I really had hoped in the beginning that my husband would come to his senses and come back. But literally one month to the day I filed for divorce he married his affair partner. She was pregnant while we were still married I had to get a divorce. Im doing really good by myself now. I wish him and her happiness!
I admire you so much. I started the divorce process but am having second thoughts. I’m hoping my husband will want to atleast try to work on our marriage. He hasn’t given me literally any chance to even try because he thought he would be happier with this other woman who is also married
@@lesliemontagne6797 I’m trying to get my divorce to finalize at this point. I had to take out a restraining order since he threatened to unalive himself instead of pay me anything in the divorce settlement. I moved out of our home and am safe. He also tried to break my wrist when I confronted him cheating on me.
The process/stage you said is exactly what my ex-partner did to me a month before she did the final breakup! Even after the breakup, she continued to vilify me constantly!
Thank you! Thank you 🙏🏽. I’m glad you exist to give us hope. Please don’t stop doing what you are doing. I hope to get my spouse to the workshop one day!
Thank you so much ingridaccount. We truly appreciate your comment and are grateful to have you as part of our community here on RUclips. Please, don't hesitate to reach out to us if there's anything else we can do for you. marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ Blessings,
It’s interesting that the focus is on cheating. This is often present in the dating space too. Where both parties are free to date and feel what they want. In that space, it can be called co or inter-dependent as opposed to inter-RELIABLE. I actually noticed all three of these stages in the last two of my relationships. If the first one had succeeded, I would have been ignoring the first stage completely. This second one, I caught it early because I was introduced to the concept of Limerence and recognized it in my own behavior. Thanks for this amazing conversation. 😁
My son left his wife and 11/2 year old daughter for a CrossFit girl. We are devastated over him leaving church, family, and hanging with high school buddies. He’s 35 and ex Army Ranger. Other frozen embryos are at stake.
Finding a good counselor or therapist can be really difficult! A marriage counselor is Not! Always the best person to see, because a lot of times they don't have knowledge or experience in infidelity. My first counselor was this and it didn't help. All she did, was made my cheating spouse look more like a pathetic victim and me the bad guy, the villian, the person who drove my spouse to cheating and that I needed to be understanding of his pain. The therapist completely ignored the pain that I was experiencing. It was awful and all that therapist did was drive a bigger wedge between my spouse and I. You can't just go to anybody with a degree in marriage or counseling.
So true. Our counselor offered to help us walk through the divorce. Marriage Helper coaches are a great alternative to traditional counselors. Have you seen the Marriage Helper video on how to find a good counselor? marriagehelper.com/how-to-find-marriage-counselor-cwc/
Hey there Colleen Rogers, we try to work with people in a different way than most counselors or coaches approach a situation. We would love to help you if you are interested! For more information about working with one of our coaches, you can follow this link to view pricing and coach availability! This will also let you see how to schedule a coaching session and you can even choose which coach you want to work with. Just follow this link to learn more! marriagehelper.com/coaching/
Family and friends mean well, but are not going to give you the advice you need only the advice you want to hear. You need godly people or people that are pro marriage.
There are two types of betrayal and both are bad.1. Having a emotional affair. Not limerence but affair. This can be just as brutal as #2 a physical affair. Both are a total betrayal and lack of respecting the relationship/marriage, SO or other person. Both are deceitful, conniving, covert, strategic, well planned acts of betrayal. They are not love they are choices made to knowingly destroy a relationship. And that is a despicable, terrible, horrible human being behavior. Never take a cheater back. Never let them have their cake and eat it too. Always always always be willing to walk away and move on without looking back.(as hard as that is) Expose them and their actions to everyone you and they know immediately. It stinks but Your turn is over.
I understand why you think taking them back is letting them have and eat their cake. But it's not. Not at all. Most people never cheat, they don't admire or respect cheaters. When you realize that you too have had and do have the choice to cheat, yet never pursue it you begin to see that they are not 'getting' anything. Why don't YOU cheat? When you get to the answer on that ask yourself exactly what delicious cake they got to eat. At that point it looks like a 5 year old Moon Pie. If it's so good, and such a wonderful thing then by all means go get yourself entangled in an affair...become the cheater you dream of being.
According to Helen Fisher...Arranged Marriages are beginning to fail and In countries where divorce is permitted these marriages are showing divorce in the first year of Marriage.
Limerence is a psychological state that happens when there is something going on in a persons life that is too difficult for them to look at consciously. The mind will “latch” onto someone or something and create a safe fantasy out of it. The mind does not always do this romantically and strong romantic connections are also not always limerence. If you think your spouse is having a romantic limerence experience with another person, ask yourself why. What was going on in your relationship that was making it fail, why did your relationship suddenly become something too difficult for them to face? Limerence is almost always associated with the mind needing to smooth itself in a difficult time. It’s easy to confuse Limerence with obsessive love, intense desire etc. Limerence is not simply your partner just suddenly without any reason falling for the fantasy of another person. People can experience Limerence in more than one interpersonal type of relationship. This fact seems to be completely avoided on this channel and it’s done in a way that to me, seems to give people false hope that their partner is returning once they fall out of Limerence, or if my partner left me for someone else that must mean they are in Limerence and I did everything right in the relationship and there is nothing that I need to look at in myself or see the reality of what our relationship was and why it failed The concept of what Limerence is seems to be twisted on this channel to in a way, remove any accountability from the spouses side who was left. Why did your partner leave? Yes, some are just jerks, some actually do fall in love with someone else and some do leave because of Limerence. But if they did leave because of Limerence (which you honestly can’t diagnose anyway), why did they need to mentally escape you?
I totally disagree. The entire advice portion from Marriage Helper is to work on yourself and become a better person, which gives a much greater chance the person cheating will come back once the limerence ends. The whole concept of pushes and pulls makes it clear that there are always things the person being cheated on can improve in themselves to avoid pushing others away.
What TERRIBLE COUNSELORS!! A friend of mine and her lawyer husband, who wanted a divorce, went to a counselor who was a woman. She developed a crush on the husband and took his side on EVERYTHING. Needless to say, they divorced. He married his secretary. The had three children. 😒
Maybe respecting that’s where he’s at right now instead of insisting on things he can’t be trusted to provide, like a no contact or minimal contact rule with LO, maybe it’s best to let him frolic. Because I can say, “I love you too much to stand in the way of the happiness that relationship currently brings you, but the fact that it hurts me too much to live on the margins of it means I need to make some changes for me, so I’ll be separating my life from yours, not against you or your LO, but simply for me to gain a stronger perspective and position in my own life, to help bolster my emotional guard against this pain. Please don’t come home at all until I’ve moved myself and our children out of that house of misery to a place we can start fresh and feel good about our future. Please give us that respect as I’m respecting your feelings for your relationship with this young lady. Then, the house will be all yours to frolic in forever with whomsoever you chose for your future. Thank you.” Than, with support of extended friends or family, loved ones and qualified counselors with appropriate training, find a way to disassociate myself from the person causing the pain as much as possible, as much as I feel comfortable, whatever levels that may entail for me. And perhaps giving my spouse that level of respect, while still illuminating my respect for myself, that might help him come to terms with the true consequences of his behavior, should that continue to involve disrespecting his relationship with me. Either way, I could put myself in a stronger position to handle whatever his decision might be on my own. And when I differentiate some, gain that perspective, I might find the time I’d spent ruminating about his choice for my future could have been spent creating one I love and admire for myself and our kids whether he chooses to be a part of it or not. Then, if he does decide to return to his commitment, it will be because he wants to be with me, not just because society tells him he’s an a-hole for walking out on his family or shames him. If I get more self- sufficient, emotionally, financially, physically, then that might leave room for respect and enjoyment of one another to re-enter our relationship. If not, at least I get stronger on my own, and better able to discern what might be best for me.
Great thoughts! We are all tended to make situation worse by our inappropriate reaction when we hear that our spouse is leaving us. Really, the best way is to stop focusing on the spouse, and deal with your own problems which led to the situation you are in. I wish I had understand that half year ago.
Ugh these vids are so confusing! Every one I watch tells me that my AP and I are NOT in limerence and are actually in real love. How is that possible???
I am in month 52 (roughly) of limerence. Apparently I’m the anomaly where it doesn’t end after the typical 48 months. I want to break it so badly. My ex-affair partner does not speak to me and actually ended up cheating on me (guess I deserved it). I see him in passing and I cannot stop thinking about those amazing moments. There were so many awful moments but I cannot forget the amazing ones. I wish it would go away so I could focus on my own life without distraction. Month 52. I’m a terrible person.
You are NOT a terrible person. We are so much more than even the worst things we do. Would you please consider a therapist? Best wishes on your journey.
I don't think it's limerence if you fell in love with your ex prior to breaking up. You get married to someone else but you still have your ex in your heart and then yrs later you start communicating with your ex while you're married. You never fell out of love with your ex. That isn't limeremce
The content discussed in this video can be examined from watching starting from the first season of Love and Marriage Huntsville witness Martell Holt vilanize his wife to justify his behaviors all to not marry his side chick and regret his decision of infidelity…
My wife is in limerence she doesn't want to make a decision between me and the other guy she wants the best of both worlds Hayes identity crisis midlife crisis
I know it’s 3 mo later but I’m currently in the same situation with my husband. My husband has even asked me to be in a relationship with the both of them. Are you still with your wife? I’m convinced my husband is in a midlife crisis.
Does narcissism play into this? I can see someone who is unhappy in a relationship being wooed by a narcissists..Narcissitic relationship seem like addictions...........on a side note: people have a choice not to act on their feelings.....and at least end one relationship and not play with people's emotions and lives... then begin the next relationship.
I wish there were more information specufic to a wife's affair. Women don't seem to express remorse. Is that typical? Because even serial cheating husbands are usually remorseful. Rarely do we hear of remorse with female cheaters.
@@mfawls9624 They likely hold it in and remain in denial, but to themselves they know the truth eventually. As their looks go and biological clock runs out, they really know.
It's so comforting to know there are people out there dealing with these issues with no judgment ❤
I really had hoped in the beginning that my husband would come to his senses and come back. But literally one month to the day I filed for divorce he married his affair partner. She was pregnant while we were still married I had to get a divorce. Im doing really good by myself now. I wish him and her happiness!
And you will be so blessed one day👍🙏🙏🙏🙏
I admire you so much. I started the divorce process but am having second thoughts. I’m hoping my husband will want to atleast try to work on our marriage. He hasn’t given me literally any chance to even try because he thought he would be happier with this other woman who is also married
@@thenorthface4 Time to make him separate from you.
@@lesliemontagne6797 I’m trying to get my divorce to finalize at this point. I had to take out a restraining order since he threatened to unalive himself instead of pay me anything in the divorce settlement. I moved out of our home and am safe. He also tried to break my wrist when I confronted him cheating on me.
@@thenorthface4 I think you deserve so much better than this. Divorce him.
The process/stage you said is exactly what my ex-partner did to me a month before she did the final breakup! Even after the breakup, she continued to vilify me constantly!
Thank you! Thank you 🙏🏽.
I’m glad you exist to give us hope.
Please don’t stop doing what you are doing.
I hope to get my spouse to the workshop one day!
Thank you so much ingridaccount. We truly appreciate your comment and are grateful to have you as part of our community here on RUclips. Please, don't hesitate to reach out to us if there's anything else we can do for you. marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/
Blessings,
I don’t want him to come back for a while. Being single for me is better than with him.. it was so toxic.
Glad you’re meeting a new, stronger, refreshing you! May God bless your progress as you endeavor.
It’s interesting that the focus is on cheating.
This is often present in the dating space too. Where both parties are free to date and feel what they want.
In that space, it can be called co or inter-dependent as opposed to inter-RELIABLE.
I actually noticed all three of these stages in the last two of my relationships.
If the first one had succeeded, I would have been ignoring the first stage completely.
This second one, I caught it early because I was introduced to the concept of Limerence and recognized it in my own behavior.
Thanks for this amazing conversation. 😁
Any spouse who does this to the other, is a terrible person because it was a CHOICE. They ARE NOT helpless!
My son left his wife and 11/2 year old daughter for a CrossFit girl. We are devastated over him leaving church, family, and hanging with high school buddies. He’s 35 and ex Army Ranger. Other frozen embryos are at stake.
PIES
Finding a good counselor or therapist can be really difficult! A marriage counselor is Not! Always the best person to see, because a lot of times they don't have knowledge or experience in infidelity.
My first counselor was this and it didn't help. All she did, was made my cheating spouse look more like a pathetic victim and me the bad guy, the villian, the person who drove my spouse to cheating and that I needed to be understanding of his pain. The therapist completely ignored the pain that I was experiencing. It was awful and all that therapist did was drive a bigger wedge between my spouse and I.
You can't just go to anybody with a degree in marriage or counseling.
So true. Our counselor offered to help us walk through the divorce. Marriage Helper coaches are a great alternative to traditional counselors. Have you seen the Marriage Helper video on how to find a good counselor? marriagehelper.com/how-to-find-marriage-counselor-cwc/
Hey there Colleen Rogers, we try to work with people in a different way than most counselors or coaches approach a situation. We would love to help you if you are interested! For more information about working with one of our coaches, you can follow this link to view pricing and coach availability! This will also let you see how to schedule a coaching session and you can even choose which coach you want to work with. Just follow this link to learn more! marriagehelper.com/coaching/
Family and friends mean well, but are not going to give you the advice you need only the advice you want to hear. You need godly people or people that are pro marriage.
There are two types of betrayal and both are bad.1. Having a emotional affair. Not limerence but affair. This can be just as brutal as #2 a physical affair. Both are a total betrayal and lack of respecting the relationship/marriage, SO or other person. Both are deceitful, conniving, covert, strategic, well planned acts of betrayal. They are not love they are choices made to knowingly destroy a relationship. And that is a despicable, terrible, horrible human being behavior. Never take a cheater back. Never let them have their cake and eat it too. Always always always be willing to walk away and move on without looking back.(as hard as that is) Expose them and their actions to everyone you and they know immediately. It stinks but Your turn is over.
I understand why you think taking them back is letting them have and eat their cake.
But it's not. Not at all. Most people never cheat, they don't admire or respect cheaters. When you realize that you too have had and do have the choice to cheat, yet never pursue it you begin to see that they are not 'getting' anything.
Why don't YOU cheat? When you get to the answer on that ask yourself exactly what delicious cake they got to eat. At that point it looks like a 5 year old Moon Pie.
If it's so good, and such a wonderful thing then by all means go get yourself entangled in an affair...become the cheater you dream of being.
According to Helen Fisher...Arranged Marriages are beginning to fail and In countries where divorce is permitted these marriages are showing divorce in the first year of Marriage.
Limerence is a psychological state that happens when there is something going on in a persons life that is too difficult for them to look at consciously. The mind will “latch” onto someone or something and create a safe fantasy out of it. The mind does not always do this romantically and strong romantic connections are also not always limerence.
If you think your spouse is having a romantic limerence experience with another person, ask yourself why. What was going on in your relationship that was making it fail, why did your relationship suddenly become something too difficult for them to face? Limerence is almost always associated with the mind needing to smooth itself in a difficult time. It’s easy to confuse Limerence with obsessive love, intense desire etc. Limerence is not simply your partner just suddenly without any reason falling for the fantasy of another person.
People can experience Limerence in more than one interpersonal type of relationship.
This fact seems to be completely avoided on this channel and it’s done in a way that to me, seems to give people false hope that their partner is returning once they fall out of Limerence, or if my partner left me for someone else that must mean they are in Limerence and I did everything right in the relationship and there is nothing that I need to look at in myself or see the reality of what our relationship was and why it failed
The concept of what Limerence is seems to be twisted on this channel to in a way, remove any accountability from the spouses side who was left. Why did your partner leave? Yes, some are just jerks, some actually do fall in love with someone else and some do leave because of Limerence. But if they did leave because of Limerence (which you honestly can’t diagnose anyway), why did they need to mentally escape you?
I totally disagree. The entire advice portion from Marriage Helper is to work on yourself and become a better person, which gives a much greater chance the person cheating will come back once the limerence ends. The whole concept of pushes and pulls makes it clear that there are always things the person being cheated on can improve in themselves to avoid pushing others away.
Love the Honey crystallisation comparison
What TERRIBLE COUNSELORS!!
A friend of mine and her lawyer husband, who wanted a divorce, went to a counselor who was a woman. She developed a crush on the husband and took his side on EVERYTHING. Needless to say, they divorced. He married his secretary. The had three children. 😒
Oh my word! My husband had severe heart pains in January. After, supposedly ending affair and trying.
Maybe respecting that’s where he’s at right now instead of insisting on things he can’t be trusted to provide, like a no contact or minimal contact rule with LO, maybe it’s best to let him frolic.
Because I can say, “I love you too much to stand in the way of the happiness that relationship currently brings you, but the fact that it hurts me too much to live on the margins of it means I need to make some changes for me, so I’ll be separating my life from yours, not against you or your LO, but simply for me to gain a stronger perspective and position in my own life, to help bolster my emotional guard against this pain. Please don’t come home at all until I’ve moved myself and our children out of that house of misery to a place we can start fresh and feel good about our future. Please give us that respect as I’m respecting your feelings for your relationship with this young lady. Then, the house will be all yours to frolic in forever with whomsoever you chose for your future. Thank you.”
Than, with support of extended friends or family, loved ones and qualified counselors with appropriate training, find a way to disassociate myself from the person causing the pain as much as possible, as much as I feel comfortable, whatever levels that may entail for me.
And perhaps giving my spouse that level of respect, while still illuminating my respect for myself, that might help him come to terms with the true consequences of his behavior, should that continue to involve disrespecting his relationship with me.
Either way, I could put myself in a stronger position to handle whatever his decision might be on my own. And when I differentiate some, gain that perspective, I might find the time I’d spent ruminating about his choice for my future could have been spent creating one I love and admire for myself and our kids whether he chooses to be a part of it or not.
Then, if he does decide to return to his commitment, it will be because he wants to be with me, not just because society tells him he’s an a-hole for walking out on his family or shames him.
If I get more self- sufficient, emotionally, financially, physically, then that might leave room for respect and enjoyment of one another to re-enter our relationship.
If not, at least I get stronger on my own, and better able to discern what might be best for me.
Great thoughts! We are all tended to make situation worse by our inappropriate reaction when we hear that our spouse is leaving us. Really, the best way is to stop focusing on the spouse, and deal with your own problems which led to the situation you are in. I wish I had understand that half year ago.
@@vladtermoidraulico
Although often it ISN'T the betrayed spouse who had problems.
Ugh these vids are so confusing! Every one I watch tells me that my AP and I are NOT in limerence and are actually in real love. How is that possible???
So glad to be part of this right now
Really looking forward to this one
I am in month 52 (roughly) of limerence. Apparently I’m the anomaly where it doesn’t end after the typical 48 months. I want to break it so badly. My ex-affair partner does not speak to me and actually ended up cheating on me (guess I deserved it). I see him in passing and I cannot stop thinking about those amazing moments. There were so many awful moments but I cannot forget the amazing ones. I wish it would go away so I could focus on my own life without distraction. Month 52. I’m a terrible person.
🙏💜
You are a terrible person, human yes, and honest to boot. Get help, you can stop. Ask God, no charge from Him!
I you are Not, a terrible person.
God still loves you. We all made mistakes in our lifes.
You are NOT a terrible person. We are so much more than even the worst things we do. Would you please consider a therapist? Best wishes on your journey.
I don't think it's limerence if you fell in love with your ex prior to breaking up. You get married to someone else but you still have your ex in your heart and then yrs later you start communicating with your ex while you're married. You never fell out of love with your ex. That isn't limeremce
I never cared about anything Freud had to say. 🙂
The content discussed in this video can be examined from watching starting from the first season of Love and Marriage Huntsville witness Martell
Holt vilanize his wife to justify his behaviors all to not marry his side chick and regret his decision of infidelity…
My wife is in limerence she doesn't want to make a decision between me and the other guy she wants the best of both worlds Hayes identity crisis midlife crisis
I know it’s 3 mo later but I’m currently in the same situation with my husband. My husband has even asked me to be in a relationship with the both of them. Are you still with your wife? I’m convinced my husband is in a midlife crisis.
Yes giving her grace and trying to be patient with her.
Does limerance ever end on it's own. Without counseling or therapy?
So my question is what if you gave your husband another chance and he does it again with another partner
its over. is this how you wwant to live for your whole life? choose yourself.
Does narcissism play into this? I can see someone who is unhappy in a relationship being wooed by a narcissists..Narcissitic relationship seem like addictions...........on a side note: people have a choice not to act on their feelings.....and at least end one relationship and not play with people's emotions and lives... then begin the next relationship.
Thank you ♥️
Why stay with someone who has feelings that
Because it ends
What happens if you already burnt the honey? Since you said once it’s burnt you will never get that taste out.. it’s already damaged
Find a new honey jar.
Yea, because people never fall in love for real, just limurance 🙈 I thought limurance is imagining the other person loving you too??
I wish my wife was willing to work on our marriage instead of wanting a divorce & serving me with divorce papers.
I wish there were more information specufic to a wife's affair. Women don't seem to express remorse. Is that typical? Because even serial cheating husbands are usually remorseful. Rarely do we hear of remorse with female cheaters.
@@mfawls9624 They likely hold it in and remain in denial, but to themselves they know the truth eventually. As their looks go and biological clock runs out, they really know.
Why did she give papers?
How have you been ?
Love is a lie - stop chasing rainbows & live your best life instead!