SAME!!! THIS IS A REVOLUTION FOR ME. It's a failure of our system that we do not teach this sort of thing to children outside of bullshit generic sentiments like "you are special! you belong!" Those don't help. I needed individualized and strong terms/descriptions that are SPECIFIC and ACTION oriented and Heidi provides just that. Personalized therapy is the next step for me but Heidi is SO incredibly helpful. I am grateful for her ❤️
....I've been clicking through her videos to mark them with 👍🏻 in hopes that her content spreads to other people 🥹 just my tiny way of thanking her for what I am able to learn about myself...
yes heidi preibe, this information is enough for me to navigate the mess that i put myself in with my ignorance.., as i am not finding any good therapist or a coach .., but now with all your videos , i am brave enough and trust myself to navigate my life ❤
Hey, I’m trying to get my life together, do you (or any of you guys) have any advice? Everything is just so hard and I’m finding out how many things are actually broken in myself because of the way I was raised 🥲 I really want to ge y y he’s four of the water
Since i recently found your channel, ive been binging your videos and this one is BAR NONE my favorite of all of them. Very inspiring and uplifting. Thanks so much for all you do. you're already proving a prominent role in my long-overdue healing journey.
I learned to stop gambling my self-worth and value on the outcome of any given situation. Afraid of making mistakes, or failure, embarrassment, or rejection of any kind. Shame led me to believe that my value was supposed to be earned, when instead it is generated internally. I don’t earn or lose value, I am value. I am worthy. That mindset shift changed everything for me. I no longer fear trying things or going for what I want because I’ve detached my worth from the outcome. My worth is always intact. That is the understanding that was the missing link to my journey to a secure lifestyle. Love your work Heidi. Thank you.
Wow. Yes. Everytime I go out to have fun and meet new people I feel like I'm a gross, awkward animal who is creepy for wanting to meet new people. New kid syndrome having moved 10 times in my life (2 highschools, 2 middle schools. Fairly hellish isolation and alienation). I'm in LA so yeah, people out here can be superficial, judgemental and cold but REGARDLESS of that, I need to ALWAYS know that I AM value, as you put it. No matter what.
My dad told me he was going to break my will during whippings. That I would be a whore just like my mom. Your videos are helping me heal decades of pain and self-rejection and abhorrence. Thank you for making this free and accessible.
@@ladyofspa Very rarely. He recently lost his mother and seems to be going through some growth and attempted changes I leave the door open but am very quick to enforce a boundary and just hang up if needed. My 20s were an ode to my daddy issues but I married an amazing man/father and finally having the family lil Amber longed for is so healing. ❤️
@@elainehiggins713 Most of it. When he took me from my mom but then wanted off the hook, he sent me to live with his parents (@14yo). I got to experience a more mellow version of his parents and loved it so much my son is named after my grandad. It was tough but fair and predictable. I'm sure it's different than what he grew up with but it was just what I needed when I needed it. His parents are my heroes for loving me when I felt completely disposable.
05:24 "We cannot personal develop our way out of it. We cannot date our way out of it. We cannot succeed our way out of it." I love that! I mean I know it, I just haven't been doing it.
I have a little mantra when being around others/meeting them- " I'm as good as you, you're as good as me" this helps with feelings of social anxiety ( don't want to call it 'my' social anxiety,)
"THERE ISN'T A PERSON YOU WOULDN'T LOVE IF YOU COULD READ THEIR STORY." Marjorie P. Hinkley A saying i‘ve always tried to take at heart but never before for my own story… THANK YOU HEIDI! You‘re videos and clear explantations help me with so many walls I hit in my journey so far… I appreciate your work very much!
I've always loved this version of that sentiment: If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
This is so helpful. I am bipolar 1 now in remission. I carry so much shame about what my parents and children suffered. I try to stay in the present, but when my thoughts wander to the past, I am filled with regret and shame. Thank you for offering this information.
Through your self reflection and learning, have you learned that at least some of your diagnosed mental patterns are likely a result of early experiences? Self protection patterns learned in difficult situation in youth when you were too young to understand and navigate what was going on around you?
The most amazing feeling in life was the day when my inner shame lifted away and disappeared. It was after realizing my ex wife had leveraged my inner shame for years, added to it, amplified it, and made it her tool to control me. My inner shame returns at time, but I know what it is. This video is such an awesome talk on how shame works invisibly in some, and I wish this had been available 20 year ago when I was married.
I also was with a partner who contributed to and weaponized my personal shame to keep me down. So glad you had the same realization too! It’s awesome to see others overcome similar situations
@@sunnybadgr5073 sometimes they pick up on your self talk about things you do/don't do/feel, and then verbalize it back to you in the same way. because you're already used to hearing that inside your self, it is really easy then to accept it, because it just amplifies what you are used to hearing and feeling, and thus do not necessarily have full discernment about it to call bullshit on it.
Wow, I’m 44 but yet learning so much from you. Recently been diagnosed with burnout, which I’ve now found is due to me hiding from shame and low self-esteem through creating a false «I’m better than all of you» identity which eventually made me break down. Really interesting and helpful videos Heidi - thank you
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability on here. I'm also going through a burnout and whilst the final straw was work pressures, it's uncovered a whole other issue of a shame bound identity that I've been trying to overcompensate for. I'm certain we will get through this by awareness of these wonderful teachings that Heidi puts out. Best wishes to you.
I am human like everybody else and I am not above having the same human needs and emotions as everybody else, nor is it shameful to have those needs and emotions. That is a realisation I really needed. Thank you Heidi.
I think I came to Self neutrality on my own a few years ago. The term 'self love' alwayse made me cringe and seemed like a fairy tale. So I managed to get myself to a place where I no longer did 'self hate.' I gave myself the same respect that I would give a coworker or a stranger. Seemed like a good comprimise, but still haven't reached the next step yet.
Maybe the progress is so gradual that you don't realize that you are so much closer. And maybe think curiously about what the next step/phase actually is. (Or let's wait for Heidi to clear that out for us :) ).
I know what you mean. I would always/sometimes/alternately cringe at hearing a friend tell me I “deserved” something, if it were something like “a raise” or something that seemed merit based. But I’m learning to be “right-sized”… That schoolyard image was so powerful.
“Cringing is essentially a mechanism to deter us from behaving in ways that risk us losing status or gaining the negative judgement of others.” Somewhere along the way you decided that self-love was 'cringe' or a 'fairy-tale' (it is just a story not reality). Love is amazing. Loving others is a great thing to do but then why is loving yourself 'cringe'? Worth thinking about why you've come to describe self-love in such a manner. People suffer because of lack of love and then spread suffering onto others. If we could truly get the love that heals us even if it is from ourselves, everyone can end the cycle of suffering. ❤
Solzhenitsyn once said "The line between good and evil runs through the heart of every man." Nobody is inherently good or evil, or even fully good or evil at any point in their life.
you telling me to stop living in my magical fantasy world made me wanna petulantly huff like a child and reflexively say no. 😆 lmao. but maybe it really is time to let my little magical fantasy future go. who’s to say im not that cool future version of myself right now, and whats stopping me from just.. being that person right now? my fantasies were such a blanket of comfort, something i could always indulge in and escape off to when everything became overwhelming or sad. it’s such a conflicting feeling to have to let that go. letting reality set in is a sobering experience. those exact visions of my future will never truly exist. those exact versions of my future self will never truly exist. but it doesn’t mean that something just as, if not more, fulfilling is waiting for me around the corner, if only i can bring myself to the present and acknowledge and appreciate myself in my entirety, all aspects, fully and unconditionally. thanks heidi. some of these thoughts need time to seep in, but im glad i have this reality check. it’s alright to have visions of the future, i know, but i can’t let those visions fog up my present so heavily that i can’t take steps forward in any direction. it does a great disservice to present me. i just realised that now. let me not run towards a future that ill never be able to catch up to, and focus on how i exist in my environment in the present.
Again, it is so hard to learn and understand these concepts when you were never loved by your caregivers...when they have no capacity of empathy, to understand and validate your feelings ever, it takes a hella long way to reach the point of self-love
10:40 Become curious about our own emotional responses 13:20 Start applying the same type of reasoning to everybody else 16:51 Nobody is the exception to the aforementioned rule 19:59 Refuse to engage in magical thinking 22:13 Observe our emotional experiences without shaming ourselves for them
Heidi without your videos I would have never realized toxic shame has been dictation my life. For years I've been trying to address the symptoms but never the root cause. Thank you
One of my favorite sayings is "Life is not what you see, but the light you see it in". You can often choose to see things in a different light. That is empowering. I also really liked "The fact that we feel all that stuff is what connects us to other people". . . "I went to the mountain top looking for victory. But I found it in the valley, you can't take my joy from me". Michelle Shocked.
Hey Heidi, My psychotherapist believes there is no good or bad behaviour: it's either open or protective. Protective definitely sounds more compassionate than "bad", so we'll treat ourselves and others with more compassion. I like this concept a lot.
One of my favorite parts of your channel is that you don't assume anyone has prior knowledge of the term or concept being discussed, AND that you're very up-front about providing your own definition, rather than some "official" one. I tend to get so caught up in what the "correct" or "official" definition of a concept is, I completely forget to actually apply it to my life. Thank you for your videos, please keep doing what you're doing!
I had no idea what any of this meant but I get it now. I get that it's all just in my head, the head that once belonged to a child. So when people love me for that ego self it's separate from me, and that's what feels so painful. I had no idea that I was doing that: escaping into the future that I would be better. I really do love myself, I just was so terrified of loving myself due to shame. I hated when the narcissists in my life would love bomb me and then destroy the ego self when I wasn't what they wanted. Then I would get self destructive. Thank you so very much! I had no idea what I was feeling. Thank you, thank you for your guidance!
Amazing. I found you through your self abandonment video. That video changed my life. And you brought a tear to my eye with the broken will part. It wasn't bad thing but you put what I was feeling into words. Keep up the good work 👍🏾
This channel is truly the best thing I've discovered on YT. I find myself constantly revisiting the videos to journal and practice the ideas while you're explaining them. It is helping me going through some really hard moments right now in life. It always feels so difficult and gut wrenching whenever I start a video, but I always find so much clarity and feel the progress finishing it. I'm gonna keep coming back, probably on a daily basis, for a while. Thank you so much Heidi!
Damn I love your videos. It gives me so much hope. I’ve felt completely alone for so long until I found your video about people with c-ptsd lying, and then I was just so seen. I could never put that together, not quite, since my trauma wasn’t exactly typical. I was abandoned by my friends in the 4th grade and ignored to a degree that left me questioning my self worth. I’ve lived with those wounds for years. But now, I’m on my way to healing them. I’m worthy of friendship and love. I deserve friendship and love. I deserve to be listened to. Because no one doesn’t deserve that. I’m just like any of the other kids. Thank you so much for helping me give this compassion to myself. It’s so wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.
The algorithm brought you to me and I've now been binging your videos. Along with Patrick Teahan, The Healthy Gamer RUclips channel and Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy), I feel like you are all my voices of reason within the healing of my CPTSD. Wish I had discovered you earlier, but I'm really appreciating catching up on your content now!
I think you made this video for me. Did you make it just for me? ;) incredible. I have been searching for years to get this kind of clarity. You are wonderfully well spoken and compassionate and honest. THANK YOU from the bottom of my (not inherently damaged) heart. ❤
You have an amazing gift, Heidi. Your communication flows so evenly, smoothly and swiftly. The mystic Gurdjieff said that we needed to develop the ability to form a "long thought" (on our journey of "growing a Soul"). How you communicate reminded me of that. Also, your point of looking at ourselves as, in essence, no worse than AND no better than anyone else, as being the jumping off point of opening ourselves up to one day really loving ourselves (and others), reminded me of, many decades ago, when I was saying goodbye to a wonderful therapist who I had had the privilege of seeing for over 3 years (I was moving from Chicago to NYC). I was very young and very much into the idea of "awakening to a HIGHER level". She looked at me, with a warm smile on her face and said: "I don't want to rise to a higher level I want to BE where I am". Brings tears to my eyes; she was so lovely.
Needed to hear all this badly. Just wish I had found it a couple of months ago, but then my mistakes probably would have needed to be learned through negative experiences somehow. I can see that learning from our mistakes is a rich part of growing as a person, it's just really hard when those mistakes hurt ourselves and others. We wish we could take it back, but there is only one way. Say your sorry with genuine remorse, move on, and work through it.
I have experienced both self compensatory measures. I had a false sense of self and was super perfectionist growing up, but then my ego crashed through therapy, which wasn't a bad thing until years later when I was in a traumatic situation. I developed an "inner badness", "too cool to care", "nothing to lose so might as well go all out" persona. The last one was destructive, it impacted my career. The piece I was missing was this concept of self neutrality. I'm slowly coming to terms with the concept of being ordinary, but it is hard because it hurts to have been through a bunch of traumatic childhood and adult experiences but feel like other people are lucky and maybe got better initial circumstances. Lots of people go through trauma, though so it's not entirely logical to think that way. I wonder who I would be if I had gone through healthier family experiences early on.
I love this explanation. I've been chasing better self-esteem for years, believing that can feel even better (than I did, than others do? than is normal?) but actually, self-compassion has lead me to a similar conclusion, that I can with kindness accept that at my core I'm ''normal''. Not ''just'' normal, but normal. I get it. I'm not exceptional, why would I be. But I'm not less than either. I love your videos. Keep them coming!
Wow, another wonderful video so full of wisdom and insights. I have to say your genius shines, Heidi. And thank you. I just had a chat with my daughter this morning about being humble and apologizing to her friends about her part in a fracas the previous day at school. Her peer group got in to a dynamic where all their shame bound identities took over and denied all mistakes and accusations amongst each other, which turned ugly for her and her peer group. I picked her up from school yesterday and she broke down crying telling me about the day's bad events. Watching a bunch of shame bound identities all defend themselves at once against each other is not pretty. Today, some of her peer group reciprocated with humble apologies in response to hers, and one did not. It was a win for her, and a good lesson for her. Your lesson is so much richer and more detailed. I will watch this video many times to learn all your lessons here. Thank you again, Heidi.
I love this video. I have taken an approach that is similar in many ways. I have spent years obsessively learning about biology, psychology, and much more with the explicit intention of learning about myself and the world around me. This has largely been an attempt to understand myself objectively, to understand why I am who I am today, objectively. This desire for objective understanding of myself facilitates a certain kind of neutrality where I can investigate my perceived strengths and weaknesses without self-judgement. Self-judegement (either positive or negative) can be a stumbling block for actually getting to the core of how you tick. There is not always the need to place a value judgement on every observation about ourselves or everything else.
One thing which needs to stop is blame shaming if I did something wrong I'd apologize for it or let a person know I did not intend to upset or anger someone explain myself calmly . practicing roll playing helps those to know what to say but also in a way of explaining yourself without conflicting arguments that often happen .
“Children’s wills often get broken when they have shame offloaded onto them by “adults” who need the children to behave a certain way in order for them - the “adults” - to stay regulated.” Wow. Have children, they say. It will make you happy, they say.
The part about not believing that anyone is inherently bad is difficult for me when I have been exposed to malignant narcissists and psychopaths... some of which are just inherently bad and were neurologically wired that way.
That is very difficult. Or knowing that ok - they weren’t born bad, but that they chose to behave in ways that deliberately hurt others throughout their lives, is hard to accept and forgive.
@@sunbeam9222 I guess if they are a true psychopath you could argue they were - or at least born without any sense of empathy. But I think true psychopaths aren’t that common so a lot of bad people are likely to be more a result of temperament plus environment.
@@sunbeam9222 I'm not a clinician so I really can't know for sure. In retrospect it's unlikely that any of the people I've dealt with in my personal life were factor one psychopaths, they're rare. The great majority of people who display antisocial or antagonistic behaviors likely developed those from some type of trauma. They do exist though, there is evidence to support differences in brain structure and function. So my autistic ass can't literally assume that absolutely no one is inherently bad, because I don't believe that. I still find her content helpful regardless of my issue with that statement.
i needed that i am social blind i have always felt broken like i was missing pieces to be whole now i see better and have coped with a lot on my own but need so much more grow up to do
Beautiful 😍 If we become the observer with curiosity then we will have good chance at changing the toxic shame. Even my patterning is not personal. In an other way you are saying we own our minds. And when we are separate from our minds we can change the patterns. Wow. That's what Advaita Vedanta says ❤😄🙏🏾
I got to that state of mind after: - 7 years of psychoanalysis (current) - 5 years of previous analysis sporadically - 30 yers of zen practice, if all put together will be 2+ years of cushion time - 15+ years of Ayahuasca, LSA, iboga work 😅
You, your knowledge, your RUclips channel and your willingness to share what you know in a practical and accessible way are a gift to the planet, at least for me. Thank you. Words will never be enough to express how much of a help your videos are in my journey ❤
A very common thought that I have when watching your videos is “how dare you say something that is entirely true”. And I hope you recognize that as the compliment it’s meant as
Heidi thank you for explaining the absence of free will in a way that is not a turn off to others. Robert Sapolsky the neuroscientist gave me the gift of a neutral perspective over night by dispelling the idea of free will. They’re the same concept. But what was inspiring to me turns out to be a turn off for most others when I try to share. “Hey I’m not in control and neither are you!”
Heidi thank you so much I have been crying here on my own feeling the unintentional weight and suffering I have caused myself I hope that others can hear this from you too incredible!
Holy moly I've felt such shame for the way I behave and react sometimes and been feeling deep anxiety because of this but allowing myself to think I don't have to hyper self develop myself out of this gave me such relief and eased the anxiety in my chest. I may be crazy at times but I can still be endearing and worthy of love ❤️
What an amazing video, Heidi! I watched this while getting ready for work this morning. I felt lighter and more positive. I saved it and intend to watch this video again and again! Thank you! ❤
As Heidi Priebe talks, the natural tendency of the corners of her mouth to sketch a smile. The combination of the possibility of the adventure of life with gentleness.
Amazing content. I hope you continue with this type of content of more individual self-work, instead of relationships and attachment styles. I find these videos much more enlightening, helpful, and practical. “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.”
Magical thinking can also be a tool for seeing the possibility of moving beyond your self imposed limitations, to find the will that was lost in childhood, to believe something is possible even when it seems impossible from your current perspective, to become unstuck. A little bit of magic may be just what is needed, but as with all things it needs to be kept in balance.
Thank you so much Heidi for all you bring to your videos. I truly feel your care for us and your wish that everyone will be able to treat themselves with love and care ❤
Thank you so much for continuing to promote our self-nurture. I am a Master’s student in social work and your videos help me so much. You are my current professional role-model/templete and I hope one day we’re able to collaborate! 🙏🏾
That’s great! The self love concept always esemed blurry to me and this is actually doable. Especially helpful for me as a person who struggles with feeling either ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’, neutrality seems revolutionary!
Love & Understanding being key to healing is very interesting. In church, we've been studying love and understanding. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding." Proverbs 9:10 To understand God, we learn: "God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8) "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." "...the second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31 (Implying we should love ourselves; that we are worthy of love... and others are worthy of love & compassionate understanding too.)
I'm reading Healing the Shame that Binds You right now and omg, Heidi. Thank you so much for recommending this book. There's so much information here. I'm overwhelmingly impressed by how much work Bradshaw has invested. Amazing.
Another one of your insightful brilliant videos thanks so much ! I’ve gone the rout of self naturally for a while. It’s helpful but as you mentioned- growth is not linear…
terrific bravo. i would like to add that care and respect is a universal need and what the bad culture is trying to rip away by showing so many that are too much of a challenge....respect being a derivative of the latin 'to look at' the tv commercials are showing us everything that is not worthy of caring about or respecting.
I appreciate the way that your chanel is centered around accountability, empathy and authenticity all three of which I value a lot! thanks for sharing us your knowledge
This is really huge and right on time with the stage I have reached. This week I saw an old pattern about to get activated and was able to take a step back and just be curious in a gentle way, much like the scientist metaphor you reference.
I love your content, and this video was super helpful, but there’s one thing I struggle with which has come up for me while watching a number of your videos and I would be so grateful for a response 🙏 I’m not convinced we have “souls”, and I also struggle with the idea of an unchanging, authentic “self”. The more I try to identify what my true authentic self is, the more I start to think this is just a concept. How did you come to the conclusion that you have one? Thank you!
There is a quote in the Bible: Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. That young lady is what you have done! Super proud of you!! Thank you for your work and what you share. It is taking me to the next level- thank you!
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
This is outrageously therapeutic. I'm a grown man crying at a desk at work.
🙏😊💕
HEIDI! YOU'RE HELPING ME FIX MY LIFE SCARILY QUICKLY. Each video is another stepping stone! I could never tell you all you've helped me regain...
SAME!!! THIS IS A REVOLUTION FOR ME. It's a failure of our system that we do not teach this sort of thing to children outside of bullshit generic sentiments like "you are special! you belong!" Those don't help. I needed individualized and strong terms/descriptions that are SPECIFIC and ACTION oriented and Heidi provides just that. Personalized therapy is the next step for me but Heidi is SO incredibly helpful.
I am grateful for her ❤️
....I've been clicking through her videos to mark them with 👍🏻 in hopes that her content spreads to other people 🥹 just my tiny way of thanking her for what I am able to learn about myself...
yes heidi preibe, this information is enough for me to navigate the mess that i put myself in with my ignorance.., as i am not finding any good therapist or a coach .., but now with all your videos , i am brave enough and trust myself to navigate my life ❤
Hey, I’m trying to get my life together, do you (or any of you guys) have any advice? Everything is just so hard and I’m finding out how many things are actually broken in myself because of the way I was raised 🥲
I really want to ge y y he’s four of the water
Since i recently found your channel, ive been binging your videos and this one is BAR NONE my favorite of all of them. Very inspiring and uplifting. Thanks so much for all you do. you're already proving a prominent role in my long-overdue healing journey.
I learned to stop gambling my self-worth and value on the outcome of any given situation. Afraid of making mistakes, or failure, embarrassment, or rejection of any kind. Shame led me to believe that my value was supposed to be earned, when instead it is generated internally. I don’t earn or lose value, I am value. I am worthy. That mindset shift changed everything for me.
I no longer fear trying things or going for what I want because I’ve detached my worth from the outcome. My worth is always intact. That is the understanding that was the missing link to my journey to a secure lifestyle.
Love your work Heidi. Thank you.
Wow. Yes. Everytime I go out to have fun and meet new people I feel like I'm a gross, awkward animal who is creepy for wanting to meet new people. New kid syndrome having moved 10 times in my life (2 highschools, 2 middle schools. Fairly hellish isolation and alienation).
I'm in LA so yeah, people out here can be superficial, judgemental and cold but REGARDLESS of that, I need to ALWAYS know that I AM value, as you put it. No matter what.
💪🏻 youve got this@@jaaaaaked
Thank you so much for this comment. I'm writing this down and sticking it above my bed.
@@Rachelllllll2024 ❤️
My dad told me he was going to break my will during whippings. That I would be a whore just like my mom.
Your videos are helping me heal decades of pain and self-rejection and abhorrence. Thank you for making this free and accessible.
What the fuck...what a horrible man.
What!!! Do you speak to him?
@@ladyofspa Very rarely. He recently lost his mother and seems to be going through some growth and attempted changes
I leave the door open but am very quick to enforce a boundary and just hang up if needed. My 20s were an ode to my daddy issues but I married an amazing man/father and finally having the family lil Amber longed for is so healing. ❤️
Do you know his story?
@@elainehiggins713 Most of it. When he took me from my mom but then wanted off the hook, he sent me to live with his parents (@14yo). I got to experience a more mellow version of his parents and loved it so much my son is named after my grandad. It was tough but fair and predictable. I'm sure it's different than what he grew up with but it was just what I needed when I needed it. His parents are my heroes for loving me when I felt completely disposable.
"There must be an explanation for whatever has been going on for you."
05:24 "We cannot personal develop our way out of it. We cannot date our way out of it. We cannot succeed our way out of it." I love that! I mean I know it, I just haven't been doing it.
I have a little mantra when being around others/meeting them- " I'm as good as you, you're as good as me" this helps with feelings of social anxiety ( don't want to call it 'my' social anxiety,)
You’ve nailed healing on another level… you end up feeling good about yourself by seeing good in others 🌸
"THERE ISN'T A
PERSON YOU
WOULDN'T LOVE
IF YOU COULD READ THEIR
STORY."
Marjorie P. Hinkley
A saying i‘ve always tried to take at heart but never before for my own story…
THANK YOU HEIDI! You‘re videos and clear explantations help me with so many walls I hit in my journey so far… I appreciate your work very much!
I've always loved this version of that sentiment:
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
This is so helpful. I am bipolar 1 now in remission. I carry so much shame about what my parents and children suffered. I try to stay in the present, but when my thoughts wander to the past, I am filled with regret and shame. Thank you for offering this information.
Through your self reflection and learning, have you learned that at least some of your diagnosed mental patterns are likely a result of early experiences? Self protection patterns learned in difficult situation in youth when you were too young to understand and navigate what was going on around you?
The most amazing feeling in life was the day when my inner shame lifted away and disappeared. It was after realizing my ex wife had leveraged my inner shame for years, added to it, amplified it, and made it her tool to control me. My inner shame returns at time, but I know what it is. This video is such an awesome talk on how shame works invisibly in some, and I wish this had been available 20 year ago when I was married.
I also was with a partner who contributed to and weaponized my personal shame to keep me down. So glad you had the same realization too! It’s awesome to see others overcome similar situations
Me too ❤
How does it look like when your partner weaponizes your shame against you?
How to recognize it?
@@RadLobster420 Hand raised here too. She was a psychologist- ugh! A toxic one.
@@sunnybadgr5073 sometimes they pick up on your self talk about things you do/don't do/feel, and then verbalize it back to you in the same way. because you're already used to hearing that inside your self, it is really easy then to accept it, because it just amplifies what you are used to hearing and feeling, and thus do not necessarily have full discernment about it to call bullshit on it.
Heidi, you truly have a gift of communicating complex topics in a concise, logical, yet compassionate way. You are helping so many people! ❤️
Wow, I’m 44 but yet learning so much from you. Recently been diagnosed with burnout, which I’ve now found is due to me hiding from shame and low self-esteem through creating a false «I’m better than all of you» identity which eventually made me break down. Really interesting and helpful videos Heidi - thank you
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability on here. I'm also going through a burnout and whilst the final straw was work pressures, it's uncovered a whole other issue of a shame bound identity that I've been trying to overcompensate for.
I'm certain we will get through this by awareness of these wonderful teachings that Heidi puts out. Best wishes to you.
Wow this is sooo relatable to my situation last year. I have so much shame at my core that I’ve been covering up for years
I am human like everybody else and I am not above having the same human needs and emotions as everybody else, nor is it shameful to have those needs and emotions. That is a realisation I really needed. Thank you Heidi.
I think I came to Self neutrality on my own a few years ago. The term 'self love' alwayse made me cringe and seemed like a fairy tale. So I managed to get myself to a place where I no longer did 'self hate.' I gave myself the same respect that I would give a coworker or a stranger. Seemed like a good comprimise, but still haven't reached the next step yet.
Maybe the progress is so gradual that you don't realize that you are so much closer. And maybe think curiously about what the next step/phase actually is. (Or let's wait for Heidi to clear that out for us :) ).
I know what you mean. I would always/sometimes/alternately cringe at hearing a friend tell me I “deserved” something, if it were something like “a raise” or something that seemed merit based. But I’m learning to be “right-sized”… That schoolyard image was so powerful.
“Cringing is essentially a mechanism to deter us from behaving in ways that risk us losing status or gaining the negative judgement of others.”
Somewhere along the way you decided that self-love was 'cringe' or a 'fairy-tale' (it is just a story not reality). Love is amazing. Loving others is a great thing to do but then why is loving yourself 'cringe'? Worth thinking about why you've come to describe self-love in such a manner.
People suffer because of lack of love and then spread suffering onto others. If we could truly get the love that heals us even if it is from ourselves, everyone can end the cycle of suffering. ❤
Never in all my years have searching have I come across a goldmine of information such as this. Thank you so much Heidi you are saving lives. X
Solzhenitsyn once said "The line between good and evil runs through the heart of every man." Nobody is inherently good or evil, or even fully good or evil at any point in their life.
you telling me to stop living in my magical fantasy world made me wanna petulantly huff like a child and reflexively say no. 😆 lmao. but maybe it really is time to let my little magical fantasy future go. who’s to say im not that cool future version of myself right now, and whats stopping me from just.. being that person right now? my fantasies were such a blanket of comfort, something i could always indulge in and escape off to when everything became overwhelming or sad. it’s such a conflicting feeling to have to let that go. letting reality set in is a sobering experience. those exact visions of my future will never truly exist. those exact versions of my future self will never truly exist. but it doesn’t mean that something just as, if not more, fulfilling is waiting for me around the corner, if only i can bring myself to the present and acknowledge and appreciate myself in my entirety, all aspects, fully and unconditionally. thanks heidi. some of these thoughts need time to seep in, but im glad i have this reality check. it’s alright to have visions of the future, i know, but i can’t let those visions fog up my present so heavily that i can’t take steps forward in any direction. it does a great disservice to present me. i just realised that now. let me not run towards a future that ill never be able to catch up to, and focus on how i exist in my environment in the present.
Again, it is so hard to learn and understand these concepts when you were never loved by your caregivers...when they have no capacity of empathy, to understand and validate your feelings ever, it takes a hella long way to reach the point of self-love
10:40 Become curious about our own emotional responses
13:20 Start applying the same type of reasoning to everybody else
16:51 Nobody is the exception to the aforementioned rule
19:59 Refuse to engage in magical thinking
22:13 Observe our emotional experiences without shaming ourselves for them
Heidi without your videos I would have never realized toxic shame has been dictation my life. For years I've been trying to address the symptoms but never the root cause. Thank you
Same here.
"Love is at the root of understanding; Understanding is at the root of love" 🙌💯💗💫
One of my favorite sayings is "Life is not what you see, but the light you see it in". You can often choose to see things in a different light. That is empowering.
I also really liked "The fact that we feel all that stuff is what connects us to other people". . .
"I went to the mountain top looking for victory. But I found it in the valley, you can't take my joy from me". Michelle Shocked.
Hey Heidi,
My psychotherapist believes there is no good or bad behaviour: it's either open or protective. Protective definitely sounds more compassionate than "bad", so we'll treat ourselves and others with more compassion. I like this concept a lot.
Thank you. Very useful information from your psychotherapist to my opinion.
One of my favorite parts of your channel is that you don't assume anyone has prior knowledge of the term or concept being discussed, AND that you're very up-front about providing your own definition, rather than some "official" one. I tend to get so caught up in what the "correct" or "official" definition of a concept is, I completely forget to actually apply it to my life.
Thank you for your videos, please keep doing what you're doing!
“The ways in which you differ from others are a product of you experiences, not just the product of you magically receiving a bad broken soul”
I had no idea what any of this meant but I get it now. I get that it's all just in my head, the head that once belonged to a child. So when people love me for that ego self it's separate from me, and that's what feels so painful. I had no idea that I was doing that: escaping into the future that I would be better. I really do love myself, I just was so terrified of loving myself due to shame. I hated when the narcissists in my life would love bomb me and then destroy the ego self when I wasn't what they wanted. Then I would get self destructive. Thank you so very much! I had no idea what I was feeling. Thank you, thank you for your guidance!
Amazing. I found you through your self abandonment video. That video changed my life. And you brought a tear to my eye with the broken will part. It wasn't bad thing but you put what I was feeling into words. Keep up the good work 👍🏾
She is sooo good and her breakdown of concepts is awesome
That broken will moment was vital. Appreciating this channel.
Love is at the root of understanding, understanding is at the root of love. That literally gave me goosebumps, so powerful.
This channel is truly the best thing I've discovered on YT. I find myself constantly revisiting the videos to journal and practice the ideas while you're explaining them. It is helping me going through some really hard moments right now in life. It always feels so difficult and gut wrenching whenever I start a video, but I always find so much clarity and feel the progress finishing it. I'm gonna keep coming back, probably on a daily basis, for a while. Thank you so much Heidi!
Damn I love your videos. It gives me so much hope. I’ve felt completely alone for so long until I found your video about people with c-ptsd lying, and then I was just so seen. I could never put that together, not quite, since my trauma wasn’t exactly typical. I was abandoned by my friends in the 4th grade and ignored to a degree that left me questioning my self worth. I’ve lived with those wounds for years. But now, I’m on my way to healing them.
I’m worthy of friendship and love. I deserve friendship and love. I deserve to be listened to. Because no one doesn’t deserve that. I’m just like any of the other kids.
Thank you so much for helping me give this compassion to myself. It’s so wonderful. I can’t thank you enough.
The algorithm brought you to me and I've now been binging your videos. Along with Patrick Teahan, The Healthy Gamer RUclips channel and Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy), I feel like you are all my voices of reason within the healing of my CPTSD. Wish I had discovered you earlier, but I'm really appreciating catching up on your content now!
I think you made this video for me. Did you make it just for me? ;) incredible. I have been searching for years to get this kind of clarity. You are wonderfully well spoken and compassionate and honest. THANK YOU from the bottom of my (not inherently damaged) heart. ❤
You have an amazing gift, Heidi. Your communication flows so evenly, smoothly and swiftly. The mystic Gurdjieff said that we needed to develop the ability to form a "long thought" (on our journey of "growing a Soul"). How you communicate reminded me of that.
Also, your point of looking at ourselves as, in essence, no worse than AND no better than anyone else, as being the jumping off point of opening ourselves up to one day really loving ourselves (and others), reminded me of, many decades ago, when I was saying goodbye to a wonderful therapist who I had had the privilege of seeing for over 3 years (I was moving from Chicago to NYC). I was very young and very much into the idea of "awakening to a HIGHER level". She looked at me, with a warm smile on her face and said: "I don't want to rise to a higher level I want to BE where I am". Brings tears to my eyes; she was so lovely.
Needed to hear all this badly. Just wish I had found it a couple of months ago, but then my mistakes probably would have needed to be learned through negative experiences somehow. I can see that learning from our mistakes is a rich part of growing as a person, it's just really hard when those mistakes hurt ourselves and others. We wish we could take it back, but there is only one way. Say your sorry with genuine remorse, move on, and work through it.
I have experienced both self compensatory measures. I had a false sense of self and was super perfectionist growing up, but then my ego crashed through therapy, which wasn't a bad thing until years later when I was in a traumatic situation. I developed an "inner badness", "too cool to care", "nothing to lose so might as well go all out" persona. The last one was destructive, it impacted my career. The piece I was missing was this concept of self neutrality. I'm slowly coming to terms with the concept of being ordinary, but it is hard because it hurts to have been through a bunch of traumatic childhood and adult experiences but feel like other people are lucky and maybe got better initial circumstances. Lots of people go through trauma, though so it's not entirely logical to think that way. I wonder who I would be if I had gone through healthier family experiences early on.
I love this explanation. I've been chasing better self-esteem for years, believing that can feel even better (than I did, than others do? than is normal?) but actually, self-compassion has lead me to a similar conclusion, that I can with kindness accept that at my core I'm ''normal''. Not ''just'' normal, but normal. I get it. I'm not exceptional, why would I be. But I'm not less than either. I love your videos. Keep them coming!
Brilliant Heidi! I needed this. I struggle with healing my self-blame and regret. This is a perfect approach to acceptance of the self.
Wow, another wonderful video so full of wisdom and insights. I have to say your genius shines, Heidi. And thank you. I just had a chat with my daughter this morning about being humble and apologizing to her friends about her part in a fracas the previous day at school. Her peer group got in to a dynamic where all their shame bound identities took over and denied all mistakes and accusations amongst each other, which turned ugly for her and her peer group. I picked her up from school yesterday and she broke down crying telling me about the day's bad events. Watching a bunch of shame bound identities all defend themselves at once against each other is not pretty. Today, some of her peer group reciprocated with humble apologies in response to hers, and one did not. It was a win for her, and a good lesson for her. Your lesson is so much richer and more detailed. I will watch this video many times to learn all your lessons here. Thank you again, Heidi.
I wish i could send you back in time to spend time with my child self and tell him this!
I love this video. I have taken an approach that is similar in many ways. I have spent years obsessively learning about biology, psychology, and much more with the explicit intention of learning about myself and the world around me. This has largely been an attempt to understand myself objectively, to understand why I am who I am today, objectively. This desire for objective understanding of myself facilitates a certain kind of neutrality where I can investigate my perceived strengths and weaknesses without self-judgement. Self-judegement (either positive or negative) can be a stumbling block for actually getting to the core of how you tick. There is not always the need to place a value judgement on every observation about ourselves or everything else.
One thing which needs to stop
is blame shaming if I did something wrong I'd apologize for it or let a person know I did not intend to upset or anger someone explain myself calmly .
practicing roll playing helps those to know what to say but also in a way of explaining yourself without conflicting arguments that often happen .
“Children’s wills often get broken when they have shame offloaded onto them by “adults” who need the children to behave a certain way in order for them - the “adults” - to stay regulated.”
Wow. Have children, they say. It will make you happy, they say.
The part about not believing that anyone is inherently bad is difficult for me when I have been exposed to malignant narcissists and psychopaths... some of which are just inherently bad and were neurologically wired that way.
That is very difficult. Or knowing that ok - they weren’t born bad, but that they chose to behave in ways that deliberately hurt others throughout their lives, is hard to accept and forgive.
I'm curious how can you know they are inherently bas and wired that way?
@@sunbeam9222 I guess if they are a true psychopath you could argue they were - or at least born without any sense of empathy. But I think true psychopaths aren’t that common so a lot of bad people are likely to be more a result of temperament plus environment.
@@sunbeam9222 I'm not a clinician so I really can't know for sure. In retrospect it's unlikely that any of the people I've dealt with in my personal life were factor one psychopaths, they're rare. The great majority of people who display antisocial or antagonistic behaviors likely developed those from some type of trauma.
They do exist though, there is evidence to support differences in brain structure and function.
So my autistic ass can't literally assume that absolutely no one is inherently bad, because I don't believe that. I still find her content helpful regardless of my issue with that statement.
@@universaltruth2025 gotcha 👍
your whole channel is pure gold
i needed that
i am social blind
i have always felt broken like i was missing pieces to be whole
now i see better and have coped with a lot on my own
but need so much more grow up to do
Great video! Especially listening to emotions and staying in touch with it to get out of toxic shame.
Every day I get a video in my subscription digest that speaks incredibly specific to my life. Today was this video💜 I feel encouraged. Thank you :-)
Beautiful 😍
If we become the observer with curiosity then we will have good chance at changing the toxic shame. Even my patterning is not personal. In an other way you are saying we own our minds. And when we are separate from our minds we can change the patterns. Wow. That's what Advaita Vedanta says ❤😄🙏🏾
Pure gold Heidi. Profound. Thank you for sharing!!.. ❤
The work you put in worked out. You are successful, attractive, smart etc
this helps me, your comments help me process my thoughts. the video tips remind me of dbt dialectical behavior therapy, a bit of radical acceptance.
I got to that state of mind after:
- 7 years of psychoanalysis (current)
- 5 years of previous analysis sporadically
- 30 yers of zen practice, if all put together will be 2+ years of cushion time
- 15+ years of Ayahuasca, LSA, iboga work
😅
You, your knowledge, your RUclips channel and your willingness to share what you know in a practical and accessible way are a gift to the planet, at least for me. Thank you. Words will never be enough to express how much of a help your videos are in my journey ❤
A very common thought that I have when watching your videos is “how dare you say something that is entirely true”. And I hope you recognize that as the compliment it’s meant as
Heidi thank you for explaining the absence of free will in a way that is not a turn off to others. Robert Sapolsky the neuroscientist gave me the gift of a neutral perspective over night by dispelling the idea of free will. They’re the same concept. But what was inspiring to me turns out to be a turn off for most others when I try to share. “Hey I’m not in control and neither are you!”
Heidi thank you so much I have been crying here on my own feeling the unintentional weight and suffering I have caused myself I hope that others can hear this from you too incredible!
Holy moly I've felt such shame for the way I behave and react sometimes and been feeling deep anxiety because of this but allowing myself to think I don't have to hyper self develop myself out of this gave me such relief and eased the anxiety in my chest. I may be crazy at times but I can still be endearing and worthy of love ❤️
This content has incredible value. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish my mother had had the luck to hear your explanations
What an amazing video, Heidi! I watched this while getting ready for work this morning. I felt lighter and more positive. I saved it and intend to watch this video again and again! Thank you! ❤
This one's a keeper, packed with useful insights - I took notes almost every step of the way!
Would you mind sharing the notes? I’d soo appreciate it! (love infps btw 🤍)
Heidi you are my Socrates. pls never stop doing what you do
Wow!!! This video is ridiculously good! This has literally caused a paradigm shift for me! God bless you!!!
This was amazing! Lots of riches and richness. Will be listening to it several times again. Thank you Heidi! You’ve helped me so much
As Heidi Priebe talks, the natural tendency of the corners of her mouth to sketch a smile.
The combination of the possibility of the adventure of life with gentleness.
You’re on fire 🔥… your expression of your experience’s and responses are lighting me up!
Amazing content. I hope you continue with this type of content of more individual self-work, instead of relationships and attachment styles. I find these videos much more enlightening, helpful, and practical. “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.”
Connection is at the "root " of understanding and love
HIGHKEY, a deterministic perspective on life does SO MUCH for inspiring self-compassion and compassion for others
Magical thinking can also be a tool for seeing the possibility of moving beyond your self imposed limitations, to find the will that was lost in childhood, to believe something is possible even when it seems impossible from your current perspective, to become unstuck. A little bit of magic may be just what is needed, but as with all things it needs to be kept in balance.
Thank you so much Heidi for all you bring to your videos. I truly feel your care for us and your wish that everyone will be able to treat themselves with love and care ❤
Thank you so much for continuing to promote our self-nurture. I am a Master’s student in social work and your videos help me so much. You are my current professional role-model/templete and I hope one day we’re able to collaborate! 🙏🏾
This brought a breakthrough! Thank you! Keep doing the good work ❤
That’s great! The self love concept always esemed blurry to me and this is actually doable. Especially helpful for me as a person who struggles with feeling either ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’, neutrality seems revolutionary!
Bless you, Heidi, thanks for your guidance in starting the process of healing my inner child.
phenomenal. thank you for making this video. I'm going to try and practice self-neutrality now...
Love & Understanding being key to healing is very interesting. In church, we've been studying love and understanding. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding." Proverbs 9:10
To understand God, we learn: "God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8) "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."
"...the second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31
(Implying we should love ourselves; that we are worthy of love... and others are worthy of love & compassionate understanding too.)
I'm reading Healing the Shame that Binds You right now and omg, Heidi. Thank you so much for recommending this book. There's so much information here. I'm overwhelmingly impressed by how much work Bradshaw has invested. Amazing.
Heidi your messages are so clear and well conceived. Thank you so much for your work.
Thanks!
Another one of your insightful brilliant videos thanks so much ! I’ve gone the rout of self naturally for a while. It’s helpful but as you mentioned- growth is not linear…
This by far the most useful video for me I came across on RUclips. I appreciated it so much
Thank you for giving me the bridge to get from here to there.
Another very helpful video - thank you Heidi from the bottom of my heart.
This is gold
terrific bravo. i would like to add that care and respect is a universal need and what the bad culture is trying to rip away by showing so many that are too much of a challenge....respect being a derivative of the latin 'to look at' the tv commercials are showing us everything that is not worthy of caring about or respecting.
This was was very descriptive. Cried somewhat. Struck home. Well worth a re watch. Love for the work and the lady 💚
I appreciate the way that your chanel is centered around accountability, empathy and authenticity all three of which I value a lot! thanks for sharing us your knowledge
Fascinating. Very informative. Thanks for sharing. Much Blessings to you. 🙏 Lord-Jesus-Christ ✝c✝o✝m
Genius. I wish everyone would be open to watching and absorbing Heidi’s videos - the world would be a much better place.
This is really huge and right on time with the stage I have reached. This week I saw an old pattern about to get activated and was able to take a step back and just be curious in a gentle way, much like the scientist metaphor you reference.
Heidi I cannot thank you enought for these videos!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom with us ny dear ❤ it is so clear and understandable 🙏
I love your content, and this video was super helpful, but there’s one thing I struggle with which has come up for me while watching a number of your videos and I would be so grateful for a response 🙏
I’m not convinced we have “souls”, and I also struggle with the idea of an unchanging, authentic “self”. The more I try to identify what my true authentic self is, the more I start to think this is just a concept. How did you come to the conclusion that you have one? Thank you!
ขอขอบคุณ
You are so good. Thank you for your direction. Your videos have been helping me grow into a more authentic person.
Thst Was BRILLIANT!
Soo helpful...Thank You!
🌟🌈🙏🌈⭐
There is a quote in the Bible: Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
That young lady is what you have done! Super proud of you!!
Thank you for your work and what you share. It is taking me to the next level- thank you!
Excellent video - thank you!