This video just made me realize that I am addicted to self improvement. I am constantly trying to fix something wrong with me, and so long as I'm continually working on myself then I will earn whatever love comes my way. I never stop and trust that anyone loves me as is. It's as if I'm bargaining and apologizing for my existence 100% of the time. Damn that hurts
This rang a bell for me too. It was inevitable for me to recapitulate those moments that made me think that I was totally shattered and therefore worthless. We will make it together. Big hugs for both of you
My mother apologized to me as an adult. She was well into her battle with Lewy Body Disease & very humbly said to me,"I'm sorry I broke your spirit, Audrey. No one should ever do that to a child." While getting that acknowledgement from her was a beautiful & validating experience, it did not undo the profound & lasting effects my traumatic upbringing caused in me. I've worked very hard for nearly 4 decades trying to heal & overcome it all.... That quote spoke to me in my bones. I'll be ordering Bradshaw's book ASAP
@@MsAudreytoowow she admitted to it?! That’s ‘nice’ but doesn’t undo any of the harm done to you. It was my mom too that broke me I am just learning through this video.
Holy shit. I just broke down crying. I've been working so much on myself for years, I've been to therapy twice, and only now all of it finally makes sense. How natural lying comes to me, the addictions, the feeling of being better & smarter & more capable (if I'd choose to try) than people around me while simultaneously thinking of myself as rotten to the core, the frequent meltdowns where I cut off everyone, that I'm very good at talking about vulnerable topics without actually being vulnerable, never having experienced REAL intimacy in all my relashionships, my approaching panic attacks as soon as someone catches a glimpse of "me" behind all my guards and masks and filters, the constant feeling of walking on the edge of a cliff... This changed a lot for me. I feel like I can finally work on the underlying issue rather than patching up symptom after symptom. Thank you so much for this video 💜 (This is hard to post. Even while opening up I HAVE to have control, every word has to be carefully chosen so no stranger on the internet would ever see sth of me I did not intend to show 🙃)
That is so well put, I feel it. Being able to talk about vulnerable things without actually being vulnerable. It must be why I end up failing a lot of friendships I try to create. People sense I have a veil. Or I seem judgemental, when truth of what I attempt to be is so far from that. Thanks for sharing a glimpse of something that was hard to show, even to internet strangers :)
I felt this comment in my bones, it feels surreal to see a stranger describe my own situation so precisely in such vivid detail. I don't know you, but I know that you've got this ♡
and when you find human intimacy, if you're addicted to something, sometimes the addiction gets in the way of what you originally wanted to begin with!!
14:29 "To be shame-bound means that from a young age we learned that there was something wrong with the fact that we have feelings." annnd now I'm crying at work.
@@lunamoth7044 Yeah, old man who grow up with an old men who grow up with an old men ect that did the same to them. Forsaken little boys in an old man body, I pray for them, and for us to stop being one of them.
@@heidipriebe1 I was a toddler when I learned that there was something inherently wrong with me. I'm still afraid to show anger. In the last decade, I've cried once. I'm used to the former but the latter is worrying.
I’ve lived my entire life stuck in fantasy books, and I’m now looking up from 12+ hours every day on fanfiction and realizing that I have an intolerance for staying present. It might be because of ADHD, but I can’t believe that’s all of it. I’ve thought I’m addicted to stories before, but it always felt like an excuse. I want to be the people in my stories. I want to live their lives and have their friends and eat their food and run and jump and cry and laugh as them. Who needs this husk of a body? Who needs this discard of a mind? This feels too over the top to post, and I want to delete it, but I also, really, really want to move on. Thank you for posting this video and helping so many people, including myself.
Your post isnt over the top. It was very well articulated and I actually relate to it. I feel obsessed with imagination based books/ movies/ stories etc. and being imaginative is where I live in my mind. It is an escape of some sort but I never really figured out the nuances because sometimes it’s hard to figure out which part is trauma and which is just something I love. But I feel my happiest within this scope. I know that there is an element to it from ADHD also.. maladaptive daydreaming. It’s interesting once you start figuring out how all these things connect. I almost deleted my comment too and thought oh its too long but then you encouraged me to just speak my mind given your comment about it towards the end. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ^_^
I feel you too! I have always lived in my fantasies too. I also have ADHD. I’ve always wanted to write my own stories too, but I am to scared that they won’t be good enough. When they are just fantasies in my head, no one can judge them, no one can say they aren’t good enough. And I can keep fantasizing about becoming a writer because I haven’t been rejected yet. But I’m getting older now and since I haven’t written my stories down, it starts to feel more and more pathetic to keep pretending that I’ll be a writer someday. If I don’t get this figured out soon, I won’t have failed and been rejected because I wrote a bad story, I’ll fail and be rejected because I never even managed to get myself to try. 🤦♀️
@@ResurgentVoicePlease give it an authentic try. You need to try. Now. Now is not too late to start. I've got Aspergers and Disorganized attachment, not ADHD, but I'm a musician and am just starting to write songs and learn to sing. Was told I sucked at singing back in my teenage years (I'm 29), and I hated anything I wrote. I also felt hopeless since most songs are love songs and I've had a very infrequent love life. What the hell, I'll write about women rejecting me and/or leaving me. I'll play music every day because it's what I need to do to be happy Don't feel like your writing isn't good enough. It's much better than u think. If u practice writing (maybe short stories) everyday, you'll get better and better. Then the stories that are ur favorites u can self publish. The ones that aren't your favorites, you don't have to make those public, but don't be embarrassed that they exist in your laptop. Even the bad content is good enough to just exist, because it helped u practice and learn to make your good stuff. The best is yet to come. Never stop being creative- I think thats the real cause of depression.
I relate to this so much. It was especially true when I was growing up, using books as escapism and imaging what it would be like to be someone else. I had such hard time making friends and I wanted so much to meet people that were like those characters. It's still difficult for me to make friends. I'm starting to wonder if that'll ever change.
Oh, so that's exactly the feeling I get of "I cannot be around other people right now" because I'm in a bad mood and know I dont have the emotional energy to rally and Act Normal.
Me tonight. I just had a conversation with my flatmate where I was very heavy because I'm in a bad mood and i used an impatient tone. He actually biked away mid conversation and I said in a passive aggressive tone, "see you at home, then." Now I'm trying to work out how to cook dinner without running into anyone (I live with 6 people 🙃)
Hearing this so hard. I really struggled with this the most in high school, couldn't tell people the reason because I didn't want them to think I was bad. Hopefully, people can be more honest in the future despite their struggles.
I was raped as a child, I never told anyone. In my entire life. Recently I told my partner, he mentioned about your video. Each and every word of you is so true. Thank you.
May deep healing find you at the pace that is right for you. You never deserved any of that trauma and are a wonderful person inherently deserving of love.
I hope you find peace and that your life be filled with happiness. I apologize for my wording but I am proud that you've taken steps towards finding that joy. Best wishes
You are incredibly brave for sharing such a thing. I too was attacked as a child. And as a man, I’m supposed to be the initiator of romantic stages; the pursuer in the bedroom. It took a long; long; LONG time for me to overcome the fear that showing someone physical affection in a romantic way would somehow harm them. It helped that I found a partner who was incredibly patient and gentle with me. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in my 30s. 🤦🏻♂️😂. But it’s ok. I’m glad you are healing. I am too. May we both continue on our journey’s forward. ❤️
You showed great courage telling your partner, and telling us here. And it's angering because it was not your fault, not your shame to carry. I hope you are receiving the support you need to free yourself from this traumatic experience.
37:00 The most painful part about healing is remembering back to all the moments of self-doubt, and imagining where you would have been in life if it were not for the abuse we suffered.
I think sometimes that this just leads to painful regret or sense of loss. As I feel we can't say how our lives would have turned out even if we were raised in a "safe family".
@@lesliemctavish4300I prefer to believe that radical acceptance and even love of reality no matter how painful it can be, leads to genuine happiness and even late in one's 70s or 80s it could still be sweeter than having 60 years of not living the truth.
@@ChannelMath not to take away from the comparison, but that comes from the contradiction that the reason you'd want to join a club is because membership elevates you, but at the same time the reason a club would want you as a member is because your membership elevates the club.
@@closethockeyfan5284 it is usually because people who suck a lot know how to manipulate others to get what they want. on the other hand, good people give too much cuz deep down they crave for love/attention but it causes them to be used by others, so they don't get what they want.
@pelligroovy I believe only true and unselfish love is capable to move ppl to want to change. But the actual work has to be done by the individual who needs to change. How wonderful that this gentleman found true love and took courage from that love to start the path towards healing. It means he loves his wife too and want to be a better husband. Rooting for them and for everyone who wants to change for better and to heal past wounds to feel better 🎉💞🙏🏻
Do any of you ever feel like there's some kind of psychological road block/barrier that keeps bouncing you back to the same spot whenever you try to make a major improvement or upgrade to your life?
Did you collect some more info about this? I would appreciate if you want to share. It could be a limiting believe that manifests like: I’m not worthy of this thing
Anyone else think there's also a secret pathological pleasure in thinking you are uniquely terrible? Like, "at least I'm special"? That it might feel like a loss to realize you are just like everyone else? Or is that just another fantasy to distract yourself with?
Definitely another fantasy to help cope. I can relate to that a lot. Believing that maybe I’m supposed to be the supervillain of the story is something I’ve done to justify my own existence. If I lose my shame, then I’m not the supervillain anymore therefore I cannot justify my own existence.
I think the popularity surge of mental health and trauma throughout the years on social media have made me like this. I think there’s something satisfying about being able to have such traumatic experiences that shock other people but don’t seem to bother me when I share them. Something about having “gone through more shit” than the average person makes me feel like I’m better or even just more “relatable” to others.
@@kirstencabatu yes, I have felt something similar, at least to some degree. In my case it might be a twisted way to get validation -- "see when I share a tiny sliver of my experience people are horrified!! This proves how awful my life has been!!" In really bad moods this turns into obsessions with figuring out the exact words to use to hurt someone emotionally -- "see if I know how to hurt you, this proves how much I was hurt by others!!" It's screwed up, though at least I'm recognising the patterns
Wow travel addiction. I didn’t realize that was a thing. In the back of my mind I knew this was unhealthy but seeing someone I admire like you admit it has helped. I struggle to connect with other people as a neurodiverse person. Travel has distracted me from how empty I feel, but it’s served its purpose and I see this now.
My toxic shame comes from my dad. Growing up, he used sometimes watch my siblings and I, saying nothing, with a look of disappointment, angry, and/or annoyance. It made us uncomfortable and guilty for no reason and made it hard for us to feel free at home. I sometimes felt he hated us or just really didn’t know how to be kind to his own kids but was super friendly with strangers
HOLY FUCKING SHIT ME TOO!!!! I have NEVER encountered another person who has spoken of this sort of issue before. It was so weird and made it difficult to have friends over. I spent a lot of time finding ways to just be out of the house and always had some excuse as to why I couldn't have people over. It was a dismal and lonely way to grow up. Still to this day I am almost 25 and cannot even make a full meal in the kitchen while he is in there. We've found other ways to bond as of late, but that one piece I don't know that I'll ever fully overcome.
@@ZebrasAreAwesome011 Damn same boat. My mother and father were both narcs who tag teamed took turns in instilling deep shame in me, just for merely existing as a innocent child. No attentive care yet always there watching me uncomfortably this dooming creepy feeling like im stalked in my own home. This trauma has taken away from me the safety to clearly see and judge hence being a magnet for predators all my life. Caregivers facial expressions help a child develop. I have an autistic toddler now and we sit every day bonding through different facial expressions and make silly faces. I have a facial expressions/feelings chart on fridge. My inner child is healing through loving him. You’re not alone
He sounds like my father. He made it clear that he didn’t like us or particularly want us around. We couldn’t be ‘normal’ children because us being ‘normal’ would mean him being in a foul mood/angry.
My mother was/is still deeply disapproving of my joy and desire for connection. From toddlerhood, if I was playing and having fun, being joyful with friends, she had this hateful look of disapproval that is all I ever saw of her face. It made me fear having friends visit. It made me isolate and alienate myself to keep on her right side. I have come to realise as an adult that she deliberately isolated me by disapproving of my joy, my need for connection so I could tend only to her and her needs. Her narcissism is so deliberate and destructive, it beggars belief. To this day, I’m still soothing myself the morning after -whenever I go out with friends, especially to nights of music, food, dancing - any kind of enjoyable night - and wake up with that hateful feeling of dread and anxiety. Even though I live a million miles from her, pay my own bills and live on my own, have a job. Still, a night of joy and connection is something to be fearful of. To all of us on this journey, may we go free of this shame. Remember others in your prayers. If we are parts of one whole, our sustained prayers for each other will and must free us all faster than we can dare to dream. All is not lost. For those who cannot afford therapy, I share this tip that has made the most powerful difference to my healing journey from the best therapist I’ve had: find photos of your baby self up until 7 years of age. Frame them and bring them out in the open, talk to your children. Become their parent. Kiss them, soothe them, take them with you to your bed. Get your teddies and surround them with them, buy new teddy bears if you have to. Become the parent you needed and never got. Soothe and nurture your inner child. It is a profoundly healing act of self-love. Even if it is only one photo, get it and speak to that little girl or boy. May the Divine free us all.
Thinking back, in my first infant photos I was a happy baby with clear big eyes, hungry for experience and connection. In later photos I was often crying or spaced out.
Thank you for sharing this. I started to cry as I read the suggestion about baby pictures so I guess that's an evident thing for me now to apply this into my life.Thank you 🙏🏻🥹💞
My grandma used to have “midnight chats” with me when I would visit her over summer break. These chats were about how sinful the world is, how my parents were too lenient, and how all my friends and roughly 99.9% of the world were going to Hell. She’d discuss sins I’d committed that day, like dancing to my A-Teens CD or wearing a “revealing” bathing suit (for context, I was in elementary school at this time 🙃). She said it all with such conviction that I believed her and internalized it all and existed in a state of constant guilt. Now I’m in my 30s and have only just begun to shed that toxic shame. It’s been scary but so good. It feels like I can breathe again for the first time since I was like 5.
When we are in the dark, we CANNOT think our way out, we must FEEL our way out! ( I went to 5 therapists for 10 yrs) it is NOT enough to debate the shadow/unconscious wounds within our mind/psyche- We still get pushed around by our toxic inner voice because WE NEED TO RECOVER THE EMOTIONAL ENERGY activating these toxic thoughts- IT IS THE EMOTIONAL WOUND that keeps triggering the toxic shame. If we can become aware of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS by focusing on OUR DEEPEST feelings, putting ALLL OUR ATTENTION on our PHYSICAL BODY, we can practice releasing & soothing this ENERGY & the toxic shame will diminish. (Even counting our breath can help break the mental shame loop) BUT only if we work to EMBRACE & EXPAND OUR EMOTIONAL SELF AWARENESS! Otherwise we will keep acting out our childhood shame program. Thoughts DONT SOLVE PAIN, FEELING OUR FEELINGS resolves pain. And this requires digging really deeply & being very very honest with ourselves & learning WHAT we are really feeling. (BUT most of us will run away from our difficult feelings into distractions or blame others or GET STUCK IN OUR THOUGHT LOOPS.) Debating in our head is useless & leaves us exhausted & broken because no one can put out a painful fire with words! DEEP work into the core of body's feelings requires time alone EVERY DAY without alcohol/drugs/media. (I found ASMR video's & meditation outdoors very helpful to RESET MY BODY turning off my trauma mind LOOP). It also requires life changes. We cannot remain around abusive family or addictions because THE SHAME MONSTER WILL KEEP RETURNING until we rebuild our life in a safe & quiet place. (Sitting in my car/park/bedroom/office/bathroom for 5 minutes a day silently paying attention to my feelings in my body & letting them out-CHANGED MY LIFE I cried/raged & felt terrified, but eventually I got use to my core child-like feelings INSTEAD of TRYING TO MASK/REPRESSED or CONTROL MY THOUGTS) At first it is like a tidal wave of feelings knocking our mind & body downwards & we can even get very sick (because our feelings unexpressed build up TENSION IN OUR BODIES over years) but eventually, we can get USE TO OUR TRUTHFUL FEELINGS. After practicing my feelings, and getting to know the truth about my inner needs, I can now FIND MY BALANCE quicker after getting upset and MY BOUNDARIES are way STRONGER! Shame removes our inner truth by cutting us off from our true feelings, so we become lost. BY DIRECTLY FEELING our true feelings IN ANY SITUATION we can bypass our toxic thoughts & go to the core of the matter putting out the fire before the SHAME LOOP gets activated. Before we just ignored our feelings TO PROTECT OURSELVES & ended up in shitty situations. I got to know what I felt rather than performing for others & losing my sense of self. Now when I feel uncomfortable around someone, I realize my BODY & FEELINGS are WARNING me to take CARE of my needs & disabilities. So I can now protect myself. TOXIC shame blinds us to our true self. But healthy powerful shame warns us & protects us, shifting us back onto our true pathI
Hi can you please tell more about how does one truly know what they feel and let it out? What are the exact steps to follow? What to do if something happened that made us feel uncomfortable or have negative feelings towards something that might happen in the future, how to stop those negative feelings and just let it go? thanks in advance.
Something small triggered the shame reflex today and I'm desperately fighting my previous tendencies to withdraw from all my friends and hide under a rock. I was doing so well, but this little thing brought me back to the "you thought you were better? You're just acting. You're not healed, it's just another mask. You're still the same damaged person you've always been. You're just ACTING healed". Fortunately...because I AM HEALED...I can identify that it's Just a temporary backslide. I came to this video for reassurance 😅 shame is tough
Thank you for sharing this, this happened to me this week and Its still looming around, I am fighting the urge to sabotage my healing. This video is helpful
I feel like it’s helped me to think of healing as a continuous progress. I’ll never be “healed” or get over all of my traumas and that’s…. Okay. There’s not something wrong with me that needs to be overcome. I’m a human being and I’ll continue to get over things.
One thing I will add: it is possible to present your authentic self and not get validation over and over again and it can put you into the shame/anxiety/depression loop. In my personal experience, the lack of validation and shame/anxiety/depression loop when I was authentic was showing me that I was still too reliant on external validation as a means for self-compassion. 🚫 when my self-compassion/nurturing/comfort should never be contingent on validation from others because I should be safe and secure within self. This is especially important for those who are here to “shake things up” and be a pillar of change for evolution. I call these people the sacred rebels who are not afraid to speak up to trigger healing in others. 🙏🏻
I have to push myself to write this, as I'm afraid to reveal what an asshole I am lol, but I just want to say thank you so much for taking the time to validate such a big part of my life experience. I have felt such deep shame over every aspect of my being, including my drug issues that I've obviously developed to soothe the original shame, loneliness, and emptiness that I've experienced for so long. Great work! I'm really glad I found your channel.
Yeah, for sure! When Heidi tells me something new that’s amazing. I was stuck in the disorganized anxious avoidant attachment style for like 40 years. I had zero friends and almost all family members disowned me. They all had the same attachment style though 😂 Oh, and I don’t have debilitating and complete CPTSD. That was so bad, omg!
**Steps towards Authenticity** 21:30 - Entertain the idea of a neutral self 23:27 - Seek out mirrors for yourself within solitude 26:24 - The Stripping Down Process 30:06 - Abstain from addictions
I’m only 17 and I struggle with the depressive episodes so bad that I fail to function at times. All my life I tried and failed to explain to people around me that I pretend to be someone I’m not, but I can’t control it and I don’t know what to do. No one ever understood what this “feeling like I’m not myself” meant. This video pretty much changed my life. I genuinely thought I was alone in this and the whole idea of “lying” to therapists, being a part of pretending to be someone you’re not unintentionally, was so relatable that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to try to get better and to love life again. It seems so hard now but I hope one day I can look back and thank myself for starting my healing journey early in life.
Hey. You won't believe me, but I'm also 17 years old and I'm going through EXACTLY the same problem you described. Don't feel alone in this. I swear I was so happy reading your comment because I felt so understood...
coming from someone only a couple of years older and in almost the same place at your age, there is so much hope and time to develop your Self. good luck
I love Brene Brown's extensive research and work on shame. I think she sums it up beautifully with 'Guilt can be healthy, shame is always destructive. Guilt is: what I did was wrong/bad. Shame is: what I AM is wrong/bad.' Some may say it's semantics, but language has power. Beautiful video, Heidi.
Most African Americans if not all, deal with toxic shame, sad to say I see both sides of the spectrum all the time in my community. For some reason these behaviors caused me to develop an INFJ-A personality type, so I tend to be very altruistic and purpose driven, my life’s goal is to integrate this information into my community because it’s most definitely needed, thank you for your amazing work! ❤🙏🏽🏆
Infj checking in I thought I was burned out for a few years I just sort of gave up or gave in and stopped trying to be the gifted kid turned gifted adult because as black/aa man in the US ... I started to believe in my own rejection and start to believe in the lie, I let imposter syndrome and victimhood define me. I stopped trying to save myself and be my own hero, I started to believe I wasn't good enough but the feedback was overwhelming and suicide started to invade my waking thoughts for a few years... But like Heidi Preibe says who actually chooses this? Not black men
You don't develop a personality type, especially not infj, those guys are very weird people (not in a negative sense) it's entirely genetic, you are like this or you aren't since birth, what you're talking about is the way your environment changed you, which is normal
@@shro_okee yes I agree, however most “Typologies” acknowledge this. The theory of cognitive functions themselves stem from the way a person grows and a adapts to their environment. I think it’s worth looking into and is loosely applicable, especially for those of us invested in self-discovery, but it relies on pretty loose theories without much research to back any of it up. However, I think it’s fun and harmless.
Holy. Moly. I've watched so many videos. Trying figure myself out. I've looked at personality disorders, BPD, autism. While I can say, "oh. Maybe. Maybe not", But this video has opened a whole new level of self realization. Wow.
I am literally jumping out of my skin to share this with my partner. This has been one of the most important videos I have seen in a long time, and I’ve been binging. I so appreciate your intelligence, humanity, perspective and clarity of thought.
Nope. You’re not LITERALLY jumping out of your skin. That’s the complete opposite of what literally means. It means “actually.” Are you actually jumping out of your skin? No, you’re not.
@@rlud304 chill out, dude. She's excited that she's finally feeling understood etc and you need to examine why you needed to be a Grammar Nazi and put her down. Asshole move.
She mentions John Bradshaw and massively recommends it. That’s like underselling it, omg, sentence by sentence you’ll read it and get blown away, it’s that powerful. Amazing book.
I’m 41 and I’ve kept myself out of romantic relationships with other people my entire life. The story you told about seeing yourself needing to be on that raft furiously paddling, as well as needing to avoid emotional mirrors speaks so much to me. I’ve made so much progress over the last 10 years. I feel increasing less shame and just a deep well of sadness and grief often for myself now. I remember hearing a quote I saw somewhere a long time back in which a psychiatrist recounts something a alcoholic patient of theirs told them. This person had said that they felt like they walked through life being like a movie extra, a background character in the lives of other people. That quote struck me to my core when I heard it and is very much how I’ve kept myself in the lives of other people. I can see it’s a role I play to keep myself safe. The price is so incredibly high though. Thank you for all the invaluable work you do with your videos!
You are worthy of love, just like every person is, just try and get out there, even in tiny increments, talk to people, elderly people, friends, a neighbor, whoever, practice. I've had an underlying feeling that I was unworthy of love romantically and would choose toxic partners who would confirm that to be true, so I set myself up. I am finally realizing how that belief has just kept me alone Sending you a big hug ❤️
@@Locut0s Your post or your believe about yourself made me cry. You are the number one! In your life but also in other peoples life. You are my number one in this very moment. May you feel and know you are love(d)❤. May you know and feel blessed. May you know you matter . May you be forgiven.
Sometimes when I join group settings I just be super polite, cagy and sometimes I feel like every single person have a “real personality” and they have huge presence and this is me I feel bland, smaller than them and super inferior!
While I have spent my whole life trying to prove that I am a good person the result was proof that I am horrid/shameful. The struggle has been a real for 50+ years. Recently it has become so in my face I struggle to breathe. I just grabbed hope by the hand. Thank you Heidi and to everyone who has commented.
Thank you. I just found out about chronic / toxic shame and I am starting my search into healing. My father was a good man, but b/c of his dysfunction he newer validated me my entire life. I can't understands or rationalize how a father can have this behavior towards his child, wife, mother, etc. This behavior is called emotional denial. My father studied to be an artist. He did oil paintings, pottery, wood carvings, stone and marble carvings, with a talent rivaling DaVinci. You would think that a man that was so emotionally dead inside could not be so creative. I have picture of him playing with me when I was about 2 and 3 years old. Then at about 5 years old he became emotionally dead. He never validated me from then on and I was plagued with Chronic / Toxic shame my entire life. I didn't think I made a mistake, I thought I was a mistake. Not until came across John Bradshaw's work was I able to start to heal.
Toxic shame attack. Definitely have those. Never thought to call them that. I am FINALLY at the noticing stage. I didn't feel the toxic shame attacks or really any feelings for so long. The noticing my feelings stage is actually so much more painful than I expected. Sheesh.
I've been absolutely alone and absolutely valueless my whole life - mother just passing down her own trauma. It's so painful but so helpful to listen to this woman
OMG! The only thing you left out was stating my name in this story of me and my life.😢 This is so incredible, I'm shaking in my skin!💔😢 I've never heard me, explained so clearly and concisely!
Yeah that’s me. A good example for that is that I have extreme anxiety over celebrating my birthday … being in the Center of attention, having to “fake” good mood for a few hours. Also I am very adaptable and act with different friends all differently. So I am afraid what they will think of me seeing me in “another role”. Fear of disappointing the expectations of my friends and them thinking of me as a loser … when actually it’s all about spending the days with beloved people …
Same here! I didnt celebrate a single birthday from ages 9 to 20. Also relate to morphing my personality depending on who was around and had trouble with the notion of mixing friend groups. Crazy how similar the things we experience can be
God damn it. My whole personality is built around toxic shame :( There's so much toxic shame in me that it's easily overlooked. It's beyond comprehension how omnipresent this feeling can actually be!
I definitely feel u. I’ve been walking around my whole life pretending to be someone I’m not, just to avoid being seen as less by others. I never knew this was such a universal experience until now.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:14 🌱 *Discusses the importance of understanding and healing from toxic shame for recovery from attachment wounds and trauma.* 00:27 🛑 *Defines toxic shame as a feeling of being fundamentally flawed or corrupt at the core.* 01:52 🔄 *Distinguishes between healthy shame, which helps maintain boundaries, and toxic shame, which is a deep-seated belief in one's inherent worthlessness.* 03:55 🔗 *Links toxic shame to insecure attachment styles and complex PTSD.* 04:24 💔 *Explains that toxic shame often originates from early core wounds that break a child's will and self-worth.* 07:17 🎭 *Reveals that people with toxic shame tend to create a false persona and feel unable to be authentic in social settings.* 09:07 🪞 *Highlights the disconnection between one's real and fake self, leading to emotional turmoil.* 11:11 🚫 *Discusses the avoidance of psychological mirrors and intimacy due to the fear of being truly seen.* 14:07 🧭 *Talks about losing touch with inner wisdom and relying on fantasy or logic to avoid real feelings.* 17:03 🔄 *Mentions the development of addictive behaviors as a replacement for true human connection.* 19:22 🛣️ *Describes the healing process from toxic shame as a journey towards embracing one's true self.* 21:30 🤔 *Introduces the concept of developing a 'neutral self' to counter extreme views of oneself.* 23:36 📚 *Suggests seeking mirrors in solitude through books and resources to understand and overcome toxic shame.* 26:06 🕵️♂️ *Encourages revisiting one's life story to understand and dismantle negative beliefs about oneself.* 31:09 🚫 *Recommends abstaining from addictive behaviors to confront underlying shame.* 35:09 💬 *Emphasizes the importance of facing, sitting with, and being present with the feeling of shame.* 37:00 🔍 *Encourages discovering one's true self beneath the layers of toxic shame.* 38:25 🌟 *Discusses the final step of healing: reintegrating the authentic self into the world.* Made with HARPA AI
I'm just gonna throw this out there out of my own sheer frustration of a possible link to all of this as well. A majority of us were taught- from birth- that we are born "bad" and literally undeserving...from organized religion Like..???🤦🏽♀️ This will automatically bleed into other areas of life. We aren't only healing parenting but ideologies as well. This is massive WORK. I'm so tired. I know yall are, too, though. So ignore my fussing and keep going. Xo I adore this channel. Thank you for sharing all these videos. They're changing my life. ❤
Год назад+5
You're not fussing at all! You're absolutely right!
This is fantastic stuff. I relate to so many of the comments from people who are overjoyed at hearing this concept. It gives us hope for healing. I only had to reply to this comment because I'm a religious person who, when hearing this video, and reading part of Bradshaw's book about healing toxic shame, can TOTALLY understand why people would associate their toxic shame with their "religion" experience. But I also know that churches are just organizations with people running them, though trying their best to follow what they understand their God to be. Those people can so easily be people carrying their own toxic shame and passing it on with unintentionally abusive behaviors. As a devout follower I can only say I know there are those religious people who are like that, but they are not the embodiment of the church. They are only imperfect members. But for so many people their church and religion are sources of peace and understanding and a supportive community. I just fear that "religion" will be criticized, when in fact it's actually just toxic people who should be recognized as the source of pain or abuse. These things should be separated. Devout folks are most often very kind, generous, forgiving people because that's what religion teaches.
This is so interesting. Sounds like IFS would be helpful here too, potentially. The shame is a part of us, not the whole. And to talk to that part: “hi Shame, I know you’re trying to protect me. Thank you for doing this over the years, but I don’t need that any more. I can survive this. I’m not a kid anymore and I know now that it’s safe to make mistakes” or similar… Will def be rewatching this video many times I think. Thank you!
Yes, I have tried to do that soooo many times....but the shame part will get away with shaming me and in the end, I would listen to it and would isolate from everybody. It is so deep inside of me for so many years, I dont know how to get rid of it
@@mariacliment2767 Even if you feel like it takes over in the end, the fact that you are noticing it is the sign that you are making progress. I am betting that there have been times that you felt it coming and that in turn made the shame attack smaller. You are on your journey to recovery.
@@mariacliment2767When we are in the dark, we CANNOT think our way out, we must FEEL our way out! I went to 5 therapists for 10 yrs, without help. it is NOT enough to debate the shadow/unconscious wounds within our mind/psyche- that is why talk therapy does not work! We all know we have problems but we still get pushed around by our toxic inner voice because WE NEED TO RECOVER THE EMOTIONAL ENERGY activating these toxic thoughts- IT IS THE EMOTIONAL WOUND that keeps triggering the toxic shame. If we can become aware of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS by focusing on OUR DEEPEST feelings, putting ALLL OUR ATTENTION on our PHYSICAL BODY, we can practice releasing & soothing this ENERGY & the toxic shame will diminish. (Even counting our breath can help break the mental shame loop) BUT only if we work to EMBRACE & EXPAND OUR EMOTIONAL AWARENESS! Otherwise we will keep acting out our childhood shame program. Thoughts DONT SOLVE PAIN, FEELING OUR FEELINGS resolves pain. And this requires digging really deeply & being very very honest with ourselves & learning WHAT we are really feeling. (BUT most of us will run away from our difficult feelings into distractions or blame others or GET STUCK IN OUR THOUGHT LOOPS.) Debating in our head is useless & leaves us exhausted & broken because no one can put out a painful fire with words! DEEP work into the core of body's feelings requires time alone EVERY DAY without alcohol/drugs/media. (I found ASMR video's & meditation outdoors very helpful to RESET MY BODY turning off my trauma mind LOOP). It also requires life changes. We cannot remain around abusive family or addictions because THE SHAME MONSTER WILL KEEP RETURNING until we rebuild our life in a safe & quiet place. (Sitting in my car/park/bedroom/office/bathroom for 5 minutes a day silently paying attention to my feelings in my body & letting them out-CHANGED MY LIFE I cried/raged & felt terrified, but eventually I got use to my core child-like feelings INSTEAD of TRYING TO MASK/REPRESSED or CONTROL MY THOUGTS) At first it is like a tidal wave of feelings knocking our mind & body downwards & we can even get very sick (because our feelings unexpressed build up TENSION IN OUR BODIES over years) but eventually, we can get USE TO OUR TRUTHFUL FEELINGS. After practicing my feelings, and getting to know the truth about my inner needs, I can now FIND MY BALANCE quicker after getting upset and MY BOUNDARIES are way STRONGER! Shame removes our inner truth by cutting us off from our true feelings, so we become lost. BY DIRECTLY FEELING our true feelings IN ANY SITUATION we can bypass our toxic thoughts & go to the core of the matter putting out the fire before the SHAME LOOP gets activated. Before we just ignored our feelings TO PROTECT OURSELVES & ended up in shitty situations. I got to know what I felt rather than performing for others & losing my sense of self. Now when I feel uncomfortable around someone, I realize my BODY & FEELINGS are WARNING me to take CARE of my needs & disabilities. So I can now protect myself. TOXIC shame blinds us to our true self. But healthy powerful shame warns us & protects us, shifting us back onto our true pathI
My father was a monster who ruined and stole my life. I never got married because I always felt not good enough for anyone. He’s gone now and left me in a state of shame. I have one sibling who received the entire 120 acre family farm and all its belongings. I received absolutely nothing and I’ve had type 1 diabetes for over 50 yrs, since age 10. He’s left my relationship with my brother in complete ruin.
I am highly extroverted. I love making people laugh. I crave human connection. But then I have these low points where I believe I need to be alone and self improve or else I can’t be around anyone else, until I’m perfect. I have always said to my friends “I feel like I’m missing a key part of what makes someone human.” Because I lack the ability to form real connections that last. But I’m realizing that I am loveable, I am limiting myself because I believe I am inherently unworthy. I have even previously thought I might have some kind of personality disorder. When you started talking about how toxic shame makes us believe there is something wrong with us at our core, I burst out crying. Finally someone put into words what I feel. I’m not the only one who feels this way!
Absolutely brilliant video, and so spot on. I'd say the "more than human" identity isn't necessarily so grandiose, though. I think it can manifest in the overgiving/under receiving way as well. And the "less than human" identity isn't necessarily manifested through embracing "badness", but can also be manifested through things like learned helplessness and seeking help from others because you feel incapable within yourself, or, conversely, pushing help away because you feel unworthy of it. That said, this video was profoundly helpful, and I related to pretty much every word of it. I also thought it was super interesting how your shame wound propelled you into a constant state of compulsive motion for fear of slowing down and having to face becoming conscious of it, whereas another person's shame wound pushed them into a chronic freeze state for fear of making a false move. I feel like I vacillate between these two poles a lot. I also often have the sense of walking on a tightrope, where I have to keep moving, but if I make one false step, I fall off and die. Your videos have been exceptionally fantastic lately. Keep up the amazing work, and thank you for being one of those rare, trustworthy, kind, empathetic adults you referenced in the video! ❤
I appreciate your comment! I very much relate to the examples of "more than" and "less than" human that you've given, infact spot on. I was beginning to experience a little imposter syndrome, which probably comes from years of being told that I don't know what real pain is by my mother 😅
I appreciate you reframing this. It helped me get to the root of my own shame fear which is that if I make any move at all it’ll be the wrong move, & it’ll reflect on me badly creating more shame
Your comment was just what I needed to help me see more clearly how toxic shame manifests for me. I so, so appreciate your contribution here. Thank you. ❤
Was re-watching the video and it made me realize one thing. I entered university 3 times and each time I dropped out after one term due to depressive episode. Now I see, that the catalyst for this depression was toxic shame. Thank you so much for this and other videos, they help a lot.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Heidi, I found this video yesterday and watched it three times, rewinding parts even more to take in what you shared. My world collapsed around me a couple of years ago, sending me into a death spiral. I wanted to die. I prayed to die. I am better, but still I find myself in dark places. I was shamed, humiliated, and abused from an early age. My childhood was one traumatic event after another. Absent father, divorce, mother forced to work two and three jobs, csa beginning at 5, foster care, abusive dad, bullied, etc. I feel unworthy of love. I always have. It feels as though I have layer upon layer of shame. In fact, the layers are so thick that I am nothing without them. I mastered the art of adapting. I learned how to thrive in any circumstance. I was a chameleon. Now, I have no idea who I am. It always felt like I liked the things I was doing, but now I question everything. I feel lost in space. I began my current journey last year. I have been journaling, meditating, working with self-hypnosis, working on healing my shadow self. Thank you for sharing resources. I have no insurance, so I am dependent on myself for healing. Your videos and references are truly helpful. Thank you.
I am going through the same thing. Its been so fucking hard, i keeo raging out on coworkers for literally no reason at all, ready to do somdthing horrible, and acting in highly dangerous selfish ways in my anger. Its caused me to lash out at the only person who i would consider to be a friend or someone i feel close to. Today is my 26th birthday and I spent it working and sitting in my room getting high alone. This video had me bawling almost instantly. Its just so accurate that its jarring and painful to hear. Very helpful though. I find my biggest "triggers" or sources of shame are: Lack of any romantic relationships despite being handsome, charming, fit capable etc. (Aka im broken somehow and not worthy of love, will die alone not knowing what love feels like, or even having a consistent sexual outlet.) My addictions, current and in the past. (Heroin from ages 15-22, relapsed on IV Meth about 8 months ago now) Outward appearance coming off as gay or feminine (was raised to be a mans man, not to have emotions. I will openly tell people i may be bi curious at best, but im largely straight but get triggered when im teased for anything sexuality related, was bullied as a kid for being "pretty" and "acting like a faggot" I have been on my own for so long now, its just so painful ti try and socialize. I just feel bitterness and resentment for people in general. I feel like my ability to live and feel happiness was taken from me when i was just a vulnerable sweet little person. Now i teeter the line of sociopathy and other anti social character profiles. For almost 20 years I have felt nothing much more than isolated, hatred/rage, self loathing and pity, resentment, and the occasional bout of mania which is where i feel the best, in spite the many ways I always end up humiliating myself in those episodes. Idk why i even wrote this tbh. Just emotional as fuck, no one to talk to or no one i trust even remotely enough to listen
@@WillArtigues, I feel you brother. I really feel you. Our patterns differ some, but the pain and torment appears similar. I’ve been soaking up everything I can get my hands on. I find Heidi’s materials especially helpful. I am struggling deeply at times, but I do more hopeful than I did. I still have much on which to work, and I honestly still struggle with knowing who my true authentic self is. I just listened to this post for the first time since the day I last commented, and am reminded to identify who I am not in order to discover who I am at my core. I don’t know if this will work or not, but I am willing to try. I hope you are finding peace and comfort in your journey. I look forward to seeing an update from you. Best wishes,
@@WillArtigues you’re on this channel for a reason… you still have the light in you. Dont let it go out, it’s still there. Just keep working on things as you have and entertaining yourself as you improve and try new things and eventually you’ll look around and see yourself where you want to be. Proud of you! Keep going ^_^
I can understand having been there myself. I’m sorry for what you went through. Keep investing in yourself and you ll find your world becoming spectacular.. it takes time but have fun in the meantime and soon enough things start to turn around. ^_^
Goodness. I have a whole new level of compassion for my limerent, food-indulgent self. I almost let myself fully exist publicly in 2004, but I totally retreated when I let my abuser get in my head and I've struggled since -- even in a beautiful romantic relationship, earning an advanced degree, and other seemingly successful ventures. Thank you for sharing. I am simultaneously terrified and hopeful.
I had to pause every few minutes because my mind is just blown. I can't believe this is a thing. My toxic shame shaped me. It shaped my shallow life. It's a mask. This video is life changing... and I think the start of something different. Hopefully.. because Even writing this I hear myself saying "don't be so extra.." the struggles are all mentioned in this video.. i have an image so very time i make plans i need enough time to rest enough and be 'perfect' i wear a lot of make up too. Even when i just wake up at some one else's house i make sure to present myself fun en 'perfect' .
Thank you so much Heidi, all I can say is that the work you do is just simply transformational. You are making such an enormous contribution in this world. So many of us can not afford therapy, but the door to healing is being opened by you. Such kindness and compassion.
I get it mostly at work these days. All sorts of shaming coming at me, from all different levels, it’s immense. At times I cannot even focus on my work at hand, and it’s very dangerous.
I'm up early, my type 1 diabetic had issues with his insulin pump so I was taking care of him then just started tackling the day, workout, run, shower, kids lunches for school, my own breakfast. I put this video on just to get some light learning in before the busy day. I'm a new young counselor so I've just finished reading Atlas of the Heart (Brine Brown), No bad parts (Richard Schultz), the body keeps score (Van der kolk), and just yesterday I finished "cognitive behavioral therapy" (Judith Beck). I was not expecting this quick Internet video to be so impactful. You got me.
So good. My therapist and i are working on this right now. I define my toxic shame as something that in my mind is unforgivable. I cannot stop beating myself up over small things that in a heartbeat i would forgive others. Its a long long process but im 61 and have dealt with this for decades. Ex i brought my sons to Disney when they were young. Dancing was going on and he asked me to dance. And i said no. Of course ive apologized to him but 3 decades later i feel so much shame for not doing it.
@@Protegida4 you sound so much like me. My other son I have apologized for a million little things. All of which he has no memory of. I finally told him that me apologizing was for me so just let me. Lol
Heidi, Wow! I have never been able to put words to what is “wrong” with me or what I actually experience. Years of therapy, sobriety, treatment centers 12 step programs, church groups ect…But you have described almost perfectly my feelings, my fears, my patterns etc.. I have been watching your videos for over a week or so and I am just amazed. The clarity, compassion, and understanding. With concise steps to recovery. I am incredibly grateful for all you offer us, YOU are Truly Gifted! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us. I feel it will be Life Changing for me. 🥰
Ty. I've been shamefully toxified since 5 years old... But this never occurred to me... There was lots of fear, anger, rage... But never the thought of being ashamed... Think of it... I'm ashamed since a child because of what bad things the people in my life have done to me!! It's like I took their guilt unconsciously, and built up a personality around that guilt.... And I've been slogging it around ever since.... Over 50 years!!! What a world!! And I like you because you get it and you're able to make sense of it👍
Thanks so much. I never thought my fantasy world was the escape that you so clearly described. This is my main addiction that I never realized i has. So accurate and so clear. I appreciate you for being you 😊
Wow, Heidi. Thank you. After seeing this video, I think this is the main problem behind my depression and no therapist has pointed it out that clearly to me in 15 years!
Yeah same. The word „shame“ never came up in any session or anywhere. Like what if I knew 20 years ago? But maybe that’s part of the journey, that we just find out now. ❤
You are one of my favorite psychology RUclipsrs. Wow. I needed this video so much tonight. My ex often responds to my setting boundaries by viciously attacking me at my core. Last night, they asked me to watch their pets while they were going camping with our kids over a long weekend. This was asked at the last moment, and it was despite my ex having immediately shut me down when I had asked for the same thing a year before. In response to my saying “No.” My ex literally texted “You have a very self serving way of looking at things. You are selfish to the core.” I was gutted temporally but I have been absorbing lots of input on trauma and shame and codependency since we broke up, including your videos. I found that instead of being paralyzed by this toxic shame attack, I was able to set it aside and function today. Your video is so affirming. I won’t indeed die if my a-hole ex tries to emotionally abuse me over my setting boundaries. I can observe the attempt and still function. Ahhh.
I suffered abuse when I tried to do the right thing growing up. It taught me to hide the person who wants to do good inside me, and it’s manifested into me hating my true self. Thank you for this video.
im 32 years old and it has taken me this long to realize that my suffering comes from shame. it was never obvious that what i was experiencing was shame or guilt, i just 'felt bad about it'. i am only just now sorting these issues out within myself and i am experience a lot of inner battling. i ignored the fact that i needed help for a long long time. i think that even my guilt and shame kept me from seeking help. im just glad that i finally recognized that this is the emotion that has been crippling me for so many years and now i can finally work on it. just because you are made to feel a certain way, doesnt mean that you are in fact that way. don't let others tell you what you are. you are the master of your thoughts, and as its master, tend your thoughts as a garden. dont let your garden grow with weeds like i did, but if the weeds grow, rip those fuckers out!
A warning about support groups: if you're autistic, highly sensitive/empathic, or introverted, these could easily traumatise you further, because you'll be frightened, intimidated or overwhelmed by the pain of others.
Huh really? I’ve never heard this before. I’ve been in lots of group therapies/hospital therapy groups and was recently diagnosed with adhd. I wonder if what you described could be the case for my severe anxiousness in groups of people. Can you please elaborate on this concept?
@@girliewapisskink tbh everyone is different, and I can't speak to anyone else's personal individual experience nor give medical/psych advice. Your social anxiety could stem from many different roots, all specific to your life experience. Also, ADHD is not something I know much about; it could be that ADHD patients benefit from group sessions in ways that ASD patients seem not to (from the informal research and polling of my peers that I've done). Myself, I've only ever tried group a few times before realising it was not good for me, for the way that it instantly had me masking, deflecting, and soaking up the anxiety or pain coming off other patients in the circle. Not sure what else you'd want to know, sorry that I can't elaborate more than that.
24:43 “-I subliminally realized that there were a number of good, safe, wise and helpful adults out there who could be trusted” I’ve always wondered why I wasn’t as jaded as I thought I should’ve been. This resonates in an almost bittersweet sense 💚 Bitter in that I’d applied it incorrectly and got myself hurt further, but sweet in that it’s kept me from truly mistrusting the world and secluding. I’d found two or three truly trustworthy adults through my childhood that proved, subconsciously, there was stability and security in the world. For a long time though, I thought I didn’t deserve it. Thank you 💚
This is by far one of the biggest gems that could ever be found on RUclips. Even if we believe we don't particularly suffer from toxic shame, at least for me, there were many things she discussed here that I can easily see in myself and the way I view myself. This video I'm sure has helped so many ppl in way which are impossible to measure. Thank god there are ppl out there who truly want to help others in the way Heidi clearly wants to. 10/10! ❤
I really agree. Just stumbled on it today and I am bringing this into therapy because the way she has spoken on this topic is what I've been trying to get to know about myself. And now here it is. 🎉
Thank you for the video. I've been exploring this and I keep hearing/ reading that it takes a long time to heal from. I've even heard it can take a lifetime. And, just thinking about that shoves me down into a pit of despair so fucking deep that I have difficulty breathing. I'm not looking for a quick fix. I'm not looking for a shortcut. I accept that this will take a long time - even though I've been working on my issues for a long time now. I'm looking for a perspective that doesn't make me think that this will be a nigh-eternal slog; a perspective that doesn't make me feel like giving up. I'm middle-aged. I spent most of the first half of my life just trying to survive. Now I'm on the downhill side, and the thought of spending the rest of my life trying to heal, and, if I'm lucky, having a tiny sliver of life left at the end where I don't feel this pain all the time, well, it makes me want to burn the whole damn world to the ground. And so, my question is: How does one look at this process in a way that is anything like hopeful - in any way that doesn't lead to despair?
John Bradshaw proposed that concept, by opposition to "healthy shame", that is needed for creating boundaries. His work should be studied in high schools. His TV shows are available on youtube.
I literally choked up listening to this. It amazes me how little my fears actually mattered. When I came to terms with myself regarding the false stories and narratives I Needed to Believe-- My life became immediately more manageable. I came to many of the same conclusions presented here through a 12 Step program. Heidi's input and explanations are articulated much more clearly than I could have. However, I doubt I would have let myself believe in these theories of Attachment if I had not arrived at some of the same conclusions independently (at least in part). My insecurities (and ego) prevented me from accepting this type of "Psyo-Babble" for many, many years. When Hedi talks about how some men have no idea how to express themselves emotionaly, I just shake my head and laugh. It is so true, Ive been asked by caring friends or even therapist to "get vulnerable" or "allow myself to be vulnerable" so many times. I Never Knew What the Hell they were talking about. I was Literary not even aware of how to do these basic kindergarten level techniques to regulate myself. It's like one of those pictures that, if you stare at it longe enough, a new image will emerge. Once it's seen, it can't be unseen. However, some of us have to spend a little more time staring at the picture more than others. 🤷 I love this content you create, and thank you for all the good you do.
This is so good. I remember that I knew for sure that there was something wrong with me and that no one could ever love me if they found the hidden side of me. That this wrongness was in my genes, so I couldn't scape. That I was weird, different, unlovable in my true self. This has been my whole life, until one year ago. One day, after reading maany books, something clicked and I thought that, maybe, there wasn't anything wrong with me. That was a HUGE step that allowed me to start being vulnerable and, very slowly, talking to other human beings about my mental health. And to my surprise, nothing bad happened. They didn't run away when I showed my true self. I know I still have to work on many things, but I don't feel this huge shame of being myself anymore. And I am so grateful to people like you for helping me discover that. For a year and a half, I've been in my first honest relationship, and I know I could never have something like that without seeking for help. I am fearful avoidant, or I've been all my life, but I feel my brain is actually changing and I feel more secure every day. There is hope after the pain!!!❤ I've read Pete walker and was so helpful, but for sure I'll read your other recommendation. Thank you!!!
I went to a John Bradshaw seminar in Manhattan back in the 80s. It was INTENSE! He was so instrumental in bringing awareness to people about complex trauma (CPTSD) before it had a name.
In personality tests, I am often an extrovert...but it takes a TON of energy to be in a social situation.. just like she said. I have always craved alone time, even as a child. This makes so much sense now.
I watched John Bradshaw’s series on the family when it first aired on PBS. I like to say guilt when it refers to mistakes I made, shame could be the embarrassment of having made a mistake when I knew better, but toxic shame was when I thought “I am a mistake“
As clear and explicit as crystal waters. You are a gem to me. For me computer games was my addiction, they served a vivid imagery and i could also build fantasies and they inspired my ideological beliefs. Also when you have a highly active mind, the fast paced games extinguish intrusive thougths and worries. A long day of only playing games made me rested as not even sleep could. Today i get bored after about an hour of playing. But i do not want to quit it. I have always been ashamed to admit i play. My father gave me the games as young, took them from his job, and then he said things that made me feel useless while indulging in his gifts. Unkind reciprocity. Thanks for sharing your story about paddling a boat in the see. That was highly relatable. I was very into black metal and martial arts. I used to have and nurture this vision of me being tied to a chariot and there was a demon who held the reins. The lash of the whip would never stop, and neither would i, cause then i was weak and not deservant of the praise or position. In that vision i was stronger than the rest of the wimpy lot. I actually found that inspiring, not realizing i was completely ruthless and insensitive to my being. Always move, never stop. I worked around much of this, but i could never find that naked honesty with my therapist. My intellect and charisma often affects people, and very few people give me the benefit of the doubt. Watching you is this distant but at the same time highly mirroring and healing gift. I have decided to find and try ACA and also try therapy again. Part of me says i do not need it(naturally), but i see it also as a step for me to break my habits, my comforts and my self isolation. I also want to be able to record youtube or hold a speech about my beliefs. In Sweden we have a saying from the 1600-century: 'När skammen går på torra land' It translates as, 'When shame itself walks the dry ground' I guess i reflects this very real feeling that, when it runs your life, you are not the one walking your feet and body, the shame does. There is also this thing in northern mythology about trolls, if the sunlight hits them, they turn to stone and die. Admitting shame, to someone, can be very effective and alleviating. It is not very resistant to compassion and sunlight Thank you!
I’ve done a lot of healing but I want to read this book because I’m not totally rid of my shame. (But as I listen I realize it doesn’t go away totally to zero but can be dealt with when it hits) My therapist points it out to me when I’m in shame and I believe it’s something to do more work on. Really makes me cry thinking my will was broken as a child and I just try to comfort that child within and remind them how loved they are and worthy most of all. And I’m not even upset with my parents anymore but filled with compassion upon realizing they weren’t perfect, they were young and they may not have been shown that curious, compassionate caregiver when they were little 😢 I’m not perfect but I am working day in and day out to be the most gentle and yet confident leader my son has ever known. One that he can trust and seek comfort in while he navigates adolescence. I’m so teary writing this and I think it’s because this video found me at the perfect time when I needed it most. Just purchased the book on online. I’m also a recovering alcoholic 2.5 years and I attend meetings. I’m very interested in ACA you mentioned. I think there was dysfunction in my household and I don’t really know what caused my feeling of worthlessness I meditate nearly daily and do yoga, that has been helping me with connecting to myself. But more work needs to be done as I’m listening to your video. I’ve done a lot of work and healthy self speak but it’s not always my first instinct and even then I try to be kind to myself but more is to be done. I really appreciate this video finding me. I felt overwhelmingly sad today and here I am watching this. 🙏🩵 I really liked toward the end of your video you explained the feeling of shame and naming it out loud and then observing it 🙏 this is exactly what I’m trying to do and sometimes it’s hard to identify. This is all very helpful. I hope this comment helps someone because I’ve edited it like 10x with more thoughts. But I realized something. About 2 months ago I made a decision to stop over exercising and I have kept that promise. It felt like surrender and freedom. I’ve had these beautiful moments where I’ve said “i am worthy just as I am right now, I don’t have to do anything at all to be worthy.” I believe that is a direct result of the ending of betraying my inner voice that was saying to me “stop over exercising, you no longer need to, you are safe now.” I just wanted to share that. I don’t know who might read this but you are worthy and you can heal. I never thought I was worthy of healing and in fact self sabotaged all the time. If I can be on this journey, so can you.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I read a book recently titled ''Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'', you'll be able to figure out if there was neglect in your childhood, which may have led to feelings of worthlessness. I also partially read the book ''Adult Children of Alcoholics'' and I could relate to most of the 14 traits of ACA. Best wishes to you, Olivia.
Really fine presentation on a difficult subject, thank you. I loved the mention of John Bradshaw (rest his soul) and ACA -- both of which turned my life around in the late 1980s, when I was about your age. I remember how enormously helpful it was to finally have a *word* for what I had been experiencing all my life. People today do not understand -- "shame" is common venacular now, but in the 1980s, prior to Gershen Kaufman and John Bradshaw, there was no language to describe this emotional state. It left people feeling alone and misunderstood, even to themselves. ... Also, I teared up when you gave a shout-out to ACA groups. They were pivotal to me. They allowed me, for the first time in my life (I was about 27), to open up to other people about the pain and shame I had carried so long. Those experiences became a touchstone for what healthy relating felt like (I had very little experience of this in my family). .... I'm 61 now, and I still get whacked by shame every now and then (that's why I clicked on the video), but most of the time it is self-induced and temporary, rather than just something I carry around with me all the time -- which makes all the difference in the world. Had I not discovered Bradshaw and ACA, I hate to think what would have happened to me. I suspect I would have self-deleted. There is no more painful emotion than toxic, internalized shame.
This video just made me realize that I am addicted to self improvement. I am constantly trying to fix something wrong with me, and so long as I'm continually working on myself then I will earn whatever love comes my way. I never stop and trust that anyone loves me as is. It's as if I'm bargaining and apologizing for my existence 100% of the time. Damn that hurts
I so get that.
Wow thank you. Mee too.
wow, me 3 !
You're not alone I live this way too
💜
"The only way to relax and be authentic is to be alone." Hearing that is a lot.
Same. 😢
That is my experience. I need to be alone a lot.
😭😭😭
Q.q@@SuLawn
Same for me, ever since the 1960s as a young child.
This woman is gonna save us all
Literally
She can only show you the road, you got to walk it yoursel...f
I agree!! Amazing ✨🦋
She's definitely going to show us how to save ourselves! I've gotten more out of her videos than I have the previous 10 years of therapy.
Facts
"Somewhere in the past, your will was broken." Absolutely true, and absolutely heartbreaking.
That hit home for me too and led to a life of letting people use and abuse me just trying to get accepted for who I am.
This rang a bell for me too. It was inevitable for me to recapitulate those moments that made me think that I was totally shattered and therefore worthless. We will make it together. Big hugs for both of you
My mother apologized to me as an adult. She was well into her battle with Lewy Body Disease & very humbly said to me,"I'm sorry I broke your spirit, Audrey. No one should ever do that to a child."
While getting that acknowledgement from her was a beautiful & validating experience, it did not undo the profound & lasting effects my traumatic upbringing caused in me. I've worked very hard for nearly 4 decades trying to heal & overcome it all....
That quote spoke to me in my bones.
I'll be ordering Bradshaw's book ASAP
@@MsAudreytoo Too little, too late
@@MsAudreytoowow she admitted to it?! That’s ‘nice’ but doesn’t undo any of the harm done to you.
It was my mom too that broke me I am just learning through this video.
Holy shit. I just broke down crying. I've been working so much on myself for years, I've been to therapy twice, and only now all of it finally makes sense. How natural lying comes to me, the addictions, the feeling of being better & smarter & more capable (if I'd choose to try) than people around me while simultaneously thinking of myself as rotten to the core, the frequent meltdowns where I cut off everyone, that I'm very good at talking about vulnerable topics without actually being vulnerable, never having experienced REAL intimacy in all my relashionships, my approaching panic attacks as soon as someone catches a glimpse of "me" behind all my guards and masks and filters, the constant feeling of walking on the edge of a cliff...
This changed a lot for me. I feel like I can finally work on the underlying issue rather than patching up symptom after symptom. Thank you so much for this video 💜
(This is hard to post. Even while opening up I HAVE to have control, every word has to be carefully chosen so no stranger on the internet would ever see sth of me I did not intend to show 🙃)
❤ to you, very courageous ❤
That is so well put, I feel it. Being able to talk about vulnerable things without actually being vulnerable. It must be why I end up failing a lot of friendships I try to create. People sense I have a veil. Or I seem judgemental, when truth of what I attempt to be is so far from that. Thanks for sharing a glimpse of something that was hard to show, even to internet strangers :)
I felt this comment in my bones, it feels surreal to see a stranger describe my own situation so precisely in such vivid detail. I don't know you, but I know that you've got this ♡
🥹Thank you 🙏🏾
Thank you.
“Addictive behaviors in the shame-bound person develop as a replacement for human intimacy.” Wow, I feel called out
Omggg 🥺
Same... making appointments for therapy.
and when you find human intimacy, if you're addicted to something, sometimes the addiction gets in the way of what you originally wanted to begin with!!
You could also check out Gabor Mate's views on trauma and addiction !
Thanks for quoting her. Needed this so much.
14:29 "To be shame-bound means that from a young age we learned that there was something wrong with the fact that we have feelings." annnd now I'm crying at work.
❤️
Growing up, I remember when I used to have a stepfather who would shame me for being too emotional.
@@lunamoth7044 Yeah, old man who grow up with an old men who grow up with an old men ect that did the same to them. Forsaken little boys in an old man body, I pray for them, and for us to stop being one of them.
Not gonna lie, that's why I don't watch videos like these unless I'm prepared to cry. This one is definitely hitting hard.
@@heidipriebe1 I was a toddler when I learned that there was something inherently wrong with me. I'm still afraid to show anger. In the last decade, I've cried once. I'm used to the former but the latter is worrying.
I’ve lived my entire life stuck in fantasy books, and I’m now looking up from 12+ hours every day on fanfiction and realizing that I have an intolerance for staying present. It might be because of ADHD, but I can’t believe that’s all of it.
I’ve thought I’m addicted to stories before, but it always felt like an excuse. I want to be the people in my stories. I want to live their lives and have their friends and eat their food and run and jump and cry and laugh as them. Who needs this husk of a body? Who needs this discard of a mind?
This feels too over the top to post, and I want to delete it, but I also, really, really want to move on. Thank you for posting this video and helping so many people, including myself.
Your post isnt over the top. It was very well articulated and I actually relate to it. I feel obsessed with imagination based books/ movies/ stories etc. and being imaginative is where I live in my mind. It is an escape of some sort but I never really figured out the nuances because sometimes it’s hard to figure out which part is trauma and which is just something I love. But I feel my happiest within this scope. I know that there is an element to it from ADHD also.. maladaptive daydreaming. It’s interesting once you start figuring out how all these things connect. I almost deleted my comment too and thought oh its too long but then you encouraged me to just speak my mind given your comment about it towards the end. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ^_^
Thanks both of you for sharing I relate
I feel you too! I have always lived in my fantasies too. I also have ADHD. I’ve always wanted to write my own stories too, but I am to scared that they won’t be good enough. When they are just fantasies in my head, no one can judge them, no one can say they aren’t good enough. And I can keep fantasizing about becoming a writer because I haven’t been rejected yet. But I’m getting older now and since I haven’t written my stories down, it starts to feel more and more pathetic to keep pretending that I’ll be a writer someday. If I don’t get this figured out soon, I won’t have failed and been rejected because I wrote a bad story, I’ll fail and be rejected because I never even managed to get myself to try. 🤦♀️
@@ResurgentVoicePlease give it an authentic try. You need to try. Now. Now is not too late to start.
I've got Aspergers and Disorganized attachment, not ADHD, but I'm a musician and am just starting to write songs and learn to sing. Was told I sucked at singing back in my teenage years (I'm 29), and I hated anything I wrote. I also felt hopeless since most songs are love songs and I've had a very infrequent love life. What the hell, I'll write about women rejecting me and/or leaving me. I'll play music every day because it's what I need to do to be happy
Don't feel like your writing isn't good enough. It's much better than u think. If u practice writing (maybe short stories) everyday, you'll get better and better. Then the stories that are ur favorites u can self publish. The ones that aren't your favorites, you don't have to make those public, but don't be embarrassed that they exist in your laptop. Even the bad content is good enough to just exist, because it helped u practice and learn to make your good stuff. The best is yet to come.
Never stop being creative- I think thats the real cause of depression.
I relate to this so much. It was especially true when I was growing up, using books as escapism and imaging what it would be like to be someone else. I had such hard time making friends and I wanted so much to meet people that were like those characters. It's still difficult for me to make friends. I'm starting to wonder if that'll ever change.
Oh, so that's exactly the feeling I get of "I cannot be around other people right now" because I'm in a bad mood and know I dont have the emotional energy to rally and Act Normal.
Wow, YES.
Me tonight. I just had a conversation with my flatmate where I was very heavy because I'm in a bad mood and i used an impatient tone. He actually biked away mid conversation and I said in a passive aggressive tone, "see you at home, then." Now I'm trying to work out how to cook dinner without running into anyone (I live with 6 people 🙃)
Hearing this so hard. I really struggled with this the most in high school, couldn't tell people the reason because I didn't want them to think I was bad. Hopefully, people can be more honest in the future despite their struggles.
I was raped as a child, I never told anyone. In my entire life. Recently I told my partner, he mentioned about your video. Each and every word of you is so true. Thank you.
May deep healing find you at the pace that is right for you. You never deserved any of that trauma and are a wonderful person inherently deserving of love.
I hope you find peace and that your life be filled with happiness.
I apologize for my wording but I am proud that you've taken steps towards finding that joy. Best wishes
You are incredibly brave for sharing such a thing. I too was attacked as a child. And as a man, I’m supposed to be the initiator of romantic stages; the pursuer in the bedroom. It took a long; long; LONG time for me to overcome the fear that showing someone physical affection in a romantic way would somehow harm them. It helped that I found a partner who was incredibly patient and gentle with me. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in my 30s. 🤦🏻♂️😂. But it’s ok. I’m glad you are healing. I am too. May we both continue on our journey’s forward. ❤️
You can get through this ❤️🫶
You showed great courage telling your partner, and telling us here. And it's angering because it was not your fault, not your shame to carry. I hope you are receiving the support you need to free yourself from this traumatic experience.
37:00 The most painful part about healing is remembering back to all the moments of self-doubt, and imagining where you would have been in life if it were not for the abuse we suffered.
The grief of realising that i have spent 40years hiding and deliberately not engaging with life is the hardest thing to bear.
Yep... It's all lessons
Yeah, it's all sucks so much, honestly I don't understand why do I live haha
I think sometimes that this just leads to painful regret or sense of loss. As I feel we can't say how our lives would have turned out even if we were raised in a "safe family".
@@lesliemctavish4300I prefer to believe that radical acceptance and even love of reality no matter how painful it can be, leads to genuine happiness and even late in one's 70s or 80s it could still be sweeter than having 60 years of not living the truth.
“Core wounds that kicked us off our own teams” that’s a great way of expressing it
The first time you 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😮😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😮😢😢😮😢😮😢😢😢😢 3:30 😢i😢😢years gone yfrom now 😮😮😮
That hit hard for me, too. I had to stop for a few minutes to let it sink in…. I’ve never heard it put in such a specific and understandable way.
Yes. After hearing this, Groucho's famous joke just hit me in a whole new light: "I wouldn't join any club that would have ME as a member!"
@@ChannelMath not to take away from the comparison, but that comes from the contradiction that the reason you'd want to join a club is because membership elevates you, but at the same time the reason a club would want you as a member is because your membership elevates the club.
❤
"All of us kind of suck sometimes." Such simple and honest truths like this make these heady, heavy topics so approachable. Heidi is the best!
True. The problem in my experience is more that I see people who suck a lot getting more than people who suck very little
@@closethockeyfan5284 it is usually because people who suck a lot know how to manipulate others to get what they want. on the other hand, good people give too much cuz deep down they crave for love/attention but it causes them to be used by others, so they don't get what they want.
Been distracting myself from facing my feelings for 40 years. Thanks to my wife and this RUclipsr, just starting to work on my shit. Thank you!
By far the coolest comment! Best of best wishes to you and your wife!
Your wife truly LOVES you.. ❤️❤️❤️
so proud of you stranger, keep on going !!! i hope everything feels lighter for you already although the journey is long ❤️🩹
I love this- makes me wanna tear up a little. How was she able to get you to begin looking and understanding and accepting?
@pelligroovy I believe only true and unselfish love is capable to move ppl to want to change. But the actual work has to be done by the individual who needs to change. How wonderful that this gentleman found true love and took courage from that love to start the path towards healing. It means he loves his wife too and want to be a better husband. Rooting for them and for everyone who wants to change for better and to heal past wounds to feel better 🎉💞🙏🏻
Do any of you ever feel like there's some kind of psychological road block/barrier that keeps bouncing you back to the same spot whenever you try to make a major improvement or upgrade to your life?
Yes its called the devil. Sorry he is actually real.
Did you collect some more info about this? I would appreciate if you want to share. It could be a limiting believe that manifests like: I’m not worthy of this thing
Anyone else think there's also a secret pathological pleasure in thinking you are uniquely terrible? Like, "at least I'm special"? That it might feel like a loss to realize you are just like everyone else? Or is that just another fantasy to distract yourself with?
Definitely another fantasy to help cope. I can relate to that a lot. Believing that maybe I’m supposed to be the supervillain of the story is something I’ve done to justify my own existence. If I lose my shame, then I’m not the supervillain anymore therefore I cannot justify my own existence.
I like the way you think.❤
I think the popularity surge of mental health and trauma throughout the years on social media have made me like this. I think there’s something satisfying about being able to have such traumatic experiences that shock other people but don’t seem to bother me when I share them. Something about having “gone through more shit” than the average person makes me feel like I’m better or even just more “relatable” to others.
@@kirstencabatu yes, I have felt something similar, at least to some degree. In my case it might be a twisted way to get validation -- "see when I share a tiny sliver of my experience people are horrified!! This proves how awful my life has been!!" In really bad moods this turns into obsessions with figuring out the exact words to use to hurt someone emotionally -- "see if I know how to hurt you, this proves how much I was hurt by others!!"
It's screwed up, though at least I'm recognising the patterns
Definitely, I totally understood what u were saying
The anxiety I feel due to the shame is so intense.
Ditto my friend 😢
Same
Addiction to self-help books, addiction to fantasy, and addiction to travel. I've never heard myself so accurately described. I feel so naked. 😳
Same 😂❤
It’s like your my best friend
Wow travel addiction. I didn’t realize that was a thing. In the back of my mind I knew this was unhealthy but seeing someone I admire like you admit it has helped. I struggle to connect with other people as a neurodiverse person. Travel has distracted me from how empty I feel, but it’s served its purpose and I see this now.
I'm ashamed of being ashamed. I'm still learning.
This!
My toxic shame comes from my dad. Growing up, he used sometimes watch my siblings and I, saying nothing, with a look of disappointment, angry, and/or annoyance. It made us uncomfortable and guilty for no reason and made it hard for us to feel free at home. I sometimes felt he hated us or just really didn’t know how to be kind to his own kids but was super friendly with strangers
✅
HOLY FUCKING SHIT ME TOO!!!! I have NEVER encountered another person who has spoken of this sort of issue before. It was so weird and made it difficult to have friends over. I spent a lot of time finding ways to just be out of the house and always had some excuse as to why I couldn't have people over. It was a dismal and lonely way to grow up. Still to this day I am almost 25 and cannot even make a full meal in the kitchen while he is in there. We've found other ways to bond as of late, but that one piece I don't know that I'll ever fully overcome.
@@ZebrasAreAwesome011 Damn same boat. My mother and father were both narcs who tag teamed took turns in instilling deep shame in me, just for merely existing as a innocent child. No attentive care yet always there watching me uncomfortably this dooming creepy feeling like im stalked in my own home. This trauma has taken away from me the safety to clearly see and judge hence being a magnet for predators all my life. Caregivers facial expressions help a child develop. I have an autistic toddler now and we sit every day bonding through different facial expressions and make silly faces. I have a facial expressions/feelings chart on fridge. My inner child is healing through loving him. You’re not alone
He sounds like my father.
He made it clear that he didn’t like us or particularly want us around.
We couldn’t be ‘normal’ children because us being ‘normal’ would mean him being in a foul mood/angry.
@@Healingflower313_i couldn’t relate more. Happy to hear you’re thriving and giving your little one a safe home. ❤
My mother was/is still deeply disapproving of my joy and desire for connection. From toddlerhood, if I was playing and having fun, being joyful with friends, she had this hateful look of disapproval that is all I ever saw of her face. It made me fear having friends visit. It made me isolate and alienate myself to keep on her right side. I have come to realise as an adult that she deliberately isolated me by disapproving of my joy, my need for connection so I could tend only to her and her needs. Her narcissism is so deliberate and destructive, it beggars belief. To this day, I’m still soothing myself the morning after -whenever I go out with friends, especially to nights of music, food, dancing - any kind of enjoyable night - and wake up with that hateful feeling of dread and anxiety. Even though I live a million miles from her, pay my own bills and live on my own, have a job. Still, a night of joy and connection is something to be fearful of.
To all of us on this journey, may we go free of this shame. Remember others in your prayers. If we are parts of one whole, our sustained prayers for each other will and must free us all faster than we can dare to dream. All is not lost.
For those who cannot afford therapy, I share this tip that has made the most powerful difference to my healing journey from the best therapist I’ve had: find photos of your baby self up until 7 years of age. Frame them and bring them out in the open, talk to your children. Become their parent. Kiss them, soothe them, take them with you to your bed. Get your teddies and surround them with them, buy new teddy bears if you have to. Become the parent you needed and never got.
Soothe and nurture your inner child. It is a profoundly healing act of self-love. Even if it is only one photo, get it and speak to that little girl or boy. May the Divine free us all.
Thank you for sharing with beautiful and poignant words
Thank you. Be blessed💖🙏😘✨🧙♂🥰
Thinking back, in my first infant photos I was a happy baby with clear big eyes, hungry for experience and connection. In later photos I was often crying or spaced out.
Thank you for sharing this. I started to cry as I read the suggestion about baby pictures so I guess that's an evident thing for me now to apply this into my life.Thank you 🙏🏻🥹💞
My grandma used to have “midnight chats” with me when I would visit her over summer break. These chats were about how sinful the world is, how my parents were too lenient, and how all my friends and roughly 99.9% of the world were going to Hell. She’d discuss sins I’d committed that day, like dancing to my A-Teens CD or wearing a “revealing” bathing suit (for context, I was in elementary school at this time 🙃). She said it all with such conviction that I believed her and internalized it all and existed in a state of constant guilt. Now I’m in my 30s and have only just begun to shed that toxic shame. It’s been scary but so good. It feels like I can breathe again for the first time since I was like 5.
When we are in the dark, we CANNOT think our way out, we must FEEL our way out! ( I went to 5 therapists for 10 yrs) it is NOT enough to debate the shadow/unconscious wounds within our mind/psyche- We still get pushed around by our toxic inner voice because WE NEED TO RECOVER THE EMOTIONAL ENERGY activating these toxic thoughts- IT IS THE EMOTIONAL WOUND that keeps triggering the toxic shame. If we can become aware of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS by focusing on OUR DEEPEST feelings, putting ALLL OUR ATTENTION on our PHYSICAL BODY, we can practice releasing & soothing this ENERGY & the toxic shame will diminish. (Even counting our breath can help break the mental shame loop) BUT only if we work to EMBRACE & EXPAND OUR EMOTIONAL SELF AWARENESS! Otherwise we will keep acting out our childhood shame program. Thoughts DONT SOLVE PAIN, FEELING OUR FEELINGS resolves pain. And this requires digging really deeply & being very very honest with ourselves & learning WHAT we are really feeling. (BUT most of us will run away from our difficult feelings into distractions or blame others or GET STUCK IN OUR THOUGHT LOOPS.) Debating in our head is useless & leaves us exhausted & broken because no one can put out a painful fire with words! DEEP work into the core of body's feelings requires time alone EVERY DAY without alcohol/drugs/media. (I found ASMR video's & meditation outdoors very helpful to RESET MY BODY turning off my trauma mind LOOP). It also requires life changes. We cannot remain around abusive family or addictions because THE SHAME MONSTER WILL KEEP RETURNING until we rebuild our life in a safe & quiet place. (Sitting in my car/park/bedroom/office/bathroom for 5 minutes a day silently paying attention to my feelings in my body & letting them out-CHANGED MY LIFE I cried/raged & felt terrified, but eventually I got use to my core child-like feelings INSTEAD of TRYING TO MASK/REPRESSED or CONTROL MY THOUGTS) At first it is like a tidal wave of feelings knocking our mind & body downwards & we can even get very sick (because our feelings unexpressed build up TENSION IN OUR BODIES over years) but eventually, we can get USE TO OUR TRUTHFUL FEELINGS. After practicing my feelings, and getting to know the truth about my inner needs, I can now FIND MY BALANCE quicker after getting upset and MY BOUNDARIES are way STRONGER! Shame removes our inner truth by cutting us off from our true feelings, so we become lost. BY DIRECTLY FEELING our true feelings IN ANY SITUATION we can bypass our toxic thoughts & go to the core of the matter putting out the fire before the SHAME LOOP gets activated. Before we just ignored our feelings TO PROTECT OURSELVES & ended up in shitty situations. I got to know what I felt rather than performing for others & losing my sense of self. Now when I feel uncomfortable around someone, I realize my BODY & FEELINGS are WARNING me to take CARE of my needs & disabilities. So I can now protect myself. TOXIC shame blinds us to our true self. But healthy powerful shame warns us & protects us, shifting us back onto our true pathI
Thank you for this ❤
hi ! thank you ! can you share your contact info ? what you say here really hits me
Thank you so much
Toçi shame blinds us to toxic people.. Thanks for your thoughts on this. Very helpful and well written 👍
Hi can you please tell more about how does one truly know what they feel and let it out? What are the exact steps to follow? What to do if something happened that made us feel uncomfortable or have negative feelings towards something that might happen in the future, how to stop those negative feelings and just let it go? thanks in advance.
Something small triggered the shame reflex today and I'm desperately fighting my previous tendencies to withdraw from all my friends and hide under a rock. I was doing so well, but this little thing brought me back to the "you thought you were better? You're just acting. You're not healed, it's just another mask. You're still the same damaged person you've always been. You're just ACTING healed". Fortunately...because I AM HEALED...I can identify that it's Just a temporary backslide. I came to this video for reassurance 😅 shame is tough
Thank you for sharing this, this happened to me this week and Its still looming around, I am fighting the urge to sabotage my healing. This video is helpful
I feel like it’s helped me to think of healing as a continuous progress. I’ll never be “healed” or get over all of my traumas and that’s…. Okay. There’s not something wrong with me that needs to be overcome. I’m a human being and I’ll continue to get over things.
Thank you for sharing this. Helped me to understand my situation. 💚✌
Great job!
One thing I will add: it is possible to present your authentic self and not get validation over and over again and it can put you into the shame/anxiety/depression loop. In my personal experience, the lack of validation and shame/anxiety/depression loop when I was authentic was showing me that I was still too reliant on external validation as a means for self-compassion. 🚫 when my self-compassion/nurturing/comfort should never be contingent on validation from others because I should be safe and secure within self. This is especially important for those who are here to “shake things up” and be a pillar of change for evolution. I call these people the sacred rebels who are not afraid to speak up to trigger healing in others. 🙏🏻
I have to push myself to write this, as I'm afraid to reveal what an asshole I am lol, but I just want to say thank you so much for taking the time to validate such a big part of my life experience. I have felt such deep shame over every aspect of my being, including my drug issues that I've obviously developed to soothe the original shame, loneliness, and emptiness that I've experienced for so long.
Great work! I'm really glad I found your channel.
I felt this in my soul. You are not alone ❤
Same here. Shame about self medicating, which I developed from having shame from other mistakes I've made.
Same! It's hard to admit even to strangers! But this is part of the healing process. It's about what happened to us not what's wrong with us.
🤗
You had me at asshole lol
Heidi, you're literally so underrated. You've helped me understand myself so much and I couldn't be more thankful. 🥺
Literally?
@@rlud304really?
Yeah, for sure! When Heidi tells me something new that’s amazing. I was stuck in the disorganized anxious avoidant attachment style for like 40 years. I had zero friends and almost all family members disowned me. They all had the same attachment style though 😂
Oh, and I don’t have debilitating and complete CPTSD. That was so bad, omg!
“Governed by a feeling of being contaminated.” Well put!
**Steps towards Authenticity**
21:30 - Entertain the idea of a neutral self
23:27 - Seek out mirrors for yourself within solitude
26:24 - The Stripping Down Process
30:06 - Abstain from addictions
Thank you!
Thank you so much
if only every single person could honestly and effortfully absorb this type of content, who knows what humanity would look like
this is relatable im always thinking in the back of my head "im sorry for existing."
I’m only 17 and I struggle with the depressive episodes so bad that I fail to function at times. All my life I tried and failed to explain to people around me that I pretend to be someone I’m not, but I can’t control it and I don’t know what to do. No one ever understood what this “feeling like I’m not myself” meant. This video pretty much changed my life. I genuinely thought I was alone in this and the whole idea of “lying” to therapists, being a part of pretending to be someone you’re not unintentionally, was so relatable that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I want to try to get better and to love life again. It seems so hard now but I hope one day I can look back and thank myself for starting my healing journey early in life.
🥹🙏🏾
start and never give up or stop.
Hey. You won't believe me, but I'm also 17 years old and I'm going through EXACTLY the same problem you described. Don't feel alone in this. I swear I was so happy reading your comment because I felt so understood...
coming from someone only a couple of years older and in almost the same place at your age, there is so much hope and time to develop your Self. good luck
I hear you man I’m 18, praying for you bro🙏🏾 we got this.
I love Brene Brown's extensive research and work on shame. I think she sums it up beautifully with 'Guilt can be healthy, shame is always destructive. Guilt is: what I did was wrong/bad. Shame is: what I AM is wrong/bad.'
Some may say it's semantics, but language has power. Beautiful video, Heidi.
Most African Americans if not all, deal with toxic shame, sad to say I see both sides of the spectrum all the time in my community. For some reason these behaviors caused me to develop an INFJ-A personality type, so I tend to be very altruistic and purpose driven, my life’s goal is to integrate this information into my community because it’s most definitely needed, thank you for your amazing work! ❤🙏🏽🏆
Infj-t 4w5 here… is this like, a thing with us?
Infj checking in I thought I was burned out for a few years I just sort of gave up or gave in and stopped trying to be the gifted kid turned gifted adult because as black/aa man in the US ... I started to believe in my own rejection and start to believe in the lie, I let imposter syndrome and victimhood define me. I stopped trying to save myself and be my own hero, I started to believe I wasn't good enough but the feedback was overwhelming and suicide started to invade my waking thoughts for a few years... But like Heidi Preibe says who actually chooses this? Not black men
You don't develop a personality type, especially not infj, those guys are very weird people (not in a negative sense) it's entirely genetic, you are like this or you aren't since birth, what you're talking about is the way your environment changed you, which is normal
@@shro_okee yes I agree, however most
“Typologies” acknowledge this. The theory of cognitive functions themselves stem from the way a person grows and a adapts to their environment. I think it’s worth looking into and is loosely applicable, especially for those of us invested in self-discovery, but it relies on pretty loose theories without much research to back any of it up. However, I think it’s fun and harmless.
@@wombat7961 surrender or all up + trust your gut. Sending you Love ❤
Holy. Moly. I've watched so many videos. Trying figure myself out. I've looked at personality disorders, BPD, autism. While I can say, "oh. Maybe. Maybe not", But this video has opened a whole new level of self realization. Wow.
I am literally jumping out of my skin to share this with my partner. This has been one of the most important videos I have seen in a long time, and I’ve been binging. I so appreciate your intelligence, humanity, perspective and clarity of thought.
Nope. You’re not LITERALLY jumping out of your skin. That’s the complete opposite of what literally means. It means “actually.” Are you actually jumping out of your skin? No, you’re not.
@@rlud304 Grammarian! Touché. I was figuratively jumping.
@@bigradio9396 Congrats!!! Wishing you and your partner much joy along your journey!
@@rlud304 the usage of language keeps changing, this is how lots of people talk nowadays
@@rlud304 chill out, dude. She's excited that she's finally feeling understood etc and you need to examine why you needed to be a Grammar Nazi and put her down. Asshole move.
She mentions John Bradshaw and massively recommends it. That’s like underselling it, omg, sentence by sentence you’ll read it and get blown away, it’s that powerful. Amazing book.
I have the book on hold at my library because of this video. I can't wait to pick it up and read it.
As a wrestling fan of long years I just cannot get over the author name lmao
I don't know if it's because English is not my first language, but I got bored after the first couple of pages 😪 oh well
I’m 41 and I’ve kept myself out of romantic relationships with other people my entire life. The story you told about seeing yourself needing to be on that raft furiously paddling, as well as needing to avoid emotional mirrors speaks so much to me. I’ve made so much progress over the last 10 years. I feel increasing less shame and just a deep well of sadness and grief often for myself now. I remember hearing a quote I saw somewhere a long time back in which a psychiatrist recounts something a alcoholic patient of theirs told them. This person had said that they felt like they walked through life being like a movie extra, a background character in the lives of other people. That quote struck me to my core when I heard it and is very much how I’ve kept myself in the lives of other people. I can see it’s a role I play to keep myself safe. The price is so incredibly high though. Thank you for all the invaluable work you do with your videos!
You are worthy of love, just like every person is, just try and get out there, even in tiny increments, talk to people, elderly people, friends, a neighbor, whoever, practice. I've had an underlying feeling that I was unworthy of love romantically and would choose toxic partners who would confirm that to be true, so I set myself up. I am finally realizing how that belief has just kept me alone Sending you a big hug ❤️
@@cherylpa527 thank you so much for this. This is wonderfully kind and I really needed to hear this today!
@@Locut0s ❤️ ❤️❤️
@@Locut0s Your post or your believe about yourself made me cry. You are the number one! In your life but also in other peoples life. You are my number one in this very moment. May you feel and know you are love(d)❤. May you know and feel blessed. May you know you matter . May you be forgiven.
27 here and right here with you
Sometimes when I join group settings I just be super polite, cagy and sometimes I feel like every single person have a “real personality” and they have huge presence and this is me I feel bland, smaller than them and super inferior!
While I have spent my whole life trying to prove that I am a good person the result was proof that I am horrid/shameful. The struggle has been a real for 50+ years. Recently it has become so in my face I struggle to breathe. I just grabbed hope by the hand. Thank you Heidi and to everyone who has commented.
"This is simply the way you adapted to the way you were raised", says it all. Time for me to re-read Bradshaw.
Thank you. I just found out about chronic / toxic shame and I am starting my search into healing. My father was a good man, but b/c of his dysfunction he newer validated me my entire life. I can't understands or rationalize how a father can have this behavior towards his child, wife, mother, etc. This behavior is called emotional denial. My father studied to be an artist. He did oil paintings, pottery, wood carvings, stone and marble carvings, with a talent rivaling DaVinci. You would think that a man that was so emotionally dead inside could not be so creative. I have picture of him playing with me when I was about 2 and 3 years old. Then at about 5 years old he became emotionally dead. He never validated me from then on and I was plagued with Chronic / Toxic shame my entire life. I didn't think I made a mistake, I thought I was a mistake. Not until came across John Bradshaw's work was I able to start to heal.
Toxic shame attack. Definitely have those. Never thought to call them that. I am FINALLY at the noticing stage. I didn't feel the toxic shame attacks or really any feelings for so long. The noticing my feelings stage is actually so much more painful than I expected. Sheesh.
I started crying after hearing the words that I haven't allowed myself to say out loud, what a great video
I've been absolutely alone and absolutely valueless my whole life - mother just passing down her own trauma. It's so painful but so helpful to listen to this woman
OMG! The only thing you left out was stating my name in this story of me and my life.😢
This is so incredible, I'm shaking in my skin!💔😢
I've never heard me, explained so clearly and concisely!
❤❤❤
Yep me too
That's exactly what I felt myself. I ghost everyone for a week then come back
me too
Yeah that’s me. A good example for that is that I have extreme anxiety over celebrating my birthday … being in the Center of attention, having to “fake” good mood for a few hours. Also I am very adaptable and act with different friends all differently. So I am afraid what they will think of me seeing me in “another role”. Fear of disappointing the expectations of my friends and them thinking of me as a loser … when actually it’s all about spending the days with beloved people …
Wow Ive never resonated with a statement more especially the one about friends
@@ChelsIsChosen I am sorry to hear that, on the other side I am glad that I am not the only one feeling like that ^^
Same here! I didnt celebrate a single birthday from ages 9 to 20. Also relate to morphing my personality depending on who was around and had trouble with the notion of mixing friend groups. Crazy how similar the things we experience can be
God damn it. My whole personality is built around toxic shame :(
There's so much toxic shame in me that it's easily overlooked. It's beyond comprehension how omnipresent this feeling can actually be!
I feel the same as you .
Meditation and a yearbook might help.... a chaneller told me that.
I definitely feel u. I’ve been walking around my whole life pretending to be someone I’m not, just to avoid being seen as less by others. I never knew this was such a universal experience until now.
Same!!! 😭
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:14 🌱 *Discusses the importance of understanding and healing from toxic shame for recovery from attachment wounds and trauma.*
00:27 🛑 *Defines toxic shame as a feeling of being fundamentally flawed or corrupt at the core.*
01:52 🔄 *Distinguishes between healthy shame, which helps maintain boundaries, and toxic shame, which is a deep-seated belief in one's inherent worthlessness.*
03:55 🔗 *Links toxic shame to insecure attachment styles and complex PTSD.*
04:24 💔 *Explains that toxic shame often originates from early core wounds that break a child's will and self-worth.*
07:17 🎭 *Reveals that people with toxic shame tend to create a false persona and feel unable to be authentic in social settings.*
09:07 🪞 *Highlights the disconnection between one's real and fake self, leading to emotional turmoil.*
11:11 🚫 *Discusses the avoidance of psychological mirrors and intimacy due to the fear of being truly seen.*
14:07 🧭 *Talks about losing touch with inner wisdom and relying on fantasy or logic to avoid real feelings.*
17:03 🔄 *Mentions the development of addictive behaviors as a replacement for true human connection.*
19:22 🛣️ *Describes the healing process from toxic shame as a journey towards embracing one's true self.*
21:30 🤔 *Introduces the concept of developing a 'neutral self' to counter extreme views of oneself.*
23:36 📚 *Suggests seeking mirrors in solitude through books and resources to understand and overcome toxic shame.*
26:06 🕵️♂️ *Encourages revisiting one's life story to understand and dismantle negative beliefs about oneself.*
31:09 🚫 *Recommends abstaining from addictive behaviors to confront underlying shame.*
35:09 💬 *Emphasizes the importance of facing, sitting with, and being present with the feeling of shame.*
37:00 🔍 *Encourages discovering one's true self beneath the layers of toxic shame.*
38:25 🌟 *Discusses the final step of healing: reintegrating the authentic self into the world.*
Made with HARPA AI
Thank you for this 💝
Nice
I always said dad broke my spirit but as you described it, dad broke my “will” is a good description.
I'm just gonna throw this out there out of my own sheer frustration of a possible link to all of this as well.
A majority of us were taught- from birth- that we are born "bad" and literally undeserving...from organized religion
Like..???🤦🏽♀️
This will automatically bleed into other areas of life. We aren't only healing parenting but ideologies as well. This is massive WORK. I'm so tired.
I know yall are, too, though.
So ignore my fussing and keep going. Xo
I adore this channel. Thank you for sharing all these videos. They're changing my life. ❤
You're not fussing at all! You're absolutely right!
This is fantastic stuff. I relate to so many of the comments from people who are overjoyed at hearing this concept. It gives us hope for healing.
I only had to reply to this comment because I'm a religious person who, when hearing this video, and reading part of Bradshaw's book about healing toxic shame, can TOTALLY understand why people would associate their toxic shame with their "religion" experience. But I also know that churches are just organizations with people running them, though trying their best to follow what they understand their God to be. Those people can so easily be people carrying their own toxic shame and passing it on with unintentionally abusive behaviors. As a devout follower I can only say I know there are those religious people who are like that, but they are not the embodiment of the church. They are only imperfect members. But for so many people their church and religion are sources of peace and understanding and a supportive community. I just fear that "religion" will be criticized, when in fact it's actually just toxic people who should be recognized as the source of pain or abuse. These things should be separated. Devout folks are most often very kind, generous, forgiving people because that's what religion teaches.
Or maybe your church got the doctrine wrong about "original sin," or maybe it was just taught wrong. ???
@@blackjay5338 highly, if not more than likely possible. ♡
@@blackjay5338 what is the "right" way to describe "original sin"
Thank you, I've spent a lifetime feeling like I am a mistake and that I never should have existed.
This is so interesting. Sounds like IFS would be helpful here too, potentially. The shame is a part of us, not the whole. And to talk to that part: “hi Shame, I know you’re trying to protect me. Thank you for doing this over the years, but I don’t need that any more. I can survive this. I’m not a kid anymore and I know now that it’s safe to make mistakes” or similar…
Will def be rewatching this video many times I think. Thank you!
Yes, I have tried to do that soooo many times....but the shame part will get away with shaming me and in the end, I would listen to it and would isolate from everybody. It is so deep inside of me for so many years, I dont know how to get rid of it
@@mariacliment2767 Even if you feel like it takes over in the end, the fact that you are noticing it is the sign that you are making progress. I am betting that there have been times that you felt it coming and that in turn made the shame attack smaller. You are on your journey to recovery.
@@Somun-a Yeah, this is true. I have never seen it this way. Thanks for sharing🥰🙏
@@mariacliment2767When we are in the dark, we CANNOT think our way out, we must FEEL our way out! I went to 5 therapists for 10 yrs, without help. it is NOT enough to debate the shadow/unconscious wounds within our mind/psyche- that is why talk therapy does not work! We all know we have problems but we still get pushed around by our toxic inner voice because WE NEED TO RECOVER THE EMOTIONAL ENERGY activating these toxic thoughts- IT IS THE EMOTIONAL WOUND that keeps triggering the toxic shame. If we can become aware of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS by focusing on OUR DEEPEST feelings, putting ALLL OUR ATTENTION on our PHYSICAL BODY, we can practice releasing & soothing this ENERGY & the toxic shame will diminish. (Even counting our breath can help break the mental shame loop) BUT only if we work to EMBRACE & EXPAND OUR EMOTIONAL AWARENESS! Otherwise we will keep acting out our childhood shame program. Thoughts DONT SOLVE PAIN, FEELING OUR FEELINGS resolves pain. And this requires digging really deeply & being very very honest with ourselves & learning WHAT we are really feeling. (BUT most of us will run away from our difficult feelings into distractions or blame others or GET STUCK IN OUR THOUGHT LOOPS.) Debating in our head is useless & leaves us exhausted & broken because no one can put out a painful fire with words! DEEP work into the core of body's feelings requires time alone EVERY DAY without alcohol/drugs/media. (I found ASMR video's & meditation outdoors very helpful to RESET MY BODY turning off my trauma mind LOOP). It also requires life changes. We cannot remain around abusive family or addictions because THE SHAME MONSTER WILL KEEP RETURNING until we rebuild our life in a safe & quiet place. (Sitting in my car/park/bedroom/office/bathroom for 5 minutes a day silently paying attention to my feelings in my body & letting them out-CHANGED MY LIFE I cried/raged & felt terrified, but eventually I got use to my core child-like feelings INSTEAD of TRYING TO MASK/REPRESSED or CONTROL MY THOUGTS) At first it is like a tidal wave of feelings knocking our mind & body downwards & we can even get very sick (because our feelings unexpressed build up TENSION IN OUR BODIES over years) but eventually, we can get USE TO OUR TRUTHFUL FEELINGS. After practicing my feelings, and getting to know the truth about my inner needs, I can now FIND MY BALANCE quicker after getting upset and MY BOUNDARIES are way STRONGER! Shame removes our inner truth by cutting us off from our true feelings, so we become lost. BY DIRECTLY FEELING our true feelings IN ANY SITUATION we can bypass our toxic thoughts & go to the core of the matter putting out the fire before the SHAME LOOP gets activated. Before we just ignored our feelings TO PROTECT OURSELVES & ended up in shitty situations. I got to know what I felt rather than performing for others & losing my sense of self. Now when I feel uncomfortable around someone, I realize my BODY & FEELINGS are WARNING me to take CARE of my needs & disabilities. So I can now protect myself. TOXIC shame blinds us to our true self. But healthy powerful shame warns us & protects us, shifting us back onto our true pathI
yes that and schema therapy helped me.
My father was a monster who ruined and stole my life. I never got married because I always felt not good enough for anyone. He’s gone now and left me in a state of shame. I have one sibling who received the entire 120 acre family farm and all its belongings. I received absolutely nothing and I’ve had type 1 diabetes for over 50 yrs, since age 10. He’s left my relationship with my brother in complete ruin.
I am highly extroverted. I love making people laugh. I crave human connection. But then I have these low points where I believe I need to be alone and self improve or else I can’t be around anyone else, until I’m perfect. I have always said to my friends “I feel like I’m missing a key part of what makes someone human.” Because I lack the ability to form real connections that last. But I’m realizing that I am loveable, I am limiting myself because I believe I am inherently unworthy. I have even previously thought I might have some kind of personality disorder.
When you started talking about how toxic shame makes us believe there is something wrong with us at our core, I burst out crying. Finally someone put into words what I feel. I’m not the only one who feels this way!
You deserve a standing ovation for this one
Absolutely brilliant video, and so spot on. I'd say the "more than human" identity isn't necessarily so grandiose, though. I think it can manifest in the overgiving/under receiving way as well. And the "less than human" identity isn't necessarily manifested through embracing "badness", but can also be manifested through things like learned helplessness and seeking help from others because you feel incapable within yourself, or, conversely, pushing help away because you feel unworthy of it.
That said, this video was profoundly helpful, and I related to pretty much every word of it. I also thought it was super interesting how your shame wound propelled you into a constant state of compulsive motion for fear of slowing down and having to face becoming conscious of it, whereas another person's shame wound pushed them into a chronic freeze state for fear of making a false move. I feel like I vacillate between these two poles a lot. I also often have the sense of walking on a tightrope, where I have to keep moving, but if I make one false step, I fall off and die.
Your videos have been exceptionally fantastic lately. Keep up the amazing work, and thank you for being one of those rare, trustworthy, kind, empathetic adults you referenced in the video! ❤
I appreciate your comment! I very much relate to the examples of "more than" and "less than" human that you've given, infact spot on. I was beginning to experience a little imposter syndrome, which probably comes from years of being told that I don't know what real pain is by my mother 😅
I appreciate you reframing this. It helped me get to the root of my own shame fear which is that if I make any move at all it’ll be the wrong move, & it’ll reflect on me badly creating more shame
Exactly
Your comment was just what I needed to help me see more clearly how toxic shame manifests for me. I so, so appreciate your contribution here. Thank you. ❤
(I also vacillate between the poles.)
You're take on this subject of mental health and the attachment theory is unlike anyone else's online - I thank you!
Was re-watching the video and it made me realize one thing. I entered university 3 times and each time I dropped out after one term due to depressive episode. Now I see, that the catalyst for this depression was toxic shame.
Thank you so much for this and other videos, they help a lot.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
Heidi, I found this video yesterday and watched it three times, rewinding parts even more to take in what you shared. My world collapsed around me a couple of years ago, sending me into a death spiral. I wanted to die. I prayed to die. I am better, but still I find myself in dark places.
I was shamed, humiliated, and abused from an early age. My childhood was one traumatic event after another. Absent father, divorce, mother forced to work two and three jobs, csa beginning at 5, foster care, abusive dad, bullied, etc.
I feel unworthy of love. I always have. It feels as though I have layer upon layer of shame. In fact, the layers are so thick that I am nothing without them. I mastered the art of adapting. I learned how to thrive in any circumstance. I was a chameleon.
Now, I have no idea who I am. It always felt like I liked the things I was doing, but now I question everything. I feel lost in space.
I began my current journey last year. I have been journaling, meditating, working with self-hypnosis, working on healing my shadow self. Thank you for sharing resources. I have no insurance, so I am dependent on myself for healing. Your videos and references are truly helpful. Thank you.
I am going through the same thing. Its been so fucking hard, i keeo raging out on coworkers for literally no reason at all, ready to do somdthing horrible, and acting in highly dangerous selfish ways in my anger. Its caused me to lash out at the only person who i would consider to be a friend or someone i feel close to. Today is my 26th birthday and I spent it working and sitting in my room getting high alone. This video had me bawling almost instantly. Its just so accurate that its jarring and painful to hear. Very helpful though. I find my biggest "triggers" or sources of shame are:
Lack of any romantic relationships despite being handsome, charming, fit capable etc. (Aka im broken somehow and not worthy of love, will die alone not knowing what love feels like, or even having a consistent sexual outlet.)
My addictions, current and in the past. (Heroin from ages 15-22, relapsed on IV Meth about 8 months ago now)
Outward appearance coming off as gay or feminine (was raised to be a mans man, not to have emotions. I will openly tell people i may be bi curious at best, but im largely straight but get triggered when im teased for anything sexuality related, was bullied as a kid for being "pretty" and "acting like a faggot"
I have been on my own for so long now, its just so painful ti try and socialize. I just feel bitterness and resentment for people in general. I feel like my ability to live and feel happiness was taken from me when i was just a vulnerable sweet little person. Now i teeter the line of sociopathy and other anti social character profiles. For almost 20 years I have felt nothing much more than isolated, hatred/rage, self loathing and pity, resentment, and the occasional bout of mania which is where i feel the best, in spite the many ways I always end up humiliating myself in those episodes.
Idk why i even wrote this tbh. Just emotional as fuck, no one to talk to or no one i trust even remotely enough to listen
@@WillArtigues, I feel you brother. I really feel you. Our patterns differ some, but the pain and torment appears similar.
I’ve been soaking up everything I can get my hands on. I find Heidi’s materials especially helpful.
I am struggling deeply at times, but I do more hopeful than I did. I still have much on which to work, and I honestly still struggle with knowing who my true authentic self is.
I just listened to this post for the first time since the day I last commented, and am reminded to identify who I am not in order to discover who I am at my core. I don’t know if this will work or not, but I am willing to try.
I hope you are finding peace and comfort in your journey. I look forward to seeing an update from you.
Best wishes,
@@WillArtigues you’re on this channel for a reason… you still have the light in you. Dont let it go out, it’s still there. Just keep working on things as you have and entertaining yourself as you improve and try new things and eventually you’ll look around and see yourself where you want to be. Proud of you! Keep going ^_^
I can understand having been there myself. I’m sorry for what you went through. Keep investing in yourself and you ll find your world becoming spectacular.. it takes time but have fun in the meantime and soon enough things start to turn around. ^_^
Oh my God, this woman was killing me softly, telling my whole life with her song 😭❤
I want to know the location of the secret rebel base...
❤ God Bless ❤❤
Goodness. I have a whole new level of compassion for my limerent, food-indulgent self. I almost let myself fully exist publicly in 2004, but I totally retreated when I let my abuser get in my head and I've struggled since -- even in a beautiful romantic relationship, earning an advanced degree, and other seemingly successful ventures. Thank you for sharing. I am simultaneously terrified and hopeful.
I had to pause every few minutes because my mind is just blown. I can't believe this is a thing. My toxic shame shaped me. It shaped my shallow life. It's a mask. This video is life changing... and I think the start of something different. Hopefully.. because Even writing this I hear myself saying "don't be so extra.." the struggles are all mentioned in this video.. i have an image so very time i make plans i need enough time to rest enough and be 'perfect' i wear a lot of make up too. Even when i just wake up at some one else's house i make sure to present myself fun en 'perfect' .
You also talked about isolating myself till I get the energy back to put on my fake persona again, this hit home
Thank you so much Heidi, all I can say is that the work you do is just simply transformational. You are making such an enormous contribution in this world. So many of us can not afford therapy, but the door to healing is being opened by you. Such kindness and compassion.
I get it mostly at work these days. All sorts of shaming coming at me, from all different levels, it’s immense. At times I cannot even focus on my work at hand, and it’s very dangerous.
This is exhausting to listen to. It hits too close to home. I really like your channel. You're an insightful young lady.
I'm up early, my type 1 diabetic had issues with his insulin pump so I was taking care of him then just started tackling the day, workout, run, shower, kids lunches for school, my own breakfast.
I put this video on just to get some light learning in before the busy day. I'm a new young counselor so I've just finished reading Atlas of the Heart (Brine Brown), No bad parts (Richard Schultz), the body keeps score (Van der kolk), and just yesterday I finished "cognitive behavioral therapy" (Judith Beck).
I was not expecting this quick Internet video to be so impactful.
You got me.
I've watched a lot of videos about mental health and improvement and identity, and never have I felt more completely seen than in this one
So good. My therapist and i are working on this right now. I define my toxic shame as something that in my mind is unforgivable. I cannot stop beating myself up over small things that in a heartbeat i would forgive others. Its a long long process but im 61 and have dealt with this for decades. Ex i brought my sons to Disney when they were young. Dancing was going on and he asked me to dance. And i said no. Of course ive apologized to him but 3 decades later i feel so much shame for not doing it.
@@Protegida4 you sound so much like me. My other son I have apologized for a million little things. All of which he has no memory of. I finally told him that me apologizing was for me so just let me. Lol
go get a yearbook....
Heidi, Wow! I have never been able to put words to what is “wrong” with me or what I actually experience. Years of therapy, sobriety, treatment centers 12 step programs, church groups ect…But you have described almost perfectly my feelings, my fears, my patterns etc.. I have been watching your videos for over a week or so and I am just amazed. The clarity, compassion, and understanding. With concise steps to recovery. I am incredibly grateful for all you offer us, YOU are Truly Gifted! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us. I feel it will be Life Changing for me. 🥰
"Then underneath you'll find your SOUL and find out who you really are." Dang it! I'm a ginger, there won't be anything under my toxic shame....
This made me lol
Ty. I've been shamefully toxified since 5 years old... But this never occurred to me... There was lots of fear, anger, rage... But never the thought of being ashamed... Think of it... I'm ashamed since a child because of what bad things the people in my life have done to me!! It's like I took their guilt unconsciously, and built up a personality around that guilt.... And I've been slogging it around ever since.... Over 50 years!!! What a world!! And I like you because you get it and you're able to make sense of it👍
Thanks so much. I never thought my fantasy world was the escape that you so clearly described. This is my main addiction that I never realized i has. So accurate and so clear. I appreciate you for being you 😊
Wow, Heidi. Thank you. After seeing this video, I think this is the main problem behind my depression and no therapist has pointed it out that clearly to me in 15 years!
Yeah same. The word „shame“ never came up in any session or anywhere. Like what if I knew 20 years ago? But maybe that’s part of the journey, that we just find out now. ❤
Same for me.
No healthy mirroring!
You are one of my favorite psychology RUclipsrs. Wow. I needed this video so much tonight. My ex often responds to my setting boundaries by viciously attacking me at my core. Last night, they asked me to watch their pets while they were going camping with our kids over a long weekend. This was asked at the last moment, and it was despite my ex having immediately shut me down when I had asked for the same thing a year before. In response to my saying “No.” My ex literally texted “You have a very self serving way of looking at things. You are selfish to the core.” I was gutted temporally but I have been absorbing lots of input on trauma and shame and codependency since we broke up, including your videos. I found that instead of being paralyzed by this toxic shame attack, I was able to set it aside and function today. Your video is so affirming. I won’t indeed die if my a-hole ex tries to emotionally abuse me over my setting boundaries. I can observe the attempt and still function. Ahhh.
Your ex sounds like a real knot hole. "Yay you!" for recognizing it.
May I just say that I’d be thrilled to see you and Anna from the Crappy Childhood Fairy have a conversation about this 🤩
wow you are my two fabulous online guides it would be fantastic!
Same!
Yes!
I suffered abuse when I tried to do the right thing growing up. It taught me to hide the person who wants to do good inside me, and it’s manifested into me hating my true self. Thank you for this video.
im 32 years old and it has taken me this long to realize that my suffering comes from shame. it was never obvious that what i was experiencing was shame or guilt, i just 'felt bad about it'. i am only just now sorting these issues out within myself and i am experience a lot of inner battling. i ignored the fact that i needed help for a long long time. i think that even my guilt and shame kept me from seeking help. im just glad that i finally recognized that this is the emotion that has been crippling me for so many years and now i can finally work on it.
just because you are made to feel a certain way, doesnt mean that you are in fact that way. don't let others tell you what you are. you are the master of your thoughts, and as its master, tend your thoughts as a garden. dont let your garden grow with weeds like i did, but if the weeds grow, rip those fuckers out!
A warning about support groups: if you're autistic, highly sensitive/empathic, or introverted, these could easily traumatise you further, because you'll be frightened, intimidated or overwhelmed by the pain of others.
wanted to say that 😅 yes the last time i was in a group therapy setting it fucked me up pretty bad. people are not safe
Yes I experienced that
Great point.
Huh really? I’ve never heard this before. I’ve been in lots of group therapies/hospital therapy groups and was recently diagnosed with adhd. I wonder if what you described could be the case for my severe anxiousness in groups of people. Can you please elaborate on this concept?
@@girliewapisskink tbh everyone is different, and I can't speak to anyone else's personal individual experience nor give medical/psych advice. Your social anxiety could stem from many different roots, all specific to your life experience. Also, ADHD is not something I know much about; it could be that ADHD patients benefit from group sessions in ways that ASD patients seem not to (from the informal research and polling of my peers that I've done). Myself, I've only ever tried group a few times before realising it was not good for me, for the way that it instantly had me masking, deflecting, and soaking up the anxiety or pain coming off other patients in the circle. Not sure what else you'd want to know, sorry that I can't elaborate more than that.
24:43 “-I subliminally realized that there were a number of good, safe, wise and helpful adults out there who could be trusted”
I’ve always wondered why I wasn’t as jaded as I thought I should’ve been. This resonates in an almost bittersweet sense 💚 Bitter in that I’d applied it incorrectly and got myself hurt further, but sweet in that it’s kept me from truly mistrusting the world and secluding. I’d found two or three truly trustworthy adults through my childhood that proved, subconsciously, there was stability and security in the world. For a long time though, I thought I didn’t deserve it. Thank you 💚
This video is gold. Litterally, this would cure half the world.
This is by far one of the biggest gems that could ever be found on RUclips. Even if we believe we don't particularly suffer from toxic shame, at least for me, there were many things she discussed here that I can easily see in myself and the way I view myself. This video I'm sure has helped so many ppl in way which are impossible to measure. Thank god there are ppl out there who truly want to help others in the way Heidi clearly wants to. 10/10! ❤
I really agree. Just stumbled on it today and I am bringing this into therapy because the way she has spoken on this topic is what I've been trying to get to know about myself. And now here it is. 🎉
Thank you for the video. I've been exploring this and I keep hearing/ reading that it takes a long time to heal from. I've even heard it can take a lifetime. And, just thinking about that shoves me down into a pit of despair so fucking deep that I have difficulty breathing. I'm not looking for a quick fix. I'm not looking for a shortcut. I accept that this will take a long time - even though I've been working on my issues for a long time now. I'm looking for a perspective that doesn't make me think that this will be a nigh-eternal slog; a perspective that doesn't make me feel like giving up. I'm middle-aged. I spent most of the first half of my life just trying to survive. Now I'm on the downhill side, and the thought of spending the rest of my life trying to heal, and, if I'm lucky, having a tiny sliver of life left at the end where I don't feel this pain all the time, well, it makes me want to burn the whole damn world to the ground. And so, my question is: How does one look at this process in a way that is anything like hopeful - in any way that doesn't lead to despair?
“I can be the same person everywhere I go” 🔥🔥🔥 so freeing! God bless you!!
John Bradshaw proposed that concept, by opposition to "healthy shame", that is needed for creating boundaries. His work should be studied in high schools. His TV shows are available on youtube.
Thanks for the tip! I'll dive in :))
I'm going through the dark night of my soul rn. This lady gives me hope
I literally choked up listening to this. It amazes me how little my fears actually mattered. When I came to terms with myself regarding the false stories and narratives I Needed to Believe-- My life became immediately more manageable.
I came to many of the same conclusions presented here through a 12 Step program. Heidi's input and explanations are articulated much more clearly than I could have. However, I doubt I would have let myself believe in these theories of Attachment if I had not arrived at some of the same conclusions independently (at least in part). My insecurities (and ego) prevented me from accepting this type of "Psyo-Babble" for many, many years. When Hedi talks about how some men have no idea how to express themselves emotionaly, I just shake my head and laugh. It is so true, Ive been asked by caring friends or even therapist to "get vulnerable" or "allow myself to be vulnerable" so many times. I Never Knew What the Hell they were talking about. I was Literary not even aware of how to do these basic kindergarten level techniques to regulate myself.
It's like one of those pictures that, if you stare at it longe enough, a new image will emerge. Once it's seen, it can't be unseen. However, some of us have to spend a little more time staring at the picture more than others. 🤷
I love this content you create, and thank you for all the good you do.
This is so good. I remember that I knew for sure that there was something wrong with me and that no one could ever love me if they found the hidden side of me. That this wrongness was in my genes, so I couldn't scape. That I was weird, different, unlovable in my true self. This has been my whole life, until one year ago. One day, after reading maany books, something clicked and I thought that, maybe, there wasn't anything wrong with me. That was a HUGE step that allowed me to start being vulnerable and, very slowly, talking to other human beings about my mental health. And to my surprise, nothing bad happened. They didn't run away when I showed my true self. I know I still have to work on many things, but I don't feel this huge shame of being myself anymore. And I am so grateful to people like you for helping me discover that. For a year and a half, I've been in my first honest relationship, and I know I could never have something like that without seeking for help. I am fearful avoidant, or I've been all my life, but I feel my brain is actually changing and I feel more secure every day. There is hope after the pain!!!❤
I've read Pete walker and was so helpful, but for sure I'll read your other recommendation. Thank you!!!
Shame has physical, emotional, and energetic levels. Meeting unmet needs is a great way to detach from toxic shame on emotional and energetic levels.
This is truly the best presentation i have seen on toxic shame
I went to a John Bradshaw seminar in Manhattan back in the 80s. It was INTENSE! He was so instrumental in bringing awareness to people about complex trauma (CPTSD) before it had a name.
In personality tests, I am often an extrovert...but it takes a TON of energy to be in a social situation.. just like she said. I have always craved alone time, even as a child.
This makes so much sense now.
I watched John Bradshaw’s series on the family when it first aired on PBS. I like to say guilt when it refers to mistakes I made, shame could be the embarrassment of having made a mistake when I knew better, but toxic shame was when I thought “I am a mistake“
As clear and explicit as crystal waters. You are a gem to me. For me computer games was my addiction, they served a vivid imagery and i could also build fantasies and they inspired my ideological beliefs. Also when you have a highly active mind, the fast paced games extinguish intrusive thougths and worries. A long day of only playing games made me rested as not even sleep could. Today i get bored after about an hour of playing. But i do not want to quit it. I have always been ashamed to admit i play. My father gave me the games as young, took them from his job, and then he said things that made me feel useless while indulging in his gifts. Unkind reciprocity.
Thanks for sharing your story about paddling a boat in the see. That was highly relatable. I was very into black metal and martial arts. I used to have and nurture this vision of me being tied to a chariot and there was a demon who held the reins. The lash of the whip would never stop, and neither would i, cause then i was weak and not deservant of the praise or position. In that vision i was stronger than the rest of the wimpy lot. I actually found that inspiring, not realizing i was completely ruthless and insensitive to my being. Always move, never stop.
I worked around much of this, but i could never find that naked honesty with my therapist. My intellect and charisma often affects people, and very few people give me the benefit of the doubt. Watching you is this distant but at the same time highly mirroring and healing gift. I have decided to find and try ACA and also try therapy again. Part of me says i do not need it(naturally), but i see it also as a step for me to break my habits, my comforts and my self isolation. I also want to be able to record youtube or hold a speech about my beliefs.
In Sweden we have a saying from the 1600-century: 'När skammen går på torra land' It translates as, 'When shame itself walks the dry ground' I guess i reflects this very real feeling that, when it runs your life, you are not the one walking your feet and body, the shame does. There is also this thing in northern mythology about trolls, if the sunlight hits them, they turn to stone and die. Admitting shame, to someone, can be very effective and alleviating. It is not very resistant to compassion and sunlight
Thank you!
I’ve done a lot of healing but I want to read this book because I’m not totally rid of my shame. (But as I listen I realize it doesn’t go away totally to zero but can be dealt with when it hits) My therapist points it out to me when I’m in shame and I believe it’s something to do more work on.
Really makes me cry thinking my will was broken as a child and I just try to comfort that child within and remind them how loved they are and worthy most of all.
And I’m not even upset with my parents anymore but filled with compassion upon realizing they weren’t perfect, they were young and they may not have been shown that curious, compassionate caregiver when they were little 😢
I’m not perfect but I am working day in and day out to be the most gentle and yet confident leader my son has ever known. One that he can trust and seek comfort in while he navigates adolescence. I’m so teary writing this and I think it’s because this video found me at the perfect time when I needed it most.
Just purchased the book on online.
I’m also a recovering alcoholic 2.5 years and I attend meetings. I’m very interested in ACA you mentioned. I think there was dysfunction in my household and I don’t really know what caused my feeling of worthlessness
I meditate nearly daily and do yoga, that has been helping me with connecting to myself. But more work needs to be done as I’m listening to your video. I’ve done a lot of work and healthy self speak but it’s not always my first instinct and even then I try to be kind to myself but more is to be done. I really appreciate this video finding me. I felt overwhelmingly sad today and here I am watching this. 🙏🩵
I really liked toward the end of your video you explained the feeling of shame and naming it out loud and then observing it 🙏 this is exactly what I’m trying to do and sometimes it’s hard to identify. This is all very helpful.
I hope this comment helps someone because I’ve edited it like 10x with more thoughts. But I realized something. About 2 months ago I made a decision to stop over exercising and I have kept that promise. It felt like surrender and freedom. I’ve had these beautiful moments where I’ve said “i am worthy just as I am right now, I don’t have to do anything at all to be worthy.” I believe that is a direct result of the ending of betraying my inner voice that was saying to me “stop over exercising, you no longer need to, you are safe now.” I just wanted to share that. I don’t know who might read this but you are worthy and you can heal. I never thought I was worthy of healing and in fact self sabotaged all the time. If I can be on this journey, so can you.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I read a book recently titled ''Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'', you'll be able to figure out if there was neglect in your childhood, which may have led to feelings of worthlessness. I also partially read the book ''Adult Children of Alcoholics'' and I could relate to most of the 14 traits of ACA. Best wishes to you, Olivia.
🤗🤗🤗
24:42 😢what a powerful quote! Pete Walker - CPTSD Surviving to Thriving
Thank you so much for reading that! ❤
My adult Son and I are going through John Bradshaw’s book and now I find this gem! 💎
Thank You so much!
Really fine presentation on a difficult subject, thank you. I loved the mention of John Bradshaw (rest his soul) and ACA -- both of which turned my life around in the late 1980s, when I was about your age. I remember how enormously helpful it was to finally have a *word* for what I had been experiencing all my life. People today do not understand -- "shame" is common venacular now, but in the 1980s, prior to Gershen Kaufman and John Bradshaw, there was no language to describe this emotional state. It left people feeling alone and misunderstood, even to themselves. ... Also, I teared up when you gave a shout-out to ACA groups. They were pivotal to me. They allowed me, for the first time in my life (I was about 27), to open up to other people about the pain and shame I had carried so long. Those experiences became a touchstone for what healthy relating felt like (I had very little experience of this in my family). .... I'm 61 now, and I still get whacked by shame every now and then (that's why I clicked on the video), but most of the time it is self-induced and temporary, rather than just something I carry around with me all the time -- which makes all the difference in the world. Had I not discovered Bradshaw and ACA, I hate to think what would have happened to me. I suspect I would have self-deleted. There is no more painful emotion than toxic, internalized shame.