The Modern World Is Making Men Lonely, Addicted & Lost! - Escape Society's Matrix | Gabor Matè
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- Опубликовано: 3 май 2024
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On Today's Episode:
Either you or someone you know is dealing with illness on some level. Whether it’s an autoimmune condition, metabolic disorder, or mental health crisis, it’s hard to escape the reality of how sick our society has become and so we’ve normalized our lack of health and made it the new norm without really questioning why.
In our fast-paced technological world where medical breakthroughs are more common it feels like we’re further from a solution than when we started or we’re just solving for problems we’ve been creating and consequently we’re farther from optimal health than ever before. At what cost is all this happening?
Dr. Gabor Mate is a world renowned trauma and addiction expert with over 40 years experience and respect looking at how trauma has been affecting us from childhood long into our adult years. Today he’s discussing The Myth of Normal, also the title of his latest book on trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture. From the very beginning Gabor exposes the myth and explains why this new norm we’ve accepted is actually making us sick.
Between exposing how trauma in our childhood and suppressed anger lead to autoimmune diseases and how our adaptive responses to bad parenting decisions cause a plethora of problems in our adult lives, Gabor Mate is laying down food for thought that will shift the way you see everything.
Check out Gabor Mate’s latest book, The Myth of Normal, Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture: amzn.to/3RQl0rg
SHOW NOTES:
0:00 | Introduction to Gabor Mate
0:39 | What Is the Myth of Normal
6:20 | Authenticity & Attachment
10:37 | Boundaries For Unconditional Love
19:45 | Nature’s Agenda for Humans
30:50 | Best Human Conditions to Thrive
36:36 | Stop Suppressing Healthy Anger
47:39 | Depression & Disconnection
53:32 | Emotional Regulation to Trauma
59:46 | Breaking Traumatic Cycles
1:12:35 | Healing Childhood Adaptations
1:23:50 | Conditions of Unconditional Love
1:27:14 | Changing an Unhealthy Culture
QUOTES:
“In this culture the norm is neither healthy nor is it natural, in fact the norm I think is making us sick.” [0:56]
“Illness in this society given the conditions is a normal response to an abnormal circumstance.” [1:11]
“That means we have to be in touch with our gut feelings and our emotions and to be true to them, and so what we need is relationships is which we can be true to ourselves, that’s a directive.” [4:25]
“When you suppress your emotions you’re suppressing your immune system as well.” [5:55]
“Infant is an expectation for unconditional acceptance. [...] We evolved as expectations for certain conditions. The less a society meets those conditions the more toxic it becomes…” [7:56]
“You can set boundaries through just love, through relationship, through example, it doesn’t have to involve force and it certainly doesn’t have to involve physical force.” [13:26]
“You may know on some level that your parents love you because they feed you, they hug you, but at the same time these people that love you are deeply hurting you, that’s traumatic.” [18:38]
“Wealth is defined as a set of social connections rather than a set of physical possessions.” [27:55]
“In this society, it’s the worst of us that get nourished and the best of us that gets suppressed.” [30:56]
“Not feeling your anger was an adaptation to your childhood where the anger wasn’t permitted. That emotional physiological effort to repress anger takes a toll on the nervous system and the immune system. It’s a major role in disease ” [42:10]
“Healthy anger is a boundary defense.” [44:15]
“When you suppress the emotions, you’re also suppressing the immune system.” [45:42]
“Trauma is an imprint that makes you react to the present like you’re still a child, [...] it’s automatic, it’s unwilled…” [55:39]
“What stresses people are a loss of control, uncertainty, conflict and lack of information.” [1:05:15]
“Having love for a person doesn’t mean that you’re going to put up with everything that they do, [...] we have to draw our boundaries, but the question is how do we draw our boundaries and in what spirit and with what intention?” [1:24:41]
“Why should we settle for the worst versions of ourselves…” [1:33:13]
Follow Gabor Mate:
Website: drgabormate.com/
RUclips: / @drgabormate9132
Instagram: / gabormatemd
Twitter: / drgabormate
Facebook: / drgabormate
What do you think is the biggest issue we face in society today? Drop a comment below!
Illusion of connection.
@@Vineeth..v Good point, I was going to say disconnection
Joe Biden
Closed hearts
@@radfoo72 💯
When my daughter had a temper tantrum I hugged her tight, rocked her and hummed or sung to her until it passed. I just could never ignore her or send her away from me. It just went against every parenting instinct I had . She is 17 now and she is just the greatest, kindest, confident, personable, well behaved. Everyone she meets loves her. My advice is before you have children get lots of therapy to work on your issues so you can parent your child from love and not your trauma. Your child is not your therapist. Children are selfish and will push every button you have so you better be healthily prepared for it.
Amen🙏
This advice comes to late now for me and my child. 😟
That is the best advice you could ever give a person who is or isn't yet a parent. I couldn't have said it better....❤️
My experience was, that a child having a tantrum usually doesn’t want to be touched while having one.
@@sandraschunke2080 With gentle love, it’s never too late. ❤❤❤ You have a great depth of love in you
I’ve done so much inner work that I’ve lost all my family and friends. I feel so isolated and lonely sometimes. I’m hoping all of this inner work will eventually help me attract new people who’ve also done their inner work.
Sending big hugs ❤️ It will come, and when it does you'll be grateful this moment in time. X
I relate. It happened to me. We'll soon find our people!
I feel that 🥺
Wow this hits hard! that is what I am currently experiencing. According to them I am abusing some type of "substance". SMH.. I wont let it stop me though. Thanks for sharing this. xoxo
Reach back out to the people who you love...loneliness is NO joke
The best of parents are those who experienced trauma and chose never to allow their own children to feel how our parents treated us and made us feel. If you are this parent i love you, i respect you and the world needs you. You are amayzing so don't let anybody ever tell you any different ❤
Is that even possible when we are also dealing with generational trauma. And searching for what we assume is normal can be part of our own pathology. There haves to be a shift and an acceptance in what is more communal but then again?
Believe me, I am one of them. I thank my parents because I understood from their behaviour with my sister and me, exactly what not to do as a parent.
@@meeraranade1871Haha! Same here, I would say I may not know how to be a parent, but I DO know how NOT to be a parent!
Thank you for this message. Nobody knows my struggles as I have never mentioned them to anyone. I chose to heal myself and never let my kids feel the way i once felt.
If that were true child abuse would not continue through the generations, but it does
I had a temper tantrum at my fathers funeral. I was just over 3 yrs and remember being extremely angry. All the adults froze and were mortified. My brother, who had just turned 6, was the one who took care of me.I learned early on that I couldn’t depend on adults for anything.
@carolynkepler I am so sorry you went through that. I hope you are okay.
Love and respect....love what's right, water and rest is miraculous....promise
Yes! I learned that early on also😓😫
😢 wow. That's sad.
It is sad but sometimes true. I had a similar experience.
" You did not grow up in the same house as your sibling." Now that's an eye-opener.
As a parent I know this to be true. You adapt your personality to what you believe connects best to each child.
Also if you're an older, younger or a middle child is a factor
Yes, this is what I thought growing up.
Not only each child, is different…
At different ages/stages, each parent, is different.
Brilliant way to explain this.
"When you suppress your emotions, you are suppressing your immune system as well."
😅
interesting use of words, which make you ponder, but not sure about causing “autoimmune diseases” since it’s not backed by scientific research! Although, when suppressing emotions, release them. Let them go. Forgive & forget. Holding on to negative feelings & emotions would cause many psychological, mental, and even physical health issues, especially when you hold on to them for a long time!
@@infiniteknowledge7520 . I doubt that you know more then this men - this men only gives you scraps of how much he knows- I believe %1000 in this - because that’s stress and stress is culprit to almost all illnesses . The So called science is so slow our kids will dye without knowing ! But People like him already Know- most likely From they own experience! %1000
Wow. And that makes sense to.
ENERGY IN MOTION = EMOTION
Traits that predict and cause illness:
1. Automatic concern for other people's (emotional) needs above your own
2. A rigid identification with duty, role, and responsibility
3. Repressed (and/or suppressed) emotions
4. (Self-limiting) beliefs:
5. Responsibility for other people's emotions
6. "I must NEVER disappoint ANYONE..."
That’s just me!
Same here! I thank God that I was directed here to learn all this and STOP this thinking!
All of them.My natural proclivities goes in the otger durection.Thats why i dissociate and abandonned myself
Let’s reconsider points 1 & 2 …. with that belief we just trample over others.
I think that an understanding of what Dr. Mate’s talking about would help to talk to someone who was neglected as a child and what they are left with as an adult. When you grow up neglected, in the loving nurturing sense, you walk through life wondering who you are, unable to believe or feel the sense of love you get from others. It’s like being in limbo. Everything he says resonates with me because I didn’t experience those things. As a woman in my 60’s I’m still trying to understand it all. Dr Mate’ is helping me to understand why it is that I feel the way I do about life and maybe, just maybe, I can find a feeling of connection to it before I die.
Add to that being adopted at birth, and my identity is non-existent. I feel like a lost child even at 59
@@julierussell5773 keep searching. I remember a very long time ago a therapist told me that the things we feel, because of our experiences don’t go away, they are part of us, but they can be put in a box in the closet so if we ever feel we need them we know where they are. It’s a difficult journey but following Dr. Mate reminds me that I am the way I am because of circumstance. I hope you can find a way to nurture that child within you, she deserves so much love.
buy a dog, seriously
Edit: buy 4dogs
Wishing you luck
@@unnamed5603 have 3 rescued dogs. They always turn around and rescue you back with that unconditional love that grows within them as they heal. Dog spelled backwards is God because they reflect His amazing grace.
“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.” ― Gabor Maté
This is really good!
Brilliant and true. Do you have the minute where this is said?
"Suffering is pain being suppressed." - Dowlphin
sigh , . listening to you .. and feeling very stressed . . and discouraged - . chronic illnesses have no genetic marker and SO what ??
That's basically an eastern philosophy, which I agree with. I also love Gabor Mate's earlier work regarding addiction. However, I don't completely agree with his current work.
So I’ve studied psychology (child psychology especially) five years at University and then I hear this guy and my degree goes out the window. So sad no one teaches this
New concepts are always arising it's a very exciting time for mankind. Assending may feel uncozy but it's still a beautiful thing u study an area of life and how to treat life don't u think that way just never stop leaving sta hungry
I feel ya. I'd recommend "Nature and the Human Soul", by Bill Plotkin, Ph.D.-A Psychologist gone wild
Developmental wheel, addresses natural and contemporary tasks of developmental stages, which are not constrained by age. He's acknowledging, as a longtime Vision Quest Leader, that nobody has completed all developmental tasks.
The wise masters don't live our life they sit back observe and teach . To be like this teacher and have his calmness and wisdom do as he does not as he says 😇 namesta
Very true. Hopefully universities take it on board. So many wasted lives through lack of insight. Everyone needs to be aware of Gabor Mate and his teachings 🤗
100%
Thank God for my mom.
My daughter and i lived with her when my daughter was a baby. The doctor had told me to let her cry herself to sleep and my mother said ABSOLUTELY NOT!! We rocked her to sleep every night.
My parenting instinct was so underdeveloped i thought she was wrong at the time.
She is 16 now and more securely attached than most kids her age. I credit my mother.
Imagine listening to an expert about how your child is trans. Would you let that expert make decisions?
@@--------RR007---------- I believe that Stalin was right about doctors.
It may be a case of a broken clock being right twice a day but Doctors truly and genuinely have no integrity whatsoever.
My mom was poisoned to death by a sadistic oncologist that would tell her stuff like "Coca Cola and water are both hydration." when i was trying to advise her to the diet shown to cure bowel cancer.
Oncologists want people to have cancer.
I think those "gender" doctors are sadists too. The gleam in the eye of the surgeon that mutilated Jazz Jennings as he describes how bad it is is truly one of the most disturbing conversations I've ever witnessed. He is behaving as though its the happiest day of his life.
Very interesting that he touches on Jordan Peterson's theory that the angry child must be isolated until such time as they are able to "return to normal", thus setting the stage for rep repressed healthy anger and autoimmune issues.
Jordan Peterson's daughter has suffered significantly from rheumatoid arthritis. Precisely what Gabor explains .
@@patriciamalloy9922 that's a really good point!
Also very weird is how certain Peterson is that the crazy restrictive diet is what healed her and not the fact that she moved out of their home.
Correlation does not imply causation unless you're trying to sell a diet to the masses. Then steak cures autoimmune disease all of a sudden.
When I was a baby mothers were told to let us cry and only pick us up .to feed us. But we lived with my grandparents and my grandfather couldnt stand the sound of my crying so she picked me up.
Amen. Hd daughters at age 43 and 45. Read a million parenting theories. In the end I went with instinct...so comforted them when they cried,let them sleep with me, carried them all of the time. They are confident, smart, kind and secure. Glad I listened to my gut. confidentsecure,
Gabor Mate is one of the wisest people alive today. What a gift to humanity. ❤
Very true!
I want to marry him
@@anitachojnacki4512 settle down
But he makes up a lot of stuff. Be careful about his interventions.
@@anitachojnacki4512me to. My wife won't let me though. Good luck 🎉🎉
I decided to raise my kids the complete opposite of how I was raised. The results are night/day. I am breaking generational curses. It stops with me!
❤
Do you have teenagers?
@@xR0N1Nx 2
Damn I'm going thru the same thing
I'm braking my generational curse by not having kids, it dies with me 😢
Love this! I raised two boys. My first son had colic and cried for 3 months. I always tried to comfort him. I never left him to cry himself to sleep. I never punished my boys. Only rewarded them for positive behavior. Believe me all the love you give your kids, it is not going to spoil them. It will make them confident and loving adults.
This man is one of a kind, I have been following him for quite a time .He is so smart , wise ,compassionate,and above all humane.I can’t believe how he stood up for injustice in Gaza.❤❤❤❤
"you've never seen an adult throw a tantrum, you've seen a traumatized child in an adult body throw a tantrum"
"Hysterical is historical."
I think its also important to note that trauma in this case shouldn't be mistaken as an excuse or a pity card.. Responsibility as an adult should be to recognize and work on treating that deeply ingrained trauma. But now we see alot of adults playing the victim card and excusing their behavior instead of tryinf to change it for themselves and the people around them. I think Dr Mate really encourages not to do that and I appreciate it.
@@bapbirb I disagree with your opinion that Dr. Mate is encouraging people to play the victim card. I think what he is doing is helping people understand what trauma is and how it affects them so they can change their habitual reactions which are the result of the trauma they have experienced. I work for a community mental health agency that helps the most vulnerable members of our community. So many of the individuals we serve have lived through unspeakable trauma that no one should be subjected to. I have a sign on my desk that reminds me to keep their lives in perspective. It reads, "Don't judge someone for the choices they made until you know the options they had to choose from."
@@bapbirb couldn't agree more.
@@normk58 I should've worded it better to prevent confusion, but maybe you should read my comment again.. I wanted to say Dr. Mate encourages people not to play the victim card, instead encourages people to first recognize that trauma and work on fixing it primarily by themselves instead of blaming or depending on the people around them.
This guy is the EINSTEIN of mental health. This man literally blew my mind. I instinctively knew I was hearing TRUTH. Thank you.
Please does the Dr has his own page
Everyone lies to make money. How can you ever trust anyone?
I have the same instinct ! Yes, he is the best one explaining the relationship between stress/trauma and diseases.
Couldn't have been discribed better
Yup
I just love all of Gabor Mate’s talks on all the topics he covers. I find myself getting very emotional when I watch them. He has a calming aura about him & I could listen to him all day. He makes me feel like I am not alone. I’ve been struggling this last year with all the relationships in my life & have noticed that I disconnect to cope. My kids & grandkids all live overseas & seeing my friends enjoy their lives with their families, is heartbreaking for me. I don’t begrudge them that, I am slightly envious but I am also very happy for them to be able to do that. When they complain about having to look after their grandkids, at times, I remind them how very lucky they are.
“…disconnect to cope” - oh yeah🥺
My grandparents are in the same boat as you. I hope they're doing well.
A big hug to you❤
These statements at 58:20 are SO important. My boys both begged me to take them out of public school and home school them. I not only **home**schooled them, but I **UN**schooled them. They went through a few months of playing video games and basically doing nothing. Then all of a sudden, they each discovered things that they wanted to learn and skills that they wanted to develop -- on their own with no prompting from me. I had no idea that my older son wanted to compose electronic music. I had no idea that my younger son had the ability to coordinate and lead teams. Now they are 19 and 17, respectively. My older son is about to start a degree in computer science, after working a year and traveling to New Zealand. My younger son got a job at 16 (and still has it), bought his own parts and built himself a PC, and he will start his associates degree in electrical systems next year.
"They give up their authenticity for the sake of the attachment". I've spent my life thinking I was defective. This is so validating 💜
All humans are defective. Dont be so hard on yourself.
Yep. It sucks that we are a result of our parents issues. We can’t be our true authentic self
And people who did it the other way are really screwed, because they're usually not even talked about. Very cynical society.
Me too. :(
50:50
Listen to that again. Conciousness is missing! Once you get aware of your traumas (like me 2 years ago), you might and probably will slip more into your victim position, it happens again unconsciously, through your ego identifying with it. It is how your ego tries to survive, it holds onto something to identify with. 😊 (Tipp: avoid reading comments, my thoughts got very much influenced too but could get out of my head. And I was and sometimes still am a huge self-sabotaging overthinker)
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR CONCIOUSNESS, (which means you also take responsibility): meditation, remind yourself very often to come back to reality, to the PRESENT MOMENT as it is, regardless what is (discernment is good oc). To just observe, without judging or labelling what you see. No need to take it personal, that doesn't invalidate your feelings.)
Focus on the stillness within you (the gap between your thoughts) and on the feeling in your body, also without judgement. Ground yourself and reconnect with yourself. Body mind and soul(/spirit). That's why it is called spiritual awakening when you finally get concious of yourself, of conciousness itself and realize what is REALLY going on, it has nothing to do with religion!!). INNER PEACE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO ALL OF YOU ❤
“In this society, the worst of us gets nourished while best of us gets suppressed”
Hey Tom, I can see that these answers were very challenging for you. I felt that the ideas pushed your emotions and boundaries but that you really tried and succeeded in being open-minded. Much Respect.
So much of what this doctor says speaks down to my soul. I wanted children, but had a very damaged childhood. So after years of doing a daycare I realized that at a certain point I really didn't want children. As an adult I got involved with a man who was disabled and I had to take the male role in my relationship and do the majority of work. Now that I'm alone and no longer in that relationship I see so much more in my life. I don't want to be in another relationship like that.
When I had my son I had studied how women in Japan raise their children as a group and do not let the infant cry unattended or in a prolonged way. I did that with my son and I'm glad I did. I never had any doctor tell me to let him cry. He was later identified as a special needs child and I am glad that I had that information and the support of his father to spend more time with him than most mothers do. I let the baby teach me what he needed. I was shocked in public when people would question me why I was holding him instead of putting him in a stroller? I would answer, if you have never had the joy of holding a baby you should try it! He is now a well adjusted 24 year old young man.
I went threw that when it came to my grand baby. I had to go in fast to grab something fast and people looked at me like I was nuts that I did not grab a cart I held her and grabbed what I needed then left thinking wow you people are sad and a bit lazy . Not trying to judge others but they do judge us . I knew early that I was not the mom kind but I was fairly badly abused and learned to shut down . I just saw a add that falls into the issues wrong with this world it was a add for losing weight . We have been lied to and told it is our fault that we are fat . Has anyone looked at what we are forced to have the choices of to call food ? A salad should not be made out of hard chunks of lettuce instead replace it with spinach and beat tops . They have health benefits there is none to the lettuce . A good salad should not cost 20 bucks . I just want to eat . These box companies and the contract with our new owners china to get our vegetables really made things very hunger games like now . I saw a woman wait behind me as I shopped for my veggies get all happy when I did not grab the last few of a vegetable. That is not the way we should ne having to feel about eating yall .
He's a special needs because of never letting him develop on his own.
@@heatherwright3953 China doesn’t own us lmao we externalize business to China because we make more money if we exploit their manufacturing industry (lack of labour and envt standards)- the ppl of China are stuck under the same boot in a different country.
A parent who dosnt learn from their child as mutch as they learn from the parent is in many ways a faulty parent imo..
My mother gave me all the love in the world, and did a brilliant job doing so. until my father came to my life when i was 6 years old.
Everything went downhill from there, he abused me. Always made me cry, he still does. Ingrained that i was worthless in my psyche. He never supported my talents or interests. He didn’t accept my truths and honesty. Always blaming me and my mother for his unsuccessfull life. He always curses at my mother and me, calling me a sisterfucker. And other awful names and lies.
Here i am 23 years old. Having abused drugs and resorting to crime, for the past 7 years. It only numbed the pain temporarily. I’ve been sober for the past 3 months and all my traumas and pain i’ve been sucking up is surfacing and making my life nbearable to the point where i can’t think of anything else other than maning up and kill my father so the pain he causes me and my mother can end.
He just blew my mind with that simple, elegant breakdown of how you cannot possibly grow up with the "same" parenting/childhood experience of your siblings.
Me too
Yeah that really blew my mind too, it made me think of twins & although they are raised by the same parents & at the same time. Each twin will have a different relationship with the parents!
@@lauralaine8678 I have twin step children and absolutely see the differences. Mind blown by Gabor
I was raised in a your, mine and ours household. My step father was a monster to me, but a kind father to his girls who could do-no wrong. And I was the only one who was whipped with a belt. I became a bed wetter , and I was always frightened. And now I get frightened when someone is mad at me. And I help out people before meeting all of my own needs.
We see it with multiple siblings, the eldest was often helicopter parented yet the youngest "got away with everything". Understanding that our parents are just humans and infallible is possibly the hardest thing to reconcile. We often put our parents on pedestals and become angry at the way they parented us - they were doing what they thought was right at the time - with growth, that changes!
This man is a precious, brilliant person. Cant get enough of him
*"In a world full of negativity, your videos are a breath of fresh air. Your messages resonate deeply, and I appreciate the positive vibes. Keep spreading the motivation!"*
This is how we develop Stockholm syndrome where we are treated badly by an individual, usually a parent or a partner, and we feel bad for them even though we are the ones being abused.
Fact
"The child shouldn’t have to take care of the parents emotional needs to make the relationship work. People that have to work to meet their parents emotional needs end up in deep trouble as adults.” Having been subjected to this by my parents for as long as I can remember, and still dealing with the consequences as a 40 something year old, it's reassuring to hear these words and know that someone else out there acknowledges how deeply troubling this is.
Sadly I just hide my emotions from my kid and keep it to myself and I'll probably die sad and no one will know. Oh well that's life.
Yes, a lot of profound sayings that no one has said that before, at least not as clear as Dr. Mate does.
I hear this
@@peijuechen I probably have in some form or another. It's kind of a common issue, parents having children out of fear, not love, to fill an inner void and then trying to control the medicine.
Yes, this is why it felt normal for me to be putting more into the relationship with a partner, as an adult, and trying to “fix” a situation where I was being abused. I was expected to “fix” my relationship with a parent, to “make it work.” That is a parent’s job. Now I know that adult relationships can’t work unless both people are working on it, and each considers the other’s needs and feelings. My needs and feelings, as a child, were not respected. I don’t have to accept this, as an adult. I don’t have to change myself to try to fit my partner’s needs. I choose to be considerate of others, AND I consider my own needs. I don’t have to be someone else to make anyone happy! That’s great to know.
I love how Tom is not afraid to disagree with Dr. Maté and challenge him yet still listens and does not interrupt Maté when he tries to prove his point.
I think it is the approach of truly trying to understand. The best part is that we all got to benefit from his curiosity. ❤
I found it quite irritating n annoying
@@jessicanormandy730 I think toms an annoying narcissist anyway so was surprised to see Gabor mate here. Glad I read the comments first. I’ll wait and watch him somewhere else.
@@brianadlich4406 yah..Tom is not at that intellectual capacity as Dr. Gabore n it's annoying bc Tom's not at his level but also comes across disrespectful
@@jessicanormandy730 I can tell these fraud pod hosts just by the people they interview. There’s a certain group that seem to do the same circuit if shows. Diary of a ceo is another.
I’m too private and a bit prideful to share in detail however this man is making such a major difference in my life! I sincerely thank God for him and I pray he is blessed beyond his imagination!
Since my child was 1 i started reading and learning gabor mate work. The relationship i have with my kids is amazing. I grew up in abusive environment which caused me to suffer emotionally. I failed school, got into the wrong group, into addiction etc exactly as per gabor mate work states.
I wanted to make sure i didnt bring generational trauma to my kids and make them feel safe and this is all down to gabor work. Thank you gabor
@ David Graham
Heartwarming, well done! 🤗
Hi David. So would you go to your baby everything they cried. How did you set boundaries? I'd be interested to know.
👏👏👏 love this
@@michealhennessy1696 you might like checking out Alfie Kohn’s work on discipline
@@michealhennessy1696 Read Mate's book
Thank you Tom for not interrupting Dr. Maté. What a great interview.
I'm glad you thought so
Admittedly, sometimes it was difficult to continue listening, because of so many interruptions BUT this person who is interviewing the doctor is also putting themselves bravely in front of potentially millions of people. In doing this, he exposes all of the flaws in his thinking (along with everything else, good, bad or indifferent as my mother used to say). And the only acceptable response is relatable empathy. At least imho.
No, the adverts did that. Continually.
I appreciate Tom challenging Gabor Mate's thinking about spanking and discipline. I think Mate's is off-base with his advice about spanking and time outs for children. I agree wholeheartedly that attachment is paramount with children and parents. That's bologna that kids who get spanked experience the same trauma that kids who experience severe abuse. I think Mate's thinking generally has a lot to offer but in his thinking about spanking or time outs he is way off base. I've never spanked my kids and have used time outs or natural consequences or restrictions of privileges. I think Mate's is full of bologna on this issue.
More like , Thank you Dr, for not letting Tom interrupt you :D
I have a son. Never punished him and never criticised him directly. He listens to me and is absolutely brilliant. This man is absolutely right.
The more you listen to this Man, the more sorted your line of thought becomes.
No one I’ve heard addresses trauma like Dr. Maté. If ever there was an example for humanity in our times, it’s him. Thank you for being you 🙏
Maybe it's because of how much he's suffered personally, and don so as a sensitive soul.
I second this 😊
Totally.
Agree! His work is not known enough, let's share it far and wide!
I think he is the Master of the trauma.
My parents divorced when I was very young (2-3 years old) I lived with my dad until I was 15, he raised me in a home full of yelling, he wouldn't necessarily "beat" my brother and I, but he wasn't afraid to smack up around, he led with discipline...Then when I turned 15, I got to move in with my mom, step-dad and half siblings... My mom has yelled at me only 3 times total in my entire life (I'm 34 now), she was ALWAYS warm & understanding... One day I did something really bad, and got caught, most parents would probably heavily discipline their teenager, yell at them, ground them, maybe smack them in or whatever....
However my mom was just SO upset, like I let her down by my actions. She couldn't talk to me for 3 days because she was so upset with me. Out of all the times my dad disciplined me, NOTHING was NEARLY as effective as letting my mom down like this and seeing how much it hurt her.
I went from being a shit head teenager to NEVER doing anything to let me mom down ever again...I recognized how incredibly effective her ways of "disciplining" me were, instantly!
IAM SO GLAD SOMEONE SHUT THE INTERVIEW UP SOMETIMES HES ARROGANT THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING THANK YOU DOCTOR FOR SETTING HIM STRAIGHT ❤THANK YOU 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
When I had cancer, my husband became a tempermental child and tried to interfere with my ability to get treatment. I guess my job was to never get sick or need any support, I supposed to be his servant. We are getting divorced now.
prayers for you. Some people just never want to grow up.
Thank you! Sadly, society promotes that kind of male entitlement.
I remember when I worked as a nanny for an 18-month-old boy, when he cried passionately when put down for his afternoon nap, I would hold him, walking around the room the whole hour and a half until he woke up again. But he slept blissfully when held all that time. By the time he woke up and I put him down, my arm was in spasms from carrying him so long, but it was worth it. I couldn't let him cry himself to sleep.
My emotions were allowed, but I was expected to self-sooth. As a result, only my bed comforts me and I do not trust people to care for my inner experiences.
When we had our son, my husband put our son in the crib to “cry it out.” I allowed him to experiment, but my motherly instincts couldn’t tolerate this technique. I bulldozed my husband over to get to my son to comfort him. It was so unnatural to allow him to “cry it out.” My heart was breaking every second I heard my baby cry. I would have attacked my husband, if he did not allow me to get to my son. It was bad enough that I had to forcefully push him out of my way. I will always be there for my babies. I am a momma bear!
So glad you’re intuition stepped in…..we should protect our babies and children always and comforting them is vital ❤️
There are many methods for supporting a child going to sleep. We combined a few so that we could teach them that they knew they were supported but also that they were independently able to self sooth. To always answer their cry essentially teaches dependency, expectancy and outside control of their needs. The child doesn't learn self awareness as easily so they can ask for, or not, in degrees. It can be smothering.
That was my personal experience and that of many of my clients.
It's not black and white. Learning the child's different kinds of cries is also important which they will develop only if given the chance to experience different needs. Running to their side every single time also takes away their power to learn for themselves.
@@user-qz6ml3hb9u I personally would rather had a compassionate parent who responded to my needs, so I would trust people today and not have to experience perpetual loneliness. I can feel the void and emptiness that was left there. Neglect has major consequence on child development. There are other experiences that can teach a child independence, however, responding to a child’s emotional and basic needs is not one to forgo.
@@jessicamadrid5799 Exactly right. Which is why a compassionate parent is not a controlling parent or a parent who doesn't allow a child to learn to express themselves. It is incumbent on every parent to help a child learn their true capacities and skills and be there to provide that safe space when they need it. To teach them degrees of need is giving them the skills to go out into the world and feel safe inside themselves because their needs are met. In order for a child to know their needs a compassionate parent must have the patience and listening skills to help them.
@@user-qz6ml3hb9u It depends on the age of the baby as well as their temperament and if the parents can actually do it.
Dr. Matè has been a huge factor in understanding myself, my childhood and everything i know about the world and life. Im infinitely indebted to his work!
Dr Mate, your beautiful explanation of how we fid not grow up in the same house with the same parents as our siblings has given me a new perspective on my siblings and how they behave. Thank you for that.
Also, your cadence is art. This is the best way I can articulate how it makes me feel. Your insight is incredible. Thank you again.
Can't believe how underrated stress is, what he says about it, makes me believe it really is like an ice crack,
if you keep stepping on it, it eventually breaks, and you lose your mind,
and it opens the door for any kind of diseases too, insane how fragile we are...
Absolutely. I learnt this when I had my psychotic episode just the one time. I can never let my ice crack that far ever again.
I don't know if we're really that fragile...it's that Life really Is set on bending you to it's "discipline" in every possibile way...if you Rebel...you're on your own....
The biggest issue we face is also what you mentioned in this podcast: goodness is not rewarded whereas greed, competition etc is.
Great point.
Because people value money more than personality.
That's what Dennis Prager says. Parents surveyed want their children to grow up to succeed over being kind.
@@leahnorman9629 my Mother was like that and I broke away from her because it just wasn’t right and I’m glad I did I see the world in another perspective.
Wow…. I can relate to this conversation. I don’t have a good relationship with both of my parents and reason being my anger towards them was always suppressed. Also I always used to feel both of my parents have different behaviour and thoughts towards my brother. They always loved him more and had better relationship and understanding with him. Honestly I just hate my parents.My father never cared for my feelings and my mom was emotionally unavailable always and verbally abusive.
Wonderful interview. The good news is, there are more people awake and conscious today and we are on that process of knowing ourselves, liberating trauma and behaviors. Each one of us can talk and work with others to help them too. We are changing the world we want to live on, it’s just a one step at a time. With love, love, love. 🙏🏻
They need to teach this man's wisdom in schools !! He is 100% right !! With my first born I tried listening to Spock and I couldn't follow through. I quickly learned to ignore everything people tell me and do only what I felt in my heart.
After listening to this man speak and considering the trauma I’ve been through I’m wondering at 46 who I even am.
Me too. What am I, what do I really want
I'm 53 and I just figured out this year that I have NEVER been who I truly am and thus have begun the journey of undoing, becoming 'empty' & beginning to rebirth into my authentic Self. Dr Gabor's work has been intrinsic to my journey of unraveling the lifelong trauma that had me ever doubting mySelf to begin with. His perspective allowed me to grieve and forgive myself for ever being so lead astray & also all the ways I attacked others and isolated myself from connection bc I didn't even know what connection felt like... SO illuminating and Healing
Best wishes to all of us on that journey and thank God for the benefit of deep souls like Dr Gabor and those kindred. This isn't just psychology, it's metaphysical and spiritual on the deepest human level in my experience & I'm ever so grateful...
@@alexasmith6473 are you doing it by yourself or with somebody's help? How's that working out for you? How have you broke through the inertia of the years, the resistance of habits etc?
@@7Denial7 Yeah, ha! mostly "alone", kinda but not really tho bc of holy connection. Or more like: deeply learning about that, second by minute
It's progressing well enough, yet still seemingly in starts and stops, in 'time'... I'm able to finally get focused on mySelf right about now for first time this lifetime . Gaining my Higher Self's support as I allow it, day by day... & only wanting that.
Nothing else will happen positive for me until that, positive for me means positive for the world and anything less ain't positive for no one ❤️💕💞
; w
@7Denial7 follow the holistic psychologist and read her books, that's a good start.
Wow within just the first few minutes I can already completely see what he's saying. I've dealt with so many repercussive issues, even baffling therapists with my inability to hold or express anger, and its because I was taught as a kid that anger was blind, hurtful, destructive, weakness, not diplomatic/adultlike, and was a bad thing to have or show.
Thank you for letting me know grief is what I’m feeling and I’m not handling it right which is causing me anxiety.
It's no wonder that we're so wounded. Thank God for Dr. Mate who is speaking about these matters, helping us understand that as adults we can re-parent ourselves. We can love ourselves, experience freedom and healing for a better future ♥️🙏
Dr Mate is the result of the Artsy Western lifestyle. He makes no sense in the developing countries!!!!
*EVERY FAMILY HAS SOMEONE WHO BREAKS THE CHAIN OF POVERTY IN THAT FAMILY,I PRAY YOU BE THE ONE*
Talking about being successful! I know am blessed because if not I wouldn't have met someone who is as spectacular as expert Mrs Blossom Jefferson
The greatest regret is not trying and failing but it is not to trying at allFunny enough people aspire to emulate great investors and entrepreneurs, of our time but they only see their wins
and achievements and they careless about their
challenges and failures during multiple trials and the
lesson it teaches
I wouldn't agree less but a times we are influenced based on result of what will see and experience, failure at first try doesn't mean it is over but unfortunately people seems to back off when they have experiences some obstacle or failure along the way
You have to recognize you need an expert that
understands how to read the market so you can avoid
winning today and losing tomorrow. There's reason why experts like Mrs Blossom wins all the time,I was a bit skeptical but she
Kept encouraging me to invest and it turn out very
successful
This is really helpful for my situation,please how can I get intouch with this exp Mrs Blossom?
50:50 CONSCIOUSNESS IS MISSING. In this comment I first explain what happens automatically to most when realizing own traumas: becoming the victim, or blaming others like he says 1:03:00, but I also write WHAT WE CAN DO effortlessly, even at work, in order to grow consciousness.
50:50 Listen to that again. Including 'a child in an adult body throwing a tantrum' (you might get triggered now saying, "I'm not a child!"😅 I get triggered strongly when my partner says 'stop reacting like a child', we are all there. And soon I will indeed start to go to therapy, heal deep trauma, re-establish the relationship with myself first while taking a break with my partner before I destroy our relationship through constant triggers) please even listen 5 min more, it is very important! Conciousness is missing! Once you get aware of your traumas (like me 2 years ago), you might and probably will slip more into your victim position, blaming your parents or someone else, it happens again unconsciously, through your ego identifying with it. It is how your ego tries to survive, it holds onto something to identify with. 😊 (Tipp: avoid reading comments, my thoughts got very much influenced too but could get out of my head. And I was and sometimes still am a huge self-sabotaging overthinker but starting to heal and grow)
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR CONCIOUSNESS, (which means you also take responsibility): meditation, or simply remind yourself very often to come back to reality, to the PRESENT MOMENT as it is, regardless what is (discernment is good oc). To just observe, without judging or labelling what you see. No need to take it personal, that doesn't invalidate your feelings.)
Focus on the stillness within you (the gap between your thoughts) and on the feeling in your body, also without judgement. Ground yourself and reconnect with yourself. Body mind and soul(/spirit). That's why it is called spiritual awakening when you finally get conscious of yourself, of consciousness itself and realize what is REALLY going on, it has nothing to do with religion!!).
When you meet your parents again, try to meet them in the present moment, means you are present without judging, with compassion, without a internal story from the past.
I left home for 2.5 years, awakened, and once I saw them again my personality changed. Until I realised my suffering again and that the present moment and my authentic self is the good way. INNER PEACE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO ALL OF YOU ❤ PS: We are in an important phase of the evolution of conciousness, you all can participate in simply becoming more present.
And thanks very much for reading all the way through, it got a bit long indeed. Not english native by the way sorry if it is hard to read
😊😊are 😊
😊😊😊😊
I agree totally! You raise your children with love! Total love! My son was the sweetest! He now 26 & totally confident & a good person .
sending love to Tom Bilyeu. I saw the pain of his inner child in his eyes. It's so hard to meet that pain within us. Sending love to all of us still in pain by not having been loved properly when our brain was still developing.
It may have been frustration you noticed in his eyes from being cut off by Gabor so many times.
I got spanked sometimes but I was acting up and after the punishment i calmed down. I am not traumatized, do not think it was "abuse" in any way and never resented my parents for it. Unlike kids today, i am responsible and well adjusted.
@@gypsygirl9Good for you! Not everyone had that experience so tell your story without feeling the need to take away from those who had a different experience.
I think Dr. Mate's view of 'normal' is spot on. His description of rheumatoid arthritis sufferers feels particularly personal. The two clear directives I remember from childhood are 'Don't feel that way', and 'That didn't happen'. I'm surprised we didn't all wind up deranged.
Now decades later, these messages are being fired at us through mass media and driving the entire country crazy.
Check out blackseed oil for arthritis.
We mostly did. That’s why people are so messed up and chronic illness is the norm rather than the exception.
Well said.
Maybe we HAVE ended up deranged. I mean the majority of us.
I love when you were facing the reality of stress
And for the parents they have their role to care for their children
You are the best ❤️💐
I NO LONGER
HAVE MY VOICE SILENCED.
I ROAR!!
You are constantly being re-born,
re-created, re-generated, every moment!
Concepts, thoughts, and stories are constantly being re-created.
You are generating it ALL,
and this is unconscious.
When you ‘uproot’ repression and suppression, you unveil Flow.
You CAN change
IN! AN! INSTANT!
Every morning you wake up,
your life story is re-constructed...
Do I have to wake up believing reality is the way I believed it was yesterday?
When breathing is restricted, get curious about what is holding it back,
when it is open, get curious about why that is...
YOU ARE THE ARTIST!
Awareness of something alone IS enough!
It untangles itself,
the knots lets go of You.
Choose Freedom.
Take responsibility for your own suffering.
Gabor Mate is one of the great thinkers of our time. Thank you for this conversation.
If only thinking changed reality ...we could all think ourselves happy .hmmm maybe he's onto something ☺️👌
I can say with confidence that my children have a good sense of boundary and autonomy and I do not punish or discipline them negatively. I speak to them. We have open, candid conversations about everything and anything under the sun. We respect each other and I tell my children that they have my love, respect and support unconditionally. No matter what they do, they can come and tell me and whether I like it or not, they will not be judged. It is not easy, but it is definitely rewarding.
You are a beautiful human being and you just made my day
It must be rewarding to be a perfect parent
@@theequatableskeptic8148 Thank you so much. I am glad it brought you something good.
@@blissfulbaboon It is definitely rewarding. But I am nowhere near perfect. Or, I do not know what perfection is. I am just a person who has gone through childhood trauma and hence, life trained me to know what not to do, what not to say and how to sense what is required in the moment. Just found the silver lining in the dark cloud.
I do the same thing with my kiddos.
Wow...I have rheumatoid arthritis. I never thought I was abused or neglected as a child but this confirms that I was. It is hard to digest that I unknownly have abused and neglected my children by listening to family and doctors and not listening to my own motherly instincts. I'm so happy that new mothers are being educated on how to raise their children without abuse, neglect and repression.
I like how I've worked a lot of Gabor's message out for myself, reassuring. Great message. My biggest regret was the bedtime routine and the anguish of the child's cries.
I'm a stay at home Dad and my daughter is 3 years old. Haven't been away from her for more than a few hours her whole life. I lived by one rule. How would I want to be treated of I was her. She has been loved unconditional through everything. I always been very patient, understanding, respectful... the whole nine yards went above and beyond for her. Would spend 30mins some days patiently talking to her asking her to do something and explaining why. Always pushed her and let her try to do everything by herself. I let her struggle but was always there to encourage her. Now she just turned 3 and just watched 15mins of this video but can answer your question Tom Bilyeu. I HAVE ZERO PROBLEMS WITH HER and don't need to discipline her or give time outs. ALSO DIET!!! SUPER IMPORTANT. She eats extremely healthy. Children are naturally emotionally unstable and if you give them junk food your just feeding a fire that was already burning. Same goes for me but adult are more stable however if I eat junk food I have noticed less patience's on my part. Both parents and child needs to eat healthy to be more stable for this to work. I don't need to discipline her and I don't get frustrated anymore being her father is just pure joy after all that hard work, love and patience that now it's mutual respect between us. It's worth it.. yes u will be staying 30mins in hallway sometimes dealing with tantrum but now are just extremely rare. I just say it's okay and everybody cries even I cry sometimes and explain that it is part of life.
She hasn't reached school age yet and her life will change due to societal (i.e. her school friends) pressures. You can control everything RIGHT NOW but it will be a different situation once she is in 2nd/3rd grade.
You're building a safe foundation for your child's development. Great job! I'm sure you'd relate to Vanessa Lapointe's work, you sound like you're already embodying her strategies. Enjoy the journey!
You’re an exceptional dad, well done.
@@chrissyellem7397 One biggy is changing schools if the environment is absolutely toxic. I happened to be in a class that I had no friends and did poor and it ruined my enjoyment of school so seeing the signs, talking openly with your child and taking appropriate action is another way to take control.
Love this
The child shouldn't have to work to make the relationship with the parent work... they shouldn't have to take care of their [parents] emotional needs. That hits home. Exactly what I had to do as a child and am still expected to do as an adult.
Ofc the child have to work for the relationship to work, but there is a difference between healthy ans unhealthy work. I mean its only natural in all human beeings to belong and be a productive member in their group and children loves to feel like they contribute but it has to be on their own terms. Dont get me wrong i get what ur saying and you are absolutly right. All im saying is that its also important for them to feel like they are important and working is one of many others things thats important for them as well.
Yep my cousin left me in Utah alone. My dad blamed me. I needed support and sympathy but had to suppress my child need and say okay, yes, I’m at fault. I see. Because he got incredibly angry with me.
I grew up trying to protect my mom from my alcohol father, then from my crackhead brother, then from his crackhead girlfriend who uses her baby for manipulation. Now I am raising my brothers and his gf 2 kids since their birth. And I realize that my mom is addicted to the drama. I have no control over anything not even of keeping the bio parents from talking/seeing the kids . My mom controls everything and what she doesn't it seems to be controlled by his gf. And I keep trying to help her but she thinks everything I say is coming from a hateful place. I'm so tired and so depressed.
@@TheMJT515 My life is really harsh, its not easy for me. Becuse I was apperantly born very young. I dont remeber exactly how young. But maybe I where 2-3 years old when my mother gaved birth to me. My life is is not easy to live when I was born so very very young.
Same.
Everything this Dr. Gabor Mate’ says just makes sense. It really does. I’m almost nearing 65 yrs old & I’m learning so much.
Working in education with children, this interview has helped me to understand so much ! It has helped immensely. I will read the book. Thank you both very much.
I'm a survivor and almost died from this kind of neglect and abuse. Trauma passed on from generation to generation.
I love how humble Dr. Mate is. He is my example of a strong, compassionate health care professional. I've learned so much from him. I'd love to see a study done that correlates adverse childhood experiences with not wanting to ever have kids of their own. I think there is a HUGE correlation.
His wisdom and understanding is so amazing. And the way he communicates it makes it fairly easy to understand. And it goes so deep, I have the utmost respect for him, a great Teacher for sure.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7794759/
I never strived to have my own kids, not bc I do not like them but bc there are so many kids in the world that need care and love that I think it is kind of selfish to just want to have your own kid exclusively. I babysitted neighbours kids as a teenager and the love , care and connection they developed for me and I had for them just showed me that i could love adopted child as if it were my own and that it is the connection and care that matters.
Why people don't want kids is so complicated but I doubt it's super related to childhood trauma. Trauma was always present and yet previous generations had lots of children. Maybe now, when women (and men) have a lot of choice they can have their trauma lead their lives. Think about your grandmas and if they still had kids regardless of carrying transgenerational trauma from god knows where and when.
There is! However, I also find that once someone starts healing or fixing the adverse childhood patterns, they then will sometimes want children, if only, NOT to repeat the pattern of their parents but to create a new "blue print" shall we say, so as not to continue to "create" adverse environments, but maybe that's just me
Absolutely loved this episode. Thank you. I agree very much with Dr. Mate’s view on human nature, I believe good is a much a part of our nature as “bad” is. Somehow we have let society convince us otherwise, and every time there is a place of communion, community, selfless groups of people working for something, those are aggressively targeted and attacked. I don’t know how we will find our way to a better society, but I am also part of the optimists. I am grateful for all these amazing “influencers” like Tom, and who are part of scaling the change.
In physically abusive relationships, the aggressor almost never allows the victim to express anger (the victim has much anger and fear towards the abuser) Can you address this situation?
Thank you for your studies on such important topics.
Kelley
He’s right about the parenting. I do my best not to give into societal norms and love on my baby (that’s what I call picking him up, be patient, set healthy boundaries by saying no instead of shunning him away etc.) …it works but we have to be patient with our babies. They’re tiny humans, tiny souls trying to learn how to navigate this realm. The world is difficult enough… just love on ‘em. Give them what they need to THRIVE!
I reported the reply to this comment by a scammer trying to pretend to be Tom. Of course RUclips doesn’t care about scammers, they only care about censoring the truth
I agree ❤!!
It's not that simple, just Loving a child or saying "just love them" is NOT enough. The children of Today are being bought up by people with Mental Health issues. The do not impart respect, boundaries, discipline, TOLERANCE, work ethic etc. So Love doesnt cut ut.
Yes!!! These tiny humans did not "chose" to be brought into the world. We made that choice for them... we gotta step up!
I🌿🏵️🍃🌵🌵🌵
My best friend is 42 and was diagnosed with ALS 9 years ago. She is definitely extraordinarily nice and I’ve never seen her angry. Even growing up, when guys would do the stuff that me and our other friends got understandably pissed about, she never said a word. Her mom is super aggressive and mouthy and she never ever “fought” back. It really makes me wonder.
isn’t it hard to learn this ? It makes me so sad but i always knew.
There's explaining , but what's the solution . Would therapy help the ALS person ?
@@IamAloha when I told her about this video, she agreed and asked what the solution was. I don’t know.
When a parent hits or abuses a child, they don’t love them selves, there fore how can they love you! This was mind blowing, eye opening and wonderful again with Dr.Gabor Mate! Sad that parents bring children into the world who aren’t stable themselves, think they can set the stage, bc, they were abused, but don’t understand the the child in a different culture, stage, or time in life bc, the parents is broken! This is why the child becomes the caregiver, and gets sick! No wonder our world is broken! Ty Dr. Gabor Mate ! Tysm Tom, for this interview! You would be a fabulous father for sure !
I needed this as a parent and as a son thank you for shedding some light on this issue
As a child that was brought up in a household where I was often not treated as a person with needs and feelings, I can say that I believe that remembering the humanity and impressionability of your child is likely the most important thing you can do for them.
I love the fact that Tom pushes back and express his objection when he does not agree or understand. That's vulnerability and pure honesty and that's why I am a huuuuuge fan of his.
All he does is interrupt. I was going to say that I like the fact that Gabor Maté pushes back… And it’s holding his ground. When he has a point to make. Anyway that’s the process of this kind of conversation or dialogue… Asking, questioning…. And usually revealing our own biases and programming.
@@JohnnyArtPavlou I got the feeling Tom didn’t really understand or appreciate what Gabor Mate was saying.
It's really rare Tom is out of his depth but how can he not be here. I've been a father for 18 months and before you have children you cannot possibly fathom what it is. Gabor is an absolute expert and it is just that Tom has still a lot to learn.
@@georgemulford2910 Same. His insights are normally razor sharpe. Here he seemed a bit lost. I loved when he was trying to explain to Dr Mate about "scaling up". They are from two different worlds which makes the conversation so much more enlightening.
@@georgemulford2910 I hate to bust on Tom, because he’s always so curious and enthusiastic. I don’t mind if he pushes back… You’re right… Maybe he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. And Gabor Maté seems to be able to back up his claims with some kind of evidence.
I might like a little balance to the valorizing of aboriginal and indigenous cultures. but yes… Let’s have less genital mutilation for boys and girls! 🫣
I have never been able to experience anger, I can only feel sadness in front of any triggering situation. I know well why I am like that. Grew up in a stressed family, where my mom would hit, humiliate, threaten, and attack me physically and psichologically. I have an elder sister who was acting the same as my mum. I never felt save or seen and I had to supress any kind of reaction that would just make the situation scalate.
How are you doing now? Seems like we had a similar home life. I find it really hard to feel connected to anyone.
09:20 This is absolutely true. Siblings are not raised by the same parents in the same home.
This interview is exactly what I've been trying to explain to my family. This interview is a game changer for me in my research & my own therapy with regards to trauma & breaking the generation "curse" in my family.
I was precocious curious joyful and funny as a child. Mom was a stressed parent neglected and abandoned as a child.
I’m starting my journey back to authenticity TODAY ! Thank you 🙏 Dr. Gabor Mate.
I love this man so much. In our society, the worst of us gets nourished and the best of us gets suppressed!
God help us all.
I especially appreciate Dr. Maté's emphasis on the importance of compassion and understanding when it comes to healing. He reminds us that we are all human beings, and that we all have the capacity to heal from our wounds.
No, I don´t agree with your commend, for most of us - people over 60 years old, its to late, to heal from all that trauma - most therapists are not able to help us heal - they do love to give you any kind of false diagnose and otherwise tell you whole bunch of bs - it´s just my personal experience with lots of so called therapists. I do love to listen to Dr. Gabor Mate, but to read his books will not heal me at all.
"Why is it necessary to hurt somebody --
it's not"
Loved this talk, plan to get the book.
Thank you!!
It's not necessary. It's just that "hurt" people, hurt others. And they will continue to do so until they heal. There is just so many victims of victims.😔
Wow.. My father died of ALS and these common traits Gabor speak of made so much sense.. My father was always going out of his way to help everyone else, even when he was exhausted or even sick himself.. he was so hard on himself, pushing himself to the limit, but he never showed discontent and was always "happy", joking around and being the nicest guy on earth!❤️
I have the same traits to a degree, and I guess I have never really felt good enough, because of the impossible standards my father set.. he was my idol and the person I loved and respected more than anyone else.. he still is of course, but hopefully I can take this lesson to heart and be the nice person while still expressing healthy anger and boundaries..
Thank you so much for this enlightenment!🙏
Hi, just curious though, what about your mother? Does she often behave in a 'childish' way? Frequent displays of anger, tantrums etc? Or perhaps a more silent manipulative type?
@@human-ft3wk Only 2 options for mother's eh?
My mom was unintentionally too busy fighting for my dad's love ......... how my heart breaks when thinking back what horrible child I been, and how my heart breaks every time my mom breaks into tears with regrets and guilt...........I could never ask for a better mother. She is so beautiful, amazing humanbeing........ all her children loves her dearly. I think the most important thing a parent can do is exactly that.... whatever mistakes are made in the past are made, but when children are old enough to understand the past's mystery to be only remembered in the perception as a child, it is important to tell parent(s) how it's been and was experienced and how they felt and feel and the resentment that linger, when the parents listens... at first denial, but then acceptance, and slowly come to term and open up what truly happened...........the bond grows so unbelievably strong and understanding, how life experiences changes someone and talking about it empowers. My family has no resentment from the past left. But my mother is still suffering from it, and me too from guilt. She gets mad at me for it, I get mad at her for it. So we made a deal to make up for the lost times in the past and we live happily together ever after!
He is actually demonstrating part of what he says with his calm tone throughout the interview. The message was clear with calm.
This is one of the best conversations with Gabor mate on this platform.
Thank God for people like Gabor Mate who brings light hope and understanding in such a simple compassionate way back into the lives of the majority of people who have purposely been left ignorant and living in poverty because of the greed of the minority. His intelligence and honesty completely wiped the floor with this guy
Best interview I've ever seen! You're addressing most of the major issues in society.
In Kenya and in my village we were not just spanked. We were beaten, like thoroughly physically beaten.That was the norm no one questioned it. And worse teachers used to beat us with a kane. And then we would be shamed for crying. It was like not crying was a sign of strength. 😢 I still remember a teacher slapping me in preschool. I felt so hurt am a grown up and I still remember that experience.
I'm so sorry you experienced this trauma and cruelty.
It hurts me to hear that you and everyone else growing up there was treated so brutally. My heart goes out to. That wasn't right and no one should have to go through that.
These conversations with experts like Dr Matte help all of us to open our minds, think differently, have compassion with us and with others. And forgive❤.
I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Gabor Matè. Not only has his wisdom helped me understand and navigate my own trauma, but through his sound advice and back to the roots logic I am able to parent authentically. You are an angel of God on this earth, Dr. Matè. God bless you and your work.
He is absolutely right, I have the painful inflammation and autoimmune disorder which was an adaptation to growing up not belonging or being seen. I am so grateful to Dr. Mate for all I've learned about myself, it has changed my life. He is so wise.
It helps to work with a Counselor or Therapist, Psychotherapy, etc. I have done so off and on at crucial periods of my life, like now, I just started working with someone for the first time in years. I have found women Therapists to be the most kind, compassionate, patient and understanding. Most of the men I worked with were cold, impatient and judgemental. The woman Therapist I work with now is wonderful. Insurance covers the Counseling Sessions, I highly recommend it if you have not tried it, or haven't done it for a while, it really does help to get the emotional support and guidance through the trauma periods of life.
How has it changed your life?
me too i got also chronic sick and have chronic pain on a young age :(
Me too 😪😪
Have you figured a way to improve or cure the inflatmation and autoimmune?
Have never listened to Gabor before. What a joy to see such an optimistic at the end person amidst this crap we're in. Thanks, Gabor, thanks, Tom! Love and peace, cheers from Saint Petersburg.
I have been lost and unhapoy since my 28 y/o son died 15 months ago... lost myself when he died. ..this is not an easy ordeal to overcome on any level. I have fallen very ill since then as well. Trying very hard to find myself and my way. If you haven't lost a child , you are unable to fathom it believe me. It's a true life horror story.
I've lost a child... worst thing you'll ever go through... took me 12 years and I had no counselling, no drugs to numb me. I felt strongly that I needed to feel all the pain because that was all there was... 12 years later I decided to feel happy again I never listened to others I listened to my gut.... you'll never fully recover but I decided to live my life enjoy it and tell her about it when I see her again.. that was 2008... she died 1996.
Don't hurry don’t " pull yourself together" don't feel ashamed... this is your grief journey... take your time.
Today I feel fine... yes miss her like mad but know I'll see her later and none of us knows when our last day is... take him with you...talk of him often celebrate his birthdays, his life... keep him current... he will live in you xxxx
Apsolutly true. We can not raise loving children if we don't give them unconditional love. Thank you. Great interview
Not everyone has unconditional love
Unconditional love has healthy boundaries.
His book should be in every school, therapy office, doctor office...I could go on. I've shared so many pages with my siblings and friends. Healing is possible ❤️
My mother had RA as well as countless other illnesses, and from what you’re saying, I understand why! Her “illnesses” were the nucleus of our family and have greatly influenced
my life. I am still seeking help!