What the actual fuck excuse my language. I always thought that people were exaggerating when they said “this video came at the perfect time”. This video came out today, in the middle of my realization that perfectionism is holding me back. You’re amazing Heidi. Don’t know how you do it but keep it up
“You cannot achieve your way out of experiencing any of basic human experiences and feelings that are inherent to living” --WOW that is so what I am trying to do
I'm pretty sure Heidi has never put out this many videos this fast for this long ever. This is an incredible run. I don't know what we did to deserve this, but oh boy am I loving it!! Heidi, you're on fire! ❤🔥🔥
@sandjvj911 RUclips monetizes much smaller channels than this. I'd like to think she's come far enough on her healing path that she's able to be more productive.
People are attracted your energy mistakes in my experience when doing something. I don't need to be perfect. I just need enthusiastic try and do my best mistake and all There going to be someone that going project their insecurities on you for doing what either because they can't do the same or can do with it excellence but they feel is still so far perfection that you offended them. But that's just them not me.
I've been a life long perfectionist. I've recently been fortunate enough to find a few friends who have been around me when I've been my worst and stuck around. I'm also employed at a non profit where my boss has viewed mistakes as learning opportunities . I've really thrived because of these 2 fortunate circumstances. Once I find a long term partner I think my life will be everything I've always wanted.
Congrats to you! That’s amazing, and it often takes a conscious effort to seek out such supportive connections. Also a lifelong perfectionist, and I’m working on it myself.
This video finally explains why I feel good at work, but then I come home and feel so lost. I KNOW how to do my job and do it well, then I come home and don’t feel good enough for my life. Thank you for all you do Heidi.
After watching the video, it reminds me of a time I learned this. I was working a fast food job and treating with the severity of an Olympic athlete because I thought being the very best at something and being the most helpful to others was the only way I could find social acceptance. I ended my horribly codependent relationship and could barely function, and was several hours late every day for weeks. Every week, the closing shift would go out Saturday. I figured I wouldn't be welcome due my poor performance. My entire world view was shattered when I got an invite to go anyway. Only then I realized that I was the one that actually cared about a stupid wage job, and other people weren't angry or judging me, they were concerned about me for my sake. I never told the person who invited me how much that meant, but I still remember that years later.
With the severity of an Olympic athlete 😂😂😂 yup. Really relate to that. Also... Maybe you should tell that person what it meant to you ☺people love hearing they've made an impact in someone's life. Makes them feel like they're part of a bigger picture. And you get to share that with someone.
I wonder... how can I be myself if I don't know who I am? I spent my whole life playing different characters. Countless personalities, but no sense of identity. In recent years I have been affected by incapacitating depression, to the point of putting an end to my acting. All I was left with was nothingness. The absolute absence of personality, likes and dislikes. It is nice to know that there is a logical and clinical explanation for the things that happen inside me. Not only does it help to understand, but it brings comfort to know that there is a logic behind things that explains why they are the way they are. Thank you, Heidi!
Same thing happend with me, except with burnout. As they say, Rome wasent built in a day and its the same thing with finding out who is in there without the acting. Finding out your likes and Did likes takes time, specially when you've never allowed yourself to be. Your inner voice and compass is always there, but the "voice" is very weak. My word for 2024 id patience as i work on building myself back up/finding my authentic self. I recommend it to be a focus for you too. ❤
It seems corny, but try to just sit with yourself, almost in a calm meditative state, closing your eyes and slowing your breathing. Then, literally ask yourself (exactly as if you are talking directly to your subconscious mind) "who am I? Underneath who I am being outwardly, who am I? Where is the real me?" I kid you not, either answers or epiphanies will come to you, OR , you will literally begin to change subconsciously into the person you really are. In the book 'the chimp paradox', the author said (and I cried at this because it hit me like a ton of bricks): "write down on paper the exact values you want to have, the behaviours, and the type of characteristics you want to have (courage, openness, confidence etc). If you have written something down as a wish, it is because that thing is already within you, somewhere." 😊
I feel you BIG time. Trust me. Same exact thoughts. What I've been doing recently is just pursuing creative enterprises. Find the coolest thing in the whole world to you (for me it's music, guns, humor, and nature) and then create something in those areas you love. Anything. Don't judge yourself. Just explore. It's like creative mental skydiving. You'll get lost in passion and you'll never feel like you're wasting your life ever again. And you won't even ask yourself who you are anymore.. You'll create yourself :)
Honestly I’ve been through this too- only thing is I realised that I was playing “different characters” because of my toxic shame. My perfectionism also stemmed from that too. I’m working on it now and I’m way better than I was 2 years ago it’s almost incredible. I hope we find the peace we’re looking for 💛
The best quote I've heard recently is "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong" and this really helped with my perfectionism. If something is worth doing, then it's worth doing just to do it even if you're not perfect. Also, don't do something to be perfect. Do it because you love to create. Creative pursuit is heavily intertwined with purpose and passion.
@@smokingcrab2290 Raised by perfectionists, been one from a very young age, still not sure how to break out of it or if I even can before the world falls apart anyways.
"Rather than find faults in cracks, tears and other imperfections, the Japanese concept of *wabi-sabi* encourages us to appreciate that nothing is truly perfect or permanent."
Rapture is at the door!🙌❤️You will soon see aeroplanes falling due to high winds, we are just waiting for Damascus to fall and Alaska to experience back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3! We will see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets as the signs of his imminent comming! He is at the door BTW He will take children first! 🙏Please, warn unbelievers that in the days of darkness, after children and believers are taken, they should not get out, close curtains, not react to any noises from outside and make Jesus their Lord and Savior and pray non-stop. Jesus will also deliver them after those days of darkness!❤️🙏🙌
Something that took quite a long time to really sink in for me, is the way in which your own unrealistic standards for yourself, are often the standards you end up applying to the other people in your life; often with the reflexive belief that you’re not doing it. If *you* fall short, and you’re making all of these concerted efforts toward excellence (a super subjective, and dangerous term), the people you see not chasing that standard can seem inferior; most likely in a really covert way that you would deny if asked. So, perfectionism can rob you of your own peace of mind and self value, and also have the residual effect of alienating you from the people closest to you because on some deep level, you don’t see them as equals. Awesome.
For me, it's more about having high expectations and goals for myself, which creates all this internal pressure that builds up inside. It often leads me to eventually quitting after starting for a while. I'm learning how to manage it, but it sure is a process.
Yeah I'm probably going to need a therapist for this one, because right now it's too much for me, I'm either too neurodivergent, too shame-bound, or much more traumatized than I thought I was, to know what I would like my life to be like if I wasn't drowning all the time in basic life stuff. I don't even care about having a romantic relationship, or a "desirable body" (yuck), I just want a clean apartment, enough sleep time, and to not feel like I'm constantly behind or constantly being asked to "step out of my comfort zone".
@@Freyr94 sorry to hear that, and thanks for replying ❤️ After leaving this comment I went to watch the video on *emotional neglect* Heidi made not too long ago, and it felt like the missing piece I needed to make sense of my whole mess of a mental state. Even though I was already well aware of that concept it seems a refresher was needed, so now I have a clearer picture of what I need to begin to work on, and... I guess my initial point about needing my therapist still stands. But I just wanted to leave you with the suggestion to watch that other video if you haven't already. All the best!
5 Questions to ask yourself to figure out what you're trying to achieve from your perfectionism: *1. Which base level skills are really important for achieving the kind of life that I want that I am completely ignoring? (blindspots)* - Who has the thing I want despite not being perfect at the thing I'm telling myself I need to be perfect at in order to get that thing? *2. What would I have to grieve if I were to give up my attachment to this ideal?* - How would I FEEL if remained like this for the rest of my life? *3. What would it look like for me to show up congruently at the level I'm at?* - if I were not trying to hide my imperfections, instead showing up authentically and displaying my imperfections - what would people see? *4. What do I wholeheartedly enjoy progressing towards?* - if I died halfway to achieving this goal, would I be happy en route to this goal? - What makes life meaningful for us? - What would I enjoy doing anyway, result or without? *5. If there was no perfection, which imperfections would I most enjoy spending my time on?* - Which problems do you enjoy spending time on? - Are the goals I'm moving towards enriching my life in the present moment? OR is it taking away and making me feel deadened? 🙌🙌🙌
@@laurenparnell2483 And the best part is her videos help me on my journey to not being addicted to external sources of dopamine. Very thankful for that.
Rapture is at the door!🙌❤️You will soon see aeroplanes falling due to high winds, we are just waiting for Damascus to fall and Alaska to experience back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3! We will see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets as the signs of his imminent comming! He is at the door BTW He will take children first! 🙏Please, warn unbelievers that in the days of darkness, after children and believers are taken, they should not get out, close curtains, not react to any noises from outside and make Jesus their Lord and Savior and pray non-stop. Jesus will also deliver them after those days of darkness!❤️🙏🙌
Pro tip for coming back from a perfectionism death spiral: Be intentional. Don't give in to eating ice cream. DECIDE to eat ice cream. Maintaining your sense of self control and will power is paramount. It really helps you get back on the horse. And remember the Roman Empire every single day.
Why not question the urge? Who is making the request and how does it feel in one’s body? I try to keep my intention based on self compassion and loving kindness so I can live in presence instead of perfection- being in presence would mean you could witness the urge of ice cream and let it go
I like to attach purpose and meaning to things. If I'm eating ice cream I think to myself "what am I creating by doing this? What's the meaning of it?" and if I'm doing it to create a good positive moment then I'll do it. But if I'm doing it to escape, or change my mood and use it as a cope, then I won't do it. Because that's the opposite of creativity
Cold showers help with that. I intentionally turn that knob to 90 degrees for 20 seconds and it’s easier to recall that same mindset later. I can’t always get myself to do “the thing of the day” but I seem to accomplish more with that morning habit at least.
Yes! I've started saying, with almost every action - I am *choosing* this. As a way to bring power to myself - as opposed to acting my default and/or staying in victim mentality.
your videos are great because you educate people and provide guidance on how to help themselves. you're not trying to sell something or win the algorithm game. your work is very genuine and i appreciate the time, effort, and vulnerability you put into your videos. they have helped me tremendously. thank you.
Amazing. I have been in a state of denial with regard to perfectionism. Distancing from myself and others unconsciously only to wonder why I was not getting the connections I craved for
My favorite quote is a attributed to Voltaire, and is immortalized on my skin in the form of an album cover by a favorite metal band, who used the quote as an album title: “The perfect is the enemy of the good.“ I don’t think there’s a single concept that has had more of a positive impact on my self esteem, finding fulfillment and connection in relationships, etc. I’m a new subscriber and really appreciate your sober, compassionate style in discussing these issues, that are so central to our experience of the world.
Hi, Heidi! I love your videos. They are super helpful. On the topic of self-esteem, I would love to hear you talk about how to learn to take up space in the world. I find I’m always so scared of showing myself authentically, the things I enjoy, the things I’m good at, I’ve learned to just be out of the way, not to be “a bother”, now is an adult it’s really hard to shake that off and it holds me back in many things, including projects I know I could do great in, and have gotten the same responses from other people. It just doesn’t feel true and I get extremely anxious. “Complex trauma is complex”, as you say it. I’d also love to hear about how to accept you have needs and it’s okay to cater to them, even if they aren’t merely “survival” or “practical” ones. I’ve recently told my husband “I don’t know how to need things”. I’ve come to the realization I tend to structure my life around “chores” and never enjoyment, I suck at asking for help, because I don’t even consider it an option in the first place. And I’d love to experience more art or enjoyment but I always feel so guilty about it and like my life will fall apart if I give in to these necessities… I would love to have given a more straightforward prompt but that’s as well as I could articulate it. I hope it was clear enough. Thanks again! ❤
I feel this so much also. When you said "chores" that hit me. I do that... Every day. I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything. The goal is always perfection that isn't attainable. It's an exhausting life, and it greatly impacts relationships.
I've never wished someone as much success as I'm wishing for you right now. You're doing such meaningful work, and your videos have helped me tremendously! I wish you all the best, Heidi, and I hope you realise that you're accomplishing something truly significant here ❤
Two years ago, in a moment which was not new to me, I felt so overwhelmed that I just wanted to sleep. I laid down, closed my eyes, and suddenly realized I wasn’t needing sleep at all. That was the moment I realized my perfectionism. It kicked off a journey of working on myself. Of course, my first goal was to forgive myself. Secondly, become perfect at understanding my imperfections. lol oops Then, I practiced forgiving myself again, and now I’m in a place where I can much better accept myself and others as we are, while still working towards bettering things, if necessary. Because it’s not always necessary. Heidi was one of the voices I would listen to on this journey. There was a time I didn’t want to miss a single video. Now, I do check-ins with myself. It’s not perfect. It’s what I need. ❤
It is okay to be perfectly imperfect or just realize perfection or goodness is what life is not badness or imperfection. Life is just life. You don't judge an injured plant or animal, so why judge yourself???
In my early life, the cost of making mistakes was high. Sometimes even things that I thought were allowed were not allowed at the moment my mother became enraged about it. I was expected to be a little adult. Don't make messes. Don't be seen nor heard, lest you remind everyone you were in the room. Don't touch things that didn't belong to you. In fact, don't touch anything because none of it is really yours. I was criticized and/or shamed about everything I did. Bullied at home, bullied at school. So, I kept everything private. If I wasn't good at something, I simply stopped doing it. I convinced myself I wasn't really good at anything, no matter what anyone else said. So, to watch this video now, I see the points Heidi is trying to make. However, I'm not ready to put myself out there. It isn't safe. It's too easy to stay in my head -- I've done that all my life. I have responsibilities in real life that don't coincide with risk taking or making dreams reality. None of that feels safe.
Can relate. Some parents are f.cking evil. They abusively prevent your growth and want you to always feel helpless and powerless, so that they can manipulate and control you for their own satisfaction and comfort. This shit systematically applied to your psyche since childhood results in a trauma that doesn't just go away.
I relate to this a lot. This video was a bit hard to watch for me because of this - I simply don't feel even remotely ready or capable of even considering any of the points she brought up. I think there's a time and place for things like this too. You have to be at a certain level of healed and safe before you can even begin to think about the bigger things. In fact, it might be detrimental to push yourself to focus on what your nervous system just isn't ready to handle now. Not to mention the specific beliefs and traumas that only further complicate these goals for us. I wish you and others in a similar boat healing. I hope someday we all find peace.
That’s the thing; the problem tends to be others in positions of power who are able to make life miserable if you’re not perfect. While I’m blessed to be away from most of that now, it doesn’t change the fact that most demands of perfection came from adults during my most formative years. So even just trying to stop caring doesn’t help if someone else shows up to replay those same childhood nightmares.
maybe doing ifs (internal family systems) therapy can help you to heal that wounded part of you :) i find it incredibly fascinating and heidi talked about it in some of her videos as well
Your work is completely life altering in the best of ways. Like oh, it's not that I'm not disciplined, the problem is motivating through meanness. Or with some of your other videos like oh, I'm not evil/bad because I'm resentful and angry, I'm resentful and angry because I have a slew of unconscious unmet needs. Thank you. Literally crying over here! 😭 I had a coach I hired tell me 'continuing these behaviors once you notice them are evil' and punished by the V.A. mental health staff because I refused to try any more psychiatric drugs and continued to smoke weed... And after all these years of trying to find some real help here it is. It really means a lot.
How is it possible that you always post the exactly perfect video for my situation at the right time? Nothing gave me more Truman Show-feelings than RUclips in the last months ^^
Amen. She gives voice to the hyper independent instincts of avoidant attachment with more compassion and understanding than anyone else I’ve seen/heard.
This video helped me set boundaries with my family and ask for help ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I had this perfectionist belief that I could not ask for help or delegate because then I wouldn’t receive love or affection from my family and friends. Which is actual BS! Thank you Heidi
The Priebe strikes again ⚡️ You're literally a guiding light through some massive changes in my life due to the results of actually doing the work. Thank you for this amazing series!
Thank you so much, Heidi. Please, could you make a video on how to make attunement to reality easier or at least how not to abandon the process? You're helping me so much and probably many others ❤
Heidi, I've watched many of your videos. I honestly didn't like the older ones, but i kept watching since there was always atleast one or two useful things I learned. The point of me saying this is that I have watched how you have changed, grown and progressed (i have only been subscribed a few months not years) in how you create and edit your videos. From the way you speak, how you articulate, speed, tone, etc. I enjoy this slower pace and how you just speak about the content and not any other nonsense/ads etc. I truly enjoy this. I want you to know I see how you have leveled up and I love it 🌞🤙🏻
Your wisdom, clarity of thought, and depth of understanding, and insightful perspective is remarkable!! Thank you for being you and sharing all this with us.. Recovering Perfectionist D
Hey Heidi, your videos are always jam-packed with information and even within a video there are multiple smaller topics covered by a single main topic. I'd sometimes prefer if you'd make shorter videos and more of them. I'd probably take in more that way. But maybe that's my ocd perfectionism talking 😁
Finally getting around to this video. Your videos are so helaing and dense it takes me a while to process them, especially since im also in therapy. Your videos and therapy are more than enough to chew on.
Hi Heidi! I wanted to drop you a quick note to say how much I love the illustrations and the way you include questions in your videos-it really helps with understanding. I have a couple of ideas that might make your content even better - twowards a more perfect channel (; It would be super helpful if you could add written summaries or key points in the video descriptions. Also, breaking up the content with paragraphs in the videos could make them easier to follow, especially for longer topics. Keep up the awesome work! You are changing the world for so many...
Really valuable content! I have been struggling with perfectionism for a very long time. Being an adult, dealing with everyday struggles has made it clear to me that this is an issue that I can no longer not deal with because it afects my personal and work relationships. However, I am at a stage that I feel ready to be honest about my vulnerabilities but somehow I dont know how to go about discussing them with other people, either in the workplace or in my personal life. I would say mostly in the professional area is what I struggle the most.
Heidi you are amazing. With each video you address so much of my inner demons and with your wisdom I am able to shed light into the darkness inside me. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for shedding a light on what secure looks like. After a long understanding of secure looks perfect, now I can see what secure looks like, acceptance of imperfections!
It’s so funny how my perfectionist mind loves to hear this message and go “ok so now we have to figure out how to come off perfectly authentic and perfectly present so people will like us and we will succeed and then we will be happy and loved.” It’s fighting for its life not to let go of its chokehold on me.
11:45 - Perfectionism v Excellence 15:30 - what are you trying to achieve? 17:00 - what imperfect person has the thing I want? 20:00 - fantasy to achieve x without having to y 26:31 - which problems do you enjoy? What do you enjoy doing so much that it doesn't matter if it never leads to a so-called *perfect* outcome? 30:29 - perfection in relationships
Maybe someone will finally love me when I'm perfect at doing whatever is possible for me while looking perkfect. And simultaneously don't understand why everyone else has more luck in Life even though they have a pimple on the forehead and two left hands. Recognized my childhood and teen self. Lucky I learned that lesson early
I like that you like someone enough that you don’t need it to be perfect - thanks again Heidi loving the Self Esteem series - it has come at the perfect time ❤
Thank you! You really are a life saver - I was questioning my path, but your video put it all into perspective... Its hard seeing how poorly I do some things, but I picked it up and am actually trying to do better, even though it sucks 🙂
Thank you, Heidi, for this video. I felt completely depressed when I handed in my doctoral dissertation. The moment was just so minor compared to everything I had lost in the process. I am now in the process of rebuilding a life that feels fulfilling to me and figuring out how to re-introduce work into the mix without having it devour my entire life again
I had my first ballroom dance showcase over the weekend. Several people, instructors, more experienced students, and a judge all asked me to dance. I always said yes, but I was so scared to look terrible in front of them. This video is helping me to get out of my head about wondering what they thought of me, which I have been doing since it ended. I think I need to watch this video several more times. Thank you so much.
Wow this video is one of your best I think! 👏 👏 👏 It really hit home for me. I feel like this is one of those videos you can watch over and over again and still be helpful in each of the different situations you are in while watching it.
Oh God... this is much needed for me.. currently i am struggling with perfectionism and procrastinating. It is ruining my day.. i have been writing a journal article for past 2 weeks and i can't complete it till now.
The “muscles” for me (as for the reel you mentioned) was and maybe still is “studying”-especially in academical sense and “the idea of money” (which I’ve never actually sat down to count how much i need to full-fill my needs and pursue the things i really want. 16:59
the fantasy that I have to mourn is the fantasy of a worthwhile life altogether. If things stayed as they are right now forever, then of course my life wouldn't be worth living, that's why I feel the way I do!
Heidi Thank you so much! You helped me see A caregiver striving for perfectionism with shame based childhood triggers And creative pursuits that leave lack of sleep I will look out my window and live life slower and enjoy what I can in the present and won’t life seem fuller then Now and till Thank you What about positive thinking and perfectionism!
Thank you Heidi for all your videos❤ I just recently found your channel, and the one about the inner child/parent helped me so much. I’ve been struggling with perfectionism, and this video came at the perfect time, so thank you!
Thank you for this video! It is fantastic, and brings some truths I really need right now, I’ve watched it several times and will do so again. I’ve been working on my perfectionism tendencies, I find they come back in really sneaky ways, it’s hard to learn a new way to be. I love that you differentiated between perfectionism and excellence, and how those are not connected but actually opposed!
As a kid, I was always either very good or very bad at things, and when I was bad, my peers absolutely let me know about it. It’s still difficult not to think of myself as someone who’s perpetually incompetent and therefore unable to earn the admiration that the people who do have “talent” get. I know I’ve taken some big steps to move forward, but it’s very much a process.
I have learned so much from this series. I have also watch 2 other presenters. I want to add something that I would appreciate someone addressing. I was born into abject poverty, a minority, female. When one is born into a socioeconomic situation one finds everyone else comes into contact with is from there as well. And here in this place it is always about survival. Showing up authentically and being vulnerable is cruising for a bruising. To move out of that low socioeconomic space is one in a billion. It makes for a lonely life to live at a higher level. I would love a presentation on living alone because of the circumstances. Does anyone know of a video on this? Thank you. Best wishes to everyone.
I have a rare brain condition that caused me to be born totally blind, on the autism spectrum, and it caused a few other things. I also have CPTSD. I’m a perfectionist, and it’s made me restrict myself in so many ways. I tell myself that I need to be happy 24/7 in life, to never struggle, never cry, don’t do these things that might benefit my blindness and autism because society sees it as socially “abnormal.” I struggle mainly with the always be happy 24/7, never cry, never reach out for support, always be happy and positive every single day in life and don’t ever show emotions of sadness or anger or nervousness, because I’m never allowed to do that. It’s not ok for me to do that. So I do my best to always mask those emotions and try to never reach out for support or comfort at all.
This one’s hard for me to put a finger on because I know I have perfectionist tendencies, but everything happens so automatically for me now that I don’t ever remember when or why I decided I needed to be perfect, and when I receive any criticism at work I feel awful and have trouble focusing until I can convince myself I’ll never make that mistake again. It’s difficult for me to discern if that’s because I fear rejection or if I can’t stand feeling imperfect.
so glad that I found your content!! seems like most of us are not willing to deal with imperfection anymore. Think dating apps contributed very much to skyrocketing expectations..
@heidipriebe, thank you so much for the work you're providing. I am among thousands whose lives have been changed for the better because of your dedication and skill. You are extremely gifted at taking complex issues and distilling them into accessible and easy-to-integrate models. I also appreciate your neutrality and compassion. I have been exploring the intersection between being highly sensitive and highly sensation-seeking and how that shows up alongside insecure attachment and trauma. I'm curious if these are topics you will be touching on in the future?
I think perfection is not the enemy of excellence, chasing perfection is. (12:03) When we chase perfection, we can, at best, enact our idea of perfection, and since I think true perfection is impossible (or at least incredibly hard and complex, see 22:47) to comprehend, anyway, any action we take in the chase will not truly contribute to perfection. In essence, I think perfection may be attainable, but only if we're not chasing it. I love the idea of asking ourselves, "Who has what I want to get out of my idea of perfection that isn't perfect in the ways I'd expect them to have to be?" It can reveal possibilities we've been completely ignoring. I love that you mention (at 22:47) that the more honestly, and authentically we show up and own our current imperfections, the more we expedite our growth (20:18). It's really easy for me to feel like people are saying that we should flaunt our imperfections, stubbornly protecting them as a part of our identity, when in reality, we can still grow beyond them eventually. It's just really important to genuinely accept the reality that we have those flaws, and be okay with it, even if we want to change. Of course, oftentimes I find that growth reveals that things I thought were imperfections are actually fine. For example, joy that used to be shame-bound for me in certain situations, and thus feeling happy about things often seemed like a flaw, but I know better now. It's not wrong to derive joy from, say, small achievements, even if they aren't a particularly big deal. There's a balance to be struck here, though. For example, I wouldn't want to take it too far and embrace Schadenfreude. I also really love the question, If I died halfway to achieving my goal, would I die happy with my life up to that point? Would I be happy with the way I spent each moment since I started my goal? (see 24:35)
I think this video is missing the light bulb of perfectionism being caused by trauma and therefore trauma healing being the real fix, but still as always great things were said!
“The opposite of perfectionism is not failure. The opposite of perfectionism is the attunement to reality.”
I love that 🔥
Came here to write this out. Thank you!
What the actual fuck excuse my language. I always thought that people were exaggerating when they said “this video came at the perfect time”. This video came out today, in the middle of my realization that perfectionism is holding me back.
You’re amazing Heidi. Don’t know how you do it but keep it up
Came here to the say the same thing!
Omg!! I've been diving deep into those same thoughts my self lately. So yeah, good timing!
“You cannot achieve your way out of experiencing any of basic human experiences and feelings that are inherent to living” --WOW that is so what I am trying to do
Same 😅
I'm pretty sure Heidi has never put out this many videos this fast for this long ever. This is an incredible run. I don't know what we did to deserve this, but oh boy am I loving it!! Heidi, you're on fire! ❤🔥🔥
He is going to pick up children first, then his true believers! Stay inside in times of darkness, make Jesus your Saviour! He is coming back!🥳🥳❤️❤️
@sandjvj911 RUclips monetizes much smaller channels than this. I'd like to think she's come far enough on her healing path that she's able to be more productive.
@sandjvj911yes this has less to do with money than you put it to. She seems more inspired
“People are not attracted to other people’s perfection.” Wow
People are attracted your energy mistakes in my experience when doing something. I don't need to be perfect. I just need enthusiastic try and do my best mistake and all
There going to be someone that going project their insecurities on you for doing what either because they can't do the same or can do with it excellence but they feel is still so far perfection that you offended them. But that's just them not me.
I've been a life long perfectionist. I've recently been fortunate enough to find a few friends who have been around me when I've been my worst and stuck around. I'm also employed at a non profit where my boss has viewed mistakes as learning opportunities . I've really thrived because of these 2 fortunate circumstances. Once I find a long term partner I think my life will be everything I've always wanted.
Congrats to you! That’s amazing, and it often takes a conscious effort to seek out such supportive connections. Also a lifelong perfectionist, and I’m working on it myself.
That's the key. People act like perfectionism isn't reinforced by society.
"Everything I've always wanted." Couldn't help but chuckle and that perfectionist view point.
This video finally explains why I feel good at work, but then I come home and feel so lost. I KNOW how to do my job and do it well, then I come home and don’t feel good enough for my life. Thank you for all you do Heidi.
You’ve hit the nail on the head! This is how I always feel and never knew why 😅
After watching the video, it reminds me of a time I learned this.
I was working a fast food job and treating with the severity of an Olympic athlete because I thought being the very best at something and being the most helpful to others was the only way I could find social acceptance. I ended my horribly codependent relationship and could barely function, and was several hours late every day for weeks.
Every week, the closing shift would go out Saturday. I figured I wouldn't be welcome due my poor performance. My entire world view was shattered when I got an invite to go anyway. Only then I realized that I was the one that actually cared about a stupid wage job, and other people weren't angry or judging me, they were concerned about me for my sake.
I never told the person who invited me how much that meant, but I still remember that years later.
With the severity of an Olympic athlete 😂😂😂 yup. Really relate to that.
Also... Maybe you should tell that person what it meant to you ☺people love hearing they've made an impact in someone's life. Makes them feel like they're part of a bigger picture. And you get to share that with someone.
It's nothing wrong about caring. My concern is that no one met you halfway in terms of helping you out so you wouldn't push so hard. 😕
I wonder... how can I be myself if I don't know who I am?
I spent my whole life playing different characters. Countless personalities, but no sense of identity. In recent years I have been affected by incapacitating depression, to the point of putting an end to my acting. All I was left with was nothingness. The absolute absence of personality, likes and dislikes.
It is nice to know that there is a logical and clinical explanation for the things that happen inside me. Not only does it help to understand, but it brings comfort to know that there is a logic behind things that explains why they are the way they are. Thank you, Heidi!
Same thing happend with me, except with burnout.
As they say, Rome wasent built in a day and its the same thing with finding out who is in there without the acting.
Finding out your likes and Did likes takes time, specially when you've never allowed yourself to be. Your inner voice and compass is always there, but the "voice" is very weak.
My word for 2024 id patience as i work on building myself back up/finding my authentic self. I recommend it to be a focus for you too. ❤
It seems corny, but try to just sit with yourself, almost in a calm meditative state, closing your eyes and slowing your breathing.
Then, literally ask yourself (exactly as if you are talking directly to your subconscious mind) "who am I? Underneath who I am being outwardly, who am I? Where is the real me?"
I kid you not, either answers or epiphanies will come to you, OR , you will literally begin to change subconsciously into the person you really are.
In the book 'the chimp paradox', the author said (and I cried at this because it hit me like a ton of bricks): "write down on paper the exact values you want to have, the behaviours, and the type of characteristics you want to have (courage, openness, confidence etc). If you have written something down as a wish, it is because that thing is already within you, somewhere." 😊
I feel you BIG time. Trust me. Same exact thoughts.
What I've been doing recently is just pursuing creative enterprises. Find the coolest thing in the whole world to you (for me it's music, guns, humor, and nature) and then create something in those areas you love. Anything. Don't judge yourself. Just explore. It's like creative mental skydiving. You'll get lost in passion and you'll never feel like you're wasting your life ever again. And you won't even ask yourself who you are anymore..
You'll create yourself :)
Honestly I’ve been through this too- only thing is I realised that I was playing “different characters” because of my toxic shame. My perfectionism also stemmed from that too.
I’m working on it now and I’m way better than I was 2 years ago it’s almost incredible.
I hope we find the peace we’re looking for 💛
The best quote I've heard recently is "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong" and this really helped with my perfectionism. If something is worth doing, then it's worth doing just to do it even if you're not perfect.
Also, don't do something to be perfect. Do it because you love to create. Creative pursuit is heavily intertwined with purpose and passion.
I was raised on “If it’s not worth doing right, it’s not worth doing it at all.”
@WASDLeftClick, that phrase is so defeating to me.
@@smokingcrab2290 Raised by perfectionists, been one from a very young age, still not sure how to break out of it or if I even can before the world falls apart anyways.
"Rather than find faults in cracks, tears and other imperfections, the Japanese concept of *wabi-sabi* encourages us to appreciate that nothing is truly perfect or permanent."
Rapture is at the door!🙌❤️You will soon see aeroplanes falling due to high winds, we are just waiting for Damascus to fall and Alaska to experience back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3! We will see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets as the signs of his imminent comming! He is at the door BTW He will take children first! 🙏Please, warn unbelievers that in the days of darkness, after children and believers are taken, they should not get out, close curtains, not react to any noises from outside and make Jesus their Lord and Savior and pray non-stop. Jesus will also deliver them after those days of darkness!❤️🙏🙌
Something that took quite a long time to really sink in for me, is the way in which your own unrealistic standards for yourself, are often the standards you end up applying to the other people in your life; often with the reflexive belief that you’re not doing it. If *you* fall short, and you’re making all of these concerted efforts toward excellence (a super subjective, and dangerous term), the people you see not chasing that standard can seem inferior; most likely in a really covert way that you would deny if asked. So, perfectionism can rob you of your own peace of mind and self value, and also have the residual effect of alienating you from the people closest to you because on some deep level, you don’t see them as equals. Awesome.
For me, it's more about having high expectations and goals for myself, which creates all this internal pressure that builds up inside. It often leads me to eventually quitting after starting for a while. I'm learning how to manage it, but it sure is a process.
This is me
Yeah I'm probably going to need a therapist for this one, because right now it's too much for me, I'm either too neurodivergent, too shame-bound, or much more traumatized than I thought I was, to know what I would like my life to be like if I wasn't drowning all the time in basic life stuff. I don't even care about having a romantic relationship, or a "desirable body" (yuck), I just want a clean apartment, enough sleep time, and to not feel like I'm constantly behind or constantly being asked to "step out of my comfort zone".
thanks for sharing, I can relate very much. so atleast I now know Im not alone with that feeling
@@Freyr94 sorry to hear that, and thanks for replying ❤️
After leaving this comment I went to watch the video on *emotional neglect* Heidi made not too long ago, and it felt like the missing piece I needed to make sense of my whole mess of a mental state. Even though I was already well aware of that concept it seems a refresher was needed, so now I have a clearer picture of what I need to begin to work on, and... I guess my initial point about needing my therapist still stands.
But I just wanted to leave you with the suggestion to watch that other video if you haven't already. All the best!
5 Questions to ask yourself to figure out what you're trying to achieve from your perfectionism:
*1. Which base level skills are really important for achieving the kind of life that I want that I am completely ignoring? (blindspots)*
- Who has the thing I want despite not being perfect at the thing I'm telling myself I need to be perfect at in order to get that thing?
*2. What would I have to grieve if I were to give up my attachment to this ideal?*
- How would I FEEL if remained like this for the rest of my life?
*3. What would it look like for me to show up congruently at the level I'm at?*
- if I were not trying to hide my imperfections, instead showing up authentically and displaying my imperfections - what would people see?
*4. What do I wholeheartedly enjoy progressing towards?*
- if I died halfway to achieving this goal, would I be happy en route to this goal?
- What makes life meaningful for us?
- What would I enjoy doing anyway, result or without?
*5. If there was no perfection, which imperfections would I most enjoy spending my time on?*
- Which problems do you enjoy spending time on?
- Are the goals I'm moving towards enriching my life in the present moment? OR is it taking away and making me feel deadened?
🙌🙌🙌
Thank you!
If I died halfway, I'd just be dead. 🤨
Thanks 🙏🏼
Thank you
"People are not attracted to other people's perfection"
1 like = 1 tear
Heidi please don’t stop making these videos!!! They are so helpful!!!
Every day with a Heidi video is a good day ❤
Totally agree! Brings my brain a little shot of dopamine every time.
@@laurenparnell2483 And the best part is her videos help me on my journey to not being addicted to external sources of dopamine. Very thankful for that.
Rapture is at the door!🙌❤️You will soon see aeroplanes falling due to high winds, we are just waiting for Damascus to fall and Alaska to experience back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3! We will see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets as the signs of his imminent comming! He is at the door BTW He will take children first! 🙏Please, warn unbelievers that in the days of darkness, after children and believers are taken, they should not get out, close curtains, not react to any noises from outside and make Jesus their Lord and Savior and pray non-stop. Jesus will also deliver them after those days of darkness!❤️🙏🙌
The way you say things.. makes me listen instead of shutdown. I never feel like I’m being judged or talked down to. I appreciate you! ❤
He is going to pick up children first, then his true believers! Stay inside in times of darkness, make Jesus your Saviour! He is coming back!🥳🥳❤️❤️
She is explaining a very difficult topic in very tender way , I love her so much 💗
@@weronikaasomsson2404 we don't need your fake lord here ❤
@@Lu-ot8hs What I wrote is true, and you will see it pretty soon. God Bless!
@@weronikaasomsson2404 😂😂😂😂 watch the news and see what's happening to children in your worship places .
Pro tip for coming back from a perfectionism death spiral:
Be intentional. Don't give in to eating ice cream. DECIDE to eat ice cream. Maintaining your sense of self control and will power is paramount. It really helps you get back on the horse.
And remember the Roman Empire every single day.
Why not question the urge? Who is making the request and how does it feel in one’s body? I try to keep my intention based on self compassion and loving kindness so I can live in presence instead of perfection- being in presence would mean you could witness the urge of ice cream and let it go
I like to attach purpose and meaning to things. If I'm eating ice cream I think to myself "what am I creating by doing this? What's the meaning of it?" and if I'm doing it to create a good positive moment then I'll do it. But if I'm doing it to escape, or change my mood and use it as a cope, then I won't do it. Because that's the opposite of creativity
Cold showers help with that. I intentionally turn that knob to 90 degrees for 20 seconds and it’s easier to recall that same mindset later. I can’t always get myself to do “the thing of the day” but I seem to accomplish more with that morning habit at least.
He is going to pick up children first, then his true believers! Stay inside in times of darkness, make Jesus your Saviour! He is coming back!🥳🥳❤️❤️
Yes! I've started saying, with almost every action - I am *choosing* this. As a way to bring power to myself - as opposed to acting my default and/or staying in victim mentality.
your videos are great because you educate people and provide guidance on how to help themselves. you're not trying to sell something or win the algorithm game. your work is very genuine and i appreciate the time, effort, and vulnerability you put into your videos. they have helped me tremendously. thank you.
so many realizations. My old wounds keep getting in the way, but I don't realize my mistakes until it's too late.
You’re doing Gods work, Heids! thankyou for your wisdom, articulation and tenderness in expression.
If there was one channel on RUclips I would have to pick....
Amazing. I have been in a state of denial with regard to perfectionism. Distancing from myself and others unconsciously only to wonder why I was not getting the connections I craved for
My favorite quote is a attributed to Voltaire, and is immortalized on my skin in the form of an album cover by a favorite metal band, who used the quote as an album title: “The perfect is the enemy of the good.“ I don’t think there’s a single concept that has had more of a positive impact on my self esteem, finding fulfillment and connection in relationships, etc. I’m a new subscriber and really appreciate your sober, compassionate style in discussing these issues, that are so central to our experience of the world.
Hi, Heidi! I love your videos. They are super helpful.
On the topic of self-esteem, I would love to hear you talk about how to learn to take up space in the world.
I find I’m always so scared of showing myself authentically, the things I enjoy, the things I’m good at, I’ve learned to just be out of the way, not to be “a bother”, now is an adult it’s really hard to shake that off and it holds me back in many things, including projects I know I could do great in, and have gotten the same responses from other people. It just doesn’t feel true and I get extremely anxious. “Complex trauma is complex”, as you say it.
I’d also love to hear about how to accept you have needs and it’s okay to cater to them, even if they aren’t merely “survival” or “practical” ones. I’ve recently told my husband “I don’t know how to need things”. I’ve come to the realization I tend to structure my life around “chores” and never enjoyment, I suck at asking for help, because I don’t even consider it an option in the first place. And I’d love to experience more art or enjoyment but I always feel so guilty about it and like my life will fall apart if I give in to these necessities…
I would love to have given a more straightforward prompt but that’s as well as I could articulate it. I hope it was clear enough.
Thanks again! ❤
I feel this so much also. When you said "chores" that hit me. I do that... Every day.
I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything. The goal is always perfection that isn't attainable.
It's an exhausting life, and it greatly impacts relationships.
I've never wished someone as much success as I'm wishing for you right now. You're doing such meaningful work, and your videos have helped me tremendously! I wish you all the best, Heidi, and I hope you realise that you're accomplishing something truly significant here ❤
Your kind wisdom is uplifting ✨
Two years ago, in a moment which was not new to me, I felt so overwhelmed that I just wanted to sleep. I laid down, closed my eyes, and suddenly realized I wasn’t needing sleep at all.
That was the moment I realized my perfectionism. It kicked off a journey of working on myself. Of course, my first goal was to forgive myself. Secondly, become perfect at understanding my imperfections. lol oops
Then, I practiced forgiving myself again, and now I’m in a place where I can much better accept myself and others as we are, while still working towards bettering things, if necessary. Because it’s not always necessary.
Heidi was one of the voices I would listen to on this journey. There was a time I didn’t want to miss a single video. Now, I do check-ins with myself. It’s not perfect. It’s what I need. ❤
It is okay to be perfectly imperfect or just realize perfection or goodness is what life is not badness or imperfection. Life is just life. You don't judge an injured plant or animal, so why judge yourself???
Yes I do LOL
In my early life, the cost of making mistakes was high. Sometimes even things that I thought were allowed were not allowed at the moment my mother became enraged about it.
I was expected to be a little adult. Don't make messes. Don't be seen nor heard, lest you remind everyone you were in the room. Don't touch things that didn't belong to you. In fact, don't touch anything because none of it is really yours.
I was criticized and/or shamed about everything I did. Bullied at home, bullied at school. So, I kept everything private. If I wasn't good at something, I simply stopped doing it. I convinced myself I wasn't really good at anything, no matter what anyone else said.
So, to watch this video now, I see the points Heidi is trying to make. However, I'm not ready to put myself out there. It isn't safe. It's too easy to stay in my head -- I've done that all my life. I have responsibilities in real life that don't coincide with risk taking or making dreams reality. None of that feels safe.
Can relate. Some parents are f.cking evil. They abusively prevent your growth and want you to always feel helpless and powerless, so that they can manipulate and control you for their own satisfaction and comfort.
This shit systematically applied to your psyche since childhood results in a trauma that doesn't just go away.
People suck.
I relate to this a lot. This video was a bit hard to watch for me because of this - I simply don't feel even remotely ready or capable of even considering any of the points she brought up.
I think there's a time and place for things like this too. You have to be at a certain level of healed and safe before you can even begin to think about the bigger things. In fact, it might be detrimental to push yourself to focus on what your nervous system just isn't ready to handle now. Not to mention the specific beliefs and traumas that only further complicate these goals for us.
I wish you and others in a similar boat healing. I hope someday we all find peace.
That’s the thing; the problem tends to be others in positions of power who are able to make life miserable if you’re not perfect. While I’m blessed to be away from most of that now, it doesn’t change the fact that most demands of perfection came from adults during my most formative years. So even just trying to stop caring doesn’t help if someone else shows up to replay those same childhood nightmares.
maybe doing ifs (internal family systems) therapy can help you to heal that wounded part of you :) i find it incredibly fascinating and heidi talked about it in some of her videos as well
Your work is completely life altering in the best of ways. Like oh, it's not that I'm not disciplined, the problem is motivating through meanness. Or with some of your other videos like oh, I'm not evil/bad because I'm resentful and angry, I'm resentful and angry because I have a slew of unconscious unmet needs. Thank you. Literally crying over here! 😭
I had a coach I hired tell me 'continuing these behaviors once you notice them are evil' and punished by the V.A. mental health staff because I refused to try any more psychiatric drugs and continued to smoke weed... And after all these years of trying to find some real help here it is. It really means a lot.
Heidi, you are amazing. GOD.
How is it possible that you always post the exactly perfect video for my situation at the right time? Nothing gave me more Truman Show-feelings than RUclips in the last months ^^
I'd really love to see you do a video about counter dependacy. There's millions of videos about codependency but very few about counter dependacy
Amen. She gives voice to the hyper independent instincts of avoidant attachment with more compassion and understanding than anyone else I’ve seen/heard.
This video helped me set boundaries with my family and ask for help ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
I had this perfectionist belief that I could not ask for help or delegate because then I wouldn’t receive love or affection from my family and friends. Which is actual BS!
Thank you Heidi
The Priebe strikes again ⚡️ You're literally a guiding light through some massive changes in my life due to the results of actually doing the work. Thank you for this amazing series!
Thank you so much, Heidi. Please, could you make a video on how to make attunement to reality easier or at least how not to abandon the process? You're helping me so much and probably many others ❤
Heidi, I've watched many of your videos. I honestly didn't like the older ones, but i kept watching since there was always atleast one or two useful things I learned. The point of me saying this is that I have watched how you have changed, grown and progressed (i have only been subscribed a few months not years) in how you create and edit your videos. From the way you speak, how you articulate, speed, tone, etc. I enjoy this slower pace and how you just speak about the content and not any other nonsense/ads etc. I truly enjoy this. I want you to know I see how you have leveled up and I love it 🌞🤙🏻
This healed something inside of me. Thank you ❤
I love the visual schedule next to your talk. It helps to digest the information.
a very hard but essential truth to be reminded of! thank you !!!
Your wisdom, clarity of thought, and depth of understanding, and insightful perspective is remarkable!! Thank you for being you and sharing all this with us.. Recovering Perfectionist D
Hey Heidi, your videos are always jam-packed with information and even within a video there are multiple smaller topics covered by a single main topic. I'd sometimes prefer if you'd make shorter videos and more of them. I'd probably take in more that way. But maybe that's my ocd perfectionism talking 😁
Finally getting around to this video. Your videos are so helaing and dense it takes me a while to process them, especially since im also in therapy. Your videos and therapy are more than enough to chew on.
I really needed this, thank you.
Hi Heidi!
I wanted to drop you a quick note to say how much I love the illustrations and the way you include questions in your videos-it really helps with understanding.
I have a couple of ideas that might make your content even better - twowards a more perfect channel (; It would be super helpful if you could add written summaries or key points in the video descriptions. Also, breaking up the content with paragraphs in the videos could make them easier to follow, especially for longer topics.
Keep up the awesome work! You are changing the world for so many...
This video is life changing.. thank you ❤
Goshhhhh I love you Heidi. thank you always for the meaningful in depth explanations you give. this is the kind of resistance my mind needs to hear
Thank you for all you do Heidi! You’re incredibly insightful. These kinds of videos are so helpful for taking back power over your life
Really valuable content! I have been struggling with perfectionism for a very long time. Being an adult, dealing with everyday struggles has made it clear to me that this is an issue that I can no longer not deal with because it afects my personal and work relationships. However, I am at a stage that I feel ready to be honest about my vulnerabilities but somehow I dont know how to go about discussing them with other people, either in the workplace or in my personal life. I would say mostly in the professional area is what I struggle the most.
I just can't emphasize enough how amazingly helpful this channel has been to my self work; thank you so, so much Heidi!
Heidi you are amazing. With each video you address so much of my inner demons and with your wisdom I am able to shed light into the darkness inside me. Thank you. Thank you so much.
One of your best videos yet Heidi!! I wish I could memorize every word you say 😂
Thank you so much for shedding a light on what secure looks like. After a long understanding of secure looks perfect, now I can see what secure looks like, acceptance of imperfections!
It’s so funny how my perfectionist mind loves to hear this message and go “ok so now we have to figure out how to come off perfectly authentic and perfectly present so people will like us and we will succeed and then we will be happy and loved.” It’s fighting for its life not to let go of its chokehold on me.
Thank u ❤ I’m from Taiwan.
What you uploaded has saved me in many ways.❤
So much wisdom in this! Thank you
10:58 Preach!! 🙌🏻👏🏻
Just realized this (on my 40th bday nonetheless).
Better late than never 😅
Thank you for all of your videos. You helped me a lot with your practical advices Heidi.
Love your videos as always
27:52. Wisdom ❤️❤️❤️
11:45 - Perfectionism v Excellence
15:30 - what are you trying to achieve?
17:00 - what imperfect person has the thing I want?
20:00 - fantasy to achieve x without having to y
26:31 - which problems do you enjoy? What do you enjoy doing so much that it doesn't matter if it never leads to a so-called *perfect* outcome?
30:29 - perfection in relationships
Maybe someone will finally love me when I'm perfect at doing whatever is possible for me while looking perkfect. And simultaneously don't understand why everyone else has more luck in Life even though they have a pimple on the forehead and two left hands.
Recognized my childhood and teen self. Lucky I learned that lesson early
I like that you like someone enough that you don’t need it to be perfect - thanks again Heidi loving the Self Esteem series - it has come at the perfect time ❤
Thank you Heidi
Thank you! You really are a life saver - I was questioning my path, but your video put it all into perspective...
Its hard seeing how poorly I do some things, but I picked it up and am actually trying to do better, even though it sucks 🙂
Thank you, Heidi, for this video. I felt completely depressed when I handed in my doctoral dissertation. The moment was just so minor compared to everything I had lost in the process. I am now in the process of rebuilding a life that feels fulfilling to me and figuring out how to re-introduce work into the mix without having it devour my entire life again
I had my first ballroom dance showcase over the weekend. Several people, instructors, more experienced students, and a judge all asked me to dance. I always said yes, but I was so scared to look terrible in front of them. This video is helping me to get out of my head about wondering what they thought of me, which I have been doing since it ended. I think I need to watch this video several more times. Thank you so much.
Wow this video is one of your best I think! 👏 👏 👏 It really hit home for me. I feel like this is one of those videos you can watch over and over again and still be helpful in each of the different situations you are in while watching it.
Your videos are so cleansing to the soul. This one really hit home for me. Thank you for all of your good work! ✨
Nice presentation Difficult topic... Thanks
Oh God... this is much needed for me.. currently i am struggling with perfectionism and procrastinating. It is ruining my day.. i have been writing a journal article for past 2 weeks and i can't complete it till now.
🎉 lots good insights 🎉
Oh so I should be perfectionist in how much I shouldn't be perfectionist? That sound perfect right?
The “muscles” for me (as for the reel you mentioned) was and maybe still is “studying”-especially in academical sense and “the idea of money” (which I’ve never actually sat down to count how much i need to full-fill my needs and pursue the things i really want. 16:59
the fantasy that I have to mourn is the fantasy of a worthwhile life altogether. If things stayed as they are right now forever, then of course my life wouldn't be worth living, that's why I feel the way I do!
Heidi
Thank you so much!
You helped me see
A caregiver striving for perfectionism with shame based childhood triggers
And creative pursuits that leave lack of sleep
I will look out my window and live life slower and enjoy what I can in the present and won’t life seem fuller then
Now and till
Thank you
What about positive thinking and perfectionism!
You’re on an amazing roll with this series. Keep. Going.
That was perfect.
Thank you Heidi for all your videos❤ I just recently found your channel, and the one about the inner child/parent helped me so much. I’ve been struggling with perfectionism, and this video came at the perfect time, so thank you!
Thank you for this video! It is fantastic, and brings some truths I really need right now, I’ve watched it several times and will do so again.
I’ve been working on my perfectionism tendencies, I find they come back in really sneaky ways, it’s hard to learn a new way to be. I love that you differentiated between perfectionism and excellence, and how those are not connected but actually opposed!
As a kid, I was always either very good or very bad at things, and when I was bad, my peers absolutely let me know about it. It’s still difficult not to think of myself as someone who’s perpetually incompetent and therefore unable to earn the admiration that the people who do have “talent” get. I know I’ve taken some big steps to move forward, but it’s very much a process.
Your videos are changing my life. I am so grateful 😭🥺💖
I have learned so much from this series. I have also watch 2 other presenters. I want to add something that I would appreciate someone addressing.
I was born into abject poverty, a minority, female. When one is born into a socioeconomic situation one finds everyone else comes into contact with is from there as well. And here in this place it is always about survival. Showing up authentically and being vulnerable is cruising for a bruising. To move out of that low socioeconomic space is one in a billion. It makes for a lonely life to live at a higher level. I would love a presentation on living alone because of the circumstances. Does anyone know of a video on this? Thank you. Best wishes to everyone.
I love you, Heidi. Thank you for existing ❤
26:55 - love this. I never thought I could have problems I enjoy solving…I usually just get really frustrated and try to avoid them altogether lol
Great video thank you
I have a rare brain condition that caused me to be born totally blind, on the autism spectrum, and it caused a few other things. I also have CPTSD. I’m a perfectionist, and it’s made me restrict myself in so many ways. I tell myself that I need to be happy 24/7 in life, to never struggle, never cry, don’t do these things that might benefit my blindness and autism because society sees it as socially “abnormal.” I struggle mainly with the always be happy 24/7, never cry, never reach out for support, always be happy and positive every single day in life and don’t ever show emotions of sadness or anger or nervousness, because I’m never allowed to do that. It’s not ok for me to do that. So I do my best to always mask those emotions and try to never reach out for support or comfort at all.
This one’s hard for me to put a finger on because I know I have perfectionist tendencies, but everything happens so automatically for me now that I don’t ever remember when or why I decided I needed to be perfect, and when I receive any criticism at work I feel awful and have trouble focusing until I can convince myself I’ll never make that mistake again. It’s difficult for me to discern if that’s because I fear rejection or if I can’t stand feeling imperfect.
Heidi you are such a godsent! Always at the right time
so glad that I found your content!! seems like most of us are not willing to deal with imperfection anymore. Think dating apps contributed very much to skyrocketing expectations..
@heidipriebe, thank you so much for the work you're providing. I am among thousands whose lives have been changed for the better because of your dedication and skill. You are extremely gifted at taking complex issues and distilling them into accessible and easy-to-integrate models. I also appreciate your neutrality and compassion. I have been exploring the intersection between being highly sensitive and highly sensation-seeking and how that shows up alongside insecure attachment and trauma. I'm curious if these are topics you will be touching on in the future?
It’s like you made this video for me 😅 I need to really reflect in this
Thank you so much for this.
Your videos are so helpful. I think I've wasted most of my life stuck in this.
Thank you, and please don’t stop!
I think perfection is not the enemy of excellence, chasing perfection is. (12:03) When we chase perfection, we can, at best, enact our idea of perfection, and since I think true perfection is impossible (or at least incredibly hard and complex, see 22:47) to comprehend, anyway, any action we take in the chase will not truly contribute to perfection. In essence, I think perfection may be attainable, but only if we're not chasing it.
I love the idea of asking ourselves, "Who has what I want to get out of my idea of perfection that isn't perfect in the ways I'd expect them to have to be?" It can reveal possibilities we've been completely ignoring.
I love that you mention (at 22:47) that the more honestly, and authentically we show up and own our current imperfections, the more we expedite our growth (20:18). It's really easy for me to feel like people are saying that we should flaunt our imperfections, stubbornly protecting them as a part of our identity, when in reality, we can still grow beyond them eventually. It's just really important to genuinely accept the reality that we have those flaws, and be okay with it, even if we want to change. Of course, oftentimes I find that growth reveals that things I thought were imperfections are actually fine. For example, joy that used to be shame-bound for me in certain situations, and thus feeling happy about things often seemed like a flaw, but I know better now. It's not wrong to derive joy from, say, small achievements, even if they aren't a particularly big deal. There's a balance to be struck here, though. For example, I wouldn't want to take it too far and embrace Schadenfreude.
I also really love the question, If I died halfway to achieving my goal, would I die happy with my life up to that point? Would I be happy with the way I spent each moment since I started my goal? (see 24:35)
I think this video is missing the light bulb of perfectionism being caused by trauma and therefore trauma healing being the real fix, but still as always great things were said!