This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but what do you think of these categories? Do any of them reflect your experience? Also, you can probably spot a bit of crossover between these different types/feel you perform more than one in the same interaction. Remember that there are autistic people who do not mask or mask to a lesser extent. So if this doesn’t resonate with you, that doesn’t mean you’re not autistic! Also, neurotypical people do mask too. I have a video comparing introvert and autistic masking experiences with my husband here: ruclips.net/video/kLqpaeRNMvs/видео.html But it’s something I’m sure I’ll talk more about in future. Masking can feel like such an elusive, abstract topic sometimes. If you missed my video talking abot how masking can feel from the inside, you might find that helpful: ruclips.net/video/H4vcMWB7fuQ/видео.html I also think the theory of monotropism is really relevant here and may explain why autistic masking requires more effort than a neurotypical presenting themselves a certain way for work etc: ruclips.net/video/3mBbOOzhoGQ/видео.html Thank you for being here! See you on Christmas Eve 💛🎄
I flipped between all these masks, and fooled myself into believing I was normal. The wife doesn't really mask all that much, she didn't really pickup that was "necessary"
Is it odd that I never really masked?. Im neurodivergent and really weird to other people. I honestly never really cared what people thought because I'm just in my own world. And I honestly don't think I could pretend to be someone I'm not even if i tried, that sounds like hell. Even if it meant being treated like I was either stupid or didn't exist for majority of my life.
When you're masking and someone goes "I love your personality" and you think "Good. I made this one specifically for you. You were supposed to enjoy it, just as planned."
I masked so hard I didn't realize that all the videos on what autism is like were just my life and I thought I was normal and that autistic people were not explaining themselves well.
When I was in middle school, an autistic classmate did a presentation on autism. He presented an audio clip of what it sounds like for an autistic person in a restaurant (hearing every overwhelming sound). I was not impressed with this clip, because I thought: “duh, that’s exactly what it sounds like to be in a restaurant.” I only realized I was autistic 9 years later.
@@gigahorse1475 How were we supposed to know, the allistic kids never explain what's going on in their heads!! I want to see the neurotypical kids presentation on what's its like to go to the restaurant without any conditions.
@@gigahorse1475that’s so funny, im just now reading your comment realizing that exact thing. I always thought “ya I hear everything too, that’s how ears work”
@@gigahorse1475 my mother thinking im perfectly "normal" as in neurotypical because she was even more whatever i was. Yeah both autistic...she was always self employed so she had to mask for lesser periods of time. Not for me...working in company after company...melting and shutting down on a regular basis, always confused about stuff...praised for technical knowledge but always warned that i need to "improve my communication"...and never explained whats wrong about it. My dad is diagnosed with ADHD. So no one was neurotypical in the home and going to school and work were a succession of very rude awakenings.
if i knew i was going out i would purposefully gat the flu to cause hearing loss , of cause i never cleaned wax out my ears as well , and so i only went to school for 100 days a yar each year , funny enough all in winter , as i was more sick in autunm, and spring when it rained the most , even walking to school after grade 3 i would instantly get a sniffly nose and heard everything happening inside my body , with ears infected , but as soon as i was at home i was all better , it was a 3pm thing too , i was cured always by 3pm cos the sun s heat at 2pm could disolve the mucus , so masking for me was always to be sick, but with covid lockdowns , being inside let me not be sick finally, plus if i did my fake sniffle & cough in public , people look at us like we are patient zero @@gigahorse1475
Hot take: The wheelchair analogy would be more appropriate if they had back problems instead of being paraplegic. The difference between someone who takes care of themself by using the wheelchair and refusing to risk onjuring themself further vs someone gritting their teeth and screaming on the inside and making themself worse.
I'd even go as far as to point out that some ambulatory wheelchair users will forgo their chair for small, quick errands that they feel they are able to handle because they are *substancially* more likely to face discrimination in public if their disability is visible. Much like with people who use mobility aids, some autistics are incapable of hiding their disability, others are able to camouflage it very well, and others struggle to camouflage it, but may choose to do so in some situations even at the expense of their own health out of fear of facing discrimination.
it’s always amusing (in a fucked up sorta way) that people on forums like r/fakedisodercringe always use physically disabled folks as like their “model” for what a real disabled person looks like. but you know damn well they would accuse most wheelchair users of faking their disability if they are ambulatory users
Yeah, the analogy reminds me of my mother who can walk by herself, but will be in increasing amounts of pain the longer she does so. Just because she can cope with short distances without a wheelchair, that doesn't mean she's not disabled.
I kinda just stumbled on autism videos, mostly because my husband and I have been noticing subtle behaviors in our toddler that have start to make us question. But now I've been ugly crying in my cubicle 2 days in a row watching these videos because for the first time in my life I'm hearing people articulate my inner experience and my whole life suddenly makes sense. I'm just flashing back to a billion scenarios that have always baffled me but I now understand. My mind is completely blown. Thank you so much for this video. I've never felt so unexpectedly validated.
I watched her video on “you’re probably not autistic” to prove to myself I’m being dramatic and I’m not…. Only to relate to every single thing. Now I’m 3 videos deep and just am so disheartened that I mask so hard no one believes I could possibly be neurodivergent… all my therapists are like “I don’t see it.” When I bring it up and it discourages me from seeking an assessment. But I do have relief that I’m not the only person who worked this hard to person 😭
I really can't belive that I went through life for 36 years beating myself up for not being able to do the things everyone else seemed to do so easily. Then autism gets brought up by my wife, I dismiss it, because there's nothing wrong with me of course, I'm just an idiot and failure, and then come to find out there's nothing I've ever heard or seen that's described my experience in life better. Really grateful to all the people getting out there and sharing their experiences helping us all out.
44 years here. Such a huge relief to FINALLY understand that I was never the failure or the idiot; I hope it had the same effect on you to make the discovery.
59 before I "figured" it out. My 60th birthday I spent crying like a baby. I've done a ton of work on myself, yet this A was elusive and there was no way I fit into the stereotype I had created for what that represented in my born in 1964 brain. Authentic Autistic voices are helping me integrate, that and a great therapist. I suggest finding an ND therapist, I feel like I finally found someone that speaks the same obscure language I do, or at least understands it! Wishing you peace and clarity. 💜
One potential analogy for masking would be using makeup to cover a pimple. Being good enough at doing your makeup to hide the pimple doesn't magically make the pimple go away; it still hurts if you poke it.
The analogy I use is that it's like carrying around a heavy box. Sometimes you have to carry heavy boxes, but you wouldn't walk around holding one for hours at a time. Yet that's what they want us to do.
it's also a great analogy because sometimes trying to cover up the pimple makes it stand out even more. Just like how sometimes trying to mask makes you even more of a target of people's ill-will😅
my sister is autistic, so i started watching this video to try to understand her perspective better. i came out of this video realising that i may need to schedule myself an autism assessment 😅
@@siiiriously3226 Turn to bible and allow CHRIST to be your therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist. No man nor women fits to be one. All are sinners and without glory, all are tempted and suffer the same. All are expected to REPENT AND BORN AGAIN, to LIVE HOLY AND GO AND SIN NO MORE. All are weak in the daily fight between their spirit and flesh. All these therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist, this world provides, can do is: to deceive and steal. They deceived you through all these “diagnoses” and they steal your money, through all the pills which you “need”. In short: they poison your mind and your overall health, leaving you with neither one. Therapist, Psychologist and Psychiatrist = Field where no human soul, never ever going to fit of being an help, no matter the among of years spend in “medical schools” or the decree gotten from there. ALL of us are daily deceived, no matter the walks of life. Do not trust one nor to try to be one. 1 John 4:1 KJV Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. Turn to the BIBLE yourself and advice it to others also.
The idea of monotropism as an explanation of autism really applies to social situations! For me, one-on-one or sometimes two is inherently less difficult, more fulfilling, and less exhausting.
Periodically, I'll convince myself that I'm just weird and have very inattentive ADD. Theeeeen I stumble upon a video like this about autism and just sit with my jaw open for 25 minutes as I am forcefully reminded of and called out on a lifetime of thought patterns and behaviors. This video was like getting sucker punched into my childhood, then getting whiplash from abruptly reeling back to my present behaviors. You did a great job formatting this video and describing in detail the internal side of these behaviors. Well done!
I’m trying to gently ease my partner into looking at potential autism. Like, I remember she said “i do know whats going on on my face but sometimes it’s the wrong thing by accident. but im aware its the wrong thing i just got distracted” and I was just like: “that doesn’t sound very allistic but okay” lol Only problem is that she has ADHD and getting her to watch videos I send her is… not easy lmao
God, when you spoke about your experience in college it really hit home I was spent grade school being "that kid" being generally weird cause it got positive reactions from people (looking back, I think a majority were laughing AT me not with lol) Then when college came I basically reinvented myself cause I wanted to fit in, I spent so much time and money on trying to dress trendy, listening to music that was popular, basically studying the hippest slang and fads It basically came crashing down when a girl I wanted to ask out told me that I "tried too hard" then realized that all my efforts were for nothing and people saw right through me. Spent the latter half of my 20s being a depressed loner, filled with self loathing, feeling like I didn't belong in this world. Now I found out I'm autistic, and that I spent a good portion of my life masking without even realizing and that was the reason for my downward spiral. I'm now picking up the piece and learning to love myself again and being my true self as well. It's a good feeling honestly.
Your story matches mine so closely... I'm going to be raw and open here about my perspective and history with masking - People thinking trying to "act normal" is made up just don't understand autism. You feel so different than everyone else, separate. I thought something was wrong with me for a long time and it really effected my self esteem and confidence for most of my life into my 30's. For me at least I did masking to try and hide my true self, being ashamed I was broken or wrong or dumb in some way, and also to try and fit in and make friends, feel "normal". Looking back it was so toxic for myself and how I handled it. I never voiced these feelings to others out of shame, or that I'd be so dumb to just not get some basic aspect of life, when really even my parents weren't versed in what autism was or how it manifested in behavior. I put in the effort to learn more about my behavior, then that led to autism, masking (which was a thing I was doing for DECADES but never had a word for it or thought about it!)... Understanding it better has really helped me break down a lot of my trauma and personal issues to better myself and be a stronger, more capable person sure of myself and my place in the world. Masking is exhausting. Its not the same at all of people just being introverted and needing a "recharge" by being alone for a bit. Masking adds up over time and sometimes it feels like I need months off by myself, or around people I'm close with. Its like acting and many of us are unfortunately very good at it. When you see it as a necessity you learn to get good quick, as sad as that is. I think sometimes that long term exhaustion from masking and the need to rest is confused with depression. Looking back, I can identify when I've been depressed, and separately I can identify when it was just needing a recharge from all the recent masking. Its a layer of extra effort for EVERYTHING, and it does take its toll! That's the part others don't understand, they cant empathize with something they've never dealt with. This is just my point of view speculative opinion on it all - When I was masking, I felt like most were doing it too, and that everyone had this well of their true self contained from the world, but that isn't the case. People who aren't autistic rarely mask. They might not share their entire opinion or be polite, but that isn't the same as masking to try to appear "normal" all the time. Very different behaviors. In my OPINION, most people are pretty boring and are what they present as most of the time. I've found the most interesting people who I can have real conversations with (when we both have the energy and are in the mood!) and truly enjoy their company are fellow autistic people. Its fun getting to know each other more. I find most of them to be way deeper and more interesting in character and personality than most. Subjective, highly personal, just my thoughts on it. It just feels like a real, complex, developed personality/person.
I’ve just realised that I never spoke a word to my ex’s parents and friends with which I wouldn’t feel at ease and we’ve been together for 4 years. And in 4 years I just stood there silent when I wasn’t alone with him looool
Oh gods. This. People, who I know will disagree with me, I don't talk to much. Which means there are people believing me to be a quiet mouse. And then my friends who we lovingly infodump at each other. I've never done scripted convos for boring people though. Maybe I should...? (Definitely a situation with my in-laws).
I have a bad knee--torn meniscus that I'm trying to arrange surgery for. I generally wear a leg brace and sometimes walk with a cane. Most times I walk with a pronounced limp. I can, however, force a normal stride. I can even ignore the pain and run for a bit. The problem is, those things tear up the interior of the knee more and, at the least, aggravate the existing injury that I pay for with increased pain later. That's masking.
Didn’t FDR famously do this? For quite some time he’d make sure he always turned up before the press, and then have someone stand beside him to prop him up, to hide his restricted mobility?
I masked with a hyper positivite personality and was labeled hypomanic and then would crash out of exhaustion from faking and get burn out, but it was labeled depression. I was labeled bipolar 2, but stimming and unmasking is helping way more than any meds did. I never felt myself even on meds. I used to say for years to my mom that I wish I could take this mask off. No one understood what that meant. Not even me until recently.
i can seriously relate to this. until this video/your comment i was still thinking back on my teen years and wondering if i was, indeed, bipolar even though i really didn't think so. your description explains my experience so much, thanks for sharing
I was the opposite , in fact i used to mask so well, it wasnt due to wanting to fit in , its from teachers picking on the kids who fidget , who even moved , i got so bad at being a statue student i even spoke with mouth closed , also , at home ,.. i never shut up & was a perpetual figit til i sat down obedienly in class
I was about to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I had an aha moment and that's when I asked my mental health team if Autism could be possible. Then they had an 'aha' moment too and everything started to make sense and I got the support I actually needed for the first time in my life. I masked as an over the top happy bubbly manic person and then would crash so hard for months and be labelled depressed or told it was depressive episodes. It was severe burnout and since masking less, since understanding me more, I have managed to have actual stability for the first time ever. Still when I'm around people I can't help but do the bubbly mask, but I'm learning that I don't need to do that and I'm practicing being present w/out extreme bubbly fawning 😂
That was my mask as well. I did eventually develop depression, but not having to put that mask on once I realized there was a choice was quite freeing.
Holy shit, I just realized one of my masking behaviors. When someone mentions a subject they're interested in or an emotion they're feeling, I immediately respond with an anecdote about how the same thing happened to me. It's to make me seem more relateable, like, I've always known that I just didn't realize it was masking until just now.
@@lilme7052and if you do that you'll get told its also a narcissist technique. Best advice I can give is that people who jump to calling you a narcissist probably aren't worth having in your life - for as much as it might hurt cutting them out, it will hurt more in the long term staying with people in that mindset.
asking questions is also my way of socializing: they’re happy cuz they get to talk about themselves, i’m happy because i don’t feel like i have to entertain them (plus I love listening and absorbing information)
I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and you’ve pretty much described what they say. Mirroring, smiling, saying their name, and asking questions is all in there.
It's sad because the book starts out on the right foot, like something about not judging, being understanding and things like that. But then it just becomes a bunch of cringe social manipulation that sticks out like a sore thumb to anyone with an actual soul. I don't know what's worse: how manipulative/cringe it is, or how effective it is on so many people. Absolutely disgusting. I reject that book wholesale.
@@Misharr86 I hate it too! But where I'm from (Finland) it's considered to be weird and cringe to say the other person's name when talking to them and we are taught in school that in other countries it's considered to be polite and friendly and that we should say the other person's name if we are talking in another language to non-Finnish people 😂
@@Misharr86 yeah, I also think that would sound very weird (almost like they were a sales person going by a script or something rather than just being themselves I guess?) But I actually seem to have some sort of aversion to calling anyone by their name, even when it's needed to get their attention (I suppose almost like how I am with eye contact, although not as bad). I don't mind people calling me by name to get my attention at all though. And I seem to be fine using people's names to refer to them in conversation with others, just not with them. I have no idea why.
I had to start masking as early as 5 years old because my adoptive mother would physically hit me for "acting like a r-slur," and years later when i got diagnosed at 13, they hid it from me and i found out other ways years later. Being forced to mask over that and then hiding the diagnosis has been extremely detrimental
I am so sorry!!! What an awful thing to go through. I'm glad you found out about your diagnosis. It sounds like you're learning it's not your fault and how to love yourself. Good for you! Take care of yourself. Plenty of people (incl. myself) can understand how hard it can be. ❤
@@nanimalgirlEssie I was 17 when i found out, because i found the diagnostic report, and funnily enough i had been heavily suspecting being autistic for several months before that. It's been 9 years since then and I'm doing a lot better since finding out and now being able to be no contact with them. Thank you for your comment
You just unlocked a memory from my childhood. I used to flap my arms and both my mother and sister told me to knock it off because I look like a r* word 😢
I also learned early on to mask with people pleasing because my father was abusive. I havent been officially diagnosed but watching and researching more and more about autism, the more and more it makes sense.
“ask people questions” is a technique that i learned in Sims games. i will praise this series till my death of how helpful it was for me in learning socialising
I’m crying watching this. I just feel like it all makes sense. At the beginning of this video like I often do I doubted how much I would relate to the things you’d talk about. Now I’m crying from how relatable this is. You’re very self aware. I appreciate you sharing your realizations so eloquently. Thank you!!
My partner recently pointed out to me that I seem to go nonverbal whenever I'm stressed, and that that's probably autism. I went from being a really outgoing kid, to just entirely blank and quiet... one time someone told me they "didn't know I had feelings". So yeah, I definitely had and still have to an extend, that stoic mask on. By now I've refined it a lot more though, so most of the time, people just notice that I'm rather soft spoken and maybe a bit shy, but no one that isn't actually close to me would ever expect me to be autistic. One phrase I keep hearing is "You don't seem autistic, you hold eye contact perfectly well!"... _yeah, because I studied how to do it for the past 15 years. I reverse engineered social interaction and succeeded, thanks for noticing._ I've also noticed that people get surprised hearing me talk about the things I enjoy, or just seeing me in casual clothes... it'd just be nice if they stopped making it sound so weirdly negative. At least now, I've found a friend group, mostly consisting of ND people, who is encouraging me to drop the mask at least sometimes... I started wearing makeup more often (despite being a guy), using it make myself look like a corpse, because I just like it, I'm planning to start wearing more clothing that I actually like, rather than what makes me fit in (once I stop being broke that is), and I let myself go off about my special interests sometimes. It seems to be a long process, but it's actually making me hate myself a bit less, so I think even though it's exhausting sometimes, I'll keep going. Don't mind me casually writing a paragraph about my experiences that probably no one will read.
@@rootbeef It absolutely is. I had the issue that in high school, my "friend group" eventually started making a lot of jokes at my expense and me being as blank as I was back then, coupled with the struggle of social interaction, led to them genuinely hurting my feelings a lot, and just not noticing it at all. It's a huge pain sometimes...
Finding the right group of ND friends is a really great thing. My friends have really helped me feel comfortable letting the mask go sometimes, and they were the first ones to suggest I might be autistic.
I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" a couple decades back and remember coming away from it thinking that the writer was awfully cold-blooded. At the same time, I saw how several of his strategies made sense from a psychological perspective, especially the parts about "invoke their self-interest". Heinlein said something similar (paraphrased): "Don't bother appealing to a man's better nature; he may not have one. Invoking his self-interest is much more effective."
From what I understand of the book, it’s basically about how to manipulate people...my least favorite thing. I read a lot of Heinlein as a teen, and always had the sense that he had a pretty bleak view of humanity; I never made it through Stranger in a Strange Land, because it spent so much time on people trying to manipulate the protagonist for personal gain. It suddenly occurs to me that the protagonist was in many ways a lot like an autistic person. Now I’m curious what prompted Heinlein to write that one.
Dude right?? Now that I think about it, what would prompt someone to even write a book about how to win friends and influence people low-key-high-key sounds like someone who is autistic and had to put WAY more thought into interactions than any NT person usually would 🤔 @@jimwilliams3816
I read that book when I was 10 years old, and helped me understand how to mask better, I don't think I became another person, and I think everyone manipulates everyone on purpose or not, when you talk something in a cute voice with your father, mother or something like that, you are trying to convince them of getting you something, or when you speak in an elegant way with your boss about a possible mistake they made, you are manipulating him into thinking you are not mad at him or disrespecting him, even tho you want to yell at him for something awful he did at work. I had to learn that if I started a conversation talking about me, people would be bored because I'm too intense on specific subjects, so I ask questions about their interests, and if something is related to some of my special interests I now know I can open up a little bit about it, cause this person may hear me more, if I do not relate to anything the person says, I know I have to keep a little distance from that person, and treat as a colleague cause if I try to be friends with her, I will have to only listen about their things and not talk about what I want, so I just keep a distance with subtlety. I think the problem with "Manipulation" is if you are trying to make people do things that harm them and benefit you, or you're making them feel bad about something that is not their fault to convince them of what you want them to do, instead of being honest or just keeping you're distance. At least that's how I used the book, to understand how I could not be an annoyance to people, and how can I spot people who might be great to be friends with, without having to expose myself right away. I know most people think that this should be natural, but I don't think autistic people will make it naturally, the point is, I don't need to mask as much now, because I understand interactions enough to keep my distance and save energy from unnecessary interactions, while using my energy for the people I actually think deserve my "masking" energy, and that made me a lot less drained. I know it is not the perfect world, but I think no one is living a perfect life, some are better than mine and some are worse, so I'm just adapting as I can with as little harm to me as possible, and getting better now with psychology and psychiatrist treatment. The problem is when people around you force you to mask, I masked a lot on my parents house, but after living alone, and now married, I only have to mask when I go there every other week, so it is ok and is worth it cause I love them, even tho they don't know that I am autistic and all the difficulties that come with it, they made their best with what they knew and I feel lucky to not be abused or something (I believe my father is autistic or at least has a lot of symptoms, that probably made my life easier, even tho he never noticed how different he is from other people, at least he kind of understood me in some ways.
The accent-matching thing you mention in the "fawn" section are very interesting to me as it's a trait I've always identified in myself but never realized was linked to autism or even the fawn response at a broader level. I've been subtlely matching accents and vocabulary for my entire life and only now realizing it was a way of fitting in.
I always chalked it up before to me being an actor and liking to mimic even subconsciously. Never connected it to my autism specifically until recently.
I also tend to sometimes adjust my accent depending on who I was with. I don’t do that now to the extent I used to, but now I sort of mix accents. I did like acting but that wasn’t really why.
@@wafflesthearttoad6916 Lol same, I watch so much British comedy (stand-up, QI, Taskmaster, Big Fat Quiz, etc) and I think it's really rubbed off on me which probably exacerbates the "You speak strangely" autism trope 😅
My co-workers don't speak English as well as I do and I deliberately speak like them (within reason of course, we have very obviously different education backgrounds) and I know if I spoke in the manner natural to me I would be further ostracized.
I feel like masking is kinda like how everyone has a customer service voice that's a little inauthentic, but instead it's like putting on your customer service personality that is inoffensively beige.
The hardest thing I found about wearing a literal mask during covid was not being able to fawn so much. I smile at every person I see. Every one. Not being able to smile - the only way I know how to signal that I'm 'safe' and friendly..... I just tried not to look at anyone at all. I realised this again more recently having dinner with family. We were talking about someone from my past who was an a-hole and I said 'you can tell from my face what I think of him.' The response from my brother in law was 'Actually I really can't, you look just as smiley as ever.' I forgot my face doesn't reflect my feelings in public.
I've got the opposite problem! I've got big bushy eyebrows and tend to narrow my eyes and frown when I'm thinking. I'm thinking a LOT so I've got 24/7 Resting b Face. 😠😠😠 Wearing a mask at least covered up my scowl of concentration. 😷
I’ve often seen people mention the physical mask as allowing them to hide their expressions, for better or for worse. This has surprised me, as crinkling one’s eyes is a key part of an “authentic”-looking smile. As such, I can give what I think is a warm, smiling acknowledgment of people even with just my eyes. Also, yeah, a smile is my default mask in social situations, too. It’s often what feels like a small smile but is actually just a not-frowning face. I’ve used bigger smiles in the past, but I think I’ve gotten out of the habit. I have to actively remind myself to switch the smile out for other expressions as conversation shifts. (Note that my long-term smile doesn’t necessarily have the crinkled eyes-those are saved for when I need to emphasize my smile.)
OMGGG ME TOOOOOOOO . i dont like yo speak, its hard and saying words is hard. i was labeled “smiley” at my first customer service job. at the second job after covid, i often wasnt able to smile as much and got a lot of customer complaints for being rude. i think that happened because i forgot how to fawn during stressful situation durinf mask season. because i no longer had to do it for a long time.
That "meme" makes me so angry...it is definitely possible to mask physical disabilities, as well. FDR comes to mind as probably the most famous example of that. No one should have to mask any disability, mental or physical. ❤
I had severe gastric disorders as a kid and I was labeled as the slacker who lies to avoid having to go to school, and I had a joint disorder that prevented me from joining Physical Education, and I got labeled as even more of a slacker and bullied for lying. Yes, because the doctor's note is definitely forged. Fantastic logic.
Hell, the only thing it might be any ok might be blind? like blind can often really not show that? And it might be even funny done in good taste. Ok i dont know but , that woulld at least makre sense? Why would be what , people are weird?
From what I've read and heard, people with Tourette's syndrome can also avoid having tics for a certain amount of time, but later when they relax they all come more intensely and are more disruptive. I think this is a good comparison with autistic masking.
Something interesting I realized after learning and refining social skills and tact and becoming adept at social interaction is... that social skills and interaction do not "come naturally" to neurotypical people (as we'd all been led to believe). I saw so many neurotypical people with terrible or nonexistent social skills that it was really eye-opening. After thinking about why this is, I realized two things that created this illusion. The first is that social skills are taught in a way that factors allistic thinking into the equation, excising certain key details under the assumption that they are "obvious". Despite this advantage, it's still a learned skill where every human being is starting from zero. The second is that since modern society is (in general) built by and for neurotypicals, it has certain elements built into it that compensate for NT social shortcomings, meaning that while both neurotypical and neurodivergent people may struggle with social interaction, only the neurodivergent ones stand out, and are thus seen as "weird" as a result. So basically, it's not that NTs are better at socializing, but that they have their accommodations built into the fabric of society.
I've been thinking a lot about how many NT people have terrible social skills, while autistic friends I have seen to be overcompensating. Do you maybe have examples of what you mean by society compensating for NT social shortcomings?
@@zinniaq8047 How was your day? NT: Asking it to sound nice, expecting a pre-programmed answer and being irritated when they don't receive a "It was fine, thank you, and you?" ND: Actually asking in hopes of getting an honest answer because we took the question literally, and assume that NTs care about other people and putting effort into giving an honest answer in turn when asked the question, and weirding out the NT asking, because the NT is wondering why you took 10 years to reply and then didn't give the correct response. Very strongly simplified but I found this to be a scenario I've seen before.
Nothing I'm saying is disagreeing with you, just kinda want to add on! Studies have found there is little or no social deficit when communicating within a neurotype, so autistic -> autistic and allistic -> allistic. And I'm sure we have all experienced this before. So my current pet theory is that an innate understanding of authority plays a huge role in this. I've found that so much of allistic communication is based around respecting and catering to the person with more authority in the convo. As long as authority is being respected, a ton of social faux pas can be ignored since they don't threaten the social heirarchy. So when autistic people (who are usually at the absolute bottom of the hierarchy) can't see or ignores the authority of their convo partner, they are committing the ultimate faux pas. And in order to reestablish the hierarchy, the autistic must be put in their place. Then this goes even father, since we are usually at the bottom of the hierarchy. It is always socially acceptable to make us the butt of the joke. And after a life time of that, we likely develop true social deficits born out of trauma responses. Again this is a just a pet theory of mine. So fairly decent chance I'm just 100% wrong, I don't have a formal education in sociology or anything haha.
@@freedomdude5420 That's true, not all NTs, here's an interesting thing, I've found that NTs can be shown how we come to conclusions if we point out the evidence we noticed, they just tend to automatically filter out info that we notice. So, most of the time, NTs who put in the extra effort can actually be taught to notice stuff that we see, if they're humble and earnest. The NTs who "think more" are the open-minded ones who put in the extra effort, meaning it comes down to personality in the end, so yeah, there's some pretty nice NTs too honestly xD
I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls” when I was 13 and the advice was NOT it for the environment of my middle school at all. That said, the book was very helpful for learning how to communicate with adults and is still helpful for the business world. Basically it teaches you how to be friendly in a very corporate and professional type of way.
About clothes...I definitely relate to "clothes doing the work for me"---this has actually helped me feel better about unmasking sometimes, because I can let people perceptions of me be less guided by facial expressions or body language, and more by the hobbit-like style of the things I wear. Especially at work, I can feel more okay with being stoic and expressionless if I'm wearing my sweater vest with geese on it. It's the little things.
I was so heavily masked that I never really had a true lightbulb moment when realizing I was autistic. It was an extremely slow process of reflecting on my past and present self and looking for parallels. I was not allowed to unmask at home as a kid. I could not even go into my bedroom to have a meltdown without my parents coming in to yell at me for being upset and slamming doors. A lot of my biggest autism red flags have been buried for decades. Some of them I'm still trying to pull back out of the dirt. Some of them are just stuck there forever. I find it baffling how some allistics think to have autism you have to be...incapable of successfully hiding it? Like people thought I was weird and kept their distance from me until I was in my early 20s. I literally spent the entirerty of my childhood going through trial and error trying to break down what I was doing wrong in social interactions & how to correct them so that people would stop looking at me like a freak. 20 years. To figure out how to consciously replicate in my day-to-day actions things that they have been doing unconsciously since they were in kindergarten. Honestly, it all sounds like excuses to me. Excuses to mock, bully, ostracize, and isolate people who do not blend in with the crowd. If they accept we behave differently due to a disability, they have to confront the fact they are a bad person. But if they pretend we are faking it, then they can make their own poor behavior seem justified. How that is supposed to motivate me to "stop pretending" and spend time with these jerks instead of the autists who are much kinder, I still haven't worked out.
Oh, I dunno. I don't think this is about excuse making at all. If 99% of the people you ever met behaved in familiar and reasonably predictable ways which mirrored your own behaviors and expectations, you'd probably find yourself somewhat taken aback by that 1% of interactions which didn't fit your expectations. You might find yourself questioning their motives or questioning whether or not you had in some way stepped out of line. In either case you'd recognize some sort of social offense and seek to explain it given your limited data set. Instead, you find yourself on the delivering end of that 1%. The bulk of your experiences are to one extent or another non-standard. You have fewer expectations for social interactions because you likely have rarely found them to be consistent in the first place. Your position is that of a minority. You deal with microaggressions almost daily. Reminders that you are other. When you're not the other, you don't notice the othering. You don't even think about the other. It can't be about excuses if they don't recognize the offense.
@rainbowkrampus i mean i get what youre saying and i agree to an extent, but i feel like that is where it is important to differentiate between naiveté and willful ignorance. I am mostly speaking of the willfully ignorant here.
oh i get this comment totally....I have been heavily masking, mostly subconciously since a child...I didn't grow up in a home where being different was at all accepted, and my mother was I think on the spectrum, so I learned masking from her from day 1. You could NOT stand out at all, so I was very shy and made myself as boring and not attackable as possible - grayrocking they call it now. So I think a lot of my stims - which are there but very well hidden stealth ones, or styled into dancing or I immediately stop even now - got tamped down really highly. It's only thinking back and learning about stims have I realised that picking at finger/toernails is one, as is wiggling toes, flapping arms and echolalia (the latter I only do in private)...but it meant I felt I wasn't 'autistic' enough and only when I did the Cat-Q and got 140 did I realise how much I was masking - and lockdown, where a lot of this just broke. But I know the doctors will be sceptical because of the lack of that early stim stuff.
Shit I relate to that, I went into my room with my step sister once at age 6 or so and we complained about my dad because he was being an asshole and he came in the room and picked me up and put me against the wall and screamed at me. Like sure man way to just confirm that what we said is true.
@RageDeRuin ive had people go through my diary and get offended that they were mentioned in there in a less than positive light. Like HUH?? 😭 I learned very young that i had to fully internalize and bottle up all my negative emotions because I'd get punished every time I tried to find a healthy way to get it out of my system.
Honestly if they compare autism with paraplegia to deny the existence of masking, why stop there? Some people use this exact argument to say autism doesn't even exist. It's not our job to show we are autistic, it's them who should educate themselves. They just want to recognise our atypical behaviours just enough to call us weird while shielding themselves from people who would call them out for making fun of a disability.
25 minutes of pure reliability 😩 I definitely fawn. Fawning as a concept is new for me and I was surprised to learn it's a thing when I went for a coaching/therapy session thingy. I try my best to be agreeable and pleasant because I learned very early on that it works and people like it. Even when I'm not comfortable or I'm exhausted, the pleasant smile will still be there. People enjoy an extroverted and polite individual. It's effective. Even when I'm conscious that I'm repressing my wants and needs, it's still hard to advocate for myself. And yes I've read How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. And it is helpful hahaha. Reading books about body language is a game changer though. And who knows how many hours I've spent studying Movies, TV, RUclips videos, and watching people interact IRL. On the plus side, I'm an effective actor, so no efforts wasted!
So many things that you explained in this video brought so much clarity to a LOT of things in my life. I just turned 30 and am now pursuing an official diagnosis, but hearing your stories of "blank masking" was enough for me to start crying; like for the first time I have a real explanation for the thoughts in my head and my behaviors. I plan to have a long talk with my family this weekend about the revelation, fingers crossed that they'll at least try to understand
It's so sad and frustrating how it can both help us succeed...and then kinda make it impossible for us to succeed. I guess it can be useful in small doses 😅
I’m 44, just realized I’m autistic and I am SO burnt out. I refuse to be so people oriented now. I will start a non profit and help from a 20,000 ft view now. But first, a nap 😅 🥱
I did the first type, blank mask, in school a lot as a response to bullies. Because I learned that they are self-proclaimed little comedians. They want to play off of a reaction, so I chose to stop giving them one.
I did the same and still actually have that response sometimes. I had one person tell me it's sort of like the lizard from Ringo- a broken fight, flight, or freeze response. I thought I was autistic but I wasn't neurodivergent growing up so it didn't make sense. Turns out, this was just a response I developed from trauma and anxiety. But the catch is that I know what's going on internally while others don't. I just hope that no one uses this video to diagnose others because they think they need to out a label on their behavior.
I'm recently diagnosed at age 51. This really opened my eyes to my own masking. I leave many social interactions upset and feeling rejected because I let others drive the conversation and if they don't ask about me, I don't feel like they care (and I'm not volunteering information to be rejected). The negativity bit was SO validating, too. I've been told too many times that I'm too negative. I never feel like I have any right to complain. What annoys me to the core is that I'm supposed to suck it up at all times but the next person will be mildly annoyed by something and get their way. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to undo these masking behaviors but I'm working on small changes.
Oh yes , i m the one in the family who decorates and is ready each day for month of xmas fun , in fact i prepair in september for xmas , but on actual xmas day .. as soon as we get told to be quiet and stop dancing , the scooge of the family calls me ebenizer scrooge for not complaining and having a good time , so yes in the end we are always seen as the complainers of things other people complained about cos we have fun lives ,
Unmasking is hard after a lifetime of doing so. Give yourself permission to be as autistic as you need to be in any moment. When a coversation is grating at your soul, for instance, just walk away. You don't owe anybody anything, people din't like anybody who acts differently, even acting the same makes them upset, who needs that anyway?
Growing up in my Hispanic family it's very much accepted to be expressive,blunt, and "dramatic". What looks like dramatic to other people is normal for us. Don't feel ashamed to express your self the way you want to. The way that feels natural to you 😊❤❤
“Resting autism face” made me laugh it’s so perfect. “Your true self is not welcome here” is painfully true, whether it is someone else saying it, or telling myself that. I have completely isolated myself in the last 5+ years. Historically in my life I have only been able to maintain one friendship at a time, any more than that is too exhausting, but in the last 5 years or so I’ve been unable to maintain any at all. It’s far too excruciating to get so much negative feedback about myself that I simply refuse to participate anymore. When society as a whole tells me that I am unacceptable for just being, even though I’m masking so hard to be acceptable, I just can’t with it anymore. If I am not fit for human consumption and I have done everything possible to fit in…then society has taught me that I cannot be IN society. Thank you for sharing this.
I use smile masking a lot. The first time I noticed it was when I had my first office job and one of my coworkers told me they loved how happy and was because I always had a smile. That certainly wasn't how I felt.
Exact same thing; I've gotten compliments on my smile & sunny personality at every single customer-service job I've ever worked, and I *despise* customer-service jobs (they're so thoroughly draining as to be almost not worth the money for me). My joke when the compliment came from coworkers was always "Thanks, I'm an actor!" Always got a laugh and made me feel a little better, but truly, being trained as an actor helped me learn how to people and, I'm afraid, how to mask even more effectively than I already was.
Don't feel like you have to mask your giggles Megan. I personally find when I giggle like you do in conversations it helps me to reduce my own anxiety as well as others. Part of the reason I find your videos so easy to watch regardless of the content is probably due to your inherit people pleasing and gentle nature. You do whatever you want to do Meg. Don't feel like you have to mask your perfectly fine giggles for the internet.
I agree, I hadn't actually noticed until it was specifically mentioned in the video, and I definitely don't mind it at all. And now that it has been pointed out, I think I do actually like it too, most likely for the reasons mentioned here.
It's "funny" how you become not only conscious of something you do unconsciously when someone mentions it but it becomes like and earworm - you cannot forget it and dwell on it for days, even years afterwards. Happened to me a lot at school. I ended up suppressing "natural" behaviours and started doing other things without understanding why I was doing them just so I could fit in. I bushed a lot in my early years; inflicted shame is a terrible burden to bear. Every day I got home from school I could be myself but always in the background, the things that had happened to me during the day lurked. And next morning, wondering what the new day would bring was not the joy it should have been.
THE FAUWNING AND THE PEOPLE PLEASING IS SO ME. Sorry, it just makes me really happy to see that I can relate to something as someone who’s recently been diagnosed with autism.
Wow girl, you outdid yourself on this one! Late diagnosed AuDHD lady here (46), who compensated/masked her entire life and went into a caretaking career (nursing). Many of the things that you mentioned, asking other people about themselves, being told to smile more, etc are very familiar. Also extreme politeness as a form of socially acceptable masking that has rules? After being a nurse for so long, some of this can take the form of toxic caregiving and latent passive aggression, despite the best of intentions. It can also make us extremely vulnerable to exploitative people. This is why diagnosis is important, it's like getting a manual and seeing yourself with a different lens. You realize how important it is to trust your instincts, take a break if you need it, rest when you need to as much as you can, have better relations with other people, and recognize when you are being taken advantage of. Sorry for the long letter! Really appreciate your work, thank you!
So, I discovered your channel the other day and have been binge watching. This hits home. I started therapy this summer because I was so burnt out at work. I expected to work through some trauma and instead found out I was autistic. I never saw it coming, I have a PhD in medicine, I'm an academic, newly minted professor. I am kinda terrified at just how good at masking I am, how I lived almost all of my life noticing other people don't behave like me and I just, started doing it. I found a report from primary school where I wrote "people don't like my personality so I will change it" and I'm horrified by it. I will admit I just kinda put it down to my therapist being too gunho. few weeks ago I found a home movie my mum recorded of myself playing...almost identically to. your video. I loved lining my dolls up in colour order and playing with them in my head while flapping my arms or rocking. The insane shame I remember as a kid realising that I wasn't like others and I just, wanted to not be noticed. My sister used to continually yell at me "just be normal for fuck sake" when I was a kid. The level of unpacking I now have to do, and I don't understand any of this.I thought I was just fucked up and I'm not and while this is a rambling overshare I just want to say thank you. It's kinda niec to know you're not alone evevn if you. have no idea what you're doing anymore.
I'm in academics too (but entirely too intimidated by all the responsibility involved with professorship, so I've avoided that path). I don't _think_ of myself as neurodivergent, but I can identify with a lot that is said in this video. Then again, I went through a lot of neglect and abuse as a child, so I tend to think of my own weirdness as being trauma-based. I'm curious, I find being in academics to be pretty cold...the pressure to perform seems to matter above all else, and so interpersonal relationships suffer. I honestly feel quite alone. I often wonder how much of that feeling is imagined. But I wonder how it feels for you (or maybe your environment is different)?
@@ballman2010 I find it very lonely, but I also moved halfway around the world (from Scotland to the US) for my postdoc so visa restrictions have kept me in academia. All in all, I worked in call centers, in big universities, in small independent research institutes, and for charities and they all felt the same. Like I live in a snowglobe away from everyone else. It really eventually clued me into the idea that maybe there was something wrong with me and I started therapy and then the penny dropped after my therapist sent me onto a specalist for a diagnosis. Almost everyone including myself put my oddities down to trauma because I was bullied horrifically badly in school to the point of doing some very dangerous things to myself. I think my autism informed how I responded to and coped with traumatic events rather than my mental health and where I am being the sole product of trauma its the product of both. I will say, as I've started to work though how I feel about it, and deciding on trying to embrace the neurodivergent parts of myself...things have got easier. I'm not spending as much bandwidth every day convincing myself I have to be "normal" its nice but odd to get all that brain space back.
4:55 my grandma would say that i turned into a different child at school, because i was so loud and energetic and fun at home, but at school i was so quiet and shy and closed off. i'd made so many mistakes where i'd messed up social situations, misinterpreted something (i've always needed very specific instructions), etc, and i learned masking very fast since i was having these experiences since preschool. your videos really help me understand myself as an undiagnosed but suspected autistic person, and even if i never get that diagnosis i still think that knowing this is very valuable. all of this video was very relatable. thank you for making content for us! (:
Yes! The question thing, I've also recently discovered that asking other people questions 1) makes it look like you know how to socialize 2) keeps the conversation going 3) keeps the focus off of you
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman, I lived in my mask, it wasn't until I had a breakdown at 43 and lost cognitive functions as well as the ability and energy to mask that I started to realise what my truth was. Thank you for sharing your videos they are really helping me and I relate to so much
The Extroverted Mask really hit home to me like I broke down crying because that's me entirely like I've been bullied out of being intoverted by my parents being told that I hated my siblings because I loved spending time alone and I had selective mutism throughout elementary school so that rendered me totally invisible because nobody went out of their way to interact with me. Thus I made a whole rebrand once I started middle school and modeled my behaviour after my sister because I thought that that way people would flock toward me and I'd be popular like my sister. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore, it's so hard finding remnants of who I used to be. I have two different first names so I rebranded with my other name "Marion" which is really a persona and a performance and the name "Audrey" symbolizes everything I once was and wanted to do away with altogether. I believe this has led to a lot of autistic burnout in my life like I've carried a lot fatigue everywhere not knowing why I was so exhausted without doing anything major physically.
I kind of have the introverted mask, where I retreat into myself to avoid making mistakes. I can't make social blunders, or talk too much or at the wrong time, if I don't even talk to or socialise with anyone. And people like quiet shy people. When I did relax and start trying to have a social life, I'm make a mistake and put my guard up again.
For the longest time I did that. Decades of feeling awkward trying to ask good questions only ending with an end to the conversation after a minute. It does get better now as I listen more instead of trying to talk over people.
I actually have the opposite of the questions thing. I find it incredibly hard to ask questions! I don't do it naturally and if it occurs to me I often feel anxious that it's the wrong thing to ask. I hate it because I think it makes me seem self centred 😫 my favourite people are those extroverts who ask loads of questions or just like other ND people where we can have endless conversations that are just related anecdotes without needing questions 😆
Same, I’m so bad at asking questions. It’s hard to think of questions to ask, it’s hard to feel comfortable enough to ask it and to find a right time to ask it, then it’s hard to actually listen to the answer and come up with a follow-up question… Sometimes I do write a list of questions ahead of time, but it’s hard to completely memorize the list, and a lot of the time it seems inappropriate or weird to literally pull out my list and ask them a question from it. Everything’s just hard. So often I just don’t talk.
Same here as well. I often don’t ask questions because I don’t want to ask anything that may be a trigger or inappropriately personal. I have a hard time with small talk in general and tend to like to talk about meaningful things that I get passionate about. Which sometimes makes people uncomfortable. With other neurodivergent people, I become more at ease and then freely ask questions where the give and take is more equal, fun & easy.
Ah, me too. People always say that I should just ask questions to keep the conversation going but like?? How?? I just start talking about something somewhat relatable about the weather or the place we're at, any questions are rare and very very safe lol.
Samee! If I'm with someone that I know likes me at least somewhat I'll generally just kinda word vomit about everything going on in my life/brain or whatever I'm currently fixated on. I have a tendency to talk "at" people instead of with them. Im in my own head most of the time and it can be really hard to be present enough to ask questions. Ill only ask a question if I'm genuinely interested, need more information, or consciously masking. It makes me feel like shit because I'm constantly paranoid that I'm self-centered even though I'm the biggest people pleaser in the world, and I'm intensely curious about other people's lives. Asking questions when the conversation isn't super appealing to me can feel very forced. I don't feign interest for the sake of connection unless I'm masking. It's worth noting I also have ADHD so that might account for the word vomit lol
This video was like therapy to me... I was having intense suicidal ideations all night because of my home environment and family... my brother puts me down constantly for having been in hospital so many times and needing "mental help." The expectations of me to act "normal" is unbearable. Most of the family catergorizes me as insane and crazy... this video really helped me take a breather and step back into myself... im so consumed by my entire social surroundings from home to getting back into college after dropping out 4 times...I've finally opened up to my teacher about my needs ... she was so accepting and suggested sound proof headphones... they have worked amazingly... even though I'm embarrassed to put them on it makes so much difference compared to years of trying to force myself to act r like majoirty of the class. Having bills to pay, no support from family or many friends at all.. or money/resources to connect finally be properly diagnosed in my area.. I had a meltdown tonight.. self harming, rocking, crying... thank you so much for this video... I feel that for my whole life. I've been misunderstood, and it's part of the reason my mom took her own life in 2021... so I felt so much solace and relief when you mentioned that mental and emotional toll masking can do to a person. ❤❤❤thank you so much ... 😢now I'm going to be getting ready for school now.
@crazycraecreations I don’t often respond to random RUclips comments but in this case I feel the need to do so. I also have autism and have struggled with mental health a lot. I’ve also had my fair share of stays at the psych hospital for suicide attempts. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are struggling with your mental health. Your brain can get sick just like any other part of your body. The best peice of advice I can offer you is to talk to your school’s disability office. In the US, I think every school has to have a disability office that helps accommodate students with mental and physical disabilities. They are trained to help students with disabilities and might be able to get you some academic accomodations (more time on exams, flexibility with missed assignments or attendance…etc). Also, a lot of schools offer counseling services that come with your tuition. My current school offers therapy, and my old university offered free online therapy. I don’t know you but I wish you the best! Stay strong! There will always be someone out there who cares about you and wants you to succeed.
I don't know why I started, but I've been power watching autism videos for a couple of days, fascinated. Much of what you and others have said is resonating so strongly that I'm not sure if I feel some sort of relief or dismay, or maybe I'm just trying to find a place to fit. Depression, anxiety, perhaps bi-polar, (C)PTSD, tried for a long time to figure out what's "wrong" with me, why I don't go with the flow and fit in. I have vivid memories from childhood. School was rough from minute one in Kindergarten and I REMEMBER the first day. I can SEE it in my mind, 63 years ago. At 67, I've basically retreated from most human interactions, though I've had lots of what I now see as masks. I have practiced the correct faces, smiling, conversations, etc. The unexplained meltdowns - nutso. Finally, I think I crashed. Now I've retreated to an almost hermit life in my funky wildlife food forest yarden with my little dog, senior cat, and whatever non-human else wants to live here. We are preparing to take on nomadic van life, but the yarden home will be here for a safety net. I guess I'm going to see if there are people out there I can resonate with while also learning to live with just myself. It is easier, but loneliness can be a problem. Facebook has been my resource for connection, but recently discovered it instigates more anxiety, as does messaging. Too many miscommunications. Three weeks off FB has been a revelation for me. What is the point at this age of knowing? Loneliness gets overwhelming sometimes, but more or less I decided to remove myself from society to save others from me. Also, the rest of the world smells. I had to stop teaching earlier than I planned because of overwhelming (poisonous) fragrances. Perhaps that was the final straw of a lifetime of masking. I wonder how many who suffer from multiple chemical sensitivities (as I believe I do) are also autistic? Apologize for the long post. Also one of my quirks. This new info has my brain fired up.
For a moment I thought I might have written your post, I kept having to backtrack and start again. Totally resonates. I'm 60 and just self diagnosed. I recommend Devon Price's Unmasking Autism on audible. Excellent to read when the A first hits as realization. Be gentle on yourself (and I shall do the same, because this is a wild ride for a 3rd act 😆)
@@glittermuse-1 I don't know why, and I rather appreciate (some) of my differences, but it really helps to not be the only one with such experiences. Thank you.
I love the idea of a yarden, animals and the van life! I am AuDHD, diagnosed at 46. I think the reasons people get diagnosed are varied, and it has to resonate for you. My experience is that it was very healing and helped me to reframe past experiences, get rid of quite a bit of self-blame, and has been empowering for future decisions.
@@jackpijjin4088 same, my parents would always yell at me and get pissed when I used to cry, now I feel like I'm seriously running out of air when i cry
@@jackpijjin4088I finally forced myself to cry after a breakup a few days ago - definitely the first time in a while I have released tears. It's sort of like your wall is put up so far that you can't even let yourself in. Hope you guys are doing well, you deserve to be able to express emotions
I grew up acting, so off the stage I learned how to fawn and people please to a point of not being sure what was really true for me. I recently found that wearing non-prescriptive glasses allows me to drop a lot of the subconscious masking... It's something I've been experimenting with for about 7 years now... The glasses soften my focus, and allows me to relax into a calm neutral way of being and expressing myself. I've often questioned whether the glasses are themselves becoming a mask that I won't be able to take off. But any time that I take them off for a few days, I do and say things that I don't mean (without even thinking about it until after it's done). I am an expressive person when I want to be, but the subconscious auto expressing (without glasses) leads to burn out every time...
It makes me cry watching these videos because I see myself in them. I'm undiagnosed and I'm hurt that no one took the time to notice these signs. Now that I'm an adult, I can't even get evaluated due to it being blocked by a gigantic paywall. I'm in the US with no insurance, so the cheapest eval I found around me was $2,000, plus another $800 to get eval'd for ADHD. It's frustrating, but it's so nice to know I'm not the only one going through these things.
One of the more useful videos I've seen explaining less obvious forms of masking. 1. I think have a natural stoic/blank face. It's not something I do consciously. However, I was very inspired by the stoic behavior of Spock as a child. 2. I think I unconsciously copy other people's posture, then when I consciously realize I have the same posture as someone else I deliberately change my posture because I'm self-conscious about it and don't want them to think I'm trying to copy their posture. I definitely have conversations where I laugh too much at what someone else is saying as part of an unconscious way of showing I'm engaged. But also sometimes because I find something funny, even though it was necessarily intended to be funny. One form of masking people-pleasing that I do consciously is making conversation with people I interact with on a regular basis. Asking questions where I don't actually care about the answer, but I know the question pertains to something important to that person. About a decade ago I went on a day-trip with an acquaintance. I asked them a lot of questions about themselves over the course of the day, out of a mix of genuine curiosity and as a way of making conversation. At the end of the day I realized they had barely ever asked me any questions about myself, and I was quite put off by that. Unlike a lot autistic people, I don't mind talking about myself. I'm one of the subjects I know a lot about. 3. I definitely script phone calls - at least have an outline of discussion points.
I used to mask a lot, but probably the saddest part of it is that my ex encouraged me to do so. She loved certain aspects of my authentic personality in private but she could not accept any of their social downsides. Being together to prove stronger against all odds wasn't good enough a plan for her.
I got called grumpy, angry, mean, up until maybe 16? Then to stop people accusing me of being something im not, i started being overly friendly, smiley, bubbly, and have been stuck masking that way since. I literally will feel like i am dying inside but if you throw me into the public eye i will stand there like 😃☺️🤪 and it hurts. Thats what brought me to getting diagnosed. I noticed that i literally hide every single emotion around people and at the time had no idea how tf to stop masking and care for my own needs (or even recognise my own needs). I thought i was great at socialising because i learned how to ask questions, laugh and smile but after a few months id end up severely burnt out and unwell. Id also wind up with lots of shitty people around me who i thought were friends but who really werent. I couldnt tell, still cant really tell. Now ive been unmasking for around 6 months or more which has been spent w barely any socialising (so that im not forced into masking hard) and im the most mentally stable+life stable ive ever been. It is truly insane how much damage masking does to us, and how much it helps us all round to have actual unmasked time to sit and not be percieved+regulate. My top tips for unmasking would be: -Schedule alone time and be ruthless w your boundaries on alone time. -Create a safe place where you can control all elements, mine is my house which i dont let people into so that i control the energy here. -Use music or art ! Stim dancing+painting to music have saved my life. Just getting to move my body freely+getting my energy out has changed my life. Music makes it easier to stim if you find it to be still embarrassing or are just getting used to it. -Cut off people who make you feel like you have to mask. Unless its work or school (where you have to mask anyway) dont be around people who force you inside yourself. Its never worth it. ❤
I think keeping a blank mask is an interesting phenomenon that I only now realize I did quite a bit. In college, I had an assignment in my communication class to not use speech to communicate for a day and write about it. One of my friends commented "Wow, it's nice to see you use so many facial expressions." ...I didn't realize I didn't
I've always struggled with my sense of self and people pleasing. When I started sixth form around two years ago now it felt like a new social setting I had to almost conquer, as my prior school I had been there for 7years and felt mildly comfortable there. But this need to please, make new friends, learn new subjects/topics, socialise, get a job, learn to drive; all of this piled up and Yr12 was hell on earth for me. I had thought about so many diagnoses before but finally went to a proper therapist who suggested I may have Autism and/or ADHD. This was a changing moment for me and I've been very reflecting of prior experiences the last year, making my Yr13 a much more positive experience compared to Yr12. Masking has really hurt me in the past and I'm working to stop doing it as much, this video really helped me understand the different types/ways it can be harmful to me. Thank you :)
Hate that instead of feeling content or grateful to be learning about experiences from others to better understand my differences, I instead feel this overwhelming weight of sadness in my chest. Wish I had a more emotionally supportive family that didn’t see my differences as an inconvenience or burden. I hope everyone whether they’re seeking a diagnosis or not later in life can find peace 💕
i had a friend in elementary school who i suspect was autistic looking back on it. he wasn't too popular in school and sometimes it felt like i was one of the few friends he had even though we didnt hang out that often. i could tell he was a little different and that he was pretty shy, awkward, and closed off (kinda like i was but maybe even more so). looking back on it now with you describing being a blank slate, i get the feeling he was masking. i remeber one class we had in 5th or 6th grade, for whatever reason we were doing an activity that involved us being as loud as possible. of course all the kids loved it because they got to release their inner demons. i didnt particularly like it as an introvert with ADHD and social anxiety but was excited and happy that everyone else seemed to be having a good time, so i went along with it. then, after the second build up of noise, i and many others notice that he's crying and seems to be having a panic attack of some sort. the teacher tells everyone to stop and he runs out of the room. i felt really bad that i didnt notice he was in distress sooner. that was the first time i really noticed something was actually different about him and the first time i understood that not everyone processes information the same. i think if i knew what he was going through in general as a likely autistic person i would have made more of an effort to be friends with him. after elementary school he moved away to live with his dad because apparently his mom was crazy. i only saw him once after that. i still worry about him sometimes. i hope he's doing alright
My mother was a great teacher for learning how to interact socially. Neither of us knew what to label my issue (though relatives and friends had many suggestions..from well-meaning to mean) when it came to social situations. (Keep in mind this was the mid 1970's). She would literally take me aside and, privately, kindly, explain that when others said or did 'A Thing' that people would generally respond 'This Way' and then she would explain WHY. I can't tell you how important being told the HOW (to respond) and the WHY was for me, and it eventually led me to being able to clue myself in as I got older (extrapolating from previous lessons when something new would come up) She also went out of her way to make sure that my need for quiet, for whatever reason, was provided for..not an easy thing to do during those years (and in a large family). The lessons certainly delayed my diagnosis as I became more adept at maneuvering through society, but they were also the most helpful, and least judgemental way to help me manage the minefield that social interaction can be for some of us with the diagnosis. That being said my usual response when feeling negatively overwhelmed and unable to find space is the blank mask. Because (in my head) if I don't respond/show that I'm upset in a negative situation, then it can't hurt me and I'll be safe until I can process just what is occurring (hopefully that made sense). As an aside..i masked my hand gestures by always holding a pen or pencil and carrying a notebook nearly everywhere I went. When the urge to move my hands became impossible to ignore I'd write/doodle/ or even just scribble. This had the added benefit keeping most people away as 'i looked busy' and gave me additional space when I needed it.
A lot of these descriptions and you giving us examples from your childhood is making a LOT of childhood memories come up for me that I had completely forgotten about. I definitely had the blank face in childhood + middle school. Kids would ask me if I was okay because I “looked angry.” When in reality I was perfectly fine. For 3 years in high school I forced myself to be super extroverted & was involved in the school theater. It was a lot of fun but I always felt like I was faking it. It completely burnt me out & in college I did a complete 180 and became the most introverted & socially reclusive I had ever been. Looking back now, I think I was so socially exhausted that I didn’t have the energy to keep up the facade anymore
By being one that was undiagnosed as a child with both ID and mental diagnosis, I "naturally" learned to mask my negative behavior, from learned lived experience. That is exactly what makes me a great CPS/DSP as I found positive ways to live healthy with my challenges in life. Finding this channel has brought so much more insight to things that I do struggle with daily. ❤
You are doing super well to get in on front of a camera. I've never even been able to even have a still photo taken of me despite being quite good looking during my time. Just can't deal
@@rat-gang- I don't recall; it was a random suggestion from youtube. But, given that approximately 50% of the population has a below average IQ, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this has happened to multiple people.
Your channel is so comforting to me, seeing someone be so open and unashamed of their quirks and autism-related issues is so validating I could cry! I feel so sorry for my younger self trying to hide herself away, thinking she wasn't a "proper" person and feeling so alone, but at least now I can start to embrace my quirks and live authentically as an adult ❤
i can relate a lot to these descriptions... growing up in a traumatic household meant i had no safe places to express myself and my negative emotions, i ended up forced into a constant state of fawning and positivity because there was no space for genuine distress or discomfort in how i was "allowed" to socialize. this made me SEVERELY dysfunctional when i started getting old enough to get into actual relationships and really connect with people because i was never taught that it was acceptable to set boundaries (because that's prioritizing my needs over other people's feelings), and i was never taught how to be considerate of people without placing their emotions and opinions above my needs i'm learning now and really working to change my mindsets because they're so harmful to my safety and mental health, it's an uphill battle but every time i make progress i breathe a little easier
When I was 8 I specifically remember thinking, “when I say stuff, everyone looks at me weird and I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll stop saying stuff” And I did. FYI, a kid who’d been in our class the year before but left the school, came back to visit and everyone else was talking things they remembered doing with him last year. I didn’t remember him at all but I remembered seeing his name printed on the back of his shirt once when he was blocking me in gym class, so I said what I remembered about him since that’s what everyone else was doing. “I remember you getting in my way in gym class.” Weird looks followed. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
I know how you feel. I was always quiet at school because the moment I said something everyone just gave me weird looks. I remember having fun with my friends and being loud just like all the other kids but I looked around and people were just… staring. I tried to shut myself up believing nothing I had to say was worth while. It’s sucks but at least now there are people in my life that think what I have to say is important.
Yes I do this too. For me it relates to blank slate masking where I would pretty much try and remove as much of my personality as possible, withdrew from people and would keep double checking what I was going to say and by then the conversation has already moved on... Group conversations have always been difficult for me because I can't do the "turn taking" part of conversations like others can and often leads to people outright ignoring what I said and/or talking over me
@@magentafox1657 Yep, you just have described my whole journey as a teenager and young adult life. Im still struggling to re-learn and straight up learn things i didnt do before, like not pushing my voice down because of that thought of my own ideas being less important than the rest
I get stuck smiling at work and all the women always ask me why. I get nervous and dont know what to say and they laugh at me and my heart starts melting. Just the sound of their voice is soothing to me. The way they laugh it's so adorable.
I told my school therapist my relationship issues in the past might be because I'm on the spectrum (got first diagnosed when I was 4-5), she was straight up shocked to find out because she couldn't tell. I didn't know it was masking but I can definetly see myself going "why did I do that, why am I doing this" when I do normal tasks with people around. For some reason I also feel like tearing up when I'm taking about something casual to my parents, like for example a dish I had or a movie I watched but talking cold blooded about tragedies on the news. And filters upon filters, but I'm also queer in eastern Europe, gotta refer to my boyfriend as "the missus" even though it is disrespectful on so many levels. But the copying I see a lot, it's something me and my boyfriend joke about a lot is that I copy my father in law's style of speech, way of holding a cigarette, accent, use of words, that was more prominent when I first met his family, told them on the phone once that I enjoy his company and meanor so much that it just sticks to me and i cant help it. My brain sure is strange
as someone who is struggling SO much with debating whether or not i have autism recently… this is SO affirming and helpful… you have no idea. it has been a hard mental battle and exhausting to figure out. i never really looked into this until later in my adulthood and i’m 28 now. i feel like i won’t be believed but most of the things i can relate to and how i act are so undeniable.
They way you speak about the types of masking is so validating.. As you were talking I was like "dang.. Check mark" for each kind for myself. and It frustrates me too that I can't say what I feel sometimes because I'm worried of getting a negative reaction from people. I feel like I hold other peoples emotions and care too much about it. I take a notebook to doctor's office full of questions and things I want to talk about.. And I push so much extrovert energy when at gatherings. I try to be the "light" in the room and make every have a good time. I will say there is one thing that I really struggle with masking and that is taking people very literally when they tell jokes lol. I've never been good at having the right reaction to jokes so it has seemed, and growing up i would get picked on for being super gullible. I would immediately believe what someone would tell me before I could realize it was sarcasm. My brothers thought and still do think it's great haha. ugghhh I've wondered if I was perhaps Autistic, but more so my children. Both of my children have struggled with every day life. My son has always shut down to the point that people make comments because in social settings, family holidays he completely shuts down and will usually find his own space in the home to be alone. My daughter is coming home every day from school and having meltdowns where it takes sometimes 20 minutes just to get out of the car because she can't deal with it.. and then a melt down for every step there after until she finally can go to her room to relax. We're in the process of having them evaluated but as my son can't speak with doctors on his own well.. they think he has social anxiety, and possibly ADHD at the same time.. and my daughter was originally being evaluated for Autism after our first appointment but at the second appointment with a different therapist she switched her evaluation to ADHD. But everything you're saying is definitely stuff i see the 3 of us do every day. For instance, I felt so tired by the time I got to the store and overwhelmed by the idea of having to talk to people that I did the "blank face" or I will do the fawn type. Like this is literally my entire personality when in public.. and when people talk to me when I'm not expecting it I'm almost startled.. It's like I have my own little bubble around me. Anyway.. I guess I'm mostly just concerned on my kids being incorrectly diagnosed.. They therapist this last time literally said "She seems to be showing emotion, so I'm leaning more toward ADHD" like what?! I was so confused. Obviously, that's inaccurate and people who have Autistic Spectrum Condition can show emotion when they are comfortable to.
I just want to drop a quick thank you! At age 35 I am now learning that I have been dealing with Autism my entire life and I am now finally beginning to get the help I need to move forward and live a happy life. These videos have helped me see that 😊. Keep up the fantastic work!
you are amazing. thank you so much for this perspective. i feel like you've helped a lot of people find a comfort that was hidden from them. i feel so bad with how exhausted i am, and that i can't do more for others, or be more functional. as an artist i have trouble when i have trouble not freaking out when i find any success or attention. regardless of anything going forwards, i think you've done a lot of good for a lot of people. hope that always brings you comfort and self-appreciation that you deserve.
My best "fake smile" in elementary school was described as "scary" by my peers, so I was usually blank faced until I had sufficiently practiced a "normal" smile in our bathroom mirror. Due to bullying and anxiety related digestion problems, I dropped out after the sixth grade and went with an autodidactic education, instead. I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until age 46. Your videos have helped me. Thank you.
RUclips won't stop suggesting me videos like this. I always thought that my shyness and social anxiety were to blame, but maybe it's time for me to take the test.
I'm already diagnosed with ADHD and I'm going to get my autism diagnosis in a couple months (takes a while to get an appointment) Your channel was one of the first and consequently biggest sources of information for me when I realized I had more going on more than just ADHD. Thank you so much for wording clearly how it feels to be autistic. Through you I got it. You might just have played a big part in a big change in my life. Also, today I learned that I have been fawning my a** off 24/7. Just with this new video I learned so much. Much love
I relate to all of this so much - especially the blank masking. Everyone always tells me that I'm so quiet and "calming" but that's just because I don't reflect any of my feelings and disassociate almost constantly. My dad has even joked with me about this and he calls it my "turtle mode." I haven't done much extraverted masking but I have noticed myself attempting to do this lately without meaning to. I've even given myself my own nickname to try and rebrand myself in a way, but I get so overwhelmed when trying to be extraverted. I'm hoping to get an official diagnosis this next year if possible. I can't thank you enough Meg - your videos have helped me realize a lot about myself. I have always felt like an alien and its comforting to know why I feel this way and that I'm not alone.
I don’t really know how to mask, at least not to the extent I see talked about in this video and in other things I have seen/ read. I scored really really low on the cat-q, for example. With that said, I really appreciated how this video really breaks down the different types of masking and what goes into it. It helped me see the ways in which I do mask (mainly the fawning- I try to be really nice so that people will like me), and the monotropism bit at the end helped me understand why I can’t mask better. For me, I am already maxing out the number of things I am able to pay attention to at once when I am processing what the other person is saying to me, thinking about what I am going to say next, and paying attention to whatever else is happening around me. I don’t really have room in my brain after that to also think about things like whether or not I am making eye contact are to register whether I am fidgeting/stimming. Sometimes I will suddenly become aware of these things in the middle of a conversation and try to fix them, but I am just not able to hold consistent focus on them.
Re: feeling like you haven't made that many friends and influenced that many people GIRL your videos have influenced me so hard!! Haha (: you are my favorite autistic/audhd channel I've found yet. I love your vibe. I've learned so much about myself from you. You literally are the main reason I am looking into my own possible audhd nature (ADHD diagnosed but still unsure of the autistic part....tho I've felt very called out when you've mentioned in other videos how heavy research can be a sign....lmao). You've done for me what you say other RUclipsrs do for you. Seriously. Thank you so much my friend 💛 I am your same age, and I feel like a lot of things are making sense about myself. I'd love more AuDHD content if you're up for it (: I love hearing your stories. I relate to some, I gain perspective from others, and it's overall such a chill and wholesome vibe. Even with the heavier topics, i appreciate the way you approach them and make it so I'm not triggered by rage click bait news elsewhere haha. And I know that you research so you are presenting a lot of sides. And just. Yeah, thank you (: 💛
I have never related to a video so much. I legit started crying when you were talking about fawning and people pleasing, that’s been my entire life. Even the accents thing! I always wondered why I would mimic people’s accents! Thank you so much for this, I will be showing this to people close to me so that they can see a bit inside of my head and help me with this.
'Masked a little too close to the sun' is the perfect way to describe it omg. But I'm so sorry about your burnout 💛 I hope you start feeling better soon!
Thank you for making this video and your channel in general. I just found out I was Autistic and the types of masking you explained make sense. Thank you for being apart of my journey!
its taken me a long time to work out what exactly is me masking and what's not, and three years later (after discovering i'm autistic) i still don't really know. I do a sort of "basic" level of masking (for lack of a better word) where i force eye contact, stop stims, force a smile on my face and nod a lot, but beyond that I find masking too difficult, near impossible. Like the whole asking questions thing, I just can't do that, because the act of speaking for me takes a lot of mental effort, sometimes it feels like physical effort too, so even though i *know* I should ask questions to keep the conversation going, I just *can't* and so unless i'm with someone who is patient and/or chatty, the conversations end quickly, and that is why i struggle so much with socialising and inserting myself, and also why i do so much better with making friends online and communicating through text. It's so much easier for me. That's why i'm a writer - because it's miles easier to express myself through text than trying to speak. Also, the whole "they explode when they get home" thing never really applied to me, but i think part of the reason for that is that I still "mask" at home. I don't know if its masking, or a form of PDA I heard about related to internalising, but i am a chronic internaliser. I just cannot express my emotions outwardly unless i'm fully alone. So most of the time, that leads to me pushing my emotions down as much as physically possible until I can escape and be on my own, even from my own family. Of course, this leads to me not exactly having the closest relationship to my family (at least from an outside perspective, of course i love them, I just don't show it much, or rather I show it in my own, subtler ways, like gift giving. That's why I love christmas so much.) Also, back before I was diagnosed, when I was dealing with a lot of imposter syndrome, I'd often ask myself "if i don't mask much, then how come I went so long without no one ever noticing anything?" But i think there is an answer to this. It doesn't mean i'm *not* autistic. It's because of how inward and internal I was. Because of the fact I was not good at reciprocating conversations, and communicating with people. Because i didn't speak much (unless I had to, or I was close enough with them), I simply faded into the background. I wasn't noticed. This is why i don't really relate to the sentiment I hear from a lot of autistic people, of feeling like they're "too much". Rather, I feel the opposite. I'm not enough for people. Because, at least on the outside, I'm a blank slate who struggles to express emotion, who cannot reciprocate conversation, who cannot express (emphasis on express, I can feel) empathy, who struggles to participate in most social events (especially as an adult), I just am not interesting enough for people. So many people are just very quick to give up with me. I don't reciprocate the conversation, so they give up and move on to someone else, and this leads to me becoming a bit of a ghost. Not many people notice me. I'm not enough for people. Sometimes I wish i could mask enough to be enough for people, but i also know just how exhausting it can be, and even then, it's just not possible for me anyway, I think if i could, I would have by now. Anyway, theres my ramblings.
I can relate. I was also diagnosed in 2020 and had to seek help a year later because things grew worse and worse in the world and at home (my only sanctum). Because I received my diagnosis so late in life (in my 40’s), it wasn’t clear what was 1.) Me, 2.) An Allistic Mask, or 3.) Friendliness. I never hear anyone bring up the 3rd option. I don’t think it’s a typical or atypical specific thing to be either a kind person or a self-centered a-hole. We must be careful to notice the difference within ourselves. For example: Being aloof at a party (where you’re miserable and refuse to engage with those who approach you) will only end up bringing the vibe down for you and those around you. In a case like this, you should fake-smile and discreetly leave because it’s a super-painful experience for you and a minor-annoyance at the most for anyone who really wanted you there. Kudos to you for trying and putting yourself out there; but know when to call it quits if it doesn’t work out. Before I knew I was autistic I not only suffered from being unable to participate in festivities with those around me, but I would beat myself up (and hate on myself) for being a horrible person for refusing to engage and not having “fun”. This is why I would refuse to carpool and instead take my car everywhere; because it was my escape pod. Just having that abort-option alone reduced my anxiety. My point is, I consider it common courtesy to smile when someone approaches me. Maybe it’s involuntary, maybe it’s haphazard, maybe it’s totally cringeworthy fake, but I make the effort to show that I’m NOT trying to be rude and NOT annoyed by others who just want to enjoy themselves. I do my best to show I am trying to make an effort to not be a smug a-hole. I remember in high school how (once the conditions were right and I had a conversation with a fellow student) they would remark how surprised they were by my cool, calm, intelligent, and/or funny demeanor because they had always thought I was “stuck up”. I remember being taken aback a few times, even annoyed at the idea that someone would pre-judge me before they ever knew me. After a few times this happened, it became clear to me that I must be the problem. Maybe it was the way I carried myself (I wondered). I received an ADHD diagnosis along with the news of my autism. Now I understand that I was most likely lost in thought when roaming through the hallways or sitting at my desk bored in class. Always (even to this day) playing out future scenarios or fantasies in my head. The expressions that would wash over my face must have looked like someone watching a thrilling movie or a tragic love story. My mind doesn’t “idle” like others. I’m usually so lost in thought that I lose complete track of time and what I was meaning to physically do. Sometimes friends would come up to me (very concerned) at social gatherings and urgently ask me, “What’s Wrong!?!”. I’d snap out of it and say, “Nothing, I’m good!” And they would give me this concerning heartfelt look like, “I know your hurting. Tell me your tragic tale of woe.”, but I legit was bored, with no one to talk to, and just hoping to remain invisible till an appropriate enough amount of time had passed for me to leave. Because of this newfound awareness that others could magically mind-read me like an open-book (they could observe how I felt even at times when I was oblivious to my own emotions), I would try harder to not bring attention to myself (something we now call “masking”). No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t work. Some tips I can give for light conversation starters are to ask the person about themselves, what they do for a living, where they’re from, married, kids, parents health, siblings, recent vacations, upcoming vacations, plans for retirement, home DIY projects, hobbies, talents, etc… Of course you won’t care what their answers will be, so it feels fake and insincere to even ask, but it’s a fair ask because you don’t know their answer yet! You might find you have a common experience, a shared interest, or just be entertained by how interesting the person turns out to be. Just like how people would prejudge me as snooty, you are prejudging others around you as boring and below even conversing with; thus showing your total lack of interest by not expressing enough interest to even be bothered to ask a few basic questions to find some underlying common ground for building a “real” conversation with. If you can’t be bothered to reach out, then don’t expect others to do all the heavy lifting for you. You have to meet people halfway and if you don’t want to form connections with others, then don’t (that’s fine), but don’t complain how people aren’t going out of their way to get to know you. Either leave or put yourself out there. Do not make it the responsibility of someone else to chat you up; but at the same time, don’t feel like a crappy human being for not wanting to engage with the other human beings. It’s perfectly okay to not want to talk to others. You need to discern if it’s YOU who wants to talk to others or if it’s the MASK that says it’s what you’re supposed to do. Back to your concern of not knowing what part of you is subconsciously masking and what part of you is genuine. I can only speak as an old man, but over the years I slowly began to care less-and-less what other people thought. Of course I care what my loved ones think, but I don’t care as much what strangers think. Even if it’s someone I care about; if I know I’m in the right, then it affects me less. Maybe that comes with age, maybe it comes with the type of solo career-work I do, or how I have become a walled off recluse who doesn’t party anymore out of obligation to friends. I am basically a hermit. And ya know what? I’m happy. Pathetic? Yes. Lonely? No. I am selective about who I hang out with. I don’t like to do group things because I am ALWAYS the odd-man out. I will hang out with someone if it’s just that person alone (maybe with their wife), because then I have their undivided attention and may enjoy an interesting conversation before some jag-off starts changing the topic to sports. I only hang out with those I can either have a deep soulful, intellectual, or philosophical conversation with or someone who understands my special interest (technology & engineering). Don’t set yourself up to fail. Don’t shut yourself off to the world like me (at least continue giving it a chance till you hit my age). Once I was finally able to let go of the fear of what others would think (while still maintaining friendless, kindness, and common courtesy to those around me), I think that’s when I began to allow myself to be my genuine self. Thank goodness my true-self isn’t an ego-centric a-hole. Even then (if you’re an a-hole deep down inside) does that mean you should stop masking and be your true horrible self (for the sake of your own mental health)? I’d say the same rules apply. When you’re around others, be on your best-behavior so as not to offend. I do NOT consider this masking. This is extending common courtesy through human decency to our fellow neighbor. If all you wanna do is offend, then spend less time around others (like me when I can’t add anything to a group’s dynamic). Always have an escape-pod (be it your car, ride-share, or room). Even when I travel with family, I make it a point to save up enough to have my own room. Back in college I lived by myself in a room no bigger than a walk-in-closet and I LOVED it because I wouldn’t have to live with another dude. These measures are now referred to as “accommodations”. Accommodate yourself, avoid social gatherings you know will bring you pain, and grant yourself the grace to accept that you’re not super-charismatic in certain situations and that’s perfectly okay. Above all, be kind. If you’re worried you might be masking, ask yourself, “Am I doing this 1.) out of fear of obligation to someone else, 2.) because it’s what a normie would do but I don’t understand it or agree with it, or 3.) because this is a kindness or a friendly gesture?” Once you have your answer, you may then begin to chisel away at that mask of yours. It will take a long time, and the question above may not always result in a quick and obvious answer for every situation you are in. Sometimes you’ll have to ponder it and send a probe deep down into your subconscious psyche to figure out what your true intentions and motivations are. It’s a journey of self discovery that never ends, but will help you grow and discover the best version of yourself that’s always been there with you and waiting to shine. Best of luck!
"Not enough" and "too much", in that sense, are closely related, in my experience. Toward some of the few people that gave me the time of day, I probably became somewhat clingy, and they didn't love it. I can also relate to the part with the family. My family was viewing me as basically the most gifted kid they've ever seen, and so I have absolutely avoided to show them signs of weakness or a closer connection for the longest time. And even now, there are really only 2 family members that I'd trust with my life. It's rough out there, but at least I'm doing okay. Anyway yeah, I can relate to a lot of your story.
@@MR-md2clI've gone out of my way to meet people halfway but I still feel the same way as the first commenter like people still don't make the effort to interact with me and I have to do the heavy lifting all the fucking time and if I don't then I become invisible like Casper the ghost as I used to describe myself when I was younger. So I started wondering if it was my fault then I rebranded myself in middle school and started performing extraversion like masking a lot more so that I could have friends but I would crash in the middle of each semester not knowing why.
@@BeautyAnarchist I’m sorry to hear that. After learning I was autistic, I had to acknowledge the blind spots I have when it comes to social communication. I will never understand what they are, or learn how to read or emote them either. (You don’t know what you don’t know.) That’s just our lot in life. I hated myself as a child, even after growing up into my 20’s & 30’s. Of course I’d blame myself when interactions didn’t go how I hoped. It wasn’t till I was much older that I realized, if somebody doesn’t meet me half way, then that’s on them and they’re not worth the effort. It works both ways; both parties have to be willing to connect. If you find yourself in situations where the friends around you are effortlessly connecting with others (while those others refuse to connect with you), then it’s easy to conclude that you’re too flawed; but PLEASE do NOT believe that. We are all flawed. I’ve met lots of people I did not want to talk to, but if they made the effort then I reciprocated. If the people you find yourself with cannot even be bothered to extend to you that level of friendliness, then that’s probably on them. For all I know, you could come off as very rude, blunt, or super-negative person, so people may avoid you, but I don’t believe you are - at least not when trying to mingle with someone new. Give yourself some credit, and grant yourself the grace to consider that it might be the company you keep or the circles you roll in that are, let’s say, “not-compatible” with you. That’s fine! Nothing wrong with that. We CANNOT be all things to all people! However, we should always keep a healthy level of skepticism to evaluate if we “came off too strong” or “word-vomited” our special interest non-stop while meeting someone (it happens to the best of us). Who knows, maybe we give “crazy eyes” or they misinterpreted our “vibe” while we were excited and nervous to meet someone new. My point is, eventually someone out there may surprise you and enjoy a conversation with you. It’s easy for me to say, “do not get discouraged”, because I myself cannot handle rejection. However that rejection should only matter from good people you truly care about - not from strangers (or a rando friend-of-a-friend). I know I “rub” some people the wrong way. It cannot be helped. I am blunt, I speak my mind, and I don’t play games with subtext. If a person cannot deal with that, then I’m not gonna mask-up everytime I’m around them. People gotta accept me for me; if they wanna be around me. If you truly believe yourself to be a decent and caring person, then those people who avoid and ignore you may be jerks and insecure themselves to be around someone who actually wants to hold a thoughtful conversation and not parrot back the most banal conversations in history that I’ve overheard some of my friends have with the people who wouldn’t give me the time of day. Some people are just petty and superficial. If you aren’t to their expected level of hotness, or super-popular, rich, powerful, wear the right clothes, have the right look, etc., then you may as well be an insect to those people. Equally pay those types of people no attention in return - BUT always be the better person and leave the door open to friendship if they later warm up to you. Nothing bothers those types of people more than someone who doesn’t care enough to hate them (shows them just how little they matter if you’re always friendly and smile). Who knows, maybe once a person gets to know you (say after working a project together or hanging in the same circles), they may come to realize they made an error in judgement upon their first-impression of you. They might eventually see how you’re not actually a rude, boring, or bad person. They may come to appreciate knowing someone they could have “real” interesting conversations with who will cut through all the bs and tell them what they need to hear. Ya never know. I hope this helps some. As autistics, we are very literal and to someone who is not accustomed to that, it can be jarring and unbecoming, so we should be patient with them, while we allow our true unmasked selves to shine brighter and brighter over time. Sure, you won’t make as many “friends” this way, but the ones you do make will definitely be keepers worth having around in your life for years to come. Good Luck!
I definitely find myself molding my personality to match the people I am associating with, rather than just being myself. Trying to fit in has always been a big part of my life, even though I rarely do for any length of time.
0:20 People with epilepsy or disabling heart problems don't have symptoms all the time, yet may try to present as "normal" as possible; more than a few disabilities are like that.
When you talk about agreeing w things you don’t agree with and your personality leaving your body I felt so seen😭 like I always felt very frustrated with myself and was like “I wish I could just be myself” after years of masking. I would just automatically pander to what other people said and it upset me and I had to make a concerted effort to unlearn that behavior. It was a way of survival in high school and middle school but once I became an adult and started learning myself better I would get so upset that I would do that you described it so well because I always said there is just some kind of barrier and I feel like I’m not able to be myself. Like my personality is behind a wall trying to be let out and for some reason I can’t access it.
I’m absolutely shocked at how well this describes me. I was always socially awkward and intense, until my mid-20s when I met someone who helped me to understand what people expect and how to behave. Because I always want to please others, I became increasingly good at masking, but it always takes its toll. Many years later I was finally in a long term relationship - with someone who works with autistic children - and she told me I was autistic. But I thought she was just being nasty. Maybe I should seek a diagnosis… Thanks for your work!
![Quando Rondo - Grow Up [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/8zFnCg3BO4Q/mqdefault.jpg)
This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but what do you think of these categories? Do any of them reflect your experience?
Also, you can probably spot a bit of crossover between these different types/feel you perform more than one in the same interaction.
Remember that there are autistic people who do not mask or mask to a lesser extent. So if this doesn’t resonate with you, that doesn’t mean you’re not autistic! Also, neurotypical people do mask too. I have a video comparing introvert and autistic masking experiences with my husband here: ruclips.net/video/kLqpaeRNMvs/видео.html
But it’s something I’m sure I’ll talk more about in future. Masking can feel like such an elusive, abstract topic sometimes.
If you missed my video talking abot how masking can feel from the inside, you might find that helpful: ruclips.net/video/H4vcMWB7fuQ/видео.html
I also think the theory of monotropism is really relevant here and may explain why autistic masking requires more effort than a neurotypical presenting themselves a certain way for work etc: ruclips.net/video/3mBbOOzhoGQ/видео.html
Thank you for being here! See you on Christmas Eve 💛🎄
I flipped between all these masks, and fooled myself into believing I was normal. The wife doesn't really mask all that much, she didn't really pickup that was "necessary"
Thanks for the video, it was awesome.
Omg...today I learned extrovert masking has a title 😅 I've been doing that all my life and yup... exhausting 😅
I found the categories very comprehensive and useful 🙂 Masking is otherwise difficult to understand/identify
Is it odd that I never really masked?. Im neurodivergent and really weird to other people. I honestly never really cared what people thought because I'm just in my own world.
And I honestly don't think I could pretend to be someone I'm not even if i tried, that sounds like hell.
Even if it meant being treated like I was either stupid or didn't exist for majority of my life.
When you're masking and someone goes "I love your personality" and you think "Good. I made this one specifically for you. You were supposed to enjoy it, just as planned."
Woah. I feel seen.
Omg, I felt that....
I am not diagnosed but wow, this hurts LOL it's so true
Thinking stuff like this makes me like a sociopath sometimes and I feel guilty. 😂
🤣🤣🤣 Nice
I masked so hard I didn't realize that all the videos on what autism is like were just my life and I thought I was normal and that autistic people were not explaining themselves well.
When I was in middle school, an autistic classmate did a presentation on autism. He presented an audio clip of what it sounds like for an autistic person in a restaurant (hearing every overwhelming sound). I was not impressed with this clip, because I thought: “duh, that’s exactly what it sounds like to be in a restaurant.” I only realized I was autistic 9 years later.
@@gigahorse1475 How were we supposed to know, the allistic kids never explain what's going on in their heads!! I want to see the neurotypical kids presentation on what's its like to go to the restaurant without any conditions.
@@gigahorse1475that’s so funny, im just now reading your comment realizing that exact thing. I always thought “ya I hear everything too, that’s how ears work”
@@gigahorse1475 my mother thinking im perfectly "normal" as in neurotypical because she was even more whatever i was. Yeah both autistic...she was always self employed so she had to mask for lesser periods of time. Not for me...working in company after company...melting and shutting down on a regular basis, always confused about stuff...praised for technical knowledge but always warned that i need to "improve my communication"...and never explained whats wrong about it. My dad is diagnosed with ADHD. So no one was neurotypical in the home and going to school and work were a succession of very rude awakenings.
if i knew i was going out i would purposefully gat the flu to cause hearing loss , of cause i never cleaned wax out my ears as well , and so i only went to school for 100 days a yar each year , funny enough all in winter , as i was more sick in autunm, and spring when it rained the most , even walking to school after grade 3 i would instantly get a sniffly nose and heard everything happening inside my body , with ears infected , but as soon as i was at home i was all better , it was a 3pm thing too , i was cured always by 3pm cos the sun s heat at 2pm could disolve the mucus , so masking for me was always to be sick, but with covid lockdowns , being inside let me not be sick finally, plus if i did my fake sniffle & cough in public , people look at us like we are patient zero @@gigahorse1475
Hot take: The wheelchair analogy would be more appropriate if they had back problems instead of being paraplegic. The difference between someone who takes care of themself by using the wheelchair and refusing to risk onjuring themself further vs someone gritting their teeth and screaming on the inside and making themself worse.
I'd even go as far as to point out that some ambulatory wheelchair users will forgo their chair for small, quick errands that they feel they are able to handle because they are *substancially* more likely to face discrimination in public if their disability is visible.
Much like with people who use mobility aids, some autistics are incapable of hiding their disability, others are able to camouflage it very well, and others struggle to camouflage it, but may choose to do so in some situations even at the expense of their own health out of fear of facing discrimination.
@@LilChuunosuke Good point! Or just because the chair can be a hassle especially if the facilities aren't easily accessible.
President FDR was paralyzed but orchestrated ways to conceal it.
it’s always amusing (in a fucked up sorta way) that people on forums like r/fakedisodercringe always use physically disabled folks as like their “model” for what a real disabled person looks like. but you know damn well they would accuse most wheelchair users of faking their disability if they are ambulatory users
Yeah, the analogy reminds me of my mother who can walk by herself, but will be in increasing amounts of pain the longer she does so. Just because she can cope with short distances without a wheelchair, that doesn't mean she's not disabled.
I kinda just stumbled on autism videos, mostly because my husband and I have been noticing subtle behaviors in our toddler that have start to make us question. But now I've been ugly crying in my cubicle 2 days in a row watching these videos because for the first time in my life I'm hearing people articulate my inner experience and my whole life suddenly makes sense. I'm just flashing back to a billion scenarios that have always baffled me but I now understand. My mind is completely blown. Thank you so much for this video. I've never felt so unexpectedly validated.
Me, too...53 yrs old, and if I am autistic, it explains SO much!
This is exactly what happened to me ❤️
Me too. Glad to meet you
I watched her video on “you’re probably not autistic” to prove to myself I’m being dramatic and I’m not…. Only to relate to every single thing. Now I’m 3 videos deep and just am so disheartened that I mask so hard no one believes I could possibly be neurodivergent… all my therapists are like “I don’t see it.” When I bring it up and it discourages me from seeking an assessment. But I do have relief that I’m not the only person who worked this hard to person 😭
@@aintthatbelle9896I’m getting tested next week. I watched that video too and I was about 50/50
I really can't belive that I went through life for 36 years beating myself up for not being able to do the things everyone else seemed to do so easily. Then autism gets brought up by my wife, I dismiss it, because there's nothing wrong with me of course, I'm just an idiot and failure, and then come to find out there's nothing I've ever heard or seen that's described my experience in life better. Really grateful to all the people getting out there and sharing their experiences helping us all out.
44 years here. Such a huge relief to FINALLY understand that I was never the failure or the idiot; I hope it had the same effect on you to make the discovery.
59 before I "figured" it out. My 60th birthday I spent crying like a baby. I've done a ton of work on myself, yet this A was elusive and there was no way I fit into the stereotype I had created for what that represented in my born in 1964 brain. Authentic Autistic voices are helping me integrate, that and a great therapist. I suggest finding an ND therapist, I feel like I finally found someone that speaks the same obscure language I do, or at least understands it! Wishing you peace and clarity. 💜
One potential analogy for masking would be using makeup to cover a pimple. Being good enough at doing your makeup to hide the pimple doesn't magically make the pimple go away; it still hurts if you poke it.
And you have to put in a load of effort to keep covering it up
The analogy I use is that it's like carrying around a heavy box. Sometimes you have to carry heavy boxes, but you wouldn't walk around holding one for hours at a time. Yet that's what they want us to do.
it's also a great analogy because sometimes trying to cover up the pimple makes it stand out even more. Just like how sometimes trying to mask makes you even more of a target of people's ill-will😅
Another great analogy @@bosstowndynamics5488
@@kkuudandere100%!
my sister is autistic, so i started watching this video to try to understand her perspective better. i came out of this video realising that i may need to schedule myself an autism assessment 😅
🤣
and autism is genetic...
I relate to all the points, and habe cptsd, so there are other forms of neurodivergence to potentially have. :)
@@siiiriously3226 Turn to bible and allow CHRIST to be your therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist. No man nor women fits to be one. All are sinners and without glory, all are tempted and suffer the same.
All are expected to REPENT AND BORN AGAIN, to LIVE HOLY AND GO AND SIN NO MORE.
All are weak in the daily fight between their spirit and flesh.
All these therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist, this world provides, can do is:
to deceive and steal.
They deceived you through all these “diagnoses” and they steal your money, through all the pills which you “need”.
In short: they poison your mind and your overall health, leaving you with neither one.
Therapist, Psychologist and Psychiatrist = Field where no human soul, never ever going to fit of being an help, no matter the among of years spend in “medical schools” or the decree gotten from there.
ALL of us are daily deceived, no matter the walks of life.
Do not trust one nor to try to be one.
1 John 4:1 KJV
Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
Turn to the BIBLE yourself and advice it to others also.
Typically you or your sister aren’t the only ones. So yah get the assessment.
The idea of monotropism as an explanation of autism really applies to social situations! For me, one-on-one or sometimes two is inherently less difficult, more fulfilling, and less exhausting.
😊yes😊
Same! I much prefer one-on-one interactions, more than two is just too much-
Definitely a very common autistic experience! I'm trying to think if I've actually seen any studies on this though...
Yesss, preach!! 😭
I'm the exact opposite. The smaller the circle, the more tiring and forced the interaction seems to me
Periodically, I'll convince myself that I'm just weird and have very inattentive ADD.
Theeeeen I stumble upon a video like this about autism and just sit with my jaw open for 25 minutes as I am forcefully reminded of and called out on a lifetime of thought patterns and behaviors.
This video was like getting sucker punched into my childhood, then getting whiplash from abruptly reeling back to my present behaviors.
You did a great job formatting this video and describing in detail the internal side of these behaviors. Well done!
I’m trying to gently ease my partner into looking at potential autism.
Like, I remember she said “i do know whats going on on my face but sometimes it’s the wrong thing by accident. but im aware its the wrong thing i just got distracted” and I was just like: “that doesn’t sound very allistic but okay” lol
Only problem is that she has ADHD and getting her to watch videos I send her is… not easy lmao
God, when you spoke about your experience in college it really hit home
I was spent grade school being "that kid" being generally weird cause it got positive reactions from people (looking back, I think a majority were laughing AT me not with lol)
Then when college came I basically reinvented myself cause I wanted to fit in, I spent so much time and money on trying to dress trendy, listening to music that was popular, basically studying the hippest slang and fads
It basically came crashing down when a girl I wanted to ask out told me that I "tried too hard" then realized that all my efforts were for nothing and people saw right through me.
Spent the latter half of my 20s being a depressed loner, filled with self loathing, feeling like I didn't belong in this world.
Now I found out I'm autistic, and that I spent a good portion of my life masking without even realizing and that was the reason for my downward spiral.
I'm now picking up the piece and learning to love myself again and being my true self as well. It's a good feeling honestly.
Your story matches mine so closely...
I'm going to be raw and open here about my perspective and history with masking - People thinking trying to "act normal" is made up just don't understand autism. You feel so different than everyone else, separate. I thought something was wrong with me for a long time and it really effected my self esteem and confidence for most of my life into my 30's. For me at least I did masking to try and hide my true self, being ashamed I was broken or wrong or dumb in some way, and also to try and fit in and make friends, feel "normal". Looking back it was so toxic for myself and how I handled it. I never voiced these feelings to others out of shame, or that I'd be so dumb to just not get some basic aspect of life, when really even my parents weren't versed in what autism was or how it manifested in behavior.
I put in the effort to learn more about my behavior, then that led to autism, masking (which was a thing I was doing for DECADES but never had a word for it or thought about it!)... Understanding it better has really helped me break down a lot of my trauma and personal issues to better myself and be a stronger, more capable person sure of myself and my place in the world.
Masking is exhausting. Its not the same at all of people just being introverted and needing a "recharge" by being alone for a bit. Masking adds up over time and sometimes it feels like I need months off by myself, or around people I'm close with. Its like acting and many of us are unfortunately very good at it. When you see it as a necessity you learn to get good quick, as sad as that is. I think sometimes that long term exhaustion from masking and the need to rest is confused with depression. Looking back, I can identify when I've been depressed, and separately I can identify when it was just needing a recharge from all the recent masking. Its a layer of extra effort for EVERYTHING, and it does take its toll! That's the part others don't understand, they cant empathize with something they've never dealt with.
This is just my point of view speculative opinion on it all - When I was masking, I felt like most were doing it too, and that everyone had this well of their true self contained from the world, but that isn't the case. People who aren't autistic rarely mask. They might not share their entire opinion or be polite, but that isn't the same as masking to try to appear "normal" all the time. Very different behaviors. In my OPINION, most people are pretty boring and are what they present as most of the time. I've found the most interesting people who I can have real conversations with (when we both have the energy and are in the mood!) and truly enjoy their company are fellow autistic people. Its fun getting to know each other more. I find most of them to be way deeper and more interesting in character and personality than most. Subjective, highly personal, just my thoughts on it. It just feels like a real, complex, developed personality/person.
situational mutism masking needs to be talked about more often
I’ve just realised that I never spoke a word to my ex’s parents and friends with which I wouldn’t feel at ease and we’ve been together for 4 years.
And in 4 years I just stood there silent when I wasn’t alone with him looool
Oh gods. This. People, who I know will disagree with me, I don't talk to much. Which means there are people believing me to be a quiet mouse. And then my friends who we lovingly infodump at each other.
I've never done scripted convos for boring people though. Maybe I should...? (Definitely a situation with my in-laws).
I was brutalized by a PO because of ^^... still don't have an official diagnoses cos I'm broke as a joke but..
i just realized that’s what i’ve been doing, where i want to say something but no words come out
@@hippocraticloafI’m so sorry. If I could hate them any more, I would 😢
I have a bad knee--torn meniscus that I'm trying to arrange surgery for. I generally wear a leg brace and sometimes walk with a cane. Most times I walk with a pronounced limp. I can, however, force a normal stride. I can even ignore the pain and run for a bit. The problem is, those things tear up the interior of the knee more and, at the least, aggravate the existing injury that I pay for with increased pain later.
That's masking.
Damn I love this comment, thank you for sharing. Bringing masking into the physical side just reiterates more so how masking can sometimes be harmful
Didn’t FDR famously do this? For quite some time he’d make sure he always turned up before the press, and then have someone stand beside him to prop him up, to hide his restricted mobility?
T H I S
@@paul_muscatit makes me sad that he felt the need to do that in order to seem like a good leader
I masked with a hyper positivite personality and was labeled hypomanic and then would crash out of exhaustion from faking and get burn out, but it was labeled depression. I was labeled bipolar 2, but stimming and unmasking is helping way more than any meds did. I never felt myself even on meds. I used to say for years to my mom that I wish I could take this mask off. No one understood what that meant. Not even me until recently.
i can seriously relate to this. until this video/your comment i was still thinking back on my teen years and wondering if i was, indeed, bipolar even though i really didn't think so. your description explains my experience so much, thanks for sharing
I was the opposite , in fact i used to mask so well, it wasnt due to wanting to fit in , its from teachers picking on the kids who fidget , who even moved , i got so bad at being a statue student i even spoke with mouth closed , also , at home ,.. i never shut up & was a perpetual figit til i sat down obedienly in class
I was about to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I had an aha moment and that's when I asked my mental health team if Autism could be possible. Then they had an 'aha' moment too and everything started to make sense and I got the support I actually needed for the first time in my life.
I masked as an over the top happy bubbly manic person and then would crash so hard for months and be labelled depressed or told it was depressive episodes. It was severe burnout and since masking less, since understanding me more, I have managed to have actual stability for the first time ever.
Still when I'm around people I can't help but do the bubbly mask, but I'm learning that I don't need to do that and I'm practicing being present w/out extreme bubbly fawning 😂
That was my mask as well. I did eventually develop depression, but not having to put that mask on once I realized there was a choice was quite freeing.
Depression is a pretty complementary symptom often , so if you do, it doesnt make it less ok to not figure out where comes that from. :(
Holy shit, I just realized one of my masking behaviors. When someone mentions a subject they're interested in or an emotion they're feeling, I immediately respond with an anecdote about how the same thing happened to me. It's to make me seem more relateable, like, I've always known that I just didn't realize it was masking until just now.
Yeah I do that but then you get told you're narcissistic . I have to remember to put some words of sympathy in there first before putting my story in.
@@lilme7052and if you do that you'll get told its also a narcissist technique.
Best advice I can give is that people who jump to calling you a narcissist probably aren't worth having in your life - for as much as it might hurt cutting them out, it will hurt more in the long term staying with people in that mindset.
Omg. I did the same. All the way until my mid 20s until I got mocked online by someone. Then I stopped because I realized it wasnt " normal "
@@lilme7052 I got that a lot too!
Well, you just made me realize that's one of mine, as well."
asking questions is also my way of socializing: they’re happy cuz they get to talk about themselves, i’m happy because i don’t feel like i have to entertain them (plus I love listening and absorbing information)
I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and you’ve pretty much described what they say. Mirroring, smiling, saying their name, and asking questions is all in there.
Maybe Dale Carnegie was autistic himself 🤔
Personally I absolutely hate it when people say my name when they already have my attention. So aggravating. But I realise that's unusual.
It's sad because the book starts out on the right foot, like something about not judging, being understanding and things like that. But then it just becomes a bunch of cringe social manipulation that sticks out like a sore thumb to anyone with an actual soul. I don't know what's worse: how manipulative/cringe it is, or how effective it is on so many people. Absolutely disgusting. I reject that book wholesale.
@@Misharr86 I hate it too! But where I'm from (Finland) it's considered to be weird and cringe to say the other person's name when talking to them and we are taught in school that in other countries it's considered to be polite and friendly and that we should say the other person's name if we are talking in another language to non-Finnish people 😂
@@Misharr86 yeah, I also think that would sound very weird (almost like they were a sales person going by a script or something rather than just being themselves I guess?)
But I actually seem to have some sort of aversion to calling anyone by their name, even when it's needed to get their attention (I suppose almost like how I am with eye contact, although not as bad). I don't mind people calling me by name to get my attention at all though. And I seem to be fine using people's names to refer to them in conversation with others, just not with them. I have no idea why.
I had to start masking as early as 5 years old because my adoptive mother would physically hit me for "acting like a r-slur," and years later when i got diagnosed at 13, they hid it from me and i found out other ways years later. Being forced to mask over that and then hiding the diagnosis has been extremely detrimental
I am so sorry!!! What an awful thing to go through. I'm glad you found out about your diagnosis. It sounds like you're learning it's not your fault and how to love yourself. Good for you! Take care of yourself. Plenty of people (incl. myself) can understand how hard it can be. ❤
@@nanimalgirlEssie I was 17 when i found out, because i found the diagnostic report, and funnily enough i had been heavily suspecting being autistic for several months before that. It's been 9 years since then and I'm doing a lot better since finding out and now being able to be no contact with them. Thank you for your comment
You just unlocked a memory from my childhood. I used to flap my arms and both my mother and sister told me to knock it off because I look like a r* word 😢
I also learned early on to mask with people pleasing because my father was abusive. I havent been officially diagnosed but watching and researching more and more about autism, the more and more it makes sense.
Hot take, they helped you. It was tough love and probably saved you from a lot of social issues
“ask people questions” is a technique that i learned in Sims games. i will praise this series till my death of how helpful it was for me in learning socialising
OMG!! I learn all my human interactions and 'how to life' from Sims as well!! ❤
@@CindyPak same!
Same!
" I'm here, I'm human, and I can make this noise with my mouth that humans make when they talk to each other"
i really felt that
I’m crying watching this. I just feel like it all makes sense. At the beginning of this video like I often do I doubted how much I would relate to the things you’d talk about. Now I’m crying from how relatable this is. You’re very self aware. I appreciate you sharing your realizations so eloquently. Thank you!!
My partner recently pointed out to me that I seem to go nonverbal whenever I'm stressed, and that that's probably autism.
I went from being a really outgoing kid, to just entirely blank and quiet... one time someone told me they "didn't know I had feelings".
So yeah, I definitely had and still have to an extend, that stoic mask on.
By now I've refined it a lot more though, so most of the time, people just notice that I'm rather soft spoken and maybe a bit shy, but no one that isn't actually close to me would ever expect me to be autistic.
One phrase I keep hearing is "You don't seem autistic, you hold eye contact perfectly well!"... _yeah, because I studied how to do it for the past 15 years. I reverse engineered social interaction and succeeded, thanks for noticing._
I've also noticed that people get surprised hearing me talk about the things I enjoy, or just seeing me in casual clothes... it'd just be nice if they stopped making it sound so weirdly negative.
At least now, I've found a friend group, mostly consisting of ND people, who is encouraging me to drop the mask at least sometimes...
I started wearing makeup more often (despite being a guy), using it make myself look like a corpse, because I just like it, I'm planning to start wearing more clothing that I actually like, rather than what makes me fit in (once I stop being broke that is), and I let myself go off about my special interests sometimes.
It seems to be a long process, but it's actually making me hate myself a bit less, so I think even though it's exhausting sometimes, I'll keep going.
Don't mind me casually writing a paragraph about my experiences that probably no one will read.
I read your paragraph! I really relate to having other people call me emotionless, people have done that to me my entire life and it's so tiring.
@@rootbeef It absolutely is.
I had the issue that in high school, my "friend group" eventually started making a lot of jokes at my expense and me being as blank as I was back then, coupled with the struggle of social interaction, led to them genuinely hurting my feelings a lot, and just not noticing it at all.
It's a huge pain sometimes...
Thanks for sharing this. ❤
Finding the right group of ND friends is a really great thing. My friends have really helped me feel comfortable letting the mask go sometimes, and they were the first ones to suggest I might be autistic.
Yay I’m glad u can be yourself more nowadays
I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" a couple decades back and remember coming away from it thinking that the writer was awfully cold-blooded. At the same time, I saw how several of his strategies made sense from a psychological perspective, especially the parts about "invoke their self-interest". Heinlein said something similar (paraphrased): "Don't bother appealing to a man's better nature; he may not have one. Invoking his self-interest is much more effective."
From what I understand of the book, it’s basically about how to manipulate people...my least favorite thing. I read a lot of Heinlein as a teen, and always had the sense that he had a pretty bleak view of humanity; I never made it through Stranger in a Strange Land, because it spent so much time on people trying to manipulate the protagonist for personal gain. It suddenly occurs to me that the protagonist was in many ways a lot like an autistic person. Now I’m curious what prompted Heinlein to write that one.
Dude right?? Now that I think about it, what would prompt someone to even write a book about how to win friends and influence people low-key-high-key sounds like someone who is autistic and had to put WAY more thought into interactions than any NT person usually would 🤔 @@jimwilliams3816
...well I always tought it was quite decent way to make friends, always made sense.-
I read that book when I was 10 years old, and helped me understand how to mask better, I don't think I became another person, and I think everyone manipulates everyone on purpose or not, when you talk something in a cute voice with your father, mother or something like that, you are trying to convince them of getting you something, or when you speak in an elegant way with your boss about a possible mistake they made, you are manipulating him into thinking you are not mad at him or disrespecting him, even tho you want to yell at him for something awful he did at work. I had to learn that if I started a conversation talking about me, people would be bored because I'm too intense on specific subjects, so I ask questions about their interests, and if something is related to some of my special interests I now know I can open up a little bit about it, cause this person may hear me more, if I do not relate to anything the person says, I know I have to keep a little distance from that person, and treat as a colleague cause if I try to be friends with her, I will have to only listen about their things and not talk about what I want, so I just keep a distance with subtlety. I think the problem with "Manipulation" is if you are trying to make people do things that harm them and benefit you, or you're making them feel bad about something that is not their fault to convince them of what you want them to do, instead of being honest or just keeping you're distance. At least that's how I used the book, to understand how I could not be an annoyance to people, and how can I spot people who might be great to be friends with, without having to expose myself right away.
I know most people think that this should be natural, but I don't think autistic people will make it naturally, the point is, I don't need to mask as much now, because I understand interactions enough to keep my distance and save energy from unnecessary interactions, while using my energy for the people I actually think deserve my "masking" energy, and that made me a lot less drained. I know it is not the perfect world, but I think no one is living a perfect life, some are better than mine and some are worse, so I'm just adapting as I can with as little harm to me as possible, and getting better now with psychology and psychiatrist treatment. The problem is when people around you force you to mask, I masked a lot on my parents house, but after living alone, and now married, I only have to mask when I go there every other week, so it is ok and is worth it cause I love them, even tho they don't know that I am autistic and all the difficulties that come with it, they made their best with what they knew and I feel lucky to not be abused or something (I believe my father is autistic or at least has a lot of symptoms, that probably made my life easier, even tho he never noticed how different he is from other people, at least he kind of understood me in some ways.
super helpful comment, thanks for writing that @@Lucas-mk1gi
The accent-matching thing you mention in the "fawn" section are very interesting to me as it's a trait I've always identified in myself but never realized was linked to autism or even the fawn response at a broader level.
I've been subtlely matching accents and vocabulary for my entire life and only now realizing it was a way of fitting in.
I always chalked it up before to me being an actor and liking to mimic even subconsciously. Never connected it to my autism specifically until recently.
I thought I was just a wee bit British because I watched way too much British TV. So much supernanny.
I also tend to sometimes adjust my accent depending on who I was with. I don’t do that now to the extent I used to, but now I sort of mix accents. I did like acting but that wasn’t really why.
@@wafflesthearttoad6916 Lol same, I watch so much British comedy (stand-up, QI, Taskmaster, Big Fat Quiz, etc) and I think it's really rubbed off on me which probably exacerbates the "You speak strangely" autism trope 😅
My co-workers don't speak English as well as I do and I deliberately speak like them (within reason of course, we have very obviously different education backgrounds) and I know if I spoke in the manner natural to me I would be further ostracized.
I am a people pleaser. Only recently have I decided to stop being it 24/7. Everyone thinks I am an extrovert but it is a mask for me.
I feel like masking is kinda like how everyone has a customer service voice that's a little inauthentic, but instead it's like putting on your customer service personality that is inoffensively beige.
The hardest thing I found about wearing a literal mask during covid was not being able to fawn so much. I smile at every person I see. Every one. Not being able to smile - the only way I know how to signal that I'm 'safe' and friendly..... I just tried not to look at anyone at all.
I realised this again more recently having dinner with family. We were talking about someone from my past who was an a-hole and I said 'you can tell from my face what I think of him.' The response from my brother in law was 'Actually I really can't, you look just as smiley as ever.' I forgot my face doesn't reflect my feelings in public.
I've got the opposite problem! I've got big bushy eyebrows and tend to narrow my eyes and frown when I'm thinking. I'm thinking a LOT so I've got 24/7 Resting b Face. 😠😠😠
Wearing a mask at least covered up my scowl of concentration. 😷
I’ve often seen people mention the physical mask as allowing them to hide their expressions, for better or for worse. This has surprised me, as crinkling one’s eyes is a key part of an “authentic”-looking smile. As such, I can give what I think is a warm, smiling acknowledgment of people even with just my eyes.
Also, yeah, a smile is my default mask in social situations, too. It’s often what feels like a small smile but is actually just a not-frowning face. I’ve used bigger smiles in the past, but I think I’ve gotten out of the habit. I have to actively remind myself to switch the smile out for other expressions as conversation shifts. (Note that my long-term smile doesn’t necessarily have the crinkled eyes-those are saved for when I need to emphasize my smile.)
I was reassured by knowing that I could smile with my eyes while the mask hid my smile. The eye crinkle is essential.
OMGGG ME TOOOOOOOO . i dont like yo speak, its hard and saying words is hard. i was labeled “smiley” at my first customer service job. at the second job after covid, i often wasnt able to smile as much and got a lot of customer complaints for being rude. i think that happened because i forgot how to fawn during stressful situation durinf mask season. because i no longer had to do it for a long time.
That "meme" makes me so angry...it is definitely possible to mask physical disabilities, as well. FDR comes to mind as probably the most famous example of that. No one should have to mask any disability, mental or physical. ❤
Yep! I have hEDS and it doesn't "look" like I have pain and fatigue. People just think I'm really good at yoga lollol
Agreed. Many people with chronic illness(es) mask as well.
I had severe gastric disorders as a kid and I was labeled as the slacker who lies to avoid having to go to school, and I had a joint disorder that prevented me from joining Physical Education, and I got labeled as even more of a slacker and bullied for lying. Yes, because the doctor's note is definitely forged. Fantastic logic.
Hell, the only thing it might be any ok might be blind? like blind can often really not show that? And it might be even funny done in good taste. Ok i dont know but , that woulld at least makre sense?
Why would be what , people are weird?
From what I've read and heard, people with Tourette's syndrome can also avoid having tics for a certain amount of time, but later when they relax they all come more intensely and are more disruptive. I think this is a good comparison with autistic masking.
Something interesting I realized after learning and refining social skills and tact and becoming adept at social interaction is... that social skills and interaction do not "come naturally" to neurotypical people (as we'd all been led to believe). I saw so many neurotypical people with terrible or nonexistent social skills that it was really eye-opening.
After thinking about why this is, I realized two things that created this illusion. The first is that social skills are taught in a way that factors allistic thinking into the equation, excising certain key details under the assumption that they are "obvious". Despite this advantage, it's still a learned skill where every human being is starting from zero. The second is that since modern society is (in general) built by and for neurotypicals, it has certain elements built into it that compensate for NT social shortcomings, meaning that while both neurotypical and neurodivergent people may struggle with social interaction, only the neurodivergent ones stand out, and are thus seen as "weird" as a result.
So basically, it's not that NTs are better at socializing, but that they have their accommodations built into the fabric of society.
I've been thinking a lot about how many NT people have terrible social skills, while autistic friends I have seen to be overcompensating. Do you maybe have examples of what you mean by society compensating for NT social shortcomings?
@@zinniaq8047 How was your day?
NT: Asking it to sound nice, expecting a pre-programmed answer and being irritated when they don't receive a "It was fine, thank you, and you?"
ND: Actually asking in hopes of getting an honest answer because we took the question literally, and assume that NTs care about other people and putting effort into giving an honest answer in turn when asked the question, and weirding out the NT asking, because the NT is wondering why you took 10 years to reply and then didn't give the correct response.
Very strongly simplified but I found this to be a scenario I've seen before.
@@zinniaq8047 not all NTs, but they don't think as much.
Nothing I'm saying is disagreeing with you, just kinda want to add on! Studies have found there is little or no social deficit when communicating within a neurotype, so autistic -> autistic and allistic -> allistic. And I'm sure we have all experienced this before. So my current pet theory is that an innate understanding of authority plays a huge role in this. I've found that so much of allistic communication is based around respecting and catering to the person with more authority in the convo. As long as authority is being respected, a ton of social faux pas can be ignored since they don't threaten the social heirarchy. So when autistic people (who are usually at the absolute bottom of the hierarchy) can't see or ignores the authority of their convo partner, they are committing the ultimate faux pas. And in order to reestablish the hierarchy, the autistic must be put in their place.
Then this goes even father, since we are usually at the bottom of the hierarchy. It is always socially acceptable to make us the butt of the joke. And after a life time of that, we likely develop true social deficits born out of trauma responses.
Again this is a just a pet theory of mine. So fairly decent chance I'm just 100% wrong, I don't have a formal education in sociology or anything haha.
@@freedomdude5420 That's true, not all NTs, here's an interesting thing, I've found that NTs can be shown how we come to conclusions if we point out the evidence we noticed, they just tend to automatically filter out info that we notice.
So, most of the time, NTs who put in the extra effort can actually be taught to notice stuff that we see, if they're humble and earnest. The NTs who "think more" are the open-minded ones who put in the extra effort, meaning it comes down to personality in the end, so yeah, there's some pretty nice NTs too honestly xD
I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls” when I was 13 and the advice was NOT it for the environment of my middle school at all. That said, the book was very helpful for learning how to communicate with adults and is still helpful for the business world. Basically it teaches you how to be friendly in a very corporate and professional type of way.
I don’t quite know if I’m autistic, but I can 100% relate to the people pleasing mask. It felt like you were describing ME.
About clothes...I definitely relate to "clothes doing the work for me"---this has actually helped me feel better about unmasking sometimes, because I can let people perceptions of me be less guided by facial expressions or body language, and more by the hobbit-like style of the things I wear. Especially at work, I can feel more okay with being stoic and expressionless if I'm wearing my sweater vest with geese on it. It's the little things.
I was so heavily masked that I never really had a true lightbulb moment when realizing I was autistic. It was an extremely slow process of reflecting on my past and present self and looking for parallels.
I was not allowed to unmask at home as a kid. I could not even go into my bedroom to have a meltdown without my parents coming in to yell at me for being upset and slamming doors. A lot of my biggest autism red flags have been buried for decades. Some of them I'm still trying to pull back out of the dirt. Some of them are just stuck there forever.
I find it baffling how some allistics think to have autism you have to be...incapable of successfully hiding it? Like people thought I was weird and kept their distance from me until I was in my early 20s. I literally spent the entirerty of my childhood going through trial and error trying to break down what I was doing wrong in social interactions & how to correct them so that people would stop looking at me like a freak. 20 years. To figure out how to consciously replicate in my day-to-day actions things that they have been doing unconsciously since they were in kindergarten.
Honestly, it all sounds like excuses to me. Excuses to mock, bully, ostracize, and isolate people who do not blend in with the crowd. If they accept we behave differently due to a disability, they have to confront the fact they are a bad person. But if they pretend we are faking it, then they can make their own poor behavior seem justified.
How that is supposed to motivate me to "stop pretending" and spend time with these jerks instead of the autists who are much kinder, I still haven't worked out.
Oh, I dunno. I don't think this is about excuse making at all.
If 99% of the people you ever met behaved in familiar and reasonably predictable ways which mirrored your own behaviors and expectations, you'd probably find yourself somewhat taken aback by that 1% of interactions which didn't fit your expectations. You might find yourself questioning their motives or questioning whether or not you had in some way stepped out of line. In either case you'd recognize some sort of social offense and seek to explain it given your limited data set.
Instead, you find yourself on the delivering end of that 1%. The bulk of your experiences are to one extent or another non-standard. You have fewer expectations for social interactions because you likely have rarely found them to be consistent in the first place.
Your position is that of a minority. You deal with microaggressions almost daily. Reminders that you are other.
When you're not the other, you don't notice the othering. You don't even think about the other. It can't be about excuses if they don't recognize the offense.
@rainbowkrampus i mean i get what youre saying and i agree to an extent, but i feel like that is where it is important to differentiate between naiveté and willful ignorance. I am mostly speaking of the willfully ignorant here.
oh i get this comment totally....I have been heavily masking, mostly subconciously since a child...I didn't grow up in a home where being different was at all accepted, and my mother was I think on the spectrum, so I learned masking from her from day 1. You could NOT stand out at all, so I was very shy and made myself as boring and not attackable as possible - grayrocking they call it now. So I think a lot of my stims - which are there but very well hidden stealth ones, or styled into dancing or I immediately stop even now - got tamped down really highly. It's only thinking back and learning about stims have I realised that picking at finger/toernails is one, as is wiggling toes, flapping arms and echolalia (the latter I only do in private)...but it meant I felt I wasn't 'autistic' enough and only when I did the Cat-Q and got 140 did I realise how much I was masking - and lockdown, where a lot of this just broke.
But I know the doctors will be sceptical because of the lack of that early stim stuff.
Shit I relate to that, I went into my room with my step sister once at age 6 or so and we complained about my dad because he was being an asshole and he came in the room and picked me up and put me against the wall and screamed at me. Like sure man way to just confirm that what we said is true.
@RageDeRuin ive had people go through my diary and get offended that they were mentioned in there in a less than positive light. Like HUH?? 😭 I learned very young that i had to fully internalize and bottle up all my negative emotions because I'd get punished every time I tried to find a healthy way to get it out of my system.
Honestly if they compare autism with paraplegia to deny the existence of masking, why stop there? Some people use this exact argument to say autism doesn't even exist.
It's not our job to show we are autistic, it's them who should educate themselves. They just want to recognise our atypical behaviours just enough to call us weird while shielding themselves from people who would call them out for making fun of a disability.
25 minutes of pure reliability 😩
I definitely fawn. Fawning as a concept is new for me and I was surprised to learn it's a thing when I went for a coaching/therapy session thingy.
I try my best to be agreeable and pleasant because I learned very early on that it works and people like it. Even when I'm not comfortable or I'm exhausted, the pleasant smile will still be there. People enjoy an extroverted and polite individual. It's effective. Even when I'm conscious that I'm repressing my wants and needs, it's still hard to advocate for myself.
And yes I've read How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. And it is helpful hahaha. Reading books about body language is a game changer though. And who knows how many hours I've spent studying Movies, TV, RUclips videos, and watching people interact IRL. On the plus side, I'm an effective actor, so no efforts wasted!
So many things that you explained in this video brought so much clarity to a LOT of things in my life. I just turned 30 and am now pursuing an official diagnosis, but hearing your stories of "blank masking" was enough for me to start crying; like for the first time I have a real explanation for the thoughts in my head and my behaviors.
I plan to have a long talk with my family this weekend about the revelation, fingers crossed that they'll at least try to understand
So true... My mission in life was learning to socialize and fly under the radar.. But it BURNT ME OUT me over time. Great videos.
It's so sad and frustrating how it can both help us succeed...and then kinda make it impossible for us to succeed. I guess it can be useful in small doses 😅
Couldn't be me developing an interest in psychology almost exclusively to better understand why people were so mysterious and exhausting.
I’m 44, just realized I’m autistic and I am SO burnt out. I refuse to be so people oriented now. I will start a non profit and help from a 20,000 ft view now. But first, a nap 😅 🥱
God, same 😭
I did the first type, blank mask, in school a lot as a response to bullies. Because I learned that they are self-proclaimed little comedians. They want to play off of a reaction, so I chose to stop giving them one.
I did the same and still actually have that response sometimes. I had one person tell me it's sort of like the lizard from Ringo- a broken fight, flight, or freeze response. I thought I was autistic but I wasn't neurodivergent growing up so it didn't make sense. Turns out, this was just a response I developed from trauma and anxiety. But the catch is that I know what's going on internally while others don't. I just hope that no one uses this video to diagnose others because they think they need to out a label on their behavior.
Yes! This!
I'm recently diagnosed at age 51. This really opened my eyes to my own masking. I leave many social interactions upset and feeling rejected because I let others drive the conversation and if they don't ask about me, I don't feel like they care (and I'm not volunteering information to be rejected). The negativity bit was SO validating, too. I've been told too many times that I'm too negative. I never feel like I have any right to complain. What annoys me to the core is that I'm supposed to suck it up at all times but the next person will be mildly annoyed by something and get their way. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to undo these masking behaviors but I'm working on small changes.
Oh yes , i m the one in the family who decorates and is ready each day for month of xmas fun , in fact i prepair in september for xmas , but on actual xmas day .. as soon as we get told to be quiet and stop dancing , the scooge of the family calls me ebenizer scrooge for not complaining and having a good time , so yes in the end we are always seen as the complainers of things other people complained about cos we have fun lives ,
Unmasking is hard after a lifetime of doing so. Give yourself permission to be as autistic as you need to be in any moment. When a coversation is grating at your soul, for instance, just walk away. You don't owe anybody anything, people din't like anybody who acts differently, even acting the same makes them upset, who needs that anyway?
this comment validated me so hard
Growing up in my Hispanic family it's very much accepted to be expressive,blunt, and "dramatic". What looks like dramatic to other people is normal for us. Don't feel ashamed to express your self the way you want to. The way that feels natural to you 😊❤❤
“Resting autism face” made me laugh it’s so perfect.
“Your true self is not welcome here” is painfully true, whether it is someone else saying it, or telling myself that.
I have completely isolated myself in the last 5+ years. Historically in my life I have only been able to maintain one friendship at a time, any more than that is too exhausting, but in the last 5 years or so I’ve been unable to maintain any at all. It’s far too excruciating to get so much negative feedback about myself that I simply refuse to participate anymore. When society as a whole tells me that I am unacceptable for just being, even though I’m masking so hard to be acceptable, I just can’t with it anymore. If I am not fit for human consumption and I have done everything possible to fit in…then society has taught me that I cannot be IN society.
Thank you for sharing this.
I use smile masking a lot. The first time I noticed it was when I had my first office job and one of my coworkers told me they loved how happy and was because I always had a smile. That certainly wasn't how I felt.
Same here, it feels like my lips are always sewn into the perfect smile even when I'm mad or sad
Lmao same
Exact same thing; I've gotten compliments on my smile & sunny personality at every single customer-service job I've ever worked, and I *despise* customer-service jobs (they're so thoroughly draining as to be almost not worth the money for me). My joke when the compliment came from coworkers was always "Thanks, I'm an actor!" Always got a laugh and made me feel a little better, but truly, being trained as an actor helped me learn how to people and, I'm afraid, how to mask even more effectively than I already was.
Don't feel like you have to mask your giggles Megan. I personally find when I giggle like you do in conversations it helps me to reduce my own anxiety as well as others. Part of the reason I find your videos so easy to watch regardless of the content is probably due to your inherit people pleasing and gentle nature. You do whatever you want to do Meg. Don't feel like you have to mask your perfectly fine giggles for the internet.
I agree, I hadn't actually noticed until it was specifically mentioned in the video, and I definitely don't mind it at all. And now that it has been pointed out, I think I do actually like it too, most likely for the reasons mentioned here.
It's "funny" how you become not only conscious of something you do unconsciously when someone mentions it but it becomes like and earworm - you cannot forget it and dwell on it for days, even years afterwards. Happened to me a lot at school. I ended up suppressing "natural" behaviours and started doing other things without understanding why I was doing them just so I could fit in. I bushed a lot in my early years; inflicted shame is a terrible burden to bear. Every day I got home from school I could be myself but always in the background, the things that had happened to me during the day lurked. And next morning, wondering what the new day would bring was not the joy it should have been.
THE FAUWNING AND THE PEOPLE PLEASING IS SO ME. Sorry, it just makes me really happy to see that I can relate to something as someone who’s recently been diagnosed with autism.
Wow girl, you outdid yourself on this one! Late diagnosed AuDHD lady here (46), who compensated/masked her entire life and went into a caretaking career (nursing). Many of the things that you mentioned, asking other people about themselves, being told to smile more, etc are very familiar. Also extreme politeness as a form of socially acceptable masking that has rules? After being a nurse for so long, some of this can take the form of toxic caregiving and latent passive aggression, despite the best of intentions. It can also make us extremely vulnerable to exploitative people. This is why diagnosis is important, it's like getting a manual and seeing yourself with a different lens. You realize how important it is to trust your instincts, take a break if you need it, rest when you need to as much as you can, have better relations with other people, and recognize when you are being taken advantage of. Sorry for the long letter! Really appreciate your work, thank you!
So, I discovered your channel the other day and have been binge watching. This hits home. I started therapy this summer because I was so burnt out at work. I expected to work through some trauma and instead found out I was autistic. I never saw it coming, I have a PhD in medicine, I'm an academic, newly minted professor. I am kinda terrified at just how good at masking I am, how I lived almost all of my life noticing other people don't behave like me and I just, started doing it. I found a report from primary school where I wrote "people don't like my personality so I will change it" and I'm horrified by it. I will admit I just kinda put it down to my therapist being too gunho. few weeks ago I found a home movie my mum recorded of myself playing...almost identically to. your video. I loved lining my dolls up in colour order and playing with them in my head while flapping my arms or rocking. The insane shame I remember as a kid realising that I wasn't like others and I just, wanted to not be noticed. My sister used to continually yell at me "just be normal for fuck sake" when I was a kid. The level of unpacking I now have to do, and I don't understand any of this.I thought I was just fucked up and I'm not and while this is a rambling overshare I just want to say thank you. It's kinda niec to know you're not alone evevn if you. have no idea what you're doing anymore.
I'm in academics too (but entirely too intimidated by all the responsibility involved with professorship, so I've avoided that path). I don't _think_ of myself as neurodivergent, but I can identify with a lot that is said in this video. Then again, I went through a lot of neglect and abuse as a child, so I tend to think of my own weirdness as being trauma-based. I'm curious, I find being in academics to be pretty cold...the pressure to perform seems to matter above all else, and so interpersonal relationships suffer. I honestly feel quite alone. I often wonder how much of that feeling is imagined. But I wonder how it feels for you (or maybe your environment is different)?
@@ballman2010 I find it very lonely, but I also moved halfway around the world (from Scotland to the US) for my postdoc so visa restrictions have kept me in academia. All in all, I worked in call centers, in big universities, in small independent research institutes, and for charities and they all felt the same. Like I live in a snowglobe away from everyone else. It really eventually clued me into the idea that maybe there was something wrong with me and I started therapy and then the penny dropped after my therapist sent me onto a specalist for a diagnosis. Almost everyone including myself put my oddities down to trauma because I was bullied horrifically badly in school to the point of doing some very dangerous things to myself. I think my autism informed how I responded to and coped with traumatic events rather than my mental health and where I am being the sole product of trauma its the product of both. I will say, as I've started to work though how I feel about it, and deciding on trying to embrace the neurodivergent parts of myself...things have got easier. I'm not spending as much bandwidth every day convincing myself I have to be "normal" its nice but odd to get all that brain space back.
4:55 my grandma would say that i turned into a different child at school, because i was so loud and energetic and fun at home, but at school i was so quiet and shy and closed off. i'd made so many mistakes where i'd messed up social situations, misinterpreted something (i've always needed very specific instructions), etc, and i learned masking very fast since i was having these experiences since preschool. your videos really help me understand myself as an undiagnosed but suspected autistic person, and even if i never get that diagnosis i still think that knowing this is very valuable. all of this video was very relatable. thank you for making content for us! (:
Yes! The question thing, I've also recently discovered that asking other people questions
1) makes it look like you know how to socialize
2) keeps the conversation going
3) keeps the focus off of you
“Oh my god please don’t bully me ha!” Sums up my entire life experience.
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman, I lived in my mask, it wasn't until I had a breakdown at 43 and lost cognitive functions as well as the ability and energy to mask that I started to realise what my truth was.
Thank you for sharing your videos they are really helping me and I relate to so much
The Extroverted Mask really hit home to me like I broke down crying because that's me entirely like I've been bullied out of being intoverted by my parents being told that I hated my siblings because I loved spending time alone and I had selective mutism throughout elementary school so that rendered me totally invisible because nobody went out of their way to interact with me. Thus I made a whole rebrand once I started middle school and modeled my behaviour after my sister because I thought that that way people would flock toward me and I'd be popular like my sister. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore, it's so hard finding remnants of who I used to be. I have two different first names so I rebranded with my other name "Marion" which is really a persona and a performance and the name "Audrey" symbolizes everything I once was and wanted to do away with altogether. I believe this has led to a lot of autistic burnout in my life like I've carried a lot fatigue everywhere not knowing why I was so exhausted without doing anything major physically.
I kind of have the introverted mask, where I retreat into myself to avoid making mistakes. I can't make social blunders, or talk too much or at the wrong time, if I don't even talk to or socialise with anyone. And people like quiet shy people.
When I did relax and start trying to have a social life, I'm make a mistake and put my guard up again.
I *tried* the questions thing, but people would just get really awkward as a result
I dealt with this by deciding not to talk to people
For the longest time I did that. Decades of feeling awkward trying to ask good questions only ending with an end to the conversation after a minute. It does get better now as I listen more instead of trying to talk over people.
Same for me. People would get annoyed by me asking questions all the time. So I stopped it altogether.
I still do that trying to refine my questions and people have had visceral reactions to them so maybe I should give up entirely
I actually have the opposite of the questions thing. I find it incredibly hard to ask questions! I don't do it naturally and if it occurs to me I often feel anxious that it's the wrong thing to ask. I hate it because I think it makes me seem self centred 😫 my favourite people are those extroverts who ask loads of questions or just like other ND people where we can have endless conversations that are just related anecdotes without needing questions 😆
Same, I’m so bad at asking questions. It’s hard to think of questions to ask, it’s hard to feel comfortable enough to ask it and to find a right time to ask it, then it’s hard to actually listen to the answer and come up with a follow-up question… Sometimes I do write a list of questions ahead of time, but it’s hard to completely memorize the list, and a lot of the time it seems inappropriate or weird to literally pull out my list and ask them a question from it. Everything’s just hard. So often I just don’t talk.
Same here as well. I often don’t ask questions because I don’t want to ask anything that may be a trigger or inappropriately personal. I have a hard time with small talk in general and tend to like to talk about meaningful things that I get passionate about. Which sometimes makes people uncomfortable. With other neurodivergent people, I become more at ease and then freely ask questions where the give and take is more equal, fun & easy.
Ah, me too. People always say that I should just ask questions to keep the conversation going but like?? How?? I just start talking about something somewhat relatable about the weather or the place we're at, any questions are rare and very very safe lol.
Samee! If I'm with someone that I know likes me at least somewhat I'll generally just kinda word vomit about everything going on in my life/brain or whatever I'm currently fixated on. I have a tendency to talk "at" people instead of with them. Im in my own head most of the time and it can be really hard to be present enough to ask questions. Ill only ask a question if I'm genuinely interested, need more information, or consciously masking. It makes me feel like shit because I'm constantly paranoid that I'm self-centered even though I'm the biggest people pleaser in the world, and I'm intensely curious about other people's lives. Asking questions when the conversation isn't super appealing to me can feel very forced. I don't feign interest for the sake of connection unless I'm masking. It's worth noting I also have ADHD so that might account for the word vomit lol
Exact same here!
This video was like therapy to me... I was having intense suicidal ideations all night because of my home environment and family... my brother puts me down constantly for having been in hospital so many times and needing "mental help." The expectations of me to act "normal" is unbearable.
Most of the family catergorizes me as insane and crazy... this video really helped me take a breather and step back into myself... im so consumed by my entire social surroundings from home to getting back into college after dropping out 4 times...I've finally opened up to my teacher about my needs ... she was so accepting and suggested sound proof headphones... they have worked amazingly... even though I'm embarrassed to put them on it makes so much difference compared to years of trying to force myself to act r like majoirty of the class. Having bills to pay, no support from family or many friends at all.. or money/resources to connect finally be properly diagnosed in my area.. I had a meltdown tonight.. self harming, rocking, crying... thank you so much for this video... I feel that for my whole life. I've been misunderstood, and it's part of the reason my mom took her own life in 2021... so I felt so much solace and relief when you mentioned that mental and emotional toll masking can do to a person. ❤❤❤thank you so much ... 😢now I'm going to be getting ready for school now.
@crazycraecreations I don’t often respond to random RUclips comments but in this case I feel the need to do so. I also have autism and have struggled with mental health a lot. I’ve also had my fair share of stays at the psych hospital for suicide attempts. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you are struggling with your mental health. Your brain can get sick just like any other part of your body. The best peice of advice I can offer you is to talk to your school’s disability office. In the US, I think every school has to have a disability office that helps accommodate students with mental and physical disabilities. They are trained to help students with disabilities and might be able to get you some academic accomodations (more time on exams, flexibility with missed assignments or attendance…etc). Also, a lot of schools offer counseling services that come with your tuition. My current school offers therapy, and my old university offered free online therapy. I don’t know you but I wish you the best! Stay strong! There will always be someone out there who cares about you and wants you to succeed.
I don't know why I started, but I've been power watching autism videos for a couple of days, fascinated. Much of what you and others have said is resonating so strongly that I'm not sure if I feel some sort of relief or dismay, or maybe I'm just trying to find a place to fit. Depression, anxiety, perhaps bi-polar, (C)PTSD, tried for a long time to figure out what's "wrong" with me, why I don't go with the flow and fit in. I have vivid memories from childhood. School was rough from minute one in Kindergarten and I REMEMBER the first day. I can SEE it in my mind, 63 years ago.
At 67, I've basically retreated from most human interactions, though I've had lots of what I now see as masks. I have practiced the correct faces, smiling, conversations, etc. The unexplained meltdowns - nutso.
Finally, I think I crashed. Now I've retreated to an almost hermit life in my funky wildlife food forest yarden with my little dog, senior cat, and whatever non-human else wants to live here. We are preparing to take on nomadic van life, but the yarden home will be here for a safety net. I guess I'm going to see if there are people out there I can resonate with while also learning to live with just myself. It is easier, but loneliness can be a problem. Facebook has been my resource for connection, but recently discovered it instigates more anxiety, as does messaging. Too many miscommunications. Three weeks off FB has been a revelation for me.
What is the point at this age of knowing? Loneliness gets overwhelming sometimes, but more or less I decided to remove myself from society to save others from me. Also, the rest of the world smells. I had to stop teaching earlier than I planned because of overwhelming (poisonous) fragrances. Perhaps that was the final straw of a lifetime of masking. I wonder how many who suffer from multiple chemical sensitivities (as I believe I do) are also autistic?
Apologize for the long post. Also one of my quirks. This new info has my brain fired up.
For a moment I thought I might have written your post, I kept having to backtrack and start again. Totally resonates. I'm 60 and just self diagnosed. I recommend Devon Price's Unmasking Autism on audible. Excellent to read when the A first hits as realization. Be gentle on yourself (and I shall do the same, because this is a wild ride for a 3rd act 😆)
@@glittermuse-1 Thank you for your comment and reading my long post. I tend to delete them....
I'll check out the book, too.
@@glittermuse-1 I don't know why, and I rather appreciate (some) of my differences, but it really helps to not be the only one with such experiences. Thank you.
@@Nemo-yn1sp I delete my posts all the time! No worries if you do 🌊💜
I love the idea of a yarden, animals and the van life! I am AuDHD, diagnosed at 46. I think the reasons people get diagnosed are varied, and it has to resonate for you. My experience is that it was very healing and helped me to reframe past experiences, get rid of quite a bit of self-blame, and has been empowering for future decisions.
I trained myself to cry silently or not at all when I was younger and now I can't really sob and always shut down instead of letting it truly out.
Same... does it feel like choking to you too? I have tried to let myself let loose during an emotional event but... it just doesn't work.
@@jackpijjin4088 same, my parents would always yell at me and get pissed when I used to cry, now I feel like I'm seriously running out of air when i cry
@@jackpijjin4088I finally forced myself to cry after a breakup a few days ago - definitely the first time in a while I have released tears.
It's sort of like your wall is put up so far that you can't even let yourself in.
Hope you guys are doing well, you deserve to be able to express emotions
I grew up acting, so off the stage I learned how to fawn and people please to a point of not being sure what was really true for me. I recently found that wearing non-prescriptive glasses allows me to drop a lot of the subconscious masking...
It's something I've been experimenting with for about 7 years now... The glasses soften my focus, and allows me to relax into a calm neutral way of being and expressing myself. I've often questioned whether the glasses are themselves becoming a mask that I won't be able to take off. But any time that I take them off for a few days, I do and say things that I don't mean (without even thinking about it until after it's done). I am an expressive person when I want to be, but the subconscious auto expressing (without glasses) leads to burn out every time...
i fawned all the time in middle school and now looking back as a high schooler who is considering an autism diagnosis, i was definitely masking
It makes me cry watching these videos because I see myself in them. I'm undiagnosed and I'm hurt that no one took the time to notice these signs. Now that I'm an adult, I can't even get evaluated due to it being blocked by a gigantic paywall. I'm in the US with no insurance, so the cheapest eval I found around me was $2,000, plus another $800 to get eval'd for ADHD. It's frustrating, but it's so nice to know I'm not the only one going through these things.
One of the more useful videos I've seen explaining less obvious forms of masking.
1. I think have a natural stoic/blank face. It's not something I do consciously.
However, I was very inspired by the stoic behavior of Spock as a child.
2. I think I unconsciously copy other people's posture, then when I consciously realize I have the same posture as someone else I deliberately change my posture because I'm self-conscious about it and don't want them to think I'm trying to copy their posture.
I definitely have conversations where I laugh too much at what someone else is saying as part of an unconscious way of showing I'm engaged. But also sometimes because I find something funny, even though it was necessarily intended to be funny.
One form of masking people-pleasing that I do consciously is making conversation with people I interact with on a regular basis. Asking questions where I don't actually care about the answer, but I know the question pertains to something important to that person.
About a decade ago I went on a day-trip with an acquaintance. I asked them a lot of questions about themselves over the course of the day, out of a mix of genuine curiosity and as a way of making conversation. At the end of the day I realized they had barely ever asked me any questions about myself, and I was quite put off by that. Unlike a lot autistic people, I don't mind talking about myself. I'm one of the subjects I know a lot about.
3. I definitely script phone calls - at least have an outline of discussion points.
I used to mask a lot, but probably the saddest part of it is that my ex encouraged me to do so. She loved certain aspects of my authentic personality in private but she could not accept any of their social downsides. Being together to prove stronger against all odds wasn't good enough a plan for her.
I got called grumpy, angry, mean, up until maybe 16? Then to stop people accusing me of being something im not, i started being overly friendly, smiley, bubbly, and have been stuck masking that way since. I literally will feel like i am dying inside but if you throw me into the public eye i will stand there like 😃☺️🤪 and it hurts. Thats what brought me to getting diagnosed. I noticed that i literally hide every single emotion around people and at the time had no idea how tf to stop masking and care for my own needs (or even recognise my own needs). I thought i was great at socialising because i learned how to ask questions, laugh and smile but after a few months id end up severely burnt out and unwell. Id also wind up with lots of shitty people around me who i thought were friends but who really werent. I couldnt tell, still cant really tell.
Now ive been unmasking for around 6 months or more which has been spent w barely any socialising (so that im not forced into masking hard) and im the most mentally stable+life stable ive ever been.
It is truly insane how much damage masking does to us, and how much it helps us all round to have actual unmasked time to sit and not be percieved+regulate.
My top tips for unmasking would be:
-Schedule alone time and be ruthless w your boundaries on alone time.
-Create a safe place where you can control all elements, mine is my house which i dont let people into so that i control the energy here.
-Use music or art ! Stim dancing+painting to music have saved my life. Just getting to move my body freely+getting my energy out has changed my life. Music makes it easier to stim if you find it to be still embarrassing or are just getting used to it.
-Cut off people who make you feel like you have to mask. Unless its work or school (where you have to mask anyway) dont be around people who force you inside yourself. Its never worth it.
❤
I think keeping a blank mask is an interesting phenomenon that I only now realize I did quite a bit. In college, I had an assignment in my communication class to not use speech to communicate for a day and write about it. One of my friends commented "Wow, it's nice to see you use so many facial expressions." ...I didn't realize I didn't
I've always struggled with my sense of self and people pleasing. When I started sixth form around two years ago now it felt like a new social setting I had to almost conquer, as my prior school I had been there for 7years and felt mildly comfortable there. But this need to please, make new friends, learn new subjects/topics, socialise, get a job, learn to drive; all of this piled up and Yr12 was hell on earth for me. I had thought about so many diagnoses before but finally went to a proper therapist who suggested I may have Autism and/or ADHD. This was a changing moment for me and I've been very reflecting of prior experiences the last year, making my Yr13 a much more positive experience compared to Yr12.
Masking has really hurt me in the past and I'm working to stop doing it as much, this video really helped me understand the different types/ways it can be harmful to me. Thank you :)
Hate that instead of feeling content or grateful to be learning about experiences from others to better understand my differences, I instead feel this overwhelming weight of sadness in my chest.
Wish I had a more emotionally supportive family that didn’t see my differences as an inconvenience or burden. I hope everyone whether they’re seeking a diagnosis or not later in life can find peace 💕
i had a friend in elementary school who i suspect was autistic looking back on it. he wasn't too popular in school and sometimes it felt like i was one of the few friends he had even though we didnt hang out that often. i could tell he was a little different and that he was pretty shy, awkward, and closed off (kinda like i was but maybe even more so). looking back on it now with you describing being a blank slate, i get the feeling he was masking. i remeber one class we had in 5th or 6th grade, for whatever reason we were doing an activity that involved us being as loud as possible. of course all the kids loved it because they got to release their inner demons. i didnt particularly like it as an introvert with ADHD and social anxiety but was excited and happy that everyone else seemed to be having a good time, so i went along with it. then, after the second build up of noise, i and many others notice that he's crying and seems to be having a panic attack of some sort. the teacher tells everyone to stop and he runs out of the room. i felt really bad that i didnt notice he was in distress sooner. that was the first time i really noticed something was actually different about him and the first time i understood that not everyone processes information the same. i think if i knew what he was going through in general as a likely autistic person i would have made more of an effort to be friends with him. after elementary school he moved away to live with his dad because apparently his mom was crazy. i only saw him once after that. i still worry about him sometimes. i hope he's doing alright
My mother was a great teacher for learning how to interact socially. Neither of us knew what to label my issue (though relatives and friends had many suggestions..from well-meaning to mean) when it came to social situations. (Keep in mind this was the mid 1970's). She would literally take me aside and, privately, kindly, explain that when others said or did 'A Thing' that people would generally respond 'This Way' and then she would explain WHY. I can't tell you how important being told the HOW (to respond) and the WHY was for me, and it eventually led me to being able to clue myself in as I got older (extrapolating from previous lessons when something new would come up) She also went out of her way to make sure that my need for quiet, for whatever reason, was provided for..not an easy thing to do during those years (and in a large family). The lessons certainly delayed my diagnosis as I became more adept at maneuvering through society, but they were also the most helpful, and least judgemental way to help me manage the minefield that social interaction can be for some of us with the diagnosis. That being said my usual response when feeling negatively overwhelmed and unable to find space is the blank mask. Because (in my head) if I don't respond/show that I'm upset in a negative situation, then it can't hurt me and I'll be safe until I can process just what is occurring (hopefully that made sense). As an aside..i masked my hand gestures by always holding a pen or pencil and carrying a notebook nearly everywhere I went. When the urge to move my hands became impossible to ignore I'd write/doodle/ or even just scribble. This had the added benefit keeping most people away as 'i looked busy' and gave me additional space when I needed it.
Wow you had the best mum.
A lot of these descriptions and you giving us examples from your childhood is making a LOT of childhood memories come up for me that I had completely forgotten about. I definitely had the blank face in childhood + middle school. Kids would ask me if I was okay because I “looked angry.” When in reality I was perfectly fine.
For 3 years in high school I forced myself to be super extroverted & was involved in the school theater. It was a lot of fun but I always felt like I was faking it. It completely burnt me out & in college I did a complete 180 and became the most introverted & socially reclusive I had ever been. Looking back now, I think I was so socially exhausted that I didn’t have the energy to keep up the facade anymore
Looked angry part also applies to me.
By being one that was undiagnosed as a child with both ID and mental diagnosis, I "naturally" learned to mask my negative behavior, from learned lived experience. That is exactly what makes me a great CPS/DSP as I found positive ways to live healthy with my challenges in life. Finding this channel has brought so much more insight to things that I do struggle with daily. ❤
You are doing super well to get in on front of a camera. I've never even been able to even have a still photo taken of me despite being quite good looking during my time. Just can't deal
Ironically the most unmasked I've ever felt was when I was in theatre club wearing an actual mask
This reminds me of a video of someone telling an amputee that he wasn't handicapped because he walked "normal" with his prosthetic leg.
was it alex1leg?? i'm sure i've heard him tell this anecdote before
@@rat-gang- I don't recall; it was a random suggestion from youtube. But, given that approximately 50% of the population has a below average IQ, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this has happened to multiple people.
Your channel is so comforting to me, seeing someone be so open and unashamed of their quirks and autism-related issues is so validating I could cry! I feel so sorry for my younger self trying to hide herself away, thinking she wasn't a "proper" person and feeling so alone, but at least now I can start to embrace my quirks and live authentically as an adult ❤
You're really good at explaining things and then referencing your personal experiences that further explain. I feel very heard and understood.
i can relate a lot to these descriptions... growing up in a traumatic household meant i had no safe places to express myself and my negative emotions, i ended up forced into a constant state of fawning and positivity because there was no space for genuine distress or discomfort in how i was "allowed" to socialize. this made me SEVERELY dysfunctional when i started getting old enough to get into actual relationships and really connect with people because i was never taught that it was acceptable to set boundaries (because that's prioritizing my needs over other people's feelings), and i was never taught how to be considerate of people without placing their emotions and opinions above my needs
i'm learning now and really working to change my mindsets because they're so harmful to my safety and mental health, it's an uphill battle but every time i make progress i breathe a little easier
When I was 8 I specifically remember thinking, “when I say stuff, everyone looks at me weird and I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll stop saying stuff”
And I did.
FYI, a kid who’d been in our class the year before but left the school, came back to visit and everyone else was talking things they remembered doing with him last year. I didn’t remember him at all but I remembered seeing his name printed on the back of his shirt once when he was blocking me in gym class, so I said what I remembered about him since that’s what everyone else was doing.
“I remember you getting in my way in gym class.”
Weird looks followed. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
I know how you feel. I was always quiet at school because the moment I said something everyone just gave me weird looks. I remember having fun with my friends and being loud just like all the other kids but I looked around and people were just… staring. I tried to shut myself up believing nothing I had to say was worth while. It’s sucks but at least now there are people in my life that think what I have to say is important.
Yes I do this too. For me it relates to blank slate masking where I would pretty much try and remove as much of my personality as possible, withdrew from people and would keep double checking what I was going to say and by then the conversation has already moved on... Group conversations have always been difficult for me because I can't do the "turn taking" part of conversations like others can and often leads to people outright ignoring what I said and/or talking over me
@@magentafox1657
Yep, you just have described my whole journey as a teenager and young adult life.
Im still struggling to re-learn and straight up learn things i didnt do before, like not pushing my voice down because of that thought of my own ideas being less important than the rest
I get stuck smiling at work and all the women always ask me why. I get nervous and dont know what to say and they laugh at me and my heart starts melting. Just the sound of their voice is soothing to me. The way they laugh it's so adorable.
I told my school therapist my relationship issues in the past might be because I'm on the spectrum (got first diagnosed when I was 4-5), she was straight up shocked to find out because she couldn't tell. I didn't know it was masking but I can definetly see myself going "why did I do that, why am I doing this" when I do normal tasks with people around. For some reason I also feel like tearing up when I'm taking about something casual to my parents, like for example a dish I had or a movie I watched but talking cold blooded about tragedies on the news. And filters upon filters, but I'm also queer in eastern Europe, gotta refer to my boyfriend as "the missus" even though it is disrespectful on so many levels. But the copying I see a lot, it's something me and my boyfriend joke about a lot is that I copy my father in law's style of speech, way of holding a cigarette, accent, use of words, that was more prominent when I first met his family, told them on the phone once that I enjoy his company and meanor so much that it just sticks to me and i cant help it. My brain sure is strange
as someone who is struggling SO much with debating whether or not i have autism recently… this is SO affirming and helpful… you have no idea. it has been a hard mental battle and exhausting to figure out. i never really looked into this until later in my adulthood and i’m 28 now. i feel like i won’t be believed but most of the things i can relate to and how i act are so undeniable.
They way you speak about the types of masking is so validating.. As you were talking I was like "dang.. Check mark" for each kind for myself. and It frustrates me too that I can't say what I feel sometimes because I'm worried of getting a negative reaction from people. I feel like I hold other peoples emotions and care too much about it. I take a notebook to doctor's office full of questions and things I want to talk about.. And I push so much extrovert energy when at gatherings. I try to be the "light" in the room and make every have a good time. I will say there is one thing that I really struggle with masking and that is taking people very literally when they tell jokes lol. I've never been good at having the right reaction to jokes so it has seemed, and growing up i would get picked on for being super gullible. I would immediately believe what someone would tell me before I could realize it was sarcasm. My brothers thought and still do think it's great haha. ugghhh
I've wondered if I was perhaps Autistic, but more so my children. Both of my children have struggled with every day life. My son has always shut down to the point that people make comments because in social settings, family holidays he completely shuts down and will usually find his own space in the home to be alone. My daughter is coming home every day from school and having meltdowns where it takes sometimes 20 minutes just to get out of the car because she can't deal with it.. and then a melt down for every step there after until she finally can go to her room to relax. We're in the process of having them evaluated but as my son can't speak with doctors on his own well.. they think he has social anxiety, and possibly ADHD at the same time.. and my daughter was originally being evaluated for Autism after our first appointment but at the second appointment with a different therapist she switched her evaluation to ADHD. But everything you're saying is definitely stuff i see the 3 of us do every day. For instance, I felt so tired by the time I got to the store and overwhelmed by the idea of having to talk to people that I did the "blank face" or I will do the fawn type. Like this is literally my entire personality when in public.. and when people talk to me when I'm not expecting it I'm almost startled.. It's like I have my own little bubble around me. Anyway.. I guess I'm mostly just concerned on my kids being incorrectly diagnosed.. They therapist this last time literally said "She seems to be showing emotion, so I'm leaning more toward ADHD" like what?! I was so confused. Obviously, that's inaccurate and people who have Autistic Spectrum Condition can show emotion when they are comfortable to.
I just want to drop a quick thank you! At age 35 I am now learning that I have been dealing with Autism my entire life and I am now finally beginning to get the help I need to move forward and live a happy life. These videos have helped me see that 😊. Keep up the fantastic work!
I feel like this video called me out and also assured me that I actually am autistic, even if I'll probably never get a diagnosis.
Thank you ♥️
I felt attacked too
Too!
Its better not to get diagnosed because discrimination does exist for it
I don't have an ASD diagnosis, but this resonates so powerfully with me.
you are amazing. thank you so much for this perspective. i feel like you've helped a lot of people find a comfort that was hidden from them. i feel so bad with how exhausted i am, and that i can't do more for others, or be more functional. as an artist i have trouble when i have trouble not freaking out when i find any success or attention. regardless of anything going forwards, i think you've done a lot of good for a lot of people. hope that always brings you comfort and self-appreciation that you deserve.
My best "fake smile" in elementary school was described as "scary" by my peers, so I was usually blank faced until I had sufficiently practiced a "normal" smile in our bathroom mirror. Due to bullying and anxiety related digestion problems, I dropped out after the sixth grade and went with an autodidactic education, instead. I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until age 46. Your videos have helped me. Thank you.
RUclips won't stop suggesting me videos like this. I always thought that my shyness and social anxiety were to blame, but maybe it's time for me to take the test.
I'm already diagnosed with ADHD and I'm going to get my autism diagnosis in a couple months (takes a while to get an appointment)
Your channel was one of the first and consequently biggest sources of information for me when I realized I had more going on more than just ADHD.
Thank you so much for wording clearly how it feels to be autistic. Through you I got it. You might just have played a big part in a big change in my life.
Also, today I learned that I have been fawning my a** off 24/7.
Just with this new video I learned so much.
Much love
I relate to all of this so much - especially the blank masking. Everyone always tells me that I'm so quiet and "calming" but that's just because I don't reflect any of my feelings and disassociate almost constantly. My dad has even joked with me about this and he calls it my "turtle mode." I haven't done much extraverted masking but I have noticed myself attempting to do this lately without meaning to. I've even given myself my own nickname to try and rebrand myself in a way, but I get so overwhelmed when trying to be extraverted. I'm hoping to get an official diagnosis this next year if possible. I can't thank you enough Meg - your videos have helped me realize a lot about myself. I have always felt like an alien and its comforting to know why I feel this way and that I'm not alone.
I don’t really know how to mask, at least not to the extent I see talked about in this video and in other things I have seen/ read. I scored really really low on the cat-q, for example. With that said, I really appreciated how this video really breaks down the different types of masking and what goes into it. It helped me see the ways in which I do mask (mainly the fawning- I try to be really nice so that people will like me), and the monotropism bit at the end helped me understand why I can’t mask better. For me, I am already maxing out the number of things I am able to pay attention to at once when I am processing what the other person is saying to me, thinking about what I am going to say next, and paying attention to whatever else is happening around me. I don’t really have room in my brain after that to also think about things like whether or not I am making eye contact are to register whether I am fidgeting/stimming. Sometimes I will suddenly become aware of these things in the middle of a conversation and try to fix them, but I am just not able to hold consistent focus on them.
Re: feeling like you haven't made that many friends and influenced that many people
GIRL your videos have influenced me so hard!! Haha (: you are my favorite autistic/audhd channel I've found yet. I love your vibe. I've learned so much about myself from you. You literally are the main reason I am looking into my own possible audhd nature (ADHD diagnosed but still unsure of the autistic part....tho I've felt very called out when you've mentioned in other videos how heavy research can be a sign....lmao). You've done for me what you say other RUclipsrs do for you. Seriously. Thank you so much my friend 💛 I am your same age, and I feel like a lot of things are making sense about myself. I'd love more AuDHD content if you're up for it (: I love hearing your stories. I relate to some, I gain perspective from others, and it's overall such a chill and wholesome vibe. Even with the heavier topics, i appreciate the way you approach them and make it so I'm not triggered by rage click bait news elsewhere haha. And I know that you research so you are presenting a lot of sides. And just. Yeah, thank you (: 💛
I have never related to a video so much. I legit started crying when you were talking about fawning and people pleasing, that’s been my entire life. Even the accents thing! I always wondered why I would mimic people’s accents! Thank you so much for this, I will be showing this to people close to me so that they can see a bit inside of my head and help me with this.
I masked a little to close to the sun and ended up in an ongoing 5 year burnout and breakdown.
Masking was destroying me emotionally and mentally. Trying too hard to appear normal isn't even worth it most times from my experience
'Masked a little too close to the sun' is the perfect way to describe it omg. But I'm so sorry about your burnout 💛 I hope you start feeling better soon!
"What a bad mask, it failed to protect you from sunlight!"
I am 12 year after burnout... Will get my diagnosed in 2 weeks.
Autisticarus
Thank you for making this video and your channel in general. I just found out I was Autistic and the types of masking you explained make sense. Thank you for being apart of my journey!
You have helped me understand so much about myself. I’m a 49 year old mom, just diagnosed autistic. Thanks for your candid insight. 💜
its taken me a long time to work out what exactly is me masking and what's not, and three years later (after discovering i'm autistic) i still don't really know. I do a sort of "basic" level of masking (for lack of a better word) where i force eye contact, stop stims, force a smile on my face and nod a lot, but beyond that I find masking too difficult, near impossible. Like the whole asking questions thing, I just can't do that, because the act of speaking for me takes a lot of mental effort, sometimes it feels like physical effort too, so even though i *know* I should ask questions to keep the conversation going, I just *can't* and so unless i'm with someone who is patient and/or chatty, the conversations end quickly, and that is why i struggle so much with socialising and inserting myself, and also why i do so much better with making friends online and communicating through text. It's so much easier for me. That's why i'm a writer - because it's miles easier to express myself through text than trying to speak.
Also, the whole "they explode when they get home" thing never really applied to me, but i think part of the reason for that is that I still "mask" at home. I don't know if its masking, or a form of PDA I heard about related to internalising, but i am a chronic internaliser. I just cannot express my emotions outwardly unless i'm fully alone. So most of the time, that leads to me pushing my emotions down as much as physically possible until I can escape and be on my own, even from my own family. Of course, this leads to me not exactly having the closest relationship to my family (at least from an outside perspective, of course i love them, I just don't show it much, or rather I show it in my own, subtler ways, like gift giving. That's why I love christmas so much.)
Also, back before I was diagnosed, when I was dealing with a lot of imposter syndrome, I'd often ask myself "if i don't mask much, then how come I went so long without no one ever noticing anything?" But i think there is an answer to this. It doesn't mean i'm *not* autistic. It's because of how inward and internal I was. Because of the fact I was not good at reciprocating conversations, and communicating with people. Because i didn't speak much (unless I had to, or I was close enough with them), I simply faded into the background. I wasn't noticed. This is why i don't really relate to the sentiment I hear from a lot of autistic people, of feeling like they're "too much". Rather, I feel the opposite. I'm not enough for people. Because, at least on the outside, I'm a blank slate who struggles to express emotion, who cannot reciprocate conversation, who cannot express (emphasis on express, I can feel) empathy, who struggles to participate in most social events (especially as an adult), I just am not interesting enough for people. So many people are just very quick to give up with me. I don't reciprocate the conversation, so they give up and move on to someone else, and this leads to me becoming a bit of a ghost. Not many people notice me. I'm not enough for people. Sometimes I wish i could mask enough to be enough for people, but i also know just how exhausting it can be, and even then, it's just not possible for me anyway, I think if i could, I would have by now.
Anyway, theres my ramblings.
I can relate. I was also diagnosed in 2020 and had to seek help a year later because things grew worse and worse in the world and at home (my only sanctum).
Because I received my diagnosis so late in life (in my 40’s), it wasn’t clear what was 1.) Me, 2.) An Allistic Mask, or 3.) Friendliness.
I never hear anyone bring up the 3rd option. I don’t think it’s a typical or atypical specific thing to be either a kind person or a self-centered a-hole. We must be careful to notice the difference within ourselves.
For example: Being aloof at a party (where you’re miserable and refuse to engage with those who approach you) will only end up bringing the vibe down for you and those around you. In a case like this, you should fake-smile and discreetly leave because it’s a super-painful experience for you and a minor-annoyance at the most for anyone who really wanted you there. Kudos to you for trying and putting yourself out there; but know when to call it quits if it doesn’t work out.
Before I knew I was autistic I not only suffered from being unable to participate in festivities with those around me, but I would beat myself up (and hate on myself) for being a horrible person for refusing to engage and not having “fun”.
This is why I would refuse to carpool and instead take my car everywhere; because it was my escape pod. Just having that abort-option alone reduced my anxiety.
My point is, I consider it common courtesy to smile when someone approaches me. Maybe it’s involuntary, maybe it’s haphazard, maybe it’s totally cringeworthy fake, but I make the effort to show that I’m NOT trying to be rude and NOT annoyed by others who just want to enjoy themselves. I do my best to show I am trying to make an effort to not be a smug a-hole.
I remember in high school how (once the conditions were right and I had a conversation with a fellow student) they would remark how surprised they were by my cool, calm, intelligent, and/or funny demeanor because they had always thought I was “stuck up”.
I remember being taken aback a few times, even annoyed at the idea that someone would pre-judge me before they ever knew me. After a few times this happened, it became clear to me that I must be the problem. Maybe it was the way I carried myself (I wondered).
I received an ADHD diagnosis along with the news of my autism. Now I understand that I was most likely lost in thought when roaming through the hallways or sitting at my desk bored in class. Always (even to this day) playing out future scenarios or fantasies in my head. The expressions that would wash over my face must have looked like someone watching a thrilling movie or a tragic love story. My mind doesn’t “idle” like others. I’m usually so lost in thought that I lose complete track of time and what I was meaning to physically do.
Sometimes friends would come up to me (very concerned) at social gatherings and urgently ask me, “What’s Wrong!?!”. I’d snap out of it and say, “Nothing, I’m good!” And they would give me this concerning heartfelt look like, “I know your hurting. Tell me your tragic tale of woe.”, but I legit was bored, with no one to talk to, and just hoping to remain invisible till an appropriate enough amount of time had passed for me to leave.
Because of this newfound awareness that others could magically mind-read me like an open-book (they could observe how I felt even at times when I was oblivious to my own emotions), I would try harder to not bring attention to myself (something we now call “masking”). No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t work.
Some tips I can give for light conversation starters are to ask the person about themselves, what they do for a living, where they’re from, married, kids, parents health, siblings, recent vacations, upcoming vacations, plans for retirement, home DIY projects, hobbies, talents, etc…
Of course you won’t care what their answers will be, so it feels fake and insincere to even ask, but it’s a fair ask because you don’t know their answer yet! You might find you have a common experience, a shared interest, or just be entertained by how interesting the person turns out to be.
Just like how people would prejudge me as snooty, you are prejudging others around you as boring and below even conversing with; thus showing your total lack of interest by not expressing enough interest to even be bothered to ask a few basic questions to find some underlying common ground for building a “real” conversation with.
If you can’t be bothered to reach out, then don’t expect others to do all the heavy lifting for you. You have to meet people halfway and if you don’t want to form connections with others, then don’t (that’s fine), but don’t complain how people aren’t going out of their way to get to know you.
Either leave or put yourself out there. Do not make it the responsibility of someone else to chat you up; but at the same time, don’t feel like a crappy human being for not wanting to engage with the other human beings. It’s perfectly okay to not want to talk to others. You need to discern if it’s YOU who wants to talk to others or if it’s the MASK that says it’s what you’re supposed to do.
Back to your concern of not knowing what part of you is subconsciously masking and what part of you is genuine. I can only speak as an old man, but over the years I slowly began to care less-and-less what other people thought. Of course I care what my loved ones think, but I don’t care as much what strangers think. Even if it’s someone I care about; if I know I’m in the right, then it affects me less.
Maybe that comes with age, maybe it comes with the type of solo career-work I do, or how I have become a walled off recluse who doesn’t party anymore out of obligation to friends. I am basically a hermit. And ya know what? I’m happy. Pathetic? Yes. Lonely? No.
I am selective about who I hang out with. I don’t like to do group things because I am ALWAYS the odd-man out. I will hang out with someone if it’s just that person alone (maybe with their wife), because then I have their undivided attention and may enjoy an interesting conversation before some jag-off starts changing the topic to sports.
I only hang out with those I can either have a deep soulful, intellectual, or philosophical conversation with or someone who understands my special interest (technology & engineering).
Don’t set yourself up to fail. Don’t shut yourself off to the world like me (at least continue giving it a chance till you hit my age). Once I was finally able to let go of the fear of what others would think (while still maintaining friendless, kindness, and common courtesy to those around me), I think that’s when I began to allow myself to be my genuine self.
Thank goodness my true-self isn’t an ego-centric a-hole. Even then (if you’re an a-hole deep down inside) does that mean you should stop masking and be your true horrible self (for the sake of your own mental health)? I’d say the same rules apply.
When you’re around others, be on your best-behavior so as not to offend. I do NOT consider this masking. This is extending common courtesy through human decency to our fellow neighbor. If all you wanna do is offend, then spend less time around others (like me when I can’t add anything to a group’s dynamic).
Always have an escape-pod (be it your car, ride-share, or room). Even when I travel with family, I make it a point to save up enough to have my own room. Back in college I lived by myself in a room no bigger than a walk-in-closet and I LOVED it because I wouldn’t have to live with another dude. These measures are now referred to as “accommodations”.
Accommodate yourself, avoid social gatherings you know will bring you pain, and grant yourself the grace to accept that you’re not super-charismatic in certain situations and that’s perfectly okay.
Above all, be kind. If you’re worried you might be masking, ask yourself, “Am I doing this 1.) out of fear of obligation to someone else, 2.) because it’s what a normie would do but I don’t understand it or agree with it, or 3.) because this is a kindness or a friendly gesture?” Once you have your answer, you may then begin to chisel away at that mask of yours.
It will take a long time, and the question above may not always result in a quick and obvious answer for every situation you are in. Sometimes you’ll have to ponder it and send a probe deep down into your subconscious psyche to figure out what your true intentions and motivations are.
It’s a journey of self discovery that never ends, but will help you grow and discover the best version of yourself that’s always been there with you and waiting to shine.
Best of luck!
"Not enough" and "too much", in that sense, are closely related, in my experience. Toward some of the few people that gave me the time of day, I probably became somewhat clingy, and they didn't love it. I can also relate to the part with the family. My family was viewing me as basically the most gifted kid they've ever seen, and so I have absolutely avoided to show them signs of weakness or a closer connection for the longest time. And even now, there are really only 2 family members that I'd trust with my life. It's rough out there, but at least I'm doing okay. Anyway yeah, I can relate to a lot of your story.
@@MR-md2clI've gone out of my way to meet people halfway but I still feel the same way as the first commenter like people still don't make the effort to interact with me and I have to do the heavy lifting all the fucking time and if I don't then I become invisible like Casper the ghost as I used to describe myself when I was younger. So I started wondering if it was my fault then I rebranded myself in middle school and started performing extraversion like masking a lot more so that I could have friends but I would crash in the middle of each semester not knowing why.
@@BeautyAnarchist I’m sorry to hear that. After learning I was autistic, I had to acknowledge the blind spots I have when it comes to social communication. I will never understand what they are, or learn how to read or emote them either. (You don’t know what you don’t know.) That’s just our lot in life.
I hated myself as a child, even after growing up into my 20’s & 30’s. Of course I’d blame myself when interactions didn’t go how I hoped. It wasn’t till I was much older that I realized, if somebody doesn’t meet me half way, then that’s on them and they’re not worth the effort.
It works both ways; both parties have to be willing to connect. If you find yourself in situations where the friends around you are effortlessly connecting with others (while those others refuse to connect with you), then it’s easy to conclude that you’re too flawed; but PLEASE do NOT believe that.
We are all flawed. I’ve met lots of people I did not want to talk to, but if they made the effort then I reciprocated. If the people you find yourself with cannot even be bothered to extend to you that level of friendliness, then that’s probably on them.
For all I know, you could come off as very rude, blunt, or super-negative person, so people may avoid you, but I don’t believe you are - at least not when trying to mingle with someone new. Give yourself some credit, and grant yourself the grace to consider that it might be the company you keep or the circles you roll in that are, let’s say, “not-compatible” with you. That’s fine! Nothing wrong with that. We CANNOT be all things to all people!
However, we should always keep a healthy level of skepticism to evaluate if we “came off too strong” or “word-vomited” our special interest non-stop while meeting someone (it happens to the best of us). Who knows, maybe we give “crazy eyes” or they misinterpreted our “vibe” while we were excited and nervous to meet someone new.
My point is, eventually someone out there may surprise you and enjoy a conversation with you. It’s easy for me to say, “do not get discouraged”, because I myself cannot handle rejection. However that rejection should only matter from good people you truly care about - not from strangers (or a rando friend-of-a-friend).
I know I “rub” some people the wrong way. It cannot be helped. I am blunt, I speak my mind, and I don’t play games with subtext. If a person cannot deal with that, then I’m not gonna mask-up everytime I’m around them. People gotta accept me for me; if they wanna be around me.
If you truly believe yourself to be a decent and caring person, then those people who avoid and ignore you may be jerks and insecure themselves to be around someone who actually wants to hold a thoughtful conversation and not parrot back the most banal conversations in history that I’ve overheard some of my friends have with the people who wouldn’t give me the time of day.
Some people are just petty and superficial. If you aren’t to their expected level of hotness, or super-popular, rich, powerful, wear the right clothes, have the right look, etc., then you may as well be an insect to those people. Equally pay those types of people no attention in return - BUT always be the better person and leave the door open to friendship if they later warm up to you.
Nothing bothers those types of people more than someone who doesn’t care enough to hate them (shows them just how little they matter if you’re always friendly and smile).
Who knows, maybe once a person gets to know you (say after working a project together or hanging in the same circles), they may come to realize they made an error in judgement upon their first-impression of you. They might eventually see how you’re not actually a rude, boring, or bad person. They may come to appreciate knowing someone they could have “real” interesting conversations with who will cut through all the bs and tell them what they need to hear. Ya never know.
I hope this helps some. As autistics, we are very literal and to someone who is not accustomed to that, it can be jarring and unbecoming, so we should be patient with them, while we allow our true unmasked selves to shine brighter and brighter over time.
Sure, you won’t make as many “friends” this way, but the ones you do make will definitely be keepers worth having around in your life for years to come. Good Luck!
I definitely find myself molding my personality to match the people I am associating with, rather than just being myself. Trying to fit in has always been a big part of my life, even though I rarely do for any length of time.
0:20 People with epilepsy or disabling heart problems don't have symptoms all the time, yet may try to present as "normal" as possible; more than a few disabilities are like that.
When you talk about agreeing w things you don’t agree with and your personality leaving your body I felt so seen😭 like I always felt very frustrated with myself and was like “I wish I could just be myself” after years of masking. I would just automatically pander to what other people said and it upset me and I had to make a concerted effort to unlearn that behavior. It was a way of survival in high school and middle school but once I became an adult and started learning myself better I would get so upset that I would do that you described it so well because I always said there is just some kind of barrier and I feel like I’m not able to be myself. Like my personality is behind a wall trying to be let out and for some reason I can’t access it.
I’m absolutely shocked at how well this describes me. I was always socially awkward and intense, until my mid-20s when I met someone who helped me to understand what people expect and how to behave. Because I always want to please others, I became increasingly good at masking, but it always takes its toll. Many years later I was finally in a long term relationship - with someone who works with autistic children - and she told me I was autistic. But I thought she was just being nasty. Maybe I should seek a diagnosis…
Thanks for your work!