3 of the most cruel narcissistic behaviors
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- Опубликовано: 16 май 2023
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The court system should definitely consider narcissistic abuse as they would physical abuse.. it’s actually worse.
Much worse, yes.
I will sign the petition. My life has been consumed and left to dry , at 64, who would want the damaged abused me?! I've decided I'll stay alone to not gamble the risk of control or lies ever again.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 That's for sure! I agree. I have a friend going through it now. The court should limit the # of times a diagnosed narcissist can drag a person into family court.
The UK does, apparently
I Totally agrred
When they treat strangers better than you, run. 😢💚
I'm unsure that narcissists treat strangers better. I believe they're Using strangers to feed their deep-seated narcissistic needs and means to their ends.
Narcissists don't care for others. They are entitled to be worshiped. I'm guessing here, but they have such a hollow center, they Need to be adored. They will crumble if they don't have an audience, made up of family members, their children, and others.
They can also turn violent. They will egg others to be violent. They will not be in front of the others, though. The crowd validates the narcissist's sense of power & presence.
Sounds familiar
Why
Ouch i knew it
That's the one that hurts the most
It’s scary how narcissists don’t value relationships but need people for narcissistic supply…
It IS terrifying because they will churn right through humanity if they go unchecked.
They should call it variety disorder.....
majority of narcissists are social butterflies and they crave attention so yeah they need a lot of people in their circle to gain more attention
Yes it’s sick
Very much so.
In reality there is never a relationship with a narcissist…only an arrangement.
@@lauracollins28 That sounds like the mindset of a call girl and if that is a relationship to someone and they are ok with it than so be it for them but they are missing out on what a relationship is meant to be in an intimate sense .
No relationship never has problems but the purpose of both should be to love and support the either emotionally at its core and if in my opinion it is not the relationship will always fail even if the "transactions" continue because relationships can never be a business in the sense of transactions .
Yes I recognise this
😊😊@@RoccoFreeman
@@RoccoFreemantell me you don't understand anything that was said in the video without telling me... Most ppl have no clue they are in a relationship with a narcissist because of the tactics and manipulation. Especially since narcissists are attracted to very empathetic people most of whom will try to work on themselves and love the narcissism out of the narcissist ( which can't be done)
"If you've come through a narcissistic relationship, you possess a strength beyond the ordinary. Now harness that strength to pursue your dreams and make them a reality."
If the abusers were both your parents you might have to find yourself some self-esteem first. An extremely difficult task. I'm now whole at 62.
Four hospitalizations, four breakdowns and a mother still alive at 87 for whom I feel nothing .
I will ❤ thank you
@@taylorhannah5980 make sure you get some counseling from a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Then you really will be able to draw on your experience and what you learned to never get in a relationship with a toxic person ever again. You will also be able to believe other hurting people who have no idea what’s happening . You will still hurt a little and think back too much . Just seeing that person as an enemy to your well being is the biggest victory. But please get help from a counselor first. ❤. Rid yourself of their voice in your head. Learn to love and affirm and comfort yourself. That is what makes you strong . ❤
I did! One mother whom I fled at age 18, when I was till a Minor. She drove my father to suicide when I was 3. My 2 siblings stayed in her control and they ALL, died, suddenly, 30 years ago. 2 husbands whom I stayed loyal to for years before fleeing the first, and, years later, throwing out the second, over13 years ago. Now, a son, my only child, with whom I want no contact ever again. ALL 4 put my life and well-being in danger! I am so glad I found this wonnderful Doctor to explain the Dynamics I witnessed and experienced and " why" I will recognize such Narcissism again in a friend. Actually, I am nearly 80 and very happy on my own. I have loads of interests and am very active in life. God bless you, Doctor Ramani! You are saving lives _ and sanity!
Definitely have learned to follow my gut. I am very Aware!!!
Through my narc I learned our bodies actually reject them before our minds and hearts. That is our gut instinct at work.
Oh wow, you are so right. 💯 I'm going through this right now. And I've been physically turned off by my Narc and look at him in disgust when he tries to speak to me about sex, and when he tries touching I stop him. I'm fascinated by this comment because it's so true.
I got nauseous and that’s never happened in my life. My body definitely began to reject him before I could.
Whoa, truth bullets!
Especially when one stumbles upon various affairs they’ve had over the course of the marriage. 😢
True, the body literally will not let them in 😳
I was 21 when I met him. I was fresh, naive....protected by my loving parents. I didn't have a clue. I tried to leave once when I was 30. My family was manipulated by him and strongly encouraged me to "save my marriage." We lived far apart. They didn't see it. I finally divorced and moved away at 53. I'm healing but he almost destroyed me.....
Yay❣️ 11 years in, 56 with no family around and trying to make an escape (disappearing) from his radar...😵💫🤯🙏👍❗
God bless and thanks for sharing ❤
I lived for 25 years on bread crumbs, on my own. I left at 62. I thank God for saving my soul.
I truly understand!
@user-wd5qw2sr4d: When I read your post above, it was EXACTLY as if I had written it myself, only I was 20 when I met my narcissist. My "marriage" lasted 4½ long, miserable years. I was so naive and had never encountered anyone as callous and hurtful as he was. After we divorced, I moved to 2 different cities, but he found me twice and showed up at my door wanting to get back together. No way would I even consider it !!!
Although I came close a few times, I could never remarry and therefore never had any children. I'm now retired and live happily alone with my rescued dogs. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had never met "the creature." I had so much love to give.
You hit it on the head about, "I might as well do everything alone". But, I finally realized that if I'm gonna do everything alone, I might as well be alone. I divorced him after 15 years.
I also came to this conclusion two years ago. Take care dear. You can also watch NARCdaily who explains well what happens in the narcissistic relationship.
Exactly! It felt wrong to be in a marriage and be so LONELY.
I have done everything alone too.
When I was married. I felt so alone! But after awhile. I realized being alone was better, than being with him!
@@Nerdycrone women are too socialized to "get that man - have a child" - "you're nothing without a man" (I remember a girlfriend of mine reading a book entitled: Why Am I Nothing Without a Man"!!!!! I've met so many young single women who prefer staying single and childless.. new generation.. men are less spiritually advanced than most women.. not all men.. I'm not a man hater.. but you get my drift..I get the "aloneness" being with a narcissist...put your attention on loving yourself & enjoy your freedom..when I was younger I met so many unhappily married women..some of my girlfriends would come over and spend the night at my place after fights with their partners.. I really was hesitant to get involved with men.. especially during the male chauvinist times I grew up in!! I ended up on disability..traumatized..I knew I needed to meditate because of intuitive experiences I've had most of my life.. that led to studying psychic development, then mediumship - my self-confidence increased - then found out I had healing abilities.. so get started on your own life..Good Luck & Prosperity to you!
The fact that she does not charge anything for her lectures is just beyond me. I'm forever grateful because Dr Ramny gave me the strength and courage to leave my narc of 5 years. She saved my life. The information you could gain from this woman is worth more than gold when you're devastated or discarded by a narcissist.
Words can’t express how amazing she is, and she taught me what was going on in my life it was and still is jaw-dropping. And she literally saved my sanity because I was in extreme pain. And I could say so much more but we all know what I’m saying.
I like to listen to George simons too, his talks make a lot of sense.
Agreed, she’s got it. Completely getting it, the Narc hates it 😂
She is exceptional and covers a lot of territory!
Agree! ❤
My narc would not even breadcrumb. I remember having the flu. I had a temperature of 103. I was so sick I couldn’t walk without passing out. I’d thrown up so much I was completely dehydrated. I lay there thirsty for hours before bothering my nearby husband for a glass of water. He retorted, “ Get it yourself. I’m not your servant.” I had to crawl to the kitchen and nearly passed out while standing at the sink. I was shocked. This was someone I had waited on hand and foot every day, serving him his food on a tray, getting up to get him seconds, making and serving him two cups of tea each night. And he would not even get me a glass of water.
Don't be Old or $icK Any where near these - ppl? They already want to annihilate you.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Something similar happened to me. I knew then I was in trouble.
They always say you are faking being sick.😢
@@erolei1650 OR that it is your own fault that you got sick because of one of your many failures, which they will o not be too happy to explain to you. 🤣 You can’t catch a break with narcs!
Literally today, he told me I am faking having covid, because I said I was going to sleep in another room , to protect HIM. I was so discusted with his comment. I took a test infront of him and shoved it in his face ...yes covid filled. He has not even asked if I am ok.
I'm dealing with the mental illness caused by being in narcisistic relationships for 74 years, (mother and husband) and doubt I will ever recover. At least I am now free and finding peace and validation through your invaluable videos. I can honestly say you saved my life Dr. Ramani ... God bless you.XOXOXOXO.
I do understand the mental illness related narcissistic abuse. I am there with you. It does help to hear the Dr talk, to understand how the narcissistic think. Hold in there, your the winner!!! 😊
I’m with you! Mine lasted over 30 years. The psychological damage is incredibly unimaginable. And the physical destruction of the nervous system, digestive system ( and more) takes such a toll. Even if I can never be the prior me, I still try to learn and find every avenue. For me Dr Ramani is like a warm blanket that helps nurse me back to reality and peace. And yes, we win, because we are free! But the winners are also those who know but stick it out to protect their children. I did, and my kids are now all winners too!
I don’t know your circumstances, but I’m so glad you’re free!!!
My mom has been with my narcissistic father for 48 years and I so wish she would leave him. But I know she’s been so beaten down over the decades (everything but physically) that she probably will never have the self-assurance needed to do so.
Even though much of your life is behind you, I hope you’re able to discover and pursue the things that make you happy. You deserve every last drop of freedom, peace, and goodness that you can squeeze out of each day 💜💜💜
🙏🙏🙏💜
@@pamlure9616 🙏🙏🙏💜
"You actually get used to living in an emotional famine." This pretty well sums up life with a narcissist.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. You opened my eyes and helped me move on.
Because they fully believe that they have all the power in the marriage in every regard
Emotional famine describes it to a T. Well said.
I think they work off an Emotional Scarcity Economy. If you care about others, if you admire others for any reason including accomplishments, if you’re feeling for example empathy for another etc. these freaks view that as less left for them. In their view there’s a finite amount of intangibles such as love, care, compassion etc. And they gotta have it ALL-which means you get none. Even as a child we’re treated the same way and are at the mercy of their whims, living in terror of their predictable unpredictability. It’s truly living with a Human IED.
@@tundrawomansays694
When I started realizing I was married to a narcisist (he's the ex now) before I truly knew what I was dealing with(just starting to realize it) I said to the ex, I feel like I was put into a war that I didn't even know I was in & the rules keep changing.
A few months later when I stumbled on the word gaslighting & looked it up, it led me to NPD & that's when pieces of the puzzle started falling into place because it described to a T what I had been dealing with & I saw the comment I had made to the ex(the 1 above about being in a war as well as other comments like that) it was both enlightening & weird.
@@tundrawomansays694THIS
Narcissistic people need a "partner," but the need is in the same way that a parasite needs a host. They are like a different species, with different motivations for being in relationship, and different needs, than what a non-narcissistic person has. If you are not narcissistic, and you understand what a narcissistic person is, you understand the relationship can only harm you.
They are users. Parasites.
true
So true
Some of these replies are strange women think sex is the only intimacy men know but unfortunately most men get 0 contact with the outside world that's the only affection they get is whatever crazy flavor of the month their with ....that's not narcissistic just being a man is narcissistic it seems quit using that word for anything a certain group uses as a weapon .
@@areuarealman7269 Not sure I follow your thinking. "Just being a man" does not have to mean being narcissistic, but if you are saying our society rewards men for narcissistic behavior, I agree with you. (Plenty of women are narcissistic too, they just use more covert tactics to get supply.)
The biggest tragedy in narcissistic relationship is that many people stuck in this relationship take so many years to figure it out and what is happening to them .These are big losses
So true. Just wish my eyes had been open 38 years ago. I would have gone to the other side of the world to escape.
It took me 9 years. Then I tried to show my mom, and my sister what was happening to them too. Of course the cycle runs in families. Of course I was with a narcissist, because my dad is, and of course my sister is with a narcissist, because our dad is! But you really can’t tell anyone anything. They have to learn on their own. Even though the information I’ve given them, I WISH someone had given me! It would’ve explained so much and saved me so many years of my life!
We suffer in silence, literally, behind closed doors yet have to sit back and watch your own family gush over him! It’s sickening and a very isolating soul destroying existence 😢
Exactly. I’ve been married 38 years and it’s been a few I’ve learned it’s not my fault. He had me so brainwashed everything bad was my fault . Really he played mind games, head games. He woukd say horrible lies and in such a nice sweet way. I was the fool.
Dr Ramani, I have 4 children that I love with all my heart. They have. Been the best thing that ever happened to me. How can I have the best thing that ever happened to me yet I don’t love the daddy
"Disrespect, denial, contempt and gaslighting" Every single time.
Narcissism should be added to the criminal code.
Or maybe demonic possessions that need exorcisms
110% !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It IS criminal !!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone- I challenge ANYONE to prove that statement wrong!
It already “is”; HOWEVER it’s usually entirely backwards!!! …Meaning that actual narcissists etc are using various compromised social power structures to accuse normal folks of being narcissistic or far worse! Sorry to mention this highly unpleasing reality…
That's going to be a long fight because so many of the people who write, administrate, and adjudicate the code are themselves narcissists
“Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.”
- J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence
I had a therapist teach a class on setting boundaries. The next day she yelled at me for setting boundaries and called me anti-social and a racist. The guy I set a boundary with told me "Man, it's the morning time. I got the right to f*ck with people." I was also called a racist for quoting MLK. Apparently, according to "science", it is now racist to judge someone based on the content of their character, not the color of their skin. I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. MLK a white supremacist?! WTF?
Omg yes....😮
@@dakoderii4221 the great black activist Martin Luther King??!?????!??? 😶🌫️ don't run out of there, fly.
So true, sad to say that applies to some of my family members!
@@dakoderii4221I guarantee there is more to this story than you are telling us.
You can see it in their eyes, how they despise you & choose not to see or acknowledge you.
I remember two weeks before I ended my Toxic Relationship I woke up and I looked over and my ex was staring at me, he was looking at me with this look that felt like "what does it take to break you" I will never forget that look. Then I remember looking at him while he was sitting at the kitchen table and he looked at me with this most disgusting look. The one thing that I still can't figure out is every look has a different look but they weren't exactly the same. This was weird too me.😮
My husband was looking at me with the look of disgust last night when I was setting a boundary. A simple boundary… not telling me by when he leaves the house is not acceptable
Yes, indeed! It's a very effed up feeling. I've been living in complete contempt for years!!!
Either my soon-to-be ex husband would never look at me when criticizing me, saying hello upon his return home from work, and giving his edicts or he'd look at me with derision.
@@user-hl4mf7st2s I understand what you’re saying. I’m experiencing some similar things. I have found that watching videos and doing research on what love looks like and how to tell if he truly loves you or not type stuff, that information puts some perspective into my situation and helps me understand what my intuition tells me. In a toxic relationship, cognitive dissonance is very real and debilitating. But I know how love looks feels and behaves. I just get lost and confused and forget. When I see my husband looking at me with distain and disgust, I know that is not what love is. When he says things that leave me feeling unloved and yucky inside, I know that isn’t love. When I look at myself and realize that I don’t like who I am in this relationship, this isn’t the person I used to be, this isn’t who I am, I know that this isn’t a love thing it’s a toxic thing and I am dieing in it. I don’t want to be bitter, paranoid, judgmental, and hateful. It’s just not who I am. It’s who I am in a loveless situation
1. Withholding intimacy
2. Breadcrumbing
3. Future faking
Yes, he equated sex to intimacy. When I tried to explain to him what intimacy really is, he looked at me as if I were from another planet. When I would try to talk to him about family, childhood etc, he immediately shut down. Leading up to sex he was very affectionate and knew all the moves to make. Afterwards, his demeanor would totally change and he would become cold and distant. You could literally see his face change, it was unsettling.
At 48 I’m just learning of this pattern that my narc mother instilled in me: “if I’m good, I’ll get the help I need.” I’ve wasted my life keeping up my end of the bargain-being “good” for future-fakers and users. I was so brainwashed into thinking it’s “bad” to put myself first, but I’m slowly unlearning the fruitless, codependent behaviors that were bullied into me as a sad, lonely, scared little girl.
Hugs 🤗🤗🤗 had the same mother. I was groomed to put everyone’s needs above my own even if they hurt me. Needless to say I’ve fell prey to some pretty twisted people. Education will deliver us from evil. It’s our time now.
Books to read DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR - memoir/self-help FEAST OF MEN & REFLECTIONS OF THE CURSE - journey of a woman's heart
So well put! I I just went to the emergency room, my mother drove me. She was antagonizing me and trying to make me going to the ER about her. I screamed and told her it wasn't all about her & what's wrong with you. When I had a grand mal seizure & bit off part of my tongue in front of her, she finally got it. However, now I'm over it. No longer going to people please assholes. She's so emotionally immature and inept, I can no longer take it personally. I think that's the breakthrough...there is literally nothing I can do to change what she's incapable of giving.
Totally get that. The always having to be 'good' no matter what anyone else does including mom herself
Thanks for your post, it just rang a bell and I finally understand, why a family member was attracted to people, who need "help". Helping other people is the only way to feel selfworth, if you were taught not to take yourself seriously, even then, when you're being mistreated and taken advantage of. If you're mistreated or taken advantage of, you blame yourself to have taken yourself too seriously, therefore things turned out bad/the person reacted negatively/... and in consequence you put all your energy in trying to meet the other person's needs the next time, the next time, the next time,...
A narcissistic relationship is like an intimacy and closeness desert, peppered with blame, manipulation, coercion, and control...So true. This is precisely the description of my marriage.
Plus projection
Leave
This is the same with close family relationships.
my childhood
Many of us have narcissistic spouses, families, and coworkers. We must learn to protect ourselves.
I wish they had this level of education decades ago. We covered personality disorders in adult psych as well as abnormal psych, but we didn’t go deep. Thank you for covering all of this.
It’s really scary because they do not sit still and they need constant attention, yet regardless of your presence…you are never seen or heard. There’s no connecting. 😢
Yeah they ignore you like you don't matter, while being adored by the crowd around them and making sure they are seen and heard
Absolutely it should be taught in grade schools and high schools. Also a part of the college curriculum.
Ignoring includes interrupting constantly, not listening, although making false accusations?@@JoeyBvr
I'm reading up on personality disorders, and one of the "problems" with the literature is that it's all focussed on how to treat the narcissist. Which is fine of course, but there seems to be very little empirical or hard science work on how to recognise the signs of and to treat victims. I'm sure it's out there, but most of the stuff addressing victims seems to be the more popular psych stuff. That's all fine, but I want to know what the hard data is on this shit. And also how can psychiatry inform victims that they're being abused if the victim isn't the primary patient. My narcissistic wife saw probably half a dozen mental healthcare professionals in the last few years of our marriage. Granted it wasn't for long, but due to confidentiality even if they had suspected her of being an abusive narcissist they couldn't have told me. How many victims are left to figure it out for themselves because the professionals are sworn to silence? We need a way to address this stuff.
They cannot be still or content or quiet or calm..... ever. So draining.
Using your own children/ family , your own money and the law against you are the cruelest examples of evil & destructive narcissistic behavior
Yes,and he knew how important my kids were for me.
Yes. I have been on the receiving end of this with family and friends more times than I can count. My commitment to myself and my life is to never accept this behavior from someone again. I will not accept it. I lost friends and most of my family by making this commitment, and it has been worth it.
Think you might like DSD Duane on here.
Who knew false arrest wasn't easy to just shrug off in real life, right?
😬😉
Godspeed to you.
My mother called the police on me .....like she was a good citizen! brought nothing but misery. Any favours they do it gets twisted back to hit you in the face then you owe them so much you are discredited and devalued at every turn. Smear campaigns and so on.....its got to be one of the worst human conditions by far
I lived on “ hope , optimism and determination. It takes two people to make a relationship work but only one to sabotage it.
So true!!!
As did I…thinking communication could fix it.
Very true my friend ! A good point
Well said.
In Scotland it is a crime. My ex partner is in court in 2 months and has been charged with threatening and abusive behaviour towards me which caused me alarm. This is a section 38 of the criminal justice act. Maximum sentence is 5 years in prison.
I knew I loved Scotland!
Go Scotland!!!!
Most narcissists are porn addicts, so intimacy goes out the window after love bombing. I lived it. Now divorced, all of the pieces of the puzzle have come together. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Thank you for describing these creatures in this context " the pieces of the puzzle " We walk through life no matter the quirks of the narcissists no matter how hurtful disturbing or any adjective out there. We wrestle with the lack of pieces to a puzzle. Why because they are a dark kaleidoscope of perpetuating anomaly 's Never ending the why is how damn consistent and how they manage to change it up with more of the same. Absolutely void of moral compass
Yes! It is incredible how all our stories are so similar, isn't it?
Exactly. My Ex husband was also a porn addict, but he said it was my fault because if we had more sex, he wouldn't need to watch porn . It's unbelievable what these narcizissts are saying to you. And they mean it, and if you have the discussion often enough, you think maybe he is right and I am the problem
They have a lot of addictions.
Alcohol and admiration@@rozwilcher
You have hit the mail on the head. I lost the sex drive long ago because he’d be harsh, unfeeling or use the silent treatment, but then, like you said, bread crumb and start to be warm, and I could tell he wanted sex. If I said I didn’t want to, he’d always pulled the “you’re not a good wife if you deny sex. You’re not a good Christian if you don’t submit to me.” I’d give in to his tantrum but honestly felt like I was being raped by a stranger. We’re separated now because after being married 50 years, I finally woke up and see his tactics. Much thanks to you, Dr. Ramini.
Thats rape actually: your Feelings are valid
Is it because that’s exactly how I felt
I have also been married 50 years on paper. After three months married, he started grooming me. He has had at least 9 other women in this marriage. I think about it, Princess Diana thought three was crowded, and than even though Charles is an evil narcissist he becomes king and her consort. Why is it that these evil people get away with it. His last girlfriend 11 years love bombing her, while I lost my Mom, got Shingles, and then cancer, dealing with cancer all alone during pandemic while he was suppose to be taking care of me he would spend all his time with her, the happy couple. I was not allowed to do stairs for first 2 weeks after surgery, he would leave me at 10 in the morning and come home late in the day leaving with no food or drink until he got home.
Narcs often deny sex as well.
@@huskyyukon Diana was a complete nutcase and a narc, not Charles he just wanted to get away from her.
That discomfort with having sex with the narcissistic husband is translated as “she’s frigid” by him. It’s particularly cruel because he knows he’s the one causing it. I frequently hear people saying how much they miss the sex from their romantic narcissistic relationship. Can’t relate. Not being guilted and coerced into the worst sex I’ve ever experienced is the best part of freedom.
It's horrible when your body isn't your own; it is theirs to use. You have no agency, and it is indeed terrible. The pouting the whining the tantrums it's so not attractive. They don't understand.. I have never felt so demeaned as a person in all my life. He made something beautiful ugly and I hated it.
Gave up sex many years ago was so tired of being gaslighted with lies during the day and a sleeping pill at night.
Agreed!! I am so grateful that part of my life is over. I have been gone for 8 months. My life is so much more peaceful and I am not changing that ever.
Exactly!
I refused to allow him back into my bed after I found out how many other women he was having affairs with while we were married. Then he proceeds to tell everyone that I have a sex problem and that is why we broke up. So, he moves in with a neighbor who was convinced that I was the worst woman on the planet for the way I treated my poor soon to be ex. That lasted less than two weeks before the Narc got thrown out of there. My neighbor commented that he didn't know how I put up with the Narc as long as I did.
The bread crumbs did not keep me in the marriage, financial fear kept me stuck
That's me now 15yrs later after realizing what I married!
I divorced on 2008 from an narc. I was verbally abused, controlled every aspect of my life like money, friends etc. He made my life a living hell. For the people outside he was the life of the party but with me he was a monster. I was never enough, everything i did was a mistake and he always acted and blamed me for anything. I would never be enough for this person. In 2020 i lost my dad and the shock for me was huge. Now i find myself dealing with post traumatic stress and i just started therapy cause i never really got over this abuse and after my dads death everything is triggered and i can no longer control my emotions.
I hear ya. I'm with a man that's not 100% narcistic but definately has trades. He doesn't, for instance control the money or my social contacts. I do. But he can use emotional blackmail a lot.
When my dad died of Parkinsons disease, everything got unravelled and I had to seek therapy also.
My father was my rock, in life. My mom had already passed when I was 34. My boyfriend could not be trusted and turned out to be traumatized in his youth with an alcoholic dad and 12 (!) siblings. Jeez it's beginning to sound boring. Are there actually people who had a nice childhood, like myself?
Dear eve... don't give up you are loved and you have many sisters ( and brothers ) who have come through and are reading your comment and praying for your complete healing ! Love you eve ,take care of yourself ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am praying for your healing. Blessings! Keep strong, because after all this, you have proven your strength! Wounded, yes, but mighty!
What a horrible way to go through life, isn't it? Being antagonistic, paranoid, angry, rageful, vengeful, entitled, controlling and contemptuous towards the people closest to you. I just don't get it. It drives people away, your adult children describe you as an a***hole and want very little to do with you. An empty life.
For them it is normal. They dont care. We find it unbelievable
Well Said ❤
Yes it is
As a parent who went no contact with our 40 year old child, I can say with certainty that they were miserable and hard to get along with since childhood. We tried everything and it has killed us in many ways. The cruelty, disrespect and abuse over the years got worse and worse. It’s not better. It will NEVER be better. But at least we took a stand and said no more to the direct abuse. The smear campaign has been like a horror movie, only because we know what they are capable of. We have lost hope.
Doesn’t bother them one bit. If it did they would change.
In the end when you said that narcissists are the greatest illusionists and magicians and Masters of disguise and deception. I thought about how the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist
Right on
My narcissistic ex used to accuse me of not wanting to be, or not being able to be emotionally intimate, or she would say we have no emotional intimacy like this declarative statement that exclusively blamed me for the problem. And this was her blaming me 100 percent for this "lacking" thing in our relationship. I had gone into self protection mode after the years of emotional abuse. But when she would blame me for everything, I was always so offended because yes, we never had sex, and yes we never connected on an emotional level but I couldnt for the life me allow those things to happen between us because she was so emotionally and verbally abusive. When I would try to kiss her she would turn her cheek so that is where I would be allowed to kiss her, or she would allow me give her almost a platonic little kiss that had no romance whatsoever, looking at me in the eyes with contempt when I tried to kiss her...and then she would blame my "immature attitude" when I simply couldn't take her verbal abuse anymore. She would rage at me over simple things like where a dish goes, or not wanting to cook her dinner for the 4000th day in a row. She would unleash the rage and verbal diarrhea and when I had the nerve to speak up or have something to say, I was called immature, because I wasnt allowed to speak or have an opinion. I was so frustrated, lonely and utterly depressed and I expressed that to her one day, and she had the nerve to tell me, "YOU are not the victim". I have no idea why she would call herself a victim. After years of telling her my love language is physical touch and I simply wanted a hug when I was sad, that got me months of her sleeping on the couch and no sex. All because I told her I wanted a hug from her. She even called me a narcissist or that I had avoidant personality disorder because I was simply trying to keep the peace or wanting to prevent her rage attacks. The only peace I got was appeasing her or letting her control my every action. She gave me an ultimatum 1 year into our marriage that I had to move from my home in CO to her families property in FL because she wanted to be near her family. I thought it would be nice to have the support of family during COVID. Silly me, I saw the silver lining and not the toxic spider web of her flying monkeys of her family. I was isolated from my own friends and family in FL, with 1 car so I could'nt leave on my own, she made me combine my checking account so she always had access to all the money. I was the only one that worked. I was trapped, with no car, no family and she had control of all the money. It was truly a magic act to find my way out of that mess. I left two weeks ago. It was the second time in 5 years and this time its permanent. The last time I was gone for 10 months. 6 months in, she called and apologized and told me that she is willing to change, and she would try harder to live in the present and not bring up past insults I had apparently done to her. Everything she said sounded like she was taking accountability for her part in it all, all the damaging behavior. It was the only time she had ever apologized....little did I know it was just a ploy to get me and my income back in her hands. I moved back in, and everything unraveled in 1 month. 1 month later it was back to the usual song and dance of I am the horrible perpetrator and she is the victim of my detachment and deceitfulness. She called me deceitful if she "intuited" that I did something, and then if I didnt "Admit" to whatever thing she intuited that I did....I was a liar and a deceitful narcissist. It was so mindbending, One day I was so flabbergasted at her 1000th random insult, I just stopped cooking HER breakfast, put down the tongs I was using to cook, walked out the door and havent come back. I moved in with my mom at 45, 800 miles away....everything I know is gone,....but at least I dont have to be abused anymore. She even had her narcisistic dad and codependent mom email and text me to see if Im coming back. The answer is a big fat No FUCKING WAY you toxic people! God that rant felt good.
Omg. Rail on, I still need to. A rancid she witch up to constant no good. She sounded just awful!
I'm so glad you made your escape. 😊
Am glad you left and are starting the path to a better life. I am a retired clinician and reading your narrative it sounds like your wife also had a second dx of Borderline Personality Disorder. It might ease your recovery by getting the help of a licensed clinician who specializes in personality disorders. Best wishes!
Good luck to you! I’m so sorry you were trapped in that horrible relationship!! But know that you are now free, and will be happy! And in time meet a woman that will love you and respect you the way you deserve!
@ CindyWillams-
It's funny how after you get away & deal with a little healthier pll for a while,
When they list all these awful things-abt you-its like they've saved all the lists of ever-& then they'll Blame you with then all at once-like the ones saying that-oh if 1 person died out of unusual early -& the other 2 were elderly & sick-they will try to tell you you kill ppl around you-or all the ppl Round you die!
Like who normal says the stupid stuff they do??
To them nothing hurts so it seems like they just say something to guilttrip you over weird things--
I hope you don't ever have to speak again-
But it may come back in your mind-
.these horrific accusations that a normal person would "know" you just d' "don't Go there"...
So it may show healing when your able to see how ridiculous they get!
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I would describe it as dancing without music. That’s what my marriage felt like. We were going through the motions and it looked like dancing, but it had none of the beauty and the joy that music would’ve brought to it.
☀️☀️ I say stay away from people who harm your inner peace and self! They are like a slow poison, and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can stop drinking it! 💯
no shit. what is your first clue concerning that remark. easy to say and much harder to do when severely tied down financially to one. 46 years.
@@Feribrat99 Sorry, Karen, but it's up to you to figure out how to leave these people behind. Nobody can do that for you.
Said well 👍 😊
one thousand thumbs up!!!
You have a keen perspective on this subject. Your words hit me right between the eyes. Thank you so much for posting.
OMG the lack of intimacy is what tore me apart. I was married for 35 years & I always thought it'd get better. I thought it was me.I dealt with severe depression always feeling I wasn't doing something right.
*Thank you for all you do*
I’m so sorry
I’ve been married 34 years
He promised to be faithful and married to me but NEVER WAS
he cheated on me the entire 34 years so far
There has never been any intimacy
Zero
Once I found out he was cheating in 2006 I left and we’ve never been intimate since cuz he’d rather be with prostitutes
I stayed for the kids 😢 he would have turned them against me
There’s no intimacy
He doesn’t care
He hasn’t communicated with me for 11 days … so evil and cruel
I saw a cockroach
My heart goes out to you. I have been feeling exactly the same way as you did and my narc is in the process of discarding me. You keep telling yourself it will get better because there is nothing that makes any sense that is wrong with the relationship. Then you discover NPD. What an eye opener and heartbreaker simultaneously. Good luck to you in the future.
@Trueblue222 Thank you & good luck to you as well. Stay positive. Time doesn't heal it but it helps to make it easier.
I have been married to mine for 17 years and I feel this to the core because it has happened to me as well. I finally called it quits I just couldn't with the loneliness anymore or the illnesses
1. Intimacy avoidance
2. Breadcrumbing
3. Future-faking
Been there, experienced all three, it was over for 7 months. I think I was lucky!!!!
Dr Ramani, I just discovered you - it’s as if my heart leaped out of my chest & began speaking. The power & validation that comes with hearing terminology that defines this type of person & abuse I’ve experienced is freeing. It’s like when you hear a song that you love & you just want to play it over & over again . “I’m not crazy, I’m not crazy, I’m not crazy” is the chorus. Pray for me as I plan for my freedom & try to find a way to escape my narcissist . 🙏
Prayers your way, dear!
You have mine, as well.
The sooner you do it, the sooner you will heal. Don't pain shop and stick around like I did for years and years! I will NEVER allow this to happen to me ever again. You learn so much the more you listen to these videos! I have a friend who is going through this now and she wants to have the last word. It will never happen nor does it matter....JUST GET OUT!!!
LOL..I am not crazy...😂
Narcissists make something that should be caring and beautiful like sex, discussing and gross.
Exactly!
Marital r*pe is a thing... they take what they want, when they want it- and not a second before they decide...😏
I thought it was just me ....thank goodness for comments
And shameful.
So true
I once heard that the definition of “INTIMACY” is “INTO ME SEE”. Intimacy is dangerous to a narc because they are not any where interested in YOU seeing the REAL them.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this!!! I LOVE this definition! IT IS SO SPOT ON!!!
Profound! ❤
Oooo. Excellent insight!
Yes, Teal Swan was great explaining Intimacy meaning 👉Into Me See!…
🦋
Thank you so much! This makes so much sense now that I heard that that.
Thank you for this - I carried so much shame and guilt for avoiding sex at the end of the relationship. I even used the term “stranger” .
Yes! Same! But it truthfully felt like a transaction that diminished the value behind the person we are.
Felt like a piece of meat. Not a HUMAN BEING. But a means to an end.
The intimacy she is talking about is what we were starved. Not physical.
We stopped the physical because by Gods grace we have intuition guarding us against their bs!
God bless!
When your heart is hungry, crumbs of affection can feel like a feast.
Gaslighting has to be number one.
Running a con man scenario on people that love you
Gaslighting is a criminal offence in the UK since 2015 ❤❤
Yes. The dishonesty about love can be totally devastating. We could be going along seemingly fine and then out of the blue he would disappear for several days or be with another woman.
I had a sibling try to gaslight me about my relationship with my mom after she passed away. Inexcusable behavior.
When the narcissist is also a procrastinator, the future faking is particularly cruel.
This would be my narcissist
@@SR-rx4pk he or she is not "yours". Words and our framework matters.
Love, J
Yes..im going thru this..every hope n dream i thought we shared is.mine alone.. and he steals from me..hes done everything Dr R had spoken of
I dont like using the term just narcissist as these r NPDs not really narcissists..the later dont do whats been or is being done to us
@@JonasAnandaKristiansson Agree. Never refer to this monster as "yours" - he/she never was, never will be, and to claim it like that means you allow it to be a part of you long after they're gone.
I just had to end my relationship with my daughter because of narcissism. Everything you said is exactly how she is. She sees me as weak because I’m not as independent as her, and has consistently badmouthed and ridiculed me to my granddaughter since she was 11. My granddaughter is now 21 and hates me. When asked why, there’s really no answer. I now have to continue without them, and oddly there is some relief. I wouldn’t wish this on the worst human being.😢
Shortly after we tied the knot, I casually told my narcissistic husband "I love you" We were alone in our bedroom and he said "O.k." It couldn't have embarrassed him cause we were alone. I really was gobsmacked. There are so many things... I'll never forget them.
I know that feeling. What I used to get was, "You don't have to say 'I love you' all the time, it's a bit much." or "Do you only say that so I'll say it back?"
Mine demanded sex daily but quickly tuned out my needs because he said I was just being tiresome and difficult. Same kind of slap in the face.
He would call me vile names and then expect me to service him. Then get mad that I wasnt enthusiastic. I was also told I was no good unless I did. It began to feel like assault. It was awful. It wasnt an ask either it was coercion. Do it or pay the price. It ruins it all. I was a piece of furniture that got sat on that's all.
I can totally relate 😢
This is so relatable. And when you finally leave they spread the most vile sexual rumors around. And if that’s not a sign of an evil heart I don’t know what is.
@@CJbrieflittlecandleyep. Stayed single for a long time after that:/ I avoid him like the plague
It is emotional assault
His raging would scare me to death and I had to give in, but he did end up getting a girlfriend
When you have sex with a narcissist you feel used. You feel like an appliance. Their love is conditional, manipulative, score keeping. I'm not sure my narc was so much afraid of intimacy; I think he just didn't see value in it. He claimed he needed sex for medical reasons, and when I stopped sex because of abuse, neglect, feeling used, then he blamed all his medical issues on me. Sex with a narcissist means clean slate for their bad behavior. It's totally utilitarian, but they might put on a slight love act for it if they have to. When I stopped sex is when I saw the real monster come out. Then I could never go back; I could never trust the beast behind the mask ever again.
You cant unsee what you saw
Be careful in being physically intimate with a narcissist. They cheat and bring home unwanted STDs.
My narc husband continually called me a bitch and a cunt. I refused sex with him. I told him at least prostitutes get paid. I am divorced now, thankfully. I know he told everyone I was 'frigid'.🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wow u read my mind
I didn't stop it, he made itbreal good again, then took it away ! I cried in a book store as I was rejected daily after love bombing me again at 20 yrs. Why ? I feel again for that crap . But I'm the bad onemlmao
I have been out of my 18 year relationship with my narcissistic children's father. I now watch these videos to understand more about the last 18 years. All these topics make sense to me from actually living it. I am so happy now, and have peace in my mind and life.
Exactly.
Me too 👍
I mean, I’m not jumping for joy or anything, but at least I have peace in my life 🙂
Just like Alcoholics Anonymous, we should form NARCISSTST SURVIVOR GROUPS. NSA, Narcissist Survivors Anonymous.
👍🏼
"Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed." They're never going to change.
@@yukio_saito Never is a big statement. Very rarely is more accurate.
Great idea Jozette👍
@@evera_ that was kinda invalidating. Most of us have clung on to hope with a narc to long.
I can’t tell you how much comfort this brought me. Often your videos will unexpectedly make a knot of fear and tension release in my heart. This was one of them. I was able to answer this question of “what is WRONG with me” with “I’m coping. I’m responding to a relationship that requires specific behaviors and social settings from me. This doesn’t mean I have become that.”
In my case from very early on I felt like I was "sleeping with the. enemy". It proved to be true
Yes!!😢
💯 So sad!
To narcissists, intimacy is like masturbating in the company of someone else.
So disturbingly put well.
Oh thats funny 😂🤣😅 And when they orgasm, they scream their own name! 😅🤣😂😹
Exactly
Yes. Horrible feeling.
Dated one who had a big mirror. So he could watch himself. I was just an object. First clue something was off and he wasnt making love but watched his own movie..
Sick.
I married someone who ,on top of you hving sex ,then tke remote control to watch football ,I hate football upto now espesilly Germany V England ,when I complained ,was told that I am crzy .he ws heavy on top of me ,I couldnt breath ,now if I hear a man in love with football ,I want to run
This videos need to be in Home, School, Colleges, University etc. Help young people.
There are so many layers of manipulation, egging-on, lies, gaslighting, hoovering ways that I have observed in my 85 year old narc sister that I can't even count here! Everytime I talk with her there is a new one! There seems to be an agenda to all she says..to make herself look good, thanking God she is better and better off than others. Never heard her be grateful for her life without comparing and making others look bad. She is the master of dodging questions, blaming others, gas lighting, and making up stories to serve her purpose. She says the same story in multiple ways depending on whom she wants to attack.
Sounds just like my Mother -in -law. Now deceased at 96, never stopped trying to fulfill that agenda till her last dying breath. Once they get it in their mind that you have wronged them in some way, it never ends, even if there is proof that they were wrong. I don't believe I ever heard a true word from her mouth. Her whole life was a fantasy. She would even lie about things that had no meaning. She left fake jewelry to one of her nieces in her will. It was embarrassing. She kept two safe deposit boxes at the bank that were full of Sale Ads from grocery stores. She used the family estate to control her Son, claiming she could remove him as a beneficiary. When we finally found the deed (she kept well hidden), Turns out he was the rightful owner all along His Grandparents had left him the house, not his mother. Oh they can really be something else all right.
Narc are masters of scheming and manipulation. We only need to see through the first two layers and give narc up. No need to stay long enough to peel through their layers of BS and deep emptiness
Future fakers are the worst - just an illusion to drain you of resources.
Thanks for another great video Dr. Ramani ❤
First off I want to thank Dr Ramani for helping me wake up and realize what is going on and what has been going on for the last 49 years of my marriage! I cry when I watch videos regarding narcassists and what he’s done to me but I also cry for all these people who were treated just as badly as I have been!
I have been dealing with this for 40 years after the love bombing ended so did the what thought was real love. He says off of the wall stuff and looks at me and says” Well I guess I will have to go somewhere else to get me some”. He has gotten so rude and tells me often to get out of his house. We saw a semi truck on the highway the trailer read “ Heaven or Hell it’s you choice” I looked at him and said, there’s your sign, he looked at me with disgust in his eyes. If looks could kill I’d would be dead.
@@cyndim8785Are you trapped financially, or is there a possibility of escape? My heart goes out to you. What a nasty evil man, I hope that semi truck comes back around & squashes him like a bug.
I hope you get out of it I am 37 horrible years with lyme disease and longhauler covid and am working on getting out I gave him half of my house and he is living here freeloading and gets mad if I ask him for money@@cyndim8785 I am paying the mortgage and half the time in a wheechair hope god helps you in gaining strength to leave good luck to all us suffering souls with gods help
I wish all young women could know this to prevent much pain in relationships.
I work for an NPD boss. I literally fell in love with her because of the “love bombing”. Then I held on for the bread crumbing. I finally decided to quit my job, thanks to the understanding I’ve gained from your videos.
I think this is one of the things behind obesity. I lived in a emotional famine from age 13 on. At the same time, I began gaining weight, filling my emotional emptiness with food, particularly sweets. I literally craved sweetness.
The sucrose gives you a fast energy boost and this is often perceived as feeling better.
Being abused, constantly anxious, and constantly on edge is draining. So the energy boost from sucrose would lead to feeling better.
And sweetness primordially reminds us of breast milk, being fed, and security that comes with it.
Is this helpful in understanding the need for sweet foods?
I hope you're able to recover 👍
@@TheKrispyfort thank you ❤
Same but I smoked instead
True!!
I relate to this alot
It’s so interesting the mention of a lack of intimacy being tied to being with a stranger. Shortly after I got married (following a super quick courtship), I found out how cruel my husband was. I recall starting to write a poem with the theme of “A stranger wears his face”.
It took thirty years to finally leave, after raising a son together and serving as ministers throughout our entire marriage. After enduring his infidelity a second time, I realized I just couldn’t be intimate with someone I could no longer trust. It’s hard to know what parts of those thirty years were true and which parts were lies. He was not at all who I thought I was marrying!
I feel the same ... 23 miserable years with a stranger ... I only recently found out about Narcissists ... and he hates that the RUclips playlist on the TV ... recommends a heaps of Narc videos 😂
@@tonikip7886Is that safe?? Won’t he go into a rage when he sees it?
Finish that poem, it sounds spooky! 👻
Ditto😮 re really marrying a Stranger who quickly turned Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde *after I fell-n-love & married tooo fast to understand Alll the red flags ... & i survived near 10 years of horrible narcissist-marriage, & he plays the part of a (wolf) "minister"... oh yay🙄... & IS still abusing by proxy thru his on-going *12 year frivolous custody-battle,* & he Still gets away with his abuse-by-proxy thru our 3 presh children nc he pays big to corrupt Attorneys...
& continues w/ worst Parental Alienation, & alll his abuse is "legally-Allowed" by Family Court in Tarrant Cnty...🙏🏻🙏🏽🙏🏼for our children to truly seee the Truth in Alll Matters re what he has done to us for 21 years... & To be Freed from his abuse & completely Healed, Restored unto me as their Mother & alll our lost time together, esp of past 5 years & continuing...
Ministers 😮😂😂
Everything Dr Ramani says is exactly what I've just gone through.
I mean she hits everything on the head. The woman I was in a narcissistic relationship with could be the poster person for narcissism.
The intimacy part of it was so true in my case.
At first oh, it was great. And it was very showcasy. I'm at a loss for words because I went through alllllll of this. For 15 months. And I stayed.
I felt like such a weak, stupid individual for not leaving sooner. But now I know I had very little control because I had no idea about how deeply narcissism can go.
But the more I read and the more I research, I see this woman as exactly what she is.
My question is, do they do this consciously? Do they actually think about this behaviours or does it just come natural to them?
I am certain that there must have been some good times, but over a 30 year marriage, I can barely remember anything but the manipulation, head games, humiliation..... I am so glad that Dr Ramini has helped me put all that into perspective. I realize that it wasn't my fault; that I got sucked into the pattern. Thanks, Dr!
The brainwashing is probably the worst part: the unsuspecting victim becomes imprinted with the narcs false, dark, relentless projections. So you walk around bearing a false identity. The intense grief work begins when one is ready to go NO CONTACT, and start the inner reparenting journey.
One cannot stay safe nor sane in relationship with them. The body indeed keeps the score.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani - your videos are a global treasure.❤
The body indeed keeps the score ? Yes !!
If only I had known about narcissism two years ago! But then, I wouldn't have become a much wiser and better person!
Yes, the body keeps score! I would have recognized that he was the reason my BP went from being naturally on the low side to spiking up and down to dangerous levels in the same day! It was from walking on eggshells, being ordered around in my own home in which HE WAS THE GUEST because sneaky Brother was "homeless". Never ending cleaning up after him and his dog, which had to be in the bedroom with him while my dogs bedded in the closed in porch! Constant criticism. Rage fits. Language never heard in my home. Tantrums. Lies! Deliberate destruction of my tools and farm equipment. Black holes in my hardwood floor from live coals he let burn through the wood.... The list is unending.
Then demanding I drive him over a thousand miles to take care of His business - stealing finances, credit card number and family heirlooms from the 16th century which can never be replaced. Still I am finding "stuff" he accomplished to destroy me for having permitted him to live in my home for free.
He left me with the gift of PTSD, paralysis I have never experienced in 73 years, and ten years of catching up on repairs that should never have had to be done - now that my youth has left me!
It leaves one totally depleted, physically, psychologically, emotionally....
I'm looking forward to the mansion in the heavens where the Father created each of us to be in His delighted and beautiful presence forever! I PRAY that Brother repents and becomes the person he was created to be. Possible?
All things, even this hope, are possible with God!
Please bring a court system to punish them. It is so much worst than the physical abuse. Those bruises to the soul are never going to be yielded.
So true and the bruises/scars are invisible so any reaction others see from us makes us look like the bad guy BUT being defensive or frustrated are signs of someone who has endured years of emotional and mental pain and exhaustion, all behind closed doors 😢
It truly is. I always say I would rather get punched in the face because screwing with someone's mind is so abusive. Those wounds heal but scares remain the same.
@@nickijames5122 if you are available to get away from the narc please do so. It is so much worth it. You will start seeing the world out of the fog. Please do this for your soul. I can't because my kids listen to the narc and I am a immigrant no where to go except the narc. So please run 🙏 away if you get a chance.
@@bird2428 You have a safety net in the Domestic Violence Shelter. Call your local police or look for them on line or in the phone book. They can and will help you. Ask other women for help. Someone one will know where and how to get you help. Many churches have domestic violence shelters, also.
We all can heal. Being a victim is a choice. If we don't learn, grow, forgive and overcome, then yes.
Having had narcissistic parents and most recently, a narcissistic girlfriend I have to say these people are the scum of the earth and every one of them should be given long prison terms for their crimes. This is disgusting.
This is eerie! He convinced me to leave my career and country and that he would take care of me. Total bull! But the good news is I am pursuing a new career and I’ll be able to take care of myself. Prayer works! Freedom awaits! I’m allergic to narcissists and their neglect, promises, and temper tantrums! Fantastic content! 💜🙏
I'm going thru that exact thing now, really not coping 😔
Intimacy Avoidance. Breadcrumbing. Future Faking. Each one were profoundly cruel and hurtful. Plus, many other wretched ‘tricks’ they’ll never own up to.
Bread crumbing - when its your loaf of bread !!!!!!! Bizarre.
I'll take the beadcrumming future faking over the.dirty tricks used.never did i understand it and still dont butnever did i imaginesome who claims to love you could act in such a manner. I'm over it now but I have compassion for all stuck.
All of the above even children saw it
They in the end stepped in U was to damaged had break down
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
You made me feel hopeful. I do applaud you.
Wise
@ cheryl Riley
Best survivor story ever & every good wishes for both🎉
That's a fake email. This person is trying to scam us. Don't contact that fake "detective" people!
🎀I was all for your story until you mentioned,”Solitude” and showed the email address lol. Most people in controlling narcissistic relationships, want connection with others. Not solitude and isolation. Also what’s the point in providing an e-mail address? Scam?🎀
Thank you for explaining narcissism in a way anyone can understand. You made a difficult subject relatable. Thank you ❤
You validated me and let me know that I did nothing wrong and the narcissistic relationship I was in for 20 years I don't know that I'll ever fully heal from this relationship
It takes time to heal.
This is the best reason to get to know a person before having sex with them. Not because of prudism, but self preservation, and respect for yourself and body. The way that person reacts to your decision will speak volumes of their true intentions and inner self, who they actually are.
People not impacted will never understand the depth of pain and damage a narcissistic relationship has and how it changes a person and the level of strength it takes for restoration to take place with alot of prayer and a close bond of people that provide understanding and support on the path of recovery. Trust me even family members don't understand so the circle might only be 1 or 2 friends. Every thing Doctor Ramani explains is what I experienced and more but I am free now , no contact and I immediately walk away from toxic people that add no value to my life. The road to recovery is hard but with prayer , understanding people around you and teachings like Dr Ramani that helps us understand we are not alone and we are not the problem, Yes we now realise our self worth and self respect to start living our lives as God intended with lots of peace, joy and love. I did it and so can you.
"Those crumbs are gobbled up and cherished", my gosh, I am almost moved to tears. It's incredible how much we will give in return for so little.
Dr. Ramani described my 28 year marriage! Even after being out of it for 4 years I am still struggling to work through feelings of being so broken. Slowly letting go of the blame I took (internalized) throughout.
After being in narcissistic relationships for so long, I'm afraid I'm turning into a narcissist because relationships don't feel safe and it makes me want to go inward and not have anything to do with anyone.
Same here. 😢 Plus I am confused on an ongoing basis about who is "good" and who is "bad." I feel like I can't trust anyone.
Same.
Yes,fearful of giving yourself only to find yourself with the same type of person again....
I was literally just wondering this about myself. He’s turned me to stone.
I got so used to being a recluse, attending to the narcs every need, I’m lacking the social skills to form new relationships and friendships. He’s made me into a bitter, pessimistic person, angry at every perceived slight in tone in tone of voice from strangers etc. I don’t know what to do with this defensive anger I have constantly on the back burner ready to go. I wouldn’t want to be friends with a dysregulated person like me, bitter and unable to let the past go, so I save ppl the trouble and gave my whole heart to one of my dogs. So I can’t inadvertently hurt others or give them the chance to let me down.
Breadcrumbing was one of the most damaging things to ever happen to me. It felt so dehumanizing for someone you trusted to try and attach an emotional leash to you, only to ignore you for months or until you pulled away again. It worked for 6 months before I finally went scorched earth, and 3 years later they want back in. Absolutely not!
I’m starting to enjoy pulling away from my narc daughter and counting how long it takes for a love bomb text or phone call to try and lure me back for more punishment and manipulation. The good thing about narcissists-they’re predictable once you know their game; nor does her punishments or manipulations bother me. I’ll never ever let her know if anything bothers me. #heartless
Other day i spent my own money.on nails, and sunglasses
He was so fckd off..literally seething 😂
@@Lena-so2lq Let him seeth.
I’m on to my narc daughter and can almost write the script of what’s coming next. She bought a new house and sent us a photo telling the square footage, number of baths and bedrooms but no address. We said a simple congratulations because she’s been treating her parents like crap using our only grandchild as collateral. And then came the love bomb phone call to both of us with an “I love you” at the end. She had to talk about that fabulous house. We still don’t know the address or if we’ll ever be invited over.
I know. All of that back and fourth/push and pull is horrible. It's very damaging.
Dr Ramani sure knocked this subject on the head. I so wish I’d known what narcissism looked like when I was young and hopeful.
❤thank you very much for all the teaching you have given to us. I have learned so much from you & from reading the comments of many people following your channel. God Bless you & your family❤
My narcissist husband told me after months of no sex that he felt that since we hadn't had sex for so long that he didn't feel comfortable having sex with me anymore. I remember how devastating that was to hear from my husband. But by then I was in such a narcissistic fog I was already numb. The emotional abuse was every bit as frightening as his physical abuse. Then I learned he had a new rx for Viagra and a secret life in another town. I feel fortunate to have gotten out when I did... and that was only due to the escalating physical abuse and letting my dr see the injuries and bruises.
Thank you for being here and doing this!!
It's hard to have sex when you see them as a child not a man. Most men want a mommy. Not pleasing to a woman. I have kids already thanks.
They use sex to control. If u like it they will withhold
Like living in an "emotional famine." So true!
Thank you for your videos. You bring up so many things that guide me to consider how my actions might be interpreted by others. Some of these things are obvious, but others aren't so much. I can think of times I have misspoke or been less than considerate, but it takes so little to just take a moment to consider how your response to others will make them feel about your relationship, or even more, how they may begin to feel about themselves.
Thank you ,Dr.Ramani, you are a true blessing! I feel like your explanations serve as a long lost game board lid with rules for navigating this bizarre torture !
My elderly covert narc mom and I could have a great day out shopping or whatever but by the end of the day would come a shocking insult and cutdown out of nowhere. I would be in shock!!! My therapist said "You were getting too close".
That's really interesting. My "difficult" sister visited for a week last year. Whilst all seemed ok, there was an undercurrent of continuous and subtle fault finding. I bit my tongue as I also had 3 other family members visiting from overseas, but staying in a hotel..
On the last morning, I got up and made her breakfast. She sat at MY table, looked into my kitchen and said "I can't believe you did not wash up those dishes last night" - There were 2 plates and 2 glasses. "My husband would never allow that in my house".
What the heck? I said, "Right, all you have done since you have been here is criticise. If you continue, I will ask you to leave my home". She shouted "You need to be more organised" I left the room fuming. She said it a few more times. She got up, picked up her suitcase and with her daughter walked out. My husband went too as he was taking her to the train station. I went outside to say goodbye and she was so cold, I gave my 10 year old niece a hug and said to her, when you are a guest in someones home, you don't criticise it. She apologised as she has joined in with her mothers criticisms too.
She didn't ring me for a few weeks and then I rang her and apologisedf or one thing I had done, but said I am not apologising for anything else. That is the way that I choose to live my life. . She said "It was her sense of humour and we obviously don't have the same sense of humour" I believe that is a typical Narc reply.
I have put up with so much sh*t off of her over the years - it was great to have seen her more clearly. The only reason I stay in touch is because I have two lovely nieces and I am their only Aunt as my sister and I are the only siblings.
@@softsophisticate The "humour" is really a veiled stab at you. Thankfully she lives away from you. Sounds like covert narc traits to me. They're sneaky and shady and they love throwing digs at others. The hardest part for us to understand is that they do not think like us.
This is spot on. My covert narcissist wife of near 46 years has broken me. She was a love bomber in relationships before me and with me when I got involved with her. I had no clue what I was in for. She's still highly sex focused but it's always been a mechanical experience. She's never allowed herself to be vulnerable and share honest feelings or be truly compassionate. I've reached a point where I do not desire sex.
The awkwardness of the sex with lack of emotion and using sex as a tool has destroyed my desire. The random irrational rages, gaslighting, projecting, bread crumbing, etc has taken it's toll.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Are you two still together? Life is too short and I wasted 6 years with my covert narc ex. There was no intimacy, towards the end it had been close to 6 months. It's like my body knew before my brain did.
The raging is something else. Perfect behavior in public total psychosis behind closed doors. Yikes. Hope you’re okay.
Because SHE is an evil spirit and the soul is hollowed out and taken over by demons. Demons can't love or feel human connection😢
@@farahleigh8332 Yes, we're still together. I value the relationship and maneuver around the toxicity. We have 3 well adjusted adult children who I'm very proud of so I stay "grey man" and remain non-reactive during rages and toxic moments.
My wife has a charming, outgoing public mask so the dark side is for my eyes only. I have a close friend going through the same thing in his long term marriage. We support each other and RUclips channels like this one help educate what is the cause of the hostility in our relationships. Thank you for your question. I'm sad my wife is in victim mode and unfulfilled most days but I help nudge her back to center. Life is good. I hope all is well with you
Stay strong 💪
Thank you Doc. Narcs are so good at all things and all roads that lead to trouble! I never stop thanking God for my stubburnness, my own independence of thoughts and actions...which saved me from my narc sisters and ex...and yet I too look back and know I could have done better if they were not narcs.
I discovered you yesterday and find myself glued to your videos. I must say they are bringing clarity to my situation, but in a painful way. However, I know that I need to hear this and I am so grateful I found you. It all makes sense now. I only wish I discovered you years ago. Thank you
I am speechless to know after 20 years that I was not the cause but he was a hardcore narcissist who put me through emotional famine and physically almost impotent that you doubt your own gender and looks.Thank you Dr Ramani for addressing these issues.Left that narc long ago.It was extremely painful almost suicidal but the chapter is over.
I also feel that sometimes the narc turns healthy people also into narcs. And that not everyone comes out of narcissistic abuse unscathed. What I mean @unscathed is that yeah, we'll all suffer from the initial narcissistic abuse and it will take years to recover from, that is evident & there's evidence in this too. But, that some times even with all of that, that more times than not the abused also turn into narcissists themselves. 🤷
I feel like this happened to me. I was once a good girl that trusted too many carless people. My ex that I think is a narc, distroyed my heart, my trust completely in humanity, I think. He was the last straw on the camels back, thought he was my soulmate, but he literally treated me quite poorly at times. Just breaking this all down now that I've had a lot of time away from him, and how compassionate and forgiving and patient I was for him for him to not give those trates back..
He brought so much toxicity and I was trying so hard to battle it. It was like he brought the poison and I was bringing the medicine. It drained me so very much. I'm wanting to heal all the time letting go. Together for 4 years. He never wanted to protect. I'm so scared of sex because people are so scary. They will say anything to get it. Even year after year ..... I still cry about the pain. He tells me he just laughs and how he and his friends laugh at my insanity, I was never like this before....... Crazy how people process........ he was telling me all this time we'd have a family and a wedding.. ouchy. . This is hell I'm sure.
He started diving into hard drugs, I think he just wanted a drugged out sex doll that played music, he says I'm too powerful. I remember looking into his eyes and he looked like he wanted to destroy me... I loved him,. Gave him my body and soul(like an idiot)
I know I still have hope. Barley. These days life is a celebration and nothing really matters is my mentality. Sex is pretty much traumatizing for me because my ex lied so many times to get access to my body. telling me he would put a baby in me only while we bang never anniciating the family talk only while we bang for me to believe and let him in deeper.
I need to go to therapy, 8 months and I still cry.
Then when I slept with other people when we broke up and told him the truth when he asked he took his love away and looked at me like a whore....
Another reason sex is traumatizing.
So crazy. 8 months later and i am still so deep in healing.... I don't think I will ever heal from this one. Humanity is such a let down. Maybe it's wise to become a narcissist that way you always protect yourself and never care because caring is so painful and people suck.
In other words, it's only a mindgame. The game is rigged and you will only lose in this game. Don't fall into this trap because that is all this is, a trap, and only leads to your downfall. It's Lucy promising Charlie Brown, he's really gonna kick that football. Maybe. "One day".
The most cruel behavior my narc had was blameshifting. No matter what she did, it was always my fault somehow. And the reason why it was so cruel was that it worked. She didn't even have to tell me how it was my fault. All she had to do was to insinuate it was my fault to send me into a ruminating spiral until I found a way to make it my fault. In fact, it worked better when she didn't try to make excuses why her behavior was my fault: when she did, it was easier for me to see through it. In essence, she basically turned my own willingness to give her the benefit of the doubt against me.
I'm never doing that again. If someone can't give their own reasons for their shitty behaviors, I'm never gonna look for reasons in their place. It's not my job to justify other people's behavior, and it especially not my job to take responsibility for other people's behavior. I would have done anything to fix our relationship, but no relationship is worth throwing myself under the bus for someone who can't take responsibility for their actions.
Exactly! I have the exact same problem with my husband. I'm fine with living alone with my husband, that's how disconnected we became but he isn't fine with being ignored. Gee, I wonder why.
I learned to never "fill in the blanks" for other people. I have an ex that leaned on allowing me to believe what I wanted to believe, by just not offering any information.
Toxic people see nothing wrong with their animalistic behaviors, after all, they are never wrong. They have no desire to work on themselves. I used to be that person who was good at holding others accountable for their behaviors until they learned how to manipulate around that in their conversations with me so I couldn't find the window to point out their bad behavior and poor choices. With my dad, I rarely felt at liberty to correct him because he's older and should know better. Who should need their daughter to tell them to stop behaving badly? The most I would do with him is set boundaries when absolutely necessary. As bad as he is, I would have to set a boundary every time he opened his mouth, he is that awful. But I have several narcissists in both mine and my husband's family. So, now, with my newfound acceptance of these toxic, un-boundaried people, they can figure out themselves why I want nothing to do with them. All family since I don't make friends with narcissists. My step-mother was wrong! Blood in NOT thicker than water.
I know exactly how you feel hun!
They don't seriously think they have any part in the pain you feel because they don't have any feelings. (It is extremely different to us!)
This is my favorite message by far!❤ I love the "bread crumb" example...wonderful way of explaining that truth. I'm just so thankful for you using your experience to give someone like me a gift! Life!❤
This is one of the best videos I’ve watched by Dr. Ramani. It’s so eye opening that it brought up the hurt feelings I had and still feel now after learning that these behaviors were done to control me and keep me.. he wasn’t being real with me.. 💔that hurts
This is the most brutal, saddest truth. Thank you for the reality check.
My ex husband narc was terrible in bed. Thank you for explaining this, Dr Ramani. It all makes sense now. He never asked for sex in all our 20 years together and when I stopped initiating it, it was all my fault that it wasn't happening!
I have a narcissistic granddaughter I don’t know how to handle it. She’s rude nasty one day then she’ll reach out to me the next day and just as nice I keep her son 24 seven. I don’t know how to handle this situation.
I used to tell my ex spouse that "you like the IDEA of me, but you do not like ME." Their attentions are extremely fickle and flimsy. They are easily bored and easily pick up bad habits and company if it suits their fancy and keeps them from being bored. They cannot STAND to be alone for just one second. Always in motion and always trying to get you to jump through hoops that you would rather not jump through. It is a hot mess and exhausting. In the end, you will hollow yourself out trying to satisfy the unsatisfiable.
Yikes, I actually used to say the exact same thing to my ex. We were both insanely toxic, but it was after that admission I knew I had to bounce
This 56-minute video educated me about the 26 years of hell I've been living with my wife.
I watched countless vids and read numerous articles offered on the subject.
It's scary that I identified countless behaviors mentioned here, including my blind naivety to notice what was happening.
43 years of breadcrumbs. So so lonely and so sad. Raising 3 kids on my own and then he turned the kids on me. Told the kids that I am unstable and crazy.
Omg so sorry you're going through that. Narcs love to say we are the crazy and unstable ones. But we are not! Be strong and I hope everything works out for you. ❤
So sorry this happened. 37 years here. My therapist said 5% of narc traits can be hereditary and it can also be learned by how they have seen our spouse treat us. Take care of yourself, you have value. Be kind to yourself and find ways to grow and enjoy your days now, in the present moments. We have good days and bad days. Be gentle with yourself, gradually there will be more good days than bad. Hugs.
I have 3 kids as well. And also been blamed the unstable and crazy one. He also tried to turn the kids against me.
I'm glad mine turned out ok
He stayed away worked then
I am in in awe of how clearly she explains this. Right down to the most minute detail. The destruction of self by being in a relationship with a narcissist is a whole different level of aloneness. Not only are you not in a convective relationship with them but your relationship is now of such an addictive situation that you have slowly eliminated everyone in your life and you've completely lost your sense of self. You are now completely dependent on the abuser for any connection and you're starved of any human interaction that the scraps they throw are now enough to confuse you into feeling full.
I was amazed too! She clearly knows what she is talking about!!!
Absolutely. He was the center of my universe back then.
❤😢
these harmful situations do not only have to be male-female intimate relationships either.
I know im a women married to a fem narc
Dr Ramani you are amazing! I’ve been following you for years. I’m so thankful I found you. You have helped me more then you can know. Recently I’ve noticed you reading and speaking slowly. It’s not as natural as it once was. I love the content no matter what. I hope you get a long vacation to your dream location very soon. You deserve it!!! ❤
Dr Ramani!!!! WOW YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING! This hit me to my core as if you were watching my whole relationship. You were able to describe every aspect of my relationship with my ex narcissist. It is amazing to me that you understand it so well. You have no idea how much I’ve needed you. You have put such perspective into my brain. You have put so much compassion into my heart and you are helping so many of us heal by understanding the whole concept of narcissistic abuse. I do not know what I would’ve done if I didn’t find you. The healing is extremely painful the understanding of this all and wrapping my head around. It is even more painful but I’m gonna continue to feel the pain because I know that’s the only way to get through it, I love you I wish I could meet you. I wish I could talk to you because my damage goes so deep from the time I was eight years old. From my mother, to my ex husband of 22 years and then to my most recent year long relationship with one of the worst kinds of narcissist anyone could imagine