The #1 Emotion Driving A Narcissist's Mean Streak
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- Опубликовано: 16 окт 2024
- Beneath the surface of narcissism are all sorts of troubled emotions feeding harsh, mean responses toward you. Dr. Les Carter helps you understand what drives narcissists by identifying one specific emotion they cannot contain. While their lack of emotional balance is pitiable, you do not have to be subject to their inappropriate attitudes.
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They erupt and then they blame you
They hear things you didn't say, and see things that didn't happen They are absolutely NUTS
Wow, that’s so crazy because I have a dear friend who I believe might be a little narcissistic. Well, the other night he had a problem with me being late to his house, but he clearly didn’t understand the plan which was I would be leaving my house in ten minutes, not at his house in ten minutes. Not a big deal, but in my head I was thinking wtf.
Exactly! My family fits this comment.
I just dealt with my first narcissistic partner in over a decade. And this is so true.on a phone call once he kept saying "stop swearing at me" when I hadn't swore at all.
SO TRUE!!
They've mastered the art of gaslighting ... and, if the recipient or "victim" is not sufficiently centred and self-confident and detached, the narcissist's gasligting can become a complete mind- and emotional-destroyer.
I think that the most difficult part of healing is accepting that they NEVER actually loved or cared about you. That's a hard fact to wrap your mind around.
Yeah they do an amazing job pretending.
Your so right. I still ask myself why did they bother having children?. Then I realized no one else wanted to be around them....
Good chance this is why I never married and had children
That’s what I’m up against too and it’s heart breaking; adult only child here
Right before I left my husband he would say “I love you” to try to get me to stay and I would always respond, you don’t love me you need me those are two different things.
@@ashleeallen8875 great choice and great choice of words too.
When a narcissist is blaming or accusing,
he is actually confessing.
You get it.
I had one call me a 'sad psychopath'...you know what? I felt so bad for him b/c that is what he is and deep down in his subconscious, he knows it 😔
@@goldbrick2563 I feel very sorry for the narcs that have been in my life, mom, dad, brother, sister, yes I think they are pathetic.
Truth
Exactly!
My ex-husband had a very childish/narcissistic response with every argument. One thing I learned was that there's a 5 year old sulky scared bully in every narcissist
This. 100X This.
Spot on remember the scared part,stand them up and they run.
I liken my ex to an angry mean 14 year old mean-girl … very strange but that’s exactly how he acts. The facial expressions, gossiping, laughing at people etc
I've been a more mature 5 yeard old than my dad was at 21 years old, my win!
Yes for sure!
After 55 years of dealing with a narcissistic mother, I went no contact. I've done my time & finally realized life is too short for further abuse from this woman. It has been the best year of my life!
That epiphanal question, "Why on earth do I put up with this torture?"
Be very careful. My mother called mh landlord my boss
She try to destroy me
NC, I get letters still. She still acusses me about stuff I have no idea she talking sbout
She may die soon
so you waited until she's really old.... I'm sorry but nobody deserves that.
Good for you, I'm envious. My sibling couldn't take it anymore and went no contact. She's 80+ and I must say, she''s only gotten worse, especially the lying. She cries about pain (but dismisses doctor's simple advice), then goes 'partying' with various men, lying to each one. It's bizarre, but I think they're easier to control (with sex) than friends or family. When playing the victim doesn't work, the vengeance comes out. Although I keep my boundaries in check, I truly feel like I can't have a life of my own until she is gone.
You just described the reason why I left my narcissistic family system. The abuse is never ending. No contact was my only option.
Sad, even as it is understandable.
Me too. Self preservation. ☮️
Sometimes it's the only way you can be healthy. No contact. Unfortunately, I had to do it too. However, I am happiest when I am not in a toxic environment. 😌
Same here. I pray for them. Since leaving I’ve been enjoying my peace, meals, sleep and boy I’m I having fun. Whenever they were around they would get mad if I was happy. I realized they trained me to stay put and not enjoy my life. It’s been two years and I wake so happy and grateful. I will never ever ever let anyone destroy my peace and happiness again! Ever!
Ditto here. The amazing thing is that they continue as if nothing happened. Their thinking is so lost that they continue the game under the idea that if they out-silence you. That they are actively punishing you. That is the family I come from. It's insane. And the mind games continue for years. These people don't understand what they are doing and the thought of seeing counselling is totally beyond their reality. They are living in a hell of their creation. Their ego's are huge! The only reason I maintain my vigilance - with information from this website - is that it may not be beyond them to do something drastic. Like suddenly show up at the front door to start a fight. Who knows? I keep having to rehearse my standing my ground - its not in my nature - so as not to be taken off guard and then be sucked into that confrontation. Hope it's not as bad for you.
Envy of what other people have. The narcissist will punish the scapegoat for being happy, having talents and abilities, or having good relationships with other people. The narcissist will sabotage, demean and destroy the scapegoat because of envy.
They have an unrealistic picture of what other people have. Or how they accquired what they have. They want,need,want,need......and have no insight into the way to fulfill those wants and needs so it is up to you,their mark,or subordinate to fill that supply role.
Exactly. It's so hard.
Yeah they relly hate when you are happy and laugh. And when you are dancing and singing for yourself they pump up the vengeance. F.e. turn the music off. I loved music but it was totally gone from the "home" after some years.
So true.
My mom just about drove me nuts. Envy was one of the main problems she had with me. Mom was living in her home (the home she wanted/the home she loved) for over 60 years. I was living in a "starter home" in another state. Nothing fancy about my home and it was 25+ years old. We were raising our kids. One day, the door knob assembly on the front door broke. Because our door was so old, we had to get a carpenter to come in and do some work in order to get a brand new door. She was mad at me for getting a new front door.
I’m going to say fear. Fear of not being the center of attention. Fear of the mask slipping. Fear of the target overcoming their unprovoked disdain and abuse. Fear of team healthy making them irrelevant.
Fear of being exposed
@@mightymouse1005 definitely fear of being exposed, and very much fear of not being in control... they also need to think they're the most impressive person in the room.
Fear of abandonment and neglect too. My narc estranged husband would often say that he's afraid that people are out to get him and do harm to him. 🤔🤔🤔🤔 I wonder why? I understand it all now
well said Nikki
The vengeance comes after the fear. The vengeance is the ugly part you see.
The meanness & vengeance is so hard to understand. The man who promised to love, cherish & protect me treats me like an enemy. My husband has all the characteristics of a covert narcissist and it truly is awful & a nightmare to be married to someone like this!
Thank you for all your videos Dr. C… you’ve helped me and so many others!
You're welcome.
Same. It's so, so hard. Yes - an absolute nightmare. These videos are so helpful to me, they help me keep my sanity.
What continues to be amazing to me is how they are viewed so differently in their workplace. Two personalities in one body.
People either give themselves permission to exact vengeance on others, or they don’t.
Same here and mine overheard me listening to these, so now if I EVER try conversation, he will smirk and say I GUESS IT'S BC IM A NARCISSIST!! I've recently been told he doesn't give a 💩 about my feelings. He will attack, then later tell me I'm pretty or something strange like it never happened. I used to accept the sweeping it under the rug, for the sake of peace, now it enrages me, so these videos help me stay focused and centered. No easy task, but I'm tired...
Strange how they copy everything they possibly can from those they target, if they feel superior to them.
In this case imitation is NOT the sincerest form of flattery.
(Oscar Wilde)
@@CHDean Very true!
“Once you get on their bad list, you are not going to get off of it.” True 👍🏼💯 Once you mirror their true self back you lost all use to them and they are on to the next. You will NEVER mean anything to them again because you know the real them.
Even if you are sorry? Even if you simply made a mistake, they took it all wrong, you are forever hated and banned? I did in effect mirror the 'confusion' back upon someone on SM, (he has some fame/notoriety, there was vengeance and discard, no matter he got my money. What about professionalism?
Thank you so much for quoting this because I forget this one every once in awhile after years or months of NO CONTACT and unfortunately have to relearn this lesson. Indeed you never do "get off of their bad list" even though they pretend like you did. Then OUT OF NOWHERE, especially when they seem really friendly oddly enough, they hit you from behind with the stick as a disproportionate response to merely disagree with them with a little teeth. (Because all narcissists are COWARDS! Don't do what I used to do folks and think that there can be any sort of reconciliation.. you'll regret it but you'll survive it if you foolish enough to do what I used to do and go back to these people as friends or lovers or whatever)
That's so true. Once you get on their bad list, you may as well cross them off.
They've made themselves worse than useless, in your life.
No-one means anything to a Narcissist, they only care about themselves, people are a business transaction to them
@@TurinTurumba
Exactly
Lack of empathy
Zero empathy😉
They know how to "act" empathy which really boggles my mind. It can really scramble your stability. This is what I have had to process through and let go to start to recover and build again. Covert narcs, so awful. They can act really good. But now with me gray rocking, not reacting to the narcs, no info to them....Who's the good actor now? Haha.
They're some of the most jealous, envious and covetous ppl on the planet.
Jealous, envious, covetous = Weak
We narc doormats have a false narrative, too. "Oh, she's just being honest." "Oh, he gets that way when he's in a bad mood." Bla bla bla. We need to stop doing this and hold them accountable.
I don’t think there is a hold them accountable. They will never accept accountability.
Yes to both these thoughts. My response is to disengage, to hold them accountable at a distance in my own mind and not make excuses for their terrible behaviour. It's been a really, really long road and I'm still somewhere along it, but channels and videos like this are slow opening my eyes to actual reality. So, so, so grateful! ❤🙏
Exactly. My older sistsr is the most negative person ever. Its hard to even have a conversation, they manipulate and control with their views. The whole family always excused her behavior as that's just how she is. No more. After she humiliated me in a restaurant when a sibling was in town, I decided I had had enough. 2 months no contact now. I don't know what the future holds, but I enjoy my peace and calmness now.
Hold ourselves accountable... The narc will never admit or do that.
Yes. Denial justification & misplaced loyalty
I believe it's the fear of their true self being exposed because they absolutely loathe themselves. Sick people 🤯🤯
So true.
VERY SICK!!
So in the end, the narcissist is just a sadistic actor and we're the ones that need to yell Cut! That's a wrap!
That pretty much summarizes it.
DEAR Julie
Bless you're Sweet ❤️in agreement with you Hun.God Bless 🙏 from somewhere in OKLAHOMA 🙏🌹🙏
Their personality is just the most difficult of relationships I’ve ever experienced 😮
@@innerpilgrim4160 so pleased you escaped… happy days ahead take care
You never know what to expect from a narcissist
Literally feel the same way. The most unhappy, unsatisfying 16 months of my life. The only decent times were during the love bombing phase and that lasted 4 months. A year of wondering if this woman even liked me?
They are so antagonistic, sadistic and miserable to be around!
There’s always a punishment. Whether it’s withholding, exclusion, payback, smear campaign, secrecy, cheating- whatever they know about your triggers is what they blindside you with until you see the pattern then they run.
Yeah especially the children they like to have secrets with your children but not with you. It´s a part of the invisiblityprocess.
Secrets triangulating anger 😢
WOW that's it!
See the patterns
If they’re an employer, they just take away your livelihood
Hard not to take it personally. That's the struggle.
I just found that there is never room for disagreement. Any venture into debate is going to result in a lashing out that is cruel and vicious.
And then you get blamed for just wanting to argue, or, they accuse you of purposely taking the opposite stance just because.
Plus they’ll cut sex
Edit: I’m naturally horny af at all times. She knew this n used it against me. So she’d always start crap n eventually I started walking on eggshells just not to go dry. So I went from 155 lbs 6% body fat. Pure muscle. To over 200 lbs n over 30% fat. Mind can’t take their bs so even all the sex in the world ain’t worth it. I left
Add in Dementia, the relationship is your worst nightmare. 😟
Leave
I'm dealing with a guy on my allotment who has narcissistic tendencies coupled with dementia. He's a total psycho & dangerous as hell.
Dealing with a 98 year old "mother" functioning on a brain stem. Mean and sly. Hate her.
Caring for someone that makes you feel that you are not a priority on their list but just an annoyance to them just erodes your self esteem. Never underestimate this type of personal tragedy. It's a serious matter. Dr. Carter is an expert in his knowledge of the narcissistic personality
My self esteem has been shot. Thank you for such encouraging words! God bless
I feel that my dad resented me, that he had to do anything. He would make comments about being busy(with his girlfriends while married to mom) He is misogynistic as well. It is painful!
My ex told me outright that my needs were irrelevant to him. Hense, he's now my ex.
Yes it is a tragedy as they make the worst parents and mates.
"erodes your self esteem" -- sure does
They'll tell ridiculous lies!
It's so sick and "twisted" as Dr. Phil says. He's right, unfortunately, for us. Despicable behavior. They are so predictable. No moral compass whatsoever. They will always throw you under the bus. Always.
Gus is always snoozing away, such a cute little guy. 🐶❤️
The cruelty of being married to a covert narcissist is traumatizing, and embarrassing, they create chaos out of nothing and anything and punish you, they don’t know when to stop. You described what I just got out of. I did nothing but good for him.
Thank you for this video.🙏🥰
im so sorry to hear that, my own mother was in your situation and i was blind to the unbearable pain she mustve gone through.
Ah im so sorry!
DEAR stylist
In Agreement.and it's sometimes hard to find a quiet place to go.they will follow you.until they convince themselves that they are the victims..so they can run to one or more of their supply's.may God Grant you your Hearts desires and may Your Dreams come TRUE Sweetheart in JESUS NAME With MUCH LOVE 💕 From Somewhere in OKLAHOMA 🙏🌹🙏 be aware and stay strong 🙏💖🙏
My dad is my narc, I exorcised that demon by no contact since Easter, about 302 days now. I win!
My mother had NPD…diagnosed not by her therapist but mine of course. NPD folks rarely seek therapy. She damaged me so badly that it’s taken me years of therapy to finally see reality and love myself. The vengeance thing is so true! When I finally walked away from her she got a lawyer and made sure to write me out of the will….she even made sure I wasn’t included in her obituary. Most people leave this life trying to make amends with people but not her. She left this life trying to hurt me one last time. Ironically it didn’t hurt, it just provided validation for me of how mean she really was.
How very sad. I really feel for you. My father was the same and when he died, I cried, not because of losing him, I was relieved he was gone, but at the loss of what could and should have been. Keep on healing because it does hurt. Eden
I have a narcissist brother. All my siblings are afraid of him, yet, though he uses me as his punch bag, none of them ever stand up for me. I am in week 3 of no contact. I used to work with him up to 3 weeks ago but he raged himself out of that job. It was the most disturbing and unsettling experience I ever had. Funny thing is though, I still worry for him and wish him only good .
Best of luck to all you lovely people.
Your scenario reminds me of the movie..Leave her to heaven.Its zn old movie 1945,beautifully made..and very eye opening.
My narc mom decided I was "SPECIAL NEEDS" so my childhood MISERY could be my elder adult finish. Legal bound by her final wishes giving my hateful Sibling control again.
Wow, that’s rough. I’m glad you broke free. Shalom
If “spoiled child” were an emotion, that would be at least close in the running for the number one emotion for a narcissist’s mean streak. I guess that could officially be termed “immaturity.” Only a grown person dealing with immaturity feels outraged, jealous, snippy, defensive, and feels misunderstood because “that’s not fair” when they don’t get what they want and then are mean to others because of it.
Your answer resonates, despite Siri's stab at it (and Dr. C either confirming or affirming "close enough"). Waiting to hear the details with explanation.
@@aaronkwolfe Where did Siri “stab” at it? And where did DrC say “close enough?” I have no clue what you’re referencing.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos her comment (likely below) said “contempt.” I paraphrased Dr. C’s response of “white hot” as either exactly correct or very close to exact. I’m still looking forward to watch the stream for details. Well, that and all the #teamhealthy people.
@@aaronkwolfe ohhh haha your coma (grammar nerd here) implies Siri’s “stab” was more of a “jab” at my comment 😂. Gotta love the English language and the free flow interpretation of written text haha!
@@AlwaysStampinVideos to “stab at it” is just an idiom that doesn’t pay respect to a person’s expertise or ability, but rather their bravery/willingness to make an attempt.
We all (even I) do it, when Dr. C releases his upcoming stream title. I like to look ahead at the responses, marveling at the creativity & experience, let alone the bravery and willingness to speak up. This is, indeed, a good place to be.
Boredom. If they are not the center of the universe, they get bored and turn mean.
OR they say: You are bleeding all over my floor. Stop it. What will people think? Why are you so bleedy like? How did you get yourself into this? You always get yourself stabbed. When are you going to stop getting stabbed? Do you have to be so bloody? I know you are probably the wrong blood type too. That's just like you. Stop being so sensitive. Geesh. Haha. Right? .... sadly true. Ugh.
Unfortunately, children can't remove themselves in a healthy way. They can only disassociate from the cruelty.
leave asap. 18. the problem is, at that age you dont know what is going on. my dad would attack me just becuase i was growing up.
@@orangewarm1Sadly me too… I remember being really small & he liked me as an extension of HIMSELF… as soon as articulated an opinion different from his, he wrote me off - FOR LIFE. I’ve spent a lifetime of struggles trying to understand & cope. These SELFISH MONSTERS SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER HAVE CHILDREN: sensitive kids are crushed one way, & other siblings are turned into Narcs themselves. Fucking EVIL.
Blessings & strength to everyone on this painful journey🙏💪❤️🩹🌻
This helps me realize why my ex always got so angry and mean every time I tried to set any boundaries about my time or my beliefs and values throughout our relationship. I never understood how someone could be so mean after telling you they love you very recently, and be so dominant and cruel.
Cindy Scott,You deserves a godly man 👨
Yeah me too. It's like looking at a demon straight in the eyes
That's because they don't mean it. I think if more of us didn't grow up to be so naive about the world, and understand that some people are just liars, we would be able to put 2 ➕ 2 together and get out of these toxic associations.
@@oscarikenna AMEN! You do deserve a Godly man.
@@CindyPatterson-zn7vl because religious people never hurt anyone emotionally or physically.
As much as I want to hate my sister narc, I think she's driven by fear. I think she is still subconsciously afraid of all the things that happened to her when she wasn't in control when she was younger and what will happen to her if she ever relinquishes control now and that pattern becomes absolute in her life even down to what we are all going to have for dinner and what movie we will go to. She's stuck in a juvenile sense of needing to be in complete control to have any control. The sad thing is, it's driving everyone who could love her away from her, including me, out of self-preservation. The sad part for me is how much of others' goodness it has eaten up and spit out over the years - how many sacrifices were made by more rational people and what all of those losses add up to over a lifetime. The wake of damage is huge.
👏 Bravo. Beautifully written. ❤️🩹
I have the same problem with my sister, Jim. I want so badly to get along, but she makes it impossible. Good luck to you 🦋
You just described how I feel about my sister. So very sad. I just weep sometimes. Thanks for articulating it.
Same here, I have the same problem with my sister. You have articulated your experience so well. Thank you
I also have a narc sister who is super overbearing
Besides a narcissists many horrific traits, i started thinking of one that i wonder if others have ever thought of with their experience and dealings with their narcissistic; and that is their total lack of personality. They literally are bores. While in the initial " love bombing " stage they seem fun, easy going, etc but all that is is their mimicking you and trying super hard just to please you and give you what you want, say what you want to hear, etc. Like that adage" the honeymoon is over". But in the case of the dealings with a narcissist, the " honeymoon " only lasted a very , very short time.
They seem to be more like a shell of a person. When they go out to find that narcissistic fuel from others , they also seem to pick up other people's personality. If you have teenagers you may know what i am speaking about. When your son is hanging out with a group of boys , or an individual , and they come home you may notice they start speaking like the people they are spending time with. The need to fit in as a teen is crucial . The narcissist is a perpetual teenager , sometines a child with their temper tantrums.
You notice they even say words that they use that they never used, and even their pitch of their voice can change. They even have a different way of dressing. It is absolutely freaky to me. And this happens even at the age of 50. It is almost as if they are like shape shifters . Taking on another person's whole persona.
It feels like you are with a different person every few months, and yet you are also with someone who is completely empty and personless.
I know this probably sounds utterly insane to many, but to those that are dealing with a narcissist or have dealt with one for awhile you will understand . It is basically living with a stranger even after decades of " knowing " them.
God yes. My ex-husband was the dullest person. When I was with him I admired his varied interests and hobbies. But they were surface level. Underneath his bravado and swagger, he was self conscious and grossly immature and emotionally stunted. The wholeness never radiated from him though he tried to project to everyone how put together he was. Not until my discard and divorce did I understand he was smoke and mirrors and completely hollow inside. Vapid. Petty. Arrogant. Nasty. Selfish. Vain. Cowardly. I don't know who he is even now after nearly two decades of "knowing" him. I know what an abusive POS he is, so that'll have to suffice! I'm out.
I heard that. I'm sorry you had to endure that sad reality. Peace to you. 💜💙💚☮️
@@spacegirl226 🎯
Oh, I have seen it and believe it. It's very discerning and scary at times. You never know "who" you are going to get.
Then they leave when they're 🥱 bored go back to their own kind
I developed PTSD from my 1st husband’s narcissism, which just resurfaced 30 years later when confronted with a similar male (my boss). I thought it was gone for good, but my defense mechanism kicked in, like an antibody. I quickly quit my job. Thankfully, I found a perfect job and am now letting my fingernails grow again.
I'm happy for you! It's horrible when it resurfaces! Out of nowhere! It's debilitating and I have to start all over again.
You too??? I’m going through the exact same thing now. On disability to get away from him, and looking for another job myself. Narcissists are just as horrible on the job as they are in the home.
The narcissist wets the 🛏 bed and blames the mattress 😂
Stupid mattress!
Funny😂 I😂
No they blame you
"blames the blanket", is the expression Dr. Darren Magee uses. 🙂
I can't feel bad for the narc here!
I would have guessed fear of losing the mask, losing control, losing spotlight, losing the false sense of self. But yes, there is also the vengeance. They build up so much spite that they will do anything to hurt you, even if it hurts themselves.
The picture of Dorian Gray! Check the attic!
“They build up so much spite, they will do anything to hurt you- even if it hurts themselves.” This is so very true. Even if it damages their other relationships or they make it impossible to resolve what they’ve built up spite over.
Let me be ultra spiteful because I’m not getting something I want.
Then, let me be so spiteful that it makes what I want impossible to have.
I believe they relish the chaos so much they will forgo a resolution. It’s the chaos they want.
He'd love to secretly inflict chaos and pain to his own spouse and children, just so he could sit back and enjoy watching the show, thinking he'd never get caught. Narc-holes are cowards.
@estherc.536 Yes, the chaos they create is out of this world!! They really relish their own handiwork. Willing to pit their own children against each other to watch them fight. It's really evil.
And they are spiteful to you when you really didn't do anything wrong except to actually tell them "no."
My vote goes to anger/vengeance. An experience comes close to exposing deep fear but anger is displayed to distract the narcissist from their insecurity and to shock and stun those around him. Vengeance fueled by grandiosity--"How dare you challenge me by asserting your existence ".
Exactly! When my 93 year pld mother could not find any dirt on me to accuse me, she started to revenge me and my happiness by staging scenarios of her things being stolen in the assisted living.
My egg donor precisely!
Never heard such an accurate description of a narcissist . 😔
The retaliation and vengeance, the belief of superiority, the arrogance, the entitlement, the confused state of mind they have, the willingness to exploit are overwhelming.
never able to harmonize.
I've been married to a narcissist for so long I don't even look both ways when I cross the street any more.
Aww I sorry 😞
Don't let him win
Forcing their agenda on you,
True that!
I have to remind myself that vengeance isn’t always rage and violence-it’s also passive aggression, silence and shifting more responsibility on you so you remember…never tell them who they are. Treat them like who they think they are.
Treat the monster how they treat you they will run can't take it 👿🤣
Spot on.
I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with the Narcissist in your life is the denial…not wanting to believe it, and to keep hoping and wishing for a different outcome. When you are a caring and loving person it’s just hard to wrap your mind around it.
Well said.
I’m there now. I was blind for so long.
This is what taught me the real meaning of cognitive dissonance l could not square this person with my picture of my daughter
And it's tragic and utterly heartbreaking to realize someone you love is beyond help or change. My sibling doesn't think she's mean or selfish or completely self-absorbed. She's not evil, she is deeply damaged but cannot or will not examine that. I have compassion for her, pity even, but I still have to stay away for my own mental health.
"When you get on their bad list, you will never get off of it" I spent many years asking myself, what did I do? I was a shame-based person. I could never get my mother's approval, no matter how hard I tried. She seemed disgusted by me, by my very presence. I know what I "did" now; I was born. I was hers to do with as she pleased. It wasn't pleasant growing up with her as my mother. Now she has dementia and I'm her caregiver. She seems to have "mellowed" somewhat but is still judgmental and critical. This is the hardest job I've ever had, being her caregiver, and always being patient and kind.. But there is no one else to step in and take over, so here I am.
What would happen if you let the state take care of her? Would that be such a bad thing?
The vengeance is it!! He gets back at me for every little thing! If I don’t comply in every way! I cannot have my own thoughts, needs or feelings. He does anything in retaliation from neglect and indifference to physical intimidation and bullying.
Thank you for this, it's so relevant.
The narcissist's anger is always simmering under the surface, no matter how good their acting is. Eventually that anger surfaces and it's in them, it's nothing to do with who you are.
The day a mutual friend was physically attacked by the narcissist, I went no-contact. It caused broken relationships and heartache, but I have no regrets.
Sometimes I think about her and still have trouble believing she has such rage under that facade, but I'm so glad I know the truth.
You're quite welcome, Marie.
A relationship with a narc is extremely limited (as we come to know quite quickly). BUT what I am wrestling with is how unforgiving we are about this mental ilness (when we are trying to make progress as a society). Anyone speak to that?
Yeah. The mask never stay. Especially if they are under a lot of stress and pressure.
@@colleenshea2293 If you had ever been severely harmed by one, you'd know they've made themselves unforgivable. It's not our responsibility to forgive a demon. They all harbour at least one. Some have more.
@ Coleen Shea. .It is a mental illness that parades as normal to everyone but you.
And the vengeance can be absolutely maddening when they are smart, smart covert narcissist. And as you say, Dr. Carter, "It's awful."
The ex president of a society in my college days
@Arsene Lupin III CC?
Yes like buying a shampoo based on black pepper the days after I told I could not breath from black pepper. Stood in the window so it was easy to see. Such small little nice things from their empty forelobs.Neber give them info they can use in their evil programs.
This is my mom, my dad, my brother, my ex-husband. I didn't think about the meanness they showed constantly to me was due to vengeance. Before I got the knowledge and education, I didn't know why I was being abused because I did everything they wanted and complied with their unreasonable attitudes and demands. Now that the boundaries are in place and I don't put up with the abuse, my folks are attacking me over everything, every little thing. Of course they're in denial and too far gone to ever step back and think about how their crappy behaviors ruined our family and continue to do so. Doesn't matter to them because the rest of the world thinks they are godly pillars of the community and not monsters who have done decades of damage to themselves and their children. I got accused of being mean when I was reacting to the years and years and years of alternating abuse and neglect. I was the mean one, never them and their criticism or threats or poor behavior. Always me for telling the truth, standing up for myself, and saying things aren't right.
I can't go no contact because I am good and well stuck right now. I do my best to avoid them at all costs. The healing I've tried to accomplish after my divorce is stymied by these soul destroying demons who will not leave me alone. It's exhausting and lonely, but then again, it always has been. Nothing new there.
Thanks, Dr. C for the clarity helping me and others remember what we're dealing with and make sense of it.
Wow. I could've written all of that. And it sucks being completely brainwashed and fearful for so many years. WASTED years. I figured this all out at 55. Idk your story, but know they'll have a final agenda before they pass. My mom spent her last energy, on her death bed turning my youngest son against me. She knew my goal was to have a healthy relationship with my son's. Also, my parents have A LOT of money. I will get nothing because it's all up to him now. I'm currently living in my truck with my two cats. I filed my fifth wheel when my power was cut off. He broke in to my trailer when I was gone by ripping the screen off the frame! Because it's on his property, they did nothing! He's retired county. They take care of their own. Sorry for the rant. My point is, idk why you're not no contact, but if I could do it again, I definitely would be! They need NO information about you or your whereabouts. They only use it for their evil revenge. I'm living it now. Good luck! We are warriors! ❤️
So Sorry!! Been there for most of my life too within the 'prison' of a narcissistic family until I upped and left to live in another country, aged 28. Thoughts and Prayers. 💔💔💔💞💞💞🙏
It is a prison indeed, God bless all of you, (us) ❤
With a few variations in the details, you telling my story too. How many millions of us are out there? Lots and lots. Good luck to us all--keep fighting the good fight.
They are demons
My passive-aggressive, manipulative and emotionally detached elderly mother actually told me, when I finally set boundaries using her actual conduct and words as examples of what would cause me to terminate contact, that she had felt 'vengeful' and sought 'vengeance' toward me for years. She said she doesn't know where it comes from, scoffs at the idea of therapy("I don't have secrets, but I am a very private person" 🙄) and does nothing but double-down on her maladaptive coping behaviors. Now that she's aware that I no longer seek her approval or even acceptance, she's gotten worse.
She's a miserable, intensely petty and insecure woman whose self-constructed walls are closing in on her.
As painful as it is to realize she's never regarded me as a person, much less actually loved me, it's very freeing to finally understand the solution to the riddle of our "relationship": it's not a relationship; it's just a series of transactions.
I'm so sorry, I think your mom has gotten worse because she knows, you know her weakness. Just feel pity for her and know she is projecting on to you her issues. I'm sorry you're going through this. Just know you have us that understands! Best wishes to you!
I can so relate to this! 👍
Ouch. So true!
Passive-agressive is the worst. And hiding you from knowing secrets they have telling all the children. Never acknowledge the children who has an other fater just his owchildren .I try to balance as good as I can. Their father was a narc too aways making fun of me in front of the children.They are all grown now and my intention is to send them these Dr Carters videos,så they can understand and wake up. At least my eldest 40 years will understand it.And I know my youngest.
She wanted you to be her slave, with no soul or thought of your own. She lost you so she can not give you her garbage because you are the "bad" one. She carries her own garbage with her and look herself in the mirror. Good that you do not stand anymore between her and the mirror.
Let her rot because they are not humans. But you are and you will recover and be happy naturally because you are an empath.
Listen to Sam Vaknin videos...
Yep you'll see this extreme anger rage outburst that suddenly reveals itself. This is unacceptable and the real challenging part is a narcissist will constantly gaslight to cover it up. They will typically accuse you of their own behavior which is extremely difficult to endure. Breathe and stay calm, trust the vibe, you can sense what is happening. Stand up for yourself and do not allow this type of exploitation in a respectful calm manner. Doc is right it's awful to experience, move on from the situation and give yourself a little time to heal from the trauma.
Yes.Chronic disease here. Retired to one of the rooms upstairs,that is my peace.Not able to shop. Narc comes and asks what I need,I quickly think what is most necessay and choose one thing,like mineralvwater to swallov my medications. I need many things but if I say more than one thing anger and vengeance shows itself as facecolour and fast irritable moments.When you are under their spell,everything has to slow down,otherwise their meanness will have no boundaries. 35 years.
Vengeance! Yike! That is more toxic than I expected. Fear or envy would be easier to get. But the narcissist is determined to have vengeance - if you wear a nice outfit, get a professional accolade, bought yourself a nice decor item, have a nice lunch, or have a nice hobby - though it does not have ANYTHING to do with them, they are in vengeance mode. I am glad to get how it works. And relieved that Dr. C explained it is nothing personal - it's directed at whoever was there.
Well said!
You are absolutely correct. I was featured on TV for giving $7400 total to 7 graduating seniors who did projects promoting child safety in motor vehicles, stressing proper bucklilng up every time in memory of my granddaughter. He went ballastic and went into full vengeance mode demonstrating his disdain for me by sending me a vile, hateful anonymous letter and started a smear campaign on social media. He was so upset that I was in the spot light. He was supposed to come and help me set up and take photos but he was mad and did not show (no message, just did not show). I am sure he thought it would not go well without his help, but the awards ceremony was amazing and it all back fired on him. He did not realize the reporter would be there and he could not stand it that the reporter said glowing things about the ceremony and all of my fund raising effort and he could not believe I could pull it off so welll without him. Wow!!! I am so thankful for Dr. Carter as I just could not understand what happened.
I didn't ever think about this. But that's exactly how they act 😯😦 Not only they go mad, but they also seek revenge or try to retaliate. It's like "How DARE you??"
They have intense hate wow...
There's no pleasing the narcissist. If you put on a few pounds, it's "You fat cow, you're so disgusting!" If you lose the weight it's "Who do you think you are, walking around like a model?" Interspersed with "You're so lucky I decided to marry you - nobody else ever would." And "You know you've got a mental problem, don't you? You need to sort yourself out."
I did sort myself out - I left him! Took him at his word when he said he didn't want to be married to me any more.....
Wow. I’ve been saying it’s kind of like the saying, “They hate us cuz they ain’t us.”
This really explains it well. It’s heartbreaking that the person who poured out their life and love into the narc is perceived to be The Enemy. 😢
Projection hope it returns to them like a boomerang 🪃
@@ninath13 not soon enough.
So true!!😢
Smearing their victim. Was mentioned here. Yes I realized that now
Narcissists have a deep sense of shame and fear of vulnerability, which explains their vicious ‘get them before they get you’ mentality whenever they feel embarrassed, upset, etc..
in summary, it's a total absence of love. thanks, Dr. C
You're very welcome
This is very ironic to learn about. Once when I was trying to defend myself against my narcissistic sister's gaslighting, she accused me of seeking vengeance. I've never been accused of seeking vengeance any other time in my life, and am described by most people as an empath and a people-pleaser.
@@Chris-dw7gq I agree - good advice.
Narcs are so paranoid .. and for a reason . All the ppl they’ve betrayed ..they no karma is always around the corner .
She was telling you what she was doing to you. Projection. Because we are wired anything like them, so we can never fully understand their actions imo. They always tell on themselves! Always. Learn how to learn how to listen for it. Both my parents were narcissists. To survive, I tried to stay a step ahead of them. As bad as it sucks as a very small child, to survive you have to think like them. And I feel at that point if you lack empathy that's were you either become a narcissist or codependent. I have no degree. I do have a lot of common sense. When a therapist told me that I'd be a serial killer if my heart wasn't so big... Really makes you think. NOW I get it. It's a tough journey. The toughest. We MUST have a warrior mindset to survive this shit man! That's all I can think lol. Have a great day my family!!!! Go out and treat yourself right!!! We deserve that and more!!!!! Love to all.
@@victoriavitoroulis3273 the ones I know don't believe in karma. They're inferior...
Can't it be a real eye opener when we realize that most of our conflict is with one person! And yet we get along with everyone else!
I call Envy, pathological strain..
The mask of being nice trustworthy & making me feel special.. is so good that it’s fooled me off and on for 13 years and it’s so sad bc how much time I wasted on a mean selfish liar and cheater who never loved me or anyone
A “you versus me mentality “ …..says it all. Thanks for the video
One of the most valuable things I've learned from Dr. Carter's lectures is not to care about a narcissist's opinion about oneself. While it might be good to listen to constructive criticism about oneself these people are not about that.
My mom is 91 and obviously suffering from dementia (walls talking to her and invisible people in the house) but I have tried to help her get the things she needed.
She beat me until I was 16 whenever she was angry at anyone, not just me.
It took her screaming that she was glad that my daughter had cancer and was in pain and threatening to hit me with her fist for me to walk away. When I had multiple cancers she was awful and complained how inconvenient it was, but don’t mess with my children! 0:12 0:12
I also had to walk away from my mother many years ago. She finally died at age 89, and was as mean as ever on her last day.
"Once you get on their bad list, you don't get off."
That's a great insight. The dynamic between my narcissistic brother and I will always be the same. He sees me as subordinate and will control me accordingly.
Then there are people who don't even know that he's a (covert) narcissist. Because they're not on his bad list (yet). They serve as supply for attention, but are not close enough to ever see his vengeful side.
Yay! I'm on the bad list so now I don't have to deal with her at our holiday gatherings...I know it sounds harsh but I'm sure everyone understands.
This is so dead on. I am so happy that traveled down the Narcissist rabbit hole. I did not realize the psychological warfare I was faced with so many years. My husband masked it for 6 years and now looking back the mask started falling down the last 3 years of our marriage in a huge way. Once on the bad list you’ll never get off of it. He would love bomb and turn completely evil. So quickly.
Just recently, even though I thought I was healing, I became fixated on the "why" behind the cruelty. It's been a pointless obsession driving me nuts. Thankyou for this, it's been a great help to me.
Yep. You’ll NEVER find out the why. Just give it up and move on in life
I got stuck there for a long time too.
It was like I ALWAYS FOR YEARS, had the ??? Like a cartoon caption above my head. Trying to analyze it. UNTIL…I found out about and studied narcissism. ! WOW! That’s when the healing began and things CHANGED! No contact, then boundries. And God healed me from the wounds! The earlier you learn about narcissism, the better off you’ll be. Would have saved me YEARS of grief from a narco mother. In the end, my gaping wound was healed.
Yes, I agree this video helps me with the same question!!! I will have to re-visit this to let it sink in. It's hard to believe that some people could be so cruel and not see what they are doing!
I think the obsession is part of the whole thing. We who entertain Narcs tend to be obsessed. Our own childhood trauma. It's a dance we do with the Narc. Hopefully we wake up a little and get help. Until then we continue to dance...obsessing is dancing.
This all hits home sooo perfectly....it is so frustrating that NO ONE sees this but me. He is soooo good at putting on a false persona.
Jealousy in all its evil forms.
This is one of the best support groups Ive been blessed to find. Thanks team healthy. I'll keep coming back- no I'll just stay
So pleased, John.
Always room for one more! Welcome.🙂
Yes! Welcome home ❤️
Welcome to Team Healthy! 😊
💖💖
As for the question. I'm going for the contempt. They hold for themselves.
You're white hot, Siri.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙂Looking forward to Listening. S
Chilling. Just chilling. The vengence and the meanness.
Happy New Year and thank you for answering the age old question for us all. "What did I do?" "You showed up." "Their vengeance is not about you."
“What did I do?” “Are you mad at me?” Were my mantras in my first marriage to a total narc, but they were my pathology too. Now in another marriage to a kind and humble man my “Are you mad at me?” still pops out but it’s nothing like it was before. That was exhausting.
While it's comforting to know "it's not about me", it always becomes about me when I encounter the vengeful narcissist. It's like having a constant barrage of insults, humiliation, blame and shame hurled from the narcissist's pent-up vengeance arsenal. It's tiresome and pitiable indeed. Thank you for your guidance, Dr C. It allows me to arm myself with some useful self-preservation strategies.
They have to give you shit that their brain is producing on a daily basis. Listen to Sam Vaknin videos
You are a toilet for them, leave !!!!
Some people dont believe this but some people have a demon of hatred in their body that gives them ideas.
Rubbish.
It is demon possession. Some people don't want to see that. Deep down though we, who have experienced this, KNOW it is demon spirits. Nothing can be this evil. There are Jezebel, Narcissism spirits who naturally have hate and all the other evils about them. Pray, rebuke in Jesus name and don't give up on this. But, don't put your life on hold as you are doing this every day. Have prayer and Bible time and do the rebuking of these evils. Go about your day. People will believe more and more. Prayer for those who don't believe will be happening that is for sure. This narcissism experience is as close as you get to satan and hell on this earth. Nothing like this will be rubbish when you stand before the true and living God. Possession is not just horror films. Just sayin'.🤷 Blessings to all. Stand strong, because Jesus already gave us the victory!
No, that's my biological dad, the demon, I exorcised him by not dealing with him for the past 302 days(Easter). His loss of a punching bag; I win!
@@jackilynpyzocha662I believe it!
Thank you for your videos. I was married to a narc for 23 years. I never understood why I felt like the enemy and was constantly being punished. Now that I have an understanding as to why I was treated more like an enemy than a wife, I can begin to move on and stop blaming myself.
Same here. Good luck moving forward 🙏🏼
35 years
42 years for me, so good to be out & finally feel validated instead of crazy. These videos help. Much Love & Good Vibes ❤
Enjoyed this video. Learned a lot
The terrible lack of forgiveness- a small infringement- mistake that embarrassed them - held forever against me .. meanness - withholding of love Suppot and money - thank u for YOUR support
'this isn't working for me'
'they're critical ... have sense of entitlement ... you will be on receiving end of anger.
know what you are dealing with .. their meanness and vengeance.
they're bound by their negative ingredients.
you'll never get their approval... never going to harmonise with them ... establish boundaries.
ask is this someone i need to have any exposure to?
Vengeance takes them to the dark side'.
Such wisdom and accurate description of my experience thank you 🙏
Yes. Don't take it personally. Its them!
Narcisistic vengence is all about who they are, not good or pretty. They always tell on themselves! Sick and twisted their behaviours are. Their dark side is taking over when they come at us with meanness or vengence. We are not to participate in any of their rolling in the mud. We take the high road. Dignity, respect and civility are our guiding stars. God bless you ❤❤❤
Boy you nailed that one, Doc. I would see that lust for vengeance in the eyes. Very scary.
I do not know what this specific emotion may be. What attitude narcissists display the most, it would seem to me, is contempt. Everything you say, everything you appreciate, everything that makes you who you are, may be dismissed and discounted with pure scorn. "You are so beneath me!" is the message. I wonder if self-contempt is being projected onto others in cases of narcissism?
Brilliant- projected contempt. They can have my empathy for how miserable they must be inside, but not my time.
Contempt and scorn - yes, and disdain.
I think it is like a desire for revenge against what they see as the ways you have wronged them. A delight in your misfortunes and a willingness to cause them.
Yes totally agree! I guess their self contempt is converted in victim role as they are the most poor people and at the same time they devalue contempt other people. It’s messed up really.
@@Chris-dw7gq I think they resent infants for needing care, and that takes away from their ability to focus on themselves.
They believe they are privileged. Anyone who challenges their privilege will be punished and defeated. Privilege is toxic. Thanks Dr Carter, such a great teacher!!!
This is a perfect description of what my marriage was like. I could never figure out what I had done that he was trying to get revenge for. I tried to tell him, "I am a person." Most people never saw how it really was. Disdain, disgust, contempt, revenge, are just a few of the words he silently communicated. And for years the silent treatment. I wanted to be his favorite person, but I was at the bottom of a long list of people he preferred over me. I still struggle with it, although I am a widow.
Same, I had friends ask me later “what could I have possibly done for her to treat me that way?” My answer was “just existing.” I had done nothing but treat her like a Queen for decades. I was just in her way. She spoke of men she worked with as if they walked on water. How they dressed, how they smelt, how they treated her, how they this and how they that. Of course the truth came out she was having affairs. That caused a lot of her anger towards me. I’m still not sure why she just didn’t leave. I didn’t own her. My guess is they were married and that’s why. So she was unhappy with me, but rather than leaving tortured her family endlessly for years.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹👑 stay encouraged and keep healing. As a widow you were freed.
DEAR Cindy
Bless you're ❤️ may GOD GRANT you Your HEARTS desires and may Your Dreams come TRUE Sweetheart in JESUS NAME With MUCH LOVE 💕 From Somewhere in OKLAHOMA 🙏🌹🙏
Disdain. It feels awful to be on the receiving end.
I've used that line, I'm not your doormat, I'm a person
My narc mom has always been mean to me. I'm 60 and finally went no-contact. Her first move? Vengeance. She cut me out of the will.
Ditto...went NO Contact at 59 1/2! We were her "transaction twins"....she didnt acknowledge our 60th B-day but we knew her predictable MNarc ways (we did our research with Dr C videos)....celebrated with loved ones at our happy place: The Beach!
It isn’t just what they do to you, personally, they take every chance to besmirch your reputation with others.
My evil ex-sister trash talked about me all over a small community, which prevented me from getting employment for some time. I did NOTHING bad to her, except to refuse to kiss her butt.
After separating our kids were going back and forth by the week. He expected me to be the only one driving both ways all the time. He expressed I was so rude and selfish and entitled to expect him to share this task involving our children. I stood my ground. It was only a 15 minute drive.
They are truly Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
I pray for everyone else who lives this way every day as I do .. 🙏❤️
So very true. My parents are so angry and vindictive because I wouldn't be their slave/minion and have strong boundaries. I went no contact a few years ago and they charmed me back, only to punish ruthlessly any chance they got. I went another year of no contact and when dad was in the hospital, they called to guilt trip me back. I went and again, got punished and insulted even worse than before. They kept it up until I let go completely, getting so scary that I realized that for me, permanent no contact was and is very needed. I've been away for good for awhile and am finally at peace and able to work on my healing. I have security cameras up in my home now because they got THAT bad. I loved them but like you said, their anger and need for vengeance is strong. That is a complete deal breaker for me.
I'm so sorry you went through all of that
❤
It’s not that you want to. It’s that you HAVE TO! I get it. Just knowing this knowledge and no contact will help you heal. I know I did. 🙏
Yes, because they lost control over you, they are clowns 🤪🤮🤢
I walked away from a ' best friend' whom I had thought was a best friend. I invited her to my nephews wedding because her hubby was out of the country. She did EVERYTHING in her power to insult me and make me look nad that night. Then when I dropped her off she INSISTED that I spend the night. My house was 3 miles away. I declined, because her house was dirty. The next day, I got 3 phones from my family asking me why in the world would I want to hang out with that smart alec? That opened my eyes. And the fact that when my brotherinlaw died from cancer 11 eays after he was diagnosed, and she refererred to him as a ' dead idiot'.
Yet they continue to believe
YOU should love THEM. SMH
Vengeance is mine , says the Lord. So true. It never works well - the revenge thing. Even if the narcissist has behaved badly. My father always told me that he never had to avenge. Somehow he would experience reparations in unbelievable ways. A grace.
The only positive thing , in my experience with this type of situation (vengeance, anger,sadism,you name it) has been moving toward God more.
And I have a long way to go.I’m definitely not one who would be considered a devout Christian, but I find myself talking and praying more. Sometimes I almost feel my situation was meant to do just that…..if that makes sense.
I prayed they got Covid and they did...she had no sympathy for those that did, so I wanted her to understand what it felt like
...I cannot be the best version of myself when I'm dealing with the devil! ! !
Yeahh… It’s true!
This describes my first husband exactly. He's going ballistic because after 16 years post-divorce, and his bullying me for money again, I've cut every line of communication I had with him. I'm researching restraining orders, as his usual response is showing up to prove he "can and will do whatever he wants." I want him entirely out of my life.
"They can't maintain the mask permanently". Wow I needed that tonight. To remind myself that even though I'm far from perfect and on my own healing journey and have plenty of faults and flaws...he HAD to devalue and discard because he got tired of holding up his mask and all the work he put in to roping me in. It's not me, it's him. It's really, really him. I was SO open to compromise and flexibility. SO open to communication and giving him "space". I was even fine with an open relationship and ethical non-monogamy! What more could the man want from me? After all, he was the one who called me "wifey material" and said verbatim I was out of his league. I know I was being rational. I was being reasonable and realistic. HE was not. HE was not vulnerable. I was vulnerable!! He ran away like a cowardly little wormy snake! 🐍He's the one with something to hide!! Losing a woman like me can be his cross to bare for life!!! I know my worth now!!!
I purpose to attain your level of insite and healing.
His bad ass karma is losing the beautiful you. Stay strong. 😊
Yeah, mine was trying the open relationship, non-monagamy with me. He withheld the truth from me as long as he could. I told him that I would not go along with that. He told me that I had trust issues. I told him we were done and have not seen him since, although he tried several times to get me to let him come over. Then he started accusing me of never wanting a relationship with him, on and on. Funny thing is, all that he accused me of was the exact things that he had said to me all along. I told him the exact opposite of what I was being accused of. I haven't spoken to him since. I'm done with what he calls "the bullsh*t". Should have done it sooner.
Vengeance is their way. My brother is suing me for the second time. Both times don't make any sense to anyone but him.
Dr Carter you are saving my life with your help and assistance! I really needed to hear This particular message today! This insanity seems to be having no end in sight. It is mind bending. I am so grateful to have you as my ally. God bless you.
Same thing here 🙏🏻
The narc in my life makes fun of me for watching ur videos 🤷♂️
Yup. I hear you about how insane it gets. I literally questioned my sanity for 30 years
@@shelteredsparrow2736 wowed
Thanks for your awesome educating & all you share and care ❤️🙏🏼 Doc
I would definitely say they thrive on making or trying to make others feel very uncomfortable. Or, maybe some sort of sadistic pleasure in upsetting people for their own amusement.
Of course I don't know everything and look forward to the video.
You're on target, Amanda!!
Easy agreement with Dr. C here. That targeted disequilibrium is designed to keep you off balance. Seeing their ghoulish joy in causing all of that is downright scary. Sooo glad the blinders are off to see things as they really are.
@@aaronkwolfe agreed 👍
Yes sadistic pleasure is spot on for their sick amusement!!
Your understanding of the subject, and ability to articulate with simplicity is exceptional. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful! Thank you, Tom.
"It's not unusual ", Tom Jones. Sorry, couldn't resist!
I learned to NO and goodbye and meant it.
❤❤❤❤❤❤ My 99 year old Father just passed away. I am so thankful you and others help heal me at age 62, before he passed. ❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉