Why Am I Not a Narcissist and My Brother or Sister Is a Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 3 фев 2023
- Why am I not a narcissist and my brother or sister is a narcissist. In today's video discover the three reasons why you did not become a narcissist and your sibling did and why genetics has nothing to do with it.
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I’m a twin, 41, male, American. My Mom is a covert vulnerable narcissist, I was/am her “scapegoat” and my twin brother is her “golden child”. Now Mom is 68 and brother is 41 and both are raging narcissists and we are estranged. Narcissism is sad.
IT REALLY IS I HAVE A SIBBLING WHOSE NARCISSISTIC WE HAD THE SAME MOTHER AND FATHER MY MOTHER WAS A VERY KIND AND EMPATHIC PERSON I AM SO GLAD SHE TAUGHT ME ABOUT KINDNESS AND EMPATHY
NARCISSISM IS BEYOND JUST BEING A LITTLE SELFISH AS WE ALL CAN BE SOMETIMES THESE PEOPLE REALLY THINK THE ARE SPECIAL AND ENTITLED WHICH IS SORT OF TWISTED BUT THE MIND IS A POWERFUL THING BECAUSE WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES THEY SEE
@@user-cy3ge3hh6f What is a covert vulnerable narcissist?
Narcissism has EVERYONE missing out on the beauty of family.
I am a twin also and have had a lifetime (56 years old) of my twin and I being divided by my narc mother- we are estranged for years- you are not alone- what's sad is I think the twin relationship is really the closest and my mother hated that we had each other, she openly said so... my twin is a narc too trained well by my mother 😢
Both my siblings are narcissistic, I was the scapegoat and was able to self reflect and work on myself. It still sucks that I can’t have a normal relationship with my siblings and family but the cycle ends with me and will go no further
My sister was 4 years older than myself. I always remember her getting into trouble - sneaking out of the house, stealing, being sent to girls home and leaving home without graduating. She is the narcissist of the 5 children. My dad was a narcissist. Ironically sister and dad had trouble getting along, although I have said many times they were alike. Dad has passed and I went no contact with my sister 4 months ago just to save myself. I figured at age 66 I deserved to have a voice!
I once told the teacher at a Self Esteem workshop that I was attending ACOA meetings. She said "Oh, they're the PARENT BASHERS!" I said "No, we're the TRUTH TELLERS!"
She had nothing more to say!
Agreed!
The temperament of the child determines their coping mechanism.
Exactly 💯
Bingo...
Depends on who the target is too. Someone is getting it worse than someone else. Say one or both of your parents are narcissists and you’re the first born: good luck
@@AmericanPendetta Yep
Does that mean that because of all this changes and stages of maturation through our life, that gives us the marvellous opportunity to heal meaningful relationships that at one point in the past were hurtful and difficult?
For me just the realization of that phrase in your video opened a wold of possibilities that can bring a beautiful outcome for all those people that become aware of this fact!
( I am talking in a relationship between two perfectly imperfect human beings that are not narcissists?)
Child number 1 and 4 became narcissists in our family, while me and my brother (2-3) became empaths.
That is common
My family is the opposite but the same lol. 1&4 did not turn out to be narcissistic, and 2&3 did. Well...#1 has some narcissistic tendencies and is racist, but he definitely has a big heart and has been the only person there for me at all. We dont talk anymore though. He lives in Europe, and I'm in the US.
Well I think codependence causes often so-called folie-à-deux ... couple's illness- who will couple up , depends on the specific circumstances of the family-system.. wish the Best to All of you.. those who are not hit must thank God every day....
1, 2 and 4 did. Sigh, @ 71.
Wow I’ve ALWAYS wondered this! Dealing with 3 older narcissist brothers. I’m the youngest and only girl and consider myself very sensitive, total empath!!!!
I agree! My overt narcissist twin sister drove me nuts when we were kids.
As a young adult, she took some of my airplane crash settlement money from me. She tryed to have me mirrored. She sabotaged my book writing and publishing efforts. When I finally handed my sister her ugly truth, her mask slipped off and she went into a rage. I finally dumped her, from my life, 12 years ago. I am free!!!
I’m going through similar with my twin sister. It’s so sad.
@@hillaryromero1761me too! We are 71 now…
Grew up with narc mother; jealousy used siblings against each other (gossiped) she worsened as I began to speak out more during my pre-teenage years. , especially when she gaslighted/manipulated reality, she couldn't stand to be corrected. She increasingly got more entitled. I was so focused on my mom, that i now realize most of my siblings are covert, vulnerable narcs. feeling judged, unloved and pure jealousy. i was in denial for a long time. their favorite weapon ; silent treatment. so i decided to stop playing their games. i will never allow them in my life again; i was so confused. im no longer confused, they are not my family. Blessed are those who have a loving family.
I wanted out from a young age. I knew my parents couldn't give me what I needed in life. Even at age 13, I went to a friends house who's mom was in Social Services. I asked to be put into foster care. Her mom told me to. go home. That was 1985. I walked away from my family 20 years ago. Yes, it's the environment! I wanted OUT! My parents were both very emotionally unstable for all I can remember growing up. But I knew there was something wrong all along!
My dad was a narcissist, and my sister is too It felt like growing up as an orphan. My dad hated me but gave everything to my sister it made for a very strange dynamic. I remember when I had cancer he said looks like you will be dead before me.
Please whatever you do out live him 💙🙏🏻💙
@@tamarathejudeochristianmediumIt would serve him right.
You are a better person than him. He is an asshole and no matter how long he lives.
yeah. same here
Goodness, sorry to hear that. Left home young (because of my abusive family in the first place) and married abroad. When my dad finally agreed to meet my husband, he told my sisters and brother behind my back that I was brainwashed. For me it looks like he was envious of me. Just because I married someone from another culture does not mean I was brainwashed. On the contrary, I baptized my husband and he is an amazing supportive husband which we’ve been together more than two decades which is longer than his marriage with my mom.😂
He passed away God rest his soul but my narcissist sisters and brother took over his abusive ways amplifying that in hundred ways.
Well I fear not because I know God is on my side but I do need to stay away from them as much as possible because you can never change evil. It takes a Higher Power to achieve that.
I'm sure many empaths LIVE IN QUIET DESPERATION .
Yea 😭
Narcs always play favorites but i dont believe that all parents have favorites even if they parent differently for any number of reasons
The favorite child is the one that’s the easiest to raise.
I always wondered why my Dad was an alcoholic. He was raised in a calm, normal, loving, encouraging home. My Grandparents were calm. My uncle is calm. He grew up in a tiny Midwestern town, where he was surrounded by loving townsfolk.
My Grandparents recognized his unique interests and encouraged them.
He became an Electrical Engineer.
My uncle was a Chemistry Professor.
They both thrived.
But, my Dad was hard wired tight. He regulated his emotions through alcohol.
It has always been such a difficult thing for me to understand.
It was almost as if he didn't belong in his own family.
But, I know that his was a very difficult pregnancy and birth for my Grandmother.
My Grandmother was O negative and my father was O positive.
She was severely ill during her pregnancy with him. She was bedridden for months, even after he was born. He was cared for by a hired nurse.
For the first time, it makes more sense to my brain.
I'm the oldest of 4, my parents were 19 when they had me followed by my sister 2 years later and then 2 boys. I moved out at 18, was extremely independent, did things my own way but growing up had to babysit constantly since my parents worked and couldn't afford a sitter. My sister is a malignant narcissist but both of my brothers are introverted and very empathetic. At 38 my sister lived rent free with my parents so she could buy a large truck and go on trips, she didn't go to our brothers wedding because she wasn't the maid of honor and even tried to tell me my kids would be better off if I were dead. She got in fist fights in school, was morbidly obese when the rest of us are thin and athletic and pulled out her eyelashes and hair as a kid. She's the only one like this to where people in the family don't want to see her and don't invite her to gatherings. So odd she's the one off.
I'm a twin. My brother is a narcissist. So are both my parents. I am not. I'm the family scapegoat/ truth teller/outcast, and I have PTSD for which I am being successfully treated. My brother was ill as a child and subsequently very spoiled and I was neglected, thus our present conditions. Therapy is absolutely vital to survive narcissistic abuse.
Same. The youngest in my house was coddled the MOST. Wasnt corrected for behavior like the rest of us. I have one of those baby biased mothers who will go the EASIEST on the youngest even though he’s in his 20s now. Not a baby. I hold my mom responsible for his entitled behavior. She coddled him too much as a child. I sucked growing up with someone who never got in any trouble…
“You didn’t become a narcissist, because you didn’t try hard enough.” Ha ha. I was on my way to being a narc, but dramatic life experiences and therapy changed that direction.
😂😂😂😂
Me too!! Around 15 i really displayed npd. But grew out of it at 18.. became more on the bpd spectrum
Sadly there are no mandatory parenting classes before getting pregnant. Once I became a step parent, I realized how unprepared I was at understanding the developmental stages and needs of a child. Not to mention the parental demands of time, physical fitness and finances.
Me too.😢 my husband’s ex is a narcissist. And my step daughter became more like the mom. They both manipulate my husband. 😢 I didn’t get pregnant yet.
Who would design and teach those classes? What set of beliefs would they be based on?
Who would enforce them? What grade would be considered passing.?
@@barbarat5729 I agree. There should be no arbiter of what's right or wrong per se, but there should at least be education regarding character strengths and flaws, typical roles, self-awareness, impulse control. No tests or enforcement. I suspect the 'risk' of this might be that some children will (like I did when I was about 8) say to themselves, "I do not want my own family."
Telling children that every parent has a favorite is nearly enough to make me stop listening to your ideas on narcissism. Just because YOU experiened it that way doesn’t make its fact. I loved both my kids equally... to the moon and back!!!
My parents had favorites which fostered narcissism in my younger sister while i was the empath.
🤣👍
@@jakerivets2249 Why the laughter? Is that a , 'yeah right' kinda thing? meaning you think I could not possibly have loved them equally or you agree with me that he's wrong?
The parent always favors the child who is the easiest to raise.
Nobody saying you don’t love them the same what’s being said if you don’t treat them the same.
I bet if you pay closer attention to your daily activities you’ll see that you do favor one over the other(s)
Because when you're the Scapegoat and the one made to suffer, you stop seeing the perks in being a narcissist.
My parents had 3 of us in their early 20's. My sister 1st, 1 yr. later me, my brother 11 months later in the same year. Four years later another brother, 11 years later, the last child, my youngest brother. My Dad was extremely abusive to the first three children. The fourth one didn't get the physical abuse, but was neglected. The fifth child was my Dad's favorite and by then he was the only child living with my Dad as my parents divorced. I could write a book. It was an insane asylum home. 😏 I don't like the label "empath", but I was the only child who stood up to my Dad & later helped all of my siblings at different times throughout my life. My parents are in their 80's , they are still immature. I finally went no contact with all of them for my own sanity. I am free!
Hi Marie, Isn't it shocking how you were left behind after all that you did?? Much love!! My mother was a filthy narc to the very end, last breath. When the favored ones dissapeared, she never said thankyou to me.
@@patriciapiper6294 Hi Patricia, I just came to understand my parents weren’t equipped to have children. Sorry that happened to you, but hey, we must remain who we are. Much love to you also. Thank you. 💕
my cousin Windy the Windbag was a Naggy critic by age 8! and 1 of my siblings is in a Domination"( toxic) type relationship! ( he critiques me 24-7& say Carol is ' low Life" ( ???)
@@maried7776 you're being honest and mature. I however----- not so much😀❣keep going strong Marie💪❣🖐
OMFG they got away with it! They should be serving life sentences😳
Im the oldest sister and my parents decided from day 1, that I was the responsible one and that it was my responsibility to take care of my 6 years younger sister. They got divorced shortly after and I had to take even more responsibility, because my dad didnt wamt to care for a baby and my mom couldnt. Meanwhile, I was being sexually abused by my fathers friends and then I got home, where I had to parent my younger sister. I tried to seek out good people to be near to survive. Now me and my sister are in our 30s, we havent spoken much in the last 10 years, because she is blaming me for everything and she makes my parents do the same.
Im thankful that the people I sought out as a child became my second family and taught me love and care for myself and others. To this day, they are still mt family and I love them as if they were blood. They saw me growing up with my sister and its been so helpful to hear them say, that they saw what happened and its not me who is wrong. I did do everything I could for my sister, Im not what she us trying to tell me I am.
Sadly this the same story for so many. Bless you.
My parents also got married at 16 and 18. Raised by a narcissistic mother. Child # 1 mentally ill, #2 empath, #3 raging alcoholic narcissist, #4 very kind, but struggles, always sick as a child, stuttered
Thank you! 🙏💚✨✨✨ Now, I see how much trauma I was passing on to all three of my children, even though I thought I was healing, and in recovery, therapy, etc. I never ever touched the root... causes. I was still stuck in my "Worst Day Cycle." I like your term "maturity in moderation." Once again, I am truly learning to fully face all of my traumas, survival skills, and also release those behaviors that do not serve me, in health. I do not have to be in survival mode. At 62, and married 43 years now, myself and my husband, both of us are seeing our truths and healing from so much trauma we neither could face, earlier in our relationship. We're reading, journaling, facing our past, and moving toward serenity. As you state...."Enjoying the Journey" is so vital.😊
I think the choices a child makes is also a part of it. Whether they choose honesty or deceit in a situation, for instance, or whether they excuse what they did, blame someone else, or take responsibility, etc.
Some children want to be just like their parent when they grow up; others want to be the opposite.
The book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" talks about internalizers and externalizers. It explains a lot about this behaviour.
In my family, my sister became an externalizer (& the narcissist). Rather than taking responsibility for their problems, Externalizers blame others and deny that they have any role in the problem or conflict. Meanwhile I'm an internalizer (the lost child & scapegoat). Internalizers attribute their mistakes to themselves and take personal responsibility for their mistakes and failures.
@@Vercanya Thank you. Rings true! I'll look for the book and thanks for recommending it.
Another insightful book is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
@user-de6nl2ez8c thank you for your answer
Spot on..
You are making things better because you are making me better. I promise. Keep helping us Kenny, we need you.
Why are some kids end up being narcissistic? And some end up being empathic?
my narcissistic sister was such a disaster in her adolescence that she abused and stressed out the whole family and distracted my parents from being better parents to me
I very much agree with this video. My mother was a very strict narcissist growing up and my older sister was hit a lot and she became a narcissist. Her survival tactic was to become the monster that abused her. Now she reminds me of my mother when she was younger. But thank God that I went in a different route- I went deep into emotional healing and the spiritual path and decided that God is the only true parent I am looking for. The rest of the family is chasing and worshiping idols like money, status, fame, etc. But I feel freed of the spiritual and demonic torment to some degree. I did a lot of work on myself and now I have the spiritual armor of God that protects me from this unsafe family of origin. I was given a new spiritual family in Christ as I was called to be baptized and be cleansed of the demonic stuff that has haunted me since I was born. I still get attacked from within with those old twisted energies of narcissism but when I choose God, I feel freed every time. It’s always a choice within us to choose either the higher path in God or the devil/ego to move out of this.
What you do is amazing. You have changed my life and I can make the difference in my children's lives. Thank you.
You’re welcome
God bless you ; you Validate my childhood& siblings who hated me, for being " moms Helpful mini- ME"!!!
If science told the truth it would make parents be more aware of how they are raising children. We would end up healthier than we are. The powers that be don't want a healthy society cause there's no money and no control in a healthy society. Society has created and perpetuated victimisation. You have to really seek out help, be willing to take responsibility in order to change your behavior and become healthy. It's not an easy journey and it all depends on how bad you want it. That's what I have learned.
Yah and you have to let PRIDE go. Pride won’t allow you to own up to things…
Thanks for helping us all grow up.
It's my pleasure
We are 4 children... I am the oldest... my 3 brothers got much more love and attention from my parents in the past... so i lived quiet and with a high expectation level from my mother to me in my family... my mother was narcissistic... we had a very bad till none relationship.... and today I come to realize that all of my 3 brothers have wifes at their side with similar character with my mother... my brothers are quiet persons because of peace reasons... but I am able to open my mouth if something is irritating... and everytime its surprising me that the wifes from my brothers are acting like my mother did (she died in 2019).... painful words, feeling of hate, not able to take critic,,i am the bad person... I don't have the key for what is the right reaction to this behavior... so after i speak out my opinion where i use facts and not something i creat in my mind i get my painful gaslight shower from them... then I feel so hurt that i turn my back to them to protect myself for more painful words and behavior... in the end the result will be that in the future I will break the contact with them... and this is making me so sad... it's not only protecting me for narcissistic behavior of the wifes but also losing my brothers of my childhood because of the bad influence....
Well some years ago I met a social worker from London UK, I told her the family Story of my ex-wife,, she answered: we call this A BLACK CHAIN.. She was working in a social focal point in London... I was talking of an family of highly educated academics with noble ancestors...
@@77yoGermShep j
Being noble and aristocratic does not exclude narcissism .
On the contrary it can enhance it.
A true noble man or lady should behave with dignity and virtue,however this is is not always the case.
Educated people from Eton, Oxford etc can be and are often just as vicious as others with less education.
They can be more clever and adroit and sarcastic with their words, the punch however is still as strong if not stronger and more cutting and sophisticated.
I know this from experience .
Verbal sarcasm can be a severe form of twisted abuse .
My best wishes to you .
I have been there and it's not a pleasant experience..
To know what you teaching here , I dont feel that I am between two hard places anymore, A wonderful feeling that you can do something you not stuck
I can see how the changes in my grandparents lives affected my mother during my grandmother's pregnancy with my mom. She became a narcissist, probably NPD. I even thought possibly my grandmother had post partum depression. That being said there was nothing I could do to make my mother happy and always afraid of making her mad. My brother the golden child is very narcissistic and has great disdain for both parents and puts me in the same bucket as them. We don't speak or have a relationship. But narcissistic parents do tear families apart.
it's not genetic, it's environmental, as you say irresponsible parents. Too young, too immature, too anxious, too selfish, etc.
Well said
I think it's demonic, but even the formerly atheist me would say that it's something within someone's head that makes someone like a schizo or whatever. I've been hearing this "their WITTLE childhood" excuse for decades. And I'm 50. And I'm just not buying it anymore.
Over the length of my life I have seen people with way worse upbringings be the kindest people I ever knew.
Signing off, a 50-yr old dude
PS--my parents had a shotgun wedding too. I've known others who have to and some do better and some do worse. Yeah I've seen people stay in crappy situations because they blame their attacker's childhood as an excuse to stick around. Fortunately I'm too old and too wise to do that anymore to myself
Or just selfish child that demands everything including all attention. Stop blaming your parents for your own defective personality.
My dad was very selfish. He wanted to keep my mother "barefoot and pregnant" so she couldn't find out all the stuff he was doing behind her back! By the time I came along they both were sick of "raising" kids!
If you think about it, a child born in a stressful situation will need to be tougher to survive. Poor families, famine, people born into discrimination or oppression will need to be emotionally tougher to survive. That brain change during stress would most likely be a survival adaptation.
Why is WHY babies who grow up in WEALTH dont understand this. They’re too coddled to know what REAL hardship is….
Most excellent video, & exactly what I needed to hear today as was looking for a balm to soothe my wounded heart on this Valentine's Day. You'd think 5+ years into recovery from Narc sibling abuse & no contact, I'd somehow be immune to the pain they do so love to cause. Visited my aged 97 y o mom yesterday, chocolates & valentine visit. My first visit since having & recovering from Covid nearly a month in duration front to back, including her birthday which I was unable to visit of course. Discovered neither of my narc siblings bothered to even send her a birthday card. No surprise, mind you, but it still hurt my heart. I may not ever be able to understand the cruelty aspect of this disorder. Your video was helpful, & being a long time Bruce Lipton fan, resonated w my entire being. Thank you for this, and all you do, helping so many find our way through these twists & turns dealing w healing our wounded child inside us. Namaste.
I believe I am the only empath yet scapegoat, amongst a vipers nest of various types of narcissists because I was so loved and well cared for by an illiterate, yet wise, older black woman and the Jewish families that fed me and welcomed me into their homes. It was my first experience with normalcy. I am so thankful now, that I was mostly ignored by my own family even though I have many memories of physical, verbal and emotional abuse.
As a researcher (social sciences though), I love how you breakdown studies and their limitations. I guess that's why there was the Twins-reared-apart design. As a child of a narcissist, however, if I were to go back a generation, to my uncles, his brothers, I would also say luck, choice and intellect, also play a role. Life takes everyone on a combination of paths, the narcissist, however, well my narcissist, had luck but never optimized it through good choices and I wonder if it's because of his intellect (as compared to his siblings who succeeded). So his insecurities are now put on his kids. My sister is a narc and had the luck, optimized the path and used others and her own intellect and yet still is a narc, because of the environment made by my parent narc for her to be the successor. I guess my point is, we are all too complex to put in a study. Too many variables and too many limitations. Even if you were to unethically do a Truman Show like approach on a pair of twins. How the assigned parent feels in the morning will affect the twin parented in the morning (if they are not a morning person) versus if the parent is an evening person and parents twin no. 2. We cannot put every second of existence in a glass tube. As you said, all we can do is be cognizant of our role in making the narcissist. As a person cognizant of my role, I refuse to be the supply of my father and my sister.
Wonderfully stated.
My oldest is autistic; we did genetic testing and the scientific evidence they gave me helped me to see so much can affect a child in the belly.
When I went down the rabbit hole with that information I found out so much about myself too. It opened the door for me to start therapy.
Studies show that if a woman experience trauma before 5 their DNA is genetically altered. It gave my son an 85% chance of being autistic. My gut not having a specific bacteria while I was pregnant raised that percentage for him. It was from my mom severely neglected my health problems and its been a life long problem for me still.
Science is really important in your healing journey. Researching the specifics of your experience is so important to help you wrap your head around everything.
Both my sisters ended up narcissistic in their behavior and I constantly remind myself that they were afraid of her too. I'm definitely more understanding of their crap than my mom's but I'm learning to look at my mom like I do them. Its just hard.
I was 6yrs old, it was so late; another nightmare woke me up and I was bummed there was no star trek on. I was in tears. I was angry (hurt), I wanted to just have someone up with me. I walked into my mom's room and realized I couldn't wake her up, I began to feel my furry grow and I asked myself if I even trusted her, and all I could think is she doesn't even care about me. I went to my oldest sister room, asked myself the same thing and I got the same answer. Middle sisters room... same thing. My dad was hrs away..I mentally knew my exact situation. It was a light switch moment i still remember feeling. I had no one, and I made a promise to myself i wouldn't be like them.
The day I became the Blacksheep.
@@mirinabourbonnais2375 Plot twist: You're the mentally ill narc.
I became bpd and got c ptsd
Sometimes I wonder if I was really lucky to have been born neuro divergent (lil bit autistic), because I have always had to rely on myself to logically make sense of things in order to figure out how to get what I need in life. Well, that and also neglect... If I have ever wanted anything it was up to me to get it. I am glad in a way though, because all my siblings have varying degrees of narcissistic traits. Ha, there's always the ol' question "Would I be happier if I were oblivious and ignorant?" I don't think so. Because I used to be more ignorant than I am currently lol, and I was just tortured internally knowing there was something I wasn't understanding. But also, I was the baby of four, and since my mom had me to try and save a marriage I got a lot of physical nurturing and attention that only ended when I started developing a sense of self (like age two and a half). My mom was jealous of my older sister for being female, and my sister has a very different level of emotional intelligence than I do. ROBERT SAPOLSKY!! I just re-watched a Robert Sapolsky lecture about this exact topic! Let me get the name of it and then I will write another essay in your comments lol
"When you started developing your own self...". That sentence called my attention.
Maybe, most narcissist mothers start fiercely rejecting their children when they start their individuation process...it's just a thought but it makes sense since for them we are objects or elongation of themselves.
@@Lyrielonwind you're exactly right. That's exactly what happens
There is a term for the parent/child relationship during a child's formative years and the resulting hard-wiring of a person during fetal and early childhood. It is the "mother-child dyad". It is also prudent to mention that familial violence and abuse is generational, passed down. Both of these factors contribute to the likelihood of narcissism in adult years. The cycle of abuse/narcissism does stop sometimes on one hand, and sometimes it starts without apparent cause on the other hand, and this video offers insight into the possible reasons.
I knew it, I always wondered. The father to my third child was very abusive during that pregnancy. I was so stressed and had to fight him constantly. And guess what, my darling daughter committed suicide 6 years ago....ugh. And actually I left him after the 4th child, due to his alcoholism issues. Lastly, he committed suicide last August. My youngest child is 36.
My sisters picture is behind the word narcissist in the dictionary. She is 10 years older than me and she spent a lot of time at our grandmother's house. (Moms side) that grandmother never liked my dad and may have tainted her attitude towards her immediate family. I've aftfn wondered how she became so jaded when we were raised by the same people. The difference was i wasn't allowed to stay at Grammas house. I guess our grandmother was kind of a serrogate parent to her and maybe that had a negative effect on my sister's.
Out of 5 girls, child 1 and 5 became Narcissists. Child 2, me, became Codependent. Mother was Narcissist and physically abused me. She spoilt the oldest and youngest. Child 3 and 4 were ignored. I didn't get on with my mother. I became a Scapegoat and got beaten and verbally abused. Father was possibly a Codependent. We had a chaotic and turbulent childhood. Parents constantly fought. My oldest sister became rebellious and manipulative. She got spoilt cos of her emotionally blackmailing my parents and toxic need for attention. I became a people pleaser, always trying to fix problems. I was forced to take care of my oldest sister and if I didn't, she would beat me. 😢 I am now in my early 50s and healing from all that abuse. I'm so glad I'm not a Narcissist. At least Codependency is easier to fix compared to Narcissim. I'm not saying it's easy but at least we can heal. I've always believed that Narcissists are created by nurture. I don't believe it's genetic. We ultimately choose how to respond to abuse. Even spoiling a child is abusive.
you make so much sense, you are explaining and clarifying a lot of stuff for me, thank you. I know that i have a lot of empathy but i am not an empath. I have learned that just because of your lecture. You explain difficult subject simply, so i can understand. I was born to quite a toxic family my mom always glued to a mirror. Father aggressive also a narc, but different than my mom. He was overt. Etc.... Whole family is at odds with each other's. Lightly saying.
You are so welcome
I'm a twin and my twin sister has strong narcissistic tendencies and i am empathic.
My sister was the Golden Child (she looks just like him) and she has some serious narcissistic tendencies.
Obviously, I can't diagnose her. But, boy, is she a terror. She lives for the drama roller-coaster. She is entitled to rage. And she demands total obedience.
I was my father's Scapegoat (I look just like her)... and my mother's invisible child. I have become a codependent, people pleaser.
My sister has taken over for our deceased father. She rages and controls, just as he did.
I'm desperately trying to figure out how to no longer be her victim.
Why can't we just have a normal, equal relationship?
I fail to mention my eldest sibling. Our brother was a mixture of Golden, Scapegoat, Invisible and Mascot.
He escaped long ago.
Well... not really.
He married a woman just like our father. And he's a total people pleasing, workaholic. He's still trying everything he can think of to earn love.
The worst part about this kind of family is that there is a finite amount of love.
The love and all the perks go to the kid who brings home the trophies. Those kids demand all those perks for the rest of their lives.
The other kids, survive on mere crumbs... and we're grateful for those few, tiny crumbs.
When I watch your videos I sometimes feel like you are my twin in male form...I was the youngest & had a sister that was 12 years older & a brother 7 years older ....Im pretty sure they are both Narcissists & so was our Mom (she would switch from a covert Narcissist to an codependent) & their Dad...we had different Fathers...that was kept secret for many years...I am a severe codependent & was the person everyone came to for emotional support & financial support....Im thinking of writing a book.
I'm a female first born child in a family which valued sons above all. Mom's second pregnancy ended in the miscarriage of a female fetus. Her third pregnancy resulted in the birth of the long-awaited male child (mom's generation was all female). The male child is the narcissist, compliments of mom, who was also narcissistic. No one else mattered. I have spent my life wondering what I did wrong. Now I know the answer is: nothing, my darling. You did nothing wrong.
I very much relate to that I have about the same situation
I was born into a family with 7 children, with 5 brothers and my sister was already 5 by the time I came along. My mother was schizophrenic, and was going through a really bad mental breakdown as I was actually being born. She was so out of touch with reality that her mother caught her in the act of trying to smother me to death with a pillow just days after the release from the hospital. Then at about 2 to 3 years old, I was molested by a family member. My life after all that just became full of crazy shit all my life, even up to right now. My entire childhood, I had to live in fight or flight mode, because everyone else was so much older than me, and I was constantly the target of someone's anger, and hostility, which led to me learning to be alone. I'm 55 and I am still not good around people, I hate being around people, because I have such anxieties I sometimes feel like a ball of nerves, almost like crying, or just irritated. Lately I've been watching videos about narcissistic people, and I've learned that my sister has been one since we were really little!
She had to replace my mother when she was only eight, and I don't blame her for wanting to experience childhood, but for years I felt like she just took her frustration out on me, because she blamed me. However, the more of these videos I have watched, the more since it made that she is narcissistic. I've finally, a few years ago decided to stop going around her, and I'm beginning to feel better than I ever did! I no longer feel like I'm underneath her, my confidence is improving, and just generally more happy with who I am!
I decided that after 55 years of trying to have a healthy relationship with her, and the fact that it hasn't happened yet, it probably never will! Her daughter passed away about a year ago, and that's the only time I have been around her in 3 to 4 years. I did make it clear that I loved my niece, and that I appreciated her (my niece) for being good to me. I haven't been back, and don't plan to go. Could write a book about how horrible she's treated me, but if I were to give advice to someone who is going through this, I would say, walk away, leave, and get the hell out of it! You DO deserve much, much better! And YES, you are very important! Maybe not to a narcissist, but hell, who cares what a narcissist thinks anyway! Be kind to yourself! God bless everyone who is/has been going through this childish game with anyone! ❤
This is the best teaching and explains my sister who went on a smear campaign
I appreciate your complete honesty and forthright information in all your episodes!!
Thank you Kenny, that was brilliant,
I am very happy that I found you on RUclips. For me, it is a big help.
Happy to hear that!
Genetics plays a big part in personality. I am very much like my father that I never met till I was 49. My mother would say that I was proof that character was not just how you are raised.
I have been waiting for a vid on this exact situation (for personal reasons), thank u very much.
No problem!
I appreciate your Work and perspective, thank you for showing up here and being so genuine. 🤝 I think your voice is very valuable and will help many more people than it could ever harm. Keep it up!❤️
I appreciate that!
This is one of the wisest, most informative videos on these topics I’ve found. I completely relate to all you say. You have an older video that really resonated - something about the myth or fallacy of the empath. 🙏
Yes, I just did a live stream on that topic. You can find it on my "live" playlist.
Thank you for the truth. I can now start my healing process. ❤😊🎉
It was so helpful and affirming to have the quotations from the most elite researchers and master teachers such as Brian Weiss and Mate Gabour. This presentation has truly illuminated me. Thank you Kenny Weiss. Excellent points made here.
Very simple- temperament and composition.
You can grow up in the same home and come out so differently.
Of the three of us, I am the high school and college graduate. Only veteran. Only one with a professional job.
My brother and sister: high school dropouts, felons, substance abusers, were teen parents.
I had and have none of these issues.
So true, as the youngest of 4, I learnt from my older siblings and adapted. One of my older brothers is a narcissist. This was a great video. 😊
5:06 This is gold 😱
Very good video Mr. Kenny.
Very interesting and validating video. Both of my parents are narcissistic. Different types though. A complete shit storm growing up. I got out and got therapy. Younger sibling acts the same as my parents. They were born right before my parents divorced.
Mine are too
You are spot on! Trauma impacted my health as well!!
It took a while but I finally figured out, in 12 step Recovery, why us 3 kids turned out so different. It was 100% healthy/unhealthy PARENTING along with some Genetic or natural differences in ALL of us. It's been a huge relief to know & understand what went wrong in our shame-based family & why. I cherish all that I learned at CODA & ACOA!
This is so helpful. Im no contact with my mom and sister but it helps greatly to have understanding.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge! 👏
Glad it was helpful!
Really elucidating. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Very well done. I have had a difficult time believing genetics view point … I lived with my 2nd oldest brother for a couple years during convid lockdowns .. since he is 12-13 years older than I, I had really no idea what he was like when I was young .. he was out of the house before I was 8 … it was pure hell being around him as he is a raging narcissist and after he lost his supply from some woman he was dating who ended it with him it was turned on me .. also saw him in narcissistic collapse about some other woman that had broken up with him 5 years prior … I think 2 others of my 6 siblings are narcissists .. I was neglected most if not all my youth .. never remember or hug or positive validation from either parent .. so distracted myself with lots of focus on music, athletics .. other interests .. then found science and they all blend together .. did most things by myself even weightlifting .. no one could keep up … but I was able to reflect and be introspective and ended up asking questions no one liked .. turns out my intuition was pretty good though did not know it at the time .. I’m sure I was the only one in high school with a subscription to psychology today lol
What a refreshing big view perspective, in this “narcissism” space, a lot of the info is “us verses them” it seems. I think the simplistic “us versus them” is very important part of healing from this because your boundaries have been eroded. You have boundaries but they have massive holes in them that you cannot see or, are not willing to see. I think”us versus them” allows us to see where we end and others begin. BUT, that is just the beginning. As I went further there were a lot of holes in this thinking, no answers to why I did certain things in certain situations. CTPSD explains a lot, the biggest thinkers I have found in this space are Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon. This is my first time seeing one of your videos, I am encouraged to see more with what I’m perceiving as humble, wider view on this.
Whoa. This is real. Yes, the parents don’t want to get better. I keep trying to help my mom but I’m not doing well.
My sister was born during the war in Germany. There were air raid sirens and bombs dropping. Mutti had put to her into wash basket and run for the cellars . I was born as the the war ended. We are like chalk and cheese, I love animals, she cant stand animals, I am happy with my life even though there were rough spots. She always wants more and more, she can be very cruel with her words, I prefer to walk away. Now I understand why, thank you, it makes sense. This does not mean that I will take the brunt when she is nasty, I just won't add to it, I think it makes her worse.
Wowwww im AMAZED at your videos Im enjoying every second of it. I've always intuitively known all this, and have had your same natural awareness of everything but talking about this was such a taboo years ago and now being able to find you, the best way you explain everything is so refreshing!!! Big thanks to your family and story and you, that thanks to all you went through now youre able to Understand so much of the worlds problems!!!!! Blessings in abundance ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Wow, thank you
My brother was her fav, she told me simply bec he was 'so easy'
Thanks Kennie
Wow, you gave me a different perspective on how family personalities are developed. Thanks.
Glad it was helpful!
I am NOT a Parent & have had many fights with online Parents when I dare tell the truth about my own shame-based parents & the emotional damages that occurred in our SICK family. BLAMING always comes up to attack me & my story or dismiss it. DENIAL is serious stuff!
Thank you for saving me just now. Going through this now. New subscriber!
Thanks for subscribing and really happy to hear it helped you.
@@kennyweiss Appreciate this video
Thank you so much 🙏💫
You are so welcome
He's absolutely right.
Very informative and helpful to understand our behavior.
Glad it was helpful!
thank you!!!!
You're welcome!
I have often wondered about this topic. My parents were 30 and 23 when married. The first 3 children were born close together, my parents desperate for an heir. My older sister is very toxic. Myself born next am the scapegoat. No 3 my brother, son and heir, is entitled and narcissistic. We all suffered severe discipline. It was crime and punishment mentality.
No 4 another sister born several years later was my mother's indulgence. She did not suffer the same abuse..But she was alone with the needy mother. She is highly irresponsible, has MS, is entitled and is always broke. The older 3 are the opposite, responsible financially. Only my older sister and myself believe in fairness. I never felt my father had a favourite, but he was biased toward my brother, being a male.
I wish someone would write a book on this. Im grateful to hear these ideas, Im Australian.
I’m so glad I never had kids. I’m happy to not put my sh*t onto another.
I've been trying to learn about narcissists (and other disorders), because I'm pretty sure at least one of my family members is a narcissist, my oldest brother. One big reason for my constant research is that I have a hard time believing I'm truly the only one in my family that didn't become a narcissist or get BPD or ASPD. Not that I think I got no problems (I'm pretty sure I have CPTSD at least), but I guess I feel like I didn't get the "bad person" disorders and that makes me think I'm just unaware, but now I feel like maybe it genuinenly is possible I didn't get any of those. I personally wouldn't count BPD in that "bad person" category, but a lot of people do so that's why I put it there.
I'm still trying to make sense of the whole family dynamic, especially the part where I recently found out that my brother (and maybe my dad) seems to have ASPD, when I previously thought they both just are autistic without diagnosis and that would explain their behaviour. I see now I might just have wanted to see them as unintentionally hurtful/insensitive, not that I'm now 100% sure that they have ASPD but it's possible.
6th out of 7. Family tried to shut down my sensitivity and it worked for decades. After years of arrogance and anger, finally just arrogant and not angry. Still no sense of love, but I did cry when my uncle told me he was in ICU with septic blood. Still sensitive and by golly, will take what I can get.
1 - grandios 2- scapegoat 3 - illusion 4 - violent 5 (girl) covert 6 - shut down and ignored 7 - new golden child for born again mom mask, has no idea he really didn't matter, angry as hell.
1 and 2, different fathers
3 & 7 illegitimate from same man while dad was in Vietnam or on TDY
4, 5 & 6, children of husband. I'm convinced mom hated that group more than all others. mom discarded husband and me. Not sure what 4 got but it was enough to make him a serious asthmatic, alcoholic who thinks everyone is stupid.
18 year old mom mated with 15 year olds to have 1 & 2
Traits alive and well. I'm the only one who knows what's going on, compliments of a recent psychopath/covert/whatever gf.
there you go!
I believe everyone can change only if they want to of course. Regardless of your DNA or your parents, friends etc. you have a choice the only thing we truely have in life is choice, so chose wisely, stop with the excuses and blame and move forward in life. Leave negative people behind you and chose better. The world is full of caring loving people, your true obligation is to yourself and not allow these people whatever label you tag them with to bring you down or control you in anyway. Respect yourself, love yourself and you will start seeing others in the same way, and those negative people will eventually drift out of your life.
Good video.
Glad you enjoyed it
My enabler dad drank to cope with the narc abuse of my mother... codependency is about narcissism- the drinking in my family was a side story distraction the main narc in my family used to cover her behavior/abuse that she was doing that has divided us-= deception
Parent favouritism is deadly, ruins all the children for life
Yes, it does
Wow. This is quite a video. Deep stories.
the development of a narcissist starts after the child is born. I believe the deformation is set after birth in the first year, as you say by the actions and emotional state of the parents, but particularly the mother since the newborn needs the mother's affection, care, attention, time, response, presence and much more.
Very interesting thank you Kenny 😊 🙏
Glad you enjoyed it
@Kenny Weiss Hi Kenny, I have a question. Can someone with autism also be a narcissist? My ex narcissist had an autistic mother He was put in to foster care as a child and sexually abused by a teacher and a foster mother. He has 3 young adult children. All 3 are autistic to one degree or the other. I love his kids they are amazing. He asked me one time if I thought he could also be autistic. All I ever saw was classic narcissist behavior. Can autism be mistaken for narcissist? Can a person with autism also be a narcissist?? Thank you for all your videos on this topic 🙏. I appreciate your honesty 😊. You are helping so many people. Thank you
@@pam8962 I’m not a specialist on autism, so I can’t comment
@@kennyweiss okay 👍 Thank you 😊
My conclusions about Narcissism in family dynamics is very different. I came by these ideas from my spirit guides, who have been teaching me since I was young.
A person becomes a narcissist spontaneously because of three converging elements. These are different from children who become Narcissists because one or both parents are Narcissists. Not all Narcissists have Narcissist parents. My mother's parents, in my experience, were not.
The first condition is apparently genetic: they lack all but a few degrees of empathy. The four diagnostic pathologies that lack empathy are Narcissists, Psychopaths, Borderlines, and people on the Autistic spectrum..
Narcissists are people without empathy who have "oral" character armor, according to the system devised by Alexander Lowell. Orals suffered early trauma in their capacity to give affection and love. I don't understand why they are called "oral." Not all Orals are Narcissists.
Finally, Narcissists have a secret to withhold. They reconstruct their entire life around their ability to withhold that secret, often to the point they withhold it from themselves. They struggle with great feelings of inadequacy and insecurity triggered by the secret they withhold.
Second generation Narcissists may or may not be inempathic; they may or may not be oral, but they all have a secret.
I have analyzed my mother and siblings to great effect with this system. There are elements in a Narcissist's life that cannot be penetrated without intuition.
The children who most often survive Narcissism are the Scapegoats. They may be oppressed, but if they're lucky they learn to question everything and thus find their way, as have I.
I have empathy as a borderline, and it’s too much empathy that I get taken advantage of and then as I soon as I found out, it hurts so badly …. Because I feel the betrayal so much, it’s actually turn me into a keep my distance person. More like walls built up , extra boundaries. Because no one protected me in my childhood. Not all borderlines manipulate though. I’ve met some narcissistic borderlines ….but other the hand I’m pretty much self aware and I can tell in a second if someone is being deceitful and has awful intentions
I resonate .different stages different processes.true
Did you ever read the link between C-section births vs. natural birth..& addiction ? I also guess one could argue that the surgery itself was emotionally traumatic for all . Excellent video.
Ha well my poor child has no hope. I couldn’t wait to get him out so he didn’t have to suffer being inside me anymore.
My nephew was a c-section and in the roughly a year or more after his birth he suffered from night terrors.