When you find a food you can eat, you eat it until you are sick of it and might never eat it again. Staying up late is also a safe time of the day when there are no demands from society.
that is so true ...no demands from anyone ...even Family. Night time is a special time for us cats , a chance to read , study , research our special subjects of interest to the greatest depth possible. ... I think more clearly at night time and the small hours but the price paid is sometimes fitful sleep and sleeping in late to recover. I wonder if other Autistic men also have particular difficulty making small talk and socialising as I do. I can talk for hours about my special interests to anyone ........but small talk ...forget it.
@@johncooper7242 I have a nephew and brother in law who share those traits regarding small talk. My nephew's entire life pretty much exists at night when everyone else is sleeping. It has been this way for years.
I benefitted a lot from going to sleep around 8 p.m. and waking up around 3 a.m. It made it easier to wind down because no matter what I'd be waking up early (5 maybe), even if it took me hours to fall asleep. Then I have that alone time in the morning time to just exist happily before the day really starts. (this is response to john cooper with the trade off of sometimes poor sleep from staying up late, just wanted to add another perspective that can potentially help)
Yes, I realize now that I put off going to sleep because it is, to say the least, the MAJOR "interruption" in my day's trajectory, the consummate pattern-shift that somehow violates "what I'm into" at the moment and, moreover, presents the threat that I won't be able to get into it again, especially if it's a particularly engrossing activity of some sort. There is this weird, irrational instinct that "if I stop doing this now (like, say, a writing project) I'll never ever be able to recover it."
I can see all of this with Chris too! Really getting into something and not wanting to stop and lose that momentum. He also feels the need to accomplish a certain amount each day or he has a hard time sleeping. So it's a hard balance sometimes for me - if I remind him before he gets engrossed in that particular activity, then he starts to get early worries about sleep and sometimes gets a little cranky. But if I let him start and then he gets interrupted, it's also frustrating for him. It goes along with something else I don’t talk much about here, but his challenges with time, like estimating how long something will take, understanding what time of the day it is, etc. (Will be sharing more on this soon in a video, so I'm glad you brought this up!) It's also a challenge for me because I'm not sure - is he starting this activity at this particular time in order to avoid going to sleep? Is it because he just doesn't know the time? One challenge is my role because I want to make sure he has the time to explore interests and do things for himself, and oftentimes, that comes in the late evenings when his brain is sometimes the clearest (but mine is already slowly shutting down 😅 ). Have you found any helpful ways to balance this out for yourself? I enjoy reading your comments because all these anecdotes help me piece together more about Chris and other autistic friends I have too.
@@ChrisandDebby the inquiries and the whole conversation helps me a lot to understand myself and how I interact with people and life in general. I really appreciate being able ti be exposed to all the different perspectives. Very helpful.
Exactly me too (not wanting to stop my interest late at night but then being tired next day). Basically not being able to turn off. Eating. Big one. I just want to get it done and MOVE ON TO MY INTEREST. Huge! I am just learning about all this myself. Also, do neurotypical people also struggle with the things above? Pillows, materials, deep intense interests, social recovery exhaustion, eating sounds annoyance, burn out, needing alone time, loner, anxiety, social conversation boredom, smells that bother, sleep issues, BRAIN ALWAY ON (sigh) etc?
I've always had this problem, but it's in a really bad phase right now. I've been getting only 2 hours of sleep (or less) each night for a couple weeks now, and I feel like my heart is going to stop. But I cant stop doing it.
I feel the most loved when I tell my partner regretfully that today is a no-touch day and he texts me a ghost hug/digital hug gif. I've legitimately teared up a couple times because he just accepts it and rolls with it when past boyfriends have gotten incredibly upset/hurt about it or even tried to force me to be okay with touching or hugging on a no touch day.
I hate losing a special interest because there is always so much more to learn(or experience) about a topic but when lose it I can't force myself to feel the drive like I used to. I still love all those things I just can't get myself to pick it back up, also it makes me feel guilty because supportive friends and family members would buy me things associated with my interests but I won't be able to truly appriciate them like I would've even a month ago.😭
I hate losing a special interest because I don't always have a new special interest and I sometimes waste so much time doing a lot of nothing because I just can't make myself do anything that I'm not very interested in (I have ADHD as well). I'm very aware that others don't share my special interests and I usually choose to not talk at all to anyone I'm not really close to. My husband and teen son are also AuDHD and our special interests don't have much overlap so we often get caught in a situation where we are all just talking at each other and not interested in what the other people are saying. My son's current special interest in tanks and the math behind how they fire, the trajectory and force and all that physics stuff. As a pacifist, I'm not only not interested, but I really don't like talking about weaponry. But more than that, I want to talk about my special interests, but nobody else in my family will listen to me (I've been really interested minimalism, which my boys are not happy with). Online forums are where I go to "talk" about my special interests and it's a decent outlet, but I still want to talk to my family about it.
i know the struggles, my family buys me things that they may have seen me so intrested in and by the time i get the gift i lose intrest, and i have to mask my self and say thanks that very thoughtful and then just leave it somewhere for the dust. But know what you mean it like being a kid again and just want that feeling back.
I've managed to successfully work around that by maintaining several interests at once and 'scheduling' them, mixed with some compartmentalization and purposeful self-distraction. (Of course by 'schedule' I mean a loose framework that works in daily needs and health concerns.) Compartmentalization is the mental exercise of mentally taking the things that would occupy my mind and putting them away into their own little mental drawers so that I can more easily put things away to deal with at a more appropriate time. That could be anything from a special interest to a worrying concern. There's a lot that can be said about it so I'll leave that up to you to look up. For multiple special interests, I just found it easier to maintain several at once than going ham on a single one. It's harder to manage time and health, and the interest gets exhausted over a shorter period of time spent. Remember the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder". Well it's true to a certain degree with interests as well. And to handle the shifts better, I keep notes. I maintain a list of the interests, document things of note that catch my attention, that I really enjoy or that I'm trying to figure out or need to look up once I'm finished with what I'm currently dealing with. I also write a bit of a conclusion when I need to end my focus session. It helps brings my thoughts on it to a close and comfortably transition to something else, summarizes my thoughts on the subject so I can more efficiently think about it later, helps me to remember what's worth remembering, and makes it easier to start up again at another date by just reading again. Not only does it make me feel like I'm picking up exactly where I left off, even a week or two later, but now I have a fresh mind and plenty of time to mull over that past focus session. It also helps that I worked a lot on how to distract myself to change my current mental direction. The short explanation is "The best way to not think about something is to think of something else", but it also includes being aware of and familiar with your own individual sense of subconscious mental priorities, as in, what does your brain consider more important? A honking car heading straight for you would certain drag your attention away from your hobby interest, but of course you don't need something so drastic to pull your mind away from something. Something of equal or slightly higher importance is enough to assert some control. For example, a reminder of the consequences if you disregard your daily health, or thinking of something else that you also find fascinating. As far as scheduling goes, I first add all the daily necessities, then in between I add in my focus sessions. I experimented with the dynamics of focus sessions to figure out how long I could last on what type of activity, what were the effects of various types of exhaustion, and what kind of balances could I achieve in order to make things eminently sustainable. And eventually I did manage to achieve that, with multiple deep projects going on simultaneously, never having a downtime of boredom or an absence of special interest. And it made my daily ADHD and autism SOOO much more manageable because whenever I needed to I could just open up my notebook or close my eyes and think about any of my projects. I'd even use that as a way to find some mental 'rest' in otherwise unpleasant and exhausting environments and situations. There was a substantial amount of knowledge, skill and experience that went into getting it all right, but I'm so thankful over what I invested to get there. It gave me such a great sense of greater control over myself.
I think a big detriment is the rapidly attainable information we have. Before all this computer shit, lol, we had to take time to look up a topic or go somewhere. It took a good week to write an essay!!! Now a person can literally look up vast amounts of information in minutes. Just Google... dinosaurs, robots, snails, sea shells ... so much information is available that the pleasure of learning is diminished. Too much of everything... except sleep!!
Been looking for more nuerotypical perspectives on autistic traits that aren't just trying to be insulting. Really good video to see how we think differently.
Thank you! That's definitely our goal is to help everyone understand both sides - it can help both sides be able to see the differences, which can be hard to understand without direct insight into it. We're working on more like these too, so hope you'll check those out in the future 😊 Let us know if there's any topics you'd like us to talk about too!
Agreed. This was a very nice take on things. I dislike when I see more sterile discussions of autism where folks seem to think autistics lack empathy when maybe it's just that we don't show it on our face as well. Or we misread a situation and aren't sure how to respond and it comes across that we do not care but that's not the truth.
🌸 So, if my brain doesn't ever seem to shut down, rehashing conversations in my head, having made up scenarios going on in my head, etc. would indicate I am neurodivergent?
"Two is company, Three is a crowd." Is the first colloquialism I understood instinctively. I saw that it was supposed to allude to romantics, but to me it was just a perfectly sensible rule for everything.
I didn’t think it was supposed to just be about romance… The whole saying is “two is company, three is a crowd” so that doesn’t indicate romance. 3 is an odd number so someone will tend to feel left out
@@ultravioletpisces3666 I don't think it's supposed to be exclusively for romance, but every time I ever saw it used it was as an easy letdown to a third wheel.
@@danzilthard.7248I've always struggled with the "third wheel" concept. I know as an adult that this means someone hanging around a couple when they aren't wanted because the couple wants some one-on-one time. But looking at the description logically, wouldn't a third wheel just stabilize a bike or whatever it is that you're using since triangles are usually good? Like a tricycle, wheelbarrow, or something else. Maybe I'm overthinking this. 🤔
@@thegracklepeckin my language this is actually called "the fifth wheel" in direct translation so i guess meaning like a backup wheel nobodys really needing
When a trusted and loved comfort food stops working for you, it can be stressful for the autistic person too. Being abandoned by ol' faithful leaves a void, not dissimilar to replaying a song over and over until it's exhausted of emotional fuel, or devouring a novel (or a series), reaching the end and feeling like you're left treading water.
Thanks for sharing this! The parallel with finishing a series is really helpful to illustrate this and is also something Chris shares - both with TV series and book series. I hadn't really thought a lot previously about the feelings associated with this finality and change. This is part of why I appreciate this community - I can keep learning how different behaviors connect and also more of what might be happening in Chris's brain. So thank you! And by the way, I read this comment to him, and he's like, "That's exactly like me! Do you remember how hard it was for me when I finished reading The Last Kingdom series?" 🙂
@@ChrisandDebby I'm glad for the community too, because I'm relatively new to understanding what makes me different from others, and still have much to learn. Happy my comment helped. Thanks for your video, and your feedback.
oh. Oh! Oh. That explains why even looking at the unfinshed (but hella expensive) dvd box of my favourite show is stressing me out so much. It's not only an "unfinished task", but also the actual lack of passion that stresses me out. Damn you, alexithymia!!
As someone who is Autistic, when I have overload, while I can't have more inputs, like talking or questions, I DO like to be with someone calming (co-regulation) and deep pressure like a weighted blanket! Being alone or with someone when distressed or overloaded varies by person and by situation. Always ask them (in advance)!
Yes, absolutely it varies so much by person, situation, and even the day (like how much sleep they have been getting, recent stress levels, etc). I also have heard from other people that sometimes things like big hugs from a trusted person can help a lot when overloaded, esp if they can be the one to initiate it. And this is great advice - asking in advance! Thanks so much for sharing this!! ❤️
@@ChrisandDebby You're welcome! I'd recommend looking into Interoception and Proprioceptive Input to learn more :) That input (like hugs, weighted blanket, other deep pressure) can be very regulating for many Autistic folks, and for me I think it's because it drowns out other less intense (than the proprioceptive input) inputs, which lead to the overload in the 1st place!
Yes! The alone time thing particularly stood out for me. When I shut down and need alone time, being asked questions and trying to be spoken to makes it last longer and leads me to extreme frustration. Asking "what's wrong" in those instances does not help me
Same for Chris with the questions, but tricky because I didn’t realize for so long. I grew up thinking it was important to talk through it or be right there and ready to “fix” the situation. It’s so helpful to learn more and realize how vital alone time can be. And our definitions of “quiet time” are also different due to different sensory preferences. So much to learn! Thanks for sharing your experiences 😊
meanwhile my audhd makes me not shutdown (or maybe i just never had the chance to) but lash out, which feels SO GOOD because then the adhd part of being impulsive gets activated (which probably triggers hormones and whatnot). I even have it on paper that I build up frustration relatively slowly, then lash out but literally three heartbeats later i am perfectly calm again. 😅 my therapist found it very interesting.
I WISH I had someone THIS understanding in my life~ super late diagnosed woman at age 50, and this really gives me Hope that there really are other compassionate people still ❤🥂💃
Thanks so much for this ❤️ and I'm glad that you found it helpful and inspiring. With your diagnosis coming pretty late, I'm sure it's been challenging throughout life to understand what was happening with you so hopefully this can also help you know you're not alone - you just have your own unique needs and ways of communicating and doing things. There are lots of amazing people out there - just need to find one amazing enough for you! 😊
Not diagnosed yet but as a 51 yr old man skilled at researching my special interests, I don’t need a professional diagnosis to know. The main angst is wondering how my choices in life might have been different had I known, but it’s a relief to finally have an answer to the questions that have plagued me my entire adult life: “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?”
Congratulations on being such a supportive wife! My husband has been really supportive too, and it is such a relief to have people like you in our lives. You have NO idea how important this is.
I have autism it is like energy and thought accumulates instead of passing through. A train of thought goes so deep and complex. I read that autistics have more localized pockets of neurons in their brain which explains their very specific interests. Neurotypicals have more strands expanding across the brain, "bigger picture" perspective. Hypersensitivity and niche interests make autistic people experts in whatever they passionately pursue. Einstein had autism. My grandpa had autism and loved to build and invent stuff. The inner workings of clocks and machines fascinated him. He looked at anything and understood how it worked. He tried to build water generated energy devices.
Sometimes being autistic can be frustrating and downright brutal, but with the right environment, we can do so much. I really enjoy talking with others who are autistic because they think in deeper ways that I understand and really appreciate.
Our inputs and pathways are underactive and overactive in different ways. Just like we can't filter noise, we can't filter our consciousness. All of this takes work to handle so makes just functional exhausting.
I'm a Big Picture person, and when I really understood the big picture, it was so overwhelming! It was like the first time I saw the Grand Canyon. I kept moving closer and closer to the edge until one of my friends grabbed me from falling into the Canyon. That's when the emmensity of the Canyon hit me, and I dropped to my knees and crawled back to the car.
Watching this/ listening to you talk about your partner, his needs and how you support him in such a loving and curious and self-evident way made me emotional! Like at no point did it seem like you think of him as a burden while also acknowledging the ways in which things can be challenging. As someone who’s only just started coming into their autistic self and staring to learn and accept myself, that’s really wonderful and encouraging to see
This is something she's clearly worked on over time and as she stated in the video she wasn't always as supportive and used to push him too much to her wants. So yeah it's not easy and you have to work on it over time. Good to forgive yourself too as long as you learn and grow
My wife Debby is my best buddy. She’s learned to make adjustments in how we communicate and live and it helps me be a better husband and a better person. I never feel judged or manipulated which is so important, especially when you’re late diagnosed and have to relearn who you are and heal from a lot of trauma. She also helps me by pointing out consistently the positive and unique aspects of how I think. I hope more people develop Debby’s understanding and patience towards us autistics. I think this is already happening!!
My husband of 35 years has similar traits to your spouse. I used to think he was ”high maintenance” when it came to eating out, being in a crowded space, etc. Many years ago when one of my daughters was diagnosed , I finally understood why she was being overly controlling in regards to her environment and schedule. I thought “Aha!” this explains my husband. It’s interesting in how my daughter and my husband get annoyed with each other even tho that are so similar!
Haha the 'controlling' bit.... I've been accused by family members of 'always having to have everything JUST SO according to how YOU want it', whereas I want to shout 'absolutely NOTHING in the world is how I want it!!' as I'm desperately trying to arrange the few things in my environment that I do have some influence over so they're predictable and safe.
As an autistic person who is older and now living alone this video is helpful to see where I have adjusted my life to accommodate my own stuff. This "window" into the perspective is really great! Thanks, Debby!
It's also amazing to hear how you've learned to adjust to your own needs - I hope more autistic people can understand that is okay and completely necessary to do! Chris and I are still working on this together too - it's hard to unlearn old habits but also very important to do
I'm relieved to see a bit of wholesome neurodiverse relationship content! You have such a good vibe about you, Chris is very lucky to a partner that's willing to learn and adapt within the relationship ❤
You have described most major characteristics of my life. I was diagnosed with AD/HD & Autistic Spectrum Disorders at the age of 39. I’m now 73 so after years of work on myself I’ve improved or figured out adaptations and adaptive behaviors. Thanks.
That's amazing to hear how you've adapted! Do you have any suggestions or things that have worked well for you? Chris and I are always trying to learn and think of ways to be more flexible and make important adjustments, and based on the comments here, it seems like there are lots of other people in this community who could benefit from this too! Would love to hear what works for you 😊
First steps for me were: 1. Learn to stop, everything, stop talking and learn to listen. Stop and reflect, pause before you do something quickly. Stop and think before you you spend money or commit to a meeting or project. 2. Write things down 3. Improve your reading skills, start reading a book, magazine or an e-book. 4. Practice conversational skills. Watch what others do when talking. Ask people what they like to do or are interested in. 5. Pick somebody you trust, even a friend to ask for advice when you are unsure about how to handle something. Copy or model some of the social mannerisms and behaviors. 6. Learn to set boundaries, the purpose of life is to live within limits. Learn deferred gratification. 7. Change takes time, lots of it. Repetition is essential, “fake it till you make it.” Changing habits takes time. Think in terms of weeks and months, not days and hours. 8. Pick an important pattern or habit you want to improve over time. Only work on learning or improving one or two patterns at a time. You should start to see improvements between 3-6 months. Don’t practice these technique for three weeks and then give up. Set your first goal to create this stuff, these patterns and behaviors for six months. Second goal 1 year. Initial patterning takes 2-3 years, sometimes longer. 9. Use lists, daily planner, calendar a lot but keep it simple 10. Repetition and rituals are your friends. If you like to put your clothes away in your special way, do it the same way all the time. If you like the kitchen a certain way, set it up and do it. For some simplifying clothing saves you time. Rituals (don’t go overboard) will make you feel safer and save you time. Re magnets are your friend. Keep to do today and grocery lists, and frequent numbers on the fridge. 11. Get a cork board and make a success wall, put notes or rewards when you have successes both little and big. You can use a dry eraser board for quick lists, especially for those you live with. 12. If you are in a relationship you could have date nights. It doesn’t have to be a big night out all the time, movie night, make dinner together, share something. 13. Alone time, we all need it. 14. Guilt free recreation. 15. Medication can often heal but not without techniques, self programming and pattern rituals creation. Remember the best weight lifting for the brain is pattern matching. Other areas money management Household tasks Children Relationships And more later D. S. Ledingham March 7, 2021
I’ve just been diagnosed at the age of 51. I feel all these things your husband does and it’s such a relief after all these years to know, or to be able to explain, my over stimulation issues and the need to reset. I’ve always been called lazy over the resetting (by ex partners especially) and the more I would try to push through and not reset, the worse I would get and I’d just want to run away and go somewhere peaceful. I still wish I had a cabin by a lake to escape to! lol But finally just knowing these are actual things that happen to other people feels like fresh air I can breathe, rather than twisting myself tighter to mask and do what ‘everyone else does’ 😊
It's so interesting you mention the cabin by a lake as an escape - that is Chris's dream too! (As long as there's forest/trees there too) I find it fascinating the spots where there are parallels with other autistic people too - helps me understand what "peace and quiet" looks and feels like a bit better. I'm glad to hear you're finding some answers, and you're right that it's so important to understand yourself and your needs, rather than what seems "normal" and what you might have been brought up to believe. Chris is still in the process of relearning a lot of this too, so we're navigating it together. The misconception of "laziness" is something I'd really like to bring more awareness to, which is part of why we are both sharing on this channel. I hope that the cultural definitions of these can shift with time, especially for neurodivergent brains, as I know ADHD can have this challenge as well. Thanks for sharing this and for being here!
@@ChrisandDebby For me, peace and quiet can be quite a few different things. Reading a book, especially late night/early morning when it's really quiet and nobody will interrupt, no phone calls, etc is crucial for me. A cabin at a lake sounds awesome, and that kind of getaway from crowds and people is great, but the cabin could be anywhere, really: by the sea (wave sounds are very soothing, plus they drown out a lot of other noises), in the bush (I'm Australian), in the mountains, or wherever. But preferably with minimal noise, few people, no crowds, and absolutely no rushing around. But still comfortable: no running water, uncomfortable beds, too hot or cold, etc - count me out.
I'm currently in the process of getting a diagnosis at 29 and your channel has been really helpful, I am realizing now that I've lived a big part of my life in an overstimulated state that made me shutdown and not want to leave my room. Thx
As the father of an HFA child and quite possibly undiagnosed kid myself let me say this material is great! This is what society needs! More understanding of the autistic spectrum will only help people relate and grow stronger relationships. Autism can be a superpower if you understand how it affects' one's life. Thank god Elon shed light on this and openly discussed his spectrum experience.
Excellent. I'm adhd and my new neighbor friend seems to have autism. Fortunately I had read a little bit about it before meeting him. He's very regimented by the clock though he's retired. And I had a very very rough time with any communucarion with him. But i persevered for literally (6) months and I feel we.finally got there to a comfort level. This is exactly what I needed to know in dealing with him. Actually its the best autism video that I've seen. i think at first I overwhelmed him with my adhd chattiness. And then i learned his personal regimented daily schedule. At first i dont think he really wanted to talk. But he seems to have figured out that we cant be friends if we dont even talk. I dealt with my not understanding on those days he seemed to back off. Much less of those days now. I thougjt he didnt like me but at most it would last 2 days. So yeah, long story. He's a good musician too. 😊
I'm so glad you found this helpful! Sounds like your neighbor should be appreciative too - and I can understand that you might have overwhelmed him at first, but I bet he's also seeing your adjustments over time. It's wonderful how you're making adjustments to help the relationship too - I think this is the best way to help any autistic people out there is to be understanding and willing to adjust! Thanks for sharing this ❤️
I would love to see a companion video about the strengths of autism in a relationship! There's a definite stigma that autists are not good "relationship material" and I think you could really go a long way toward debunking it. As a mom and sibling of some AuDHD'ers, I can say that they love with an intensity and focus that is amazing. And the honesty and authenticity of their communication and feelings is so healthy in a relationship! We talk a lot about the intense emotions in a negative way, but we forget to remind people that the positive emotions are also passionate and powerful. And I love getting to see the world through their super senses, it's so much more in every way! Lots of people are commenting on your patience and understanding, which is great, but I'd love for you to explain to them what you get out of the relationship as well.
This is a fantastic idea for a video! There’s too many things I love to include in just one video, but I will give this some time and thought. Thank you for your suggestion!
Totaly agree our tendency to communicate directly and ask for clarification instead of assuming is pretty much what couple therapists try to teach their clients!!! I probably could not deal with a romantic relationship, but I am an amazing close friend with my communicayion skill and usually my advice is sought in cases of misscimunication. In a way, it is neurotypicals who are disordered, when it comes to verbal communication.... Every strangth is a weakness and the other way around. My friends can always trust my judgment to be honest and comparably objective, I am good at taking another peoples perspectiv into considerstion..... Psychology and human interactions are a special interest of minel. There is a lot of value in different oersoective if we(humans) could get over the tendency to equate different with bad or invalidating the other.
Thanks. So very informative. I am 63 years old and have recently been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I am going to try and present this enlightening video to my wife, despite the fact I am a Speech Pathologist, I have not been able to communicate to my wife what you have, in this presentation. Thanks again. Chris and Debbie are awesome. ❤
Today was a big day for me, my ASD assessment. Now I know for sure that I am a 57 year old with autism so I’m not weird just a bit different. This video is brilliant and I’ll definitely share it with my husband. Thanks so much for all your videos xxx
As an adult-diagnosed 65yo autist in a successful relationship, I say well done. Sounds like Chris is lucky to have you. I stopped using the term “special interests.” It seems okay for a child (isn’t that special!) but not an adult. I speak instead of my “fascinations.” Luckily, my spouse’s life’s work (therapist and counselor) dovetails nicely with my primary and lifelong fascination, which is human behavior, psychology, emotional motivation, etc (adopted, no doubt, as a matter of survival.) we actually now work as a team with other couples and with groups. Kudos to you both for doing the inner and outer work of figuring this all out. You inspire me and gladden my day. ❤️
What I've found with food for me is that I made it a special interest of mine. I went vegan for a while for health reasons and had to try new things. I enjoy new foods but I do need specific textures. I research recipes and cooking techniques and have books on food preparation. Also having a garden for fresh foods that I enjoy helps. Now I can get my reset time in by cooking alone and gardening. This all led me to expand my palate and focus on nutrition as an interest.
This sounds like Chris's dream! We would love to have a big garden later and space for him to relax and cook and be outside in the garden or greenhouse whenever he wants. Love how you adapted to your own needs by focusing on nutrition and what works best for your palate 😊 any plans to make a cookbook with food ideas designed for the discerning autistic palate?
@@ChrisandDebby Gardening (native plants to support pollinators) is one of my keys to survival. I'm going through withdrawal now that winter is approaching...
Chris is lucky to have found a partner who is so supportive and I LOVE your videos. Please keep them coming…BUT…can you please do a video on how you are supported as well? As his spouse I hear you making tons of compromises and accommodations for his autism. How do you maintain your own space for your needs as well?
Thanks so much for the nice comment! And this is a great idea for a video - I (Debby) will add it to my list. I also try to include some info on things I know Chris does as well to support me, but you’re right that a video about self-care might be helpful. Thanks for the suggestion! (And keep them coming!) Are you a supporter of someone autistic? I’m interested in also learning what might work for other couples or families! Feel free to share too 😊 Thanks again for being here - really appreciated this!
You have no idea what a treasure you are - with your willful openness to get inside this, see the person, and understand the differences between what is a trait and how that works within the person on spectrum - is amazing. Autism rules you whether you want it to or not - so finding a way to make peace with it - accept it - and move into a place of mutual harmony is such a treasure. thanks for sharing your story and being vulnerable to whole world sharing your strength, experience and hope.
Debby, you talk in such a calming way. I watched this while recovering from a meltdown, and it unexpectedly really helped. Thank you. I think it’s the way you have not only understanding, but an acceptance that borders on appreciation. It’s really nice to see that.
Watching this I got kinda uncomfortable. I feel like if someone is in a relationship with me, she’ll have to deal with so many oddities and adjust to so many things compared to if she was with someone non-autistic…. Is it normal to feel this way?
I feel the same. I like the idea of a relationship, but I often feel I'll be an unnecessary burden, especially when there is almost certainly someone better out there than me. I'm a struggle enough for myself to deal with😂. But idk. There may be circumstances and relationships out there that are just right, where my strengths and weaknesses compliment someone else's. The conclusion I've come to is that I'll learn to and prepare to be a perfectly happy single, but I won't completely throw out the idea of a relationship. If a good one comes along, I'll try and be brave enough to give it a go... idk tho. We'll see. For now, my pets are plenty of company😅
I want to add another perspective and this comes from my neurotypical wife of 30 years. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. There are plenty of neurotypical folks who have major character flaws. My neurotypical wife sees my strengths and understands my weaknesses. When my psychologist finally diagnosed my autism it made our marriage stronger because my wife now felt even stronger that my weaknesses were actually baked into my wiring and not willful actions on my part. It also helped me be more accommodating of myself. I was no longer being “anti-social,” I was “regulating” the chaos. Many of the things described by Debby here are exactly experiences that my wife and I have faced. But you adapt. Thats really what marriage is about. I am grateful that I have a neurotypical wife because our children have the opportunity to understand me better through her eyes and I can see how my communication can affect my relationship with my kids. People have agency. Don’t dismiss an neurotypical wanting to be in a relationship with you. They are seeing something that makes them feel confident and happy to be with you. Just remember to be open and communicate as challenges arise.
I think love transcends all that stuff if you've found the right person and have good communication and respect between you. There's also the possibility of finding love with someone who is neurodivergent themselves and has a greater capacity to understand. For my partner and I, some of the things mentioned in this video are just second nature. But even if it's not a love/romantic relationship, I think it can be easy to have a lot of great qualities and take them for granted. but that's what others like about you and for them it's worth the effort to learn how to get along with you. We all have strengths, might be loyalty, intelligence or creativity and so on. Videos filled with 'problems' are never going to make us feel great. Remember your strengths 💜
Debby, you are so patient and caring and clearly you do a lot to accommodate Chris. I wonder if you can share anything about how Chris understand and respects your needs? I wish my spouse would watch this to understand me and our autistic child a little more ... so much of this is relatable for both of us. 😉 We also travel with our own pillows and sometimes even sheets.
I've tried to get better at feeling comfortable at social places like bars etc, but I can't seem to ever really enjoy such things. There's rare moments where if I'm really buzzed I'll be comfortable if I find someone to rant about the occult,meditation and such and am able to lose myself in the conversation. Otherwise I'm so restless and pacing around and feel so awkward and out of place. The only way to get over the anxiety is sitting crosslegged or some comforting way and closing my eyes and meditate. But then I feel like people are watching me and thinking something is wrong with me and have a hard time relaxing because the possibility of someone coming up and saying something right when I'm getting calm could shatter my nerves and make me feel even worse. I feel like I've become so used to masking and not doing anything that will lead to possible extra stress over the years. Though better at trying to just be natural now. My best friend didnt believe that I'm that messed up until I told him how if I'm really pushed I've done things like shriek like a banshee or hit myself. I'm thinking it's not just social anxiety because it has never gotten any better over years of pushing myself. I heard that if something is anxiety you can train yourself to be more comfortable in situations... Not sure how true that is. I feel like from pushing myself so hard to overcome things that I've burnt myself out and now I'm so on edge in public with a bunch of paranoia that has gotten worse after trying to see if I'd get better. I've been more of a hermit now and hopefully I didnt mess myself up for too long. One thing I noticed is that I get super anxious if I ever sit normally in a chair. I have to be sitting crosslegged or on top of one leg.
As a kid I always "climbed the wall" with my legs when sleeping. I move a lot in sleep and prefer heavy covers. Never adapted to being in crowded social situations. It is too over-stimulating to be in a crowd.
Thank you for showing so much compassion in this video. I’m autistic and relate to a lot of these things and you worded them better than I ever have. It was also interesting to hear about autism from the perspective of someone who is not autistic. I’m often curious about how our worlds differ, so this was a really enjoyable video. I will be sending this to my loved ones - I think my mum would enjoy hearing from another neurotypical and it would benefit my friends, both autistic and not. Thank you for this video!
I was going to add for neurotypical watching this how critical crowd noise is. My wife actually tells me to put on noise cancelling headphones in airports when we travel. She can see me starting to elevate before I’m aware of it. I turn on foo fighters as loud as I can and it’s total therapy. Then she bought me noise cancelling AirPods so it’s even less obvious. It’s been a game changer for travel along with TSA precheck.
Thanks for keeping that end clip. That's me. I do that all the time. So focused on what I'm doing and my plan, that I miss any sign, or slow process signs and have to keep going, and am frequently interrupting what someone is doing. Thank you for including it. It was nice to see your smile and appreciation.
Tail end of last year I was told by two different Physicians that they believe I am autistic. As an AFAB person the level of masking that I’ve been doing most of my life to the benefit of others has caused me to develop very intense long lasting depression, anxiety and panic disorder. It’s been so mentally taxing that I’ve almost attempted a couple of times due to how incredibly stressful it had become. I was always trying to make sure that I looked like the “go with the flow” type of person anywhere I went bc I felt like that was the best way to keep people in my life and not alienate myself… it really really impacted me in such a negative way. I relate so much to this video and I’m glad even at 32 that I’m finally finding my way and being my authentic self.
I know what you mean when you describe the effects of masking for most of your life. It’s a lot of trauma you have to understand and work through. Although many people won’t understand the incredible challenges you’ve had to face, some will. I love hearing that you can now be your authentic self. Good for you!! Keep on learning and thanks so much for being here.
I'm so very appreciative for this video! As a late-diagnosed autistic human, there are a lot of things I've had to learn about and accept in myself. So many of the things that those of us with autism beat ourselves up over or shame ourselves for are many of the things you've discovered, discussed, and seem very accepting of! This was a fantastic perspective to hear, not only as someone on the other side of the autism experience, but also as a tool to share with those who are close to me! Thank you for this! I Can't tell you how quickly I added this to my autism playlist!
That's so interesting! Have you tried asking the restaurant for a separate plate if this happens? Chris doesn't seem to have this exact issue, but he does feel strongly about the glasses that certain drinks come in. But once he realized how strongly he felt, we will request that the drink comes in a glass he likes (i.e. putting a cocktail in a rocks glass instead of anything with a stem - he does not like martini glasses or ones with thin stems at all). Seems to help but it's also hard to always remember to ask for this!
What a great video. Very educational for me as a late life diagnosed autistic adult, but also so cool to see a spouse who really understands and has taken the time and effort to educate themselves about autism. Very cool 👍😎
Thank you for making this. It was very compassionate and understanding, and it's nice to see allistics who have the capacity and willingness to understand and accommodate our differences.
Thanks for this suggestion and for watching! I'll give some thought to this for a future video - you're right that it has the potential to be complicated. I think the best quote I have learned along the way was something to the effect of "autism is an explanation, not an excuse." I'm lucky that Chris tries his best to make sure he thinks about his needs but also the impacts for me and our relationship. He works at things to help us both too, such as how to improve communication together. All relationships take work and involve certain compromise and understanding from both sides, but having one with very different needs due to very different neurologies can add another layer to that, for sure! Thanks again for this great idea - let us know if you have other questions or suggestions for videos you'd like to see 😊
Thanks, both of you. I only got diagnosed when I went back to college at 38. Re-learning habits and processes with all the research that has blossomed since the 1980s/90s is making my life feel so much more... possible. I wish I had a Debby in my world!
Learning about my autism for the first time at 40, and i cant tell you how helpful your videos have been. This one especially is needed as, seeing ourselves from the outside is difficult, at the bestof times. Checked off everything on this list. And only wished i had this information sooner. 🙏
This is pretty much spot on from my experience, being autistic, so, looking from the other side. Thank you so much for sharing the awareness. I’m now almost 50, it was a long, challenging road being late diagnosed. ❤ thank you for being so patient.
I’m autistic and one thing I’ve noticed is I don’t like talking about being upset or being around people in the moment, but I do like to share my reflections after the moment has passed. But maybe that’s because I have an interest in understanding psychology and like to explain to people the process of how different factors caused the upset.
I've just stumbled on your channel and have been watching a bunch of your videos. This one needs to be a series!! Please, more info like this of you can. My husband of 23 years is undiagnosed, but we're almost sure he is high on the spectrum after doing research. So much of this makes sense and relieves me as a wife that observes these behaviors every day. I remember one time I was trying to express feelings I was having, and he kept trying to 'solve the problem and move on' (his words). At the moment it felt very personal and cold. He wouldn't even look at me, instead he was in the pantry sorting the spices 'correctly'. I can laugh about it now, especially because with the big picture it makes SO much sense! As helpful as it is to hear Mr. Chris' side, this kind of content from Miss Debbie is very helpful to a 44yr old wife who just wants to understand things her husband can't vocalize himself. Thank you so much ❤
Having special interests that you dive super deep into and then you switch to something else is very relatable. I don't have the official ADHD diagnosis but I do have the official autism diagnosis as an adult female. The place that did the assessment did not assess me for ADHD because they just didn't do those (which I found kind of interesting since they both can go hand in hand). But I'm 99% sure that's why I jump around with my special interests (auDHD). I've got all of the sensory issues and all of the other things that very much label me as autistic. I don't struggle as badly with social settings as an adult now but I do remember as a child it was very hard. My main issues are executive dysfunction and overwhelm because of sensory stimuli. Everything is just so much more exhausting when you can't filter out noises well or other sensations. I am able to be spontaneous when it is on my terms and the ADHD aspect takes over but it's very much here and there and I still need a lot of recharge time after. Also I don't sleep well- I never have. So I can sleep for 9 or 10 hours and feel like maybe I rested but it's unlikely that I will feel ok with less than that. Also I think I have some other health conditions that may be playing into that so I'm not sure it's entirely an autism thing but I do find it very difficult to wind down and to stay asleep. Being prone to stomach issues as well, comfort food is important. Texture issues and flavor issues make eating difficult. I take a multivitamin every day to try and help get any nutrients that I'm not necessarily getting regularly because of my diet. As it is, making food regularly is complicated and takes a lot of mental effort for me. Eating out can be challenging as well because of noise. And since I don't regulate my body temperature well, likely due to EDS and POTs which contribute to some of this, sometimes I go places and it's really hard for me to be comfortable. And it's really not fun to feel ill when you're out somewhere trying to people. Agree with Chris on the crowd thing too. I don't want to feel trapped or like I can't escape if needed. I like spaces where I can interact if I want or I can back off from people and still relax some if I want. And I go through sensory seeking moments and sensory avoidant moments. It waxes and wanes. Some days I want ALL the colors and movement and upbeat songs, other days I go out of my way to not speak much and to withdraw and relax. I don't know of any other autistics feel this way but often speaking audibly uses a lot more energy than writing something down/texting.
Spot on! I get a lot of push-back for not wanting to eat out. In fact, I'd rather spend all day cooking what I like (even though we had it YESTERDAY) than go to a restaurant. If I do go out, it really needs to be a place I'm VERY familiar with. I wish my parents had known about my autism 60 years ago. My life would have been very different.
Thank you for this one! There were so many points that I was 'Oh yes! ... That's me!' What I really love is your observations and accommodations. We have to work together and it goes both ways, but being open and talking about this helps so much.
I’d say all these habits exist in non autistic people but autistic people are more sensitive to things others don’t notice so they stress certain points more.
So glad you found this helpful! We will be adding more soon for autistic supporters - and your daughter is lucky to have someone learning to understand her ❤️ thanks for being here!
This is a great video ❤ you really impressed me with your understanding. Not every autistic person is exactly the same, but many of us relate with these scenarios. I'm AuDHD myself, and I can totally relate with the needing routine, craving variety (and often getting burned by venturing out, which strengthens my need for sameness). I know I am not exciting to hang out with in conventional ways, I warn people about that, but I can occasionally surprise people who know me 😊
Fantastic video, thank you so much, it's videos like these that help my wife and I better understand the fluid dynamics of my autism in a relationship setting.
Im someone who has only just discovered im autistic and being single thought this video maybe something i cant relate to. Actually really liked how much information about autism and autistic people. I hope that one day i find someone who cares for me as much as you two care for eachother.
I fall asleep pretty easy the challenge is staying asleep. I wake up a dozen times a night, but at least once a week I'll be awake for a couple hours before I can sleep again. But I totally get all of the behaviors you've mentioned.
Yes, Chris also has a hard time staying asleep (and falling asleep too). Have you found anything that helps with sleep? Chris has adjusted things like not drinking water late (or else he's up multiple times in the night to go to the bathroom), reducing screen time, meditation, quiet and cool space, etc. but many days, not a lot works aside from major adjustments to environment and schedule (which isn't always possible), or just doing a lot during the day to tire him out more. That's rough if you wake up a lot and if this keeps you up for a long time when you wake up - I'm trying to learn more about this too, especially how to adjust the environment and how to help settle Chris's very active brain. A lot of the resources I have found unfortunately seem to be written by people who are not autistic, so I haven't found a lot of helpful information for what to try for an autistic brain. That's where a lot of meditation, screen time changes, quieter stimulus-free areas, etc. are the main pieces of advice, but it also doesn't always work. We're currently working on collecting resources and information from autistic people to help everyone in the community understand what alternatives might help, as well as documenting what helps for Chris too. There's been a couple podcasts from AuDHD therapists that were helpful for both of us in terms of reframing our perspective on what to expect for Chris's sleep, but not a lot on what can actually help, so it's sometimes a lot of trial and error. Thanks for watching and your comments!
@ChrisandDebby Oh boy, bear with me. I've been using trial and error for about 5 years now to get to where I am. A lot of what I've found may not work for everyone. Routine is a big important part of mine. I have a specific bedtime routine I perform every night at the same time (not always possible but I try). I'll perform the routine even if my body isn't in the ready to sleep state. I have a certain sensation, I don't know how to explain it, but it's instant like a light bulb turning on, when it's time to go to sleep. I have about 20 mins before I lose that. So I need to drop everything when the sensation of "I can sleep now" happens. If I miss the window I have to do something until it can trigger again. I'm big on scented candles and I have two specific scents I will only ever burn around bed time. I'll never light that scent at another time of day. So my body associates that scent with sleep. I don't drink caffeine within 2 hours of bed time. I can sleep, but it will be restless if I have caffeine. I'm a big gamer, so I have some low energy drop in drop out games I'll play while waiting for the sleep sensation. Something that helped early on is I would listen to focus sounds, rainfall in a forest was one of my big helpers. Room temp has to be in a specific range for me, too hot or cold and I can't sleep. I need fans turned off, moving air will cause restless sleep for me. My phone automatically goes into night mode turning on do not disturb (certain numbers can still call through) but it also sets the screen to a warmer color. Leading up to bed I'll switch to warmer lighting in the room I'm in. Maybe a candle or lamps with warm bulbs. Around the same time I tried focus sounds I also would do sort of meditative things, but while in bed. I'd do my best to empty my mind and I would time it with breathing exercises. Empty a little with each breath. What worked best for me was very slow even breathing. Slow breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 and breathe out over 4 seconds. A few repeats of that I'd feel my body sinking towards sleep. I realize those last few are the generic things you see online and you've probably already tried them. I found my ready to sleep sensation more reliable. I found that my routine, scented candles and being aware of my internal sleep mode (it took years to figure out how to read it) are the biggest helps in falling asleep fast. Even with all of this there are times where I'm stressed out and I won't be able to sleep for several hours. Last night I slept almost immediately, but according to my sleep tracker I woke up 7 times, most for less than 5 mins. One of them I woke at 1am and I couldn't sleep again so I had to wait for the body's ready to sleep signal to trigger again which happened just before 3.
I've been noticing I can't sleep until I know my husband is asleep and I hear those first snores. Before then I have this strong urge to just chat about every thought I'm having, which will keep both of us up late (that was the early days of be married lol) so I started playing brown noise or rain sounds for sleep which kinda helps with quieting my racing thoughts. He'll fall asleep because I'm not chatty, I'll fall asleep because he's asleep. I'll wake up a bunch of times, but I'll fall back asleep as long as the sound is going. Melatonin 10mg and 5htp help me stay asleep for longer and fewer times waking up.
For me I like to listen to a RUclips channel to help go to sleep. It's just someone answering questions from viewers about previous videos. His voice is soothing and helps my brain focus on just one thing. But still wake up during the night.
PLEASE make an awareness-video that a lot of ASD-people are night owls. I'm tired of "professionals" not knowing _anything_ about that. They never ask _anything,_ they just claim to know it better per se while not knowing _anything at all_ about autism _in depth!_ Shockingly, this is also true for many people working in the field of psychology. I can't sleep simply because I lie down, I will just stare at the ceiling for hours before I start to nap a bit, never entering a slow-wave sleep phase and therefore being dead tired in the morning. Sucks the happiness out of your very soul if you are forced to ignore your bodies best times. You're never alive, you just _exist!_ How is that hard to get?
Oooooh that anxiety about morning appointments! I'm an AuDHDer and I'm pretty sure I have delayed sleep phase syndrome, so early mornings are tough anyway, and I never schedule anything earlier than about 10am for that reason, but even so, sometimes I just cannot sleep AT ALL because I know there's something important and my brain seems to think "if we sleep we might not wake up, so we should STAY UP ALL NIGHT." This happened the other day when I slept for about 2hrs, then woke up with my brain insisting on strategizing a planned trip to Costco with my partner the next day in Great Detail, and then of course the longer I couldn't sleep, the more my brain needed to generate all the possible scenarios for getting food and how I'd handle them, so even though I eventually decided to skip the trip by 9am I hadn't fallen asleep anyway and ended up doing a very bleary Costco trip and then being useless all day 😂 😂 Empathy for your husband!
I'm French and it's so difficult in France to meet someone without being on a Cafe or restaurant! It's feel like people can't meet or talk if they're not in front of food or coffee if they're not smoking. And French rarely know anything about autism even if that evolve very slowly. So sometimes I feel like France is not autistics friendly at all : we have to do "la bise" even to strangers sometimes, understand when we need to use formal or informal pronoun, degree in vocabulary too, wearing nice clothes everyday even if that's inconfortable, walking a LOT in complexe or crowd streets even when we use a car etc... And they're a lot of stuff you can't do too, like eating your own food or go with your dog in public place, inside library, attraction park, cinema, but also beach or some parc etc Here, just wearing a hat or sunglasses can be judge really badly in some context, so even when they know you're autistic they can't really accept it sometimes, cause in our culture it's all about being respectful to others by following social rules, not accepting that people can be different without being disrespectful. Sometimes I wonder what's the matter for autistic in others cultures in comparison.
Similar in Ukraine. People know about autism, usually some younger people do. But older people lump all differences in mentality, psychological, and neurological together and just think we're all "slow" or " insane" which is just awful for everyone experiencing something and it is hard to get help, and most people have a big fear of reaching out because of this reason. This mostly stems from government gaslighting in soviet times, mental institutions were one place to send "inconvenient" people. Things also change slowly, but getting better. I live in the USA and everyone is marching to the beat of their own drum, so it is a lot easier on us experiencing autism. Wearing hats and glasses will not be strange unless you are in an office or church, maybe.
Yes, definitely agree that the culture makes a HUGE difference! We currently live in East Asia and have spent a lot of time overseas in different countries, and the variance in terms of "autism friendliness" is massive. All the things you mentioned would be really challenging for many autistic people, but if they are cultural expectations, how do you navigate that? For example, Chris does not like hugs most of the time, so it can be hard in certain parts of the US where hugs might be a common greeting, especially for family, even if you don't know each other well. What you mentioned about it being the norm to meet in a cafe or restaurant is also common where we live, so it's challenging (but possible) to get friends to understand that a lot of the time, it's just not an option. One thing that Chris has begun explaining that somehow seems easier is that he has stomach issues and lots of food sensitivities, so he can't go out to eat. Most friends are okay then just meeting somewhere like our office, which helps Chris a lot to have a space he can control better with temperature, sounds, and other things related to the environment. Have you been able to try any adjustments like this? Would be interested to hear how you navigate adjustments in France too!
@@ПаніПончик one of our goals for sharing our experiences is to hopefully help lots of cultures better understand that these stereotypes are very outdated, and actually a lot of autistic people are very capable. This also connects to exactly why many adults weren't diagnosed as kids because they got good at masking and also because the ideas of what autism looks like have changed so much. Thanks for sharing this too - very interesting to learn about how things vary around the world, and it's good to hear that where you live in the US helps to accommodate you better!
It was difficult visiting Germany with this as well. I was trying to explain to my in-laws about my autism diagnosis and they did not really understand what it meant. Adding that I am deathly allergic to cigarette smoke and it was quite the experience. 😅 I had to wear a mask most places outside because I kept having asthma attacks.
Wow you really nailed this one. Describes me except for not liking restaurants. Although I will say - I need to go to the SAME restaurants over and over and over and over. I am very very picky. I dislike going to new ones unless I am out of town, and there are some types of food that I cannot stand and can never eat no matter what.
Thank you. I came across your channel on Chris’ food video. As a step father of a 28 year old “highly functioning autistic” who lives with my wife and me for the past eight years, I saw signs, but did not understand. As I came across more RUclips videos on autism, I kinda understood and accept now. What concerns me with my stepson is when he does something, he’s focused on that task, but forgets to pickup the trash after him in the kitchen for example. One big one is locking the front door after he does throw out the trash. My wife (his mother) thinks he can rule the world, always upbeat and tooting his horn. I want to get him to fine tune certain things so he might be able to Iive with himself and be self sufficient. Another recent incident was when he drove (yes he drives and sometimes it scares me) to the transit station and parked to take light rail to work (yes he works part time) he had prepaid for parking on an app. Well, he entered the license plate wrong on the app and when the security person scanned his code, no. He was directed to park and pay at the pay station. He parked in the wrong section and paid and still got a parking ticket. I wanted to walk him through before doing this but his mom said he got it. Well, he got the ticket, hehe. He’s had about seven jobs since he’s lived with us and has been let go four times, quit the others encouraged by his mom. After seeing this video, I think his mom is an undiagnosed autistic. I’m just concerned that we can’t take long trips because the home won’t be standing when we get back, Thank you for your channel and videos.
Dang I’m 33 and this is the first time heavily considering the fact I could be autistic. I relate heavily with every characteristic that was mentioned. Thank you
Most of the things you covered, fit me to a tee and others were not quite as tight a fit. The sleep, the social situations, and those certain subjects that I am stuck on. I do not know what to say and who to say it to in social settings with a group of people. Those stood out for me, but most of it was like a fit, as if though you were describing me. Nicely put together and thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this! And yes, like you mentioned, autism can look different for everyone but I’m glad you found it useful still. Always fascinates me to hear about all the similarities and differences within this community 😊
This is the 1st time that I see you on the channel ❣️❣️❣️. You and him have given me hope that my oldest son might get married someday. He is at this time 31.
WOW, I just can't thank you both enough!!! This video really gives me hope, silly as that may sound. I've recently self diagnosed myself as AuDHD and it's been a wild adjustment for someone in her late 40s... So happy to have found you!
So glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks for being here - really loved reading this message and hope your journey into better understanding yourself is going well ❤
This video has been extremely helpful. I think my veteran husband has been misdiagnosed and might be autistic. Every single thing shes mentioned has been my experience. I feel bad now because I really feel like he's been misdiagnosed. He has ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar and schizoaffective. I think he's PTSD, ADHD and Autistic. Gonna look into this more. Thank you
My person is long distance. After much communication trial and error, he'll now tell me he needs "to be gone" meaning he needs no contact to reset. He used to just ghost for like a week, sometimes more. I didn't know to not text/share life with him. Now that I know, I stay no contact but the reset period is more about 24-48 hours and not 7-10 business days.
I can understand a club/bar, but why do restaurants & coffee shops have loud music? I don’t get why all these “social” environments actively work against having conversations 😤. I usually prefer smoking area’s because of this, it’s just a shame about the smoking/vaping & cold part 🙈
I really appreciate this video. I have autism, but my daughter does also; she was diagnosed first. I've always tried to let her do things on her terms (when we have that luxury), but this video is good tips for helping me remember I'm not the only one who can't handle outings and can't fall asleep at night.
I found that picknicks work well for our family. We take our favourite foods, something special or even a take out, and sit in a park in a nice setting, with a nice view etc. It's different to home, but not overstimulating.
I was brought to tears during the food segment because, as I’ve had to work from home for the last 4+ years, it’s been almost impossible to properly feed myself. I’ve relied heavily on DoorDash and grocery delivery services. It’s so easy and so enabling. I feel such shame but also, like, I need food right? 😣
This video is really precious, as it confirms me many intuitions I am having and provides practical advices on how to behave with a beloved one. Thanks so much 🙏
We have our own rooms for sleep and then try to take naps together to cuddle and enjoy having a lie down. We always try to have a “dive bed” if we try to make it thru a whole night together. Thx for this - very complete and loving.
The sleep issue has been my worst struggle. At one point I would just sob when it was time to sleep and I got in bed, and spent almost all my waking hours screaming in my head from all the stress and frustration. The short term, long term and permanent health problems it caused... I wish I had known earlier I was autistic, what that meant, and had healthy ways to deal with it. For those still struggling with coping, here's my method: foam earplugs meant for industrial jobs, and playing static noise very loud near my head as a noise screen. Typically the volume where my head is is over the safe limit established by OSHA, but the earplugs reduce it to well under the safe limit. It's jarring at first being such loud noise but the brain quickly gets used to it and tunes it out as background noise. After spending so long with severe noise sensitivity I've learned that it's sudden spikes and changes in noise intensity that are the worst and trigger those very uncomfortable and sometimes even painful alarm responses. A loud but constant sound profile, on the other hand, causes zero alarm response. As such, I looked for sound tracks with the widest bandwidth of noise that maintained a consistent profile the whole way through and finally found some 8hour+ soundtracks of brown noise. The deeper frequencies helped to cancel and cover up a lot of the sounds that propagate the most, including heavy steps and closing doors/cupboards/etc reverbing through the building structures if the noise screen is deep enough. Having a subwoofer helped a lot. Another option to use as an alternative or addition are foam noise baffles. You can buy foam of all kinds of sizes and consistency from thefoamfactory. They have stuff shaped specifically for sound absorption but you can also cut your own some some relatively cheap tools. I'd suggest making a kind of box shape (4 walls) that you can place over your head and goes midway down the torso, with enough space for air circulation. Remember to point the triangular/wave pattern shapes AWAY from you as it's those shapes that disperse and absorb sound.
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When you find a food you can eat, you eat it until you are sick of it and might never eat it again. Staying up late is also a safe time of the day when there are no demands from society.
that is so true ...no demands from anyone ...even Family. Night time is a special time for us cats , a chance to read , study , research our special subjects of interest to the greatest depth possible. ... I think more clearly at night time and the small hours but the price paid is sometimes fitful sleep and sleeping in late to recover.
I wonder if other Autistic men also have particular difficulty making small talk and socialising as I do. I can talk for hours about my special interests to anyone ........but small talk ...forget it.
@@johncooper7242 I have a nephew and brother in law who share those traits regarding small talk. My nephew's entire life pretty much exists at night when everyone else is sleeping. It has been this way for years.
I benefitted a lot from going to sleep around 8 p.m. and waking up around 3 a.m.
It made it easier to wind down because no matter what I'd be waking up early (5 maybe), even if it took me hours to fall asleep. Then I have that alone time in the morning time to just exist happily before the day really starts.
(this is response to john cooper with the trade off of sometimes poor sleep from staying up late, just wanted to add another perspective that can potentially help)
@@wolfxlover Nice. I always liked the early mornings too when I was younger. Late nights early mornings. Now it's late nights late mornings. LOL
I like nighttime so much better than daytime too.
Yes, I realize now that I put off going to sleep because it is, to say the least, the MAJOR "interruption" in my day's trajectory, the consummate pattern-shift that somehow violates "what I'm into" at the moment and, moreover, presents the threat that I won't be able to get into it again, especially if it's a particularly engrossing activity of some sort. There is this weird, irrational instinct that "if I stop doing this now (like, say, a writing project) I'll never ever be able to recover it."
I can see all of this with Chris too! Really getting into something and not wanting to stop and lose that momentum. He also feels the need to accomplish a certain amount each day or he has a hard time sleeping.
So it's a hard balance sometimes for me - if I remind him before he gets engrossed in that particular activity, then he starts to get early worries about sleep and sometimes gets a little cranky. But if I let him start and then he gets interrupted, it's also frustrating for him. It goes along with something else I don’t talk much about here, but his challenges with time, like estimating how long something will take, understanding what time of the day it is, etc. (Will be sharing more on this soon in a video, so I'm glad you brought this up!)
It's also a challenge for me because I'm not sure - is he starting this activity at this particular time in order to avoid going to sleep? Is it because he just doesn't know the time? One challenge is my role because I want to make sure he has the time to explore interests and do things for himself, and oftentimes, that comes in the late evenings when his brain is sometimes the clearest (but mine is already slowly shutting down 😅 ).
Have you found any helpful ways to balance this out for yourself? I enjoy reading your comments because all these anecdotes help me piece together more about Chris and other autistic friends I have too.
@@ChrisandDebby the inquiries and the whole conversation helps me a lot to understand myself and how I interact with people and life in general. I really appreciate being able ti be exposed to all the different perspectives. Very helpful.
Exactly me too (not wanting to stop my interest late at night but then being tired next day). Basically not being able to turn off. Eating. Big one. I just want to get it done and MOVE ON TO MY INTEREST. Huge! I am just learning about all this myself. Also, do neurotypical people also struggle with the things above? Pillows, materials, deep intense interests, social recovery exhaustion, eating sounds annoyance, burn out, needing alone time, loner, anxiety, social conversation boredom, smells that bother, sleep issues, BRAIN ALWAY ON (sigh) etc?
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IT INTO WORDS!!!
I've always had this problem, but it's in a really bad phase right now. I've been getting only 2 hours of sleep (or less) each night for a couple weeks now, and I feel like my heart is going to stop. But I cant stop doing it.
I feel the most loved when I tell my partner regretfully that today is a no-touch day and he texts me a ghost hug/digital hug gif. I've legitimately teared up a couple times because he just accepts it and rolls with it when past boyfriends have gotten incredibly upset/hurt about it or even tried to force me to be okay with touching or hugging on a no touch day.
I hate losing a special interest because there is always so much more to learn(or experience) about a topic but when lose it I can't force myself to feel the drive like I used to. I still love all those things I just can't get myself to pick it back up, also it makes me feel guilty because supportive friends and family members would buy me things associated with my interests but I won't be able to truly appriciate them like I would've even a month ago.😭
I hate losing a special interest because I don't always have a new special interest and I sometimes waste so much time doing a lot of nothing because I just can't make myself do anything that I'm not very interested in (I have ADHD as well). I'm very aware that others don't share my special interests and I usually choose to not talk at all to anyone I'm not really close to. My husband and teen son are also AuDHD and our special interests don't have much overlap so we often get caught in a situation where we are all just talking at each other and not interested in what the other people are saying. My son's current special interest in tanks and the math behind how they fire, the trajectory and force and all that physics stuff. As a pacifist, I'm not only not interested, but I really don't like talking about weaponry. But more than that, I want to talk about my special interests, but nobody else in my family will listen to me (I've been really interested minimalism, which my boys are not happy with). Online forums are where I go to "talk" about my special interests and it's a decent outlet, but I still want to talk to my family about it.
i know the struggles, my family buys me things that they may have seen me so intrested in and by the time i get the gift i lose intrest, and i have to mask my self and say thanks that very thoughtful and then just leave it somewhere for the dust. But know what you mean it like being a kid again and just want that feeling back.
I've managed to successfully work around that by maintaining several interests at once and 'scheduling' them, mixed with some compartmentalization and purposeful self-distraction. (Of course by 'schedule' I mean a loose framework that works in daily needs and health concerns.)
Compartmentalization is the mental exercise of mentally taking the things that would occupy my mind and putting them away into their own little mental drawers so that I can more easily put things away to deal with at a more appropriate time. That could be anything from a special interest to a worrying concern. There's a lot that can be said about it so I'll leave that up to you to look up.
For multiple special interests, I just found it easier to maintain several at once than going ham on a single one. It's harder to manage time and health, and the interest gets exhausted over a shorter period of time spent. Remember the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder". Well it's true to a certain degree with interests as well.
And to handle the shifts better, I keep notes. I maintain a list of the interests, document things of note that catch my attention, that I really enjoy or that I'm trying to figure out or need to look up once I'm finished with what I'm currently dealing with. I also write a bit of a conclusion when I need to end my focus session. It helps brings my thoughts on it to a close and comfortably transition to something else, summarizes my thoughts on the subject so I can more efficiently think about it later, helps me to remember what's worth remembering, and makes it easier to start up again at another date by just reading again. Not only does it make me feel like I'm picking up exactly where I left off, even a week or two later, but now I have a fresh mind and plenty of time to mull over that past focus session.
It also helps that I worked a lot on how to distract myself to change my current mental direction. The short explanation is "The best way to not think about something is to think of something else", but it also includes being aware of and familiar with your own individual sense of subconscious mental priorities, as in, what does your brain consider more important? A honking car heading straight for you would certain drag your attention away from your hobby interest, but of course you don't need something so drastic to pull your mind away from something. Something of equal or slightly higher importance is enough to assert some control. For example, a reminder of the consequences if you disregard your daily health, or thinking of something else that you also find fascinating.
As far as scheduling goes, I first add all the daily necessities, then in between I add in my focus sessions. I experimented with the dynamics of focus sessions to figure out how long I could last on what type of activity, what were the effects of various types of exhaustion, and what kind of balances could I achieve in order to make things eminently sustainable. And eventually I did manage to achieve that, with multiple deep projects going on simultaneously, never having a downtime of boredom or an absence of special interest.
And it made my daily ADHD and autism SOOO much more manageable because whenever I needed to I could just open up my notebook or close my eyes and think about any of my projects. I'd even use that as a way to find some mental 'rest' in otherwise unpleasant and exhausting environments and situations.
There was a substantial amount of knowledge, skill and experience that went into getting it all right, but I'm so thankful over what I invested to get there. It gave me such a great sense of greater control over myself.
I think a big detriment is the rapidly attainable information we have.
Before all this computer shit, lol, we had to take time to look up a topic or go somewhere. It took a good week to write an essay!!! Now a person can literally look up vast amounts of information in minutes. Just Google... dinosaurs, robots, snails, sea shells ... so much information is available that the pleasure of learning is diminished. Too much of everything... except sleep!!
You're an amazing scientist and a very skilled linguist! Thank you for sharing that wisdom.
Been looking for more nuerotypical perspectives on autistic traits that aren't just trying to be insulting. Really good video to see how we think differently.
Thank you! That's definitely our goal is to help everyone understand both sides - it can help both sides be able to see the differences, which can be hard to understand without direct insight into it.
We're working on more like these too, so hope you'll check those out in the future 😊 Let us know if there's any topics you'd like us to talk about too!
True! I’m questioning if I might be, as I’m adhd and learning how neurotypical people’s brains work is really handy sometimes.
Agreed. This was a very nice take on things. I dislike when I see more sterile discussions of autism where folks seem to think autistics lack empathy when maybe it's just that we don't show it on our face as well. Or we misread a situation and aren't sure how to respond and it comes across that we do not care but that's not the truth.
@@thegracklepeckim very sensitive to facial expressions, especially if the face looks in some way angry or upset, it can put me out of mood
🌸 So, if my brain doesn't ever seem to shut down, rehashing conversations in my head, having made up scenarios going on in my head, etc. would indicate I am neurodivergent?
"Two is company, Three is a crowd." Is the first colloquialism I understood instinctively. I saw that it was supposed to allude to romantics, but to me it was just a perfectly sensible rule for everything.
I didn’t think it was supposed to just be about romance…
The whole saying is “two is company, three is a crowd” so that doesn’t indicate romance. 3 is an odd number so someone will tend to feel left out
@@ultravioletpisces3666 I don't think it's supposed to be exclusively for romance, but every time I ever saw it used it was as an easy letdown to a third wheel.
@@danzilthard.7248I've always struggled with the "third wheel" concept. I know as an adult that this means someone hanging around a couple when they aren't wanted because the couple wants some one-on-one time. But looking at the description logically, wouldn't a third wheel just stabilize a bike or whatever it is that you're using since triangles are usually good? Like a tricycle, wheelbarrow, or something else. Maybe I'm overthinking this. 🤔
@@thegracklepeckin my language this is actually called "the fifth wheel" in direct translation so i guess meaning like a backup wheel nobodys really needing
For me 2 is paradise, 3 challenging but possible with trusted ones,
more is hell
When a trusted and loved comfort food stops working for you, it can be stressful for the autistic person too. Being abandoned by ol' faithful leaves a void, not dissimilar to replaying a song over and over until it's exhausted of emotional fuel, or devouring a novel (or a series), reaching the end and feeling like you're left treading water.
Thanks for sharing this! The parallel with finishing a series is really helpful to illustrate this and is also something Chris shares - both with TV series and book series. I hadn't really thought a lot previously about the feelings associated with this finality and change. This is part of why I appreciate this community - I can keep learning how different behaviors connect and also more of what might be happening in Chris's brain. So thank you!
And by the way, I read this comment to him, and he's like, "That's exactly like me! Do you remember how hard it was for me when I finished reading The Last Kingdom series?" 🙂
@@ChrisandDebby I'm glad for the community too, because I'm relatively new to understanding what makes me different from others, and still have much to learn. Happy my comment helped. Thanks for your video, and your feedback.
omg so true. I got food poisoning from my favorite soup 35 years ago and I am still p*ssed off about it!
oh. Oh! Oh. That explains why even looking at the unfinshed (but hella expensive) dvd box of my favourite show is stressing me out so much. It's not only an "unfinished task", but also the actual lack of passion that stresses me out. Damn you, alexithymia!!
This is a GREAT analogy! Ty!
As someone who is Autistic, when I have overload, while I can't have more inputs, like talking or questions, I DO like to be with someone calming (co-regulation) and deep pressure like a weighted blanket! Being alone or with someone when distressed or overloaded varies by person and by situation. Always ask them (in advance)!
Yes, absolutely it varies so much by person, situation, and even the day (like how much sleep they have been getting, recent stress levels, etc). I also have heard from other people that sometimes things like big hugs from a trusted person can help a lot when overloaded, esp if they can be the one to initiate it. And this is great advice - asking in advance!
Thanks so much for sharing this!! ❤️
@@ChrisandDebby You're welcome! I'd recommend looking into Interoception and Proprioceptive Input to learn more :) That input (like hugs, weighted blanket, other deep pressure) can be very regulating for many Autistic folks, and for me I think it's because it drowns out other less intense (than the proprioceptive input) inputs, which lead to the overload in the 1st place!
Agree with @stephaniecohn365 that I need my calm regulator person but also need space 🌚 🌝
Wow, you are such a supportive and understanding partner!
Geese, I wish I had a partner as attentive and observant as you are. Your husband is a lucky guy.
She’s awesome 🤩
Yes! The alone time thing particularly stood out for me. When I shut down and need alone time, being asked questions and trying to be spoken to makes it last longer and leads me to extreme frustration. Asking "what's wrong" in those instances does not help me
Same for Chris with the questions, but tricky because I didn’t realize for so long. I grew up thinking it was important to talk through it or be right there and ready to “fix” the situation. It’s so helpful to learn more and realize how vital alone time can be. And our definitions of “quiet time” are also different due to different sensory preferences. So much to learn! Thanks for sharing your experiences 😊
meanwhile my audhd makes me not shutdown (or maybe i just never had the chance to) but lash out, which feels SO GOOD because then the adhd part of being impulsive gets activated (which probably triggers hormones and whatnot). I even have it on paper that I build up frustration relatively slowly, then lash out but literally three heartbeats later i am perfectly calm again. 😅 my therapist found it very interesting.
Asking "what's wrong" of "are you okay" can make me run and hide. It's an unanswerable question.
I WISH I had someone THIS understanding in my life~ super late diagnosed woman at age 50, and this really gives me Hope that there really are other compassionate people still ❤🥂💃
Thanks so much for this ❤️ and I'm glad that you found it helpful and inspiring.
With your diagnosis coming pretty late, I'm sure it's been challenging throughout life to understand what was happening with you so hopefully this can also help you know you're not alone - you just have your own unique needs and ways of communicating and doing things.
There are lots of amazing people out there - just need to find one amazing enough for you! 😊
Hey, that's me too! I also got my diagnosis at 50, and I'm a woman.
Not diagnosed yet but as a 51 yr old man skilled at researching my special interests, I don’t need a professional diagnosis to know. The main angst is wondering how my choices in life might have been different had I known, but it’s a relief to finally have an answer to the questions that have plagued me my entire adult life: “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?”
I get that. I’m 73 now, diagnosed at 39. I finally found someone who understands me and I understand her as well. Just had our fifth anniversary.
@@stevenledingham5004that is so awesome! Thank you for sharing this and Happy Anniversary!
Congratulations on being such a supportive wife! My husband has been really supportive too, and it is such a relief to have people like you in our lives. You have NO idea how important this is.
I have autism it is like energy and thought accumulates instead of passing through. A train of thought goes so deep and complex. I read that autistics have more localized pockets of neurons in their brain which explains their very specific interests. Neurotypicals have more strands expanding across the brain, "bigger picture" perspective. Hypersensitivity and niche interests make autistic people experts in whatever they passionately pursue. Einstein had autism. My grandpa had autism and loved to build and invent stuff. The inner workings of clocks and machines fascinated him. He looked at anything and understood how it worked. He tried to build water generated energy devices.
Sometimes being autistic can be frustrating and downright brutal, but with the right environment, we can do so much. I really enjoy talking with others who are autistic because they think in deeper ways that I understand and really appreciate.
Our inputs and pathways are underactive and overactive in different ways. Just like we can't filter noise, we can't filter our consciousness. All of this takes work to handle so makes just functional exhausting.
I'm a Big Picture person, and when I really understood the big picture, it was so overwhelming! It was like the first time I saw the Grand Canyon. I kept moving closer and closer to the edge until one of my friends grabbed me from falling into the Canyon. That's when the emmensity of the Canyon hit me, and I dropped to my knees and crawled back to the car.
I love how she says “we” when she’s talking about Chris’s preferences and needs. So sweet 😊.
Watching this/ listening to you talk about your partner, his needs and how you support him in such a loving and curious and self-evident way made me emotional! Like at no point did it seem like you think of him as a burden while also acknowledging the ways in which things can be challenging. As someone who’s only just started coming into their autistic self and staring to learn and accept myself, that’s really wonderful and encouraging to see
This is something she's clearly worked on over time and as she stated in the video she wasn't always as supportive and used to push him too much to her wants. So yeah it's not easy and you have to work on it over time. Good to forgive yourself too as long as you learn and grow
My wife Debby is my best buddy. She’s learned to make adjustments in how we communicate and live and it helps me be a better husband and a better person. I never feel judged or manipulated which is so important, especially when you’re late diagnosed and have to relearn who you are and heal from a lot of trauma. She also helps me by pointing out consistently the positive and unique aspects of how I think. I hope more people develop Debby’s understanding and patience towards us autistics. I think this is already happening!!
My husband of 35 years has similar traits to your spouse. I used to think he was ”high maintenance” when it came to eating out, being in a crowded space, etc. Many years ago when one of my daughters was diagnosed , I finally understood why she was being overly controlling in regards to her environment and schedule. I thought “Aha!” this explains my husband. It’s interesting in how my daughter and my husband get annoyed with each other even tho that are so similar!
Haha the 'controlling' bit.... I've been accused by family members of 'always having to have everything JUST SO according to how YOU want it', whereas I want to shout 'absolutely NOTHING in the world is how I want it!!' as I'm desperately trying to arrange the few things in my environment that I do have some influence over so they're predictable and safe.
As an autistic person who is older and now living alone this video is helpful to see where I have adjusted my life to accommodate my own stuff. This "window" into the perspective is really great! Thanks, Debby!
Thanks for watching! I'm glad you enjoyed it ❤
It's also amazing to hear how you've learned to adjust to your own needs - I hope more autistic people can understand that is okay and completely necessary to do! Chris and I are still working on this together too - it's hard to unlearn old habits but also very important to do
I’d be curious, if you’re willing to share, about what adjustments you found you’d made?
I'm relieved to see a bit of wholesome neurodiverse relationship content! You have such a good vibe about you, Chris is very lucky to a partner that's willing to learn and adapt within the relationship ❤
You have described most major characteristics of my life. I was diagnosed with AD/HD & Autistic Spectrum Disorders at the age of 39. I’m now 73 so after years of work on myself I’ve improved or figured out adaptations and adaptive behaviors. Thanks.
Yep I have both too! I was diagnosed with ADHD but not autism as of yet
@@koriwaldrip7426 they are related anyhow. Many of us have been saying this for years.
That's amazing to hear how you've adapted! Do you have any suggestions or things that have worked well for you? Chris and I are always trying to learn and think of ways to be more flexible and make important adjustments, and based on the comments here, it seems like there are lots of other people in this community who could benefit from this too! Would love to hear what works for you 😊
First steps for me were:
1. Learn to stop, everything, stop talking and learn to listen. Stop and reflect, pause before you do something quickly. Stop and think before you you spend money or commit to a meeting or project.
2. Write things down
3. Improve your reading skills, start reading a book, magazine or an e-book.
4. Practice conversational skills. Watch what others do when talking. Ask people what they like to do or are interested in.
5. Pick somebody you trust, even a friend to ask for advice when you are unsure about how to handle something. Copy or model some of the social mannerisms and behaviors.
6. Learn to set boundaries, the purpose of life is to live within limits. Learn deferred gratification.
7. Change takes time, lots of it. Repetition is essential, “fake it till you make it.” Changing habits takes time. Think in terms of weeks and months, not days and hours.
8. Pick an important pattern or habit you want to improve over time. Only work on learning or improving one or two patterns at a time. You should start to see improvements between 3-6 months. Don’t practice these technique for three weeks and then give up. Set your first goal to create this stuff, these patterns and behaviors for six months. Second goal 1 year. Initial patterning takes 2-3 years, sometimes longer.
9. Use lists, daily planner, calendar a lot but keep it simple
10. Repetition and rituals are your friends. If you like to put your clothes away in your special way, do it the same way all the time. If you like the kitchen a certain way, set it up and do it. For some simplifying clothing saves you time. Rituals (don’t go overboard) will make you feel safer and save you time. Re magnets are your friend. Keep to do today and grocery lists, and frequent numbers on the fridge.
11. Get a cork board and make a success wall, put notes or rewards when you have successes both little and big. You can use a dry eraser board for quick lists, especially for those you live with.
12. If you are in a relationship you could have date nights. It doesn’t have to be a big night out all the time, movie night, make dinner together, share something.
13. Alone time, we all need it.
14. Guilt free recreation.
15. Medication can often heal but not without techniques, self programming and pattern rituals creation. Remember the best weight lifting for the brain is pattern matching.
Other areas
money management
Household tasks
Children
Relationships
And more later
D. S. Ledingham March 7, 2021
@@stevenledingham5004 Ooph, masking techniques mixed in here with the good stuff...
As a male with ASD1, I appreciate you noticing these things and being so accommodating. Your husband is very lucky.
I’ve just been diagnosed at the age of 51. I feel all these things your husband does and it’s such a relief after all these years to know, or to be able to explain, my over stimulation issues and the need to reset. I’ve always been called lazy over the resetting (by ex partners especially) and the more I would try to push through and not reset, the worse I would get and I’d just want to run away and go somewhere peaceful. I still wish I had a cabin by a lake to escape to! lol
But finally just knowing these are actual things that happen to other people feels like fresh air I can breathe, rather than twisting myself tighter to mask and do what ‘everyone else does’ 😊
It's so interesting you mention the cabin by a lake as an escape - that is Chris's dream too! (As long as there's forest/trees there too) I find it fascinating the spots where there are parallels with other autistic people too - helps me understand what "peace and quiet" looks and feels like a bit better.
I'm glad to hear you're finding some answers, and you're right that it's so important to understand yourself and your needs, rather than what seems "normal" and what you might have been brought up to believe. Chris is still in the process of relearning a lot of this too, so we're navigating it together. The misconception of "laziness" is something I'd really like to bring more awareness to, which is part of why we are both sharing on this channel. I hope that the cultural definitions of these can shift with time, especially for neurodivergent brains, as I know ADHD can have this challenge as well.
Thanks for sharing this and for being here!
@@ChrisandDebby Thanks for posting! 😁 It helps x
@@ChrisandDebby For me, peace and quiet can be quite a few different things. Reading a book, especially late night/early morning when it's really quiet and nobody will interrupt, no phone calls, etc is crucial for me. A cabin at a lake sounds awesome, and that kind of getaway from crowds and people is great, but the cabin could be anywhere, really: by the sea (wave sounds are very soothing, plus they drown out a lot of other noises), in the bush (I'm Australian), in the mountains, or wherever. But preferably with minimal noise, few people, no crowds, and absolutely no rushing around. But still comfortable: no running water, uncomfortable beds, too hot or cold, etc - count me out.
I'm currently in the process of getting a diagnosis at 29 and your channel has been really helpful, I am realizing now that I've lived a big part of my life in an overstimulated state that made me shutdown and not want to leave my room. Thx
As the father of an HFA child and quite possibly undiagnosed kid myself let me say this material is great! This is what society needs! More understanding of the autistic spectrum will only help people relate and grow stronger relationships. Autism can be a superpower if you understand how it affects' one's life. Thank god Elon shed light on this and openly discussed his spectrum experience.
Elon didn’t shed light on autism in a good way, he said he thought people shouldn’t have it smh. Probably because that’s how he was treated.
Excellent. I'm adhd and my new neighbor friend seems to have autism. Fortunately I had read a little bit about it before meeting him. He's very regimented by the clock though he's retired. And I had a very very rough time with any communucarion with him. But i persevered for literally (6) months and I feel we.finally got there to a comfort level. This is exactly what I needed to know in dealing with him. Actually its the best autism video that I've seen. i think at first I overwhelmed him with my adhd chattiness. And then i learned his personal regimented daily schedule. At first i dont think he really wanted to talk. But he seems to have figured out that we cant be friends if we dont even talk. I dealt with my not understanding on those days he seemed to back off. Much less of those days now. I thougjt he didnt like me but at most it would last 2 days. So yeah, long story. He's a good musician too. 😊
Wow you must be over 70 to be this patient
I'm so glad you found this helpful! Sounds like your neighbor should be appreciative too - and I can understand that you might have overwhelmed him at first, but I bet he's also seeing your adjustments over time. It's wonderful how you're making adjustments to help the relationship too - I think this is the best way to help any autistic people out there is to be understanding and willing to adjust! Thanks for sharing this ❤️
Cool! 👍
Autistic and spent last 12 years with an adhd partner. My advise is, don’t.
@@keylanoslokj1806 "Old Soul" is the term, I believe.
I would love to see a companion video about the strengths of autism in a relationship! There's a definite stigma that autists are not good "relationship material" and I think you could really go a long way toward debunking it. As a mom and sibling of some AuDHD'ers, I can say that they love with an intensity and focus that is amazing. And the honesty and authenticity of their communication and feelings is so healthy in a relationship! We talk a lot about the intense emotions in a negative way, but we forget to remind people that the positive emotions are also passionate and powerful. And I love getting to see the world through their super senses, it's so much more in every way!
Lots of people are commenting on your patience and understanding, which is great, but I'd love for you to explain to them what you get out of the relationship as well.
This is a fantastic idea for a video! There’s too many things I love to include in just one video, but I will give this some time and thought. Thank you for your suggestion!
Totaly agree our tendency to communicate directly and ask for clarification instead of assuming is pretty much what couple therapists try to teach their clients!!!
I probably could not deal with a romantic relationship, but I am an amazing close friend with my communicayion skill and usually my advice is sought in cases of misscimunication.
In a way, it is neurotypicals who are disordered, when it comes to verbal communication.... Every strangth is a weakness and the other way around.
My friends can always trust my judgment to be honest and comparably objective, I am good at taking another peoples perspectiv into considerstion..... Psychology and human interactions are a special interest of minel.
There is a lot of value in different oersoective if we(humans) could get over the tendency to equate different with bad or invalidating the other.
Thanks. So very informative. I am 63 years old and have recently been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I am going to try and present this enlightening video to my wife, despite the fact I am a Speech Pathologist, I have not been able to communicate to my wife what you have, in this presentation. Thanks again. Chris and Debbie are awesome. ❤
Today was a big day for me, my ASD assessment. Now I know for sure that I am a 57 year old with autism so I’m not weird just a bit different. This video is brilliant and I’ll definitely share it with my husband. Thanks so much for all your videos xxx
As an adult-diagnosed 65yo autist in a successful relationship, I say well done. Sounds like Chris is lucky to have you.
I stopped using the term “special interests.” It seems okay for a child (isn’t that special!) but not an adult. I speak instead of my “fascinations.” Luckily, my spouse’s life’s work (therapist and counselor) dovetails nicely with my primary and lifelong fascination, which is human behavior, psychology, emotional motivation, etc (adopted, no doubt, as a matter of survival.) we actually now work as a team with other couples and with groups.
Kudos to you both for doing the inner and outer work of figuring this all out. You inspire me and gladden my day. ❤️
What I've found with food for me is that I made it a special interest of mine. I went vegan for a while for health reasons and had to try new things. I enjoy new foods but I do need specific textures. I research recipes and cooking techniques and have books on food preparation. Also having a garden for fresh foods that I enjoy helps. Now I can get my reset time in by cooking alone and gardening. This all led me to expand my palate and focus on nutrition as an interest.
This sounds like Chris's dream! We would love to have a big garden later and space for him to relax and cook and be outside in the garden or greenhouse whenever he wants. Love how you adapted to your own needs by focusing on nutrition and what works best for your palate 😊 any plans to make a cookbook with food ideas designed for the discerning autistic palate?
@@ChrisandDebby Gardening (native plants to support pollinators) is one of my keys to survival. I'm going through withdrawal now that winter is approaching...
Chris is lucky to have found a partner who is so supportive and I LOVE your videos. Please keep them coming…BUT…can you please do a video on how you are supported as well? As his spouse I hear you making tons of compromises and accommodations for his autism. How do you maintain your own space for your needs as well?
Thanks so much for the nice comment! And this is a great idea for a video - I (Debby) will add it to my list. I also try to include some info on things I know Chris does as well to support me, but you’re right that a video about self-care might be helpful. Thanks for the suggestion! (And keep them coming!)
Are you a supporter of someone autistic? I’m interested in also learning what might work for other couples or families! Feel free to share too 😊
Thanks again for being here - really appreciated this!
Being soo accommodating -understanding & patient -these qualities are priceless and the ingredients for building true love
You have no idea what a treasure you are - with your willful openness to get inside this, see the person, and understand the differences between what is a trait and how that works within the person on spectrum - is amazing. Autism rules you whether you want it to or not - so finding a way to make peace with it - accept it - and move into a place of mutual harmony is such a treasure. thanks for sharing your story and being vulnerable to whole world sharing your strength, experience and hope.
Debby, you talk in such a calming way. I watched this while recovering from a meltdown, and it unexpectedly really helped. Thank you.
I think it’s the way you have not only understanding, but an acceptance that borders on appreciation. It’s really nice to see that.
Watching this I got kinda uncomfortable. I feel like if someone is in a relationship with me, she’ll have to deal with so many oddities and adjust to so many things compared to if she was with someone non-autistic…. Is it normal to feel this way?
I feel the same. I like the idea of a relationship, but I often feel I'll be an unnecessary burden, especially when there is almost certainly someone better out there than me. I'm a struggle enough for myself to deal with😂.
But idk. There may be circumstances and relationships out there that are just right, where my strengths and weaknesses compliment someone else's. The conclusion I've come to is that I'll learn to and prepare to be a perfectly happy single, but I won't completely throw out the idea of a relationship. If a good one comes along, I'll try and be brave enough to give it a go... idk tho. We'll see. For now, my pets are plenty of company😅
Same here, feeling like a special snow flake 😢😂
I want to add another perspective and this comes from my neurotypical wife of 30 years. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. There are plenty of neurotypical folks who have major character flaws. My neurotypical wife sees my strengths and understands my weaknesses. When my psychologist finally diagnosed my autism it made our marriage stronger because my wife now felt even stronger that my weaknesses were actually baked into my wiring and not willful actions on my part. It also helped me be more accommodating of myself. I was no longer being “anti-social,” I was “regulating” the chaos. Many of the things described by Debby here are exactly experiences that my wife and I have faced. But you adapt. Thats really what marriage is about. I am grateful that I have a neurotypical wife because our children have the opportunity to understand me better through her eyes and I can see how my communication can affect my relationship with my kids. People have agency. Don’t dismiss an neurotypical wanting to be in a relationship with you. They are seeing something that makes them feel confident and happy to be with you. Just remember to be open and communicate as challenges arise.
It's definitely normal. But let me tell you! Neurotypical folks are 🤫kinda boring 🤫 ;-)
I think love transcends all that stuff if you've found the right person and have good communication and respect between you. There's also the possibility of finding love with someone who is neurodivergent themselves and has a greater capacity to understand. For my partner and I, some of the things mentioned in this video are just second nature.
But even if it's not a love/romantic relationship, I think it can be easy to have a lot of great qualities and take them for granted. but that's what others like about you and for them it's worth the effort to learn how to get along with you. We all have strengths, might be loyalty, intelligence or creativity and so on.
Videos filled with 'problems' are never going to make us feel great. Remember your strengths 💜
Debby, you are so patient and caring and clearly you do a lot to accommodate Chris. I wonder if you can share anything about how Chris understand and respects your needs? I wish my spouse would watch this to understand me and our autistic child a little more ... so much of this is relatable for both of us. 😉 We also travel with our own pillows and sometimes even sheets.
I've tried to get better at feeling comfortable at social places like bars etc, but I can't seem to ever really enjoy such things. There's rare moments where if I'm really buzzed I'll be comfortable if I find someone to rant about the occult,meditation and such and am able to lose myself in the conversation. Otherwise I'm so restless and pacing around and feel so awkward and out of place.
The only way to get over the anxiety is sitting crosslegged or some comforting way and closing my eyes and meditate. But then I feel like people are watching me and thinking something is wrong with me and have a hard time relaxing because the possibility of someone coming up and saying something right when I'm getting calm could shatter my nerves and make me feel even worse.
I feel like I've become so used to masking and not doing anything that will lead to possible extra stress over the years. Though better at trying to just be natural now.
My best friend didnt believe that I'm that messed up until I told him how if I'm really pushed I've done things like shriek like a banshee or hit myself.
I'm thinking it's not just social anxiety because it has never gotten any better over years of pushing myself. I heard that if something is anxiety you can train yourself to be more comfortable in situations...
Not sure how true that is.
I feel like from pushing myself so hard to overcome things that I've burnt myself out and now I'm so on edge in public with a bunch of paranoia that has gotten worse after trying to see if I'd get better.
I've been more of a hermit now and hopefully I didnt mess myself up for too long.
One thing I noticed is that I get super anxious if I ever sit normally in a chair. I have to be sitting crosslegged or on top of one leg.
As a kid I always "climbed the wall" with my legs when sleeping. I move a lot in sleep and prefer heavy covers. Never adapted to being in crowded social situations. It is too over-stimulating to be in a crowd.
The crossed legs apply pressure which is comforting almost like stemming 😅
You explained this so nicely. You two obviously have a good relationship.
Thank you for showing so much compassion in this video. I’m autistic and relate to a lot of these things and you worded them better than I ever have. It was also interesting to hear about autism from the perspective of someone who is not autistic. I’m often curious about how our worlds differ, so this was a really enjoyable video. I will be sending this to my loved ones - I think my mum would enjoy hearing from another neurotypical and it would benefit my friends, both autistic and not. Thank you for this video!
I was going to add for neurotypical watching this how critical crowd noise is. My wife actually tells me to put on noise cancelling headphones in airports when we travel. She can see me starting to elevate before I’m aware of it. I turn on foo fighters as loud as I can and it’s total therapy. Then she bought me noise cancelling AirPods so it’s even less obvious. It’s been a game changer for travel along with TSA precheck.
I use Loop earplugs! I don't go anywhere without them.
I have noise-canceling headphones, too. I use both on planes, and sometimes at the movies!
Thanks for keeping that end clip. That's me. I do that all the time. So focused on what I'm doing and my plan, that I miss any sign, or slow process signs and have to keep going, and am frequently interrupting what someone is doing.
Thank you for including it. It was nice to see your smile and appreciation.
Your level of understanding is really amazing and comforting to me.
Just came across this video.
Chris is blessed to have such an understanding and accepting wife. You are special!❤ He is fortunate to have you!
Tail end of last year I was told by two different Physicians that they believe I am autistic. As an AFAB person the level of masking that I’ve been doing most of my life to the benefit of others has caused me to develop very intense long lasting depression, anxiety and panic disorder. It’s been so mentally taxing that I’ve almost attempted a couple of times due to how incredibly stressful it had become. I was always trying to make sure that I looked like the “go with the flow” type of person anywhere I went bc I felt like that was the best way to keep people in my life and not alienate myself… it really really impacted me in such a negative way. I relate so much to this video and I’m glad even at 32 that I’m finally finding my way and being my authentic self.
I know what you mean when you describe the effects of masking for most of your life. It’s a lot of trauma you have to understand and work through. Although many people won’t understand the incredible challenges you’ve had to face, some will.
I love hearing that you can now be your authentic self. Good for you!! Keep on learning and thanks so much for being here.
This is a very good video. Not only for spouses, but also for those parents with newly dianosised teens.
I love that you're working together to make things work. Too many couples get divorced after one gets diagnosed.
❤️❤️❤️
Your patience is commendable. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I'm so very appreciative for this video! As a late-diagnosed autistic human, there are a lot of things I've had to learn about and accept in myself. So many of the things that those of us with autism beat ourselves up over or shame ourselves for are many of the things you've discovered, discussed, and seem very accepting of! This was a fantastic perspective to hear, not only as someone on the other side of the autism experience, but also as a tool to share with those who are close to me! Thank you for this! I Can't tell you how quickly I added this to my autism playlist!
Hi Debby! The video is very well presented and super helpfull. Also, it is heartwarming to see you are such caring towards Chris.
12:54 it really upsets me when they serve food on non traditional platters! Like a chopping board instead of a plate 😱
That's so interesting! Have you tried asking the restaurant for a separate plate if this happens? Chris doesn't seem to have this exact issue, but he does feel strongly about the glasses that certain drinks come in. But once he realized how strongly he felt, we will request that the drink comes in a glass he likes (i.e. putting a cocktail in a rocks glass instead of anything with a stem - he does not like martini glasses or ones with thin stems at all). Seems to help but it's also hard to always remember to ask for this!
What a great video. Very educational for me as a late life diagnosed autistic adult, but also so cool to see a spouse who really understands and has taken the time and effort to educate themselves about autism.
Very cool 👍😎
Thank you for making this. It was very compassionate and understanding, and it's nice to see allistics who have the capacity and willingness to understand and accommodate our differences.
Ah such a necessary video, thank you.
Would be great to have a video on how you deal with the NT emotions, compromises, negotiation and validation.
Thanks for this suggestion and for watching! I'll give some thought to this for a future video - you're right that it has the potential to be complicated. I think the best quote I have learned along the way was something to the effect of "autism is an explanation, not an excuse." I'm lucky that Chris tries his best to make sure he thinks about his needs but also the impacts for me and our relationship. He works at things to help us both too, such as how to improve communication together. All relationships take work and involve certain compromise and understanding from both sides, but having one with very different needs due to very different neurologies can add another layer to that, for sure!
Thanks again for this great idea - let us know if you have other questions or suggestions for videos you'd like to see 😊
Thanks, both of you. I only got diagnosed when I went back to college at 38. Re-learning habits and processes with all the research that has blossomed since the 1980s/90s is making my life feel so much more... possible. I wish I had a Debby in my world!
Learning about my autism for the first time at 40, and i cant tell you how helpful your videos have been. This one especially is needed as, seeing ourselves from the outside is difficult, at the bestof times.
Checked off everything on this list. And only wished i had this information sooner. 🙏
7:35 When other people are asleep; there is more space to think.
This is pretty much spot on from my experience, being autistic, so, looking from the other side. Thank you so much for sharing the awareness. I’m now almost 50, it was a long, challenging road being late diagnosed. ❤ thank you for being so patient.
I’m autistic and one thing I’ve noticed is I don’t like talking about being upset or being around people in the moment, but I do like to share my reflections after the moment has passed. But maybe that’s because I have an interest in understanding psychology and like to explain to people the process of how different factors caused the upset.
I've just stumbled on your channel and have been watching a bunch of your videos. This one needs to be a series!! Please, more info like this of you can. My husband of 23 years is undiagnosed, but we're almost sure he is high on the spectrum after doing research. So much of this makes sense and relieves me as a wife that observes these behaviors every day. I remember one time I was trying to express feelings I was having, and he kept trying to 'solve the problem and move on' (his words). At the moment it felt very personal and cold. He wouldn't even look at me, instead he was in the pantry sorting the spices 'correctly'. I can laugh about it now, especially because with the big picture it makes SO much sense! As helpful as it is to hear Mr. Chris' side, this kind of content from Miss Debbie is very helpful to a 44yr old wife who just wants to understand things her husband can't vocalize himself. Thank you so much ❤
You are such a LOVELY wife!!! Such understanding and compassion ❤
Having special interests that you dive super deep into and then you switch to something else is very relatable. I don't have the official ADHD diagnosis but I do have the official autism diagnosis as an adult female. The place that did the assessment did not assess me for ADHD because they just didn't do those (which I found kind of interesting since they both can go hand in hand).
But I'm 99% sure that's why I jump around with my special interests (auDHD). I've got all of the sensory issues and all of the other things that very much label me as autistic. I don't struggle as badly with social settings as an adult now but I do remember as a child it was very hard.
My main issues are executive dysfunction and overwhelm because of sensory stimuli. Everything is just so much more exhausting when you can't filter out noises well or other sensations. I am able to be spontaneous when it is on my terms and the ADHD aspect takes over but it's very much here and there and I still need a lot of recharge time after.
Also I don't sleep well- I never have. So I can sleep for 9 or 10 hours and feel like maybe I rested but it's unlikely that I will feel ok with less than that. Also I think I have some other health conditions that may be playing into that so I'm not sure it's entirely an autism thing but I do find it very difficult to wind down and to stay asleep.
Being prone to stomach issues as well, comfort food is important. Texture issues and flavor issues make eating difficult. I take a multivitamin every day to try and help get any nutrients that I'm not necessarily getting regularly because of my diet. As it is, making food regularly is complicated and takes a lot of mental effort for me.
Eating out can be challenging as well because of noise. And since I don't regulate my body temperature well, likely due to EDS and POTs which contribute to some of this, sometimes I go places and it's really hard for me to be comfortable. And it's really not fun to feel ill when you're out somewhere trying to people.
Agree with Chris on the crowd thing too. I don't want to feel trapped or like I can't escape if needed. I like spaces where I can interact if I want or I can back off from people and still relax some if I want. And I go through sensory seeking moments and sensory avoidant moments. It waxes and wanes. Some days I want ALL the colors and movement and upbeat songs, other days I go out of my way to not speak much and to withdraw and relax. I don't know of any other autistics feel this way but often speaking audibly uses a lot more energy than writing something down/texting.
Spot on! I get a lot of push-back for not wanting to eat out. In fact, I'd rather spend all day cooking what I like (even though we had it YESTERDAY) than go to a restaurant. If I do go out, it really needs to be a place I'm VERY familiar with. I wish my parents had known about my autism 60 years ago. My life would have been very different.
I’m the exact same as you when it comes to restaurants. I also really like having control of what goes into my meals.
Thank you for this one!
There were so many points that I was 'Oh yes! ... That's me!'
What I really love is your observations and accommodations.
We have to work together and it goes both ways, but being open and talking about this helps so much.
Thanks for this! And completely agree - the best way is to understand each other well so we can work together…better for us all 😊
I’d say all these habits exist in non autistic people but autistic people are more sensitive to things others don’t notice so they stress certain points more.
I'm so glad I found your channel! I don't have a spouse with autism but it's very insightful to understand my daughter with autism.
So glad you found this helpful! We will be adding more soon for autistic supporters - and your daughter is lucky to have someone learning to understand her ❤️ thanks for being here!
Thank you for sharing your personalized perspective. You are a sweetheart.
This is a great video ❤ you really impressed me with your understanding.
Not every autistic person is exactly the same, but many of us relate with these scenarios.
I'm AuDHD myself, and I can totally relate with the needing routine, craving variety (and often getting burned by venturing out, which strengthens my need for sameness). I know I am not exciting to hang out with in conventional ways, I warn people about that, but I can occasionally surprise people who know me 😊
Fantastic video, thank you so much, it's videos like these that help my wife and I better understand the fluid dynamics of my autism in a relationship setting.
you seem like such a good spouse
You can't imagine how helpful this is. Thank youuu.
Im someone who has only just discovered im autistic and being single thought this video maybe something i cant relate to. Actually really liked how much information about autism and autistic people. I hope that one day i find someone who cares for me as much as you two care for eachother.
I fall asleep pretty easy the challenge is staying asleep. I wake up a dozen times a night, but at least once a week I'll be awake for a couple hours before I can sleep again. But I totally get all of the behaviors you've mentioned.
Yes, Chris also has a hard time staying asleep (and falling asleep too). Have you found anything that helps with sleep? Chris has adjusted things like not drinking water late (or else he's up multiple times in the night to go to the bathroom), reducing screen time, meditation, quiet and cool space, etc. but many days, not a lot works aside from major adjustments to environment and schedule (which isn't always possible), or just doing a lot during the day to tire him out more.
That's rough if you wake up a lot and if this keeps you up for a long time when you wake up - I'm trying to learn more about this too, especially how to adjust the environment and how to help settle Chris's very active brain. A lot of the resources I have found unfortunately seem to be written by people who are not autistic, so I haven't found a lot of helpful information for what to try for an autistic brain. That's where a lot of meditation, screen time changes, quieter stimulus-free areas, etc. are the main pieces of advice, but it also doesn't always work. We're currently working on collecting resources and information from autistic people to help everyone in the community understand what alternatives might help, as well as documenting what helps for Chris too. There's been a couple podcasts from AuDHD therapists that were helpful for both of us in terms of reframing our perspective on what to expect for Chris's sleep, but not a lot on what can actually help, so it's sometimes a lot of trial and error.
Thanks for watching and your comments!
@ChrisandDebby Oh boy, bear with me. I've been using trial and error for about 5 years now to get to where I am. A lot of what I've found may not work for everyone. Routine is a big important part of mine. I have a specific bedtime routine I perform every night at the same time (not always possible but I try). I'll perform the routine even if my body isn't in the ready to sleep state. I have a certain sensation, I don't know how to explain it, but it's instant like a light bulb turning on, when it's time to go to sleep. I have about 20 mins before I lose that. So I need to drop everything when the sensation of "I can sleep now" happens. If I miss the window I have to do something until it can trigger again.
I'm big on scented candles and I have two specific scents I will only ever burn around bed time. I'll never light that scent at another time of day. So my body associates that scent with sleep. I don't drink caffeine within 2 hours of bed time. I can sleep, but it will be restless if I have caffeine. I'm a big gamer, so I have some low energy drop in drop out games I'll play while waiting for the sleep sensation. Something that helped early on is I would listen to focus sounds, rainfall in a forest was one of my big helpers. Room temp has to be in a specific range for me, too hot or cold and I can't sleep. I need fans turned off, moving air will cause restless sleep for me. My phone automatically goes into night mode turning on do not disturb (certain numbers can still call through) but it also sets the screen to a warmer color. Leading up to bed I'll switch to warmer lighting in the room I'm in. Maybe a candle or lamps with warm bulbs. Around the same time I tried focus sounds I also would do sort of meditative things, but while in bed. I'd do my best to empty my mind and I would time it with breathing exercises. Empty a little with each breath. What worked best for me was very slow even breathing. Slow breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 and breathe out over 4 seconds. A few repeats of that I'd feel my body sinking towards sleep. I realize those last few are the generic things you see online and you've probably already tried them. I found my ready to sleep sensation more reliable.
I found that my routine, scented candles and being aware of my internal sleep mode (it took years to figure out how to read it) are the biggest helps in falling asleep fast. Even with all of this there are times where I'm stressed out and I won't be able to sleep for several hours. Last night I slept almost immediately, but according to my sleep tracker I woke up 7 times, most for less than 5 mins. One of them I woke at 1am and I couldn't sleep again so I had to wait for the body's ready to sleep signal to trigger again which happened just before 3.
I've been noticing I can't sleep until I know my husband is asleep and I hear those first snores. Before then I have this strong urge to just chat about every thought I'm having, which will keep both of us up late (that was the early days of be married lol) so I started playing brown noise or rain sounds for sleep which kinda helps with quieting my racing thoughts. He'll fall asleep because I'm not chatty, I'll fall asleep because he's asleep. I'll wake up a bunch of times, but I'll fall back asleep as long as the sound is going. Melatonin 10mg and 5htp help me stay asleep for longer and fewer times waking up.
For me I like to listen to a RUclips channel to help go to sleep. It's just someone answering questions from viewers about previous videos. His voice is soothing and helps my brain focus on just one thing.
But still wake up during the night.
PLEASE make an awareness-video that a lot of ASD-people are night owls. I'm tired of "professionals" not knowing _anything_ about that. They never ask _anything,_ they just claim to know it better per se while not knowing _anything at all_ about autism _in depth!_ Shockingly, this is also true for many people working in the field of psychology.
I can't sleep simply because I lie down, I will just stare at the ceiling for hours before I start to nap a bit, never entering a slow-wave sleep phase and therefore being dead tired in the morning. Sucks the happiness out of your very soul if you are forced to ignore your bodies best times. You're never alive, you just _exist!_
How is that hard to get?
Oooooh that anxiety about morning appointments! I'm an AuDHDer and I'm pretty sure I have delayed sleep phase syndrome, so early mornings are tough anyway, and I never schedule anything earlier than about 10am for that reason, but even so, sometimes I just cannot sleep AT ALL because I know there's something important and my brain seems to think "if we sleep we might not wake up, so we should STAY UP ALL NIGHT." This happened the other day when I slept for about 2hrs, then woke up with my brain insisting on strategizing a planned trip to Costco with my partner the next day in Great Detail, and then of course the longer I couldn't sleep, the more my brain needed to generate all the possible scenarios for getting food and how I'd handle them, so even though I eventually decided to skip the trip by 9am I hadn't fallen asleep anyway and ended up doing a very bleary Costco trip and then being useless all day 😂 😂 Empathy for your husband!
You pretty much described me exactly. I’m bouta send this to my mom who is neurotypical cause you put it all really well
So glad you found it helpful, and hope she does too 😊 thanks for being here!
As a parent (my son has a’tism and a I have a lil’ ‘tism myself), I REALLY value this video and your contribution to our world. ♾💎✨. Much appreciated!
I'm French and it's so difficult in France to meet someone without being on a Cafe or restaurant! It's feel like people can't meet or talk if they're not in front of food or coffee if they're not smoking.
And French rarely know anything about autism even if that evolve very slowly.
So sometimes I feel like France is not autistics friendly at all : we have to do "la bise" even to strangers sometimes, understand when we need to use formal or informal pronoun, degree in vocabulary too, wearing nice clothes everyday even if that's inconfortable, walking a LOT in complexe or crowd streets even when we use a car etc... And they're a lot of stuff you can't do too, like eating your own food or go with your dog in public place, inside library, attraction park, cinema, but also beach or some parc etc Here, just wearing a hat or sunglasses can be judge really badly in some context, so even when they know you're autistic they can't really accept it sometimes, cause in our culture it's all about being respectful to others by following social rules, not accepting that people can be different without being disrespectful.
Sometimes I wonder what's the matter for autistic in others cultures in comparison.
Similar in Ukraine. People know about autism, usually some younger people do. But older people lump all differences in mentality, psychological, and neurological together and just think we're all "slow" or " insane" which is just awful for everyone experiencing something and it is hard to get help, and most people have a big fear of reaching out because of this reason. This mostly stems from government gaslighting in soviet times, mental institutions were one place to send "inconvenient" people. Things also change slowly, but getting better. I live in the USA and everyone is marching to the beat of their own drum, so it is a lot easier on us experiencing autism. Wearing hats and glasses will not be strange unless you are in an office or church, maybe.
Yes, definitely agree that the culture makes a HUGE difference! We currently live in East Asia and have spent a lot of time overseas in different countries, and the variance in terms of "autism friendliness" is massive. All the things you mentioned would be really challenging for many autistic people, but if they are cultural expectations, how do you navigate that? For example, Chris does not like hugs most of the time, so it can be hard in certain parts of the US where hugs might be a common greeting, especially for family, even if you don't know each other well. What you mentioned about it being the norm to meet in a cafe or restaurant is also common where we live, so it's challenging (but possible) to get friends to understand that a lot of the time, it's just not an option. One thing that Chris has begun explaining that somehow seems easier is that he has stomach issues and lots of food sensitivities, so he can't go out to eat. Most friends are okay then just meeting somewhere like our office, which helps Chris a lot to have a space he can control better with temperature, sounds, and other things related to the environment.
Have you been able to try any adjustments like this? Would be interested to hear how you navigate adjustments in France too!
@@ПаніПончик one of our goals for sharing our experiences is to hopefully help lots of cultures better understand that these stereotypes are very outdated, and actually a lot of autistic people are very capable. This also connects to exactly why many adults weren't diagnosed as kids because they got good at masking and also because the ideas of what autism looks like have changed so much. Thanks for sharing this too - very interesting to learn about how things vary around the world, and it's good to hear that where you live in the US helps to accommodate you better!
It was difficult visiting Germany with this as well. I was trying to explain to my in-laws about my autism diagnosis and they did not really understand what it meant. Adding that I am deathly allergic to cigarette smoke and it was quite the experience. 😅 I had to wear a mask most places outside because I kept having asthma attacks.
I live in France too and this is also my experience 😢 x
Wow you really nailed this one. Describes me except for not liking restaurants. Although I will say - I need to go to the SAME restaurants over and over and over and over. I am very very picky. I dislike going to new ones unless I am out of town, and there are some types of food that I cannot stand and can never eat no matter what.
This is so well thought out and prepared. Thank you!
Can you do a re-edit, without background music!
I loathe background music.
9:26 THIS. And if I wake up in the middle of the night, and I almost always do, once my brain is “awake”, it’s almost impossible to get back to sleep.
Thank you. I came across your channel on Chris’ food video. As a step father of a 28 year old “highly functioning autistic” who lives with my wife and me for the past eight years, I saw signs, but did not understand. As I came across more RUclips videos on autism, I kinda understood and accept now. What concerns me with my stepson is when he does something, he’s focused on that task, but forgets to pickup the trash after him in the kitchen for example. One big one is locking the front door after he does throw out the trash. My wife (his mother) thinks he can rule the world, always upbeat and tooting his horn. I want to get him to fine tune certain things so he might be able to Iive with himself and be self sufficient. Another recent incident was when he drove (yes he drives and sometimes it scares me) to the transit station and parked to take light rail to work (yes he works part time) he had prepaid for parking on an app. Well, he entered the license plate wrong on the app and when the security person scanned his code, no. He was directed to park and pay at the pay station. He parked in the wrong section and paid and still got a parking ticket. I wanted to walk him through before doing this but his mom said he got it. Well, he got the ticket, hehe. He’s had about seven jobs since he’s lived with us and has been let go four times, quit the others encouraged by his mom. After seeing this video, I think his mom is an undiagnosed autistic. I’m just concerned that we can’t take long trips because the home won’t be standing when we get back, Thank you for your channel and videos.
Dang I’m 33 and this is the first time heavily considering the fact I could be autistic. I relate heavily with every characteristic that was mentioned. Thank you
Continue researching. If you still feel like you might be autistic after you dig, might be a good idea to get a diagnosis.
Most of the things you covered, fit me to a tee and others were not quite as tight a fit. The sleep, the social situations, and those certain subjects that I am stuck on. I do not know what to say and who to say it to in social settings with a group of people. Those stood out for me, but most of it was like a fit, as if though you were describing me. Nicely put together and thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this! And yes, like you mentioned, autism can look different for everyone but I’m glad you found it useful still. Always fascinates me to hear about all the similarities and differences within this community 😊
I can eat the same cereal for breakfast everyday. But also sometimes I won’t want it anymore for a long time.
This is the 1st time that I see you on the channel ❣️❣️❣️. You and him have given me hope that my oldest son might get married someday. He is at this time 31.
WOW, I just can't thank you both enough!!! This video really gives me hope, silly as that may sound. I've recently self diagnosed myself as AuDHD and it's been a wild adjustment for someone in her late 40s... So happy to have found you!
So glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks for being here - really loved reading this message and hope your journey into better understanding yourself is going well ❤
Thanks for sharing this. You two seem very happy and well matched. Nice. :)
This video has been extremely helpful. I think my veteran husband has been misdiagnosed and might be autistic. Every single thing shes mentioned has been my experience. I feel bad now because I really feel like he's been misdiagnosed. He has ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar and schizoaffective. I think he's PTSD, ADHD and Autistic. Gonna look into this more. Thank you
My trauma-specialist therapist told me that bipolar is generally the go-to (mis)diagnosis.
@somuchtoknow1950 no one person, can be every mentally ill diagnosis. Can they? That's the VA for ya.
My person is long distance. After much communication trial and error, he'll now tell me he needs "to be gone" meaning he needs no contact to reset. He used to just ghost for like a week, sometimes more. I didn't know to not text/share life with him. Now that I know, I stay no contact but the reset period is more about 24-48 hours and not 7-10 business days.
Thank you, I came quite late to being diagnosed. Still learning. Getting a lot of "A Ha" moments from your content. Thank you.
I can understand a club/bar, but why do restaurants & coffee shops have loud music? I don’t get why all these “social” environments actively work against having conversations 😤. I usually prefer smoking area’s because of this, it’s just a shame about the smoking/vaping & cold part 🙈
I really appreciate this video. I have autism, but my daughter does also; she was diagnosed first. I've always tried to let her do things on her terms (when we have that luxury), but this video is good tips for helping me remember I'm not the only one who can't handle outings and can't fall asleep at night.
I found that picknicks work well for our family. We take our favourite foods, something special or even a take out, and sit in a park in a nice setting, with a nice view etc. It's different to home, but not overstimulating.
I don't "go to sleep" anymore... I just go lay down and see what happens.
not thinking about it as a task that needed to be accomplished helped a lot.
I was brought to tears during the food segment because, as I’ve had to work from home for the last 4+ years, it’s been almost impossible to properly feed myself. I’ve relied heavily on DoorDash and grocery delivery services. It’s so easy and so enabling. I feel such shame but also, like, I need food right? 😣
This is awesome that you do this for him. ❤❤❤❤
Wow, you are such a great wife and person! ❤
This video is really precious, as it confirms me many intuitions I am having and provides practical advices on how to behave with a beloved one. Thanks so much 🙏
Thanks for this! Love hearing that it’s helpful for you ❤️
I totally agree
We have our own rooms for sleep and then try to take naps together to cuddle and enjoy having a lie down. We always try to have a “dive bed” if we try to make it thru a whole night together.
Thx for this - very complete and loving.
The sleep issue has been my worst struggle. At one point I would just sob when it was time to sleep and I got in bed, and spent almost all my waking hours screaming in my head from all the stress and frustration. The short term, long term and permanent health problems it caused... I wish I had known earlier I was autistic, what that meant, and had healthy ways to deal with it.
For those still struggling with coping, here's my method: foam earplugs meant for industrial jobs, and playing static noise very loud near my head as a noise screen. Typically the volume where my head is is over the safe limit established by OSHA, but the earplugs reduce it to well under the safe limit.
It's jarring at first being such loud noise but the brain quickly gets used to it and tunes it out as background noise.
After spending so long with severe noise sensitivity I've learned that it's sudden spikes and changes in noise intensity that are the worst and trigger those very uncomfortable and sometimes even painful alarm responses. A loud but constant sound profile, on the other hand, causes zero alarm response.
As such, I looked for sound tracks with the widest bandwidth of noise that maintained a consistent profile the whole way through and finally found some 8hour+ soundtracks of brown noise. The deeper frequencies helped to cancel and cover up a lot of the sounds that propagate the most, including heavy steps and closing doors/cupboards/etc reverbing through the building structures if the noise screen is deep enough. Having a subwoofer helped a lot.
Another option to use as an alternative or addition are foam noise baffles. You can buy foam of all kinds of sizes and consistency from thefoamfactory. They have stuff shaped specifically for sound absorption but you can also cut your own some some relatively cheap tools. I'd suggest making a kind of box shape (4 walls) that you can place over your head and goes midway down the torso, with enough space for air circulation. Remember to point the triangular/wave pattern shapes AWAY from you as it's those shapes that disperse and absorb sound.