Well my ex got her independence, she can choke on it. 3 years of building a future together went down the drain. it is my belief that hyperindependence leads to being alone even when you are married to someone or are surrounded by people. if you never let someone in then you are alone in your house of horror of your subconscious mind. i never understood why my ex kept saying that she hated herself, I do now.
Poor Avoidant ， they are full of contradictions and low self-esteem. May God have mercy on and heal them. Of course, the premise is that they are Willing to accept healing.
….yep, my feelings exactly. I just ended a short relationship with one of these people the very first time she shut down to me emotionally. And that after 3 nearly perfect months together and for no apparent reason. Day 3 little or no change, day 4 I kicked her sorry arse to the curb. I’ve seen and experienced this kind of bad behaviour before and I don’t give a crap about so called childhood traumas, not when they have never faced up to themselves and ‘done the work’. I have zero tolerance for these people, avoid the avoidant at all costs. I’m here figuring out how the hell I attracted one of these ones into my life again.
@@cspace1234nz I totally agree, zero tolerance policy. These folks are all around us, you may not have necessarily attracted one, only started talking with one and found out in short time that it was an avoidant. I ended a new friendahip with an FA recently, all was going beautifully and 6 weeks in she suddenly became cold and distant because of fears (she even admitted to it). i ended it, life is too short.
These videos are super helpful. Its been a month or so since my avoidant left, she told me shes scared of relationships after pretty much acting like we were in one for almost a year, and now I have completely gone no contact with her. She sees me where I work and messages me after every time I see her but I dont respond because she never says anything valuable. She recently tried sending me a picture of a cat to start a conversation but I did not continue the conversation. My thing is if you arent able to express your feelings or anything or say sorry or be willing to fix things then talking to me is just because you are bored not because you hate missing me.
Or! Going no contact confirms their fears that you will abandon them. So, they'll believe they made the right choice and never return. I never went no contact with my avoidant. Took a lot on my part to not give up. It made him realize he may have been wrong in his decision to separate. Fast forward: We're now married and his fears are gone. Great partner now.
Can't handle a relationship, fears intimacy need space n all that shit ...my question is downright clear...Why the fk r u in a dating app..all those signup shit for what . entertainment??
I'm now 3 weeks NC. He's a lonely guy drinks too much ,and yes he clearly has issues. He's 55,get a life. His loss. Pain is getting better,but still feel like an idiot I didn't see this coming after 2.5 years. Thanks Coach Ryan
Don’t dwell in the past. The good thing is you recognize it now and you are doing something about it. Stay strong and love and be gentle with yourself ❤
I’m experiencing this right now and I appreciate your videos and knowledge. I’m so confused and hurt, and I have failed yet again today when I received his recent “check in”. Ive never, ever experienced avoidance in my life, and the “no contact “ concept is beyond difficult. I love and care for him, and I would love to “fix him”, but not at the expense destroying me. So cruel.
After months of trying to get something out of my ex and getting nowhere. Even if she replied, "Fuck off!", it would've been something, but all I got was ignored. Which hurts more than ever. I've been in total no contact though, since June. I am so much better now and what feelings I had for her have all but vanished. I wish I'd done it sooner 😃👍🏻
For more than tens times, just on time, really felt the urge to text. Thanks a million for showing up always, for support & reminding us of our worth. Really grateful for your existence.
10 "Survival Lies" You May Tell If You Have CPTSD: 1. fawn response 2. you start lying from very young to become socially included 3. story of yourself that is not actually true (you crafted it to adapt to environment) 4. lying to avoid loss 5. lying to secure resources/safety 6. lying due to shame 7. you find yourself in scenarios (due to past traumas) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies 8. you lie after experiencing an emotional flashback 9. you lie because you don't want to have to caretake the other person's feelings 10. you lie because it feels nice to pretend to be (and therefore to feel) somewhat normal, sometimes * 4 things people with severe trauma do, without thinking: 1. Obsessing/ruminating 2, Assuming our feelings are wrong 3, Attaching to others in unhealthy ways 4. Viewing ourselves as others see us (without them knowing our back-story!) * YES, You Can Heal Childhood PTSD -- These Actions HELP: 1. Learn to emotionally regulate 2. Save your social/romantic energy ONLY for people who are available and who reciprocate 3. Get really good at ending relationships that aren't healthy/reciprocal 4. Choose friends who are working on themselves and are doing things you admire 5. Find activities/hobbies that bring you HEALTHY growth/evolution 6. ALWAYS ASK: How do I feel after I hang out with this person? Inspired/energized? Or drained and bad about myself?
Mine discarded me three weeks ago and then ends up sending me a message asking if I had a fake profile. I was a bit puzzled as I left them alone. I just replied “no” and then they ended up messaging me with just a one word reply “weird”. I e not bothered to reach out. There’s been no apology of him pulling away. I had written a long message before he discarded me about how I felt as I was confused about them as they were hot and cold. I guess they were just breadcrumbing to see if I will take the bait again. I don’t think so. Not anymore. Twice with this person was more than enough. I’m working on myself instead.
I miss and love him! I wish he would come back 😢. He had breadcrumbs me a week ago but I did not respond. Now I feel he will never breadcrumbs me again. 😢
@@comfortzone5618soooo you’re ok with receiving the barebones minimum from some guy? Do you even value or love yourself? Why would you accept this treatment from anyone? Get that man off of that pedestal!
The thing is, avoidants don't have anyone, and when you do no contact, it just further damages them. Doing this has not helped anyone. It just enforces their betrayal trauma and lack of people they can trust.
My avoidant wife DID have somebody. She had me. I was kind to her, supported her in everything, loved her, the lot. She decided to discard me and act like I never happened because she felt she 'wasn't sure she loved me anymore'. I tried to be there for her after the breakup, communicated with her, tried to show I was still a good partner for her. But she just treated me like an acquaintance. So, I decided to give her the breakup she clearly wanted and went no contact.
That is not true (Personal opinion here). I have seen avoidants having PLENTY OF FRIENDS around them. Always on social media, always on gaming platforms, always on dating sites. I tend to believe that they create the illusion that they have people around them, so there is no fear of abandonment (and they have unlimited validation). Truth is, they have few to no people with whom they can share true intimacy because they fear that very thing. So, they satisfy themselves with surface level connections and convince themselves that they are all good without you (because they subconsciously think you are replaceable).
So what is the alternative? Constantly call and chase, the VERY thing that avoidants loathe? If they aren’t giving anything to the person they are with, the only logical thing to do is to take several steps back and cut off everything. Forcing yourself on an avoidant is like trying to force a square peg into a round hole; it won’t fit no matter how much you try to force it. If the avoidant wants to be in a relationship, they’d act like it 🤷🏾♀️
There's literally nothing you can do when you've done everything you can and were always there for them and they still throw you out like trash. Not your problem anymore.
Poor Avoidant ， they are full of contradictions and low self-esteem. May God have mercy on and heal them. Of course, the premise is that they are Willing to accept healing.
@@dclarke1896 There is no need to say sorry to Avoidant: because I was cruelly and painfully taken on a "roller coaster" by him for a whole year. I doted on him too much ..... so even though I slapped him twice hard 3 months ago I won't apologize for this, on the contrary, I finally feel relieved! He really needs a major repair and change, otherwise, there is no chance of going back!
Try living with them 😢 it's been a year, I got a job, and hopefully, (I didn't have a job during the summer because my son is autistic and can't be left alone) I will have my own place by September, October at the latest.
I'm so glad I've been watching your videos and a few others. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum in the anxious category and so naturally I move toward the to dismissive avoidant. It's always so painful. I think would helps me not take it personally though is as much as I am debilitated with anxiety, I would think the other person would be debilitated with their point of view and reality. This helps me understand what they may be going through although it is the opposite if that makes any sense. And other forwards, their pain is as great as mine in their own mind.
Your videos are massively helpful and validating! Thank you! Any advice for regret over breaking no contact when they've reached out to say they miss me and I said I miss them too? I'm thinking just show myself compassion for my feelings and reset the no contact in my mind. It doesn't matter if they've now taken on a mindset that I'm available to them, just move on and don't worry about "setting the record straight" with them.....?
What if you don't want to get back with them? But you spent two years of intimacy and loving energy - and they need to hear some things? And wake up to their horrible treatment of others ( she's definitely narcissistic as well). I don't care if she hates me upon reading it - but, over time, she'll know it's the truth - and it's time for her to stop running from HERSELF. She's 54 and in a tailspin since we broke up, but doesn't know why ( she sent me an email describing things). She's a toxic nightmare and the universe is trying to wake her up - but she is WAY too emotionally immature and shallow to figure out --that SHE'S the cause - for all her effects.
I kind of did it as well but I said something opposite in my texts. That he's a lier, manipulator, horrible, ugly, that I despise him etc. and never ever want him back (it was 3 years on and offs, that includes 11 months of situationship and 3 months of relationship). But at the end I added that I did it to make sure he won't come back again. I'm actually wondering what it will bring me. No coach says about devaluation. No contact in the videos is always about not telling them how important they are. What if we do opposite?
What if they reached out asking how your weeks going 2-3 times in the first few weeks after breakup? I replied but it was just small talk and now NC for 3 weeks. I haven't reached out first since
I have not heard nothing for 6 months and don't intend to good luck on that monkey branching to the next guy. He has got loads of shit coming his way. I'm gone
Hey Coach your spot on as usual got My partner spot on it's such a paradox situation she told me she needs to feel safe so I gave her all the emotional support and assurance we went away for a great couple of days she had a thing about the pillars in the relationship she said they was all in place and happy next day she went quiet then bang the dreaded text its over after apologising for her absence for a few days her passing quote keep your chin up 😂😂 gone NC her loss not mine don't chase ever this is a cycle I've been on for 7 years work on yourself rather than worrying about a person you gave 100% and only ever got 20% back what does that say about your self worth
But he messages me saying that he is in a bad place right now and to please pick up his call, his avoidance is getting on to him now and only I can get him calm now. I did break the no contact after ignoring him for 2 months. But I did tell him that he is being selfish and I am not his therapist.
I'm pretty sure I at the very least have severe avoidant tendencies. We broke contact and neither of us contacted eachother. I can confirm it did give me enough perspective after reading a lot about relationships. It really was the best approach to it.
I just want my money he owes me 😂lbvvvs. Back in June I was devastated but thanks to your videos I now understand him for who he really is and not who I thought he was or who he pretended to be ❤️ 3 months later I’m in such a better place. 😊too many people in this world for me to be crying over his sorry a$$. ❤
I have no attachment issues at all and had really good and healthy relationships. I told these 5 sentences to many girls because they were just not my type and I was just not really attracted to them after several dates.
Is it wrong that I feel like I'm violating myself worth if I say hello back when they say hello? They know what they did was destroy me so I mean who stabs someone and then says a casual hello? It's like Brutus get this knife out of my back
Don’t respond. They’re breadcrumbing you. (Typical unhealed DA/FA). They don’t want you back because of the potential connection..(ooo horrifying). They just want to see if you’re still around thinking about them. Quick dopamine fix for them.
I would say if you do respond keep the conversation casual,polite and brief. And only talk about what happened between you guys only if they bring it up first. And if the conversation gets awkwardly silent then you be the one to end it with ‘nice catching up talk to you later.’
Someone’s apology and accountability should equal their actions of pain they caused. Sorry. You can’t cause all this pain with your lack of self reflection and then show up like nothing has happened. You are uninspiring and I really don’t have anything to say. Besides you are not going to listen anyway. So leave me alone. I’m fine
Depression doesn’t give me energy. I understand everything you say. Already have sent messages. But tried not to make them any way of begging or trying to get back together. Just sharing what I have found she has and that her back Feild was on fire. Damit this is horrible
Not giving up on them, just giving them the space to come to their own realizations that lead to wanting to change. If they don’t come to that, there is nothing we can do. I offered to stay if he would do the work and he said no he couldn’t it was too late for him. I didn’t give up but he told me no and I have to respect that.
The last thing I say was, i have to learn that if someone isn t interested in you now i don t think he doesn t do it in the future. And now I have to focus on myself and don t send any messages anymore
What if immediately after breaking up with you because they need space and they’re not ready for a relationship they still text you good morning every morning and text you throughout the day? You don’t text first, but they keep texting you and so you respond. What the hell is that!?
Give them all the space they wanted. Answering them back is a message that you in essence are still chasing them. Use the no contact to detatch. They will breadcrumb you to make sure you're still an option if they decide to want you back. That's selfish. Stay strong and block them in the mean time until you feel strong enough to see if you really want them back.
I really dont understand this concept. If she is fearing abandonment why does she leave then? She abandons herself but fears abandonment? That makes no sense to me...
Dismissive avoidants don't prioritize relationships even if they really like the person. Its about how they feel about themselves first. Once they begin to feel vulnerable, thats when they shut down...goes MIA, doesnt return text or calls. why do they feel vulnerable? insecurities - low self esteem, unworthy of love etc despite their partners reassuring them. Sometimes DA initiate the break ups by going MIA. Or sometimes because of their antics, their partners have no choice to but to end the relationship because of the negative experiences.
@@usersss100 but be able to show vulnerability is whats a relationship is all about. Everybody is vulnerable and only in a trusted relationship you are able to share it. What do they fear really? Seeing themselves or being put in a state where they might get hurt? I am so confused cause she is obviously missing me very bad. She is an famous artist and even draws paintings about me and is selling them all over the world. Everybody who knows her and sees it knows. Almost every Insta post is screaming after me, but still she does not reach out. I must have hit a real special one of those...
Is a relationship reset same as needing space ? That’s what my DA suggested . After I Caught him lying to me about seeing other women again . He believe being upfront and honest cause more harm . 😢those were his exact words. I can tell when he distance . I will ask is everything ok he would say yes and be lying we even talked about his lies and he said moving forward he will be honest . and look where we are I snapped because he was dismissing my needs and caught him lying again . Ughhh 😢 he said he didn’t like my behavior. Sir I just caught you lying again !!!
Relationships ultimately are about the relationship you are having with yourself. What ways are you lying to yourself about this “relationship”? Have you written down all of the things you are looking for in a man? If so, does this man check off most of what’s on your list? I bet he doesn’t. Why would you put yourself through the pain of being with a man who doesn’t want to be with you? This relationship is one sided. He is taking you for granted. Stop interrogating him and detach! Stop calling him and only speak to him if he reached out first. Going no contact is not only for him but also for your own good. None of what you wrote here is healthy. How does this relationship value you as a woman? You are devaluing yourself by continuing to be available to him. Go no contact. Only respond to him when he calls. Never call him. Never suggest you both do something. Never go see him. He must make all the plans and take all of the initiative. Then see where it goes from there. If he still isn’t doing anything, it’s time to block him and move on
@@Darkempress45 sadly I know the secure me would’ve been walked away! He’s made me anxious…thank for the pep talk to move on an go no contact I need to work on myself during this time . My confidence is shot z.
@@teegal9488 he can’t make you feel anything that wasn’t already there. This is why relationships can be hard but yet eye opening. They hold a mirror to your face to show you who you really are. Do you quit on yourself when the going gets tough when dealing with oppressive, disrespectful and inattentive men? Do you wonder what you did wrong when your man is being distant? Why accept his lies? Why accept his distancing himself from you for no apparent reason? You have to go within to find the answers. This is why going no contact is a must! Once you get quiet and get all the dopamine and oxytocin out of your system (the hormones that cause women to attach to men), you will be able to see clearly where you went wrong and how this relationship isn’t good for you at all. Ever wonder why when you distance yourself from a man and don’t talk to him for a while and then when he comes back months and years later, and you no longer want him? It’s because the oxytocin high is gone! Hormones is what attach women to men so strongly. Some like to call it energy ties, but it’s due to the hormones secreted when we like someone and have sex with them. Sex makes women secrete TONS of oxytocin, this is the hormone that we release when we have a baby and when we breastfeed so imagine how strong that is! This is why it’s important to not have sex before you really know who you’re dealing with. It’s for your own protection! Go no contact so you can ween yourself from off of him. Practice self love, self worth and self respect. Learn the lesson so you don’t have to repeat it. Relationships are the main reasons why people stay in “spiritual special ed”, because we refuse to examine our behavior and change. And lastly, be gentle with yourself and love yourself through this process. After all, YOU ARE ALL YOU GOT! Stay blessed ❤️✨💫
I am asking myself how long does it take to hit that rock bottom for an avoidant. Will they ever rich out, try to restart the relationship? Life goes on. It is nice to focus on selfimprovement. But while doing so how long should one stay away from looking for another partner? Especially women cannot wait endlessly, their clock is ticking.... From my point of view this is the big question - how long should one put their family plans on hold to get the avoidant back.
You should never try to get an avoidant back. They should be trying to get you back. If they're not, that is your green light to move on and find someone else, if you so wish.
RED HOT WHITE BURNING HOMICIDAL RAGE the past rapes me I WANT TO DIE DESPERATELY I'M IN HELL NO ESCAPE on every level in every way, for all 45 years of my life, so far, I am traumatized and raped. I'm in hell. no escape. submerged in darkness. I cry out to Jesus, constantly repetitively perpetually endlessly. no response. I'm in hell. I keep begging to die.
Hey Ryan, although I initially liked your content, I’m a little concerned and confused by the fact that you seem to be singling out avoidants? I don’t see any accountability about the anxious attached (I am anxious btw), and I don’t see any navigation or helpful videos to guide avoidants to a better path to enlightenment. Your channel seems to be filled with the rhetoric to pull anxious attached people in with negative undertones regarding avoidants. Both sides have issues, but both sides are humans- can we start seeing more leveled content from you?
you sactually sound avoidant to me, lol, but Coach Ryan is validating my experience w the da in a way nobody else did, thsts a first step, and giving me reality chx rhat its not my fault to get me unstuck, and helping me to allow myself the grieving process... as far as the work i need to do to become more secure and less anxious ? boundaries, no contact is in fact my boundary, and its frikkin hard! i had to leave my entire supprt network to be no contact, and i am sitting thru anxious when i am triggered...
RED HOT WHITE BURNING HOMICIDAL RAGE the past rapes me I WANT TO DIE DESPERATELY I'M IN HELL NO ESCAPE on every level in every way, for all 45 years of my life, so far, I am traumatized and raped. I'm in hell. no escape. submerged in darkness. I cry out to Jesus, constantly repetitively perpetually endlessly. no response. I'm in hell. I keep begging to die.
I’m just cold now. The opposite of love is indifference, and I guess that’s what we are towards each other now.
I listen to this periodically when I feel my weakest. Thank you!
I don’t care about them to come back actually I just want an answer to end that fight in my mind with them.
This!!
No answer is your answer
@@dr1flushTrue
Same… I want it out of my body cause it’s making me sick.
They don't even know. She told me she is breaking up with me before I do.
Well my ex got her independence, she can choke on it. 3 years of building a future together went down the drain. it is my belief that hyperindependence leads to being alone even when you are married to someone or are surrounded by people. if you never let someone in then you are alone in your house of horror of your subconscious mind. i never understood why my ex kept saying that she hated herself, I do now.
Mine who's Ladies killer ,but he hates to whach his own Vedio, Now I understand too
Poor Avoidant ， they are full of contradictions and low self-esteem. May God have mercy on and heal them. Of course, the premise is that they are Willing to accept healing.
@@暗香晚风 if they don't care about their own healing i won't do it for them
….yep, my feelings exactly. I just ended a short relationship with one of these people the very first time she shut down to me emotionally. And that after 3 nearly perfect months together and for no apparent reason. Day 3 little or no change, day 4 I kicked her sorry arse to the curb. I’ve seen and experienced this kind of bad behaviour before and I don’t give a crap about so called childhood traumas, not when they have never faced up to themselves and ‘done the work’.
I have zero tolerance for these people, avoid the avoidant at all costs. I’m here figuring out how the hell I attracted one of these ones into my life again.
@@cspace1234nz I totally agree, zero tolerance policy. These folks are all around us, you may not have necessarily attracted one, only started talking with one and found out in short time that it was an avoidant. I ended a new friendahip with an FA recently, all was going beautifully and 6 weeks in she suddenly became cold and distant because of fears (she even admitted to it). i ended it, life is too short.
U explain this dynamic so well... I'm finally letting go of someone. I feel sad at what I was accepting for myself 😢
“There are no words that can make this person come back…they are DE ACTIVATED!” thank you Coach
Mine's too after 32 years 😔❤️🩹
These videos are super helpful. Its been a month or so since my avoidant left, she told me shes scared of relationships after pretty much acting like we were in one for almost a year, and now I have completely gone no contact with her. She sees me where I work and messages me after every time I see her but I dont respond because she never says anything valuable. She recently tried sending me a picture of a cat to start a conversation but I did not continue the conversation. My thing is if you arent able to express your feelings or anything or say sorry or be willing to fix things then talking to me is just because you are bored not because you hate missing me.
Good for you! Continue choosing yourself. ❤️🩹
1 year today.....thank you Coach Ryan you have helped soothe me. I and moving on. Happy New Year to me 😊
Or! Going no contact confirms their fears that you will abandon them. So, they'll believe they made the right choice and never return. I never went no contact with my avoidant. Took a lot on my part to not give up. It made him realize he may have been wrong in his decision to separate. Fast forward: We're now married and his fears are gone. Great partner now.
what if they block you? during the running Phase?
Can't handle a relationship, fears intimacy need space n all that shit ...my question is downright clear...Why the fk r u in a dating app..all those signup shit for what . entertainment??
He's probably highly narcissistic. Also, dating apps equate dating to hooking up.
Coach Ryan is amomg the few coaches on RUclips who refuse to romanticize the avoidant abuse. Let them go .
Well said. I'm the nicest caring person but these are emotionally damaged people from childhood.
Lol don’t do it!! Thanks for the reminder 😂 I was missing him badly today, then Coach Ryan shows up on my RUclips feed 😂😂😂
I'm now 3 weeks NC. He's a lonely guy drinks too much ,and yes he clearly has issues.
He's 55,get a life. His loss. Pain is getting better,but still feel like an idiot I didn't see this coming after 2.5 years.
Thanks Coach Ryan
Don’t dwell in the past. The good thing is you recognize it now and you are doing something about it. Stay strong and love and be gentle with yourself ❤
I’m experiencing this right now and I appreciate your videos and knowledge. I’m so confused and hurt, and I have failed yet again today when I received his recent “check in”. Ive never, ever experienced avoidance in my life, and the “no contact “ concept is beyond difficult. I love and care for him, and I would love to “fix him”, but not at the expense destroying me. So cruel.
After months of trying to get something out of my ex and getting nowhere. Even if she replied, "Fuck off!", it would've been something, but all I got was ignored. Which hurts more than ever. I've been in total no contact though, since June. I am so much better now and what feelings I had for her have all but vanished. I wish I'd done it sooner 😃👍🏻
Very good! Keep up the good work and continue to work on self development!
For more than tens times, just on time, really felt the urge to text. Thanks a million for showing up always, for support & reminding us of our worth. Really grateful for your existence.
10 "Survival Lies" You May Tell If You Have CPTSD:
1. fawn response
2. you start lying from very young to become socially included
3. story of yourself that is not actually true (you crafted it to adapt to environment)
4. lying to avoid loss
5. lying to secure resources/safety
6. lying due to shame
7. you find yourself in scenarios (due to past traumas) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies
8. you lie after experiencing an emotional flashback
9. you lie because you don't want to have to caretake the other person's feelings
10. you lie because it feels nice to pretend to be (and therefore to feel)
somewhat normal, sometimes
* 4 things people with severe trauma do, without thinking:
1. Obsessing/ruminating
2, Assuming our feelings are wrong
3, Attaching to others in unhealthy ways
4. Viewing ourselves as others see us (without them knowing our back-story!)
* YES, You Can Heal Childhood PTSD -- These Actions HELP:
1. Learn to emotionally regulate
2. Save your social/romantic energy ONLY for people who are available and who reciprocate
3. Get really good at ending relationships that aren't healthy/reciprocal
4. Choose friends who are working on themselves and are doing things you admire
5. Find activities/hobbies that bring you HEALTHY growth/evolution
6. ALWAYS ASK: How do I feel after I hang out with this person? Inspired/energized?
Or drained and bad about myself?
Thank you so much for posting this
Way too complicated people. Explained very well. Alleviates suffering of particularly anxious attachment style people
Mine discarded me three weeks ago and then ends up sending me a message asking if I had a fake profile. I was a bit puzzled as I left them alone.
I just replied “no” and then they ended up messaging me with just a one word reply “weird”. I e not bothered to reach out. There’s been no apology of him pulling away. I had written a long message before he discarded me about how I felt as I was confused about them as they were hot and cold.
I guess they were just breadcrumbing to see if I will take the bait again. I don’t think so. Not anymore. Twice with this person was more than enough.
I’m working on myself instead.
I miss and love him! I wish he would come back 😢. He had breadcrumbs me a week ago but I did not respond. Now I feel he will never breadcrumbs me again. 😢
Do you want to be breadcrumb? He'll now try harder if he really cares xx
@@priestess7896 yes I am trying to believe so. If I meant anything at all to him he will reach out again.
@@comfortzone5618soooo you’re ok with receiving the barebones minimum from some guy? Do you even value or love yourself? Why would you accept this treatment from anyone? Get that man off of that pedestal!
The thing is, avoidants don't have anyone, and when you do no contact, it just further damages them. Doing this has not helped anyone. It just enforces their betrayal trauma and lack of people they can trust.
My avoidant wife DID have somebody. She had me. I was kind to her, supported her in everything, loved her, the lot. She decided to discard me and act like I never happened because she felt she 'wasn't sure she loved me anymore'. I tried to be there for her after the breakup, communicated with her, tried to show I was still a good partner for her. But she just treated me like an acquaintance. So, I decided to give her the breakup she clearly wanted and went no contact.
Oh, they'll find someone else. Don't worry about that.
That is not true (Personal opinion here).
I have seen avoidants having PLENTY OF FRIENDS around them.
Always on social media, always on gaming platforms, always on dating sites.
I tend to believe that they create the illusion that they have people around them, so there is no fear of abandonment (and they have unlimited validation).
Truth is, they have few to no people with whom they can share true intimacy because they fear that very thing. So, they satisfy themselves with surface level connections and convince themselves that they are all good without you (because they subconsciously think you are replaceable).
So what is the alternative? Constantly call and chase, the VERY thing that avoidants loathe? If they aren’t giving anything to the person they are with, the only logical thing to do is to take several steps back and cut off everything. Forcing yourself on an avoidant is like trying to force a square peg into a round hole; it won’t fit no matter how much you try to force it. If the avoidant wants to be in a relationship, they’d act like it 🤷🏾♀️
There's literally nothing you can do when you've done everything you can and were always there for them and they still throw you out like trash. Not your problem anymore.
Another informative video. Thanks Coach Ryan!😊
Poor Avoidant ， they are full of contradictions and low self-esteem. May God have mercy on and heal them. Of course, the premise is that they are Willing to accept healing.
@@暗香晚风 I don't feel sorry for avoidants because they don't care about the hurt and damage they cause to people's self-esteem.
@@dclarke1896 There is no need to say sorry to Avoidant:
because I was cruelly and painfully taken on a "roller coaster" by him for a whole year. I doted on him too much ..... so even though I slapped him twice hard 3 months ago I won't apologize for this, on the contrary, I finally feel relieved! He really needs a major repair and change, otherwise, there is no chance of going back!
3 months NC with my VERY avoidant ex....i cry every day i AM scared ....
It is scary. Take deep breathes. It's worth it and it works.
@@magdalena.8494 almost 2 months in we had a date night went well but she is hot and cold.
I’ve already broken this rule so many times I just hope it’s not too late
Me too
Try living with them 😢 it's been a year, I got a job, and hopefully, (I didn't have a job during the summer because my son is autistic and can't be left alone) I will have my own place by September, October at the latest.
love u man, u speak direct to the heart!!! Wish u the best. Greetings from Greece
I'm so glad I've been watching your videos and a few others. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum in the anxious category and so naturally I move toward the to dismissive avoidant. It's always so painful. I think would helps me not take it personally though is as much as I am debilitated with anxiety, I would think the other person would be debilitated with their point of view and reality. This helps me understand what they may be going through although it is the opposite if that makes any sense. And other forwards, their pain is as great as mine in their own mind.
You are so right. Thank you for the reminder , explaining it all and your support.
Your videos are massively helpful and validating! Thank you! Any advice for regret over breaking no contact when they've reached out to say they miss me and I said I miss them too? I'm thinking just show myself compassion for my feelings and reset the no contact in my mind. It doesn't matter if they've now taken on a mindset that I'm available to them, just move on and don't worry about "setting the record straight" with them.....?
What if you don't want to get back with them? But you spent two years of intimacy and loving energy - and they need to hear some things? And wake up to their horrible treatment of others ( she's definitely narcissistic as well). I don't care if she hates me upon reading it - but, over time, she'll know it's the truth - and it's time for her to stop running from HERSELF. She's 54 and in a tailspin since we broke up, but doesn't know why ( she sent me an email describing things). She's a toxic nightmare and the universe is trying to wake her up - but she is WAY too emotionally immature and shallow to figure out --that SHE'S the cause - for all her effects.
@@Cre8Fire34 🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️
Thanks coach 💯
There's no fear 😮 he just doesn't gaf.
I did it knowing it would push him away to make sure he wouldn’t come back. Cause I knew.
I kind of did it as well but I said something opposite in my texts. That he's a lier, manipulator, horrible, ugly, that I despise him etc. and never ever want him back (it was 3 years on and offs, that includes 11 months of situationship and 3 months of relationship). But at the end I added that I did it to make sure he won't come back again.
I'm actually wondering what it will bring me. No coach says about devaluation. No contact in the videos is always about not telling them how important they are. What if we do opposite?
What if they reached out asking how your weeks going 2-3 times in the first few weeks after breakup? I replied but it was just small talk and now NC for 3 weeks. I haven't reached out first since
Thank you.
I have not heard nothing for 6 months and don't intend to good luck on that monkey branching to the next guy.
He has got loads of shit coming his way.
I'm gone
Hey Coach your spot on as usual got My partner spot on it's such a paradox situation she told me she needs to feel safe so I gave her all the emotional support and assurance we went away for a great couple of days she had a thing about the pillars in the relationship she said they was all in place and happy next day she went quiet then bang the dreaded text its over after apologising for her absence for a few days her passing quote keep your chin up 😂😂 gone NC her loss not mine don't chase ever this is a cycle I've been on for 7 years work on yourself rather than worrying about a person you gave 100% and only ever got 20% back what does that say about your self worth
But he messages me saying that he is in a bad place right now and to please pick up his call, his avoidance is getting on to him now and only I can get him calm now.
I did break the no contact after ignoring him for 2 months.
But I did tell him that he is being selfish and I am not his therapist.
I'm pretty sure I at the very least have severe avoidant tendencies. We broke contact and neither of us contacted eachother. I can confirm it did give me enough perspective after reading a lot about relationships. It really was the best approach to it.
My ex broke my no contact after 2 weeks and now I feel so confused. 😢
I just want my money he owes me 😂lbvvvs. Back in June I was devastated but thanks to your videos I now understand him for who he really is and not who I thought he was or who he pretended to be ❤️ 3 months later I’m in such a better place. 😊too many people in this world for me to be crying over his sorry a$$. ❤
A great video;;
Keep it up man..
You are doing a great job..
May God Almighty shower his blessings upon you n your family abundantly!
Thanks for breaking it down
Thank you 🙏
I have no attachment issues at all and had really good and healthy relationships. I told these 5 sentences to many girls because they were just not my type and I was just not really attracted to them after several dates.
Is it wrong that I feel like I'm violating myself worth if I say hello back when they say hello? They know what they did was destroy me so I mean who stabs someone and then says a casual hello? It's like Brutus get this knife out of my back
@@MD-gk2un as long as you understand that it leads nowhere and you are only enabling them and potentially setting yourself up for more pain.
Don’t respond. They’re breadcrumbing you. (Typical unhealed DA/FA). They don’t want you back because of the potential connection..(ooo horrifying). They just want to see if you’re still around thinking about them. Quick dopamine fix for them.
Dont respond. You will only feel worse.
I would say if you do respond keep the conversation casual,polite and brief. And only talk about what happened between you guys only if they bring it up first. And if the conversation gets awkwardly silent then you be the one to end it with ‘nice catching up talk to you later.’
Someone’s apology and accountability should equal their actions of pain they caused. Sorry. You can’t cause all this pain with your lack of self reflection and then show up like nothing has happened. You are uninspiring and I really don’t have anything to say. Besides you are not going to listen anyway. So leave me alone. I’m fine
Depression doesn’t give me energy. I understand everything you say.
Already have sent messages. But tried not to make them any way of begging or trying to get back together.
Just sharing what I have found she has and that her back Feild was on fire.
Damit this is horrible
So they never accept love ? And everyone gives up on them ?
Not giving up on them, just giving them the space to come to their own realizations that lead to wanting to change. If they don’t come to that, there is nothing we can do. I offered to stay if he would do the work and he said no he couldn’t it was too late for him. I didn’t give up but he told me no and I have to respect that.
How long are they in the fear / trigger state? Is there any time you can tell them how you feel
I need this thank you
The last thing I say was, i have to learn that if someone isn t interested in you now i don t think he doesn t do it in the future. And now I have to focus on myself and don t send any messages anymore
Hey coach Ryan. Could you turn up the volume. Its so quiet and difficult to hear.
What if immediately after breaking up with you because they need space and they’re not ready for a relationship they still text you good morning every morning and text you throughout the day? You don’t text first, but they keep texting you and so you respond. What the hell is that!?
Give them all the space they wanted. Answering them back is a message that you in essence are still chasing them. Use the no contact to detatch. They will breadcrumb you to make sure you're still an option if they decide to want you back. That's selfish. Stay strong and block them in the mean time until you feel strong enough to see if you really want them back.
I really dont understand this concept. If she is fearing abandonment why does she leave then? She abandons herself but fears abandonment? That makes no sense to me...
Dismissive avoidants don't prioritize relationships even if they really like the person. Its about how they feel about themselves first. Once they begin to feel vulnerable, thats when they shut down...goes MIA, doesnt return text or calls. why do they feel vulnerable? insecurities - low self esteem, unworthy of love etc despite their partners reassuring them.
Sometimes DA initiate the break ups by going MIA. Or sometimes because of their antics, their partners have no choice to but to end the relationship because of the negative experiences.
@@usersss100 but be able to show vulnerability is whats a relationship is all about. Everybody is vulnerable and only in a trusted relationship you are able to share it. What do they fear really? Seeing themselves or being put in a state where they might get hurt? I am so confused cause she is obviously missing me very bad. She is an famous artist and even draws paintings about me and is selling them all over the world. Everybody who knows her and sees it knows. Almost every Insta post is screaming after me, but still she does not reach out. I must have hit a real special one of those...
D-oh! Too late 😂 Already did every single one of those things before I realized he is avoidant
Thank you
Is a relationship reset same as needing space ? That’s what my DA suggested . After I Caught him lying to me about seeing other women again . He believe being upfront and honest cause more harm . 😢those were his exact words. I can tell when he distance . I will ask is everything ok he would say yes and be lying we even talked about his lies and he said moving forward he will be honest . and look where we are I snapped because he was dismissing my needs and caught him lying again . Ughhh 😢 he said he didn’t like my behavior. Sir I just caught you lying again !!!
Relationships ultimately are about the relationship you are having with yourself. What ways are you lying to yourself about this “relationship”? Have you written down all of the things you are looking for in a man? If so, does this man check off most of what’s on your list? I bet he doesn’t. Why would you put yourself through the pain of being with a man who doesn’t want to be with you? This relationship is one sided. He is taking you for granted. Stop interrogating him and detach! Stop calling him and only speak to him if he reached out first. Going no contact is not only for him but also for your own good. None of what you wrote here is healthy. How does this relationship value you as a woman? You are devaluing yourself by continuing to be available to him. Go no contact. Only respond to him when he calls. Never call him. Never suggest you both do something. Never go see him. He must make all the plans and take all of the initiative. Then see where it goes from there. If he still isn’t doing anything, it’s time to block him and move on
@@Darkempress45 sadly I know the secure me would’ve been walked away! He’s made me anxious…thank for the pep talk to move on an go no contact I need to work on myself during this time . My confidence is shot z.
@@teegal9488 he can’t make you feel anything that wasn’t already there. This is why relationships can be hard but yet eye opening. They hold a mirror to your face to show you who you really are. Do you quit on yourself when the going gets tough when dealing with oppressive, disrespectful and inattentive men? Do you wonder what you did wrong when your man is being distant? Why accept his lies? Why accept his distancing himself from you for no apparent reason? You have to go within to find the answers. This is why going no contact is a must! Once you get quiet and get all the dopamine and oxytocin out of your system (the hormones that cause women to attach to men), you will be able to see clearly where you went wrong and how this relationship isn’t good for you at all. Ever wonder why when you distance yourself from a man and don’t talk to him for a while and then when he comes back months and years later, and you no longer want him? It’s because the oxytocin high is gone! Hormones is what attach women to men so strongly. Some like to call it energy ties, but it’s due to the hormones secreted when we like someone and have sex with them. Sex makes women secrete TONS of oxytocin, this is the hormone that we release when we have a baby and when we breastfeed so imagine how strong that is! This is why it’s important to not have sex before you really know who you’re dealing with. It’s for your own protection! Go no contact so you can ween yourself from off of him. Practice self love, self worth and self respect. Learn the lesson so you don’t have to repeat it. Relationships are the main reasons why people stay in “spiritual special ed”, because we refuse to examine our behavior and change. And lastly, be gentle with yourself and love yourself through this process. After all, YOU ARE ALL YOU GOT! Stay blessed ❤️✨💫
I reached out long enough to say goodbye & why.
I am asking myself how long does it take to hit that rock bottom for an avoidant. Will they ever rich out, try to restart the relationship?
Life goes on. It is nice to focus on selfimprovement. But while doing so how long should one stay away from looking for another partner?
Especially women cannot wait endlessly, their clock is ticking....
From my point of view this is the big question - how long should one put their family plans on hold to get the avoidant back.
You should never try to get an avoidant back. They should be trying to get you back. If they're not, that is your green light to move on and find someone else, if you so wish.
RED HOT WHITE
BURNING HOMICIDAL RAGE
the past rapes me
I WANT TO DIE
DESPERATELY
I'M IN HELL
NO ESCAPE
on every level in every way,
for all 45 years of my life, so far,
I am traumatized and raped.
I'm in hell.
no escape.
submerged in darkness.
I cry out to Jesus, constantly repetitively
perpetually endlessly. no response.
I'm in hell.
I keep begging to die.
After 39 years i dont she will come back
I WANT TO DIE
DESPERATELY
I'M IN HELL
NO ESCAPE
You Will be okay ❤.you are not Alone you deserve better. And you Will meet someone that really deserves you ❤
repent and confess Christ as your savior. start by submitting
Hey Ryan, although I initially liked your content, I’m a little concerned and confused by the fact that you seem to be singling out avoidants? I don’t see any accountability about the anxious attached (I am anxious btw), and I don’t see any navigation or helpful videos to guide avoidants to a better path to enlightenment. Your channel seems to be filled with the rhetoric to pull anxious attached people in with negative undertones regarding avoidants. Both sides have issues, but both sides are humans- can we start seeing more leveled content from you?
you sactually sound avoidant to me, lol, but Coach Ryan is validating my experience w the da in a way nobody else did, thsts a first step, and giving me reality chx rhat its not my fault to get me unstuck, and helping me to allow myself the grieving process... as far as the work i need to do to become more secure and less anxious ? boundaries, no contact is in fact my boundary, and its frikkin hard! i had to leave my entire supprt network to be no contact, and i am sitting thru anxious when i am triggered...
listen at 4 mins
listen at 530
listen at 3 mins
530
🙏, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️🩹❤️❤️
RED HOT WHITE
BURNING HOMICIDAL RAGE
the past rapes me
I WANT TO DIE
DESPERATELY
I'M IN HELL
NO ESCAPE
on every level in every way,
for all 45 years of my life, so far,
I am traumatized and raped.
I'm in hell.
no escape.
submerged in darkness.
I cry out to Jesus, constantly repetitively
perpetually endlessly. no response.
I'm in hell.
I keep begging to die.