Tonight I feel fortunate. And you there, if you are reading this you too are fortunate. We are fortunate our societal overseers takes pity on us. In gifting us this most amazing woman and her most essential counsel they demonstrate at least to me, thst we must matter. If you are like me you've been judged as lacking something important enough to get the DNOTS, aka "Wake Up Call" treatment. If, like me, your previous mode of being, shaped in and largely endorsed by the former societal order, only to discover that the old you has no place in this new, clearly improved one, dont fret. For you find yourself among other gods...the few, the 'lucky wise'. We will probably never be rich, and our influence modulated, but rest knowing that they thought better than to make martyrs of us. I address now the overseers: I implore you...spare no resource in your efforts to heal myself. For we are lost children in the wilderness.
This has been very helpful. I'm so broken and fucked up at the moment. I'm in that space you spoke about how we realise we can't go on they way we have been but don't know how to go on. I'm trusting the process....
I met all my ex boyfriends when i was putting on a show/front to be "the happy social person", mostly cause i was trying to get a promotion or a job and i had to show how good i was with people and i had to smile and lick my boss's boots. I can see why all my ex's approached me thinking i was very bubbly or a very expressive extroverted person. Im not, im actually quiet and calm and i don't like attention. It was all a front, im not a social butterfly. This comes from my family dynamics growing up. Even though everything was shitty at home, i always felt like i had to pretend to be happy and bubbly so other people wouldn't find out what was going on at home. At some point i just didn't know how to take the mask of. And the people i attracted weren't actually the people i wanted around me.
Masking is such a big issue, not just for neurodivergent people but most people, it takes courage to call it out. Also unfortunately marketing in society teaches us that (especially women) if we aren't "Bubbly" then we aren't "good enough" which is a total lie. The actually "bubbly" women are usually wrecks fyi. It is much better to be calm and stoic imo, even if it means offending more people, it will bring the right ones to you
@@talipurk5702 im a woman and trauma made me lose my natural bubbliness. So to say that "all bubbly women usually wrecks fyi" like its a fact is so unhelpful. Bubbly is just a mood/temperament. Now i am healing so i allow myself to feel joy in public even if people will judge me and label me as ''negatively bubbly''
@@talipurk5702 i disdain 'bubbly.' it is fake and anything fake is a lie. I have kids in school sports and when I interact with other parents I don't fein (high voiced) interest. They talk to each other like they are sooo excited to see each other. It's all a show that I see straight through. I don't participate in the fakeness, so, they don't flock to me the same way. I presume that I am saving myself from wasting my time of superficial relationships, but it's hard to feel left out as well. But, this is the life and childhood that I was plopped into...so be it. I'll play the role I was given
I’m a 70 year old Avoidant. Grateful for the skills and abilities I’ve been given, I always felt and perceived myself to be invincible, powerful and self reliant. Last year I had 2 nighttime seizures, and could not legally drive a car for 90 days in Utah. Coming face to face with my vulnerability, and listening to your podcasts, I’m now grappling through a dark night of my soul, opening myself up to feeling hurt when I’m offended, learning about boundaries, and all the rest. Thank you so much Heidi!
I think I need to listen to this a couple of times to fully take this all in. I am certain though there is a lot here that can be useful to me. My favorite Jung quote is: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
"Know thyself" is the most important command ever. Go inside yourself, face your truth there. The child knows everything. Parents can't hide anything from the child. Go and look for the fuck ups you had to endure at very early age, face them, accept them. Go deeper than you could even imagine because you know everything that happened because that's what made you YOU. Next step is to accept the mess and appreciate and love it as an integral part of your true self. That's where true self-love comes from. Find, accept, and love all the fragments.
There's a LOT here and this is my second time this week watching (this time, mostly listening) to this video. That Jung quote is also one of my favorites, and it always reminds me a bit of what an astrologer friend told me when I mentioned my skepticism to him...he said something to the effect of, that astrology "works" only to the precise extent an individual has not yet empowered themselves to direct their own life. I'm still not a total believer, but that made a lot of sense to me...and it reflects the idea that maybe astrology taps into what Jung called the collective unconscious.
This whole channel… I’ve been building it into my playlist, Heidi is so exceptional! Really loved hearing this thing about German cultural roots too, this is a big piece on one side of my family that I didn’t really know before. My grandmother was an adopted Jewish German baby right around World War II, and started getting into the understanding of generational trauma through the work of Gabor Matate, who also came from this era. Addiction, ADHD, trauma… So many things, overlap, that we never really knew, and still is not part of pop culture/science or general knowledge. Amazing to see humanity, waking up, and being a part of it during this time!
This lesson brought me to identifying and understanding a core wound that I think happened when I was very very young, that I have been trying to put my finger on my entire life. I discovered your videos about 3 weeks ago. I have grown more in the last 3 weeks in my attachment healing than I have with months of talk therapy in the past. I have learned new skills in regulating my feelings and thoughts back to a secure world experience when I do tend to lean back AP, and now understand ,and am daily using, such clearly explained cognitive tools to process negative feelings and regulate back to a neutral / positive space. I cannot put into words how truly _excellent_ you are in translating your academic research and (numerous?) degrees in psychology into bite sized, actionable lessons, that us regular ole non-experts can just "get." Thank you! Your work is literally saving lives and transforming the life experiences of thousands of people. Helluva a legacy and dent in the universe you are going to leave for so so many (me being one of them!)
At 32:05 the question is asked "if this experience were to last forever (The Dark Night of the Soul, where I see my flaws but don't know how to fix them), what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind?" The answer is to adopt this belief: You are enough just as you are, and you have power to learn and grow.
This, by far, has been my favorite undertaking of work you have shared. This is the type of work that people 100 years from now can reference on the internet and put to good use. Timeless.
This video has made me emotional. It expresses beautifully knowledge and feelings I have progressively started to have but haven't been able to address properly so far. I feel the repercussion of the shadow in my life, and in my relationship in particular, and I see and feel the pain, but despite that, I seem incapable to make true change. Nonetheless I think this video will help.
I asked my mom and learned that I used to spend up to 18 hours in nursery when my mom worked 18 hours on some days. My mom was always proud of me as self sufficient. As a 40 years old person, I feel broken. Trying to heal from fearful avoidant attachment style
I was/ am in love with a girl who grew up "self-sufficient" with a single mother. She makes everything so difficult. I am smashed to pieces by her. It's such a sad story 😢
I have a similar situation my mom said that id cry so much and shed just leave me to cry until i stopped now as a result my emotional expressions are subdued and when i express my discomfort to others and they don't fix their actions i feel incredibly bothered and enraged and then i become distant and cold sorta in hopes they will notice but they never do which is saddening and all i want is to connect im 20 and this feel unbearable and i only seem to run into these overwhelming feelings when trying to peruse deeper relationships
Today i caught myself self regulating through fantasy and getting increasingly distressed. Then i remmebered of one of your videos. You have saved me an enormous amount of stress, simple by putting into words the thought patters i just couldn’t make sense of. I think i will always be grateful for that ❤
Which of the videos did you find helpful in that? I have just started noticing how much I use fantasy to manage frustration, fear, and ambiguity. I used to think it was a perfectly healthy coping method till I also realized that when I make the feelings go away, my drive to address the situations that cause them to arise goes with it and now I just feel lost.
@@susanavieira9083 self-regulating through fantasy is a fascinating concept. I never realized how often I do that too. It’s a dissociative way of feeling better now by avoiding my current feelings. Is there a video that talks about this and potentially other self-regulating tools that are long-term not healthy?
I’m currently going through this right now. FA Broke up with me 18 months ago after three and a half years. I’m AP and Codependent with fear of abandonment and fear of being alone. Anxiety, shakes, etc. I continue to talk to me inner child and reassure him its ok and he is loved. I also call that codependent part of me: Codependent Joe. Every time a thought or codependent behavior shows up. I know that’s codependent Joe and not who I want to be, act or need. Ask for fortitude and love. It’s so awesome to know I’m not alone.
Your description of it as this depressive limbo is so correct. People get here after putting in some difficult work to explore themselves, and its really challenging to get to this place feeling like you’ve been putting in so much effort, but where you know what you’ve been doing won’t work but don’t quite know what does, yet. Hard to not feel hopeless. I’ve found that it’s not just one dark night, you move in and out of them as you do more and more work and discovery. I had forgotten that and finding this video helped me remember to push forward again, as I’d discovered another piece of reality that I’d been denying, and was feeling really down. Im one of the people you described who spent pretty much my whole life trying to make others like me so I could use them for emotional regulation. Realizing that my love and friendship came with strings attached was humbling and painful. AND realizing that I could not actually control what other people thought of me or how they treated me was disorienting and left me starting from scratch on what even motivates me or what I want from life or what happiness means. But there’s no way but forward, into the dark. The night is the darkest before the dawn.
I hit the same realization that my love was on strings, after breaking up with my first love. My entire life I had tried to be the " giver" in all of my relationships, only to find out I was only giving in order to get back. I felt horribly selfish and guilty for how I had treated everyone I've ever loved. The one consolation I had though was that most of the people I loved were also doing the same to me out of their insecure attachments as well, so at least we were in it together! 😅 I pray they find their healing too.
The depressive limbo you speak of. I have been doing a lot of journaling, meditation and self reflection. I am also finding triggers but as I become self aware its hard to deal with. I feel Im having a bit of a crisis. People pleasing and being nice has attracted friends and partners that use and manipulate me(i hate manipulators). But im clearly manipulating to get what I want. Whats depressing is living most of your life being a co pilot for your own plane. I'm not even sure I can handle the controls. Hope this make sense to someone.
I’ve done a lot of shadow work and came down to self loathing due to childhood emotional neglect. It’s the source of my Limerence and is so painful 😢. I am finally experiencing some healing.
"If you're going through a dark night of the soul, ask yourself: If this experience were to last forever, what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind?" - Michael Beckwith
I feel seen by this video, during the past year working on my insecure attachment style has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Like you mentioned in the video, I also chose to date someone similar to me which allowed me to see myself more clearly, and sitting with that feeling of discomfort and anxiety was very difficult. After being triggered so often I started to feel like I was losing myself, as of a few weeks ago we are no longer together and feel like I am finding myself again, except a shift has occurred and I know things will never be the same. It has overall been very rewarding, as I feel I am able to see people as more complex individuals, and love myself and others more authentically; the growing pains have been almost unbearable at times, but I knew deep down it was in fact growth. Thank you so much for the insightful content you provide, you have been an integral part of my healing journey this past year. You are incredibly gifted and very important to this world 💛 thank you.
I love you Heidi. You help me so so so so much with life, learning, healing, finding & understanding my inner self , emotions and more. I appreciate you. I also appreciate all you do in your channel. Thank you so much! God bless you 😘❤
It wasn't until I was close to a fearful avoidant I saw a lifelong pattern of avoidant behaviours and began to see why those might have developed. I was totally blind to it and then it was like someone just unlocked this part of my brain that registered how I'd gotten to where I was and that I was not this fiercely independent savant that needed no one. I was actually just a terrified lonely child hiding behind a front, constantly sabotaging any chance of a meaningful relationship through anger, rejection and mistrust.
My dark night was a few very dark dark years- leaving a relationship while pregnant and raising a baby alone triggered the initiation. Love to everyone, there really is integration on the other side ❤
Also left an 8 year relationship with a 7year old. Im still reconciling with the decision and finding my new path. I need help, but don't know where to start
I’m experiencing this now. I’ve been talking to a woman for a month long distance and I’ll be seeing her very soon. However she’s on holiday for a week and a half, we went from daily contact to barely any “she’s in Thailand living the dream” and this triggered something in me, the disconnect and change in pattern really hurt. I’ve just become aware of my anxious attachment style and how it’s effected my whole life. I’ve been in fight flight past 4-5 days and now I’m accepting what is. And feeling the depression. Things need to change. And it’s tough and painful but my god this was supposed to happen.
I have never heard such a cogent and compassionate explanation of the Dark Night that synthesizes how deeply the process of how we relate to others, and to ourselves, is called to profoundly change. You have offered a beautiful gift to us all with this sharing, Heidi! Blessings upon you and your journey of embodiment. ✨🙏✨
I want to be the first to comment. I already know it’s gonna be a good video. Your videos have been an instrumental part of my healing process along with therapy. Thank you so much. Such incredible insights
@@francespotter7697 oh thank you 🥺 a little back story: i actually wanted PrinceCharming for no reason (i might be watching Cinderella at that time) but it was already taken. And i didn't wanna be PrinceCharming1 so charmedprince it is 🤌🏽
Heidi, your videos have talked me back from the brink several times. And they keep on giving. this is the second time i have watched this one and i am surprised at how much more deeply it resonates this time. Thankyou
Going through this right now after having intense regret of ending a relationship a year ago. Once I heard she moved on it all came flooding back and I realised how a lot of my behaviours where from my shadow. It's really caused a shattering of my sense of self and left me depressed and destroyed. Lost the girl of my dreams, but I have to be grateful I've realised all this because of it. Supurb video articulating things I've been struggling to deal with. You're videos have been instrumental in me becoming the best I can be both for myself and others. I'll strive to never repeat the mistskes and cause the pain I did to her again because of your videos. Thankyou.
In order to work on yourself, you needed for her to move on. Good that she did that for herself and for you. Sometimes relationships suck big time, but nobody is moving on, so they keep sucking. Good luck in your next relationship.
As someone who uses intellectualization as a coping mechanism while overthinking, your videos really help me to gather my complex thoughts that otherwise give me headache. I just focus and process what you are saying because they are already the pieces I have been trying to put together. So very good organization of thought systems, you really deserve credit for it. thank you ❤️
Hey @heidi I’d like to acknowledge you are acting in good faith - yet you might actually unintentionally be causing some confusion here. I hope this comment brings food for thought for you - it is not a criticism. What you are describing in this video is barely a crisis of ego, not the soul. The original meaning of the expression “Dark night of the soul” belongs to John of the Cross, Spanish priest, mystic and saint (1542-1591). It is the name of the poem he wrote that has a deeply religious and spiritual meaning, I recommend you read it. He actually describes two nights of the soul, not just one. The nature of this phenomenon is different from what you are describing. You are merely describing an ego going though an identity crisis and getting to a more balanced ego as a result, while he is describing surrending the ego to God and uniting with God, which is a complete transfiguration, “metamorphosis”. It’s about giving up the identification itself altogether. To start on this path, when you notice you are feeling sad, or overwhelmed or angry or whatever it is, we need to start asking: Who is feeling sad? Going to the root cause, just to find there is no one there, just a pure infinite consciousness, awareness. Mystics and saints stop living life as egos (even not as balanced and “secure” ones), it’s not just about seeing both sides of the story instead of being neurotic and one-sided. It’s about becoming who we truly are. After all the brilliant psychological work you’ve done and helped other people do (and that was necessary, don’t get me wrong), you can take the next step understanding that the ego - in any shape or form - is destructive and responsible for all the suffering on this earth. Once we see it clearly, there is only one thing to do - take the vertical direction and desidentify from the ego as whole to start living as a soul - trusting the life force inside and outside us and seeing Reality as it is and that can’t be described with words, it IS a mystical experience.
This is not my first dark night experience, but the first that I've been more aware of what I am resisting. I have read a LOT of audiobooks on trauma resolution, inner child healing, attachment theory and coregulation. Although you didn't go super indepth on all of those, I feel like you encompassed the essence of what it means to undertake this journey. I've been trying to find a video of Byron Katie's "the work" but to be honest, this is so much more enriching. I've saved this one video to two of my public playlists as I'm trying to build up resources to share with others on this, as it's such important work. Only found you today and watched over 5 videos so far. Your ability to distil info is amazing, thank you.
I think this helps explain why I have been having many instances of uncontrolled fearful sobbing in the last few months since facing some inconvenient truths. Facing that I will need to build up the ability to take care of a bigger part of my own emotions, because a stoic and powerful person won't scoop them away when I am sexy / obedient / little enough, suuuucks! However when I have been living my life in pursuit of that fantasy, I missed a lot of chances to authentically relate to people and the present moment. I also massively underdeveloped my own self defenses and wouldn't allow myself to reach self-sufficiency in money or health, because then it would mean noone was ever coming.
The idea that my self sufficiency negates "saviours" being able to provide love and connection has been really challenging to confront. The irony is that my ability to self regulate and take care of my own needs has started to create a new sense of connection with my friends that I've never known before. It's a tough slog and I'm still largely depressed / disoriented, but I'm taking it day by day. I'm so glad you're working through what you need to as well. ❤
Confronting the energy we are projecting into the world by the disdain we have for others. Internalizing this concept requires ultimate humility and fearlessness.
Also, it's extremely helpful (at least for me) when you share how these ideas showed up in your own life. I imagine that is very vulnerable but it's also helpful to know a real lived example!
Sadly this is me . Over last 3 years lost my mum , diagnosed ASD and adhd at 47, lost my job / career , and my dad a few years before , and I’ve now lost who I thought or felt I was . Don’t know me , my anxiety is through the roof , can’t connect with wife or kids , all really tire me out But didn’t before . It’s a scary place , but I can’t leave as they need me , and I need them , as they have been my focus always . I need to somehow find what’s left of me
Wow, absolute gold Heidi. I am at this precise point in my life now, and at 59 yrs old, with a string of failed relationships behind me, it is a very scary place to be. Your vlog explains exactly what is going on. Thankfully, I have found a great therapist, and I am starting the journey, better late than never I suppose. Your wisdom and knowledge is remarkable, please keep sharing it with us, thank you❤
Yeah I'm 61 and occasionally feel like a retard for still needing to watch videos like this. I guess it all depends what you think life is for - most of us want it to be happy ever after but hey where did we get that idea from. Oh yeah the movies... 😅
I've been trying to get lost in the forest for awhile now. Glad you put a sign up, the way I read it it says, "Hi, if you are reading this, you are lost... Welcome." And I look around and just kind of go "Hum...." peacefully to myself. I think we are each lost in our own way, and only understand we are lost when we find ourselves and accept that we never knew where we were. Now I can start to rebuild. I think I'll see what's over that hill there.
Upper midwest German heritage myself and this struck a note with me as I have done this my whole life. "It is not OK to feel" "The most noble thing you can do was to suck up your own feelings, not put them on anyone else" Yup, that has been me!
18 months ago I entered "The Dark Night of the Soul" and now I can't help but wonder how things might have gone differently if I had been given such a clear explanation and the vocabulary at the beginning. It has definitely been very soothing to hear words put to my private inner experience and even more to hear that others have gone through the same things before me. That said, part of me thinks that having to stumble around in the dark without a map or a guide is a necessary step to becoming more comfortable with the dark, but I also started my journey supremely stubborn and self-indulgent so maybe being forced to feel lost for awhile was just a necessary prerequisite to being willing to seek help from others for me specifically. I should also say that I have not exited the night yet. I would say that I've entered the twilight of dawn to continue the metaphor. It's still dark and bitterly cold but I can see the shape of things more clearly now and I can see that its definitely brighter and more colorful to the east. I would love to hear more about what the rest of the journey is like. What does it feel like to be integrated and accepting with our shadow? Do we ever know that we aren't hiding more of ourselves in another dark place we've forgotten about? Or is the final state one of searching and vigilance for signs of those dark forgotten places?
Totally felt the having to stumble around in my own devices for a while to finally accept that this is where I’m at. Literally have been seeing all these resources for a while now, my phone evidently identifying my need, but have been in a bit of denial. But my shadow is definitely a sort of self absorbtion 😂 so I suppose that makes sense… 🥴
Weak /needy or existential void, vulnerable, weak needy, every day. Survival, owning emotions, joy, vulnerability, confronting our shadow. Reflextions, wants, desires, deep irony of shadow work, disorganization, a collapse. Impossible for you to go in as before. Repression, moralizing, a new moral code. Care, support and soothing. Attachment healing process, depression re attachment relationships during healing. See your own shadow. Who am I, get what I want, contribute to my own misery, confrontation of dark night of the story. No one is coming to save me. Opportunity, true nature of reality. Accept this unknown wilderness. What skills do I need! Dignity and humility. For the rest of our lives. Deep meaningful connections.
This video is kinda blowing my mind. I feel like I finally understand how projection works, in spite of throwing the term around for decades. Thank you! 🤯
This video popped up at the right time for me. I was experiencing a period of deep depression and not recognizing that it had to do with making some big changes in my life. I’ve used limerence so heavily to self-regulate since I was a small child left me with huge blinds spots about life and how I want to be a part of the world. That in addition to having parents who were weak on dealing with their own emotional regulation left me so vulnerable and scared trying to confront the truths of life and mortality. Through these times I’ve finally started being able to open up about my own emotionally needs and being able to see reality more clearly, and I do think it’s overall going to be for my greatest good! Thank you for helping me name a scary process id been going through somewhat alone. There’s no perfect person coming to save me from reality, but that’s ok, I can always be there for myself:) and it’s ok to be honest with friends and family about my needs and emotional wants and it doesn’t make me an inherently shameful or weak person. It makes me human. I’m learning to be the best human I can be! We are all chaotic children of a chaotic world and there’s some peace I’ve found in being able to see this more clearly.
The way that Heidi describes healing reminds me a lot of the steps in Celebrate Recovery. If you are looking for a group you should look into that one. I am in one and also following along with Heidi and they go so well together to help me finally heal myself from the inside out. ❤
I have been working on attachment healing this whole summer. It has been hard work, and I am exhausted. The last few days, I have been feeling depressed and I didn't understand why, I was happy about where I was going, the changes that I have been doing This video hit home to me. It was right on point with what was going on. At the beginning of the summer, when my boyfriend broke up with me, I turned to him, and I said I just couldn't go on like this. Something inside me had to change. Heidi, you have been my source of making that change. Thank you so much.
Exact same thing. I was already in crisis when he broke up with me and I couldn’t even fight him on the breakup. It was just, I’m unhappy and I can’t go on like this.
I share the same sentiments as you ladies. A few days ago, I just told myself to stop trying. Just stop “doing” where I feel it’s over extending of myself. lt will eventually consume us. It’s been a few days since I’ve succumb to this new realization, however I am beginning to show up and stand confidently as Self and for what it is that I Want & Desire! Keep at it ladies! You have watched this video which means You are already half way there! ❤👏🏾👌🏾
This is insane, but my attachment healing work started with exactly the same thing as yours: I happened to crash into a person who was so much like me that I finally started noticing my own shadow, as well as the cost of it being unrealized and unintegrated. And I agree, moral code collapse is vital for initiating real shadow work, as when the realization of your own delusions finally reaches your councious mind, there is no way you can get out of this situation without an innermost desire to explore further. Thank you for the video, it was extremely insightful to watch!
thanks heidi. at the age of 22 after years of struggling with limerence and emotional neglect as a child I am finally on a path to wholeness and becoming an active participant in my life. had the pleasure of meeting my shadow at various points throughout college. I don’t know what it is inside me that has allowed me to alchemize these situations into positive changes but I embrace it nonetheless. now the hard work begins!
You are very gifted with how well you present these very vulnerable and sensitive items. You unpack them in a way that I personally not only digest but say YES!YES!!! Thank you
I’ve been dealing with my shadow for a few years now and am learning how to accept reality just the way it is. Just because we may project our shadow onto others, remember that some people are just mean by their nature and it’s ok to weed out those who trigger your shadow and to learn to integrate your own at the same time.
I would absolutely LOVE to see a crossover video between you and Patrick Teahan. You two have come to be the like the "mom and dad" of reparenting work for myself and probably so many others.😅 You each deal with a similar issue but with different yet equally important perspectives on it. I hope a conversation between you guys happens one day, it would be wonderful!
That last question, if I can paraphrase as "if this is my reality forever what skills do I need to come to terms with it and live a fulfillung life", has me thunderstruck. I'm more and more conscious of it these past couple of years, but I've been struggling with it for most of my life. At 64 I still don't know. No wonder most of my life I've been stuck in a deep depression
It's a cool thing watching what humans continue to research & learn to further understand so things like medicine, science & psychiatry, etc., can continue to reach higher levels to help the future people can keep experiencing life with an insane amount of healthy connection and normalized knowledge. attachment theory is fairly new'ish at being explained and utilized in the psychiatry world. 64 is still a good number. I'm rootin' for ya.
I was in an orphanage until 6 months of age. By the time I was adopted, I had stopped crying. In my adoptive parents were unstable and emotionally neglectful. My feelings were unacceptable unless they were "positive". I have played this out in my adult relationships and am now just coming to terms with it.
How do you not have more subscribers? My counselor is the one who introduced me to your channel. About three months ago, I finally had to face myself and take accountability. I had absolutely no idea what anxious attachment was but I started feeling uncomfortable in my relationship which for the most part always felt amazing! I've read that we aren't forced facing our insecurities and attachment styles as much when we are single but rather when we are in relationships. I never knew how my trauma afflicted me but as difficult as this process is, I'm grateful that I'm finally being honest with myself and learning how to heal. Thank you for your amazing, insightful videos! 💓
Heidi, this has been one of the hardest summers of my life and I’m just now acknowledging that. Thank you for this video as I really needed to hear that no one is going to come and save me, I need to save myself. So much pain is coming up with that thought, and I am letting the tears flow and the pain be seen. Thank you as always
Wow I waded through the dark depths with no promise or foresight of a light at the end but finally after 6 years I made it through. I’m so thankful I finally was able to find resources of recovered stories online, especially in the last couple of years. It has never been my experience for any therapist to lay out the process so clearly. Just lots if confusion and immense uncertainty and loneliness. This was exactly my journey as described in this video and luckily I’m near the tail end and developed/developing a full spectrum somatic repertoire blended with articulation in my communicating needs. Finally realizing now I was actually more healed than I thought but took me a long time to realize my family would never understand me and I was surrounded by very limited people and I thought I was the crazy one (gaslighting me unconscious from their own repression). That poor environment altered me from anxious into fearful avoidance. Almost like having surgery on your soul in a dirty hospital…it fixed something but ended up with infections and complications. Cleaning is 50% of life. No matter how pure your heart it can always get a bit messy and just pick yourself up, tidy yourself, or your environment and you will get stronger.
This is by far one of the most helpful videos. I recommend writing everything down and taking days or weeks to digest the video and taking it slowly because it will stick better. Good luck everyone ^_^
Exactly the video I’ve been needing. I’ve been in this healing journey for a little over a year now, and lately been feeling like I’m in some existential crisis and grappling with a perceived loss of my identity. It feels like the old me is gone and the new me is in the beginning stages of existence, and I’m just a blob of energy trying to stitch myself back together again. The period of depression part really hit home as well. This transformation and stepping into secure attachment, while beautiful, can be so overwhelming, scary and lonely. Thank you for this encouraging and helpful video.
You are one of the teachers I found to help me learn and develop the skills to embrace the chaotic nature of life, as you say at the end of the video. Learning from your videos has helped me learn to walk a path where I have begun to feel peace in my body for the first time...ever, I think. Thank you.
My dark night began after a friendship with a narcissist culminated in their smear campaign. It was difficult and lasted several years. The ego is shattered and on the other side nothing is the same again. It is also hard to fit into society after something like this occurs.
I totally understand this. You have to reestablish an identity of what is real since what you thought was opposite of what it is, and no one else can see it
Heidi, I am indeed experiencing a dark night of the soul and thank all the powers that be that I found your video explaining what seems to be happening. I had a deep attachment to an extremely avoidant woman and I was anxiously attached to her. Last night came a break and I have severed contact with her. I won't go into the details except to say that all day today I have been trying to put into words the way in which she disappointed me despite my efforts to show her my own sincere intentions. Then, today while walking out to the mail box it hit me, I wanted to tell her how wrong she was to push me away when I had so much to give her and how much I had hoped to gain from our relationship. Then I realized that I was equally complicit in the breakdown of the relationship. I won't go into detail on it all but I do recognize that I was equally complicit. And now I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I think this is part of what I gleaned from your lecture. Thank you.
You are a universal treasure ❤ it doesn’t even matter what the title of the video is to me anymore. I simply trust that everything you put out there will be incredibly expanding and it always has been. I’m grateful for your existence ❤ this has to be one of my favorites and that is the hardest thing to say!
thank you, Heidi. I recently discovered your channel and it really came at the right time. It's been helping me like you have no idea. The healing process is extremely difficult, painful and yet I'm navigating through it with so much hope, one day at a time. To anyone out there who's going through the same, you're not alone. And know that you're doing the right thing for you, even when there are days where you feel completely discouraged, know that all this is worth it. Sending lots of love to anyone who needs to read this.
You just helped me with a breakthrough, Heidi. I was in the middle of the deep existential depression from seeing my shadow while coming to terms with the loss of my most recent relationship, which i’d seen as my final breaking point. I was seeing the flaws in my world view and it felt like all hope was lost and i was fighting the urge to end what i couldn’t make sense of. When you said that “To arrive here is a gift” I broke down into tears. It finally clicked into place what all of this pain had been leading up to. Thank you so much for your content Heidi. It’s truly guiding me through the darkest moments in my journey. 🙏 You’re a treasure.
I went thru this process about a year ago and it is a total bitter/sweet process! A marriage of 37 years was saved because of it. It all played out almost exactly the way you described here. Eckhart Tolle was a huge help, as well as your videos recently. I wish I had discovered your channel sooner. I have to say that all of my help, inspiration, and information has come to me in a good order and with good timing for me to receive it usefully. Example, I probably would not have been able to receive and process this video a year ago if it had been available then. Keep up the good work. Thanks!
Holy shit! My dark night is here and this video just shook my soul and I thank you so much. It is NOT a coincidence I saw this video today out of all days. So scared, yet so grateful.
The statement “Always be yourself unless you can be Batman… in which case be Batman” takes on a new perspective for me in regards to attachment healing. Either choose to stay where you are in your attachment style and learn to live with the pain of it or go through the pain of making the necessary changes and do the work to become something more that just yourself. I love you Heidi and all you do for each of us who are working on becoming better individuals so that we can be better partners for those who we associate with on all levels of our lives.
You have no idea how much your videos help as I embark on the journey of healing. Your ability to communicate and distill information into digestible, nonjudgmental clips are the reason I discovered my inner workings and sought out therapy. I just want to commend you and thank you for the work you put in to make this information available as well as compliment you on this ability and encourage you to continue. You’re a truly special stranger to a lot of people. Thank you.
You have put me on the path to healing on ALL LEVELS. Thank you for helping me understand things therapy didn’t even mention. I’ve made huge strides by taking on this attachment information and doing shadow work to face myself. The answer is consciously breaking generational curses that were handed down to me unconsciously. I choose to be healthy. I choose to be secure. I appreciate you.
31:00 this is where I think I have been for the past year or two. You articulated it so well for me to grasp. Not in the context of attachment, but in my own ability to navigate the world freely. I've seen and accepted my own shortcomings for a while, but not felt much hope in how to overcome them, and feel a lack of faith in myself and even say, medication and counseling. Not to mention all that tied into my growing age, and grieving the time and potential which I recognize and knew wasn't being optimally used in my state during my youth. I feel resentment for experiencing neglect from both of my parents, and what I also perceive as incompetence as well, people who maybe shouldn't have been parents, who didn't even seem to value being parents - but under that, maybe more-so it's just grief and anhedonia at the loss of an effective youth, and recognizing what I lack from that, which I would characterize as my shadow - it's made me feel shell-shocked. But I'm still trying, and there's a kernel that want's to rise out of this still that has never truly gone away.
You are describing my own past and present, and the same realizations of grieving the loss of the potential life I could not have due to cyclical intergenerational and societal trauma thrust upon me from birth, depriving me of self-awareness and close relationships by forcing me into withdrawal to the only place of safety available- my own mind, a rabbit warren of dim corridors, locked doors, and the restless spirits of the parts of myself that found the world unaccepting and unacceptable. That retreat left me largely divorced from my own body, needs, wants, motivations, and pleasure from life, an empty shell driven only by survival, self-protection, and vicarious satisfactions gained from people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and service to others. The few relationships I was able to form and maintain have been more precious than life itself, and the loss of my wife of 22 years, the only contentment I have ever known, followed by a very damaging 4 year relationship that also ended in loss, left me in a very dark place. The tools and insights I have gained from content creators like Heidi and several others (Schizoid Vision, Schizoid Angst, Memento Mori Alchemy Substack...) are helping me to explore my inner world, to interact with those disembodied parts of myself, and unlock those doors where the best parts have been imprisoned for their safekeeping- I have found the pain of each discovery to be the key that unlocks another door. Through writing I am beginning to reintegrate, taking baby steps between stumbles and falls in the dark- 9 months ago I could not have imagined posting this comment, now I am taking steps to begin publishing, an attempt to create Beauty, and healing, from this Darkness. Over 8 years ago I found myself in this Limbo and am only now at 56 finally beginning to process the lifetime of trauma I received as my birthright, with an unknown path still before me- some Nights are longer and darker than others, but I have developed my natural nightsight, the Twilight in my eyes showing me the beauty in the shadows. I was born for this, as were you. I hope this helps someone find the next step on their path through their own Dark Night of the Soul and encourages you to find beauty in the pain of each fall and each new discovery, and to keep getting up again to take the next cautious step. -Ronin Ravenquill
@@don-eb3fjthis is beautiful, i hope the best for you and your future. I am a 22 year old male... i have lived in serious pain and it has ended up brining me to a somewhat early awakening. The loneliness is almost unberable, but i deeply know that the life I want is on the other side.
@@hiperventilat8064 Thank you for your reply, it gives me a dose of much needed encouragement to know that I have produced something that another finds beauty and value in, and I do sincerely hope that something in it helps you on your way, even if only to remind you that you are not alone in your experience or uniquely broken. You are young and have tools and resources available that were not accessible in my youth, and your age group as a whole seems to be more self-aware in many ways than my Gen-X cohort were at your age, despite (or perhaps because of) the cold, shabby hand-me-down world you inherited (for my part, I am sorry it isn't better and am among those trying to help make it better). The love of my life walked in when I was 24, when I had abandoned hope and was at my lowest point yet- she was not what I had expected, but proved to be more than everything I had not allowed myself to hope for; our relationship provided the environment I needed to find hidden talents and energy to manifest them , and defined my life. Now, I am attempting to use that loss as the key to find new resources and talents to redefine myself and create a new life. The loneliness you speak of I know well, it is the echo of the voices of our shadow parts crying out and kicking against their cell doors, demanding liberation - answer the call, go find them and free yourself. I hope you will check out those resources I mentioned, even if they don't seem to apply to you or your situation you may find something useful that you were not expecting. My best to you in hopes you find a life of beauty and satisfaction waiting in the shadows.
German heritage here as well. I'm 67, an old family photo I have (110+ years old) has my maternal grandmother, her younger sister and her parents standing in a row, in front of their Wisconsin farmstead, each many feet apart from the other. It's winter, it looks so cold. My grandmother was tough, and very cold (and unkind) to my mother. My mother was on the one hand, an emotional rollercoaster, vulnerable-needy and at the same time had this rock solid core. In the first 3 months of my mother's life (she was 2 months premature) my grandmother first lost her younger sister in childbirth and then a couple weeks later her mother. I believe that that was a setup for a very tumultuous attachment, and it showed itself throughout their lives. My grandmother's older sister (the oldest, there were 4 boys in between) was a radiantly lovely lady (she died in 1970 at the age of 90). She lost her first three children at ages 3, 5 and 6. She lost her first husband when her 3 remaining children were still very young. She met a very kind man and he was with her nearly to the end. It's frightening to imagine what a totally vulnerable infant, small child experiences when encountering these powerful, deep, dark, even violent adult emotions in their (usually) mothers. What is this like, what is the adaptation going on in this wide open, totally vulnerable human creature.
I can see in your eyes that this topic is tough. Indeed as someone who lost my my parents and grandparents before 30, these topics are heavy. I can say you are a super brave soul for putting your knowledge out to share and teach. I’m grateful for you Heidi. What ever you may be handling I wish for it to go smoothly and be resolved. If your not handling anything tough and my instinct is off, then Yayyy that’s good. Onward and upward. Until your next video👋🏾🫶🏾
I'm so glad to have found you, Heidi. I'm trying to work on healing my attachment style. I'm always repressing my negative emotions and i've lived my life thinking that was completely normal. it wasn't until the lid on the box my negative emotions are kept in has threatened to burst open that I realized there was something there that needed to be exposed and worked through. I believe I have an avoidant attachment style. Your videos have helped me immensely! Now, I'm at a point of severe burn-out at my job and I want to change things but I'm scared to because I still feel like I don't really know what I want... what will make me truly happy. I will study your videos more and try to confront my inner self that I've hid. Thank you for being there for all of the people like me who needed to hear this.
I've recently realized I'm been an anxious attachment and I've been working hard on healing. It's jaw dropping how accurate this stuff is, it literally reads us like a book.
Love your reference to that Cheryl Strayed quote again! I remember you had mentioned it in your video about how healing really hurts, and it prompted me to read more of her work. I really liked her advice to be brave enough to break your own heart and step away from things that are not in alignment with your true self.
Thank you Heidi. I’m re-watching your videos and noticing my life change and change again every day over the last week as I work through your shadow work topic series. You are my most favorite person for attachment and healing lessons. ❤
I’ve been listening to videos on attachment theory. All styles. Trauma informed videos. All things to do with narcissistic personality disorder and you touch on all subjects better than anyone I have ever listened to. I can’t believe I recently just found you. Doing intense reprocessing in therapy for the last 6 months and it’s perfect timing because I understand it on a level I may not have before! Thank you for sharing all your insight! 🙏🏼😊
I found this video to be exactly where I am at. It is an overwhelming void of helplessness. Healing the anxious avoidant attachment wound is extremely hard to comprehend! And what is more difficult is finding the right help to do so.😞Please please make more videos about the anxious avoidant style and healing!
What the hell 🤯, you video s are getting deeply relatable, i watched your recent video and i said to myself if only she knew the dark night of the soul qnd here your are . Just WOW
wow, i’ve listen to thousands of videos like this at this point and you spoke so eloquently and do spot on about this topic in ways that hadn’t clicked for me before… incredible ❤
"Transactional Analysis" I am reading "I am OK, you're Ok" right now. it has been one of the most enlightening books I have ever read; puts words to intuitions that I have carried for several years.
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This woman's content is incredible in terms of it's depth range insight
also in organization, clarity, and importance
Tonight I feel fortunate. And you there, if you are reading this you too are fortunate. We are fortunate our societal overseers takes pity on us. In gifting us this most amazing woman and her most essential counsel they demonstrate at least to me, thst we must matter. If you are like me you've been judged as lacking something important enough to get the DNOTS, aka "Wake Up Call" treatment. If, like me, your previous mode of being, shaped in and largely endorsed by the former societal order, only to discover that the old you has no place in this new, clearly improved one, dont fret. For you find yourself among other gods...the few, the 'lucky wise'. We will probably never be rich, and our influence modulated, but rest knowing that they thought better than to make martyrs of us. I address now the overseers: I implore you...spare no resource in your efforts to heal myself. For we are lost children in the wilderness.
This has been very helpful. I'm so broken and fucked up at the moment. I'm in that space you spoke about how we realise we can't go on they way we have been but don't know how to go on. I'm trusting the process....
I met all my ex boyfriends when i was putting on a show/front to be "the happy social person", mostly cause i was trying to get a promotion or a job and i had to show how good i was with people and i had to smile and lick my boss's boots.
I can see why all my ex's approached me thinking i was very bubbly or a very expressive extroverted person.
Im not, im actually quiet and calm and i don't like attention. It was all a front, im not a social butterfly.
This comes from my family dynamics growing up. Even though everything was shitty at home, i always felt like i had to pretend to be happy and bubbly so other people wouldn't find out what was going on at home.
At some point i just didn't know how to take the mask of.
And the people i attracted weren't actually the people i wanted around me.
❤my life was like this until NOW,since LEARNING from Heidi, my life is WAY Better. Best wishes in your life too xx
Masking is such a big issue, not just for neurodivergent people but most people, it takes courage to call it out. Also unfortunately marketing in society teaches us that (especially women) if we aren't "Bubbly" then we aren't "good enough" which is a total lie. The actually "bubbly" women are usually wrecks fyi. It is much better to be calm and stoic imo, even if it means offending more people, it will bring the right ones to you
@@talipurk5702 im a woman and trauma made me lose my natural bubbliness. So to say that "all bubbly women usually wrecks fyi" like its a fact is so unhelpful. Bubbly is just a mood/temperament.
Now i am healing so i allow myself to feel joy in public even if people will judge me and label me as ''negatively bubbly''
Totally relate! Sending Blessings!
@@talipurk5702 i disdain 'bubbly.' it is fake and anything fake is a lie. I have kids in school sports and when I interact with other parents I don't fein (high voiced) interest. They talk to each other like they are sooo excited to see each other. It's all a show that I see straight through. I don't participate in the fakeness, so, they don't flock to me the same way. I presume that I am saving myself from wasting my time of superficial relationships, but it's hard to feel left out as well. But, this is the life and childhood that I was plopped into...so be it. I'll play the role I was given
I’m a 70 year old Avoidant. Grateful for the skills and abilities I’ve been given, I always felt and perceived myself to be invincible, powerful and self reliant. Last year I had 2 nighttime seizures, and could not legally drive a car for 90 days in Utah. Coming face to face with my vulnerability, and listening to your podcasts, I’m now grappling through a dark night of my soul, opening myself up to feeling hurt when I’m offended, learning about boundaries, and all the rest. Thank you so much Heidi!
😢❤
You’re doing such good work. So hopeful reading this.
I think I need to listen to this a couple of times to fully take this all in. I am certain though there is a lot here that can be useful to me.
My favorite Jung quote is: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
"Know thyself" is the most important command ever. Go inside yourself, face your truth there. The child knows everything. Parents can't hide anything from the child. Go and look for the fuck ups you had to endure at very early age, face them, accept them. Go deeper than you could even imagine because you know everything that happened because that's what made you YOU. Next step is to accept the mess and appreciate and love it as an integral part of your true self. That's where true self-love comes from. Find, accept, and love all the fragments.
There's a LOT here and this is my second time this week watching (this time, mostly listening) to this video. That Jung quote is also one of my favorites, and it always reminds me a bit of what an astrologer friend told me when I mentioned my skepticism to him...he said something to the effect of, that astrology "works" only to the precise extent an individual has not yet empowered themselves to direct their own life. I'm still not a total believer, but that made a lot of sense to me...and it reflects the idea that maybe astrology taps into what Jung called the collective unconscious.
🤯
Love Jung. And he is so right 👏👏
This whole channel… I’ve been building it into my playlist, Heidi is so exceptional! Really loved hearing this thing about German cultural roots too, this is a big piece on one side of my family that I didn’t really know before. My grandmother was an adopted Jewish German baby right around World War II, and started getting into the understanding of generational trauma through the work of Gabor Matate, who also came from this era. Addiction, ADHD, trauma… So many things, overlap, that we never really knew, and still is not part of pop culture/science or general knowledge. Amazing to see humanity, waking up, and being a part of it during this time!
This lesson brought me to identifying and understanding a core wound that I think happened when I was very very young, that I have been trying to put my finger on my entire life. I discovered your videos about 3 weeks ago. I have grown more in the last 3 weeks in my attachment healing than I have with months of talk therapy in the past. I have learned new skills in regulating my feelings and thoughts back to a secure world experience when I do tend to lean back AP, and now understand ,and am daily using, such clearly explained cognitive tools to process negative feelings and regulate back to a neutral / positive space. I cannot put into words how truly _excellent_ you are in translating your academic research and (numerous?) degrees in psychology into bite sized, actionable lessons, that us regular ole non-experts can just "get." Thank you! Your work is literally saving lives and transforming the life experiences of thousands of people. Helluva a legacy and dent in the universe you are going to leave for so so many (me being one of them!)
At 32:05 the question is asked "if this experience were to last forever (The Dark Night of the Soul, where I see my flaws but don't know how to fix them), what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind?" The answer is to adopt this belief: You are enough just as you are, and you have power to learn and grow.
Excellent 😮😅
This, by far, has been my favorite undertaking of work you have shared. This is the type of work that people 100 years from now can reference on the internet and put to good use. Timeless.
❤
Perfectly said
yep, exactly
This video has made me emotional. It expresses beautifully knowledge and feelings I have progressively started to have but haven't been able to address properly so far. I feel the repercussion of the shadow in my life, and in my relationship in particular, and I see and feel the pain, but despite that, I seem incapable to make true change. Nonetheless I think this video will help.
I asked my mom and learned that I used to spend up to 18 hours in nursery when my mom worked 18 hours on some days. My mom was always proud of me as self sufficient. As a 40 years old person, I feel broken. Trying to heal from fearful avoidant attachment style
This is so sad :( I feel for you.
I was/ am in love with a girl who grew up "self-sufficient" with a single mother. She makes everything so difficult. I am smashed to pieces by her. It's such a sad story 😢
I have a similar situation my mom said that id cry so much and shed just leave me to cry until i stopped now as a result my emotional expressions are subdued and when i express my discomfort to others and they don't fix their actions i feel incredibly bothered and enraged and then i become distant and cold sorta in hopes they will notice but they never do which is saddening and all i want is to connect im 20 and this feel unbearable and i only seem to run into these overwhelming feelings when trying to peruse deeper relationships
I understand 🤍
@@anthonycooper1602I understand 🤍
Today i caught myself self regulating through fantasy and getting increasingly distressed. Then i remmebered of one of your videos. You have saved me an enormous amount of stress, simple by putting into words the thought patters i just couldn’t make sense of. I think i will always be grateful for that ❤
Which of the videos did you find helpful in that?
I have just started noticing how much I use fantasy to manage frustration, fear, and ambiguity. I used to think it was a perfectly healthy coping method till I also realized that when I make the feelings go away, my drive to address the situations that cause them to arise goes with it and now I just feel lost.
Which video was that, please?
@@natiagogichaishvili3556most likely the one about limerence? It’s basically the act of daydreaming about another person we cannot have
I think her video on Limerance covers some of that. I don't think you can choose one that isn't helpful.
@@susanavieira9083 self-regulating through fantasy is a fascinating concept. I never realized how often I do that too.
It’s a dissociative way of feeling better now by avoiding my current feelings.
Is there a video that talks about this and potentially other self-regulating tools that are long-term not healthy?
I’m currently going through this right now. FA Broke up with me 18 months ago after three and a half years. I’m AP and Codependent with fear of abandonment and fear of being alone. Anxiety, shakes, etc. I continue to talk to me inner child and reassure him its ok and he is loved. I also call that codependent part of me: Codependent Joe. Every time a thought or codependent behavior shows up. I know that’s codependent Joe and not who I want to be, act or need. Ask for fortitude and love. It’s so awesome to know I’m not alone.
Read untethered soul by micheal singer
Your description of it as this depressive limbo is so correct. People get here after putting in some difficult work to explore themselves, and its really challenging to get to this place feeling like you’ve been putting in so much effort, but where you know what you’ve been doing won’t work but don’t quite know what does, yet. Hard to not feel hopeless.
I’ve found that it’s not just one dark night, you move in and out of them as you do more and more work and discovery. I had forgotten that and finding this video helped me remember to push forward again, as I’d discovered another piece of reality that I’d been denying, and was feeling really down.
Im one of the people you described who spent pretty much my whole life trying to make others like me so I could use them for emotional regulation. Realizing that my love and friendship came with strings attached was humbling and painful. AND realizing that I could not actually control what other people thought of me or how they treated me was disorienting and left me starting from scratch on what even motivates me or what I want from life or what happiness means.
But there’s no way but forward, into the dark. The night is the darkest before the dawn.
I hit the same realization that my love was on strings, after breaking up with my first love. My entire life I had tried to be the " giver" in all of my relationships, only to find out I was only giving in order to get back. I felt horribly selfish and guilty for how I had treated everyone I've ever loved.
The one consolation I had though was that most of the people I loved were also doing the same to me out of their insecure attachments as well, so at least we were in it together! 😅
I pray they find their healing too.
The depressive limbo you speak of. I have been doing a lot of journaling, meditation and self reflection. I am also finding triggers but as I become self aware its hard to deal with. I feel Im having a bit of a crisis. People pleasing and being nice has attracted friends and partners that use and manipulate me(i hate manipulators). But im clearly manipulating to get what I want. Whats depressing is living most of your life being a co pilot for your own plane. I'm not even sure I can handle the controls. Hope this make sense to someone.
Read untethered soul by micheal singer
I’ve done a lot of shadow work and came down to self loathing due to childhood emotional neglect. It’s the source of my Limerence and is so painful 😢. I am finally experiencing some healing.
"If you're going through a dark night of the soul, ask yourself: If this experience were to last forever, what quality would have to emerge for me to have peace of mind?" - Michael Beckwith
You're so brilliant omg
I feel seen by this video, during the past year working on my insecure attachment style has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Like you mentioned in the video, I also chose to date someone similar to me which allowed me to see myself more clearly, and sitting with that feeling of discomfort and anxiety was very difficult. After being triggered so often I started to feel like I was losing myself, as of a few weeks ago we are no longer together and feel like I am finding myself again, except a shift has occurred and I know things will never be the same. It has overall been very rewarding, as I feel I am able to see people as more complex individuals, and love myself and others more authentically; the growing pains have been almost unbearable at times, but I knew deep down it was in fact growth. Thank you so much for the insightful content you provide, you have been an integral part of my healing journey this past year. You are incredibly gifted and very important to this world 💛 thank you.
I think I am going through this right now
I’ve been calling it my caterpillar goo phase
I love you Heidi. You help me so so so so much with life, learning, healing, finding & understanding my inner self , emotions and more. I appreciate you. I also appreciate all you do in your channel. Thank you so much! God bless you 😘❤
It wasn't until I was close to a fearful avoidant I saw a lifelong pattern of avoidant behaviours and began to see why those might have developed.
I was totally blind to it and then it was like someone just unlocked this part of my brain that registered how I'd gotten to where I was and that I was not this fiercely independent savant that needed no one.
I was actually just a terrified lonely child hiding behind a front, constantly sabotaging any chance of a meaningful relationship through anger, rejection and mistrust.
My dark night was a few very dark dark years- leaving a relationship while pregnant and raising a baby alone triggered the initiation. Love to everyone, there really is integration on the other side ❤
How did you get through such a hardship?
I'm going through this now. I'm really scared
Also left an 8 year relationship with a 7year old. Im still reconciling with the decision and finding my new path. I need help, but don't know where to start
God I can't wait! 13 years deep, here...
I’m in the same boat 🛶 I have a 3.5 year old with a man who just died last march
I’m experiencing this now. I’ve been talking to a woman for a month long distance and I’ll be seeing her very soon. However she’s on holiday for a week and a half, we went from daily contact to barely any “she’s in Thailand living the dream” and this triggered something in me, the disconnect and change in pattern really hurt. I’ve just become aware of my anxious attachment style and how it’s effected my whole life. I’ve been in fight flight past 4-5 days and now I’m accepting what is. And feeling the depression. Things need to change. And it’s tough and painful but my god this was supposed to happen.
I have never heard such a cogent and compassionate explanation of the Dark Night that synthesizes how deeply the process of how we relate to others, and to ourselves, is called to profoundly change. You have offered a beautiful gift to us all with this sharing, Heidi! Blessings upon you and your journey of embodiment. ✨🙏✨
I want to be the first to comment. I already know it’s gonna be a good video. Your videos have been an instrumental part of my healing process along with therapy. Thank you so much. Such incredible insights
Giggle Compass. What a cute name/handle!!!
😅
I couldn't agree with you more. Thank you for leaving this comment.
@@charmedprince almost as cute as charmed prince 😂
@@francespotter7697 oh thank you 🥺 a little back story: i actually wanted PrinceCharming for no reason (i might be watching Cinderella at that time) but it was already taken. And i didn't wanna be PrinceCharming1 so charmedprince it is 🤌🏽
Heidi, your videos have talked me back from the brink several times. And they keep on giving. this is the second time i have watched this one and i am surprised at how much more deeply it resonates this time. Thankyou
Going through this right now after having intense regret of ending a relationship a year ago. Once I heard she moved on it all came flooding back and I realised how a lot of my behaviours where from my shadow. It's really caused a shattering of my sense of self and left me depressed and destroyed. Lost the girl of my dreams, but I have to be grateful I've realised all this because of it. Supurb video articulating things I've been struggling to deal with. You're videos have been instrumental in me becoming the best I can be both for myself and others. I'll strive to never repeat the mistskes and cause the pain I did to her again because of your videos. Thankyou.
In order to work on yourself, you needed for her to move on. Good that she did that for herself and for you. Sometimes relationships suck big time, but nobody is moving on, so they keep sucking.
Good luck in your next relationship.
11:00👌👌👌
17:05
12:25 She Cookin!
15:15 Transactional Analysis
16:35 The Shadow
20:25 The Opportunity
24:00 Denial
26:45 Irony
27:20 🏆🏆🏆
30:10 Depression
31:15 Acceptance
32:15 Summary
Integrating with my shadow my dark night of the soul and my attachment style both came hand-in-hand for me. Once I started there was no stopping it
As someone who uses intellectualization as a coping mechanism while overthinking, your videos really help me to gather my complex thoughts that otherwise give me headache. I just focus and process what you are saying because they are already the pieces I have been trying to put together. So very good organization of thought systems, you really deserve credit for it. thank you ❤️
Hey @heidi
I’d like to acknowledge you are acting in good faith - yet you might actually unintentionally be causing some confusion here. I hope this comment brings food for thought for you - it is not a criticism.
What you are describing in this video is barely a crisis of ego, not the soul.
The original meaning of the expression “Dark night of the soul” belongs to John of the Cross,
Spanish priest, mystic and saint (1542-1591). It is the name of the poem he wrote that has a deeply religious and spiritual meaning, I recommend you read it. He actually describes two nights of the soul, not just one. The nature of this phenomenon is different from what you are describing. You are merely describing an ego going though an identity crisis and getting to a more balanced ego as a result, while he is describing surrending the ego to God and uniting with God, which is a complete transfiguration, “metamorphosis”. It’s about giving up the identification itself altogether. To start on this path, when you notice you are feeling sad, or overwhelmed or angry or whatever it is, we need to start asking: Who is feeling sad? Going to the root cause, just to find there is no one there, just a pure infinite consciousness, awareness.
Mystics and saints stop living life as egos (even not as balanced and “secure” ones), it’s not just about seeing both sides of the story instead of being neurotic and one-sided. It’s about becoming who we truly are.
After all the brilliant psychological work you’ve done and helped other people do (and that was necessary, don’t get me wrong), you can take the next step understanding that the ego - in any shape or form - is destructive and responsible for all the suffering on this earth. Once we see it clearly, there is only one thing to do - take the vertical direction and desidentify from the ego as whole to start living as a soul - trusting the life force inside and outside us and seeing Reality as it is and that can’t be described with words, it IS a mystical experience.
This is not my first dark night experience, but the first that I've been more aware of what I am resisting. I have read a LOT of audiobooks on trauma resolution, inner child healing, attachment theory and coregulation. Although you didn't go super indepth on all of those, I feel like you encompassed the essence of what it means to undertake this journey. I've been trying to find a video of Byron Katie's "the work" but to be honest, this is so much more enriching. I've saved this one video to two of my public playlists as I'm trying to build up resources to share with others on this, as it's such important work. Only found you today and watched over 5 videos so far. Your ability to distil info is amazing, thank you.
Heidi Priebe’s videos always leave me like “oof😮💨🤌” like sis always be dropping the most wisdom😭😭
I think this helps explain why I have been having many instances of uncontrolled fearful sobbing in the last few months since facing some inconvenient truths. Facing that I will need to build up the ability to take care of a bigger part of my own emotions, because a stoic and powerful person won't scoop them away when I am sexy / obedient / little enough, suuuucks! However when I have been living my life in pursuit of that fantasy, I missed a lot of chances to authentically relate to people and the present moment. I also massively underdeveloped my own self defenses and wouldn't allow myself to reach self-sufficiency in money or health, because then it would mean noone was ever coming.
So relate to what you're saying! Last year was hell but it's slowly getting better. We'll get there!
Oof this hit so close to home..I hope we can become that person we’ve been looking for. Sending you strength and hugs stranger xx
Wow, same. 💔
Same here 😢
The idea that my self sufficiency negates "saviours" being able to provide love and connection has been really challenging to confront. The irony is that my ability to self regulate and take care of my own needs has started to create a new sense of connection with my friends that I've never known before. It's a tough slog and I'm still largely depressed / disoriented, but I'm taking it day by day.
I'm so glad you're working through what you need to as well. ❤
Confronting the energy we are projecting into the world by the disdain we have for others.
Internalizing this concept requires ultimate humility and fearlessness.
Yes and that isn’t easy 😢 xx
Very nuanced thinking delivered with stellar language skills.
Also, it's extremely helpful (at least for me) when you share how these ideas showed up in your own life. I imagine that is very vulnerable but it's also helpful to know a real lived example!
My therapist does this and it’s very helpful
Sadly this is me . Over last 3 years lost my mum , diagnosed ASD and adhd at 47, lost my job / career , and my dad a few years before , and I’ve now lost who I thought or felt I was . Don’t know me , my anxiety is through the roof , can’t connect with wife or kids , all really tire me out But didn’t before . It’s a scary place , but I can’t leave as they need me , and I need them , as they have been my focus always . I need to somehow find what’s left of me
Wow, absolute gold Heidi.
I am at this precise point in my life now, and at 59 yrs old, with a string of failed relationships behind me, it is a very scary place to be. Your vlog explains exactly what is going on. Thankfully, I have found a great therapist, and I am starting the journey, better late than never I suppose. Your wisdom and knowledge is remarkable, please keep sharing it with us, thank you❤
Yeah I'm 61 and occasionally feel like a retard for still needing to watch videos like this. I guess it all depends what you think life is for - most of us want it to be happy ever after but hey where did we get that idea from. Oh yeah the movies... 😅
I've been trying to get lost in the forest for awhile now. Glad you put a sign up, the way I read it it says, "Hi, if you are reading this, you are lost... Welcome." And I look around and just kind of go "Hum...." peacefully to myself.
I think we are each lost in our own way, and only understand we are lost when we find ourselves and accept that we never knew where we were. Now I can start to rebuild. I think I'll see what's over that hill there.
Upper midwest German heritage myself and this struck a note with me as I have done this my whole life. "It is not OK to feel" "The most noble thing you can do was to suck up your own feelings, not put them on anyone else" Yup, that has been me!
18 months ago I entered "The Dark Night of the Soul" and now I can't help but wonder how things might have gone differently if I had been given such a clear explanation and the vocabulary at the beginning. It has definitely been very soothing to hear words put to my private inner experience and even more to hear that others have gone through the same things before me.
That said, part of me thinks that having to stumble around in the dark without a map or a guide is a necessary step to becoming more comfortable with the dark, but I also started my journey supremely stubborn and self-indulgent so maybe being forced to feel lost for awhile was just a necessary prerequisite to being willing to seek help from others for me specifically.
I should also say that I have not exited the night yet. I would say that I've entered the twilight of dawn to continue the metaphor. It's still dark and bitterly cold but I can see the shape of things more clearly now and I can see that its definitely brighter and more colorful to the east.
I would love to hear more about what the rest of the journey is like. What does it feel like to be integrated and accepting with our shadow? Do we ever know that we aren't hiding more of ourselves in another dark place we've forgotten about? Or is the final state one of searching and vigilance for signs of those dark forgotten places?
You're very introspective and philosophical. A window into your mind. You ought to be a poet if you're not yet. :)
Totally felt the having to stumble around in my own devices for a while to finally accept that this is where I’m at. Literally have been seeing all these resources for a while now, my phone evidently identifying my need, but have been in a bit of denial. But my shadow is definitely a sort of self absorbtion 😂 so I suppose that makes sense… 🥴
I kinda feel the same...
How are you now? Sending lots of love and light. ❤🙏
Weak /needy or existential void, vulnerable, weak needy, every day. Survival, owning emotions, joy, vulnerability, confronting our shadow. Reflextions, wants, desires, deep irony of shadow work, disorganization, a collapse. Impossible for you to go in as before. Repression, moralizing, a new moral code. Care, support and soothing. Attachment healing process, depression re attachment relationships during healing. See your own shadow. Who am I, get what I want, contribute to my own misery, confrontation of dark night of the story. No one is coming to save me. Opportunity, true nature of reality. Accept this unknown wilderness. What skills do I need! Dignity and humility. For the rest of our lives. Deep meaningful connections.
This video is kinda blowing my mind. I feel like I finally understand how projection works, in spite of throwing the term around for decades. Thank you! 🤯
This video popped up at the right time for me. I was experiencing a period of deep depression and not recognizing that it had to do with making some big changes in my life. I’ve used limerence so heavily to self-regulate since I was a small child left me with huge blinds spots about life and how I want to be a part of the world. That in addition to having parents who were weak on dealing with their own emotional regulation left me so vulnerable and scared trying to confront the truths of life and mortality. Through these times I’ve finally started being able to open up about my own emotionally needs and being able to see reality more clearly, and I do think it’s overall going to be for my greatest good! Thank you for helping me name a scary process id been going through somewhat alone. There’s no perfect person coming to save me from reality, but that’s ok, I can always be there for myself:) and it’s ok to be honest with friends and family about my needs and emotional wants and it doesn’t make me an inherently shameful or weak person. It makes me human. I’m learning to be the best human I can be! We are all chaotic children of a chaotic world and there’s some peace I’ve found in being able to see this more clearly.
Four months into sobriety and on the verge of leaping into a conservative church, this might be the restraining hand I needed - thank you.
The way that Heidi describes healing reminds me a lot of the steps in Celebrate Recovery. If you are looking for a group you should look into that one. I am in one and also following along with Heidi and they go so well together to help me finally heal myself from the inside out. ❤
Stay away from church groups. It’s all about conforming to a religious ideal, not about dealing with what is authentic to you individually.
That fourth month fundamentalist trap is so real
Try a United Church of Christ! Super liberal churches with barely any doctrine and just a bunch of nice old people. At least the one I attend.
I have been working on attachment healing this whole summer. It has been hard work, and I am exhausted. The last few days, I have been feeling depressed and I didn't understand why, I was happy about where I was going, the changes that I have been doing This video hit home to me. It was right on point with what was going on. At the beginning of the summer, when my boyfriend broke up with me, I turned to him, and I said I just couldn't go on like this. Something inside me had to change. Heidi, you have been my source of making that change. Thank you so much.
Same Barbara, hang in there. You’ve got this
Exact same thing. I was already in crisis when he broke up with me and I couldn’t even fight him on the breakup. It was just, I’m unhappy and I can’t go on like this.
I share the same sentiments as you ladies. A few days ago, I just told myself to stop trying. Just stop “doing” where I feel it’s over extending of myself. lt will eventually consume us. It’s been a few days since I’ve succumb to this new realization, however I am beginning to show up and stand confidently as Self and for what it is that I Want & Desire! Keep at it ladies! You have watched this video which means You are already half way there! ❤👏🏾👌🏾
I cannot tell you how exciting this video is to watch
This is insane, but my attachment healing work started with exactly the same thing as yours: I happened to crash into a person who was so much like me that I finally started noticing my own shadow, as well as the cost of it being unrealized and unintegrated. And I agree, moral code collapse is vital for initiating real shadow work, as when the realization of your own delusions finally reaches your councious mind, there is no way you can get out of this situation without an innermost desire to explore further. Thank you for the video, it was extremely insightful to watch!
This is so incredibly intelligent. Thank you for the work you do ❤
thanks heidi. at the age of 22 after years of struggling with limerence and emotional neglect as a child I am finally on a path to wholeness and becoming an active participant in my life. had the pleasure of meeting my shadow at various points throughout college. I don’t know what it is inside me that has allowed me to alchemize these situations into positive changes but I embrace it nonetheless. now the hard work begins!
You are very gifted with how well you present these very vulnerable and sensitive items. You unpack them in a way that I personally not only digest but say YES!YES!!! Thank you
I would suggest that everyone is in a state of existential distress because we are living in a culture and in a world that is unraveling.
The perspective this video offers is profound! Thank you!
I’ve been dealing with my shadow for a few years now and am learning how to accept reality just the way it is. Just because we may project our shadow onto others, remember that some people are just mean by their nature and it’s ok to weed out those who trigger your shadow and to learn to integrate your own at the same time.
I would absolutely LOVE to see a crossover video between you and Patrick Teahan.
You two have come to be the like the "mom and dad" of reparenting work for myself and probably so many others.😅
You each deal with a similar issue but with different yet equally important perspectives on it.
I hope a conversation between you guys happens one day, it would be wonderful!
Same.
Omg, exactly the same for me 😂😂
That last question, if I can paraphrase as "if this is my reality forever what skills do I need to come to terms with it and live a fulfillung life", has me thunderstruck. I'm more and more conscious of it these past couple of years, but I've been struggling with it for most of my life. At 64 I still don't know. No wonder most of my life I've been stuck in a deep depression
It's a cool thing watching what humans continue to research & learn to further understand so things like medicine, science & psychiatry, etc., can continue to reach higher levels to help the future people can keep experiencing life with an insane amount of healthy connection and normalized knowledge.
attachment theory is fairly new'ish at being explained and utilized in the psychiatry world. 64 is still a good number. I'm rootin' for ya.
😢
I was in an orphanage until 6 months of age. By the time I was adopted, I had stopped crying. In my adoptive parents were unstable and emotionally neglectful. My feelings were unacceptable unless they were "positive". I have played this out in my adult relationships and am now just coming to terms with it.
Love that Cheryl Quote 😊❤
* internal screaming intensifies*
I'm in the depression phase. Whoohoo! ✊️ Thank you Jesus 🙌 Healing is coming❤️🩹
I'm right there with you. God is with us
Same
If only there was a laughing emoji! Very funny but yep all too real. Prayin' fer both of us 😅
How do you not have more subscribers? My counselor is the one who introduced me to your channel. About three months ago, I finally had to face myself and take accountability. I had absolutely no idea what anxious attachment was but I started feeling uncomfortable in my relationship which for the most part always felt amazing! I've read that we aren't forced facing our insecurities and attachment styles as much when we are single but rather when we are in relationships. I never knew how my trauma afflicted me but as difficult as this process is, I'm grateful that I'm finally being honest with myself and learning how to heal. Thank you for your amazing, insightful videos! 💓
My entire being is blown by this information. Thank you 🙏
Meaningful information as I heal through DNOTS. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to viewing your other videos.
Heidi, this has been one of the hardest summers of my life and I’m just now acknowledging that. Thank you for this video as I really needed to hear that no one is going to come and save me, I need to save myself. So much pain is coming up with that thought, and I am letting the tears flow and the pain be seen. Thank you as always
Wow I waded through the dark depths with no promise or foresight of a light at the end but finally after 6 years I made it through. I’m so thankful I finally was able to find resources of recovered stories online, especially in the last couple of years. It has never been my experience for any therapist to lay out the process so clearly. Just lots if confusion and immense uncertainty and loneliness. This was exactly my journey as described in this video and luckily I’m near the tail end and developed/developing a full spectrum somatic repertoire blended with articulation in my communicating needs. Finally realizing now I was actually more healed than I thought but took me a long time to realize my family would never understand me and I was surrounded by very limited people and I thought I was the crazy one (gaslighting me unconscious from their own repression). That poor environment altered me from anxious into fearful avoidance. Almost like having surgery on your soul in a dirty hospital…it fixed something but ended up with infections and complications. Cleaning is 50% of life. No matter how pure your heart it can always get a bit messy and just pick yourself up, tidy yourself, or your environment and you will get stronger.
This is by far one of the most helpful videos. I recommend writing everything down and taking days or weeks to digest the video and taking it slowly because it will stick better. Good luck everyone ^_^
Omg. I was just talking about how this discovery of attachment style felt like I was going through a dark night of the soul, again lol. Thank you
Exactly the video I’ve been needing. I’ve been in this healing journey for a little over a year now, and lately been feeling like I’m in some existential crisis and grappling with a perceived loss of my identity. It feels like the old me is gone and the new me is in the beginning stages of existence, and I’m just a blob of energy trying to stitch myself back together again. The period of depression part really hit home as well. This transformation and stepping into secure attachment, while beautiful, can be so overwhelming, scary and lonely. Thank you for this encouraging and helpful video.
You are one of the teachers I found to help me learn and develop the skills to embrace the chaotic nature of life, as you say at the end of the video. Learning from your videos has helped me learn to walk a path where I have begun to feel peace in my body for the first time...ever, I think. Thank you.
My dark night began after a friendship with a narcissist culminated in their smear campaign. It was difficult and lasted several years. The ego is shattered and on the other side nothing is the same again. It is also hard to fit into society after something like this occurs.
I totally understand this. You have to reestablish an identity of what is real since what you thought was opposite of what it is, and no one else can see it
Heidi, I am indeed experiencing a dark night of the soul and thank all the powers that be that I found your video explaining what seems to be happening. I had a deep attachment to an extremely avoidant woman and I was anxiously attached to her. Last night came a break and I have severed contact with her. I won't go into the details except to say that all day today I have been trying to put into words the way in which she disappointed me despite my efforts to show her my own sincere intentions. Then, today while walking out to the mail box it hit me, I wanted to tell her how wrong she was to push me away when I had so much to give her and how much I had hoped to gain from our relationship. Then I realized that I was equally complicit in the breakdown of the relationship. I won't go into detail on it all but I do recognize that I was equally complicit. And now I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I think this is part of what I gleaned from your lecture. Thank you.
Thank you. I’m here now. This was so validating. So helpful.
You are a universal treasure ❤ it doesn’t even matter what the title of the video is to me anymore. I simply trust that everything you put out there will be incredibly expanding and it always has been. I’m grateful for your existence ❤ this has to be one of my favorites and that is the hardest thing to say!
You are so wise, and the best resource I found for this stage of my journey-thank you so much!!!
thank you, Heidi. I recently discovered your channel and it really came at the right time. It's been helping me like you have no idea. The healing process is extremely difficult, painful and yet I'm navigating through it with so much hope, one day at a time. To anyone out there who's going through the same, you're not alone. And know that you're doing the right thing for you, even when there are days where you feel completely discouraged, know that all this is worth it. Sending lots of love to anyone who needs to read this.
You are making a big difference, Heidi
Thanks I’ve needed this video so much
Love this channel, so grateful and has been a major role in my healing
Wow… I’m going to rewatch this now and share my thoughts. This was divine that it came on my screen. It is exactly what I needed.
So many Aha moments. Much gratitude to you Heidi for making this freely available
You just helped me with a breakthrough, Heidi.
I was in the middle of the deep existential depression from seeing my shadow while coming to terms with the loss of my most recent relationship, which i’d seen as my final breaking point. I was seeing the flaws in my world view and it felt like all hope was lost and i was fighting the urge to end what i couldn’t make sense of. When you said that “To arrive here is a gift” I broke down into tears. It finally clicked into place what all of this pain had been leading up to. Thank you so much for your content Heidi. It’s truly guiding me through the darkest moments in my journey. 🙏 You’re a treasure.
I went thru this process about a year ago and it is a total bitter/sweet process! A marriage of 37 years was saved because of it. It all played out almost exactly the way you described here. Eckhart Tolle was a huge help, as well as your videos recently. I wish I had discovered your channel sooner. I have to say that all of my help, inspiration, and information has come to me in a good order and with good timing for me to receive it usefully. Example, I probably would not have been able to receive and process this video a year ago if it had been available then.
Keep up the good work. Thanks!
Holy shit! My dark night is here and this video just shook my soul and I thank you so much. It is NOT a coincidence I saw this video today out of all days. So scared, yet so grateful.
Love that ending! “And your inner children” 😊💜🙏🏽 as I’m doing inner child healing in Breathwork
The statement “Always be yourself unless you can be Batman… in which case be Batman” takes on a new perspective for me in regards to attachment healing. Either choose to stay where you are in your attachment style and learn to live with the pain of it or go through the pain of making the necessary changes and do the work to become something more that just yourself. I love you Heidi and all you do for each of us who are working on becoming better individuals so that we can be better partners for those who we associate with on all levels of our lives.
You have no idea how much your videos help as I embark on the journey of healing. Your ability to communicate and distill information into digestible, nonjudgmental clips are the reason I discovered my inner workings and sought out therapy. I just want to commend you and thank you for the work you put in to make this information available as well as compliment you on this ability and encourage you to continue. You’re a truly special stranger to a lot of people. Thank you.
You have put me on the path to healing on ALL LEVELS. Thank you for helping me understand things therapy didn’t even mention. I’ve made huge strides by taking on this attachment information and doing shadow work to face myself. The answer is consciously breaking generational curses that were handed down to me unconsciously. I choose to be healthy. I choose to be secure. I appreciate you.
31:00 this is where I think I have been for the past year or two. You articulated it so well for me to grasp. Not in the context of attachment, but in my own ability to navigate the world freely. I've seen and accepted my own shortcomings for a while, but not felt much hope in how to overcome them, and feel a lack of faith in myself and even say, medication and counseling. Not to mention all that tied into my growing age, and grieving the time and potential which I recognize and knew wasn't being optimally used in my state during my youth. I feel resentment for experiencing neglect from both of my parents, and what I also perceive as incompetence as well, people who maybe shouldn't have been parents, who didn't even seem to value being parents - but under that, maybe more-so it's just grief and anhedonia at the loss of an effective youth, and recognizing what I lack from that, which I would characterize as my shadow - it's made me feel shell-shocked. But I'm still trying, and there's a kernel that want's to rise out of this still that has never truly gone away.
You are describing my own past and present, and the same realizations of grieving the loss of the potential life I could not have due to cyclical intergenerational and societal trauma thrust upon me from birth, depriving me of self-awareness and close relationships by forcing me into withdrawal to the only place of safety available- my own mind, a rabbit warren of dim corridors, locked doors, and the restless spirits of the parts of myself that found the world unaccepting and unacceptable. That retreat left me largely divorced from my own body, needs, wants, motivations, and pleasure from life, an empty shell driven only by survival, self-protection, and vicarious satisfactions gained from people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and service to others. The few relationships I was able to form and maintain have been more precious than life itself, and the loss of my wife of 22 years, the only contentment I have ever known, followed by a very damaging 4 year relationship that also ended in loss, left me in a very dark place.
The tools and insights I have gained from content creators like Heidi and several others (Schizoid Vision, Schizoid Angst, Memento Mori Alchemy Substack...) are helping me to explore my inner world, to interact with those disembodied parts of myself, and unlock those doors where the best parts have been imprisoned for their safekeeping- I have found the pain of each discovery to be the key that unlocks another door.
Through writing I am beginning to reintegrate, taking baby steps between stumbles and falls in the dark- 9 months ago I could not have imagined posting this comment, now I am taking steps to begin publishing, an attempt to create Beauty, and healing, from this Darkness.
Over 8 years ago I found myself in this Limbo and am only now at 56 finally beginning to process the lifetime of trauma I received as my birthright, with an unknown path still before me- some Nights are longer and darker than others, but I have developed my natural nightsight, the Twilight in my eyes showing me the beauty in the shadows. I was born for this, as were you.
I hope this helps someone find the next step on their path through their own Dark Night of the Soul and encourages you to find beauty in the pain of each fall and each new discovery, and to keep getting up again to take the next cautious step.
-Ronin Ravenquill
@@don-eb3fjthis is beautiful, i hope the best for you and your future. I am a 22 year old male... i have lived in serious pain and it has ended up brining me to a somewhat early awakening. The loneliness is almost unberable, but i deeply know that the life I want is on the other side.
@@don-eb3fjrecently i found a book called toward manhood that goes deep into the process. It is really good. maybe it interests you.
@@hiperventilat8064 Thank you for your reply, it gives me a dose of much needed encouragement to know that I have produced something that another finds beauty and value in, and I do sincerely hope that something in it helps you on your way, even if only to remind you that you are not alone in your experience or uniquely broken. You are young and have tools and resources available that were not accessible in my youth, and your age group as a whole seems to be more self-aware in many ways than my Gen-X cohort were at your age, despite (or perhaps because of) the cold, shabby hand-me-down world you inherited (for my part, I am sorry it isn't better and am among those trying to help make it better).
The love of my life walked in when I was 24, when I had abandoned hope and was at my lowest point yet- she was not what I had expected, but proved to be more than everything I had not allowed myself to hope for; our relationship provided the environment I needed to find hidden talents and energy to manifest them , and defined my life. Now, I am attempting to use that loss as the key to find new resources and talents to redefine myself and create a new life. The loneliness you speak of I know well, it is the echo of the voices of our shadow parts crying out and kicking against their cell doors, demanding liberation - answer the call, go find them and free yourself.
I hope you will check out those resources I mentioned, even if they don't seem to apply to you or your situation you may find something useful that you were not expecting. My best to you in hopes you find a life of beauty and satisfaction waiting in the shadows.
German heritage here as well. I'm 67, an old family photo I have (110+ years old) has my maternal grandmother, her younger sister and her parents standing in a row, in front of their Wisconsin farmstead, each many feet apart from the other. It's winter, it looks so cold.
My grandmother was tough, and very cold (and unkind) to my mother. My mother was on the one hand, an emotional rollercoaster, vulnerable-needy and at the same time had this rock solid core. In the first 3 months of my mother's life (she was 2 months premature) my grandmother first lost her younger sister in childbirth and then a couple weeks later her mother. I believe that that was a setup for a very tumultuous attachment, and it showed itself throughout their lives. My grandmother's older sister (the oldest, there were 4 boys in between) was a radiantly lovely lady (she died in 1970 at the age of 90). She lost her first three children at ages 3, 5 and 6. She lost her first husband when her 3 remaining children were still very young. She met a very kind man and he was with her nearly to the end.
It's frightening to imagine what a totally vulnerable infant, small child experiences when encountering these powerful, deep, dark, even violent adult emotions in their (usually) mothers. What is this like, what is the adaptation going on in this wide open, totally vulnerable human creature.
youre so fucking smart. thank you
I can see in your eyes that this topic is tough. Indeed as someone who lost my my parents and grandparents before 30, these topics are heavy. I can say you are a super brave soul for putting your knowledge out to share and teach. I’m grateful for you Heidi. What ever you may be handling I wish for it to go smoothly and be resolved. If your not handling anything tough and my instinct is off, then Yayyy that’s good. Onward and upward. Until your next video👋🏾🫶🏾
Dear Heidi, sounds like we had the same parents :) your a sister soul and I feel blessed to watch your channel. Thank you so much for your hard work .
Love you Heidi ❤
Haven’t seen the entire video yet. But I know that it will be incredibly insightful as always
I'm so glad to have found you, Heidi. I'm trying to work on healing my attachment style. I'm always repressing my negative emotions and i've lived my life thinking that was completely normal. it wasn't until the lid on the box my negative emotions are kept in has threatened to burst open that I realized there was something there that needed to be exposed and worked through. I believe I have an avoidant attachment style. Your videos have helped me immensely! Now, I'm at a point of severe burn-out at my job and I want to change things but I'm scared to because I still feel like I don't really know what I want... what will make me truly happy. I will study your videos more and try to confront my inner self that I've hid. Thank you for being there for all of the people like me who needed to hear this.
I've recently realized I'm been an anxious attachment and I've been working hard on healing. It's jaw dropping how accurate this stuff is, it literally reads us like a book.
Love your reference to that Cheryl Strayed quote again! I remember you had mentioned it in your video about how healing really hurts, and it prompted me to read more of her work. I really liked her advice to be brave enough to break your own heart and step away from things that are not in alignment with your true self.
Thank you Heidi. I’m re-watching your videos and noticing my life change and change again every day over the last week as I work through your shadow work topic series. You are my most favorite person for attachment and healing lessons. ❤
I’ve been listening to videos on attachment theory. All styles. Trauma informed videos. All things to do with narcissistic personality disorder and you touch on all subjects better than anyone I have ever listened to. I can’t believe I recently just found you. Doing intense reprocessing in therapy for the last 6 months and it’s perfect timing because I understand it on a level I may not have before! Thank you for sharing all your insight! 🙏🏼😊
I found this video to be exactly where I am at. It is an overwhelming void of helplessness. Healing the anxious avoidant attachment wound is extremely hard to comprehend! And what is more difficult is finding the right help to do so.😞Please please make more videos about the anxious avoidant style and healing!
What the hell 🤯, you video s are getting deeply relatable, i watched your recent video and i said to myself if only she knew the dark night of the soul qnd here your are . Just WOW
wow, i’ve listen to thousands of videos like this at this point and you spoke so eloquently and do spot on about this topic in ways that hadn’t clicked for me before… incredible ❤
& thanks for much Heidi!!!!!! You are a true lifesaver for this information
"Transactional Analysis"
I am reading "I am OK, you're Ok" right now. it has been one of the most enlightening books I have ever read; puts words to intuitions that I have carried for several years.