I suppressed my anger, like flipping a switch, and I remember the exact moment. Not because my anger towards parents would be unsafe but because I didn't want to be like my father who always was angry towards his children.
I understand. i have an angry father. They were probably only angry towards us as children as a result of suppressing appropriate anger elsewhere in their own early lives. Can you see the irony that comes in when we try not to be like them?!
That's a good reason. But modeling assertive ways to speak to your kids and the people around you, WHOEVER they are, at the level of emergency to fit the situation is healthier for you and them.
This reminds me of this poem by Rumi: This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
I don't think I will ever stop to either internally, mentally or openly, thank this man, since when i started hear him talking in 2015 whilst I was depressed sad and hopeless sitting in a. cafe in Berlin, with my laptop open in front of me, watching him speaking about addiction, since then each and every time I hear him speaking, I hear a man with a capacity for compassion, empathy, emotional intelligence and logic whom goes farther beyond with his comprehension then anyone else I've ever listened to talking about very delicate and complex subjects : soul, nervous system body, childhood trauma, addiction, upbringing, family system. thank you Dr. Gabor Mate, from someone whom never confides in authority or those whom cover authoritarian roles
It unpacks from depression to anger and sometimes the unpack goes faster than the mental technology to intelligently unpack it, which is why years and years of self regulation and learning to compassionate investigate are really all you can hope for to do it well
It is not just about safety and if we express our anger it is not safe. For me it is because nobody accept it and they use it against me to laugh at me and say I’m very emotional, sensitive and I should be strong.they give me advise on how something is making me angry doesn’t make sense and then I have to deal with a hatred and double rage
All our feelings need to be UNSHAMED unconditionally allowed.... even ones like hate and jealousy. For the vulnerable tricky ones they can be done in solitude until we are confident and clear that we can express them in due contexts... When we can do this, it is such a Help for all parts of ourselves, of course!
As long as they don't affect other people. Making other people suffer for your jealousy will result in them giving the solid NO Gabor Mate modeled, and that is excellent and right for them to do for their immune system's health and to keep their immune defenses healthy and their health up.
@@alexandrianova6298 Hmmm... You really neded to say this to me? Our beings can affect other people. We are alive... 'How dare I disturb the Universe' mused Eliot... We have to BE, our real beings; become alive -thi is 'God' in us! But but but...: I donl thik you get my point at all: I was using hate and jealousy as far-out examples, possibilitites, for any feeling -the freedom for anything, as we are... But I was not implying unmindfully dumping them on others!! haha! I did venture to say this, in other words! You ought to try it; it is the most 'unselfish' and wonderful thing we can do for ourselves and our 'inner child-creature'!
You and your team and your associates are absolute legends. Thanks so much for the Work that you've all been doing *Universaldispute* . Keep up with the great work, you've been doing!! Thank you for saving and protecting millions of European FROM this heartless People... What comes around, goes around!!!!! Let them have it!! God bless your heart for helping us the victims...
Dealing with chronic illness here. Many people's healing journey include this emotional processing. Do yourself a favour and listen to this when you're well. The body whispers before it screams..
My girlfriend left me today for getting angry at a video game. I slip up once, and that’s it, gone. Why wouldn’t I continue to suppress my anger when everyone who witnesses it abandons me.
The team at *Universal Dispute* exceeded my expectations. Their dedication and expertise in asset recovery are truly commendable. Thank you for your exceptional service!”
This message is so liberating if you've spent your whole life either being told or feeling that your anger is invalid and not okay to express. Today and hereafter, I'm embracing my anger in a wise way as the important signal that it is.
So many of us fear anger as we only ever saw unhealthy anger. We learned to be like most, passive aggressive, and hold it in and stuff it down until it finally erupts in an aggressive unhealthy way. It wasn't until I read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner that I learned anger was a helpful emotion that protects us, helps us see we feel violated or hurt, and urges us to action. The key is not to take action until after the Fight or Flight aspect of it calms down - and learn to express it assertively, as communication. "When you said/did this, I felt angry or hurt." Anger held onto and the flames fanned becomes unhealthy anger, then it's expressed to silence the other and becomes drama instead of healthy communication. When I expressed anger and hurt to someone close, she listened, validated, and explained - then expressed her side of things, and I did the same. From a cold repressed relationship to a warm, loving, authentic one! It was scary to do, but what a difference it made! In another case, anger urged me to end a toxic relationship full of emotional abuse. Whenever I tried to express my feelings, I got gaslit, shamed, or blamed. There was NO fixing that relationship when the person won't listen. My healthy anger helped me protect myself and end the relationship with love. I'm happy with both experiences. David Richo is another psychotherapist who's brilliant with anger, and teaches the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger in his books. Dr. Mate is brilliant in his books and talks! His trauma talks have been SO enlightening and healing, and it's so helpful to hear him talking about how emotion repression leads to illness. Thanks, Mindfulness Exercises!
Anger should not be suppressed, should be observed, not judged and let it go. Anger is a thought and rage is the flavour. We can choose to become anger or just be the observer. In my experience be angry doesn’t give you but a nanosecond of pleasure, but then , when everything cools down you feel anything but vindicated.
I've become a master of repressing anger as experience has shown me this is the best way to maintain control. Not one member of my family, friend, colleague, stranger, etc has ever seen me angry in well over 40 years. I've learnt to modulate my emotions and feelings, including anger, as this is my way of maintaining a 100% control of my environment. People who get angry are just inadequate and weak of mind and spirit. When people are angry with me I tell them I'm not going to talk to them and for them to go away. When they are calm and can speak to me like an adult I'm all ears.
Apart of repressing the emotions because there are not accepted, it is also the fact that many times are too strong, too disruptive to manage. Maybe people that had big trauma in childhood can relate, when suddenly a huge pain is invading you, or a burts of anger, especialy when much stress is happening in your life..and you feel you just cannot deal with it, many times you're back in freeze mode before getting to see all the force of the emotion. At least, that's what's happening to me, I'm so dysregulated that I'm in freeze only at the sound of thunder, way before the flood is coming. While in freeze mode you cannot deal with emotions, it's like pretending to be alive, functional during anestesia
Thanks Dr Mate. I should say expressing anger or healthy anger it is not easy. It is not a decision. It is based on a deep understanding of yourselves and human nature, sometimes different cultures and people. Even knowing people’s games and motivations and their dark side and your own dark side and so many other factors. So, when someone is trying to tease you or make fun of you it is important to know where does it come from. Otherwise, you can’t neutralized it and make a boundary or show your anger. Anyone any idea?
You gotta lean into It, experience It and at the same time remain in control. It is not the emotion that is harmful but how you choose to act upon It. Rage and anger can be one of the most powerful motivators there are. Just dont go punching people in the face and youll be good. Reditect It to more fruitful actions. Dont suppress it
Wow that hit deep. People with migraine have suppress anger. I’ve been wondering why I suddenly developed these migraines. And I’ve been dealing with anger a lot these past few days thus why on this video. Thank you. Open to any feedback/ advice 🙏
2:41 yes. Without the care system we would not survive. Assertive needs to work otherwise it becomes suppressive. I read about German super soldiers and they didn't listen to their bodies and hold them from a young age from fear and weaponization. Immense suffering for those people.
How do we express healthy anger ? I can't find the answer anywhere??? How do I find this out please? I supress and have repressed my anger since childhood due to aggressive parents, even now my dad scares me when he gets angry ,I'm 42yrs old. This has caused all the problems in my life , I can't find friends or a partner that I'm comfortable with, and now health problems
If you are not able to walk away and forget it (won’t happen again, something minor then don’t worry about it). If it is something making you angry that you won’t be able to calm down from then you have to address it without going into a rage. If you suppress it and ignore it, you could snap and get out of control. When you go into a rage the hormones that go through your body are not good for your body and it can stay in your body for days after you have gone into the rage. It can be a risk for heart attacks. Basically you have to practice thinking about what you can say in that situation even though you feel like you want to scream crap at them you need to think about what to say. For rough example: “can we please have a chat? Listen I’m a bit upset about what you said because I don’t agree and think that you have misunderstood”… bla bla bla. Or “I’m sorry but I don’t agree what you did is fair because of” x y x… try to work towards resolving it in some way or maybe even have to agree to disagree. It is uncomfortable and difficult to face when you just feel like screaming but it’s all about learning how to control your anger. You can be angry BUT not go into a rage unless you or someone else is threatened. And you can’t keep always ignoring it because the hormones flooding you body regularly could start damaging your body and one day you could snap and do something you may regret. Getting into the habit of addressing stuff that needs to be addressed… in a healthier way. If you address it in a healthy way then yes, a relationship still might go sour but it’s definitely a better result than flying into a rage. You can learn to recognise the sign s and triggers and make a plan of what you can do to prevent yourself from continuing to get angrier to prevent yourself going into rage. If you switch into rage from zero to 10 with no control I’d definitely recommend seeing so help and therapy to assist you. If you have someone that you can talk to and have a bit of a bitch about something that annoyed you recently then it can a great help too getting it off your chest. It’s hard to know what would be the right approach in the situation with your father as I don’t know the situation or your family but just as one 1 example of a solution you could try is possibly to talk to your father maybe on the phone or something and say something like… dad I can’t be around you anymore when you are so angry as it really is affecting me. Encourage him to get help and explain that you are also seeking help. Then each time he gets angry just leave. You can’t force him to get help and you may find that you might have to just not see him again for the health of yourself. You might feel guilty but your health is more important.
@@CHOICEBETWEENFEARANDLOVE this is so wrong and toxic it's not even funny that you have 6 thumbs up Primarily, the pent up rage this person is feeling is THEIR OWN problem, not their surroundings'... Them going to their dad and 'fixing him' is not going to fix the issue or even make it worse if that attempt fails. Look up Adlerian individual psychology & Milton Erickson Go back to the level of this instinct. What happens if you let yourself go INTO a rage instead of repressing it?
I have found that writing out all my most angry thoughts in a method called "journal speak" has been really cathartic as a way to help me express my anger in a healthy way. You can google it, but basically you just write out all the anger you want to say for 20 minutes, and then afterwards do some calming breathing and rip up the journal pages. Good luck. :)
Thing is how do you process/express anger in a healthy way when while living in a society that more often than not antagonises you and yet doesn't allow you to express said anger?
When i get in a group for a working thing or something , someone always call me "the more peaceful" " oh she never fights" and i tell them " i rather to be a fool before you than being mad, believe me" I was a bit up child an many times i thought i was going to die, due i defend others from my fathers rage. Im very protective of my feelings now. Im avoidant now as an adult and i have ptsd
The teaching of the Buddha is that anger can never remove anger. Anger can only promote more anger. Only understanding and compassion can put down the flame of anger in us and in the other person. Understanding and compassion is the only antidote for anger. And using that, you heal yourself and you help heal the people who are victims of anger. That is why we cannot believe in the benefit of anger, because anger will always bring more anger. Violence will always bring more violence.
Understanding and compassion are intelligent technologies that many people do not have. The put out the flame bit has a suppresive tone. I think Mate said it best.
And you cannot have compassion with a suppressed anger . It has to be let out. Whether you leverage it to build your career, build your body. It needs an outlet.
What is a healthy expression of anger? Here’s someone with ADHD and some allergies, like the asthma/hay fever types and some food intolerances. Perhaps the only way how anger comes out is the frustrated explosion manner probably of built up emotions. Is it as simple as saying something like: “Hey dude, this is the second time you treat me like this”? To be honest, there’s also a lot of fear to express these boundaries.
I've read some of the healing portion of The Myth of Normal and he says it's as simple as an affirming "No!" When boundaries have been crossed. Do get the book though if you can!
When assertive doesn't work due to there not being the intelligent technology surrounding to allow it to work, we are often forced into suppresive or explosive. Though I don't do explosive, I can see it's a way to make it register when basic assertive levels don't register with what should have been the surrounding intelligent technology to help you process like the therapeutic, police, medical and court system. When these are really bad, people turn to suppressive having no faith that it will ever register in assertive or explosive going really hard to make it register. It's a sign a system does NOT work no matter what it thinks about itself. I
I have a hair trigger temper. RAGE just walking down the street. Like a pitbull who was kicked in the head too many times as a puppy. How do i make this stop?
It can be a symptom of PTSD. Your nervous system has seen too much traumatic stress so it doesn't have the "cybersecurity" of everyday bs as someone who doesn't have PTSD. Be compassionate with yourself, write down the thoughts as they are, and see if time and time again you can review them in the light of PTSD and see what needs to change to make your environment less burdensome to someone with your disability. Unfortunately that may mean losing relationships with people who do not have healthy relationships to anger and do not have a good grasp on their own PTSD.
for start just tell yourself,ok now i am really angry,when you are awere of that its no longer supressing,then dont try to push away anger,watch him try to understand him,it will pass away but its very importante to stay kind to yourself while its there.And ofcourse detach from him,i feel this anger but i am not anger.Wish you best luck from croatia!!!
I've been dealing with the same thing. The Psychotherapy Notes channel was pretty good stating try to journal as soon as you can when you go through it and see what triggered it and come up with a solution.
I've tried therapy a few times and it's always confused me They teach me calming techniques and also to connect to my anger and the calmness stops me getting angry and the anger stops me feeling Calm, It's hard to know which emotion to embrace
this a nugget from our teacher training program, you can find rest of the nuggets on our channel or in a playlist ruclips.net/p/PLskHqn-oiOLCWQ5EWyBsbfUmc7sfV8AMU
I had a conflict and i backed away from it from some random guy in market he was rude he say what are you looking at me kid was rude i felt fear in my heart and stubbing feeling in it i was scared had fear and i walked away i feel i needed to say smthing but i didint did i represed anger?
I would watch videos on here about explosive anger. You externalize and otherize your anger. What I will watch out for is there are many bad therapists who don't understand externalization and trade it for suppression. The goal is to move to assertive. Just be ready to close videos that move you into suppressive or self harm instead of into assertive.
Yes. Misogyny is really unhealthy. It has to be said no to, for your health and for all the people that model themselves on the women around them. Nice girls get angry in healthy ways to take care of their bodies.
Repression, as with the name depression is very much an air tool, don't you think? Repressing emotions is definitely done with air, or refusing to talk about them.
Areas without the compassionate, communicative and investigatory technology to unpack the intelligent information of anger and its sources will become repressive. People have clung to me in the past because I actually solve problems, but if they don't compensate you and start using you, their being users can be a core root of their many problems.
Healthy anger not healthy rage. Rage is never healthy unless you’re threatened. If you practice communicating your anger verbally rather than suppressing it before you get so angry that you go into a rage you will get better at it.
I think 'healthy rage' is the almost regressed toddler-like impassioned, accumulated hurt and frustration, which is ideally expressed and expunged in a safe environment, like with a counsellor. I think rage is an intrinsically healthy response to habitually repressed anger., so there's no inherently 'unhealthy' emotions on the spectrum, if you think about it. It's only unhealthy to express these states in a way which intentionally hurts others.
Most rage is really being threatened because the person threatening is not good at what they're doing and out of control of their own rage. Compassionate investigation is a technology like any orher that many of us never had. It requires libraries, courts that work, teachers that support not force, parents that care and aren't self absorbed, and things like that. It's a whole wider system to be able to be free of the threat and to not be threatened. National security is real, personal security is real, good Healthcare based on research about the nervous system is real. I'm struggling myself because I'm in area that is even struggling to pay libraries, with rotting courts and people who are so entitled they're acting like they're not paid enough to do basics. Healthy rage is only possible when a place has the infrastructure for it and if it doesn't that's not your fault.
but is there EVER a time to supress ANY healthy emotion..because if they cant..handle it, healthily understand & process that, doesn't that show a ..deficit, an Issue (for lack of a better term, sorry) on their part?
If it is in private, to yourself, and you have every right to assume it's secure, if you're not being supported competently, these things can come out. That's fine as long as it hurts nobody and you could assume nobody else would see it. Saying otherwise is like saying someone can't poop, which is just beyond incompetent and horrific. Do what you can to catch it but if you're not supported don't hate yourself to process it just do it where it doesn't affect anyone. Check for mentally ill people who are taking action on things that should be private. They are real risks to everyone. People need to process in private, just like they need to poop.
Since in autism they don't have the same communicative technology and communication is more "expensive" for their brain suppressive is basically cost management because assertive is harder for them than the average neurotypical who doesn't struggle to communicate or identify what exactly they're feeling and to do it correctly like someone with autism. So it is much more likely to be suppressed and since its compacted form also won't be understood it will often be inappropriately identified in irrelevant circumstances or be explosive because they didn't register the build up as easily as a neurotypical. Autism is linked to excessive testosterone in the maternal uterine environment so unfortunately estrogen and communicative systems in the brain are linked and do explain some of the features of autism.
A calm exterior doesn't mean the person isn't angry. Remember emotions are felt and then expressed. I agree a person who can control and wield their rage is a more effective person.
Healthy anger = when someone is crossing your (reasonable) boundaries, and/or acting in an unjust, disrespectful way. Unhealthy anger = seeking to control and abuse others, having unreasonable boundaries (eg my “friend” who was angry at me for not being able to do certain things due to my disability) or ridiculously high standards for others as an attempt to control the world around you. An example of unhealthy anger is an abuser who gets angry when their partner does’t indulge their every desire/whim and do everything they want - this is not healthy as it is about seeking to control and subordinate another person in a way which harms them. For dealing with anger, I recommend journalling, mindfulness (sit with the feeling, acknowledge it, see where it can be felt in the body, label what you are feeling - such as frustration, anger, pissed off etc. Learning how to make friends with feelings is very helpful in my personal experience, and in my training as a mindfulness teacher). You can also vent to others who are willing and able to listen, perhaps a loved one or a therapist if you can get one. These are healthy ways to express anger in my opinion.
A poem I recommend by Rumi - The Guest House by Rumi This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Lol 😂 Where I live you have to be on the verge of suïschide if you’re gonna get help. As in therapy. Or go private, which is vey very expensive. So, you’re basically on your own in figuring out how to best deal with your traumas. I wish therapy was more available for most people, so that it wouldn’t end up as bodily trouble so to speak. 🤷🏼♀️
So... what is the Mindful Approach to Healthy Anger?!?! Because I watched so many videos of this guy and all he does is talk about the horrible things suppressed anger can do to you but not even once, not even ONCE did he suggest an actual practical way to address it... Sure you can ask everyone around you to **** off when they do anything that makes you feel the slightest violation but then you could end up alone or possibly even more hurt! Stop talking the problem and start talking about practical solutions. Jeez.
Open up a word document on your computer. Write down everything that makes you angry. Be childish and petty. Let it out. Then, when you're done, delete it. Sometimes, your anger just needs its 15 minutes of fame. Your inner toddler needs to be heard.
The team at *Universal Dispute* exceeded my expectations. Their dedication and expertise in asset recovery are truly commendable. Thank you for your exceptional service!”
I suppressed my anger, like flipping a switch, and I remember the exact moment. Not because my anger towards parents would be unsafe but because I didn't want to be like my father who always was angry towards his children.
I understand. i have an angry father. They were probably only angry towards us as children as a result of suppressing appropriate anger elsewhere in their own early lives. Can you see the irony that comes in when we try not to be like them?!
@@jennytaylor3324 Nice example of what Gabor mentions, Transgenerational Trauma...
That's a good reason. But modeling assertive ways to speak to your kids and the people around you, WHOEVER they are, at the level of emergency to fit the situation is healthier for you and them.
That said if the system doesn't work assertive easily becomes suppresive-explosive. An incompetent system can destroy everyone's health and finances
This reminds me of this poem by Rumi:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Love this!
this reminds me of the “internal family system therapy”
My favourite poem, on the front page of my diary
I don't think I will ever stop to either internally, mentally or openly, thank this man, since when i started hear him talking in 2015 whilst I was depressed sad and hopeless sitting in a. cafe in Berlin, with my laptop open in front of me, watching him speaking about addiction, since then each and every time I hear him speaking, I hear a man with a capacity for compassion, empathy, emotional intelligence and logic whom goes farther beyond with his comprehension then anyone else I've ever listened to talking about very delicate and complex subjects : soul, nervous system body, childhood trauma, addiction, upbringing, family system. thank you Dr. Gabor Mate, from someone whom never confides in authority or those whom cover authoritarian roles
The good die young because they supress their emotions!!! Whoa... that hit hard
Healthy anger vs unhealthy anger is an important distinction! I’ve heard depression is anger turned inward!
It unpacks from depression to anger and sometimes the unpack goes faster than the mental technology to intelligently unpack it, which is why years and years of self regulation and learning to compassionate investigate are really all you can hope for to do it well
Depression feels like freeze. And yes I am finding anger & sadness underneath as well..
Be true to yourself ❤you are under no obligation to be the same person you was yesterday today tomorrow 🙏
“I was amazed by *Universal Dispute* professionalism and efficiency. They turned a stressful situation into a seamless experience. Excellent service!”
It is not just about safety and if we express our anger it is not safe. For me it is because nobody accept it and they use it against me to laugh at me and say I’m very emotional, sensitive and I should be strong.they give me advise on how something is making me angry doesn’t make sense and then I have to deal with a hatred and double rage
Gabor is so intelligent. I really value him.
Dr Mate is a legend. Glad to see him on!
Glad you enjoyed this!
All our feelings need to be UNSHAMED unconditionally allowed.... even ones like hate and jealousy.
For the vulnerable tricky ones they can be done in solitude until we are confident and clear that we can express them in due contexts...
When we can do this, it is such a Help for all parts of ourselves, of course!
As long as they don't affect other people. Making other people suffer for your jealousy will result in them giving the solid NO Gabor Mate modeled, and that is excellent and right for them to do for their immune system's health and to keep their immune defenses healthy and their health up.
@@alexandrianova6298 Hmmm... You really neded to say this to me?
Our beings can affect other people. We are alive...
'How dare I disturb the Universe' mused Eliot...
We have to BE, our real beings; become alive -thi is 'God' in us!
But but but...: I donl thik you get my point at all: I was using hate and jealousy as far-out examples, possibilitites, for any feeling -the freedom for anything, as we are...
But I was not implying unmindfully dumping them on others!! haha!
I did venture to say this, in other words!
You ought to try it; it is the most 'unselfish' and wonderful thing we can do for ourselves and our 'inner child-creature'!
You and your team and your associates are absolute legends.
Thanks so much for the Work that you've all been doing *Universaldispute* .
Keep up with the great work, you've been doing!!
Thank you for saving and protecting millions of European FROM this heartless People...
What comes around, goes around!!!!! Let them have it!!
God bless your heart for helping us the victims...
I think this video just changed my life
Thank you❤
I pray that this is not too late to save my health. Thank you all.
Dealing with chronic illness here. Many people's healing journey include this emotional processing. Do yourself a favour and listen to this when you're well. The body whispers before it screams..
We suppress anger due to fear of rejection.
Word!!!
@narcisismoabuso69no
And due to fear of attack too… amongst others
My girlfriend left me today for getting angry at a video game. I slip up once, and that’s it, gone. Why wouldn’t I continue to suppress my anger when everyone who witnesses it abandons me.
@@mcgoombsbecause you are raging at a video game.
The team at *Universal Dispute* exceeded my expectations. Their dedication and expertise in asset recovery are truly commendable. Thank you for your exceptional service!”
Wow 😳 in a few minutes I've made a real shift in my relationship to anger Incredibly illuminating..
This message is so liberating if you've spent your whole life either being told or feeling that your anger is invalid and not okay to express. Today and hereafter, I'm embracing my anger in a wise way as the important signal that it is.
I love this video! ❤every emotion has a purpose
So many of us fear anger as we only ever saw unhealthy anger. We learned to be like most, passive aggressive, and hold it in and stuff it down until it finally erupts in an aggressive unhealthy way. It wasn't until I read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner that I learned anger was a helpful emotion that protects us, helps us see we feel violated or hurt, and urges us to action. The key is not to take action until after the Fight or Flight aspect of it calms down - and learn to express it assertively, as communication. "When you said/did this, I felt angry or hurt." Anger held onto and the flames fanned becomes unhealthy anger, then it's expressed to silence the other and becomes drama instead of healthy communication.
When I expressed anger and hurt to someone close, she listened, validated, and explained - then expressed her side of things, and I did the same. From a cold repressed relationship to a warm, loving, authentic one! It was scary to do, but what a difference it made! In another case, anger urged me to end a toxic relationship full of emotional abuse. Whenever I tried to express my feelings, I got gaslit, shamed, or blamed. There was NO fixing that relationship when the person won't listen. My healthy anger helped me protect myself and end the relationship with love. I'm happy with both experiences.
David Richo is another psychotherapist who's brilliant with anger, and teaches the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger in his books. Dr. Mate is brilliant in his books and talks! His trauma talks have been SO enlightening and healing, and it's so helpful to hear him talking about how emotion repression leads to illness. Thanks, Mindfulness Exercises!
5:45 - what an amazing insight. He’s someone truly special
Anger should not be suppressed, should be observed, not judged and let it go. Anger is a thought and rage is the flavour. We can choose to become anger or just be the observer. In my experience be angry doesn’t give you but a nanosecond of pleasure, but then , when everything cools down you feel anything but vindicated.
.. great post but plz boost volume ..can hardly hear on my iPhone maxed volume ❓
Thank you so very much for this interview. Knowledge is power and a stepping stone.
Fvcking profound!! I’m glad to know this now! Thank u!
I've become a master of repressing anger as experience has shown me this is the best way to maintain control. Not one member of my family, friend, colleague, stranger, etc has ever seen me angry in well over 40 years. I've learnt to modulate my emotions and feelings, including anger, as this is my way of maintaining a 100% control of my environment. People who get angry are just inadequate and weak of mind and spirit. When people are angry with me I tell them I'm not going to talk to them and for them to go away. When they are calm and can speak to me like an adult I'm all ears.
Glad to find this. Most Google articles claim the opposite (and I wasn't buying it).
Apart of repressing the emotions because there are not accepted, it is also the fact that many times are too strong, too disruptive to manage. Maybe people that had big trauma in childhood can relate, when suddenly a huge pain is invading you, or a burts of anger, especialy when much stress is happening in your life..and you feel you just cannot deal with it, many times you're back in freeze mode before getting to see all the force of the emotion.
At least, that's what's happening to me, I'm so dysregulated that I'm in freeze only at the sound of thunder, way before the flood is coming.
While in freeze mode you cannot deal with emotions, it's like pretending to be alive, functional during anestesia
Thanks Dr Mate.
I should say expressing anger or healthy anger it is not easy. It is not a decision. It is based on a deep understanding of yourselves and human nature, sometimes different cultures and people. Even knowing people’s games and motivations and their dark side and your own dark side and so many other factors. So, when someone is trying to tease you or make fun of you it is important to know where does it come from. Otherwise, you can’t neutralized it and make a boundary or show your anger. Anyone any idea?
You gotta lean into It, experience It and at the same time remain in control. It is not the emotion that is harmful but how you choose to act upon It. Rage and anger can be one of the most powerful motivators there are. Just dont go punching people in the face and youll be good. Reditect It to more fruitful actions. Dont suppress it
Express your emotions ❕
Thank you 🤍
Today I was fired from my job. No reason was given. I have so much rage. I've never felt this before. It's a horrible feeling!! It just wont go away.
This is powerful information.
These are such important teachings on healing and wellness!
Indeed! A true gift to have Dr. Gabor Maté join us.
Wow that hit deep. People with migraine have suppress anger. I’ve been wondering why I suddenly developed these migraines. And I’ve been dealing with anger a lot these past few days thus why on this video.
Thank you. Open to any feedback/ advice 🙏
2:41 yes. Without the care system we would not survive. Assertive needs to work otherwise it becomes suppressive. I read about German super soldiers and they didn't listen to their bodies and hold them from a young age from fear and weaponization. Immense suffering for those people.
Thank you
Doc Is LOADED😭🍁
How do we express healthy anger ? I can't find the answer anywhere??? How do I find this out please? I supress and have repressed my anger since childhood due to aggressive parents, even now my dad scares me when he gets angry ,I'm 42yrs old. This has caused all the problems in my life , I can't find friends or a partner that I'm comfortable with, and now health problems
If you are not able to walk away and forget it (won’t happen again, something minor then don’t worry about it). If it is something making you angry that you won’t be able to calm down from then you have to address it without going into a rage. If you suppress it and ignore it, you could snap and get out of control. When you go into a rage the hormones that go through your body are not good for your body and it can stay in your body for days after you have gone into the rage. It can be a risk for heart attacks.
Basically you have to practice thinking about what you can say in that situation even though you feel like you want to scream crap at them you need to think about what to say. For rough example: “can we please have a chat? Listen I’m a bit upset about what you said because I don’t agree and think that you have misunderstood”… bla bla bla.
Or “I’m sorry but I don’t agree what you did is fair because of” x y x… try to work towards resolving it in some way or maybe even have to agree to disagree.
It is uncomfortable and difficult to face when you just feel like screaming but it’s all about learning how to control your anger. You can be angry BUT not go into a rage unless you or someone else is threatened. And you can’t keep always ignoring it because the hormones flooding you body regularly could start damaging your body and one day you could snap and do something you may regret.
Getting into the habit of addressing stuff that needs to be addressed… in a healthier way.
If you address it in a healthy way then yes, a relationship still might go sour but it’s definitely a better result than flying into a rage.
You can learn to recognise the sign s and triggers and make a plan of what you can do to prevent yourself from continuing to get angrier to prevent yourself going into rage. If you switch into rage from zero to 10 with no control I’d definitely recommend seeing so help and therapy to assist you.
If you have someone that you can talk to and have a bit of a bitch about something that annoyed you recently then it can a great help too getting it off your chest.
It’s hard to know what would be the right approach in the situation with your father as I don’t know the situation or your family but just as one 1 example of a solution you could try is possibly to talk to your father maybe on the phone or something and say something like… dad I can’t be around you anymore when you are so angry as it really is affecting me. Encourage him to get help and explain that you are also seeking help. Then each time he gets angry just leave. You can’t force him to get help and you may find that you might have to just not see him again for the health of yourself. You might feel guilty but your health is more important.
Check out Irene Lyon's work. Look up some videos of her's on this exact topic.
@@kevinlawrence9553 thank you
@@CHOICEBETWEENFEARANDLOVE this is so wrong and toxic it's not even funny that you have 6 thumbs up
Primarily, the pent up rage this person is feeling is THEIR OWN problem, not their surroundings'... Them going to their dad and 'fixing him' is not going to fix the issue or even make it worse if that attempt fails.
Look up Adlerian individual psychology & Milton Erickson
Go back to the level of this instinct.
What happens if you let yourself go INTO a rage instead of repressing it?
I have found that writing out all my most angry thoughts in a method called "journal speak" has been really cathartic as a way to help me express my anger in a healthy way. You can google it, but basically you just write out all the anger you want to say for 20 minutes, and then afterwards do some calming breathing and rip up the journal pages. Good luck. :)
Thing is how do you process/express anger in a healthy way when while living in a society that more often than not antagonises you and yet doesn't allow you to express said anger?
When i get in a group for a working thing or something , someone always call me "the more peaceful" " oh she never fights" and i tell them " i rather to be a fool before you than being mad, believe me"
I was a bit up child an many times i thought i was going to die, due i defend others from my fathers rage.
Im very protective of my feelings now. Im avoidant now as an adult and i have ptsd
The teaching of the Buddha is that anger can never remove anger. Anger can only promote more anger. Only understanding and compassion can put down the flame of anger in us and in the other person. Understanding and compassion is the only antidote for anger. And using that, you heal yourself and you help heal the people who are victims of anger.
That is why we cannot believe in the benefit of anger, because anger will always bring more anger. Violence will always bring more violence.
Definitely misinterpreting something there, anger is freeing and necessary in the actual world. I think you need a more mature nuanced perspective
Understanding and compassion are intelligent technologies that many people do not have. The put out the flame bit has a suppresive tone. I think Mate said it best.
And you cannot have compassion with a suppressed anger . It has to be let out. Whether you leverage it to build your career, build your body. It needs an outlet.
What is a healthy expression of anger? Here’s someone with ADHD and some allergies, like the asthma/hay fever types and some food intolerances. Perhaps the only way how anger comes out is the frustrated explosion manner probably of built up emotions. Is it as simple as saying something like: “Hey dude, this is the second time you treat me like this”? To be honest, there’s also a lot of fear to express these boundaries.
I've read some of the healing portion of The Myth of Normal and he says it's as simple as an affirming "No!" When boundaries have been crossed. Do get the book though if you can!
@@Knifymolokothanks!
When assertive doesn't work due to there not being the intelligent technology surrounding to allow it to work, we are often forced into suppresive or explosive. Though I don't do explosive, I can see it's a way to make it register when basic assertive levels don't register with what should have been the surrounding intelligent technology to help you process like the therapeutic, police, medical and court system. When these are really bad, people turn to suppressive having no faith that it will ever register in assertive or explosive going really hard to make it register. It's a sign a system does NOT work no matter what it thinks about itself. I
I have a hair trigger temper. RAGE just walking down the street. Like a pitbull who was kicked in the head too many times as a puppy. How do i make this stop?
Find a good therapist.
It can be a symptom of PTSD. Your nervous system has seen too much traumatic stress so it doesn't have the "cybersecurity" of everyday bs as someone who doesn't have PTSD. Be compassionate with yourself, write down the thoughts as they are, and see if time and time again you can review them in the light of PTSD and see what needs to change to make your environment less burdensome to someone with your disability. Unfortunately that may mean losing relationships with people who do not have healthy relationships to anger and do not have a good grasp on their own PTSD.
So how do we learn to express our feelings?
for start just tell yourself,ok now i am really angry,when you are awere of that its no longer supressing,then dont try to push away anger,watch him try to understand him,it will pass away but its very importante to stay kind to yourself while its there.And ofcourse detach from him,i feel this anger but i am not anger.Wish you best luck from croatia!!!
😢 this is me.... Thank you Gabor for elucidating this. What is the way to heal and fix this?
I'm loving it!!! Mikayla
What does one do about not knowing where their anger is coming from? I’ve been feeling so angry lately and I’m not exactly sure why 😩🥺
I've been dealing with the same thing. The Psychotherapy Notes channel was pretty good stating try to journal as soon as you can when you go through it and see what triggered it and come up with a solution.
Where is the whole interview?
I've tried therapy a few times and it's always confused me
They teach me calming techniques and also to connect to my anger and the calmness stops me getting angry and the anger stops me feeling Calm,
It's hard to know which emotion to embrace
frightening
is this part of a larger video that is somewhere online?
this a nugget from our teacher training program, you can find rest of the nuggets on our channel or in a playlist ruclips.net/p/PLskHqn-oiOLCWQ5EWyBsbfUmc7sfV8AMU
I had a conflict and i backed away from it from some random guy in market he was rude he say what are you looking at me kid was rude i felt fear in my heart and stubbing feeling in it i was scared had fear and i walked away i feel i needed to say smthing but i didint did i represed anger?
So how does one get their homicidal fury out? Cause talk therapy & or delayed action therapy just doesn’t do it.
I would watch videos on here about explosive anger. You externalize and otherize your anger. What I will watch out for is there are many bad therapists who don't understand externalization and trade it for suppression. The goal is to move to assertive. Just be ready to close videos that move you into suppressive or self harm instead of into assertive.
❤❤❤
How to heal lonlieness my nervous system Re sensitized
I think women have a much harder time expressing anger... bc nice girls don't get angry. We get even😊
Yes. Misogyny is really unhealthy. It has to be said no to, for your health and for all the people that model themselves on the women around them.
Nice girls get angry in healthy ways to take care of their bodies.
Repression, as with the name depression is very much an air tool, don't you think? Repressing emotions is definitely done with air, or refusing to talk about them.
Areas without the compassionate, communicative and investigatory technology to unpack the intelligent information of anger and its sources will become repressive. People have clung to me in the past because I actually solve problems, but if they don't compensate you and start using you, their being users can be a core root of their many problems.
What's healthy rage? When people are in a rage they cause destruction and lose all ability to think of those they're hurting.
Healthy anger not healthy rage.
Rage is never healthy unless you’re threatened. If you practice communicating your anger verbally rather than suppressing it before you get so angry that you go into a rage you will get better at it.
I think 'healthy rage' is the almost regressed toddler-like impassioned, accumulated hurt and frustration, which is ideally expressed and expunged in a safe environment, like with a counsellor. I think rage is an intrinsically healthy response to habitually repressed anger., so there's no inherently 'unhealthy' emotions on the spectrum, if you think about it. It's only unhealthy to express these states in a way which intentionally hurts others.
Rage is dangerous...if someone is enraged, I get out of the way.
Most rage is really being threatened because the person threatening is not good at what they're doing and out of control of their own rage. Compassionate investigation is a technology like any orher that many of us never had. It requires libraries, courts that work, teachers that support not force, parents that care and aren't self absorbed, and things like that. It's a whole wider system to be able to be free of the threat and to not be threatened. National security is real, personal security is real, good Healthcare based on research about the nervous system is real. I'm struggling myself because I'm in area that is even struggling to pay libraries, with rotting courts and people who are so entitled they're acting like they're not paid enough to do basics. Healthy rage is only possible when a place has the infrastructure for it and if it doesn't that's not your fault.
Life isn't supposed to be easy.
Fear - anger - are synonymous imho.
How to express anger
💙
but is there EVER a time to supress ANY healthy emotion..because if they cant..handle it, healthily understand & process that, doesn't that show a ..deficit, an Issue (for lack of a better term, sorry) on their part?
But there must be a thin line between a healthy anger vs hurting your loved ones, how to handle this dilemma?
Try journaling, meditation, etc.
If it is in private, to yourself, and you have every right to assume it's secure, if you're not being supported competently, these things can come out. That's fine as long as it hurts nobody and you could assume nobody else would see it. Saying otherwise is like saying someone can't poop, which is just beyond incompetent and horrific. Do what you can to catch it but if you're not supported don't hate yourself to process it just do it where it doesn't affect anyone. Check for mentally ill people who are taking action on things that should be private. They are real risks to everyone. People need to process in private, just like they need to poop.
What about autism? Is suppression of emotion linked to autism?
Since in autism they don't have the same communicative technology and communication is more "expensive" for their brain suppressive is basically cost management because assertive is harder for them than the average neurotypical who doesn't struggle to communicate or identify what exactly they're feeling and to do it correctly like someone with autism. So it is much more likely to be suppressed and since its compacted form also won't be understood it will often be inappropriately identified in irrelevant circumstances or be explosive because they didn't register the build up as easily as a neurotypical. Autism is linked to excessive testosterone in the maternal uterine environment so unfortunately estrogen and communicative systems in the brain are linked and do explain some of the features of autism.
I have lonlienessfeelings! ?
This man has not understood the mechanism of the ego. The most powerful fighter is the calmest one in the face of the biggest chaos.
A calm exterior doesn't mean the person isn't angry. Remember emotions are felt and then expressed. I agree a person who can control and wield their rage is a more effective person.
@@ellicemcfarlane6010 Its precisely not the exterior but the interior. Anger, like fear are stuck energies in the body that cant flow properly.
So you hurt someone in return when you become angry you might lose your job your partner what is healthy anger ?
Healthy anger = when someone is crossing your (reasonable) boundaries, and/or acting in an unjust, disrespectful way.
Unhealthy anger = seeking to control and abuse others, having unreasonable boundaries (eg my “friend” who was angry at me for not being able to do certain things due to my disability) or ridiculously high standards for others as an attempt to control the world around you. An example of unhealthy anger is an abuser who gets angry when their partner does’t indulge their every desire/whim and do everything they want - this is not healthy as it is about seeking to control and subordinate another person in a way which harms them.
For dealing with anger, I recommend journalling, mindfulness (sit with the feeling, acknowledge it, see where it can be felt in the body, label what you are feeling - such as frustration, anger, pissed off etc. Learning how to make friends with feelings is very helpful in my personal experience, and in my training as a mindfulness teacher). You can also vent to others who are willing and able to listen, perhaps a loved one or a therapist if you can get one. These are healthy ways to express anger in my opinion.
A poem I recommend by Rumi -
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Wizard
*anybody with power differential over you
this guy is so depressing and i love it
He gives me so much hope of humanity finally no longer fearing and being able to work with anger
Lol 😂 Where I live you have to be on the verge of suïschide if you’re gonna get help. As in therapy. Or go private, which is vey very expensive. So, you’re basically on your own in figuring out how to best deal with your traumas. I wish therapy was more available for most people, so that it wouldn’t end up as bodily trouble so to speak. 🤷🏼♀️
ALS what's is that? UK Question
This guy reminds me of the dr in the mask lol
whats healthy anger tho :(
Why is this repeated
Sorry. There can be many different causes of depression. Not just suppressing negative emotions.
So... what is the Mindful Approach to Healthy Anger?!?! Because I watched so many videos of this guy and all he does is talk about the horrible things suppressed anger can do to you but not even once, not even ONCE did he suggest an actual practical way to address it... Sure you can ask everyone around you to **** off when they do anything that makes you feel the slightest violation but then you could end up alone or possibly even more hurt! Stop talking the problem and start talking about practical solutions. Jeez.
Open up a word document on your computer. Write down everything that makes you angry. Be childish and petty. Let it out. Then, when you're done, delete it.
Sometimes, your anger just needs its 15 minutes of fame. Your inner toddler needs to be heard.
Thought the same. This guy makes me angry
This makes me angry😠😂
Buuut... won't expressing anger leads to arguments and fights that make you wanna die?
PS: Not a joke.
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