As a passive person, I think the issue with being more assertive is the "what if" stories you write in your head after you think of the assertive thing you plan on saying. Taking the grocery store example, what if they ignore me, what if they tell me to stop telling them how to do their jobs, what if they just don't care, etc. It just seems anxiety inducing.
Yes, definitely. Anxiety prevents us from communicating assertively, for sure! It also prevents us from having good boundaries.( Which is why these things are all connected!) Some of my anxiety videos or ones on boundaries might be helpful... two possibilities: .. ruclips.net/video/dRsq2Nj2o98/видео.html ruclips.net/video/I86_p0Nt0eE/видео.html
I did IT exactly as you mentioned it. (Before I saw this video). And I asked this person, If she could Put head phones on at night. Instead of lustening loud music past 22:00 o clock at night. I got freaking unfriendly response. It needed about two years, and me getting angry later in that case, that she changed it. And after another person that was visiting me, sad in a floor conversation, where she crossed us, that at ten PM it's nightsilence time, she changed it. Why are there so freaking people? She is a tgerapist and should know better.
@verena9085 One's place in social hierarchy is written all over us and those with social hierarchy detectors can read it instantly. Thats how the same request coming from 2 different people will get different responses.
I'm a very large black man. I'm not allowed to get angry. When i get LOOK angry, people call the police. When i get assertive, they definitely call the police. i can't even imagine getting aggressive. There isn't a such thing as a safe place for me.
I was more assertive as a kid however as I grew up I came to understand that being assertive is equated with aggression in my culture, so I learned to keep quiet. Being an African woman with traditional parents limits your chances of self-expression, you might be punished severely for speaking your mind, so you learn that seething or being passive-aggressive is the only way to deal with it.
I grew up with a brother with special needs; my son has special needs. It is no surprise that I have the negative core belief of: “I am not allowed to have needs, wants, and desires.” Having needs has made me feel guilty (and angry, which I have repressed) for being needy, and so I’ve engaged in a lot of self-sacrificing behavior over the years. Thank you for such a helpful video. I will be working on assertive communication and setting boundaries!😊
in my case i started to represses my anger because the times i got angry as a child i was brutal and violent, im scared to be angry now that i am an adult
I learned recently that I have a lot of repressed anger. I sort of always knew it, but at the same time saw it as a good thing, because (as you rightly said) I grew up in a household where anger = danger. It has been coming more and more to the surface , and I am trying to figure out how to get it under control in a healthy way, (I'm 2 meters tall and big, and I have accidentally scared people just laughing, and I don't like people being scared of me, it really sucks). But I don't know where to start, it feels like it is stuck, I've tried yelling into pillows, hitting pillows (and sometimes something harder Ouch), I feel like it is directly connected with an enormous amount of sadness, but I can't cry, I've only cried 5-10 times in my 37 years here. I need something practical to do, i feel lost!
I'm so sorry you feel this way ❤ Anger and sadness seem to be intertwined, and it must be difficult to know how to express those feelings safely. It's good you're aware tho, and maybe some counseling, or just talking things over with a trusted friend would help? Hope things look brighter for you soon.
This is so underestimated. When I bring out my suppresed anger to the surface, I automatically start to feel my desires and start to be willing to live again. And when allowing myself to confront other people I see that they actually respond with respect. Yes, conflicts happen. But they're only scary at the beginning, and after you feel that tension with another person has disappeared. There's nothing good in being passive.
Thank you very much! Yes! I tend to have a passive approach in front of abusive people... when the conflict is within the family. But I am working on it. I love your videos.
Single women who assert themselves are often thought of as too aggressive even though our male counterparts are equally assertive or even more aggressive than we are. I also think there are significant cultural differences with anger expression. My parents are from back East (US) and in some locations aggression is much more the cultural norm than in laid back western coastal communities. There are people that get really bent out of shape if you are assertive with them when necessary. Like I said, especially as a woman. We have to be really careful unfortunately.
I’m in the middle of recovery from a stroke. It didn’t help that my “family” made the whole thing about themselves and how THEY feel, all the while doing their best to make my condition even worse under the guise of being “a loving family” (you know, narcissistic stuff). My adopted family (my wife, the step-children, even my mother-in-law) treated me WAY better while I was receiving treatment/recovering from my event. I have since tried to learn to let the past go. It won’t come back and there’s nothing I can do to bring it back to change it in some manner. There was a lot of pent up anger in my past. It’s a hard process and I fail repeatedly but I try, if only for my own health.
Religion does this to us too. From the admonishment to turn the other cheek to the requirement that we forgive all and that we are not allowed to complain, any anger, even discontent, is internalized as selfishness and sinfulness.
Ugh, I thought I had outgrown this. My mother treats me differently from my siblings. She kinda tricked me into moving into her rental which is close to her so I could take care of her. (She’s almost 90 and YES, I pay ridiculous rent.) I mostly don’t regret the sacrifices I made to do this. I really am the best person to take care of her. It’s the times when she’s really unfair or downright mean. My siblings used to take her side all the times when she badmouths me. So I had a private conversation with them. Now they see what she does. I know, she’s old and not going to change. But now my siblings at least give me more support. They are her favorite people in the whole world! But they never have been asked to make sacrifices for her. It’s always been me. I’m not bitter but it’s a struggle not to be at times. Even as a little kid I was happy go lucky, neglect and all, I found my own way. I try to be that way now at 63. I know she will die some day and I couldn’t live with myself if I abandoned her. At my age though I need to figure out where I’ll go after this. Selling my house in 2018 was a huge mistake because I’ll never be able to buy another house. My brother will inherit the house I live in now. Hopefully he’ll rent it to me. 💀 I don’t want my kids to have to take me in. I’m sure things will work out alright.
I belong to the group who really seem to feel anger in a lot of situations where others seem to feel it. I remember situations like the one you described vividly as my ex husband used to regularly get upset at lines and I just thought 'what did he expect at this time of the day?'. And if I was stressed I would apologize to the person behind me for not letting them get before me because I had children out in the car.
I don't know if what I feel is repressed anger or just sure fire frustration BUT there is this person who will not accept a few of my boundaries but he still comes over. What I feel is this dread, like OMG here we go AGAIN, so when he leaves I just want to get my rifle, run into the woods and get as many squirrels as I can. Or jump on my bike and go up hill as hard as I can until I am completely wore out...and if not do it again until I AM!!!! Or cut some trees down, push mow the pasture with its waste-high grass!!!! What ever I say, each day is a new beginning for him with no carry over. I listened to your video concerning vulnerable narcissists and I see it in him and it hasn't gotten any better now that he is elderly and forgetful and doesn't feel good most of the time and claims to like my company 😵💫🤯. I enjoyed the video.
Super video. Very clear and helpful. I think the supermarket example is very illustrative of the principles. And I laughed out loud at some of the example utterances that we will all live to regret. 😆 But seriously, I wish we would learn this in school. If one has parents with emotional problems it is not modeled to a young person. Better late than never to learn. A precious diamond of self awareness. 🤗💝💎✨
Thanks so much for your kind remarks and I’m so pleased this resonated! I agree that “emotional intelligence” should be taught in schools! There are a few organizations doing that..
I've started watching a lot of your videos lately and this one really resonates with me, it sounds like what you're saying is: Being assertive = finding the logic in the situation. The examples you gave with the grocery store and the co-worker listening to music, they sound like simply using logic. Thank you for this, because assertiveness to me felt like trying to hit a target the size of a pin-head, with a dart the size of a cruise missile. If you could dive a little deeper into this, how do I deal with people who see me as inferior to them so they're not going to honor my assertiveness even if it is logical?
You have to be careful with the word “logic.” In therapy, there’s logic mind, emotional mind, and wise mind. The healthiest place is not in a logical place or an emotional place, it’s in a “wise” place where we’re in tune with our emotions while letting ourselves use some logic.
I just found her video on ruminating and a couple of anxiety episodes. I felt that I could use a couple of things pointed out. Yet I’m hoping to find some more detailed information on intrusive thoughts particularly harmful thoughts. Are there any videos that I might be missing?
Ok but the reason why so many people are angry is because they try being honest and assertive and the person ignores that. OR people blatantly ignore obvous basic social etiquette or basic decency. Thats whats happening. Thats my experience and what i saw other people experiencing in anger management geoup therapy. I saw women treating their husbands like children, coworkers stealing, family members gaslighting and none of the people in there werent assertive, they were just ignored and gaslit.
Grown as a very short tempered boy in teen age handling the anger very much accepting abd holding it to avoid any wrongs after a while i stopped feeling angry I just want to ask that after repressing a lot of anger i just dont feel it even after some one hitting me i hardly show any rageful emotions kinldy help
What do you do, when you said it friendly and aked for that they don't it different. So you were gentle, but get back a bad response and even after another friendly try, it's getting ignored. What do you do then?
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As a passive person, I think the issue with being more assertive is the "what if" stories you write in your head after you think of the assertive thing you plan on saying. Taking the grocery store example, what if they ignore me, what if they tell me to stop telling them how to do their jobs, what if they just don't care, etc. It just seems anxiety inducing.
Yes, definitely. Anxiety prevents us from communicating assertively, for sure! It also prevents us from having good boundaries.( Which is why these things are all connected!) Some of my anxiety videos or ones on boundaries might be helpful... two possibilities: ..
ruclips.net/video/dRsq2Nj2o98/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/I86_p0Nt0eE/видео.html
I did IT exactly as you mentioned it. (Before I saw this video). And I asked this person, If she could Put head phones on at night. Instead of lustening loud music past 22:00 o clock at night.
I got freaking unfriendly response. It needed about two years, and me getting angry later in that case, that she changed it. And after another person that was visiting me, sad in a floor conversation, where she crossed us, that at ten PM it's nightsilence time, she changed it.
Why are there so freaking people? She is a tgerapist and should know better.
@verena9085 One's place in social hierarchy is written all over us and those with social hierarchy detectors can read it instantly. Thats how the same request coming from 2 different people will get different responses.
I'm a very large black man. I'm not allowed to get angry. When i get LOOK angry, people call the police. When i get assertive, they definitely call the police. i can't even imagine getting aggressive. There isn't a such thing as a safe place for me.
Are you angry with strangers?
@@SusanaXpeace2u Of course not. If i was, I'd be arrested.
I was more assertive as a kid however as I grew up I came to understand that being assertive is equated with aggression in my culture, so I learned to keep quiet. Being an African woman with traditional parents limits your chances of self-expression, you might be punished severely for speaking your mind, so you learn that seething or being passive-aggressive is the only way to deal with it.
I grew up with a brother with special needs; my son has special needs. It is no surprise that I have the negative core belief of: “I am not allowed to have needs, wants, and desires.” Having needs has made me feel guilty (and angry, which I have repressed) for being needy, and so I’ve engaged in a lot of self-sacrificing behavior over the years. Thank you for such a helpful video. I will be working on assertive communication and setting boundaries!😊
Wow, yes, that is a lot. So wonderful that you are making progress and beginning to care for yourself as well as others! :)
in my case i started to represses my anger because the times i got angry as a child i was brutal and violent, im scared to be angry now that i am an adult
A friend of mine has repressed anger and he gets agitated over very minor things.
I learned recently that I have a lot of repressed anger. I sort of always knew it, but at the same time saw it as a good thing, because (as you rightly said) I grew up in a household where anger = danger.
It has been coming more and more to the surface , and I am trying to figure out how to get it under control in a healthy way, (I'm 2 meters tall and big, and I have accidentally scared people just laughing, and I don't like people being scared of me, it really sucks). But I don't know where to start, it feels like it is stuck, I've tried yelling into pillows, hitting pillows (and sometimes something harder Ouch), I feel like it is directly connected with an enormous amount of sadness, but I can't cry, I've only cried 5-10 times in my 37 years here.
I need something practical to do, i feel lost!
I'm so sorry you feel this way ❤ Anger and sadness seem to be intertwined, and it must be difficult to know how to express those feelings safely. It's good you're aware tho, and maybe some counseling, or just talking things over with a trusted friend would help? Hope things look brighter for you soon.
This is so underestimated. When I bring out my suppresed anger to the surface, I automatically start to feel my desires and start to be willing to live again. And when allowing myself to confront other people I see that they actually respond with respect. Yes, conflicts happen. But they're only scary at the beginning, and after you feel that tension with another person has disappeared.
There's nothing good in being passive.
Thank you very much! Yes! I tend to have a passive approach in front of abusive people... when the conflict is within the family. But I am working on it. I love your videos.
So pleased the videos are resonating with you!
@@BarbaraHeffernan 🧡💚💛💙💜
Single women who assert themselves are often thought of as too aggressive even though our male counterparts are equally assertive or even more aggressive than we are. I also think there are significant cultural differences with anger expression. My parents are from back East (US) and in some locations aggression is much more the cultural norm than in laid back western coastal communities. There are people that get really bent out of shape if you are assertive with them when necessary. Like I said, especially as a woman. We have to be really careful unfortunately.
I’m in the middle of recovery from a stroke. It didn’t help that my “family” made the whole thing about themselves and how THEY feel, all the while doing their best to make my condition even worse under the guise of being “a loving family” (you know, narcissistic stuff).
My adopted family (my wife, the step-children, even my mother-in-law) treated me WAY better while I was receiving treatment/recovering from my event.
I have since tried to learn to let the past go. It won’t come back and there’s nothing I can do to bring it back to change it in some manner. There was a lot of pent up anger in my past.
It’s a hard process and I fail repeatedly but I try, if only for my own health.
Religion does this to us too. From the admonishment to turn the other cheek to the requirement that we forgive all and that we are not allowed to complain, any anger, even discontent, is internalized as selfishness and sinfulness.
Ugh, I thought I had outgrown this. My mother treats me differently from my siblings. She kinda tricked me into moving into her rental which is close to her so I could take care of her. (She’s almost 90 and YES, I pay ridiculous rent.) I mostly don’t regret the sacrifices I made to do this. I really am the best person to take care of her. It’s the times when she’s really unfair or downright mean. My siblings used to take her side all the times when she badmouths me. So I had a private conversation with them. Now they see what she does. I know, she’s old and not going to change. But now my siblings at least give me more support. They are her favorite people in the whole world! But they never have been asked to make sacrifices for her. It’s always been me. I’m not bitter but it’s a struggle not to be at times. Even as a little kid I was happy go lucky, neglect and all, I found my own way. I try to be that way now at 63. I know she will die some day and I couldn’t live with myself if I abandoned her. At my age though I need to figure out where I’ll go after this. Selling my house in 2018 was a huge mistake because I’ll never be able to buy another house. My brother will inherit the house I live in now. Hopefully he’ll rent it to me. 💀 I don’t want my kids to have to take me in. I’m sure things will work out alright.
I belong to the group who really seem to feel anger in a lot of situations where others seem to feel it. I remember situations like the one you described vividly as my ex husband used to regularly get upset at lines and I just thought 'what did he expect at this time of the day?'. And if I was stressed I would apologize to the person behind me for not letting them get before me because I had children out in the car.
I found myself nodding my head in agreement during this entire video. Thank you!
How do you handle people who believe your assertive speech is attacking them when you are asserting your boundaries?
I don't know if what I feel is repressed anger or just sure fire frustration BUT there is this person who will not accept a few of my boundaries but he still comes over. What I feel is this dread, like OMG here we go AGAIN, so when he leaves I just want to get my rifle, run into the woods and get as many squirrels as I can. Or jump on my bike and go up hill as hard as I can until I am completely wore out...and if not do it again until I AM!!!! Or cut some trees down, push mow the pasture with its waste-high grass!!!! What ever I say, each day is a new beginning for him with no carry over. I listened to your video concerning vulnerable narcissists and I see it in him and it hasn't gotten any better now that he is elderly and forgetful and doesn't feel good most of the time and claims to like my company 😵💫🤯. I enjoyed the video.
I learnt from a psychology video, that
to get what you want say, "please do this" vs
"can you do this?"
Thats assertive.
Thanks for another great video!
You are welcome Graham 😀
Super video. Very clear and helpful. I think the supermarket example is very illustrative of the principles. And I laughed out loud at some of the example utterances that we will all live to regret. 😆 But seriously, I wish we would learn this in school. If one has parents with emotional problems it is not modeled to a young person. Better late than never to learn. A precious diamond of self awareness. 🤗💝💎✨
Thanks so much for your kind remarks and I’m so pleased this resonated! I agree that “emotional intelligence” should be taught in schools! There are a few organizations doing that..
I've started watching a lot of your videos lately and this one really resonates with me, it sounds like what you're saying is: Being assertive = finding the logic in the situation. The examples you gave with the grocery store and the co-worker listening to music, they sound like simply using logic. Thank you for this, because assertiveness to me felt like trying to hit a target the size of a pin-head, with a dart the size of a cruise missile. If you could dive a little deeper into this, how do I deal with people who see me as inferior to them so they're not going to honor my assertiveness even if it is logical?
yeah, thats my problem too.
Well said! That’s exactly what I need to learn…Thank You
You have to be careful with the word “logic.” In therapy, there’s logic mind, emotional mind, and wise mind. The healthiest place is not in a logical place or an emotional place, it’s in a “wise” place where we’re in tune with our emotions while letting ourselves use some logic.
My mother believes she is never angry. But she doesn't recognise cold shouldering, silent treatments, stonewalling as anger.
Good and helpful video. Thank you 🙏
really random but you remind of the actress Sigourney Weaver!
I just found her video on ruminating and a couple of anxiety episodes.
I felt that I could use a couple of things pointed out. Yet I’m hoping to find some more detailed information on intrusive thoughts particularly harmful thoughts. Are there any videos that I might be missing?
Ok but the reason why so many people are angry is because they try being honest and assertive and the person ignores that. OR people blatantly ignore obvous basic social etiquette or basic decency. Thats whats happening. Thats my experience and what i saw other people experiencing in anger management geoup therapy.
I saw women treating their husbands like children, coworkers stealing, family members gaslighting and none of the people in there werent assertive, they were just ignored and gaslit.
Grown as a very short tempered boy in teen age handling the anger very much accepting abd holding it to avoid any wrongs after a while i stopped feeling angry I just want to ask that after repressing a lot of anger i just dont feel it even after some one hitting me i hardly show any rageful emotions kinldy help
Thank you so helpful
What do you do, when you said it friendly and aked for that they don't it different. So you were gentle, but get back a bad response and even after another friendly try, it's getting ignored.
What do you do then?
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