Realistic Self-Worth for Scapegoat Survivors of a Narcissistic Parent
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- In today's video I explain how a scapegoat child manages to stay a part of the family's reality and have a way to believe self-worth will be possible. This is an adaptive way to survive an abusive childhood. In adulthood, this secret and perfectionistic basis for self-worth creates problems. I will explain how the scapegoat survivor can use current relationships to know it is safe to have shared and realistic standards. This recalibration of standards can produce a more solid basis for self-worth.
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"There was nowhere inside of him to recognise that there were his skills and determination that drove his good results" . This realisation hit hard. The lack of this inner place is painful. Thank you Jay for wording so skillfully our inner torment and bringing clarity to confusion.
“Making your secret self worth known to others”
Brilliant
It took me a while to understand what was the secret 😂...English is my second language.
I am going to write that on my chalkboard wall in my kitchen. My other favorite “slogan” … “good enough” by Pete Walker & THIS is so brilliant
This was a big part of the trauma. Many years with no shared anything. Reminiscing out loud was halted. They would make up details so I could be wrong about my recall. Nothing was ever enjoyable.
Your dog is expertly camouflaged in the background! Blissful!
Jay Reid, you are one of a kind in the depth of your understanding of how being a child of a narcissistic parent affects people, as children and as adults. It is such a relief to be able to see myself through the more realistic lens you provide with your writing and videos. For example, Greg's story in this video is so relatable. There is no chance for a child to really grow or to become truly confident, especially when you are the scapegoat child.
There are no words that can really capture my gratitude to you. You are someone who must be protected at all costs. ❤️
Jay is our best friend ❤
I have a hard time believing compliments about myself! I always think they cant see the real me that is a failure. Thank you so much for helping all of us to get our self worth back!!❤
1965, I was taking a world history class for sophomores in high school. it was very difficult. I always got As on the tests, but my friends were so irritated with me because I was sure I failed each test. In my mind, I either got 100% or I failed. Thanks for this video. It clarifies that experience for me.
4:48 Insisting on one's own worth could be as simple as setting boundaries with narc parent, as saying NO to the abuse, etc.
10:19 That is so true !!!!!!!!!!, that explains why I don't feel self-worth when I succeed.
Where would the child get such courage? Why would the parent stop the pressure and accept this new boundary?
Georgous pup in the background there! ❤
Lovely doggy... You are gem for us ❤
I found this one so relatable...
I am smort 😂💪
"They agree with you about your reasons for valuing yourself" 🔥
That's exactly what I thought abt, it's not enough if someone values you for any random reason. Not enough if they like your appearance but don't care what you've been through, what you learned and healed from. Basically abt your unique human experience.
I recently discovered that I have high tendencies of perfectionism and I was stunned! Hearing these validating points of these qualities and others completes the picture and helps explain some of my self-defeating patterns. Thank you so much!
Will you do a video on attracting more narcissists after being raised by one? I seemed to have not been able to cultivate safe relationships like I thought
It's ok. It goes with how we walk, our posture...I don't even need to open my mouth and, although I don't have any healthy connections, at least I have learned to detect them and get them off my back. Not bad considering I am a woman on my 60s. I have to go everywhere all alone and still narcissists try picking on me.
I realized gays are the only ones who don't feel the hunter's frenzy harassment. Not even straight women can't leave me alone because they feel superior or maybe because they think I'm a threat when I don't even care about looking to their husbands 😂...thanks God we are living the XXI century and not the Dark Ages.
U r a good person & u have always been... who also became a therapist. I'm glad to have met u here. U r the kind of people who ease up our life burning experience.
Write proper words, u sound like a slow learner.
Use proper words. U sound like a slow learner.
Slow learner speak.
@@streaming5332 “Slander is the revenge of a coward, and dissimulation of his defense.”
- Samuel Johnson
😉
I found you,Jay, about a year ago. But I started to hear about this info back in October 2021 from a Spanish speaker name Iñaki Piñuel, wish I will also incorauge people whom understand the language here go & check about him. I listen to a couple of people, so I think we all can, so I share his name with this community about people who speak these subjects. I started by a community of speakers on this in Spanish, & I was totally pleased with the info I get from Iñaki Piñuel. But I keep making a community of supporters like u to hear from.
The pupper who camouflaged with the chair in background ❤
Is that a malinois pupper?
Wow Jay, the timing of this video for me couldn't be more perfect. This is exactly what I did to break the mental weight from a narc family. I've always gotten along with other people and held a healthy self image. It was strange when something positive would happen to me and my family would react negatively. The more time you spend around new people that see you for who you are and appreciate you, the less weight the narc family carries on your self worth.
I'm feeling woke 😂. I had three majors awakenings (thought I call them "revolutions"): first happened in my teens because I I started to fight back (I didn't know it was impossible to win the war against your family with compassion, logic and understanding).
Second was when I finally left my sociopathic husband and the third and last one so far with my family and that has been the worst. It nearly killed me. Some people call it the Dark Night of the Soul (San Juan de la Cruz, Spanish Saint, mystic and poet). It's not over yet.
May God bless me and protect me because I don't have any factual support like always and sometimes I wonder how did I make it to reach six decades in my back. It's been a long but fruitless journey!
I hope you make it 💜 💕
Love from Andalusia.
Buen día dr. Reid.
Una excelente manera de comenzar mi jornada con este remanso de comprensión y apoyo en nuestras vidas.
También se experimenta el sentimiento de ser "fraudulento" y hasta desleal hacía el genitor abusivo, cuándo se tiene una vida, sueños e ilusiones "secretas" que uno desea preservar en privado. Nace más culpa, sobretodo al ser niños o muy jóvenes o no saber sobre estos temas. Ya de adultos resultamos indiscretos y sin pudor al compartir sin prudencia nuestra vida personal, tiempo, secretos e información sensible con otros, a menudo gente abusiva!
Nuestro nivel de auto exigencia es aún más elevado que las expectativas de nuestros enfermos genitores, buscando siempre complacerlos para que no nos agredan, imposible de lograr.
Ahora lo tengo mucho más claro. Gracias.
Ojalá se mejoré ud de su lesión del ojo izquierdo, se le nota con moretón.
Le envío apapachos a su fiel mascota, Brizo.
Atte.
Adriana Alvarado Rodríguez
I think you choose perfection because perfection has to be loveable - if perfection isn't loveable then nothing would be, so it must be. Never mind that various media depict extreme/perfect characters in shows and movies and these characters are adored by many fans.
Jay I could not thank you enough for your insights. I just discovered your channel and I finally feel that I am actually a kick-ass person versus a doormat. I didnt have the choice and I was smart in developing ways to protect myself. I am resilient and courageous. TY so much. I will download the e-book. I have ordered your book too! 🙏
Jay you’re awesome and your dog is lovely 🥰
New video dropped y’all 🔥🔥🔥
Thank you so much Jay, I had to pause, rewind and took many notes because so much of what you say hits home. Thank you for helping me out words to how I feel so I can better understand myself and correct the wrongs that were done to me.
Safe relationships are a very scary thing. Thank you for the 3 steps. I'm a year now no contact. Much better now than a year ago, until I'm not. I'm still scared of being stalked online. I think I carry the noone to nobody around by not getting close to people.
Dang it Jay Found My Secret Standards 😋
Much Respect
(*We Feel Blessed Too)
thank You Jay. You understand us perfectly and help us to understand what an evil has touched us. Your dog is posing like a real model.:)
Wow so good. I can relate to all of it- for me, it was all about outcome and it was never ‘good enough’ no matter how much I tried. No acknowledgment of effort or progress. Mother died last month and I’m just now putting the weird pieces together that she definitely had BPD- untreated and undiagnosed.
For the last three videos of yours that I watched, I cried at your farewell. You exude such genuine care and compassion and gratitude for your community of followers that I can actually feel your care even though I know I’m probably one of thousands of people watching.
Your real care for individuals is also evident in the material that you provide. It is only through empathetic observation of your clients that you have been able to see these commonalities and to summarize the issues in such a clear and caring way.
Awesome Jay 🌟✨,in-depth definitions of perfectionism working out in scapegoat survivors, portrayed brilliantly with case examples 🌟✨ and the dread and anxiety that accompanies it.Recalibrating, the self worth through safe experiences solidifies the inner value of the scapegoat allowing the survivors to thrive in their natural talents, strengths and ability. Appreciate this video🙏Thank you, sending blessings to you and Brizo 🐾🐾🐾Happy weekend 🌈✨🌟
Really appreciate this take; owning our self-worth and choosing the people who endorse it. Perfectly simple and useful course-correction.
Showing you valued yourself threatened relationship with parent!? Thank you again Jay for explaining everything so perfectly! Good parents want you to like yourself, and be confident in who you are. Bad ones want you to trip and fall so they can ridicule you and tell you you'll never make it!! That fills me with rage!! Which also isn't allowed in a narc parent household. Mom always said if I ever looked angrily at her, "Don't you dare look at me that way!" I began shutting down spontaneous facial expressions then, and wasn't able to give nasty, angry looks to anyone's face after. Just learning to now and feels like I'm going to be in trouble when I do. But, I'm progressing and growing! 😉
I just realized, when you get angry at the person who's treating you badly, you are showing you think you have value and deserve to stand up for yourself! No wonder mom didn't allow that! 🤯 Defiance of the narc's rules ❤
@@lapislazuliphoenixthat’s a really helpful connection to make.
Thank you so much, Jay Reid. ❤
This programming channel, Dave Gray, has a saying "Strive for progress, not for perfection". Usually those sayings are cheesy but that one is really effective, at least for me.
Thanks Jay❤
i have no idea what the sports terms are. it's so incredibly specific to a tiny audience
What great information. This helps me understand a lot and gives me hope.
I really see the intergenerational family system in my own case. Would be glad to hear more about the impact of a narc. gpt on each side on the generations that follow. Both my parents experienced a lot more damage than I did, and tried hard to do less to me. I also wonder if narcissistic traits tend to reside in one or two "parts" of a dissociative parent.
Thanks for all you do Jay
Wow! That put into words something I've felt for a long time
I appreciate the videos
thank you
23 and not escaped yet, but will make it i know
I've always felt like I've had 2 masks or personalities,
1 always had a mad look on my face bc if I was happy drama would occur
And learned helplessness baby talk acting small, deflect from my interests
Then my real self
Evil ppl
For some reason the idea of sharing my self worth, even with safe others is extremely terrifying. It seems like it would be a setup for them thinking I’m conceited or overexaggersting etc, and then they wouldn’t like me anymore. I hope I can get there at some point
Hi Jay,
Been a long time fan of your channel. Great video again as always.
I can't help but think this story about greg is a story really about you. 😊
Conshohocken PA Representing. I know you're familiar with this town.
Hope everything is well on the West Coast.
Keep the videos coming.
I appreciate that!
That case example just about hurt my ears. I submit that Greg's self-sabotage was adaptive while still living under his father's roof. And that his inability to explain it or understand it is consistent with not just an autonomic response informed by his unconscious mind but also a degree of sympathetic counter-regulation against an abusive father who didn't permit him to co-regulate
I had a middle school classmate who went on to be the first and probably still only quarterback whose teams defeated our state university's biggest rival all four years he played. Both his father and grandfather had been big football legends. Funny thing about sensorimotor (athletes and performing artists), intellectual, and visuospatial (visual artists and engineers) giftedness is that they are skillset overlays habituated by compulsion. For the resulting imprint to become giftedness requires predisposing environmental understimulation (quite a bit like the unleveraged activation necessary to the development of an autistic special interest). Hypersensitivities are vestiges of abuse and insensitivities are remnants of neglect. Broad (unconsolidated) neuronal proliferation suggests an incomplete neuronal pruning stage (paucity of contact socialization and mirroring). So it should be more obvious than it apparently is that children of talented parents who follow in their footsteps do so because the parent hasn't nurtured the child's interests. Such a child develops a compulsion to mimic the parent to distract himself from an induced obsession with that parent's approval.
The difference between the anonymized example and my classmate probably comes down to nothing more than my classmate's dad having wanted a MiniMe too much and Greg's dad's OWN perfectionism terrifying him he'd be outshone by a Mini-Me. BOTH of them got used by dads who were complete dicks though and AFAICT my former classmate peaked in college. Parents like these sure do cover up their envy of the kid who dares to think for himself convincingly. What really tells it is our siblings and cousins so-frequently needing to join them in destroying the parts of our lives they don't (or can't) steal (or steal credit for).
Relatives who need to steal your ideas and dreams HAVE TO also have been taught that their own dreams and ideas have no value and HAVE TO have also been compared unfavorably TO YOU.🤯. It therefore necessarily follows that when extraversion fails as an adaptive strategy for solicitation of unknown information from others and the environment a child will become more introverted and (let's face it) smarter. Kernberg says temperament is present from birth and that's probably true as a result of the prenatal environment. Regardless, neuroplasticity makes it obvious kids become what their environments make them, so the Achilles heel that makes and keeps someone a scapegoat is willingness to introspect.
I don't forgive my mother for torturing me but I can figure out if she had not used me to regulate her own mask of sanity neither one of us would have survived. The problem is she's probably still doing it. Wouldn't matter even if I wasn't her scapegoat because substituting fantasy for individuation limits her to introjecting useful roles rather than individuals. I think in that context it becomes more obvious narcissistic people exploit others because they're incompetent to get their own needs met otherwise. The cousin who quietly moved into a neighborhood (of less than 600 houses) when she relocated that I'd previously told her I was aspiring to wouldn't have needed to beat me if she wasn't trying to be me. And since she was poaching she never asked what I like about it or gave me the validation of telling me they were looking in a neighborhood she remembered me mentioning. If she had she might've been in less of a hurry to reduce the subdivision's average IQ by parking her petty Jesusfreak ass right in the middle of a bunch of godless university professors and medical doctors. LOL yup and no church anywhere around. I woulda told her the reason I said I liked it better than even the most expensive neighborhood in town was compatibility with my own lifestyle if I'd had any idea it was like that between us. Just saying.
Thank you
Welcome!
Yes you are right brother ❣️ thanks alot for the info👍
Thanks and welcome
This is very profound and helpful. Thank you.
Brilliant. Thank you.
You're very welcome!
It’s dangerous to let them know you think anything of yourself, they have to snub it out if they see you feeling any self worth at all.
Great video Jay
❤
Now I realize why I don't tell ppl anything, and why I'm a perfectionist and procrastinate
I recently got into enneagram personality tests , the tritype tells u what u base your self esteem on mine is achievement surprise surprise
What do I do with this need for justice? : (
Thank you. I know now why I dread to do certain things. I fear it wont be done perfectly or well enough.
your videos, patric teehan and dr ramani are my main bases of understanding narcisism and how it effects us going forward. there are many others that help and yet, u guys get it on a different lvl. and sadness. secrecy, why do i not talk to dad about flipping stocks well its probably because u are iether dismissive or make jokes at my expense i am aware i am making like 7-20 c per day. and yet u are non existent in my life so idk why the fuck u think u get to know about my life. i feel like if i fight back i get punish if i exist i get punished i can only not be punish when i lap up their propaganda and devalue my self. without that i am no one to no one. i made like 13 dollars today from flipping been doing it for about 2 years now, highest profit so far. and when i mentioned i was making a dividend of like 8 dollars it was very dismissive so i am not talking to them about my triumphs anymore. also why i dont ask them what their feelings are cus honestly its negative and really i dont actually care seeing as u dont care feeling is mutual. u dont like it that i bring composting worms during winter. cool dont actually care still bringing them in not about u.8:54 man do i ever identify with that feeling ambiguous overwhelm almost. feeling like u have no influence on anything cus when u ask for things and then they dont get done what are we supposed to think. that love = u are still on your own dont expect ppl to be there for u cus love is just some words, actions do not correspond with needs or me having things i need or want.
thanks for continuing and i have a question about feeling unwanted or like not enough. so i find on youtube channels at begining they have few fans so i am important and as communtiy grows i feel like i become less important. like i am again no one to no one. i think i mess that up and feeling like i am in the void again.
I feel everyone in a community is important. We are all in the same boat, rowing together. I hope you find happiness!
@@lapislazuliphoenixman this hurts and true.
Damn. I keep listening to this ! Its brillant & explains so much in my life - all your videos do. 🙏🏼 So relate to poor Greg. I remember when I was young being accepted into the best art school in the country. And my teachers were loving my work. And feeling like such a failure & impostor EVERY SINGLE DAY. I couldn’t handle it. So I went on a massive alcohol & cocaine binge & skipped a couple weeks & dropped out in my first year. That kind of stuff all my life & even in sobriety ! Which came later on. Wow - wish I heard this decades ago. Sadly. I am trying to finally find the courage to allow myself some success in the last 3rd of my life
So I dropped off my pet goat named scapes at my mother's ( she gave that to me on my birthday ... It's a 50 year old goat 🐐🐐) I went out and got a new pet rock named 🩶 grey. Gray and I are very happy ❤
Good 1
Lol, love that story!
@@lapislazuliphoenix I hope I helped you 😊 smile. And I hope this way of looking at it this way helps anyone find a good place in the healing journey