Narcissistic Parents: Horrific Ways they Break Your Boundaries
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- Narcissistic parents engage in horrific boundary-breaking with their children. They did this when you were young and also now when you are an adult.
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➡️ Video Timestamps:
00:00 - Intro
0:16 - Breaking internal & external boundaries
1:41 - Orbiting around them
2:44 - Boundary breaking types
4:44 - Parentification
7:54 - Privacy & autonomy
12:40 - Getting punished for growing up
14:49 - Steps to healing
19:31 - Subscribe!😊
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List of recommended books to read: www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
➡️ Recommended Playlists:
Learn How To Set Boundaries in Dysfunctional Relationships- • Boundaries with Narcis...
Keys to Overcoming Narcissistic Family Rules- • Narcissistic Family To...
Adult Children of Narcissists- • Adult Children of Narc...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC as of this date has over 300+ videos on You Tube. He has 45 years of experience helping people become more self-differentiated, unstuck, and overcome the effects of their family of origin imprinting and emotional functioning. He uses a Bowen Family Systems approach to help coach those who are in recovery, healing from Codependency and other dysfunctional family-of-origin issues.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Thanks for the info.
Oftentimes, the self-loathing narcissistic mother doesn’t want anyone to know there are abusers and criminals in her family so she’ll go to great lengths to discredit police reports made by anyone brave enough to escape the dysfunctional “cult”
When you're a child they expect you behave like an adult and when you're an adult they treat you as a child. It's infuriating!
Very sad. But we can break the cycle
Wow! Soooooo True…CRAZY TRUE..
THIS. Literally let toddlers almost die left and right and then try to infantalize teens and adults. Because they don't actually CARE if you live or die. They care about two things: power and image. That's all.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101 Also about control and sometimes just plain entertainment.
Well said!
It's SO weird and downright backwards 🤷♀️ They will gossip, blame, defame your character, insult, belittle, shame and give the silent treatment. 🚫
Yes! Good thing we now get to take care of ourselves. I wish there was not narcissism in families!! But we get to be loved (by us and other healthy people) and we are going to be ok.
@@ar7tis5227 Amen 🙏✝️❤️
Nailed it.
Was done by my mom
I have a ( not fun) joke; there is just one thing WORSE then mom doesn't talk to me.. THAT IS When she Does Talk to me.
My mother and sister completely manipulated me into staying close to them even though it put my life on hold...for no reason. I was just here to hold them up because they were too weak to get mentally well.
Mom getting Alzheimers and sis discarding me for not attending a Christmas party has been the best thing in my life.
Get as far away as possible before they decide that you're their slave/caretaker for life, or at least give yourself some space in order to re-think what you're willing to do if you decide to help them anyway.
@@gotinogaden Thank you, I am. My husband, kids and I are moving 1000 miles away to another country next summer. I will not be pulled back in. Luckily my parents have money so I have no guilt about my mom's illness, she's got plenty of money to pay for good care.
My mom manipulated my brother and I to stay close to her. Mom and brother were totally codependent. I did NOT want that. I applied for college and almost didn't go because my mom threw away the letters of acceptance from the college, but they called and I answered the phone, thankfully. She wanted me to stay at home and work in the grocery store where she worked. I stayed away from her as much as I could, then cut her off.
WOW! Our mother & Dad scored 100% on Narcisism PLUS their resourceful Cruelty; they earned EXTRA CREDIT.
Enjoy your life and being yourself.. seriously… I get what you’re saying… You are worthy.. and you have a right to be - YOU!
It is funny how your feelings can be wrong, but their feelings and opinions are always right. No matter what.
Or they can say whatever the hell they like but if we said the same things they'd go crazy!
Both parents were abuser narcissists. I purposely cut myself with razor blades (old fashioned kind) when I was four years old. Mom called a friend who bandaged me up. Mom was so nice. As soon as the friend left mom went off on me for embarrassing her. What 4yo cuts themselves with razors on purpose? The abuse was so bad and my grandma was thousands of miles away. I had nobody. I still have the scars 55 years later. I went through trauma therapy for 3 years from 2018 to 2021. I got so much better. But my therapist never acknowledged the gaslighting when i mentioned it. We didnt talk a whole lot about narcissism even when i brought it up. I'm learning a lot about my narcissistic parents by listening to these vids. TY
Yes, I'm 52 years old, and I wish wish wish I'd had this information so much earlier. Before my narcissistic parents hoovered me back into their lives because of their aging and illnesses. Aging narcissists are..... indescribably WORSE. I'd gone low-contact since I graduated from high school, but kept getting hoovered back because of financial issues -- both mine and theirs. Enmeshment. My narcissistic mother PLANNED it that way. It's insidious. If I'd only known.... if you even SUSPECT your parent has narcissistic personality disorder is manipulative in any way.... DIVORCE your finances from them, if you haven't already. It's crazy-making what they can do if you cause them narcissistic injury. No contact has been survival for me.
I'm 62 and my 82 year old mother still breaks boundaries. What's important is how I respond. Detachment is hard but vital. Straying from my lane gets me run over
My narc mother would go through my bedroom & steal, throw away and/or giveaway my things. it didn't matter if I bought it or it was given to me. My stuff was up for grabs. She even went through my purse & stole my credit card...then made me out to be the bad guy because I felt disrespected, hurt & mad. She always claimed she did nothing wrong!
Edit: I was also made to feel responsible for my mother at the age of 9! Heavy sigh
And that's why I'm no contact with my toxic mom. Easier to learn how to declutter n organize my stuff without her in my life.
OMG that refrain, "I didn't do ANYTHING wrong." It haunts my dreams still after nearly 17 years of being no contact. If I "proved" my case then I was still at fault because I wasn't perfect and I was a monster for expecting her to always be perfect.
@@airenmoonwolf2520 That's because you can't win with these people. If you stick up for yourself because of something they did...your wrong...if you do nothing then they just keep doing crap to you. If you do everything they want you to do your still wrong. They always change the rules...moving to goal post. If you're still having nightmares then try journally out your feelings & thoughts...get them out of you. And your right you did nothing wrong. These people live in a false reality. I'm sorry that your still feeling the sting of it after so many yrs. I hope you find healing & peace, but I think it never truly goes away...but we still can have peace.
Wow, so helpful for me. Thank you. The recommendations for healing resources are invaluable.
I was responsible for my mom, dad and older brother. I became a mother to my brother and a wife to my dad when I was 10yo.
Yes indeedie doo. They break your boundaries whenever it suits them, and then if you speak up to object to it, then there is "something" wrong with you. Sickening and vile behavior. Lack of accountability means a healthy relationship is not possible.
My narc father...exactly!
So true
These types of parents despise individuation with their kids and much better prefer merging into them when it meets their needs.
At their sole convenience!
Only their needs and conveniece!
They never encourage or validate or show joy at your joys. All a ploy to keep you down and in the fold. The only time they smile at you is when you're doing what they want you to do
As an adult who grew up with narcissistic parents I am still trying to unlearn certain beliefs, values , etc.
My mom used to go through my phone and read my text messages if I withheld who I was talking to from her. I also realize that narcissis are a walking contradiction. They'll tell you, "grow up be an adult"
But if you call they're bluff, they'll make excuses as to why you shouldn't really do it.
They never mean what they say, or say what they mean.
spot on, “they never mean what they say or say what they mean”, I would observe it as my mum always has some hidden meaning or agenda to literally just anything she does or says
Oh God...ALL the lies I used to believe because I loved a bunch of CRAZIES I got dealt....
I regret sharing something today with my mom, and she reminded me why I rarely share with her.
Yes, I have learned to withhold info from my narc father. Good or bad, I withhold.
@@rachc5496 It's sad that we have to be this way, but we kind have to for our survival and peace of mind.
Everything here is what I've been going through my whole life
Sending love and healing your way❤️
Thank you. Realising my mother was probably reading my diary for years was a horrible realisation.
Boundary-breaking is not “loving” but very “DISRESPECTFUL”.
My narc dad, in front of my friend, told me that I had to give him the key to my place, that he could walk in at any time, but I couldn't have the key to his house and do the same. I had to clear it ahead of time with him, honor his boundaries. He would not have honored me. Neither he, nor I, have the key to each other's place He demands I respect him, but puts me down because I am female. That's wrong on all levels. He tries to shame me into letting him stomp all over me and thank him for it; that it shows I am humble, it's humilating, not a form of humbleness. Just control. I have nil to no contact with him, for my own protection. I am 60, I don't live with him, yet, he makes nitpicky comments(finding fault with me). He thinks he is Jesus, because he has a beard, and can judge me. He has a beard, but he acts the opposite way, totally controlling and men when I don't jump when he barks. His attitude problem/behavior, not mine. Only his way, no one else's opinions matter to him. He doesn't like to be stood up to/called out by. Too freaking bad for him. I don't kow-tow to him! He hates it. Good, I win!
This explains my entire childhood and adulthood. Everything. Every point. The "lecturing"- it's ONLY how my parents talk to people- and then they wonder why their siblings don't talk to them or tell them things.
my goodness you put the perfect words to explain what boggled my mind for so many years. I struggled to understand why my parents were so angry at me while I was growing up and finding my own voice. I became a lot harder to control and I saw them flail as they tried to regain control. Many times they did by breaking down my psyche and causing me to lose all trust and confidence in myself and my perception of reality. I didn't realize that what was being activated in them was SHAME. Every time I fought against the dysfunctional system they felt SHAME. Wow.
I feel all of this and I so internalized that shame.
@@jamisonlamkin5576 Me too. They have to project that shame so that we carry it instead of them. They don't know how to regulate their feelings so they use us to do it for them.
@@serenaatallah641 Ugh, hit the nail on the head!
My dad thinks I owe him to walk all over me. He doesn't knock, he barges in. He doesn't care; he shamed me for putting up barriers. He would "interrogate, attack(mostly verbally) and shame me. He's an asshole! He still acts entitled to waste my time, at his sole convenience, that I can't complain. I put up boundaries: he hates that, he shamed me, that I didn't "trust" him(I didn't and still don't!) He doesn't like not controlling me. Too bad for him. I don't owe him me!
Omg "narcissistic interrogation": I have ALWAYS wondered why it bothers me when my sister asks what I feel to be intrusive questions about my life. "What did your psychiatrist say?" Excuse me? I'm just drinking my coffee, why are you concerned about my mental health treatment? "Why did you buy bottled water?" I don't think that's any of your concern ma'am, I didn't spend it with your money. We both grew up with narcissistic parents and I do believe she picked up some of their traits.
People with NPD are very invasive.
YES!!! It used to be such a paralyzing fear… Sometimes it still is! I question all the time WHY I feel so fearful of living my life. I’m working through it and I’m getting better.
Dad expects me to put up and shut up about his abuse of me. I don't owe him anything! His attitude/behavior: his responsibility/blame, but he tried to blame me for abusing me(in many ways). He's so wrong!
Oh my gosh! Epiphany! Not my job to take care of golden child… and by living my life filling the role of tending to their needs… STILL ISN’T my job… especially since it means being put down and made fun of the whole time… F&*( that noise.
"I'm just trying to help you" is the excuse my mother uses. I'm so glad to not be living in her rent house anymore.
“I don’t appreciate you offering me help without me asking for it, moving forward if I am interested in receiving help from you I will make sure to approach you. Thank you”.
Keep up your healing❤️
Gosh, my mom too. And this "help" contributed to me returning to a narcissistic partner because she felt she could control him... And many other severely bad decisions that have affected my life.
I still can't get over the opportunities I turned down because she guilt tripped me into working in the family business. It's so hard to forgive myself but I'm still working on it.
I'd like to give everyone their "World's Best Parentified Child" trophy 🏆! 😂😂
🤣 THat is such a great one!!!!!! Yes we were good parents...... way to early.....very sick...... Thanks for the humor!!!!!
Humor in healing is important😊❤️
'Break internal boundaries, saying your feelings are wrong or your identity is wrong'. Yes and yes. My mother told me I had my auntie's personality - a thief, a liar, secretive and like a man. I am none of those things. She said I was an actress and that I wasn't really crying or upset. I have spent my life not knowing who I am and disengaged from my own feelings. This has led me to terrible and frightening choices and has badly affected my own children.
One of my "nicknames" was "Sarah Bernhardt".....because I had real emotions and real outrage at her savage abuse....so I was making it up WAS her excuse.
I FINALLY found my adult voice with my Mom - at 59 years old! Thanks Jerry for your assistance. Terri Cole has been a great teacher on this subject as well. 👍
You are so welcome, keep up the good work❤️
Were you ever let back in. I stood up to my mum at 50. Two years later they are the injured party, saints for dealing with me, they just never speak to me now. It was a case of submit to our narrative or you are dead to us.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Same at 50 it was the first time I stood up and said "No!' Four years of complete silent treatment . The first year I tried writing her and I even took the blame for her abuse. After the first year of her cruel silent treatment I said to myself , I'm done. It's true if you don't do what they say you become an idiot in their eyes and then you are dead to them. She can't even face me and she knows my nature is gentle and forgiving. Even as adults they have to show who is large and in charge of your life. They are very sick selfish individuals.
@@SusanaXpeace2u She basically ostracized me and made sure everyone else did, too. I don't want "back in" now. Should have been out forty years ago. What a shit show! And, yes, it's poor Brenda - she's given her all to her screwed up daughter. (Which is entirely untrue. I paid her phone bill, took poor (even dangerous) treatment from her poor choices of men, took her on vacations, helped her get jobs (though she hated to work), etc...Father is the same, but he pilfered off my brother. Decades of verbal and emotional abuse and neglect behind the scenes.
@@SusanaXpeace2u But Susan you did take care of yourself!!!! Bummer they couldn't deal with the real you, but really it's their problem. I grieve that my dad will always be a narcissist.... I hate it. But because I differentiate, I am free.
"And don't ever question me"...this video is SO spot on. Sadly, I didn't awake to this in my crazy family and how wrong it was until around 30.
I'm sorry you went through this, and I'm glad my videos will be helpful to your healing journey.
"No knocking, just barging right in." Damn I feel that, sigh.
True. I am not the part my parents wrote for me, so I have been written out of the play directed by my mother
Healing is about being the part you are writing for yourself❤️
I wrote myself out. I’m tired of playing a role that is constantly changing.
I wrote myself out. I got tired of playing a role that they were constantly changing.
Oh my gosh! I was blamed for EVERYTHING, and I still am!
My mother was sick. She was a fragile diabetic and had EVERYTHING that went along with that. She lost her eyesight a few years before I was born. She had a quadruple bypass when I was 12. She went into renal failure when I was 18 and died from diabetes when I was 24… and I’m just hitting the high points.
Add a borderline narcissist to the mix and it was great!
My mother was amazing. Not perfect. But, AMAZING. She did everything in her power to ensure that I had as normal of a childhood as possible. She didn’t drive. That was it. But… My father… TOTALLY different story.
I know that there has to be some enmeshment issues with my mom and I, but it wasn’t because of her illness. My father was so mentally abusive that we were just trying to survive him! I was definitely his scapegoat, my mother was sometimes.
My mom wasn’t supposed to have kids, but she wanted them. My older sister died at 2 weeks old. They tried again and got me. I think that he blames me for her death at 55. Everything that went wrong with her… He told me it was my fault… Just for being a kid… I was always too emotional… I cried too much (usually because he was yelling)… I laughed too loud… You name it… And yes, I got in trouble for falling down…
I’m no contact and it’s taken lots of therapy, but I am [mostly] healed!
When my husband asked to marry me, my parents wrote on a post note several suggested demands..including:
We cannot move away
My son has to attend catholic school when older
My husband can not exceed a certain speed limit with my son in the car on the interstate.
They had him sign it
Thank you for sharing this Jerry! Even though this is all in the past now it's still carrying over in my daily life when I ruminate on what happened. I feel so angry for not finding out about narcissism earlier in my life. I feel that I've been robbed of years where I was made to feel guilty because I wanted to be myself and not what they wanted me to be.
“I don’t prefer to do that”. SILENCE. Wow. THIS is why I get so very much out of your talks Jerry. Thank you so much!🙏🏼👏🏻💕
Great job, Sheryl!!!! That took some courage!!!! And silence (respect) was appropriate for the " I don't prefer to do that." I love it as we get healthier and share it!!!!!
It is a beautiful and very powerful sentence❤️
The best pause after saying it is the internal pause- saying it without becoming reactive to their possible response
Thank you, Jerry. My mother has severe anxiety and a persistent lack of self worth but is not self aware of this. She would highly offended at the suggestion. She is a loving person but crosses boundaries often. I often feel confused in how to relate to her and now that she is in her late 70s I worry about how best to care for her.
It seems that our oldest child suffers from thinking/feeling she needed to parent. "You know that Aunt Agnes thinks you are wrong."
Aunt Agnes has no say in the situation.
I set a boundary with my parents almost 2 years ago: do not bring up work/finances/FT jobs/insurance, etc. This was after my father gave us a speech and lecture over the phone because he thought (?) we were going to ask to borrow money. My mother set that one up. We weren't. He insulted me on this call. My mom said NOTHING. Old news with that.
when I sent this email to my father, setting the boundary, he emailed me back an article on the differences between FT jobs and FT jobs _with benefits._ 🤦🏻♀️ I went no contact for a few months with my dad, which ended after a 3 hour call where I shared a ton. They validated and apologized. Ok, cool.
This last August they came for my surprise Birthday party. I was so glad they came. Was, being the key word!
The next morning my father used God as an excuse to blow past my boundary *again* and treated me and my husband like children. (I'm 41 & he's 53!!!) I was on cloud 9 from my birthday and my dad came into my house and treated me like a child, guilting and shaming me and hubby about our jobs! THEN they questioned our church attendance! THEN my mom calls me a few days later and said she sees red flags in my marriage. 🤦🏻♀️
So I was with a horrific abuser for 14 years and they didn't say crap....now I'm with the love of my life who is so wonderful and healthy and my mom says she "is worried he's taking advantage of me." 😳🤯🤯🤯😂😂😂😂
Oh, boy. If she wants to talk about red flags, I'd love to share with her allllllll the red flags I see in their marriage.
That's exactly why I'm not longer speaking to my dad...among many many other reasons, but that's the one that broke the relationship up. His audacity was almost unbelievable..it felt like he was the villain of a bad B movie.
I’m sorry this is your story Audree, I wish you healing and the ability to move past this❤️
@@jerrywise Thank you very much. Your videos are really helping, I feel validated and they give tangible things to work on. The first step towards recovery is acknowledging there is a problem and naming it. Thank you for everything you do. 💕
@@dree8300 you are so welcome
SO SAD what we went through....and THEN TOLD WE WERE NOT ACTING RIGHT...
words can’t express how your videos reveal the unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships that began in childhood into today for me.
I’m 53, a former therapist and just now realized that I was a parentified child by my mom. She moved me into the role she needed at the time (Parent, rescuer, best friend and listener). As I am working through all of this, I keep asking the question “is she toxic or a covert narcissist “? She has and continues to try to impose herself in every aspect of my life and breaks every boundary mentioned in the video. How can I know if she is just codependent herself and immature and has developed toxic patterns, or if she is a covert narcissist. I feel like knowing the “why” behind her behavior would make it easier for me to establish and protect my boundaries, go no contact etc..
They will never admit it!
You are correct. As I say it, the FEEL-THINK is way too strong for many families to come out of denial, or be self-reflective and self-responsible. For them it is not about logic, it is all about feelings, fear, defensiveness, blaming, etc. Which they don't want to see, or resolve. Thank you for watching.
Man is on point on everything he says.
I’m glad it resonated John. Welcome to the family? I hope you find my other videos helpful as well
Thank you!!! I just had a ridiculous conversation about why I’m not watching tv & how tragic that is, lol
Another remarkable video, Jerry. Thank you.
My Dad passed in January. My enabled brother lives with my Mom. It's surprising he has taken care of my parents (now my Mom) this long. I am thankful for that. But the shaming by my brother and my Mom never ends. My Mom's has intensified. She sounds more and more like my brother- who believes and says outrageous things about me and my sister. My sister and I are not speaking. My Mom wonders why the family has fallen apart.
Well, we had 3 narcissists in the family. My brother is the dominant one (an alcoholic who seems to have mental illness). Dad was self-absorbed. My Mom is the suffering, helpless narcissist. My parents main goal in life seems to have been to "take care" of my brother. My Dad said, "he's the least likely to be able to take care of himself." When I confronted my Mom about their enabling. She said, "we help those in need. That's what families do."
I parented my Mom - who had chronic pain my whole life. I am so tired of my family of origin. I don't go to my Mom's house. Wow, the shaming they try to use to change that... The amount of effort I have had to put into getting well is significant...
Thank goodness your videos were available. I am so thankful.
I am glad I found you. I have been through so much. From jobs, to abort my child to my second child being put up for adoption without my consent. Therapists left and right. Got no where.
I told my narc mom that I don’t like it when she asks where I’m going or where am I. I also told her it bothers me when she asks if I’ve eaten or tells me I need to eat…moving forward, she would mention these things even more because she knew I didn’t like them. When I reiterated my boundaries with her, she got really upset then played victim. What most surprises me about narcissistic parents, is that they will purposely do things to push their child’s buttons or upset their child. What kind of evil world do you live in that make you want to intentionally want to harm others, especially your own children. I don’t bother her at all, I only show love and kindness, but for some reason, she wants me to hurt or suffer. I just don’t understand how someone could be that evil
When they ask me certain questions, I just say that I am not at liberty to say. I feel as though the Holy Spirit has been advising me to move in silence in this season and I'm doing just that. No matter what. I don't care how upset they get or whatever the case maybe. Smh.
Truth is weightless
I liked the concept of "knocking" in adult relationships, I'll have to think about that. I think I sometimes unknowingly overstep my boundaries with others. I also like the phrase that you proposed "I prefer not to". I have autistic traits and having mini-scripts like that for the "no" situations is super helpful. Thanks for your work!
Excellent video! I can relate to this from having a dad with narcissistic tendencies as wel as a codependent mother - I became the parent for my mother. I had to take care of my younger siblings while growing up. Both parents violated my boundaries. My dad has died. My Mom now expects me to spend holidays with her & I don't really want to. I stayed with her for 4-months last year during COVID-19 fixing up her home, cleaning her home, taking her to doctors, eye surgery, setting up in-home care, etc. Putting things in place my dad should have done over the years. Even visited her this year for a weekend. It's a 3-hour flight plus 1 and 1/2 hour drive to see her. I'm so tired! Booked my flight & reserved the rental car to see her for this Thanksgiving - think I may cancel to stay home & relax. Feeling kinda guilty if I don't go see her because children are suppose to give their widowed parent what they need.
Have you decided yet? 😊
Maybe if you go for Thanksgiving you can spend Christmas at home xx
Dad (narc) taught, in fact, told me "you don't have the right to say no" He's a control freak! I am expected, by him, to put up, don't complain, don't tell anyone else, and don't stand up to me." A very oppressive attitude/behavior towards me. Overbearing, too! He does this to shut me down, totally. So I won't stand up to him and call him out. He cuts me down before I open my mouth, so he can run roughshod all over me, and acts entitled to do that, because he is male, my father. That I have to jump when he barks. Wrong!
I feel like a "Stepford" adult child! I am not obedient! He doesn't like that, too bad for him!
the spiritual boundary Ive gone through it with my mother
I did not know what to do with my guilt. I thought it was coming from me. Best friend recovered in 12 step program and thought so. She just tells me to screw guilt. Both parent are narcissistic and rejected me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was coming from my parents and trying to people please their wishes and desires and not my own self or lack of identity. Yes getting both of my narcissistic parents out of me, my mind, body, and spirit would help. Yes never trying to get my parents to change ever worked. They don't care. They think I am the problem. They never Love, Care, and are Supportive.
My alcoholic father just judges, criticizes, self will run riot, gaslights, and deflects any blame away from himself. He is the alcoholic, adulterer (he remarried to a step mother and I have a 25 year old sister I am age 51), and workaholic. My dad blames me for treating my mom badly. I am supposed to protect my moms health. I do not consider my moms health problems.
My mom blames me for the family problems. I am never good enough, I waste her time, I share feelings, I ask questions and question the family system, and I try to solve family problems. She ignores me, never wants to talk to me, and does not want to discuss any of the families decisions to me. They never want to tell me anything because I will question in it. When I had to move from my mom's parents family farm, my mom lied to me and said I could stay as long as I want. The new owners would give me option to rent. This was not true.
hello jerry, this was outstanding! You hit a home run out of the park. Everyone in the world should hear this. God Bless. Eileen
Thank you Eilieen, I’m glad my work is helping you and others
@@jerrywise You do outstanding work. You are very helpful to those who have to struggle with these fragmented people. I want to thank you. You get specific and give real life help. You have helped me greatly. eileen
@@jerrywise ❤ One can tell how hard you have worked at this. I appreciate you! eileen
I love this title so much and can’t wait for your talk Jerry👍🔥
I really enjoyed making this video. knowing how narcissistic parents engage in breaking our boundaries, can allow us to put a stop that boundary breaking as well as help us learn what is not normal to do our children.
Thank you Martha for being part of the community and for your support!
And it was great as usual!🔥💛
I can relate. My Narc mom got upset when I did not invite her to a mini high school reunion with an old classmate of mine 🤦🏾♀️ she was adamant that I should have invited her. But I stood my ground.
Oh my word! :(
@@blessed4149 yes she’s ridiculous
My narcissistic mother would visit us and steal things from my house. In addition to my things, she took my children’s birthday invitations from friends and notes my kids wrote to each other. She kept these things for years and then wrapped them up as a gift to them. Just sick.
9:25 “ perpetual state of childhood”, for their inability to entertain themselves. Holiday requirements too! 12:45 was important also.
"i did not sleep for 22 months because of you." because she breastfed me
" its like a devil took over you once you turned 12"
" why are you crying? stop that!" ( when my father died- they were divorced)
' you took "the reins" out of my hands when you hit puberty" i had to repeat I AM NOT A HORSE too many times
reading my diary- so i stopped writing
"i never married again because of you"
"i never went out with friends because of you" ( she has zero friends)
How about "You need to talk about your problems". My adopted histionic mother's mother told me at 15. Glad I didn't listen to it and clammed up even more. My personal business didn't need to be told to "The Family". Deep down, I knew not to betray myself. But in the back of my mind, I still hear that voice. All the more reason to stop talking to people about my problems. The should's are always what to watch out for. Those old phrases were designed to keep us in control forever. Because, if we werent aware of these harmful people, their words would never die. Even when they physically do. But relieved I don't have to Listen to it from her anymore. But she has a son who was taught with shame.
Thank you ! So clear…. I have to learn all about boundaries… as a scapegoat who was parentified …
You are so welcome
No wonder I have social anxiety when I have overprotective narcissistic parents.
This playlist might be helpful to you-
Systems feelings vs real feelings
ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W1yMM0IliWcTXjfBmNSwQKi
Thank you once again Jerry. Brian and I have both dealt with these issues and the guilt, shame and anger were often overwhelming and all we were doing was becoming functioning adults. Thanks to your work, we’re free from all of that nasty business. Muchas Gracias!!! ❤
I'd prefer not. I like that Jerry ✌
My narcissistic father died 2 months ago, age 95 and I'm surprised how I am grieving him ... grieving what never was as much as anything. I'm almost 65 now
They also say expect you to apologize to them for accusing them! Dad expects me to put up and shut up. I have blocked his number on my phone. I am so done with his narcissistic attitude/bad behavior. His flying monkey/enabler girlfriends comment was "He's always been this way and won't change." I refuse to jump when he barks, at his convenient. I've had it with his overbearing attitude! I am 60, not living with him. He doesn't like it when I complain, and tell me that "you misinterpreted what I said", and blames me for his abusing me. I have not asked for his opinion, yet he expects me to take his comments/behavior at face value, with no complaints. Surreal!
I had a spinster Aunt who would send political propaganda via email, usps & im. I asked her NOT to send these materials to my inbox, home, etc. I lived with the narc rage of my Father~her brother, (sometimes on the daily), but had been spared the Auntie's narc rage until then. Mind you, I'm 40 years old & in no way going to be swayed by her opposing political beliefs! Boy, did she go off!! But, in a letter, not to my face, as she is a coward. My last communication with her was in the form of a short note I sent via the mail, stating: I am merely asking that you not send these materials to my home. Please respect my wishes. Never heard from her again, and her political candidate lost! Lol.
My father passed recently and this estate issue is getting worse. The circumstances surrounding this is what broke the camel’s back. Now I’m looking through my life and can see how some of the toxic behaviour is mirrored in others and in me. May God bless you and the people you help heal. Take care, Jerry. Thanks for my new lease on life.
Im sorry for your lost, and thank you for your support, I'm glad that my videos was helpful to you. Take care.
Thanks. I'm older and need help with this.
If a child/ person was never affected by narcissistic parents in any way shape of form it wouldn't be normal would it?.......
Whoa- a majority of these boundary breakers. Love your channel Jerry!
This is such a good one for me. Thank you. It reminds me how much of these boundary breaks narcs use in conversation, even when you first meet them, just see how I will or will not respond I think. I mean as far as I can tell both my parents are narcs on two different spectrums and I’m pretty sure my whole family system runs on these dynamics. But when I separated from my whole family, 20 something years ago, the boundary breaks ramped up to new psychotic levels. I have a theory that they were going for a whole new trauma bond, but all I saw was that I made the right choice.
As a survivor of a narcissistic father you are always DEAD ON. Keep up the good fight. God bless you Jerry Wise. 💙🤗
Oh my goodness this is such a good video! I knew my mother was breaking my boundaries but this video has actually outlined so many more boundaries than I had realised. My late father in law said to me a month after my husband and I were married, why I wasn't pregnant yet! We have WAY too many narcissistic people in our family.
I'm sorry you have to deal with lots of narcissistic in your family, and I’m glad the video was helpful to you, thank you for your support!
Right! And, definitely not physical boundaries!! 🙏💐🙏💐🙏
Thank you for giving me words to describe what I've been feeling
You are welcome, thanks for watching the video
Thank You Jerry! I wish I had had your lesson before my marc mother killed my soul. My life could have gone differently. But do your job for those who are still on the battlefield. Because this is it.
What you said is so true about boundaries, freedom to fall down, try and fail and make mistakes. I didn't have that
My mom has broken into my room on numerous occasions. Even with a lock, she made it a point to let me know that she could access my private space. I am a grown adult. I escaped her rage and abuse 5 weeks ago and today I see video evidence of her yet again accessing a room that she has no business in and removing my camera so that she can rummage through my things. For 4 years she lived with me and watched me work my life away while she sat around causing division, and drama, and refused to contribute to the household.
I have never felt like I had a parent. I have always been the parent. Been the therapist. Been the sound of reason. I need therapy but I don't even know how to unpack the years of hell.
I think they do that as a way to try to tear down your self-esteem or something. Just ask questions out of nowhere that could be painful or hurtful.
Excellent session! Absolutely nailed how insidious and treacherous boundary breaking can be (and is!). Thanks so much!
You're so welcome Malik. I am glad that you enjoyed the video
"I would prefer not to" can be complete stonewalling. Melville had a character called Bartleby the Scrivener who says that over and over in a story about him, forcing others to accept his preference or to use force. Bartleby was dealing with 19th century public politeness, though, not narc parents.
I don't really feel ĝuilty...
Systems feelings...
Excellent video
Will I ever stop second guessing myself that "they aren't so bad" and "I'm overreacting"?
Thank you so much
You are so welcome ❤️
Thank you for another great video!
You are very welcome Kelly!
Really validating video, thank you. I'm still learning about boundaries 3 years into my healing so this has been very educational.
I’m glad the video was validating.
You might find my other videos on boundaries helpful
ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W2hJBDh27eYY7e0xiFnDbtQ
They're listening in the kitchen right now lol
Excellent video Jerry 🫶 This video really highlights the importance of removing the toxicity from the home as soon as possible to give our kids the best chance of success in leading a healthier life. Teaching our children how to set boundaries, grey rock, find their voice and say no with the narc parent are all crucial tools needed for them to be able to take their power back and stay safe. The healing path is so humbling. We all want the best for our kids and we all make mistakes. The difference though is that as recovering co-dependents we make a conscious effort everyday to learn, grow and heal; whereas the narc thinks they never do anything wrong. I'm proud of my progress Jerry and your videos really help me to recognize the areas where I have really grown and the ones where I still need to keep working. 💛
Thank you Jerry😁
You are very welcome
Another wonderful video!
I’m glad you enjoyed it Amy!
Wow, another great video! I just discovered you today and have learnt so much useful! Thanks for these videos!
Jerry, you are truly a blessing. I have found such comfort and understanding for myself from your videos.
This year I learned the word 'enmeshment' and since then it has been a roller-coaster of emotions, connections, and realizations. The true meaning and reasons behind different events have been coming to light daily.
I am still trying to process and understand everything. My biggest struggle is with the self-gaslighting about accepting the fact that my mother is a narcissist. (Even typing it out like that is difficult for me).
I just wanted to share that I learn something new every time I watch your videos. This video really opened my eyes to how much I needed to release these 'system emotions' and heal my inner child by being the understanding parent I never had. Thank you 🖤
So very true!!! Very clear analysis. Thank you, very much!!!
You are so welcome Adriana, thank you for watching!
One of your best Jerry!!! Gold!
Thank you Robert, I’m glad it resonated
Excellent, excellent video!! TY!!👏🏻👍🏻
You are very very welcome!
Great topic Jerry! And those are horrific! 😱 Also reminds me that others may suffer Different horrors from my own. Not all home invasions are the same.☺️
You speak the truth sir 👍
I’m glad the video was helpful to you
Mine said, "I can see your not going to be reasonable about this, lol" as if we can reason with our mental health.
Thanks for all of your wisdom! You have helped me to navigate challenging family dynamics over the last couple of years. 💙
You are very welcome ❤️
Thank you 🙏 Jerry!!
Here’s to 100k subs!!!! ❤❤❤Love 😊
You are very welcome! I hope my message continues reaching new audience, this is my way to make the world a better place. Thank you for you support!