Ah yes this is a problem I've been dealing with for most my life. I constantly get told that I'm "too nice" and I need to stop letting people walk all over me. I agree that I let people get away with a bit too much because I'm very non-confrontational and I tend to keep the peace and avoid conflict at all costs. I am an ENFP and I also have C-PTSD (was just diagnosed last year), and I'm definitely familiar with what fawning is. I'm aware I do it and yet I'm always just too afraid to stand up for myself a lot of the time.
I think putting it in context that conflict isn't always a bad thing. Your need matter and if you don't exert them sometimes, you will grow resentful, and the relationship is in more jeopardy than if you just assert your needs in a polite way. If you find yourself around a lot of people who are always inconsiderate of your needs, only take advantage of your need to give in, and don't really want to make you happy, think what that means for you. If you're capable maybe move away from that and towards others who encourage you to express your wants, and self actualize.
Thank you for this video!! I've been struggling with this my whole life. I grew up always fawning and trying to make people happy because I was scared of being abandoned, and recently I kind of realized it so I went hard in the opposite direction. This has made people visibly uncomfortable, because, well, i've kind of been a jerk. This video right here is exactly what I needed to hear. You can still be a nice person and not fawn :)
The scary part about my fawning is how little self-awareness I have that I'm doing it. Later on I'll see the pattern clearly, but in the moment it's like I'm completely blind to what's happening. I liked that tip of ask yourself what you would do if the other person weren't there. When I first left my husband grocery shopping was so strange, I forgot what I liked entirely somehow and just wandered around lost. It came back to me pretty quickly though!
Yes!!! It's taking me sooooo long to learn how to pause when I'm in a moment when I feel myself doing this. But even when I have a little awareness in the moment (which I'm having more of now that I've been practicing it for a bit) I still struggle to STOP IT and switch gears. OMG
Its because you have been put on spot and didn't have time to think about the answer. Write down all the situation you are commonly exposed to which leads you to Fawning and write the responses. Learn it by heart so next tine you are put on spot you already have an answer. Hope it helps.
I just discovered you and I'm blown away by all of this!💥I had never heard of Pete Walker or a "Fawn Response" or CPTSD until I stumbled onto a video of yours yesterday and now I'm having all of these "ah-ha" realizations. And I can't get enough of your videos!! I am such a FAWNER and I had no idea. I've never thought that I was "too nice" exactly, because I sort of sensed that it wasn't about being "nice" (and I agree that MORE kindness is needed in our lives, not less), but more about people pleasing and having shitty boundaries. I wish I would've figured this shit out before I had my daughters because I've been accidentally modeling this behavior for them now, too!😫
This is such powerful stuff! I know it can be painful to realise we've been modeling trauma related behavior for our kids, but I've found that it's really healthy and healing for kids to have their parents openly talk about their less than healthy behaviors and be openly working to improve them. Like, I think my step daughter may have actually benefited more from me being like that than of i had just been 100% healthy, because she got to see that it's normal to look at our own behavior and how it impacts others, and makes efforts to change. Like, a simple example would be a time I got very impatient with her, then I stopped and just said to her, "Oh gosh! I'm sorry. I may be impatient, but it's not ok that I spoke to you that way. I love you and I want to be gentle with you. I think what I need is just a few minutes of quiet time to calm down so that I can be nicer again. Would you be ok with playing for 5 minutes by yourself while I make myself a cup of tea?" And also say, "I understand if you're feeling upset or angry at me. That's ok and it makes sense to be unhappy when somebody speaks to us in a way that feels bad." (and offer her a hug if she wants, and maybe ask her if she wants to tell me how she's feeling) Sorry for the long comment but I felt compassion reading your comment and hope you aren't being hard on yourself for being certain ways when you didn't know different options 💖
Seeing you realize you are making mistakes, course correct, and apply effort and determination to heal for the sake of yourself and everyone is an incredibly valuable thing to model. They are going to have wounds and scars, maybe tiny ones, maybe bigger ones, but we all have them. But not all of us get the chance to see our caregivers recognize their scars and make hard efforts because they love us. Life is a learning pathway. Hugs and best wishes!
How am I this old and just learning about CPTSD? My goodness, this changes everything. A lifetime of struggles explained so simply; now comes the hard part. It will be one thing to overcome this to create a healthy balance in my life, it will be quite another to not feel guilty about actually doing something for myself. This is devastating to me. It's not the things done to me, it is a lifetime of lost potential and not knowing why. I am having a hard time with that and wonder just who I really am. I'd like to meet him, he has been hiding all his life. I guess I have been waiting for someone to tell me it is safe to come out of my hiding closet, he is gone forever and is no longer a threat. Thank you Heidi for painting a very practical picture we can all see clearly. Let me tell you, it is on! I just needed to know, I cannot address what I do not understand. Time to take my life back, this is NOT over!
Me neither! I always thought it was like flirting, because I have heard the term used differently, in that context. This makes much more sense, without the demeaning connotation.
I want to thank you so much for bringing up that while we’re responsible for our own emotions, that doesn’t give us the right to block, “call out,” ignore or shun another person, especially a so-called friend! So many people just decide someone’s all bad and overuse that block button, overuse the term “psychic vampire” and just discard a relationship like trash. Communication seems to be becoming a lost art and that is very sad. Personally, when I tell someone they’ve hurt me and why or that at the very least, I FEEL hurt as a result of their actions, I often get the response, “That is on YOU.” And, “You are responsible for your own happiness and self-worth.” Which, to an extent, I agree. But say everyone dismissed and rejected a highly confident person. I feel like the constant negativity of others would eventually chip away at that person’s self-esteem. So I don’t like this new way of thinking that we are in no way responsible for other people’s feelings. I find it selfish and rude and I really appreciate your calling that out in this video. Do you have a video on this topic specifically? Thanks for your content, I’m really learning from your videos!
Yes! This all the way!!! This has been on my mind for years. My family has been calling me really negative lately after being devastated by friends who constantly were inconsiderate to me and left me feeling super gaslit about the whole situation. I eventually parted ways with many of them because I knew in my heart we probably couldnt reconcile the situation without me being considered clingy or them having resentment for expressing my needs. Relationships are a two way street and feeling like you're walking on eggshells is never a good sign.
I had always been told I was too nice and that my biggest flaw was that I was a people pleaser but I didn’t know how to be a different way or why it was so hard to change. When I learned that fawning is a trauma response it made so much sense and took the pressure of me feeling like there is something wrong with me. It gives a whole new perspective and realization about why I do it and that it’s possible to change by healing and doing the work on yourself. Thank you for sharing this information!
That's all fine and good if you attract people in your life willing to work with you and not walk away when they don't get what they think they want or they don't essentially care about your feelings
Let those other people walk away. Unless, of course, you are dependent on them for your very survival. If you can possibly do for yourself, they can keep it moving! ❤
Thank you for this video. I agree 1000%. I'd add that that there seems to be this idea that either everyone has to be friends or you hate each other and are enemies. There's a middle ground known as peaceable coexistence. Not everyone is going to like you, but you CAN exist in the same space or even work together and not be at war.
Ugh.... I blocked a guy I was really like tonight because I told him I wasn't into his kink, and I was too scared to wait and see his response in case it was an angry, abusive response. I think as a woman in this world we get so used to being yelled at and walked all over that eventually you just start to sabotage yourself by not letting anyone into your world.
Each day I get more signs that my calling is to leverage off my pain and healing, follow my calling (despite at age 44 having no uni qualifications, but a lifetime of reading and selfwork) to follow your lead and do this work, maybe start my own channel to spread the good work. You are been the single most influential and helpful resource to date and I want more than anything to help people the way you have helped and inspired me.
It took me a lifetime of experience, reading, and working on myself and, at 42, I now have one more year of uni before I have a psychology and neurobiology degree! I already have a Chemical Dependency certification, and am doing patient advocacy in mental health and addiction treatment systems! I love it! Personally, it’s something I’ve been through before. Therefore, I really understand that individuals have specific needs and treatment styles they respond to. I’m sure your reading and experience has left you with insight into something, or things, you are passionate about. I told my counselor, “If I go to university at 41, I’ll be 45 when I finish.” She asked, “How old will you be in 4 years, if you don’t go to school?” That is the wisest, most helpful advice I have ever received! It took me a year to get funds and get accepted, but I have a career now. Keep your resolve…you can do it! Whether you will need further education or not to fulfill your dreams, don’t let anything stop you. We do learn a tremendous amount by living. ❤
@@sciencenotstigma9534Amazing! Thanks for much for responding. I totally agree with you. Funnily enough your reply reads like I could have written it to someone is this situation... hahaha ENFP? 😆 After realising the 30 + hours a week I spend on my self education, is a workload similar to 2 uni papers a semester, I've decided to sit in ny knowledge and understand that instead of doing a BA in Pysch, with a bunch of mandatory papers, I've done in incredibly intense deep dive of specialist study into areas that mean, I most likely have a broader and more specific understanding of my special interest areas. Making me an SME whether or not I have a degree, plus lived experience. So I'm going to claim that and work with what I've got, which is an awful lot. I'm going to do the Gabor Mate Compassionate Enquiry self study course and build my skills selectively and strategically ❤️ All the best of your degree and your new career! Reach for the stars 🌟 then shake them a little 😄 and a little sprinkle star dust on the world 🌎 ✨️ 🎶 ♥️
I'm 33 and just learning about this. Raised by a somewhat authoritarian mother. Thank you Heidi, this and your other videos have been incredibly enlightening.
It drives me crazy, those people that say “I’m sick of being nice” and “if you’re upset that’s your problem, you are responsible for your own emtotions”. My little brother does this! I lent him my collection of art books while I lived overseas. He asked for them. When I returned he had left them out in the street to give away, just 2 weeks before my return! I was so annoyed and his response was “if you’re upset that’s your problem, you’re responsible for how you feel so I can’t help you”. Then years later he visits me and loves my book collection and asks to borrow a bunch of books, I got triggered and just exploded at him over those books. I still haven’t let it go….
Thank you Heidi - this has been long on my list and I have been learning to stay focused while fawning and interrupt that pattern. What I have learned is; that due to all the fawning, many people assumed (or were conditioned by me lol) that I am more of a listener. And when I am now voicing my opinions and so on, I realize that people interrupt me pretty often. Its still triggering to me, because of emotional neglect as a kid; I always feel the pain that my opinion doesnt matter. I still need to learn to be more assertive in those moments and at least say sth. along the lines of "hey..please let me finish my thoughts on that matter; I dont feel respected when you interrupt me all the time"
"Nice" is the wrong word. "Good" is more appropriate. There is a difference between being "nice" (i.e. fawning) and being a "Good" person who is assertive, strong, and still kind and empathetic and can work well with people to get what they want, or attain goals that are "wins" for everyone.
I agree with you, and also with Heidi’s concept of, “nice.” There’s nothing wrong with being nice (kind), as long as you know it doesn’t mean you have to please others all the time, rather than honoring your needs. ❤
I realize these days I fawn. This was a good video. I gotta be better about being in the middle ground and considering my wants and needs, as well as others. I still catch myself fawning too much, and it does show in resentments.
I’m watching this in 2024 because I recently discovered your channel. I had no idea that I was doing this, but I do it all the time. My mom used to do this and it drove me crazy. I can’t believe I’m doing it as well. I think your videos are brilliant. You totally hit the nail on the head about how we can ping-pong between fawning and then sometimes just expecting other people to meet our needs and not even thinking about how that impacts them. My friends often describe me as “too nice“, but I totally agree with you that there’s no such thing as too nice. Now it’s clear to me. And I have a bad habit of doing things for people and then turning resentful after I realize I didn’t really want to do it. It’s not their fault! Thank you for pointing that out to me. I really appreciate your videos and I also appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable with us. Thank you so much, Heidi! You’re a treasure.💕
I am first hearing about fawning from your video. And I do it so often that it's painful emotionally. I realized my people pleasing/codependent nature perhaps a year ago. But I just discovered your channel and am already picking up new insights to myself. I appreciate the steps you provided. I'm gonna try my best to ask myself how I would act if I were alone before responding. I especially have a knee jerk reaction to say sorry hopefully I can apply these themes to that tendency.
Practising staying in my own body and be open to feeling what I need and want and calmly, considerately express it, rather than abandoning myself in co-dependent over-care, uncertain whether my need/wish is reasonable or not, and wanting to be nice to ensure the continuation of the contact, by catering for their needs. I also tend to treat men as though they were (women) like myself: Very attentive to the other's need, especially if I he did sth for me.
Ever since my wife of fourteen years left me one-and-a-half years ago, I've been discovering how our dynamic was unhealthy. However, I always considered my primary F-response to be fight and my secondary to be freeze. Yet, listening to your presentation was the first time I realised that, towards my wife, my most common F-response probably was fawning... Such a completely novel insight! 🤯
Another great video, Heidi. Definitely new to fawn response recovery. My only contribution is that I think the word “nice” may be beyond redemption, and is too loaded with people-pleasing connotations to ever again be something to aspire to. “Kind” and “considerate” are the ones for me.
That's a great video. Thank you for sharing. Growing up in China, we were always told not to speak up and be fawning, I was always told to not say no to superiors, such as bosses, teachers, and elserlys. You have such beautiful eyes btw.
Thanks for the clarification! I am a fawner, burned in me for surviving, and have trouble now that I am out of this situation. I couldn't quite pinpoint my problem tho for a while. Your video helped in giving me proper words and contextualising what I do more
I live with a narc & had the worst kind of social phobia, i was always afraid of people, it became a struggle , my mental health suffered a lot, it was a good thing i came to know God coz it was really so hard to forgive.
We are expected to put the other's needs before our own, usually the other won't take advantage over your kindness, & ordinarily the kind one will pull out from being used, for me going so slow now has been detrimental in many ways cause I'm not quick to recognize being used, & responding appropriately..
❤ Thank you.. Thank you!!! This brings me Some Sanity and Humanity to combining Freeze, Fawn, Enmeshment, Lack of Identity, Detachment (a step out of unbearable zombie land). This has Sooooo given me hope. ❤❤❤
"you are not getting along with someone - it's because they are narcissist" - Have a like just for this statement. I feel like youtube is trying to make me believe everyone around me is narcissist. trying hard. for months. it is very annoying. and i tend to overconpensate thinking what if i'm narcissist and do all this to ppl. I don't like it. It was a very nice video in general.
Being too nice is what we call dumb-kind. fake-nice in Swedish.I sometimes think: Am I being untruthful now, acting the way I would if I were balanced and regulated. Heidi, the bigger female agreeableness lies not just in upbringing but innately in our feminine soul and bodies. It comes with having our inner room, and with not being as incarnated as men.
Trying so hard to get to this place. I’ve been at both sides of the pendulum and there is so much advice out there that says it’s one way or another. That we need to be totally responsible for how someone else feels or not at all. Learning this stuff is so hard and of course the middle way is the best way. I hope this message gets put across and seen by the most amount of people possible because it seems to be a case at the moment that self-love equates to being selfish and putting you first at all costs which is not self-love at all!! Christ I don’t think relationships have ever been so difficult…
Heidi, I definitely fawn and people please…Another thing I commit to others without giving it a true answer. I still go back and forth counting the costs, worrying about having an episode. Boyfriend says Sue let your yes be yes or no be no. So my answer right away is NO
thanks that was really helpful. i tend to get really fiery setting my boundaries and then move through fawn and freeze after that. videos like this really have helped me a lot to learn more about my c-ptsd.
I have gotten to the point where most of the time I don't even know what my wants and needs even are.😢 I have watched a few of your videos and have found them to be helpful and insightful! Just like limerence to you, fawning is a completely new concept to me. Could you make a longer video on the topic?
❤ only learnt the term a few days ago. I started doing it as a baby. 4 older brothers, 3 of which abused me. I see it in my dogs at home. Rolling on their backs, exposing their bellies. Crazy ! As a fawner, I always exposed my vulnerability, hoping to not be hurt. Bad idea.
I'm so glad I found this, I almost destroyed one of my closest friendships because I resented him over my fawning response, so now I finally have the language to understand what really happened.
I didn't know this was a thing, I stopped expressing my needs or wants because I was either ignored or were put down. It always made me feel lonely and rejected, so I just stopped. I just go with what others want or just say I can't because I'm busy.
Thank you for this. I worry that I'm too nice but I do have boundaries. I have to be careful about fawning though. My grandma is the same way and my dad calls it "love bombing".
I like how you describe one side then the other and then give the middle which is the right choice. I am amazed how I chose the wrong choice each time :( I need to learn a lot more, thank you.
Personally I like Jerry Wise advice for people who chronically use the fawn response. First off these people already have a strong shame attached to being seen as selfish. He got the advice from a therapist to try being selfish for a week. Well that sounds like bad advice. Not if you are so far on the sliding scale of fawn response from trauma that your misconception of being “nice” is to always give others what they want over your own needs.
What I noticed especially as a male with one is the type of disgust I get in my relationships when it happens. Gender definitely plays a role in this. I do this response because I’m fearful of being the stubborn, inconsiderate, or aggressive guy who isn’t constructive in a relationship then I end up not communicating my own needs. Which inadvertently makes me seen as a doormat, men aren’t profiled to have that sort of humiliation so when it happens it’s feels so much worse because my trusted partners are now profiling me as spineless, I assume they are prepared for something more militant but even the look on their face almost like they see me as a homeless dog.
i know i fawn but most people don,t know what fawning is so i call it ´to nice' . but now i know when i am nice or when i fawn . i fawn when i feel a bit scared of someone.
My thought? Im gonna make a folder named "heidi Priebe", because there has been so much useful advice !! And to your questions at the end: Im a big time fawner!
I disagree. We feel like we're being too nice because we're used to being surrounded by people who take advantage of it and do not reciprocate or appreciate our kindness. So the natural next step would be to figure that we must be being too nice. Other people aren't being nice enough. That sounds judgmental so saying "I'm being too nice" is a kinder way to express that to those around us. It can feel like nobody is taking our needs into account so how can they ask us to take theirs into account? Is what it feels like in the moment
As a genderqueer person I just want to add something to your note about women being socialized to fawn--i just want to emphasize the socialization aspect not only in the case of fawning, but in the case of gender as well. Anyone who grew up socialized as a young girl and possibly even socialized into their adulthood as women, I believe is more likely to exhibit a fawn response more and/or in more pronounced manners in activating situations. So this also encompasses trans men, nonbinary folks, people who don't like to label themselves, etc. And arguably because of the experience of marginalization in queer people's lives, let-alone genderqueer people (especially genderqueer people of the global majority--BIPOC, though I prefer the previous term--who are disabled and/or neurodivergent) genderqueer folks who are socialized as women growing up are arguably even more liable to struggle with fawn and freeze responses. There's this piece of going along with the majority because you know you're different and you have to hide yourself that is really destructive in young queer folks lives in general. I believe we're encouraged or left to default to a lot of self-abandonment in our choices and how we express ourselves, especially folks raised as girls. The way we're socialized can make it really emotionally unsafe to disagree or engage in conflict. Especially because all people raised as girls, our opinions are questioned more, our expertise is not as trusted in many professional settings. This in combination with hiding oneself because you feel so fundamentally different from others and have been taught that is wrong. I'm not a scientist nor have I studied psychology. I'm am English lit major and I just kind of specialize in stories, in digging for patterns and the way writers and artists vocalize their experiences in different modes and mediums. And as a queer person, watching the tendency of queer folks to hide and overwrite themselves and their experiences... is brutal and something I see/read/hear all too often.
Okay but when Im triggered, fawning is the only thing happening. Its as if my brain is in over-ride and Im stuck complying in a situation I wouldn’t agree to if I were anyone else. After the fact I kick myself for not saying what whats real for me. The disassociation is real and at the time Im so far away from who I am. I haaaaaate it so much and it happens a too much.
The biggest problem you have here is you are discussing the effects not the cause. The cause is expecting X for Y amount of nice. A person that is actually nice thinks about a future mutually beneficial potential, not a current transaction. My normal motivation is to be nice, not in hopes that the specific person is nice or helpful back, but they testify to others in a helpful way that generates opportunities that I'm not even aware of. I had someone that was about to shoot me in the face. A girl came running up to stop it. She said I was a great guy and the shooter was making a mistake. That girl had been my waitress several nights before (and had seen me treat others nicely as I frequented that specific restaurant). Now, if I had "been nice" just to get extra food or her phone number, etc at that moment, I'd probably have a nice tombstone. Having a want in return for being nice isn't the same thing as what you deserve for being nice. Be nice, people.
But ugh, when a person has no idea what their own needs are no one else can know either. That is their personal work and can only be done be them. I see people who don’t have a clue as to their own essential needs adopting a power, control, manipulation dynamic with the world in which the simply try to “win” as much material goods, services, power over others as a substitute for figuring out and fulfilling their own CORE ESSENTIAL needs.
Great video. I’d like to add, there are 5 “F Responses” - the fifth being “fornicate.” Basically, the question the brain asks itself being - “Is this thing trying to fight me, eat me, or eff me?” This is why sexual relationships are so prominent, during times such as war or disaster - and why people (it seems most often women) with C-PTSD have the potential to become hyper-sexual. My past behavior made a lot of sense, once I learned this - especially being I am autistic and always been more asexual, prior to changing my diet and cutting out vegetable oils (BIG help, in easing trauma responses, also. Vegetable/seed oils are absolutely horrid for the brain). Whenever I am having a trauma response - my sex-drive goes up, also. And unless something happened, which, wasn’t to my knowledge/prior to my being able to remember/blocked out - I haven’t experienced any early childhood sexual abuse, to trigger such a response, otherwise (though, with the secrets and lies my family keeps and has made - I wouldn’t be surprised). And I would use fawning, as a way to gain that masculine attention, from men I would find exciting and want to have sex with - regardless of the red flags. My red flags were always pink - and who doesn’t enjoy pink? I wish I could remember the book I was reading, when introduced to the fifth “F” response - however, I lost it and my home in a wildfire, a few years ago. I always keep my eye out for the cover, when looking at books, however. I’ll do my best to think to edit this comment and share the title, if such a day ever arrives I come across this mysterious brain book.
Do you have any videos on how to reduce the amount that I interpret threat? You mentioned that fauning is a response to perceived threat, and a lot of the time this threat isn't really present. Can we help ourselves not to perceive situations as threats in the first place, and thus be more relaxed?
I'm just learning at 53 that I have done this my whole life. I want to discover who I really am and what my needs and wants actually are! I'm currently in a marriage with a partner who practices intermittant reinforcement with me and I never knew what that was either. Just looking for ways to connect with myself and discover my own self...do you hav any videos you would suggest for that? Thanks
I hate when people tell me im too nice or a good person , im not selfless i do good things, because it feels like the right thing to do and i get satisfaction from that , its also my way of controlling the situation to make sure it not a danger for the future of something i hate t because im a NF choleric(beta quadra)468sx/so and have other sides to me and dont want to be on someone's pedestal thinking they can control me through the snap shot they have formed of me in their mind . im more concerned with where something is headed than being nice . good video
Should I just get a tattoo on my forehead that says Im married with a kid and one on the way for people to understand I need my own space and Im an adult woman who owns private property and has no interest in rehashing old relationships? You do realize that people still bother and harass women no matter what we do right? We're not fawning we're quiet because we're afraid of what unstable people might do.
logically, if one person prefers A but accepts any of A B C, whereas another person will only accept C, those who will accept least will become the common denominator in group choice situations. that is, to include all, we go with the choice of the least accepting person
Ah yes this is a problem I've been dealing with for most my life. I constantly get told that I'm "too nice" and I need to stop letting people walk all over me. I agree that I let people get away with a bit too much because I'm very non-confrontational and I tend to keep the peace and avoid conflict at all costs. I am an ENFP and I also have C-PTSD (was just diagnosed last year), and I'm definitely familiar with what fawning is. I'm aware I do it and yet I'm always just too afraid to stand up for myself a lot of the time.
This is me also. It’s nice to know you’re not the only one ❤
I think putting it in context that conflict isn't always a bad thing. Your need matter and if you don't exert them sometimes, you will grow resentful, and the relationship is in more jeopardy than if you just assert your needs in a polite way. If you find yourself around a lot of people who are always inconsiderate of your needs, only take advantage of your need to give in, and don't really want to make you happy, think what that means for you. If you're capable maybe move away from that and towards others who encourage you to express your wants, and self actualize.
Yep that's me too
Undiagnosed but same
Start taking cold showers, they will cut the fawn response at the core.
Thank you for this video!! I've been struggling with this my whole life. I grew up always fawning and trying to make people happy because I was scared of being abandoned, and recently I kind of realized it so I went hard in the opposite direction. This has made people visibly uncomfortable, because, well, i've kind of been a jerk. This video right here is exactly what I needed to hear. You can still be a nice person and not fawn :)
The scary part about my fawning is how little self-awareness I have that I'm doing it. Later on I'll see the pattern clearly, but in the moment it's like I'm completely blind to what's happening. I liked that tip of ask yourself what you would do if the other person weren't there. When I first left my husband grocery shopping was so strange, I forgot what I liked entirely somehow and just wandered around lost. It came back to me pretty quickly though!
I sooooo relate!
That is my experience also. Trauma fawned response kicks in before I can adjust....clear as mud in that moment!
Yes!!! It's taking me sooooo long to learn how to pause when I'm in a moment when I feel myself doing this. But even when I have a little awareness in the moment (which I'm having more of now that I've been practicing it for a bit) I still struggle to STOP IT and switch gears. OMG
Its because you have been put on spot and didn't have time to think about the answer. Write down all the situation you are commonly exposed to which leads you to Fawning and write the responses. Learn it by heart so next tine you are put on spot you already have an answer. Hope it helps.
I can relate so much with you, it's amazing how difficult it's to notice the constant fawning we give 😢
I just discovered you and I'm blown away by all of this!💥I had never heard of Pete Walker or a "Fawn Response" or CPTSD until I stumbled onto a video of yours yesterday and now I'm having all of these "ah-ha" realizations. And I can't get enough of your videos!! I am such a FAWNER and I had no idea. I've never thought that I was "too nice" exactly, because I sort of sensed that it wasn't about being "nice" (and I agree that MORE kindness is needed in our lives, not less), but more about people pleasing and having shitty boundaries. I wish I would've figured this shit out before I had my daughters because I've been accidentally modeling this behavior for them now, too!😫
This is such powerful stuff!
I know it can be painful to realise we've been modeling trauma related behavior for our kids, but I've found that it's really healthy and healing for kids to have their parents openly talk about their less than healthy behaviors and be openly working to improve them. Like, I think my step daughter may have actually benefited more from me being like that than of i had just been 100% healthy, because she got to see that it's normal to look at our own behavior and how it impacts others, and makes efforts to change. Like, a simple example would be a time I got very impatient with her, then I stopped and just said to her, "Oh gosh! I'm sorry. I may be impatient, but it's not ok that I spoke to you that way. I love you and I want to be gentle with you. I think what I need is just a few minutes of quiet time to calm down so that I can be nicer again. Would you be ok with playing for 5 minutes by yourself while I make myself a cup of tea?" And also say, "I understand if you're feeling upset or angry at me. That's ok and it makes sense to be unhappy when somebody speaks to us in a way that feels bad."
(and offer her a hug if she wants, and maybe ask her if she wants to tell me how she's feeling)
Sorry for the long comment but I felt compassion reading your comment and hope you aren't being hard on yourself for being certain ways when you didn't know different options 💖
Seeing you realize you are making mistakes, course correct, and apply effort and determination to heal for the sake of yourself and everyone is an incredibly valuable thing to model.
They are going to have wounds and scars, maybe tiny ones, maybe bigger ones, but we all have them. But not all of us get the chance to see our caregivers recognize their scars and make hard efforts because they love us. Life is a learning pathway. Hugs and best wishes!
How am I this old and just learning about CPTSD? My goodness, this changes everything. A lifetime of struggles explained so simply; now comes the hard part. It will be one thing to overcome this to create a healthy balance in my life, it will be quite another to not feel guilty about actually doing something for myself. This is devastating to me. It's not the things done to me, it is a lifetime of lost potential and not knowing why. I am having a hard time with that and wonder just who I really am. I'd like to meet him, he has been hiding all his life. I guess I have been waiting for someone to tell me it is safe to come out of my hiding closet, he is gone forever and is no longer a threat. Thank you Heidi for painting a very practical picture we can all see clearly. Let me tell you, it is on! I just needed to know, I cannot address what I do not understand. Time to take my life back, this is NOT over!
I've never heard fawning explained as well before as in this video. Thank you.
Me neither! I always thought it was like flirting, because I have heard the term used differently, in that context. This makes much more sense, without the demeaning connotation.
I want to thank you so much for bringing up that while we’re responsible for our own emotions, that doesn’t give us the right to block, “call out,” ignore or shun another person, especially a so-called friend! So many people just decide someone’s all bad and overuse that block button, overuse the term “psychic vampire” and just discard a relationship like trash. Communication seems to be becoming a lost art and that is very sad. Personally, when I tell someone they’ve hurt me and why or that at the very least, I FEEL hurt as a result of their actions, I often get the response, “That is on YOU.” And, “You are responsible for your own happiness and self-worth.” Which, to an extent, I agree. But say everyone dismissed and rejected a highly confident person. I feel like the constant negativity of others would eventually chip away at that person’s self-esteem. So I don’t like this new way of thinking that we are in no way responsible for other people’s feelings. I find it selfish and rude and I really appreciate your calling that out in this video. Do you have a video on this topic specifically? Thanks for your content, I’m really learning from your videos!
We co-create the relationship so it’s not all on the individual to own it all the time.
Yes! This all the way!!! This has been on my mind for years. My family has been calling me really negative lately after being devastated by friends who constantly were inconsiderate to me and left me feeling super gaslit about the whole situation. I eventually parted ways with many of them because I knew in my heart we probably couldnt reconcile the situation without me being considered clingy or them having resentment for expressing my needs. Relationships are a two way street and feeling like you're walking on eggshells is never a good sign.
I had always been told I was too nice and that my biggest flaw was that I was a people pleaser but I didn’t know how to be a different way or why it was so hard to change. When I learned that fawning is a trauma response it made so much sense and took the pressure of me feeling like there is something wrong with me. It gives a whole new perspective and realization about why I do it and that it’s possible to change by healing and doing the work on yourself. Thank you for sharing this information!
That's all fine and good if you attract people in your life willing to work with you and not walk away when they don't get what they think they want or they don't essentially care about your feelings
Let those other people walk away. Unless, of course, you are dependent on them for your very survival. If you can possibly do for yourself, they can keep it moving! ❤
Thank you for this video. I agree 1000%. I'd add that that there seems to be this idea that either everyone has to be friends or you hate each other and are enemies. There's a middle ground known as peaceable coexistence. Not everyone is going to like you, but you CAN exist in the same space or even work together and not be at war.
Ugh.... I blocked a guy I was really like tonight because I told him I wasn't into his kink, and I was too scared to wait and see his response in case it was an angry, abusive response.
I think as a woman in this world we get so used to being yelled at and walked all over that eventually you just start to sabotage yourself by not letting anyone into your world.
This one is relatable. Honestly, the right people make you feel comfortable and safe.
Each day I get more signs that my calling is to leverage off my pain and healing, follow my calling (despite at age 44 having no uni qualifications, but a lifetime of reading and selfwork) to follow your lead and do this work, maybe start my own channel to spread the good work. You are been the single most influential and helpful resource to date and I want more than anything to help people the way you have helped and inspired me.
It took me a lifetime of experience, reading, and working on myself and, at 42, I now have one more year of uni before I have a psychology and neurobiology degree! I already have a Chemical Dependency certification, and am doing patient advocacy in mental health and addiction treatment systems! I love it! Personally, it’s something I’ve been through before. Therefore, I really understand that individuals have specific needs and treatment styles they respond to. I’m sure your reading and experience has left you with insight into something, or things, you are passionate about. I told my counselor, “If I go to university at 41, I’ll be 45 when I finish.” She asked, “How old will you be in 4 years, if you don’t go to school?” That is the wisest, most helpful advice I have ever received! It took me a year to get funds and get accepted, but I have a career now. Keep your resolve…you can do it! Whether you will need further education or not to fulfill your dreams, don’t let anything stop you. We do learn a tremendous amount by living. ❤
@@sciencenotstigma9534Amazing! Thanks for much for responding. I totally agree with you. Funnily enough your reply reads like I could have written it to someone is this situation... hahaha ENFP? 😆 After realising the 30 + hours a week I spend on my self education, is a workload similar to 2 uni papers a semester, I've decided to sit in ny knowledge and understand that instead of doing a BA in Pysch, with a bunch of mandatory papers, I've done in incredibly intense deep dive of specialist study into areas that mean, I most likely have a broader and more specific understanding of my special interest areas. Making me an SME whether or not I have a degree, plus lived experience. So I'm going to claim that and work with what I've got, which is an awful lot. I'm going to do the Gabor Mate Compassionate Enquiry self study course and build my skills selectively and strategically ❤️ All the best of your degree and your new career! Reach for the stars 🌟 then shake them a little 😄 and a little sprinkle star dust on the world 🌎 ✨️ 🎶 ♥️
I run into this with my friend sometimes. Thanks for helping me to make sense of my life. Keep on bridging the gap, sister!
I'm 33 and just learning about this. Raised by a somewhat authoritarian mother. Thank you Heidi, this and your other videos have been incredibly enlightening.
It drives me crazy, those people that say “I’m sick of being nice” and “if you’re upset that’s your problem, you are responsible for your own emtotions”.
My little brother does this!
I lent him my collection of art books while I lived overseas. He asked for them. When I returned he had left them out in the street to give away, just 2 weeks before my return! I was so annoyed and his response was “if you’re upset that’s your problem, you’re responsible for how you feel so I can’t help you”.
Then years later he visits me and loves my book collection and asks to borrow a bunch of books, I got triggered and just exploded at him over those books. I still haven’t let it go….
Fawn response is in the end is not being too nice, but being too scared of the other person.
Thank you Heidi - this has been long on my list and I have been learning to stay focused while fawning and interrupt that pattern. What I have learned is; that due to all the fawning, many people assumed (or were conditioned by me lol) that I am more of a listener. And when I am now voicing my opinions and so on, I realize that people interrupt me pretty often. Its still triggering to me, because of emotional neglect as a kid; I always feel the pain that my opinion doesnt matter. I still need to learn to be more assertive in those moments and at least say sth. along the lines of "hey..please let me finish my thoughts on that matter; I dont feel respected when you interrupt me all the time"
❤ I have learned you can’t fix potential and I stand on that
"Nice" is the wrong word. "Good" is more appropriate. There is a difference between being "nice" (i.e. fawning) and being a "Good" person who is assertive, strong, and still kind and empathetic and can work well with people to get what they want, or attain goals that are "wins" for everyone.
I agree with you, and also with Heidi’s concept of, “nice.” There’s nothing wrong with being nice (kind), as long as you know it doesn’t mean you have to please others all the time, rather than honoring your needs. ❤
Please can you do more of these social skill/self awareness videos there amazing and have helped me so much ❤️ ♥️ 💖 💜
I realize these days I fawn. This was a good video. I gotta be better about being in the middle ground and considering my wants and needs, as well as others. I still catch myself fawning too much, and it does show in resentments.
I’m watching this in 2024 because I recently discovered your channel. I had no idea that I was doing this, but I do it all the time. My mom used to do this and it drove me crazy. I can’t believe I’m doing it as well. I think your videos are brilliant. You totally hit the nail on the head about how we can ping-pong between fawning and then sometimes just expecting other people to meet our needs and not even thinking about how that impacts them. My friends often describe me as “too nice“, but I totally agree with you that there’s no such thing as too nice. Now it’s clear to me. And I have a bad habit of doing things for people and then turning resentful after I realize I didn’t really want to do it. It’s not their fault! Thank you for pointing that out to me. I really appreciate your videos and I also appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable with us. Thank you so much, Heidi! You’re a treasure.💕
I am first hearing about fawning from your video. And I do it so often that it's painful emotionally. I realized my people pleasing/codependent nature perhaps a year ago. But I just discovered your channel and am already picking up new insights to myself. I appreciate the steps you provided. I'm gonna try my best to ask myself how I would act if I were alone before responding. I especially have a knee jerk reaction to say sorry hopefully I can apply these themes to that tendency.
Practising staying in my own body and be open to feeling what I need and want and calmly, considerately express it, rather than abandoning myself in co-dependent over-care, uncertain whether my need/wish is reasonable or not, and wanting to be nice to ensure the continuation of the contact, by catering for their needs. I also tend to treat men as though they were (women) like myself: Very attentive to the other's need, especially if I he did sth for me.
Thanks for your perspective. I agree.
Ever since my wife of fourteen years left me one-and-a-half years ago, I've been discovering how our dynamic was unhealthy. However, I always considered my primary F-response to be fight and my secondary to be freeze. Yet, listening to your presentation was the first time I realised that, towards my wife, my most common F-response probably was fawning... Such a completely novel insight! 🤯
Another great video, Heidi. Definitely new to fawn response recovery.
My only contribution is that I think the word “nice” may be beyond redemption, and is too loaded with people-pleasing connotations to ever again be something to aspire to. “Kind” and “considerate” are the ones for me.
That's a great video. Thank you for sharing. Growing up in China, we were always told not to speak up and be fawning, I was always told to not say no to superiors, such as bosses, teachers, and elserlys. You have such beautiful eyes btw.
Well spoken. This is wisdom. Thank you.
Thanks for the clarification! I am a fawner, burned in me for surviving, and have trouble now that I am out of this situation. I couldn't quite pinpoint my problem tho for a while. Your video helped in giving me proper words and contextualising what I do more
People throw around the word narcissist so easily. They have absolutely no idea what a real narcissist is.
I live with a narc & had the worst kind of social phobia, i was always afraid of people, it became a struggle , my mental health suffered a lot, it was a good thing i came to know God coz it was really so hard to forgive.
i think this is my favorite video of all the videos i've ever watched on youtube.
Such great explanations in your videos with clear examples, compassion and practical tips. Thank you 😊
Wow, it’s shocking to learn that I’ve been fawning for 29 years. What a blessing this video is!! Awareness is the key to change 🙌
We are expected to put the other's needs before our own, usually the other won't take advantage over your kindness, & ordinarily the kind one will pull out from being used, for me going so slow now has been detrimental in many ways cause I'm not quick to recognize being used, & responding appropriately..
❤ Thank you.. Thank you!!! This brings me Some Sanity and Humanity to combining Freeze, Fawn, Enmeshment, Lack of Identity, Detachment (a step out of unbearable zombie land). This has Sooooo given me hope. ❤❤❤
I just found your channel and I think you’re awesome! Thank you for your content. ❤
"you are not getting along with someone - it's because they are narcissist" - Have a like just for this statement.
I feel like youtube is trying to make me believe everyone around me is narcissist. trying hard. for months. it is very annoying. and i tend to overconpensate thinking what if i'm narcissist and do all this to ppl. I don't like it.
It was a very nice video in general.
Being too nice is what we call dumb-kind. fake-nice in Swedish.I sometimes think: Am I being untruthful now, acting the way I would if I were balanced and regulated.
Heidi, the bigger female agreeableness lies not just in upbringing but innately in our feminine soul and bodies. It comes with having our inner room, and with not being as incarnated as men.
Loving these videos. Super helpful! You probably have ZERO control over this, but the Epoch Times is advertising on your videos, which is unfortunate.
Trying so hard to get to this place. I’ve been at both sides of the pendulum and there is so much advice out there that says it’s one way or another. That we need to be totally responsible for how someone else feels or not at all. Learning this stuff is so hard and of course the middle way is the best way. I hope this message gets put across and seen by the most amount of people possible because it seems to be a case at the moment that self-love equates to being selfish and putting you first at all costs which is not self-love at all!! Christ I don’t think relationships have ever been so difficult…
Heidi, I definitely fawn and people please…Another thing I commit to others without giving it a true answer. I still go back and forth counting the costs, worrying about having an episode. Boyfriend says Sue let your yes be yes or no be no. So my answer right away is NO
Your bf is a very wise dude. 😊 He sounds like a great guy for shedding light and helping you overcome trauma-based responses.
Thanks for this, I didn't know fawning existed and it's giving me a lot of clarity.
thanks that was really helpful. i tend to get really fiery setting my boundaries and then move through fawn and freeze after that. videos like this really have helped me a lot to learn more about my c-ptsd.
Another Rockin video, appreciate this video to grow and heal
Thank you for the clear delineation of these behaviors. 😃❤🙏✌
Thank you you've helped me lately watching many of your videos
I have gotten to the point where most of the time I don't even know what my wants and needs even are.😢 I have watched a few of your videos and have found them to be helpful and insightful! Just like limerence to you, fawning is a completely new concept to me. Could you make a longer video on the topic?
❤ only learnt the term a few days ago.
I started doing it as a baby. 4 older brothers, 3 of which abused me.
I see it in my dogs at home. Rolling on their backs, exposing their bellies.
Crazy !
As a fawner, I always exposed my vulnerability, hoping to not be hurt.
Bad idea.
I'm so glad I found this, I almost destroyed one of my closest friendships because I resented him over my fawning response, so now I finally have the language to understand what really happened.
I didn't know this was a thing, I stopped expressing my needs or wants because I was either ignored or were put down. It always made me feel lonely and rejected, so I just stopped. I just go with what others want or just say I can't because I'm busy.
Thank you for this. I worry that I'm too nice but I do have boundaries. I have to be careful about fawning though. My grandma is the same way and my dad calls it "love bombing".
I recommend the recent episode on Boundaries on the We can do hard things podcast.
I needed this. Thank you. 😢😊😆
I'm trying to bring the word nice back into style 😏
I like how you describe one side then the other and then give the middle which is the right choice. I am amazed how I chose the wrong choice each time :( I need to learn a lot more, thank you.
Yep I am condsiderate of self and others!! Am kind an aware and responsible for my actions and behaviors
Sometimes i think i just realized its good to have needs but sometimes i feel like I have the most rigid needs..
So true Heidi. 😊
You explain these concepts sooo well! I love your channel.
You're a gem! ✨
Personally I like Jerry Wise advice for people who chronically use the fawn response. First off these people already have a strong shame attached to being seen as selfish. He got the advice from a therapist to try being selfish for a week. Well that sounds like bad advice.
Not if you are so far on the sliding scale of fawn response from trauma that your misconception of being “nice” is to always give others what they want over your own needs.
Great explanation!, the differences..
You are doing an incredible job! Thank you so much!!
What I noticed especially as a male with one is the type of disgust I get in my relationships when it happens. Gender definitely plays a role in this. I do this response because I’m fearful of being the stubborn, inconsiderate, or aggressive guy who isn’t constructive in a relationship then I end up not communicating my own needs. Which inadvertently makes me seen as a doormat, men aren’t profiled to have that sort of humiliation so when it happens it’s feels so much worse because my trusted partners are now profiling me as spineless, I assume they are prepared for something more militant but even the look on their face almost like they see me as a homeless dog.
Yo I love your content. Very much appreciate these videos!
This is great! I didn't know that there were 4 Fs in dealing with conflicts and threats
i know i fawn but most people don,t know what fawning is so i call it ´to nice' . but now i know when i am nice or when i fawn . i fawn when i feel a bit scared of someone.
100% agree. Well done
"Amnesia about our wants and needs".
My thought? Im gonna make a folder named "heidi Priebe", because there has been so much useful advice !!
And to your questions at the end:
Im a big time fawner!
I disagree. We feel like we're being too nice because we're used to being surrounded by people who take advantage of it and do not reciprocate or appreciate our kindness. So the natural next step would be to figure that we must be being too nice. Other people aren't being nice enough. That sounds judgmental so saying "I'm being too nice" is a kinder way to express that to those around us. It can feel like nobody is taking our needs into account so how can they ask us to take theirs into account? Is what it feels like in the moment
As a genderqueer person I just want to add something to your note about women being socialized to fawn--i just want to emphasize the socialization aspect not only in the case of fawning, but in the case of gender as well. Anyone who grew up socialized as a young girl and possibly even socialized into their adulthood as women, I believe is more likely to exhibit a fawn response more and/or in more pronounced manners in activating situations. So this also encompasses trans men, nonbinary folks, people who don't like to label themselves, etc. And arguably because of the experience of marginalization in queer people's lives, let-alone genderqueer people (especially genderqueer people of the global majority--BIPOC, though I prefer the previous term--who are disabled and/or neurodivergent) genderqueer folks who are socialized as women growing up are arguably even more liable to struggle with fawn and freeze responses. There's this piece of going along with the majority because you know you're different and you have to hide yourself that is really destructive in young queer folks lives in general. I believe we're encouraged or left to default to a lot of self-abandonment in our choices and how we express ourselves, especially folks raised as girls. The way we're socialized can make it really emotionally unsafe to disagree or engage in conflict. Especially because all people raised as girls, our opinions are questioned more, our expertise is not as trusted in many professional settings. This in combination with hiding oneself because you feel so fundamentally different from others and have been taught that is wrong. I'm not a scientist nor have I studied psychology. I'm am English lit major and I just kind of specialize in stories, in digging for patterns and the way writers and artists vocalize their experiences in different modes and mediums. And as a queer person, watching the tendency of queer folks to hide and overwrite themselves and their experiences... is brutal and something I see/read/hear all too often.
Thank you!
Okay but when Im triggered, fawning is the only thing happening. Its as if my brain is in over-ride and Im stuck complying in a situation I wouldn’t agree to if I were anyone else. After the fact I kick myself for not saying what whats real for me. The disassociation is real and at the time Im so far away from who I am. I haaaaaate it so much and it happens a too much.
The biggest problem you have here is you are discussing the effects not the cause. The cause is expecting X for Y amount of nice. A person that is actually nice thinks about a future mutually beneficial potential, not a current transaction. My normal motivation is to be nice, not in hopes that the specific person is nice or helpful back, but they testify to others in a helpful way that generates opportunities that I'm not even aware of. I had someone that was about to shoot me in the face. A girl came running up to stop it. She said I was a great guy and the shooter was making a mistake. That girl had been my waitress several nights before (and had seen me treat others nicely as I frequented that specific restaurant). Now, if I had "been nice" just to get extra food or her phone number, etc at that moment, I'd probably have a nice tombstone. Having a want in return for being nice isn't the same thing as what you deserve for being nice. Be nice, people.
❤
What about when someone starts begging like a child and you're like "god damn it then have it your way"?
Is this fawning too?
What a brilliant ebducational video
This was so helpful!!!❤❤
But ugh, when a person has no idea what their own needs are no one else can know either. That is their personal work and can only be done be them. I see people who don’t have a clue as to their own essential needs adopting a power, control, manipulation dynamic with the world in which the simply try to “win” as much material goods, services, power over others as a substitute for figuring out and fulfilling their own CORE ESSENTIAL needs.
Another good video - Lots to digest there. Coming from a definite fawner!
Great video. I’d like to add, there are 5 “F Responses” - the fifth being “fornicate.”
Basically, the question the brain asks itself being - “Is this thing trying to fight me, eat me, or eff me?”
This is why sexual relationships are so prominent, during times such as war or disaster - and why people (it seems most often women) with C-PTSD have the potential to become hyper-sexual.
My past behavior made a lot of sense, once I learned this - especially being I am autistic and always been more asexual, prior to changing my diet and cutting out vegetable oils (BIG help, in easing trauma responses, also. Vegetable/seed oils are absolutely horrid for the brain).
Whenever I am having a trauma response - my sex-drive goes up, also. And unless something happened, which, wasn’t to my knowledge/prior to my being able to remember/blocked out - I haven’t experienced any early childhood sexual abuse, to trigger such a response, otherwise (though, with the secrets and lies my family keeps and has made - I wouldn’t be surprised).
And I would use fawning, as a way to gain that masculine attention, from men I would find exciting and want to have sex with - regardless of the red flags.
My red flags were always pink - and who doesn’t enjoy pink?
I wish I could remember the book I was reading, when introduced to the fifth “F” response - however, I lost it and my home in a wildfire, a few years ago.
I always keep my eye out for the cover, when looking at books, however. I’ll do my best to think to edit this comment and share the title, if such a day ever arrives I come across this mysterious brain book.
1:12 the cut people off culture.. I'm not the only one who notices this
AKA Cancel Culture? I agree…it’s not wrong to ask for help, when you need it. People don’t deserve rudeness for doing so.
Do you have any videos on how to reduce the amount that I interpret threat? You mentioned that fauning is a response to perceived threat, and a lot of the time this threat isn't really present. Can we help ourselves not to perceive situations as threats in the first place, and thus be more relaxed?
If you are sincere you are not too nice or fawning.
Thanks❣️
I'm just learning at 53 that I have done this my whole life. I want to discover who I really am and what my needs and wants actually are! I'm currently in a marriage with a partner who practices intermittant reinforcement with me and I never knew what that was either. Just looking for ways to connect with myself and discover my own self...do you hav any videos you would suggest for that? Thanks
I hate when people tell me im too nice or a good person ,
im not selfless i do good things, because it feels like the right thing to do and i get satisfaction from that , its also my way of controlling the situation to make sure it not a danger for the future of something
i hate t because im a NF choleric(beta quadra)468sx/so and have other sides to me and dont want to be on someone's pedestal thinking they can control me through the snap shot they have formed of me in their mind . im more concerned with where something is headed than being nice . good video
I loved this video and agree 100%
Great video!
Great talk, Thanks
Or adopt a human version of possum pose with an invisibility cloak....or so you hope.😂
Perfect
Should I just get a tattoo on my forehead that says Im married with a kid and one on the way for people to understand I need my own space and Im an adult woman who owns private property and has no interest in rehashing old relationships? You do realize that people still bother and harass women no matter what we do right? We're not fawning we're quiet because we're afraid of what unstable people might do.
Is fawning a specific form of people pleasing? Or are they different? Or is fawning a subset of people pleasing?
great video!!! 🧚♀️🧚♂️🧚
0:30 the world is brutal and people suck these days
Or are you Fani Willis? (Obscure joke)
logically, if one person prefers A but accepts any of A B C, whereas another person will only accept C, those who will accept least will become the common denominator in group choice situations. that is, to include all, we go with the choice of the least accepting person
Yes, and then we tell ourselves that yielding all the time is "being adaptable" or "flexible" and we frame it as a virtue.
What about people that get friend zoned for the same reasons???
Self-trust challenge Day13