Narcissistic Lies or Different Version of Reality?
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- Narcissism is characterised by delusions of grandeur, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, being disagreeable and highly resistant to criticism. Narcissism is also part of what's referred to as 'The Dark Personality', which also consists of Machiavellianism, sadism and psychopathy.
This video looks at the inner world of narcissistic people and discusses the motivations behind and characteristics of the lies they tell to protect a fragile sense of self.
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The Dark Personality
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The Dark Empath
• The Dark Empath
The Dark Triad
• The Dark Triad
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This video is for information purposes only and not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
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"To the narcissist, these are not lies as such. To the narcissist, it's the version that _should_ be true."
I wasn’t sure who had said that originally but someone in the comments told me it was Todd Grande. Give credit where it’s due I think
That seems like the moralistic fallacy.
I agree with that. It’s totally crazy making as are many things in relationships with such people.
The worst lying narcissist is the religious one.
A lie repeated a thousand times does not become the truth. Thank you Darren.
however, to narc, it does become the truth. i'm serious.
True
@@spaideman7850Thats what they want you to think.
The lie if repeated a thousand times is more likely to be remembered than the truth. Narcs rig the the game to suit their own narrative
Sadly, it does to the narc. Mine accused me of something horrible I never did. I found out years ago HE had been doing it. To this day, he believes I did it though. Hands down it’s like he truly deeply believes in it. It’s a delusion. It’s crazy making and heartbreaking.
"For the narcissist, reality is an aggression"
Lies are their home.
"Early to bed , late to rise
Be toxic as Hell and tell more *lies* "
- the narcissist's ode .
Love it!
🤭😫😂
My narc mother liked to talk as if things were the way she wished they were instead of the way things actually were.
filter drive
I always struggle with knowing if my mom is truly delusional or if she knows that she’s lying. I’ve watched so many videos about whether one is true or the other. But I think I’m sort of searching for someone to tell me something to make my reality easier to digest. Not really sure what that would be. I have to make the decision to acknowledge what I can never understand and move on in reality, not in her delusional world that she has orchestrated either way.
I like that last point. The truth is actually irrelevant.
All these lies show what utter contempt they have for us.
And how fundamentally dishonest they are.
Yes, and most of their lies are silly immature lies. And when you call them out, there’s no response. They don’t care wether you believe them or not, It’s their way or the highway. I wish I had of taken the highway years ago. 😉
I don't think so at all since they are completely self absorbed. It's just all about them.
Indeed, not to mention the obsession….
"They let people know *about* them, not necessarily get to *know* them." Yes!
Agree 100%!!
Kinda sorta
"Innocent bystanders in their own.lives". What a line!🙏
Thank you for this piece. 30 years ago I married a woman and had 3 children. Shortly after the third child, she “discovered” that she had Asperger’s Syndrome. She abandoned the family because she was being “abused.” In 20 years of therapy for me and for the children, no one ever mentioned that she could be a narcissist and no one laid out the behavior patterns as well as you have. This woman fits your behavior patterns perfectly.
Yeah. Elon Musk has recently come out saying he thinks he's got Asperger's syndrome. I saw an answer to this on Quora that was devastating and surgical in its accuracy. My son had Aspergers and he cared deeply for others, more deeply than anyone I've ever known. My parents and my ex are narcs. There is nothing but a small bit of Venn diagram overlap of superficialities. No. Nice try, hassnat. He checks all the boxes for Narc.
@@taom9004 of course, it's not impossible to be on the autistic spectrum *and* be a narcissist.
Protect your children. As a child of a narcissist mother I can tell you the damage is deep and will never be resolved. Therapy is needed.
It’s totally true I was married w one and it’s exactly, another important information about it, they avoid intimacy, I was going crazy because I never met a man that would not get existed sleeping w a beautiful woman in a society view!
That triggered my initiation for the study about Nars .
It’s unbelievable true !
Same here. Zero interest from the get go. Zero intimacy - not emotional, not physical, zip. 😒 27 years later and I'm pretty sure he is a covert narcissist - he meets all the criteria to a tee. 🤔🙄 I've had enough of the mind games, the selfish behaviour and the constant passive-aggressive 'punishment'. I'm leaving! 🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️🏃🏼♀️
I have recorded conversations because of the lies. Then when Narcissa found out about that she claimed to be a victim of me.
Of course! Perpetual victim!
Of course. You had the power to expose her so she had to hit first and discredit you. Typical. I’m sorry.
I hope you’re safely away from them now??
Absolutely she did. I once had help writing a narc as NOTHING ever worked in dealing with them. Never had to do that before or since - of course it was my fault. Good riddance!
Mine attacked me for my phone then called the cops and put me in jail with false accusations... still trying to get out of this nightmare.
Same. It sucks. And in the end, he won’t listen to the recording. Or if he does, he’ll look me in the eyes and act like he heard something completely different, or he’ll have an excuse for what he said. And in this world of manipulation and delusion and crazy making you’re experiencing, you hope others will listen when the narc is lying about you. But no one wants to. So you’re left with the truth in your hands on your phone. And nearly no one cares 😔
They also gain kudos in the moment by making promises about good deeds then never follow through. All they wanted was the admiration of others. It was just lies.
I’ve noticed this too! It’s a consistent pattern. The kudos of the moment outweighs the fact that they’re losing trust day by day…. It’s a very simplistic way of thinking.
@@mtc-j9iyou might be giving them too much credit when you say thinking. A lot of times it feels like they're shooting from the hip
Spot on. For the narcisist a lie is not a lie but a version that should be true. 😂 thank you 🙏 Darren.
They often treat the truth like 'seasoning.' In other words, they tell a lie, but pepper enough truth into them, that makes them seem plausible. An example from my past: a man I loved, years ago, moved away, but had been keeping in touch with me. I was too young at the time to move out (still in h.s.), so had to live with a long-distance relationship.
My n-mother (plus, his n-father) told me that he was "shacked up with an older woman who had a couple of kids." I learned later that he actually was living with his aunt on his father's side, who, lo and behold! Had a couple of kids - his cousins!! All for the sake of painting him as a bad person. Narcs are evil to the core.
🎉🎉🎉absolutely
i hate i need to know this
Now, that's a fascinating comment! I know what you mean.
Not knowing felt worse!
I'm not sure they have ever been able to delineate truth from fantasy. If it was a ven diagram it would be 2 circles almost completely overlapping. What is important to them is what will be believed and what they can get away with. This is after all what a toddler does.
I’d like to hear about narcissistic argument practices, like blowing up and creating chaos when confronted. Thank you.
The reason why the narcissist lies is there is a subconscious balance (mechanism) that controls both the narcissist's ego and shame. As the narcissist's ego gets bigger and bigger over time their tolerance to shame works in reverse and becomes lower and lower. Like I have alluded to before narcissists who lie at the extreme end of narcissism exhibit both highly profound egos and highly profound low tolerance levels to shame.
In normal individuals the ego and shame appear to work together on a subconscious level to prevent one another from getting out of control.
This is why the narcissists (in their mind) have to be always right and the other person has to be always wrong. In those who exhibit extreme narcissism (which includes malignant narcissists) the narcissist's ego has become so inflated that creating a false reality is far better than accepting reality as accepting reality the narcissist must confront their profoundly low tolerance levels (inner fear) to accept shame.
This also explains why narcissists at this level, when caught in a lie, will do and say literally anything to prevent from being shamed in any way. As well, since image is everything to the narcissist, the narcissist must get revenge (vindictive) at all costs as revenge (harming / hurting the other person) temporarily boosts their narcissist's ego to make the narcissist's ego feel better. Likewise, as the narcissist's ego gets its needed boost then ironically so does the narcissist's alter-ego counterpart > "shame," which gets its needed boost as well (or in this case the "shame" begins to relax again and feel better about itself).
The creation of a false reality is necessary in a narcissist as image is not only everything but the narcissist has to elude that they are also the image of perfection. Anything or anyone that tarnishes the narcissist's otherwise false reality / image "must" be punished at all costs.
This is why those who recognize the individual may be an extreme or malignant narcissist should avoid the narcissist at all costs as the narcissist at this level does not even deal with reality any longer due to their profound egos and profoundly low tolerance to shame and the ego/shame inability to regulate one another on the subconscious level is no longer functioning normally.
Narcissists at this level will literally do whatever it takes to destroy the other person's life once they have been shamed (be the narcissist's shame real or imaginary).
Nothing else matters at this point as when the narcissist's ego has been perceived harmed / threatened their extremely low tolerance to shame kicks in to seek punishment in the opposing individual (to boost the narcissist's highly profound ego).
It's just a theory, but the theory appears to work and explains very succinctly why and how narcissists think and operate according to the behaviours narcissist(s) exhibit.
A narcissist's version of reality (everything) has to be always always "right" as to accept anything less is to admit they are wrong and to admit they are wrong inevitably evokes their profound inability to cope with their (profound out of balance inner fear) shame.
Great explanation. Bravo
I buy it, the most narcissistic people I've met lived in near squalor yet they were all seemingly reasonably intelligent and I could never understand how they could live in filth it seemed like a huge contradiction
@@runswithraptors It's great to know that some people actually understand what I am talking about in relation to narcissism and how behavior is directly related to an individual's ego and shame....
@@happycat0411 The last part sums it up... "Splitting" results in seeing things in extremes, their is no middle ground, it's either all right/all wrong, all good/all bad, so admitting they're wrong means they're all wrong/all bad which causes intense feelings of shame to surface. I was married to a vulnerable narcissist and became very familiar with how it all works... it's insanity.
@@JohnWayne-86ed Of course! When the ego gets to the point where the narcissist has the need to be "right" at whatever cost then their tolerance to any kind "shame" becomes near or close to zero, which makes the narcissist impossible to reason what on any level whatsoever. Everything is filtered through their enormous "egos" and / extremely low tolerance level to shame.
That is precisely why severe narcissists cannot deal with reality as reality forces the narcissist to deal with their inner faults / flaws which evokes their "shame" as a result.
My husband once said to me all you have to do is lye big,than they'll believe you! That was a clue,that he's a big lier.and he thinks I can't figure him out,what a narc.
The last 3 mins of this video
is quite telling on the grand scheme of things- all related to the narcissist personality.
My own mom lies about me, convincing others that I'm crazy and can't be trusted or believed. She had even showed up at my work and tried to get me fired, trying to convince the people I work with that I'm a horrible person. I ended up having to move to a different county and tranfer my job there. I think her relationships are very superficial. While I had only married 1 time and after 20 years, we're still together. In that same time my mom had married and divorced 3 times. She's my mom, but I don't feel like I know her. And I don't think she knows me. I don't think she could ever answer basic questions about me, like what my favorite color or ice cream flavor is. Things I imagine other mothers would know about their kids. And I feel like her marriages were more about what she could get out of it and not about love and affection. Once she's gotten whatever she could gain out of one relationship, she moves on to another. It's really sad. It might have worked out for her so far, but I think she may eventually find herself to be a very lonely person.
I’m so so very sorry.
My niece’s mom does the same to her but she’s only 8. NMom tried saying, “she was biting, hitting, cussing, throwing things and lying.” This child has never said a curse word in their life. She is the gentlest, sweetest little girl.
When I asked the little brother, the golden child, if sister did any of that? He said “no. But She throwed a toy.” Meanwhile, he punches, hits and pinches his older sister. And NMom encourages it.
My question is: what can I do to help my niece? I cannot control her mother, obviously, but what can I do? I feel like her mom allows brother to abuse her in place of her doing it with her own hands.
My mom is the same… it truly can mess with your head. The only way for me to deal with her is to not deal with her. She lies, projects, involved herself in my divorce and of course was against me and for my ex.. she created so much drama and pain it’s truly mind blowing. Not an ounce of compassion for me just hatred. I haven’t spoken to her in 9 years. She’s too toxic and damaging to allow around. Sad for her.. she has created so much drama with her triangulating. It’s almost like she’s obsessed with hurting me. I cannot believe this woman cared for me as a child.. I’m still clueless to what I did to deserve this treatment.
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong 🙏🏻🫶🏻
My mom is worse because she does the knowing what you want for Christmas but every year but she is screwed up in every other way towards me and many other people including her own husband=FAKE empathy + NO empathy if you are her husband (my shitty pussified SO-CALLED "Dad") or a hated son out of her 4 kids
I have a work colleague with a disabled child. But nobody can talk about their struggles because try being her! 😐 if u say u haven’t slept in a week, she hasn’t slept in 13 years. If u say you’re tired she will rant about why she’s more tired. If u say you sat in A&E for 8 hours well she sat for 14. It’s got to the point where people in my work don’t even talk openly about their kids anymore which is sad. I also recently discovered some ppl in my work r going through some difficult times; one colleague is on antidepressants, one her dad died, and another is going through money issues. But people have stopped talking about their problems because of her. She’s toxic to the core
Thank you so very much for this brilliant overview of why a narcissist lies. Having been one of those “unfortunate facts” that required altering within the communal narcissists that are my family, I truly appreciate your discussion of this topic. Thank you!
Oh yeah! They withold the most important information and when they are confronted, they accuse you of not trusting them and being suspiciuos and disloyal to them. And yes, my coleague held my misplaced documents for a fortnight before putting them secretly back on my desk. She has happened to have a history of lawsuits and arguments with management and other colleagues for over a decade. Now I know the name for it. Thank you✨💛
Amen!! This could be the first video on narcissism covering every single type of lie they spout.
Those last quotes perfectly sum up the times we live in.
The last days of man’s governmental system Daniel 2 verse 44
Thanks Darren, an excellent insight and thought provoking video. Possibly wrong about this, but In case it helps your search for the source of the line "To the narcissist, they aren't lies as such, its the version which should be true" -- That line and sentiment reminds me of a section in Dr. Todd Grande "5 Characteristics of the Narcissist's Lies" (aprox 7m in) in essence truth is frequently repulsive, therefore to them they are not lying, they are just setting the record straight, to tell the truth would cause receiver injury.
Thanks for that I’ll have a look. It was actually an article I’d read so maybe they’d cited him, or he’d cited them. One way or another I appreciate the info 👍
It can be quite uncomfortable If you happen to be the fact that needs to be altered. Thank you Darren.
Yes the lies are piling up and I DO remember them. All of them. It’s now a mountain.
What a nightmare!
Exactly. 👍
Hi Dr. Darren.
Thank you for addressing this topic.
I hope to add that this is commonly found in institutions with narcissists as managers superiors or people running agencies lying to cover up their crimes.
I've been involved with an institution and the superiors using the lie that a client doesn't have a right to report a sex crime, a rape threat, a death threat, or any problems outside of the institution from a client inside the institution unless the staff sees it.
For a year-and-a-half I've been trying to protect the rights of the disabled going to this institution, but are denied of rights to file written complaints.
On Friday January 20 2023, I got to the bottom of their lies n excuses by going straight to the ACLU, only to find out these superiors and quote "professionals" are breaking federal civil rights statutes.
All agencies institutions and workplaces must allow client students and employees the RIGHT to report sexual crime and the agency institutions must record the complaint. Especially any Institute involving the disabled.
I wonder why the superiors have been denying clients to file complaints???
Perhaps it's to cover up their own crimes abusing the disabled!
This must be what the Bible means when it says it is easier to thread a camel through the eye of a needle than for a rich [person] to get to Heaven. The more evil you are, the more you rise up? Or, the more opportunities to sacrifice your integrity? Those who refuse to sacrifice their integrity don't get promoted while those who will literally do anything to get the promotion, including stabbing every single person in the back, end up getting promoted.
They would lie if the truth made more sense.
I'd be surprised if they knew the difference
I was venting in my kitchen this morning (it's a coping mechanism) and blurted out the line: "Learn to cope with reality, Mom!"
I wasn't ranting to/about my mother.
I realized that that particular behavior was a trigger: denying reality because it isn't the way you wanted the world to be. My mother did it all the time.
Literally half an hour later, I see this video pop up on my feed.
That’s what I can never understand is why they can just say I made a mistake. I say it all the time I’m human I’m not prefect I can say I don’t know everything! That what my narcissistic husband did tried to true my own family against me like to push me out of the way so he could get the attention. It was so weird I couldn’t believe it he would put me down in front of my Mother and my Aunt. I told him once their my family they love me not you it’s because they don’t understand anything about loyalty or love
Spot on! My mother has burnt me or shed a very bad light on me to her mental health worker, she's been admitted many times to hospital. So for years and years I've been here battling against the system trying to get mum help. Her partner Fortunately for me has gone in to bat for me over the recent years to the mental health team to say hey listen to her. He's also suffered and been attacked verbally when my mum's manic. Mums so good at putting on a grammy performance when the mental health team arrives for a check up she has them fooled. I would think the professionals would have enough training to see through her bs. It's only very recently after mums prolonged period of pyschosis that's something she couldn't hide they are now listening to me. It's been hell for 9 years now. I'm the buffer here for the other children who continue on with thier own lives ECT. They hardly ring or anything but demand to be updated. She will lie to anyone including my other siblings I find myself constantly defending, explaining myself. I'm over it!!
OMG … hit the nail on the head!
Brilliant from the first word to the last! Thanks so much for giving such a clear and comprehensive message on this very important topic. I'll be listening to this video many times to make sure I grasp everything you have said here. I have heard someone say on RUclips that if their mouths are moving, they're lying. Your video takes this comment to a whole new level, especially the thought you leave us with at end this presentation - namely, that they believe they are not lying, per se, just sharing the version that should be true, a belief that is in a sense another one of their lies, ironically. When a narcissist says they are not lying, they are lying.
Great comment, exactly agree with you. my feeling is to their false self, it is truth they are telling, self deluded to a whole new level these folk.
@@KaiZen... Precisely!
@@copacetictranquillam8154I feel for you... Yep! Been there done that! But now is the time to heal and be happy. Still, for me, there's something missing when it comes to understanding why they are the way they are. The reasons I've heard on the Internet just don't feel very satisfying somehow. For instance, where do narcissist find time to manufacture all of their craziness? It would take me forever to learn how to lie the way they do to say nothing of all the other antisocial tricks they have up their sleeves! Seems they have been preprogrammed to interact the way they do with other people, as in demonic possession -- and psychotherapy may not be equipped to deal with this condition.
OMG…nailed it!
@@jolly7728 'The Little Shamen' on RUclips is also extremely knowledgeable in this topic and has explained the reasons for their Narcissism.They are hideous people.Hope you are healing and happy and that goes for everyone unfortunate enough to have come into contact with these monstrous people.
Absolutely spot on. Pathological liars can really take people for a ride until that person becomes the central focus of their lies. However, these people still have difficulty admitting that the lies about you, that they heard previously, have no foundation in reality. It is often “no smoke without fire” when the constantly repeated lie is about someone else and not them.
You nailed it!
Wound up in the hospital with dangerously low potassium and anemia a couple weeks ago. My dad was somewhat helpful, even hunting down a nurse when no one was taking care of me after a few hours (of course he doesn't want me to actually die... who would he brag to and hold hostage to his ego if I died?) but once it was certain I was being taken care of, it suddenly became all about how he wasn't feeling good even while I was still laying on the hospital bed struggling to maintain consciousness. He didn't need hospitalization but trust him, it was much worse than what I was going through. He often gets dizziness (due to his medications that he needs because he refuses to take care of his physical health) so when I got dizzy and fainted he was telling me 'welcome to the club, now you know how I feel all the time'. My dude, you don't faint or need hospitalized, these are not the same. I have no doubt vertigo sucks but you don't have to try and compete with someone losing consciousness and control of their own muscles. It was so surreal to be nearly paralyzed from electrolyte imbalance and hearing my dad complaining about how he doesn't feel good and the chair's uncomfortable.
I didn't know communal narcissists were a thing. My dad super hates other narcissists. I've always assumed it was a common feature that they wouldn't want the competition. Interesting.
I hope you get better swiftly, stay well and stay away from those who resent you for getting more attention.
Priorities are for you only and you can say you need to rest to have your privacy. That is true. You need rest. Look into re-mineralising your body. Dr Eric Berg and others like him advise on how soil has been depleted by big Pharma and big Agriculture to get you dependent on them, and what you can do to help yourself.
That’s incredible that he said “
Welcome to the club, my ex said the same when I saw a man die in my hands n I talked about going to a therapist , her woes n vertigo was always much worse than anything I ever had. The level of victimhood was 🤮🤮🤮
If you've broken your neck, the narc has a hangnail!!!
Similar, but much less extreme story here. My partner has occasional dizziness and occasions of very low grade fever. I got sick and had two days with fever over 102 degrees. I was still responsible for getting the kids ready for school and most other household duties, and the most I really got was a similar "now you know how I feel all the time."
Quoting my favorite line from the Doctor just made my day!! Love your videos. I find your descriptions and explanations extremely helpful.
Absolutely brilliant, thank you Darren.
Thanks for this information, Darren! I'm fairly certain my supervisor is a narcissist, and your videos are helping me to dig myself out of the physical and emotional black hole that I've fallen into since I started working there. Ultimately, I'm planning to leave because several people have complained about her but nothing will ever be done about it..and I've finally convinced myself that my own mental health should take priority after 3 miserable years. BTW- Points for the Doctor Who reference!
I have been listening to narcissism videos for over a year now, and I think this is the most valuable and concise summary of what this looks like on a practical level. Dr. MaGee, if you see this, this would absolutely be worth revisiting in a new video. I feel like this kind of information is what helps me to unravel and understand the last 40 years of my life.
They live in a fantasy world where they are the star and everyone else has to be their lackies. And they have to have the last word.
Forgot to thank you as well Darren. Thanks a lot as well together with your team.
I sent a gift to a family member that claimed they never received it even though there was proof of delivery. I tried for weeks to track it down to no avail. A couple of years later I found the gift at this persons house. The idea that someone would lie like that was terrifying to me and I became very afraid of this person. Like shaking scared. I mean is this lying for fun? I soon discovered the motive was to manipulate other family members into believing I never sent gifts and didn’t care about them. I sent a birthday card to one of these elderly family members with whom this person lives and surprise! They didn’t get that, either. I stopped sending gifts so I guess they win?
Good info, very eye opening! Just recently was on a receiving end of a complexely structured narc lie, from a person, whom I have been trying to go no contact with, so they sneak-in messages in SM. They tried to absolve themselves through this lie, so it seems: "I just had all those feelings inside me, I did not handle them in the best way, yes, I thought it was unfair that you get to leave me and live your life while I can't live mine, so I smeared your name a little, I deliberately hurt your feelings, and I hassled you a little in your everyday life. But now you are off my shitlist as I see that there're no villains in this story." So imho they basically set out to absolve themselves in their apology and threw in a transactional piece into the mix: "but see, I am absolving you too" even though I am the victim and they are the perpetrator... So disheartening and infuriating at the same time. Like yet another stab in the gut. No contact is best..
Communal narcissism, Does Anyone see that in the socio-political sect that can't accept reality is what it is no matter how hard they try to twist the definitions of normal things around to fit their agendas?
...the woke.
For most of my life, I just couldn’t, wouldn’t believe people could be this consistently nasty. I told myself, there must be something wrong in the way I’m perceiving reality. After being hurt by someone I later learned has narcissistic tendencies, I see that my perception of reality is actually pretty good. It’s often been others’ manipulations of my perceptions that has caused trouble. I already know how to relate to and help others. I’m learning late in life to trust myself more.
Great information, thank-you Darren. Seems politics these days is seriously enmeshed with this personality.
My mother was a government worker, and as such had a certain amount of power. She was able to completely lie and deflame me to her co-workers (who mostly never met or laid eyes on me) to enlist support for her destruction of me. My crime, running away from home at 14 and working as a live-in babysitter to escape her. Her flying monkeys never stopped, until they destroyed everyone in her wake. She completely destroyed my family.
What I did learn was how stupid and gullible people are. Flying monkeys that act on the scenarios of narcissists are every bit as guilty as the narcissists themselves; in fact, the flying monkeys are their weapons.
I trust no one, and I guestion everyone. And the harder someone works to convince me someone is inappropriate, the more I ignore them and judge for myself.
For a narcissist I know, lying is a reason to feel good about himself. He is proud of been a ggod liar! He also praises good liars as he believes it's a good thing to twist reality and make it appears better than it is as if this would prevent people from suffering. If the intention is good, but it showed me over time that hell is paved with good intentions. That said, those presumably "good" intentions are all about making the narcissist look good...
There's so much gas lighting in the situation I'm in that there's going to be one almighty explosion soon!
thank you, this video, is both great, and horrible, because it is dead on
“It’s the version that should be true”
Well there are many enablers that don't care about reality either or to check facts will even accuse the victim the narcissist lies about of being the liar themselves so for the victim it does feel like an alternate reality because of the gaslighting. I don't even want to talk to most people anymore I've no more tolerance for the drama and expected people pleasing of yes I'll just play the villian so you can be the hero yes I'll do all the work you take all the credit etc. Some people are so selfish in their mind you owe them your life or something. Some people do just have different cultures and are incompatible no common interests etc. but a narcissist will expect you to change and adapt to their abusive behaviour because that's normal to them and if you act happy about it then you end up living a lie.
My lunatic ex girlfriend with NPD had Covid a few weeks ago, and for some reason she texted me to let me know. I wished her well and at the time I also had a terrible respiratory infection and I told her I was also feeling poorly and it was going around, but I hope she feels better. She then went nuts on me and got mad because I was sick too and I was always trying to one up her. I promptly told her to go fly a kite and blocked her.
🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌🙏🏽🙌
Thank you.
This is an epidemic.
Could you give some examples of ‘communal narcissists’? I’m thinking political parties and cults…
I’ve made a video on communal narcissists if you’d find that interesting?
Would also like some examples. This is an entirely new concept to me as narcissists I know personally seem to hate other narcissists, identifying their own problematic behaviors immediately in others and steering clear of them (unwanted competition). But I can see your thinking with political parties, for sure.
The black sheep in the middle of the commune over here-can’t wait to get the heck out!!
Your examples are making me laugh... because unfortunately, I’ve actually heard - and have sadly been on the receiving end of - some of them before. Very insightful and helpful presentation. Thank you 😊
Mother and son, holier than… themselves, despite the FACTS.
Their selfishness and sadism tendencies are really hard to take…ugh. They mix it with shows of pretense and future faking. First time noticed a narcissist was angry and irritated dysregulated when I was sharing a long awaited success. So confusing until you have a real understanding of what drives these people. Not normally what you’d expect or makes sense.
One minute into this video there is an ad, Please move it as I wanted to switch off.
I do not understand. How out of touch with reality are the narcissist. Unfortunately, I have had quite a few narcissists in my life. When they're doing character assassination on someone. Do they themselves believe what they accuse the person of. Or do they know deep down that they are lying and exaggerating? When they manipulate, are they aware of what they are doing. Or is it unconscious?
They don't like themselves that's why they have to lie, and when you catch them you're threatening their reality.
I used to think my husband was just daft, but realized he is telling these lies on purpose., to cause people distress, especially me. I wanted to sell our car to my brother in law, and he knew it was important to me and my brother in law really wanted it, so he told the wrong mileage on the car.,deal squashed, and he enjoyed it! causing me distress. I caught on, gave him the right info and the deal went through.
It's to a narcissists advantage to gaslight you into being their fool. When we go out into the world we look back and feel like we were just suckers. Our narc parent never cared about our well being. The proofs in the pudding. Glad my narc recruiter teacher's dead.
This is one of the best videos on RUclips. Thank you.
Chilling!!!! "The version that SHOULD be true".
Alter the facts to fit their views... I found this teaching of information very helpful and insightful as I am pressing on to understand more about my soon-to-be ex-husband.
He told me even his counselor said he has narcissistic traits. I looked at him and I said well there right you do and I have been learning about it.
My husband stopped over the other night quite unexpectedly, I did not have to let him in, but there were some things I had to talk to him about and let him know. Neither one of us was angry and actually quite come except I knew that he and his adulteress had one of their big and since it is colder up here in the Northeast of the U.S., he had nowhere to go except his wife's house. His conversation went along the lines of wanting to come back and that he loved me. So I calmly told him that's the marriage is over and I could never trust him again. That he had done such damage to the marriage it was too late.
We said some other things to each other and nothing was nasty or mean. But the things I needed to say to him, I did. When my clock struck 10 p.m. he got up and was in a rush to leave and said he had to sleep in the car. It didn't take long for me to see that everything he said was just another bunch of lies to find a place to stay until maybe she cooled down and he wasn't cold. I did not believe him at all about the love and wanting to fix our marriage, except maybe a little truth that he wanted the marriage to be fixed so that he has a better environment to live in then he has now. Apparently she is no housekeeper or cook. So I know the certain things he is missing.
I told him this is the choice he made and once the divorce goes through he cannot come over anymore. Knowing how he is, or I should say knowing better, how he is, I am sure he'll stop over again in the future.
But I won't be opening the door anymore! My heart is not hard towards him, but to continue with adultery draws a very thick line. He broke my heart badly.
I have forgiven him, which I told him, but I also said that I could never trust him again. And that is needed in a marriage to make it work.
Thank you Darren for all your help and information!
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Not the version that should be true, the version that “needs” to be true to protect the ego. Narcissists don’t lie, they project the reality that is necessary to protect a fragile ego, misguided belief or bad behaviour, under the guise of their own grandiose sense of self worth.
Ultimately, every lie is to protect a false self and fragile ego. The grandiose sense of themselves is a defence mechanism against reality. While they lack empathy, they know what it is but I think that’s where the battle is. It’s simply a gross misunderstanding of their own feelings or what to do with them.
Well put as usual Darren, can’t you get it on the school curriculum please to prevent more unnecessary suffering.
I've had this done to me.
This explains the behavior and thinking of TRAs in a nutshell.
This was so helpful. You put into words, my thoughts, feelings & experience in a way I could never do. Thank you so very much
One of the funniest and intriguing things I've witnessed is narcissistic people caught on camera stealing or vandalizing. They will lie like their life depended on it and when confronted with camera evidence of their crime and subsequent lying, they double down.
Great info. Impressively moisturized face!
Darren, spot on as usual. Thanks for your consistent professional videos...always top-notch.
I was brought up to believe I am special by two narcissists. They failed. I don't even think I'm very successful. Life takes narcissism out of you, unless you are going to sit there torturing yourself with resentment, for something that is partially your own fault anyways.
Did they bring you up to believe you were special only to tear you down later? Or did they always tell you you were special? Because I realize now that as a kid I would swing wildly between excessive self-esteem (braggadocios behavior that I now fully understand why other children hated) and no self-esteem at all (severe depression included) because my dad was giving me extremely mixed messages. One minute I was the best thing in the world, bragged about to all who would listen, my accomplishments made larger and grander to the point I even believed them, but then in private I was a terrible person who couldn't do anything right and made others miserable just by existing.
Thank you Darren! Great video!
I really appreciate your videos. They explain so much and help keep me sane while I’m getting out of my narcissistic marriage. ❤
*Authenticity is Words that Match Actions, with Consistency.
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Smiles ♡DrWho 💞
My narc sister screamed ' where's my money' right after my mom died. She announced she was stinking rich through inheritance and cussed out everybody she knew, telling them all the stuff she had planned to buy everybody but not now. She was starting a vineyard and moving to Hawaii. My family isn't rich and I can't fathom why she did this. It was bad..she didn't get anything. My older narc sister stole it.
No tellers in heaven good luck dealing w death that way 🙏🏽🙌💯
I wrote a song about my experience with a narcissist and alcoholic wife, it’s called EQUATOR… Look UP RUclips for Dave Trimm -- love the content here
So true. I am older than my ex who left me to be with a teenager since August. He knew I sold my small unit and he extorted so much money off me. It was a long weekend and he thought I was'nt going to wire him the funds. He then turned so abusively hostile to say I am a pediphile who betrayed him. It is just shocking! 💔
So true. I have had that happen to me at my former workplace
This is really well presented.
Religion is the proof. A story to Believe the narrative without evidence.
My life has been a big lie and controlling game from 13 till 41 I wood imagine that family dynamics and it started from issues at my work place and I was blamed for that safe fam
It amazes me how the proof is slapping them in the face and they still beat the table demanding to be believed… and if you don’t then you are the crazy one.
MIL lied and said I raised my finger at her during an argument which luckily nobody that she told believed..I finally saw her true face after she did that.
My sister is very much narcissistic however she also suffers from a very low self esteem yet she is every thing that you've shared here. There is no talking to her on it and she has even accused professional psychiatric help as being wrong in diagnosis.
She is divorced and lonely, will say and do anything to have power over the people in her life. She will come up with different stories as to why people can't leave her and pursue their own lifes.
Our covert narc neighbour and her flying monkey husband have delighted in preventing us from selling our house for approaching two years by refusing to cooperate with a problem concerning the deeds. We have tried everything to get them to cooperate but now have to take court proceedings. I have warned them that this is a road none of us want to go down and suggested that they seek advice but they have ignored us. The evidence against them is overwhelming. I'm almost embarrassed for them because this could well be catastrophic for them but they seem oblivious and nonchalant. I can only think she has told so many lies and so many people have believed them that she feels invincible. I think he just buries his head in the sand. They have no idea what lies just around the corner. Neither do we really, just that it's going to be very, very bad. And all we ever wanted to do was sell our house to move far, far away from them. It's an insane situation.
Again spot on, as far as I can tell from 1st hand experience. Too bad that others often fall too easily for these lies, because the narc. can tell these lies quite convincingly.
With one specific covert narc. I find that most of his lies about me & others are 100% projections of his own sick behaviour. For anybody aware of it, it is plain to see...still, he's convinced of his own lies.
Disgusting & plain bad people!
Thx you Darren
Great explanation much appreciated
As always you’re ✔️✔️✔️all the boxes …
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Love to gorgeous puppy Freud 😁🐶💖
In my experience, if they're lying about something that can't be proven, like why they did something or what they knew or felt at some time in the past, they 100% believe what they're saying. That makes them so much more convincing, because you might think they must be telling the truth, otherwise they're a world class actor (which they also might be).
When it's about something that can be proven, often they don't remember, or don't understand. They can't do 2 + 2 if it's in their interest to not be able to do it. I think the same mechanism worked in me when there were signs (which, looking back, were very obvious) that my ex was cheating on me, but the idea never entered my head. They have this protective stupidity when it suits them. And sometimes that undermines their position, they tell absurd lies that can be disproved easily, or make accusations that anyone could see are projections of their own issues onto others. Like when Trump misspoke about a hurricane's path and then altered a meteorological chart to "prove" he was right.
And of course sometimes they know they're lying, but those are situations are usually easier to spot unless they're a very good actor.
If you accuse them of 3 lies, but one was actually the truth, they'll probably be furious about the accusation for the 2 lies and they'll refuse to discuss them, but for the one that's true they won't be so angry, they'll be eager to show you the proof that they were telling the truth.
This reinforces my view that my mother is a narcissistic, and highlights the narcissistic tendencies I am now having to unlearn. It does link into the DARVO I now realise my mother uses, I would say to people it is unfair to say that my mother lies because she has rewritten reality to fit her view. Basically saying she is lieing but she believes it so completely it is truth to her, I doubt she would fail a polygraph if questioned.
OMG! My ex told the therapist, I think as an illustration of how impossible I was to live with, as evidence for my many sins, that when I was making a Mexican dinner for a whack of our friends, I had put 12 limes on the grocery list. He recounted, to the therapist, with a sneer, "NO one needs 12! limes." And he brought me home two. And of course, I have eight or 10 people coming in an hour, have been cooking all day, and we don't even have enough limes to do the drinks! So I freaked out. "What am I going to do?" "Sorry, these were the only two left in the ENTIRE store. [Wail! Hours of cooking and there is no Mexican without limes!] "Relax! I'll go to a different store and find more limes." And off he went. And I was left doing the last hour of heavy lifting on my own, when he came through the door at the eleventh hour, with ten more limes, the knight in shining armour. VOILA! WT ACTUAL F? I had NO idea he had been doing this. Then I thought back over all the freak outs, probably fabricated moments of distress, I had experienced over the three decades of marriage, and realised he had been setting me up, over and over and over, that's when I knew when he dumped me I was gonna let him dump me. Who does this? Who would lie about such a thing? How many thousands of little manipulations had I been subjected to which culminated in me saying things like, "Oh, thank God," or, "My hero." I know my blood pressure and bad cholesterol were through the roof and are now respectable, five years after we parted. This, this sneaky, weird, bizarre lying, in the end, was worse than being cheated on, which he also did. Two STI's in the first year we were together and I was none the wiser. He KNEW I had put down 12 limes on the list, but what a nutter was I. Nobody needs 12 limes!
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Interesting? A bit more. Sanity-affirming. Thank you. From another Dr.: Be Kind