Screw people who wish to stamp out people’s joy: no matter how they express it. Seeing someone who is experiencing genuine joy makes me happy. I don’t emote at all really, but truly enjoy watching others get excited about things. Their joy brings me joy (even if I don’t show it) so by all means; jump, clap, laugh, and please bring it to our attention. I wouldn’t want to miss a thing.
I feel soooo happy seeing her being excited to see the whales. I would do the same thing if I saw a whale. It would at least be the highlight of the month, if not year.
@@ZhovtoBlakytniy Me toooooo - it's hardly exciting. I mean, I get excitable about things most might find really odd, but honestly - this is relatable to the majority, I'd guess. -Mike
When me and younger sister (both suspecting autistic) Just spend ti e together without our parents, it feels so much easier to just be happy and let it out together. I remember one time when bowling and she got a spare and she was so expressive and happy, and it was so much better than when we were younger and hid our happiness
I ended up getting so good at masking I can almost get any outcome in 60-70% of social situations, almost every job interview is hired on the spot and I can basically pick and choose who I want to be friends with. The messed up part is, it’s not real and it’s hard on the conscious when I make a bunch of “connections” that are based in benefit to cost ratio instead of if I actually like that person.
Hey Shelton, I know what you mean. I do still get the, "I wonder if they like me for me, or they like my persona" from time to time. Generally, I only hang out with people that share my interests irl - and I'm reasonably well unmasked in those situations nowadays. -Mike
Are you a guy? I also got very good at masking. So good that no one believes I’m autistic, but I definitely run people, especially women, the wrong way. I am a woman and though I am good at generic masking I guess I never figured out how to mask as a proper girl/woman. So if a woman is the one hiring I’m probably not getting the job😂😂. Guys freaking love me though. Always telling me “I’m not like other girls”. And I’m like bro I’m a grown as woman and then we laugh.
@@DaughterofDiogenes yep I’m a dude, funnily enough I get along meh with about most guys people either absolutely despise me or absolutely love me. Ladies tend to like me but then again I’m very well built and fairly decent looking. People are very superficial I just tried to become what other humans want and it worked out.
"Who's Behind the mask?" That's a question I'm really profoundly struggling with at the age of 40 because I'm realizing the degree to which I've been masking 24/7 my entire life due to an extremely abusive living situation. I'm separated from that situation now (very recently, and in the most traumatic way possible) and trying to figure out who the hell I am. I've learned so much about myself in the last two months that I'm struggling to keep up with processing all the information, and grieving terribly for the life I SHOULD have had. I feel like I'm going through a second puberty. If anything, the swings in my emotion and the effects it's having on my body are even more profound. And it's so hard just trying to scrape all the shame off of everything in my life that's been covered in shame since I was a child, because there was nothing for me to feel ashamed about and the people who bullied and punished me were fundamentally wrong. That doesn't change the fact that the trauma responses they hammered into me were so strong that I'm TERRIFIED of letting the mask slip, while simultaneously knowing that my nervous system is devastated and that if I don't unmask and start accommodating for my own needs I'll be dead from a stroke in two years. I'm also consumed with a white-hot rage over the obscene way I've been treated my entire life by people who should have known better, and the degree to which bullying is simply an accepted norm in neurotypical society. I could never understand it, and I will never understand it.
40's still young, TJ. Hierarchies are so important in neurotypical society - it's just something that doesn't make a lot of sense to autistic people. And that's not a bad thing. I do wish it was easier to intuit, though. -Mike
Be gentle with yourself. It will take time to heal and get to know yourself. I am re-parenting myself, consciously empathizing with and comforting my inner child that feels so overwhelmed and helpless. Now that I know I am AuDHD, and I am in a safe place, I’m needing to rest a lot. Your immune system is lowered after being under prolonged stress, so that’s another reason it is important to prioritize your self care as you emerge into your new life. ❤ We survived!
When I was young, maybe 5 years old, I chose to always be honest with myself about my emotions, even if i had to delay showing the emotions in question. I grew up with maybe 1 or 2 friends, and hundreds of bullies. But I was always the person people who were neutral towards me would go to if they had a problem that made them feel something. I was basically the only one in my town who knew how to deal with my own emotions who wasn't a guidance counselor. I'd be the one to give people advice on how to keep going after something bad happened, to calm people down when they're scared or anxious, to cheer people up when they're sad. I became the scapegoat, the counselor, the sounding board, for everyone around me, without getting any of that help back. Maybe neurotypical people are masking too, they just had their mask superglued to them so long they forgot that it wasn't some fantasy that people can be authentic.
Hi, Desirée, thank you for your comment and sharing your experiences. That's really interesting - despite the negative pressures, people see you as someone who has strong listening skills and doesn't judge. That said, it's such a shame that you didn't get that energy returned back to you. I can relate to that. People tell me things, too. Perhaps TMI. I don't judge. That seems to be a trait of our condition. I wonder... You're right that NT people mask too, it's just, that they don't have to mask their autistic traits.
@@une.ezequiel at least you're getting paid for it now. I decided to go into anthropology with mine, heading towards health behaviors and beliefs, going to try to prevent the problems that lead to children being talked at about things they had no hand in, and make people aware that this (and similar things) happen to a lot of neurodivergent people so that they can at least have a choice in solving people's problems.
@@BlazeNStarFor a brief while, yes, but not anymore (got burned out from another job and general AuDHD stuff). Sounds good that you''re gonna use your experience to help NDs!
This is absolutely true. I’ve also found that they then have almost a sharing whiplash or hangover that occurs after they e dumped on me which causes them to never speak to me again. I used to be so confused about what was happening but then realized (ie had a therapist explain it to me) that the things folks were confessing (abuse, doubts, fears) were things these people didn’t actually want to deal with and they felt ashamed or embarrassed to be around me with the info I had about them. I get it but I don’t share secrets and never have told any of the stuff I’ve been told. Now I just won’t let anyone talk to me about stuff. Yes I’ve lost all friends as a result and my marriage is failing but I can’t keep absorbing everyone’s negative energy when no one will even listen to me get through one sentence without rolling their eyes.
"Who's behind the mask?" I had to stop and come back after what you said about avoiding talking about special interests. It really got to me. I've done it because I know I talk too much about it and other people aren't interested in what I'm talking about, but it feels like trying to suppress a cough. Also someone else making fun of a special interest was so hurtful.
Autistic joy is one of the absolute best things on earth. Hold it close and never let it go. I had mine for so long but the last 10 years has taken such a tole. I used to be the buzzing bubbly larger than life audhder and now I’m the flat affect, slightly sad/angry looking autistic who suffers from selective mutism. I ordered the unmasking book and am working to get back to my old self. I k ow exactly who caused this and how it happened at least so I’m taking steps to shield myself and grow again.
“Who’s Behind the Mask?” Currently self-diagnosed autistic at 46-years-old, after decades of mental illness and personality disorder misdiagnoses. Definitely have anxiety and PTSD, which I believe is simply from living as an undiagnosed autistic woman my entire life. I also found out I have ADHD a few years ago. Anyhoo, sorry about the bio, but damnit, man; this has been a wild ride so far. But I guess that’s life. I’m very thankful I found your channel, and have been quite impressed with your prodigious upload ability! Hope you and all of the Autista-cats are happy and well, and I send well wishes from Mississippi, USA. 🤩❤😽🐈🐈⬛😸
Hello! Aww I’m sorry to hear that. You know, so many unidentified/unrecognised autistic people have similar trauma. We are a lost generation with reference to being diagnosed/identified. Thank you! I’m glad you’re here, welcome! 🤗 The cats are relaxing indoors despite the tornado(!!!) not too distant from here! -Mike
Absolutely! I'm very burnt out at the moment, I have little threshold for social situations, it sucks. It's like having to consciously make 100 different calculations at the same time and it's so exhausting. At least I know about autism now and not to go so hard at life to the point of loss of functionality 😅 I'm only ever at the back of the slingshot, the ADHD will propell me somewhere when my body is ready. It doesn't even matter, like you say they're just other people. The trick is finding and keeping quality relationships with neurotype buddies 👌 With all my best mates we mutually don't text for months at a time, and then get back to business as usual when we do, which involves taking turns monologuing at each other for like 10 minutes at a time about stuff we're excited about. There's nothing more soothing than performing your natural behaviours!
Hi Anne, Yes! Haha performing natural behaviours makes us sound like the subject of an Attenborough documentary! 😅 - but I’m on board 😂. Sorry you’re in burnout. Take all the time you need for yourself. -Mike
I amtill so angry about what happened to Chloe Hayden, I absolutely adored her energy in her videos and as an auDHDer I loved her book as did my autistic daughter. Also loved Dr Devon Price's book that you refer to here too. I am in the process of unmasking as since the pandemic have found it harder and harder to mask. Still finding the people I mask the most with is my parents and siblings, a very hard thing not to but it takes a huge toll.
"Who's behind the mask?" Still trying to figure that one out... Love your channel by the way. You deserve a lot more subscribers. Thank you for your videos.
**NEW TIME for TEA & TAILS LIVESTREAM: SUNDAY 28th JAN at 7:00pm/19:00 GMT (UK/London).** Sorry for changing - have an unexpected family event to attend on Saturday. Grrr! (None of them know about my RUclips channel lol). On the plus side, it's 24 extra hours to comment your competition entry to win a copy of Unmasking Autism :)
I just found your channel today and I am also an adult/late diagnosed Autistic person. I have been going down the masking rabbit hole because I have a little trouble keeping jobs because I can't tolerate unethical behavior and ignoring major issues and/or I burnout from massive overachieving. I am starting a new job and ny therapist (who is not trained in ASD) told me that I needed to NOT be myself and that I needed to practice a sort of character that would make me more palatable to the people I meet. I told him I was aware of masking and it is too exhausting. His response was "I don't see why it would be that tiring, it is just here and there when you are interacting with people." A day later, because it takes me a long time to feel my emotional responses, I was really upset and panicked because the idea of masking 40 hours a week again sounds insurmountable and exhausting and now I know is likely part of my part suicide attempts. Plus from the research I have found it isn't particularly successful when we do it, people still find us off-putting for lack of a better term. My husband said that I should just be my intelligent kind oddball self so other oddballs can feel safe around ME and I think I am going to do that but boy that suggestion sent me into a spiral. Thank you for your videos!
I am deaf, as well as AuDHD (adult diagnosis). When I was young I took speech therapy. I recall talking to the teacher that was encouraging me to make eye contact and telling her it made me really uncomfortable. She understood and we pivoted to forehead or lips and she stopped pushing eye contact.
Thanks for sharing that story, Lorenz! That’s so positive! I hope you’ve been able to maintain that level of self advocacy! That’s so good to hear! -Mike
In my 58 years, I have used nearly all of these masking strategies to fit in and be socially accepted. What a relief to finally be asked, "Who's behind the mask?" Your videos help me feel real. Thank you!
I'm really happy my videos are helping, Ellen! I think it's an important thing to reflect on. Especially for us late identified autistics/AuDHD'ers - our masked patterns conceal our real selves. -Mike
I’m autistic and I’m the opposite of expressing big feelings, not showing much at all. I’ve always found it so strange to show big emotions in public. It seems so over exaggerated to my rigid self.
I am 37 and, never realised until this last week that i was masking my emotions. I'm in psychotherapy to work through lots of trauma from my past and was on SSRIs and coming off the meds made me realise i was on them to hide how excitedly happy or devastatingly sad i get at what (i now know are NTs) other "normal" people think I shouldn't be reacting to. I, in short, have been bullied for being happy (and sad about sad things) too! Just like the actress you included here! Thank you for talking about masking emotions and helping me confirm what I am already realising! ❤
Hi Klarissa, I'm happy for you that you've realised this. There's a lot to process as an adult, previously unaware of how we were operating! Take care. -Mike
I grew up masking a lot. I just recently started unmasking (about 1 year) and it has been a long journey. Just realising how much I was masking was hard and then going through the months figuring out who I was and what just was the mask was hard, especially while dealing with depression and a lot of other things happening in life. It has been a long journey but I am at the best point I've ever been with my mental health and while I still have to mask in sertain situations I've learned how to properly turn it of. For the people starting to unmask, especially if you have other issues alongside it, it will be hard but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and one day you will notice that you feel good more days than not
"Who's behind the mask?" I have recently come to believe I am undiagnosed, and this is a question I am just starting to grapple with. I have always felt like an empty person just reflecting who ever I am around. I never realised how much I am masking, my journey from here is going to be a tough one of discovery, but now at least I feel like I have a path to tread upon.
10:57 - 11:12 YES! Exactly. The ability to experience great joy and/or great sensory pleasure is such a blessing (music, beautiful prose and verse, perfectly-for-me spiced food, the smell of a pine forest in high summer, interacting with water, fine sand, or snow, etc.). People who make fun or disapprove of big emotions are small souls, alike the grey men in Michael Ende's book Momo. If they weren't outright bullies or followers of bullies so often, I would feel sorry for them.
"Who's behind the mask?" Shame is my constant companion. It was really describing my experience perfectly. When I'm around other people (which basically just means my mother and siblings, since I never leave the house or have any friends) it feels like I disappear. All my opinions and emotions are gone, except for the more socially acceptable, watered-down ones. And I just laugh and am really awkward until I shut down and am no longer able to make eye contact or speak, even around my own family. Behind the mask, I'm still struggling to figure out. Had an abusive dad as a child, failed out of middle school because I couldn't attend class, and grew up in a fundamentalist religion that gave me severe moral scrupulosity OCD. I'm just lucky that I got diagnosed last year and can work on healing now. Can't wait to see who I actually am behind the mask. So glad this video got recommended. Hi and thank you from a new subscriber!
What you said about the excitement of seeing animals really connects with me. I get really excited to see nature and always tell everyone else around me they have to stop what they're doing and come see what I see. They never seem that enthused, but they do placate me and take a look. I didn't realize until now that this intrigue and excitement is one of my traits. PS I then spend hours and multiple nights researching that animal.
🎭 Insightful topic discussion. I especially liked the alternative strategy suggestions at the end of the video. Using humour is one of my masking mechanisms. It can be both helpful & not helpful, depending on the situation. Enjoyed your livestream immensely, looking forward to seeing everyone again. 😊 "Who's Behind The Mask?"
Hey Amelia, thank you so much for your kind comments. We'll hit up more suggestions and more topics from Dr Devon Price's book on the next Saturday livestream. There will be at least one (probably more!) livestreams before then. Hope you can make them. It was a pleasure to have your company on the last livestream! Yeah, I know the using humour thing - it cuts both ways sometimes! Ooops! -Mike :)
"Who's behind the mask?" i just recently hit the worst Autistic burnout and skill regression i've ever experienced, at 19. i feel lucky that i've been able to realize my neurodiversity at such a young age, but losing my mask, along with basic functioning skills, is terrifying. i've had chronic dissociation issues, ruined relationships, and completely lost connection with who i am until recently because of masking. masking ruined me. i was so scared when i first started trying to figure out how to "wake up" as i called it (be present, stop dissociating, become my true self etc.), because as hard as i looked all i could find was imitations, adoptions, or hollow empty spaces where beliefs or personality traits must have once existed. i genuinely felt as if i had no self. that nothing was inside me that wasn't taken from outside. it feels like you will never be a self again, but i promise you can. i thought i was gone forever and there was nothing left to become, but i am unmasking, i am learning, i am remembering and i am developing. i'm doing everything i was supposed to do as a child that i didn't because i replaced development with repression and fawning. don't get me wrong, discovering that i have support needs, discovering i might be disabled, discovering i am incapable of things i simply am not allowed to be incapable of is its own terror. but with this new stress i still feel grateful to know myself more than i have in a long time, and taking care of my Autistic self the way i always needed, the best i can anyway, is a blessing and a privelege as well. thank you for talking about masking. i know it's a privelege, but it destoryed my health. it ruined so much of my life, and my development, and it lead to me nearly doing something you can't take back. this privelege is only good as it keeps you safe, and i'm lucky i get to unmask at all. i hope one day everyone is safe to unmask and no one has to lose themselves and harm their mental and physical health to fit in anymore. i hope one day Autistic people can just be themselves.
“Who’s behind the mask?” Thanks for another excellent video. I had to pause and write down your summary of why socializing can be so utterly draining. We are paying attention to so many things at once, and it becomes overwhelming almost immediately.
Thank you, Julie. Thanks for watching, and for your feedback. Yes, that's the best way I have to explain why it's so draining. There are other reasons too, but this one fits best! It's nice and concise! -Mike
@@Autistic_AF I became aware of that I had stopped masking at home and with my closest (fellow neurodivergent) friends during the Covid lockdowns. And now it is almost like I have lost most of my masking ability, and I don't really miss it. Being retired is such a privilege! I still have a mask/role for seeing a doctor/nurse/etc. and another for in-person interactions at the mall, but I do almost all of my shopping online now and we still order most of our food as home or curbside delivery. As a result, some 75-95% of the time I only meet people I have chosen to meet when I have chosen to meet them. I am so much more relaxed now, and there is a chance that my life-long high stress levels are finally coming down. The damage from stress to my body won't all go back, but at least there's a chance that I will not be getting sicker anymore.
When I open presents for my birthday and Christmas, I have to smile so they will know I like the gift. I do like the gift and am great full even if I don’t show any emotions. People tell me to smile because I should be happy. Their intentions were good but doing something that isn’t natural or making it a habit to smile and be told to interact with people without knowing if i really want to is not good. I’m suppose to figure out if I want to fit in or not. I know i don’t want to fit with social norms just because I have to and care what people think of me.
Yes! I am always grateful but sometimes I don't necessarily act it. Like, those micro-expressions, they're tricky to get right. Man, I wish we all had a little bit of Anthony Hopkins' magic!
I am a female, but I never got big into masking at the expense of being "the obsessed weirdo" for my intense interests, even amongst boys when I was a kid. One thing I know I did eventually try to hide was when I was happy "now it's time to pretend to be uninterested!". That was as a teen.
"Who's behind the mask?"🎭 Great video! I was sad to hear about Chloé's experience, I found out through your latest live stream. I had very recently read her lovely book "Different, not less" that made a really positive impact on me, that together with my own personal experiences of having the joy bullied out of me made it feel extra ... it's like a feeling I would like to have a dedicated word for: I would describe it as a mix of deep sadness; sorrow, frustration, anger, vengefulness but also shame because it's the feeling inculcated by others and it's really complicated when that gets tied to joyfulness. The unjustness it points toward. I guess a decisiveness to not tolerate it any further could be generated from that!
I knoowwww 😢 😢 😢 people online can be so horrid sometimes. Especially on sites like TikTok. It’s like the worst parts of high schools all concentrated there. Poor Chloe. And, it doesn’t really matter what the content of her video is but she really doesn’t deserve that. I will add her book to the Tea & Tails bookclub! Thank you. I’m glad it was positive for you! -Mike 🤗
"Who's Behind the Mask". Hi Mike, hi Phoenix. I hope you stay snuggled and warm by the fire, Phoenix you beautiful chicken 🐔 I was so pleased to see your use of Chloe Haydn's clips and you championing her in your video. What happened to her was so cruel. You are absolutely right. Seeing whales is such a profound experience. I don’t know how anyone could experience it without feeling the euphoria throughout their whole body. I once went on a whale watching tour by boat. Unfortunately, jumping for joy wasn't safe. I literally couldn't rock the boat 😂 ,but my hands and toes were wriggling with joy and there were seriously awesome tingles going up and down my spine. Its one of my go to "happy places" in my mind when I need one. 🐳💙💙💙💙
The thing about hiding big emotions is a major battle for me right now, I’m really glad you covered it. One of my siblings growing up brutally squashed any expression of joy I had, even subtle ones, even if I was trying to hide it. They just seemed to hate me and took every opportunity to bully me no matter what I was doing. Now I’m trying to dig my way out of lifelong depression, and coming up against this deep fear of even *feeling* joy. I have a short list of things I could change that would quickly get my head above water and on my way to a better life, but that fear is all-consuming, so I stay stuck in self-defeating coping mechanisms. I think that would have happened whether I was autistic or not, or perhaps this person just got the ick being around me because they could tell I was different and awkward, like in that study you talked about in another video. I don’t know how to regain the ability to feel happiness again, but videos like this at least tell me I’m not alone, and that others have made it to the other side. Many thanks for what you do. ❤
Thinking back of school is cringe. Kids are brutal. Already have the book so I’m gonna pass on the raffle to give others more chance to win (although I wouldn’t mind a signed-by-Hydra-and-the-wobbly-chicken copy 😂) Definitely gonna try some of the tips you shared. Impressed by all the research papers you manage to find & read & include, good work Mike!
Hi Janneke, your comments always make me smile. Hydra and wobbly-chicken signed copies are priceless, just in case you changed your mind and wanted to be in the draw lol. There will be plenty more 'things' in the future haha! I promise :D Kids are brutal yep. And I wonder now, with the TikTok generation(s) that it feels like the worst personalities from around the planet are there, ready to be horrid. This particular Chloe Hayden clip really resonates with me. I mean, that's a happy dance if ever I saw one, and even neurotypicals happy dance from time to time! Appreciate that, Janneke. I'm planning to organise much of the research, eventually! -Mike
"Who's behind the mask? It's me! Maria! I mean Rose! I really want to read that book, I've been through extreme burnout and skills regression and I feel like my masks were broken during my last burnout and I just don't have access to them anymore. I'm on the waiting list for it at my library but I'm not a very patient person!
Thank you for this. I am learning more about masking and realizing that I've done this all my life. The more I read and watch, the more I believe I AM autistic.
Copying class mates didn't work out for me either, I just got the whole class in trouble. Devon Price's book is great. My physiologist recommended a different book, and Unmasking Autism just happened to be sitting next to it at the book shop so I bought both. My copy is now dogeared, full of underlining and my own notes, which I often go back to. Devon wrote one paragraph I was so excited to read, that I circled the whole thing, because thats exactly how I felt. I wont write the whole paragraph here, but Devon says because Autistic minds are about understanding the details, and analyzing complex systems it makes sense to think of our lives as fractal, forever expanding into new subjects and narrowing into precise focus at the same time. Then Devon continues with a very amusing comparison of two Video Game characters. He ends the paragraph with "we build worlds". This is in Chapter 6 Building an Autistic Life, under the sub heading Reimagine Success and Time, page 178 in my paper back copy.
"Who's behind the mask?" This was so good, as usual, Mike. As you were going through all the ways we mask and the social pressures that make it feel necessary, I was noticing how so many of these overlap with the ways I've been impacted by toxic masculinity. Many of the autistic behaviors and interests I have are "uncool" in the same ways that they're not considered "manly". It makes me think that I may have realized my own autism much earlier if I hadn't also been doing my best to "act like a man". Keep the content coming! I'm looking forward to making it for Tea & Tails this time. Unmasking Autism was the book that made me realize I might be autistic. Cheers!
Hey Jason 👋 ! Thank you for your kind words - as always. You’re too generous, I feel! It’s funny you mention toxic masculinity. I argued bitterly that I wasn’t affected in a private discussion with an autist about a year ago. I lost that debate squarely, after entering with a position that toxic masculinity was just a gen z concept. I admit, freely that I was wrong. There might be a video there…! The societal pressures are numerous and we don’t even realise it much of the time. NTs too, also victims of that culture. Interesting. Yes it’s a damn good book. It’s one of the best books - most on this subject tend to be long biographies. Nothing wrong with that per-se but…. I’m not a fan of waffle! (Despite being ‘waffler’ myself sometimes!). Glad you’re here. -Mike
Who's behind the mask? I've only recently discovered your channel and am happy to add it to my arsenal of autistic support videos. I only discovered I'm autistic about a year and a half ago, after over five decades of masking, assimilating, and camouflaging.
"Who's behind the mask?" Had to type that a couple of times, the perfectionist fighting with the Dyslexic. Just come apon your channel recently, and it's going in to my rota to watch more
Thanks, Steve. I appreciate you being here - it's okay to mis-spell words. Autocucumber is a fantastic technology! And thank you for your support, and for being here. -Mike
While I do not have Autism, I have ADHD. I do mask, and it’s exhausting. It’s almost like I have a different personality for every new group I meet. (Besides close family and friends) I’m trying to figure out who I really am, because I’ve spent my entire life copying what other people do.
Yes! I've done this so much in my life, and every time I did it I knew I was playing make-believe in a way that nobody around me understood and which I didn't even fully understand and that any attempt to explain it would be impossible, probably even incoherent and unintelligible. Like getting invited to join the family at a pro hockey game because "it'll be fun!" The invitation is 100% well-meaning and it seems boorish to object--after all, what good REASON do you have?--and it's always in the name of "creating memories together." So you go along to be a good sport (no pun intended). You don't genuinely enjoy it, of course--in fact, it's all rather too much to deal with. And the funny, quirky, counter-intuitive thing you do is to over-act some responses just to indicate you're "into it," when of course you're really not, so it turns into a bit of ham acting. Which can only ratchet up your Weirdness Quotient in others' eyes. The instances of this in my life now stand out to me, since my ASD discovery last spring, with crystal clarity. I now understand EXACTLY what was happening there, and WHY I couldn't intelligibly formulate, to myself or anybody else, how this was really a useless effort on my part to be something I wasn't. I can pinpoint other experiences in my life where , to be charitable, well-meaning (okay, perhaps a bit controlling) people urged and egged me on (only for my good, my mind you) to shake myself out of myself and get into what everybody else (read "normal people") liked, to "relax and have a good time!" Of course, they weren't intelligently concerned with what really meant "a good time" for me; rather, the catalyst, the irritant, spurring their "concern" was their distinct discomfort at my not aligning with their existential paradigm. The things people want you to do, to assure themselves that they've forced you to have a good time the way they understand it, are uniformly trivial and meaningless (I mean, how many activities and events in life are world-changing?). Who CARES and what does it MATTER in the vast scale of things whether I go to a hockey game or join the guys in the field for a game of football or join a circle of colleagues for a "trust" game? All of this is vapid, fleeting meaninglessness that even they are going to forget about the moment it's over, so it's not really about that. It's about establishing the boundaries of normality that maintain their sense of security and self-understanding. But again to be more charitable about it, it's also about their intrinsic incapacity to conceive another mode of psycho-affective cognition and self-"location" vis-à-vis the rest of the world. I.e., being neurotypical they have no good reason to suspect that their efforts to drag you into "what everybody likes' are just like trying to make oil and water mix. Which is why it's so screamingly vital for an autistic person to DISCOVER his/her status. Because the rest of the world will NEVER do your self-advocating for you. It's a non-starter. YOU need to know, so that you can operate on that reality with confidence, no more apologies for it or self-corrosive masking it. You can decline or drop out of what you really need to, for your absolutely good reasons, and nobody else's opinion, ESPECIALLY of those who have no grasp of your ASD, matters. There are things in life we must interact, collaborate, compromise with others on. Sure. That's called being a responsible human being. But there is also a whole raft of things we don't need ANYBODY'S permission on and are ABSOLUTELY entitled to say "No thank you" to, full stop. That's called being a full-fledged, happy and whole human being.
I got the really, really, super-late diagnosis in late 2017 when I was 53. It truly feels like a life wasted. In looking back, "be yourself" was probably THE worst advice I'd ever gotten, right along the idea of "being honest." I don't know that any of this will help me socially. My guess is that it most definitely will not help me survive in, or even get into, a work environment. The problem is I'm at the point where my knowledge, experience, and skills do not matter, as none of it can over-ride my crime of "being old." There is no path out, no path to safety. It feels gross, and most nights I hope that I won't wake up the next day. Sorry to be a bummer, but that's what's going on here.
“Who’s behind the mask” Self diagnosed 44 year old man. Been watching RUclips channels about autism for awhile. Until one day I watch a video from“Autism from the inside” RUclips channel about autistic traits. From a list of 63 traits I got around 60 and the other ones I wasn’t sure. After that, autism explained why I felt so different all my life. Since my early 20’s I started to spend more time alone. One starts to learn to unmask when you are by yourself and feel happier. I think is better to be alone until one finds someone worth it to be with.
Thanks! I just found your channel. I really liked your video. I will be watching more. Very informative. I identify with everything you said. Wish you the best!👍
I got a real issue with that. To the point where I don't fkn know "who's behind the mask" anymore because I mask even to myself without realizing. Sometimes I'm happy with my performance (rare but happens like last time I went to a bar with colleagues), but it just drains the f*ck outta my battery and it's depressing asf! I know it's possible to solve that issue and a realistic objective, and I'm ready to spend the necessary time and effort, I just don't know where to start and what to do!
I can feel the frustration from your scenario - I've been there before and will countless more times in the future, too. So, in return, can you think about what a recharging situation that involves other people looks like? Perhaps everyone info-dumping about their passionate subjects? Or making something together? Or sitting quietly, listening to music, perhaps? Autistic people in groups have a great vibe. Will talk more about this on Saturday's live. It's recorded in case you miss it. -Mike
@@Autistic_AFfor the most part situations like that could be recharging if my brain wasn't so f*cked up. If I could act on autopilot and not think at all, or think significantly faster (but I also have ADHD, so...) I have a few friends I like to either game with, do computer hardware related stuff with, or just generally hang out (and I'm so open to trying new things I think it can be both very fun and enlightening). Other than that my only hope of a way out is through "life mental coaching" or whatever you call it.
Wow!! Love this dialogue, or at least, I perceive it as one. So fully engaged, I react with a constant smile. Not officially diagnosed but am definitely not accepted by neurotypicals and it took me MBTI, Jungian psychology dissection of self and others for 20 years, to reach a semblance of understanding and mimicking what neurotypical as do. Also, always wondered why I tend to associate with neuro divergent people. Love, love the term “neuro typical social credit score” I’ve come to understand I’ve been amassing this sort of credit in a large corporation for over 10 years, until the mask completely fell off and I crashed and burned. And left :) Wow! Love your channel!! Subscribed.
Hi Asathora! Neurotypical Credit Score, yep! And I can relate to the crashing and burning and leaving for sure. I'm glad you love the Autistic AF channel :-) haha. Take care, Mike :)
Shalom and namaste Masking creates a disconnect within ourselves...wow,,,,this may be part of the reason I don't (feel) connection so quickly with people..and why some ask: who are you?..ouch One of the others here mentioned that masking is a survival strategy...that helps explain the stress,anxiety,and exhaustion I experience before, during, and after group events..and even with some individuals. Thank you
Shalom Aleichem, Paal. Yep, there can be other reasons for that stress/anxiety, but imo - autistic masking - is the biggest, best explanation for this. -Mike
As someone who is "high masking", I thought I was immune to the struggles that autism present until 2020, where the pandemic led me into burnout. I had been going so hard for so long, Academically, socially, physically, mentally and when the world slowed down, my life spun out of control. I was no longer riding the momentum of a busy world and drowning out my internal feelings anymore. I was left with just ME and I discovered that I was tired, overwhelmed, sick, and just totally spent. I could barely eat, bathe, get up to pee. As a person who rarely ever shows anymore REAL , non-masked emotion, I was bawling my eyes out and hitting myself in a closet everyday...alone. I then moved to weed and alcohol and other forms of self harm to try and "chill out". That caused more damage. I now make accommodations for myself and realized my life is greatly improved by them. Noise canceling headphones and bluelight glasses have fixed my daily headaches. Cutting all tags from all clothing, telling my friends when my social battery dies and leaving or telling them I want to be alone for a few weeks or a month to recharge from something but that I'm free to call or text them. Making lists, finding my safe foods, and not eating things that don't make me feel great. I learned so much. High needs or low needs, ASD is ASD and we all struggle sometimes
"Who's behind the mask?" Hi, new subscriber here, love this video-thank you! - Heading over to your "Don't stop masking" next. I made it to age 55 last year before being clued in that I just might be ND. Began the research, and almost instantly recognized myself in the Autistic community, especially among the amazing creators here on TY, like yourself. (Got a "professional" diagnosis a few months ago to make it official, for the sake of any available benefits.) WOW! Was I surprised. I just always thought I was inept, weird, and unintentionally difficult. Y'all get it... So now in the process of untangling just who TF I am! What's the difference between MY typical and NT? What parts of me are a mask, and when am I actually being my authentic self, letting my autism show? How much do I care if others criticize or shame me for showing It? Everything is being seen through new, sharper lenses, although strangely, everything seems really blurry right now. Pretty sure re-viewing the first part of my life is gonna take the rest of my life.
Im so glad I found your channel. Im a late diagnosis AuDHDer, and its been a long lonely, self loathing life. Your channel is awesome and makes me feel validated. Thank you 🙏
Still trying to find out who I am under the mask, at the moment I'm the undiagnosed mum of 3 neurodivergent kiddos and my hubby who is my best friend. Great video as always.😊
I’ve been trying to ditch my patient care/clinical career for a decade but not until the last 2 year or so have I truly felt like I’m going to crack soon if I don’t get out. I cannot keep faking every day of my life, while still getting arbitrary criticism because *everyone* expects their individualized expectations to be met, then spending 90% of my personal time staring at a wall ruminating and unable to do anything I want to do because of burnout. I feel like an abused marionette. But I started job seeking (career change) when I was 41. Now I’m 52. Ageism is rampant in job seeking. Nobody will even interview me even though I’m more than qualified, directly or through obvious or easy to extrapolate transferable skills, to do the jobs. At the point now where I don’t know what I’m going to do when this contract is up. I CANNOT keep doing this, but the (available/offered) alternatives are poverty wage demeaning jobs I would never want to do. 😢
Virtual hug (if you like hugs!) - healthcare workers get such a poor working environment, expected to do much more with less time. I wish it were different.
@@Autistic_AF Thank you. I’ll take it! You’re absolutely right. Part of the stress is being in a clinical field where our pay is nowhere NEAR commensurate to our student loans, or the volume and quality of manual labor we have to do all day. If it were even vaguely equitable, it would take a load of stress off and might even make enduring it more worthwhile. But that won’t happen. And when did patients develop the idea that we work in a hospitality or customer service job, rather than a white collar professional job of expertise? The only way to make more money, is to see more people, and the only way to see more people is to cut down on the time (and therefore quality and quantity) of treatments we’ve determined work best. It’s insane. Plus…. there’s all the people. 😜
Hello, I have been masking all my life. I have been bullyied all my life and also today it goes on. The neighbours are the worst. They shout tot me: idiot and worse words. Also in my house has been 20 burglaries in last yrs.!!! Now I installed alarm with camera's, finally safe!!! It is so sad that NTs never stop bullying. They go on until I die I am sure. Really: I live boring and a good life and I am not noisy. So those pathetic people are so mean. Don't they have their own life.? My neighbours are obsessed with me like 20 years. And there is nothing super interesting with me. I am normale but I am an aspie. So what!!! Let everybody live!!! Thank you for a great video!!
Thanks for this video. I is so validating. I don't know how to meet people. My family is not understanding or respectful of me at all, and my best friend of 15 years from college has decided that it's too hard to be my friend (she told me that in those exact words). I'm not working (after a mental breakdown at work years ago that landed me with a diagnosis of major depression and anxiety panic disorder). I was also diagnosed with autism 3 years ago. I go to therapy and other appointments, but otherwise I don't get out much. Most social interactions are very stressful for me that make me shut down for days, sometimes weeks. I don't know how to meet people or make friends that are understanding.
"Who's behind the mask?" I'd really like to know. This video made me go "... Oh." and the tips you read off are all things I panic at the thought of doing.. but have always wanted to do! So much to learn and work on. Also I wanted to say.. I like your voice and the way you articulate. It's.. idk.. calming? I like it in the same way I do Neil Gaiman's.. I love to listen to him talk/narrate and I feel the same here.. it actually holds my attention and calms me!
Hey Bobbie, oh! Haha, thank you. It helps to have a neurodiverse support group, or a friend. I find that helpful myself sometimes. You don't need to do all these things immediately, they're just (good) suggestions from Dr Devon Price! There are more, I'll go through the suggested list on Saturday. Thank you for complimenting me - I'm struggling to accept compliments, but I'm glad you've found my presentation helpful. Take whatever you can from it! Thanks, Bobbie and for being here. -Mike
@Autistic_AF thank you~ I look forward to it. I completely understand on the compliment thing. I struggle with that too. I work full time on the phone (somehow... I hate talking on the phone lol) and my most awkward pauses are when people compliment me.. I never know how to respond.. but I also struggle giving the compliments I want to give people so I pushed myself here. Wanted to give my honest thoughts~
I would be very interested in hearing you address something I've heard nobody else even verbalize or examine. I've dubbed it the I'm With Him Syndrome. It's just one of the things that have leaped out of the murky fog into high resolution. After my own ASD discovery last April, the "movie reel" of my life has been replaying on my mind's screen through a radically new lens, isolating, highlighting and clarifying experiences I never had a word, a defining principle, for before. The Aha!'s have just cascaded incessantly and, yes, wonderfully. "So THAT'S what was happening there!" Paradoxically, all these Aha!'s have had the effect of letting myself off the hook when it comes to feelings of guilt, stupidity, interpersonal cluelessness, inappropriate blunders, etc., AND they have also let other people off the hook in my memories and feelings, too. I didn't know, and THEY didn't know. Sure, some people could have tried better with me, but I can't help feeling magnanimous toward their ignorance, since I was just as ignorant of what was really "wrong" with me. And that it wasn't really so "wrong," just seriously different. Anyway, one of the things that has come into sharp focus for me is this "I'm With Him Syndrome." What I mean by that is, I recognized a series of intense friendships along the path of my life (the "best friend ever and forever" kind of intensity) had a LOT , not all but a LOT, to do with the sense of safety these friendships provided me socially. I might not know why else I was in a particular social setting or how else to cope with the mind-jumbling input but...at least..."I'm with him." That was my ticket to feeling part of things yet without having to be totally "me." I could just be "his friend." And that made me both special, welcome, yet wonderfully off center stage. Center stage in an informal group situation is a prospect of horror to me. I can deliver a prepared speech extremely well, seemingly spontaneously, to an audience of hundreds. But a living room packed with twenty or thirty raucously chattering human beings is a miasma of cognitive chaos and panic to me. In such situations, "I'm with him" was my ticket to relative definition and self-awareness, an identity that cut through the noise. I wonder whether others on the spectrum can relate to this "'I'm With Him Syndrome"?
"Who's behind the mask?" I would love a book signed by a cat omg haha! Just looked to book up, seems like a good book to have regardless I just wish my family could read English so I could borrow it to them too hehe!
I'm a 30 year old male who in the last 2 years started to realize i may be autistic. I was diagnosed ADHD as a kid but really never received any help because there weren't that many tools back then. So many things didn't make sense to me when i had symptoms that didn't always match ADHD. I've only tried to start unmasking in the last year and a half. The hardest part is knowing how to interact with others. i've always found it so hard making friends and keeping them. I was always the shadow of the group if i did have friends. Once i graduated high school it felt like everyone got on a spaceship and created new lives effortlessly. I haven't had a solid friendship for close to 15 years. All i know is isolation. I don't know how else to live. I'm unemployed and struggle to find what i can do for work that doesn't burn me out. for me to want to work i have to enjoy what i do. But it always seems so far out of reach. life feels like having to put together a torn up map while everyone is using gps.
@16:10 - I've encountered a few bosses who are delighted with the autistic non-acknowledgement of social hierarchy, and appreciate casual but meaningful conversation during breaks between "big boss duty". Janitorial staff have told mesimilar too. If they say the boss is cool, follow their lead!
I hate having to mask my audhd yet it keeps me safer. The world is messed up and people take advantage of people who are different. It's also incredibly sad she got trolled for being genuinely happy. That's a great thing and beautiful to see. People can be so miserable and beat others down. I prefer neurodivergant people, animals and kids.
"Who is behind the mask?" I heard that this book is good. I don't know how much I mask. The autism assessors who diagnosed me said I don't mask but I don't think that is 100% true. I think that I do sometimes. A cat signed book would be cute! I love cats!
"Who's Behind the mask?" A confused gal who wants to talk about BTS, K-Pop and neurodivergence 90% of the time, does different vocal stims every hour, would listen to music 24/7 if she could, hops and walks around like a kid when being stressed OR excited XD
When you spoke about deliberately copying a popular person, I felt so seen! I used to do this alot in school . I still have my personal model (a guy l always felt he was everything I wanted to be), and whenever I'm at loss for the adequate thing to do I still apply the "what would HE do?” tactics 😝.
"Who's behind the mask?" I feel like my entire personnality may be AUDHD, abd that's ok, we are cool, but before that it was low self-esteem and people pleasing, and a bunch of quirks. Seeking people's approval, all the time. At least Dr. Price's suggestions made me laugh.
Not giving reasons for saying no, anticipating emotions, or being aware of my facial expressions would certainly make for an interesting way to lose my job. Perhaps those are best practiced on a day off. "Who's behind the mask?" Well, I'm still figuring that out.
It just dawned on me.. Maybe i have a hard time recognising myself in images because i have been and still am masking so much.. I expect to see something else, something i am not, i don't know if it makes sense, but i rarely look at myself because i have a hard time accepting that it is me, that is how i look. I'm not sure what i am expecting me to look like though. As my mask has been allowed to be taken off more and more i feel more okay with my image as well, i have had a better time just accepting my appearance and how i want to dress myself (band t-shirts and hoodies hehe)
@@Autistic_AF Uhh hehe! I am a big fan of Rock and Metal, right now my favourite band is Electric Callboy they are a perfect mix of electronics, dance music and metal hehe :D! My hoodies are of Sabaton, they have such good quality merch :D
Awww❤. I like chicken! Was the good night service for some in a neighborhood garden community for some time, means to clean their home and then close their stable for the night time. And in my childhood I often had contact with them, so I knew they are like other pets too. Always wished to be able to adopt some. I cannot understand how humans are able to misstread them in egg-fabrics. And I totally act like that woman if I am.in such overwhelming joy, was often told I appear childish and embarassing then. Don't give a fuck on it. And if I watch something interesting in nature I also did show random other people because I just had to and didn't want them to miss it. With the bullying at school: as a young kid I was bullied a lot. Was afraid of the breaks when I had to go outside to "play with them". Getting a teenager I then had mostly much older friends and they were politically left "rebels". And then arround 30 I had first time some same age friends and the older I get now I feel the people I like get often younger then me.
Paradoxically, what you described, i.e., your effort to be just like that kid who was always late to class, points up why (I think) people on the spectrum are often both remarkable and dreadful actors. Remarkable because they are very observant--you carefully noted that other boy's behavior and then you reproduced it, undoubtedly with a parody-like flair that clearly telegraphed "JOKE," in a way that (perhaps you failed to realize then and still don't realize) far exceeded what most others could have done. Of course, "JOKE" wasn't what you wanted to telegraph, except in the sense of the other kid's joke that made everybody laught--but you didn't want this whole persona you were trying on to be taken as a joke. Oh yes. Crushing humiliation. I know it piercingly vividly. Had you actually performed that "skit" AS a joke, an intentional parody, like a comedian, you would have registered the audience reaction ("They're laughing at me") very differently. It would have been a triumph (though the kid who was The Original could well have been furious at you). This is undoubtedly behind the skill of so many comedians. In that sense you were a good actor. Where you were a very bad actor was in your misguided attempt to have everybody, including yourself, believe that this was really you, "the New Me." I did quite a bit of acting in my life, and was quite good at it. I remember a friend telling me once when I was in my 20s, "Ken, you're a really bad actor." I guess my face fell. He followed up quickly, "I don't mean on stage. You're really good there. But in real life you're very bad at being something you're not."
If I unmasked, an unfiltered me would not only be more disliked I would be seen as upsetting or offensive. One example I explained at work to a colleague. If you had a colleague who came to you said their dad had died / how would you feel and what would you do. They said they would feel for them, have empathy for them, console them, comfort them, etc etc…. Well for me - I know what I’m supposed to do - all the above and I can say a few consoling works and it’s had for me to sound convincing. But in reality I don’t care, I can’t say with real emotion and empathy the correct words as I don’t mean them. I can’t put myself in there mind. So if I unmasked in this situation I would come across as uncaring bordering on inconsiderate. But in reality I lack the empathy to really manage this situation. This is the problem with masking and unmasking
Who's behind the mask? Currently pursuing an official diagnosis. I recently sought out the autistic community when I started suspecting I might be AuDHD instead of just ADHD.
Who's behind the mask? At first i tried out a lot of different self destructive ideas but then i thought i had come a long way toward self acceptance but now. It's a tough time. Being a mom is a lot a lot of pressure. I'm trying to figure it out, who i am. one thing about me is the writing, i always have to write or I'm not well.
Heed - yep. I know the pressure of parenting well! My son's 16 now. Writing is so important - what sort of thing do you like to write about? Do you journal? -Mike
Just find your channel and I want to say this on masking it shucks I am a super high masking person and I hate my self for it. It sadly can hurt people even if you don't mean too. 😔
@@Autistic_AF Thanks, I've actually been trying to find my way into a role in ML for the last 2+ years. I'm just about to give up though. Maybe you might like to take on a mentee?
ok i got a problem here though, cos i thought that basically everyone is upholding these behaviours and trying to fit it and that because thats just how it is, is it not?
Who is behind the mask?🤔 No idea yet but am sure most of me is gone and not retreivable. I am 63 and recently diagnosed after the death of my only true-trust relationship in my life died. This caused a cascade collapse of my survival strategies. I have spent 47 years in pyschotherapy. Most of my childhood revolved around "This too shall pass" and "Nothing matters" My life as an adult was "everything is great" & cycles of holding a job for a year or 2, followed by severe bouts of depression, panic attacks and disassociative states for a year or 2. Always exhausted but forging forward with gritted teeth. My parents made it very clear at a young age what should be done with birth defects so I have spent most of my life terrified of being found out. Not so much lately as I am too dead inside to care. Friends have always been a very low priority. My life revolves more around finances and survival. My special interests are Gardening, Animal Rescue, Insects, Books, Shamanism and Dimash Qudaibergen. Thank you for this video. I have found your channel to be one of the few Autistic channels that I vibe with. 🥰🇨🇦
Replace the word 'dancing' in any song with 'masking'
Masking in the Moonlight! 💃 🎭 🌒
Masking Queen (ABBA)
Your Mama Don't Mask - Loggins and Messina
Maskin’ bah mahse-elf!
MAAASKIIING WIITH TEAHS INN MYYY EYESS!
The second one couldn’t be more relatable.
@@BillOdyssey Do the Safety Mask
Screw people who wish to stamp out people’s joy: no matter how they express it. Seeing someone who is experiencing genuine joy makes me happy. I don’t emote at all really, but truly enjoy watching others get excited about things. Their joy brings me joy (even if I don’t show it) so by all means; jump, clap, laugh, and please bring it to our attention. I wouldn’t want to miss a thing.
💯
I feel soooo happy seeing her being excited to see the whales. I would do the same thing if I saw a whale. It would at least be the highlight of the month, if not year.
@@ZhovtoBlakytniy Me toooooo - it's hardly exciting. I mean, I get excitable about things most might find really odd, but honestly - this is relatable to the majority, I'd guess. -Mike
When me and younger sister (both suspecting autistic) Just spend ti e together without our parents, it feels so much easier to just be happy and let it out together. I remember one time when bowling and she got a spare and she was so expressive and happy, and it was so much better than when we were younger and hid our happiness
I ended up getting so good at masking I can almost get any outcome in 60-70% of social situations, almost every job interview is hired on the spot and I can basically pick and choose who I want to be friends with. The messed up part is, it’s not real and it’s hard on the conscious when I make a bunch of “connections” that are based in benefit to cost ratio instead of if I actually like that person.
Hey Shelton, I know what you mean. I do still get the, "I wonder if they like me for me, or they like my persona" from time to time. Generally, I only hang out with people that share my interests irl - and I'm reasonably well unmasked in those situations nowadays. -Mike
Are you a guy? I also got very good at masking. So good that no one believes I’m autistic, but I definitely run people, especially women, the wrong way. I am a woman and though I am good at generic masking I guess I never figured out how to mask as a proper girl/woman. So if a woman is the one hiring I’m probably not getting the job😂😂. Guys freaking love me though. Always telling me “I’m not like other girls”. And I’m like bro I’m a grown as woman and then we laugh.
@@DaughterofDiogenes yep I’m a dude, funnily enough I get along meh with about most guys people either absolutely despise me or absolutely love me. Ladies tend to like me but then again I’m very well built and fairly decent looking. People are very superficial I just tried to become what other humans want and it worked out.
"Who's Behind the mask?"
That's a question I'm really profoundly struggling with at the age of 40 because I'm realizing the degree to which I've been masking 24/7 my entire life due to an extremely abusive living situation. I'm separated from that situation now (very recently, and in the most traumatic way possible) and trying to figure out who the hell I am. I've learned so much about myself in the last two months that I'm struggling to keep up with processing all the information, and grieving terribly for the life I SHOULD have had. I feel like I'm going through a second puberty. If anything, the swings in my emotion and the effects it's having on my body are even more profound.
And it's so hard just trying to scrape all the shame off of everything in my life that's been covered in shame since I was a child, because there was nothing for me to feel ashamed about and the people who bullied and punished me were fundamentally wrong. That doesn't change the fact that the trauma responses they hammered into me were so strong that I'm TERRIFIED of letting the mask slip, while simultaneously knowing that my nervous system is devastated and that if I don't unmask and start accommodating for my own needs I'll be dead from a stroke in two years. I'm also consumed with a white-hot rage over the obscene way I've been treated my entire life by people who should have known better, and the degree to which bullying is simply an accepted norm in neurotypical society. I could never understand it, and I will never understand it.
40's still young, TJ. Hierarchies are so important in neurotypical society - it's just something that doesn't make a lot of sense to autistic people. And that's not a bad thing. I do wish it was easier to intuit, though. -Mike
Be gentle with yourself. It will take time to heal and get to know yourself. I am re-parenting myself, consciously empathizing with and comforting my inner child that feels so overwhelmed and helpless. Now that I know I am AuDHD, and I am in a safe place, I’m needing to rest a lot.
Your immune system is lowered after being under prolonged stress, so that’s another reason it is important to prioritize your self care as you emerge into your new life. ❤ We survived!
So well descrive. You’re very intelligent and I know you’ll keep figuring it out. Much love to you ❤
@@sammicopor All day every day, but I don't respond differently to sativa versus indica; it all affects me the same and it all helps.
It will get better, it's a tough time processing but ultimately helpful ❤
When I was young, maybe 5 years old, I chose to always be honest with myself about my emotions, even if i had to delay showing the emotions in question. I grew up with maybe 1 or 2 friends, and hundreds of bullies. But I was always the person people who were neutral towards me would go to if they had a problem that made them feel something. I was basically the only one in my town who knew how to deal with my own emotions who wasn't a guidance counselor. I'd be the one to give people advice on how to keep going after something bad happened, to calm people down when they're scared or anxious, to cheer people up when they're sad. I became the scapegoat, the counselor, the sounding board, for everyone around me, without getting any of that help back. Maybe neurotypical people are masking too, they just had their mask superglued to them so long they forgot that it wasn't some fantasy that people can be authentic.
Hi, Desirée, thank you for your comment and sharing your experiences. That's really interesting - despite the negative pressures, people see you as someone who has strong listening skills and doesn't judge. That said, it's such a shame that you didn't get that energy returned back to you. I can relate to that. People tell me things, too. Perhaps TMI. I don't judge. That seems to be a trait of our condition. I wonder... You're right that NT people mask too, it's just, that they don't have to mask their autistic traits.
I resonate so much with this, it was my role as well. I later became a counsellor professionally 😂
@@une.ezequiel at least you're getting paid for it now. I decided to go into anthropology with mine, heading towards health behaviors and beliefs, going to try to prevent the problems that lead to children being talked at about things they had no hand in, and make people aware that this (and similar things) happen to a lot of neurodivergent people so that they can at least have a choice in solving people's problems.
@@BlazeNStarFor a brief while, yes, but not anymore (got burned out from another job and general AuDHD stuff). Sounds good that you''re gonna use your experience to help NDs!
This is absolutely true. I’ve also found that they then have almost a sharing whiplash or hangover that occurs after they e dumped on me which causes them to never speak to me again. I used to be so confused about what was happening but then realized (ie had a therapist explain it to me) that the things folks were confessing (abuse, doubts, fears) were things these people didn’t actually want to deal with and they felt ashamed or embarrassed to be around me with the info I had about them. I get it but I don’t share secrets and never have told any of the stuff I’ve been told. Now I just won’t let anyone talk to me about stuff. Yes I’ve lost all friends as a result and my marriage is failing but I can’t keep absorbing everyone’s negative energy when no one will even listen to me get through one sentence without rolling their eyes.
"Who's behind the mask?"
I had to stop and come back after what you said about avoiding talking about special interests. It really got to me. I've done it because I know I talk too much about it and other people aren't interested in what I'm talking about, but it feels like trying to suppress a cough. Also someone else making fun of a special interest was so hurtful.
Autistic joy is one of the absolute best things on earth. Hold it close and never let it go. I had mine for so long but the last 10 years has taken such a tole. I used to be the buzzing bubbly larger than life audhder and now I’m the flat affect, slightly sad/angry looking autistic who suffers from selective mutism. I ordered the unmasking book and am working to get back to my old self. I k ow exactly who caused this and how it happened at least so I’m taking steps to shield myself and grow again.
🫂 💜
I’m undiagnosed, and you are speaking to my soul. Like I wish I could get people to understand. I hate masking it is tiring.
“Who’s Behind the Mask?” Currently self-diagnosed autistic at 46-years-old, after decades of mental illness and personality disorder misdiagnoses. Definitely have anxiety and PTSD, which I believe is simply from living as an undiagnosed autistic woman my entire life. I also found out I have ADHD a few years ago. Anyhoo, sorry about the bio, but damnit, man; this has been a wild ride so far. But I guess that’s life. I’m very thankful I found your channel, and have been quite impressed with your prodigious upload ability!
Hope you and all of the Autista-cats are happy and well, and I send well wishes from Mississippi, USA. 🤩❤😽🐈🐈⬛😸
Hello! Aww I’m sorry to hear that. You know, so many unidentified/unrecognised autistic people have similar trauma. We are a lost generation with reference to being diagnosed/identified.
Thank you! I’m glad you’re here, welcome! 🤗 The cats are relaxing indoors despite the tornado(!!!) not too distant from here! -Mike
Scripting and rehearsing social interactions are virtual strategies for surviving this allistic world. And it's soooo exhausting 😢.
Vital not virtual.
Absolutely! I'm very burnt out at the moment, I have little threshold for social situations, it sucks. It's like having to consciously make 100 different calculations at the same time and it's so exhausting. At least I know about autism now and not to go so hard at life to the point of loss of functionality 😅 I'm only ever at the back of the slingshot, the ADHD will propell me somewhere when my body is ready.
It doesn't even matter, like you say they're just other people. The trick is finding and keeping quality relationships with neurotype buddies 👌 With all my best mates we mutually don't text for months at a time, and then get back to business as usual when we do, which involves taking turns monologuing at each other for like 10 minutes at a time about stuff we're excited about. There's nothing more soothing than performing your natural behaviours!
Hi Anne, Yes! Haha performing natural behaviours makes us sound like the subject of an Attenborough documentary! 😅 - but I’m on board 😂. Sorry you’re in burnout. Take all the time you need for yourself. -Mike
I amtill so angry about what happened to Chloe Hayden, I absolutely adored her energy in her videos and as an auDHDer I loved her book as did my autistic daughter. Also loved Dr Devon Price's book that you refer to here too. I am in the process of unmasking as since the pandemic have found it harder and harder to mask. Still finding the people I mask the most with is my parents and siblings, a very hard thing not to but it takes a huge toll.
"Who's behind the mask?" Still trying to figure that one out...
Love your channel by the way. You deserve a lot more subscribers. Thank you for your videos.
Thanks, Charlie! I appreciate your kind comments. And, I hope you rediscover your authentic autistic self. I wish that for all of us. -Mike
**NEW TIME for TEA & TAILS LIVESTREAM: SUNDAY 28th JAN at 7:00pm/19:00 GMT (UK/London).**
Sorry for changing - have an unexpected family event to attend on Saturday. Grrr! (None of them know about my RUclips channel lol).
On the plus side, it's 24 extra hours to comment your competition entry to win a copy of Unmasking Autism :)
do we have to attend the LIVE to be able to have a chance to win, besides commenting? I'm scared I might just forget whaha
@@angelawang4660 Nope, the winner will be announced on the stream but no need to be on the stream at the same time. Although, it would be nice :)
I just found your channel today and I am also an adult/late diagnosed Autistic person. I have been going down the masking rabbit hole because I have a little trouble keeping jobs because I can't tolerate unethical behavior and ignoring major issues and/or I burnout from massive overachieving. I am starting a new job and ny therapist (who is not trained in ASD) told me that I needed to NOT be myself and that I needed to practice a sort of character that would make me more palatable to the people I meet. I told him I was aware of masking and it is too exhausting. His response was "I don't see why it would be that tiring, it is just here and there when you are interacting with people." A day later, because it takes me a long time to feel my emotional responses, I was really upset and panicked because the idea of masking 40 hours a week again sounds insurmountable and exhausting and now I know is likely part of my part suicide attempts. Plus from the research I have found it isn't particularly successful when we do it, people still find us off-putting for lack of a better term. My husband said that I should just be my intelligent kind oddball self so other oddballs can feel safe around ME and I think I am going to do that but boy that suggestion sent me into a spiral. Thank you for your videos!
I am deaf, as well as AuDHD (adult diagnosis). When I was young I took speech therapy. I recall talking to the teacher that was encouraging me to make eye contact and telling her it made me really uncomfortable. She understood and we pivoted to forehead or lips and she stopped pushing eye contact.
Thanks for sharing that story, Lorenz! That’s so positive! I hope you’ve been able to maintain that level of self advocacy! That’s so good to hear! -Mike
@@Autistic_AF unfortunately, I mostly grew up a scapegoat at home and a big target to bullies at school, so...
In my 58 years, I have used nearly all of these masking strategies to fit in and be socially accepted. What a relief to finally be asked, "Who's behind the mask?" Your videos help me feel real. Thank you!
I'm really happy my videos are helping, Ellen! I think it's an important thing to reflect on. Especially for us late identified autistics/AuDHD'ers - our masked patterns conceal our real selves. -Mike
I was masking for at least 40 years. Idk who I am. Slowly discovering stuff.
I’m autistic and I’m the opposite of expressing big feelings, not showing much at all. I’ve always found it so strange to show big emotions in public. It seems so over exaggerated to my rigid self.
I am 37 and, never realised until this last week that i was masking my emotions. I'm in psychotherapy to work through lots of trauma from my past and was on SSRIs and coming off the meds made me realise i was on them to hide how excitedly happy or devastatingly sad i get at what (i now know are NTs) other "normal" people think I shouldn't be reacting to. I, in short, have been bullied for being happy (and sad about sad things) too! Just like the actress you included here! Thank you for talking about masking emotions and helping me confirm what I am already realising! ❤
Hi Klarissa, I'm happy for you that you've realised this. There's a lot to process as an adult, previously unaware of how we were operating! Take care. -Mike
😂 the ending to #4 was PERFECT!!!
That is when I hit the like button!
@@helloimjustb I came to the comments to post "@11:10 - Yes."
I grew up masking a lot. I just recently started unmasking (about 1 year) and it has been a long journey. Just realising how much I was masking was hard and then going through the months figuring out who I was and what just was the mask was hard, especially while dealing with depression and a lot of other things happening in life. It has been a long journey but I am at the best point I've ever been with my mental health and while I still have to mask in sertain situations I've learned how to properly turn it of. For the people starting to unmask, especially if you have other issues alongside it, it will be hard but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and one day you will notice that you feel good more days than not
"Who's behind the mask?"
I have recently come to believe I am undiagnosed, and this is a question I am just starting to grapple with. I have always felt like an empty person just reflecting who ever I am around. I never realised how much I am masking, my journey from here is going to be a tough one of discovery, but now at least I feel like I have a path to tread upon.
10:57 - 11:12 YES! Exactly. The ability to experience great joy and/or great sensory pleasure is such a blessing (music, beautiful prose and verse, perfectly-for-me spiced food, the smell of a pine forest in high summer, interacting with water, fine sand, or snow, etc.).
People who make fun or disapprove of big emotions are small souls, alike the grey men in Michael Ende's book Momo. If they weren't outright bullies or followers of bullies so often, I would feel sorry for them.
"or followers of bullies so often"... as is SO often the case... -Mike
"Who's behind the mask?" Shame is my constant companion. It was really describing my experience perfectly. When I'm around other people (which basically just means my mother and siblings, since I never leave the house or have any friends) it feels like I disappear. All my opinions and emotions are gone, except for the more socially acceptable, watered-down ones. And I just laugh and am really awkward until I shut down and am no longer able to make eye contact or speak, even around my own family.
Behind the mask, I'm still struggling to figure out. Had an abusive dad as a child, failed out of middle school because I couldn't attend class, and grew up in a fundamentalist religion that gave me severe moral scrupulosity OCD. I'm just lucky that I got diagnosed last year and can work on healing now. Can't wait to see who I actually am behind the mask.
So glad this video got recommended. Hi and thank you from a new subscriber!
What you said about the excitement of seeing animals really connects with me. I get really excited to see nature and always tell everyone else around me they have to stop what they're doing and come see what I see. They never seem that enthused, but they do placate me and take a look. I didn't realize until now that this intrigue and excitement is one of my traits. PS I then spend hours and multiple nights researching that animal.
I can relate to that, Derek!! Very much. Great to see another nature person! 🐌 🌱 🌺 🐝 🦈
🎭 Insightful topic discussion. I especially liked the alternative strategy suggestions at the end of the video. Using humour is one of my masking mechanisms. It can be both helpful & not helpful, depending on the situation. Enjoyed your livestream immensely, looking forward to seeing everyone again. 😊
"Who's Behind The Mask?"
Hey Amelia, thank you so much for your kind comments. We'll hit up more suggestions and more topics from Dr Devon Price's book on the next Saturday livestream. There will be at least one (probably more!) livestreams before then. Hope you can make them. It was a pleasure to have your company on the last livestream! Yeah, I know the using humour thing - it cuts both ways sometimes! Ooops! -Mike :)
I learned early how to make it appear that I'm making eye contact without actually making eye contact.
Me too. I look at their eyebrows and they think that I make eye contact.
"Who's behind the mask?"
i just recently hit the worst Autistic burnout and skill regression i've ever experienced, at 19. i feel lucky that i've been able to realize my neurodiversity at such a young age, but losing my mask, along with basic functioning skills, is terrifying. i've had chronic dissociation issues, ruined relationships, and completely lost connection with who i am until recently because of masking. masking ruined me. i was so scared when i first started trying to figure out how to "wake up" as i called it (be present, stop dissociating, become my true self etc.), because as hard as i looked all i could find was imitations, adoptions, or hollow empty spaces where beliefs or personality traits must have once existed. i genuinely felt as if i had no self. that nothing was inside me that wasn't taken from outside. it feels like you will never be a self again, but i promise you can. i thought i was gone forever and there was nothing left to become, but i am unmasking, i am learning, i am remembering and i am developing. i'm doing everything i was supposed to do as a child that i didn't because i replaced development with repression and fawning. don't get me wrong, discovering that i have support needs, discovering i might be disabled, discovering i am incapable of things i simply am not allowed to be incapable of is its own terror. but with this new stress i still feel grateful to know myself more than i have in a long time, and taking care of my Autistic self the way i always needed, the best i can anyway, is a blessing and a privelege as well.
thank you for talking about masking. i know it's a privelege, but it destoryed my health. it ruined so much of my life, and my development, and it lead to me nearly doing something you can't take back. this privelege is only good as it keeps you safe, and i'm lucky i get to unmask at all. i hope one day everyone is safe to unmask and no one has to lose themselves and harm their mental and physical health to fit in anymore. i hope one day Autistic people can just be themselves.
Thank you, Critter. Your words will resonate with many people. Me included! I also hope for a kinder society for all. -Mike
I'm sending this to the next person that asks why I don't go to the office
“Who’s behind the mask?”
Thanks for another excellent video. I had to pause and write down your summary of why socializing can be so utterly draining. We are paying attention to so many things at once, and it becomes overwhelming almost immediately.
Thank you, Julie. Thanks for watching, and for your feedback. Yes, that's the best way I have to explain why it's so draining. There are other reasons too, but this one fits best! It's nice and concise! -Mike
@@Autistic_AF I became aware of that I had stopped masking at home and with my closest (fellow neurodivergent) friends during the Covid lockdowns. And now it is almost like I have lost most of my masking ability, and I don't really miss it. Being retired is such a privilege!
I still have a mask/role for seeing a doctor/nurse/etc. and another for in-person interactions at the mall, but I do almost all of my shopping online now and we still order most of our food as home or curbside delivery. As a result, some 75-95% of the time I only meet people I have chosen to meet when I have chosen to meet them.
I am so much more relaxed now, and there is a chance that my life-long high stress levels are finally coming down. The damage from stress to my body won't all go back, but at least there's a chance that I will not be getting sicker anymore.
When I open presents for my birthday and Christmas, I have to smile so they will know I like the gift. I do like the gift and am great full even if I don’t show any emotions.
People tell me to smile because I should be happy. Their intentions were good but doing something that isn’t natural or making it a habit to smile and be told to interact with people without knowing if i really want to is not good. I’m suppose to figure out if I want to fit in or not. I know i don’t want to fit with social norms just because I have to and care what people think of me.
Yes! I am always grateful but sometimes I don't necessarily act it. Like, those micro-expressions, they're tricky to get right. Man, I wish we all had a little bit of Anthony Hopkins' magic!
I am a female, but I never got big into masking at the expense of being "the obsessed weirdo" for my intense interests, even amongst boys when I was a kid.
One thing I know I did eventually try to hide was when I was happy "now it's time to pretend to be uninterested!". That was as a teen.
"now it's time to pretend to be uninterested"
Yeah, something about the teenage years that really sucks the joy out of you. -Mike
"Who's behind the mask?"🎭 Great video! I was sad to hear about Chloé's experience, I found out through your latest live stream. I had very recently read her lovely book "Different, not less" that made a really positive impact on me, that together with my own personal experiences of having the joy bullied out of me made it feel extra ... it's like a feeling I would like to have a dedicated word for: I would describe it as a mix of deep sadness; sorrow, frustration, anger, vengefulness but also shame because it's the feeling inculcated by others and it's really complicated when that gets tied to joyfulness. The unjustness it points toward. I guess a decisiveness to not tolerate it any further could be generated from that!
I knoowwww 😢 😢 😢 people online can be so horrid sometimes. Especially on sites like TikTok. It’s like the worst parts of high schools all concentrated there. Poor Chloe. And, it doesn’t really matter what the content of her video is but she really doesn’t deserve that. I will add her book to the Tea & Tails bookclub! Thank you. I’m glad it was positive for you! -Mike 🤗
"Who's Behind the Mask". Hi Mike, hi Phoenix. I hope you stay snuggled and warm by the fire, Phoenix you beautiful chicken 🐔
I was so pleased to see your use of Chloe Haydn's clips and you championing her in your video. What happened to her was so cruel. You are absolutely right. Seeing whales is such a profound experience. I don’t know how anyone could experience it without feeling the euphoria throughout their whole body. I once went on a whale watching tour by boat. Unfortunately, jumping for joy wasn't safe. I literally couldn't rock the boat 😂 ,but my hands and toes were wriggling with joy and there were seriously awesome tingles going up and down my spine. Its one of my go to "happy places" in my mind when I need one. 🐳💙💙💙💙
The thing about hiding big emotions is a major battle for me right now, I’m really glad you covered it.
One of my siblings growing up brutally squashed any expression of joy I had, even subtle ones, even if I was trying to hide it. They just seemed to hate me and took every opportunity to bully me no matter what I was doing.
Now I’m trying to dig my way out of lifelong depression, and coming up against this deep fear of even *feeling* joy. I have a short list of things I could change that would quickly get my head above water and on my way to a better life, but that fear is all-consuming, so I stay stuck in self-defeating coping mechanisms.
I think that would have happened whether I was autistic or not, or perhaps this person just got the ick being around me because they could tell I was different and awkward, like in that study you talked about in another video.
I don’t know how to regain the ability to feel happiness again, but videos like this at least tell me I’m not alone, and that others have made it to the other side. Many thanks for what you do. ❤
Thank you, Chucanelli. Would you mind emailing me on mike@autisticafter40.com as you’ve won this month’s Tea & Tails book - Unmasking Autism!
Thinking back of school is cringe. Kids are brutal. Already have the book so I’m gonna pass on the raffle to give others more chance to win (although I wouldn’t mind a signed-by-Hydra-and-the-wobbly-chicken copy 😂) Definitely gonna try some of the tips you shared. Impressed by all the research papers you manage to find & read & include, good work Mike!
Hi Janneke, your comments always make me smile. Hydra and wobbly-chicken signed copies are priceless, just in case you changed your mind and wanted to be in the draw lol. There will be plenty more 'things' in the future haha! I promise :D
Kids are brutal yep. And I wonder now, with the TikTok generation(s) that it feels like the worst personalities from around the planet are there, ready to be horrid. This particular Chloe Hayden clip really resonates with me. I mean, that's a happy dance if ever I saw one, and even neurotypicals happy dance from time to time!
Appreciate that, Janneke. I'm planning to organise much of the research, eventually! -Mike
@@Autistic_AF Yes the Chloe H clip is brilliant!
And glad I could give you a smile :-)
"Who's behind the mask?
It's me! Maria! I mean Rose!
I really want to read that book, I've been through extreme burnout and skills regression and I feel like my masks were broken during my last burnout and I just don't have access to them anymore. I'm on the waiting list for it at my library but I'm not a very patient person!
Thank you for this. I am learning more about masking and realizing that I've done this all my life.
The more I read and watch, the more I believe I AM autistic.
Hi Esmerelda, you aren't alone. Thanks for your kind words. I had the exact same experience you're going through, as do so many other people. -Mike
That whale situation is so heartbreaking. And relatable. I’m so grateful for the people in my life who celebrate joy
@@sirbradfordofhousejones The vast majority of the general population suppress so much of their emotion, and their happiness. It’s such a shame.
Copying class mates didn't work out for me either, I just got the whole class in trouble.
Devon Price's book is great. My physiologist recommended a different book, and Unmasking Autism just happened to be sitting next to it at the book shop so I bought both. My copy is now dogeared, full of underlining and my own notes, which I often go back to. Devon wrote one paragraph I was so excited to read, that I circled the whole thing, because thats exactly how I felt. I wont write the whole paragraph here, but Devon says because Autistic minds are about understanding the details, and analyzing complex systems it makes sense to think of our lives as fractal, forever expanding into new subjects and narrowing into precise focus at the same time. Then Devon continues with a very amusing comparison of two Video Game characters. He ends the paragraph with "we build worlds". This is in Chapter 6 Building an Autistic Life, under the sub heading Reimagine Success and Time, page 178 in my paper back copy.
"Who's behind the mask?"
A weird old hideshnooka, humming along.
Hello 👋 HS :)
Oh! I almost always sing along walking down the street, sometimes I dance 😅
YES! That’s so lovely
"Who's behind the mask?"
This was so good, as usual, Mike. As you were going through all the ways we mask and the social pressures that make it feel necessary, I was noticing how so many of these overlap with the ways I've been impacted by toxic masculinity. Many of the autistic behaviors and interests I have are "uncool" in the same ways that they're not considered "manly". It makes me think that I may have realized my own autism much earlier if I hadn't also been doing my best to "act like a man". Keep the content coming! I'm looking forward to making it for Tea & Tails this time. Unmasking Autism was the book that made me realize I might be autistic. Cheers!
Hey Jason 👋 ! Thank you for your kind words - as always. You’re too generous, I feel! It’s funny you mention toxic masculinity. I argued bitterly that I wasn’t affected in a private discussion with an autist about a year ago. I lost that debate squarely, after entering with a position that toxic masculinity was just a gen z concept. I admit, freely that I was wrong. There might be a video there…!
The societal pressures are numerous and we don’t even realise it much of the time. NTs too, also victims of that culture. Interesting.
Yes it’s a damn good book. It’s one of the best books - most on this subject tend to be long biographies. Nothing wrong with that per-se but…. I’m not a fan of waffle! (Despite being ‘waffler’ myself sometimes!). Glad you’re here. -Mike
Who's behind the mask?
I've only recently discovered your channel and am happy to add it to my arsenal of autistic support videos. I only discovered I'm autistic about a year and a half ago, after over five decades of masking, assimilating, and camouflaging.
"Who's behind the mask?" Had to type that a couple of times, the perfectionist fighting with the Dyslexic.
Just come apon your channel recently, and it's going in to my rota to watch more
Thanks, Steve. I appreciate you being here - it's okay to mis-spell words. Autocucumber is a fantastic technology! And thank you for your support, and for being here. -Mike
While I do not have Autism, I have ADHD. I do mask, and it’s exhausting. It’s almost like I have a different personality for every new group I meet. (Besides close family and friends) I’m trying to figure out who I really am, because I’ve spent my entire life copying what other people do.
Yes! I've done this so much in my life, and every time I did it I knew I was playing make-believe in a way that nobody around me understood and which I didn't even fully understand and that any attempt to explain it would be impossible, probably even incoherent and unintelligible. Like getting invited to join the family at a pro hockey game because "it'll be fun!" The invitation is 100% well-meaning and it seems boorish to object--after all, what good REASON do you have?--and it's always in the name of "creating memories together." So you go along to be a good sport (no pun intended). You don't genuinely enjoy it, of course--in fact, it's all rather too much to deal with. And the funny, quirky, counter-intuitive thing you do is to over-act some responses just to indicate you're "into it," when of course you're really not, so it turns into a bit of ham acting. Which can only ratchet up your Weirdness Quotient in others' eyes. The instances of this in my life now stand out to me, since my ASD discovery last spring, with crystal clarity. I now understand EXACTLY what was happening there, and WHY I couldn't intelligibly formulate, to myself or anybody else, how this was really a useless effort on my part to be something I wasn't. I can pinpoint other experiences in my life where , to be charitable, well-meaning (okay, perhaps a bit controlling) people urged and egged me on (only for my good, my mind you) to shake myself out of myself and get into what everybody else (read "normal people") liked, to "relax and have a good time!" Of course, they weren't intelligently concerned with what really meant "a good time" for me; rather, the catalyst, the irritant, spurring their "concern" was their distinct discomfort at my not aligning with their existential paradigm. The things people want you to do, to assure themselves that they've forced you to have a good time the way they understand it, are uniformly trivial and meaningless (I mean, how many activities and events in life are world-changing?). Who CARES and what does it MATTER in the vast scale of things whether I go to a hockey game or join the guys in the field for a game of football or join a circle of colleagues for a "trust" game? All of this is vapid, fleeting meaninglessness that even they are going to forget about the moment it's over, so it's not really about that. It's about establishing the boundaries of normality that maintain their sense of security and self-understanding. But again to be more charitable about it, it's also about their intrinsic incapacity to conceive another mode of psycho-affective cognition and self-"location" vis-à-vis the rest of the world. I.e., being neurotypical they have no good reason to suspect that their efforts to drag you into "what everybody likes' are just like trying to make oil and water mix. Which is why it's so screamingly vital for an autistic person to DISCOVER his/her status. Because the rest of the world will NEVER do your self-advocating for you. It's a non-starter. YOU need to know, so that you can operate on that reality with confidence, no more apologies for it or self-corrosive masking it. You can decline or drop out of what you really need to, for your absolutely good reasons, and nobody else's opinion, ESPECIALLY of those who have no grasp of your ASD, matters. There are things in life we must interact, collaborate, compromise with others on. Sure. That's called being a responsible human being. But there is also a whole raft of things we don't need ANYBODY'S permission on and are ABSOLUTELY entitled to say "No thank you" to, full stop. That's called being a full-fledged, happy and whole human being.
I got the really, really, super-late diagnosis in late 2017 when I was 53. It truly feels like a life wasted.
In looking back, "be yourself" was probably THE worst advice I'd ever gotten, right along the idea of "being honest."
I don't know that any of this will help me socially. My guess is that it most definitely will not help me survive in, or even get into, a work environment.
The problem is I'm at the point where my knowledge, experience, and skills do not matter, as none of it can over-ride my crime of "being old."
There is no path out, no path to safety. It feels gross, and most nights I hope that I won't wake up the next day. Sorry to be a bummer, but that's what's going on here.
“Who’s behind the mask”
Self diagnosed 44 year old man. Been watching RUclips channels about autism for awhile. Until one day I watch a video from“Autism from the inside” RUclips channel about autistic traits. From a list of 63 traits I got around 60 and the other ones I wasn’t sure. After that, autism explained why I felt so different all my life. Since my early 20’s I started to spend more time alone. One starts to learn to unmask when you are by yourself and feel happier. I think is better to be alone until one finds someone worth it to be with.
Welcome! Self dx/identification is valid! “Autism from the inside” is a good channel! Thanks for your comment, and for being here! -Mike
Thanks! I just found your channel. I really liked your video. I will be watching more. Very informative. I identify with everything you said. Wish you the best!👍
@@chimichangapr Thank you, Alvin! 🙏
"Who's behind the mask?"
I have no idea. And I still don't know what I'm masking.
I got a real issue with that. To the point where I don't fkn know "who's behind the mask" anymore because I mask even to myself without realizing. Sometimes I'm happy with my performance (rare but happens like last time I went to a bar with colleagues), but it just drains the f*ck outta my battery and it's depressing asf!
I know it's possible to solve that issue and a realistic objective, and I'm ready to spend the necessary time and effort, I just don't know where to start and what to do!
I can feel the frustration from your scenario - I've been there before and will countless more times in the future, too. So, in return, can you think about what a recharging situation that involves other people looks like? Perhaps everyone info-dumping about their passionate subjects? Or making something together? Or sitting quietly, listening to music, perhaps? Autistic people in groups have a great vibe. Will talk more about this on Saturday's live. It's recorded in case you miss it. -Mike
@@Autistic_AFfor the most part situations like that could be recharging if my brain wasn't so f*cked up. If I could act on autopilot and not think at all, or think significantly faster (but I also have ADHD, so...)
I have a few friends I like to either game with, do computer hardware related stuff with, or just generally hang out (and I'm so open to trying new things I think it can be both very fun and enlightening).
Other than that my only hope of a way out is through "life mental coaching" or whatever you call it.
Wow!! Love this dialogue, or at least, I perceive it as one. So fully engaged, I react with a constant smile. Not officially diagnosed but am definitely not accepted by neurotypicals and it took me MBTI, Jungian psychology dissection of self and others for 20 years, to reach a semblance of understanding and mimicking what neurotypical as do. Also, always wondered why I tend to associate with neuro divergent people.
Love, love the term “neuro typical social credit score” I’ve come to understand I’ve been amassing this sort of credit in a large corporation for over 10 years, until the mask completely fell off and I crashed and burned. And left :) Wow! Love your channel!! Subscribed.
Hi Asathora! Neurotypical Credit Score, yep! And I can relate to the crashing and burning and leaving for sure. I'm glad you love the Autistic AF channel :-) haha. Take care, Mike :)
Great vid. Thank you ❤
Glad you enjoyed it! I wasn’t sure it would upload in this storm we’re getting atm!
9th grade was when I started doing the same and trying to become more cool
Shalom and namaste
Masking creates a disconnect within ourselves...wow,,,,this may be part of the reason I don't (feel) connection so quickly with people..and why some ask: who are you?..ouch
One of the others here mentioned that masking is a survival strategy...that helps explain the stress,anxiety,and exhaustion I experience before, during, and after group events..and even with some individuals.
Thank you
Shalom Aleichem, Paal. Yep, there can be other reasons for that stress/anxiety, but imo - autistic masking - is the biggest, best explanation for this. -Mike
Great stuff, yay, permission to be cheerful in public 😊love how you back up your tips observations with reference to recent research
Thanks so much! 😊 -Mike
As someone who is "high masking", I thought I was immune to the struggles that autism present until 2020, where the pandemic led me into burnout. I had been going so hard for so long, Academically, socially, physically, mentally and when the world slowed down, my life spun out of control. I was no longer riding the momentum of a busy world and drowning out my internal feelings anymore. I was left with just ME and I discovered that I was tired, overwhelmed, sick, and just totally spent. I could barely eat, bathe, get up to pee. As a person who rarely ever shows anymore REAL , non-masked emotion, I was bawling my eyes out and hitting myself in a closet everyday...alone. I then moved to weed and alcohol and other forms of self harm to try and "chill out". That caused more damage. I now make accommodations for myself and realized my life is greatly improved by them. Noise canceling headphones and bluelight glasses have fixed my daily headaches. Cutting all tags from all clothing, telling my friends when my social battery dies and leaving or telling them I want to be alone for a few weeks or a month to recharge from something but that I'm free to call or text them. Making lists, finding my safe foods, and not eating things that don't make me feel great. I learned so much. High needs or low needs, ASD is ASD and we all struggle sometimes
"Who's behind the mask?" Hi, new subscriber here, love this video-thank you! - Heading over to your "Don't stop masking" next. I made it to age 55 last year before being clued in that I just might be ND. Began the research, and almost instantly recognized myself in the Autistic community, especially among the amazing creators here on TY, like yourself. (Got a "professional" diagnosis a few months ago to make it official, for the sake of any available benefits.) WOW! Was I surprised. I just always thought I was inept, weird, and unintentionally difficult. Y'all get it...
So now in the process of untangling just who TF I am! What's the difference between MY typical and NT? What parts of me are a mask, and when am I actually being my authentic self, letting my autism show? How much do I care if others criticize or shame me for showing It? Everything is being seen through new, sharper lenses, although strangely, everything seems really blurry right now.
Pretty sure re-viewing the first part of my life is gonna take the rest of my life.
Hi Lisa 👋, welcome! Thank you for sharing your experiences - I hope all is going well!
I enjoy listening you speak. Thanks for the video.
Im so glad I found your channel. Im a late diagnosis AuDHDer, and its been a long lonely, self loathing life. Your channel is awesome and makes me feel validated. Thank you 🙏
Hey Katy, welcome to the autisticats! You are not alone. And thank you for your kind words! ☺️
Still trying to find out who I am under the mask, at the moment I'm the undiagnosed mum of 3 neurodivergent kiddos and my hubby who is my best friend. Great video as always.😊
Thanks, Helen! Greetings to the family also! :)
I’ve been trying to ditch my patient care/clinical career for a decade but not until the last 2 year or so have I truly felt like I’m going to crack soon if I don’t get out. I cannot keep faking every day of my life, while still getting arbitrary criticism because *everyone* expects their individualized expectations to be met, then spending 90% of my personal time staring at a wall ruminating and unable to do anything I want to do because of burnout. I feel like an abused marionette. But I started job seeking (career change) when I was 41. Now I’m 52. Ageism is rampant in job seeking. Nobody will even interview me even though I’m more than qualified, directly or through obvious or easy to extrapolate transferable skills, to do the jobs. At the point now where I don’t know what I’m going to do when this contract is up. I CANNOT keep doing this, but the (available/offered) alternatives are poverty wage demeaning jobs I would never want to do. 😢
Virtual hug (if you like hugs!) - healthcare workers get such a poor working environment, expected to do much more with less time. I wish it were different.
@@Autistic_AF Thank you. I’ll take it! You’re absolutely right. Part of the stress is being in a clinical field where our pay is nowhere NEAR commensurate to our student loans, or the volume and quality of manual labor we have to do all day. If it were even vaguely equitable, it would take a load of stress off and might even make enduring it more worthwhile. But that won’t happen. And when did patients develop the idea that we work in a hospitality or customer service job, rather than a white collar professional job of expertise? The only way to make more money, is to see more people, and the only way to see more people is to cut down on the time (and therefore quality and quantity) of treatments we’ve determined work best. It’s insane. Plus…. there’s all the people. 😜
Hello,
I have been masking all my life.
I have been bullyied all my life and also today it goes on.
The neighbours are the worst. They shout tot me: idiot and worse words.
Also in my house has been 20 burglaries in last yrs.!!! Now I installed alarm with camera's, finally safe!!!
It is so sad that NTs never stop bullying. They go on until I die I am sure. Really: I live boring and a good life and
I am not noisy.
So those pathetic people are so mean. Don't they have their own life.? My neighbours are obsessed with me like 20 years. And there is nothing super interesting with me. I am normale but I am an aspie. So what!!! Let everybody live!!!
Thank you for a great video!!
Thanks for this video. I is so validating. I don't know how to meet people. My family is not understanding or respectful of me at all, and my best friend of 15 years from college has decided that it's too hard to be my friend (she told me that in those exact words). I'm not working (after a mental breakdown at work years ago that landed me with a diagnosis of major depression and anxiety panic disorder). I was also diagnosed with autism 3 years ago.
I go to therapy and other appointments, but otherwise I don't get out much. Most social interactions are very stressful for me that make me shut down for days, sometimes weeks. I don't know how to meet people or make friends that are understanding.
"Who's behind the mask?"
I'd really like to know. This video made me go "... Oh." and the tips you read off are all things I panic at the thought of doing.. but have always wanted to do! So much to learn and work on.
Also I wanted to say.. I like your voice and the way you articulate. It's.. idk.. calming? I like it in the same way I do Neil Gaiman's.. I love to listen to him talk/narrate and I feel the same here.. it actually holds my attention and calms me!
Hey Bobbie, oh! Haha, thank you. It helps to have a neurodiverse support group, or a friend. I find that helpful myself sometimes. You don't need to do all these things immediately, they're just (good) suggestions from Dr Devon Price! There are more, I'll go through the suggested list on Saturday.
Thank you for complimenting me - I'm struggling to accept compliments, but I'm glad you've found my presentation helpful. Take whatever you can from it! Thanks, Bobbie and for being here. -Mike
@Autistic_AF thank you~ I look forward to it.
I completely understand on the compliment thing. I struggle with that too. I work full time on the phone (somehow... I hate talking on the phone lol) and my most awkward pauses are when people compliment me.. I never know how to respond.. but I also struggle giving the compliments I want to give people so I pushed myself here. Wanted to give my honest thoughts~
@@helloimjustb honest thoughts are the best thoughts! Just FYI the book club is on Sunday not Saturday. See the pinned comment. -Mike
I would be very interested in hearing you address something I've heard nobody else even verbalize or examine. I've dubbed it the I'm With Him Syndrome. It's just one of the things that have leaped out of the murky fog into high resolution. After my own ASD discovery last April, the "movie reel" of my life has been replaying on my mind's screen through a radically new lens, isolating, highlighting and clarifying experiences I never had a word, a defining principle, for before. The Aha!'s have just cascaded incessantly and, yes, wonderfully. "So THAT'S what was happening there!" Paradoxically, all these Aha!'s have had the effect of letting myself off the hook when it comes to feelings of guilt, stupidity, interpersonal cluelessness, inappropriate blunders, etc., AND they have also let other people off the hook in my memories and feelings, too. I didn't know, and THEY didn't know. Sure, some people could have tried better with me, but I can't help feeling magnanimous toward their ignorance, since I was just as ignorant of what was really "wrong" with me. And that it wasn't really so "wrong," just seriously different. Anyway, one of the things that has come into sharp focus for me is this "I'm With Him Syndrome." What I mean by that is, I recognized a series of intense friendships along the path of my life (the "best friend ever and forever" kind of intensity) had a LOT , not all but a LOT, to do with the sense of safety these friendships provided me socially. I might not know why else I was in a particular social setting or how else to cope with the mind-jumbling input but...at least..."I'm with him." That was my ticket to feeling part of things yet without having to be totally "me." I could just be "his friend." And that made me both special, welcome, yet wonderfully off center stage. Center stage in an informal group situation is a prospect of horror to me. I can deliver a prepared speech extremely well, seemingly spontaneously, to an audience of hundreds. But a living room packed with twenty or thirty raucously chattering human beings is a miasma of cognitive chaos and panic to me. In such situations, "I'm with him" was my ticket to relative definition and self-awareness, an identity that cut through the noise. I wonder whether others on the spectrum can relate to this "'I'm With Him Syndrome"?
"Who's behind the mask?"
I would love a book signed by a cat omg haha! Just looked to book up, seems like a good book to have regardless I just wish my family could read English so I could borrow it to them too hehe!
Awwwwww - nice to see you here, Gwenx :) It's a great book. Really - probably number one must read! -Mike
@@Autistic_AF Hehe i try to catch your videos when I can! I would like to attend a livestream! Hopefully ill catch the next one :D
I'm a 30 year old male who in the last 2 years started to realize i may be autistic. I was diagnosed ADHD as a kid but really never received any help because there weren't that many tools back then. So many things didn't make sense to me when i had symptoms that didn't always match ADHD. I've only tried to start unmasking in the last year and a half. The hardest part is knowing how to interact with others. i've always found it so hard making friends and keeping them. I was always the shadow of the group if i did have friends. Once i graduated high school it felt like everyone got on a spaceship and created new lives effortlessly. I haven't had a solid friendship for close to 15 years. All i know is isolation. I don't know how else to live. I'm unemployed and struggle to find what i can do for work that doesn't burn me out. for me to want to work i have to enjoy what i do. But it always seems so far out of reach. life feels like having to put together a torn up map while everyone is using gps.
I love your house hen haha was it phoenix or felix?
"Who's behind the mask?"
Phoenix the (currently house) hen!
For those people who make fun of others for being so excited about something they do a happy dance, "fuck them" 😂🥰💜💙💫
You're the best, man.
Nah, but thanks for your kind words! -Mike
Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
Thank YOU! 🙏
@16:10 - I've encountered a few bosses who are delighted with the autistic non-acknowledgement of social hierarchy, and appreciate casual but meaningful conversation during breaks between "big boss duty". Janitorial staff have told mesimilar too. If they say the boss is cool, follow their lead!
I hate having to mask my audhd yet it keeps me safer. The world is messed up and people take advantage of people who are different. It's also incredibly sad she got trolled for being genuinely happy. That's a great thing and beautiful to see. People can be so miserable and beat others down. I prefer neurodivergant people, animals and kids.
"Who is behind the mask?" I heard that this book is good. I don't know how much I mask. The autism assessors who diagnosed me said I don't mask but I don't think that is 100% true. I think that I do sometimes.
A cat signed book would be cute! I love cats!
My thoughts exactly in 11:10 to 11:13!
"Who's Behind the mask?"
A confused gal who wants to talk about BTS, K-Pop and neurodivergence 90% of the time, does different vocal stims every hour, would listen to music 24/7 if she could, hops and walks around like a kid when being stressed OR excited XD
When you spoke about deliberately copying a popular person, I felt so seen!
I used to do this alot in school . I still have my personal model (a guy l always felt he was everything I wanted to be), and whenever I'm at loss for the adequate thing to do I still apply the "what would HE do?” tactics 😝.
How do you get the cat to sign? Paw friendly paint? Hahah awe cute! «Who’s behind the mask?»
Yes! Like this! instagram.com/p/C09PD3jMifY/?igsh=MXVndW9xaGNyc3JxeA==
Masked Me got promoted at every job she ever had within 6 months!! She also had a complete breakdown at 25, so, ya know..... pros and cons....🤔🤷♀️
Oh my goodness, Lyn! Oh no! I laughed but not in a bad way! “Pros and Cons” oh my goodness!
@Autistic_AF awesome tho! I've found, leading the life I've lived, that if I can't laugh at the sitcom-y extremes of my life, I'd cry...🤷♀️🤣😏😏😎
Who's behind the mask ! I think I will be ordering that book soon in any case 💙
"Who's behind the mask?"
I feel like my entire personnality may be AUDHD, abd that's ok, we are cool, but before that it was low self-esteem and people pleasing, and a bunch of quirks. Seeking people's approval, all the time. At least Dr. Price's suggestions made me laugh.
Not giving reasons for saying no, anticipating emotions, or being aware of my facial expressions would certainly make for an interesting way to lose my job. Perhaps those are best practiced on a day off.
"Who's behind the mask?" Well, I'm still figuring that out.
They're definitely 'in personal time' suggestions depending on where one works! :) -Mike
It just dawned on me.. Maybe i have a hard time recognising myself in images because i have been and still am masking so much.. I expect to see something else, something i am not, i don't know if it makes sense, but i rarely look at myself because i have a hard time accepting that it is me, that is how i look. I'm not sure what i am expecting me to look like though.
As my mask has been allowed to be taken off more and more i feel more okay with my image as well, i have had a better time just accepting my appearance and how i want to dress myself (band t-shirts and hoodies hehe)
Band t-shirts and hoodies are the best, Gwen! Hey - what’s your favourite band?
@@Autistic_AF Uhh hehe! I am a big fan of Rock and Metal, right now my favourite band is Electric Callboy they are a perfect mix of electronics, dance music and metal hehe :D!
My hoodies are of Sabaton, they have such good quality merch :D
Awww❤. I like chicken! Was the good night service for some in a neighborhood garden community for some time, means to clean their home and then close their stable for the night time. And in my childhood I often had contact with them, so I knew they are like other pets too.
Always wished to be able to adopt some. I cannot understand how humans are able to misstread them in egg-fabrics.
And I totally act like that woman if I am.in such overwhelming joy, was often told I appear childish and embarassing then. Don't give a fuck on it.
And if I watch something interesting in nature I also did show random other people because I just had to and didn't want them to miss it.
With the bullying at school: as a young kid I was bullied a lot. Was afraid of the breaks when I had to go outside to "play with them".
Getting a teenager I then had mostly much older friends and they were politically left "rebels".
And then arround 30 I had first time some same age friends and the older I get now I feel the people I like get often younger then me.
Paradoxically, what you described, i.e., your effort to be just like that kid who was always late to class, points up why (I think) people on the spectrum are often both remarkable and dreadful actors. Remarkable because they are very observant--you carefully noted that other boy's behavior and then you reproduced it, undoubtedly with a parody-like flair that clearly telegraphed "JOKE," in a way that (perhaps you failed to realize then and still don't realize) far exceeded what most others could have done. Of course, "JOKE" wasn't what you wanted to telegraph, except in the sense of the other kid's joke that made everybody laught--but you didn't want this whole persona you were trying on to be taken as a joke. Oh yes. Crushing humiliation. I know it piercingly vividly. Had you actually performed that "skit" AS a joke, an intentional parody, like a comedian, you would have registered the audience reaction ("They're laughing at me") very differently. It would have been a triumph (though the kid who was The Original could well have been furious at you). This is undoubtedly behind the skill of so many comedians. In that sense you were a good actor. Where you were a very bad actor was in your misguided attempt to have everybody, including yourself, believe that this was really you, "the New Me." I did quite a bit of acting in my life, and was quite good at it. I remember a friend telling me once when I was in my 20s, "Ken, you're a really bad actor." I guess my face fell. He followed up quickly, "I don't mean on stage. You're really good there. But in real life you're very bad at being something you're not."
If I unmasked, an unfiltered me would not only be more disliked I would be seen as upsetting or offensive.
One example I explained at work to a colleague.
If you had a colleague who came to you said their dad had died / how would you feel and what would you do. They said they would feel for them, have empathy for them, console them, comfort them, etc etc….
Well for me - I know what I’m supposed to do - all the above and I can say a few consoling works and it’s had for me to sound convincing. But in reality I don’t care, I can’t say with real emotion and empathy the correct words as I don’t mean them. I can’t put myself in there mind.
So if I unmasked in this situation I would come across as uncaring bordering on inconsiderate. But in reality I lack the empathy to really manage this situation.
This is the problem with masking and unmasking
Who's behind the mask?
Currently pursuing an official diagnosis. I recently sought out the autistic community when I started suspecting I might be AuDHD instead of just ADHD.
Who's behind the mask?
At first i tried out a lot of different self destructive ideas but then i thought i had come a long way toward self acceptance but now. It's a tough time. Being a mom is a lot a lot of pressure. I'm trying to figure it out, who i am. one thing about me is the writing, i always have to write or I'm not well.
Heed - yep. I know the pressure of parenting well! My son's 16 now. Writing is so important - what sort of thing do you like to write about? Do you journal? -Mike
Just find your channel and I want to say this on masking it shucks I am a super high masking person and I hate my self for it. It sadly can hurt people even if you don't mean too. 😔
Welcome to the channel! Yes, autists often get accused of having unknowingly hurt someone. -Mike
Any studies on the effect of long term poverty on us?
Touched on that in this: The Hidden Reality of Autism & Employment Struggles
ruclips.net/video/VpDFCG1dX3Y/видео.html
Hope this helps a little?
@@Autistic_AF Thanks, I've actually been trying to find my way into a role in ML for the last 2+ years. I'm just about to give up though. Maybe you might like to take on a mentee?
Love chicken happy brrrrrts. :D
Happy chicken is still inside but when the storm passes she can head out into the garden again! 🐔 ❤️
ok i got a problem here though, cos i thought that basically everyone is upholding these behaviours and trying to fit it and that because thats just how it is, is it not?
Im so grateful for your content ❤ ty
Thank you, Skeptic 🐿️! Thanks for being here :) 🧡
Who is behind the mask?🤔
No idea yet but am sure most of me is gone and not retreivable. I am 63 and recently diagnosed after the death of my only true-trust relationship in my life died. This caused a cascade collapse of my survival strategies. I have spent 47 years in pyschotherapy.
Most of my childhood revolved around "This too shall pass" and "Nothing matters"
My life as an adult was "everything is great" & cycles of holding a job for a year or 2, followed by severe bouts of depression, panic attacks and disassociative states for a year or 2. Always exhausted but forging forward with gritted teeth.
My parents made it very clear at a young age what should be done with birth defects so I have spent most of my life terrified of being found out.
Not so much lately as I am too dead inside to care.
Friends have always been a very low priority. My life revolves more around finances and survival.
My special interests are Gardening, Animal Rescue, Insects, Books, Shamanism and Dimash Qudaibergen.
Thank you for this video. I have found your channel to be one of the few Autistic channels that I vibe with.
🥰🇨🇦
Who's behind the mask. 34 just diagnosed
Congratulations, Tyler!
"Who's behind the mask?" :)
Okay, folk who don't get excited about nature are just dead inside tho. Right?
"Who's behind the mask?"