Narcissistic Parents: How They Impacted Your Career Path
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- In this video, I explore how narcissistic and dysfunctional parents have influenced your career plans and choices.
Understanding this can help you comprehend the reasons behind your career decisions and help you take steps toward a life that is truly your own.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
🔥🔥🔥 Join the 'Road to Self' Program
program.jerrywiserelationship...
🔥🔥🔥 Coaching packages
www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
🌐 More free resources available on my website: www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
➡️ Recommended Playlists: Outgrowing Dysfunctional Family Patterns - • Outgrowing Narcissisti... Break Free from Narcissistic Parents & Families - • Breaking Free from Nar... Adult Children of Alcoholics: Heal & Change the Pattern - • Alcoholic Narcissistic...
➡️ You can also find me on: Instagram: / jerrytwise Facebook: / jerrytwise Twitter: / jerrytwise Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/3DKjGLp...
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with my ‘Family Differentiation Program: 'Road to Self’. Join here>> program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
My dad prides himself on being the devil's advocate. He ALWAYS takes the opposite position. You order a hamburger? NO! You want a cheeseburger or a hotdog, idiot! His favorite song is "Sympathy for the Devil". My dad says he's(the Devil) not such a bad guy and has sympathy for him. When I asked him for sympathy, he called me a "weak little b***h". You can't make this stuff up. The insanity of it all! 🤪
I will
Make me look good but don't be so good that I get jealous and start over shadowing me.
These people are not fit to be parents. What they do is diametrically opposed to the work of parenting.
Not only your career: also your hobbies, your clothes, your friends, your spouse ... everything.
My parents never wanted to see me happy . When I was they always started with me . When I had girlfriends my mother would put them down , my friends and even when I had kids . My father when I was in my later teens and early twenties he would get mad if I was having fun going out with the guys . He would say things like “ what you think your someone special “
EVERYTHING.
Clothes!!! Yes!!! No!! But starting in 8th grade I got an allowance and I got a job and.....Mwahahahahahahahahaha!! 👚👖👗👕👙👛👜🛍👠🥿👡👢
Because you’re supposed to be focused on them at all times. The alternative is they find out your hobbies to compete with you and say,” look how much better I am than you.” Seen this too.
Narc mother chose my school clothes that she thought were appropriate for school & that meant no jeans at school & I got made fun of. So in high school when I was old enough to drive or get rides I’d pack other clothes in my backpack & change into them before school & then change back to “her” clothes before going home. My “other” clothes were nothing horrible…they were what everyone else was wearing at the time. Horrible memory
When I told my mother I had been accepted into nursing school her response was "you could kill someone". 27 years later that hasn't happened. I've saved a few.
My mother would have said something like that to me. Anything to ruin my self-confidence.
Awesome!
When I told my mom I was going to school to become a respiratory therapist she got disgusted and angry and said "I would NEVER want to be the one to give someone their LAST breath"!!!! Like yourself, I've saved a few as well.🤗
My mother called in the flying monkeys to beat me down and make sure I didn't go to Spain to get fluent because -- according to her -- she was "sure I'd get raped" (they do love to fearmonger). My plan was to go with someone SHE HAD MET AND HAD LUNCH WITH. If she was actually concerned for my safety she could have said something to HIM ... but because our culture still glorifies narcissists and puts down survivors I didn't have the language to tell her that to her face until YEARS later.
That’s so strange… my mom actually WANTED me to go into nursing but that was not in my plan. I’m now a medical coder and love my job (most days- LOL) and have a great retirement plan, etc. Of course I don’t make the money that a nurse does but I do get to work from home in my pajamas! 😂 #priorities
My mom, dad and brother are all VERY good at mocking, heckling and degrading anything and everything that I showed an interest in. They always treated me like I was the family joke.
I haven't met one male in my whole life that hadn't degraded a woman in some way.
My parents acted like I wasn't worth even guiding or helping. 😊
Same. They acted like it wasn’t their responsibility. I acted like the parent, while they acted like children.
My parents were worried about me looking better than them. Every idea I had was squashed
They were full of envy.
Hahaha my father tries to compete with me but always fails. 😂
i think i gave my mom an identity crisis because i'm naturally interested in psychology and philosophy. in elementary school i'd tell her that she was being abusive and list the ways (thanks oprah!).
My piano teacher told my father I had enough talent to audition for Juilliard. My father had been admitted to Juilliard in his day but couldn't afford to go. My father NEVER told me about it, my mother NEVER inquired about my progress -- and years later when I ran into that piano teacher in a local drugstore he asked "How come you never auditioned for Juilliard?" and he told me afterward he'd never get over my stunned face as I asked him "What do you mean? I don't know what you're talking about."
Squashed today, reborn tomorrow as their idea.
Sometimes I think they impact by showing no interest. I can't remember my mom ever saying she was proud of me. She refused to go to dinner, my treat, when I graduated university. In fact, she seemed angry. I think it was hard for her to think of me as an adult who might know a thing or two. When I finally married late in life, she really treated me negatively. I have come to believe I was acceptable to her as long as I was "less" successful than her.
In high school, I made the mistake of telling my mother I wanted to be an architect. She determined I wouldn't make it, due to my struggles in math. She decided to "help" by signing me up for tutoring. On my first (and last) day of tutoring, I discovered it was a school for special needs children. All the kids there were profoundly disabled. When she picked me up, I was furious!! She said I was over reacting - being too sensitive, and I should not be ashamed that I needed help. FLASH FORWARD: Turns out God DID have a plan for my life. ...6 years later I joined the military and became a pilot. Had a long career, retired with a pension, and am currently getting tanned and fat in my beach house. I am very grateful for what God did in my life. Thank you Lord!!
‘Getting tanned and fat’…….love it!😂
How did your mother cope with your extraordinary ability to fly aircraft?
@@SamStone1964 In public, she took great pleasure in bragging about it... as if it were a direct reflection on her parenting skills. However, when we were alone, she called me "Private Benjamin". (P.B. was a Goldie Hawn movie about a bumbling idiot who joins the Army and causes havoc everywhere she goes)
@@nonawolf7495
Was your father around?
@@SamStone1964 Dad worked all the time, and was happy to leave my mother in charge of the home. He was a great provider - but I also think he just wanted to stay out of the mother/daughter conflict.
I am a a very talented artist. From the age of 8 I was told I would be poor and inconsequential. Not just by my family but by every adult I met. They were all jealous turds. Because I desperately wanted to be loved I agreed to their terms and have lived on a shoestring my whole life. At 51 finally allowing myself to open up to making what I deserve. Be VERY careful what you say to children. I work with kids teaching arts, and teach them their potential, not their societally mposed misery and doom.
I commented part of this earlier and this is my second time replying it, but I want to share with you, too. In the car on the way to high school commencement a person who was not even a real relative asked me what I wanted to be. I said "An artist." I had planned to make my money off a day job. I caved in under pressure and went to to grad school for a desk job where you only go home to sleep, and not for long. The pay was dirt, and after you put in the time you needed to do decently and figured that in terms of hourly - it was less than minimum wage. I could barely afford groceries and once went without food for four days. Fast forward - several of my paintings sold practically by accident. This is hard to say, that rude relative after retirement, did one painting, and - so sad - died and his dreams died with him. He missed out on so much joy, and I think, potential for artistic excellence.
I'm an artist and I was neglected from my ambitions as well. I was not financially supported in any artistic endeavors by neither of my parents. So, years later I'm 24 still living at home so I decided to return to college after coming to acceptance that they would never change.
Narcissistic parents are horrible to deal with, I can't wait to move out of this home.
"you will never amount to anything" proved them wrong. Laughs on them
We didn't even have these conversations. I was told what to study in college. Honestly didn't know I should have had a choice.
Sometimes I wonder if the way I view my family is exaggerated, but then I listen to one of these videos and they are sooooo recognisable - been there, heard that - and I know I haven't been imagining things.
Opens up your eyes doesn't it.
Me too!
@@ccdm515dr abdul saad on RUclips also is great at explaining things.
Yes me too. The number of times I’ve thought it was me, or thought I’m imagining it is unreal.
Same here
I remember my mum fiercely decreeing "you're not doing art" when I was making my senior school subject choices. I used to love technical drawing of buildings, and sketching cars, and wanted to maybe become an architect. She made me study economics instead, leading to an unsuccessful career in Finance (The right answer, she was an accountant). In recent years my Mum stated she never understood why I didn't become an architect. Classic, I now know...
I am so sorry. What an awful awful person.
Infuriating. Under pressure, I chose grad school over my plan of an hourly job and doing art on the side for fun.
Same here, I was a cartoon artist and wanted to be a journalist, writer and an illustrator. Nope. Economics. I never had a chance to get a job in economics though and I kept changing jobs for 30 years. I have many skills now, I've learned so many different things to do but I belong nowhere by this day!
@@Mzd455 Would you like a couple of resource recommendations? When you said cartoon artist and journalist, it made me think of my morning pages, an exercise you may know about, because I start off writing and then wind up doing a few pages of comics. There are a couple of resources I am digging into again to find my way once more.
Same here. I'm an artist & was discouraged. Had my art thrown away through the years. Majored in economics. Senior year there was an issue & I erroneously had an unpaid bill for my Jr year. Didn't finish my degree. Today I'm an accounting technician by God's grace & making decent money. But art is my true love ❤️ and my gift! Peace to you
What about those parents that are absolutely uninterested in their childs life and never ever mentioned there is such a thing as a future for the child?
I wanted to be a pastry chef more than anything. My mother talked me out of it , telling me that I didn’t have the right personality for that. I regret it to this day. She undermined every career decision I ever had. Now I’m working a low paying job and never graduated college.
How can you become a pastry chef now?
I really hope that you're able to find a way to make your dreams come true ❤
My father always said, "well someone has to play the devil's advocate" -- like he was doing me a favor. Dead more than a year and his voice in my head still "plays the devil's advocate."
They cast long shadows.
Cursed are we with good memories and intelligence, oh well, what it takes to stay narc wise I guess! 😊 mom's still alive and well at nursing home with dementia, her words in my head too, really they love the sound of their own voices and spew out stupidities!
My narc mom still lives in my head rent free and she’s been dead six years.
@@monongahelacats ... "rent free", hahaha 😅 ... you are spot-on 🎯 !! --- perhaps humor is the best strategy to shake these monsters off of our heads ☠️ 🤬 ... please know that I relate 100% to your story, as well as to the others' above ... love from Rio de Janeiro 💙 !
Years of negative thoughts in my head from both my parents. I knew that I had to change my thought patterns. It seemed like an impossible Hill to climb. But praise Jesus, I would pray for a renewing of my mind, I started meditating and every time a negative thought popped into my head, I challenged it. Within 6 months my thought patterns changed. I'm no longer a prophet of doom and gloom. Turning 50 just gave me the confidence to make the changes.
When I was in high school, I told my mother that I wanted to get a job at the local airport or with an airline. She told me "You can not do that, you will never be able to get a job at the airport or with an airline". I did manage to get a job with an airline. Instead of being proud of what I accomplished, she was embarased. She told me years later that if a mother says that you can not accomplish something than you should not even try.
Damn wtf dude . That’s horrible . I’m glad you went out for that job despite everything . This video title hit me like a ton of bricks , I completely relate . It’s a very all encompassing manipulative tactic , I’m truly sorry you experienced that or are still . Wish you the best .
You cannot make this stuff up.
The exact same thing happened to me. I enlisted in the Marines I had to wait several months before I shipped out and would attend weekly workout sessions at the Recruiters office to prepare for Boot Camp. She was annoyed every time I went down to the Recruiters Office. My mother told me the following : "You're not a real Marine, you're just a pretend Marine" and my favorite "You're too weak to ever be a Marine". I will never forgive her for saying that.
Can't win for trying 🤷, I did work at my career and when I became a stay at home mom, mom accused me of not having a degree as I'd never shown her, "You're not interested!" I replied, then sent her an immediate pic! 9 yrs of paying my student loan I'm pretty sure I got a degree out of it, anything to argue/put us down!
Wow 😢
I didn’t join the family business and suffered the bombardment of guilt trips. I was the first person in my family to go to university which my parents had no interest in. I went on to qualify as a lawyer and I’m a child and adult protection lawyer for social services. Probably says it all.
How wonderful are you! My son now dies well but at 15 put himself in the physch ward to get out of exams, when I wasn't on board to medicate him they called child protection on me, so glad when we both (parents and son) got lawyers, many delays and my son finally ate teen but the lawyers were a little sanity in a crazy situation! My parents never congradulated me on my degree what a surprise! ❤😊
She wanted a “mini me”.
“You won’t make a lot of money doing that”. No matter how many times I told them what I wanted to do, I got that response. Thank goodness my aunt had a talk with me after high school, and she inspired me to be a nurse. 30 years later, I am so thankful she encouraged me when I wanted to go into nursing.
❤️❤️
From a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher. Both my parents said NO. That there was not enough money in teaching. My mother pushed for my Brother to study medicine and me to study law. My father happily backed her at the time but now says it was all her. They both wanted financially successful and prominent children to make themselves look good. Our life was a facade.
My parents gave no thought at all to my future. My mother did office work and hated it, so that was also automatically good enough for me. As a female, it wasn't important that have any sort of career. As a result I struggled quite a bit to make a decent income during the years that I was single.
Two things my father couldn't do: Electricity and refrigeration. Today I an an electronics engineer, which means I design circuits, and I have my State Certification in HVAC.
Congratulations Chuck! That’s awesome. All the best to you.
@@estherann7407 It was all motivated by a desire to be as different from him as I could be.
My mom was the one that would constantly scare me with her negative predictions.
I almost flunked out of high school and university because of her fearmongering.
My mother wanted me to go to a music conservatory, (I play piano guitar, flute) then she decided for me to become a legal secretary as my brother was in law school so I could work for him (golden child). When I interviewed at an Attorneys Office for an apprenticeship (Germany), she did all the talking and lied and lied and lied. My forte was numbers, I wanted to do accounting. I was forced by her into the apprenticeship and later walked away. Later on I fulfilled my dream. ACCOUNTING! When I think about all of her crap, my head spins!
Absolutely. Many people have commented that I would have made a good lawyer or professor, but I always believed I couldn't do that, because I grew up believing that I was stupid and incompetent.
I hear that. I was told my whole life that I just wasn't that bright especially in comparison to my older siblings. I still believe that to this day. It's such a struggle. 😢
When I was high school age, my narc mother asked me, “would you become a nun”? My immediate answer was No.
I thought it odd she didn’t say something like, have you ever considered going to the convent or you’re such a good Catholic girl, why don’t you pray about becoming a nun. And why didn’t she? Because it had nothing to do with a God given vocation or calling, it had nothing to do with me, it was all about her image and looking good. She was demented, lived to over 100 years and hated me every day of her life.
The worst thing is that if you were truly called to the religious life, she would have done the evil ones work to keep you away. This is why the church teaches that you do not at all pressure or coerce your children as to their vocations. That’s something God decides, not them.
Me, sitting here, cut off contact with my whole family 1 1/2 years ago and quit my job 8 months ago - and don't know what to do with my life. Both my narcissistic parents never took an interest in me, told me after school that I wasn't allowed to think about what I wanted to do. So when I started studying business at my own expense a few weeks later, I HAD to succeed. Of course, because of the financial abuse, money anxiety always resonates with career decisions. It's so important that you brought up this topic today, Jerry. I'm going to do the imagination now and imagine that I'm only making decisions for myself, without thinking about what others think.
"My name is Jerry Wise and I'm going to wear the most dope shirt ever and not even mention where I got it"
No lie, that's a sweet shirt.
Paul Fredericks Shirts. I love them. LOL
that’s a smart and subtle way to ask someone about where they got whatever they have from 😃
@yourpt7161 haha my intention was just for a laugh but you are probably right!
It is an awesome shirt.Stylish & wise....This guy has it all😄👍🏻.
I didn’t even realize how incredible the shirt was until I read your comment. It reminds me of the black scratch papers that have a beautiful rainbow color underneath it. Too cool.
What a great topic! I really think there is a whole side to careers and narcissist parents that tends to be very covert and overlooked. And that's kind of opposide of the parent who pushed their child into a career with money and prestige. It's the parents who don't encourage any kind of independence in their children. They WANT their children broke and living at home well into adulthood. And I learned the answer to why parents do this in another video from you.
You said "They want the version of you that gives them the most control". And it is so true. Narcissist mothers are notorious for doing this to their sons. They will make him comfortable with no responsiblilites in the house, allow him to work just a minimum wage job so he has enough money for spending, but he's completely financially dependent on them. If she's a single mother, he becomes what they call a "sonsband". He becomes the man of the house. He could be in his 30s or 40s and never left home. She uses him to keep her company and be the man in her life and the trade off is he doesn't have to work or pursue a career or pay any bills.
My parents both did this to me. They made me feel like wanting any kind of independence was hurting them. So I was discouraged from doing anything that would have made me leave home. These types of narcs are kind of the opposite from the narc who wants their kids successful so they have something to brag about. These narcs know the easiest way to have control over an adult child is to keep them financially dependent on the parent. So many people feel like they are a loser or just lazy and that's why they are 10 years behind their peers. But it's very likely there has been a narc parent pulling the strings, brainwashing them into not becoming indpedendent. Narcs have zero shame in using their own children for their emotional needs.
Sounds like we’ve, unfortunately, lived similar lives. I was used as a scapegoat in my family & it wasn’t until I met my husband that I got any positive attention from them. But, my husband ended being useful to them & that was the only reason I was finally getting positive attention from them. He is an attorney. They saw $ signs. My husband was in debt when I met him. He had no financial help through college & law school from his family. Had to do it all on his own. But they were so ignorant & figured that paying off all the loans would be easy peasy 😂🙄. But WE did it all by ourselves & proud of that. My mom had bragging rights. Look at my daughter she married a lawyer. Through the years what a convenience for them. Had no problems calling my husband every time they had a problem. Free legal advice. But whenever we needed help with their grandchildren we were made to feel like we were inconveniencing them so much. One way street & I’m so done traveling on the one way road.
This is gold and hilarious because I was "planned" for to be a doctor or lawyer, otherwise, I would be "useless", in father's words. The machiavellian mechanisms used to force that option were plenty. Its was funny to hear Jerry here because it made me feel as if he was a fly in my household, he is saying exactly what father did.
As a kid, teenager and young adult I could NEVER do anything I was interested in, I was always forced to do things I hated. I look back on those years and I was so miserable, I didn't feel like a person just a thing. My mother told me I was going to college before I was old enough to know what college is. When it was time for me to start applying for schools, I had to do all of that on my own. When I got into to college my mother waited until all the deadlines had passed to tell me she never submitted her portion of my financial aid. She told me I was too dumb for college, and I was too dumb to live my life and make decisions for myself, that she needed to make decisions for me. She told me that the biggest reason our relationship was messed up was because I was a horrible daughter because I was always trying to use my free will. She said she didn't have me to live my own life. She had me to serve her and to take care of her, even at 39.
Oh my gosh! How horrible. Actually evil. I am so sorry. 😞
🙏
@@kitcat9214 Thanks for the support. A lot of therapy later and I'm doing a lot better. THX!!!!
Wow, I am sorry she said those things to you.
@@NikD215 A lot of therapy later. Yeah, me too. 💕
I truly hope that you have freed yourself from such a person. I've had no contact with my mother for 15 years and 'manage' my father under my terms.
When a job offer fell through around 4 years ago (company with a questionable hiring process), my narc dad never again asked me about my job seeking efforts. He was aware I was job hunting bc I was still talking to my mom about it. But he never asked about it. He honestly DGAF. Now I'm NC with them both (2.5 yrs NC with my dad, 3 months NC with my mom). Feeling much better now.
My dad got incredibly angry the day I stopped studying law after the first year. He had signed me in at the university (without my consent), and he had figured out that I could become the youngest lawyer ever in my country (Denmark). I’m not sure he ever forgave me not fulfilling his plans for me.
Ha ha,I dropped out of istory and english to start hairdresser trainings in Alicante, which was great fun. Loved it. My mother shamed me constantly and I ended up dropping out of her plan for me and then also 😮 dropping out of *my* plan for me. She did it all with with silences, facial expressions and cold shouldering.
Same only medical school overseas......I quit!!!
omg ... stories so similar to mine ☠️ ... I was also shamed out of things I loved 😢 ... And forced like a slave into others I didn't ... The amount of damage is irreparable ... 💔 ... Almost cannot believe this tragedy happens worldwide in sheer scale.
The insanity of not forgiving someone doesn't do as you say and submit their entire life to your will.
My father hated me for not going to college and becoming a hairstylist instead of a teacher. Then he tried to make my brother a teacher and lost him 1 year of college and 10k by switching to a career and school HE wanted!!!! I was a hairstylist since 1996 and I wanted that since I was little.
Yes, my parents demanded that I earn grades that made them look good.
i have no idea. lifes been a weird blur of strange experiences angry thoughts and poor interactions for as long as i can remember.
I have gone through all of these with my folks I can write a book about how my parents actively tried to sabotage me in my career and education. Now they want to take credit for the results.
Classic narc move - cast doubt on your abilities, then gobble up the credit when you succeed in spite of them.
@@nonawolf7495 that's my mom. My dad still throws shade. I'm very successful in my career field but he still laments how I could have been better by becoming a famous Hollywood Actor. His unrealistic expectation is beyond delusional. He also says he doesn't agree with my life choices such as joining the military right out of High School. The GI Bill is what paid for my college and set me on my current career path. He didn't contribute a single dime to my education and even tried to eff me over during it.
@@eq2092 Narcs hate it when you eclipse them. Military was a smart move - many thanks for your service, my brother! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
"What's the point of you getting an education if you're not going to use it." The words of my narc dad. He said this despite the fact that I have a good job and never ask for money or anything. He was not interested in my college education, didn't help me pay for one book, didn't check up on me (I was 5 minutes away from where he worked, 15 min. from his house). My mother drove over an hour to help me move in and out of the dorms each semester and attend ceremonies. He didn't pay for my education or even bother to come to either graduation (BS and MA) because he couldn't get his hair done. I hid my degrees for years out of shame and hearing his voice in my head. It's wild how someone else can have that much influence over you.
I‘m so sorry you went through this! I hope that by now you know what a great person you are and can be proud of yourself! My dad also never asked about what I was studying - he just didn’t care. When I finished my MA I picked my stuff and went to South America. While I was away, he kept telling people that he didn't know whether I'd finished university - after all, I'd never shown him my certificate (not that he'd asked for it) and he could well imagine that I'd just dropped everything. I'm just that kind of person and he wouldn't put it past me. A few years later, he told me that I couldn't do anything except sit stupidly in front of a computer. That it wasn't work. He was a truck driver and at that time I was already earning twice as much with my "stupid" work as he was. Disgusting, envious and begrudging people.
@@justwatching1985 Thank you so much for such kind words. I hope you're proud of everything you have been able to accomplish and know that your life is only going to get better. Your father is really missing out on seeing your growth! I wish you the very best!❤
Thank you for your kind words! I can say the same back to you. Always remember that you have made it this far because of your strength and that you can accomplish anything in life! Lots of love for you ❤
@@justwatching1985 they can be so jealous of accomplishments and it bothers them we don't need to grovel to them because we earn more money.
I also wish that my parents hadn't had so much influence on me. My dad was completely uninterested in helping me succeed academically. Mom manipulated me into switching majors multiple times during my college years.
Why being nothing feeds them. Maybe so they can play the savior hero role in their life.
It's because they compete with their children. They have to be "better than us", more successful, finish school fastest. They have fragile egos that can be crushed at every turn.
Narcs like to feel needed... your success and independence is a threat to that fantasy.
Yeah, another memory unlocked: i struggled with some classes in my undergrad while I majored in electrical engineering and even failed physics. My mother said to me after she saw my report card that I was a failure and wasn't going to succeed. That was when I was struggling the worst at that time with depression and a whole lot of things. She didn't even want me to be an engineer: she wanted me to be a doctor! 😂
I am sorry your mother said what she did. I learned late in life that most successful people are successful that didn't give up. If they failed physics they would back up to classes before the one they failed; they would consult with their professor and get advice on where they needed more training; they would use the campus tutors; they not give up. I spoke to a math professor who told me he struggles his first three years in college as a math major and then in his senior year something clicked. Now he teaches college math. That short story did more to inspire than any other. Don't tell you mom what you are doing. Believe in yourself. Associate with other students and form study groups. You can do it. Find an older man to be a mentor. (Maybe I should not be sexist; maybe a woman will mentor you.) Write Ben Carson and get advice from. Hope that isn't racist, but he is a great man and I see you are black. Don't get down if he doesn't answer. Keep asking until someone shows they care. I wish you all the best. My husband was an engineer and black kids never applied. We need you.
💯 truth. Happened to me by narc mother and brother when I pursed my bachelor's degree online during pandemic with my money which I saved from my work. They took the money and gave all possible troubles to stop my degree. But GOD'S grace I completed.
That video explain exactly my lost teenage years to a career imposed by my family as well as the sabotage of my plans to open my own business and be free of the slavery of the corporate world.
I was the most talented as a writer in my school education, and I was a cartoon artist, whatnot, I was just so inspired and good at it, praised by my teachers. My parents didn't let me go to any school that I would be interested in. They sent me to business school and college. To be a book keeper or so and work in the office. Cook coffee for some boss and get married if possible. I was an A student but the effort to learn something that is not my interest and it was hard, especially math, statistics and so on... drained me with stress. Guess what. In a corrupted society where you can only get a job if you bribe someone, and office jobs were the most wanted. I never got a job. I ended up self educating and I was quite a successful fashion designer, but in that society, I had a horrific burden of taxes, and people could not afford to pay much. I ended up in the USA and for 10 years I was a nanny, dog walker and a house manager. I sew here and there but have no time and I'm always tired. Yes, I believe my parents ruined my path. If I went at least to a different college, something connected with my interests, I would blossom. I would love my work. I would meet similar people. I would never have to leave my country just to get away from my life. I was so unhappy. At least I still make a living, and I'm happy as I had lots of challenges and still made it, no one helped me and I've learned to live in a different language. I'm a confident and happy person speaking English.
But when I'm angry or frustrated, I use my native Croatian.
And it's so hard to talk to my mom or any family and not to get upset. They never changed. They won't listen to anything I have to say. I'm still full of triggers, at the age of 49, even though I had help from behavior analysts and psychiatrists
Yes my mother had a plan for me- get a college degree in accounting then get my MIM Masters in International Management at Thunderbird academy.
How could I go down this trajectory when she had beaten down my self esteem and made me insecure. I was so shy I never raised my hand in class.
She did not want me to be a nurse like herself.
When I went to college and discovered that I wanted to be a psychologist she said she wouldn’t pay for it.
I never thought I could get student loans and pay for it.
I hated accounting and instead compromised and got my degree in Finance. I did not want to get my MIM
So I eloped w a pre med student . At least she was happy I was married to a doctor. Never mind he was an abusive narc always.
Now I see it was all about her ego to brag.
I divorced him after 14 years of marriage.
To this day I am not secure about myself despite writing a published book.
watching your videos is so validating. i've been working on identifying my interests, and things are slowly popping up. a few days ago i realized that throughout my life i've shown interest in social sciences and humanities BUT i wasn't allowed to explore them or even talk about them because they gave my mom an identity crisis. she pushed me into a career that was a horrible fit, and used fear tactics to keep me there. my happiness has never been important to her.
Yessssssssssssssss my mom told me I wasn’t going be nothing Ptove her wrong
me too i guess i was supposed to be a housewife like her and unhappy
It is so sad for me to listen to this video as all of the points you mentioned applies to me. I wanted to become a fashion designer but was told that I can't draw by my mom. When I did any artwork or creative endeavor, my dad told me that I'm wasting my time. Great encouragement.
My mother wanted me to be a model and I didn't care to be one.
My father wanted me to be an airline stewardess. I really liked art since I was a child and went to a college in Canada.
My maternal grandmother never liked me and I never liked her or my grandfather. But a few years after my grandmother's death I visited my grandfather and he was a changed man. He was sweet, nice, had a softness to him I never encountered before.
At that time I thought it was because he was older and wiser, but looking back with my insight on relationships and narcissism as my binoculars, I think his personality was influenced by my grandmother.
It's so sad that the death of someone brings peace and joy.
My own mother's death made my life better and every day I work to not be the third strike in this family and to have an open and loving relationship with my kids.
Interestingly, I didnt have this problem bc my narc stepmom just wanted me out of the house at 18. She did say "women can get married, only men need college"--i am certain she wanted to see me homeless or a prostitute. She wanted me to fail.
My older sister was supposed to be a pharmacist. It's annoying and belittling.
I grew up constantly hearing "you'll look after me when I'm old won't you" . I felt as if I was responsible for her not the other way around. 🙈🙊🙉
My senior year in high school I received about two dozen letters from colleges interested in me to become a student athlete for football and wrestling. Several days after I graduated those letters got stolen. Back then when I realized the letters were gone I immediately thought of my mom. Fast forward...decades later I discover my mom, the ring leader talked members of my family to consistently visit the local sheriffs department and tell them lies to get me indicted and sent to prison. God only knows what they actually lied about.
Yes, so so true: they have been horrible in every single way and they still expect you to look after them when they need you, according to them, you have no rights whatsoever, and you must give up on all your dreams n wishes... So terribly sad...
My mom was a preacher she took me out of school when I was a kid for months at a time and I played guitar at her services. When I got into high school I decided to make music a career and prepare for college. She actually had the pastor pray over me that God would turn off my desire for music. 50 years later I'm a professor with a masters degree and multiple Decades of teaching and performing . And she's in the ground
All of these hit way too close to home. Never fails to amaze how you can basically do anything you want, as long as it doesn't make you happy or line up with the meaning of your life.
Yeah.
Exactly
I grew up having to move around to different states because my parents’ careers (the “family career”). The moves in and of themselves were traumatic, as they caused me to become more dependent on my narc parents, at developmental stages when most of my peers were becoming less dependent on their parents. My dad ended up teaching at a college, and persuaded me to take his major at the college. By that point in my life, I was extremely confused about my identity, and had no idea who I was, so I did what he told me to. He was one of my main professors in college. After college, my parents had me work in different settings as an assistant to my mom. I’ve lived in their shadow my entire life, and they put a lot of pressure on me to make them look good. They’ve “invested” so much in making me an extension of themselves, that doing anything else would be totally offensive to them. (I know that people here will tell me that I just need to take a stand and break away, but I’m forced to live with them because of my own Chronic health issues, so I’m basically stuck.)
If you got away your health issues would be allowed to heal. So many narc's adult children are sick.
@@autumnpendergast9151 I know, but right now, I am too sick to get away. I don't have the financial resources to live on while I wait to get better.
😢
@@janeylynn5934 I bet with some research and resiliency you could find support to get out. We make our contracts, we must admit this to ourselves, it is a really huge (and hard) part of healing. It sounds like tough love, because it is. I have been chrinically ill most of my life so I'm not talking crap, I have done it, and it took a lot of courage. You CAN get out. You CAN heal.
So many of us are in horrible health. Prayers 🙏❤️
I only see positives in this. I see narcist parent ignoring their children, not helping at all. Narcists are so focused on their own passions that children are an afterthought.
Narc prents are manipulative and actually focused only on themselves. That's what Jerry is describing here. Any interest and effort is only for their benefit, regardless of what the adult child wants or feels. Thats really harmful to the adult child of the narc.
I was also told that I was "wasting my life" by joining the Peace Corps. I went anyways. Then they bragged about it later. Giess they found out that other people thought it was worthwhile.
Mine bragged like crazy - after my art sold. I appreciated the moral support. Coulda used that earlier.
What’s annoying is having two no three! Messed up parents. I am still learning how to parent myself. I have many detailed examples of these things but in too good of a place to want to write it out at the moment 😂❤🎉. This info is very validating in many cases.
I started playing guitar at 15 and became obsessed, my parents sat me down on several occasions and my dad said " you sit in your room playing your guitar thinking you'll be a famous musician one day, you think you're a winner. You're not a winner you're a loser, music is a waste of time".
Wow!! How can a parent say that to a child?!
I kept playing all this time (30 years) and have been teaching myself the cello for 12 years. My mum STILL tries to get me to stop playing music!? (My dad NEVER mentions it).
Recently went no contact, I've had enough.
Thanks so much for these videos 😊
My Dad is an HVAC contractor. I really didn't have a choice in my career. I left our "family" company at age 47. I am 50 now and have been no contact with my parents for almost 3 years now.
I'm an artistic, creative type (I'm a writer, and I have a blog, 'Infinite Ocean'), but my dad wanted me to get into business (back in 1988), which I'm not at all suited for. My (probably malignant narc) mom was worse: when I was a teen, she told me that I'm good at things that don't make money.
Narc mother’s advice? How about this one…”I’m not going to teach you how to cook. You need to find & marry a rich man so that he can afford to take you out to nice dinners”
Yes she really said that! No I did not marry a rich man & at 55 years old I’m just now starting to embrace what I truly love doing & finally moving in that direction. And I’ve been final no contact for over a year!
Thank you Jerry.
You're welcome!
Sometimes grandparents can be influencing your career choices too!... Thanks for the upload Jerry.
I planned to get an hourly day job so I could do creative hobbies on the side. I was told by a relative I would starve. (Uh, hourly day job! Hello?) As a grad student, I worked any and all hours, could hardly afford groceries for years, and once went without food for four days. Years later, it turned out my creative work was bringing in some money.
I was thinking about exactly this recently. Def in my younger years (early college etc), it was so bad that I was totally out of touch with my own interests and desires. It was rather like they could barely whisper at me and got so quickly shot down within me. I was more or less just on their robot auto pilot trajectory. By the time I saw that, it was far too late to go back. Of course now I can make a new plan, but that past one is already gone.
Now I just remember loving my economics classes but I told myself it “should be” accounting Bcuz that gets you a solid job. But as per my sad mental/emotional state, I couldn’t make very much of my accounting degree anyways. And the further I went with it (passing CPA exam etc) the more I felt like I was in over my head and just drowning. Overwhelmed. But as it goes I was pretty good at it, and somewhat enjoyed it for awhile, but I kept getting abused at work so that didn’t work either and it soured my outlook. So I went to the fringes lol. As if I didn’t even have any degree at all. Waiting tables. Hotel clerk. Retail. Etc. And of course the idiot fam biz also. And it’s crazy really seeing that I could “retire” in as little as a decade but it’s more like retire from what? And not with a lot or a super nice nest egg. There really IS no “career” to speak of. Can’t even relate (and I get mad also) when I see these folks around my age talking about their career and investments and 401ks and so on. I get mad Bcuz I was cheated of things like that and as life rolls on the nasty gift they gave us just seems to keep on giving no matter how much you try to outrun it or play catch-up.
Forced into Nursing, for which I had no natural aptitude, and for which I was not temperamentally suited; my strengths were the arts, language, history and other right-brain areas. My mother wrote in my baby book, “wants to be a nurse”… I was three. I suspect that she wanted to compete with her sister by proxy, and also to secure a future caregiver for herself. With Divine Grace, I became, technically, a very good nurse, but at tremendous personal psychological cost.
Your story is my story. I loved music, I took piano lessons for 10 years while in high school ( I paid for them myself). I also was part of the music program in high school, as a percussionist. I also loved children, I wanted to introduce children from babies on up to music. My father refused to listen to my plan about going to college to become a music therapist. I would never have a job, who would hire me. I went to nursing school, I hated it!! The academic pressure made me so anxious, never mind doing clinical rotations. My hair felt out, I had eczema, developed anorexia, the havoc of taking on a career to please your parents isn’t worth it. I did graduate from nursing school, used those skills to work in the medical field. I never felt like I belonged, had several jobs but never had any job satisfaction.
Yes, I am grateful that I always had a good paying job. I did the very best I could caring for my patients. I hated going to work, I would have rather pursued a career that I had passion for, making less money but being true to myself.
Like this comment if you were also an artistic kid and got told you wouldn't make it out there making art 👇
Me!
the key is that they can be happy with their choices.
"You don't want to do that!?!" "That's so weird. Why do you like that?"
Lots of undermining my confidence in myself. And then when I'd struggle, "You're so great, I don't know why you're not more confident in yourself!"
The emotional whiplash was intense.
My autonomy and independence is denied constantly by my narcissistic mother. I going in the ARC program to discover more myself that was lost being in toxic environment and slowly learn to more independent living.
Some of them are so neglectful or feel like they are in competition with their kids and they will only impact your career by convincing you that you are trash.
At 60, I would love to explore those excellent questions/suggestions Jerry. Thank you as always 🙏🩷✅
You are so welcome, it’s never too late
My narc parents didn’t want me to be the best and brightest. They seemed to actually want me to be mediocre. Their one rule was that I absolutely had to get a college degree in something. Anything. If I didn’t go to college, then I wasn’t a worthwhile person.
Instead of steering me toward a job in business management, which I was beginning to study, they talked me into a liberal arts program, which my University wasn’t even known for.
Now I have a useless degree, and I’m 53.
My parents just undermined everything.
That's probably why my Mom decided to pay for my A+ certification and GIVE me a car worth $15,000 at the time, to make herself look good and expect me to continue to be controlled by her. As if I'd always be in her "corner" so to speak
When I wanted to move to a big city for a great job opportunity my father told me “what about your bills, you’re not going to know how to get those switched over to a new address”, despite the fact I was 35 and had moved 4 times previously.
In high school I wanted to be a lawyer. I became an engineer instead due to my narcissistic father. As an engineer, I stood my ground honorably (IX-XI), was mobbed, sabotaged, defamed, arrested, jailed, committed, surveilled, harassed, I wound up a maintenance mechanic. I could hardly believe how incompetent the lawyers were. I don't think any of them had ever read the Constitution.
Oh wow. This is for real the worst. I was told I would get married and have children and could dabble in my creative interests. I haven't done any of that. I moved to New York City and put myself through college late in life (all the while my parents tore down my decision) and now work in HR and love singing in a choir and writing. I have never felt more satisfied in life.
Thank you so much for this great topic! When my toxic family suddenly disappeared (parents divorced and moved far away), I was suddenly able to leave medical school and pursue a career that interested me!
This!
Some Nparents are so bad that even among “prestigious” careers, you MUST choose what they want you to be.
I was always drawn to technology, math, and computers, so pursuing a CS degree was no shock to anyone-except my mother.
“No,”- she said -” it is doctor, or you leave this house with what you have on you now, and you no daughter to me.”
I said I would become a coroner. Where I live, they have all the medical qualifications and necessary training.
Mom said that she wouldn't let me cut dead people and come home smelling of that.
“Oh, Lord! If there was ANYTHING else I wanted to do, Mother!”
This is how I got into IT, and I am working in the industry for 5-ish years.
The thing is: mother was and still is pissed I didn't become a doctor.
For her, the fact I’m a successful and respected professional in my field is a spat to the face.
It's about you disobeying them, and thus you are in the wrong. It is never about you or what's best for you.
My parents didn't even buy me senior pictures. Theu were too expensive. Yet drugs and alcohol weren't. My parents dont want me to have a future.
Realized some of this and knew I wasn't going crazy, this stuff runs deep in my family... sad and scary
Wonderful video
Thank you! Cheers!
I became a prodigious artist pursuing the approval of our mother. I won scholarships to college but faced Mom's envious backbiting and roadblocks because her golden children couldn't get into school. Though Dad's income was easily in the top 1%, she complained if he even talked about supporting me in school. Because of my parents' status, I couldn't even obtain loans for college so, after three years of doing without, I finally quit school. The privations our mother provoked were terrible!
As I developed a professional career, I had many successes that meant more than simply "making money", so Mom made big scenes among family and friends denigrating me for doing the right thing, rather than exploiting the situations to get rich.
No matter what, Mom reliably demanded control and denigrated accomplishments. It was crazy being around her, so I eventually walked away.
Thank you.
Oh yes! This is the family cult. This is my dad and paternal grandmother “to a T.”
Wanted to be a wildland firefighter. Started by getting my EMT license. My narc dad told me “that’s a waste of money, that would be better spent on band equipment for my band.” lol. What?? Anyway, I ignored him and now I am a chief officer and have had an absolutely amazing career with great pay and benefits. So glad I ignored him that day. Now he is constantly jealous of my brother and I that got out of the toxic household. They’ve cut us off because we won’t play the game. It’s been so relieving to not have to constantly dread “managing” them.
My parents CHOSE my career!! 😢 I still don't know what I was really interested in. I'm 61. And...I had to get straight A's, had to be an overachiever and that is so not what I was. Am. I thought I would implode.......😵
This worries me so much. My 2 granddaughters were adopted by my great nephew and his wife after my daughter was murdered. These people put on such a fake facade to me. Both of these people are narcissistic. They have totally got me out of the grandbabies lives.
Eeerrr was told I wasn't uni material so I got a student loan and college degree instead, started at 25 (meaning I graduated at 28) no less seeing what my life would be like without a degree, that work?
I never became what I wanted to be. That is why a person has to leave these parental systems as soon as possible.
I wanted to be a teacher ....my father told me i was too lazy and that he wouldnt help me with school. Im from the UK where nursing school is "free". Thats where i was told to go....and I've had a lifetime of misery in the extraordinarily abusive field of nursing.
I'm hearing other survivors comments and resonating so much. I'm so sorry to everyone. Parents with a narcissistic personality style unequivocally don't want their children to surpass them! As a teen in the 80s, I loved science, code, languages and had a fascination with the way modern technology was facilitating global communication. There was already a societal lean towards STEM subjects being male dominate. For a number of years I explored going in the Navy as a comms tech linguist or radio operator. But every time I took a step closer, my dad would close me down. Telling me I'd need to be a special breed of person (like he was) to do that. Telling me I wouldn't be able to take the pressure. Telling me I was a pipe dreamer, and that medioker people like me don't get to have carers like that. Constantly telling me I *wasn't good enough* to do that. And when I went to night school to get the right qualifications, they laughed at me, saying 'how long til you give that up because you know you will'. So I thought I was just a pipe dreamer and gave it up. I recognise they are hurt and unwell. But the life they take away from us is plain cruel, cruel, cruel.
I wanted to be a primary school teacher. Got told to leave school at 17 because I would never achieve anything. I was told I was stupid, not going to make anything of myself. According to my brother I would end up alone on a benefit for life. I pushed into a course that was a fake teaching course for ece by my father. They blamed me for being in the course, leaving school, and struggling. Of course I didn't choose this, I was bullied, harassed and threatened with being homeless constantly but to them - they were the ones with all power and money. Turned out I loved teaching preschool, so instead I wasn't a teacher to them I was just a glorified babysitter with no potential for life according to parents. I eventually did actual training myself without their help. Paid all my student loans off myself. My Dad finally said he was proud of my efforts just before he died. I did this with support from the family I chose myself instead.