SAME!!! THIS IS A REVOLUTION FOR ME. It's a failure of our system that we do not teach this sort of thing to children outside of bullshit generic sentiments like "you are special! you belong!" Those don't help. I needed individualized and strong terms/descriptions that are SPECIFIC and ACTION oriented and Heidi provides just that. Personalized therapy is the next step for me but Heidi is SO incredibly helpful. I am grateful for her ❤️
....I've been clicking through her videos to mark them with 👍🏻 in hopes that her content spreads to other people 🥹 just my tiny way of thanking her for what I am able to learn about myself...
yes heidi preibe, this information is enough for me to navigate the mess that i put myself in with my ignorance.., as i am not finding any good therapist or a coach .., but now with all your videos , i am brave enough and trust myself to navigate my life ❤
Hey, I’m trying to get my life together, do you (or any of you guys) have any advice? Everything is just so hard and I’m finding out how many things are actually broken in myself because of the way I was raised 🥲 I really want to ge y y he’s four of the water
The most amazing feeling in life was the day when my inner shame lifted away and disappeared. It was after realizing my ex wife had leveraged my inner shame for years, added to it, amplified it, and made it her tool to control me. My inner shame returns at time, but I know what it is. This video is such an awesome talk on how shame works invisibly in some, and I wish this had been available 20 year ago when I was married.
I also was with a partner who contributed to and weaponized my personal shame to keep me down. So glad you had the same realization too! It’s awesome to see others overcome similar situations
Solzhenitsyn once said "The line between good and evil runs through the heart of every man." Nobody is inherently good or evil, or even fully good or evil at any point in their life.
"THERE ISN'T A PERSON YOU WOULDN'T LOVE IF YOU COULD READ THEIR STORY." Marjorie P. Hinkley A saying i‘ve always tried to take at heart but never before for my own story… THANK YOU HEIDI! You‘re videos and clear explantations help me with so many walls I hit in my journey so far… I appreciate your work very much!
One of my favorite sayings is "Life is not what you see, but the light you see it in". You can often choose to see things in a different light. That is empowering. I also really liked "The fact that we feel all that stuff is what connects us to other people". . . "I went to the mountain top looking for victory. But I found it in the valley, you can't take my joy from me". Michelle Shocked.
Wow, I’m 44 but yet learning so much from you. Recently been diagnosed with burnout, which I’ve now found is due to me hiding from shame and low self-esteem through creating a false «I’m better than all of you» identity which eventually made me break down. Really interesting and helpful videos Heidi - thank you
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability on here. I'm also going through a burnout and whilst the final straw was work pressures, it's uncovered a whole other issue of a shame bound identity that I've been trying to overcompensate for. I'm certain we will get through this by awareness of these wonderful teachings that Heidi puts out. Best wishes to you.
I am human like everybody else and I am not above having the same human needs and emotions as everybody else, nor is it shameful to have those needs and emotions. That is a realisation I really needed. Thank you Heidi.
Again, it is so hard to learn and understand these concepts when you were never loved by your caregivers...when they have no capacity of empathy, to understand and validate your feelings ever, it takes a hella long way to reach the point of self-love
05:24 "We cannot personal develop our way out of it. We cannot date our way out of it. We cannot succeed our way out of it." I love that! I mean I know it, I just haven't been doing it.
Heidi without your videos I would have never realized toxic shame has been dictation my life. For years I've been trying to address the symptoms but never the root cause. Thank you
I had no idea what any of this meant but I get it now. I get that it's all just in my head, the head that once belonged to a child. So when people love me for that ego self it's separate from me, and that's what feels so painful. I had no idea that I was doing that: escaping into the future that I would be better. I really do love myself, I just was so terrified of loving myself due to shame. I hated when the narcissists in my life would love bomb me and then destroy the ego self when I wasn't what they wanted. Then I would get self destructive. Thank you so very much! I had no idea what I was feeling. Thank you, thank you for your guidance!
you telling me to stop living in my magical fantasy world made me wanna petulantly huff like a child and reflexively say no. 😆 lmao. but maybe it really is time to let my little magical fantasy future go. who’s to say im not that cool future version of myself right now, and whats stopping me from just.. being that person right now? my fantasies were such a blanket of comfort, something i could always indulge in and escape off to when everything became overwhelming or sad. it’s such a conflicting feeling to have to let that go. letting reality set in is a sobering experience. those exact visions of my future will never truly exist. those exact versions of my future self will never truly exist. but it doesn’t mean that something just as, if not more, fulfilling is waiting for me around the corner, if only i can bring myself to the present and acknowledge and appreciate myself in my entirety, all aspects, fully and unconditionally. thanks heidi. some of these thoughts need time to seep in, but im glad i have this reality check. it’s alright to have visions of the future, i know, but i can’t let those visions fog up my present so heavily that i can’t take steps forward in any direction. it does a great disservice to present me. i just realised that now. let me not run towards a future that ill never be able to catch up to, and focus on how i exist in my environment in the present.
You have an amazing gift, Heidi. Your communication flows so evenly, smoothly and swiftly. The mystic Gurdjieff said that we needed to develop the ability to form a "long thought" (on our journey of "growing a Soul"). How you communicate reminded me of that. Also, your point of looking at ourselves as, in essence, no worse than AND no better than anyone else, as being the jumping off point of opening ourselves up to one day really loving ourselves (and others), reminded me of, many decades ago, when I was saying goodbye to a wonderful therapist who I had had the privilege of seeing for over 3 years (I was moving from Chicago to NYC). I was very young and very much into the idea of "awakening to a HIGHER level". She looked at me, with a warm smile on her face and said: "I don't want to rise to a higher level I want to BE where I am". Brings tears to my eyes; she was so lovely.
I love this explanation. I've been chasing better self-esteem for years, believing that can feel even better (than I did, than others do? than is normal?) but actually, self-compassion has lead me to a similar conclusion, that I can with kindness accept that at my core I'm ''normal''. Not ''just'' normal, but normal. I get it. I'm not exceptional, why would I be. But I'm not less than either. I love your videos. Keep them coming!
I think you made this video for me. Did you make it just for me? ;) incredible. I have been searching for years to get this kind of clarity. You are wonderfully well spoken and compassionate and honest. THANK YOU from the bottom of my (not inherently damaged) heart. ❤
You, your knowledge, your RUclips channel and your willingness to share what you know in a practical and accessible way are a gift to the planet, at least for me. Thank you. Words will never be enough to express how much of a help your videos are in my journey ❤
Magical thinking can also be a tool for seeing the possibility of moving beyond your self imposed limitations, to find the will that was lost in childhood, to believe something is possible even when it seems impossible from your current perspective, to become unstuck. A little bit of magic may be just what is needed, but as with all things it needs to be kept in balance.
Beautiful 😍 If we become the observer with curiosity then we will have good chance at changing the toxic shame. Even my patterning is not personal. In an other way you are saying we own our minds. And when we are separate from our minds we can change the patterns. Wow. That's what Advaita Vedanta says ❤😄🙏🏾
One thing which needs to stop is blame shaming if I did something wrong I'd apologize for it or let a person know I did not intend to upset or anger someone explain myself calmly . practicing roll playing helps those to know what to say but also in a way of explaining yourself without conflicting arguments that often happen .
What an amazing video, Heidi! I watched this while getting ready for work this morning. I felt lighter and more positive. I saved it and intend to watch this video again and again! Thank you! ❤
A very common thought that I have when watching your videos is “how dare you say something that is entirely true”. And I hope you recognize that as the compliment it’s meant as
Thank you for this video! I myself am currently addicted to fantasies and magical thinking always imagining I am better or worse than someone. Working on it :) If you can do a video on what "true self comes out" exactly is, that would help maybe look forward to a concrete goal and not this abstract concept.
terrific bravo. i would like to add that care and respect is a universal need and what the bad culture is trying to rip away by showing so many that are too much of a challenge....respect being a derivative of the latin 'to look at' the tv commercials are showing us everything that is not worthy of caring about or respecting.
I'm reading Healing the Shame that Binds You right now and omg, Heidi. Thank you so much for recommending this book. There's so much information here. I'm overwhelmingly impressed by how much work Bradshaw has invested. Amazing.
I appreciate the way that your chanel is centered around accountability, empathy and authenticity all three of which I value a lot! thanks for sharing us your knowledge
Wow, so many truths being spoken, and yet, I am only choosing one to comment. Yesterday, I caught myself thinking I am beyond the norm, and in the instances I am lucky enough to observe it, I utilize a personal phrase, to bring myself back to neutrality.
“Children’s wills often get broken when they have shame offloaded onto them by “adults” who need the children to behave a certain way in order for them - the “adults” - to stay regulated.” Wow. Have children, they say. It will make you happy, they say.
Hearing that my esteem is never going to heal through achievement or a relationship is honestly such a relief. It feels like a huge weight off of my shoulders to stop chasing those things and just be.
I'm still not sure how to develop self-neutrality. I understand logically that I'm not inherently worse or better than others, but the feeling of shame from being a loser and not having social skills in life are still here, despite me knowing what led to it.
My extension for putting bad behavior in deeper context is if they’ve been informed of their bad behavior, and they continue. Personality disorders exist, and those with it generally operate through manipulation. That isn’t to say having a personality disorder is a mark. People can manage their disorder while being generally or explicitly aware. I am flawed and I have worse days where I don’t like my behavior. But overall when I look at my scale of harm, and my capacity to stop on my own, and definitely if the other person expresses discomfort or disapproval, that’s how I don’t hold shame for my entire person. Those who have no yield despite overt protest, I wish all the shame on them because nothing else will motivate them to change.
Gonna be that guy here and point out that changing your attachment style or doing self work almost as a whole is doing away with a disagreeable aspect of the self. Unless the term change changed definitions....
Thank you for the video. Would you mind to give some references to the psychological literature that you read in order to find out which traumatic experiences might lead to which behaviour pattern? I would be extremely grateful for it since I have difficulties finding out what caused my own behaviors, and I cannot seem to find that much literature on attachment. Thank you.
So if i understood you right: every child becomes "broken" but dont know it until he becomes an adult, thats why they think " they are special" but actually they are not ?? Please i need some help
When I try to accept that I'm just like everyone else I remember all my abusers... And I refuse to say that I'm like them. Maybe it's some coping strategy idk... Upd: yeah you talk about this later in video but still... I don't wanna do it.. 😬I consider some people extremely bad and evil
If there are no evil people, then there are no good people either. Are you sure you believe this, Heidi? If we teach that neither good nor evil exists, why would anyone try to be good? After all, if you are saying good does not exist, why strive for it?
Haven't watched the vid yet.. I will, i will 😊but.. I have not seen any of ur vids in SO LONG.. that i forgot ur name.. Im sorry to say that but i was racking my likkle brain.. And then.. I needed to watch a few of ur vids that helped me before, and THERE U ARE ON MY FEED.. im so stoked.. Thank you.. For this vid, and every vid.. I know the universe sent u my way today cause i was desperate to recall ur channel name ❤❤❤❤❤
I think I came to Self neutrality on my own a few years ago. The term 'self love' alwayse made me cringe and seemed like a fairy tale. So I managed to get myself to a place where I no longer did 'self hate.' I gave myself the same respect that I would give a coworker or a stranger. Seemed like a good comprimise, but still haven't reached the next step yet.
Maybe the progress is so gradual that you don't realize that you are so much closer. And maybe think curiously about what the next step/phase actually is. (Or let's wait for Heidi to clear that out for us :) ).
I know what you mean. I would always/sometimes/alternately cringe at hearing a friend tell me I “deserved” something, if it were something like “a raise” or something that seemed merit based. But I’m learning to be “right-sized”… That schoolyard image was so powerful.
“Cringing is essentially a mechanism to deter us from behaving in ways that risk us losing status or gaining the negative judgement of others.” Somewhere along the way you decided that self-love was 'cringe' or a 'fairy-tale' (it is just a story not reality). Love is amazing. Loving others is a great thing to do but then why is loving yourself 'cringe'? Worth thinking about why you've come to describe self-love in such a manner. People suffer because of lack of love and then spread suffering onto others. If we could truly get the love that heals us even if it is from ourselves, everyone can end the cycle of suffering. ❤
I learned to stop gambling my self-worth and value on the outcome of any given situation. Afraid of making mistakes, or failure, embarrassment, or rejection of any kind. Shame led me to believe that my value was supposed to be earned, when instead it is generated internally. I don’t earn or lose value, I am value. I am worthy. That mindset shift changed everything for me. I no longer fear trying things or going for what I want because I’ve detached my worth from the outcome. My worth is always intact. That is the understanding that was the missing link to my journey to a secure lifestyle. Love your work Heidi. Thank you.
Wow. Yes. Everytime I go out to have fun and meet new people I feel like I'm a gross, awkward animal who is creepy for wanting to meet new people. New kid syndrome having moved 10 times in my life (2 highschools, 2 middle schools. Fairly hellish isolation and alienation). I'm in LA so yeah, people out here can be superficial, judgemental and cold but REGARDLESS of that, I need to ALWAYS know that I AM value, as you put it. No matter what.
Amazing. I found you through your self abandonment video. That video changed my life. And you brought a tear to my eye with the broken will part. It wasn't bad thing but you put what I was feeling into words. Keep up the good work 👍🏾
10:40 Become curious about our own emotional responses 13:20 Start applying the same type of reasoning to everybody else 16:51 Nobody is the exception to the aforementioned rule 19:59 Refuse to engage in magical thinking 22:13 Observe our emotional experiences without shaming ourselves for them
My dad told me he was going to break my will during whippings. That I would be a whore just like my mom. Your videos are helping me heal decades of pain and self-rejection and abhorrence. Thank you for making this free and accessible.
@@ladyofspa Very rarely. He recently lost his mother and seems to be going through some growth and attempted changes I leave the door open but am very quick to enforce a boundary and just hang up if needed. My 20s were an ode to my daddy issues but I married an amazing man/father and finally having the family lil Amber longed for is so healing. ❤️
@@elainehiggins713 Most of it. When he took me from my mom but then wanted off the hook, he sent me to live with his parents (@14yo). I got to experience a more mellow version of his parents and loved it so much my son is named after my grandad. It was tough but fair and predictable. I'm sure it's different than what he grew up with but it was just what I needed when I needed it. His parents are my heroes for loving me when I felt completely disposable.
One of my favorite parts of your channel is that you don't assume anyone has prior knowledge of the term or concept being discussed, AND that you're very up-front about providing your own definition, rather than some "official" one. I tend to get so caught up in what the "correct" or "official" definition of a concept is, I completely forget to actually apply it to my life. Thank you for your videos, please keep doing what you're doing!
Hey Heidi, My psychotherapist believes there is no good or bad behaviour: it's either open or protective. Protective definitely sounds more compassionate than "bad", so we'll treat ourselves and others with more compassion. I like this concept a lot.
This channel is truly the best thing I've discovered on YT. I find myself constantly revisiting the videos to journal and practice the ideas while you're explaining them. It is helping me going through some really hard moments right now in life. It always feels so difficult and gut wrenching whenever I start a video, but I always find so much clarity and feel the progress finishing it. I'm gonna keep coming back, probably on a daily basis, for a while. Thank you so much Heidi!
Damn I love your videos. It gives me so much hope. I’ve felt completely alone for so long until I found your video about people with c-ptsd lying, and then I was just so seen. I could never put that together, not quite, since my trauma wasn’t exactly typical. I was abandoned by my friends in the 4th grade and ignored to a degree that left me questioning my self worth. I’ve lived with those wounds for years. But now, I’m on my way to healing them. I’m worthy of friendship and love. I deserve friendship and love. I deserve to be listened to. Because no one doesn’t deserve that. I’m just like any of the other kids. Thank you so much for helping me give this compassion to myself. It’s so wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.
This is so helpful. I am bipolar 1 now in remission. I carry so much shame about what my parents and children suffered. I try to stay in the present, but when my thoughts wander to the past, I am filled with regret and shame. Thank you for offering this information.
The algorithm brought you to me and I've now been binging your videos. Along with Patrick Teahan, The Healthy Gamer RUclips channel and Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy), I feel like you are all my voices of reason within the healing of my CPTSD. Wish I had discovered you earlier, but I'm really appreciating catching up on your content now!
Since i recently found your channel, ive been binging your videos and this one is BAR NONE my favorite of all of them. Very inspiring and uplifting. Thanks so much for all you do. you're already proving a prominent role in my long-overdue healing journey.
Wow, another wonderful video so full of wisdom and insights. I have to say your genius shines, Heidi. And thank you. I just had a chat with my daughter this morning about being humble and apologizing to her friends about her part in a fracas the previous day at school. Her peer group got in to a dynamic where all their shame bound identities took over and denied all mistakes and accusations amongst each other, which turned ugly for her and her peer group. I picked her up from school yesterday and she broke down crying telling me about the day's bad events. Watching a bunch of shame bound identities all defend themselves at once against each other is not pretty. Today, some of her peer group reciprocated with humble apologies in response to hers, and one did not. It was a win for her, and a good lesson for her. Your lesson is so much richer and more detailed. I will watch this video many times to learn all your lessons here. Thank you again, Heidi.
This is outrageously therapeutic. I'm a grown man crying at a desk at work.
🙏😊💕
HEIDI! YOU'RE HELPING ME FIX MY LIFE SCARILY QUICKLY. Each video is another stepping stone! I could never tell you all you've helped me regain...
SAME!!! THIS IS A REVOLUTION FOR ME. It's a failure of our system that we do not teach this sort of thing to children outside of bullshit generic sentiments like "you are special! you belong!" Those don't help. I needed individualized and strong terms/descriptions that are SPECIFIC and ACTION oriented and Heidi provides just that. Personalized therapy is the next step for me but Heidi is SO incredibly helpful.
I am grateful for her ❤️
....I've been clicking through her videos to mark them with 👍🏻 in hopes that her content spreads to other people 🥹 just my tiny way of thanking her for what I am able to learn about myself...
yes heidi preibe, this information is enough for me to navigate the mess that i put myself in with my ignorance.., as i am not finding any good therapist or a coach .., but now with all your videos , i am brave enough and trust myself to navigate my life ❤
Hey, I’m trying to get my life together, do you (or any of you guys) have any advice? Everything is just so hard and I’m finding out how many things are actually broken in myself because of the way I was raised 🥲
I really want to ge y y he’s four of the water
The most amazing feeling in life was the day when my inner shame lifted away and disappeared. It was after realizing my ex wife had leveraged my inner shame for years, added to it, amplified it, and made it her tool to control me. My inner shame returns at time, but I know what it is. This video is such an awesome talk on how shame works invisibly in some, and I wish this had been available 20 year ago when I was married.
I also was with a partner who contributed to and weaponized my personal shame to keep me down. So glad you had the same realization too! It’s awesome to see others overcome similar situations
Me too ❤
How does it look like when your partner weaponizes your shame against you?
How to recognize it?
@@RadLobster420 Hand raised here too. She was a psychologist- ugh! A toxic one.
Solzhenitsyn once said "The line between good and evil runs through the heart of every man." Nobody is inherently good or evil, or even fully good or evil at any point in their life.
"THERE ISN'T A
PERSON YOU
WOULDN'T LOVE
IF YOU COULD READ THEIR
STORY."
Marjorie P. Hinkley
A saying i‘ve always tried to take at heart but never before for my own story…
THANK YOU HEIDI! You‘re videos and clear explantations help me with so many walls I hit in my journey so far… I appreciate your work very much!
One of my favorite sayings is "Life is not what you see, but the light you see it in". You can often choose to see things in a different light. That is empowering.
I also really liked "The fact that we feel all that stuff is what connects us to other people". . .
"I went to the mountain top looking for victory. But I found it in the valley, you can't take my joy from me". Michelle Shocked.
Wow, I’m 44 but yet learning so much from you. Recently been diagnosed with burnout, which I’ve now found is due to me hiding from shame and low self-esteem through creating a false «I’m better than all of you» identity which eventually made me break down. Really interesting and helpful videos Heidi - thank you
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability on here. I'm also going through a burnout and whilst the final straw was work pressures, it's uncovered a whole other issue of a shame bound identity that I've been trying to overcompensate for.
I'm certain we will get through this by awareness of these wonderful teachings that Heidi puts out. Best wishes to you.
Wow this is sooo relatable to my situation last year. I have so much shame at my core that I’ve been covering up for years
"There must be an explanation for whatever has been going on for you."
I am human like everybody else and I am not above having the same human needs and emotions as everybody else, nor is it shameful to have those needs and emotions. That is a realisation I really needed. Thank you Heidi.
Again, it is so hard to learn and understand these concepts when you were never loved by your caregivers...when they have no capacity of empathy, to understand and validate your feelings ever, it takes a hella long way to reach the point of self-love
05:24 "We cannot personal develop our way out of it. We cannot date our way out of it. We cannot succeed our way out of it." I love that! I mean I know it, I just haven't been doing it.
Heidi without your videos I would have never realized toxic shame has been dictation my life. For years I've been trying to address the symptoms but never the root cause. Thank you
Same here.
I had no idea what any of this meant but I get it now. I get that it's all just in my head, the head that once belonged to a child. So when people love me for that ego self it's separate from me, and that's what feels so painful. I had no idea that I was doing that: escaping into the future that I would be better. I really do love myself, I just was so terrified of loving myself due to shame. I hated when the narcissists in my life would love bomb me and then destroy the ego self when I wasn't what they wanted. Then I would get self destructive. Thank you so very much! I had no idea what I was feeling. Thank you, thank you for your guidance!
you telling me to stop living in my magical fantasy world made me wanna petulantly huff like a child and reflexively say no. 😆 lmao. but maybe it really is time to let my little magical fantasy future go. who’s to say im not that cool future version of myself right now, and whats stopping me from just.. being that person right now? my fantasies were such a blanket of comfort, something i could always indulge in and escape off to when everything became overwhelming or sad. it’s such a conflicting feeling to have to let that go. letting reality set in is a sobering experience. those exact visions of my future will never truly exist. those exact versions of my future self will never truly exist. but it doesn’t mean that something just as, if not more, fulfilling is waiting for me around the corner, if only i can bring myself to the present and acknowledge and appreciate myself in my entirety, all aspects, fully and unconditionally. thanks heidi. some of these thoughts need time to seep in, but im glad i have this reality check. it’s alright to have visions of the future, i know, but i can’t let those visions fog up my present so heavily that i can’t take steps forward in any direction. it does a great disservice to present me. i just realised that now. let me not run towards a future that ill never be able to catch up to, and focus on how i exist in my environment in the present.
You have an amazing gift, Heidi. Your communication flows so evenly, smoothly and swiftly. The mystic Gurdjieff said that we needed to develop the ability to form a "long thought" (on our journey of "growing a Soul"). How you communicate reminded me of that.
Also, your point of looking at ourselves as, in essence, no worse than AND no better than anyone else, as being the jumping off point of opening ourselves up to one day really loving ourselves (and others), reminded me of, many decades ago, when I was saying goodbye to a wonderful therapist who I had had the privilege of seeing for over 3 years (I was moving from Chicago to NYC). I was very young and very much into the idea of "awakening to a HIGHER level". She looked at me, with a warm smile on her face and said: "I don't want to rise to a higher level I want to BE where I am". Brings tears to my eyes; she was so lovely.
I love this explanation. I've been chasing better self-esteem for years, believing that can feel even better (than I did, than others do? than is normal?) but actually, self-compassion has lead me to a similar conclusion, that I can with kindness accept that at my core I'm ''normal''. Not ''just'' normal, but normal. I get it. I'm not exceptional, why would I be. But I'm not less than either. I love your videos. Keep them coming!
I think you made this video for me. Did you make it just for me? ;) incredible. I have been searching for years to get this kind of clarity. You are wonderfully well spoken and compassionate and honest. THANK YOU from the bottom of my (not inherently damaged) heart. ❤
You, your knowledge, your RUclips channel and your willingness to share what you know in a practical and accessible way are a gift to the planet, at least for me. Thank you. Words will never be enough to express how much of a help your videos are in my journey ❤
Heidi you are my Socrates. pls never stop doing what you do
Magical thinking can also be a tool for seeing the possibility of moving beyond your self imposed limitations, to find the will that was lost in childhood, to believe something is possible even when it seems impossible from your current perspective, to become unstuck. A little bit of magic may be just what is needed, but as with all things it needs to be kept in balance.
Beautiful 😍
If we become the observer with curiosity then we will have good chance at changing the toxic shame. Even my patterning is not personal. In an other way you are saying we own our minds. And when we are separate from our minds we can change the patterns. Wow. That's what Advaita Vedanta says ❤😄🙏🏾
This content has incredible value. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish my mother had had the luck to hear your explanations
One thing which needs to stop
is blame shaming if I did something wrong I'd apologize for it or let a person know I did not intend to upset or anger someone explain myself calmly .
practicing roll playing helps those to know what to say but also in a way of explaining yourself without conflicting arguments that often happen .
What an amazing video, Heidi! I watched this while getting ready for work this morning. I felt lighter and more positive. I saved it and intend to watch this video again and again! Thank you! ❤
This was amazing! Lots of riches and richness. Will be listening to it several times again. Thank you Heidi! You’ve helped me so much
A very common thought that I have when watching your videos is “how dare you say something that is entirely true”. And I hope you recognize that as the compliment it’s meant as
I love what you say about paying attention to being effective.
Thank you for this video! I myself am currently addicted to fantasies and magical thinking always imagining I am better or worse than someone. Working on it :)
If you can do a video on what "true self comes out" exactly is, that would help maybe look forward to a concrete goal and not this abstract concept.
This brought a breakthrough! Thank you! Keep doing the good work ❤
Wow!!! This video is ridiculously good! This has literally caused a paradigm shift for me! God bless you!!!
terrific bravo. i would like to add that care and respect is a universal need and what the bad culture is trying to rip away by showing so many that are too much of a challenge....respect being a derivative of the latin 'to look at' the tv commercials are showing us everything that is not worthy of caring about or respecting.
I'm reading Healing the Shame that Binds You right now and omg, Heidi. Thank you so much for recommending this book. There's so much information here. I'm overwhelmingly impressed by how much work Bradshaw has invested. Amazing.
Thank you for giving me the bridge to get from here to there.
This is gold
I appreciate the way that your chanel is centered around accountability, empathy and authenticity all three of which I value a lot! thanks for sharing us your knowledge
This is pure gold!
Bless you, Heidi, thanks for your guidance in starting the process of healing my inner child.
Heidi your messages are so clear and well conceived. Thank you so much for your work.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with us ny dear ❤ it is so clear and understandable 🙏
You are so good. Thank you for your direction. Your videos have been helping me grow into a more authentic person.
Wow, so many truths being spoken, and yet, I am only choosing one to comment. Yesterday, I caught myself thinking I am beyond the norm, and in the instances I am lucky enough to observe it, I utilize a personal phrase, to bring myself back to neutrality.
You should be a professor! You are so smart and amazing at teaching.
phenomenal. thank you for making this video. I'm going to try and practice self-neutrality now...
🤯🤯🤯 thank you for explaining the shame-bound identity!
“Children’s wills often get broken when they have shame offloaded onto them by “adults” who need the children to behave a certain way in order for them - the “adults” - to stay regulated.”
Wow. Have children, they say. It will make you happy, they say.
Heidi, can you please make a video on how to heal the shame of stepping into the capable-competent self/self actualization, please!!! 🙏
Hearing that my esteem is never going to heal through achievement or a relationship is honestly such a relief. It feels like a huge weight off of my shoulders to stop chasing those things and just be.
You have a wonderful look on your face. I'm not sure whether it is any different than other videos. I just know you look great!
Thst Was BRILLIANT!
Soo helpful...Thank You!
🌟🌈🙏🌈⭐
Wow, this is bringing up a lot of trauma I haven't processed in years. 😥
I'm still not sure how to develop self-neutrality.
I understand logically that I'm not inherently worse or better than others, but the feeling of shame from being a loser and not having social skills in life are still here, despite me knowing what led to it.
Thank you so much
Immense blessings to you for this.
Thank you! THIS was the piece of advice I needed, right at this moment x
Thankful to have found your channel
Narcissus adults won't blame themselves for the children's sake 😤
This is absolutely profound ❤
This is a deep spiritual talk❤
This is definitely helpful, but I would love to figure out the way to fix things . Struggling with taking responsibility. And staying committed.
My extension for putting bad behavior in deeper context is if they’ve been informed of their bad behavior, and they continue. Personality disorders exist, and those with it generally operate through manipulation. That isn’t to say having a personality disorder is a mark. People can manage their disorder while being generally or explicitly aware.
I am flawed and I have worse days where I don’t like my behavior. But overall when I look at my scale of harm, and my capacity to stop on my own, and definitely if the other person expresses discomfort or disapproval, that’s how I don’t hold shame for my entire person. Those who have no yield despite overt protest, I wish all the shame on them because nothing else will motivate them to change.
Thanks!
Gonna be that guy here and point out that changing your attachment style or doing self work almost as a whole is doing away with a disagreeable aspect of the self. Unless the term change changed definitions....
Thank you for the video.
Would you mind to give some references to the psychological literature that you read in order to find out which traumatic experiences might lead to which behaviour pattern? I would be extremely grateful for it since I have difficulties finding out what caused my own behaviors, and I cannot seem to find that much literature on attachment. Thank you.
thankful to have found this video! does anyone know if there’s a list anywhere of recommended readings related to this video?
Thank you so much.
2:55 "fake it until you make it"
Neturality is the first step😊
Can you do a quick video on the books you've read and loved over the last few years?
✅ interesting
Daaaaaang….you know me. 😮
This is it, enlightenment right here 💃🪩🕺
Thank you for another amazingly insightful video, Heidi. Love ya 🤍
ขอขอบคุณ
So if i understood you right: every child becomes "broken" but dont know it until he becomes an adult, thats why they think " they are special" but actually they are not ?? Please i need some help
Self neutrslity😊
Heidi, how do I be in presence
Holy shit
When I try to accept that I'm just like everyone else I remember all my abusers... And I refuse to say that I'm like them. Maybe it's some coping strategy idk...
Upd: yeah you talk about this later in video but still... I don't wanna do it.. 😬I consider some people extremely bad and evil
So, am I not as intelligent as I think I am?
If there are no evil people, then there are no good people either. Are you sure you believe this, Heidi? If we teach that neither good nor evil exists, why would anyone try to be good? After all, if you are saying good does not exist, why strive for it?
How do you observe your own shame but manipulate your own humility Priebe
You have beautifully verbalized a thought process that has helped me a lot on my own healing journey. 🫶💞
Haven't watched the vid yet.. I will, i will 😊but.. I have not seen any of ur vids in SO LONG.. that i forgot ur name.. Im sorry to say that but i was racking my likkle brain.. And then.. I needed to watch a few of ur vids that helped me before, and THERE U ARE ON MY FEED.. im so stoked.. Thank you.. For this vid, and every vid.. I know the universe sent u my way today cause i was desperate to recall ur channel name ❤❤❤❤❤
I think I came to Self neutrality on my own a few years ago. The term 'self love' alwayse made me cringe and seemed like a fairy tale. So I managed to get myself to a place where I no longer did 'self hate.' I gave myself the same respect that I would give a coworker or a stranger. Seemed like a good comprimise, but still haven't reached the next step yet.
Maybe the progress is so gradual that you don't realize that you are so much closer. And maybe think curiously about what the next step/phase actually is. (Or let's wait for Heidi to clear that out for us :) ).
I know what you mean. I would always/sometimes/alternately cringe at hearing a friend tell me I “deserved” something, if it were something like “a raise” or something that seemed merit based. But I’m learning to be “right-sized”… That schoolyard image was so powerful.
“Cringing is essentially a mechanism to deter us from behaving in ways that risk us losing status or gaining the negative judgement of others.”
Somewhere along the way you decided that self-love was 'cringe' or a 'fairy-tale' (it is just a story not reality). Love is amazing. Loving others is a great thing to do but then why is loving yourself 'cringe'? Worth thinking about why you've come to describe self-love in such a manner.
People suffer because of lack of love and then spread suffering onto others. If we could truly get the love that heals us even if it is from ourselves, everyone can end the cycle of suffering. ❤
Thanks!
I learned to stop gambling my self-worth and value on the outcome of any given situation. Afraid of making mistakes, or failure, embarrassment, or rejection of any kind. Shame led me to believe that my value was supposed to be earned, when instead it is generated internally. I don’t earn or lose value, I am value. I am worthy. That mindset shift changed everything for me.
I no longer fear trying things or going for what I want because I’ve detached my worth from the outcome. My worth is always intact. That is the understanding that was the missing link to my journey to a secure lifestyle.
Love your work Heidi. Thank you.
Wow. Yes. Everytime I go out to have fun and meet new people I feel like I'm a gross, awkward animal who is creepy for wanting to meet new people. New kid syndrome having moved 10 times in my life (2 highschools, 2 middle schools. Fairly hellish isolation and alienation).
I'm in LA so yeah, people out here can be superficial, judgemental and cold but REGARDLESS of that, I need to ALWAYS know that I AM value, as you put it. No matter what.
💪🏻 youve got this@@jaaaaaked
Thank you so much for this comment. I'm writing this down and sticking it above my bed.
@@Rachelllllll2024 ❤️
Amazing. I found you through your self abandonment video. That video changed my life. And you brought a tear to my eye with the broken will part. It wasn't bad thing but you put what I was feeling into words. Keep up the good work 👍🏾
She is sooo good and her breakdown of concepts is awesome
That broken will moment was vital. Appreciating this channel.
10:40 Become curious about our own emotional responses
13:20 Start applying the same type of reasoning to everybody else
16:51 Nobody is the exception to the aforementioned rule
19:59 Refuse to engage in magical thinking
22:13 Observe our emotional experiences without shaming ourselves for them
Heidi, you truly have a gift of communicating complex topics in a concise, logical, yet compassionate way. You are helping so many people! ❤️
My dad told me he was going to break my will during whippings. That I would be a whore just like my mom.
Your videos are helping me heal decades of pain and self-rejection and abhorrence. Thank you for making this free and accessible.
What the fuck...what a horrible man.
What!!! Do you speak to him?
@@ladyofspa Very rarely. He recently lost his mother and seems to be going through some growth and attempted changes
I leave the door open but am very quick to enforce a boundary and just hang up if needed. My 20s were an ode to my daddy issues but I married an amazing man/father and finally having the family lil Amber longed for is so healing. ❤️
Do you know his story?
@@elainehiggins713 Most of it. When he took me from my mom but then wanted off the hook, he sent me to live with his parents (@14yo). I got to experience a more mellow version of his parents and loved it so much my son is named after my grandad. It was tough but fair and predictable. I'm sure it's different than what he grew up with but it was just what I needed when I needed it. His parents are my heroes for loving me when I felt completely disposable.
One of my favorite parts of your channel is that you don't assume anyone has prior knowledge of the term or concept being discussed, AND that you're very up-front about providing your own definition, rather than some "official" one. I tend to get so caught up in what the "correct" or "official" definition of a concept is, I completely forget to actually apply it to my life.
Thank you for your videos, please keep doing what you're doing!
Hey Heidi,
My psychotherapist believes there is no good or bad behaviour: it's either open or protective. Protective definitely sounds more compassionate than "bad", so we'll treat ourselves and others with more compassion. I like this concept a lot.
Thank you. Very useful information from your psychotherapist to my opinion.
This channel is truly the best thing I've discovered on YT. I find myself constantly revisiting the videos to journal and practice the ideas while you're explaining them. It is helping me going through some really hard moments right now in life. It always feels so difficult and gut wrenching whenever I start a video, but I always find so much clarity and feel the progress finishing it. I'm gonna keep coming back, probably on a daily basis, for a while. Thank you so much Heidi!
"Love is at the root of understanding; Understanding is at the root of love" 🙌💯💗💫
Never in all my years have searching have I come across a goldmine of information such as this. Thank you so much Heidi you are saving lives. X
Damn I love your videos. It gives me so much hope. I’ve felt completely alone for so long until I found your video about people with c-ptsd lying, and then I was just so seen. I could never put that together, not quite, since my trauma wasn’t exactly typical. I was abandoned by my friends in the 4th grade and ignored to a degree that left me questioning my self worth. I’ve lived with those wounds for years. But now, I’m on my way to healing them.
I’m worthy of friendship and love. I deserve friendship and love. I deserve to be listened to. Because no one doesn’t deserve that. I’m just like any of the other kids.
Thank you so much for helping me give this compassion to myself. It’s so wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.
This is so helpful. I am bipolar 1 now in remission. I carry so much shame about what my parents and children suffered. I try to stay in the present, but when my thoughts wander to the past, I am filled with regret and shame. Thank you for offering this information.
The algorithm brought you to me and I've now been binging your videos. Along with Patrick Teahan, The Healthy Gamer RUclips channel and Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy), I feel like you are all my voices of reason within the healing of my CPTSD. Wish I had discovered you earlier, but I'm really appreciating catching up on your content now!
Since i recently found your channel, ive been binging your videos and this one is BAR NONE my favorite of all of them. Very inspiring and uplifting. Thanks so much for all you do. you're already proving a prominent role in my long-overdue healing journey.
Thanks!
Wow, another wonderful video so full of wisdom and insights. I have to say your genius shines, Heidi. And thank you. I just had a chat with my daughter this morning about being humble and apologizing to her friends about her part in a fracas the previous day at school. Her peer group got in to a dynamic where all their shame bound identities took over and denied all mistakes and accusations amongst each other, which turned ugly for her and her peer group. I picked her up from school yesterday and she broke down crying telling me about the day's bad events. Watching a bunch of shame bound identities all defend themselves at once against each other is not pretty. Today, some of her peer group reciprocated with humble apologies in response to hers, and one did not. It was a win for her, and a good lesson for her. Your lesson is so much richer and more detailed. I will watch this video many times to learn all your lessons here. Thank you again, Heidi.