How The Fear Of Abandonment Becomes A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy (And How To Break It)
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- Опубликовано: 20 мар 2024
- Self Abandonment: What It Is And How To Stop Doing It • Self-Abandonment: What...
Self-Intimacy: What It Is And How To Foster It • Emotional Self-Intimac...
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Thanks for this. I had this regarding another platform I follow. I appreciate your warning !
Scary stuff... It's a shame how some people prey on those who need this sort of programming on the RUclips...
"people with healthy attachments know that everyone in their life will abandon them at some point..." Damn, that hits hard. The idea that I am not crazy for having the intuition that this is inevitable, but that the dysfunction is the inordinate attempt to prevent it from coming to pass, is so paradigm-shifting, I don't think I can even process the rest of the video right now.
"the dysfunction is the inordinate attempt to prevent it from coming to pass"
OH boy now THAT hits hard for me.. Just shows that pretty much all of our dysfunctional patterns revolve around unhealthy avoidance of reality, and most growth occurs through acceptance of it.
Sameeeee 😭
yes yes yes yes. it’s in a way validating to know this expectation is healthy😅
It is why so many choose not to fully love each other and focus on self, and use all their energy to stay safe from the hurts of love. No one can hurt you deeper than a loved one, the flip side is in a healthy relationship they also add that much joy. There companions. Doesn’t have to be taken personal, we are humans trying to figure this out. We’re going make mistakes hopefully we’re just going to learn from them and grow a strong foundation. Excessive fears and non reality expectations prevent this from happening properly.
My fear of abandonment is so strong that I'll only be someone's friend unless I'm absolutely positively sure that they'll accept me. And even then if I just get the slightest signal that they don't like me then I'll abandon them before they have the chance to abandon me that way I don't have to deal with the pain of being rejected
I thought everyone did that
Geez. You just described how i deal with people
@@walkerhumphrey181 I THOUGHT EVERYONE DID THAT (2)
Can totally relate.
This is me to a T.
I live with the fear of both entrapment and abandonment 🤣
That's the sweet spot!
@@vdl3984 : The crisis-point where change can happen. Sweet spot means the point where the work of changing inwardly is being done by us and starts to give healing result. Right, Heidi?
@@Medietos I was joking... I guess the real one would be acting differently when triggered. You choose to respond differently despite the triggers so you can learn the new and healthier behaviour.
Sounds like you have a fearful avoidant attachment style
Entrapment is very overlooked I think
I’m genuinely absolutely heartbroken, my fear of abandonment caused a rupture in one of the most incredible connections I’ve had with an amazing man (who was securely attached) and drove him away until he broke it off, it literally became a self fulfilling prophecy and I feel like I will never get over this but these videos are so powerful in bringing awareness to our behaviour and being able to address patterns that have always led our lives
Same here and I'm completely shattered 😢😢
This has recently happened to me.
Fear of abandonment has followed me my entire life. It's a terrible weight to bare. I mask in everything I do, so much so, that I don't even have the slightest idea of who I am. I will show up for everyone else and be exactly what they need, as long as they receive me well. I've been married 13 years and still wake up every day wondering if he's going to cheat on me. I have never been able to shake the feeling that I'm not good enough to stay. It's such a mind trip, the rational side of me knows I'm a great partner but my insecurities eat me alive.
Heidi I just came here to say that lately it’s been really bittersweet that I’ve been skipping your videos! The titles just don’t resonate with me anymore and I don’t feel the need to watch.
Of course this isn’t the greatest news for you, so I’ve been putting the videos on mute in separate screens to support the channel. But basically, THANK YOU! :D You, amongst others, have really helped me reach this point of inner security.
My highest career aspiration is to contribute, with everything I have, to the emergence of a world where my entire video library becomes irrelevant and obsolete.
Which is to say, I *loved* this comment and it *is* the greatest news for me. Reminds me of one of my favorite quote adaptations:
“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will Disappear.”
Tao Te Ching
@@heidipriebe1 🫶🫶🫶 you’re doing an incredible job
I did my capstone project on attachment style. I've learned soooo much about my abandonment issues from my childhood. I really was looking for any and everything in my environment that would look like abandonment. I would even think my wife being nice to another man was a sign of abandonment. I have to consciously be aware of this at all times because I can easily go back to that abandoned inner child.
Maybe the severity of one's abandonment fear-reaction/arousal/activation also has to do with our life situation and health as qa whole though. If we lack blood supply to the Heart f ex, we are bound to feel worried and insecure. And if the spine portion steering anxiety and depression has issues, one is also bound to experience unsafety, depression, fear, or worry, sensitivity and fragility (=needing the protective film of another's soul substance + warmth nearby) .You are right Mr, because at that moment your wife is being nice to an other man, she has him, not you, as her focus of attention. I prayed for you, asking Creator to hold, keep, protect, love and guide you at all times on your path. Please embrace and be with yourself.
You are a national treasure. Thank you for all that you do.
Treating others with presence and gratitude while they are with them. When I am living with fear of abandonment I am so preoccupied about the future so we are unable to be present. Heidi. You are God's channel
I’ve healed more from watching your videos than any therapy I’ve attended. You may never know how much you’ve helped me on my journey to healing, but I hope you know how much gratitude I have. A million thank yous!
Holy fuck I'm so fucking sad rn but this is exactly the prophecy I've been spinning in my head since the end of high school, I'm turning 27 very soon and this idea has made it hard to get friends and even harder to get girlfriends out of fear of not being good enough due to a large lack of experience in that aspect especially, and then being abandoned...or even worse betrayed in some way. Has literally made me self sabotage and or not even try in any relationships and the loneliness is finally too crushing to just push aside anymore. Thank you so much for these videos as they are giving me hope that I can start to maybe change and fulfill that lack of friendships and relationships that I've always been having.
Brother, we are made of strong stuff. Keep healing and taking care of that sweet little boy inside yourself 🤍
You have no idea how your videos are pulling me through a dark place. So thankful. You rock. ❤
I can agree on that, hope you are doing ok
Your way of presenting/talking has advanced beautifully. There seems to be much more presence and warmth to it, and you are talking at a slower pace which is great. The key aspects are delivered even better like that.
Abandonment: in my experience, having empathy towards the person who abandons is a great tool. It does not require overseeing poor behavior, and allows at the same time to relax and not take it personally. As said by you in other words, this can happen if we are (can be) really there for ourselves which means we don't abandon ourselves in the first place. The point of view of feeling abandoned comes only up if we fall back into a child like state, forgetting that we are actually resourceful adults.
Powerful stuff sir, thank you
That was me until I changed psychologists, started doing schema based and inner child therapy and joined ACA and started working the steps. Oh and of course, listened to the Adult Child podcast and watched Heidi's videos! Thankyou Heidi
I love the Adult Child Podcast and I love ACA! ❤
@@cocacorn810Andrea is the BEST! The whole reason I got into ACA
I also found ACA to be more helpful than psych counselling.
Yes!
Thanks, I needed some tips and advice on where to go next with my "issues" ❤
What an excellent and insightful presentation of abandonment that doesn't pathologize and make an individual feel bad about oneself, put down, judged, weak or helpless or hopeless, but rather, that we are formed and affected by ruptures in security and Real fears from de- fragmented parts of our child selves that we Are Able to Have Agency over and get our power back that we gave up. I also appreciate you showing how it affects outcomes in a way that hurts ourselves further and the bonds that we desire by explaining what is driving this cycle and what the patterns are rooted and how we are inadvertently pushing away the very thing we yearn, that is : closeness and understanding. Thankyou!
the fear is that i will always be in this state of mind, thinking i cannot be connceted with others. both toxin and cure
"There is no way to personal develop our way--" Dude, you are hitting me hard. I am working like crazy to achieve goals that are just... Futile.
Heidi seems to know exactly what m going through, its like im getting 10 therapy sessions by watching one of her videos. Heidi you are truly priceless! ❤
Thanks, I'm long teem single but all of this still seemsv relevant
The next stage of psychology is to get people to care for each other while being as unconditional as possible.
Care and love should not be unconditional if one party is not a child.
The only mistake I noticed is that in the secure example of relating you implied that the reason people do not accept the request/invitation back into connection is because they are insecure and it causes overwhelm. This makes anxiously attached people believe that anyone who doesn’t want to meet their needs or doesn’t like them is avoidant. Then they’re right back in the cycle of blaming others for their problems. Sometimes you’re just not compatible. There is no need to label others to make ourselves feel better.
Ah I see what you’re saying. Yes. In creating that part I was thinking exclusively about why someone would respond from a non-adult state to an invitation for reconnection (rather than about a situation where the people involved were just not compatible, in which case acknowledging that *would* be a form of adult-to-adult connection, just not one that results in the continuation of the relationship). The distinction is important for sure.
but anxious people are not delusional or crazy, we act and react in response to others treatment. my ex broke up and returned to me 4 times, why???? Because we are not compatible and he wanted to use me till i have nothing left and then drop me again? so are relationship worked but then something happened and he didn't love me any more? i don't believe it's that easy and simple, nothing is. We are not stupid or crazy, and some people do be going around and treating others like crap because of their own shit. When I'm not compatible with someone, i don't start dating them, i don't wanna talk to them, i don't wanna sleep with them. Seems blaming the victim makes someone feel better, too.
@@skromnyasha Hi, I was actually writing about something a little different. Anxious Attachers accuse you of being avoidant when you don’t like them or when you don’t want to give them what they asked for. Not all of them obviously bc some are more insecure than others.
I’m sorry you got attached to a Narcissist and took them back 4 times. Maybe once you heal your Anxious Attachment Style, you’ll be able to better discern between a normal Avoidant vs an Avoidant Narcissist. Bc Narcissists definitely won’t change their behavior for you.
@@ProtectedAndHappy I'm working on it..but still not sure how much of a narcissist my ex was or maybe he just didn't want to give me commitment. Because he never loved me. I don't know. Obviously, him being avoidant is makes sense but narcissistic? I don't know honestly. Maybe after some time when my head and feelings will be clear I can more sound about it.rn I'm a mess
@@skromnyasha 😓🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
You always impress me with how much clarity and order you bring to my dark, swirling ruminations. And your empathy is inspirational. Thank you.😮
Was super helpful having the secure attachment comparison.
Prophecy fulfilled here, and I watched myself do it. I worked on myself a lot and was doing so well.
So many people need to see this
Heidi you’re popping off this is awesome thank you!!
Right on time. Thank you.
You are the best relationship psychology RUclipsr I know. I feel that this video focuses on theory and structure rather than action though. Can you offer a follow-up to this video to offer some techniques and practices to bring ourselves into deeper wholeness with ourselves?
Thanks for all you do Heidi. You have really helped me, and I love how relatable you are. I’m slowly working my way through my attachment difficulties stemming from being adopted as an infant. My adoptive parents were emotionally abusive so it was definitely a double whammy. Your attachment videos are so helpful in my therapy and my healing journey right now, I’m so appreciative of your work! ❤
Awesome as always!
Damn, this video subject is hitting hard in my life currently. Time to drop everything and watch haha
Damn, this speaks "loud and clear" to me, personally.
Loving the visualization, thank you for everything you do
your last three videos have come in perfect timing, really, thank you for your videos 💞
Thank you so much for this. It popped up when I needed it!
wow... presence and gratitude...
You have been such a safe space for me lately
❤ you nailed it to perfection!!! Thank you 🙏🏼
Once again, your videos are right on time! Love your work Heidi, thanks for doing what you do. 🙏
This is incredibly timely! Thank you so much, Heidi ❤️
So insightful & helpful, Heidi
less than 5 minutes in and that was a brilliant explanation already! What an incredible mind-hack - thank you Heidi!
This is amazing! This perspective shift has helped me soo much already and I’m soo much more in the moment and grateful for those passing shared moments ❤️🙏
It’s so exciting to get your notifications. I’m just so sad I didn’t see your videos 6 months ago… they’d make a big difference in my past relationship. It is never too late so learning and trusting the process.
This is really beautiful to watch Heidi! Thank you again so SO much for the invaluable content you produce!!
Your videos are such a blessing. Thank you so much for taking us all through this journey of healing
This is amazing, thank you
Heidi is so thoughtful and insightful - her videos have helped me soooo much to grow into a more secure person. I feel very grateful for this content.
I genuinely have so much love for you. Thank you for what you do. You truly truly give my brain so much hope.
You do not know how scared I was of watching this one Heide. Thank you for speaking the truth with gentleness. Priceless video.
Amazing video, Heidi!
Your videos are such a comfort to watch. They're so gently validating whilst also providing valuable insight on how to disrupt patterns of insecure behavior. So thankful I've found your content 🙏🏻❤️
Your videos appeared in my feed at exactly the right time. Thank you! I am learning so much because I'm at a place now where I can hear, understand, and accept it.
Heidi your videos are ridiculously truthful and helpful. Sometimes it feels weird to know some people are just born with these abandonment regulation skills, but it's also it's own journey and quest to overcome them and I feel prouder each day for how far I've come
Heidi, I cannot thank you enough for your work- this is truly life changing stuff. THANK YOU.
❤❤❤❤ Love it, you're amazing! 🙏🏻 So grateful for you 😊
i stayed with somebody for 5 years knowing from day one the relationship wasn't good for me. And then I (subconsciously) engineered my way out. Since the person abandoned me one year ago, I am still suffering daily from it. but i see my role in all of this rather than only feel like a victim.
I appreciate you, Heidi. Much of this video seems to confidently convey many of my reasons for all the shadow work, introspection, communication skills development and therapy I've been focusing on these past few years. I've intentionally avoided intimate relationships, knowing something was off... and decided on journaling, self-understanding and developing a consciousness of my wholeness... or the lack thereof.
Thank you for so eloquently describing these things in encouraging ways. I've noticed my personal boundaries and efforts becoming an isolating endeavor and this video brings me feelings of being known and seen.
So, so helpful! Thank you, Heidi
I was meditating on fear of abandonment this week. Thanks for the video, Heidi. Enjoy your weekend.
Thank you Heidi. Your video's are very insightful. ❤
That was so wonderful. I have been afraid of abandonment most of my adult life and this issue has never been explained so clearly like you did. Thank you so much Heidi! This channel is changing my emotional life.
You are a gifted teacher🙏
This is a very helpful video during a painful heartbreak. Thank you.
Beautiful sentiments. Thank you.
you hit it out of the park again. there's so much here that sheds a light on my past and my present. thank you so much for all the work that goes into making these videos.
Thank you so much, Heidi. What a clear, insightful, right on description of this topic. Your videos are so incredibly helpful, educational & supportive. After listening to what you have shared with us I am tuning into an additional factor. When we have internalized the deep & integrated feeling of both loving & being loved by someone the experience of abandonment through loss of some kind is still painful but it is not devastating in the ways that they can be with unresolved inner child states. During the pandemic 6 people died in my life. Three very unexpectedly & the other three were more expected due to long term illnesses & old age. What I realized after each of these separations is that the quality of the relationship that I had with each different person made a big difference as to how I felt about their deaths. If I had a felt sense of a shared love & appreciation between myself & the other person, my experience of separation & loss was much different than if I had a less secure relationship & attachment with them. There was an exception to this. When one of these individuals died suddenly it soon became clear that early childhood grief & fear from attachment wounds was very much contributing to my emotional distress & pain. This has propelled me to do deeper attachment healing.
Tremendously clear and helpful💯💯💯Thank you Heidi
Heide, this video is do deeep. As anxious person I identify with most.of the statement. It's odd to live worrying about the worst case scenario in every situation and abandonment is one of those situations that come up in my "worry" list very often. Thanks
Wow this is eye opening and very interesting. Thank you for sharing this with us. It was clearly explained and I now understand my issues that I have.
This is good !
Heidi, you are a gem! Thank you for all your insight and the clear, concise and gentle delivery. I wish you a joyful and satisfying journey we call life!
Thank you for teaching me how to attune, communicate, build intimacy, differentiate, anchor within, and of presence and curiosity. I didn’t realise I’d been thinking I was connecting to people while talking or listening but really I was dissociating the whole time. And this was making an autoimmune fibromyalgic disease worse.
This is about the 4 video of yours I’ve watched in 3 weeks. Honestly, thank you so so much. Your work is unlike any other I’ve come across. Being an anxious aslightly avoidant attached, I had come to the conclusion that I wasn’t meant to be with my secure but slightly avoidant partner who is truly loving. I’ve avoided attachment theory cos of the stigmatisation and villainising insecure attachments with no real strong explanation of how to improve. You mix Eckhart tolles presence and explain his work better than I’ve ever seen before and for that im not leaving my relationship and going back into hopelessness of not being able to have a relationship and throwing my life plans out.
Life changing content, thank you 👏🏽
The best explanation of the subject on RUclips 😊🙏
Hi I recently started watching your videos....and I am SOoo thankful for you and your videos. Omg thank you.
I knew I had a deep fear of abandonment and rejection and I'm still not "fixed" but your videos are able to help me make more sense of it all and articulate it better. I know I have a long way to go and plenty of work to do but watching your videos are definitely a start.
I struggle HARD with relationships. Platonic and non platonic. It's so hard and terrible. I'm not sure how to get my needs met In a relationship at all, even though in the past I've been very verbal about what I need but unfortunately I've grown up around and have had A LOT of toxic narcissistic people around me, including and especially my parents, family and siblings and "friends" growing up.
It's hard to believe that there are good people out there who will treat me right or simply treat me how I would treat them (basic reciprocity). It seems VERY hard to come by... And now as an adult in my mid 30s, it seems like most people have their group of friends and it seems like most people are just toxic evil and narcissistic because that's literally all I've been exposed to all of my life.
Im glad I found your channel but if I'm being honest, I feel completely hopeless, like Ill always have no friends, no significant other and no companionship throughout my life. I'm not sure how to help myself through this.
Anyways,thanks for reading and thanks for all you do. I hope you have a wonderful life.❤🙂🌹
This came at a poignant moment and the information is invaluable. Seeing the visualization helps draw out the places to interrupt the cycle based on where the sticking point comes up so u appreciate the graphics there as well.
This video was so helpful! Thank you for making it❤
this has really helped me understand who i am Thank you!
You are changing so many lives for the better, thank you ❤
Absolutely amazing video for me. Right for the stage of my life I am now. Thank you!
Excellent presentation...and I moved through FOA exactly as described once relocated and had to make all new friends....and quit smoking, which allowed me to get more in touch with myself.
Oh my word this is amazing. Thankyou Heidi.
I know a video has struck my core issue when I have to watch it part by part several times because I start dissociating and the brain fog takes over. Then for some reason I can't understand or comprehend what's being said. It's so weird when this happens so I'll save this and come back to it again. Thanks for another great video 😊
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ 😢
The articulation and clarity you bring is a gift. Thank you.
Exactly my dating cycle when guys pull away. I definitely see how I personalize the separation instead of focusing on myself. As I continue to heal my anxious attachment this video definitely summarizes how I've relied on my relationships for wholeness and how someones separation triggered me. I'm learning so much from these videos and looking forward to healing and become more emotionally regulated and secure in my relationships.
Hi Heidi!!! I’m so grateful to run into your videos. I have been trying to learn how to better myself mentally and I found your video is so helpful. Thank you so much
I love you. Thank you for this video. I need to watch it over again with pen and paper.
Thank you so much for this useful info❤❤
Wow. This makes so much sense. Thank you for helping me understand what I’ve been going through so I can overcome it. So grateful I found your videos. God bless you Heidi.🙏🏾
I feel like you are talking more slowly than in some videos, and it really soothes me ❤ thank you for this video, it opened my eyes!
That was very informative and really connected with me. Thank you
This was really helpful. I am working through my negative core belief that I inherited from my mother about no one "caring" for me. My friends are kind, patient people that try to show me that and I am lucky for it. It's not always easy, and I don't always believe it, but I try to remind myself of all the times they were there. Words mean so much to me as well.
Thanks, your vidéos are so helpful!!❤❤❤
Thank you so much Heidi, your content is invaluable and you are literally helping me rewire my brain. ❤
Incredibly beautiful
Wow..this video gave me so much knowledge about my relationship at the moment. Thank you so much for giving me the information needed to know what to do to become a much happier and less worried person.
Thank you from the depths of my heart for this video. I have been working hard the past few months on my (paralysing) fear of abandonment but your video made it all so simple and clear. Will continue to self regulate and reparent myself. Thank you so much!
If you ever have a possibility, I would love to hear you talk about we can reparent ourselves better :)
This is a masterclass, I learnt so much about self reliance and internalised security in all areas of life today. Kudos ❤