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1) They are always the victim 2) life is a score card. every interaction is a transaction 3) there is only one correct way in how anything is done - theirs 4) they got a raw deal hence everyone owes them 5) whoever does not follow their assigned "role" is defective 6) they are extremely paranoid 7) they don't believe they need help nor even want it
Agreed you described my sister so well. She went no contact with me hoping I would grovel to her and she ain't getting it. No contact back at you. Freedom from the abuse.
I have never known that someone could be so delusional...blame everyone else so easily & justify in their mind they are right. ....such pathological liars!!! And then they believe & act out their lies. It gets so twisted.
Talking to a true narcissist is like listening to radio. It's not talking, interaction. It's information, propaganda and orders. You are just audience. You better be low key.
You put it so precisely! One-sided, meaningless "conversations" (monologues) without any respect towards the other person... They love listening to themselves.
They think they are smarter than anyone in the room and will tell you so. Never wrong never say sorry. Always right live in another world. No insight no empathy. Always first and so so entitled
You explained the narcissist I have dealt with for 40 plus years. Not one time in all of those years did they ever say I am sorry, I was wrong. Not once, when they were 99% of the time.
@@PiscesinVa My aunt ( the pious family "matriarch") NEVER confronts me face-to-face, she condemns me with scripture & sends me to hell. What a coward! Her texts are dissertations which averages about 8 inches long or longer (with a reduced font) Also, she's the only one of my mom (who is also a narc) siblings that has a college degree & the rest of the family are idiots. Therefore we bide our time awaiting for direction that only auntie can give....NOT!
Not even running away but inventing all sorts of strategies to prevent you from even speaking out what is not ok: - word salad - raising their voice and interrupting you one million times per minute, making it totally impossible to speak - saying they don't want to discuss "anything in the past" (even if that past is like 2 minutes ago 😋) - deflecting - changing the subject
The last day my (ex) narc husband was here I told him I didn't feel like I could talk to him and was always walking on eggshells. He said, "If you can't say what you want to say, that's your problem. Say what you want. If I don't like it, I'll just shut you down."
So in other words, they are insane. See definition below : insane- in a state of mind which prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill.
@@rolandasrol4621 you meant rocket science? Maybe for some people it's easy to figure out. Those people usually don't watch these types of videos because they got out early. You don't know everyone's situation, if this is a parent and you were raised this way or in a romantic relationship for a long time, the person may doubt their sanity with these types. I left my comment to help others who may need to read it, not for some snide comment about rocket science. Good Day Rolandas.
They do fit the definition of being insane. I waver between insane and evil. Once I finally realized what was being done to me, my mind could not comprehend their actions being intentional. These people claimed they loved me. I justified their behavior. I must be a slow learner. It took me a bit to understand it was all intentional. That's when I started to think they must be evil. I treat them accordingly.
U rock Cathy. It eats ya right up, I feel you big time, and I hope you stay strong with all that, my wishes out to y’all ❤️ it’s such a freakin weird feeling just getting out, like holding your breath for years
I worked for an Air Force colonel who was a flaming narsi. Half of the squadron was in a stress relief class the base psychologist organized. Worst two years of my career. I survived by avoiding him as much as possible.
Sad....many are quite intelligent and know how to look good and get promoted and placed in positions of authority....as long as higher ups see results, they are ambivalent that narc-supervisors are killing their subordinates....and of course, the narc supervisor is expert at covering tracks if subordinates walk....it’s the subordinate’s fault always....we had a team sergeant in Afghanistan like that....my section always had our own break contact plans on operations if we took heavy fire because we weren’t going to let this a-hole get us killed for his glory ...and we weren’t about to cover his back either ...hate is a strong word and God forgive me but I still hate this guy as do many others
@@sl2608 i am an assistant to a judge and just gave notice i am leaving to work for another judge. Worst week of my career. Best decision ever. The games, shame, shunning, childish behavior is playing out for all to see. It is pitiful and embarrassing to see a grown man act like this.
More on the human radio 📻 My dad used to have monologues all the time. Wasn't satisfied until he had hijacked and could lecture for 10 minutes. He had two favourite tactics. 1: If you stated something, anything, he said "Now hold your horses " You got nervous, and lost the ball. A quite shitty thing to do to a kid. It felt like you had lost the plot, right from the start. Very effective. Then he could rant. 2: Asking totally impossible questions, like "Do you know how mercury behaves i water?" or "Do you know who Tesla was?" He only asked stuff he knew you didn't understand. You got insecure, and lost the ball in a second. He's such a prime example of a covert narcissist. Thank you, Dr C, for giving me that term : covert narcissist. Brilliant!
I've found the more I try to explain the more trouble I get into. Liberation came when I realized I didn't have to explain anything to them. It's my decision, and that's that! So one of my favorite lines: "Well, that's one way to look at it."
your right, they really are not interested in your reply other than to throw you off and degrade you in every way they do. so I just say , ok really hmhm and literaly that's all ive said for yrs now and he couldn't care less. and the truth I couldn't care less now what he thinks about me any how. hahaha its gets to be really funny after you find yourself again and know that your OKAY x
@@kzitro4346 And it's a waste of energy. It's funny because sometimes it's like dealing with a drunk. In the morning they don't remember what they said! What's that saying if you tell the truth you don't need a good memory? Yes, it's all made up in their mind.
After 45 years watching my narc hubby, I've resorted to just saying, after his nonstop argueing, "Interesting! What are you going to do about it then?!" " It's obvious you don't need my opinion, you've already made up your twisted mind...so just go with it if it makes you feel better!"
I’m so grateful for how the general population is waking up to this and related disorders. I am so grateful for all the RUclips therapists who helped me recognize my codependency and attraction to narcissists. Now I’m so “woke” to these types, I’m able to spot them in fairly short order. I’m no longer afraid to date because healthy self love makes me invulnerable to narcissists. I stay in my body when I’m with others and my gut registers even the most subtle put down. I’m so excited about my future! Something wonderful is possible for me now! Thanks, Doc❣️
It's so hard when they are family because I felt for years that you're stuck with them forever. I was wrong about that. I should never had held into my entire life thinking I had to be attached to them for the rest of my life because they were "blood" . You don't have to and shouldn't wreck your life trying to hold onto a family that's willing to bring your whole life down. DONT DO IT
That is the truth.!! Hardest ones in life to have to block, they will not stop untill they destroy you. Chosen family is the answer for sure. Freedom is in every step you take away from them
Narcs totally rationize their rude comments too. "I'm not rude, I'm just being honest with you." Over the last 22 years my narcissistic sister-in-law never passed up an opportunity to tell me privately or in front of her friends, "we're not friends, we're not close, we just get along." One day I decided to ask her why she felt the need to keep saying that to me, but I asked in front of my husband and father-in-law (I had never told either she had been saying this to me). With an initial look of horror on her face, she then clasped her hands together as if in prayer and put on her best angelic face and said, "I would never say something like that to you or anyone else." She later took me aside and asked me why I embarrassed her like that. She said, "Would you rather I lie about our relationship? I was just being honest."
Wow. We both have a narc for a SIL! Aren’t they fantastic pieces of work? Worst thing is, she also controls my narcissistic husband and to watch them interact, the body language is palpable as English is not their second language. I always knew they were ‘off’ but it wasn’t until I discovered what narcissistic people were, I really thought it was me inciting the trouble I constantly found myself in with these people.
It is truly difficult to deal with narrow minded people , when they also think they are always right. Since I know more now about the reasons why they are this way, such as limited acceptance of input, lack of self reflection and empathy, I refrain from interacting with them on a personal level.
"I'm over you" "You just don't matter to me anymore" Perfect sentences to get the narcissist...to..finally.... realize you are a very poor source of supply for them.
@@patriciawalker7190 They can only "do this" if you stay there long enough to allow it. You can always walk away, close the door, hang up the phone, or drive away at the 15 minute mark and save yourself the extra hour and 45 minutes.
Also a very good way of getting them to come back at you 20 times harder and god only knows what else. Dont play with fire. Don’t say a word, just let it be.
Being in love with someone like this messes with you so much. Wow, who knew. So dysfunctional. Still trying to feel clean and clear headed after months broken up.
Watch out in the future Lyka, as a 'trained' source of supply, its possible youre exhibiting subtle behaviors that tell roving narc predators that you are a candidate for abuse. I had a series of narc relationships because of this and i still dont know what the signals or signs I have been broadcasting are, i just know that I attract narc women like a moths to a flame, so im really carefull about who I let in.
My crazy, schizophrenic, alcoholic she/beast of a Mother claimed to have a degree in psychology. If you questioned her, she would snap, I read ALL the books, meaning in the two Mississippi colleges she attended @ late 1950's -early 1960's. None of her dates or years add up, including my ALTERED birth certificate. She has some kind of history degree that enabled her to teach high school ( she has been for d from EVERY job). Are there laws.that prevent people from making false claims about their college transcripts, degrees and certifications? The ONLY thing people respond to is lawsuits, prison time and paying fines.
They have breaks in time/memory and invent stories to cover the missing parts. They believe that what they are remembering is true. They do not remember they are a sacred being with a calling, purpose and gifts but when they are triggered they come into contact with that truth. Since, they checked out from themselves early in life (to protect themselves/to survive an unsafe environment), they constantly run the 'I'm-alone-story' of the wounded child. Their trauma detoured them from developing their true self and they expect others to carry them instead of learning to walk. They generate drama and their own suffering instead of generating solutions. When we see the 3-year old driving the car heading in our direction, it is best for our energy and mental health to get out of their way. When we develop proactive boundaries that cultivate authenticity and truth telling in a way that is safe, we graduate from our old stories and consciously create new stories. Choose your truth.
This is my N exactly. I was struggling with the “how can you say that is what happened? Where did you come up with that story?”... this has become a major issue lately! It makes sense now. He is filling in the missing gaps & making it all my fault! He BELIEVES the stories he has made up! Of course he is a pathological liar too!
_"They do not remember they are a sacred being with a calling, purpose and gifts..."_ What the fuck is this shit? Do you have any evidence for that at all? You're accusing narcissists of misremembering and making shit up and you ironically, in the same breath show that you have zero self awareness whatsoever. You don't choose your truth. Things are true with or without you. How will you distinguish between your baseless made up horseshit and that of a narcissist and how can you justify telling them they're wrong when, just like you, they "choose their truth"? How can you expect anyone to take your word over that of anyone else's if your basis is completely absent? Your words are exactly as empty as that of a narcissist or terrorist. All you have is what you believe and wish for and you have nothing to show for. Isn't it time to rethink the basis of your beliefs and choose one that is reliable and existent regardless of your opinion, so that you don't even always have to show that you're right because other people can just check it on their own?
My freedom came when I realized that they brought nothing worthwhile to my life. I was so emotionally battered having had three in my family of origin, a significant other and a couple of lifelong friends who all had heavy narcasisstic traits. I was a social worker and a giver and, boy, did they take!! Once I gently disconnected, I realized how upsetting and negative I'd allowed them to make my life. I am much happier, healthier, calmer and financially well off now that I set myself free. And I have time for positive new relationships.
Yeah, you're giving, I'm taking, so what's your problem! And my fave, if you don't see it my way, you're obviously in denial or having a break with reality.
I’m divorcing a narcissist and it’s interesting to say the least. Glad I watched this . He’s watching what he says as he knows I’ll have it in writing via text his words. His words are always weapons. I’m going to watch this several times and need calm confidence right now .
Once you know how they operate, it's like getting a manual. It's crazy how predictable they become. God bless, I divorced mine in June and feel lighter every day
Hi Julie, I want to wish you much strength,,,especially going the a divorce. You're doing exactly what you need to be in keeping a journal. One of the most toxic Narcissistic repellents is to always stand in your truth F.Y.I., check out Rebecca Zung's RUclips channel. She's a divorce lawyer who specializes in Narcissism. She even has a couple books out that you may find beneficial.
My ex husband had a delusion about our whole marriage, and when I didn't act the way his delusion said I should he got mad at me, sometimes he would look at me as though he didn't recognize me.
Narcissists always seem like they have a need to have the last word. When I have said," I'm done," their reply is LMAO. They have a total lack of reasonable self-awareness or responsibility.
Right, I tell my narc to please, by all means, have the last word, make your point, then shut the hell up! I'd be ok with that, but the "shut the hell up" part never comes.
The universe owes me ..... I own the truth ... If I don’t get people to think the way I do , I’ve failed Chaos creates the distraction I need to survive I’m unlovable if I’m human and imperfect I need power supply to feel alive and valued Negative attention is attention
He was all of those things! I left him a week shy of our 5th MONTH wedding anniversary. I'm proud of myself for leaving before he broke me down. Now, I'm healing and learning to take my time to see how a person is before letting them into my bubble. Thank you for your dedication to educate others.
Congrats from breaking out in less than a year, but btw, there’s no such thing as an anniversary that’s not an integer number of years, because “anni” means year ;)
I agree and it definitely goes for the narcissistic female as well. I was totally blinded by the front my ex put on. When in the relationship for about 4 months, I shook my head and she flipped a switch.
The narc does want you to "think exactly like they think." YES. True. Just yesterday he told me, "You should say it this way....." Oh, and if I disagree....he plays the victim. Can I tell you I have seen all 7 in one night? Oh, my you are so accurate!
To an extent, but if they can’t get you to think like them, they just copy you and say it was their own thoughts and not yours since you’re clearly “less intelligent.”
1. Rationalize, esp. re: their controlling nature, 2. Deflect any problems back on to you. 3. Major need to appear certain, 4. Want to be entreated with favoritism. 5. Heavily critical and believe it's good and necessary ("I'm the standard bearer"), 6. Want you to make excuses on their behalf, 7. Constantly wear victim badge when you disagree with them. Disengage, Set boundaries. Live with calm confidence.
I am a caregiver for elderly and I have a strong suspicion that narcissism and dementia (some forms) are linked. What is delusional narcissism in a young person is 'dementia' in an older one. I used to think that they just got less good at manipulating, but now I think it's part of the same disease. I would love to see a study on the actual brain functions, but trying to get a covert narc into a study would be a challenge :)
My mother is 83 and in a memory care facility because of Dimentia which I truly believe it’s been from her Narcissist life...I cry after I visit her...it’s really sad to see how delusional she still is
I can see how there might be a connection. If nothing else -- it does seem as though the "population of their universe" has shrunk down to one: themselves. They become completely self-absorbed.
I would be interested to get a better understanding of this as well. My mother is a narc and has mixed vascular dementia with Alzheimer's. She has been an alcoholic for about 25yrs now.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for the comment that the narcissist is "neither the writer or director" of other people's lives. A very apt and helpful way to view these dynamics.
Yes, that comment connected with me too. Before I even knew the word narcissist, I used to say to my narc husband, "I am not going to follow your script." I didn't really understand what was going on at the time, but I felt like he was expecting me to say certain things. Turns out he was! This really is a thing! We're just characters in these people's motion pictures.
What’s even scarier is when professionals like judges and such don’t peep this over a span of many years or worse they co sign the behavior. We need psychologists to be judges not just attorneys 😣
Went to counseling with mine... The counselor asked, during the first meeting, asked him, "what do you think the problems are in the marriage?" His answer was, "I don't have any problems, they're all hers." The counselor's jaw almost hit the floor. He shook his head and asked me...my response was, "Well, that's my biggest problem. If all the problems in the marriage are mine, I can fix all my problems by divorcing him. "
I've recorded our conversations because of how delusional it is - and LITERALLY every single point you made can be heard in a 20 minute exchange. Unbelievable! The only thing my narc doesn't have is "anger" - I have never seen any emotion other than fake happy/normal and complete and utter disgust with people from him. Pray for me and our 3 year old baby girl - we've been split since she was 6 months old.
Lately I find myself listening to these videos after I've had to deal with one of my narcissists. I didn't realize that until today. So, this is like having a personal counselor right when you need one. Huh, I feel like a rich person. Thanks Dr. C.
Going though a divorce with a narcissist after 24 years together he divorced me through text message. Your videos help me so much. My STBX always would gaslight me and tell me I was crazy. I see now I wasn’t the problem it was him.
I can not tell you how much your videos help me... i have been married 35 years with Narcissistic man, so much wounding and pain. But you have helped me so much to learn about a condition that is completely out of my control. This one today was so helpful to give me foundation to stand on. So blessed with your helpful thoughts and guidance
Same, 33 years. These videos have given me the clarity and courage to believe in myself again because it was never me. Finally able to move out on my own in December! Scary, but a must for calm. Peace for all of us!
Me too - 31 years. Finally found the strength and courage to leave right before the pandemic and have never been happier, more at peace, or full of joy! Now all the insanity in the 31+ year relationship is making sense as I learn about narcissism and co-dependency. Am so so grateful to Dr. Carter. He is right on the money!
I deal with him constantly minimizing anything that is less than a pretty picture where everything is fine. Only willing to admit when things aren’t right if the blame lays on the other person. It’s a lose-lose because I’m the bad guy for pointing out any issues and I’m to blame for any issues. 😒
So spot on! Like a script!...the “tools” I am gaining have changed my life. I still get blindsided some... but the fall is so softer! ...The Narc seems so “patterned” you would think this personality would be more recognized. If I had only had a clue tears ago. But we weren’t programmed to see this in people I think? Or true manipulation & shame kept it in the shadows. I know I’m grateful for the light that keeps getting brighter ...& whew...it’s not another N train coming at me! This was great!! Thank you!
My Ex refused to go for counselling -premarital counselling despite having 3months to getting his act together. He tried to threaten me into submission-I refused and just said no problem and went on my way.He had been saying very strange things during the 9months I knew him.I have learnt one thing this year.Know yourself and your mind very well.Sometimes someone will say something very bizarre-know that your gut is trying to let you know there is something off.Know your standards.Dont let people try to dictate what YOU should accept or what YOU should tolerate.
This information gives me strength. I know the wrath that goes with standing in my truth and not engaging. It's worth it. They will not keep me down😤. I binge watch when I start doubting. Thank you so much🙏❤
Six years no contact with my narc mother in which time her "diagnosis" of me has apparently gone from "depressive" to "autistic" to "bipolar"... Hey ho! Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm SO much happier! 😊
My younger brother is the same and he thinks he has the right of treating me badly and say nasty things to me ... never saying sorry , waiting for me to say sorry for having the right to have my own point of view , defending myself... it is exhausting...
I wish my ex’s family could see this about my ex. I’ve talked to multiple phone counsellors since I left him because of sheer grief and desperation. And they’ve said he’s a classic covert narcissist. He has his family wrapped around his little finger though.
They can't handle having a conversation about them not being right! It stresses them out! I get anger from my husband when I don't want to do it his way.😟
A narcissist shunning you is a gift because in their delusional mind you already do not exist. So... you get a break from the unstable behaviors! Ok sounds good!
My Ex narc, would call his ex controlling. And with me discussing anything with him, he would always bounce whatever it was back on me. Then the name calling then the shut down. Now I am free! I have normal conversations now, with normal people.
They cannot tolerate a child living authentically. The child is supposed to be subservient and unquestioning. They'd rather live in their delusions than have a functional relationship with their family.
The narc I have been dealing with for 15 years is like dealing with a child. When she doesn’t get her way she throws a tantrum like a child. Using vulgar language, insulting and trying to bait me into more arguments. They only want to do things that are fun while all the adult responsibilities are put on my plate to deal with.
Unfortunately I'm still learning how to stay calm because having a whole life full of narcs, they still make me so angry and I know I am giving my power away.... I will think peace and try and conquer my anger and not get caught up in the 'word salad' that they spin.
God! Stopped trying to figure him out, I let it go for crazy, have went on with my life, better now, not worrying about a grown man, focused on my family..
I've just realised that narcissists want to have around only people who think like them, who are more or less like them. They are so terrified about everything so the only way to be in control and feel safe is to force everyone around to think and act like them and eliminate the ones that are different, who are potential threats. This is valid also in families, where they are in conflict with the children that are different, making them scapegoats and struggling to change them, make them on their own image (my case).
💯 right Doctor.C if I don’t agree with him and I give my opinion he turns it around and tells me that I’m attacking him. He blames me for everything that’s happened to him the past 13 years. He’s even blamed me for when he lost his job. I told him that he’s not forced to stay around . But his response is “ I don’t want to be alone”! And that he doesn’t want to leave his family. To me he doesn’t want to leave his supply.
If I had a penny for all of the times I heard, "You're attacking me" I would be so rich. What freakin' cowards that they actually feel like their being "attacked" when you just try to have a normal conversation with them and they don't like what you have to say.
My ex used to blame me for speeding tickets. According to him I would call the police station and give them the time/route so they can pull him over to give a ticket.
I’ve never met a “certain” narcissist. My experience with them is that nothing is certain, and that’s how they can change the “truth” to fit their situational needs.
The trouble is, the symptoms are intoxicating. They get power and self esteem boost, when the root cause is self esteem issues. Anyone that reduces their source of power or self esteem, or makes them look at themselves, is seen as bad and selfish. They cannot understand the problem is with them, because, well, your not acquiescing. Everything is fine when you acquiesce, and when you don't, well, they can only logically see that you have changed for the worse.
I just told the narcissist last night that I want him out by Dec. 15, after 6 months of waiting for him to go by asking nicely... ALL of these weapons came out to try to knock me back "into my place." Let's hope the next four weeks go fast. Thank you Dr. C for these weekly reminders.
I remember my awakening moment with my narcissistic ex. I realized thatbI live in a world where I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I would suffer both and any way. That was the first thing I started to search and slowly the other characteristics appeared that I started to research. I'm so grateful for the contents available on the internet today.
I too remember my awakening moment. I had just earned an advanced degree and my college drop out narc apparently couldn't handle it so he was punishing with the silent treatment. We went into the grocery store together (silently) and he saw his sister and completely changed personalities in front of my eyes. I watched him turn into a completely normal person in his interactions with her. That was the beginning of the end after 26 years together. Took me 14 months before I stumbled onto the actual word narcissist but when I did I said, "That's it! That's exactly what I've been dealing with." I knew something wasn't right and my extensive internet research saved me! I am woke now for sure!
that s exactly where I am at. And I sure have gotten all the treatment you have described from the narcissist. The gaslighting keeps coming, but I'm not buying it, Ive been smeared, slandered, and all the rest. But, no matter what, I will never be as miserable as him. That's impossible. You have helped me a lot, Thank you!
YES to all 7 points! Now I'm ready to interact with the NAC who lives with us. I try to stay away from this person, but when I have to approach him, I prepare by listening to you...getting strong and holding firmly onto the truth. Thank you Dr. C :)
I am actually laughing at the accuracy of all of this. This is so on point. I’ve seen all of these and I agree they do think they have it all figured out and they have nothing left to learn. If I barely speak it’s called shouting but they don’t see their tone or behaviour even when it is pointed out or recorded. These videos are great help as they clarify and help me deal with what really happened so I thank you sir.
When you step back and can see it from hindsight perspective, it's like every argument was an argument with themselves. It's like their delusions are fighting reality. Bc not one assumption about what I was doing, saying or thinking was ever perceived by my ex correctly. And once you try to correct their delusions that's when the argument begins. It really is crazy making!
Certainty example. We live in my home town. Small place nothing exciting. Went from city to back home. He said today "I promise you this. If we stay here, especially our kids, then nothing good will happen for us. No opportunities n future." Literally said that.... Then continued to trash talk my home town and shame me for living here and blah blah blah.
He wants to move to the city again... And trying to get me to agree and go along with his plan. Says it'll be better because it's better than where we are and things will be better because of it... Word salad to the max.
"YOU don't need that" "WE (you) need to do this now" "Theres nothing there or in it for ME" "I'M suffocating here & need to go out (drunk driving) "Locks & Laws were meant to keep honest people honest" "I have the right to do what I want in my house" "I was FIRST"
He used to call me delusional amongst other really mean nasty things and this video was validation that he was projecting who he was on to me. Thank you Dr. C I would love for you to do a video about projection and the narcissist.
Call one of them out and watch what I call the, flip-flop-pretzel twist, your the problem, if you don't see it my way. Thank you for these videos Dr. C, they help me to step back and see the truth.
You have just shown me, after three hellish months, what I have endured with my daughter. There is a complete estrangement. It will never change. She can’t change. I won’t change now I have woken up! Thank you.
Yes, there's a huge relief to finally accept that they are the ones who lack the ability to reason with our truth. Even if you pacify them . After mine got thru destroying me yesterday, I decided to just agree with them to stop the game, and they argued about that too. Totally changed sides to their own argument. So basically pretended that my stance was their argument now. I was dumbfounded.
epic bombshell. OMG. I know a few narcissists EXACTLY LIKE THIS. You just blew my mind. More importantly... I think the most important thing to notice is that they operate from FEAR. At some time in their life, they got hurt ( probably often ),... and they decided their modus operandi was to CONTROL everything and everyone as a result. WOW.
Mine has the most impeccable memory i have EVER witnessed. If something got moved an inch; she knows...music, she knows what month of what yr it came out....she can tell u birthdates/addresses/personal info of everyone shes ever encountered...its crazy.......but when it comes to people she saw/talked to (exes)/ questions i ask about something that doesnt make sense, she cant remember or doesnt know
You help me so much! I’m going through all this for 7 years. They’re starting to make mistakes and I am aware. I have a clear conscience. I’m following legal documents.
I remember one instance with a friend that I'd mentioned I was going with childhood friends (we all went to primary/high school together in a different state than where I live now. We all knew one another's siblings so we had a history together of a LOT of years) on vacation. We'd rented a house on the beach for a week, determined who was driving and who was bringing what for food for the week, money had been paid, rooming was also decided - the house was packed. The SUV was filled and limited parking at the other end. Another friend was driving to meet us as she lived in the South. I mentioned this to another friend who lives where I live now - she didn't know any of these other friends - she tried to invite herself and said how could one more person put anyone out! I was stunned. She didn't care that she'd blow up other's vacation plans - as long as her needs were met AND she wanted ME to get that done for her! When I told her that wasn't possible and explained the reasons 'why', that's when the back stabbing started behind the scenes with her playing the victim and one of her flying monkeys took a run at me the following week at a festival! I think she felt that because she was my friend, that gave her certain entitlements that others didn't have. In retrospect, I think she didn't understand that it was healthy to have a lot of different friends that you want to go and do with - especially those who you share a good deal of history with - she was totally threatened by that.
1 they rationalize their control over you 2 they will constantly deflect any kind of problem back on you 3 they have a major need to appear certain, black/white thinking 4 they have mini indicators that they want to be treated better than others, want to feel special 5 they are heavily critical, believe that it’s a good and necessary thing to be 6 they have a very strong need to turn people into their apologist, you have to do exactly as they do 7 they constantly wear the victim badge when you disagree with them
It's truly horrid and can be traumatic to experience let alone endure battering comments, intimidation and fits of rage from a narcissist, especially if the narcissist is a loved one. This video is so very helpful/insightful to the schemes, games and ploys of the narcissist let alone their delusional way of thinking etc.
Terrible growing up with a narc sibling. Raged with jealousy when i was diagnosed with cancer because she assumed I would get loads of attention for it, from emotionally distant parents.(???? made no sense ) Penny finally dropped, and I keep away now. That's the safest thing to do. Also pruned off any mutual friends, which she made by assuming my familiarity with anyhow. They weren't smart enough to work out she did nothing to acquire their friendship. Terrible. They do such terrible damage. Run, and take very kind and loving care of yourselves.
My NARC is involved with the Native American Veterans. Funny thing is he has absolutely NO NATIVE AMERICAN in his Ancestry at all.. but I do on both sides of my family. He also is a 36 yr recoverd addict and never relapsed. To pump his ego up he still goes to NA meetings to show off his years clean when he really needs to get out of kindergarten (meetings) and speak in public about the subject of addiction to help others. As for the NATIVE pow wowing and staff carrying..this again is for attention and the feeling of power. As for the Veteran part of this he only spent 1 year in the Navy court ordered for multiple DUI's and ended up thrown out honorable of course. He absolutely must feel superior to anyone around him. I have brought these thoughts/feelings I have about this to him on many occasions and it falls on deaf ears. So, the Delusions you speak of Dr. Carter are very Complex and Real.
I have walked away from all in my life who fit this category. So many things that just didn't make any sense, I can now see for what they are. Thank you for your educational videos.
This video grealty illustrates all the reasons why no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it to work it could never happen. His delusional and paranoid thinking truly made it impossible and many times dangerous. " I am unable to reason with an unreasonable person" is 🔥
Ah...certainty! They're all about definite statements! Especially the use of the words 'always' and 'never', because they can neither spell, or pronounce, 'unequivocally'. lol
Sign up for Dr. Carter's brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/go/freetobeyoutube/
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12+qq1
Vintage Audio that taught poor people sfmkm.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_59.html they weren't paid enough.
@@steponme1343 I would like to know too!
@@steponme1343 kk
I hope you ALL are able to enjoy the course! I haven't been allowed to use /open any links. Have fun!! 💪🔥🥰
They think their critical behavior is justified, yet they can’t handle even the slightest criticism themselves.
1) They are always the victim
2) life is a score card. every interaction is a transaction
3) there is only one correct way in how anything is done - theirs
4) they got a raw deal hence everyone owes them
5) whoever does not follow their assigned "role" is defective
6) they are extremely paranoid
7) they don't believe they need help nor even want it
I agree! Everything is always somebody else's fault... Always!
Agreed you described my sister so well. She went no contact with me hoping I would grovel to her and she ain't getting it. No contact back at you. Freedom from the abuse.
Nicely done.
Have a great day!
I have never known that someone could be so delusional...blame everyone else so easily & justify in their mind they are right. ....such pathological liars!!! And then they believe & act out their lies. It gets so twisted.
9) The flying monkeys-how are they so trainable?
Talking to a true narcissist is like listening to radio. It's not talking, interaction. It's information, propaganda and orders. You are just audience. You better be low key.
You put it so precisely! One-sided, meaningless "conversations" (monologues) without any respect towards the other person... They love listening to themselves.
I listen to UCB that's a Christian radio station, it's great and you can phone-in e-mail to presenters.
@@gloriacoleman7012 ?
That's a brilliant way to express it. The only thing they want to hear is: "Yessir!" (or "Yes, ma'am!").
We used to call my SIL radio liz
They think they are smarter than anyone in the room and will tell you so. Never wrong never say sorry. Always right live in another world. No insight no empathy. Always first and so so entitled
You explained the narcissist I have dealt with for 40 plus years. Not one time in all of those years did they ever say I am sorry, I was wrong. Not once, when they were 99% of the time.
And VERY notorious for "running away" when confronted.......and that's huge!!! Thank you Dr Carter.............
Exactly. Total cowards!!
I laughed at that one, it's so true.
@@PiscesinVa My aunt ( the pious family "matriarch") NEVER confronts me face-to-face, she condemns me with scripture & sends me to hell. What a coward! Her texts are dissertations which averages about 8 inches long or longer (with a reduced font) Also, she's the only one of my mom (who is also a narc) siblings that has a college degree & the rest of the family are idiots. Therefore we bide our time awaiting for direction that only auntie can give....NOT!
Not even running away but inventing all sorts of strategies to prevent you from even speaking out what is not ok:
- word salad
- raising their voice and interrupting you one million times per minute, making it totally impossible to speak
- saying they don't want to discuss "anything in the past" (even if that past is like 2 minutes ago 😋)
- deflecting
- changing the subject
I agree. They are cowards at best...
Living with calm confidence means boundary setting with a narcissistic . Walk away. Life is too short for toxic drama. ✅
daughter of patriots, you are absolutely right
No contact rocks!
AMEN!!!
How can you walk away when it's your own mother... She said "don't call me mom"
@@tonyajohnson4372 how are you dear
My domineering mother once said to me, "I'm not trying to control you. You can do anything you like. All I ask is that you run it by me first."
Zero insight! Dr. C
The last day my (ex) narc husband was here I told him I didn't feel like I could talk to him and was always walking on eggshells. He said, "If you can't say what you want to say, that's your problem. Say what you want. If I don't like it, I'll just shut you down."
They definitely do not live in reality.
To the narcissist, reality is an aggression
So in other words, they are insane. See definition below :
insane- in a state of mind which prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill.
Yes indeed, the pathological ones are like you just have described. It’s not a rocket since to figure that out.
@@rolandasrol4621 you meant rocket science? Maybe for some people it's easy to figure out. Those people usually don't watch these types of videos because they got out early. You don't know everyone's situation, if this is a parent and you were raised this way or in a romantic relationship for a long time, the person may doubt their sanity with these types. I left my comment to help others who may need to read it, not for some snide comment about rocket science. Good Day Rolandas.
They do fit the definition of being insane.
I waver between insane and evil.
Once I finally realized what was being done to me, my mind could not comprehend their actions being intentional.
These people claimed they loved me.
I justified their behavior.
I must be a slow learner.
It took me a bit to understand it was all intentional.
That's when I started to think they must be evil.
I treat them accordingly.
It's sad that I'm not with him anymore, I love him but I don't like him anymore and I don't trust him, it's nice to have peace in my life
I totally get it
U rock Cathy. It eats ya right up, I feel you big time, and I hope you stay strong with all that, my wishes out to y’all ❤️ it’s such a freakin weird feeling just getting out, like holding your breath for years
Thank you Cathy, your comment is very encouraging. Planning my exit now to a healthier life. Blessings.
"I'm looking out for your best interests." They make HORRIBLE bosses. You are always wrong. You are always the problem.
Or when your parents justify their abuse with this phrase...even worse
And it's very hard to set boundaries when they are your boss.
I worked for an Air Force colonel who was a flaming narsi. Half of the squadron was in a stress relief class the base psychologist organized. Worst two years of my career. I survived by avoiding him as much as possible.
Sad....many are quite intelligent and know how to look good and get promoted and placed in positions of authority....as long as higher ups see results, they are ambivalent that narc-supervisors are killing their subordinates....and of course, the narc supervisor is expert at covering tracks if subordinates walk....it’s the subordinate’s fault always....we had a team sergeant in Afghanistan like that....my section always had our own break contact plans on operations if we took heavy fire because we weren’t going to let this a-hole get us killed for his glory ...and we weren’t about to cover his back either ...hate is a strong word and God forgive me but I still hate this guy as do many others
@@sl2608 i am an assistant to a judge and just gave notice i am leaving to work for another judge. Worst week of my career. Best decision ever. The games, shame, shunning, childish behavior is playing out for all to see. It is pitiful and embarrassing to see a grown man act like this.
When the narcissist is over 50, just walk away you'll never ever reach them as a human.
I think it starts earlier than that.
@@mitina08 Sure it does, but older ones are beyond any reason.
You are absolutely right!
@@mitina08 yep dated a narc who was 45 at that time.
@John Cleet because human brain stops to grow. Everybody's in different age. Narcist's... at 0?
More on the human radio 📻
My dad used to have monologues all the time. Wasn't satisfied until he had hijacked and could lecture for 10 minutes.
He had two favourite tactics.
1: If you stated something, anything, he said "Now hold your horses " You got nervous, and lost the ball. A quite shitty thing to do to a kid. It felt like you had lost the plot, right from the start. Very effective. Then he could rant.
2: Asking totally impossible questions, like "Do you know how mercury behaves i water?" or "Do you know who Tesla was?"
He only asked stuff he knew you didn't understand. You got insecure, and lost the ball in a second.
He's such a prime example of a covert narcissist.
Thank you, Dr C, for giving me that term : covert narcissist. Brilliant!
I've found the more I try to explain the more trouble I get into. Liberation came when I realized I didn't have to explain anything to them. It's my decision, and that's that! So one of my favorite lines:
"Well, that's one way to look at it."
I agree 100% with you, the more you try to explain (idea,views,opinion,etc) the more trouble you get into.
your right, they really are not interested in your reply other than to throw you off and degrade you in every way they do. so I just say , ok really hmhm and literaly that's all ive said for yrs now and he couldn't care less. and the truth I couldn't care less now what he thinks about me any how. hahaha its gets to be really funny after you find yourself again and know that your OKAY x
@@kzitro4346 And it's a waste of energy. It's funny because sometimes it's like dealing with a drunk. In the morning they don't remember what they said! What's that saying if you tell the truth you don't need a good memory? Yes, it's all made up in their mind.
After 45 years watching my narc hubby, I've resorted to just saying, after his nonstop argueing, "Interesting! What are you going to do about it then?!" " It's obvious you don't need my opinion, you've already made up your twisted mind...so just go with it if it makes you feel better!"
Yes! If I simply try to explain something he yells "why are you arguing with me?!"
I’m so grateful for how the general population is waking up to this and related disorders. I am so grateful for all the RUclips therapists who helped me recognize my codependency and attraction to narcissists. Now I’m so “woke” to these types, I’m able to spot them in fairly short order. I’m no longer afraid to date because healthy self love makes me invulnerable to narcissists. I stay in my body when I’m with others and my gut registers even the most subtle put down. I’m so excited about my future! Something wonderful is possible for me now! Thanks, Doc❣️
Hello hope you're having a great day it took me 9 years to wake up LOL
Happy for your realizations!
Yes! I’m glad I understand this now. I now know that I’m not completely broken and that I have hope 💕
You’re a sweet person. I hope you’ve found your happiness.
You betcha 💙
It's so hard when they are family because I felt for years that you're stuck with them forever. I was wrong about that. I should never had held into my entire life thinking I had to be attached to them for the rest of my life because they were "blood" . You don't have to and shouldn't wreck your life trying to hold onto a family that's willing to bring your whole life down. DONT DO IT
You are so right. Well said.
Thank you for this reminder 🙏 it's very much appreciated. Love and blessings to you
That is the truth.!! Hardest ones in life to have to block, they will not stop untill they destroy you. Chosen family is the answer for sure. Freedom is in every step you take away from them
When it's family it makes the holidays hell
Narcs totally rationize their rude comments too. "I'm not rude, I'm just being honest with you."
Over the last 22 years my narcissistic sister-in-law never passed up an opportunity to tell me privately or in front of her friends, "we're not friends, we're not close, we just get along." One day I decided to ask her why she felt the need to keep saying that to me, but I asked in front of my husband and father-in-law (I had never told either she had been saying this to me). With an initial look of horror on her face, she then clasped her hands together as if in prayer and put on her best angelic face and said, "I would never say something like that to you or anyone else."
She later took me aside and asked me why I embarrassed her like that. She said, "Would you rather I lie about our relationship? I was just being honest."
Wow. We both have a narc for a SIL! Aren’t they fantastic pieces of work? Worst thing is, she also controls my narcissistic husband and to watch them interact, the body language is palpable as English is not their second language. I always knew they were ‘off’ but it wasn’t until I discovered what narcissistic people were, I really thought it was me inciting the trouble I constantly found myself in with these people.
Nice
My sister calls it she's being direct
It is truly difficult to deal with narrow minded people , when they also think they are always right.
Since I know more now about the reasons why they are this way, such as limited acceptance of input, lack of self reflection and empathy, I refrain from interacting with them on a personal level.
@Ardro Tokes , I am expressing here that it is a waste of time and effort to get deeply engaged with delusional people .
"I'm over you"
"You just don't matter to me anymore"
Perfect sentences to get the narcissist...to..finally.... realize you are a very poor source of supply for them.
I wouldn’t say it to the violent type though 😬
Or depending on the value they see, or how they are that might be to them....." challenge accepted " you get all kinds with these creatures
@@patriciawalker7190 They can only "do this" if you stay there long enough to allow it. You can always walk away, close the door, hang up the phone, or drive away at the 15 minute mark and save yourself the extra hour and 45 minutes.
Yes.66 years of our DIVA BROTHER we are all so sick of him, he makes GOSSIP, havoc, makes dreadful wedges between me & children-AN UGLY LITTLE man!!
Also a very good way of getting them to come back at you 20 times harder and god only knows what else. Dont play with fire. Don’t say a word, just let it be.
My ex husband would often say "Why do you only remember the bad things" because the majority of the time that's how it was.
Being in love with someone like this messes with you so much. Wow, who knew. So dysfunctional. Still trying to feel clean and clear headed after months broken up.
I also left 2 weeks ago. As time goes on i feel a bit clear. I need more time to be completely out of it. I have welling anger. These videos help
Try being raised by one ...
Watch out in the future Lyka, as a 'trained' source of supply, its possible youre exhibiting subtle behaviors that tell roving narc predators that you are a candidate for abuse. I had a series of narc relationships because of this and i still dont know what the signals or signs I have been broadcasting are, i just know that I attract narc women like a moths to a flame, so im really carefull about who I let in.
Go easy on yourself
My crazy, schizophrenic, alcoholic she/beast of a Mother claimed to have a degree in psychology. If you questioned her, she would snap, I read ALL the books, meaning in the two Mississippi colleges she attended @ late 1950's -early 1960's. None of her dates or years add up, including my ALTERED birth certificate. She has some kind of history degree that enabled her to teach high school ( she has been for d from EVERY job). Are there laws.that prevent people from making false claims about their college transcripts, degrees and certifications? The ONLY thing people respond to is lawsuits, prison time and paying fines.
They have breaks in time/memory and invent stories to cover the missing parts. They believe that what they are remembering is true. They do not remember they are a sacred being with a calling, purpose and gifts but when they are triggered they come into contact with that truth. Since, they checked out from themselves early in life (to protect themselves/to survive an unsafe environment), they constantly run the 'I'm-alone-story' of the wounded child. Their trauma detoured them from developing their true self and they expect others to carry them instead of learning to walk. They generate drama and their own suffering instead of generating solutions. When we see the 3-year old driving the car heading in our direction, it is best for our energy and mental health to get out of their way. When we develop proactive boundaries that cultivate authenticity and truth telling in a way that is safe, we graduate from our old stories and consciously create new stories. Choose your truth.
This is my N exactly. I was struggling with the “how can you say that is what happened? Where did you come up with that story?”... this has become a major issue lately! It makes sense now. He is filling in the missing gaps & making it all my fault! He BELIEVES the stories he has made up! Of course he is a pathological liar too!
Wow, this is deep and true
Mine makes up situations like they really happened...its crazy
_"They do not remember they are a sacred being with a calling, purpose and gifts..."_
What the fuck is this shit? Do you have any evidence for that at all? You're accusing narcissists of misremembering and making shit up and you ironically, in the same breath show that you have zero self awareness whatsoever. You don't choose your truth. Things are true with or without you. How will you distinguish between your baseless made up horseshit and that of a narcissist and how can you justify telling them they're wrong when, just like you, they "choose their truth"? How can you expect anyone to take your word over that of anyone else's if your basis is completely absent? Your words are exactly as empty as that of a narcissist or terrorist. All you have is what you believe and wish for and you have nothing to show for. Isn't it time to rethink the basis of your beliefs and choose one that is reliable and existent regardless of your opinion, so that you don't even always have to show that you're right because other people can just check it on their own?
Well spoken 💝
They're delusional to the point that, very often, they don't understand that one might give in just to get them off one's back.
My freedom came when I realized that they brought nothing worthwhile to my life. I was so emotionally battered having had three in my family of origin, a significant other and a couple of lifelong friends who all had heavy narcasisstic traits. I was a social worker and a giver and, boy, did they take!! Once I gently disconnected, I realized how upsetting and negative I'd allowed them to make my life. I am much happier, healthier, calmer and financially well off now that I set myself free. And I have time for positive new relationships.
Yeah, you're giving, I'm taking, so what's your problem!
And my fave, if you don't see it my way, you're obviously in denial or having a break with reality.
My husband’s favorite question: “So what do you think You did wrong?” 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Answer: Hanging out with you. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Precisely ❤️
I’m divorcing a narcissist and it’s interesting to say the least. Glad I watched this . He’s watching what he says as he knows I’ll have it in writing via text his words. His words are always weapons. I’m going to watch this several times and need calm confidence right now .
You can do it. Indeed, stay calm, once you figure out how his narcissism works, you are the winning one. Good luck!!
Yes, text messaging is the best tool in dealing with a narc. It's all recorded.
Once you know how they operate, it's like getting a manual. It's crazy how predictable they become. God bless, I divorced mine in June and feel lighter every day
Hi Julie, I want to wish you much strength,,,especially going the a divorce. You're doing exactly what you need to be in keeping a journal. One of the most toxic Narcissistic repellents is to always stand in your truth F.Y.I., check out Rebecca Zung's RUclips channel. She's a divorce lawyer who specializes in Narcissism. She even has a couple books out that you may find beneficial.
@@t.l.7733 I'm in a similar situation to Julie. I just checked out Rebecca Zung and I've subscribed! Thank you so much for recommending her channel.
My ex husband had a delusion about our whole marriage, and when I didn't act the way his delusion said I should he got mad at me, sometimes he would look at me as though he didn't recognize me.
Narcissists always seem like they have a need to have the last word. When I have said," I'm done," their reply is LMAO. They have a total lack of reasonable self-awareness or responsibility.
Im laughing because I have used so many "last word GIF's!" to his texts. He just cant help himself!
Right, I tell my narc to please, by all means, have the last word, make your point, then shut the hell up! I'd be ok with that, but the "shut the hell up" part never comes.
@@rvh77 That's what Sean Connery said to Barbra Walters. Can't say what he was talking about, but we know.
yessss that's my sister
You are helping me TREMENDOUSLY 💗
You spoke the very thought that was on my mind. Dr.Carter is an amazing support for reassuring that we are not the crazy ones.
So pleased! Dr. C
Dr C is a huge part of my awakening! Many thanks to him and his insight!
What a blessing and lifeline!!!!
Absolutely 😊
The universe owes me .....
I own the truth ...
If I don’t get people to think the way I do , I’ve failed
Chaos creates the distraction I need to survive
I’m unlovable if I’m human and imperfect
I need power supply to feel alive and valued
Negative attention is attention
He copied that from my paper!
Halarious..good one
I totally agree with every word you wrote here! And let's add another important one: "The Sun is orbiting around me." 🤣🤣🤣
Forgot one ....selective memory 😜😜😜😜
And...they’d rather be admired by strangers than loved by their family
They deflect all of their traits and flaws on you
He was all of those things! I left him a week shy of our 5th MONTH wedding anniversary. I'm proud of myself for leaving before he broke me down. Now, I'm healing and learning to take my time to see how a person is before letting them into my bubble. Thank you for your dedication to educate others.
You are wise and very lucky to have gotten out. Wishing you the very best for a better future ahead.
Congrats from breaking out in less than a year, but btw, there’s no such thing as an anniversary that’s not an integer number of years, because “anni” means year ;)
Wish I had been smart as you are.
Wow you were very clued up - well done!
I have heard these monsters start their destructive behaviors the day after the wedding.
67 people hit dislike button. They all delusional thinkers. Dr Carter you are great man. Wise man. Thanks for educating us. Love u
Love is not deep enough to fill the emptiness inside of a narcissistic man...
they are devoid of those kind of emotions.
Yes, they are empty inside, never to be filled.
I agree and it definitely goes for the narcissistic female as well. I was totally blinded by the front my ex put on. When in the relationship for about 4 months, I shook my head and she flipped a switch.
They always blame you to shift the focus of their abuse
The narc does want you to "think exactly like they think." YES. True. Just yesterday he told me, "You should say it this way....." Oh, and if I disagree....he plays the victim. Can I tell you I have seen all 7 in one night? Oh, my you are so accurate!
You must tell it another way. I watched videos about comparativism and prescriptivism in linguistics.
You can be my bff!
Same here!!!
To an extent, but if they can’t get you to think like them, they just copy you and say it was their own thoughts and not yours since you’re clearly “less intelligent.”
Righttttttt!!! “If I was in that situation- I would think !” Trying to get me to be delusional.
They just want you to enable them in ANY way.
By the way, its never good enough
And that explains why their behavior is so contradicting.
I love that, "I am not going to filter my decisions through you" and them being found out. Great word Dr. Les!
1. Rationalize, esp. re: their controlling nature, 2. Deflect any problems back on to you. 3. Major need to appear certain, 4. Want to be entreated with favoritism. 5. Heavily critical and believe it's good and necessary ("I'm the standard bearer"), 6. Want you to make excuses on their behalf, 7. Constantly wear victim badge when you disagree with them. Disengage, Set boundaries. Live with calm confidence.
I am a caregiver for elderly and I have a strong suspicion that narcissism and dementia (some forms) are linked. What is delusional narcissism in a young person is 'dementia' in an older one. I used to think that they just got less good at manipulating, but now I think it's part of the same disease. I would love to see a study on the actual brain functions, but trying to get a covert narc into a study would be a challenge :)
Thats interesting, Ive thought the same around addictions and alcoholism.
I've wondered this as well .
My mother is 83 and in a memory care facility because of Dimentia which I truly believe it’s been from her Narcissist life...I cry after I visit her...it’s really sad to see how delusional she still is
I can see how there might be a connection. If nothing else -- it does seem as though the "population of their universe" has shrunk down to one: themselves. They become completely self-absorbed.
I would be interested to get a better understanding of this as well. My mother is a narc and has mixed vascular dementia with Alzheimer's. She has been an alcoholic for about 25yrs now.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm okay and my narc is not.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for the comment that the narcissist is "neither the writer or director" of other people's lives. A very apt and helpful way to view these dynamics.
The narc is writer or director of others lives. So true.
Yes, that comment connected with me too. Before I even knew the word narcissist, I used to say to my narc husband, "I am not going to follow your script." I didn't really understand what was going on at the time, but I felt like he was expecting me to say certain things. Turns out he was! This really is a thing! We're just characters in these people's motion pictures.
What’s even scarier is when professionals like judges and such don’t peep this over a span of many years or worse they co sign the behavior. We need psychologists to be judges not just attorneys 😣
I remember going to counseling with my husband and he desperately asked the counselor "What do I do when she doesn't agree"!?!?! LOL
He'd just coerce and coerce. Not a good strategy. Dr. C
The only answer is OBEY. He must obey wiser person.
Dogs obey their owner, people DECIDE what they want to do.
Went to counseling with mine... The counselor asked, during the first meeting, asked him, "what do you think the problems are in the marriage?" His answer was, "I don't have any problems, they're all hers." The counselor's jaw almost hit the floor. He shook his head and asked me...my response was, "Well, that's my biggest problem. If all the problems in the marriage are mine, I can fix all my problems by divorcing him. "
🤣👌🏼
I've recorded our conversations because of how delusional it is - and LITERALLY every single point you made can be heard in a 20 minute exchange. Unbelievable! The only thing my narc doesn't have is "anger" - I have never seen any emotion other than fake happy/normal and complete and utter disgust with people from him. Pray for me and our 3 year old baby girl - we've been split since she was 6 months old.
Lately I find myself listening to these videos after I've had to deal with one of my narcissists. I didn't realize that until today. So, this is like having a personal counselor right when you need one. Huh, I feel like a rich person. Thanks Dr. C.
So pleased! Keep learning. Dr. C
I totally agree !!!
Going though a divorce with a narcissist after 24 years together he divorced me through text message. Your videos help me so much. My STBX always would gaslight me and tell me I was crazy. I see now I wasn’t the problem it was him.
I’m very thankful and grateful that I got away from him after torture by my ex narc for over 4 years. My life is so calmer and peaceful everyday 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I can not tell you how much your videos help me... i have been married 35 years with Narcissistic man, so much wounding and pain. But you have helped me so much to learn about a condition that is completely out of my control. This one today was so helpful to give me foundation to stand on. So blessed with your helpful thoughts and guidance
Same, 33 years. These videos have given me the clarity and courage to believe in myself again because it was never me. Finally able to move out on my own in December! Scary, but a must for calm. Peace for all of us!
Me too! 32 years! I had NO clue but knew I didn’t like it but I just couldn’t figure it out.
Me too - 31 years. Finally found the strength and courage to leave right before the pandemic and have never been happier, more at peace, or full of joy! Now all the insanity in the 31+ year relationship is making sense as I learn about narcissism and co-dependency. Am so so grateful to Dr. Carter. He is right on the money!
I deal with him constantly minimizing anything that is less than a pretty picture where everything is fine. Only willing to admit when things aren’t right if the blame lays on the other person.
It’s a lose-lose because I’m the bad guy for pointing out any issues and I’m to blame for any issues. 😒
So spot on! Like a script!...the “tools” I am gaining have changed my life. I still get blindsided some... but the fall is so softer! ...The Narc seems so “patterned” you would think this personality would be more recognized. If I had only had a clue tears ago. But we weren’t programmed to see this in people I think? Or true manipulation & shame kept it in the shadows. I know I’m grateful for the light that keeps getting brighter ...& whew...it’s not another N train coming at me!
This was great!! Thank you!
stay strong and know your well loved by good people and believe in you x
You give me hope.
"I'll live with calm confidence."
Words to live by. Thank you.
My Ex refused to go for counselling -premarital counselling despite having 3months to getting his act together. He tried to threaten me into submission-I refused and just said no problem and went on my way.He had been saying very strange things during the 9months I knew him.I have learnt one thing this year.Know yourself and your mind very well.Sometimes someone will say something very bizarre-know that your gut is trying to let you know there is something off.Know your standards.Dont let people try to dictate what YOU should accept or what YOU should tolerate.
This information gives me strength. I know the wrath that goes with standing in my truth and not engaging. It's worth it. They will not keep me down😤. I binge watch when I start doubting. Thank you so much🙏❤
Be strong, you may overcome troubles.
stay strong and know your well loved by many others who cross your life. you can do it xx
Amen! ✌💪❤🙏🍻
Six years no contact with my narc mother in which time her "diagnosis" of me has apparently gone from "depressive" to "autistic" to "bipolar"... Hey ho! Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm SO much happier! 😊
Every time my brother opens his mouth - one of these is evident.
Same problem with my brother. What a waste of time!
My younger brother is the same and he thinks he has the right of treating me badly and say nasty things to me ... never saying sorry , waiting for me to say sorry for having the right to have my own point of view , defending myself... it is exhausting...
I wish my ex’s family could see this about my ex. I’ve talked to multiple phone counsellors since I left him because of sheer grief and desperation. And they’ve said he’s a classic covert narcissist. He has his family wrapped around his little finger though.
They can't handle having a conversation about them not being right! It stresses them out! I get anger from my husband when I don't want to do it his way.😟
FREE to a good home: Worn out Flying Monkey with broken wings. Sensitive to loud noises.
Love it! Nothing like some homemade sarcasm served on a platter! Thanks your comment made me laugh! Lol
😂
Good to know I am not the only one that doesn't do loud noises.. growing up in chaos made me appreciate serenity so much 💜
@@lexalily8673 Lexa, I can't handle it. God alone knows how I'd cope as a United States Marine Corp recruit...
Haha funny
A narcissist shunning you is a gift because in their delusional mind you already do not exist. So... you get a break from the unstable behaviors! Ok sounds good!
When he'd "punish" me by not talking....it was a vacation.
@@demondogmom7221 lol exactly! Lol
My Ex narc, would call his ex controlling. And with me discussing anything with him, he would always bounce whatever it was back on me. Then the name calling then the shut down. Now I am free! I have normal conversations now, with normal people.
They cannot tolerate a child living authentically. The child is supposed to be subservient and unquestioning. They'd rather live in their delusions than have a functional relationship with their family.
The narc I have been dealing with for 15 years is like dealing with a child. When she doesn’t get her way she throws a tantrum like a child. Using vulgar language, insulting and trying to bait me into more arguments. They only want to do things that are fun while all the adult responsibilities are put on my plate to deal with.
Unfortunately I'm still learning how to stay calm because having a whole life full of narcs, they still make me so angry and I know I am giving my power away.... I will think peace and try and conquer my anger and not get caught up in the 'word salad' that they spin.
Borderline personality is in the same house but living in a different as such. Very similar traits and patterns so worth looking into.
God! Stopped trying to figure him out, I let it go for crazy, have went on with my life, better now, not worrying about a grown man, focused on my family..
I've just realised that narcissists want to have around only people who think like them, who are more or less like them. They are so terrified about everything so the only way to be in control and feel safe is to force everyone around to think and act like them and eliminate the ones that are different, who are potential threats. This is valid also in families, where they are in conflict with the children that are different, making them scapegoats and struggling to change them, make them on their own image (my case).
So true, the only peace you get is when they are off torturing someone else. And these ppl are everywhere
💯 right Doctor.C if I don’t agree with him and I give my opinion he turns it around and tells me that I’m attacking him. He blames me for everything that’s happened to him the past 13 years. He’s even blamed me for when he lost his job. I told him that he’s not forced to stay around . But his response is “ I don’t want to be alone”! And that he doesn’t want to leave his family. To me he doesn’t want to leave his supply.
If I had a penny for all of the times I heard, "You're attacking me" I would be so rich. What freakin' cowards that they actually feel like their being "attacked" when you just try to have a normal conversation with them and they don't like what you have to say.
My ex used to blame me for speeding tickets. According to him I would call the police station and give them the time/route so they can pull him over to give a ticket.
I’ve never met a “certain” narcissist. My experience with them is that nothing is certain, and that’s how they can change the “truth” to fit their situational needs.
The people that dislike this video ARE DELUSIONAL.
The deceived will go on to deceive....they really do believe their own lies....
So correct. Dr. C
Do as I say, not as I do...
The trouble is, the symptoms are intoxicating. They get power and self esteem boost, when the root cause is self esteem issues. Anyone that reduces their source of power or self esteem, or makes them look at themselves, is seen as bad and selfish. They cannot understand the problem is with them, because, well, your not acquiescing. Everything is fine when you acquiesce, and when you don't, well, they can only logically see that you have changed for the worse.
I just told the narcissist last night that I want him out by Dec. 15, after 6 months of waiting for him to go by asking nicely... ALL of these weapons came out to try to knock me back "into my place." Let's hope the next four weeks go fast. Thank you Dr. C for these weekly reminders.
I remember my awakening moment with my narcissistic ex. I realized thatbI live in a world where I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I would suffer both and any way. That was the first thing I started to search and slowly the other characteristics appeared that I started to research. I'm so grateful for the contents available on the internet today.
I too remember my awakening moment. I had just earned an advanced degree and my college drop out narc apparently couldn't handle it so he was punishing with the silent treatment. We went into the grocery store together (silently) and he saw his sister and completely changed personalities in front of my eyes. I watched him turn into a completely normal person in his interactions with her. That was the beginning of the end after 26 years together. Took me 14 months before I stumbled onto the actual word narcissist but when I did I said, "That's it! That's exactly what I've been dealing with." I knew something wasn't right and my extensive internet research saved me! I am woke now for sure!
that s exactly where I am at. And I sure have gotten all the treatment you have described from the narcissist. The gaslighting keeps coming, but I'm not buying it, Ive been smeared, slandered, and all the rest. But, no matter what, I will never be as miserable as him. That's impossible. You have helped me a lot, Thank you!
YES to all 7 points! Now I'm ready to interact with the NAC who lives with us. I try to stay away from this person, but when I have to approach him, I prepare by listening to you...getting strong and holding firmly onto the truth. Thank you Dr. C :)
I am actually laughing at the accuracy of all of this. This is so on point. I’ve seen all of these and I agree they do think they have it all figured out and they have nothing left to learn. If I barely speak it’s called shouting but they don’t see their tone or behaviour even when it is pointed out or recorded. These videos are great help as they clarify and help me deal with what really happened so I thank you sir.
When you step back and can see it from hindsight perspective, it's like every argument was an argument with themselves. It's like their delusions are fighting reality. Bc not one assumption about what I was doing, saying or thinking was ever perceived by my ex correctly. And once you try to correct their delusions that's when the argument begins. It really is crazy making!
Certainty example. We live in my home town. Small place nothing exciting. Went from city to back home. He said today "I promise you this. If we stay here, especially our kids, then nothing good will happen for us. No opportunities n future." Literally said that.... Then continued to trash talk my home town and shame me for living here and blah blah blah.
He wants to move to the city again... And trying to get me to agree and go along with his plan. Says it'll be better because it's better than where we are and things will be better because of it... Word salad to the max.
@@xGroteskx It's better out of the cities, especially now. Hopefully you stuck to your guns and didn't do what he wanted. Let him go by himself.
"YOU don't need that"
"WE (you) need to do this now"
"Theres nothing there or in it for ME"
"I'M suffocating here & need to go out (drunk driving)
"Locks & Laws were meant to keep honest people honest"
"I have the right to do what I want in my house"
"I was FIRST"
He used to call me delusional amongst other really mean nasty things and this video was validation that he was projecting who he was on to me. Thank you Dr. C I would love for you to do a video about projection and the narcissist.
"You're neither the writer nor the director of my script" - I just put it down in my notebook. A brilliant thing to remember!
My mother, the standard bearer.🙄 she ticks all the boxes on your show!
Their delusion is that you believe all their lies. No way! I'm listening to Dr. Carter everyday lol. I figured you out.
Call one of them out and watch what I call the, flip-flop-pretzel twist, your the problem, if you don't see it my way. Thank you for these videos Dr. C, they help me to step back and see the truth.
The same think happened to me, always the victim, they want you to see it from their perspective, but dont even think to look from your perspective
You have just shown me, after three hellish months, what I have endured with my daughter. There is a complete estrangement. It will never change. She can’t change. I won’t change now I have woken up! Thank you.
Yes, there's a huge relief to finally accept that they are the ones who lack the ability to reason with our truth. Even if you pacify them . After mine got thru destroying me yesterday, I decided to just agree with them to stop the game, and they argued about that too. Totally changed sides to their own argument. So basically pretended that my stance was their argument now. I was dumbfounded.
epic bombshell. OMG. I know a few narcissists EXACTLY LIKE THIS. You just blew my mind. More importantly... I think the most important thing to notice is that they operate from FEAR. At some time in their life, they got hurt ( probably often ),... and they decided their modus operandi was to CONTROL everything and everyone as a result. WOW.
Truth !! Fear based for sure
Mine has the most impeccable memory i have EVER witnessed. If something got moved an inch; she knows...music, she knows what month of what yr it came out....she can tell u birthdates/addresses/personal info of everyone shes ever encountered...its crazy.......but when it comes to people she saw/talked to (exes)/ questions i ask about something that doesnt make sense, she cant remember or doesnt know
You help me so much! I’m going through all this for 7 years. They’re starting to make mistakes and I am aware. I have a clear conscience. I’m following legal documents.
I remember one instance with a friend that I'd mentioned I was going with childhood friends (we all went to primary/high school together in a different state than where I live now. We all knew one another's siblings so we had a history together of a LOT of years) on vacation. We'd rented a house on the beach for a week, determined who was driving and who was bringing what for food for the week, money had been paid, rooming was also decided - the house was packed. The SUV was filled and limited parking at the other end. Another friend was driving to meet us as she lived in the South. I mentioned this to another friend who lives where I live now - she didn't know any of these other friends - she tried to invite herself and said how could one more person put anyone out! I was stunned. She didn't care that she'd blow up other's vacation plans - as long as her needs were met AND she wanted ME to get that done for her! When I told her that wasn't possible and explained the reasons 'why', that's when the back stabbing started behind the scenes with her playing the victim and one of her flying monkeys took a run at me the following week at a festival! I think she felt that because she was my friend, that gave her certain entitlements that others didn't have. In retrospect, I think she didn't understand that it was healthy to have a lot of different friends that you want to go and do with - especially those who you share a good deal of history with - she was totally threatened by that.
1 they rationalize their control over you
2 they will constantly deflect any kind of problem back on you
3 they have a major need to appear certain, black/white thinking
4 they have mini indicators that they want to be treated better than others, want to feel special
5 they are heavily critical, believe that it’s a good and necessary thing to be
6 they have a very strong need to turn people into their apologist, you have to do exactly as they do
7 they constantly wear the victim badge when you disagree with them
It's truly horrid and can be traumatic to experience let alone endure battering comments, intimidation and fits of rage from a narcissist, especially if the narcissist is a loved one.
This video is so very helpful/insightful to the schemes, games and ploys of the narcissist let alone their delusional way of thinking etc.
Terrible growing up with a narc sibling. Raged with jealousy when i was diagnosed with cancer because she assumed I would get loads of attention for it, from emotionally distant parents.(???? made no sense ) Penny finally dropped, and I keep away now. That's the safest thing to do. Also pruned off any mutual friends, which she made by assuming my familiarity with anyhow. They weren't smart enough to work out she did nothing to acquire their friendship. Terrible. They do such terrible damage. Run, and take very kind and loving care of yourselves.
My NARC is involved with the Native American Veterans. Funny thing is he has absolutely NO NATIVE AMERICAN in his Ancestry at all.. but I do on both sides of my family. He also is a 36 yr recoverd addict and never relapsed. To pump his ego up he still goes to NA meetings to show off his years clean when he really needs to get out of kindergarten (meetings) and speak in public about the subject of addiction to help others. As for the NATIVE pow wowing and staff carrying..this again is for attention and the feeling of power. As for the Veteran part of this he only spent 1 year in the Navy court ordered for multiple DUI's and ended up thrown out honorable of course. He absolutely must feel superior to anyone around him. I have brought these thoughts/feelings I have about this to him on many occasions and it falls on deaf ears. So, the Delusions you speak of Dr. Carter are very Complex and Real.
I have walked away from all in my life who fit this category. So many things that just didn't make any sense, I can now see for what they are. Thank you for your educational videos.
This video grealty illustrates all the reasons why no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it to work it could never happen. His delusional and paranoid thinking truly made it impossible and many times dangerous.
" I am unable to reason with an unreasonable person" is 🔥
Ah...certainty! They're all about definite statements! Especially the use of the words 'always' and 'never', because they can neither spell, or pronounce, 'unequivocally'. lol
Thank you for the precision and clarity you bring to this disorienting delusional approach to relationships by the narcissist.
Dr. Carter, your voice is so soothing and your insights are so valuable
Thanks so much. Dr. C