Why I Decided To Transition And Then Detransition
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- Опубликовано: 14 мар 2021
- Here's my first video to try and describe my feelings on why I transitioned and why I decided to detransition.
0:01-0:44 / Introduction
0:45-9:29 / Why I decided to Detransition
9:30-16:40 / Why I decided to Transition
16:41-18:22 / Questions, Comments, Feel Your Feelings
Find my transition from female to male documentary at AYearInTransition.com
Again, this is all my story and journey and you can't compare or use it to generalize a community. Everyone is their own person and if this video resonates with you or a friend, then I'm glad you found it.
Thank you everyone for the continued support.
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Your experiences around feeling awkward and embarrassed at puberty happens to a lot of girls. I’m 12 years older than you and was raised by hippies. I was a total tomboy and had “boy clothes and toys” and my parents didn’t tell me to be feminine. I feel like if I didn’t know that girls could also be “masculine” and it’s ok I would have ended up transitioning too. It’s so important to let kids know that they’re male or female and they can like and wear a variety of things without it meaning that their body is wrong.
I feel like it would have been different for me as well if being masculine as a child was okay and liking the same sex! But also, my parents and family just weren’t educated at the time, but this is my life now so I have to accept my path.
I had a similar experience my parents were hippies too. Things got pretty dark and weird for me though not all "hippies" are what they seem. The hippy movement has its roots in Marxism and it's a disease. Some hippies are healthy balanced people my parents were far from that. You might read my comment here if you can find it. There is a fine line between being accepted as a "tomboy" and being groomed by parents with an agenda. I had the latter experience in the early 70s. I'm 58 and my experience was similar but I'm a man. Read my comment if you can find it.
I thank this person for the courageous video. I also was a total tomboy or maschietta, Italian for tomboy. Clothes, sports, car and motorcycles 🏍. My family was in between Victorian and modern. Manners were important. Yet I was so lucky being next to the last child. I would not have transformed as I adored being a tomboy and being attacked to males.
@@truescotsman4103 hippies so far from.marxism. they are liberals.
@@truescotsman4103 and Marxism have big differences with marxism
I detransitioned 2 years ago (ftm), I discovered through therapy that it was because if a SA that I went through. Not saying that's like that for everyone ofc, I love and respect the LGBTQ+ community❤
glad you found self awareness and self love! ❤️
@@aliaxismail thank you so much ❤ I wish you the best!
Honestly curious and have no disrespect, but is therapy not required before a medical transition?
@@courtneycoleman6849 like what does "feeling like a man/woman " even mean?
@@whitneyadedapo6121 okay well for an example. I’m a woman. I am not a man. I feel feminine. I have masculine qualities but have always known in my heart that I am very in touch with my femininity and I communicate that through feminine mannerisms, speech pitch and patterns, and the way I dress myself up and show myself to the world. And I’ve never felt in my heart that I’m a a man. If I can feel strongly this way being born a cisgendered woman and know that my womanhood is a part of who I am and I value it deeply; I understand how someone else might feel the same way even if they were assigned male at birth. I would feel intensely unhappy, deeply unnerved, and so unlike myself if I were to look in the mirror tomorrow and see a man. I would feel like I was forced to live someone else’s life and like I had lost a part of myself I was very fond of and well acquainted with. And I think people who are more androgynous or fluid have the same right to feel that way about both genders at different times (I definitely can recognize my masculine side/qualities, but they are not a part of who I am, if that makes sense). I assume you feel the same about your womanhood or manhood, right? Nobody has the exact same chemical soup in their bodies and brains so we may vary in expression but we all are pretty similar deep down inside. We just want to be free to live authentic to ourselves and our identities. But if you don’t understand or just can’t relate, it’s just important to remember that WE are the people we are going to live with for the rest of our lives and we need to pay attention to our needs regardless of what others may think. Again, I’ve been female since birth so I am cisgendered but this is just they way I explain it to MYSELF because that is how I relate to trans women: we both value and can feel our womanhood in ourselves. But I have some questions for you! 1. Do you feel the same about your womanhood or manhood? 2. Did this help to understand “feeling like a (man/woman)”? Let me know! :)
Funny I came across this video, I myself wanted to transition from MTF in my early 20's. I myself am a survivor of sexual abuse wanted to transition and when I went to therapy and the feelings of wanting to transition subsided as I dealt with my trauma. I have been seeing more and more of these videos and I think the clinical community needs to do more work in trauma related areas to make sure the transition phase is not based on trauma based issues and disassociation trauma induced issues. Then the decision to transition can be more concrete.....bless all those who suffer from child abuse its a life time of recovery and self-realization journey.
Thank you for commenting this! Sorry you had to go through something similar. I agree that I should have listened to myself more and to the other therapist that thought I should work through the trauma first as well. Life is a learning lesson though!
@@aliaxismail not a judgment call, I hope that’s not how my post came across. But sending you hugs 🤗 on your awakened journey
I agree that we should encourage therapy before medical transition BUT I also think adults should have the right to do whatever they want with their bodies even without therapy. Bodily autonomy is very important for all of us, it's not a right we can give away
@@alexshane5713 I can agree with that too!
There are 19 states that have passed laws against this and even questioning it from the therapist. My daughter just told me she wants to transition. I’m on a mission to learn all I can and to find out what is going on with this and what has happened to her. There’s a book by Abigail Shrier about this exact issue. Irreversible Damages
Thank you for telling your story. Also, thank you for not using it to discredit people for whom transition was welcomed and necessary. I believe detransition stories are very important and anyone considering transition should listen to stories like yours before hormones or surgery. It's the last thing people want to hear when they are in that place, but if anything resonates with them that's a red flag to slow down and think. I am sorry you made these huge changes in your body that did not benefit you. As a trans man, I know what not having your insides and outsides match feels like. I wish you well in your detransition and on down the road.
In the 90's there was a theory that girls and young women experiencing anorexia were not (as widely suggested) trying to be more feminine ... but were possibly trying to not be .. and that through starvation they avoided the breasts and curves of womanhood, along with the risks, dangers and over sexualising pressures on them as young women via the media and from the society around them .... espesially in cases where sexualising abuse had occurred. Also disassociation is itself a very common response to sexual abuse ... whether the sufferer is a boy or a girl and whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman. I know what I have said is not 'about trans, or about being trans. However, it seems to me that a lot of these feels expressed have been very common, possibly throughout history, for teen ages and young people when from their position of youth they look ahead to imagine themselves as adult men or women in this world as it is presented to them .. which in many ways is probably not very inspiring to either boys or girls. The standard stereo types pushed for men and for women aren't really very nice and I am not surprised that young people may wish to reject them as they stand. But men and women are not those stereo types. Sure we all have to work around the fact that stereo types do exist. But stereo types are not who any of us actually are. Because we are all individuals. You are the only you. I am the only me.
This was beautifully worded and thank you so much for the articulate thought. I agree with you and view life very similar. Thank you for that.
I had an eating disorder until I was about 26. For me it had nothing to do with gender disphoria. It had everything to do with love hunger and self hatred. I can only speak for myself, but I think the root cause is well know to be not feeling loved, affirmed, or valued as a child. Being raised by narcissist parents, alcoholics, will do this to a child.
@@lynnv8501 Teenage years are very often difficult and confusing. I hope you have come to know and love yourself better.
@@kfallon862 well, since I've read many books on the subject and have undergone lots of counseling, I've found while it may not be universal, it is common.
@@maxinewarnest894 I have. Thank you for being so kind.
dissociation, thats the word. i definitely was dissociating from myself when i incorrectly thought I was trans
makes sense. for me is now connecting with my body FOR ONCE in my life.
Other way around for me but glad you figured out who you are. :)
This is partially how I felt when I realized I was not a trans man or don’t resonate with it fully. But I found peace in being labeled as non-binary. I like the freedom it grants me. It perfectly defines my experience.
I’m still figuring myself out and I have been for a few years now. I’m pretty comfortable in identifying as non-binary, but I still question some things. I tend to avoid detransition content because the media tends to promote detransitioners who say anti-trans rhetoric, but their stories are still important and I think it’s wonderful when we can find people who recognise that transitioning wasn’t for them, but don’t hate the trans community
@@lostotter1956yes, same for me with both of your comments. Personally, I'm autistic and have never really felt fully like one of the girls or guys. I always saw biology as not super highly intertwined with my view of people and myself. Oc medically and hormonally that does affect how a person acts, feels and cares for their body, but I feel like there's so many non biological factors that affect a person's way of existing. Therefore I believe that finding myself involves a lot more than just adjusting the shape of my body or the bass of my voice, as for me that affects me a lot less than many other factors. But it may be more uncomfortable to others and I respect that. I hope one day I have enough content with the rest of my life, that I can decide whether or not I feel the need to transition, but in my existence, that discomfort comes and goes and it doesn't take up much space in comparison to like sensory overload, familial issues, cultural adaptation or health issues, unfortunately. I still much prefer they/them and don't identify with binary gender experiences, but I do relate to people of all genders about different things. I like knowing that there's more than two or four gender experiences, because growing up religious those were the only options and if you weren't cis, you weren't really true yourself. I remember the first time I had a best friend who was out as trans and had transitioned medically, relating to his feeling of dysphoria and trying out masc expression, but feeling out of place in myself. I enjoy "feminine" things, but I have a more "masculine" sense of social relatability, but I can still enjoy being around "femininely" socialising people or typically "masculine" activities, because I relate to all of them in different ways. I'm okay, if that ever changes.
It's very common for girls who are developing into women to be uncomfortable with their bodies. Our bodies mature far more quickly than our emotions do. I wore baggy clothes because I didn't want any male attention.
truth
This was very similar to what happened with me. Just before starting hormones, it clicked for me. I had been running away from myself and trauma. The only way to get away was to remake myself. We need to write a book about this because I feel like it would be really helpful for the correct generation.
I've been watching a lot of detransition videos as a trans person who hasn't gone on hormones yet but wants to. What I've learned is that this is something I can do long term and I'll be happy with. I know that I am not doing it for anyone else, I know I am mentally sound and healthy to make the decision (thank you therapy 🙏), and it is for me to boost my confidence further since I am comfortable with myself. I'm excited to go on hormones to see the person who I am.
Those who detransition are valid and it's okay. You all are awesome and I'm proud of you 💕
That’s awesome! And even if that all changes one day, that is okay for you too. Always listen to yourself and be happy. Good luck on your journey 💕
No such thing as trans
I really hope you see a non validating therapist. Many therapists that just agree and validate your ideas and feelings don't help you work through why you want to transition. Transition comes with major health and mental health damage.
I would encourage you to hold off on any medical intervention. There is no scientific evidence of health benefit to cross sex hormones in transgender people..
@@heatherstein8024 Bruh I've been on testosterone for for 5 months now and I'm doing great. My mental health has gotten so much better, I feel slightly more comfortable with being more active, but that will improve because I'm getting top surgery soon. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and if that's not a health benefit then I don't know what is.
And yes, my therapist approves what I am doing and didn't just follow along. Been a major help when it came to accepting myself and made sure I was mentally in a good headspace for me to physically transition.
Best decision I've ever made in my life
@@mage4423 There is a documented "honeymoon" period after people start transitioning, that then often fades. This seems to be especially true for the huge number of teen girls and young women who have pursued an opposite-sex identity in recent years. According to the first article on the s i t e, Society for Evi den ce Ba s e d G e n d e r Me d i c i n e, as many as 1/3 or more people are now de tr a n sit io n ing. I commend you for watching det ra ns videos. Time, reflection, and reading from across the ideological spectrum, are always wise ways to deal with any major life decision, if possible.
Please share more updates in the future. Many people depend on folks like you to help them with their own journey.
YOU resonate with me! Thank you for speaking your truth and being so vulnerable here. We are so malleable and change is all part of this journey. All we have to do is choose to love that journey best we can. 💞
Yes! Glad you found the video.
i am also a transgender and i have been thinking for this topic for a while now, thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one who is experiencing this
Of course!
Thanks for sharing. It’s so important to have a diversity of voices in the conversation. Thanks for your vulnerability, blessings on your journey!💕
Thank you!
Been following this topic for a while. You are NOT alone and you are NOT bad, wrong, or hateful and you have a right to live life in a way that makes you happy. I hope you find all the peace and happiness you deserve! Best of luck.
part of me feels as though coming across your content this morning was a sign for me. the way i relate to your story is kinda crazy, thank you for sharing this, hearing that someone else has such a similar experience to me makes me feel way way way less alone in trying to find myself
your feelings are valid! there’s always someone out there that feels similar to you. Good luck on your journey!
Wow what an incredible story, thank you so much for sharing this. Your growth and understanding of yourself is truly fantastic. I am a therapist and have been horrified at how political forces are trying to prevent people from actual exploratory therapy and working through trauma related disassociation which is super important for successful healing. You are helping so many by sharing your story 💖💖💖
Hey, thank you for sharing part of your story so vulnerably. I resonated with a lot of what you had to say. I too have been going through a similar experience. I came off of testosterone a little over a year ago and I have been starting to post videos on RUclips about it as well. Sending love to you my friend
Thank you for watching! I’m glad you feel comfortable to post about your journey too. All stories are important.
So well spoken- and all in one take! Thank you for sharing your story and giving us the privilege of hearing it.
Thank you! And yes I think it was easy for one take because I spoke from the heart!
More one-take videos need to be shared. It feels more real/authentic.
I 10000000% respect you. I know this isn’t an easy road and I am so glad that you are on the right path for yourself. Much love for you!
Major respect. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think it's so important for people to see and hear this.
Way to stay true to you. Absolutely beautiful.
Thank you so much for the support ❤️
thank you so much for sharing this. SO many of your feelings and experiences are so familiar to me. big love, and can’t wait for the rest of your journey💘
thank YOU for watching it and supporting me!
I was drawn to this video & I want to say thank you for being so vulnerable. It was really special to hear about your soul coming back. I’ve experienced it multiple times in my life, when my soul was liberating inside of me, and it’s always so beautiful & quite loud! 😹
Thank you for this video. Your voice, your experience, your sharing is extremely valuable.
I am grateful to you for sharing your story to help light the way for others struggling with trauma issues and identity.
I started doing part work in Family Integrated Systems therapy. It’s art therapy where you explore the parts of yourself that are created in moments of trauma. I was happy to find this.
When you speak of dissociating from yourself and a part of you manifesting that has a strong voice/identity, this is a big part of the IFS therapy. You honor and listen to these parts, but the goal is to integrate them all and to quiet those internal voices by growing into your whole.
I hope you continue to find peach in yourself and to realize how much your essence is internal and that your external/physical body doesnt define you, and that those who love you love your essence, because it is so eternally lovable.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for sharing that! ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I've been considering transitioning for the past 10 years or so, and I personally appreciate having the opportunity to understand the different experiences we all can have in that regard, so that I can know what's even possible for me as a being on this planet. We should absolutely destigmatize detransitioning and take away any shame that might be there in that regard. There is no other path than the one we're on, and to radically accept where we are and where we've been is super empowering. What you experienced in transitioning + detransitioning brought you here today, and I'm so grateful that you're sharing your story with us.
that was very heartwarming to hear. you are totally right about the path we’re individually on and it’s such a beautiful experience. ❤️
@@aliaxismail 💕🌱
I follow you on Tik Tok & I just want to say I admire you - not easy to question and live so boldly, but you have your truth, and it’s important so I’m glad you shared this journey.
Thank you so much for the support ❤️
I’m found you the a snap story. You are very well spoken and intellectual. For someone like me who doesn’t know a lot that goes on in the Trans community you made it easy to understand. You say it in a way it could resonate with all people. Thank you for your vulnerability. This was very deep.
Oh awesome! Thank you for telling me that. I try to make it relatable to what people have going on in their life. I appreciate you!! ❤️
Im a closeted trans woman who only found out she was trans a few monts ago. Watching your video made me think about whether I was or not. After hours of contemplating i still do know im trans. Our experiences are very very different but im still figuring out myself and im really glad you made this video. I know i am trans and Im so so so happy that you made this video just in general because i know this will and has helped a lot of people. Thank you so much. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Some people live decades as a trans person and then detransition. The best way to avoid transition regret is to not do surgery.
@@soleil7259the best way is not to get surgeries or hormones, which I refuse to do until I turn at least 39. But hey, if you decide to get them just educate yourself and take preventative measures to have kids just in case. There are many ways to alleviate dysphoria without permanent changes if you want to do that. Even if you do make a permanent decision and do regret it, sometimes that is necessary to become the person you want to be and it's an emotion we all go through in life. Best of luck with your transition, hope everything goes well for you!
@@soleil7259 Many people don’t regret trans surgery, many people don’t regret hormone replacement therapy. There is a significantly low regret rate for both trans surgery and HRT compared to many other body altercations, plenty of people regret knee surgeries, for example. There are going to be people who regret decisions they make regardless because sometimes people make mistakes.
And if you listen to the video, Alia doesn’t regret transitioning
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so glad you were able to find yourself. That’s all what truly matters in life. You can’t live as someone you’re not
I love the way you articulate your thoughts and experiences, so insightful. Thank you for sharing ❤
You're so mature and understanding. I love the mindset! I'm sorry that you're still having to work through things that many never think about. I really like the point on how you felt it was right at the time but maybe if you had more counselling about your past, you may have become more comfortable within your body
I'm so proud of you, when I was young I thought I was ftm but I changed my mind. You're so strong thank you for sharing your journey
Thanks For Sharing Your Story This Is Something I’m Currently Struggling With Myself. Thank You For This❤️
Thank you! Good luck to you too!
It takes a lot of bravery to be open about an experience like this. Bravo. I wish you the best.. I think your thoughtfulness and growing self-awareness will serve you well.
Thank you for the kind comment!
I've been hearing detransitioners shitting on the trans community because apparently if they made a mistake it was a mistake for us too - thank you for not being like that
Yeah that’s just ridiculous. We’re all different people.
Oh, how this works both ways darling.
@@bornwithoutconsentobviously no one said it didn't? Very condescending
@@laurenevenden2254 no one? No. Maybe not here but in a loooot of other places so just had to point that out.
@@bcount1 jokes on you i'm a detransitioner
I respect you, and your very courageous to opening up on this life journey. I'm a gay male, happily married to a FTM. Live your Truth.
Or are you both just cis-phobic?
@@icedthai what? How?
@@icedthai wth
@@icedthai what the fuck are you talking about
@@icedthai ???
I’m so proud of you and I’m here for you and your journey no matter what!! I love you!❤️💫
Sounds like you spoke from the heart.. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.
I absolutely agree - everyone does need to tell their story. I'm going to look for your documentary.
Thank you! Enjoy! Ayearintransition.com
@@aliaxismail thank you! I definitely will make the time to watch this on my day off tomorrow.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I only came across you recently. I have been living the ftm life, but it hasn't felt right for me for some time. Also a survivor, also unpacking my trauma. Also great to see more SWANA queer representation! Many thanks, your authenticity is inspiring.
Hi Issa! I found you through youtube and also just watched the documentary. I was also born in 94 and Im living in seoul. Thank you for being honest and sharing your journey! Im also figuring out my identity and it just seems endless! I feel like I should have figured it out by now but I go back and forth. So far, I've figured out this much: I look very masculine so I actually pass as male most of the times but I have a hard time feeling euphoria bc i often get stopped at womens bathrooms like in an accusing way and that makes me so anxious. I also have a hard time liking my masculinity bc I have such a hard time with men in general. But Ive wanted to be a boy and I like how I look when i am by myself. I cant imagine becoming a son to my family i dont think they could handle me. I dont think I have much of the chest dysphoria but I have thought about t a lot and have been watching ftm youtubers since like 2013. All in all to say that Gender is on my mind everyday and sometimes I wish i can just never have to think about this again haha But I guess I am here writing this bc I am. But I have much support for you and I hope you are well!
We all think about who we are and how we perceived every day, but just in different ways. The feeling won’t ever go away, but you can change your viewpoint and how others treat you. You can just be. Be exactly how you want. People will always perceive you, so just do what makes you happy. Thank you for the comment! Good luck in life!
Thank you for opening up about this. I'm not transgender but I am trying to learn more about it.
congrats dude🌷💕✨🕊 thanks 4 speaking. i’m an androgynous female and i’ve never identified with any gender i just want ppl to pronounce my name right lol (kal-in) when i was a kid i was always scared ppl were gonna think i was a boy when i was rly little for some reason even tho i love being a woman. & hearing these detransition stories are always so insightful; i feel like if i was growing up now i could’ve easily ended up transitioning and de-transitioning honestly. thank u for looking for urself. not everybody does. ur killing it c: proud of u & any1 reading this
Thank you! Interesting you said when you were a kid because I do remember someone calling me a boy and not correcting them, but telling my mom later. I was a HUGE tomboy. Gender is confusing and hard and I just want to be able to present my masculinity and femininity that feels comfortable to me.
You don't have to "identify" with a gender. One either is a man or a woman based on whether they are male or female. How you choose to express yourself is your choice. You can be a girl with more masculine or androgynous traits but that doesn't make you not a girl.
@@simfimpim Some people can't live with the sex their body is. They transition to make their bodies match their gender more closely. That's what being transgender is. There are people who detransition, like this man, but that doesn't mean gender is the same as sex.
@@simfimpim The very fact that you're even assigning man or woman to people is identifying a gender. You just think you gender identity is congruent with your genitals, which is obviously wrong since trans and nb people exist. Yes, you can be masculine or androgynous and a girl, what makes you not a girl is when your gender identity says you're not one, and not the genitals between your legs.
@@somebodyelse9130 your comment doesn't make sense. You say some people can't live with their sex so they change their gender, but at the same time you say sex and gender are not the same thing. If someone can't live with their sex they should change their sex not their gender because gender is something different/separate according to your statement.
thank you for sharing your story!! this is very interesting snd i hope your journey and progress goes amazing❤️❤️
thanks for the info i wish you peace, clarity anf comfort in your identity ❤️
Thank you for sharing your unfoldment journey of self! Your wisdom is deeply perceptable
Wow! You have an amazing ability to see your truth. Good for you!!!❤️
thank you for sharing your experiences ❤ sending you love and wishing you luck on all of your future journeys
Thank you for the support!
I think it is really beautiful how you are on your journy and (from what I've seen) dont fault yourself for mistaken some feelings for others (i really dont know how to formulate that sentance so sorry if it comes across some type of way, I mean it well)
I know what you're going through is very hard, I'm praying for you & I believe God has a good plan for you!
I'm also from the middle east so I understand how hard it is culture wise.
Hi I am a transgender woman MTF, and I was blown by your story. It is amazing the way you described it. All in one video, it's absolutely stunning and how well you worded it. My opinion don't matter but I want you to know that everything you've experienced is absolutely valid and I commend you for being so brave and so open about it. Ofcoars we all doubt ourselves and in my personal case it is exactly why it took me so many years to finally make my decision to transition in my 50s. I tried living with a woman and having a so called normal relationship and with every girlfriend I had, I always felt obligated to tell them how I felt about my gender. As much as I wanted to hide it and wanted to be in denial because I wanted to live a Normal life, I always felt left out and unhappy about the fake life I was living. Did I doubt myself? Many times. And do I doubt myself still? Many times. And do I think I'm going to like the end result and if I'm going to regret it? Yes I do Many times but I'm a person in my 50s that already tried living a normal cis gender life and it didn't work. If it had worked, I wouldn't be here sharing my own experience. My last words of advice to you are, Thank You for being honest and true to yourself. Was it wrong for you to have transitioned in the first place? No it wasn't. And was it wrong for you to have de-transitioned? No it wasn't. You where just being yourself and I am honored and happy and glad to have heard your story. Your an awesome and beautiful person. Keep being you and thank you once again for sharing this beautiful and amazing story ❤🥰🤗
Thank you so much for the kind message! Life is a rollercoaster. I could decide years from now that this isn’t what I want anymore, but I’m trying to follow my gut and heart at the moment and being a transman just stopped resonating with me. And to be honest it never really did but I fell into that box so easily. Glad you’re on your journey and loving it.
In a lot of FtMtF videos I’ve noticed the person discussing what lead to their transition experienced child sexual assault
I’m newly ftmtf and never been sexually abused. Just made fun of a lot as a kid for not being feminine enough and i think it hurt a lot deeper than i thought.
@@garrettecstasy1568 jeez I’m so sorry. Bullying sucks and I hope you’re more happily secure in yourself now!
Thanks so much for this video. I'm not trans, but I'm fascinated by detransitioner stories. I have come to wonder if the "Who am I?" question is possibly the source of a lot of anxiety? Just a thought - It seems like that question might create problems. I don't think most of us (trans or not) know "who we are," and I find in my life, hanging onto ANY idea of "who I am" only makes life less wonderful. I think it changes all the time, so the question is more, "What is my body telling me I want or need today?" Anyway - not sure if that's relevant to you or anyone, but it's what your video got me thinking about. Best of luck to you!
thank you so much for sharing your experiences and perspective :):) !
Issa, I think it takes a lot of courage to transition, detransition and then explain it to peeople. "If you can't change your mind you can't change anything" George Bernard Shaw. I feel there is a lot of pressure to identify as someone, something, who am I? is one of the deepest philosophical questons we can ask ourselves. Honestly I still haven't found the answer, we are human beings not human doing, just be you!! that is more than enough. People would label me as a cis gendered woman with children, it is a strange feeling giving birth to another human being, I hope you have this experience some time if not i'm sure you will connect with a young person and be kind to them that is equally as important. Sending you positive energy from Ireland.
This was beautiful to read! Thank you so much.
You are so powerfull and wonderfull, not many people get to be that insightful and honest with themself. You do you, no matter what that means. 😘
thank you for your story. i am in my late 30s, decided to begin publicly transitioning last year. I feel happier, but I always doubt myself despite believing myself. Lots of positive changes as a person though.
thanks for watching! Yeah I doubted myself a lot too, but it’s okay. As long as you follow your heart and everything feels positive keep going, even if you change years from now. Everything is an experience.
Hi Issa
New Subscriber here from Amman Jordan Middle East
Thanks for sharing
You’re going through a lot
Good Luck and peace
Thank you!
Thank you for posting. I can totally hear that Michigan accent! Best wishes to u you rock!
Take care of yourself, and be true to yourself...life can be very Challenging
I'm listening to a lot of trans RUclipsrs. I have been basically bi since high school. I think it's great to have a choice, but I feel like I take gender very seriously. I really think you need to KNOW for a fact that you're trans, not just go through feelings this way and that. I guess I just don't want people to rush through things, and get to the level of soul to really know. It's a big decision and it's permanent.
Yep, that was my process. Just because I tried to explain 10 years in a 20 minute video, everyone is an expert on gender.
That's part of why puberty blockers are so valuable. Gives kids more time to figure themselves out, if they need it, before damage is done one way or another
Thank you for sharing your story. I can't say I understand. but that is not the point you are human with a human experiance.
You are the one who has to live your live. How ever you choose to live it. Owned it . Much love Pim.
Much love to you!
I'm so happy that you're reading and replying to the comments. I want to start my transition, so I'm researching everywhere as much as possible, with every point of view that i possibly can reach, including detransition stories. What I've learned so far is:
What transition WILL NOT do:
- Change how you feel about your thoughts
- Make you feel complete (it helps, but it's not a solution)
- Allow you to choose how people will treat you
- Make you reach your transition goals, if you have any
- Change your sexuality
- Make you fit somewhere
- Give you long term happiness
- Change who you are
Please correct me if I'm wrong and give me some advice for someone like me, who is thinking about starting hrt, but not necessarily going through a full transition. If you did a video on that would be awesome as well!
Actually I would think that some of those things you listed do change on HRT. For example, your sex drive increases which can change your sexuality a bit. When you start to see gender as a construct you start to like humans for who they are, I gained that from transitioning medically. But a lot of the things you listed I can agree with. I have a documentary on my transition at AYearInTransition.com. I haven’t posted more videos just yet, but am taking time to myself while I’m figuring things out. The thing is you will never know what’s going to happen until it happens. You can prepare so much, but your emotions and decisions change at any given moment. As long as every decision you make feels right and positive, how could you ever regret or feel negative when maybe those decisions don’t fit right later on in life? That’s exactly what life is about. Constantly growing and evolving into a better soul for the next life time. Good luck on your journey.
@@aliaxismail Thank you for your words. It really helped me with my decision.
You forgot that you can’t change your sex on that list. I suggest you watch a few TT Exulansic videos regarding the medicalization of identity. It’s absolutely horrendous. People are being sold a product and they don’t even realize it.
@@hootenholler5105 Lmfao, watching you transphobes trying to hijack the thread is hilarious and not unexpected. TT spouts the same old TERF nonsense that has been debunked time and time again.
@@jonathanxavier2026 TT’s information goes against your cause. Better to keep gender dysphoric people ignorant about the surgeries and all the inevitable complications 💰, right? You’re so caring.
Keep posting videos. New subscriber. You’re really inspiring
I hope youre doing well and that you are taking care of yourself ❤❤
imagine most of the ladies experience the discomfort when their breasts start to grow. Wishing you luck in your journey of self discovery
Yes. It can be embarrassing. Being the 1st in your social group to get a bra or start your period is really uncomfortable
And when I told my mom I needed a pad after my first period, my sister (2 years younger than me) screamed eww! And ran out the room
I always use to strap them down. I was so embarassed of them. Im still not comfortable with them now as an adult
Thanks for sharing with us. I'm glad that you are on a path that feels more true to you.
Thank you!
thank you for sharing your story hun
Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️
you know.... growing up i barely never had the "typical" experiences of most trans man I meet. you know, romantic attraction to women, presenting masc. It was much more internal for me, it was represed in so many ways. It was not until i spend many time alone in my early adulthood I realized I am transmasculine non binary with a strong femenine size from the male spectrum... This experience made me realize even in adulthood gender identity changes. I was spending 18 years of my life thinking i was a straight woman, just to soon find out hating your boobs is not normal it's dysphoria. So it was a shock seeing myself change so much in my adulthood where I expected to be more consistent with gender identity and sexuality.
Meaning I see how you change and I see other people also changing and detransitioning to connect to their feminity. And it's EVERYTHING fine so long you don't hurt anyone else or try to devalue other's experiences.
My story is similar. I'm ftm. I was raised in an orthodox Jewish family which meant gender stereotypes were not only encouraged, but enforced, so I never wore boys clothes growing up. I also went to an all girls school so all of my friends were girls. As a child I was constantly bouncing between the extreme of trying so hard to distance myself from being grouped in with girls and be seen as masculine and overcompensating my femininity to try and fit in and be normal among my peers. I also would look for sort of excuses and loopholes to be as male as possible, like wearing my dad's huge shirts instead of an actual dress. This obviously caused a lot of confusion, I thought was literally insane and I grew to hate myself. This is all before puberty, mind, and that's obviously where things ramped up. I refused to wear a bra for a full year before I started needing one, and I bawled my eyes out when I got my period. But then hormones kicked in. Like you, I've always been attracted to men. So throughout most of high school I tried embracing my female body and found im apparently pretty attractive, but it didn't help my intense body hatred. I've been slowly letting go and doing what feels natural since I was about 16, which meant wearing actual pants for the first time since very early childhood, cutting my hair st 17, binding and crossdressing since 18, and now I'm 19 going on 20 and thinking about starting the process to go on hormones.
Thats was perfect Issa ... 😁😊well explain. ❤
thank you for making this video. when you went on testosterone did you have any doubts about certain effects of it? I find myself desiring some effects of testosterone and not others.
congratulation issa. be stronger my dear
It would be helpful for you to show pictures of you as female, because it was confusing to me at the beginning of this as I didn’t know if you were detransitioning from male to female or female to male. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope more young people hear your and other stories to help them navigate these turbulent waters to find their real identity. It’s all so drastic and some options can’t be undone.
Keep watching my other videos! And you can always look on my tiktok and Instagram @aliaxismail to see more pictures and videos!
Sending you love and light from Botswana, Africa🇧🇼❤️
So eloquently spoken.
Peace
I am happy you are finding yourself
Happy you're finding your true authentic self!
Over quarantine my egg broke and I realized that I'm probably trans, I'm watching a few detransition videos to make sure I won't regret my future decisions and for now I've not seen any similarities in our experiences except the child sexual abuse stuff, which I've been dealing with and healing over the past few years, but I'll make sure to take that into account
Thanks for sharing
Yes definitely work through that! I’m only saying because even if you transition that trauma will still be there and while you might be preoccupied with transitioning once you feel good in that, it will just come right back up again. Hope you get through it and good luck!
I’m sorry to hear about your sexual abuse. Please go to therapy and please don’t transition. You are who you are. You’re not what you aren’t.
@@grandmastersreaction1267 You don't get to tell people, specially people with gender dysphoria, what we can or cannot do with our bodies ♥️ Educate yourself about trans people, please. We can all learn from trans people and people who detransition, it's not one or the other. What's right for some people may not be right for others, but that doesn't make it a bad thing. Trans people *are* happier after transitioning with an accepting environment, and when they're rejected and discriminated, some decide to commit su*cide. Trans people are real and deserving of respect and freedom. Learn about them too
I realize I said dissociated wrong 🙃
I saw your video/ recognize you via Instagram. Cool.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
Sending so much love to you, Alia! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your perspective has nuance and heart to it, and your focus on showing up the right way is so evident to me from every video I've seen you in. Pretty much everything you've posted! Your realness, transparency, and validation of others' stories is so inspiring!
I hope everything is going well for you Issa
Thank you!
This is really powerful
Best of luck in your detransition process! ❤️🙏✌🏻
Good for you ! Happy for you
This is amazing, thank you!
🎈Keep sharing your experiences. 🌸 I appreciate hearing from you.
When I began my physical transition, one thing that gave me confidence was the fact that if it didn't work I could detransition. I think everyone with a stake in the conversation, trans people and detransitioners, can benefit from both transition and detransition being normalized
I found you off of tik tok and wanted to hear more of your story!
Sending love from Texas. You are a beautiful person
I wish the best for you, be brave 🥰
What parts of being trans didn't resonate with you before you started HRT? Thank you for sharing- much love
I find your discussion of your story to be articulate, well thought out and respectful of those on the periphery. I do wonder why those contemplating a life-altering change, do not do more research into long standing cultural practices that make a place for those who do not fit into male/female roles. Some Native American cultures have designated role for Two-Spirit individuals. Moreover; why professionals do not explore with their clients, this alternate way of thinking and defining roles?
I think for me personally at the time of my questioning, representation of folks who detransition or other identities similar to weren’t talked about. We had just a bit of information to work with at the time. We still had a lot to learn and will continue to.
@@aliaxismail Fair play; best wishes for your continued journey👍
There are and have been many, many people in Western society who do not fit completely into male/female roles. That does not make their gender different than their sex. The only thing that is required to be a woman is to be female. That's it. You can be the most masculine, butchest lesbian and still be a full woman. How "girly" someone is doesn't define whether they are a woman or not.
@@simfimpim Breaking free from gender roles has nothing to do with gender identity. It's a common tactic of transphobes to imply that gender dysphoria is an onset of people trying to free themselves from gender roles, when the two have nothing to do with each other.
I look at it like this. There are people who immigrate to different countries. Immigrating to another country is NOT a decision you just frivolously make. It is an expensive & exhausting process like having to deal with visas, learning the local laws & culture, language barriers, culture shock, etc. There are some immigrants who end up permanently living in America, and there are some immigrants who end up moving back to their home countries. To those who go back to their home countries, does that necessarily mean that every one of those people regret immigrating in the first place? No, maybe some of them did, some of them didn't, their stories are different. Sometimes it takes a person to actually live in another country and then coming back to their home country, or marrying and then divorcing a partner, or changing careers to learn more about themselves. That's really good that you finally realized that you no longer want to be a man, and come back to being a woman. Everyone should be able to do what they can to live.
Not sure if I count, but I experimented with gender before realizing I'm nonbinary. I tried to be a trans man, but I felt really uncomfortable being treated & referred to as a man. I couldn't relate to men, & I couldn't deal with the bullshit men had to deal with. So I went back to being a girl, but was then reminded that being a girl was still really uncomfortable. It wasn't until I searched for more representation of nonbinary people, both transitioning & nontransitioning that I realized that I was really nonbinary & don't want to go on T. But I did want top surgery, and seeing nonbinary people with flat chests & no T really resonated with me. You are absolutely right that there needs to be representation of gender nonconforming cis and gender nonconforming trans people. Don't forget that trans people can also be gender nonconforming, and they are still criticized in the trans community for "not being trans enough". So there needs to be more representation of everyone presenting in a vast majority of spectrums. Honestly, looking at tomboy fashion photos on pinterest really helped me accept by non T body. Seeing people who are not on T but having a flat chest also helped me accept what I want & have.
This was very well said and I resonate with this view on decision making and following your heart to learn more about yourself. Thank you for sharing!
@@aliaxismail You're welcome. I'm a child of Korean immigrants, and my parents are not gonna move back to Korea. But I know a lot of Korean people who lived in USA for several years and then move back.
When it comes to medically transitioning via hormones and dealing with how people treat you, it kind of reminded me of how my mom dealt with culture shock when she moved to USA. It's gonna be a shock when people start referring to you and treating you as another gender. Some people can adjust to another country and then live in that country forever. There are also some people who can live in another country for several years, and then move back for a multitude of reasons. That doesn't mean they are "fake immigrants" or "not immigrant enough". Just means they did their time in another country, and want to go back home.
👕 *The legendary wet t-shirt... so sad that many of went thru this type of prepubescent angst without somebody to normalize it for us. Coupled with other issues, can be quite traumatizing im sure. Thanks for sharing.*
Yup
Thank you for sharing, it really means a lot to us.
I'm sorry for my bad English but I have a question, for how long you saw the Psychiatrist befoe starting hormones?
And do you think as opinion the trauma thing (sexually abused) from specific gender can lead to different coping ways somehow? I mean I had an experience in this side when I was child (multiple times for a long period of time) but from a woman, and I'm a transgender man (FTM) and this idea (what if the trauma affected how I look to my identity) was always in the back of my head.
I'm saying this for the first time, it hurts💔
Thank you again!
At the time you had to have a consistent identity, that you presented as in public, which for me was a transman at the time, (for a minimum of 6 months). This was in 2015.
The thing is I mentioned my sexual trauma because “it could be a reason I felt out of my body”, but ultimately every decision I made was because I followed my heart and felt good in all of those decisions. I will say I did feel nervous and kept going back and forth in the beginning so I probably should have listened to that more. But every journey is different. Good luck!
god i wanna detransition so bad but i’ve been out since 2013? around that time. everyone knows me as alex or aj.. i just don’t feel comfortable anymore :/ this really helped me out, thank you!!!!
I am so sorry for what you have gone through! Do you think you had gender dysphoria at all? I just have seen lot of de transitioning videos and correct me if I am wrong, but none of them had gender dysphoria.. which I feel like should be a huge factor of anyone wanting to transition. I am glad you’re doing ok now heart ❤️