I personally am genuinely just triggered by the word routine already. I feel like it means that I will not be able to listen to myself, that I will have to force myself to do things, and that it will just lead to burnout because I'm not going with my flow.
This is so interesting to read to me! I am on the other end of the spectrum here. I THRIVE on routine to the point of crying when routines aren't possible/changed/interrupted. I feel like I am barely surviving in the NT world, and my morning and evening routines are at times the only hours of the day where I feel safe, self-determined and in touch with myself.
One step at a time. No need to jump across the roaring rapids. So many people (neurotypical & divergent) love that rush of having push-through(s). While that’s fine - so is gently showing up. For me, I personally dig the affirmation (new-agey or not, don’t judge me): “May the space between where I am now and where I’d like to be, inspire me.”
Sensory issues around cleaning and brushing my teeth make routines so hard. I have to "hype myself up" to brush my teeth where normal people can just dive in and it's done. I hate having to waste 30+ minutes just for 3 minutes.
Brushing teeth is really weird and uncomfortable. I got in a mindset of: you have to brush your teeth, when you have to go to work, or when you have to go somewhere social. On the other days I don't clean my teeth.
For me, to make brushing teeth more enjoyable, i always listening to music, walking back and forth in the house, and daydreaming while brushing my teeth. Distracting myself from the feeling of the brush in my mouth.
this might sound strange at first but sometimes i forget im autistic. i forget that i’m not meant to do things how others do things. i’ve been struggling recently with routine and burnout and just everything LOL. i’ve been approaching my work with almost an imitation of a neurotypical mindset. yesterday i allowed myself to do things at my own pace and in my own way, not thinking too much about time, and i felt much better about my work - almost excited? i just want to say thank you irene! your channel is extremely helpful to me and im sure many others. and you always seem to upload at just the right time lmao
I'm pretty much the same, I'm always hustling and studying and working, and for many times, I feel bad about myself for not living up to my own expectations, and I simply forget that I actually have two disabilities
Something that helps me is scaling tasks according to my capabilities that day. For instance: I could do my multi-step skincare routine on my face and body, or just cleanse/moisterize my face, or just use a cleansing wipe. That way I can work towards my goals every day and see results without burning out.
I’m middle aged, have a family, a successful career, and ADHD. I can relate to the beginning of the video when you and the gentleman in the embedded video talked about not enjoying accomplishments because each success was built by overcoming one trauma or obstacle after another. I went back to a university to finish my degree. It was three traumatic years with school and my other responsibilities. I just finished my final course.I have no energy left to celebrate because I’m preparing for the next trauma or obstacle. Reducing my actions or goals isn’t an option for me or I wouldn’t have had my success. I do love the idea of reframing my perspective by focusing on how I want to feel. Thank you for thee video! I’ll let you know how it goes.
Hi, I am also middle aged, recently diagnosed with ADHD, good chance I'm on the autisic spectrum too. I am seriously thinking about going back to school full time for a career change, but the style of learning for the field I'm considering (physical therapy) is drinking thru the firehose for 3+ years. I am dreading that pace and the trauma that comes with it - I just made it through my first semester of pre-reqs, and it was traumatic at times, hard on my body and psyche. I'm wondering what advice you'd give someone like me, and if you'd do it over again having done it, and if so, if there's anything different you'd do about it. thanks in advance for any thoughts you'd like to share. :)
@@samiam369 Thank you for sharing! Yes, I would do it over again. I pretty much wanted to quit every course, but I refused to allow myself to stop even with having to retake two classes. Mainly because there was no way I was going to walk away thousands of dollars in debt without a degree. I was in an accelerated program and it took me longer because I still had some general ed to complete. I understand the firehose and that’s pretty much what I experienced. Here is my advice or things I figured out toward the end: 1. Give yourself grace because there will be things that need to go to the back burner. You may feel guilty about it; you have to let the guilt go. 2. Get an acrylic or whiteboard and put it up near where you do homework and where you can see it every day. At the beginning of each week write all your assignments in the order they are due with the due date. Out of sight out of mind. If it’s on the syllabus and not on my wall, I don’t see it. Check it off as you go. It feels good and you can see your progress. 3. Get a small timer, don’t use your phone. Your phone may lead to distractions. If you are having a hard time starting homework, set the timer for 10, 15, 20, or however many minute to get started. I find once I started it’s easier to keep going. I do this with housecleaning too. 4. Utilize the student services like tutors, especially in areas of struggle. 5. No matter how stressed or overwhelmed you feel, don’t give up. As long as you keep moving, even at a slow pace, you will get to the end. I am proof! As she said, focus on how you are going to feel when you accomplish something, even a small homework assignment. Good luck! I wish you well!
@@carriecarrie5285 Wow, thanks for taking the time to share all that. I'm gonna copy and paste it into a document for myself. That's so cool you were able to figure these things out for yourself. I so appreciate you sharing them, and I promise I will do my best to pay it forward. I wish you well as well =] p.s. I apologize for the 4 day delay, I don't know why YT didn't alert me to your response.
@@samiam369 Update since I responded…I received confirmation from the university that I have completed all requirements to finish my degree. I’m officially a university graduate! When I made my original post, I said I was too exhausted to celebrate. I was wrong. I now feel a peace I haven’t felt in a very long time. I will celebrate my degree completion. Lol The reality is that many of us do not want to push ourselves to do the hard stuff because it’s easily overwhelming. However, some things are just worth it and we are worth it! Good Luck!
This feels like me rn with my workout routine, where the dysregulation of now obligating myself to complete them has eclipsed my other goals and energy to contribute to working to them. I’m just hoping to figure out a balance soon for myself that allows me to be healthy with my routines.
Wow you’re putting words to a lot of techniques I tried in order to establish a routine. I’ve AuHD and while I crave manuals and structures, I crave dynamism just as much. What made a HUUUUUGE difference for me was understanding in clear terms, WHY I wanna do the routines I expect of myself. When I first examined this, I realized I was asking too much of myself, even when the reasons WHY I asked those things of myself were solid. I ended up scaling back what I expect of myself while maintaining WHY I wanna do what I wanna do. Coupled with some kinder self-talk and ample flexibility to do things in a different order throughout the day has led me to a place where I’m hitting in the 90th percentile of how often I’m doing my routines - simply bc they align w my desires & they meet (and can accommodate changes to) my capacity. It takes SOOOOOOOO much trial and error but it is possible. Just start by telling urself it’s possible even if it feels or is delusional. Any progress is great progress.
five minutes in... wow. I didn't even realize I had trouble feeling proud of myself but everything that young man was saying was exactly on point for me. Thank you for creating this space.
I desperately wish I could have a routine but I’m terrified of commitment. I’ve had tons of drama and moving from place to place in my life, along with abusive step parents so as soon as I would get comfortable with a routine something would happen. My situation now is a little more stable but is still chaotic from time to time. I’m so stressed all the time and I wish I didn’t live in fear of drastic change. But I know my life won’t get better if I don’t have some sort of routine. I’m so incredibly stressed, overwhelmed stimulated and tired all the time.
Finding your channel has been so affirming. I’m currently trying to recover from long-term depression and my cognitive functions are operating at a “slower” pace. So much of what you said in this video is similar to what I’ve been learning and trying to figure out lately; I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I’m going to try and apply the goal method you shared. :)
Yes, I have been doing these exact things for the past couple of weeks and having this forgiving system for myself has been the best thing for my productivity. It's a combination of your sandwich technique, and the Bullet Journal method with a few tweaks to make it work for me. What I've discovered is that I need 3 hours to myself in the morning before I feel ready to do things as my best self throughout the day. Without those three hours, I can still get what I need to do done, but I'm going to look and feel like crap while doing it. One thing I have noticed though is that finding what works for me limits when and where I can work and even where I can live comfortably. I cannot get up before 9AM because I am a night owl and waking up earlier literally lowers my lifespan and I can feel it. But that means I'd have to find jobs that would let me work after noon, and I've done that before and it can be really inconvenient with how early some places close. This world really wasn't built for us, but at least I'm making due.
@@icesaphir if you look up "how to bullet journal" a video for it will pop up. It's a way of keeping your life organized and the method was created by someone with ADHD. It's super minimal and customizable and forgiving, which is what we need. I use it to keep track of life monthly, weekly, and daily. Then the sandwich technique comes into play day to day. I give myself blocks of time to do things and that's worked better for me than coming up with anything stricter than that. For example, in the morning I give myself 3 hours to get out of bed, work out, and wash up, maybe even do a daily ritual. Sometimes the first hour is me getting out of bed, sometimes I get out of bed right away. And when it comes to working out, my only requirement is that I move my body, but I do whatever workout I feel like doing because of I'm too strict with it, I WILL fall off again. Does that make sense?
Yeah the whole 9-5 lifestyle is no recipe for PEAK PERFORMANCE if you’re a neurodivergent night owl but businesses seem to prefer reliability and predictability anyways. Like they’d rather have somebody who performs like a consistent 6/10 than have somebody who performs 9/10 for a while then “suddenly” only 3/10 for some time and then 9/10 again and so on…
When you talked about feelings-based goals, it reminded me of a practice that my friends and I do together. It's from a book called The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. The process focuses on figuring out how you want to feel and then doing things to find that feeling in your life. It definitely changed how I looked at goal setting!
I know the benefits of structure and a routine for mental health and I definitely relate to the "bursts" of trying and then not being able to keep up with it, and having it be even harder the next time because of how many times I've tried and failed, tried and failed, and getting so discouraged by it all. I've struggled with depression from a young age but wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 25. I used to be much higher functioning and remember not feeling rewarded despite all the things I was achieving. Despite trying different medications and being in and out of therapy the last 5 years (I'm 28 now) my functioning has continued to decrease and now I genuinely struggle with basic things, like remembering/forcing myself to brush my teeth, eat, and take my meds everyday. The rest of the time I spend trying not to feel guilty about how unproductive and unfunctional I am now and being overwhelmed by life and worrying about how I will be able to support myself in the future. I've been trying to be kinder to myself but it feels confusing to navigate. I'm so used to having to push myself to do things that kindness feels like enabling my avoidance.
It feels like climbing a ladder with a broken leg. I get two steps up, and then fall down. Then i have to recover from the fall just to get two steps up and fall again. Every time I look back up at the 30 steps on this ladder.
I genuinely needed this. Thank you so much. Your videos are so helpful and well put together!! I’ve had a gym routine which is just going to the gym 3 times a week. But my issue is that task, having to leave the house and knowing I have to leave the house stresses me out all day until I do it :(
I don't know if you have any other routines in place already that require you to leave the house, but if you do it's helpful to kinda tie things in together. Like going to the gym then also hitting the grocery store before you head back. It really helps me also having one solid day or two that I have no responsibilities to be anywhere at any certain time but can if I feel up for it. Idk being a human is so weird and awful tbh lmao
One of my problems is that what I’m realistically capable of varies so wildly. I might be able to go swimming 5 times in one week and then completely unable to at all for a year. This is what makes everything feel utterly impossible and totally out of my control.
I was wondering what this was! When I go to standup in the morning the second I say, "I'll be working on xyz" I literally can't do it. I can do ANYTHING else. Now I just say, "yesterday I did xyz."
I really appreciated this and replayed the last ten minutes over and over. The trouble with me is that i need to give myself time to forget about time for EVERYTHING. I could win an Olympics of doing things slowly and meanderingly! I truly wish there was time to consciously give myself that much buffer time for everything.
I definitely relate to this, I've been slow and deliberate my entire life. Having long-term depression and anxiety doesn't help. I feel like almost any task takes me several times as much time as it would take someone else.
needed this video exactly for today, achieving so much recently, but I always feel like it's never enough. Feel like I can't give myself a break, feeling burnout
Main reason why I cut my hair so short was to spend way less time doing my hygiene routine as much as possible. I got it to 10-15 minute now and thus made things to do much easier but I’d be lying if at time I don’t do much on some days but I am shameless about it now lol.
I have been living in my own for two years and all this time I have learned about routines and goals from a neurotypical standard and have failed every time. THIS what I am listening is great wisdom and I have conscientiously taken notes to refer back! Keep up the great work, Irene!
I'm literally at 2:00, and oh. My goodness. I've literally been going through this for a very long time. The ping-ponging has gotten a lot faster and harder as of late, too. This has come exactly when I need it. I'm looking forward to the rest. Thank you so much
This was extremely helpful to me. I am 44, recently diagnosed with ADHD, and this really helped me think about why establishing routines has been so difficult for me throughout my adult life. I really resonated when you talked about how we can tend to dive in deeply and burnout- I can see that in so many periods of my adult life, particularly when looking at exercise routines and improving my diet. It just wasn't sustainable. I really appreciate this shit in perspective, and I look forward to applying these strategies in my life and integrating them with my neurodivergent daughter (very likely PDA autism, possibly also ADHD, although we have just gotten started in the assessment process.)
Well, if the problem is that I never want a routine, I don't want to do anything, I feel exhausted from my life, and on top of that, I will add to it a routine. I feel helpless and tired because I don't want a routine, I don't want to do anything, but I know inside myself that I have to establish a "routine" In order to succeed in my life, the content of your channel is interesting and useful. Thank you for the video
I needed to hear this, exactly right now. I've spent so much time completely consumed in drafting (and re-drafting) the perfect routine. Consistently, I found myself flat on my face and into an endless cycle of "WTF... I thought I planned for this..." I knew something was missing but completely blind to any trace of it. (It's like having a constantly active Remembrall from HP 😅) I appreciate you for making this and reminding me to tap into my body as a guide. It gives me hope that the thing I was missing has been here and I was good at it when I was a kid.
I just this year felt the shift of making working out regularly a "want" instead of a "should." Mind you, I've been an athlete since literally third grade. I'm now 31. It will get better. It can get better. I love this content so much. Thanks for a wonderful conversation.
Thank you so much for your content. I’m recovering from burnout and your content really helps give me some insight on how to create support and accommodations for myself 💜
Fabulous! I had to watch this quite a few times due to my extreme aversion surrounding this subject! I found it virtually impossible to process what you were saying first time round, but it is something I really need to work on. I feel the first watch is always “oohh Irene’s hair is gorgeous today, what is that plant behind her? I wonder what wall colour that is? etc!” I am thankful that you always have practical processes to help that I can take the time to work out/through without the stress of therapy. I always feel empowered after your videos, thank you Irene. ❤
I resonate with your videos so much that I struggle to watch them because it is like looking in a mirror. The avoidance is so, so real. But, really, thank you so much for providing accessible and vital information through your youtube channel :)
this was so helpful! i have trouble reminding myself to underestimate expectations of myself as to not feel disappointed/ burnt out while building up good habits! is that your new dream couch i spy in the background ;)
I was diagnosed adhd as a young kid and now as an adult I’m relating a lot more with the autistic spectrum. Watching your videos has really helped me understand and relate to the internal challenges of neurodivergence. Your content is also very calming and soothing to watch tbh so thank you! Thank you for holding space for this
Yeah, I related to everything you said. I would add that this childlike immersion in whatever experience seems to be in tension with remaining mindful and listening to our bodies. Which I just find so difficult and fail at again and again lol. Definitely one of my faves on your channel, thanks so much. Would you recommend any reading for delving deeper? And I hope you will figure out how to manage your pain and eventually heal.
Holy mackerel this hit the nail on the head for me. I never really felt it was fair or accurate to call myself neurodivergent, but this could have been a direct description of my own life. The amazing irony is that I was raised by parents who are EXACTLY THE SAME as I am in the sense that they aren't well served by the attitudes that they constantly attempt to adhere to and push me into. And yet here I am in a family filled with people who keep running into the same problem and can't see the problem or the way around it.
I recently discovered your channel and I’m so happy you exist. You make me feel not so alone and I thank you for that and for making these videos. They are very helpful
I created a playlist called ''very helpful'' just to save and revisit this video, it is AMAZING! I feel like my brain and thoughts are actually validated and considered for once, like I'm not told to ignore it and just do it like a neurotypical person, thank you so SO much
Thank you for this. Perspective shift is so important and i really appreciate yours because it makes me feel not crazy for feeling the same way. Ive never felt like i could enjoy the feeling of accomplishment because it always feels like theres just one more thing coming that i have to do or deal with before i can ever rest. Turning the expectation from "what have i done" to "how do i feel" is so good because I'm already so skilled at ignoring my feelings being high masking for literal decades. Its a new skillset that i am working on.
One thing that’s been helpful for doing chores is thinking about how I am doing a kind thing for myself and that I want to be kind to the little kid in me rather than an obligation because I have to clean. It’s been a tricky balance but I now have board with tasks I can move once I finish them for the week. This has been helpful as I can see the tasks visually and move them once I finish and not forgot about them if they are in a notebook or sticky note. I have the space to do these chores when I want and how I want and not be overwhelmed by tasks floating around in my head or confused if I actually did something or not. It’s routine in the sense that it keeps me accountable for the week but it’s flexible enough so that I can choose the manner of when they are done and not lose track for weeks whether or not I have cleaned the fridge. The goal is not to get them all done either it’s to establish little acts of compassion for myself! I appreciate you sharing the feeling based aspect/importance of PDA based regulation because I think that is the key I’ve been trying to pinpoint.
This is so relatable. So glad I'm not the only one struggling like this. I'm finally realizing why I struggle with motivation and getting practical tasks done, and it's nice to have an explanation for it all.
Thank you so much for these videos, you are saving me right now from feeling like I'm incapable of managing. The reminder that my brain's resistant to neurotypical approaches is natural rather than a personal flaw is so needed
I think i really needed this today! I have to take my written permit test and getting to this point has been so difficult, especially studying and tje fact that im working right now. It’s difficult to not feel shame for being behind on my goals.
this video really resonated with me, especially the part about not even feeling proud of my accomplishments. i grew up constantly catching up with other people’s level of productivity and accomplishments, and choosing goal accomplishment over my well-being. the consequences of it caught up with me this year-i can’t ignore my well-being anymore, but it also makes it very difficult to have a routine that isn’t dreadful to maintain. thank you so much for your advice!
I have so many thoughts. I've been trying to live exactly this... for the past month or so. But I wasn't able to put words to it. Just intuition. As far as time, yes. I find I struggle immensely with time management. I was "lazy" for so long because I had this dread of starting due to lack of time management. A serial procrastinator, if you will. I heard someone suggest telling myself I only have to "do the thing" for 5 minutes. And if I hate it after 5 minutes, I'll give myself the grace to try another time. And what dya know?! I've given myself a great tool to deal with my [fear of failure, loss of time, not wanting to do the chore, etc] procrastination! So far, my best self-improvements have come from mindfulness, giving myself grace, and understanding projection & finger-pointing. Awesome video. Deserves a rewatch! 👀
TYSM for this video!!! 😃😃😃💘💝😁😁😁 When I first learned about PDA from Harry Thompson being a guest on someone's youtube, it answered all my questions about why I seemed to have the opposite of xyz autistic trait that kept me from being able to fully accept my self diagnosis & kept the impostor syndrome running strong... Unfortunately, there was SO LITTLE information available on it at the time that I watched every RUclips in a matter of days & read everything on probably every website in just a couple of weeks or less. It's very possible that searcing for pda on yt lead me to your channel, as I added several to my weekly routine at that time, & now you are absolutely one of my favorite autistic content creators!!😁 I am SO GREATFUL that so many of y'all are going more in depth on this topic & making more & more videos! 💫It is a real need!✨️ I honestly think there are a relatively high % of undiagnosed PDAers around the globe and we really need to raise awareness of this profile of autism so that it can be added to the DSM during our lifetimes! 🤞☺️
This video was VERY helpful I’ve been working out for 2 months the example you gave about swimming is very relevant to me. When you force yourself on a strict regime it definitely causes burnout giving myself time to do things really does help. I’m trying to allow myself to not beat my own ass if I take a break when needed but it’s so far this is a video I’m definitely gonna rewatch when I feel “not good enough” for needing a break.
Yeah I had a goal of meditating every day and if I missed a day I restarted the count and I realized I was upset by it, felt like a failure, I was being too hard on myself for a little slip
When I go cycling, I always make sure that the weather is right and I'm in the right mind set. If it's raining or too hot or I already have a bad day, I'm going to be overstimulated so therefore training can't be beneficial if I'm not enjoying it. So let's say Monday to Wednesday it's raining and Thursday I didn't sleep well so I had to throttle down a bit to not overwhelm myself. That means that 3 days in the week are applicable for sustainable training, so if I manage to at least go cycling on 2 days I have a success rate of 66% and I try to keep it at least 50%. Since I manage my "routine" this way I've been feeling much easier and happier and more motivated to keep going. Sometimes it's not my fault, you should NOT have to force yourself or gaslight yourself into doing something that is supposed to be healthy. Sometimes a change in perspective is enough to make a huge difference! Thank you for this video.
This is one of the best videos on this topic. Never has someone explained the whole crux of the issue so well, connected it to childhood, and offered some alternative ways of thinking about those actions we ultimately WANT to take.
I love your content and you articulate yourself so well. Making content of such good quality can’t be easy so I appreciate your consistent effort on your channel. I have only recently come across your videos and i feel like you do an amazing job expressing your thoughts. It’s honestly a breath of fresh air hearing you talk. Even when i do not relate to some parts of your discussion i can understand and engage anyways.
this really spoke to me. i’ve been trying to get myself into a set of routines as i thought it would help my AuDHD, but I always resisted them. this has affirmed to me why, and given me assurance there’s still a way to get things done that I *actually* want to do, without burdening myself with the constraints and expectations that come from it. i suffer from arthritis, so definitely have more off days than on days, swimming has been helping me too and is something I truly enjoy. so i think i’m going to apply this technique you shared to actually do it more when i wish to do it, rather than forcing myself to do it when i think i need to go. thank you again for your videos Irene, you are so affirming and validating. i really feel like i am beginning to understand myself a lot more.
Giving enough time to forget about time is important for me. It was a good reminder. One of the reasons I resist doing things is because I feel the need to manage my time wisely, but then I end up doing nothing….. eep. When I was a kid I would just read for hours! As an adult, I don’t have that luxury. I have a pet, a job, grocery shopping and cooking. I wish I could just read and not worry about time. I’ll try to incorporate this idea occasionally. Thank you.
6:50-7:02 I have bulging discs & pinched nerves at my L5-S1 vertebrae.. I can relate !! We never pick up any scripts or masks when we are younger for when all your thoughts are interrupted by “can’t keep a straight face” pain all the time. I am AutisticADHD. Got in a car accident in 2021 and that’s what lead to my life/marriage crashing down to the point I had to seek out help. 👏 and your videos were some of the most influential ones in my decision. YOU ARE BRILLIANT
This video resonates with me so much. Your gentle, intuitive approach to routines is so healing to listen to. I have struggled with routines into adulthood and always found myself ping ponging between depressive phases where I don’t believe in myself and anxious phases where I push myself anyways. Both are exhausting and unsustainable. This video gave me a little extra glimmer of hope that there really is a comfortable way to build routines ❤
So, so good. Thank you. I have found that *nothing* “motivates” me, so it’s very difficult to get most anything going, let alone stick with routines. One “Aha!” I recently had was sure, nothing “motivates” me … but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let someone get the satisfaction of being right in their doubts about me and my abilities. Disbelief that I can accomplish something drives me to prove that I CAN. (Naturally, sometimes they really are correct, but because some things are simply impossible for humans in general (😂😅), BUT I often accomplish greatness simply because someone was sooo sure that I couldn’t. A healthy mix of reclaiming my worth as a human being, discovering and understanding my neurodivergence, as well as a perspective shift in regards to the doubt of others, ✨🤔Challenge accepted!🤨✨ has been propelling me forward in tackling my [hoarded] home like never before. ✊😭 ** But let it be said, if I sense even a hint of manipulation or intentional reverse psychology, then *NOPE.*
You have such an amazing and underrated channel! I have noticed some of the best channels have low subscribers because the more niche and technical something is the less people interested. So almost ironic the more detailed and high quality something is the less subscribers. Thank you for making this content.
I love this video. Undershooting, taking things REALLY slow and setting ranges for goals rather than set in concrete targets is super helpful for me. I also like to research what the smallest effective dose is, it's often surprisingly manageable! 💜
I just want to express my appreciation for the work you do via holding this channel and uploading such phenomenal content. I’ve branched over tons of videos explaining how to set goals and just find an understanding to live a more fulfilling life but never have I ever found someone who articulates in a way that my brain can actually comprehend. As a late diagnosed autistic adult I believe this correlation has to do with your approach to literally learning to work with yourself + access the needs that are craving to fulfilled. (Sensory, stimulation, etc). Thank you again for these videos that have truly aided me in understanding how to work with the brain I got going on in a society that isn’t necessarily prepped to fully aid me. Best wishes !
I needed to hear this so much. I say I want to write as a career, as a self-employment (because the rock and the hard place of admitting/hiding that you're autistic when applying) but now that I have the time to do it, the thought of doing the long hours of self employment, of polishing my hobby into a professional standard, even setting myself a set number of hours a week to write, and do all the independent stuff needed to run a business, paralyzes me. I thought I was being lazy, workshy, entitled. Even though I put it off for ages, maybe I need to set low goals and build up to it, or see what my brain feels capable of on the day. Thank you.
i feel like it can be so hard to even know what things i genuinely want. having both autism and ptsd, as well as dealing w chronic pain, i find i do sm to avoid situations, to the point that i don’t even feel like i know what i enjoy or want to do. even things i look forward to can turn into horrible scary situations so quickly because of my illness. it’s really hard to make routines when every day is so different, and rarely in a positive way.
Omg, the way I NEEDED THIS VIDEO 🥹 I swear as a PDAer, I feel so unseen in my struggles and completely at the mercy of my whims and avoidance. People really don’t see it or get it. Doing the most basic things inevitably leads to meltdown, burnout, shutdown, skills regression. Last night I had to schedule work things, and I’m terrified that all I will be able to accomplish is just that - a calendar full of things I’ll avoid. It hinders my career in every way, it’s the one thing about my autism I’d be happy to get rid of if I could.
I always have a routine that I do everyday and I sometimes experienced an autistic burnout. Along with my ADHD and Autism, I'm set on attaining my goals in my life but one step at a time.
I am sooooo alleviated (?! Is this correct?!) that people like you Irene, young people bring all of that to the light. When you are different and deep and emotional and just don’t Fr into broken society it’s so validating to hear that there are others experiencing the same things and I feel it’s so important to talk about it like you do. Also you have a Beautiful mind, you articulate what I think but in a linear less chaotic way - and I am surprised to listen to my own thoughts but more clearly! Are you an INFJ 😅😊 ? Also your voice is powerful - I mean it’s authentic and deep, one can feel that it’s real what you say because you experienced it.
I’m a teenager and hearing this made me realize the main reason why I’m not good at doing my own routines. For context, I do school virtually and I have undiagnosed adhd and autism. The reason why I can’t maintain a routine is bc it’s too unrealistic and rigid. As much as I would like a rigid routine, the adhd and executive dysfunction in me just makes it so hard for me to fulfill. I either get distracted from doing my work, or I just struggling to move from one subject to another since most of the time I’m not finished. I want a good routine to help me get my schoolwork done so I can then get a job (my mom won’t let me rn since I’m not good at finishing assignments on time). Thank you for this video much love.🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
So much of this video especially in the beginning hits SO close to home. Also it's weird, the whole "focus on how you feel" thing might actually explain why late last year I managed to stick to a routine of going outside mostly every day. Because it would make me feel so good and give me so much energy and I would also allow myself to play a game after I came back in (which is usually hard, just allowing myself to relax or have fun or whatever) I guess I stopped seeing it as "I *have* to go outside" and more like "I want to go outside because I keep feeling this and that way afterwards" Might have to focus on those types of feelings more so than the whole "I *have* to do it" mindset.
i relate sooo much to those tiktoks you showed. honestly relate to the while concept of swinging between anxiety and trying to make everyone around you happy by achieving what is expected of you and more while remaining unsatisfied and burnt out, to depression and apathy. I felt that massively throughout school, even when I achieved literally perfect grades and put everything into it. It sucks as well because I've found autism makes achieving so many things a thousand times harder, so the lack of celebration in achieving things really just piles up the negative self image. You just think 'wow, it took me so much work to do that and it still wasn't good enough. What's the point?'. Sucks so much, especially since I only realised I was autistic this year! So much unlearning to do
i was seeing a lot of autism content on youtube for a while and it didnt help me in any meaningful way, but ive watched like 3 of your videos and youve addressed struggles ive had for years. i finally got to an irl psychologist and while im not thinking of opening up about a possible diagnosis anytime soon, i think i can get to a better spot in life with your and her help. thank you so much for existing and sharing these things, they mean the world to me.
The way I'm about to rewatch this video over and over again. There's sooooo many emeralds. Sis, you gotta make this into an etsy sheet. This is amazing.
another helpful thing i've done is turn routines into an experiment. i make a hypothesis and hold myself to the -possible-results. i love research and process. i had a few months to see what would happen if i timed myself brushing my teeth for exactly two minutes. My hypothesis is that i would just get kind of better at knowing how long two minutes is. I timed it every day, and over time i got really good at breaking down areas of my mouth to get it exactly right. i can still do that exact routine and without a timer visible, brush my teeth for exactly two minutes. it was super fun and just about seeing what would happen!
Still in the process of figuring out what chronic condition I have. Brought up HEDS to my new doctor and am in the process of getting tests done/ being referred out to other specialists. Also in the process of scheduling surgery to getting a bilateral TMJ replacement. 🥲 It’s a lot. Will probably make a video on chronic conditions when I have gotten more answers!
@@thethoughtspot222 I am 63 and just found out I have parathyroid disorder which was causing my symptoms that no one could figure out til the doctor decided to do a full thyroid bloodwork. I hope you find out how to get treatment for your ailments. You are too young to have so many problems with health. Good luck and may you have a complete healing and recovery
@@thethoughtspot222Wow, that really is a lot! I hope it gets better and you find ways to deal with all the pain that may remain. Swimming seems to make a lot of sense. :)
one of the things that has made executive functioning difficult for me is how much I base things on feeling that shouldn't be. for example, time. 1 hour is simply not 1 hour to me. I can't perceive time in a consistent measurement even if that time, 1 hour for example, is the same. it doesn't just change with each task, the same task can consistently take a hour, the washing for example and that hour will feel different every time I do the washing. I know this comes under time blindness but people don't understand how debilitating it can be on a daily basis. It sucks because I am the type of person to constantly OVER-estimate how much I can achieve or take on. It has even interfered with my relationships because I am forever over estimating how much time I can spend with another person, especially because I can't predict what other people are going to do/say! So many times throughout my life I've had to find escapes when hanging out with someone (or a group of people) because I hit a wall with how much input I am able to take from someone else.
there are very very very few things i feel even remotely proud of myself for in my life. and even then, i don’t think i really know what “proud” means or is supposed to feel like. and i feel like whenever i’m on the verge of being proud of something, it’s never anything that’s important to others. i just want someone to be proud with me when i wake up at the time i set out to and eat a health breakfast. or when i finish the laundry. cuz those things are so hard for me. i appreciate the “woohoo, you gave a great performance!” but that’s what i’ve always felt expected to do. growing up in the arts, not giving a brilliant performance i felt was failure. so now when i perform, compliments don’t mean anything. it’s the bare minimum. when i got A’s in school, it was the bare minimum to me.
Just...wow. I don't know how you got so dang wise at your age, but thank the universe for it. I hit burnout a few years ago from constant over-pressure to achieve goals, didn't know I was neurodivergent, couldn't understand why I couldn't just keep doing the things. Finally learned I am ND a couple years ago, but have been flailing around trying to find approaches to life I could sustain. Tried to go back to the hard pushing over the past few months. I "accomplished" more, but it was traumatic in many ways, and clearly bad for my body and psyche and soul. I am deeply grateful for your insight and perspective on this topic, I haven't heard anyone say these things like you do. And I appreciate you taking your time to make longer videos, because it helps me fully understand what you are saying, as opposed to those 2 minute videos that promise the secret to a big shift but really it's just click bait. So thank you. 🙏
i needed your insight / presence growing up (and now when im 22 lol)! this video + the one about hygiene makes me feel not alone in my struggles, and i have hope that i'll get through it, because you are
I got the money to quit my job and pursue acting right as the strikes began so I'm very overwhelmed with executive dysfunction left to my own devices. Trying the force a routine stopped working so a couple months have passed and life is just about how I handle myself. Addiction is a big block to move with everything else, but I have a better idea of what I do and don't need to give myself. Thank you for this, it's great timing.
I have the burnout after I maintain a routine …I also procrastinate when I have to do something I don’t like to do …like go to the dentist …I have chronic pain so exercise makes that worse…you have explained exactly what I do and why! Finally I am hearing …it’s not just me! ❤ trying to accomplish things slowly in baby steps works the best for me .
I personally am genuinely just triggered by the word routine already. I feel like it means that I will not be able to listen to myself, that I will have to force myself to do things, and that it will just lead to burnout because I'm not going with my flow.
Any obligation can feel like immense dread for those who haven’t been able to have agency over their energy levels
In the sopranos there's a character named Christopher who said "the regularness of life is too hard for me or something" and I really felt that
I feel the same about schedule end goals for myself 😭
This is so interesting to read to me! I am on the other end of the spectrum here. I THRIVE on routine to the point of crying when routines aren't possible/changed/interrupted. I feel like I am barely surviving in the NT world, and my morning and evening routines are at times the only hours of the day where I feel safe, self-determined and in touch with myself.
Same @toni2309. Same.
One step at a time. No need to jump across the roaring rapids. So many people (neurotypical & divergent) love that rush of having push-through(s). While that’s fine - so is gently showing up. For me, I personally dig the affirmation (new-agey or not, don’t judge me):
“May the space between where I am now and where I’d like to be, inspire me.”
that's a great affirmation!
❤
Sensory issues around cleaning and brushing my teeth make routines so hard. I have to "hype myself up" to brush my teeth where normal people can just dive in and it's done. I hate having to waste 30+ minutes just for 3 minutes.
Brushing teeth is really weird and uncomfortable.
I got in a mindset of: you have to brush your teeth, when you have to go to work, or when you have to go somewhere social.
On the other days I don't clean my teeth.
Exactly!!
For me, to make brushing teeth more enjoyable, i always listening to music, walking back and forth in the house, and daydreaming while brushing my teeth.
Distracting myself from the feeling of the brush in my mouth.
this might sound strange at first but sometimes i forget im autistic. i forget that i’m not meant to do things how others do things. i’ve been struggling recently with routine and burnout and just everything LOL. i’ve been approaching my work with almost an imitation of a neurotypical mindset. yesterday i allowed myself to do things at my own pace and in my own way, not thinking too much about time, and i felt much better about my work - almost excited? i just want to say thank you irene! your channel is extremely helpful to me and im sure many others. and you always seem to upload at just the right time lmao
I'm pretty much the same, I'm always hustling and studying and working, and for many times, I feel bad about myself for not living up to my own expectations, and I simply forget that I actually have two disabilities
same, I forget I’m neurodivergent and should do things my way, by listening to myself
Something that helps me is scaling tasks according to my capabilities that day. For instance: I could do my multi-step skincare routine on my face and body, or just cleanse/moisterize my face, or just use a cleansing wipe. That way I can work towards my goals every day and see results without burning out.
Good idea
I’m middle aged, have a family, a successful career, and ADHD. I can relate to the beginning of the video when you and the gentleman in the embedded video talked about not enjoying accomplishments because each success was built by overcoming one trauma or obstacle after another. I went back to a university to finish my degree. It was three traumatic years with school and my other responsibilities. I just finished my final course.I have no energy left to celebrate because I’m preparing for the next trauma or obstacle. Reducing my actions or goals isn’t an option for me or I wouldn’t have had my success. I do love the idea of reframing my perspective by focusing on how I want to feel. Thank you for thee video! I’ll let you know how it goes.
Hi, I am also middle aged, recently diagnosed with ADHD, good chance I'm on the autisic spectrum too. I am seriously thinking about going back to school full time for a career change, but the style of learning for the field I'm considering (physical therapy) is drinking thru the firehose for 3+ years. I am dreading that pace and the trauma that comes with it - I just made it through my first semester of pre-reqs, and it was traumatic at times, hard on my body and psyche. I'm wondering what advice you'd give someone like me, and if you'd do it over again having done it, and if so, if there's anything different you'd do about it. thanks in advance for any thoughts you'd like to share. :)
@@samiam369 Thank you for sharing! Yes, I would do it over again. I pretty much wanted to quit every course, but I refused to allow myself to stop even with having to retake two classes. Mainly because there was no way I was going to walk away thousands of dollars in debt without a degree. I was in an accelerated program and it took me longer because I still had some general ed to complete. I understand the firehose and that’s pretty much what I experienced. Here is my advice or things I figured out toward the end:
1. Give yourself grace because there will be things that need to go to the back burner. You may feel guilty about it; you have to let the guilt go.
2. Get an acrylic or whiteboard and put it up near where you do homework and where you can see it every day. At the beginning of each week write all your assignments in the order they are due with the due date. Out of sight out of mind. If it’s on the syllabus and not on my wall, I don’t see it. Check it off as you go. It feels good and you can see your progress.
3. Get a small timer, don’t use your phone. Your phone may lead to distractions. If you are having a hard time starting homework, set the timer for 10, 15, 20, or however many minute to get started. I find once I started it’s easier to keep going. I do this with housecleaning too.
4. Utilize the student services like tutors, especially in areas of struggle.
5. No matter how stressed or overwhelmed you feel, don’t give up. As long as you keep moving, even at a slow pace, you will get to the end. I am proof! As she said, focus on how you are going to feel when you accomplish something, even a small homework assignment.
Good luck! I wish you well!
@@carriecarrie5285 Wow, thanks for taking the time to share all that. I'm gonna copy and paste it into a document for myself. That's so cool you were able to figure these things out for yourself. I so appreciate you sharing them, and I promise I will do my best to pay it forward. I wish you well as well =]
p.s. I apologize for the 4 day delay, I don't know why YT didn't alert me to your response.
@@samiam369 Update since I responded…I received confirmation from the university that I have completed all requirements to finish my degree. I’m officially a university graduate! When I made my original post, I said I was too exhausted to celebrate. I was wrong. I now feel a peace I haven’t felt in a very long time. I will celebrate my degree completion. Lol The reality is that many of us do not want to push ourselves to do the hard stuff because it’s easily overwhelming. However, some things are just worth it and we are worth it! Good Luck!
This feels like me rn with my workout routine, where the dysregulation of now obligating myself to complete them has eclipsed my other goals and energy to contribute to working to them. I’m just hoping to figure out a balance soon for myself that allows me to be healthy with my routines.
You've just opened up my eyes in a huge way with "Pathological Demand Avoidance." Holy shit, thank you.
Wow you’re putting words to a lot of techniques I tried in order to establish a routine. I’ve AuHD and while I crave manuals and structures, I crave dynamism just as much. What made a HUUUUUGE difference for me was understanding in clear terms, WHY I wanna do the routines I expect of myself. When I first examined this, I realized I was asking too much of myself, even when the reasons WHY I asked those things of myself were solid. I ended up scaling back what I expect of myself while maintaining WHY I wanna do what I wanna do. Coupled with some kinder self-talk and ample flexibility to do things in a different order throughout the day has led me to a place where I’m hitting in the 90th percentile of how often I’m doing my routines - simply bc they align w my desires & they meet (and can accommodate changes to) my capacity. It takes SOOOOOOOO much trial and error but it is possible. Just start by telling urself it’s possible even if it feels or is delusional. Any progress is great progress.
five minutes in... wow. I didn't even realize I had trouble feeling proud of myself but everything that young man was saying was exactly on point for me. Thank you for creating this space.
I desperately wish I could have a routine but I’m terrified of commitment. I’ve had tons of drama and moving from place to place in my life, along with abusive step parents so as soon as I would get comfortable with a routine something would happen. My situation now is a little more stable but is still chaotic from time to time. I’m so stressed all the time and I wish I didn’t live in fear of drastic change. But I know my life won’t get better if I don’t have some sort of routine. I’m so incredibly stressed, overwhelmed stimulated and tired all the time.
O dear, I hope that things will get easier for u soon. I'm also kinda freaked out about commitment, don't have an easy time with routine
Finding your channel has been so affirming. I’m currently trying to recover from long-term depression and my cognitive functions are operating at a “slower” pace. So much of what you said in this video is similar to what I’ve been learning and trying to figure out lately; I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I’m going to try and apply the goal method you shared. :)
I love your voice You speak so nicely and clearly. I don’t think it’s monotone like you have said. You have a very pleasant tone.
Yes, I have been doing these exact things for the past couple of weeks and having this forgiving system for myself has been the best thing for my productivity. It's a combination of your sandwich technique, and the Bullet Journal method with a few tweaks to make it work for me. What I've discovered is that I need 3 hours to myself in the morning before I feel ready to do things as my best self throughout the day. Without those three hours, I can still get what I need to do done, but I'm going to look and feel like crap while doing it.
One thing I have noticed though is that finding what works for me limits when and where I can work and even where I can live comfortably. I cannot get up before 9AM because I am a night owl and waking up earlier literally lowers my lifespan and I can feel it. But that means I'd have to find jobs that would let me work after noon, and I've done that before and it can be really inconvenient with how early some places close. This world really wasn't built for us, but at least I'm making due.
Could explain your mixed technique? I'm a bit lost 😭
@@icesaphir if you look up "how to bullet journal" a video for it will pop up. It's a way of keeping your life organized and the method was created by someone with ADHD. It's super minimal and customizable and forgiving, which is what we need. I use it to keep track of life monthly, weekly, and daily.
Then the sandwich technique comes into play day to day. I give myself blocks of time to do things and that's worked better for me than coming up with anything stricter than that. For example, in the morning I give myself 3 hours to get out of bed, work out, and wash up, maybe even do a daily ritual. Sometimes the first hour is me getting out of bed, sometimes I get out of bed right away. And when it comes to working out, my only requirement is that I move my body, but I do whatever workout I feel like doing because of I'm too strict with it, I WILL fall off again.
Does that make sense?
@@Tanyathestoryteller yes it does!! Thanks a lot, I'll look it up
Yeah the whole 9-5 lifestyle is no recipe for PEAK PERFORMANCE if you’re a neurodivergent night owl but businesses seem to prefer reliability and predictability anyways. Like they’d rather have somebody who performs like a consistent 6/10 than have somebody who performs 9/10 for a while then “suddenly” only 3/10 for some time and then 9/10 again and so on…
When you talked about feelings-based goals, it reminded me of a practice that my friends and I do together. It's from a book called The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. The process focuses on figuring out how you want to feel and then doing things to find that feeling in your life. It definitely changed how I looked at goal setting!
I know the benefits of structure and a routine for mental health and I definitely relate to the "bursts" of trying and then not being able to keep up with it, and having it be even harder the next time because of how many times I've tried and failed, tried and failed, and getting so discouraged by it all.
I've struggled with depression from a young age but wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 25. I used to be much higher functioning and remember not feeling rewarded despite all the things I was achieving. Despite trying different medications and being in and out of therapy the last 5 years (I'm 28 now) my functioning has continued to decrease and now I genuinely struggle with basic things, like remembering/forcing myself to brush my teeth, eat, and take my meds everyday. The rest of the time I spend trying not to feel guilty about how unproductive and unfunctional I am now and being overwhelmed by life and worrying about how I will be able to support myself in the future.
I've been trying to be kinder to myself but it feels confusing to navigate. I'm so used to having to push myself to do things that kindness feels like enabling my avoidance.
It feels like climbing a ladder with a broken leg. I get two steps up, and then fall down. Then i have to recover from the fall just to get two steps up and fall again. Every time I look back up at the 30 steps on this ladder.
I genuinely needed this. Thank you so much. Your videos are so helpful and well put together!!
I’ve had a gym routine which is just going to the gym 3 times a week. But my issue is that task, having to leave the house and knowing I have to leave the house stresses me out all day until I do it :(
Myb you can try home workouts that helped me a lot 😊
I don't know if you have any other routines in place already that require you to leave the house, but if you do it's helpful to kinda tie things in together. Like going to the gym then also hitting the grocery store before you head back. It really helps me also having one solid day or two that I have no responsibilities to be anywhere at any certain time but can if I feel up for it. Idk being a human is so weird and awful tbh lmao
One of my problems is that what I’m realistically capable of varies so wildly. I might be able to go swimming 5 times in one week and then completely unable to at all for a year. This is what makes everything feel utterly impossible and totally out of my control.
You are awesome irene i do not bother with goals love you're intelligent videos you are someone i really look up too awesome video
I was wondering what this was! When I go to standup in the morning the second I say, "I'll be working on xyz" I literally can't do it. I can do ANYTHING else. Now I just say, "yesterday I did xyz."
I really appreciated this and replayed the last ten minutes over and over. The trouble with me is that i need to give myself time to forget about time for EVERYTHING. I could win an Olympics of doing things slowly and meanderingly! I truly wish there was time to consciously give myself that much buffer time for everything.
I definitely relate to this, I've been slow and deliberate my entire life. Having long-term depression and anxiety doesn't help. I feel like almost any task takes me several times as much time as it would take someone else.
@@oksanakaido8437 I often experience that too - it takes me several times as long. Everything.
needed this video exactly for today, achieving so much recently, but I always feel like it's never enough. Feel like I can't give myself a break, feeling burnout
Main reason why I cut my hair so short was to spend way less time doing my hygiene routine as much as possible. I got it to 10-15 minute now and thus made things to do much easier but I’d be lying if at time I don’t do much on some days but I am shameless about it now lol.
I have been living in my own for two years and all this time I have learned about routines and goals from a neurotypical standard and have failed every time. THIS what I am listening is great wisdom and I have conscientiously taken notes to refer back! Keep up the great work, Irene!
I'm literally at 2:00, and oh. My goodness. I've literally been going through this for a very long time. The ping-ponging has gotten a lot faster and harder as of late, too. This has come exactly when I need it. I'm looking forward to the rest. Thank you so much
This was extremely helpful to me. I am 44, recently diagnosed with ADHD, and this really helped me think about why establishing routines has been so difficult for me throughout my adult life. I really resonated when you talked about how we can tend to dive in deeply and burnout- I can see that in so many periods of my adult life, particularly when looking at exercise routines and improving my diet. It just wasn't sustainable. I really appreciate this shit in perspective, and I look forward to applying these strategies in my life and integrating them with my neurodivergent daughter (very likely PDA autism, possibly also ADHD, although we have just gotten started in the assessment process.)
Well, if the problem is that I never want a routine, I don't want to do anything, I feel exhausted from my life, and on top of that, I will add to it a routine. I feel helpless and tired because I don't want a routine, I don't want to do anything, but I know inside myself that I have to establish a "routine" In order to succeed in my life, the content of your channel is interesting and useful. Thank you for the video
I needed to hear this, exactly right now.
I've spent so much time completely consumed in drafting (and re-drafting) the perfect routine.
Consistently, I found myself flat on my face and into an endless cycle of "WTF... I thought I planned for this..."
I knew something was missing but completely blind to any trace of it. (It's like having a constantly active Remembrall from HP 😅)
I appreciate you for making this and reminding me to tap into my body as a guide. It gives me hope that the thing I was missing has been here and I was good at it when I was a kid.
I just this year felt the shift of making working out regularly a "want" instead of a "should." Mind you, I've been an athlete since literally third grade. I'm now 31. It will get better. It can get better. I love this content so much. Thanks for a wonderful conversation.
Thank you so much for your content. I’m recovering from burnout and your content really helps give me some insight on how to create support and accommodations for myself 💜
Fabulous! I had to watch this quite a few times due to my extreme aversion surrounding this subject! I found it virtually impossible to process what you were saying first time round, but it is something I really need to work on. I feel the first watch is always “oohh Irene’s hair is gorgeous today, what is that plant behind her? I wonder what wall colour that is? etc!” I am thankful that you always have practical processes to help that I can take the time to work out/through without the stress of therapy. I always feel empowered after your videos, thank you Irene. ❤
I resonate with your videos so much that I struggle to watch them because it is like looking in a mirror. The avoidance is so, so real. But, really, thank you so much for providing accessible and vital information through your youtube channel :)
this was so helpful! i have trouble reminding myself to underestimate expectations of myself as to not feel disappointed/ burnt out while building up good habits! is that your new dream couch i spy in the background ;)
mayhaps 👀
Ive never felt more validated in my life.
I was diagnosed adhd as a young kid and now as an adult I’m relating a lot more with the autistic spectrum. Watching your videos has really helped me understand and relate to the internal challenges of neurodivergence. Your content is also very calming and soothing to watch tbh so thank you! Thank you for holding space for this
Yeah, I related to everything you said. I would add that this childlike immersion in whatever experience seems to be in tension with remaining mindful and listening to our bodies. Which I just find so difficult and fail at again and again lol.
Definitely one of my faves on your channel, thanks so much. Would you recommend any reading for delving deeper?
And I hope you will figure out how to manage your pain and eventually heal.
Holy mackerel this hit the nail on the head for me. I never really felt it was fair or accurate to call myself neurodivergent, but this could have been a direct description of my own life. The amazing irony is that I was raised by parents who are EXACTLY THE SAME as I am in the sense that they aren't well served by the attitudes that they constantly attempt to adhere to and push me into. And yet here I am in a family filled with people who keep running into the same problem and can't see the problem or the way around it.
I recently discovered your channel and I’m so happy you exist. You make me feel not so alone and I thank you for that and for making these videos. They are very helpful
I created a playlist called ''very helpful'' just to save and revisit this video, it is AMAZING! I feel like my brain and thoughts are actually validated and considered for once, like I'm not told to ignore it and just do it like a neurotypical person, thank you so SO much
Thank you for this. Perspective shift is so important and i really appreciate yours because it makes me feel not crazy for feeling the same way.
Ive never felt like i could enjoy the feeling of accomplishment because it always feels like theres just one more thing coming that i have to do or deal with before i can ever rest.
Turning the expectation from "what have i done" to "how do i feel" is so good because I'm already so skilled at ignoring my feelings being high masking for literal decades.
Its a new skillset that i am working on.
One thing that’s been helpful for doing chores is thinking about how I am doing a kind thing for myself and that I want to be kind to the little kid in me rather than an obligation because I have to clean. It’s been a tricky balance but I now have board with tasks I can move once I finish them for the week. This has been helpful as I can see the tasks visually and move them once I finish and not forgot about them if they are in a notebook or sticky note. I have the space to do these chores when I want and how I want and not be overwhelmed by tasks floating around in my head or confused if I actually did something or not. It’s routine in the sense that it keeps me accountable for the week but it’s flexible enough so that I can choose the manner of when they are done and not lose track for weeks whether or not I have cleaned the fridge. The goal is not to get them all done either it’s to establish little acts of compassion for myself!
I appreciate you sharing the feeling based aspect/importance of PDA based regulation because I think that is the key I’ve been trying to pinpoint.
YOU ARE BRILLIANT
This is so relatable. So glad I'm not the only one struggling like this. I'm finally realizing why I struggle with motivation and getting practical tasks done, and it's nice to have an explanation for it all.
The part about leaving time to forget about time resonates so much with me. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you
Thank you so much for these videos, you are saving me right now from feeling like I'm incapable of managing. The reminder that my brain's resistant to neurotypical approaches is natural rather than a personal flaw is so needed
I think i really needed this today! I have to take my written permit test and getting to this point has been so difficult, especially studying and tje fact that im working right now. It’s difficult to not feel shame for being behind on my goals.
this video really resonated with me, especially the part about not even feeling proud of my accomplishments. i grew up constantly catching up with other people’s level of productivity and accomplishments, and choosing goal accomplishment over my well-being. the consequences of it caught up with me this year-i can’t ignore my well-being anymore, but it also makes it very difficult to have a routine that isn’t dreadful to maintain. thank you so much for your advice!
I have so many thoughts.
I've been trying to live exactly this... for the past month or so. But I wasn't able to put words to it. Just intuition.
As far as time, yes. I find I struggle immensely with time management. I was "lazy" for so long because I had this dread of starting due to lack of time management. A serial procrastinator, if you will.
I heard someone suggest telling myself I only have to "do the thing" for 5 minutes. And if I hate it after 5 minutes, I'll give myself the grace to try another time. And what dya know?! I've given myself a great tool to deal with my [fear of failure, loss of time, not wanting to do the chore, etc] procrastination!
So far, my best self-improvements have come from mindfulness, giving myself grace, and understanding projection & finger-pointing.
Awesome video. Deserves a rewatch! 👀
TYSM for this video!!!
😃😃😃💘💝😁😁😁
When I first learned about PDA from Harry Thompson being a guest on someone's youtube, it answered all my questions about why I seemed to have the opposite of xyz autistic trait that kept me from being able to fully accept my self diagnosis & kept the impostor syndrome running strong...
Unfortunately, there was SO LITTLE information available on it at the time that I watched every RUclips in a matter of days & read everything on probably every website in just a couple of weeks or less.
It's very possible that searcing for pda on yt lead me to your channel, as I added several to my weekly routine at that time, & now you are absolutely one of my favorite autistic content creators!!😁
I am SO GREATFUL that so many of y'all are going more in depth on this topic & making more & more videos!
💫It is a real need!✨️
I honestly think there are a relatively high % of undiagnosed PDAers around the globe and we really need to raise awareness of this profile of autism so that it can be added to the DSM during our lifetimes! 🤞☺️
These words hitting my soul , this is extremely relevant to me thank you !!
i LOVE what you are doing. keep it up, you really helped me get rid of some internal anxiety I felt
You’re so caring ☺️
Neurodivergent people are just as important as neurotypical people ❤
This video was VERY helpful I’ve been working out for 2 months the example you gave about swimming is very relevant to me. When you force yourself on a strict regime it definitely causes burnout giving myself time to do things really does help. I’m trying to allow myself to not beat my own ass if I take a break when needed but it’s so far this is a video I’m definitely gonna rewatch when I feel “not good enough” for needing a break.
Yeah I had a goal of meditating every day and if I missed a day I restarted the count and I realized I was upset by it, felt like a failure, I was being too hard on myself for a little slip
When I go cycling, I always make sure that the weather is right and I'm in the right mind set. If it's raining or too hot or I already have a bad day, I'm going to be overstimulated so therefore training can't be beneficial if I'm not enjoying it. So let's say Monday to Wednesday it's raining and Thursday I didn't sleep well so I had to throttle down a bit to not overwhelm myself. That means that 3 days in the week are applicable for sustainable training, so if I manage to at least go cycling on 2 days I have a success rate of 66% and I try to keep it at least 50%.
Since I manage my "routine" this way I've been feeling much easier and happier and more motivated to keep going. Sometimes it's not my fault, you should NOT have to force yourself or gaslight yourself into doing something that is supposed to be healthy. Sometimes a change in perspective is enough to make a huge difference! Thank you for this video.
This is one of the best videos on this topic. Never has someone explained the whole crux of the issue so well, connected it to childhood, and offered some alternative ways of thinking about those actions we ultimately WANT to take.
I'm so thankful for your articulation of my core life long dilemmas. My bowel movement literally improved by the end of this video. God bless you
I love your content and you articulate yourself so well. Making content of such good quality can’t be easy so I appreciate your consistent effort on your channel. I have only recently come across your videos and i feel like you do an amazing job expressing your thoughts. It’s honestly a breath of fresh air hearing you talk. Even when i do not relate to some parts of your discussion i can understand and engage anyways.
this really spoke to me. i’ve been trying to get myself into a set of routines as i thought it would help my AuDHD, but I always resisted them. this has affirmed to me why, and given me assurance there’s still a way to get things done that I *actually* want to do, without burdening myself with the constraints and expectations that come from it. i suffer from arthritis, so definitely have more off days than on days, swimming has been helping me too and is something I truly enjoy. so i think i’m going to apply this technique you shared to actually do it more when i wish to do it, rather than forcing myself to do it when i think i need to go. thank you again for your videos Irene, you are so affirming and validating. i really feel like i am beginning to understand myself a lot more.
Giving enough time to forget about time is important for me. It was a good reminder. One of the reasons I resist doing things is because I feel the need to manage my time wisely, but then I end up doing nothing….. eep. When I was a kid I would just read for hours! As an adult, I don’t have that luxury. I have a pet, a job, grocery shopping and cooking. I wish I could just read and not worry about time. I’ll try to incorporate this idea occasionally. Thank you.
6:50-7:02 I have bulging discs & pinched nerves at my L5-S1 vertebrae.. I can relate !! We never pick up any scripts or masks when we are younger for when all your thoughts are interrupted by “can’t keep a straight face” pain all the time. I am AutisticADHD. Got in a car accident in 2021 and that’s what lead to my life/marriage crashing down to the point I had to seek out help. 👏 and your videos were some of the most influential ones in my decision. YOU ARE BRILLIANT
Yay top 46 and top 414 comments and likes. Love this channel. Best to you and your family. Thanks for making this content.
This video resonates with me so much. Your gentle, intuitive approach to routines is so healing to listen to. I have struggled with routines into adulthood and always found myself ping ponging between depressive phases where I don’t believe in myself and anxious phases where I push myself anyways. Both are exhausting and unsustainable. This video gave me a little extra glimmer of hope that there really is a comfortable way to build routines ❤
So, so good. Thank you.
I have found that *nothing* “motivates” me, so it’s very difficult to get most anything going, let alone stick with routines. One “Aha!” I recently had was sure, nothing “motivates” me … but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let someone get the satisfaction of being right in their doubts about me and my abilities. Disbelief that I can accomplish something drives me to prove that I CAN. (Naturally, sometimes they really are correct, but because some things are simply impossible for humans in general (😂😅), BUT I often accomplish greatness simply because someone was sooo sure that I couldn’t.
A healthy mix of reclaiming my worth as a human being, discovering and understanding my neurodivergence, as well as a perspective shift in regards to the doubt of others, ✨🤔Challenge accepted!🤨✨ has been propelling me forward in tackling my [hoarded] home like never before. ✊😭
** But let it be said, if I sense even a hint of manipulation or intentional reverse psychology, then *NOPE.*
You have such an amazing and underrated channel! I have noticed some of the best channels have low subscribers because the more niche and technical something is the less people interested. So almost ironic the more detailed and high quality something is the less subscribers. Thank you for making this content.
I love this video. Undershooting, taking things REALLY slow and setting ranges for goals rather than set in concrete targets is super helpful for me. I also like to research what the smallest effective dose is, it's often surprisingly manageable! 💜
I just want to express my appreciation for the work you do via holding this channel and uploading such phenomenal content.
I’ve branched over tons of videos explaining how to set goals and just find an understanding to live a more fulfilling life but never have I ever found someone who articulates in a way that my brain can actually comprehend.
As a late diagnosed autistic adult I believe this correlation has to do with your approach to literally learning to work with yourself + access the needs that are craving to fulfilled. (Sensory, stimulation, etc).
Thank you again for these videos that have truly aided me in understanding how to work with the brain I got going on in a society that isn’t necessarily prepped to fully aid me.
Best wishes !
I needed to hear this so much.
I say I want to write as a career, as a self-employment (because the rock and the hard place of admitting/hiding that you're autistic when applying) but now that I have the time to do it, the thought of doing the long hours of self employment, of polishing my hobby into a professional standard, even setting myself a set number of hours a week to write, and do all the independent stuff needed to run a business, paralyzes me.
I thought I was being lazy, workshy, entitled. Even though I put it off for ages, maybe I need to set low goals and build up to it, or see what my brain feels capable of on the day.
Thank you.
i feel like it can be so hard to even know what things i genuinely want. having both autism and ptsd, as well as dealing w chronic pain, i find i do sm to avoid situations, to the point that i don’t even feel like i know what i enjoy or want to do. even things i look forward to can turn into horrible scary situations so quickly because of my illness. it’s really hard to make routines when every day is so different, and rarely in a positive way.
Omg, the way I NEEDED THIS VIDEO 🥹 I swear as a PDAer, I feel so unseen in my struggles and completely at the mercy of my whims and avoidance. People really don’t see it or get it. Doing the most basic things inevitably leads to meltdown, burnout, shutdown, skills regression. Last night I had to schedule work things, and I’m terrified that all I will be able to accomplish is just that - a calendar full of things I’ll avoid. It hinders my career in every way, it’s the one thing about my autism I’d be happy to get rid of if I could.
I always have a routine that I do everyday and I sometimes experienced an autistic burnout. Along with my ADHD and Autism, I'm set on attaining my goals in my life but one step at a time.
I am sooooo alleviated (?! Is this correct?!) that people like you Irene, young people bring all of that to the light. When you are different and deep and emotional and just don’t Fr into broken society it’s so validating to hear that there are others experiencing the same things and I feel it’s so important to talk about it like you do.
Also you have a Beautiful mind, you articulate what I think but in a linear less chaotic way - and I am surprised to listen to my own thoughts but more clearly! Are you an INFJ 😅😊 ?
Also your voice is powerful - I mean it’s authentic and deep, one can feel that it’s real what you say because you experienced it.
I’m a teenager and hearing this made me realize the main reason why I’m not good at doing my own routines. For context, I do school virtually and I have undiagnosed adhd and autism. The reason why I can’t maintain a routine is bc it’s too unrealistic and rigid. As much as I would like a rigid routine, the adhd and executive dysfunction in me just makes it so hard for me to fulfill. I either get distracted from doing my work, or I just struggling to move from one subject to another since most of the time I’m not finished. I want a good routine to help me get my schoolwork done so I can then get a job (my mom won’t let me rn since I’m not good at finishing assignments on time). Thank you for this video much love.🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
So much of this video especially in the beginning hits SO close to home. Also it's weird, the whole "focus on how you feel" thing might actually explain why late last year I managed to stick to a routine of going outside mostly every day. Because it would make me feel so good and give me so much energy and I would also allow myself to play a game after I came back in (which is usually hard, just allowing myself to relax or have fun or whatever) I guess I stopped seeing it as "I *have* to go outside" and more like "I want to go outside because I keep feeling this and that way afterwards"
Might have to focus on those types of feelings more so than the whole "I *have* to do it" mindset.
Needed this! Routines help me but make me feel trapped at the same time. Thanks 😊
Oooh! "Enough time to forget about time" made perfect sense as soon as you said it! Thank you!
i relate sooo much to those tiktoks you showed. honestly relate to the while concept of swinging between anxiety and trying to make everyone around you happy by achieving what is expected of you and more while remaining unsatisfied and burnt out, to depression and apathy. I felt that massively throughout school, even when I achieved literally perfect grades and put everything into it. It sucks as well because I've found autism makes achieving so many things a thousand times harder, so the lack of celebration in achieving things really just piles up the negative self image. You just think 'wow, it took me so much work to do that and it still wasn't good enough. What's the point?'. Sucks so much, especially since I only realised I was autistic this year! So much unlearning to do
Omg exactly what I needed at exactly the right time
😮
Irene, I REALLY needed this video. Thank you so much! I saved this to watch when I need a reminder to make a routine that is enjoyable for me
I actually did the forgetting about time while I was putting away clean clothes while listening to this video! 😊
i was seeing a lot of autism content on youtube for a while and it didnt help me in any meaningful way, but ive watched like 3 of your videos and youve addressed struggles ive had for years. i finally got to an irl psychologist and while im not thinking of opening up about a possible diagnosis anytime soon, i think i can get to a better spot in life with your and her help. thank you so much for existing and sharing these things, they mean the world to me.
The way I'm about to rewatch this video over and over again. There's sooooo many emeralds. Sis, you gotta make this into an etsy sheet. This is amazing.
another helpful thing i've done is turn routines into an experiment. i make a hypothesis and hold myself to the -possible-results. i love research and process. i had a few months to see what would happen if i timed myself brushing my teeth for exactly two minutes. My hypothesis is that i would just get kind of better at knowing how long two minutes is. I timed it every day, and over time i got really good at breaking down areas of my mouth to get it exactly right. i can still do that exact routine and without a timer visible, brush my teeth for exactly two minutes. it was super fun and just about seeing what would happen!
How are your health issues going? Were you able to resolve or get treatment for any of them? I hope you are doing better and not in too much pain
Still in the process of figuring out what chronic condition I have. Brought up HEDS to my new doctor and am in the process of getting tests done/ being referred out to other specialists. Also in the process of scheduling surgery to getting a bilateral TMJ replacement. 🥲 It’s a lot. Will probably make a video on chronic conditions when I have gotten more answers!
@@thethoughtspot222 I am 63 and just found out I have parathyroid disorder which was causing my symptoms that no one could figure out til the doctor decided to do a full thyroid bloodwork. I hope you find out how to get treatment for your ailments. You are too young to have so many problems with health. Good luck and may you have a complete healing and recovery
@@thethoughtspot222Wow, that really is a lot! I hope it gets better and you find ways to deal with all the pain that may remain.
Swimming seems to make a lot of sense. :)
New video yay
Best video I ever watched on PDA and executive dysfunction in Austism
one of the things that has made executive functioning difficult for me is how much I base things on feeling that shouldn't be. for example, time. 1 hour is simply not 1 hour to me. I can't perceive time in a consistent measurement even if that time, 1 hour for example, is the same. it doesn't just change with each task, the same task can consistently take a hour, the washing for example and that hour will feel different every time I do the washing. I know this comes under time blindness but people don't understand how debilitating it can be on a daily basis. It sucks because I am the type of person to constantly OVER-estimate how much I can achieve or take on. It has even interfered with my relationships because I am forever over estimating how much time I can spend with another person, especially because I can't predict what other people are going to do/say! So many times throughout my life I've had to find escapes when hanging out with someone (or a group of people) because I hit a wall with how much input I am able to take from someone else.
there are very very very few things i feel even remotely proud of myself for in my life. and even then, i don’t think i really know what “proud” means or is supposed to feel like. and i feel like whenever i’m on the verge of being proud of something, it’s never anything that’s important to others. i just want someone to be proud with me when i wake up at the time i set out to and eat a health breakfast. or when i finish the laundry. cuz those things are so hard for me. i appreciate the “woohoo, you gave a great performance!” but that’s what i’ve always felt expected to do. growing up in the arts, not giving a brilliant performance i felt was failure. so now when i perform, compliments don’t mean anything. it’s the bare minimum. when i got A’s in school, it was the bare minimum to me.
I feel ya😊😊😊😊😅
Just...wow. I don't know how you got so dang wise at your age, but thank the universe for it. I hit burnout a few years ago from constant over-pressure to achieve goals, didn't know I was neurodivergent, couldn't understand why I couldn't just keep doing the things. Finally learned I am ND a couple years ago, but have been flailing around trying to find approaches to life I could sustain. Tried to go back to the hard pushing over the past few months. I "accomplished" more, but it was traumatic in many ways, and clearly bad for my body and psyche and soul. I am deeply grateful for your insight and perspective on this topic, I haven't heard anyone say these things like you do. And I appreciate you taking your time to make longer videos, because it helps me fully understand what you are saying, as opposed to those 2 minute videos that promise the secret to a big shift but really it's just click bait. So thank you. 🙏
I've seen this video 3 times, but my ADHD brain keeps forgetting it😂 So I'm here again!
i needed your insight / presence growing up (and now when im 22 lol)! this video + the one about hygiene makes me feel not alone in my struggles, and i have hope that i'll get through it, because you are
I got the money to quit my job and pursue acting right as the strikes began so I'm very overwhelmed with executive dysfunction left to my own devices. Trying the force a routine stopped working so a couple months have passed and life is just about how I handle myself. Addiction is a big block to move with everything else, but I have a better idea of what I do and don't need to give myself. Thank you for this, it's great timing.
I have the burnout after I maintain a routine …I also procrastinate when I have to do something I don’t like to do …like go to the dentist …I have chronic pain so exercise makes that worse…you have explained exactly what I do and why! Finally I am hearing …it’s not just me! ❤ trying to accomplish things slowly in baby steps works the best for me .
This was so incredibly helpful for me, i cant thank you enough😩❤️
this is sooo helpful thank you thank you thank you
I NEEDED this video today. 2 meltdowns today alone from lack of routine. thank you 🖤
THIS HITS DEEP!
🤔 i love the perspective of giving yourself the space to immerse yourself and the subsequent rejuvenation! I'll be thinking about this
Thank you so much for this! I love your content ❤
I am just commenting to boost the algorithm.
Amazing video thank you!!
The last point was so Valuable ❤