I’ve often noticed resentment towards people when they express interpersonal needs, and I think the implicit belief for me is “I’m not allowed to have needs and express them to you, so it’s unfair for you to have needs and express them to me”
Me too! It’s so annoying, being both the believer of such a thing, and occasionally a recipient of such anger when I can express what little needs I have, only to be seen as a weakling by someone even more repressed!
Can I also just take the time to appreciate how this channel has no sponsorships and irritating ads for 'online therapy' brands who are incredibly sketchy. If you have a Patreon I'd definitely chip in each month because your channel has been invaluable to me and my journey with CPTSD.
I legit had a lightbulb moment hearing relationship are supposed to be about mutual meeting of needs. I mean I repressed even the thought that I could have needs lol
I recently had a weird situation where a girl was, much to my bafflement, attempting to flirt with me (never happened before). One thing that struck me a bit was that she kept asking me what I wish from her and my response was always to ask right back what she wants me to wish. I genuinely had no wish and was too afraid that saying anything at all would be a mistake anyway. She got quite irritated at me being so utterly unable to play along.
Same here and I learned that my mom's needs were always met with anger and contempt. So I'm now doing the same stupid a$$ thing. Getting the divorce is better for the children or just don't have children.
Absolutely. Barely tolerating each other. On a daily basis. No affection. At best, ignored each other. At worst, put downs or open irritation and fighting.
29:34 “believing that our needs , wants and desires and authenticity matters is often the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and other people in the long run “
Thank you. Heidi. I’m 70 years old. My wife got me a birthday present of fixing my teeth. Dental Implants. Full upper and lower implants. She paid for the surgery and procedure. She gave this gift as a surprise. She literally put a smile on my face ❤
Heidi, I'd love for you to do a video on what needs look like in a healthy vs unhealthy relationship. I think many of us with attachment issues think needs are typically very simple: sex, money, calling, texting frequency, honesty. I'm finding that as I move towards Secure attachment, my needs sounds more complex, like "I have a deep need for my partner to take responsibility for their emotions and actions and try to be open about my feedback because responses like defensiveness and reflect really push me away" or "I have a deep need for my partner to engage in recreational activities with me and work with me to find activities that work for both of us". I'd love a video on examples of the types of needs that healthy couples express to each other.
Check out nonviolent communication. Yes you can have needs and wants - and nobody is responsible for meeting them. They can agree on doing it if it works for them, but they are totally allowed to say no and then it’s up to you to find other “creative ways” of meeting your needs either yourself of through other people. Otherwise it’s manipulation: “Now that I expressed my needs so clearly, you must meet them, or else!”
Weirdly the opposite for me, I felt despair about romantic relationships before discovering her and the more I watch the more I feel hope...also, related, I realized my patterns in romance and friendship are the same so I can work on my ability to have both by working on both.
Whenever I feel the way that I associate with your description, it turns out I'm having a problem in a life area that I never received support for as a kid. It helps to acknowledge those - it feels like I get a mental asterisk on the loss, in a way. I think it's a factor in avoiding meltdowns from not knowing how I feel or what to do. Gosh I hope that makes sense!!
@@BuckitOfSean Sam Vaknin: Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy (DNMS) is psychotherapy, it is trauma therapy. People who have been exposed to verbal, physical, sexual, psychological abuse - they're traumatized, they have attachment wounds, usually inflicted by parental rejection, neglect, or opposite- enmeshment, infusion, spoiling, pampering. DNMS is ego state therapy, there's assumption that developmental needs were not adequately met in childhood, is stuck in childhood.
I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of the feeling that my needs, emotions and being matters as much to someone else as their own matter to them.
Some of the tools I was given on this were - ask yourself, if you could be granted anything at all, one magic wish, what would you ask for? Determine the need behind this and how you can fulfill it yourself, no matter if at a very very small scale - one was a wheel where there are the different areas of your life identified (work, finances, wellness, family and friends, primary relationship, personal growth, fun and hobbies, physical environment) and there are 10 concentrical layers of circles and you have to draw out how satisfied you are in that area of your life - - if you aren't, prolly a bunch of unmet needs there - another tool was an exhaustive list of fundamental needs (physical, intellectual, spiritual - - spiritual was stuff like finding a meaning, using my potential, having the sensation of developing /growing towards what I am supposed to be, believing and affirming certain values, work towards realizing higher aspirations). On a scale of 0 to 5 you had first to rate your degree of satisfaction and then the degree of importance this need has for you, dividing the satisfaction by the importance for you to see the real answer and whether you invested too much effort or too little into answering that need. I loved those tools back then, and I go back to them every now and then. :) counseling would be amazing if it's available for you!
You have no idea how many people you are helping with your channel! You are the ANGEL that many of us were in need of! May God bless your soul and your mind! 😇🙏🏻🩷
Last night I literally had the craziest shame attack ever, and now this video shows up!!! How do you always know exactly what we need to hear? Crazy !!! Thank you so much Heidi Priebe!!
Heidi, The hand of God has placed you on this Earth to explain this incredibly complex and sensitive relationship stuff in a kind, thoughful and extremely articulate way... Thank you
The reason they were feeling resentful was not because they were doing more work, it was because they were suppressing more of themselves in order to do the work. So true.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I suffer from toxic shame whenever I need anything that inconveniences anyone. I recently decided I needed to switch jobs. My first thought after that was, "I'll be making my boss and coworkers' lives harder because they'll have to cover my shifts. How can I do this to them?" I logically know that this is just a part of life, and they won't be offended. But it still bubbles up!
During your explanation of how a person can develop contempt for their partner when they feel they need to not only regulate themselves but also regulate their partner's emotions, I realized that's what's going on with me and my partner. My partner is absolutely wonderful and amazing, but I've been using them to regulate myself when I nosedive into a self-hate spiral or am experiencing an emotional flashback. They've been trying to communicate to me that it's becoming too much for them and you put into words that what they are experiencing is a "crushing pressure." I'm not doing it intentionally, but that's exactly what's happening. I can become extremely overwhelmed by my emotions at the drop of a hat over something so trivial - a different definition of being "trigger happy" almost - except there's nothing happy about it. And then the toxic shame kicks in; shame over being so trigger sensitive, shame over what I'm doing to my partner, shame that I can't seem to Just Stop, shame that I'm not the person that my partner deserves, shame about the fact that if I can't figure my own shit out, my partner WILL develop contempt for me eventually and it will be of my own doing. Thank you for your videos, I usually get something out of each and every one. :)
Can't help but find resonance in your comment, and felt compelled to reply - these videos from Heidi have been absolutely invaluable on my journey of discovery, too, and there's another teacher who's also been a phenomenal resource here on the 'tube that I'd like to share with you, in hopes the info could assist in your healing as it has mine...Tim Fletcher has some excellent info on shame-based trauma, triggers, how the limbic brain ties in, and includes steps/ways in which one can begin the healing process. I highly recommend checking him out, too, in combination with the other jewels like Heidi providing their insightful, compassionate knowledge and helping countless people!! Thank you, Heidi, and dear @peggysue4521, I wish you peace, strength, love, and hope along your way! 💕
There are some needs that might be zero sum. Smaller needs probably not but in the big life decision i.e. getting married, having kids, choosing where to live, etc. If you and your significant other are in direct opposition there might not be a solution that will satisfy anyone's needs. For someone security attached identifying one of these conflicting needs might mean the end of a relationship but in a mutual and healthy way. For someone insecurely attached the fear of losing a relationship is enough to force them to suppress those needs for the "greater good" and continue on.
Thank you !! Holy shit I have been dealing with feeling like my needs and my gfs are just incompatible and that just means we’re doomed. We have both hurt each other deeply because of this belief and are trying to work through it but hearing that needs and wants can be mismatched and it’s just a part of living blew my mind! I have definitely seen my wants and needs as something that I have to fight for to get bc that’s how my family operates and its been deteriorating my relationship with my gf soo much. Especially when they mismatch it feels like everything is falling apart and she feels as though Im trying to change who she is as a person. We have been able to reach conclusions together in a healthy way but I have never seen it through the lens of it being a normal part of relationships and it always felt like I was just delaying the inevitable. This really helped my perspective thank you so much for your channel its been really helpful to work on myself and my own toxic shame. It nearly destroyed my relationship and it was damaging my relationship to my own self. I was feeling so out of body bc of trauma and felt fundamentally broken but your videos have helped me tremendously. Thank you!
You know what's funny, when im in the mindset to listen to one of your videos to improve my well-being, its always the videos if yours that i want to click on the least, that are the most relevant and important for me.
Dear Heidi, it happens quite often, that I feel like you know exactly what problems I have and you’re trying to help me address them through what you say in your videos!! It’s just unbelievable!! Especially, relationships and self esteem! I wonder how did she know! Can’t thank you enough for all this work you are doing!!! ♥️ God bless you!!
I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I felt so ashamed or upset at myself for wanting a more romantic or intimate relationship with my platonic partner several months ago, but then along came this video and now I understand 😂 I told them about it, but when they politely turned that down I felt awful after. Worst part is: I felt anxious to tell them for months before this. 😅 I now see it: I was worried if they declined I would be labeled or decided as "bad" for my feelings 😅 I feel much better, and this is probably going to help me move forward while still being close to them!
Also, before says that this just sounds like being friends with extra steps: please remember that not every relationship needs that element of romance or sexuality to be highly valued, important, or meaningful. I call them my platonic partner because we've known each other for years now, and we get each other on a very deep level, and we communicate about things most friends typically wouldn't due to boundaries or norms. I talk to them about a lot of important decisions in my life, as I would a partner. They do as well. We don't have as big of a seperation when it comes to that aspect, so it makes logical sense to call them that. I also feel am very attached to them, and in such a way that this means that it would be difficult to explain to another without such a label 😅
Wow! You just tore apart a whole world I'd created for myself piece by piece. I knew there was shame, I just didn't realize how much shame there was and how it has controlled my life. Even now, I had to switch my RUclips account to post this.
My life in one video, lol. Even had a business which led to a nervous breakdown, did a conflict course recently and started to intentionally express my needs. The synchronicity is wild!
What need do you have which lets you experience synchronicities with Heidi? Need of connection, sharing the same thoughts with somebody perhaps. Or a need of being understood and seen...
Heidi, PLEASE, say more about our relational needs! I totally see myself as an avoidant person who is unaware of them and regulating myslef for years. It would mean so much to me to hear from you what they are and start opening myself to exchanging them, I have tons of trust to your words!
If you haven’t already, watch Heidi’s videos on her top book picks for 2021 & 2022. I ordered at least a dozen of these books and started reading them myself. These books are among the sources of Heidi’s knowledge. I found reading these books in addition to her videos, really accelerated my own knowledge and understanding of these topics. Plus Heidi’s published books are wonderful reads as well.
While listening to this, I suddenly realized that needs to me, conflicting with others’ or not, are guilty and shameful by themselves😢. I do not even know I have needs anymore, and my needs do not surface to my conscious mind anymore. These hidden needs may be the reason of some weird behaviors.
If you both have this problem, I have to say finding a good couple's therapist, one that doesn't take sides, was a huge game-changer for my relationship. We're both pretty aware of our issues, but conflicts would bring one or both of us into this shame spiral where we couldn't really hear what the other person was saying. Having a third party to spot that disconnection, and address it in real-time, is really invaluable. Just something to consider.
It would have helped a lot to also include that when we can share our needs and the other shares their needs; there isn’t always going to be a magical creative solution. I wish you would have talked about when it’s obvious that the relationship isn’t mutually beneficial; how it’s very possible that opening up to each other about our needs means an end of the relationship. You only focused on the staying together part which isn’t realistic. For most of us, we aren’t honest because we KNOW it means an ending. Please address this sometime if you think it’s important too. Thanks for your excellent posts. Wishing you well.
I think this is a good point but I also know that a lot of the time, the "this will definitely end the relationship" thinking is false. It's part of the attachment trauma to see a certain end where in reality maybe it's a 70-30% chance. You do have to be willing to risk the relationship to have these conversations, but if suppressing needs is a pattern for you, it's unlikely that everything you think will be relationship-ending is actually that bad. Taking that risk is a big part of what learning to be vulnerable is-to put the relationship's continued existence in your partners hands without knowing what they'll choose. Whereas failing to open up because you think if you do, it'll end the relationship, is just part of that habitual pattern of taking on all the work to emotionally regulate yourself and maintain the relationship and putting none of it on the other person. You believe deeply that they can't be relied on to do the work of looking for a solution.
The part about repressing interpersonal needs - never heard such an accurate description of myself... While I definitely have that social intuition of settling down and starting a family, I'm totally clueless what it could look like in reality without me feeling overwhelmed, the relationship being experienced predominantly as a burden and interfering with my already established patterns that keep my life together...
This video is exactly what I struggle with. I feel like I'm not good enough at meeting my partners needs, so I don't have the right to express my own. I get in a spiral of not expressing my needs, so they grow and fester below the surface until I reach a breaking point where I get super desperate for validation and nothing my partner does can soothe me because there's so much built up and so much that I still feel like I don't deserve to say, which makes me feel even worse afterwords. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on how to break the cycle for those who are more on the people-pleasing side rather than on the fighting-for-my-needs-over-yours side.
It’s shocking how much clarity your video just provided. How do we not realize what we are doing until someone else spells it out for us? Thank you for your excellent articulation of so many issues we don’t realize we have, and how to understand and fix them.
Yes, I will hit the like button, despite not being 45 seconds into the video. Worth it. Edit: The simplicity and reason within this video is life changing. I love learning ways to love people in a better way.
This makes so much sense to me now! Your gift for sharing these concepts in a palatable, practical way is extraordinary Heidi. I've learnt more from you on RUclips over the past year, than I have in over 30 years of face-to-face therapy. I have some hope now for my future eventually being one of connection in healthy relationship, rather than in lonely isolation. I can't thank you enough for doing what you do 🙏💖
this behaviour deeply describes my sister. She resents me so much and it’s very hurtful because we used to be so close. I try to ask what I have done so that maybe I could mend it but I don’t think she even knows why she is so angry at me. I’ve been very sick the last 5 years and she’s really helped me and got burned out from helping me. I try to give back to her in the ways that I can but I am not like her and don’t sacrifice my body and soul for others even though I believe I am very caring, I am just more limited due to mental and physical illnesses. I told her that I am so grateful for all she’s done for me and that I’m sorry for contributing to her burn out. Sometimes I think she has the expectation that everyone should be like her - available for everyone at the drop of a hat, no matter if she’s exhausted and going through her own turmoil. I watch her try to be the perfect person to everyone and then end up so repressed and then passive aggressive with a kind of strange energy that Heidi is describing. I get frustrated watching her repeat this cycle again and again but then feel guilty about my frustration because she has helped me so much and I feel ungrateful. I am resenting her resentment at me and others lol. I try to meet her needs in the ways I assume she’d like but I keep missing the mark and she gets angry and triggered when I ask her for tangible ways I can help. She just says that “no one loves or supports her and all she needs is love and support”. People do love and support her, myself being one of them but I’m clearly not loving and supporting her in the ways that she needs! but I don’t know what she needs! and I can’t ask her without triggering her badly. It hurts to be hated by someone you love so much and realise that the ways you show love are not being received and I will change the ways I support her if only I knew how! I feel stupid and incompetent for not knowing intuitively how to support my sister and then I feel resentful to her for being so angry at me about my deficiencies. If I send her the video she will think it’s a personal attack and that I’m trying to deliberately hurt her and not talk to me for a week. Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to go in for so long but this video really spoke to my relationship with her. Does anyone know what to do if you were in my shoes? I feel so much empathy for my sister thinking she needs to repress her own needs her whole life but the resentment I’m copping from her erode my empathy for her which is not good. okay thats enough yapping from me, clearly I needed to express this. Thanks Heidi for your unmatched insights and clearly communicating the intricacies of human relationships and trauma, there are videos of yours I watch repeatedly ❤
I'm sorry youre going through this. Your comment really speaks to me, thank you for writing it out and saying all of that. It's actually clarified something for me in my own relationship with my brother and other siblings. I am the one who will bend myself to show up no matter what - not for everyone, but for my family and a handful of others. I've been very hurt when I didn't get what I think of as basic decency and respectful communication from my siblings in return. While my siblings do have lots of uninvestigated behaviors from the extreme abuse of our childhoods, I think a big part of my hurt is actually about the topic of this video, and of your comment. I put my needs aside, with the expectation that when I needed it, they would put their needs aside for me. Which is possibly admirable in some ways, but ultimately only works if everyone in a society functions the same way. If they don't, then it's a very dysfunctional relational strategy. It seems like a tricky situation with your sister, and a painful one, I can feel your loss and frustration from here :/ Do you know what her love languages are? That's one thing that comes to mind as something to try, to be able to reach across the barricade she has put up. I've seen couples miraculously feel seen and cared for, when their love languages were taken into account. Wishing you the best with this hard situation.
You can't change her, you can only be honest with her: "I don't want you to burn out for me. If helping me means hurting yourself, then I don't want your help. I would rather figure out another way to help myself, (which is my job, not yours!) and get to enjoy being sisters again." It's difficult to wake someone up out of martyr mode. It's kind of an addiction, a type of workaholic tendency. But for your own peace of mind, correct her assumption that you expect her help, no matter how much it costs her. As for loving and supporting her, it's no wonder you have no idea how to help her. Because she has neglected loving and supporting herself for so long, she doesn't know what she really needs, so she doesn't know what to ask for. One of the best things I learned in therapy is that love doesn't give us psychic powers! So don't feel guilty about it. Just remind her that when she feels in need of love and support, you're around, and you want to help. The rest is up to her. The most we get is what we ask for.
I wholeheartedly agree with MildExplosion’s comment above. We can only do the work for ourselves. If you stay honest and direct in your communication with her and find additional support elsewhere bc you clearly see your sister is sacrificing herself to her downfall, then the relationship btwn the two of you will improve. Perhaps at some point, she may be interested in mirroring your healthy behaviors in other relationships of hers.
Your sister is in very deep emo pain: she meeting others needs sucks her life force and might be having a nervous breakdown from all that enormous burden that shouldn't be hers to carry. She lost herself in doing for others who aren't capable of reciprocity so she is spiritually empty.Massages,herbal supplement for nerve function,spa treatments and kindness.love and a chance to escape fm the environment is key.she fell apart caring for your needs!wow, She may need to leave you to go heal elsewhere❤ She is scapegoated Send her my love,I feel her pain.take care of the Angel in your midst
It seems to be that she is helping people in order to feel the gap of not feeling loved. She probably doesn't believe that she's worth it to be loved, because if she had that feeling, she wouldn't do all that the way she does. It's quite extreme. It's like she is unaware punishing herself for not being loved. So when you try to understand her, her trigger is "What do you talk about? Why should you even be interested in supporting me?" In the meantime she longs for being loved. She just can't allow anyone to get close to that feeling, because of the fear of losing it or that she's deceived....
My husband, before we even started dating, said out loud to me, that he feared if we started dating, he would have to give up too much of himself. I said i planned to eventually have a family, and if he vould not see that in his future, we should stop. He said that with me, he could imagine a future that included kids. I told him, he would not have to give anything up. We have 2 awesome boys. I have been trying, probably resentfully, to prioritize his frustration intollerance to guide my to do list. For keeping the peace. He has been bearing the wedding vows like a martyr. Tollerating me. Managing me. We are not equals. It's bad. And boy did I see our dynamic in your video. The who's who, kept swapping. Can next month or the next month be in the theme of finding our guiding purpose? So we can learn to recognize our needs and wants and discover ourselves? I got nearly nothing of me to share right now. And he looks at me with dread when he sees me coming. I think I am more loveable than that. Maybe we, your scarred but lovely audience, might need a month in something like The Atlas of the Heart, to help us understand and recognize our emotions, put proper names to them, and understance how they connect. Then we may be able to identify the emotional guide posts that describe the borders of our personal boundaries. Then go on to purpose finding. I am being demanding, suggesting this. Like others have said, I should be supporting you on patreon. Your guidance is something I really look forward to every week!! (Seriously though, we are all human. If you ever need to take a break, I think this crowd would understand. Though we might miss you with a fervour like Maurice Sendack's monsters, "we'll eat you up; we love you so!" Take the ire for love and take care of you, too.) Anyway, please, devote a corner of your mind to these suggestions? Thank you ooooodles!!❤❤❤
I’ve cried listening to this video . The default mode of my needs being ignored , thus repressed etc. and also so used to do 100% work on my self and expecting others to do the same is life changing. The opportunity that both needs / wants can be met and some creative solution sounds like a dream . I love your delivery so much , you’re such a wealth of knowledge and sooo so so well put together and clear - my adhd brain admires you . Thanks so much for doing this work - you helping so many people . I’m devouring your content 👏🥹🫶🏻
Heidi, I don’t know what is about your delivery but it allows me to process a lot of things at a high level without triggering emotional overwhelm. Thank you so much.
Can you make a video about strong attachments to older peers (bosses, mentors etc.) due to being unloved in your childhood and how to know if they are unhealthy or actually good for you?
God this describes my entire process the last 4 years in my relationship. I only just recently got this sorted out the way you describe. Such complex work that had to be done. Thank you for simplifying. ❤
How do we support your work??? You’re far from the only person who I watch every video from, but you have the most pragmatically useful tools that help me shift my life for the better. Thank you ❤
Damm, you're good Heidi. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. After she died I learned this. I began going to college to study psychology and now I'm in graduate school for mental health counseling. What I've learned is that I did this in all my romantic relationships. I feel soo resentful in my marriage now because I know now that I suppressed all my wants and needs. The marriage doesn't feel real now. It feels fake because I really don't feel like I'm with the one i truly should be with. I read somewhere that one thing that causes divorce more than anything is when one partner starts to heal.
Your videos are uncannily relevant to my life, like as you post them. Excited and nervous for this video I'll have to watch it when I'm not so nervous lol
One thing that is so obvious Heidi, is that you are truly working hard on your issues. this makes your videos so relatable, free from bitterness and bashing plus, they build so well on each other! Thank you for giving all this for free!❤❤
WOW! Once again Heidi you articulated so many things that I've experienced throughout my life. I've struggled with these exact issues all my life and I'm going to be 57 tomorrow! It's lead me to isolating a LOT, not seeing ANY value in an intimate relationship because I just run them all off or I'm not attracted to them. Healthy people to be in a relationship with? Hell I don't know if I'd recognize one if she was in my life right now!! I have NO IDEA what that looks like in another person other than "Well they look like they have it all together and I'm over here being all crazy. No need to infect them with all my shit." Which really means "They're smiling and seem interested in me but if they REALLY REALLY knew me, they would leave so fast they'd leave skid marks in the driveway cuz I'm just 'TOO MUCH' for most people." I'm hoping to heal that before I'm too old to give a shit anymore and your videos definitely help. I've literally only had 1 gf my entire life and that only lasted for 9 months and was deeply painful in the end. I'm not entirely sure how to heal it and even thinking about it scares the shit outta me. Ugh.
Heidi: You are CHANGING my life. This video was more helpful than 26 years in recovery and therapy. Thank you for using your gifts to help all of us wounded souls seeking a secure attachment with ourselves.
I wish I would feel more safe to share my wishes and emotions. I feel so much pain due to my unbounded empathy, yet, aggression is the only emotion I feel respected with, and not in a good way😔 I wish people cared more for themselves and others.
Wow, this was a hard one for me. Now I really fear that I will forget this again... This is 100% me, it seems so simple to just talk about the needs one have and then find a solution with which everyone is happy, but it is so hard to talk about my needs and at the same time I think I am responsible for regulating the other person and being always strong and knowing what is the right thing to do. While I always selfregulate through unhealthy behaviour, because I never learned how to do it another way.
I was just looking at all the videos you have posted on your channel and realize you are assembling the human emotional care and repair manual! I was always wanting be of those. have one for my washing machine, why didn’t we get one for this machine we wake up in everyday? Thanks for your service! We would love to give you a free stay at our lodge in Costa Rica to say thanks.
I love this. The style of presentation, where you show the issue and how it makes things bad and later show what is the healthy way of dealing with the problem, is what I really like to see. Because often I don't feel like I know what to do, when I only know what not to do.
Wow, so happy to have watched this video. I am in a total confused relationship with my neighbor who is severely traumatized in his childhood and later on. Same for me. His coping mechanism is different from mine. His is to not trust anyone and disconnect from people and I enjoy being around people and see who is worth my trust or not. When someone deserves my trust, he becomes a good friend. He has deserved my trust, because I understand where he's coming from and I thought we could learn a lot from each other. Unfortunately, it has been really difficult because he sees finding a solution for our different needs as a competition. He really gets angry, which makes me angry, because I only want to find a way in which we both feel good, because I care for him and it only will make us feel closer towards each other. Now he is just running away from that, because of his fearful-avoidant attachment style. To cope with that, alcohol has been his friend for over 40 years... With a very, very bad outcome, because his liver has given up on him... This is so devastating and I need to see that it's not my fault ...
Whoaaaa! This video was eye-opening. When I first started dating my husband I felt like we were on the same page in many ways. Now… 10 yrs later… I find myself extremely dysregulated these days and meeting my husband’s needs feels like A LOT of pressure. I often feel like running away. I know I have CPTSD and I’m working hard at healing my nervous system. I also know I’ve held back and allowed my husband to take the lead throughout the majority of our relationship. I’ve kept a lot of my needs hidden and I’ve played small. It’s been even more confusing since I married into a blended family. It’s been a confusing time… especially since we both have insecure attachments… along with lack of direct communication and vulnerability.
This is me to a T. I’ve lived most, if not all of my life, believing that may own needs didn’t really matter so I would sacrifice or ignore them to try to keep people from leaving me. As you said, Heidi, it fits right in with CPTSD and I also have a disorganized attachment style to go along with it. It just…sucks. 😕
I'm not even 20 seconds into the video and you've already made me physically pull away from my phone with how accurate you are... Your videos might just save my life
I'm this. Parents divorced when I was 4, not sure how the dynamics were but my mother has a tendency for guilt-tripping and dramatic reactions to disappointments. I did this people-pleasing in my relationships. And avoiding conflict. Now I consciously bring out what I want and it makes my life so much better.
Needs and wants are not a zero-sum game. Wow wow wow. I needed someone to spell that out for me. Thank you, Heidi! I’ll be returning to this one not once. Such an eye-opener ❤
My ex-husband ended up looking at me as his enemy. It was painful and incomprehensible. Thanks for the explanation Heidi! I don't know if he'll ever understand how distorted were his thoughts. It's very painful when you see a person leaving this way.
Each time i reflect internally on something going on, the day after you release a video pin pointing exactly that precise spot that i couldve never put a word on !! Learning from your videos & journaling how it reflects in me has been so far one of the best therapy i've had. Thank you so much for this precious content !!!!
thank you. the perpectives you’ve introduced me to have impacted the way in which i navigate the world. you’ve been an immense help in sorting out my deepest experiences and i’m greatful that you decided to share your talent for putting the seemingly unexplainable tangled up feelings into words that bring hope, not the empty kind but the i have the power to change the pattern kind
Heidi you are literally the greatest of all time, your videos have helped me recognize the way that trauma has impacted my life and led me to being diagnosed with CPTSD which has been so validating and also led me to EMDR and IFS therapy which I’ve only been in for a little bit but it’s already changed my life for the better, you are a godsend, I can’t thank you enough.
Thank you Heidi!❤🙏❤️ This is truly amazing! I’m new here and found you very recently, but the impact you have had on my life is already immense. Love from Sweden 😊❤
Love your content Heidi, thank you so much for your insight. The way you present ideas is accessible and since you connect with the material there is a strong human element to engage with.
Hi Heidi! Thanks so much for this and all your videos. They've gotten me started on a journey I clearly have needed to go on for a long time now When I was watching this video, I was kind of surprised to find that I resonated most with the third negative possibility you discussed: being not consciously aware of my interpersonal needs. The idea of having interpersonal needs at all is alien to me. My needs weren't met at all growing up, and I had no tools to understand why: in my adulthood I've realized I'm transgender, a highly sensitive person (HSP), and definitely neurodivergent in at least one major way. For as long as I remember, I've always had this belief that no one but me can understand and address my needs. And unfortunately, even when I've managed at times to really open up to someone, I've had a lot of those people let me down in ways that were incredibly painful, and were either well-intentioned but misguided or else justified hurtful actions towards me out of love for me. Until very recently in my life, and still to an extent today, I dealt with this by being an absolute hermit. I can count on one hand the people outside my family who knew me before that still have any contact with my whatsoever. I feel like most people who knew me in my life never knew the real me, because the real me was being suppressed, in her entirety, for as long as I can remember. I've had to do a lot of work to even be aware of my own needs internally, and owe a lot of that to your other videos. But the idea that someone else could help me with those needs is difficult to imagine. I know I like people. I may even be a very repressed extravert, because when I am feeling grounded and well, other people can make the world seem so much more colorful and vibrant and alive. I know my relationships are suffering as a result of this issue too. I've needed a lot of space from a lot of my friends and partner lately, and definitely find it threatening whenever anyone expresses a need to me. I know this is a sign that I have needs that I'm not expressing, but I'm not consciously aware of them and I don't know how to bring them to my conscious awareness. Do you have any insight on how to explore and find my interpersonal needs? Thank you so much for all you do 🙏
Curious what you mean by justified hurtful actions? I’ve only been able to access my true needs by completing isolating myself, prolonged periods without activating my false self or having to respond to others 😕
I was watching this and harshly criticizing myself for the areas where I've fallen short on compassion and healthy problem-solving. But then I realized, I've been doing really good at noticing where I'm feeling resentment and why I am, and also noticing where I need to ask my partner for a bit of support in order to feel more balanced in our relationship. As someone with a disorganized attachment style, and is dating someone who errs more avoidant, I'm finding myself in need of a little more support both from my partner and from myself. It does take extra effort to remain regulated, but the payoff of having the relationships that I now have is far greater than what I settled into previously. I can now form deep and honest connections with others that make me feel fulfilled, rather than hiding myself away in attempt to make others more comfortable. Being vulnerable and confessing needs and emotions is scary, and sometimes you learn that people don't fit into your life how you expected them to, but you also learn how good it feels to let people fit in your life how they're supposed to.
I just want to say thank you so much for doing what you do. You help me tremendously, understanding important issues a lot better. I appreciate so much that there is no fluff or courses or dodgy sponsorships. You are doing great work.
Thank you, Heidi for your amazing work! I have had so many ah ha moments from watching your channel. I have been exploring this kind of stuff, in one way or another, most of my 50 years. I really feel like your channel has helped me with so many problem areas. I wish that I had known all of this so long ago, but I am eternally grateful that you've made all of this available.
I honestly had to stop the video to comment. You have helped me more than anyone to understand emotions and relationships. I find your channel invaluable and wish you lived in my city. Thank you for your wonderful work.
Heidi, much gratitude to you for so clearly articulating this crucial subject. You are a gifted teacher who provides healing through helping others understand the relational concepts that you teach. No matter what are age is, this video is incredibly instructive, insightful, balanced, compassionate & useful to each of us who needs to listen to it. To truly understand how shame based needs disrupt & deteriorate relationships of any kind as well as our self-esteem is a life changer. Every high school, college age & trade school person could benefit from learning this before they develop relationships in the course of their lives.
@21:00... that also happens inside yourself, all the time. I'm convinced that this is the deeper root of the problem you're describing. Your own internal conflicting needs and desires overwhelm you when you don't know how to make healthy compromises with yourself.
Thank you for this. This was a major impact in my most recent breakup, and I'm working hard to acknowledge my own suppression of needs and acting to vocalize my wants and communicate clearly moving forward.
Ive become a lot better at identifying and expressing my needs, but was still struggling to come to any sort of solution or have healthy relating around this with friends and others, it’s been a source of a lot of frustration for me cause I wasn’t sure what I was missing-didn’t realize till this video that I’ve been treating it like a competition! Expressing my needs and then expecting the other person to give in fully, or feeling like I had to justify the needs and if I did adequately the other person would be forced to meet them cause I was “right”, or if they push back at all just letting go of mine at that point cause I’d start to feel like I must not have a right to them if the other person is also fighting for theirs. So excited to have another piece of the puzzle!
I really like what you’ve said here and can see where this lack of understanding lead to the disjointing of my recent relationship with my fearfully avoidant ex, especially with us both being children of CPTSD. This one is enlightening. Thanks for posting, Heidi!! 😌💯
Well, I have seen all the patterns regarding need beliefs you mentioned in this video both in me and my partner during our relationship. I could write line by line all the instances and how they match with the theoretical examples 😂 This video resonated deeply Heidi, and they are a much needed accompany to my traditional theraphy (where attachment theory stuff do come up but looking at them with you makes all the difference). I have felt immensely shameful and especially selfish for all the needs I had and I definitely hate the idea of a relationship because as you said, it means in my head taking care of two people. I do notice my interpersonal needs more and more, but I feel so distrustful of people. It was quite brutal yet true when you said that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy because it really is. That is the biggest takeaway for me from this video. But I love that with you, I find the courage (and it needs so much courage 😂) to live a bolder, more fulfilling life. I do wish the same for all the people.
I’ve often noticed resentment towards people when they express interpersonal needs, and I think the implicit belief for me is “I’m not allowed to have needs and express them to you, so it’s unfair for you to have needs and express them to me”
Totally!
That's a form of Projection, learn to be less judgemental
Me too! It’s so annoying, being both the believer of such a thing, and occasionally a recipient of such anger when I can express what little needs I have, only to be seen as a weakling by someone even more repressed!
@@zingking0132uh, that really isn’t helpful
Yes zingking, well done, you’re a new Carl Rogers.
Can I also just take the time to appreciate how this channel has no sponsorships and irritating ads for 'online therapy' brands who are incredibly sketchy. If you have a Patreon I'd definitely chip in each month because your channel has been invaluable to me and my journey with CPTSD.
I would too. 😊
So would I
Same!
Me too
Exactly ❤
"Oh look, another Heidi video. Will it be imminently relevant to my life right now?"
15 seconds in: exactly what I was just thinking about
Nothing more than the truth lol
Kinda insane how I needed this exact video at this exact time
Honestly, how dare strangers go on the internet and say such true things about me.
Amen
I spent ub such mode 28 years of my marriage.
I legit had a lightbulb moment hearing relationship are supposed to be about mutual meeting of needs. I mean I repressed even the thought that I could have needs lol
Literally
What needs do you have?
Same 😖
Yeah. Imagen not getting your needs being meet and called immature for it..
I recently had a weird situation where a girl was, much to my bafflement, attempting to flirt with me (never happened before). One thing that struck me a bit was that she kept asking me what I wish from her and my response was always to ask right back what she wants me to wish. I genuinely had no wish and was too afraid that saying anything at all would be a mistake anyway. She got quite irritated at me being so utterly unable to play along.
Sums up my parents relationship: "living miserably together forever..."
Same here! Parents share a relationship that is filled with one strong emotion - contempt 🙃
GOD yes 😢
Same here.
Same here and I learned that my mom's needs were always met with anger and contempt. So I'm now doing the same stupid a$$ thing. Getting the divorce is better for the children or just don't have children.
Absolutely. Barely tolerating each other. On a daily basis. No affection. At best, ignored each other. At worst, put downs or open irritation and fighting.
29:34 “believing that our needs , wants and desires and authenticity matters is often the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and other people in the long run “
🙏🏾
Thank you. Heidi. I’m 70 years old. My wife got me a birthday present of fixing my teeth. Dental Implants. Full upper and lower implants. She paid for the surgery and procedure. She gave this gift as a surprise. She literally put a smile on my face ❤
👍😁😁😁🎈
😁
cute
❤❤❤
That was for her.
Heidi, I'd love for you to do a video on what needs look like in a healthy vs unhealthy relationship. I think many of us with attachment issues think needs are typically very simple: sex, money, calling, texting frequency, honesty. I'm finding that as I move towards Secure attachment, my needs sounds more complex, like "I have a deep need for my partner to take responsibility for their emotions and actions and try to be open about my feedback because responses like defensiveness and reflect really push me away" or "I have a deep need for my partner to engage in recreational activities with me and work with me to find activities that work for both of us". I'd love a video on examples of the types of needs that healthy couples express to each other.
Yes! Exactly this!!!
Wow, it's like I wrote this comment few days ago and completely forgot I did🙂
Check out nonviolent communication. Yes you can have needs and wants - and nobody is responsible for meeting them. They can agree on doing it if it works for them, but they are totally allowed to say no and then it’s up to you to find other “creative ways” of meeting your needs either yourself of through other people. Otherwise it’s manipulation: “Now that I expressed my needs so clearly, you must meet them, or else!”
Great idea
Agree!! I just went looking for a video on this!
Is there anyone else who obsessively loves Heidi Priede videos, but after watching feels like it's much more peaceful to stay single?
Giving me the strength to stay single after very freshly having my husband removed
Haha... absolutely. Intimate relationships are very complex. Suddenly I feel like becoming avoidant from anxious 😂
Weirdly the opposite for me, I felt despair about romantic relationships before discovering her and the more I watch the more I feel hope...also, related, I realized my patterns in romance and friendship are the same so I can work on my ability to have both by working on both.
Oh my gosh?! You read my mind 😂 I get to the end of the video and I'm feeling overwhelmed by future relationships already
Same
I never think I am selfish, I think I am weak and childishly needy.
Toxic shame.
We are all needy, you deserve to get your needs met!
Whenever I feel the way that I associate with your description, it turns out I'm having a problem in a life area that I never received support for as a kid. It helps to acknowledge those - it feels like I get a mental asterisk on the loss, in a way. I think it's a factor in avoiding meltdowns from not knowing how I feel or what to do. Gosh I hope that makes sense!!
@@BuckitOfSean Sam Vaknin: Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy (DNMS) is psychotherapy, it is trauma therapy. People who have been exposed to verbal, physical, sexual, psychological abuse - they're traumatized, they have attachment wounds, usually inflicted by parental rejection, neglect, or opposite- enmeshment, infusion, spoiling, pampering. DNMS is ego state therapy, there's assumption that developmental needs were not adequately met in childhood, is stuck in childhood.
@@joshuasloan169 Just pushing to the extreme, does a dictator also “deserve” their needs being met?
I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of the feeling that my needs, emotions and being matters as much to someone else as their own matter to them.
I'm struggling to even identify my needs at this point. I feel like I've tried hard not to have any for my entire life LOL
Try asking yourself what you need and just wait for a reply
Some of the tools I was given on this were
- ask yourself, if you could be granted anything at all, one magic wish, what would you ask for? Determine the need behind this and how you can fulfill it yourself, no matter if at a very very small scale
- one was a wheel where there are the different areas of your life identified (work, finances, wellness, family and friends, primary relationship, personal growth, fun and hobbies, physical environment) and there are 10 concentrical layers of circles and you have to draw out how satisfied you are in that area of your life - - if you aren't, prolly a bunch of unmet needs there
- another tool was an exhaustive list of fundamental needs (physical, intellectual, spiritual - - spiritual was stuff like finding a meaning, using my potential, having the sensation of developing /growing towards what I am supposed to be, believing and affirming certain values, work towards realizing higher aspirations). On a scale of 0 to 5 you had first to rate your degree of satisfaction and then the degree of importance this need has for you, dividing the satisfaction by the importance for you to see the real answer and whether you invested too much effort or too little into answering that need.
I loved those tools back then, and I go back to them every now and then. :) counseling would be amazing if it's available for you!
You have no idea how many people you are helping with your channel! You are the ANGEL that many of us were in need of! May God bless your soul and your mind! 😇🙏🏻🩷
Last night I literally had the craziest shame attack ever, and now this video shows up!!! How do you always know exactly what we need to hear? Crazy !!! Thank you so much Heidi Priebe!!
Blessed be The Algorithm, hallowed be her name.
Heidi,
The hand of God has placed you on this Earth to explain this incredibly complex and sensitive relationship stuff in a kind, thoughful and extremely articulate way...
Thank you
The reason they were feeling resentful was not because they were doing more work, it was because they were suppressing more of themselves in order to do the work. So true.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I suffer from toxic shame whenever I need anything that inconveniences anyone. I recently decided I needed to switch jobs. My first thought after that was, "I'll be making my boss and coworkers' lives harder because they'll have to cover my shifts. How can I do this to them?" I logically know that this is just a part of life, and they won't be offended. But it still bubbles up!
EVERYBODY WAKE UP. NEW HEIDI WISDOM JUST DROPPED 🗣️🗣️
Totally!!!
During your explanation of how a person can develop contempt for their partner when they feel they need to not only regulate themselves but also regulate their partner's emotions, I realized that's what's going on with me and my partner. My partner is absolutely wonderful and amazing, but I've been using them to regulate myself when I nosedive into a self-hate spiral or am experiencing an emotional flashback. They've been trying to communicate to me that it's becoming too much for them and you put into words that what they are experiencing is a "crushing pressure." I'm not doing it intentionally, but that's exactly what's happening. I can become extremely overwhelmed by my emotions at the drop of a hat over something so trivial - a different definition of being "trigger happy" almost - except there's nothing happy about it. And then the toxic shame kicks in; shame over being so trigger sensitive, shame over what I'm doing to my partner, shame that I can't seem to Just Stop, shame that I'm not the person that my partner deserves, shame about the fact that if I can't figure my own shit out, my partner WILL develop contempt for me eventually and it will be of my own doing. Thank you for your videos, I usually get something out of each and every one. :)
Can't help but find resonance in your comment, and felt compelled to reply - these videos from Heidi have been absolutely invaluable on my journey of discovery, too, and there's another teacher who's also been a phenomenal resource here on the 'tube that I'd like to share with you, in hopes the info could assist in your healing as it has mine...Tim Fletcher has some excellent info on shame-based trauma, triggers, how the limbic brain ties in, and includes steps/ways in which one can begin the healing process. I highly recommend checking him out, too, in combination with the other jewels like Heidi providing their insightful, compassionate knowledge and helping countless people!! Thank you, Heidi, and dear @peggysue4521, I wish you peace, strength, love, and hope along your way! 💕
I finally understand why I ended my relationship, I wasn't able to really bring my needs to the table in a calm way
There are some needs that might be zero sum. Smaller needs probably not but in the big life decision i.e. getting married, having kids, choosing where to live, etc. If you and your significant other are in direct opposition there might not be a solution that will satisfy anyone's needs. For someone security attached identifying one of these conflicting needs might mean the end of a relationship but in a mutual and healthy way. For someone insecurely attached the fear of losing a relationship is enough to force them to suppress those needs for the "greater good" and continue on.
@1:45 "believing that one person's gain is necessarily the other person's loss"
Thank you !! Holy shit I have been dealing with feeling like my needs and my gfs are just incompatible and that just means we’re doomed. We have both hurt each other deeply because of this belief and are trying to work through it but hearing that needs and wants can be mismatched and it’s just a part of living blew my mind! I have definitely seen my wants and needs as something that I have to fight for to get bc that’s how my family operates and its been deteriorating my relationship with my gf soo much. Especially when they mismatch it feels like everything is falling apart and she feels as though Im trying to change who she is as a person. We have been able to reach conclusions together in a healthy way but I have never seen it through the lens of it being a normal part of relationships and it always felt like I was just delaying the inevitable. This really helped my perspective thank you so much for your channel its been really helpful to work on myself and my own toxic shame. It nearly destroyed my relationship and it was damaging my relationship to my own self. I was feeling so out of body bc of trauma and felt fundamentally broken but your videos have helped me tremendously. Thank you!
She is on fire this month 🔥
You know what's funny, when im in the mindset to listen to one of your videos to improve my well-being, its always the videos if yours that i want to click on the least, that are the most relevant and important for me.
Dear Heidi, it happens quite often, that I feel like you know exactly what problems I have and you’re trying to help me address them through what you say in your videos!! It’s just unbelievable!! Especially, relationships and self esteem! I wonder how did she know!
Can’t thank you enough for all this work you are doing!!! ♥️
God bless you!!
I couldn't figure out for the longest time why I felt so ashamed or upset at myself for wanting a more romantic or intimate relationship with my platonic partner several months ago, but then along came this video and now I understand 😂
I told them about it, but when they politely turned that down I felt awful after.
Worst part is: I felt anxious to tell them for months before this. 😅
I now see it: I was worried if they declined I would be labeled or decided as "bad" for my feelings 😅
I feel much better, and this is probably going to help me move forward while still being close to them!
Also, before says that this just sounds like being friends with extra steps: please remember that not every relationship needs that element of romance or sexuality to be highly valued, important, or meaningful.
I call them my platonic partner because we've known each other for years now, and we get each other on a very deep level, and we communicate about things most friends typically wouldn't due to boundaries or norms.
I talk to them about a lot of important decisions in my life, as I would a partner. They do as well. We don't have as big of a seperation when it comes to that aspect, so it makes logical sense to call them that.
I also feel am very attached to them, and in such a way that this means that it would be difficult to explain to another without such a label 😅
(Also, yes, they call me this too.)
Like Sherlock and dr Watson :)
Wow! You just tore apart a whole world I'd created for myself piece by piece. I knew there was shame, I just didn't realize how much shame there was and how it has controlled my life. Even now, I had to switch my RUclips account to post this.
My life in one video, lol. Even had a business which led to a nervous breakdown, did a conflict course recently and started to intentionally express my needs. The synchronicity is wild!
What need do you have which lets you experience synchronicities with Heidi? Need of connection, sharing the same thoughts with somebody perhaps. Or a need of being understood and seen...
Heidi, PLEASE, say more about our relational needs! I totally see myself as an avoidant person who is unaware of them and regulating myslef for years. It would mean so much to me to hear from you what they are and start opening myself to exchanging them, I have tons of trust to your words!
If you haven’t already, watch Heidi’s videos on her top book picks for 2021 & 2022. I ordered at least a dozen of these books and started reading them myself. These books are among the sources of Heidi’s knowledge. I found reading these books in addition to her videos, really accelerated my own knowledge and understanding of these topics.
Plus Heidi’s published books are wonderful reads as well.
While listening to this, I suddenly realized that needs to me, conflicting with others’ or not, are guilty and shameful by themselves😢. I do not even know I have needs anymore, and my needs do not surface to my conscious mind anymore. These hidden needs may be the reason of some weird behaviors.
do shadow work
My partner and I have been stuck in this loop for a long time. I'm looking forward to discussing this video with her.
❤️
If you both have this problem, I have to say finding a good couple's therapist, one that doesn't take sides, was a huge game-changer for my relationship. We're both pretty aware of our issues, but conflicts would bring one or both of us into this shame spiral where we couldn't really hear what the other person was saying.
Having a third party to spot that disconnection, and address it in real-time, is really invaluable. Just something to consider.
It would have helped a lot to also include that when we can share our needs and the other shares their needs; there isn’t always going to be a magical creative solution. I wish you would have talked about when it’s obvious that the relationship isn’t mutually beneficial; how it’s very possible that opening up to each other about our needs means an end of the relationship. You only focused on the staying together part which isn’t realistic. For most of us, we aren’t honest because we KNOW it means an ending.
Please address this sometime if you think it’s important too.
Thanks for your excellent posts. Wishing you well.
I think this is a good point but I also know that a lot of the time, the "this will definitely end the relationship" thinking is false. It's part of the attachment trauma to see a certain end where in reality maybe it's a 70-30% chance. You do have to be willing to risk the relationship to have these conversations, but if suppressing needs is a pattern for you, it's unlikely that everything you think will be relationship-ending is actually that bad. Taking that risk is a big part of what learning to be vulnerable is-to put the relationship's continued existence in your partners hands without knowing what they'll choose. Whereas failing to open up because you think if you do, it'll end the relationship, is just part of that habitual pattern of taking on all the work to emotionally regulate yourself and maintain the relationship and putting none of it on the other person. You believe deeply that they can't be relied on to do the work of looking for a solution.
The part about repressing interpersonal needs - never heard such an accurate description of myself... While I definitely have that social intuition of settling down and starting a family, I'm totally clueless what it could look like in reality without me feeling overwhelmed, the relationship being experienced predominantly as a burden and interfering with my already established patterns that keep my life together...
This video is exactly what I struggle with. I feel like I'm not good enough at meeting my partners needs, so I don't have the right to express my own. I get in a spiral of not expressing my needs, so they grow and fester below the surface until I reach a breaking point where I get super desperate for validation and nothing my partner does can soothe me because there's so much built up and so much that I still feel like I don't deserve to say, which makes me feel even worse afterwords. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on how to break the cycle for those who are more on the people-pleasing side rather than on the fighting-for-my-needs-over-yours side.
How the heck do we grow up without knowing this stuff? This is life changing 🤯
It’s shocking how much clarity your video just provided. How do we not realize what we are doing until someone else spells it out for us? Thank you for your excellent articulation of so many issues we don’t realize we have, and how to understand and fix them.
Yes, I will hit the like button, despite not being 45 seconds into the video. Worth it.
Edit: The simplicity and reason within this video is life changing. I love learning ways to love people in a better way.
Ha just had that thought
Thank you! So true putting down your needs and then they come out later in an unhealthy way
This makes so much sense to me now! Your gift for sharing these concepts in a palatable, practical way is extraordinary Heidi. I've learnt more from you on RUclips over the past year, than I have in over 30 years of face-to-face therapy. I have some hope now for my future eventually being one of connection in healthy relationship, rather than in lonely isolation. I can't thank you enough for doing what you do 🙏💖
this behaviour deeply describes my sister. She resents me so much and it’s very hurtful because we used to be so close. I try to ask what I have done so that maybe I could mend it but I don’t think she even knows why she is so angry at me. I’ve been very sick the last 5 years and she’s really helped me and got burned out from helping me. I try to give back to her in the ways that I can but I am not like her and don’t sacrifice my body and soul for others even though I believe I am very caring, I am just more limited due to mental and physical illnesses. I told her that I am so grateful for all she’s done for me and that I’m sorry for contributing to her burn out. Sometimes I think she has the expectation that everyone should be like her - available for everyone at the drop of a hat, no matter if she’s exhausted and going through her own turmoil. I watch her try to be the perfect person to everyone and then end up so repressed and then passive aggressive with a kind of strange energy that Heidi is describing. I get frustrated watching her repeat this cycle again and again but then feel guilty about my frustration because she has helped me so much and I feel ungrateful. I am resenting her resentment at me and others lol. I try to meet her needs in the ways I assume she’d like but I keep missing the mark and she gets angry and triggered when I ask her for tangible ways I can help. She just says that “no one loves or supports her and all she needs is love and support”. People do love and support her, myself being one of them but I’m clearly not loving and supporting her in the ways that she needs! but I don’t know what she needs! and I can’t ask her without triggering her badly. It hurts to be hated by someone you love so much and realise that the ways you show love are not being received and I will change the ways I support her if only I knew how! I feel stupid and incompetent for not knowing intuitively how to support my sister and then I feel resentful to her for being so angry at me about my deficiencies.
If I send her the video she will think it’s a personal attack and that I’m trying to deliberately hurt her and not talk to me for a week. Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to go in for so long but this video really spoke to my relationship with her. Does anyone know what to do if you were in my shoes? I feel so much empathy for my sister thinking she needs to repress her own needs her whole life but the resentment I’m copping from her erode my empathy for her which is not good. okay thats enough yapping from me, clearly I needed to express this. Thanks Heidi for your unmatched insights and clearly communicating the intricacies of human relationships and trauma, there are videos of yours I watch repeatedly ❤
I'm sorry youre going through this. Your comment really speaks to me, thank you for writing it out and saying all of that. It's actually clarified something for me in my own relationship with my brother and other siblings. I am the one who will bend myself to show up no matter what - not for everyone, but for my family and a handful of others. I've been very hurt when I didn't get what I think of as basic decency and respectful communication from my siblings in return. While my siblings do have lots of uninvestigated behaviors from the extreme abuse of our childhoods, I think a big part of my hurt is actually about the topic of this video, and of your comment. I put my needs aside, with the expectation that when I needed it, they would put their needs aside for me. Which is possibly admirable in some ways, but ultimately only works if everyone in a society functions the same way. If they don't, then it's a very dysfunctional relational strategy.
It seems like a tricky situation with your sister, and a painful one, I can feel your loss and frustration from here :/
Do you know what her love languages are? That's one thing that comes to mind as something to try, to be able to reach across the barricade she has put up. I've seen couples miraculously feel seen and cared for, when their love languages were taken into account.
Wishing you the best with this hard situation.
You can't change her, you can only be honest with her: "I don't want you to burn out for me. If helping me means hurting yourself, then I don't want your help. I would rather figure out another way to help myself, (which is my job, not yours!) and get to enjoy being sisters again."
It's difficult to wake someone up out of martyr mode. It's kind of an addiction, a type of workaholic tendency. But for your own peace of mind, correct her assumption that you expect her help, no matter how much it costs her.
As for loving and supporting her, it's no wonder you have no idea how to help her. Because she has neglected loving and supporting herself for so long, she doesn't know what she really needs, so she doesn't know what to ask for.
One of the best things I learned in therapy is that love doesn't give us psychic powers! So don't feel guilty about it. Just remind her that when she feels in need of love and support, you're around, and you want to help. The rest is up to her. The most we get is what we ask for.
I wholeheartedly agree with MildExplosion’s comment above. We can only do the work for ourselves. If you stay honest and direct in your communication with her and find additional support elsewhere bc you clearly see your sister is sacrificing herself to her downfall, then the relationship btwn the two of you will improve. Perhaps at some point, she may be interested in mirroring your healthy behaviors in other relationships of hers.
Your sister is in very deep emo pain: she meeting others needs sucks her life force and might be having a nervous breakdown from all that enormous burden that shouldn't be hers to carry.
She lost herself in doing for others who aren't capable of reciprocity so she is spiritually empty.Massages,herbal supplement for nerve function,spa treatments and kindness.love and a chance to escape fm the environment is key.she fell apart caring for your needs!wow, She may need to leave you to go heal elsewhere❤
She is scapegoated
Send her my love,I feel her pain.take care of the Angel in your midst
It seems to be that she is helping people in order to feel the gap of not feeling loved. She probably doesn't believe that she's worth it to be loved, because if she had that feeling, she wouldn't do all that the way she does. It's quite extreme. It's like she is unaware punishing herself for not being loved.
So when you try to understand her, her trigger is "What do you talk about? Why should you even be interested in supporting me?" In the meantime she longs for being loved. She just can't allow anyone to get close to that feeling, because of the fear of losing it or that she's deceived....
My husband, before we even started dating, said out loud to me, that he feared if we started dating, he would have to give up too much of himself. I said i planned to eventually have a family, and if he vould not see that in his future, we should stop. He said that with me, he could imagine a future that included kids. I told him, he would not have to give anything up. We have 2 awesome boys. I have been trying, probably resentfully, to prioritize his frustration intollerance to guide my to do list. For keeping the peace. He has been bearing the wedding vows like a martyr. Tollerating me. Managing me. We are not equals. It's bad. And boy did I see our dynamic in your video. The who's who, kept swapping.
Can next month or the next month be in the theme of finding our guiding purpose? So we can learn to recognize our needs and wants and discover ourselves? I got nearly nothing of me to share right now. And he looks at me with dread when he sees me coming. I think I am more loveable than that.
Maybe we, your scarred but lovely audience, might need a month in something like The Atlas of the Heart, to help us understand and recognize our emotions, put proper names to them, and understance how they connect. Then we may be able to identify the emotional guide posts that describe the borders of our personal boundaries. Then go on to purpose finding.
I am being demanding, suggesting this. Like others have said, I should be supporting you on patreon. Your guidance is something I really look forward to every week!! (Seriously though, we are all human. If you ever need to take a break, I think this crowd would understand. Though we might miss you with a fervour like Maurice Sendack's monsters, "we'll eat you up; we love you so!" Take the ire for love and take care of you, too.) Anyway, please, devote a corner of your mind to these suggestions?
Thank you ooooodles!!❤❤❤
I’ve cried listening to this video . The default mode of my needs being ignored , thus repressed etc. and also so used to do 100% work on my self and expecting others to do the same is life changing. The opportunity that both needs / wants can be met and some creative solution sounds like a dream .
I love your delivery so much , you’re such a wealth of knowledge and sooo so so well put together and clear - my adhd brain admires you . Thanks so much for doing this work - you helping so many people . I’m devouring your content 👏🥹🫶🏻
Heidi, I don’t know what is about your delivery but it allows me to process a lot of things at a high level without triggering emotional overwhelm. Thank you so much.
Thank you, as always, Heidi!
Hi heidi!I want to thank you for the light and change u bought to my life,i was a mess but ur videos helped me a lot, thanks a ton❤
Can you make a video about strong attachments to older peers (bosses, mentors etc.) due to being unloved in your childhood and how to know if they are unhealthy or actually good for you?
God this describes my entire process the last 4 years in my relationship. I only just recently got this sorted out the way you describe. Such complex work that had to be done. Thank you for simplifying. ❤
How do we support your work??? You’re far from the only person who I watch every video from, but you have the most pragmatically useful tools that help me shift my life for the better. Thank you ❤
Damm, you're good Heidi. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. After she died I learned this. I began going to college to study psychology and now I'm in graduate school for mental health counseling. What I've learned is that I did this in all my romantic relationships. I feel soo resentful in my marriage now because I know now that I suppressed all my wants and needs. The marriage doesn't feel real now. It feels fake because I really don't feel like I'm with the one i truly should be with. I read somewhere that one thing that causes divorce more than anything is when one partner starts to heal.
Thank you! I like how you introduced the concept of unspoken contracts in this topic.
Stifled, weird, and depressed...yep that just about sums it up!😜
This work is incredibly difficult, but thank you so much for posting this type of content. It is very helpful.
Your videos are uncannily relevant to my life, like as you post them. Excited and nervous for this video I'll have to watch it when I'm not so nervous lol
One thing that is so obvious Heidi, is that you are truly working hard on your issues. this makes your videos so relatable, free from bitterness and bashing plus, they build so well on each other! Thank you for giving all this for free!❤❤
Having 4 brothers definitely impacted me. Their needs were always louder and became more important and I stopped expressing mine
WOW! Once again Heidi you articulated so many things that I've experienced throughout my life. I've struggled with these exact issues all my life and I'm going to be 57 tomorrow! It's lead me to isolating a LOT, not seeing ANY value in an intimate relationship because I just run them all off or I'm not attracted to them. Healthy people to be in a relationship with? Hell I don't know if I'd recognize one if she was in my life right now!! I have NO IDEA what that looks like in another person other than "Well they look like they have it all together and I'm over here being all crazy. No need to infect them with all my shit." Which really means "They're smiling and seem interested in me but if they REALLY REALLY knew me, they would leave so fast they'd leave skid marks in the driveway cuz I'm just 'TOO MUCH' for most people." I'm hoping to heal that before I'm too old to give a shit anymore and your videos definitely help. I've literally only had 1 gf my entire life and that only lasted for 9 months and was deeply painful in the end. I'm not entirely sure how to heal it and even thinking about it scares the shit outta me. Ugh.
Heidi: You are CHANGING my life. This video was more helpful than 26 years in recovery and therapy. Thank you for using your gifts to help all of us wounded souls seeking a secure attachment with ourselves.
I wish I would feel more safe to share my wishes and emotions. I feel so much pain due to my unbounded empathy, yet, aggression is the only emotion I feel respected with, and not in a good way😔
I wish people cared more for themselves and others.
Great video! I love when you include flow charts and such. They're very helpful.
Thank you, Heidi, for another crystal clear, well constructed and articulated, highly compassionate and constructive episode. Immensely helpful to me.
Wow, this was a hard one for me. Now I really fear that I will forget this again...
This is 100% me, it seems so simple to just talk about the needs one have and then find a solution with which everyone is happy, but it is so hard to talk about my needs and at the same time I think I am responsible for regulating the other person and being always strong and knowing what is the right thing to do. While I always selfregulate through unhealthy behaviour, because I never learned how to do it another way.
I was just looking at all the videos you have posted on your channel and realize you are assembling the human emotional care and repair manual! I was always wanting be of those. have one for my washing machine, why didn’t we get one for this machine we wake up in everyday?
Thanks for your service! We would love to give you a free stay at our lodge in Costa Rica to say thanks.
I love this.
The style of presentation, where you show the issue and how it makes things bad and later show what is the healthy way of dealing with the problem, is what I really like to see.
Because often I don't feel like I know what to do, when I only know what not to do.
Thank you Heidi! Your videos always help me self soothe. I am so tired of trying. Probably not a good sign.
"You might notice it when you get resentful" - oof. Really will ponder this more.
Wow, so happy to have watched this video. I am in a total confused relationship with my neighbor who is severely traumatized in his childhood and later on. Same for me. His coping mechanism is different from mine. His is to not trust anyone and disconnect from people and I enjoy being around people and see who is worth my trust or not. When someone deserves my trust, he becomes a good friend. He has deserved my trust, because I understand where he's coming from and I thought we could learn a lot from each other.
Unfortunately, it has been really difficult because he sees finding a solution for our different needs as a competition. He really gets angry, which makes me angry, because I only want to find a way in which we both feel good, because I care for him and it only will make us feel closer towards each other. Now he is just running away from that, because of his fearful-avoidant attachment style.
To cope with that, alcohol has been his friend for over 40 years... With a very, very bad outcome, because his liver has given up on him...
This is so devastating and I need to see that it's not my fault ...
Whoaaaa! This video was eye-opening. When I first started dating my husband I felt like we were on the same page in many ways. Now… 10 yrs later… I find myself extremely dysregulated these days and meeting my husband’s needs feels like A LOT of pressure. I often feel like running away. I know I have CPTSD and I’m working hard at healing my nervous system. I also know I’ve held back and allowed my husband to take the lead throughout the majority of our relationship. I’ve kept a lot of my needs hidden and I’ve played small. It’s been even more confusing since I married into a blended family. It’s been a confusing time… especially since we both have insecure attachments… along with lack of direct communication and vulnerability.
I'm so glad to be aware of this. Thank you for presenting this with a focus on taking personal responsibility instead of finger pointing.
This is me to a T. I’ve lived most, if not all of my life, believing that may own needs didn’t really matter so I would sacrifice or ignore them to try to keep people from leaving me. As you said, Heidi, it fits right in with CPTSD and I also have a disorganized attachment style to go along with it. It just…sucks. 😕
Im so grateful that Heidi went down the path of Psychology .. Im finally beginning to piece things together.
I'm not even 20 seconds into the video and you've already made me physically pull away from my phone with how accurate you are... Your videos might just save my life
I'm this. Parents divorced when I was 4, not sure how the dynamics were but my mother has a tendency for guilt-tripping and dramatic reactions to disappointments. I did this people-pleasing in my relationships. And avoiding conflict. Now I consciously bring out what I want and it makes my life so much better.
Needs and wants are not a zero-sum game. Wow wow wow. I needed someone to spell that out for me. Thank you, Heidi! I’ll be returning to this one not once. Such an eye-opener ❤
Another jewel of wisdom, as usual. ❤
My ex-husband ended up looking at me as his enemy. It was painful and incomprehensible. Thanks for the explanation Heidi! I don't know if he'll ever understand how distorted were his thoughts. It's very painful when you see a person leaving this way.
Each time i reflect internally on something going on, the day after you release a video pin pointing exactly that precise spot that i couldve never put a word on !! Learning from your videos & journaling how it reflects in me has been so far one of the best therapy i've had. Thank you so much for this precious content !!!!
Omg Heidi your needs really hit the spot thank you so much ❤
thank you. the perpectives you’ve introduced me to have impacted the way in which i navigate the world. you’ve been an immense help in sorting out my deepest experiences and i’m greatful that you decided to share your talent for putting the seemingly unexplainable tangled up feelings into words that bring hope, not the empty kind but the i have the power to change the pattern kind
Heidi you are literally the greatest of all time, your videos have helped me recognize the way that trauma has impacted my life and led me to being diagnosed with CPTSD which has been so validating and also led me to EMDR and IFS therapy which I’ve only been in for a little bit but it’s already changed my life for the better, you are a godsend, I can’t thank you enough.
Thank you Heidi!❤🙏❤️ This is truly amazing! I’m new here and found you very recently, but the impact you have had on my life is already immense. Love from Sweden 😊❤
Love your content Heidi, thank you so much for your insight. The way you present ideas is accessible and since you connect with the material there is a strong human element to engage with.
Hi Heidi! Thanks so much for this and all your videos. They've gotten me started on a journey I clearly have needed to go on for a long time now
When I was watching this video, I was kind of surprised to find that I resonated most with the third negative possibility you discussed: being not consciously aware of my interpersonal needs.
The idea of having interpersonal needs at all is alien to me. My needs weren't met at all growing up, and I had no tools to understand why: in my adulthood I've realized I'm transgender, a highly sensitive person (HSP), and definitely neurodivergent in at least one major way. For as long as I remember, I've always had this belief that no one but me can understand and address my needs. And unfortunately, even when I've managed at times to really open up to someone, I've had a lot of those people let me down in ways that were incredibly painful, and were either well-intentioned but misguided or else justified hurtful actions towards me out of love for me.
Until very recently in my life, and still to an extent today, I dealt with this by being an absolute hermit. I can count on one hand the people outside my family who knew me before that still have any contact with my whatsoever. I feel like most people who knew me in my life never knew the real me, because the real me was being suppressed, in her entirety, for as long as I can remember.
I've had to do a lot of work to even be aware of my own needs internally, and owe a lot of that to your other videos. But the idea that someone else could help me with those needs is difficult to imagine. I know I like people. I may even be a very repressed extravert, because when I am feeling grounded and well, other people can make the world seem so much more colorful and vibrant and alive.
I know my relationships are suffering as a result of this issue too. I've needed a lot of space from a lot of my friends and partner lately, and definitely find it threatening whenever anyone expresses a need to me. I know this is a sign that I have needs that I'm not expressing, but I'm not consciously aware of them and I don't know how to bring them to my conscious awareness.
Do you have any insight on how to explore and find my interpersonal needs? Thank you so much for all you do 🙏
Curious what you mean by justified hurtful actions? I’ve only been able to access my true needs by completing isolating myself, prolonged periods without activating my false self or having to respond to others 😕
I was watching this and harshly criticizing myself for the areas where I've fallen short on compassion and healthy problem-solving. But then I realized, I've been doing really good at noticing where I'm feeling resentment and why I am, and also noticing where I need to ask my partner for a bit of support in order to feel more balanced in our relationship. As someone with a disorganized attachment style, and is dating someone who errs more avoidant, I'm finding myself in need of a little more support both from my partner and from myself. It does take extra effort to remain regulated, but the payoff of having the relationships that I now have is far greater than what I settled into previously. I can now form deep and honest connections with others that make me feel fulfilled, rather than hiding myself away in attempt to make others more comfortable. Being vulnerable and confessing needs and emotions is scary, and sometimes you learn that people don't fit into your life how you expected them to, but you also learn how good it feels to let people fit in your life how they're supposed to.
I just want to say thank you so much for doing what you do. You help me tremendously, understanding important issues a lot better. I appreciate so much that there is no fluff or courses or dodgy sponsorships. You are doing great work.
Thank you, Heidi for your amazing work! I have had so many ah ha moments from watching your channel. I have been exploring this kind of stuff, in one way or another, most of my 50 years. I really feel like your channel has helped me with so many problem areas. I wish that I had known all of this so long ago, but I am eternally grateful that you've made all of this available.
I honestly had to stop the video to comment. You have helped me more than anyone to understand emotions and relationships. I find your channel invaluable and wish you lived in my city. Thank you for your wonderful work.
Heidi, much gratitude to you for so clearly articulating this crucial subject. You are a gifted teacher who provides healing through helping others understand the relational concepts that you teach. No matter what are age is, this video is incredibly instructive, insightful, balanced, compassionate & useful to each of us who needs to listen to it. To truly understand how shame based needs disrupt & deteriorate relationships of any kind as well as our self-esteem is a life changer. Every high school, college age & trade school person could benefit from learning this before they develop relationships in the course of their lives.
@21:00... that also happens inside yourself, all the time. I'm convinced that this is the deeper root of the problem you're describing. Your own internal conflicting needs and desires overwhelm you when you don't know how to make healthy compromises with yourself.
Thanks Heidi so helpful resonated. Thanks for the slow pace and soft tone! It helps me feel less anxious when I listen. Thanks
Thank you for this. This was a major impact in my most recent breakup, and I'm working hard to acknowledge my own suppression of needs and acting to vocalize my wants and communicate clearly moving forward.
Such good and positive information. Thanks so much. Timely for me. Thanks for the content you provide Heidi
I just read your book. Twice " this is me letting go" fabulous skill you have and loved the books content it helped me move on.
Ive become a lot better at identifying and expressing my needs, but was still struggling to come to any sort of solution or have healthy relating around this with friends and others, it’s been a source of a lot of frustration for me cause I wasn’t sure what I was missing-didn’t realize till this video that I’ve been treating it like a competition! Expressing my needs and then expecting the other person to give in fully, or feeling like I had to justify the needs and if I did adequately the other person would be forced to meet them cause I was “right”, or if they push back at all just letting go of mine at that point cause I’d start to feel like I must not have a right to them if the other person is also fighting for theirs. So excited to have another piece of the puzzle!
This was so supportive to watch. Ive been moving toward a nore secure attachment and this shows ne that im on the right track
Fantastic timing Heidi. This video just clicked instantly and made all my current and previous relationships make sense.
I really like what you’ve said here and can see where this lack of understanding lead to the disjointing of my recent relationship with my fearfully avoidant ex, especially with us both being children of CPTSD. This one is enlightening. Thanks for posting, Heidi!! 😌💯
Holy frick... this blew my mind so hard. That's exactly how it played out with both of the relationships I've had
I don't know how you ALWAYS HAVE the video i need or didnt know i needed ! 🎉🎉😲👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
As per usual, Heidi has me sitting here staring at my phone like.... wig. Always incredibly accurate to my feelings on my CPTSD journey ❤
Well, I have seen all the patterns regarding need beliefs you mentioned in this video both in me and my partner during our relationship. I could write line by line all the instances and how they match with the theoretical examples 😂 This video resonated deeply Heidi, and they are a much needed accompany to my traditional theraphy (where attachment theory stuff do come up but looking at them with you makes all the difference). I have felt immensely shameful and especially selfish for all the needs I had and I definitely hate the idea of a relationship because as you said, it means in my head taking care of two people. I do notice my interpersonal needs more and more, but I feel so distrustful of people. It was quite brutal yet true when you said that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy because it really is. That is the biggest takeaway for me from this video. But I love that with you, I find the courage (and it needs so much courage 😂) to live a bolder, more fulfilling life. I do wish the same for all the people.