3 Courageous Ways To Forgive A Cheating Wife Or Husband
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- Learning that your spouse had an affair is an earth-shattering feeling. It leaves open-ended questions like, "where did we go wrong?" Or "What could I have done differently?" Infidelity happens for numerous reasons, and we all play a part in our marriages. Sometimes cheating happens because of internal traumas, resentment, fading feelings, and more. There's no way to go back in time and figure out what went wrong, so forget about trying to change the past.
Reflection is essential, but dwelling on your spouse's actions worsens the feeling and leads you down a rabbit hole. If your marriage feels torn apart by an affair, there are ways to heal and even better ways to forgive your spouse for the pain they've caused. We believe that forgiveness is a process, so even if you don't feel ready yet to forgive your spouse, we offer advice on slowly climbing the stairway to reconciliation and ultimately making your marriage stronger than before.
In this video, we cover:
-How to forgive a cheater
-Vengeance Vs. Justice
-The three steps to Decision-Based Forgiveness
-Expressing empathy
-Learning to move past the hurt
-The reconciliation process
-What to do if your spouse doesn't understand your pain
-Free resources to help you heal your marriage
An Affair can make or break your relationship. It takes two people to mend a marriage and a lot of effort to rebuild trust. If you desire to work things out with your partner and fall back in love again, the Marriage Helper team is here to support you.
Good people make bad decisions, and despite what our friends and family tell us, cheating isn't always black and white. We have worked with couples on the verge of divorce and ones who came back to each other after years of being apart. Our methods work, and we want to share our experiences with you. From our coaches to how-to articles, workshops, and more, we believe if anything works, this will.
Like, subscribe, and turn on notifications to hear more helpful videos and unique stories of reconciliation from other people going through the same situations you're in right now.
Please leave a comment below, give us your feedback and opinion, and share this video with someone you believe needs it.
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Betrayal from a person that you are close too, especially your spouse, is absolutely heartbreaking! I'm not sure if you can forgive, but you will not ever forget! Believe me, you can move on! You try to do the best for your family, yourself, and even for the person that betrayed your love and trust! You can't let something like this dictate your life! It's a terrible experience, however, it is something that you can grow from!
Definitive.
And I think "forget" is absolutely the wrong approach.
Process and over time, little by little, forgive-yes.
But what happened must not be suppressed (forgotten), because it is also now a part of the common past - and from the past we can learn to do better and be aware of why we have become who we are now and what our values are, for example.
I am listening intensely because I am a spouse that has stepped out on the love of my life and working to gain her trust back
Listen Cheater! She’s NOT the love of your life and she knows it. No matter What you feel or do, you won’t even COME CLOSE to the agony you’ve dumped you spouse. If you manage to put your relationship back together, know it’s at the expense and heroic. Strength and love that your “Irresistible AP”could never give you. “Crawl over broken glass” for as long as you carried on with lying and cheating!
Same
@Hauwau Ibrahim tanko hi do you have doctor Wilson’s number??
@@camillagonzales2409 *Gee, you must have been cheated on and it's done a number on you. Why do you have this pent up anger and hatred for a person who's remorseful about betraying their spouse?*
@@camillagonzales2409 stay attached to that ball and chain around your soul, which is your anger and lack of forgiveness. Oh...I am a betrayed spouse. My advice... forgiveness is more for you than it is for the cheater. Learn to forgive and restore peace in your soul. You are loved and God loves you....please believe that.
My wife is barely remorseful. She isn't doing much to change herself. I don't want to hurt her and I do not want her to feel rejected. But she is just being the same person and expects things to get better.
I'm stuck in the same spot. Not sure what to do, she's been unemployed for a year, and I am the sole financial support for her, and my sister in law. I don't know what to do, and for the second time in my life I consider leaving her, but I don't know how to throw away everything I built.
@@josiahdennis4381
Leave her very soon or you'll regret it your whole life.
She doesn't respect you at all.
I was in your places. Leave. I should have left 15 years ago. What would you do if you cheated? Of course, the answer is everything in your power to humble yourself and reassure with all the transparency you can offer. But cheating spouses that don’t do that are too selfish and immature. And that is not a person who is sorry or is capable of rebuilding the trust you deserve. Leave. If they change consistently for a long time after you leave, then perhaps there is a chance. If not, you left and you will get yourself back either way. Leave.
I'd be willing to apologize to my wife every day for the rest of my life for anything that I ever did that hurt her. And I have never had an affair. But if I did I would definitely be willing to apologize any time they were triggered or anything like that because I would want to take on the pain that they would otherwise be feeling themselves because I'm the one that caused that pain. I think the betraying spouse should be willing to do that if they really love their spouse and want their spouse to heal from the pain they caused. In fact why wouldn't they wanna do that. Well the answer is they don't want to feel the guilt or shame. but if they're caused pain to their spouse they should be willing to feel the guilt. and any spouse that's willing to do that I'm willing to bet the betrayed spouse would be much much much more easily forgiving of them because they would see them as being truly remorseful.
And that level of remorse would bring a lot of healing to both spouses
So true. It's like a tab in the back of your mind unable to be closed when the other person won't let you talk about it. They don't understand how beneficial it would be to not just the betrayed, but themselves of they were willing to help close the tab. If you brush something under a rug, it doesn't mean it's not there... you have to actually do something to clean up the mess, but many aren't willing to do that. They could go through the shame and guilt while you work through the pain and it would be very healing.
Good stuff guys, I think I'd like to add is the other partner that is committed. The infidelity needs to show guilt, remorse, and empathy towards how they make you feel that is also key to getting over the anger and betrayal
I was cheated on by my wife 3months ago. she hooked up with her college bf for 6months. She later told me "i just wanted to hurt you". So where does the "evil" fall with that? How do i forgive someone that wanted to intentionally hurt me? I have forgiven her... but its been a super hard path. She has zero remorse, doesn't want "Christian" counseling, has barely said sorry, took a few weeks to cut him out of her life (im still not entirely convinced this happened, she didnt show any proof), and has since locked up her phone and accounts so i cant see anything she's doing.. zero transparency.
Does that sound like someone that wants to fix anything?
I want to desperately fix this since we've got 17yrs and 3kids under our belts... but I cant seem to get her to see any light. My only option at this time is to divorce her.... which completely breaks my heart even more.
So sorry to know that. I wish you find peace and love.
Sorry to hear your story which is very similar to mine. I hope and pray everything works out for you, that what ever happens you can find happiness again
@@ZarinaSolara I'm getting there. I'm at the 4month mark of divorce and it's hopefully coming to an end here soon.
I hate that it's getting there but it's the only way for me to heal and to be strong for my kids.
Keep going! Divorce is one of the most difficult experiences but you will see that when this is all over, you will be okay after all. You will find the one that God gave you. As long as the kids are doing just fine! Help them heal as well. God Bless!
Love & respect yourself enough to walk away, she's not sorry or remorseful and she's still being unfaithful , the signs are all there! take the steps to continue to be part of your children's life. Seek Christian counseling, join a church and focus on you and a future with a true blue caring faithful God fearing woman . There are still good, faithful women out there with morals.
Is the forgiving person who stays in the marriage not now feeling TRAPPED?? Because they swore loyalty and love towards this person who couldn’t reciprocate?
Not only were your videos the lifeline of my marriage as a betrayed spouse, the comfort of your voice really provided comfort. A voice without judgment, but a voice of compassion and empathy. That plus all of the helpful information was what kept me fighting for my marriage when most people would have thought "leave him!" Tomorrow will be our 16-year wedding anniversary. If you would have asked me last year I would have thought we will not have another anniversary together again.
Well then, Happy Anniversary to you!
I am glad for you and your spouse, I'm glad that your marriage was saved, and that you got to celebrate this anniversary. You're right that many people would have told you that you should leave him, without bothering to get to know you or try to understand why you wanted to save your marriage.
I just want you to know that there are people (like me) who support you and encourage you and commend you for choosing to save your marriage.
Congratulations to you, this is an Anniversary worth celebrating!
Congratulations on standing for your marriage and reconciliation based on your values. Happy anniversary!!
Oh, yeah! Compassion, empathy, no judgement-FOR THE CHEATERS!! Marriage Help the Cheater Get Off the Hook!!
Wish my sister in law can see this
Hey have been my lifeline as well! Thank You
What angers me most is.. The one's betrayed.. Has to take all in and then forgive their partner.. Cause the betrayed are the one who actually wanna things to work... your partner clearly has move on the minute the infidelity started. Yes, they may want to come back as suddenly the thought of living in her/his affair will not work for a long time. Fantasy will be fantasy. Now all this marriage counsellors do is to exploits on ur vulnerability in tough times.. I say the only way for you to forgive ur partner is to forget her altogether.. Leave when u are hurting.. Any animals knows that..
My husband cheated on me emotionally; he went to the woman he fell in love with 20 years ago under the excuse of shopping and fell in love with her again in the form of limerence, I suffered so much that I received psychological treatment, he did not go back after this came out, but when we met, he was looking at her with his mouth wide open, and the woman was looking at him with her mouth open. Despite me, he exhibits flirtatious behavior. A year and a half has passed, he listens to songs on the music list that confirm his love for her and makes me think that he is continuing. He never wants to divorce me, he completely denies this incident. He occasionally had micro-cheating incidents with other women, which I noticed. Do you think I can stay married to this man? Okay, I treated him badly in the past because he upset me, but was this my punishment? Isn't this pain enough? That woman comes into my dreams every night and I hurt my eyes with her image every morning and it never goes away.
Bless you, all. Thank you.
You guys are so amazing.
What I’ve heard is very helpful and I want to say thank you .
What if they are still continuing the affair?
So true. I especially feel his advice towards the husband wanting to know how to feel peace and forgive her. What does she still need to do so you can if she’s already remorseful? Does she need to prove it and continue to establish trust? Does he want to see her suffer and be in pain? If he does, is that fair? If he’s still ruminating about thoughts about the affair, then it sounds like he needs to work on his ruminating behavior in order to feel peace. Reframing the way your mind thinks about what happened. Processing what happened, attempting to see it from each others view, rebuilding trust, doing self work to repair self confidence, and treat yourself and partner to doing things together.
Simp
My wife and I have had several conversations about my infidelity over 40 years ago. She has told me a couple of times that she won’t talk about it anymore unless she brings up the topic first. How do I approach this and create open dialogue without “ permission”?
Did I miss the link to the free e-book? I do not see it in the show notes…
Boundaries
don't!! people don't!
What about the CHEATER don't have remous?
15:10 to 15:52 Ah, Beam-Sama - wise and objective. Your teachings great wisdom they have. '149' years haven't passed in vain.
😂 witty you
The guy who wrote in and said his wife won't stop seeing the affair partner... she might be going through a mid life crisis but at the very least she's still in limerance and does not want to give up the relationship because she still is emotionally and maybe physically desiring that man More than her husband. I could be wrong but that is my guess
Dr. Beam. My name is Brenda Hillebrant. You said in one of your videos you had a man friend named Denny who died. My father was named Denny. He died not too long ago. Is that the same man? His name is Denzil Hubbard Hillebrant. Please respond if I'm right.
Hey Brenda, thank you for your comment but it was actually a different Denny. So sorry for your loss though. I'm sure he was an amazing man as well. Blessings to you and thank you for your comment.
Leave and move on.
Alabama
IF THEY CHEATED AND YOU THINK HE WAS DOING THE BEST HE COULD WOULD NOT HELP AT ALL!
I DONT BUY ANYTHING SHE SAYS......
Is it possible to extricate onesself from a limerent affair if one is still in limerence? I think my husband literally white-knuckled the situation but seemed to leave a window to the LO open, e.g. the contacts were still on his phone although he swore everything was deleted. Basically my question is: does limerence have to run its course?
Jeez! He must block her on every device he has and submit to daily inspection of hi$ cell or reconciliation will just be an exercise in torture. His withdrawal pains from his AP is HIS problem and should not dump this on you. What is he keeping her contact links for? To run back to her when you have a bad hair day?
Why would I do that? It means he's the wrong person. The right person will not cheat on you no matter what.
I completely disagree. People all go through different difficulties in life. Everyone can cheat
Any person could potentially wind up cheating. I have to admit that I was tempted to, a long time ago, but consciously decided to turn away from that temptation. I've been a committed Christian my entire life, and I'm one of the most loyal people you ever would meet, but it was a hard temptation to put down.
Like Kimberly says in the video, we are all flawed human beings.
😅 If only it were that easy.
@@vicsar it's definitely not easy, whether one's position is to try to save the marriage or to end it. Both are difficult to deal with.
@@j.d.aengus Of course is not easy....when there are kids is the middle. But not everyone has kids.
I'm a loyal person, so I cannot be loyal to someone who cheated on me...or betrayed me.
Music too loud it distracts
I would have been able to take in more of your information if you would not be touting your workshops every other sentence.
My husband cheated on me and i forgive him he repeat it again and again what can I do
Leave sweetheart
❤
It’s easy to forgive the remorseful. But that doesn’t mean you stay with them. If someone sexually assaulted you, you might forgive them, but you would be a fool to stay with them. Infidelity is very much like assault in terms of the pain it inflicts. You have to stay away from that person and your teaching here is awful because you are encouraging people to contribute to their own abuse. Please stop doing this!
My spouse doesn't cheat me.. Monogamy PERFECT is deal itself in our life..
As usual, the Betrayed has to “eat it.”
I agree. Could not have said it simpler.
@@tompal154 PTSD. It tore me up.
Yes, it's so unfair.
😖how people can be so cruel and selfish.
As a "Betrayed", I eat it because I recognise I was no saint... i recongise how my own behaviours hurt and pushed him away and made him vulnerable to limerance. But he chose to come back to me and I believe I am blessed because he is precious to me and our children. Our home is intact and we work to have peace, joy and love in our home instead of the constant fighting prior.
Are there evil people?
I am cheated on. I think I’ll mary a girl who has been through the same pain of being cheated on. We both will be aware of the calamities cheating inflicts, consequently will have a good life
but what guarantee is there that the new girl won't cheat also
Things don't always work this way
A year late, but that doesn't even work. My partner cheated on me and he was cheated on by his ex.
Can it also be an option to forgive but actively complet tthe divorce? With the aim of a positive cooparenting and get the kids out of a spiral of discussions and arguments.
Yes you can forgive.. no you don’t have to stay. My cheater ex husband wouldn’t even do the work required so no point staying.
Finally, a sane person!
I will do anything to save my marriage
Absolutely. Narcissistic spouse can never change
@edwardjerez9162 My wife had an emotional affair and I said the same thing to my therapist. He challenged me on that comment. "Would you?" And I thought about it and said "no". I wouldn't allow her to keep cheating to save the marriage.
How can you forgive someone who doesnt ask for it? And really want to part with you.?time to set free.
Yes I agree forgiving is the best but It takes me a long, long time to forgive especially someone who cheat on me as I consider them dirty when they are full of other men's DNA. Let him keep her.
Marriage helper helped save my marriage
Thanks for sharing that. My wife is divorcing me, but all the good information from Marriage Helper's videos has given me hope that it's not the end, that we could still remarry someday.
How can I get over everytime me and my spouse separated and he always sleeps with someone and than we get back together and he ends up always accusing me and looking for any hints of me with someone else I forgive but it hurts and I don't know how to get over his insecurities and prove that I have not did anything
Same here. Love Joe. What a great asset to humanity
Can it also be an option to forgive but actively complet tthe divorce? With the aim of a positive cooparenting and get the kids out of a spiral of discussions and arguments.
Yes. I’m gonna do it in a week or so
@@azeemsarfarazlexicon101 you can still forgive and work it out together
You have helped me so much! Thank you. Can I ask what constitutes cheating? How do you feel about a porn addiction that was hid for years? How do you process and deal with that?
Different people have different opinions on this. Porn addiction certainly isn't healthy behavior, and definitely isn't good for the marriage and for one's attraction to one's spouse. In my opinion, use of pornography is a form of infidelity. Dr. Beam warns against it, since pornography can negatively affect one's attraction to one's spouse and one's sexual satisfaction with one's spouse.
What if the cheating spouse doesn't have any remorse of his actions..
What if you spouse does not want to stop cheating?yes I understand the forgiveness bit because the Bible says so but how do you have peace of mind living with this person?
@@suzieakoto2693 The Bible allows divorce for the reasons of infidelity . I don’t know your situation, but if your partner is unrepentant and is showing no sign of change or even wanting to change, I would tell you to pray about it, talk to God about, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into which decisions to make! If you initiate the divorce, the Holy Spirit will let you know if this is led by God or not.
@@suzieakoto2693 I am not encouraging a divorce, God does not like divorce even with the valid reason He gave to divorce ( infidelity) , He still doesn’t like divorce.
but like I said with my advice being included, the Bible does allow divorce for the reason of infidelity. I would pray, PUT YOUR FULL TRUST IN GOD FOR GUIDANCE, ask God to guide you and help you into know which decision to make, and if you do decide to initiate the divorce, the Holy Spirit will let you know if it is being led by God or not. I hope this was of help
@@suzieakoto2693 And yes we have to forgive everyone who hurts us no matter how bad they hurt us, it’s extremely hard and unthinkable but forgiveness is a requirement from God.. but no you are not required to stay with someone who is constantly cheating on you, in a regular relationship or in marriage.
Divorce is a very difficult thing to think about especially when there are children involved. But you know you’re not ok living with this person. What do you do?
why cant all therapists be like this!💚
My soon to be ex has zero remorse and full of excuses.
9:14 Once you categorize a person you tend to treat them according to that category.
Power in forgiveness 😢I’m going to end 😢all this
I love her and my imperfections were a problem. However. Five years after D Day I’ve realized she’s a gas lighting narcissist. She spent about 18 months treating me like I matter. That has ended. Time for me to fly.
There's no way I would feel for them!!! It's absolutely NOT the best they could do!! That's insane! This is honestly what you are suggesting??? What a ripoff
What about a cheater who is a narcissist? Verbally abusive, dismissive, rageful? What then? I don't know if I can ever live with this again...
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to stick around.
One can only offer forgiveness. If the cheater doesn't think she did anything wrong, she will never accept it.
Forgiveness is a two step process. The betrayed person can only be willing to forgive. It still takes the cheater admitting they did something wrong and accepting forgiveness for it to be complete.
Without such acceptance, there is no forgiveness.
It's offer and acceptance. One can only offer. One cannot impose forgiveness upon another.
My situation is that of the guy from the second question. Ugh.. it hurts.
@@allysonhanks9159 Are you with marriage helper?
how do you set an appt for a workshop through
Hey annette collins, thank you for showing interest in our Workshops! We offer a couples online and in-person workshop as well as a Solo Spouse workshop in case your spouse is unwilling to attend. You can learn more about our workshops by following this link directly! If anything works to save your marriage, this will. marriagehelper.com/workshops/
Now I understand why my husband did what he did. He’s father was very sick and was dying. So my husband took this unhealthy route and ended up hurting me, but it wasn’t about me it was about him and cooping with that hurt that he was going to loose his father. Thank you you opened my eyes to see him different.
In my opinion once you have been betrayed its over. I dont think it is possible to rebuild trust.
My ex told me I did not own him.
How do you deal with the children or family involved & there awareness to all of the affair & Their" parents "..to rebuild their Trust ..?? Moving on is very difficult..young teens / pre teens to follow examples..seeing their parents in their healing as well
Hey @irenegarcia7356, we are so sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately, what you have described is very common to what we see and deal with on a regular basis with the couples we work with. When it comes to children being involved and how an affair can affect them, we actually created a course designed to help you navigate this. It's the Save My Marriage Course Membership! There are multiple videos that talk about how to talk to your children about things like this. It's 12 in-depth video lessons designed to teach you exactly what to do to save your marriage. You also get the included workbook, a private online support group, discounts on coaching packages, and even private live support calls and trainings with Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes!
If you're about to give up, please consider getting this membership first! Find out more here:
bit.ly/3EXzcKn
I would love for you guys to give my wife and I some marriage counseling. She still holds a problem that I put her through against me and even though she says she doesn’t anymore I can just tell by sitting and listening to her talk about it and other things
Well if you are sitting and listening to her amd not getting defensive, that I'd how many women get over it. Is by talking through their emotions. And you should validate how that made her feel. Not keep apologizing if you have, but let her talk about it. Put yourself in her shoes and use the empathy you want bestowed on you if roles were reversed.
It was very sad to hear about your eldest daughters' health issues. But it makes me wonder how you Joe had a long-term affair of your own and chose to hurt your wife and your family because of your own selfishness.
Me and my husband been married for 12 yrs. And everytime we separated or sleeps with someone and than we get back together and he's always accusing me and I haven't even went that way of meeting anyone why is he so insecure and always thinking I'm cheating or looking for something
Because he is cheating
Grow up! Get rid of him!!!
@marriagehelper It'd been two years since my husband told Me he was cheating, but I can't let go. I tell myself I had a lot to do with it. The person was living in our house for some time and because I didn't want to seem jealous, I kept my feelings bottled up, trying to avoid conflict. I've leays had a hard time expressing my feelings, still do. How do I fix myself? How do I let go?