Narcissistic Parents: Things they DON'T Know How To Do
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- Опубликовано: 18 май 2024
- In this video, I discuss essential and basic things that narcissistic and emotionally immature parents do not know how to do.
Learning about these can help you focus on your self-differentiation from them, lower your expectations, and begin building your life based on their true, limited capabilities, without painful dependence on or waiting for them to change.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Facts ! No book will ever change your life. The truth no book will ever change you in the long run. It will only educate you but no big change.
You really hit the nail on the head. You are so on point.Thank you.
Thank you ❤
“They can’t stoop that low to apologise to you “ - oof that hits hard. It costs nothing to say sorry.
Saying sorry is an admission of wrongdoing and they don't want to admit they were wrong about anything because they need to believe all their actions were justified so no matter how badly they hurt you they have to justify it to themselves that anything they did to you was the right thing to do and you "must have deserved it" simply because they did it and therefore there's "nothing to apologize for".
I've been watching your videos for months, but this one really hurts. It touched the raw nerve, because this is how I grew up. However, nowadays I have a better relationship with my Mom than before, still, I know that I could never bring up the teenage years, because she wouldn't listen to me, how she hurt me then.
Other people taught me how to apologize 👍👍
@@SweetUniverse it costs them their fragile ego. Something they’ve worked their whole lives to desperately maintain as they’re already very insecure people.
@@PassionateFlower warped. And end the end they will say “I wouldn’t want to be like you” 🙁 The therapist I went to in the past could only reinforce what I already knew. And btw, it came out later that family and friends were going to the same therapist.
Its wild how a child can become a selfless martyr as a way to NOT become their parent, without knowing how damaging it would be in the future.
Yes, perhaps, although it’s much more psychological than that
That martyr grows up and attracts/is attracted to toxic people. She thinks she can save them, as she’s done her whole life-only, she can’t. And never could.
@@AC-dr7lv yes
Right? Until Radical acceptance sadly @@AC-dr7lv
It’s definitely a terrible outcome for the child. They’re martyred coping is terrible for their adult self 😢
1. Narcissistic parents don't know how to handle criticism constructively.
2. They can not support your independence.
3. They can not engage in self-reflection.
4. They don't know how to provide unconditional love.
5. They can not empathise with others.
6. They can not aknowledge their own mistakes.
7. They don't know how to respect boundaries.
8. They can't celebrate their childrens' successes separately.
9. They can not recognise and admit their own vulnerabilities.
10. They don't know how to offer genuine apologies.
Thank you for this handy list 🎉!!
Wow, that clears things up a lot. Thank you. 🧐
It seems like, the attachment of my family revolves around the emotional state of my mother. Its horrible- because she clearly uses it as a method of control and manipulation. I have empathy for her- and I also don't want to ever see her or talk to her again.
Touché, well said!
Gosh mybiz you are my new role model! I’ve been 3+ years no contact but after a lifetime of abuse I do not view my birth mother as a human. One of my favorite sayings is I’m jealous of orphans!
My mother is the same, and I completely relate. She terrorized the family and still does, even all the broken pieces she has trampled into dust. Hasn't taken even a moment to consider the reason everything fell apart was because of her, though my old man wasn't innocent himself.
I pity her because she had a horrific life, but she can't get out of her own way. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let her continue to be a monstrous bully toward me for one moment longer. That ship has sailed and is at the bottom of the ocean. And now that I am detached and gray rocking, I get all kinds of grief for having "changed," though it never occurred to her that change is not a bad thing. She never bothered to do it for seven decades.
I want to be free of her, but her kind of evil never dies. One day.
Internet hugs to you.
@@spacegirl226 I just wanted to let you know how much I loved the phrase that ship has sailed and sunk to the bottom of the ocean! It is so crazy how narcissistic parents can eff with you so many ways until you get some understanding! I also related to your last words because I too am a bit annoyed my mom still is alive!
Yupp. This is why my family unravelled. I asked my mother to stop labelling me ''sensitive'' and ''paranoid''. Instead of listening to that, she was so wounded, my father reprimanded me for hurting her, she gave me the silent treatment / cold shoulder/ stone walled me. Accused me of being aggressive every time I tried to talk to her. Smeared me to all the relatives. Acts like the victim of me, blames me for ''destroying the family''.
I can relate. My mother left me a poison voicemail after I refused to leave work to ferry her around. I asked her to apologize for that voicemail because what she said was not true and I didn’t deserve that. This was the start of the unravel. She cut me out of her life rather than apologize to me and died without ever saying goodbye.
@touchedbyfire99 wow my mother is alive but your story resonates because it's been made clear to me that SHE is the victim of me and that there will be no conversation about this. I know she will say something toxic when she's dying, like how she tried to forgive me. (But couldn't). I think I'm 3 quarters way through the bereavement even though she lives. Did your mother's death affect you? Or did you feel free. Hard to know, but as my mother refuses communication, I believe I will feel that the no communication makes sense when she's dead.
So relatable..
Yeah every once in awhile I get the crazy idea I can talk to my mom like a normal person. It always backfires.
I feel for you because I have been you as well. Gee I wonder why being insulted and plotted against might manifest itself in sadness and fear! You also actually helped me understand one dynamic about my toxic former sister. When I knew it she was conventionally attractive and a vile excuse for a human but last few years the hideous creature inside has shown itself to the world. I have not seen it in person but considering it weighs more than 4 of me I’d notice!
My 86 year old Narc Mom refuses to leaver her home - but recently demanded I quit my job, abandon my husband, and move across country to be her live in care taker. She doesn't care what it would do to my finances or my marriage. For the first time in my life, I said "No" to her. Since then she has completely cut me off, and will not longer talk to me. Apparently, her "mothers love" came with the condition of 100% obedience, no matter what the cost.
PS - she can afford to have home health care... but then she couldn't be cruel and abusive to that person.
Sounds like she can't love.
Stay strong. You will survive this. 💜💜😘
Dear Nonawolf,
My Husband and I have been watching Pastor Mark Driscoll videos. He discusses how we leave our Family of Origin. When we Marry the "pecking order" changes to: God/Faith, Spouse, our Children then Family of Origin.
@@pyewacket7883 Thank you! I love Mark Driscoll, and that series really helped give me some perspective. ♥
@@ccdm515 You nailed it perfectly. Over the past 20 years, I have been trying to get my parents to downsize and move close by so I could take care of them... but Mom always dismissed the idea. Funny how the person who wants to be "independent" expects her grown child to be a slave.
This describes my mother to a tee 😢. I'm an empath and highly sensitive, and she's almost worn me out. I love her but need to protect myself from her negative energy & behaviour.
And zero understanding/empathy for you. I'm right there with you. ✊
Amen self love. Boundaries. Growth.
Power on kindread.
Get out Don't waste your life They don't deserve it
It’s ok to have self love and boundaries ♥️
Just stay away from her.
when a narcissistic parent apologizes, it seems like it's a cold apology...just speaking out of my experience with my (who adopted me)mom , who apologized maybe twice and it just felt like an at the surface level . life goes on. be true to yourselves and remember you do matter and lower your expectations
They also use some stupid drawn out/exaggerated tones!
I've never experienced an apology from a narcissist.
Narc mother once told me she asked God to forgive her for something she did to me. This was sent in an email. 😊
You got an Apology?
I've always received nothing close to an apology from narcs.
Family or otherwise.
My narc parent was never wrong. Never on the same page.
Live in a fantasy, false self.
It does feel really cold to me as well. Detached even. It has been so rare for me, but when it happened, it gave me an "ick" to say the least. I couldn't define it in the moment, but it really does come across that way.
This is easy for me.
My narc parent knew NOTHING. He was enraged whenever I flexed my independence. This negative entity helped give birth to his undoing.
I love this reply. Thank you for making me think of this situation in this way!!!
They are selfish, self center and egotistic. They really only about themselves and the family priority. They are always one sided. It's always about them only. Sick messed up people
Facts. No matter how much I didn’t want to be like my narc parents; my thought patterns and behaviors in certain situations eerily resembled theirs 😧.
I had to work on my own healing and narcissistic fleas to uncover the real me.
I am still working. 💪🏽 Keep going family ❤🙏🏾💯✨
Ditto. It's no surprise we picked up some bad habits. After all, our parents are the model for our own behavior. Like you, I am a work in progress. Prayers for you, my sister. ❤
Thank you for saying this. Healing isn’t "fixing," but it's very validating to have someone acknowledge that we have our own issues as a result of abuse, and we need to work on ourselves as part of our healing.
Me too and I still work on a few really irrational beliefs that were hammered into my head!
Oh My God. This video hits it out of the park. So on target it's frightening. Tough as hell to even watch.
Couldn’t aggree more
Growing up I never felt I had a mother. It felt strange when a friend yelled "mom!" when they were scared or surprised.
This is so sad I am so sorry 😞
Children's successes separate from their own. This is even more acute if they have no significant successes. Consequently, they will do one of two things: belittle your successes, as in the case of my father, or believe that they are entitled to the benefits of them, as in the case of my mother.
So true!!! I earned TWO college degrees and mother NEVER acknowledged them .. She was a spoiled stay at home "mother" .. (mooch off my dad) who Said she wanted to go to college, but having six kids prevented her and she resented all of us except one, her golden child daughter who married a rich man! Lol! Neither she or my sister did ANYTHING but just mooched off their husbands that caretaked them.
I discovered every one of these the hard way. I have the scars to prove it. You really nail how it is to have these sick parents. Thank you for putting it into words.
You are so welcome
My mom never respected boundaries. Ever. If I ever said no I can’t do something I got silent treatments and blamed for things I never did. I’m not allowed to ever tell her no. When my new book was released that I was super excited about she said “ super “ and never bought a copy and never asked anything about it. When she found out my cat was on chemo she had never not once asked how she is doing. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself. She is a selfish person. She has never said she was sorry about anything ever bc it’s always my fault.
Your description of the "180" polar opposite response explains so much about me. I really have tried to not be my mother, and have wondered why I'm so extreme in some ways. Thank you.
Reaction Formation? (That's what my counselor said about me).
Me too I’ve worked on not being a heartless bastard vs doormat! It is hard because I still resent how my mother would punish me if I did anything nice for anyone but her. Did not even matter if I bought grandma dinner because I know she has a tight budget and my mother is a shopaholic anti-social monster who would not want to go to dinner I would be the recipient of abuse and threats!
Finding a balance in adulthood is like pulling your own teeth out.
I had no idea narcs (& flying monkeys) run in groups too until, in a family meeting I said I wanted a divorce from my now ex (who I was experiencing narc abuse from) and my entire family turned on me. The second you step into authenticity and independence, and try and step away from the “expected norm system”, you find out REAL quick who is a genuine human. I honestly have found the best way to flush them all out whether that’s in the workplace, or anywhere, is to start talking about narcs! They all know exactly who they are and they start to get up in arms about that term being used. People that are empaths and have been called a narc, will genuinely question if they are or not, and then they “feel bad” if they think they are, or rather have been told that they are. I think the confusion comes when empaths display narc tendencies because that is literally what they have been exposed to growing up. What does an empath do? They absorb, so it’s not surprising they can have “expressions” of narcissism when that’s all they’ve learned growing up, but not be a narc. Very important distinction. Empaths always want to continue growing and doing and being better than they were before and genuinely care when they hurt other people. Narcs don’t, they’ll stay stuck forever. start saying no to friends and family and you’ll find out exactly who’s who. Start trying to step away to make yourself happier and again you’ll find out how that is not acceptable.
WOW! Soo true!!!
I was expecting other fundamentally basic traits a child would expect from a parent that would leave them without the most basic needs being met. I don’t remember ever being hugged or cuddled, ever told I was loved, being shown any form of human affection, or given any form of empathy. I know I was belittled and degraded in the nicest possible way so it was impossible to blame anyone but myself for anything/everything, even being alive. I remember learning how to control my emotions and always ‘act accordingly’ no matter how I felt or suffered. I remember always walking on eggshells. And; I remember never ever feeling good enough. And I never have.
WOW 😳.... You expressed my situation precisely! I'm SOOOO sorry for the pain you've endured
@@Anson7777 Thank you ❣️
It's all true what you say. But also know enmeshment also has to do with them trying to control you in keeping them company in this lifetime because nobody else wants to be near them.
😢 yes, my narc mother managed to convince me to sell my house at age 50 because I am a single mother and she can't control my married siblings, and she got me to give up my house and move back in with her only to die 10 years later and have my narcissistic siblings kick me out of her house... Momy narc "mother" also betrayed me in her will, and gave me nothing even though I took care of her all those years .. my son suffered... I lost my life in 2012 when I gave up my house for no reason
@@Anson7777 That's a great injustice against you. Ask a lawyer for a free consultation as in is there anyway to get a share of the house/money even if I am not in the will.
Always on eggshells with my Father. Got worse when I got married, because I couldn’t control how my husband responded to things. Needless to say, I was blamed and always had to apologize if my father felt my husband said or did something he didn’t approve of. For example, my husband didn’t greet my father quick enough one day, and my father flew home immediately. I wasn’t even there at the time. My father is a bully, you have to read his mind, he is explosive, and never apologizes. He projects all the bad things he’s done on to me. He has also turned my Mother against me. We are no contact for years!
if your mum is anything like my dad, she's probably not really ''allowed'' to reach out. My dad has empathy,, and one day I ran into him on his own without her and I showed him some awful whatsapps she'd sent me allegedly from them both. He was taken aback but he said ''looooooook, I don't really want to get into all that''. Wow. Right
@@SusanaXpeace2u you are right about him not letting my mother contact me. I’ve noticed in the past that as I’m talking on the phone with her the whole vibe changes if he enters the room. It’s very sad and I think it’s sad that they can’t stand up to them. Well, I wish you peace. Take care!
So sorry you’ve had to deal with this awful behaviour for so long. It’s exhausting to your soul.
You're better off without them! At least you married a decent man and had a shot at your own family. I married TWO narcs and it destroyed me completely now at age 60. I'm all alone😢
I haven't achieved anything, but my mother takes credit for me not smoking. It's not much, but that's down to her apparently. I'm not in debt, I'm not addicted to anything. I cannot even take credit for my own common sense.
Haha, man. I totally felt that. Made me chuckle because my folks are the same way. I can't have any sense or thoughts that are opposite theirs because I must be too stupid to function so I need advice I didn't ask for. I'm not a good person because of them. I'm a good person because I saw consequences and alternatives and chose what was right for me.
Dumb as a box of rocks I am.
Take care.
“Oh you think we resolved that? Oh no that will never be resolved!” Says my resentful, grudge holding narcissistic mother.
"You cried when the dog died but not when the mother died". My mother now elderly during one of numerous rows. Brought that up from when I was a small child! I'm nearly 60! Probably because I was more bonded to the family dog than to her, the dog wanted to protect me. Can't believe the stupid stuff in their heads. She is even worse now
@@bereal6590 the biggest blessing is that we have the ability to live fully in the present moment and move past the past. Sending you best wishes and brightest blessings!!
At least your mother was 'honest'. As awful as that seems. She at least talks about bad stuff rather than totally and completely burying it like some narcs do. I can't get my narc parents to admit to anything, and there is no discussion of it.
I'm sorry you had such a horrible mother who held things over your head.
This must be one of your clearest, most brilliant talks!
Understand and bravely, honestly and rightfully accept that you did not pick your parents...you never deserved the abuse, be it physical or mental, and as an adult, take back your power.
Dont feel guilty or shamed further...if youre still being treated less than from that parent...emotionally break free at the very least if you are unable to do so physically !
Narcissists won't respect your boundaries, but if both legal and stiff enough, they'll respect the consequences for crossing your boundaries. Every. Time.
My parents faked some of these to string me along. They were breadcrumbing.
Ya, like those I dated or married.... So sad, some of us scapegoats didn't realize in our youth, so we could at least redeem some time and have a shot a love and healthy family of our own, cuz we tolerated breadcrumbs from family and romantic partners. I grieve cuz I'm 60, and just woke up, even after YEARS of therapists telling me to get away from my mother. I didn't get it. 😢
Your explanation of the logical processing of why they don't respect boundaries is dead on.
They HATED our growing and changing.
It's hard navigating family tainted by narcissism - so complicated - so confusing at times - your videos help in my efforts to remain centred around the important issues like believing in my own path. Thank you and all the best
You are so welcome
I can say that about your videos: The more that I watch the greater insight and empowerment I obtain.
I have a lot of betrayal trauma due to my narcissistic parents offering performative apologies for their abusive actions, and then would slip right back to their regular self and gaslight like crazy when asked "what about the apology?" These videos are so helpful to understand the different aspects and nuances of narcissistic abuse. Thank you!
I’m my first job as a waitress people made fun of me as I said “I’m sorry” all the time …as a physician …I struggled with and still struggle with how little regard my parents have shown for me as a daughter and a person …but the show off for others that my daughter is a doctor was the only positive sort of feedback I got …and I have been over giving self sacrificing in this profession -your work helps me reprogram myself -I didn’t break them I can’t fix them but I can fix my own programming 🤗
In Canada it's called being Canadian, overly polite to total strangers, raised by expats born to follow!
I bet you did this as a former waitress: A woman once knocked over my coffee at a conference. Guess who apologized? ME! 😆She looked at me and kept walking. WTH??
Your story is also my story ❤❤ well done you, you’re amazing
I can relate to your pain .. As a physician, at least you can get respect from the outside world. As a nurse, it's even worse being used by the medical "establishment" then how they use Doctors..... We are just replaceable slaves . Wish I could have at least become a doctor
As a Nurse-Critical Care then NP, I did the same. My Mom was quick to let everyone else know what I did. I spent a lot of time over-giving and over-working-for what. I loved what I did and was attentive and conscientious, but to much so. Her own neediness but lack of satisfaction with just about anything I did left some deep scars. I had CBT for several years after suffering a severe depressive episode mid-life. I learned much about caring for myself in healthy ways, and to question my assumptions and perceptions of others-to question whether they aligned with reality. I'm a better person, and became a better provider. There was a fine- tuning of my BS meter. Some people are no longer part of my life. And I've never cried at the loss of my mother. Life got easier when she passed.
"Everyone in the world should be apologizing to me."😂
I got to witness my dad and brother (both narcissists) have a conversation about how unconditional love is for mothers. Dad's aren't going to do that. I was like YEAH. I NOTICED.
"an overlapping of emotional life"- Yes!
My unwillingness to re-assimilate after being away for so many years is the reason why I experienced aggression from my mother on one occasion and a callousness on another.
On one occasion, she was easily within 6 inches away from me on purpose in an attempt to intimidate me, as though I was 8 years old, got in trouble in school, wanted to know why, and I better be careful what I say. Mind you I am 48 at this time.
I said what I had to, maintained eye contact, finished, and walked away.
I felt that when you said you almost fainted 😅
Do a double take. 😂
The age factor makes me think it might be a change in brain function or brain chemistry.
From reading about the underdevelopment of brain function during childhood trauma (leading to narcissism). It makes me think she might have had some dementia....thereby changing her "norm". Her normal self was slipping away.....and therefore true, authentic empathy showed up?
My best friend is surrounded by some of the most profound narcissists I have ever seen and my wife is adult ADHD.
From my reading, these things are both usually effects of complex trauma and you have to have a profound desire to change them in order to see results.
My mother’s envy. It’s like they think they’re dying if they have to acknowledge anything good about you or your accomplishments or growth or others noticing it and enjoying it with you etc.
Or ya know. Those blessed times when they couldn’t dim the shine and when nature took its course in a good way…despite all they did to try and ruin or stop it. I just love it when a “good avalanche” happens tho and there’s nothing they can do about it. 😂😂
It does baffle me at times tho to think how easy it is for me to throw out a compliment or encouragement or a way to go etc to someone etc and just how impossible it is for them.
Mr Wise, you are so 'right on' with your teaching. I know. Family of origin transactional interactions are so painful. I am so grateful my friends and their parents treated me fairly; I learned real love and respect of boundaries, which enabled me to pull away, however, it took a long time.
Life is still painful, alone. The good part is, I have a say in the way I am treated. The bad part is, one never gets the support I needed from them. You, and others who 'survive' continually give me strength when you share what you are doing to preserve your individuality and your
successes. I thank you for reaching around and grabbing my hand and saying "come with me and discover the goodness you so deserve."
My mother went to a depth i can not fathom. After my dad was far go e with dementia. She took me and my ounger sister out of the will. Leaving my older sister and younger brother. It's not about the money. Its the fact she did it as a punishment. She had to wait until she knew he couldn't stop her. That was 10 years ago. Finally after thaes last 10 years i am working on no contact. Has has continued to be abusive.
I cannot fathom either... That was pure evil..... 😢.... I'm so sorry for your losses
I once said to my mother to buy me a tv and vcr to stop arguments over the tv.
She did. She actually did.
I panicked for a week, fearing how she'd punish me for driving her to buy me a tv and vcr.
Because I suggested something that she actually accepted!
He didn't say "won't", he said "can't", which means that they lack the ability. I have seen that with my family and former, emphasis added, former friends.
That’s important because I wasted years patiently trying to teach my mother how to be a decent person! If I had realized that she was incapable I would have spent way less time hiding pills from her trying to prevent an overdose!
What I have seen is that they may acknowledge somewhat, but their victims aren't supposed to critique them.
Geezzz…this is good stuff, Jerry!
Thank you for ongoing wisdom
Toxic empathy is the polarity of narcs...drop the mic Jerry Wise!!!
😃
Thank you so much jerry you are really helping me coping with my narcissistic family
You are helping us so much! We do not want to be the anti them, we want to be ourselves! Our true selves detached and full and healthy! Thank you so much Jerry for showing the way a new way to live and be and interact with others!
Thanks for noticing
My narcissistic mother never wanted to celebrate my birthday once I got older because it was inconvenient (Christmas Eve ) and she said we have plenty of Christmas cookies… but when it was her birthday you better bring a cake and gifts!!! Lots of gifts!!!
"Oh, you had a birthday today". That what I got for my birthday.
You must have fathered many many kids and raised them into their adulthood still manage time for free advice!! Whao….. amazing!!!
"Over emphatic"- Yes, sir. While I addressed that due to a major situation that it got me into, I now have put this mental attitude in place to ensure my protection and better decisions: "Carry not what is not yours to carry."
Wow you knew my mother then… like 100%. It was so well administered it took me 63 years to work out what the problem was. You only get one mother- there’s nothing to compare with. How do you detach when you’ve been the sole carer when she then got Alzheimer’s for 20 years. It’s too late now. My life’s over.
Im so sorry! Im 62. I get it.
What do you mean by your liife is.. over.??
63 and you think your life is over???
Never give up on yourself! It's time to love, respect and take care of your own needs and wants.
Never Never too late to make changes and get healthy
It took me 40 years to recognize my narcissist for what they are, what they do and how they do it. I believe we choose the basic outline of our lives before we are born. This is therefore what I chose to learn about first-hand in this life. I'm okay with that, because we are here to learn.
@@Hollycat50 yesss
Today is a new day.
You could live for a long time ~ enjoy it for as long as you can. Do all those things you couldn’t do because of looking after your mother. You are a very brave and strong person!
My mom is s hardcore narcisist, I used to be the over empath and do everything for my mom and get nothing in return, but the last few years i have become more independent and masculine, setting boundaries, saying no, daring to critisize my mom and not allow my moms drama to suck me and my emotions into the drama, to the point that she never contacts me no longer.
It's all very interesting because my little half brother is still overly empathedic with my mom and everyone and I see now how people take advantage of it and how it's sucking him dry of happiness, I just cant convince him because from his perspective, I am the one being cold and causing our mom to be angry and upset e.g. lately by asking her to take responsability from some bad things she did in the past.
"Only for appearances"- Bingo! You explained what I just stated about my father. My experiences have shown me that they will go right back to the same MO.
Jerry, I've watched a lot of your videos for a really long time (5+ years) and this is the first time that I've commented. This current series that you have been doing (giving examples and scenarios of what narcissistic parenting is) has been very, very easy to connect with and understand.
This video in particular is tremendous! Closing the video with great examples of how these traits could have affect US was a fantastic touch.
(Maybe you have done this before in previous videos, but it feels like this time, it really touched home how their strange behaviours and ways of thinking leave a lasting imprint on us that we need to rid ourselves of)
Thank you so much for all that you do!
Thank you
All these so true
I think that it's both- nature and nurture. I think that some are more predisposed to certain things than others.
For example, there are three of us- my mother's children. We grew up in the same house and exposed to the same dysfunctional system, but I am the only high school and college graduate. Only one with a professional job. No substance abuse, no illegitimate children, no children period, no legal issues.
Jerry, your description of us overcorrecting was very good. We need to find the healthy us at 90°, not swing between the unhealthy extremes of 0° and 180°
My mother knows full well im in a big life/health bind/crisis. She has never gI've what i neex emotionally or often physically never mind mentally, ever. She knows full well what I need yet she withholds what I need so I will have to ask then she can look good as I prostrate myself and feel like 💩. Yet she will do tiny helpful things and turn round in an argument with the "after all I do for you". Then says just ask me........ money is a big one, she says they have none as they trot off on 3 vacations a year when she knows I need medical help and have no way to pay for it. I cannot ever imagine being like this with your own child!
So many good points, as always, Jerry. Thank you!
Thanks for watching!
Jerry, this is the best ever video on this subject. I have to congratulate you for your insight and ability to explain. This comes exactly 💯 at the right time for my situation.
Thank you for your kind words
My aggresive, overt narcissistic father apoligized once to me as well, after talking to his best friend. It's long time ago, and I still apreciate it because I saw what it took out of him to do so and I believe that at least in the moment, he meant it. However, there was no real change there. He remained under my mothers thumb ( covert narc) and both my parents and siblings have to resort to viewing me as insane in order to calmly have some contact with me and tolerate my boundaries. I'm still practicing radical acceptance and lowering my expectations. And ofcourse there is minimal contact. Thank you Jerry for shedding light on this 🙌 I still need that regularly
Thanks Jerry, I can relate to everything you say as my father is a deep narcissist. Could you please consider doing a video where one has a narcissistic parent and the other parent was super passive or just looked the other way while one was growing up? What are the particular effects of this in adulthood? You’ve mentioned this parent situation in passing in other videos and I feel it would be worth exploring a bit more. Thanks and keep up the great work!
And no subtlety. "If you loved me you would _____" literally said outloud.
TY. It's complicated. When I was doing ACA/COA groups, I became aware that one carries the behavior of the alcoholic parent even if one doesn't do drugs or drink. I ghost a bit because of the problem of bringing up an issue with Mom or a sister -- even a minor issue -- could result in over-the-top retaliation. I have a GF now who actually listens and responds to issues calmly. It's impressive.
If my parents pulled that at 91 it's not a win for me. They're basically realizing they'll be dead at any moment and trying to now gaslight God before they kick the bucket.
Ditto, here, my mother is a covert narcissist. The closest she ever came to apologising was to state that she thought she may owe me an apology! She’s lied all of her life. Now she has dementia I don’t believe anything she says.
She, my mother, laid the foundation of my brother and sister's dysfunctional later life- felons, substance abuse, high school dropouts, and teen parents- but would and does get upset because the effects are still in them to this day. And I am supposed to assist her in carrying that or be her emotional support or sounding board along the way.
They are in Maryland and I am in Tennessee is/was my response.😊
"Let me straighten out you so that you will be more like me."- Narcissistic proverb.😂
I just added the "Narcissistic proverb", but that thought came to me.
The say that narcissistic parents often produce fearful-avoidant attachment in their children. At least that's what I see in my family. As the scapegoat, I lean more avoidant and my golden child sister leans more anxious.
I have a video on how narcissistic parents break your attachment style
ruclips.net/video/_-rPFuDnvrY/видео.htmlsi=yn8eHf0b62MYnqP5
"You are me and I am you."
I really like your last bit, where you talk about 180ing their behaviors, instead of going completely orthogonal and freeing oneself from their programming
Jerry, I'm a scapegoat. Your way of explaining things amongst the thousands of other "you-tubers" , ( let alone therapists in real life who know nothing) is .....surreal. You get to the core and explain in simple terms even a child can understand. Those are the types that win Nobel prizes in writing. I'm not trying to flatter you...I just can't explain how you've set free so many of us, especially cuz you went through the narcissistic "it". I wish my life could have helped so many like you are, but I'm just as happy to help my ONLY child, my precious son, to be set free from this generational prison, so he can live a better life than me. I made so many mistakes raising him, so thanks for your WISDOM!!!!
Thank you so much for your kind words. 😊
This makes so much sense. Developing healthy boundaries is the toughest work possible.
I left them. Doing plastic surgery changed my name, religion and changing location. Everytime i takema shower i clean memories of rhwir abuse. Now i will do wjat i want and ignore their bullshit. I became very strong and never i let people treat people me how they want. Ever
My mother also didn't do Thoughtful. When decorating for her birthday party, I always decorated with everything she loved. When (and if) she decorated for my party, it was using whatever the store clerk recommended.
Party? What party? lol my 16 th birthday consisted of inviting my three neighborhood friends over for cake, that’s it. No decorations, no balloons, no school friends (didn’t even ask me) I don’t think it even had candles or we sang happy birthday. Worst birthday “ party “ ever! Never had any other birthday parties. I gave my kids the best parties with everything they wanted. Apparently it meant nothing to them anyway. People are complicated.
wow what a mind game this was as a kid....thank you
Thank you for shedding light on this, Jerry, the anxious attachment even from a distance has been so confusing and damaging.
Very welcome
been stuck in a state of denying that my mom has a lot of these traits. this was very eye opening.
I have followed many channels and I have never seen this explained so clearly. It makes sense and is the key to correcting unhealthy behavior. Thank you!
Thanks for watching!😊
Wow! This is so far from my parents and the way that I parented. Good to know that I wasn’t reared by narcissists! And I didn’t parent this way, I celebrate the strength and beauty in my kids and they did the hard work! Kudos to them!
May I ask why you even watched his video if you never experienced narcissistic abuse? Glad for you and your kids, but, how did your comment even relate to most viewers on here who are struggling? How does your comment relate or encourage others on a forum where people who are hurting don't benefit from Commets like yours
You nailed it!!! And as an only child at 63 I wish I had siblings to share the crap with lol
Thank you Jerry! I’m 41 and just now learning how I was raised is much worse than I thought. You are helping😊me!
Wonderful!
This was a very powerful message. Many tears shed as I now realize I am the 180…I have always said I have tried so hard not to be my mother and boy, have I swung the other way.
painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
You're very welcome!😃
Good to get straight into it. Thank you
Everything explained in this video is a sum of my experiences with my own parents. For instance, I also never got genuine apologies from my parents and since my enmeshment has been more linked with my mom-my father was more standoffish and quick to anger and intimidation tactics; constructive criticism was misinterpreted all the time on her side, and it got so bad that I too started to have similar problems with negative criticisms like my parents which allowed them to enmesh the capacity to reverse antagonisms towards me. In reality I was projecting what they had inculcated into me. Thank you doctor Wise.
Perhaps I suffer from this excessive form of empathy, perhaps I a the unhealthy polar opposite of my narcissistic parents. Interesting thing is that the number of videos I have watched form you Mr. Wise has allowed me to come to these conclusions now here you come with this v idol providing your helpful professional opinion and it corroborated by deductive reasoning.
Thank you! Such a massive healing effect. The videos of others help me to know more but never made any internal change. Your videos help me to know and feel better, feel (!) the glimpse of light, freedom and true myself. Such a positive change! Take care of yourself, we need you ❤😊🌺
Many thanks! Appreciate you ❤️
In my culture, in most cases parents have children and raise them, send them to college etc so they take care of them during their older ages. And god forbid someone like me walks into a family like that and questions that BS, I would become the monster. Their own child who married someone like me is shamed, blackmailed and at times threatened as well. They use their other kids as their flying monkeys to do their bidding. It took me 10 years to walk away from my in-laws. While I was dealing with them, I discovered how narcissistic my own dad was and was doing the same thing to me and my brother. Ughhhh so sick and tired of these people. I have two kiddos of my own, I am doing everything in my power to break this cycle and never be that narcissistic parent to them.
Jerry, nobody understands and gets to the heart of the dysfunction and issues that narcissistic parents cause. They can’t Unbreak themselves, we can” ! A video I will watch several times like your “calmness is everything “ video. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!🙏🏼💕❤️
Thank you so much 😊
We have a narcissistic family member who now has dementia and all symptoms of narcissism are exacerbated. It’s a living nightmare. No idea how to survive this.
Thank yu sincerely Dr wise ❤ i find myself oddly apologizing for everything im a work on that but this one is right on point i need to definitely be taking this class twice 😅
Is this when they tell you how and where youll work, go to church, marry?
It seems that if they can't engage in self-reflection, it will be difficult for them to get out of their lifelong self-imprisonment and heal their narcisism, if for no one but themselves. But maybe when a child goes no contact, it will be a "wake up" call?
Tu jerry this was great. Made me understand alot more than I thought 😊❤
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for such an insightful video.
Glad you enjoyed it!
6:38 boundaries. Wow!
My mother blamed all of her DWIs on someone else, and she was always driving. Always.
00:33 ❌ Narcissistic parents cannot handle criticism constructively.
00:47 🚫 They do not support their children's independence; emotional enmeshment is prevalent.
02:02 🔍 Narcissistic parents lack self-reflection.
02:49 ❤ They are incapable of providing unconditional love.
03:29 💔 Empathy is absent in narcissistic parents.
05:00 🚧 They do not respect boundaries.
07:01 🥳 Narcissistic parents can't celebrate their children's successes independently.
08:17 🔒 They do not recognize or admit their vulnerabilities.
09:01 🙅♂ Genuine apologies are rare or non-existent from narcissistic parents.
11:01 📉 Children of narcissistic parents might exhibit polarized behaviors in response.
13:41 🔄 Healing involves becoming your true self, not just the opposite of the narcissistic parent.
thank you, I really couldn't conceive of enmeshment before your explanation... I am going to think of it as hitching a wagon and taking up the hitch with their attachment style and inhibiting me from having an open secure available hitch for others to interlock
Glad it was helpful!
My polar opposite to my family made me more like them. Idk. lol!!! That’s some food for thought.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊