Same. It felt like people didn’t are about the way I felt, and they didn’t understand me. I don’t know about the first part of that, but the sec part is 100% true.
@@Reed5016I ditched my high school friends recently, I was taken advantage of for years and enabled it. Also it’s telling when you’re the one initiating conversations and the other ones aren’t. I’ve had fake friends flaking on me for several years.
I never allowed myself to b angry- thought I was being selfless by transmuting it into a quiet sadness. It just made me perpetually quietly sad! Here’s to unlearning. 👊
10:10 “I was a parentified child, I not only had to figure out how to take care of myself but in figuring out how to take care of myself I had to take care of my parents in order for me to have a safe space to take care of myself” this hit deep
For me, listening to "angry" music like metal and punk + moving my body (doing high intensity exercise) has always helped. I think listening to metal music in particular taught me that it is ok to be angry, and there are many ways to express it.
My anger is so intense, and scares me so much. I’m getting better at allowing it to be expressed in healthy ways, but repressing it for so long has turned it into something very frightening and unfamiliar.
Same. I experienced very traumatic things last year, making me lose control and lash out and scream, which i never ever did in my life, this made a horrible impact on my physical health, especially my heart. Now im living with constant fear of not being able to control myself and my emotions. I don't even know what to do about it. Because every time I've reacted to my anger, my body got internally hurt in some ways
This explains so much! I was forced to mask and repress anger because I was constantly invalidated for my emotions at a certain age range. My anger and sadness was never taken seriously in my teenage years, gaslit by my mother as "becoming psychotic" when she would become explosive and threw things and me screaming to "shut it". I have CPTSD from that... took me another decade before I realized I need to express my anger and defend my right to, especially when there is a wrong being done!
@@saininjthankfully it's been over a decade since those years, she did genuinely love me but it seemed like a ton of stigma and stereotypes she held against me came from the diagnosis I had at the time.
@@saininjexactly, I fully relate too! I swear we all had the same mother 😄. OP I’m really sorry, I hope you’re feeling a little bit better as you get older ❤
@@saininjexactly, I fully relate too! I swear we all had the same mother 😄. OP I’m really sorry, I hope you feel a little bit better as you get older ❤
Also, depression is anger turned inward. I wasn't allowed to be angry - even frustrated with normal things that anyone would be angry or frustrated about. Its led to a lifetime of depression.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” -Buddha Anger was the #1 family emotion for us.
@@gothboschincarnate3931hate is a very strong word, for someone you have never met or even heard speak. I don't want to diminish your feeling, I don't want need you to reply, I'm hoping to spark ideas to get you to explore your feelings. Because I used to be really bad at knowing my feelings, and repressing (still working on it), and realised pertained I was misdirecting my anger towards completely external "figureheads/ avatars" Humans are human, we all get a lot of stuff wrong, that's okay. Doesn't mean any single one of us can't hold wisdom. Doesn't mean getting stuff wrong means someone gets everything wrong. Hating someone you've never met, is as harmful as loving someone you've never met. For me it's misdirected emotions about real life interactions because I couldn't express "negative" emotions like anger, pain, grief, fear, sadness, loneliness...or that feeling that no matter my attempts to find answers there were never answers. For you it could be different, and it could be that this doesn't warrant exploring. But try trust that I'm writing this comment with good intentions, even though I'm a stranger on the internet
So accurate about women repressing anger and autoimmune diseases. Men struggle with being allowed to show sadness and vulnerability, but women aren't allowed to express boundaries and anger when boundaries have been crossed, because god forbid we're hysterical, etc. Our anger is pathologized when it is something that has gone behind every revolution for women's rights. Anger is a threat to patriarchy. So express! In a healthy way ofc ;).
This guy who had been my friend for a long time started being mean, like condescending and actually hateful. So when he pushed me for the last time, I screamed at him. He goes "You don't have to be so mad about something that happened in HS" bro was talking about me being stalked and harassed by another girl for 4 months. I just don't give a fuck anymore how people are hurt by my anger unless they actually didn't deserve me to be mad at them
When I was in jr high I learned how to death-growl because I was really into horror movies and death metal. It's great because it engages your vocal cords int the same way singing falsetto does which allow you to ful- force-scream at a low volume.
Def learning how to do gutterals is an awesome way to let out the full force of a top-of-your-lungs scream but at a volume that can be very acceptable even if you’re around people. I work in a kitchen and I do it all the time. Alongside the noise and volume of the kitchen it just sounds like an annoyed grunt. People will prolly still look at you weird, but not in the same way as screaming out loud will.
By repressing and intellectualizing our emotions and ourselves in any and every ways possible. We are washing away our authentic self. We are completely ignoring our intuition and we do pay the price. We're all on our own path Irene. These break throughs are precious, these moments genuinely make me realize what the meaning of Gratitude is. I'm seriously grateful for this video because even tho I'm on my own journey currently, I found so many nuggets of wisdom in your video. Thank you so much!!❤ Edit: Working out and blasting music is still my favourite way to process my anger. I've never been so regulated than when I was regularly working out.
Not only did I repress my anger out of fear of hurting others, I also intellectualized it in a not healthy way. Instead of just trying to understand what caused my anger, I systematically told myself out of it by gaslighting myself and minimizing or discrediting the reasons I was angry. Like I convinced myself that it wasn't so bad in order to avoid having to set my boundaries witch was to stressful for me. I only recently realized that my main compensatory strategy to avoid being perceived negatively was to not let myself think or feel anything other than what I thought I should think or feel. Witch is very messed up. It took me six years to understand that my job was destroying me because I didn't let myself feel, process or understand my negative emotions. I was told that having a lot of social connexions and helping people was a meaningful way of living that would make good people happy, and so I convinced myself that I loved doing it even thought it was too much socializing for me and then didn't understand why my physical and mental health were falling apart.
I'm going through the exact same things right now (I'm still not sure if I have AuDHD). I have never felt angry until about a year ago when I started therapy, and even then, I didn't know what to do with the feeling, dismissed it, and my issues worsened. It wasn't until about two months ago when I started struggling with derealization and depersonalisation (as a result of ending a very important friendship that turned toxic) that I realised what I have been doing to myself all my life and was finally able to start my healing journey. It's rough. But I'm starting to accept myself and dig into the unpleasant stuff in order to listen to and understand myself better. And it was so healing to me to read your experience and feel understood. Thank you very much for sharing. It feels good to feel less alien.
@@janeangl1423 de realisation/ depersonalisation and dissociation are hard..❤ 🫂 most are due to severe trauma. I hope you are not alone completely by yourself and that you have someone in your life who truly cares about you my friend 💛🙏 thank you for sharing
I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder because of these exact issues. I went from never truly remembering or understanding the feeling of anger to it being the most overwhelming strongest emotion I ever had and I still struggle with managing it till this day. Now I am unable to not allow myself to feel my emotions and express them. Even if I try to suppress my emotions, it’s only a matter of time until I have a meltdown.
The method of expressing my anger that works best for me is having an angry rant. Vocalizing the specific things that are making me angry, especially in the presence of a person who understands that I am just getting it out and that it is not an attack towards them. Having someone who can witness my anger really helps dissipate it. I usually find that I have tons of energy afterwards. Mostly, my anger wants to be heard. Because of this, I am also someone who is happy to listen to someone else's angry rants. It's very cathartic.
As the oldest child in my family I was so concerned with being the peace-maker that I was made to feel like I couldn't let myself feel anything. I was never in sports but I felt a similar sort of release being involved in singing groups and theater growing up. It's been really great to rediscover those creative outlets in adulthood because music has truly always been the main thing that has made me feel seen. ❤
That's true I can kind of express my anger through music even if it is suuuuuuuper repressed. I was parentified by two parents who could not self-regulate so I always had to be the regulator for them and that created a lot of unhealthy patterns.
On point Irene. Anger is an emotion just like happiness or sadness. Finding healthy ways to express the anger is key. I've read that monks are at a high risk for diabetes. They found a link between repressing anger and diabetes. So the body really does keep the score. ❤
I grew up as the eldest child/daughter and the family 'mediator' between my divorced parents and younger siblings..... this hits me SO hard, the anger eventually forced it's way out when I completely fell apart mentally as a late teen and developed a serious binge drinking problem and self-harm addiction :(
Sounds like “fawning” which is usually a survival strategy from trauma. I think some autistics struggle to stop their anger coming out. Personally, anger was the only “negative” emotion I was allowed to express growing up because I was raised in a typical repressed British household. Crying or being sad was absolutely not allowed. So everything would bubble under the surface until it all exploded out in anger. I need to learn how to identify what I’m actually feeling underneath the anger and how to express it instead of anger.
I often feel guilty for expressing anger, and think that "I'm a nice person, I shouldn't get angry at people, that makes them feel bad, and it isn't really their fault." I notice that I'm starting to do that intellectualizing thing, focusing on "Ok, what am I feeling, why am I feeling it, this isn't a good emotion, let's find out where it's coming from and make it stop." I needed the reminder to let it out - this applies to other things too, not just anger! Guilt, shame, anything that I dislike, I tend to repress. Thank you for talking about this.
I was a super angry kid. Pretty early on, though, I had to teach myself to bury it. I did that for years. I remember the movie Anger Management really stuck with me. I didn't realize how angry I actually was. I kept dissociating for YEARS until a few years back. My wife and I were dating and she told me that I was "watching TV in my head" around my family. I didn't even realize I had been tuned out for so long. This was all before I figured out I was neurodivergent. Here I am at 42, finally being more present in situations. I really connected with your description of screaming in the car. That's been a huge anger release for me. Tensing up and absolutely going berserk with shouting.
Without anger you become a doormat and are extremely at the mercy of others (ability to stop themselves). My home life was a war zone. I got beaten up regularly, had to watch my sister being hit as well. My anger and stubbornness were the only thing that made me able to hang on for dear life. I've been in chronic fight response for ages. I have no issues with arguments. But I had to work with my rage because a part of me was still stuck on the battlefield fighting for it's life. Reactive and locked in. Like a dog having another in a death grip. Underneath is deep deep powerlessness and grief. Tons and tons of grief. To me it's much easier to 'step into the ring' than go into that. Because it feels like i would just cry for years. And that energy is a lot lower than anger. Anger moves shit. Wild ride eh? Everyone has different layers to feel. Somatic work is great. Some yoga chest opening made me instant cry too. Be sure to be grounded enough so your nervous system can deal. Ps: Oh yeah, I did martial arts for 12 years and boy was I way more chill back then. Planning to get back into it.
It’s so freaky to go your entire life misunderstood and then finally find videos of others speaking on your exact thoughts and connections it’s such a relief off my shoulders but feels like it’s not even real life. To know I’m not the only one who thinks this way has saved my life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences (and all other AuDHD creators) it’s helping people more than you may ever realize.
Repressing the anger has been feeding my depression because it got turned against me. As a teen, it also led to ED issues. Last year, for the first time I allowed myself to get angry at others and it felt GOOD. It lasted MONTHS because it was years of repressed anger coming out at once and it was so painful to deal with.
this is happening to me right now, as i’m past the point of demonizing anger from family issues. i’m very trigger happy to express it when its deserved, and it’s definitely a learning experience
Don’t let it bottle up. You’re a human being, allow yourself to be angry and express it the moment you feel it, but of course, in a productive way, love you 💛
I highly highly recommend the book On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good by Elise Loehnen. She talks about how this is a struggle for ALL women due to being forced to *not* be angry and most women do not know how to process their anger and it comes out in other ways. Of course, this is wayyyy more for us with asd. When I read the chapter on Wrath, this was the epiphany that I had as well. You're not alone.
This video really helped put things into perspective for me. When I was angry/frustrated/grumpy as a kid my parents told me I was being a brat, and "nobody likes whiners". Or they'd kind of laugh and poke fun at me, like it was silly because I didn't really have anything to be upset about. My whole life I've thought in the back of my head I must be a bad person because I was such a difficult, sensitive, self-centered kid, whereas my older siblings were so polite and quiet at that age. Now it's clearer for me to see that I wasn't bad, I was just a kid struggling to regulate (especially with sensory issues) and my parents didn't understand how to help me. My siblings were simply able to repress more than I could, which damaged them too. And tbh, I'm really fucking angry at my parents. Part of me hates them, even. Which is hard to admit because I'm still stuck in the old survival mechanism of suppressing my anger and trying to please and defend them so that maybe I'll be safe. It feels good to come full circle and welcome that anger, and begin to let go of this shame around it. As an adult, I can finally create the safety for myself that I was always looking for as a kid.
As a grown up woman I still have friends and notice that many people who see anger as something just unhealthy or highly transitory. Being angry helped me tremendously to move away from bad situations and abusive relationships without fear, attachment, resentment or feelings of guilt. Anger helps, it gives you strength and motivates for change, as mentioned in the video. That being said I'm not anger charged and I'm not going around kicking stuff on the street or I am mean to people. No. It's very directed to the situations and / or people who had affected me and it has protected me from those. That energy (that you talk about in the video) is just amazing!
Ugh, my whole life since puberty!!! I was bullied in school, and the anger from that time still haunts me now as a 35 year old. I still haven't released any of it properly, but I find that listening to aggressive music (I'm mainly a metal-head) helps... I discovered that for myself in my teens. One more thing I like to do when feeling intense anger is punching the air while holding a dumb bell in each hand! That or using a rowing machine at the gym. Buuut going to a live metal concert beats all of them :3 I grew up in a veeeery calm family, and anger was a hostile emotion to show, so I repressed it in order to not scaring or upsetting people around me... Even the ones that made me so angry. I became unhealthily calm on the outside and constantly anxious on the inside. Thank you for talking about this, Irene
As a 28y/o afab previously undiagnosed Au/HD person, I *needed* this. I have never felt more heard by anyone, especially someone who's never met me; the parallels between what you were saying and what I've experienced were almost too much to bear. It feels so obvious now why I'm always in pain, more than anything thank you for giving me ideas and new ways to heal/cope. Take care,
I'm AuDHD and grew up in a similar environment so this is really relatable. I learned to resent my anger because I automatically associated it with abuse. Thank you for being vulnerable with your story and speaking to the importance of allowing ourselves to feel anger ❤
This one really hit me hard. I have a terrible relationship with my own anger, and I'm only just now struggling to allow myself to ever feel angry, but I've had so many years of dissociating to avoid it that I can't even cry when I need to. Interestingly, one of the things that I've always turned to without even realizing why (long before I even knew I was AuDHD) is extreme, harsh music. So when I'm extremely disregulated and don't have the tools to cope, listening to death metal at high volume is one of the only things that calms me. Since becoming aware of it, I have also found some research to support the notion that extreme music can be helpful for people who struggle with emotional processing.
I really have lost count of how many of your videos have made me cry from just feeling connected and understood. I'm in my late 30s and taking this long to realize your autistic truly feels like so much of your life has been stolen. Re anger: I've spent too many years in toxic home situations, just like you, trying to be calm and quiet. At it's worst it would feel like the fucking sun was inside my chest. I've also done a lot of screaming and crying in my car on the highway. Going on challenging technical hikes is another favorite, though living in the plains makes that less accessible unfortunately... Another thing I've recently realized I used to deal with everything, anger, my need to stim, escapism etc is GOING TO CONCERTS. I've been to 300+ in my lifetime and just always found them so cathartic. I never questioned it but boy, being able to scream and yell and headbang and go insane in a mosh pit was always just the best feeling in the world for me. Not being able to go to shows COVID era put me in a pretty heavy depressive state. Anyway! Thank you for your content, it's always appreciated
For those not into astrology, what she is saying about being in her Saturn Return is that she is in a time of learning some very hard lessons. After getting in touch with my anger, I too now cry every time anything feels intense. Good luck with your journey. It's intense. Maybe we'll meet one day on the other side.
I just started the video but i have been recently diagnosed with autism after being diagnosed with OCD (somatic and existential subtypes) & a dissociative disorder a year and a half ago. My narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex had triggered a lot of mental health issues while also shining light on my autistic traits, which encouraged me to get tested for it. I built up a lot of resentment towards my ex throughout the 2 year relationship and I also witnessed my parents' domestic abuse. All of the childhood and romantic relationship traumas formed my avoidant attachment style and triggered a freeze trauma repsonse. My brain learned to disconnect from my environment and body during stressful periods. However, the DPDR (derealization/depersonalization) symptoms just created more anxiety. I constantly suppressed my emotions and trauma, appearing fine and numb on the outside but I was interally screaming and panicking. It really is unhealthy to keep things bottled up as you mentioned because the harmful stored energy can manifest as physical illnesses, imbalances, and negative projection. I am grateful to come across another autistic person that notices the correlation with autism and dissociation. This topic is rarely discussed. ❤
The crying thing has been happening to me recently! All of a sudden, everything has started to make me cry. I remember being scared when it started lol, because even things like car commercials where a mom comes home to her kids after a long day would have me tearing up. I’ve always been told I’m a very emphatic person, loud and memorable, but I think a lot of that came from not knowing what I was feeling and just acting how I thought I was supposed to. Also having zero sense of tonal or volume control 😂. Since ive started to cry very randomly, I’ve been trying to express it to my roommates and friends, but no one else I’ve known seems to understand it. So this video made me feel very seen. It also gave me an explanation for a change in my life which I couldn’t explain, a ‘why’ for my emotional disregulation, which is great because now I feel like I can work on processing it better! So thank you for sharing❤️
I’m only 9 minutes but I wanna say I’m glad you listened to your intuition to talk about this because this is something I really REALLY need to hear and immediately resonated with so thank you 🫶🏾
I have a similar realisation a couple of weeks ago. This is extremely validating, thank you. I'm not sure if I'm able to word it correctly, but I'm trying. I didn't realise I was dissociating for years, it really changed the way I'm expressing myself now. I had a lot of anger in my in my feelings but I'm never able to express it. Instead I was depressed, but I didn't know how to put the way my brain works into words. I didn't know I was autistic until 30 years later. I'm chronically ill. I shut down sometimes, but it's not really what I mean by dissociating constantly - my brain was automatically daydreaming and repeating harmful memories at every chance it got. I wasn't able to focus when I sat down without doing anything, I always was in a different world when I disassociated. I HAD to watch, read, play, do anything in order to distract me from my thoughts but the act of doing this is also me dissociating. It was a symptom. Often I realised I wasn't focusing but I wasn't able to to do anything about it. One day I was in car as a passenger after I have this realisation and I tried to be in the present and I couldn't last for a minute. Not even a minute. It breaks my heart that my traumas could dig this deeply without me realising it. I thought that this was how everyone with depression felt like. It's no wonder that I'm chronically tired, by brain is working overtime.
I have so much repressed anger and frustration. It seemed like all the NT’s around me were able to express that, but not me. I had to be on my best behaviour to be accepted. I realise now that I struggle extremely with setting boundaries - I just don’t, and isolate instead. It feels so lonely living this way. I feel like I don’t have the “right” to express my boundaries because I’m a fundamentally broken person. Sighs.
Dont internalize boundary issue so much often we expect outcomes inconsistent with reality which deepens pain. Most ppl who violate common boundaries, do it systemically and pathological ly, to one degree or some other. I’m saying this to say the presumption is there is an assertion method that will result in your boundary being accepted by others this is wrong. Ppl who are going to violate your boundaries do so bc of there behavioral precedents, become incompatible
Audher here as well as Survivor of childhood abuse and currently becoming an Art Therapist. This video essay came at a perfe t moment when I'm writing my current essay on Disenfranchised Grief and it's sibling Anger
As an autistic woman who deals with this exact same issue myself and has been getting close to this realization, I'm so glad and appreciative that you've made the connection and made this video. It should be a gem and vital resource for every autistic woman to watch. It got so bad for me that I spent a year struggling with severe dissociation and have only now come out of it and begun to connect to myself again. Being completely cut off from yourself and from your emotions and life is such a sad way to exist. I've also struggled with self-harm. This video has encouraged me to begin expressing and releasing my anger in safe and healthy ways so that I can make the next step in my personal growth. Thank you so much, truly. P.S: Funnily enough, I had the exact same experience as you. After an argument with someone where I couldn't regulate myself, I left and as I was driving home I couldn't take it anymore and started screaming and screaming.
Thanks for covering this topic Irene you are always ahead of the curve. As a clinical mental health counselor I work with clients who are Neurodivergent especially immigrants. I've noticed women who repressed their anger chronically once they become mothers or reach menopause, the anger is almost uncontrollable.
I love this topic! Very timely for me. 54 yrs of anger repressed into my body and now I have MS. I really need to get a grip on this problem. It's literally destroying me.
I have so many thoughts! I’m having the same discovery during my Saturn return. I just discovered I have a dissociative disorder (I’ve noticed a lot of audhd people have as well And I suspect it’s bc of the topic of this video + the trauma of no support and maliciously masking) and the first this to come up after somatic therapy was anger. I screamed for a long time the very next day. Once I did that I realized all the pain and tension I was in. I hear you and this video made me feel heard every single part. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ I also wanna add we did what we needed to survive- including the suppression.
17:55 I think it's the most complete summary that can be made of the relationships issues of many of us here, and intersects with delay processing, or with problems accepting our own intuition (it's easy to fall into rationalization and ignore bodily sensations)..
I SEE you, I feel you. All of this, my parents were angry, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Never wanting to express anger has been incredibly harmful.
Irene, this video has such perfect timing for me. I feel like all of this is what I’ve wanted to express, but I was worried people would t understand. I remember having the same process recording myself a voice memo. Starting off with my Alexithymia, intellectualization, then inner child work, real rage mixed with sadness, strong emotions in my chest and stomach, and then grieving for my childhood. I keep catching myself thinking I’ve “gotten over it” because my life continues to move within a routine, but it’s reminders like this that help me to return to those primal emotions and the grieving process.
I relate to this video so hard, there's so many emotions I realized I suppressed because it was a defense mechanism and I've been trying to relearn them again. Anger is one of the hardest ones to feel, since I just never feel angry. Or choose not to, or logic it away, I dunno. It's so unnatural that it feels like I'm pretending to be angry sometimes. But if I could re teach myself to feel sadness and cry again, I can do this too some day. It helps reminding myself that anger happens when injustice occurs (to yourself or others) and should be used as a motivating tool. I wish everybody the best of luck on their self discovering journeys. ❤
I like to look at people's faces when they talk but they can't look at me too much because eye contact makes me uncomfortable. I appreciate how much you look away from the camera
This is so relatable. Thanks for this video. I've repressed it a lot all my life. I'm still learning how to use it in productive ways, because I too have internalized it and not used it to remove me from unsafe situations, setting boundaries and just have swallowed it all.
“Maybe I saved so many different people in different situations, but the one person I was not saving and was actually actively harming, was myself.” God damn that hit me so hard and resonate with it so much. Truly have so much to unpack. Thank you so much for helping me find the words to describe how I’ve been feeling for all these years. As a late diagnosed 30 y/o Autistic, your videos have been so helpful ❤
I’m so glad someone is taking about this. I deal with constant anger now and it seems to be linked to stimulation and sensitivities. But no one else has made a video about this. I’m exited to watch!
I’m so happy you listened to your intuition and uploaded this. Just as you said halfway through the video, I also have been really processing memories, learning how to do it emotionally, rather then just logically accepting that they happened. I just finished reading “What my Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo. One of the most profound and validating experiences on CPTSD I’ve read so far. And now this video, seems we’re all going through a major progression and understanding rn. How beautiful.
I recently started a full time job at an elementary school where I work specifically and more intensively with kids who have autism, adhd, or other neuro-divergent proclivities and your content has helped me a lot in my own understanding and in practice ❤
Dude, this is probably my favourite autism related video on this platform. The relatability, the rawness... I love it. This ones gonna be close to my heart
I've repressed anger so much for so long that most of my childhood I thought I was immune to this feeling that plagued everyone else. Then, after having two kids it all became too much. Before I learned more about autism I was looking up mom rage. It would come out in small spurts but they were intense. It's gotten a little better over the years but mostly still suppressing. Thank you for the tips on how to channel this in a more healthy way.
About breaking the cycle, there is a therapy called "modal therapy", which is about identifying modes in your psyche and letting them talk, e.g. your inner hurt child, or your happy child, your healthy adult, your punitive adult and so on. In modal therapy, you sit on chairs, impersonating those modes of yourself. Another way to get that insight, that the repression of anger is passed on to your child, is identifying, that this is what your punitive adult mode or others might've done to the child modes, in a try to protect it from emotional and physical harm. Its really eye opening, im glad you had that realization :) it can be really hard to find that middleground between over managing your inner childs emotions, therefore repressing them from feeling it and leaving your child on its own, abandoning it. The approach you name, giving it tools it the best and healthiest option in my opinion, i am proud of you that you have come to this conclusion I'd also love to hear about your relationship to autonomy (havent watched the video fully yet, maybe that is another thing that is also talked about)
repressing anger bc I'm deeply resentful about how others have expressed it in the past and becoming a rational funny monk in how I express myself in anger and around anger is my favorite gender fr
I’m realizing from your story that rage is underneath some of my autistic meltdowns. If I am at the point of sensory overload and then I get angry and then I get non verbal and then I feel guilty about being angry and then I meltdown and start screaming and swearing into a pillow and pounding on the mattress. When you are watching someone do this just say “let it out, your feelings are valid, don’t be afraid because letting it out is going to help you and it’s not hurting me or anyone else …we can put on headphones if needed”.
Wow…. I need to purge my emotions after this one. Like you, I’m a highly sensitive/empathic person who is also autistic. When you were talking about how children are able to better regulate themselves, as we get older we’re brainwashed to think we have to suppress or not express our emotions because it’s “impolite” or “inappropriate”… which it is in some circumstances, but for males at least, we’re conditioned to believe that “boys don’t cry” etc. and we end up repressing our feelings, bottling them up inside. I’ve been working for the past 6 years, ever since my wife left me, to release all the trauma I’ve accumulated in my 57 plus years of existence. I also get the feeling from watching your videos that you’re also an empath and are intuitive… you listen to your higher self. Sometimes we block ourselves off from our higher selves when we bottle up our anger and other painful emotions. Also, after you’ve finished screaming into your pillow and want to go into a meditative calm, check out my piece “Prom Night” on my channel. I also have 1 hour of “green noise” that you can use to block out noise to relax.
i dont know what "woowoo stuff" is but spirituality and psychology are interconnected so i hope people can accept that so we can all come into higher awareness
I also flip into extremely calm mode in conflict like you described and I’ve built resentment towards my partner that he expresses his anger in his tone and body language during arguments. It felt selfish that he wouldn’t also repress what he was feeling and speak without emotion. This video has made me consider my resentment may actually be towards my own emotional blockage and a jealousy of expression.
cried towards the end of listening to it - I also have endo, got diagnosed last year. I've always been the designated level headed, calm person since I was a kid. The chest exercises you mention are heart openers, those make me cry too. I've been feeling so disconnected lately, this was a much needed reminder - made me think about my observation on how nice people at heavy metal concerts seem to be. This also made me think of when Aang was going through the chakras but he refused to release his attachment to Katara. Wishing you the best on your Saturn return 💜.
for me, my aversion to anger sprouted from the times my dad got violent with me and my brother; i felt i didn't wanto to be like him, so i needed to not be angry and now i'm here, 36 yrs old, and still can't tell if i'm angry or just annoyed or what -_- thank you for these words; gives me lots to think about (=
Always identified as an angry person and easily moved to tears (for release), still it's a dysfunctional relationship with anger as I struggle with setting boundaries. Super weird to hear people tell me, that they see me as a calm and relaxed person, as I struggeled to stay calm while upset until some years ago which lead to a lot of built up guilt. Maybe that's what I'm suppressing, my calmness and that's why other people see it more than I do. Very interesting to see the perspective of someone who struggeled to express anger. I occupied myself with psychosomatics quite a lot when I was younger, so I know chronic pain stems from repressed anger. Psychosomatics also helped me release some of my issues and get to know me better. Glad you had those realizations!
I went to therapy when I was young, before I knew I was autistic and my therapist said that I should show my anger, because apparently I didn’t… oh well, now I’m THE ANGRY WOMAN😂
Thank you so much for making this video. Myself and many of my loved ones are neurodivergent and have CPTSD and consequently have a really messed up relationship with anger - whether from repressing it constantly or repressing it and then boiling over and expressing it in unhealthy ways. This has been really helpful and validating. I actually sent it to all my roommates after i got about 20 minutes in. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable and being willing to speak on this earlier than was most comfortable for you. I think this is really something many of us deal with and need to hear. Thank you so much. You're lovely, and I appreciate you. 🖤
You're doing well. Its not easy to let yourself free like that. Should be proud of yourself. I struggle with it myself. I feel like a very emotionally driven person. But to others I don't come across that way. Because I rarely show it. Took me a while to realise that. For me its mainly sadness. I have tried to release anger in constructive ways. But its never fully. I'm always holding back. Its a reflex at this point. I don't like the feeling of losing control.
it's crazy how relatable this new video is. I also realised recently I've been repressing my anger, espcially due to how I was raised and how I had to be the one basically taking care of everyone's needs and emotions, but I'm still not sure how to actually allow myself to feel anger especially because I'm afraid that will escalate situations just by allowing myself to feel such. The odd part for me, is that there's been a couple times when I got told I was too angryl on the few moments I couldn't take it anymore and tried to demand people to respect my boundaries or tell them they need to respect me. However I think this is comom for those who were parentified because people are so used to us being submissive and allowing things most wouldn't that when we tell people that it's not ok and show disaproval they get incredible upset and frustrated with us. I think this might be because people are used to release their frustrations and anger on us because they know we allow a lot and there won't be consequences. Basically people didn't allow us to feel anger when we were growing up and we ended up not allowing us to do such.
No one including myself was diagnosed with autism where I grew up in Arkansas. No one had even heard of autism. Anger from males was socially acceptable and even encouraged and I was able to effectively utilize my anger as fuel to achieve goals such as becoming very good at basketball.
I'm only two minutes in and I'd like to say that, no matter where this video goes, I am glad that you felt inclined to discuss this and follow your intuition- the way you described your abstract thoughts and difficulty with articulating them really resonated with me. I have that problem too, I need a LOT of rumination time to be able to explain something to someone, even if I understand to begin with... thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone! Thought I was just crazy... I am certainly not built like everyone else around me, neurologically speaking... I am working towards getting a diagnosis right now. But as a mid-20s woman the doctors don't really take me seriously, it's frustrating. Anyways thank you for your perspective.
I'm sorry that this is a difficult topic for you to share, but I greatly appreciate that you have. Thank you 💙💙 It sounds like you became the diplomat to ease the situation, to be able to see to your own needs. I think parts of the goal for healthily experiencing anger, can be staying calm like you shared,, in some situations. But also being able to express it, so you can learn where is a good place for you to sit with it. Sometimes it needs to come out, so that you're able to move past it. Sometimes it can also lead to really good things like being able to look for a way to move forwards, understanding each other better, making connections you couldn't see before, from what you've said it could also in some ways be seen as self care and many other things. A little like when a piece of land is crushed through some kind of destruction, then seeing flowers sprout from it in the middle of all of that destruction. ♋ I think kids don't stop to think about whether what they are going to say or do is appropriate, because they haven't learned the ways of being/ restrictions that adults have. They just feel/do/ say whatever is happening for them in that moment and get it out. There's no malice in it, no motive, other than that's what is happening for them
Thank you for this video! There is definitely a connection between the behaviorism that discriminates against dysregulation and the behaviorism autistic people endure. Especially with a housing crisis and more and more crises and disasters taking place daily and continually there’s both nowhere safe to be dysregulated (angry anxious etc) and more and more dysregulating us. Under the current systems of harm, that harm is exasperated by a culture that comparmentalizes dysregulation to specific spaces or times because someone will always lack access to them under the current systems of harm. As an AuDHD social emotional educator, I would say we really need to be supported even when we experience dysregulation in any space while also interrupting harm and injustice. People need deescalation tools. Expressing anger and violence aren’t exactly synonymous though. I always start from a place of remembering any of us can be angry to the point we are violent, cause harm or abuse someone when our values conflict with those around us enough.
I tell people all the time- anger is a human emotion. It’s ok to express it as long as you do not hurt someone else or yourself. That is when it is toxic. You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to say it. ❤ it’s been a long road for me ❤
I have a lot internal anger issues and now I have my autism diagnosis is so crazy knowing that masking has a HUGE part in myself about repressing my emotions and my anxiety and how this clap back bc I feel so resentful about myself not able to standing up for me and my feelings
Stream of consciousness here: I've always been the least regulated person in my home environment, and extremely well regulated in public. I'm extremely good at not expressing anger to anyone present, but I cause my family a fair bit of stress with outbursts at objects, at politics, etc. I also swear like a sailor on the road. I was always the scrawny kid at school, so I almost never express anger other than vocally (I used to get into fisticuffs with my little brother, but eventually he got too good at defending himself). My parents were always very disciplined about physical discipline, any spankings with any kind of force were limited to a pre-announced number of blows and were done bare-handed (so limited in force by the pain tolerance of the parent involved), so we weren't taught to associate anger with impulsive violence.
Irene, you are a legend. Truly, madly, deeply: thank you for this. You have an elegant way of expressing your thoughts while still respecting the vast amounts of processing and self-editing we tend to do. Your story landed close to home, and while I was the oldest son in my scenario, I can absolutely relate to swallowing my anger and holding every knife inward. Let’s hope this apartment has walls sturdy enough for 30+ years of trauma 😜
Literally pausing the video to write this. Been realizing within the past year I'm prob audhd, and recently had a horrible week where I was regressed most days and so, so angry at everything! I resonated so hard with what you just said about holding in your anger and not taking it out on others, but then you suffer silently. I feel I've done that my whole life and so when I was feeling that anger recently it was so loud and violent I didn't know how to deal with it other than scream as loud as I could into a pillow. It was a me who I haven't seen before, and it scared me. I feel like I've somehow lost a connection to my anger, as well as other aspects of my being (my body, my voice) due to masking my whole life. I'll be continuing my healing journey, and thank you for making your videos, they've really helped me learn about my own autism and mental health.
My anger is a quiet disquietude. I mostly seethe in a silent anger. In some cases, my silence was the loudest scream. It would make some people change for the better. Other times, it was like expecting the other person to drink poison. People can make you mad because they are stubborn and stuck in their ways. Perfectionists and know-it-alls bother me, for example. There were many situations when I wanted to not repress my anger, but I stayed neutral or stoic. I thought it better to keep the peace, even when I wasn't at peace. I have rare moments when I speak my mind and exactly get to the point, making sure I'm understood and respected. I always remind myself that people like that are not worth the heart attack. Surround yourself with people, places, and things that don't remind you of or give you anger. Sometimes, you can't avoid people that make you angry. Remember, they don't dictate your day or happiness. You choose that for yourself. Do your best, come home, and move forward. Let them be right (even when they are wrong) and be happy. I don't always re-wild myself, but I keep my younger days of flailing, running, and being goofy close to my heart. I also avoid toxic positivity. Another way I express my anger is by turning it into something productive. My work speaks for itself and I'll never have to yell because of it.
For the past couple weeks, I've been browsing through videos to better myself. This is exactly what I was looking for. I didn't know what I was feeling until I saw the title. Thank you!
Omg! Okay so I'm also autistic. I'm 29 now, but I felt the same way. I never understood anger. I also grew up in an abusive home. I also have chronic pain. I could move through the feeling fo anger to the underlying feeling so quickly. Over time I just realized I was betraying myself by never validating my own emotions because I was so worried about regulating someone else. I'm also spiritual. Spirituality helped me connect to my emotions easier in terms of philosophy. I don't want to argue about it. When I finally unlocked my anger, it was explosive a bit. I didn't go off on people exactly but my boundaries were sort of slammed into place. I ruminate hard as well. But I couldn't regulate my anger at all. My therapist had told me it would come back. It took me a year to regulate my anger. But I think that my relationships are much healthier now that it's balanced. I never got to have anger as a kid. My emotions were never allowed to come out. I married someone who I had to regulate and man.. I'm just much healthier now. I feel likebi had to break so many relationships to rebuild them in a healthy way where I was being respected. And I am so sad about how I let myself be treated because I was strong to be calm. Eventually my anger balanced back out. I do have to be a lot more clear with my genuine emotions. Dancing and breathing exercises help my system the best. I scream sing in my car too and I have playlists for that. And I also workout quite a lot. ☺️ I make art and I write poetry too and that helps process my emotions. Goshhhh. I have lupus. An autoimmune disorder. I got diagnosed at 20 so I can't really say when that happened. We have so much in common. 💀
My brother and father were violent. And my mother threatened to have them have them harm. And I am so sorry, for what you have been through.. 🫂🫂 and yes we are not to be angry when your privacy, your boundaries or belittled, mocked etc. It’s painful. As painful as it I am happy for to start your healing at 28 b/c it’s horrible to only recognizing it later in life like me at 44yrs old.
I think I've been trying to put this into words for months now. It's also really hard to look at something that kept you alive but now is hurting you and shift
I've also found that driving around to scream in my car is the best way to let loose safely. I relate to many of your experiences with somatic self-care and moving through stuck emotions. I commend you on your healing journey!
I am feeling so much clarity right in this second. I am so tired of internalizing other people’s anger and sadness. And being so repressed. I want out! At least I want to declare right now that I am done repressing myself in fa,ily situations and otherwise. In this moment of clarity I am no longer embarrassed or afraid to declare how mistreated and unsupported I have been. , without being afraid of people thinking that I am crazy or that there is something wrong with me. Because there is not anything wrong with me….. unless we are going to make a list of everything wrong with every single person on this planet. But I don’t think like that. N.
i'm so grateful that you uploaded this now and i really hope that it wasn't too overwhelming for you. i've been experiencing incredibly intense anger lately and i've been searching for ways to deal with it without just suppressing it. extremely intense anger is something i've dealt with for my entire life, both in myself and others, and my natural instincts are to (privately) punch, throw, and scream, but i always feel so guilty for allowing myself to express any of that. i am female too and it's definitely connected. but lately i've been feeling called to allowing myself to feel all of the extreme emotions i have without judgement and to let myself healthily get them out however i need to. 12:00 i was literally just journaling about this yesterday. i've become so accustomed to immediately calming myself down and essentially numbing myself throughout my entire life, especially the past several years, that i've become almost entirely unable to utilize the emotions that i feel and take necessary action with them. often the calming is for good reason, because i want to avoid a meltdown or a panic attack, but it's become so constant that any swell of emotion can trigger overwhelm in me. 26:48 and much of what i've been feeling lately is tied to realizing that i'm autistic and rethinking my entire life and everything that lead me to where i am now, and it all really is a long and intense mourning process.
I am genuinely so happy that you had this breakthrough, Irene. I remember watching some of your old videos, when you were stating your opinion on anger and how useless it was and feeling sad for you, because one of the first things I learned when I started practicing mindfulness was that all emotions (good or bad) are valid and serve a purpose and that you can't suppress one of them without also numbing down the others. I ended up with extreme alexithymia due to repressing several emotions but, because I have aphantasia and a memory disorder, I can't process things in the same way as you do. I learned to allow myself to cry when I feel like I need to cry and I've slowly been working to be able to name what emotion I'm feeling, but I'm not able to trace my traumas back to their origin, so it's harder for me to process and heal. But it seemed to really have clicked for you and I'm crossing my fingers that this will have a positive impact and that you can live a more fulfilling life moving forward. We both carry a lot of childhood trauma and you deserve better. Thank you for sharing.
Im late diagnosed AuDHD. I went through the same as I grew up. I was never allowed to express my anger in front of my father. my father used to beat my older brothers up for the things they had done. My mother was not able to protect us. we just had to quietly observe his yelling and beating without saying a single word. I didn't realize now, through therapy, that I haven't been able to know how to express emotions, and when my emotions came out, it was extreme. Didnt know how to release them. Thank you for posting this video!!!
I relate a lot to your experience, except my mom is verbally abusive, and my dad’s the 1 saying not to join in. I’ve been suppressing a lot of angry because it really just felt like a waste when it only hurts people, but now I realize I’ve been unintentionally hurting myself. Thank you for your videos; they make me feel not alone, help me understand my emotions and help me regulate and express them in better ways than before. Also, that reminder at the end to express my emotions that have gathered from this video was really needed. I know that I’m feeling a bunch of sadness with how I relate and my situation, but I forget to express those emotions outwardly. I decided to shake it out a bit, and honestly I should probably do that more. I don’t realize how certain videos affect and how I don’t address those emotions. Thank you! Thank for this safe place and giving me the opportunity to share and relate! I’m so glad you made this video, I love your content, and look forward to future content 🫶
I’ve never related to another person’s experiences as much as I relate to yours. This is my biggest challenge in life as well. I’m a trans woman who went undiagnosed as AuDHD until 30 years old when I was *unofficially* diagnosed by my therapist who is herself diagnosed and focuses on social work for neurodivergent people. The combination of masking my emotions and natural self-expression both as an autistic person and a feminine person was extremely damaging in a way that will take me years to heal. I’m a year and a half into this process and it’s changing everything. I finally understand. And I continue to grow in understanding of what it all is and what it all means.
Also, just starting to watch the video now. Your description of downloads made my jaw drop. That’s exactly how it feels when I’m trying to figure out how to verbalize a complicated thought. It’s like a collection of visuals, memories, and resonances between them that’s almost impossible to articulate unless somebody is sitting with me, letting me work through it verbally for a while.
Oh, goodness, Irene...that's a lot to process and go through. About five years ago, I had a similar but different experience that unlocked something. On my way to deliver some food, I was feeling some _intense_ self-loathing over a missed social opportunity when suddenly...I switched positions. I was on the receiving end of the anger. I kept crying and had much difficulty stopping crying between the two deliveries I had. I was unfortunately no stranger to angry outbursts towards others when dysregulated (still happens at times, but I've seen so much progress in myself), and I could see how it ended up hurting them. I had no idea just how much damage I was doing to myself internalizing my anger...much less how much of my anger was internalized from the traumas I endured or caused. I'm so glad for you that you're growing and learning in this way. Grateful as always for what you've shared. EDIT: Rage rooms are also a thing! They're spaces you rent out to break things in with safety equipment on. I haven't been to one yet, but I really want to someday. EDIT #2: Okay so I clearly didn't watch far enough into the video before putting the first edit 😂
6 minutes into the video, and I HAVE to say this. The way you get emotional and your voice cracks when you talk about yourself, happens to me the same way. I blamed myself for feeling self-pity and victim- mentality when that happened. But really it's just the pain that I never allowed to be expressed. I find a sister-like image in you and I am eternally grateful for all your information and stories you share. 33 and still can't understand why I'm dysfunctional af, but you help. You help me see why. 🙏🙏🙏
I was raised in tourismus and started working @ 14 running Bar & Service... It was horror, no Privacy and everyone needs to keep a perfect facade. The happy Christian family... I ran away @ 16 after one unnoticed suicide attempt. My parents are both neurodiverse and we kids just had to patch so much. Now I understand why and how + how I ended up with yet another AUDHD man in my life but I also still feel that Anger and sadness...expecially as the abuse only stopps when you make them. Screaming since 1 year and finally beeing heard. It made me so ill physically beeing everyones therapist 😢Thank you for sharing so open 🙏
I wanted to share, in case this helps others. I’ve been painting for a couple of years and recently got this strong desire to express myself through illustrative journaling, mapping out some of these overlapping and conflicting parts and wounds. I started with original attachment wounding, walked through all sorts of complex and simple traumatic experiences, placing them on an accurate timeline and highlighting all the opportunities adults had to help me but simply didn’t. All the undiagnosed medical, education and employment, relational woes. The gaslighting and willful ignorance in society. Writing that story in a picture book format through the traumatism survival lens has been painful but helpful expressing some of the anger.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
Growing up with autism, my parents and teachers never allowed me to be angry.
Same. It felt like people didn’t are about the way I felt, and they didn’t understand me. I don’t know about the first part of that, but the sec part is 100% true.
@@Reed5016I was too nice growing up to the point of being naive, I’m careful who I show empathy towards
@@Reed5016 also it sucks being 31 and single since 20. I’m better off dating a woman with autism like myself.
@@millabasset1710Honestly, same. I’m a people pleaser to my core now, and a lot of people take advantage of me.
@@Reed5016I ditched my high school friends recently, I was taken advantage of for years and enabled it. Also it’s telling when you’re the one initiating conversations and the other ones aren’t. I’ve had fake friends flaking on me for several years.
I never allowed myself to b angry- thought I was being selfless by transmuting it into a quiet sadness. It just made me perpetually quietly sad! Here’s to unlearning. 👊
Fist bump!👊
10:10 “I was a parentified child, I not only had to figure out how to take care of myself but in figuring out how to take care of myself I had to take care of my parents in order for me to have a safe space to take care of myself” this hit deep
For me, listening to "angry" music like metal and punk + moving my body (doing high intensity exercise) has always helped. I think listening to metal music in particular taught me that it is ok to be angry, and there are many ways to express it.
Angry music definitely helped me too
My anger is so intense, and scares me so much. I’m getting better at allowing it to be expressed in healthy ways, but repressing it for so long has turned it into something very frightening and unfamiliar.
Yea I get that, but I'd be fine if I could let it out
Same. I experienced very traumatic things last year, making me lose control and lash out and scream, which i never ever did in my life, this made a horrible impact on my physical health, especially my heart. Now im living with constant fear of not being able to control myself and my emotions. I don't even know what to do about it. Because every time I've reacted to my anger, my body got internally hurt in some ways
Same
Yeah I think this has happened to me too! I don't feel like myself.
same omfg
This explains so much! I was forced to mask and repress anger because I was constantly invalidated for my emotions at a certain age range. My anger and sadness was never taken seriously in my teenage years, gaslit by my mother as "becoming psychotic" when she would become explosive and threw things and me screaming to "shut it". I have CPTSD from that... took me another decade before I realized I need to express my anger and defend my right to, especially when there is a wrong being done!
Did we all have the same mother? I swear, this spoke to me. I hope you're healing my friend.
@@saininjthankfully it's been over a decade since those years, she did genuinely love me but it seemed like a ton of stigma and stereotypes she held against me came from the diagnosis I had at the time.
As I got older I'd be told stop acting like a 5yo when I was most likely having a meltdown. I have SO much but it can't get OUT
@@saininjexactly, I fully relate too! I swear we all had the same mother 😄. OP I’m really sorry, I hope you’re feeling a little bit better as you get older ❤
@@saininjexactly, I fully relate too! I swear we all had the same mother 😄. OP I’m really sorry, I hope you feel a little bit better as you get older ❤
Also, depression is anger turned inward. I wasn't allowed to be angry - even frustrated with normal things that anyone would be angry or frustrated about. Its led to a lifetime of depression.
🤯🤯🤯
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” -Buddha
Anger was the #1 family emotion for us.
Wow! That’s great. This Buddha guy knew his stuff.
@@gothboschincarnate3931hate is a very strong word, for someone you have never met or even heard speak. I don't want to diminish your feeling, I don't want need you to reply, I'm hoping to spark ideas to get you to explore your feelings.
Because I used to be really bad at knowing my feelings, and repressing (still working on it), and realised pertained I was misdirecting my anger towards completely external "figureheads/ avatars"
Humans are human, we all get a lot of stuff wrong, that's okay. Doesn't mean any single one of us can't hold wisdom. Doesn't mean getting stuff wrong means someone gets everything wrong.
Hating someone you've never met, is as harmful as loving someone you've never met.
For me it's misdirected emotions about real life interactions because I couldn't express "negative" emotions like anger, pain, grief, fear, sadness, loneliness...or that feeling that no matter my attempts to find answers there were never answers.
For you it could be different, and it could be that this doesn't warrant exploring.
But try trust that I'm writing this comment with good intentions, even though I'm a stranger on the internet
@@gothboschincarnate3931his followers got a lot wrong. Very few ever knew what he was talking about
@gothboschincarnate3931 hey at least you're honest about it
Modern Buddhism is best known for things the buddha never taught. -some scholar
So accurate about women repressing anger and autoimmune diseases. Men struggle with being allowed to show sadness and vulnerability, but women aren't allowed to express boundaries and anger when boundaries have been crossed, because god forbid we're hysterical, etc. Our anger is pathologized when it is something that has gone behind every revolution for women's rights. Anger is a threat to patriarchy. So express! In a healthy way ofc ;).
This guy who had been my friend for a long time started being mean, like condescending and actually hateful. So when he pushed me for the last time, I screamed at him. He goes "You don't have to be so mad about something that happened in HS" bro was talking about me being stalked and harassed by another girl for 4 months. I just don't give a fuck anymore how people are hurt by my anger unless they actually didn't deserve me to be mad at them
Underlying my anger is sadness or anxiety. Expressing it physically or vocally and then crying is normally the only way I release it.
I always say anger is usually sadness in a trench coat
For me, fear is often what underlies anger.
When I was in jr high I learned how to death-growl because I was really into horror movies and death metal. It's great because it engages your vocal cords int the same way singing falsetto does which allow you to ful- force-scream at a low volume.
Ha cool I need to do that
@@quryilsame
Def learning how to do gutterals is an awesome way to let out the full force of a top-of-your-lungs scream but at a volume that can be very acceptable even if you’re around people. I work in a kitchen and I do it all the time. Alongside the noise and volume of the kitchen it just sounds like an annoyed grunt. People will prolly still look at you weird, but not in the same way as screaming out loud will.
BTW, anybody can do it too. You don't have to be some 250lb dude.
"Pisces" by Jinjer
@crankydragon one of my favorites from them!
By repressing and intellectualizing our emotions and ourselves in any and every ways possible. We are washing away our authentic self. We are completely ignoring our intuition and we do pay the price.
We're all on our own path Irene. These break throughs are precious, these moments genuinely make me realize what the meaning of Gratitude is. I'm seriously grateful for this video because even tho I'm on my own journey currently, I found so many nuggets of wisdom in your video.
Thank you so much!!❤
Edit: Working out and blasting music is still my favourite way to process my anger. I've never been so regulated than when I was regularly working out.
Not only did I repress my anger out of fear of hurting others, I also intellectualized it in a not healthy way. Instead of just trying to understand what caused my anger, I systematically told myself out of it by gaslighting myself and minimizing or discrediting the reasons I was angry. Like I convinced myself that it wasn't so bad in order to avoid having to set my boundaries witch was to stressful for me.
I only recently realized that my main compensatory strategy to avoid being perceived negatively was to not let myself think or feel anything other than what I thought I should think or feel. Witch is very messed up.
It took me six years to understand that my job was destroying me because I didn't let myself feel, process or understand my negative emotions. I was told that having a lot of social connexions and helping people was a meaningful way of living that would make good people happy, and so I convinced myself that I loved doing it even thought it was too much socializing for me and then didn't understand why my physical and mental health were falling apart.
I'm going through the exact same things right now (I'm still not sure if I have AuDHD). I have never felt angry until about a year ago when I started therapy, and even then, I didn't know what to do with the feeling, dismissed it, and my issues worsened. It wasn't until about two months ago when I started struggling with derealization and depersonalisation (as a result of ending a very important friendship that turned toxic) that I realised what I have been doing to myself all my life and was finally able to start my healing journey. It's rough. But I'm starting to accept myself and dig into the unpleasant stuff in order to listen to and understand myself better. And it was so healing to me to read your experience and feel understood. Thank you very much for sharing. It feels good to feel less alien.
@@janeangl1423 de realisation/ depersonalisation and dissociation are hard..❤ 🫂 most are due to severe trauma. I hope you are not alone completely by yourself and that you have someone in your life who truly cares about you my friend 💛🙏 thank you for sharing
I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder because of these exact issues. I went from never truly remembering or understanding the feeling of anger to it being the most overwhelming strongest emotion I ever had and I still struggle with managing it till this day. Now I am unable to not allow myself to feel my emotions and express them. Even if I try to suppress my emotions, it’s only a matter of time until I have a meltdown.
DID. Me too. It's so hard. No one ever thought Autism, because DID is all they could see. DID is an extreme form of masking, in my opinion.
Omg yallllll this exact thing happened to me too. I feel not so alone in my experience
@@heatheranne9305yes I think this is highly likely
So much this 💜
The method of expressing my anger that works best for me is having an angry rant. Vocalizing the specific things that are making me angry, especially in the presence of a person who understands that I am just getting it out and that it is not an attack towards them. Having someone who can witness my anger really helps dissipate it. I usually find that I have tons of energy afterwards. Mostly, my anger wants to be heard. Because of this, I am also someone who is happy to listen to someone else's angry rants. It's very cathartic.
As the oldest child in my family I was so concerned with being the peace-maker that I was made to feel like I couldn't let myself feel anything. I was never in sports but I felt a similar sort of release being involved in singing groups and theater growing up. It's been really great to rediscover those creative outlets in adulthood because music has truly always been the main thing that has made me feel seen. ❤
That's true I can kind of express my anger through music even if it is suuuuuuuper repressed. I was parentified by two parents who could not self-regulate so I always had to be the regulator for them and that created a lot of unhealthy patterns.
Wow so much to unpack, you’ve inspired me to go and scream my anger out on my car. 31 years of anger
I do this all the time!
On point Irene. Anger is an emotion just like happiness or sadness. Finding healthy ways to express the anger is key. I've read that monks are at a high risk for diabetes. They found a link between repressing anger and diabetes. So the body really does keep the score. ❤
I grew up as the eldest child/daughter and the family 'mediator' between my divorced parents and younger siblings..... this hits me SO hard, the anger eventually forced it's way out when I completely fell apart mentally as a late teen and developed a serious binge drinking problem and self-harm addiction :(
🙏
Sounds like “fawning” which is usually a survival strategy from trauma. I think some autistics struggle to stop their anger coming out. Personally, anger was the only “negative” emotion I was allowed to express growing up because I was raised in a typical repressed British household. Crying or being sad was absolutely not allowed. So everything would bubble under the surface until it all exploded out in anger. I need to learn how to identify what I’m actually feeling underneath the anger and how to express it instead of anger.
I often feel guilty for expressing anger, and think that "I'm a nice person, I shouldn't get angry at people, that makes them feel bad, and it isn't really their fault." I notice that I'm starting to do that intellectualizing thing, focusing on "Ok, what am I feeling, why am I feeling it, this isn't a good emotion, let's find out where it's coming from and make it stop." I needed the reminder to let it out - this applies to other things too, not just anger! Guilt, shame, anything that I dislike, I tend to repress. Thank you for talking about this.
Yes! It’s useful to acknowledge where the feeling comes from, but it’s not okay to use that acknowledgment to stop feeling it.
I was a super angry kid. Pretty early on, though, I had to teach myself to bury it. I did that for years. I remember the movie Anger Management really stuck with me. I didn't realize how angry I actually was. I kept dissociating for YEARS until a few years back. My wife and I were dating and she told me that I was "watching TV in my head" around my family. I didn't even realize I had been tuned out for so long. This was all before I figured out I was neurodivergent. Here I am at 42, finally being more present in situations.
I really connected with your description of screaming in the car. That's been a huge anger release for me. Tensing up and absolutely going berserk with shouting.
Without anger you become a doormat and are extremely at the mercy of others (ability to stop themselves). My home life was a war zone. I got beaten up regularly, had to watch my sister being hit as well. My anger and stubbornness were the only thing that made me able to hang on for dear life. I've been in chronic fight response for ages. I have no issues with arguments. But I had to work with my rage because a part of me was still stuck on the battlefield fighting for it's life. Reactive and locked in. Like a dog having another in a death grip. Underneath is deep deep powerlessness and grief. Tons and tons of grief. To me it's much easier to 'step into the ring' than go into that. Because it feels like i would just cry for years. And that energy is a lot lower than anger. Anger moves shit. Wild ride eh? Everyone has different layers to feel. Somatic work is great. Some yoga chest opening made me instant cry too. Be sure to be grounded enough so your nervous system can deal. Ps: Oh yeah, I did martial arts for 12 years and boy was I way more chill back then. Planning to get back into it.
It’s so freaky to go your entire life misunderstood and then finally find videos of others speaking on your exact thoughts and connections it’s such a relief off my shoulders but feels like it’s not even real life. To know I’m not the only one who thinks this way has saved my life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences (and all other AuDHD creators) it’s helping people more than you may ever realize.
I just thought the same thing 💛🙏🩵
Repressing the anger has been feeding my depression because it got turned against me. As a teen, it also led to ED issues.
Last year, for the first time I allowed myself to get angry at others and it felt GOOD. It lasted MONTHS because it was years of repressed anger coming out at once and it was so painful to deal with.
this is happening to me right now, as i’m past the point of demonizing anger from family issues. i’m very trigger happy to express it when its deserved, and it’s definitely a learning experience
Don’t let it bottle up. You’re a human being, allow yourself to be angry and express it the moment you feel it, but of course, in a productive way, love you 💛
I highly highly recommend the book On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good by Elise Loehnen. She talks about how this is a struggle for ALL women due to being forced to *not* be angry and most women do not know how to process their anger and it comes out in other ways. Of course, this is wayyyy more for us with asd. When I read the chapter on Wrath, this was the epiphany that I had as well. You're not alone.
This video really helped put things into perspective for me. When I was angry/frustrated/grumpy as a kid my parents told me I was being a brat, and "nobody likes whiners". Or they'd kind of laugh and poke fun at me, like it was silly because I didn't really have anything to be upset about. My whole life I've thought in the back of my head I must be a bad person because I was such a difficult, sensitive, self-centered kid, whereas my older siblings were so polite and quiet at that age. Now it's clearer for me to see that I wasn't bad, I was just a kid struggling to regulate (especially with sensory issues) and my parents didn't understand how to help me. My siblings were simply able to repress more than I could, which damaged them too. And tbh, I'm really fucking angry at my parents. Part of me hates them, even. Which is hard to admit because I'm still stuck in the old survival mechanism of suppressing my anger and trying to please and defend them so that maybe I'll be safe. It feels good to come full circle and welcome that anger, and begin to let go of this shame around it. As an adult, I can finally create the safety for myself that I was always looking for as a kid.
As a grown up woman I still have friends and notice that many people who see anger as something just unhealthy or highly transitory. Being angry helped me tremendously to move away from bad situations and abusive relationships without fear, attachment, resentment or feelings of guilt. Anger helps, it gives you strength and motivates for change, as mentioned in the video. That being said I'm not anger charged and I'm not going around kicking stuff on the street or I am mean to people. No. It's very directed to the situations and / or people who had affected me and it has protected me from those. That energy (that you talk about in the video) is just amazing!
Ugh, my whole life since puberty!!! I was bullied in school, and the anger from that time still haunts me now as a 35 year old. I still haven't released any of it properly, but I find that listening to aggressive music (I'm mainly a metal-head) helps... I discovered that for myself in my teens. One more thing I like to do when feeling intense anger is punching the air while holding a dumb bell in each hand! That or using a rowing machine at the gym. Buuut going to a live metal concert beats all of them :3
I grew up in a veeeery calm family, and anger was a hostile emotion to show, so I repressed it in order to not scaring or upsetting people around me... Even the ones that made me so angry. I became unhealthily calm on the outside and constantly anxious on the inside.
Thank you for talking about this, Irene
As a 28y/o afab previously undiagnosed Au/HD person, I *needed* this. I have never felt more heard by anyone, especially someone who's never met me; the parallels between what you were saying and what I've experienced were almost too much to bear. It feels so obvious now why I'm always in pain, more than anything thank you for giving me ideas and new ways to heal/cope. Take care,
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏾
Yes, thank you for sharing ❤
I'm AuDHD and grew up in a similar environment so this is really relatable. I learned to resent my anger because I automatically associated it with abuse. Thank you for being vulnerable with your story and speaking to the importance of allowing ourselves to feel anger ❤
This one really hit me hard. I have a terrible relationship with my own anger, and I'm only just now struggling to allow myself to ever feel angry, but I've had so many years of dissociating to avoid it that I can't even cry when I need to.
Interestingly, one of the things that I've always turned to without even realizing why (long before I even knew I was AuDHD) is extreme, harsh music. So when I'm extremely disregulated and don't have the tools to cope, listening to death metal at high volume is one of the only things that calms me.
Since becoming aware of it, I have also found some research to support the notion that extreme music can be helpful for people who struggle with emotional processing.
I really have lost count of how many of your videos have made me cry from just feeling connected and understood. I'm in my late 30s and taking this long to realize your autistic truly feels like so much of your life has been stolen.
Re anger: I've spent too many years in toxic home situations, just like you, trying to be calm and quiet. At it's worst it would feel like the fucking sun was inside my chest. I've also done a lot of screaming and crying in my car on the highway. Going on challenging technical hikes is another favorite, though living in the plains makes that less accessible unfortunately...
Another thing I've recently realized I used to deal with everything, anger, my need to stim, escapism etc is GOING TO CONCERTS. I've been to 300+ in my lifetime and just always found them so cathartic. I never questioned it but boy, being able to scream and yell and headbang and go insane in a mosh pit was always just the best feeling in the world for me. Not being able to go to shows COVID era put me in a pretty heavy depressive state.
Anyway! Thank you for your content, it's always appreciated
For those not into astrology, what she is saying about being in her Saturn Return is that she is in a time of learning some very hard lessons.
After getting in touch with my anger, I too now cry every time anything feels intense. Good luck with your journey. It's intense. Maybe we'll meet one day on the other side.
I just started the video but i have been recently diagnosed with autism after being diagnosed with OCD (somatic and existential subtypes) & a dissociative disorder a year and a half ago. My narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex had triggered a lot of mental health issues while also shining light on my autistic traits, which encouraged me to get tested for it. I built up a lot of resentment towards my ex throughout the 2 year relationship and I also witnessed my parents' domestic abuse. All of the childhood and romantic relationship traumas formed my avoidant attachment style and triggered a freeze trauma repsonse. My brain learned to disconnect from my environment and body during stressful periods. However, the DPDR (derealization/depersonalization) symptoms just created more anxiety. I constantly suppressed my emotions and trauma, appearing fine and numb on the outside but I was interally screaming and panicking. It really is unhealthy to keep things bottled up as you mentioned because the harmful stored energy can manifest as physical illnesses, imbalances, and negative projection. I am grateful to come across another autistic person that notices the correlation with autism and dissociation. This topic is rarely discussed. ❤
Does your OCD cause pain I have heds autism ADHD pain is worst symptom
The crying thing has been happening to me recently! All of a sudden, everything has started to make me cry. I remember being scared when it started lol, because even things like car commercials where a mom comes home to her kids after a long day would have me tearing up. I’ve always been told I’m a very emphatic person, loud and memorable, but I think a lot of that came from not knowing what I was feeling and just acting how I thought I was supposed to. Also having zero sense of tonal or volume control 😂. Since ive started to cry very randomly, I’ve been trying to express it to my roommates and friends, but no one else I’ve known seems to understand it. So this video made me feel very seen. It also gave me an explanation for a change in my life which I couldn’t explain, a ‘why’ for my emotional disregulation, which is great because now I feel like I can work on processing it better! So thank you for sharing❤️
I’m only 9 minutes but I wanna say I’m glad you listened to your intuition to talk about this because this is something I really REALLY need to hear and immediately resonated with so thank you 🫶🏾
I have a similar realisation a couple of weeks ago. This is extremely validating, thank you. I'm not sure if I'm able to word it correctly, but I'm trying. I didn't realise I was dissociating for years, it really changed the way I'm expressing myself now. I had a lot of anger in my in my feelings but I'm never able to express it. Instead I was depressed, but I didn't know how to put the way my brain works into words. I didn't know I was autistic until 30 years later. I'm chronically ill. I shut down sometimes, but it's not really what I mean by dissociating constantly - my brain was automatically daydreaming and repeating harmful memories at every chance it got. I wasn't able to focus when I sat down without doing anything, I always was in a different world when I disassociated. I HAD to watch, read, play, do anything in order to distract me from my thoughts but the act of doing this is also me dissociating. It was a symptom. Often I realised I wasn't focusing but I wasn't able to to do anything about it. One day I was in car as a passenger after I have this realisation and I tried to be in the present and I couldn't last for a minute. Not even a minute.
It breaks my heart that my traumas could dig this deeply without me realising it. I thought that this was how everyone with depression felt like. It's no wonder that I'm chronically tired, by brain is working overtime.
Yea I am (have been for idk how long now) stuck in that *always* NEEDING music or anything to tune out my thoughts so I can "focus" on a task
Oh my god. I could have written this except I havent had a realization yet until this video maybe
I have so much repressed anger and frustration. It seemed like all the NT’s around me were able to express that, but not me. I had to be on my best behaviour to be accepted. I realise now that I struggle extremely with setting boundaries - I just don’t, and isolate instead. It feels so lonely living this way. I feel like I don’t have the “right” to express my boundaries because I’m a fundamentally broken person. Sighs.
Dont internalize boundary issue so much often we expect outcomes inconsistent with reality which deepens pain. Most ppl who violate common boundaries, do it systemically and pathological ly, to one degree or some other. I’m saying this to say the presumption is there is an assertion method that will result in your boundary being accepted by others this is wrong. Ppl who are going to violate your boundaries do so bc of there behavioral precedents, become incompatible
NTs?
@ neurotypicals
Audher here as well as Survivor of childhood abuse and currently becoming an Art Therapist. This video essay came at a perfe t moment when I'm writing my current essay on Disenfranchised Grief and it's sibling Anger
As an autistic woman who deals with this exact same issue myself and has been getting close to this realization, I'm so glad and appreciative that you've made the connection and made this video. It should be a gem and vital resource for every autistic woman to watch. It got so bad for me that I spent a year struggling with severe dissociation and have only now come out of it and begun to connect to myself again. Being completely cut off from yourself and from your emotions and life is such a sad way to exist. I've also struggled with self-harm. This video has encouraged me to begin expressing and releasing my anger in safe and healthy ways so that I can make the next step in my personal growth. Thank you so much, truly.
P.S: Funnily enough, I had the exact same experience as you. After an argument with someone where I couldn't regulate myself, I left and as I was driving home I couldn't take it anymore and started screaming and screaming.
Thanks for covering this topic Irene you are always ahead of the curve.
As a clinical mental health counselor I work with clients who are Neurodivergent especially immigrants.
I've noticed women who repressed their anger chronically once they become mothers or reach menopause, the anger is almost uncontrollable.
I love this topic! Very timely for me. 54 yrs of anger repressed into my body and now I have MS. I really need to get a grip on this problem. It's literally destroying me.
Yup, so much learned helplessness and freezing and fawning.
I have so many thoughts! I’m having the same discovery during my Saturn return. I just discovered I have a dissociative disorder (I’ve noticed a lot of audhd people have as well And I suspect it’s bc of the topic of this video + the trauma of no support and maliciously masking) and the first this to come up after somatic therapy was anger. I screamed for a long time the very next day. Once I did that I realized all the pain and tension I was in. I hear you and this video made me feel heard every single part. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I also wanna add we did what we needed to survive- including the suppression.
17:55 I think it's the most complete summary that can be made of the relationships issues of many of us here, and intersects with delay processing, or with problems accepting our own intuition (it's easy to fall into rationalization and ignore bodily sensations)..
I SEE you, I feel you. All of this, my parents were angry, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Never wanting to express anger has been incredibly harmful.
Irene, this video has such perfect timing for me. I feel like all of this is what I’ve wanted to express, but I was worried people would t understand. I remember having the same process recording myself a voice memo. Starting off with my Alexithymia, intellectualization, then inner child work, real rage mixed with sadness, strong emotions in my chest and stomach, and then grieving for my childhood.
I keep catching myself thinking I’ve “gotten over it” because my life continues to move within a routine, but it’s reminders like this that help me to return to those primal emotions and the grieving process.
I relate to this video so hard, there's so many emotions I realized I suppressed because it was a defense mechanism and I've been trying to relearn them again. Anger is one of the hardest ones to feel, since I just never feel angry. Or choose not to, or logic it away, I dunno.
It's so unnatural that it feels like I'm pretending to be angry sometimes. But if I could re teach myself to feel sadness and cry again, I can do this too some day. It helps reminding myself that anger happens when injustice occurs (to yourself or others) and should be used as a motivating tool.
I wish everybody the best of luck on their self discovering journeys. ❤
I like to look at people's faces when they talk but they can't look at me too much because eye contact makes me uncomfortable. I appreciate how much you look away from the camera
This is so relatable. Thanks for this video. I've repressed it a lot all my life. I'm still learning how to use it in productive ways, because I too have internalized it and not used it to remove me from unsafe situations, setting boundaries and just have swallowed it all.
“Maybe I saved so many different people in different situations, but the one person I was not saving and was actually actively harming, was myself.” God damn that hit me so hard and resonate with it so much. Truly have so much to unpack. Thank you so much for helping me find the words to describe how I’ve been feeling for all these years. As a late diagnosed 30 y/o Autistic, your videos have been so helpful ❤
I’m so glad someone is taking about this. I deal with constant anger now and it seems to be linked to stimulation and sensitivities. But no one else has made a video about this. I’m exited to watch!
I’m so happy you listened to your intuition and uploaded this. Just as you said halfway through the video, I also have been really processing memories, learning how to do it emotionally, rather then just logically accepting that they happened. I just finished reading “What my Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo. One of the most profound and validating experiences on CPTSD I’ve read so far. And now this video, seems we’re all going through a major progression and understanding rn. How beautiful.
I recently started a full time job at an elementary school where I work specifically and more intensively with kids who have autism, adhd, or other neuro-divergent proclivities and your content has helped me a lot in my own understanding and in practice ❤
Dude, this is probably my favourite autism related video on this platform. The relatability, the rawness... I love it. This ones gonna be close to my heart
I've repressed anger so much for so long that most of my childhood I thought I was immune to this feeling that plagued everyone else. Then, after having two kids it all became too much. Before I learned more about autism I was looking up mom rage. It would come out in small spurts but they were intense. It's gotten a little better over the years but mostly still suppressing. Thank you for the tips on how to channel this in a more healthy way.
I feel you on this one.
About breaking the cycle, there is a therapy called "modal therapy", which is about identifying modes in your psyche and letting them talk, e.g. your inner hurt child, or your happy child, your healthy adult, your punitive adult and so on. In modal therapy, you sit on chairs, impersonating those modes of yourself. Another way to get that insight, that the repression of anger is passed on to your child, is identifying, that this is what your punitive adult mode or others might've done to the child modes, in a try to protect it from emotional and physical harm. Its really eye opening, im glad you had that realization :)
it can be really hard to find that middleground between over managing your inner childs emotions, therefore repressing them from feeling it and leaving your child on its own, abandoning it. The approach you name, giving it tools it the best and healthiest option in my opinion, i am proud of you that you have come to this conclusion
I'd also love to hear about your relationship to autonomy (havent watched the video fully yet, maybe that is another thing that is also talked about)
repressing anger bc I'm deeply resentful about how others have expressed it in the past and becoming a rational funny monk in how I express myself in anger and around anger is my favorite gender fr
rational funny monk is dead on omg
I’m realizing from your story that rage is underneath some of my autistic meltdowns. If I am at the point of sensory overload and then I get angry and then I get non verbal and then I feel guilty about being angry and then I meltdown and start screaming and swearing into a pillow and pounding on the mattress. When you are watching someone do this just say “let it out, your feelings are valid, don’t be afraid because letting it out is going to help you and it’s not hurting me or anyone else …we can put on headphones if needed”.
Wow…. I need to purge my emotions after this one. Like you, I’m a highly sensitive/empathic person who is also autistic. When you were talking about how children are able to better regulate themselves, as we get older we’re brainwashed to think we have to suppress or not express our emotions because it’s “impolite” or “inappropriate”… which it is in some circumstances, but for males at least, we’re conditioned to believe that “boys don’t cry” etc. and we end up repressing our feelings, bottling them up inside. I’ve been working for the past 6 years, ever since my wife left me, to release all the trauma I’ve accumulated in my 57 plus years of existence.
I also get the feeling from watching your videos that you’re also an empath and are intuitive… you listen to your higher self. Sometimes we block ourselves off from our higher selves when we bottle up our anger and other painful emotions.
Also, after you’ve finished screaming into your pillow and want to go into a meditative calm, check out my piece “Prom Night” on my channel. I also have 1 hour of “green noise” that you can use to block out noise to relax.
i dont know what "woowoo stuff" is but spirituality and psychology are interconnected so i hope people can accept that so we can all come into higher awareness
I also flip into extremely calm mode in conflict like you described and I’ve built resentment towards my partner that he expresses his anger in his tone and body language during arguments. It felt selfish that he wouldn’t also repress what he was feeling and speak without emotion. This video has made me consider my resentment may actually be towards my own emotional blockage and a jealousy of expression.
cried towards the end of listening to it - I also have endo, got diagnosed last year. I've always been the designated level headed, calm person since I was a kid. The chest exercises you mention are heart openers, those make me cry too. I've been feeling so disconnected lately, this was a much needed reminder - made me think about my observation on how nice people at heavy metal concerts seem to be. This also made me think of when Aang was going through the chakras but he refused to release his attachment to Katara. Wishing you the best on your Saturn return 💜.
for me, my aversion to anger sprouted from the times my dad got violent with me and my brother; i felt i didn't wanto to be like him, so i needed to not be angry and now i'm here, 36 yrs old, and still can't tell if i'm angry or just annoyed or what -_-
thank you for these words; gives me lots to think about (=
this resonates a little too much :,)) really appreciate you putting this into words and knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this
Always identified as an angry person and easily moved to tears (for release), still it's a dysfunctional relationship with anger as I struggle with setting boundaries. Super weird to hear people tell me, that they see me as a calm and relaxed person, as I struggeled to stay calm while upset until some years ago which lead to a lot of built up guilt. Maybe that's what I'm suppressing, my calmness and that's why other people see it more than I do.
Very interesting to see the perspective of someone who struggeled to express anger.
I occupied myself with psychosomatics quite a lot when I was younger, so I know chronic pain stems from repressed anger. Psychosomatics also helped me release some of my issues and get to know me better.
Glad you had those realizations!
I went to therapy when I was young, before I knew I was autistic and my therapist said that I should show my anger, because apparently I didn’t… oh well, now I’m THE ANGRY WOMAN😂
Thank you so much for making this video. Myself and many of my loved ones are neurodivergent and have CPTSD and consequently have a really messed up relationship with anger - whether from repressing it constantly or repressing it and then boiling over and expressing it in unhealthy ways. This has been really helpful and validating. I actually sent it to all my roommates after i got about 20 minutes in. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable and being willing to speak on this earlier than was most comfortable for you. I think this is really something many of us deal with and need to hear. Thank you so much. You're lovely, and I appreciate you. 🖤
You're doing well. Its not easy to let yourself free like that. Should be proud of yourself.
I struggle with it myself. I feel like a very emotionally driven person. But to others I don't come across that way.
Because I rarely show it. Took me a while to realise that.
For me its mainly sadness. I have tried to release anger in constructive ways. But its never fully.
I'm always holding back. Its a reflex at this point. I don't like the feeling of losing control.
Don’t know why, but your vid titles are the only titles that always draw me in Irene 🎉
That’s so ironic cause I sit there thinking on these dang titles for so long 😵💫
it's crazy how relatable this new video is. I also realised recently I've been repressing my anger, espcially due to how I was raised and how I had to be the one basically taking care of everyone's needs and emotions, but I'm still not sure how to actually allow myself to feel anger especially because I'm afraid that will escalate situations just by allowing myself to feel such.
The odd part for me, is that there's been a couple times when I got told I was too angryl on the few moments I couldn't take it anymore and tried to demand people to respect my boundaries or tell them they need to respect me. However I think this is comom for those who were parentified because people are so used to us being submissive and allowing things most wouldn't that when we tell people that it's not ok and show disaproval they get incredible upset and frustrated with us. I think this might be because people are used to release their frustrations and anger on us because they know we allow a lot and there won't be consequences. Basically people didn't allow us to feel anger when we were growing up and we ended up not allowing us to do such.
No one including myself was diagnosed with autism where I grew up in Arkansas. No one had even heard of autism. Anger from males was socially acceptable and even encouraged and I was able to effectively utilize my anger as fuel to achieve goals such as becoming very good at basketball.
I'm only two minutes in and I'd like to say that, no matter where this video goes, I am glad that you felt inclined to discuss this and follow your intuition- the way you described your abstract thoughts and difficulty with articulating them really resonated with me. I have that problem too, I need a LOT of rumination time to be able to explain something to someone, even if I understand to begin with... thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone! Thought I was just crazy... I am certainly not built like everyone else around me, neurologically speaking... I am working towards getting a diagnosis right now. But as a mid-20s woman the doctors don't really take me seriously, it's frustrating. Anyways thank you for your perspective.
I'm sorry that this is a difficult topic for you to share, but I greatly appreciate that you have. Thank you 💙💙
It sounds like you became the diplomat to ease the situation, to be able to see to your own needs.
I think parts of the goal for healthily experiencing anger, can be staying calm like you shared,, in some situations. But also being able to express it, so you can learn where is a good place for you to sit with it. Sometimes it needs to come out, so that you're able to move past it. Sometimes it can also lead to really good things like being able to look for a way to move forwards, understanding each other better, making connections you couldn't see before, from what you've said it could also in some ways be seen as self care and many other things.
A little like when a piece of land is crushed through some kind of destruction, then seeing flowers sprout from it in the middle of all of that destruction.
♋
I think kids don't stop to think about whether what they are going to say or do is appropriate, because they haven't learned the ways of being/ restrictions that adults have. They just feel/do/ say whatever is happening for them in that moment and get it out. There's no malice in it, no motive, other than that's what is happening for them
Thank you for this video! There is definitely a connection between the behaviorism that discriminates against dysregulation and the behaviorism autistic people endure. Especially with a housing crisis and more and more crises and disasters taking place daily and continually there’s both nowhere safe to be dysregulated (angry anxious etc) and more and more dysregulating us. Under the current systems of harm, that harm is exasperated by a culture that comparmentalizes dysregulation to specific spaces or times because someone will always lack access to them under the current systems of harm.
As an AuDHD social emotional educator, I would say we really need to be supported even when we experience dysregulation in any space while also interrupting harm and injustice. People need deescalation tools. Expressing anger and violence aren’t exactly synonymous though. I always start from a place of remembering any of us can be angry to the point we are violent, cause harm or abuse someone when our values conflict with those around us enough.
I tell people all the time- anger is a human emotion. It’s ok to express it as long as you do not hurt someone else or yourself. That is when it is toxic. You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to say it. ❤ it’s been a long road for me ❤
If you live with someone who has huge triggers over anger expression this condition is never really cleared. Have to find other outlets.
I have a lot internal anger issues and now I have my autism diagnosis is so crazy knowing that masking has a HUGE part in myself about repressing my emotions and my anxiety and how this clap back bc I feel so resentful about myself not able to standing up for me and my feelings
Stream of consciousness here: I've always been the least regulated person in my home environment, and extremely well regulated in public. I'm extremely good at not expressing anger to anyone present, but I cause my family a fair bit of stress with outbursts at objects, at politics, etc. I also swear like a sailor on the road. I was always the scrawny kid at school, so I almost never express anger other than vocally (I used to get into fisticuffs with my little brother, but eventually he got too good at defending himself). My parents were always very disciplined about physical discipline, any spankings with any kind of force were limited to a pre-announced number of blows and were done bare-handed (so limited in force by the pain tolerance of the parent involved), so we weren't taught to associate anger with impulsive violence.
Irene, you are a legend. Truly, madly, deeply: thank you for this. You have an elegant way of expressing your thoughts while still respecting the vast amounts of processing and self-editing we tend to do. Your story landed close to home, and while I was the oldest son in my scenario, I can absolutely relate to swallowing my anger and holding every knife inward. Let’s hope this apartment has walls sturdy enough for 30+ years of trauma 😜
Literally pausing the video to write this. Been realizing within the past year I'm prob audhd, and recently had a horrible week where I was regressed most days and so, so angry at everything! I resonated so hard with what you just said about holding in your anger and not taking it out on others, but then you suffer silently. I feel I've done that my whole life and so when I was feeling that anger recently it was so loud and violent I didn't know how to deal with it other than scream as loud as I could into a pillow. It was a me who I haven't seen before, and it scared me. I feel like I've somehow lost a connection to my anger, as well as other aspects of my being (my body, my voice) due to masking my whole life. I'll be continuing my healing journey, and thank you for making your videos, they've really helped me learn about my own autism and mental health.
My anger is a quiet disquietude. I mostly seethe in a silent anger. In some cases, my silence was the loudest scream. It would make some people change for the better. Other times, it was like expecting the other person to drink poison. People can make you mad because they are stubborn and stuck in their ways. Perfectionists and know-it-alls bother me, for example. There were many situations when I wanted to not repress my anger, but I stayed neutral or stoic. I thought it better to keep the peace, even when I wasn't at peace. I have rare moments when I speak my mind and exactly get to the point, making sure I'm understood and respected.
I always remind myself that people like that are not worth the heart attack. Surround yourself with people, places, and things that don't remind you of or give you anger.
Sometimes, you can't avoid people that make you angry. Remember, they don't dictate your day or happiness. You choose that for yourself.
Do your best, come home, and move forward.
Let them be right (even when they are wrong) and be happy.
I don't always re-wild myself, but I keep my younger days of flailing, running, and being goofy close to my heart. I also avoid toxic positivity.
Another way I express my anger is by turning it into something productive. My work speaks for itself and I'll never have to yell because of it.
For the past couple weeks, I've been browsing through videos to better myself. This is exactly what I was looking for. I didn't know what I was feeling until I saw the title. Thank you!
Omg! Okay so I'm also autistic. I'm 29 now, but I felt the same way. I never understood anger. I also grew up in an abusive home. I also have chronic pain. I could move through the feeling fo anger to the underlying feeling so quickly. Over time I just realized I was betraying myself by never validating my own emotions because I was so worried about regulating someone else. I'm also spiritual. Spirituality helped me connect to my emotions easier in terms of philosophy. I don't want to argue about it. When I finally unlocked my anger, it was explosive a bit. I didn't go off on people exactly but my boundaries were sort of slammed into place. I ruminate hard as well. But I couldn't regulate my anger at all. My therapist had told me it would come back. It took me a year to regulate my anger. But I think that my relationships are much healthier now that it's balanced. I never got to have anger as a kid. My emotions were never allowed to come out. I married someone who I had to regulate and man.. I'm just much healthier now. I feel likebi had to break so many relationships to rebuild them in a healthy way where I was being respected. And I am so sad about how I let myself be treated because I was strong to be calm. Eventually my anger balanced back out. I do have to be a lot more clear with my genuine emotions. Dancing and breathing exercises help my system the best. I scream sing in my car too and I have playlists for that. And I also workout quite a lot. ☺️ I make art and I write poetry too and that helps process my emotions. Goshhhh. I have lupus. An autoimmune disorder. I got diagnosed at 20 so I can't really say when that happened. We have so much in common. 💀
6:35 THIS!!! And then immediately followed with how that anger turned inward is so painful and harmful god DAMN I’m learning so much now
My brother and father were violent. And my mother threatened to have them have them harm.
And I am so sorry, for what you have been through..
🫂🫂
and yes we are not to be angry when your privacy, your boundaries or belittled, mocked etc.
It’s painful.
As painful as it I am happy for to start your healing at 28 b/c it’s horrible to only recognizing it later in life like me at 44yrs old.
I think I've been trying to put this into words for months now. It's also really hard to look at something that kept you alive but now is hurting you and shift
I've also found that driving around to scream in my car is the best way to let loose safely. I relate to many of your experiences with somatic self-care and moving through stuck emotions. I commend you on your healing journey!
I am feeling so much clarity right in this second. I am so tired of internalizing other people’s anger and sadness. And being so repressed. I want out! At least I want to declare right now that I am done repressing myself in fa,ily situations and otherwise. In this moment of clarity I am no longer embarrassed or afraid to declare how mistreated and unsupported I have been. , without being afraid of people thinking that I am crazy or that there is something wrong with me. Because there is not anything wrong with me….. unless we are going to make a list of everything wrong with every single person on this planet. But I don’t think like that. N.
i'm so grateful that you uploaded this now and i really hope that it wasn't too overwhelming for you. i've been experiencing incredibly intense anger lately and i've been searching for ways to deal with it without just suppressing it. extremely intense anger is something i've dealt with for my entire life, both in myself and others, and my natural instincts are to (privately) punch, throw, and scream, but i always feel so guilty for allowing myself to express any of that. i am female too and it's definitely connected. but lately i've been feeling called to allowing myself to feel all of the extreme emotions i have without judgement and to let myself healthily get them out however i need to.
12:00 i was literally just journaling about this yesterday. i've become so accustomed to immediately calming myself down and essentially numbing myself throughout my entire life, especially the past several years, that i've become almost entirely unable to utilize the emotions that i feel and take necessary action with them. often the calming is for good reason, because i want to avoid a meltdown or a panic attack, but it's become so constant that any swell of emotion can trigger overwhelm in me. 26:48 and much of what i've been feeling lately is tied to realizing that i'm autistic and rethinking my entire life and everything that lead me to where i am now, and it all really is a long and intense mourning process.
Be strong Irene. The first Saturn return is absolutely harsh but you can do it.
I am genuinely so happy that you had this breakthrough, Irene. I remember watching some of your old videos, when you were stating your opinion on anger and how useless it was and feeling sad for you, because one of the first things I learned when I started practicing mindfulness was that all emotions (good or bad) are valid and serve a purpose and that you can't suppress one of them without also numbing down the others. I ended up with extreme alexithymia due to repressing several emotions but, because I have aphantasia and a memory disorder, I can't process things in the same way as you do. I learned to allow myself to cry when I feel like I need to cry and I've slowly been working to be able to name what emotion I'm feeling, but I'm not able to trace my traumas back to their origin, so it's harder for me to process and heal. But it seemed to really have clicked for you and I'm crossing my fingers that this will have a positive impact and that you can live a more fulfilling life moving forward. We both carry a lot of childhood trauma and you deserve better. Thank you for sharing.
Im late diagnosed AuDHD.
I went through the same as I grew up. I was never allowed to express my anger in front of my father. my father used to beat my older brothers up for the things they had done. My mother was not able to protect us. we just had to quietly observe his yelling and beating without saying a single word.
I didn't realize now, through therapy, that I haven't been able to know how to express emotions, and when my emotions came out, it was extreme. Didnt know how to release them.
Thank you for posting this video!!!
I relate a lot to your experience, except my mom is verbally abusive, and my dad’s the 1 saying not to join in. I’ve been suppressing a lot of angry because it really just felt like a waste when it only hurts people, but now I realize I’ve been unintentionally hurting myself. Thank you for your videos; they make me feel not alone, help me understand my emotions and help me regulate and express them in better ways than before.
Also, that reminder at the end to express my emotions that have gathered from this video was really needed. I know that I’m feeling a bunch of sadness with how I relate and my situation, but I forget to express those emotions outwardly. I decided to shake it out a bit, and honestly I should probably do that more. I don’t realize how certain videos affect and how I don’t address those emotions. Thank you! Thank for this safe place and giving me the opportunity to share and relate! I’m so glad you made this video, I love your content, and look forward to future content 🫶
I’ve never related to another person’s experiences as much as I relate to yours. This is my biggest challenge in life as well. I’m a trans woman who went undiagnosed as AuDHD until 30 years old when I was *unofficially* diagnosed by my therapist who is herself diagnosed and focuses on social work for neurodivergent people. The combination of masking my emotions and natural self-expression both as an autistic person and a feminine person was extremely damaging in a way that will take me years to heal. I’m a year and a half into this process and it’s changing everything. I finally understand. And I continue to grow in understanding of what it all is and what it all means.
Also, just starting to watch the video now. Your description of downloads made my jaw drop. That’s exactly how it feels when I’m trying to figure out how to verbalize a complicated thought. It’s like a collection of visuals, memories, and resonances between them that’s almost impossible to articulate unless somebody is sitting with me, letting me work through it verbally for a while.
Oh, goodness, Irene...that's a lot to process and go through.
About five years ago, I had a similar but different experience that unlocked something. On my way to deliver some food, I was feeling some _intense_ self-loathing over a missed social opportunity when suddenly...I switched positions. I was on the receiving end of the anger. I kept crying and had much difficulty stopping crying between the two deliveries I had.
I was unfortunately no stranger to angry outbursts towards others when dysregulated (still happens at times, but I've seen so much progress in myself), and I could see how it ended up hurting them. I had no idea just how much damage I was doing to myself internalizing my anger...much less how much of my anger was internalized from the traumas I endured or caused.
I'm so glad for you that you're growing and learning in this way. Grateful as always for what you've shared.
EDIT: Rage rooms are also a thing! They're spaces you rent out to break things in with safety equipment on. I haven't been to one yet, but I really want to someday.
EDIT #2: Okay so I clearly didn't watch far enough into the video before putting the first edit 😂
6 minutes into the video, and I HAVE to say this. The way you get emotional and your voice cracks when you talk about yourself, happens to me the same way. I blamed myself for feeling self-pity and victim- mentality when that happened. But really it's just the pain that I never allowed to be expressed. I find a sister-like image in you and I am eternally grateful for all your information and stories you share. 33 and still can't understand why I'm dysfunctional af, but you help. You help me see why. 🙏🙏🙏
I was raised in tourismus and started working @ 14 running Bar & Service... It was horror, no Privacy and everyone needs to keep a perfect facade. The happy Christian family... I ran away @ 16 after one unnoticed suicide attempt. My parents are both neurodiverse and we kids just had to patch so much. Now I understand why and how + how I ended up with yet another AUDHD man in my life but I also still feel that Anger and sadness...expecially as the abuse only stopps when you make them. Screaming since 1 year and finally beeing heard. It made me so ill physically beeing everyones therapist 😢Thank you for sharing so open 🙏
I wanted to share, in case this helps others. I’ve been painting for a couple of years and recently got this strong desire to express myself through illustrative journaling, mapping out some of these overlapping and conflicting parts and wounds. I started with original attachment wounding, walked through all sorts of complex and simple traumatic experiences, placing them on an accurate timeline and highlighting all the opportunities adults had to help me but simply didn’t. All the undiagnosed medical, education and employment, relational woes. The gaslighting and willful ignorance in society. Writing that story in a picture book format through the traumatism survival lens has been painful but helpful expressing some of the anger.