How Narcissistic Parents Instilled Deep-Rooted Guilt & Shame in You
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- In this video, I talk about the ways in which your narcissistic parents instilled deep-seated guilt and shame in you.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Disciplined with a belt... back in the day.
Fear came easily...
Jerry. I need a video on how to self soothe as a codependent. I know you mentioned narcissists don't know how to self soothe...well neither do us codependents and that inability has really caused me to make poor decisions and to not be able to change my behaviors that I know are dysfunctional because I am unable to self soothe my anxiety and pinging ..alone. I would really appreciate some tips on how to do this during moments of conflict, distress and anxiety.
I was trained to be other focused. I became a people pleaser. I married a narcissist. I self isolated. I started prioritizing myself. Energy levels are up. Feeling better. I see and recognize it now. Knowledge is power.
Exact same scenario for me. Both parents were narcs, I was a total people pleaser, never saying no to any request asked of me so was overscheduled. Easily triggered, constantly anxious, nail biter, married young to a controlling, jealous jerk for 25 years. Finally at 62 know what the issues are and have gone no contact, non verbal communication with my brothers and their wives, and their grown children. Now 63 healing my self.
Am 62 here also. Best to all, appreciate which you shared in your comments - and let's keep moving forward with clarity! Be well
Same here. I went from narc father to narc husband. On MG path to getting away now. Can't wait to get to know myself!!❤
@@joycleckley2881Thank you for your comment. I RELATE! Check, check, and check. Lip picker here instead of nail biter (shame) but very happy now after EMDR & other help. Like here. What a journey. ❤
I also married a Narcissist who was my x husband since both of my parents are Narcissists. I was brave to get out of my marriage and I got a divorce from my x husband
When your leave the Narcissists alone and be selfish and think of yourself.... and show you don't care anymore... then they accuse you of being narcissistic.
Simple necessary self-care is deemed "selfish" by these wack-jobs because it doesn't involve them🤢🙄.
They call it selfish we call it boundaries
Maybe. I could not gave a rat's ars what the narcissistic people think that I went no with. I'm free of them.
Yep, this is my mom and also my soon to be ex wife. I'm a lot better now on my journey
@@philipramsden4975 you have everything to give and yet they appreciate nothing. Your purpose is being revealed - you are a chosen one. 😇
At 51, listening to my father belittle me for the 20,000th time, had an epiphany that he was never going to be non-toxic. Haven't spoken since.
I’m 42 and in the same position with my father. He’s been spiraling the last couple years since I stopped capitulating to all his bizarre demands. He’s constantly trying to tell me I’ve changed and something wrong with me and when I inquire “what is it that’s wrong with me, exactly” he literally pointed his finger at me and said “that right there”.
I'm 30. My dad, aunt, and uncle are all in their 50s. I never knew my paternal grandfather, and my aunt and dad haven't spoken to him in decades. My uncle tried maintaining a relationship with him but finally gave up a few years ago. It's devastating to see what damage my grandfather caused. That entire generation - my dad, aunt, and uncle - are very damaged people. No one ever really talked about my grandfather. For a long time I assumed physical abuse. But the more I learn, the more it seems that it was all emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, and false hurtful allegations. It's insane the damage a father can do with merely his tongue.
The grades… I could’ve had an ocean of A’s but that one C is the only grade that was talked about. 😢 No wonder I’m a perfectionist.
I was in college when i got my first C.
My parents sat me down before I even got my first report card (at age 6) and threatened me with: "We don't like C's." Then they laughed at my perfectionistic tendencies.
same
I got a A in music, and instead of congratulations, I got blamed for it not being enough, like, I'm the one grading myself! 🙄😬
@@helenmorgan7767 First C in college - did you feel devastated or liberated?
This is why kids rebel and swear so much. So much confusion with family.
Yep. And then the narc and her worshipful idiots use your rebellion to their insanity as "proof" that YOU are the problem. And the lifelong, behind your back, smear campaign begins....
I got Grade A in my English Literature A Level in ONLY 8 MONTHS! My NPD mother when I excitedly told her hoping for praise said "You'll be pleased with that then will you?"
Thats one example of a lifetime of living a life like this. Shes systematically destroyed me. I'm 48, no contact for 8 years, but I'm unwell all the time. Health ruined.
Great video 🇬🇧
Well, you need to eat healthy, and I'd suggest you do some fasts, get your body used to fasting, and prolonged water fasting.
You are lucky, could leave her , at least your old age will be safe
@@samchalohana4423 yes, that's kind, thank you ❤
Wow, Jerry, just WOW. I watched this twice, to make sure I really digest this message. You know, I was once lamenting to a friend about how terrible I was feeling about not doing enough - or rather, not being ABLE to do more than I was already doing, for my ailing mother. It was her words that led me to realizing the insanity I had been living under for 50 years, "Mary, listen to yourself - do you realize how many times you've said 'I feel bad' in the five minutes we've been standing here? You have NOTHING to feel bad about!". That is when I found you, Jerry, and your channel has changed my life. Thank you.🥰
My sibling threw all family photos in the garbage and only kept her family photos to keep in my mother possession to show mother that she is the only one that is the good kid in the family. Sibling can be narcissistic just as much as parents. Mother used to blame me for not talking much and told me that if I don't talk she was going to stop the car and I would get out and walk on the highway. Shame and guilt was normal for her. Punishment was to the extreme when I was a child. Washing all the floors by hand on my knees, staying in the house for the whole summer - 3 months was a common punishment. I was always the bad child because I never visited mother as much as she wanted or stayed on the visit for what she called a good visit. If wanted to stayed 3 hours, she wanted 6 hours or overnight visits. It was never enough for her. I now live in different state than family and never been happier.
Congratulations on your freedom!❤
My mother and father had no shame outwardly. They just projected it on to me. (Scapegoat)
I had the very same thing happen to me ,I have vanished from them all ......
God forbid if I admit to my narc mother that i'm dead tired, she will jump into the olympics of "back in my day", "your life is easy compare to..." so when she calls me on the phone i keep the conversion VERY short.
It took me 66 years to figure it all out. My mother was a narcissistic sociopath. When she died my brother and sister took over until I went no contact and took my life back and I am free and I am living it up. No shame no guilt. This scapegoat reprogrammed myself and I have never been happier. My brother and sister are now narcissistic sociopaths like her. I chose to be like my dad at age 7 but I didn't have the information knowledge and skills to help myself. Thank you for enlighten me. Bless you.
The shame I experienced at the discard was ridiculous. Still shaking it off 5 years later
I once tried to show my brother that it was in fact our mother who had been solely responsible the horrible situation and done all in her power to keep the controversy going and has gaslit people about it, and all the while I was busy trying to fix it instead. My brother, by any reasonable definition, is her most loyal flying monkey. When I made my case, articulating clear facts and using logic and reason, he said (repeatedly repeatedly and aggressively) "You're arguing like a robot!" The feelings imprinted on him by our mother were of infinitely greater import than anything that actually happened, because the facts didn't stack up in her favor when dispassionately and logically assessed. This triggered him. I doubt he ever cognitively and intentionally processed the above conversation. Instead of thinking clearly, he emoted, allowing her thoughts and feelings to fill his head while he conflated how he felt with the process of thinking. I haven't talked to either of them in three years. It still hurts. But I can't help them. And though I know what she did, her guilt hooks are still lodged in my psyche.
He was totally brainwashed by narc mommy. They are very good at doing that to the weaker minded among us.
They convinced me I was hideously ugly.
Mine, too. I’m not especially good-looking, but I am well within the reasonably attractive range. Yet I really thought I was hideous, even malformed much of the time. It was so weird because I knew what size and shape I was in relation to others, but keenly aware that I was frizzy-haired, short upper-lipped, short waisted, without hips, flat chested, bubble butted, and big-footed. I felt like an ogre. And years later, when I was a grown mother myself, both parents would randomly comment on my appearance in a negative way. “You’re wearing THAT?” “You didn’t bother to brush your hair?” “Don’t smile so big; you’re all gums and you have your dad’s teeth.”
I can relate to this- I felt like a gargoyle.
The part about, "You brought home C's and I know you can do better than that." was not how it happened in my family. The narc parent would never give approval or talk about how I could be better. It was more like I could never please. A lot of online therapists talk about how a narc parent openly shames you. But that didn't happen. It was mostly body language that said, "Get away from me you failure." But at the same time, it was micromanagement of my identity. Infantilization. Not being allowed to get my driver's license for nebulous reasons that were exaggerations and made no sense. That was an attack on my integrity. Yet, all my siblings were helped getting theirs. Nothing was openly declared, ever. It was just this quiet dehumanizing and controlling who I was. As if I was a little kid, but I had to act like an adult despite it, and I had no individuality. I was an extension of that parent's discontent with life. I think Jerry is right. Their feelings are right in front of them, and they go from moment to moment trying to cope with their own toxic self loathing. When they project it onto someone else, it gives them a break for a while. I think that is what they are addicted to. It is too hard for children to deal with.
Yes, way too hard. Sorry about what happened to you. I've heard that more; kids not being supported getting their licence , I wonder what that is about.. them not wanting us to become independend from 'm?
good way to disconnect from that wi-fi: stay far away from broadcaster, it has limited coverage. Find better wi-fi
😂 That aside, understandable.
Funny you should talk about food. No one, and I mean no one, can cook to please my mother. (Another one of those goal posts in perpetual motion) I once took a dessert over for a holiday dinner. My mother had to have a taste before placing it with the others. Once she tasted it, she put a scowl on her face, then placed it in the back of the others. Initially, I was hurt, but then thought, screw it. More for me at home. After dinner, one of her sisters showed up during dessert. She went straight for it, raved about it, and wanted to know who made it. My mother was the first of the flock to grab some and exclaim, "This IS good!" Acting like it was her first taste.
I never figured out what her motive was behind doing that. I never brought another dish, but I saw her do it to my sister several times. I once called her out on it, and she flew into a rage, screaming that I had lost my mind.
She sounds absolutely disgusting. Just like my mother. Its all mind games. Power and control. Not love. Im 48 and realise I was never loved. They are just revolting these pathetic creatures.
Take care ❤🇬🇧
She sounds like a piece of work. Sorry she treats you like that 😮
Keep calling her out on things. She needs it.
@tinybubbles263 nah... I went no-contact with her years ago. And, in turn, wound up cutting myself off from the whole family.
@@waynec369Very smart choice🌞👍🏻.
I was the "truth telling scapegoat" in my family. Funny thing is i was always being punished for truth telling because my mom insisted i was "lying". Absolute hell of a childhood
Except they object to the child having any feelings. The child gets yelled at and then cries. Of course the child cries.Then they yell at the child and say the child is being emotional, and they will "give you something to cry about". Yes , they already did cause crying. So then they yell some more so you can't stop crying.. They make the child feel like there is something wrong with them for being upset when they are yelled at for no reason at all. (Why do they yell for a couple hours for no reason. Just got up on Saturday and there has been no time for anything upsetting to happen yet but - yell - yell - yell!!! Why??? It's crazy and crazy making.)
02:25 🤔 Blending of feelings and thoughts, termed "feel thinking," is a common dynamic in narcissistic families, causing confusion and guilt.
04:24 😨 Narcissistic parents create a system where anxiety and fear hold feelings, fostering guilt and shame even in harmless situations.
06:27 🔄 Other-focused upbringing by narcissistic parents discourages self-care and individuality, promoting guilt and shame for prioritizing oneself.
Yes Other Focused! I can't count the times my covert narc mother accused me of being "selfish and spoiled"....when the truth was that SHE was selfish and spoiled!!
Being 'other focused' was definitely a theme with my mother (even to this day). My brothers joined in but I fought against it. It's interesting when you make decisions for yourself - without inviting the narcs in for their opinion...how upset it makes them. Babysitting egos is another great point, you aren't really connecting to these people because they can't connect, it's all about perception and power. Stay strong folks!
That's spot on , babysitting both my parents egos. I was a child, a teen, a young adult now an old adult. What a weight it has been and it's taken my health and life. Yet these now elderly blood suckers still want more. Wish id had this info at 16 but now it's invaluable to keep me sane ✌
Let "It's not my problem" be your mantra for awhile.
Omg! This explains me 100% Everything spot on explained! Now how can I fix me? I have stopped communication with family. It hurts but I finally am doing it. I don't know how to strip those guilt & shame layers away.💔
Your videos have been EXTREMELY helpful, even after years of therapy realizing I’m not the broken one. I was shamed on a daily basis. Nothing was ever good enough, etc.
Thank you!
Getting my narcissistic family out my head is where I need to continue working. Listening to Jerry over and over again is enlightening and is proving to be healing in itself. Having him affirm the truth, that the problem is theirs and not mine helps so much.
I remember thinking my Dad didn't know how to love when I was a young child.
I was graduating from 6th grade and was so excited I was a colorguard. Dad worked at the VA and Mom was sick all the time. Neither one showed up. My dad said, when you get your PhD I will come to graduation.
I went on to win 5 awards in 6th grade. They havent changed.
Honestly, after what they pulled at my 8th and 12th grade graduation I didn’t want them anywhere near me when I graduated from nursing school. I left the tickets on the table and said come, don’t come, I’ll be going out afterwards w/my friends. Drove myself and had no expectations of them showing up. Of course what did they do? Arrive late and made a big to do about sitting as close to the stage as possible. All while names are being called for the graduate to receive their degree🤦🏻♀️
Oh, at this point, I'm just flat out ashamed of my parents. How dare they. I mean, really. It's never ok to put anyone through the things they put me through. I honestly don't know how they can stand themselves - preaching one thing and doing something else behind closed doors like that. They preach against hypocrisy and then turn around and do it. WTF???
I feel huge waves of conditioned shame whenever I try to take care of my Self, its debilitating. I have to fight the conditioning for survival. They really messed up my brain and nervous system.
Watch family systems that say things like, "you are ungrateful or you need to learn gratitude". Especially, said to children.
I'm not ashamed. They should be ashamed for what they did, not other way around. I only know them as my kidnappers. OH well.
I feel much validation from your videos! Thank you for creating them
Glad you like them!
Love this. Definitely need to work on not babysitting others egos!
My narcissistic sister abused verbally and emotionally her children for not getting always straight A's
😢😢
I had to witness this for years
Not to mention how I was abused for years by my parents and siblings
It's disgusting
.. Your chanel rocks ❤😎👊💪
Your channel is so helpful in the healing process. Thank you. 🙏🦋
Thank you for this message. Theres so much carried shame from abuse. The verbal, emotional and other qbuse , I had internalized others abuse.. Its cauaed fear , anxiety and guilt and shame. Was Never mine to carry. 😢 Glad im healing!!
Holy cow, man. "I just feel like you should..." My mind is blown.
At the familytable I had this repeated thought of having to save my family by an impossible task like running 10 km in an hour. Ofcourse i knew i couldn't and i would feel shame for not being able or trying to be a superhuman.
I was told last night by my so called mother... that I should "look in the mirror", as she was trying to use my past to hurt me, which doesn't because it's just that, the PAST, & I no longer live there.
I asked my mother "why are you so nasty & so mean to me what have I ever done to you?"... & her response was "nothing!! That's the problem!! I should be retired by now!!"... & my reply was, "im here because of YOUR ACTIONS & YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES, not the other way around!!! I don't OWE YOU anything!!!"...
All this because I have had a few medical emergencies recently & have been out of work.
Today marks a new day, I now realize how little I mean, I always knew, just not to this extent. Im done.
I get it.
its crazy how much i still shame myself constantly
Thank you so much! Your are a real healer
Glad it helped!
if my mother felt that she was not being praised enough than someone in my family had to feel ashamed or guilty about what was going on. I look back at the family meetings that we had. All that it was, was mom being mad at everybody and that we did something wrong. When that would happen I would always think what did I do wrong and how can I make my mom happy again. I now see that there was never anything that I could do. I wish that I had realized this years ago. I have missed out on relationships because of these issues.
Yup, my mother feel/thought I kicked her out of my home (I didn’t). She then proceeded to call as many family friends and extended family as possible to tell them I kicked her out and she had nowhere to live. Not one family friend, nor extended family member reached out to offer me support. After she is dead, there will be no further contact w/any of them. If I die first, that also works
b/c she’s still going strong at 87. Not sure I’ll outlive her🤔
I understand entirely. My mom died Dec. 2022. I was excluded by my sisters regarding decisions around her internment etc. I WAS SO GLAD. Now I have no reason to EVER see any of them again. Quite liberating, I must say. They are all narcs or related personality disorders. I spent $20,000. to get over the whole lot of them. Worth every penny.
I've been working on my issues for a few years now...& my narc father quickly ☠️ from terminal cancer almost a week ago.Jerry these priceless 💎s you're putting out are the icing on top🌞...I feel like a rough diamond that's getting very gradually fauceted & cut a little more nicely every day😌⛅.
Sound like narc father may have gotten the turbo cancer from pfizer/moderna....💉💉💉💉
Good morning Jerry 🌞 Good timing. Started the day with self-care in the form of Pilates, but my feel/think state went down the tubes not long afterwards. It's a beautiful day today and here I am feeling so down that I can't think happy thoughts or organize my day. This seems like such a long journey of overcoming this crap.
It's Monday which doesn't help.
Long journey, indeed. Good for you taking care of yourself though! ☺️ I love Pilates too. 🥰
My mother to a T.
It takes a long time. 10 years and counting since my awakening to this evil. Took me almost that long just to get over the white hot anger and rage at what they did to me.
Wow! As a kid I used to wonder why both my parents NEVER said "I think" they always said "I feel" as if everything I did caused them to have some emotion. Also my father constantly demanded to know why I had upset my mother. There was no reason, I just upset her by existing. Nothing I could do to fix that.
You are such a Godsend, Jerry. Thank you so much for providing this information for those of us struggling so we can learn to piece our original selves back together and heal. I’m a new mother myself and I am doing everything in my power to learn and break the cycle. I can’t say it enough, thank you!!
Congratulations dear, I'm hoping to become a mama in not too long too🥳.In my opinion something lovely about having kids is that it gives you the opportunity to create the healthy loving family you wish you had growing up...We may not be little kids anymore but we can absolutely still enjoy having a healthy nontoxic family as adults & creating happy memories🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
Wow, thank you
At this point, I’ve stopped expecting anyone to know how to do anything right.
Man...that others focused thing was huge in my family
Jerry, you are simply spot on! And this subject completely hits home!
After years in AA my mom learned to dismiss me by saying I don't feel comfortable...
I'm so grateful for you lectures, teachings and insight! I especially resonated with the "internal no contact" with toxic family! I"m slowly learning and becoming more aware of my "automatic" guilt/shame feelings with all situations in my adult life from having been raised to be "other focus" and a people pleaser. I'm so tired of babysitting my 80 year old mother's ego...OMG!! I just did it yesterday in a group text message by commenting on how her hair looks with my siblings 🙄Your language is so, so helpful!!! Thank you so much!!😁
Jerry, you wow me - often!!! Thank you again for your contribution 🥰
Your words are so validating, and I feel so fortunate. Thank you!
You are so welcome
Jerry, all of your videos are so helpful but this one especially. Thank you
You are very welcome
Love the line -give up babysitting the ego of others. = accountability & truth. Love this. As an EFT practitioner, we work through emotions. once emotions are cleared, it's easier to think clearly and make prudent decisions. .
Great video Jerry! I was only aware earlier on this evening as I was doing my self care walk about 'feel/think' that I've heard you talk about before. I was aware of feeling anxiety in my stomach/chest and the 'family system' in my psyche. It was intense/distracting but I kept walking and after an hour I experienced the separation of the feelings in my body and the contents of my family system in my mind and I felt calmer and more grounded.
Other focus is codependency
Great stuff, thanks!
Wow……THANKS again for these videos Jerry.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
You are very welcome
Thanks Jerry, I've long noted the gap between the conceptual thoughts and their meanings vursus the physical sensations of 'feelings,' but have really struggled to find a way to seperate the two. I was trained and conditioned to think in feelings and let those feelings rule over me, it has left me frozen and complacent for far too much of my adulthood.
Interesting that narcs control exactly the same way tyrannical governments and media propaganda does, via fear and feelings. Not reason or logic.
Indeed when ever I did something for me I couldn't enjoy I felt shame guilt like I don't deserve to be or to live.
😂'FEEL-THINK'! You nailed it in a "nut's hell," Jerry! Imagine when I became passionate about exposing narcissists to help people heal - every one them would probably go on - a half minute about how I have horribly 'BAD-FEELING vibes' - encouraging folks to THINK about it!
(I -HAD- to reply to my own comment , to reiterate another GREAT KEY:)
"WE _HAVE_ TO GIVE UP BABYSITTING EGOS" - Exactly!!! Thanks again, Jerry. 🫣🙏
This was very helpful and affirming. I especially found the part about shame and babysitting other people's egos to be an insightful explanation of some of the unhealthy emotional dynamics in play. Thank you very much for this kind and informative video.
Yes. Other focused because self growth and focus was shameful and selfish.
I didn't see narc pa for 20 yrs and he still not interested in what I did for a living just telling me about himself past and present, and calling me 3x week promising $ and by again...weird
Excellently put! Thank you! 🙏
Love the advice Jerry
excellent!!!!😍💚💚💚thank you for so good explanation, that is incredible
Thank you.😊🙏🏻❤️
always good stuff
Thank you Jerry. These videos really help us.
this was so painful but resonated. much appreciated Jerry for your work and insights as always.
Thank you!❤ However, you can also use the word 'feel' against them.
Thank you!
You're welcome!
I have gained so much knowledge and understanding from your videos in just a very short time!
I am getting to the point,that I am becoming finally free from wrong shame,guilt and especially from the fear of my mother. It truly feels amazing to be FREE!!!
I will turn 60-years on my next birthday,and I have started to work on giving myself the best birthday gift ever... inner healing and accepting and loving myself in a healthy way.
Thousands of Thanks,Jerry,you have been a crucial part in this lifechanging process!!! ❤
Thank you Jerry! Thank you so much!
You are very welcome!😊
Thank you Dr. Jerry! In our family, disdain was rarely spoken, and yet so very much instilled. Being yourself was so not in the program. I am new to your RUclips, live your open, friendly way of speaking. Look forward to many more videos.
Wonderful!
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Exactly thank you... celebrating egos... garden lesson.
Adam given instructions
before Eve formed... Genesis
2 15Then the Lord God
took the man and put him in
the garden of Eden to tend
and keep it. 16And
the Lord God commanded
the man, saying, "Of every
tree of the garden you may
freely eat; 17but of the tree
of the knowledge of good
and evil you shall not eat, for
in the day that you eat of it
you shall surely die."
18And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."
Genesis 3 6So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate.
Adam failed to keep his garden pure! Pride entered... bone of my bones... Genesis 2 23And Adam said:
"This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh;
Failed flesh after that!
Genesis 3 17Then to Adam He said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’:
“Cursed is the ground for your sake;
In toil you shall eat of it
All the days of your life.
I was most shamed when I refused to worship the narcissist and be interested in all the things they do in their life. My last conversation with my mother began, as she always did, trying to frame everything about her husband, how wonderful he is and how happy she is about his hobbies. I shut her down, reminding her that I was not speaking to him after his last rage fit to me and my wife. She feigned shock and disbelief..the whole routine. In the end we were not speaking anymore, she would put up her stories about him and I would say NO, she would get angry and abruptly end the call now being upset with me for not wanting to join her in worship of our mutual abuser.
So very True
Thank you for Your videos. The other Focused was very insightful, as I started working on that a few years ago. Was wondering Why am I thinking about others trials and tribulations and not thinking about Me and Family and life. I still catch myselfe doing it and when I do, I nip it in the bud and swipe it away and re focus. Again thank You
Glad it was helpful!
That they do Jerry my narcissistic father is good for this.
is that why i say sorry all the time??
My sister and I were never allowed to say no, nor contradict our father nor make excuses (offer explanations) nor deny anything our parents accused us of. We were trained to focus on not making waves but be responsible for how our parents felt. How we felt about anything was so irrelevant that I trained myself not to recognize how I felt. I just stuffed my feelings down. Sis couldn’t hide her feelings and ran away from home at 17. She has had an unhappy life. At 18 I married a man that turned out to be a pathological liar and a cruel brute. He died in a road accident. I will never marry again. I’m a retired nurse now and keep to myself, but I enjoy not having to walk on eggshells anymore.
I had a domestic with my malignant narc. I'm the victim, but I fight back. She said she called 911. So, I waited, knowing I would be the one cuffed. No point leaving the scene. They never showed. A bluff.
I have noticed while after sometime when I wake up , I felt sensation of bubbles in my stomach not because of some stomach issue but when some passive aggressive hatred is actively working towards you , in my case my mother , she makes herself unhappy, lifeless and when someone shows up she is all nice and gentle and lights up, The feeling I am talking about is a mix of several different things like , for eg. When you feel threatened there is something wobbling in your belly and as if dark smoke and gas and microwave type of rays are harming you from inside +a hint of some sinking feeling, it's damn terrible andbody who can console or help me through that pls respond!
To be fair green bean casserole is a crime against humanity.😂
Lol
My Dad flipped his shit on me today because I didn’t call him when his brother died saying I don’t give a fuck about him and started repeating the exact shame and guilt tactics my Mom used on me last time we spoke saying crazy shit like I can’t find a job because I have a beard and that I need life coaching just because I’ve fallen on hard times. They think their own children should coddle them which and they cry literally every single time I call them.
The first several examples are more "think" examples, but the narc parents use them this way because they think you can't argue with their feelings. So, if they say, "I feel xyz thing you blah blah word salad" then they think you'll blame yourself and that you'll think you must agree with them. It's just another narc manipulation tactic.
To know the difference, just replace "feel" with "think" and then ask yourself if the sentence makes better grammatical sense. If it does, they're just being pricks and it's ok to say, "I disagree with you" and watch them have a melt-down.
I love the WiFi example
Watched Dr. Carter today and met you Mr Wise. Appreciate your name, fits!
We had to save my Dads ego for his place in the religion we grew up in. If you don’t agree with said religion you get shunned and labeled apostate. Very controlling. So you have to pretend to have your family. If you pretend all your life you never find yourself. I belong to a support group that was started by a shunned woman that has not seen her or heard from her family in over 30 yrs.
It’s been most helpful!
I found a new recipe for my life, The Bible. Just that! God will help me dicern and tell me to Love me, Love others and Love Him most of all. I experienced this peace free gift in 1980! It changed my life.
I’m free from the cult I grew up in that treated me as if dead.
I Am alive!
9:25 other focused
Thank you sooo much Jerry for explaining this ❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon
I was taught to say "I feel that you... " in an adult roles class in high school, so that it isn't accusatory but exploratory. Are we being taught to be toxic?
Yep. The Public Fool System is run by the corrupt (narcissistic) govt. They want us as dumbed down as possible. You don't get an education anymore. You get an indoctrination on how to be a good flying monkey/slave to the system.
It depends on how it's being used. When used in an honest manner it communicates "this is my perception, but I understand it may be inaccurate."
When used as manipulation it communicates "my perception is reality and your intentions don't matter."
I also shame on narsissistic family.
I'm struggling to understand this segment. So that probably means this is something that's broken in me. What is the difference between a feeling and a thought? I can't really understand the difference.
Think of it as thoughts are above the neck, feelings and the neck and below.
You can correct someone's thoughts, but you can't correct their feelings. Knowing this manipulators treat their feelings as objective truths. That way they can make accusations against you and you can't argue against it. For example:
"I thought you were angry with me because of your tone." "I wasn't angry with you. I had a long day at work." "Oh okay."
"I feel like you were angry with me." "I wasn't angry with you. I had a long day at work and was tired." "Okay, but it felt like you were angry." "But I wasn't." "Yeah but it felt like it."
This is to guilt and shame you for how you made them "feel" regardless of your behavior or intentions. It's used to strip you of autonomy and control. If you are stuck in this dynamic long term then you typically become a people pleaser who is hyper vigilant of the abuser's emotions.
Thank you. This helps me understand, and yes, I definitely lived under that kind of walking on eggshells so as not to make my parent upset with me. I'm still a people pleaser, but I am learning not to just get walked on.