6 Ways To Fight Off Narcissistic Fatigue
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- The longer you are exposed to the narcissist's overbearing ways of life, the more weary you become. Dr. Les Carter refers to this as narcissistic fatigue, and he explains what it is about your relationship with a narcissist that leaves you feeling emotionally depleted. The good new is that you can overcome narcissistic fatigue by reclaiming your resolve to live into your better priorities.
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The ironic thing about narcissists is that they are insensitive to other’s feelings but are ultra sensitive to their own feelings. Only their feelings matter, yours are unimportant to them.
No resolution for anything, ever. It took me decades to figure out that finding resolution is not their goal! It’s setting you up to lose. Every. Single. Time.
They do not approach to find a diplomatic solution, they approach with an ultimatum that is clear in their scrawny mind but not in their words, and you are to satisfy the expectations, or else. The wolf and the lamb parabel.
Debby, it also took me a long time to figure out, that the chaos and confusion in my household were mostly created with intent by the all so demanding narc. They do not seek honesty and solution like normal people, but want to steal your time.
So true. I'm trying to leave my narc now!
I always learn something new from the comments on Dr C’s videos! You just clarified something I couldn’t put my finger on, that’s been going on for decades. It’s true, I guess; he doesn’t want to resolve and heal anything. That’s the only explanation for what’s been going on for decades, that really explains it all. I never thought of it as a deliberate thing on his part, but that makes more sense. Subconscious, probably, but deliberate, all the same.
Wow..so well pointed out and on point. Debby well done and thank you... It's really sad. LA
I’m so sick of my life the way it is. Married to a narcissist for 20 years. They have no insight, no self-awareness, no interest in improvement. I have to get out.
Godspeed!
Yes do it! I’ve been married 32 years and he’s still the same ...I’m doing the same now that I’ve built my confidence and forgiven him I have no attachment thank you Dr. Carter!!💕
Get out before they end up killing your spirit your mind and your soul
Get out while you still can.💖
Im always looking for hope but there isn't much left when you see so many people say 10, 20, 30, 40 years and they never change..
For me its the guilt of hurting our children, that keeps me from breaking free..
Right. Such energy vampires. Then have the nerve to chastise you for being tired.
Joyful is a single word that describe the sensation one feels when away from narc negativity!
My brother and mother would berate me, smirk to each other then say “carol never smiles-cheer up”
True! 100%.
LOL so true!
Right
They can take all your energy in literally less than one hour
You have saved me...i walked out. I literally got up and simply walked out. Literally. I grabbed my fur babies and we left together. Now I have nothing and everything. Everything== PEACE. that is all I need. I did not know with peace comes the ability to grow. And I will. It took seven yrs to get here, and it will take time to get back. BUT I'm on the way regardless. THANK YOU. FOR. SOME REASON, U KLICKED MY BRAIN. THANK YOU
Good--glad you took your pets.
Yay! Today is a great day for you. Even if it doesn't feel that way. You will heal, you will. How are you? Do you have a place? Would love to hear from you when you are able to check in. You are a Badass Warrior Goddess!!! YOU GOT THIS!🙋🙋💖💝🏆💃💃💃💃💖💪
Remember, you are resilient and tough. You got this. You will have days you'll want to stay curled up under the covers. Don't do it. Make yourself get up. Force your mind to you and your needs right now. Your mind may wander into head flips and regret. Get your mind on you and your needs right now. You wil have the time for self reflection, grieving an illusion which is hard, and updating your map later. You have two goals to focus on at all times, plus your self care, and the pups
1.) Check where your mind is constantly. Do not allow yourself to think about anything in the past,l including yesterday, and force your mind back into you and doing what you need for you right now to become sheltered, have a safe space new bank account, change your address, to a safe at home option if you need to keep your address hidden. Focus on you and what is right in front of you right now. Make your mind obey you.
2. No contact now or ever if possible. This is the stage we go back. Don't believe it, Its just the promise of more wasted life and you getting older and incurring further damage mentally. I guarantee no fix is ever possible. Never. Just destruction to you...as you get older and miss opportunities to meet a good man.
3. Take care of you everyday. Control your mind to stay on you and your needs. That's your prime directive. If you keep training yourself to do this you will eventually master the discipline. You must get safe, settled, have a place to function from and get yourself organized, grocery shop, whatever financial and banking snd mail address you need. Then there's your job. Just get survival set up for whatever is practical for you, a month , a week.
The way you worded your comment struck me as an unplanned escape. I did that.
4) I didn't have this refocussing tool to use. I use this often and was able to get on top of grief that has no end. It works. I wasted too much time healing. They are defective humans. They do not have a personality, they have a role, many of these. The act we fall in love with is an illusion.. This doesn't make your relationship easier to get over. He was real to you and your mind. Make yourself focus, stand outside of yourself and observe yourself as you move though your day. When you are ready, after securing your safe space, take the time to mourn and release all that sorrow. Just remember not to stay very long but don't stuff it either. Time. will blunt the sharp edges. Love and hugs to you. I'm cheering you on and sending healing strength your way. Congratulations! That was a very brave thing to do. ♥️🙋💃🏆🏆🏆🥰🎉🎊🤎💜💜💚💛💘💙
Tamara Mcgill, you deserve better
Good luck with that. After a walk in a country lane yesterday, and with him starting a fight over a photo of a view from a hill, I walked out too. Left without him and haven't spoken to him since. Just Leave. The silence annoys them. They expect you to always be there... haha. Have a nice day.
Good for you ! Yes its gets wayy better . Stay strong and resist the desire to go back .
Trying to apply normalcy to an abnormal set of circumstances causes fatigue.
1. Remove the narcissist from your emotional epicenter.
Do not filter your life through the narcissist.
Develop incredibly low expectations of the narcissist; expect nothing more from narcissists than what they are.
2. Practice detached firmness.
“You have no veto power over me.”
“I don’t mean to be rude but, I don’t care if you disagree.”
Unhook from that.
Decide to be decisive.
Make your own plans, opinions, decisions, and be firm in that in a detached way.
3. Follow through on your plans, opinions, and decisions.
Make no defense of yourself.
Don’t change your mind when the narcissist gets mad.
Explain why only once.
4. Determine in advance what you will do when the guilt trips are put on you.
When the narcissist says, “You’re being rude” or “You’re being mean” or “You’re being harsh” or “Nobody likes you,” just reply with, “OK. Think what you will. I’m going to remain firm and decisive. I do not accept the guilt you are trying to put on me.”
5. Be assertive.
You don’t have to change the other person’s mind.
Stand up for yourself. If the other person doesn’t like it, oh well.
6. Set stipulations and consequences when necessary.
If the narcissist is harsh, argumentative, or sabotaging, move your efforts to where they will be more appreciated.
Instead of false hope, have a sense of resolve.
Resolve that you will not lay down your emotional well-being in favor of someone else who does not have your best interest in their mind or heart.
This is truth!!!! Thank you for sharing. I need this on a poster I can look at everyday!!!
Yes!!!!
Poster please!!!!
Perfectly stated!!!
Easier said than done but it needs to be done. From my experience, if my verbal response was too lengthy, they would immediately stop paying attention to whatever I was trying to say and proceed to abuse me. If I ever cross paths with one again in the future, it's best to just give short to the point answers, then turn around and walk away for good.
Thanks for the advice.
very much so
@@kaymackay1161 I am collecting a secret diary of narc quotes, some of them give me a laugh.
I feel drained everyday by this person!
“Part of your fatigue comes from the fact that you want to apply normalcy to an abnormal set of circumstances” - this sentence is so enlightening - thank you so much for this video, it came at the perfect time when I’ve been running on empty and having breakdowns every few days from dealing with a highly toxic and narcissistic employer.
same! they are the worst bosses.
Yes that is the important part of the video to realize. I was also very worn out before I understood how narcissist think and act. I tried to help them understand the pain they were causing me and how much distress it was causing me but they actually enjoyed causing that pain to me so I was just helping them by validating that what they were doing was working on me. It so evil to even begin to comprehend to a normal persons mind. I would drive my self insane trying to understand how they could be so heartless and evil. But then I started reading books and watching lots of youtube videos on the topic and it helped me learn to stop trying to understand it cause I never will fully. I just have to forgive them and move on. Only worry about taking care of myself and focusing on what's important to me. I still live with them but I have so much more energy now and I at least understand the situation much better now then I did before.
💯
There is a book that you should get is called running on empty it will help you so much
Take heed people. I wish I could have known what was happening to me beginning 40 yrs ago. Run away fast and far.
I am 4 weeks free of narc ex husband of 15 years and literally I have been sleeping 10-12 hours straight through the night, dozing for an hour after work on the couch and sleeping for 2-4 hours on the weekend during the day. I am finally starting to feel normal and not drained and exhausted. I didn’t realize how fatigued I was until he left. The insomnia and anxiety living with him took a toll on me and didn’t realize how much till the last month. These videos have been so much help to my healing which feels like it is going to be a long haul.
Abuse victims usually also have back problems. You can expect these to get better as well.
That's an interesting point. My narc travelled overseas for two weeks, during which I stayed at a friend's house and I slept a lot while there.
Same.. I had chronic mouth ulcers due to my lack of sleep (ulcers the size of a small coin).. I broke up with my ex a month ago and since Im sleeping alone again my ulcers have nearly disappeared..I feel like a new person again :) lack of sleep can really mess with your body and levels of stress
@@AgendaInMind I had so many body aches at the end and now my body doesn’t ache everyday.
@@davidhinkson8856 at first I thought just mental strain of the separation but then I realized I wasn’t tense anymore and finally could relax in my own life now without him around. I feel at peace for the first time in so many years.
The physical aspect is like trying to recover from a super bad case of the flu. The exhaustion is bad
I am just now starting to be able to see fine print again. Good thing I didn't invest in yet another prescription pair of glasses again too soon maybe. Rob you blind is way too pertinent to my story when not getting how to recognize their number soon enough too.
So very true
You even feel like you have the flu when the talk or phone call is done. Yep, I get it.
Yeah exactly...
One of the best holidays I ever had (especially at that time) was the year that I finally said 'no. no, I will not spend hundreds of dollars I cannot afford to travel thousands of kilometres to spend the holidays with my (abusive) family.' (including staying with my narc mother and enabling father while there). Even after they offered to pay my airfare, I still said 'no, not going to be there'. Even after they tried to emotionally blackmail me 'you'll ruin the holidays!' I still said 'no'. Even after they threatened to never speak to me again (unfortunately another unkept promise). I still said 'no'.
I spent that holiday at home, eating heated up frozen pizza and ready-made salad and watching movies on my computer while snuggling with my cat. It was peaceful, and quiet. No one was snarking at me, or criticizing me, or putting me down. No one was picking fights or yelling, name calling, or undermining, or triangulating or trying to play me and my siblings and other family members off one another. It was bliss.
I have never again gone back to my parents' place for holidays nor any other reason. I have actually since cut off all contact all together. My life has gotten so much better since then. I have kept my tradition of spending the holidays eating frozen pizza and ready-made salad while watching movies and snuggling with my cat. But, I have found that pruning toxic people from my life has made room for wonderful ones instead. So, I often also spend time (during non-covid times) with these wonderful people too. And my life is so much better now.
I'm Danish and I love Americans for their generally practical- and fundamentally positive outlook on life. I'm making progress in getting away from a narc relationship simply by watching these videos. I hope Americans will never fall into the apathy and anxiety that at times seem to haunt Europeans. Stay strong. Lots of love and prayers to you all from Denmark
Hope you are doing better!!Thanks for complimenting Americans,we are often assumed to be bad by other countries. We are a very strong people who arent afraid to be different and face things head on. ❤
Once I suspect you’re a Narc I look at the time on my watch and I’m off..cause my time and my energy is too precious.We all have a responsibility to protect our energy and time.💖
Nip it in the bud. Cut it before it goes to seed and spreads it's evil.
@S great job. Our energy is too precious to waste on these mental individuals.
😂... the sigh “when is this gonna end” ....I feel it
REVERSE NARCISSIST SENSITIVITY-- They are keenly interested in what things (little and big) makes their target happy or unhappy and use the detailed information to increase misery and avoid all things that create a sense of happiness, affirmation, or security in their victim.
Oh yes. They are so clever at training you to be your dog for their doggy treats [Sometimes laced with chemical restraints too] for as long as you still don't get their number.
That is a great expression for it - thank you.
It is one of the worst parts of it. The narcs can see what makes others unhappy but then use their skills for evil instead of good.
It’s predatory, really.
Yep, they want you to feel miserable, to keep you out of balance and in control. As for me I was looking for these control tricks to feed off emotionally as childish until came up with "bigger guns" and external support, to hurt intentionally; found a crack within me: kids, family .... then it took time to find own calm place within, to recover and that's live :-) Still things to handle though :-) But they can't get you anymore ... covertly
My narc husband tries to play me like a piano. I have turned myself off and stay away from him at all costs. Dr. Carter your videos have helped me to be inspired to be the strong, kind person God created me to be. I just have stopped being vulnerable to him. I am doing my best to stay away from his gas lighting. I takes so much energy to be like this but it is much better than constantly being rejected and ignored, except when he wants to convince people that he is this great married guy.
Married to one for 39 years. Didn’t realize what he was doing until 5 years ago. I’m so tired, just exhausted tired. I’ve blamed myself for being a useless person. He has controlled my life for so long I have no idea how to live.
He’s a multiple level Narcissist. He’s a charming, pitiful, quiet, seemingly unaware of anything. Never raised his voice because he’s such and unassuming person. So cooperative and lazy in the same breath. Refuses to see anything that’s right in front of his face. Ignored his own children. Adores his coworkers children. Will bend over backwards for a stranger or coworker. Wont even cut his own grass. Will never apologize.
So unavailable emotionally.... 39 years. It would take days to tell it all.
My adult son is a clinically diagnosed covert malignant narcissist and I suffer from the narcissistic fatigue that you are describing. Every time he visits me he finds a reason to rage at me and accuse me of all sorts of "wrongs". Since he is my only family member I have endured decades of his narcissistic abuse because I did not want to be completely alone with no family and finally I am done with him and I prefer to be by myself than in bad company. He is now forty years old and he is not willing to accept any responsibility for his emotionally abusive behaviors. He has sucked the life out of me long enough. I deserve to live in peace and tranquility. Thank you for your very informative videos Dr. Carter. You are helping me to heal.
Hope you have or will find some great friends who are like family to you!!
I haven’t seen my daughter for 4 1/2 years for the same reason. It was very emotional and difficult in the beginning but it gets easier. Your peace and well being is so much more valuable than a one sided relationship ever will be.
1. Remove the narcissist from your emotional epicentre. Have no expectations.
2. Practice detached firmness. They have no power over you. Let them disagree with you. Make your own opinions and decisions.
3. Follow through the above with minimal defence. Explain yourself just once is enough.
4. Prepare in advance for their guilt trips. Let them think what they will.
5. Remain firm with your assertiveness. You don’t have to change their mind. Stand up for yourself. If they don’t like it it’s ok.
6. If they don’t like what you have to say and are rude move away.
Be reality based not idealism based. Resolve to be better for yourself.
Thank you
Wow! Yes, I feel so exhausted from the Narc! Emotional, mental and physical fatique!
I’m surrounded by narcissists and sociopaths and feel like I’m losing my mind most days. It is so draining!
Your not alone..I expect there’s numerous others in the same boat.
@@susanbrown2909 There are.
I decided to write out a list of the many people throughout my life and was so happy to realize that the list of authentic, kind people was full, and the list of poisonous people turned out to be much smaller, maybe 15 or twenty people. This gave me a lift and made me so grateful for all the kindnesses. It is amazing the negative narcissists take so much of our energy and cause such harm that all the attention is focused on the dread of their damage.
Same here!
To myself, to the narcissist, and to anyone who wants to know, I say:
*There is a decent person inside of me, and that’s enough.*
Lean into that comment! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I will try. This is a core belief that will help me become more immune to the shenanigans of my narcissistic siblings, so I'm going to work really hard to stand on this. Thank you, Dr. C.!!!
The thing that is draining is you (or at least I do) always have to have a "guard up" and you can never relax around this person. Like you always have to be ready to defend yourself.
Reminiscent of the Dementors in the Harry Potter books. Just, get out before they get to perform the 'Dementor's Kiss'. I was at the stage where I felt like all my energy was drained out of me. True story, I left my last workplace, four years ago, completely exhausted and worn out, like 'ripped out knitting' as another boss used to call it! And, I had this constant feeling of heavy headedness, that felt like my brain was in a thick psychological fog, a real pea souper, that took a full SIX MONTHS to go away. Real A class exhaustion territory! Thankfully, I haven't experienced the head fog since, but I do get cognitive lapses from time to time, and occasional spells of exhaustion. My mistake was staying too long. Get away from these people before you're so burnt out, that you never get back to you...
Yes to this!
Understood. Less bullying & power-play, the better.
Expecto Patronum!
@@cindys9491 I will always think of this, now 😅. Good one!
I was a bobble head, from nodding in agreement, through all of this!
Gaslighting is THE WORST... ESPECIALLY WHEN IT CONTINUES FOR YEARS & YEARS... the freaking SOB stalks everywhere they can find out I've been & goes out of their way to destroy whatever I may have been doing... I contend their objectives are to run me out & _That's NOT gonna happen._ I have gone so quiet not even my vehicle knows where we're going till I get there!!!💜
I feel physically sick to my stomach when he starts his rant.
Make him feel sick go on a rant too. Give him a taste of what he’s giving.
@@chaimomma9198 that doesn't work they like it when your upset, and you have to adhere to logic they don't.
@@simic0racle157 depends on the person.
@@chaimomma9198 fair enough, doesn't work for me. :P
@@chaimomma9198 It doesn’t work that way. They get narcissistic supply from anger, as well as admiration. If anything, it reinforces their behavior.
Dealing with these types is a nightmare. They never accept the shit they pull on you and they are ALWAYS victims, always. They railroad over boundaries and sulk and give the silent treatment when you say NO to them. They are TOXIC beings, nothing you ever do is right or good enough. They always create drama and victimhood. Surviving Narcissism has given me tools to deal with the one in my family, Thanks.
Whenever i put down these boundaries, my narc husband would make a PAY BACK of some punishment & i never knew when it was coming
Sounds like my Covert Passive Agressive Narc Landlord/Roomie
Can't wait for this video, I am so fatigued, I could hardly type this comment. Ugh
Almost 3 years and I can barely understand why It took so long for me to realize this behavior type. I guess I was just exhausted from the lies and everything else that went with it!
I have cancer and a bad heart. Severely anemic and at this typing, my primary care physician is freaking out at the seriousness of my health situation. Fatigued? Unbelievably. And yes, part of it is the physical condition of my body... but being married to this narcissist for almost 14 years has been a major contributor to my ill health. Seriously. NEVER got sick before him... and now on my 3rd round of cancer, bad heart, severely anemic... shot. Living with... serving... a narcissist can be life endangering, in more ways than one. Believe that.
@@susansmart2851 girl I believe it I’m at 33 years and counting I know what this can do to your health
Me too. I am DRAINED. I wish I could figure out a way to detach - ex has my daughter who is turning 14 and has utterly manipulated her. I feel like I have to detach to save myself, but that makes me feel SO guilty. I can't and so I'm stuck!
Same here 😢
The fatigue comes from the 4 times an hour, every hour, of relentless attack over years; and you still have to get everything done while dealing with this constant noise.
😭😭😭🤮
I did the same. Sleep was so luxurious! The exhaustion so complete... I felt so much peace when I left that I slept deeply like I was drugged.
@@Calibri57 I thought it was funny that she didn't notice how happy I was while packing her stuff up when she decided to go punish someone else, or 'leave me'. I told her the 'no, no, please don't go' to keep the story up, but I couldn't pack her stuff fast enough...it was exciting :) Ignore them long enough and they'll have to leave you, though it still takes a toll.
Dr.Carter..you know we can't be around them..ever.
Yep! Dr. C
So, so tired of this mess of a marriage I am in! It is on me to do the heavy lifting to end it, just as I did the heavy lifting to keep it going for over 35 years. I am beyond fatigued. Thank you for this video. Incredibly timely...
Yes! Because no way (in my case) he will decide to end it, so then, again, it is ofcourse me to blame for ruining the marriage and our family life with our 3 kids... and definitely, when it was not for our reasonable, forgiving, wise, patient behaviour, a marriage like this won't last for a second. But, in their reality, we are the one to blame, responsable for all the damage and problems they cause, while we try all we can to manage it all and manage for things not getting out of hand....it is such a brain f***. I hope one day i am able to get out of it, the energy drain is real...and realizing this is what i am in, but still not able to stop it, is even more devestating. Wishing you all the best, much love!
@@FrictionCreativeProductions thank you for sharing...the best any of us can do is get out if it is possible. If not, spending as little time as possible in this incredibly draining and toxic setting is paramount. I struggled through the entire marriage believing I was the problem!!! We are not the problem, but the problem is real, and the toxicity is real. Just like trying to survive without air is impossible, so is staying in a relationship with someone who is incapable of participating in a normal relationship. It is not you! It was never about you, but deflecting and blaming you is the reality you (and I) are dealing with. Praying you find strength and a way out...🙏
@@kaymackay1161 thank you so much! Reading these kind of comments is comforting, assuring and supporting, and a way of pulling myself back to normality and reasonable people.... best regards to you!
@@kaymackay1161 It is now January 2022 and I am reading your comments here. I sincerely hope you were able to get out, or that you are in the process. Best wishes.
@@melaw5 thank you. What a wonderful message and reminder of what a difference a year makes. I have signed a lease on my own house and will be moving in this month! Feeling hopeful and blessed! Thank you again!
All so true! Diagnosed years ago with Chronic Fatigue (CF) when many doctors even denied it! That and Fibro Myalgia (FM) have plagued my life. When I told him my diagnosis and how mostly women were being diagnosed with this, his response was that they should have to live in the man's world and see what men go through! He accused me of always wanting to be sick! He also trained his sons to have the same opinions toward me!
God help us, if there is ANY way left!
Is this why I didn't wanna be around my x wife? Is this why when she wasn't home I felt great..at least for a little while?
I thought I was being a bad husband....but this makes sense...
Yiu are catching on.
It’s beyond Exhausting
@@everythingroxy3582 I started crying a little when I realized this..
@@markfromtinder9616 hang in there
You are going to make it. It Is a cry of relief perhaps. Meaning you can relax, she is gone, and you can be happy. Sing the song “ding 🛎 dong the witch is dead”
never confront a narcissist, They love gettig you upset and an excuse to up there game.
Expose them calmly--let them know you're onto them.
it is so sad. because they have the potential to be good people, who don't realize how empty they are. i pray from the goodness of my heart, that they will be healed. if they don't, I hope that they stay in their small circles of success until they do. I am seeing various levels and differences of narasstic people. Some are worse than others. Some are more gentler than others. Some are horrible. Honestly I am such a sweet giving person and I am working through to find my weakest link that makes me so vulnerable to them so I can break the cycle
They aren't interested in being healed because as far as they're concerned, they are perfect.
I believe you Yvonne. My advice to you though is because most of them believe that everyone should be like them or they must be a loser don't ever admit to them that you are such a sweet giving person. That would be like waving a red blanket in front of a bull ready to charge.
This is information that I gravely need. Hopefully others can find HOPE in joining the rest of the world again, in addition to myself. Thank you for all your information
When Dr. C said "killing your spirit" a chill went down my spine. I've used exactly those words to describe my feelings. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and somehow escaped the trap of trying to be the kind of daughter she wanted/wondering why I didn't deserve love/waiting for her to turn info the kind of mother I needed/wanted. I just knew from the get-go I had to bypass her. But I'll never know if it set me up later in life to have a narcissist target on my back. I am in the process of going NC after a 13-year relationship with a narc and am now experiencing that feeling of grieving that I hear described with daughters of narcissist mothers. I miss him but I know I'm holding an image in my mind of something that doesn't exist. Or it did exist but it was simply a trap to draw me into the center where it was very difficult to escape. It's just so sad how this can happen...people turning into narcissists. I am highly empathic and can feel their desperate, never-ending pain and know that ironically I am the lucky one because I can see and change, and they can't. I think some of them know they have a tragic flaw and some don't. Whichever way it is, they use it as a reason to get even angrier with you.
It’s very difficult to look in control while saying this excellent stuff when feeling anxious and agitated internally .
It sucks a lot especially when they're coworkers. The common thing I notice is that narcissistic coworkers will bully you for performance or nit-pick. When in reality, I'm tired/not performing because I'm forced to be around the narcissist. It can be hard to enforce boundaries at work especially when management disregards them from the top down.
Yes, the guilt trips remind you of dealing with demanding toddler. However the toddler will grow out of this phase.
Most often more than one demanding toddler to cope with there if not one right after another because while falling for the guilt trips its always your fault because your kind ate the apple first or whatever that is sure to attract more of the big adult toddler kind.
LOL so true! She says " We are family" I don't give a fuck if we are family the simple fact is you disrespected me and my boundaries so f off! If we are " family" you should have respected me just like I respect you. SIMPLE
As the mother of 3 grown children ( 2 are doubtful 😊)...,I'd chose an actual toddler..😂
@@darlalong1957 , yeah, you are right at least the toddler is adorable, but an unreasonable, paudy old man is not.
@@strictlyuniqueful Love what you said! It took until I was 65 to think about my narc brother, "We might have slid out of the same uterus, but that is it!" He abused, lied, stole, bullied, etc, etc while I kept that stupid....we are family guilt trip in my mind. Glad to see it does not control you. Bless you.
I was so drained this morning; I just broke down in tears in the shower. I had to go on half day of fasting and prayer.
I would feel like I just boxed 10 rounds and ran for 10 miles after arguing with my dad. He would look like he just rested for 12 hours. It was like my energy went into him to recharge him to give him fuel to slander me in order to get more fuel from watching his flying monkeys swarm on me and the chaos that ensued. Then he would do it again the very second I relaxed for maximum pain.
That sucks I'm sorry.
Oh but it seemed like home 'sweet' home enough when another one showed up often there to be on his 'best' behavior charming side to the world there too instead while I was the house bound one being made to do my home work on time there [As if I wasn't already doing so] just so my parents could both continue to look good enough among the Dr. Ray positivism always wins crowd.
Yes, after an arguement I would not be able to sleep. Squirming in my bed, thinking how horrible my narc was. He would sleep like a baby. That twat.
Absolutely shattered and drained as I type this but I know this video will be a great help all of us that are part of this community, thank you for all the work that you do!
Dr. C thank you for all you do. The fatigue and exhaustion is real and can manifest itself into health problems. I know this because I now have high blood pressure from 10 years of walking on eggshells. I have been to the doctor, done every test possible, and have no underlying conditions. He told me that it is completely stress related. With the help of your videos and deciding to live the rest of my life as a decent human, I am finally starting to heal, both physically and mentally. Thank you again Dr. C
I wonder if it's not depression related. Can't get out of bed, can't wake up fully, just shattered all the time.
I feel the same way. Some days I don't wanna attempt to wake up. That's nothing like how I used to be
I have a hunch depression will be addressed somehow and someway when this video is published.
This is PTSD dealing with the narc , I suffer the same shattered and then you meet another one !!
I have severe adrenal fatigue because of living with 20 years of crazy-making narc. I am basically bedridden. Get your cortisol levels checked.
When a situation seems hopeless or unavoidable often our reaction is depression
It’s terrible that people won’t believe you when you are with a narcissist. You can feel that you are never going to get out. I’m in a relationship like that.
I do sometimes dislike the hate comments about narcissists spouses, because some of us are trying to stay and maintain a relationship with one. I have the unfortunate circumstance of not being able to eliminate all the narcissists from my life. But learning to cope with one can be very helpful if you’re in that position. I think these videos really do help, and not everyone can be lucky enough to get away.
My adult brother is ‘that’ person- ruins every dinner/tantrums at Funerals-POUTS AT weddings/ such a DRIP!
I spent much of my life running back and forth, mentally and physically between the priorities of a controlling type person and my authentic values, and sometimes I still do. Narcissistic fatigue is such an intriguing concept and I can't wait to learn!
Dear Dr. C .. just over two years ago I went to my family Doctor asking to be referred to a psychiatrist as the antidepressant medications I had been on were no longer working for me and while I had suicidal thoughts I have 4 children and 9 Grandchildren I would never abandon. In conversation my Doctor spent an hour with me asking about my husband, with that he said I cannot diagnose your husband but inclined to think he may have Narcissistic behaviours / tendencies. In searching RUclips I found you! I binge watched your videos over many months and found the strength to leave him, divorce him, sell our property and today I am 8 days out from my Marital settlement where I will be receiving substantially more than he will. I am 90% healed from what felt like Stockholm Syndrome. I am not joking when I say ‘You saved my life’ I had been with this energy vampire for 32 years. Initially angry at the loss of my years with him but like I said I have such a beautiful and supportive family .. how could I ever regret that! Today I am as grateful to my ex for the lessons .. I don’t apologise for being an empath which he saw as weakness .. love to all on this journey 🦋✨🇦🇺🙏 I come back to your videos and re-watch them to keep me strong. One day I plan to visit America and in my travels plan to meet you in person and thank you personally. You are saving lives .. God Bless You and Yours 🙏
You're an inspiration. Best wishes as you move forward!!! Dr. C
Walking on eggshells except the eggshells are more like the glass old fashioned Christmas balls are made of - constant tension and expectancy of something that's going to bite and maybe even make you bleed.
Sometimes that energy-sucking atmosphere is displayed through silence...as long as they have control over the situation, they're happy as a lark. 😒
How true this is. You said it perfectly
This sounds like family in general. Narcissism is childish behavior.
Absolute chlidish bat not weak at bulling.
My familly also.
80% of them F... your brain when you go in contact with them.
Drain you dray in 5 min.
No jocke.
Narcissism is not 'childish' behavior, it's a type of mental illness and these people are all the same. One thing I noticed with them is a strange stare as if they're reading your facial expressions. It's like a cat watching a prey species. They have these dead eyes like a snake listening to you as if you're talking to a robot. They're fond of stretching out their mouth in a leer, it's not a smile so much as it appears to be anxiety from a feeling of hatred and ill-will. ruclips.net/video/Qx_GDCOdtjw/видео.html
200% true 👍
@@keplermission4947 There is an immature element to it all, though. This is what was referred to as "childish." They are really immature adults, especially when "triggered."
@@wellnesspathforme6236 ... well, the ones I knew well, one had an IQ of 180. So immature adult perhaps. Mozart was a child prodigy. I wouldn't rush to judge some of those as 'immature adults'. Pol Pot didn't like smart people and I guess neither did Uncle Joe. I don't know if you've ever been to an Ivy League university and met with some of those people but genius people can be a little weird.
Yes it's been a battle just having a simple conversation with that person.Makes no sense to even try.Thank you for these tips🙏
As a caregiver I look after a lady like this. Nobody outside understands why I am so drained but she sucks all enjoyment out of everything and works to spoil anything I enjoy. Objected to me getting myself a few things while shopping for her, said it becomes more about me than her. Wanted my bowl of soup as it had more peas than her bowl. On and on it goes.
Thank you again for the wonderful content. You have provided a refuge and light to the darkness of my narcissistic relationship.
I remember that fatigue. The 3 hours scolding on a work night about how I wasnt quite the wife he had hoped for. Well well...I'd like for him to sit down with me today and discuss that ; ) oh that would be a block buster entertainment for me now
Thank you Dr. C ! Your awesome and you help so many. I've sent ppl your way .
God bless you, Dr Carter. You are such a bright light. I saw a therapist for over ten years and never understood narcissism as well as I have since learning from you. Thank you, sir. If you ever need a graphic designer in a pinch, please let me know. I’d be happy to (at least) try and return what you have given. Cheers.
Another very helpful video thank you. I'm struggling big time trying to keep my wits about me while trying to leave this horrible relationship with what I'm looking at to be the narc from hell but then again they're all from hell. Thank you again for these videos. I've never dealt with someone like this before in my entire 45 years on planet Earth.
Thank you thank you I'm right in a drowning negativity slowly pulling myself up the video is extremely helping thank you
The best time I had with my parents was when my narc brother was in prison for 3 yrs. What a wonderful 3 yrs we had.
That's a sad commentary about your bro. Dr. C
The first time I heard the term 'energy vampire' was in 1980 after a friend of mine met my ex for the first time. After that I paid closer attention to his behaviour and she was absolutely right.
I had been married to him for 3 years and always felt that something was not right about him; it took me another 3 years to get him out of my life, and even after I remarried, he stalked me and my (not his) children for 23 years.
I have since moved several hundred miles away and he is still tying to stalk me on social media.
Some just never give up.
Yesterday morning I visited my dad and his wife, made them a nice breakfast, tried to cheer them up and be positive that the day is beautiful outside. When I got home I took a 2 hour nap and was drained. So glad to see this video title that the vampire energy drain is real.
This is exactly how I'm feeling, especially seven months into this endless virus lockdowns. I'm so sick, literally, from being confined in the home with the narc all day every day. I feel like I'm at my wits' end! And he has weeks of vacation time to use up and just sit around without even working so he has nothing better to do than create chaos and drama all day every day while I have work to do and homeschool my kids! This never-ending hell...but still, I will try my best to employ these strategies. The one thing is, there is no escape and he will not quit until he gets the reaction he wants.
There is NEVER an End to their BS!!!They Are Soooo SELF CENTERED AND CARE NOTHING ABOUT ANYONE BUT THEMSELVES!!!! LOOKING FORWARD TO ANY ADVICE!!!!JUST WISHED I COULD HAVE AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE IN MY BRAIN WHENEVER THEY ATTACK!!! THEY ATTACK EVEN HARDER WHEN I STAND UP FOR MYSELF... HOW DARE I... AND When I am getting Ganged up on by them, my mind goes Blank...
Not just the argumentative narcs. The ones that give the silent treatment are also exhausting.
For sure!
Absolutely right.
When in the presence of a narc it feels like your swirling around in a hurricane over the vast deep ocean.
It is so strange to experience such negative energy.
Living with this with my own abusive father and going to court for 8 years. The best thing for them would be to stop breathing
This video came out at just the right time.
I'm in the middle of a heated custody battle with my narc ex, and she's on the defense from her meth habit. She's injured and lashing out in all directions.
It is exhausting trying to figure out something as simple as visitation time for her with our kids.
She'll spend over an hour of her three hour visitation arguing with me over a 6 minute drive that she feels I should make instead of her. Just ridiculous, just visit with your kids!
Yes, that's what I did for 43.5 years! I tried to apply normalcy to an abnormal circumstance. Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr. C. This explains so much. Countless times I would be left feeling like I was taken from, drained of myself, sapped - if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain. Currently, I have a relative that will not respect my wishes not to chat on the phone. I've responded to her voicemails with emails explaining that I want to connect through emails, to no avail. She leaves me pitiful, whiny messages in a little girl voice, that I feel badly about. She's older than me and has a husband and grandkids. I just don't want to go back for more. If I could only stop feeling illegitimate guilt!
By the time I left after 14 years of insane marriage to a passive aggresssive covert narcissist, I was totally shattered. Exhausted. I now live with adrenal fatigue - which I understand and accept and no how to handle. I am far thinner than I should be. Too bad. I am happy joyous and free and when I am tired it is a natural tired and not total emotional exhaustion
I have several family members who are either narcissistic, sociopathic or psychotic. Family gatherings are always horrible.
I resolve to accept the truth that it’s legitimate, it’s good and it’s necessary for me to be fully me
I resolve to accept the truth that narcissists can be insensitive
I also resolve to accept the truth that I don’t need their sensitivity in order for me to follow through with what I know is wise and best.
What a rational and better way to have peace of mind!!
Wow 😯
Thanks again!
Narcissism is real, its toxicity is serious. Not to be ignored or put under the carpet. It’s not a “stiff upper lip” thing to gamble with.
How I wish churches can accept this truth and stop wanting to push sufferers to stay in these toxic disabling relationships in the name of forgiveness because God doesn’t want any of His children to suffer.
All of us here who got involved with a narcissist is really exhausting. I feel you guys those who had so many years of invovlement.. in my case we are on Long distance relationship for 1 yr and 8 months, the moment he discarded and used gaslighting i found out he is narc. And watching videos and learning more about them it helps me equip with knowledge and easily move on with this abused... we can all make it. Hold on to your will to move on and youll see a healthy mind and body will be the result. With peace of mind. Thanks Dr. Carter!
You are so right Dr carter you always feel drained from a narcissitist thank you Dr Carter for all your videos they are so good 😀
Dr. Carter gives FANTASTIC advice that's ethical, practical and effective. It's simply great "life skill" stuff. His advice is adaptable to fit practically ANY difficult human interaction. I've benefited from listening to him. The compassionate, practical-assertiveness he prescribes is a really nice way to navigate through the often-murky waters of dealing with a wide variety of less-than-well-adjusted humans.
What he prescribes is good operating procedure in general, even when dealing with basically well-adjusted folks. His short videos are easy to listen-to and practical enough to put into action. Yay, thank you, Dr. C.
I kind of accidentally clicked on this out of curiosity...then when you sighed and said, “It’s exhausting.” I chuckled a little...thought about it a little...and then burst into tears. I don’t know how you know all this stuff about these narcissists, but I took notes on everything you said, taking 3 times as long to get through the video. You see, I don’t just get to walk away from my abuser. He is the madman who holds my children hostage and I have to figure out a way to deal with him so my kids suffer less. I’ve tried everything and ended up exhausted and depressed. I need something that WORKS. And you just gave me actual tools. I’m posting these resolutions up on my wall, reading them to my kids like the daily Bible, and memorizing them until it sticks. God keep blessing you Dr Carter. Don’t quit on us.
My ex-narcissist faked the ability to have a relationship and then showed again and again that he did not really want one and was incapable of having one. Always an excuse as to why he cannot do what I ask or want. And yet he does not let go. Yes, it’s exhausting. I have finally come to the point where I no longer wish to see him again. I have nothing more I can say to him.
I could have written this
They memorize relationship milestones and do everything at the right time--phone calls, dates, saying "I love you" for the first time, sending flowers. But it doesn't feel right--intimacy never develops, the relationship stays superficial and you don't seem to rank over anyone else. Later you discover they had somebody else going in the background and realize they'd always juggled multiple relationships.
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg Yes, it never did feel exactly right. I see other issues in looking back as well. That is what hindsight does for you. As for other relationships in my case, I don’t know. But it makes sense because they must have supply and need a backup. I feel sad for them actually. I can move on. He is stuck.
*I resolve to* …
…be *reality-based,* not idealism-based.
…be *decisive,* even in the presence of push-back.
…listen to my own *common sense.*
…offer *no apologies* for my good preferences.
…be a person of *dignity,* even when the narcissist is indignant.
…be *clean in my anger,* using it in a constructive and reasonable way.
…find reasonable time each day to pursue my *personal needs.*
…exercise *self-restraint,* not be pulled off my game plan by an emotionally immature person.
… *plan in advance who I will be* when I face challenging comebacks from that person.
…let my *yes mean yes* and my *no mean no.*
…acknowledge that *narcissists are insensitive.*
…acknowledge that *I don’t need the narcissist’s sensitivity* to follow through on what I know is wisest and best.
…it’s good, it’s legitimate, and it’s necessary for me to *be fully me.*
Yes! You get it. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you! I've learned so much in the past 2 years, but you keep putting out new things for me to learn. :D And typing it out for other people helps me remember it too.
It is definitely exhausting. I have a narcissistic Dad that I went no contact with in September. I have always felt like the truth teller in my family and everyone else just wants to maintain the status quo. I told my brother yesterday about going NC with my Dad. I had never told my brother about the physical and emotional abuse before. My brother said he wouldn’t take sides, but explained away all of my Dad’s behavior by saying he was probably struggling with his own emotions and he was only trying his best. It is exhausting when I feel like I’m the only one willing to call out the toxic behavior.
Dr. Carter's videos have been such an encouragement to me these past few months. Leaving my marriage of 23 years in Sept after my narcissistic husband's rage woke me up to who he is. Two counselors told us our situation was beyond their scope and discontinued our sessions. He is a monster and has my kids manipulated with money, outings, new phones, new pets. It is sick and so very painful for me. Dr. Carter if a comfort to watch and very validating!!
Thank you for letting me know this is real.I thought he was getting dementia or something equally as horrible.He was bleeding me dry of all feeling.Now I know thanks to you what I'm up against and must deal accordinglyPray for us
I so wish I watched this channel and was informed before the actual narcmare. Everything Dr. Carter says is so true and I believe that this is the only way to cope with narcs - not playing their nasty mind games, not putting their needs first, greyrocking, detachment, indifference to their precious opinions, not expecting normal decent human behaviour (probably my biggest mistake of them all) .... most of narcs abuse and wrongdoing is possible because of victim´s lack of information - For me, I did not know what I am facing and I was confused, disgusted etc and more importantly I did not know what to do and let them to mess with my head at first before I realised what this is about, but that was too late. Thank you Dr. Carter for your amazing educational work!
After 10 years.....I'm tired! Your so accurate in everything you said.....
The trouble is when I'm with that super controlling person all my plans, intentions etc just go out of the window. I had an episode with them nearly a week ago and I'm still recovering. I even lost my voice. This is a friend so I don't see them every day thank goodness. To say she overwhelms me is putting it mildly. Yet when somebody else comes along she's all sweetness and light. It is horrible!!
This Explains why I feel so Free when I am away from home and need to getaway from him.
There is a decent person inside of me. I need to tell myself daily. I have never been told that or told myself that.
I was just thinking why am I so exhausted lately. I'm at the point where I feel like no matter what I do he finds something to criticize and insult me. I'm trying to be attentive and neutral but he finds things as small as he is tired of my tv shows and goes off about how selfish I am . I'm not forcing him to watch but he needs to finds something. Its exhausting.
Ignore them as much as possible and practice going 'Grey Rock'...as you work your way to going full 'no contact'. 💕
I am currently in the midst of a legal battle with my narc sister. I am so fatigued and can't sleep at night. On one hand I feel the need for justice, because she is a thieving beast, but then there are times when I just want to give up.
My partner thinks she's working as a team yet it's like living with a manager. I'm using these tactics. Today she wanted to watch a movie, I said I'll watch 30 minutes then I'm going to study... she then gave me instructions on what I need to do in that time I just created... I stayed firm and said I'm doing what i choose to do. Then she tried the guilt trip, i stayed firm with no anger, i did not keep the conversation going long. Quick and firm without anger
What made me overcome narcissistic fatigue was my ex leaving. The day he told me he was about to leave after living together for 24 years, I obviously felt sat but, at the same time, I started to feel energetic and I needed less sleep. Unfortunately, I think I've developed PTSD and I'd like to know which are the signs (if narcissistic PTSD even exists) and how to cope with it.
It exists and you are good to be rid of him
Try tapping EFT dr Brian Yates RUclips
Normalcy to abnormal situations. That hit home.
This video, like all videos, comes at such an opportune time. Like so much of what is happening in the world, it can be exhausting. What I love about this video is the reminder that I need to understand that I have no way of changing the narrative coming from the narcissistic camp. The sooner I learn this, the better it is. Instead of being an "adrenaline junkie" and get worked up trying to be argumentative because I want to "control or change" what someone else does, forget it. I am being delusional if I think I am going to somehow make the narcissist "click" and have "insight". I am so wrong and the sooner I realize their "consistent inconsistency" the better. I have a responsibility to be true to me and take care of me. I am comfortable with my decisions and I know I can make the right decision. if I do not, it is not the end of the world and I will learn. Otherwise, I set myself up for being "pinged" and "reactivity". Thanks Dr. Carter again for reminding me to own my power in a dignified way.
And the thing of it is, is people... even those closest to me... think I am such a strong person. That I am invincible and that I am able to overcome every adversity... even cancer. But lately, I feel like I’m losing this one; 14 years of being married to this narcissist (31 years my junior) has taken its toll, and I feel like I might not make this round. The sheer exhaustion of dealing with him every day... for weeks and months and years... has worn me out to the point that my body is shutting down now. I’m 65 years old... and I am dying. Literally. And before my time. Sometimes I think he’s just waiting for it, so he can collect widower’s benefits (social security) and live off of that for the rest of his life.
Why am I still with him? I think... just as I did with my other 3 ex-husbands (all narcissists too)... that a huge part is the guilt trip they put you on. YOU feeling sorry for THEM. YOU feeling obligated to make THEIR life easier, while ignoring your own needs and wants. THEM giving YOU the incorrect idea that YOU need THEM in order to get through life.
I know what I need to do, but I am just so damned EXHAUSTED that it’s difficult to get through the days and nights lately. My drs are concerned that the cancer is growing or has traveled to another vital organ. And then there’s my heart condition(s) as well.
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE, AND ALL THERE IS LEFT ARE MY TRUE LOVED ONES... MY 7 KIDS, 12 GRANDKIDS, MA, SIBS... GATHERED AT MY FUNERAL, BOO-HOOING.
I just have to.
I feel the same way. Exactly! I have to get help, directions on how to get out before it's too late. I'm calling a councilor tomorrow.
You have to become some kind of bad ass.
It's hard in contact though. Better leave, heal and be assertive in a non toxic environment. The narcissist will keep provoking you.
No contact. Impossible. Building i live in. Dealing with people who work there. Small town i live in.
1..place no hope in them for anything....2... stop caring about their opinions and rage....3...live ur own life....firmly...without their permission...4....make them own their own sins, dont invest in helping them overcome...5....tell them their sins without fear assertively....6...use as few words as possible then just go do something away from them....7....read the bible and ask God to restore your soul and convict the abuser of their sins.