True, it's all asian parents think about. But at the same time they feel entitlement to it, due to the sacrifices they made in their lives, so we could live better ones. So they believe it's fair to live through their children.
Race is equal all in Gods eyes but cultures are not equal. What possess a person to pick up his or her life to move away from all they know and move into a culture that is totally different then their? If the culture you bring to the west is so good then why are you leaving your home land and people to start a new life with people much different then you who live different then you? Is their honor in deception? Honor in taking what is not yours? You ask to live in a new country you are agreeing to become all things west. Leave behind your old country and become 100 percent western. Those who do not are slapping the new country in the face. We can tell who respects us and who doesn't. I am shocked people are not abolishing them from their country. Those that dont respect the laws.
@@teresanolivo4075 exactly, if the culture of Britain was so good then why DID they leave that behind to go to other countries like India and live with people who were so different? Hint: for the same reason the family in the video went from India to Britain, i.e. money. And what she's talking about is a psychotic cult from rural India. Are you saying there are no moronic cults in UK/US that obsess about the purity and virginity of women and their duty to their husbands and to God? Those kinds of people exist in South Asia as well. and in other places. There are also normal people who send their kids to school and try to get them a better life, that's the majority. Though forced child marriage is still a major problem in rural India, but most of those people are dirt poor, illiterate, and living in medieval conditions. Which is why they have medieval mindsets. This is not at all a problem in the middle classes or even most of the urban working class.
@@teresanolivo4075 I am so glad you have laws that everyone in the world has to follow! Do you call that attitude of yours controlling..or abusive? Maybe, both
@@zetaforever4953 Like India...now..now..U are from India, aren't you? Hmm..looking down ur brothers and sisters..in India? They are different...do they have green blood?
exactly!! this puzzles me to no end - what is the rationalization behind this? luckily this isn't the case for me, but when I hear of conservative or excessively traditional immigrant families in western nations, i'm always so curious about the reasoning behind their cultural loyalty and anti-western sentiments. like...did this not occur to them?
If someone thinks a young woman killing herself is better than getting a divorce, they are seriously messed up. Thank you for sharing your experiences & giving a shockingly honest account.
Every culture has his or her bad sides. Remember 'we' are only for a short time this 'free'. Not long ago we in the West lived almost the same lifestyle, except the murder/honor killing/ forced suicide part
I was born as an unwanted girl with no name given to me until the day before going to primary school. I grew up with all sorts of terrible things. there is so much in echo with my own experiences when listening to her the disowned part of life and the part she was blamed for as if it was all her fault. There are so many things people inside the square can not do much, and they in desperate need for help. She is one of the rare ones that broke the cage/silence. Unlike her, I was not as brave but only lucky. there is no better explanation of my case than that God has been and will always be with me.
American taxpayer money billions dollar ,RUN by US Congress and AIPAC zionsit jews to Isareli when those orthdux jews, have same culture also, woman have no right, and no honer if do not marry or run by their order, now , American media never show to taxpayer such crime,
@@sfigataa.69 he's saying that the same thing happens in conservative/orthodox jewish communities but it's not discussed or talked about in the media to the same extent as it is about asian communities. Albeit, he added his own conspiracy theory twist to it.
If "white" people try to help, we get called "racists". So apparently only "brown" people are allowed to try to stop the abuse if it is done in a historically "brown culture".
I'm glad she mentioned that women uphold this system. I know countless asian girls whose fathers are lovely and okay but there mothers are concerned about honor
Iks Kelly when I was being abused my abuser's mother kept convincing me to come back. She knew he hit me, raped me, would hide my keys or restrain me if I tried to leave. She heard him abuse me with actions and words. She told me that men were like that. She was hurt me by convincing me and I blame her along with him.
Iks Kelly it's almost as though they cannot stand the idea of their daughters NOT enduring what THEY had to endure. That the only way they can rationalize or justify their own past as proper and okay, is if the tradition continues. If it DOESN'T continue on in their daughters, perhaps they would feel that THEIR OWN lives were squandered and stolen by the so called honor system.
@@bloggerblogg5878 yes but unfortunately they are governed by fear and their mindsets are the results of decades of conditioning as well. in these cultures it is often the men that have the power to make the decisions to change... yet they still do not choose to.
Really killed me when she mentioned her father having her graduation picture on his wall. When you grow up knowing and believing certain things and ideologies, it's hard to break free. I'm glad that I took the time to watch this today, and I feel better informed, awakened, and grateful. My heart goes out to all the victims of such tragedies. xoxo
our fathers love us... comming frm a tribal person like myself, they dont like to show their soft side. they dont like to admit to what they do, say & act.... its heartbreaking.
@@faanengaaw7357 Well thats who boys and men are taught. If you cry when you're little, you get comforted. But when you get a little older that comfort is only for girls. Boys will get laughed at, ridiculed and even scolded by teachers and other adults for crying. Eventually you learn to cry alone away from people and just talk to your parents and siblings about it mostly.
when talking about the police officer she said "had he sent me home I would be in that marriage". what a difference can make in the world someone who is willing to listen and help !
That's what I am thinking about .....I have never heard anything like this before in India .....this sounds like a situation from our neighbouring country ......
@BL No. It isn't. 3rd Wave Feminism is ruining the country because they DON'T focus on these issues at all. Look it up yourself on Google. You'll hear nothing about any peace movement for Muslim at all.
She’s so courageous. Sadly, There were three sisters from my city who were killed by their father and mother because of the way they dressed. They were put in jail and the dad said in court “if I could do it again I would” so heartbreaking. These honour killings need to stop!
These honour killings can stop if white people enforce the expectation of being in sophistacted Europe. Publicly shame the communities that practice these primitive behaviors nationally!
being an Indian I know this is happening but I'm glad to say that my family has taught me to be free and do what I wanted to. may God give knowledge to those who don't understand this.
ANUPAM BANERJEE lucky you. Unfortunately some of us are not that lucky. I was forced into marriage and it broke me and changed me totally. I have never been able to move fwd from what has happened to me.
Naheed Akhtar I'm not sure from your message, but (first of all) I hope, Hope, HOPE you are out of that marriage. If not, there are many organizations that can help you; if you aren't sure you can do this by yourself, please PLEASE go directly to the nearest police station or hospital, and they will help you. Secondly, you are going to need support and help even after you have gotten away from the terrible monster who has hurt you. Again, there are many organizations that can provide this; you will be so surprised at how many women understand your experience, because they have been through it themselves. Finally, I'm sorry to say that it will take you awhile to regain your strength and happiness -- certainly more than eight months. However (and I tell you this from first-hand experience), you will - you absolutely can and will - be able to recover and learn to be joyful and loving and give and receive love, even if it takes some time. In fact, as you get well, you will be able to appreciate the good things in life, and the good and loving people in your life, like never before; never before the terrible monster came into your life. I absolutely promise you this. Please believe me. Write to me if you want. Much love and support.
Watching this I remember when I was 15yo I overheard my mum saying " if it's not for their father I'd have married off these girls meaning me and my sister" . Later on my dad took us and went to live with my aunt. 10 years later I'm a university graduate, employed, independent , unmarried but happy.
@being human ikr. But our culture has over glorified mothers that nobody questions these toxic traits. Most of them are toxic, abusive and control freaks
According to any religion, forced marriages are forbidden and not legal. Arranged and forced are two opposite terms. Some illiterate people reversed all values just for the sake of their own profit. And "gods" have nothing to do with it.
She mentioned 'Sikhism' or 'Islam' does not support forced marriage. The perpetrators, of course, will have you believe that, and your compliance makes you just like her mom who upholds the system.
Her story is a masterpiece & it’s a perfect example to show the courage of a women. May this open the closed eyes of men who are living in the dark world of dogmatic thinking
Where's the unconditional love? I often see people going on and on about an Indian parent's unconditional love. But I don't see it. Yes they will love u unconditionally if u choose the career they want, marry the person they want and live life according to their wish. But isn't that conditional love? Guilt tripping the child, staying in abusive marriages and making the child responsible for it is so wrong.
My father abused my mother, siblings and me. He didn't care whether we ate, slept, studied or happy. After we left him, relatives forced us to talk to him because *he's your father*. Excuse me, producing a child alone doesn't make a man their father.
@@jaybirdfly149 screw what ur relatives say. Go to police or else move out after getting a job. Never tolerate abuse from anyone. He's just ur biological father, nothing more.
Yess that's true.....family says if u marry to your choice or choose career against them then it's all your responsibility if there happens something wrong. Family will not support you if u do so. Then where is the unconditional love?? They say they love you unconditionally and so what they choose for u is the best always
I cried. Because I've seen my aunts talk about my NRI cousins the same way. Girls who are being too 'Westernized' or being too 'Hippie' but seeing and knowing them personally, I know that they are kinder, smarter and more compassionate than the so called 'good-girls' living back home. Ambition, happiness, and love do not follow codes of conduct. I also feel blessed to be raised by parents who refuse to give in to the stupid rules of the society, and never made me feel insignificant. Sometimes the irony comes too stark to me. Raised in India, a supposedly conservative country, I am more out-spoken than people I know raised in the US or UK under really harsh community pressures. She's so right when she says just because she was raised in England didn't mean being exposed to the same sense of freedom like everyone else. This really shook me. I've seen my friends and cousins from the US or the UK migrating back to India, and their parents throwing away a promising career, because of 'Culture Shock' and I'm beginning to think now, it's not about culture shock. It's about 'honor' and a false sense of pride that's just another version of racial discrimination.
Balakarthiga. M for a period of time my mother worked with some afghanistan security men and there was this one young guy ...maybe 22 years old, who got engaged with his cousin, who he just knew from photos. Even so after the engagement, he began to call her everyday and felt really in love with her. (I don’t know if she was/is in love with him) His cousin actually lives with his parents in Cologne while he’s living in another city and works two jobs, to support his parents and his fiance. His whole life is just around earning money. Money for the marriage, money for a new department, money for her expensive clothing and jewelry...he himself just eats the cheapest food and doesn’t spend any money on himself...it’s just really sad. Everyone in his family is expecting for him to be a man and to send them money. I never knew that this kind of really conservative culture could be damaging for men, too ...it really never crossed my mind
It is sad how conservative girls back home shame westernised Asian women out of jealousy and because of their orthodox mentality. Women still justify the honour killing of Qandeel Baloch. As a Pakistani, I know how Pakistani women troll Pakistani actresses for wearing short clothes and for not following Islam properly. How will they teach their sons to respect women regardless of what they wear?
Some cultures dont teach that. That's more of a western quote. Asian cultures are very community based and everything you do has to be pleasing to the community even if they are strangers. Indian men in particular dont get rejected or they react violently towards it.
I read her book "Shame" I cried reading it!.. looking back at my childhood I can remember my friend's sister who had run away and did exactly what Jaswinder had done.. it was only when I read her book did I know why my friend would never speak about her sister... Being Asian myself I too had to go through an arranged marriage.. and I was not happy... I only divorced him when my mum died! I totally resonate with her... now a divorcee and with three daughters of my own.. I would never in the world put my daughters through what I went through... when you have been brought up in a closed knit family it is so hard to go on yourself
Jaswinder,Please tell the women to go to their local Church of England church. for help. The Vicar can issue marriage licences different from the local Register Office and offer refuge. Under their .This responsibility only applies to the State Church leaders, not to leaders in the RC Church ,Methodist Baptist Jewish etc. These people MAY help but have no legal responsibility to do so
I can't even imagine or conceive that a family would say "it was better this way" in regard to their child having SET HERSELF ON FIRE. Or a mother put a plastic bag down her young daughter's throat. This is just insane. It puts me to think that ideology and culture are so powerful as to have an entire society lose sense of humanity. The basic instinct of protecting your children and having them around can be shut off.
So revolting! A lot of these women who uphold these insane traditions have been brainwashed from a young age. They were once victims yet they become the perpetrators. Very sad! I remember watching a documentary on a young Iranian girl called Banaz who was also murdered by her own family members. I truly hope many young women suffering with a life like this will make it out and find true freedom.
Queenof TheNile Banaz ‘s story was so incredibly sad, then 10 years later her heart broken boyfriend died😢. Thank goodness for Caroline Goode, the policewoman who fought to imprison Banaz’s murderers and also have others extradited from abroad to face British Justice.
The part where she said her father had kept her graduation pic got me.....it shows that her father really loved her & was proud of her success despite so much misunderstanding & hate.
family is not someone who gave birth to you or shares your blood. family is when someone loves you and accepts who you are and what you want to do with your life.
I'm 26 and my parents somehow just want me to be married off. They think I'll not survive without a man. I am a dentist currently working to take an exam that will lead to specialization. I am not ready or interested in marriage. And i can honestly relate to her. My dad does pressure me but he doesn't throw a tantrum. My mom loses her calm over my marriage. Worst part is when all these families come in to 'see' you to get you into an arranged marriage. This is quite screwed up. Mostly female peers question me and pressure me into settling down. I am not ready for marriage and i don't want it anytime soon. But my parents ignore it like it's a pointless thing. They say "oh she'll be fine once married". Well hello no i won't be! If I'm not ready and you marry me off even to the best guy in the whole wide world, i won't be able to appreciate him and just walk out of it! I wish our mothers could break free of their own fears! UPDATE: wow it's been years!! I'm 29 now and still have the same passion. I left a comment in the replies too but I guess so many who showed concern for me couldn't read that. ❣️ I love you all. This is so surreal! I am truly humbled and thankful for the love you all had to give. ❣️
Afifa Irfan i have realised in these scenarios it is always the elder generation women or women who went through the same custom (especially from 'back home') to force these traditions compared to the men. I can say that truthfully from my own experience. The best advice i can give to girls is to get an education so you have something to fall back on if you become disowned.
You surely have some kind of stipend, get seperated and live your life. If you do not earn just now, wait for employment, buy some time and when you have a job go out and live seperately. Being educated is not enough, try to be self sufficient. You only live once.
If you are not ready then don't go for it... Now can fight with your family but... If you marry you have to fight with other family Too....so until u r not ready don't go for it
the way she talked about women being the main abusers too, hit me hard because it's so true. Even the women are brainwashed to think these menist values are true Edit: I agree with some of the replies, South Asian men don't fear talking up or breaking the rules but women have to obide because there is no other option for them and through that fear they know only to enforce the mindset on their daughters because if there daughters start "acting different" all the blame will always be on the women. Women are more strict because they don't have the freedom to not
When my match was made when I was 14 I was so excited. I’d never been so happy as I was on my wedding day. My parents we’re so proud of me...it wasn’t until after I was married that it all went wrong. My new husband was much older, which I didn’t really mind , but he was also cruel and his mother was even worse. They both beat me regularly. I was 21 when I ran and I took my daughter with me. She will never be married off to a man she doesn’t know.
I was disowned too by my own mother and father and two sisters. Because I refused to follow in their footsteps. They claim I have dishonored them. No. They have dishonored me.
I live in India, Jasmine, and I run the risk of alienating my family too, considering I'm quite sure I won't marry, and even if I do, caste and religion and "their" choice won't matter to me. There's a huge chunk of young Indians like me too, and some of my friends are as afraid of this ostracization as I am. Reading your comment has strengthened my resolve, thanks for sharing. Hope your family come to their mind and start accepting fundamental human rights and reunite with you :)
jazmine my dear, you are living the journey for which you were born to live. Be a light to the world and be all that you can be. Living your truth will bring strength, honor and freedom to other women.
When someone in my neighbourhood killed her sister for honor. My mother told me see this happens to bad girls. I love my parents but I despise their thinking. And sadly my sister is becoming the target of this thinking and I cant do anything.
You can do nothing??? How old are you? This comment is 1year ago...is your sister ok? What about you? Did you call the police about the people killing their girl in your neighborhood??
People don't realize that family makes the biggest impact on ones life. To those who have kids, please love them unconditionally and with your whole heart and place them before anyone and anything. And to those who don't want kids, please don't have them if you know you won't give them all the love they deserve and accept them for who they become.
this is exactly what I tell people who ask me when I’m having kids/why I haven’t yet (I’m 30 and been married for 6 years so I get that question a lot). Childless people don’t hate children; many of us just understand that if you actively don’t want kids, you’re only doing them and yourself a disservice by giving into social expectations.
Anyone else clap loud enough for the people in the back when she says that her daughter got a beautiful wedding day because of the decisions she made as a mother when her daughter was 16 years old? The joy she must have felt to see her daughter have the CHOICE and to be happily married just resonates with me.
To all HATERS and those 3 people who disliked this video, I pity your point of views and i wish you had better sense of moral judgement. Jasvinder Sanghera, we stand by you to fight for this cause. I pray to God that no girl ever faces this kind of situation. I bow down to in front of your courage and personality Jasvinder Sanghera. We need more people like you.
So lovely to hear an intelligent, educated Punjabi woman, who is not ashamed to have been westernised. But how sad it makes me to know that she is one of only a tiny minority. And how sad it makes me to know that there are oh, so many, who cannot protest at the treatment they receive from the hands of their own mother, father and ,even worse, from their community.
god/gods/whoever-you-believe-or-don't-believe-in bless the one policeman who didn't send her teenage self back to her family... one person can change the lives of many and without that policeman her children would have never been born.
I was disowned by my Italian family in the 70's 🙂 I promised MYSELF and my daughter that I would NOT do the CATHOLIC GUILT TRIP TO HER 😊 PROMISE KEPT 😋 it's time to END GENERATIONAL BS AND CALL IT OUT WHERE IT EXISTS 💞💕
As a man born into a Sikh-identifying family (though not considered religious myself), I applaud this woman for her courage, tenacity and perseverance in staying the course to get on with her life whilst having kids of her own to witness their independence. The fact you harbour the will to forgive your family situation speaks volumes about your character. YOU GO GRRRRRRL!
Blessed her, such a brave person I wish her all the best and hope that she will inspire more people to take part of the change that is needed. Hats off.
Sarah Hasan yes sister thats why we in the west are seeking the liberation of arab muslim women in the west young lady. I myself work with arab women to fight against arranged marriage
When I saw the Saudi women trying to eat through their veils in Trabzon while their male guardians were walking around in shorts and flip flops, I would say to my husband it's a shame. He has an abusive, misogynistic mentality so he would say they have their brothers and husbands to decide for them and anyway they have a right to choose. I never believed that.
Mutaalimah Than the west is where you do not belong - make your original country better with Islam & at peace amongst each other & neighboring countries. My family is immigrants to the USA & know we are different culturally but respect the opportunity to live amongst a different culture without being arrogant to think they should all be as we are in our religion & various customs. Embrace diversity & peace if you have the opportunity to live in the west or in Europe. . Be the best example you can be without being intrusive to others who are different in your views. The west is made up of every culture & country from around the world. It is a beautiful thing diversity & living peacefully amongst one another. Let love , sensibility & kindness rule all of our behaviors. I wish that for all of us.
i don't know where are you from but in tunisia that's not true women are empowered so don't speak on behalf of arab countries talk about where you from .
Brilliant Speech!! It is very much a real issue for people from South-Asian counties + Afghanistan! When I was 21 my father wanted me to marry this 36 years old man who he claim is the best man ever! I fought, staying in the same house, everyday with him who war pressurizing me, having my mom being accused of my shameful behavior was hell. I stand up for my rights and I used real Islamic teaching to shame them. I won, but I was Lucky that my parents werent psychopaths who would kill their daughter. But many girls arent as fortunate, the idea of leaving their families is so scary that they stay and obey. Like like any women in a abused relationship! Fear of Leaving and be on the streets is very powerful!
Regina Phalange Kudos to you for your courage! May God bless you with a marriage that is beneficial for you and may you be _emotionally_ satisfied with it and not have to deal with troublesome decisions made only by your parents' wishes. And if you don't mind, would you please share some of the Islamic commands on this that helped you win your argument? I believe that Islamic education has been lacking IMMENSELY in our cultures (I'm from Pakistan, specifically) and people need to realise that forced marriages are LOATHED in the Qur'an. I'm only 16 and watching lectures and listening to experiences like these scare me so much that I can't help but imagine what I'd had to deal with if this were to happen to me. And especially because as I'm growing up, my mum keeps on pushing the idea to be the _perfect_ bride for whatever random guy she chooses for me to marry. Let's just hope she does extensive research respecting *my opinions and views* on the suitor instead of turning a blind eye and choosing whomever she wishes and then forcing me to agree on it ESPECIALLY when I've got so many dreams and aspirations in life. I don't want to end it all just to be a babymaker for some stranger :(
My parents also want me to get married. I'm 21 but I'm not ready for it and this is not what I want in my life. But I think they're gonna make me and that too with a person that I will meet at the wedding day for the very first time. I would rather kill my self than get married to a stranger. What should I do?
Loving Thyself Well I dont know where you are from but maybe you can try to contact one of the charities mentioned in the video. I cant imagine beibg forced to mary someone I didnt want to. I would rather endure the (short) pain of leaving the situation and making my own life than a lifelong of pain.
FOR ME IT WAS THE OPPOSITE, I MET SOMEONE ON MY OWN AND BROUGHT HIM HOME FOR MY DAD TO MEET HIM, THINGS WERE GOING WELL BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO GET MARRIED INFACT 2 WEEKS BEFORE THE WEDDING, THINGS CHANGED WITH HIM AND TO MY SURPRISE I AND MY PARENTS KICKED HIM AWAY I ASKED GOD TO GIVE ME A SIGN AND THE NEXT MORNING I GOT A TEXT FROM MY FIANCE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. HE DID N'T WANT TO SIGN A PRENUP MY DAD WAS PUSHING FOR SO I KNEW HE REALLY DIDN'T LOVE ME AS I THOUGHT, HE WAS LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET MONEY. I WAS INTRODUCED TO GUYS FROM FAMILY FRIENDS IN THE PAST AND MY DAD SENT THEM ALL AWAY, THEY WERE WORTHLESS SO I SAID DAD, DON'T BE UPSET FOR ME, I'M FINE, AND DAD SMILED, YOUR BETTER OFF SINGLE THAN HAVE A MAN EXPECT YOU TO WORK AND FOR YOU AND US TO TAKE CARE OF HIM????? HERE . I'M GIVING YOU A DOWRY AND HE EXPECTS YOU TO WORK, I'LL SEND HIM TO THE MOON LMAO. ( HONEY MOONERS) THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS CANCELING THE WEDDING, I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO CHURCH AND SMILE AT THE PRIEST AND SAY " I'M MARRYING MYSELF LOL AND THE HALL PAID WITH FOOD WILL GO TO THE TOWN S POOR PEOPLE LIKE SOMEONE HAD DONE IN TEXAS TO CELEBRATE I GOT RID OF SOMEONE WHO DID NOT LOVE ME
I am an Indian and proud to say that to whatever extent I have known my culture and my family, no where did I heard or experienced any such horrible instance. Blessed to be surrounded by good souls🙂
Geetanjali. You belong the privileged few who lead a sheltered life. Step out into the real world sometime, travel by public transport and walk in the crowded bazaars. That will give you an entirely new perspective.
@@explorerelka yes I am definitely privileged to belong to normal middle class family here and have no vehicle of my own, totally relying on public transport for daily travel of around 50km one way for my work and study schedules. Yet I never came across any such experiences thankfully.
The part about her fathers closet finally got me. Like she said; he knew what was right, but because of this twisted honour code, he couldn’t do what he felt was right.
I blubbered like a baby listening to this, how did she speak so calmly and eloquently with one single voice crack... I don’t know. I do know that this woman triumphed and she’s a shining example to all us desi girls. Thank you
Her father was too proud to face her and congrat her for her graduation.But her father knew she did right thing. Honor and cultural traditions are stronger than leaving your kids free.
I am from Pakistan I am 15 , my father and mother always said education is the key to a good life , the want me to become a doctor , I am so grateful for them all the people around me value a girl's basic rights , I know alot of girls in my country suffur by getting married early , I want to change that some how ❤️✊🏻
Dear Jasvinder, your talk had me in tears. The same happened to my sister in law 45 years ago. She was kidnapped by her family and taken to the airport bound for India. She managed to alert a British friend what was happening and the police were called and she was taken into custody and kept in a safe place. She too had a choice to go back to her family or be disowned, and she chose the latter. Fast forward 10 years and she met my brother and fell in love. They married and had two beautiful children, she was happy in her new life but unfortunately the pain of what happened all those years ago, losing her family, and not being told when her parents died, it took it's toll on her and she died of cancer at a young age. My heart aches that we lost her so young.
I remember when my mother tried to introduce a man twice my age and claimed it was a joke. I honestly did not take it as a joke and rather shut it right there and then and it was her first time seeing me super mad. Thanks for sharing xxx
Read once about a British officer in India in the 19th century when he witnessed a funeral pyre being built for a recently deceased man. When he inquired further he was told that the pyre is not only for the husband but the widow as well. That it was a cultural norm that a widow should not outlive the husband. The British officer was enraged at this practice so he instructed his men to build a gallows next to the pyre. When asked what he was building, he explained that in our culture, anyone who burns alive a person for this type of reason will hang to death. The practice was stopped immediately and the pyre removed but the gallows stayed.
You do realize at the time when The Brtish East India Company was complaining about Widow burning or Sati in India that in Western countries they where burning women for witchcraft and occultism in the American colonies in North America in Salem during the Salem witch trials in the 13 Colonies. And that incident your talking about with Brtish official Charles Napier happened around the 18th century not the 19th century.
I'm seeing this for the first time and it's just so potent. I met Jasvinder a few years ago and read her book when it was first published. What an amazing woman! She deserves all the support she and Karma Nirvana can get from all levels of society. Jasvinder deserves to be listed "as one of the world's most Inspirational Women"! Thank you for sharing your life so others can live out theirs in freedom and personal security.
Most people cannot begin to understand what it's like to be abandoned by a mother and father. I was 14 when my mother sent me to a father I'd never met and 17 when he bugged out for a life with his new girlfriend. I'm a white, American male in middle life who is still trying to reconcile my self-worth with a perception of worthlessness and the shame of abandonment. Parents need to recognize the level of trauma they're capable of visiting upon their children and the far reaching consequences of doing so.
"...my sister was 24 years ol when she set herself on fire and she committed suicide....." in the name of "honour' for the perpetrators in her own family !!!!
I am 27 year old independent girl and a Chartered accountant.. My parents started planning for arranged marriage thats when I disclosed them about my love towards a boy who is also CA.. I expresses my desire to marry him.. My parents disagreed and ignored me.. They say I don't have any right to love a man without their prior permission.. It kills me when I realized that their honour is more important than happiness of their only daughter. They say I bring shame to the family to love someone without their permissions. Every time I oppose their point of arrange marriage they start blackmailing me that they would kill themselves.. I love my parents and I want them to be happy but my happiness in my marriage is of utmost priority
Is moving out an option? The thing is of you go through with this marriage it maybe hard for you to leave. You maybe be stuck with him for a long while. Hope you are OK and doing well.
In the 1980's a friend of mine was engaged to an Indian girl who we all adored,one day she disappeared. He never saw her again as she was married off. We never heard what happened to her either and I still think about her.
Can we just take a moment to appreciate what a badass shafelia was, she literally went down fighting till the very end, shes my actual role model i almost cry everytime i hear her story
This also often happens to rape victims in the UK too. I havent seen my family for 8 years for speaking out about male sexist violence against me. We in the West are not so above endorsing violence against women and children as we like to believe. Honour violence is male supremacist violence, a more extreme version of domestic violence but with the same driver at its base, the subjugation of women and children as property rather than people.
I completely agree with you! In SOuthAsia it is called Honor system but in the west this has different names but the oppression against women is everywhere! Women get silence for stupid shitty family/traditions/culture/religion/male-supremacy/poverty etc.
oneclick boedicea. So true im somalian woman i know that fact it's all about men don't feel bad u did right for yourself and your future i hope u get happy life
What is interesting is that WOMEN were implemented this honour thinks. She also mantioned it. It´s not really male think, it´s a cultural-religious think. Men are bastards so often. But what I will never be able to understand are those women...... Maybe they just want to be "just" and make their daughters suffer same way as they did. It´s just sick, no apology for it.
Actually that is not why they do it.They are so brainwashed that they'll do anything for culture and honour.They really believe that what they are doing is good for their children . My family thinks that suffering from abuse is a sacrifice every women has to make,for their marriage to work. They think that if the girl refuses to be abused and tries to file a divorce, she's being overdramatic and has been pampered way too much😒😶
@@nazeefa353 This is just so sad, the fact that we are still living in a world where people are following these backward and horrific practices is depressing
This woman is so brave she and Shafelia inspired my dissertation on honour killings and domestic violence against women in 2013. It really breaks my heart that this violence against women still happens in 2018!! Both in south and south east Asia, Latin America, Africa and UK 💔💔
I have just today finished reading jasvinders book ‘ Shame ‘ and I could NOT put it down ,what she went through was horrendous , Jasvinder is a VERY BRAVE lady ,and what she does now to help young Asian girls is to be commended… Jasvinder ! I loved your book it was a REVELATION!!! Had no idea what goes on in Asian families ..
This is not little love..this is excessive love if your partner is rich and has a good reputation for his family then parents think that our child will live lavish life and that money brings happiness to us that is also somewhat true but not completely true money alone can't bring happiness it should be our partner who should love us and give equal respect that brings a healthy happy relationship
I have heard of a lot of stories like this. A lot of girls going through this and it baffles me that these agencies in the UK ALWAYS return these girls to the people threatening their lives. It’s so depressing. I feel so sad for all the women in such families being subjected to such inhumanity.
I find the idea of forced marriage to be very repugnant regardless of sex. At age 18 I was not ready for marriage. Even 50 years later I am still not ready for marriage. I am happily a perennial bachelor to the very end. Marriage is an institution that is not for everyone. I love this woman's stand against marriage and for thinking for herself. I think it is a good idea for more Muslim (and former Muslim) adults to give Ted talks.
Jack to be very honest islam has nothing to do with force .Infact according to islam they are many clear examples from prophet Muhammad's era that tell stories about forced marriage and how they were strict condemned.If islam is strict about anything then its about things like these.Its cruel to people like this ladys parents.Unfortunately many in my culture do not believe in say of a women.But in Islam a marriage is not done untill or unless both the man and woman say yes with their will.
Muslims?.....is everyone non-white...or non..christian is a Muslim.....there are hundreds if not thousands of religions and belief system in this world...
Momina, let's be real. It happens regardless of highly publicized condemnations and book passages. Actions matter; just like this woman speaking out against honor-violence in numerous cultures and traditions.
I'm glad I left this culture and family honer rubbish. You should of course respect and hold family honer but not when it turns to abuse and treads on your individual freedom. I do think her parents will regret what they've done to her/her sister in their final days but then it will be too late.
I feel so lucky that my parents only disowned me for a few years - that they missed me and learned to adapt. Now there are just some parts of my life that we don't talk about openly. The part about missing all the nice aspects of your culture made me cry like a little kid. Thanks so much for sharing your story Jasvinder.
Shafilea drinking half a bottle of bleach was the most metal thing I’ve ever heard. That girl had the spirit of a lion in her that was shackled by her family’s expectations. She is a warrior.
“cultural acceptance is not accepting the unacceptable” the wisest words i have ever heard
That jumped out at me too! Love it!!!
Yessss !
I agree with y dear, she did illogical speech its was her brain wash
Culture and religion should never violate human rights.
faithbabyx im not really good at english, what does she mean by that?
The problem is that, in most Asian and south Asian communities everything you do is based on what other people might think of you.
that's everywhere. America is no different. It's just different standards here.
@@aaronsilver-pell411 Nah it's quite different in many ways, especially on the scale of how intense the circumstamce is.
True, it's all asian parents think about. But at the same time they feel entitlement to it, due to the sacrifices they made in their lives, so we could live better ones. So they believe it's fair to live through their children.
Same in eastern europe like lithuania,poland etc.
U always have to make sure u are not emberrasing or ashaming ur self and not give a bad impression
"Cultural acceptance does not mean accepting the unacceptable. "
yfset8 I need that quote so much! I really do. It's wonderful!
yfset8 👌🏻
Exactly, we should not have to except forced marriages and laws were men are over women.
.
Absolutely!!
This makes me sick “the man I was promised to at 8,” yuck... Mother’s are concerned with honor. I am my own person. My own mind. My own body and will.
Race is equal all in Gods eyes but cultures are not equal. What possess a person to pick up his or her life to move away from all they know and move into a culture that is totally different then their? If the culture you bring to the west is so good then why are you leaving your home land and people to start a new life with people much different then you who live different then you? Is their honor in deception? Honor in taking what is not yours? You ask to live in a new country you are agreeing to become all things west. Leave behind your old country and become 100 percent western. Those who do not are slapping the new country in the face. We can tell who respects us and who doesn't. I am shocked people are not abolishing them from their country. Those that dont respect the laws.
@@Me-ru6cl to
@@teresanolivo4075 exactly, if the culture of Britain was so good then why DID they leave that behind to go to other countries like India and live with people who were so different? Hint: for the same reason the family in the video went from India to Britain, i.e. money.
And what she's talking about is a psychotic cult from rural India. Are you saying there are no moronic cults in UK/US that obsess about the purity and virginity of women and their duty to their husbands and to God? Those kinds of people exist in South Asia as well. and in other places. There are also normal people who send their kids to school and try to get them a better life, that's the majority. Though forced child marriage is still a major problem in rural India, but most of those people are dirt poor, illiterate, and living in medieval conditions. Which is why they have medieval mindsets. This is not at all a problem in the middle classes or even most of the urban working class.
@@teresanolivo4075 I am so glad you have laws that everyone in the world has to follow! Do you call that attitude of yours controlling..or abusive? Maybe, both
@@zetaforever4953 Like India...now..now..U are from India, aren't you? Hmm..looking down ur brothers and sisters..in India? They are different...do they have green blood?
**parents raise kids in western countries**
**kids grow up with western ideals**
parents: wait no -
@EccentricSage Exactly!!
MY DAD IN A NUTSHELL
Independence is not western culture sadly nowadays people think it is...😔
@CC PX yes very :(
exactly!! this puzzles me to no end - what is the rationalization behind this? luckily this isn't the case for me, but when I hear of conservative or excessively traditional immigrant families in western nations, i'm always so curious about the reasoning behind their cultural loyalty and anti-western sentiments. like...did this not occur to them?
If someone thinks a young woman killing herself is better than getting a divorce, they are seriously messed up. Thank you for sharing your experiences & giving a shockingly honest account.
I agree that is why freedom is more important than religion and culture.
Every culture has his or her bad sides. Remember 'we' are only for a short time this 'free'. Not long ago we in the West lived almost the same lifestyle, except the murder/honor killing/ forced suicide part
I was born as an unwanted girl with no name given to me until the day before going to primary school. I grew up with all sorts of terrible things. there is so much in echo with my own experiences when listening to her the disowned part of life and the part she was blamed for as if it was all her fault. There are so many things people inside the square can not do much, and they in desperate need for help. She is one of the rare ones that broke the cage/silence. Unlike her, I was not as brave but only lucky. there is no better explanation of my case than that God has been and will always be with me.
@@opheliadrobac5222 god did nothing for you. you survived it all on your own.
@@Loveispatient_2024 Evidence ??????? I am European mixed race and none of my family have ever encountered this GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I admire this woman. She has courage.
American taxpayer money billions dollar ,RUN by US Congress and AIPAC zionsit jews to Isareli when those orthdux jews, have same culture also, woman have no right, and no honer if do not marry or run by their order, now , American media never show to taxpayer such crime,
@@ms9771 what?
@@sfigataa.69 he's saying that the same thing happens in conservative/orthodox jewish communities but it's not discussed or talked about in the media to the same extent as it is about asian communities. Albeit, he added his own conspiracy theory twist to it.
M S you are absolutely wrong
This is still a reality in parts of India. Let's fight it, break it.
If "white" people try to help, we get called "racists". So apparently only "brown" people are allowed to try to stop the abuse if it is done in a historically "brown culture".
Same in Iraq (I'm Iraqi 19yrs and I dream of independence) and all the middle East
@@toqa6735 all I can say it is stay strong and trust yourself. I pray that you will have the right to choose your future freely.
and break those horrible people too
In reality, this is something all over the world. Not just one segment, not just one country, not just one continent, it's a global issue.
“Even without our families, there is a world out there for us” - very important message
Really?? Cruel world 🌎
Therapy taught me to accept this reality. My life outside of my family is very healthy
Abuse can happen anywhere !!!
@@shreyachaudhary1604 Unfortunately most abuse comes from those closest to you. The statistics show it
I'm glad she mentioned that women uphold this system. I know countless asian girls whose fathers are lovely and okay but there mothers are concerned about honor
Iks Kelly when I was being abused my abuser's mother kept convincing me to come back. She knew he hit me, raped me, would hide my keys or restrain me if I tried to leave. She heard him abuse me with actions and words. She told me that men were like that. She was hurt me by convincing me and I blame her along with him.
Iks Kelly that's so true, I even know mothers who do this to their sons also. They do whatever to make arrange marriages happen
Iks Kelly it's almost as though they cannot stand the idea of their daughters NOT enduring what THEY had to endure. That the only way they can rationalize or justify their own past as proper and okay, is if the tradition continues. If it DOESN'T continue on in their daughters, perhaps they would feel that THEIR OWN lives were squandered and stolen by the so called honor system.
LeAnn Cortez *Standing ovation* EXACTLY! You said it perfectly.
exactly they want them to endure the pain and guilt they did
Her father was proud of her the entire time. That's a damn shame he didn't protect her
Yes, it is, but most of the time the men are more open here. unfortunately, the mothers are the problem or worse in this situation, many times.
@@bloggerblogg5878 yes but unfortunately they are governed by fear and their mindsets are the results of decades of conditioning as well. in these cultures it is often the men that have the power to make the decisions to change... yet they still do not choose to.
@Gagan Deep because authority and power over their family define their self worth
@Gagan Deep usually fathers are the toothless tigers in the family . It's similar to a lot of Asian countries .
@Gagan Deep at least usually in my country . Usually the mother is the one who is in charge :/
Really killed me when she mentioned her father having her graduation picture on his wall. When you grow up knowing and believing certain things and ideologies, it's hard to break free. I'm glad that I took the time to watch this today, and I feel better informed, awakened, and grateful. My heart goes out to all the victims of such tragedies. xoxo
No one can understand a father's love for her daughter....
I know. I actually paused it right after that and cried pretty hard
our fathers love us... comming frm a tribal person like myself, they dont like to show their soft side. they dont like to admit to what they do, say & act.... its heartbreaking.
@@faanengaaw7357 Well thats who boys and men are taught. If you cry when you're little, you get comforted. But when you get a little older that comfort is only for girls. Boys will get laughed at, ridiculed and even scolded by teachers and other adults for crying. Eventually you learn to cry alone away from people and just talk to your parents and siblings about it mostly.
Mirrorwarrior yes ! That me right there!
when talking about the police officer she said "had he sent me home I would be in that marriage". what a difference can make in the world someone who is willing to listen and help !
That's what I am thinking about .....I have never heard anything like this before in India .....this sounds like a situation from our neighbouring country ......
These are the feminists we need to support.She has my love and respect and I'm so happy that she now lives happily
God bless her
Support all people who practice and believe in gender equity.
All feminists have to be supported.
Martina Broll exactly
@BL No. It isn't. 3rd Wave Feminism is ruining the country because they DON'T focus on these issues at all. Look it up yourself on Google. You'll hear nothing about any peace movement for Muslim at all.
@O It's Equality. You don't get to cherry pick what you get. Stop blaming men for your terrible 'Progressive' beliefs
She’s so courageous. Sadly, There were three sisters from my city who were killed by their father and mother because of the way they dressed. They were put in jail and the dad said in court “if I could do it again I would” so heartbreaking. These honour killings need to stop!
Gagan Deep they were a Muslim family. You can watch their story on RUclips. Just type in “Shafia family murder” by the Fifth Estate. So sad.
Gagan Deep Sorry, they were from Afghan before moving here to Canada.
The so-called "dad" belongs in Stone Age. 😡
These honour killings can stop if white people enforce the expectation of being in sophistacted Europe. Publicly shame the communities that practice these primitive behaviors nationally!
@Gagan Deep canada
"My honor is their shame."
being an Indian I know this is happening but I'm glad to say that my family has taught me to be free and do what I wanted to.
may God give knowledge to those who don't understand this.
ANUPAM BANERJEE lucky you. Unfortunately some of us are not that lucky. I was forced into marriage and it broke me and changed me totally. I have never been able to move fwd from what has happened to me.
Dear Naheed - so sorry for your situation. Wish you the best.
Naheed Akhtar I'm not sure from your message, but (first of all) I hope, Hope, HOPE you are out of that marriage. If not, there are many organizations that can help you; if you aren't sure you can do this by yourself, please PLEASE go directly to the nearest police station or hospital, and they will help you. Secondly, you are going to need support and help even after you have gotten away from the terrible monster who has hurt you. Again, there are many organizations that can provide this; you will be so surprised at how many women understand your experience, because they have been through it themselves. Finally, I'm sorry to say that it will take you awhile to regain your strength and happiness -- certainly more than eight months. However (and I tell you this from first-hand experience), you will - you absolutely can and will - be able to recover and learn to be joyful and loving and give and receive love, even if it takes some time. In fact, as you get well, you will be able to appreciate the good things in life, and the good and loving people in your life, like never before; never before the terrible monster came into your life. I absolutely promise you this. Please believe me. Write to me if you want. Much love and support.
Naheed Akhtar stay strong sisters ✊🏼
There are problems either way.
As said in another talk: culture is no excuse for child abuse
Watching this I remember when I was 15yo I overheard my mum saying " if it's not for their father I'd have married off these girls meaning me and my sister" . Later on my dad took us and went to live with my aunt. 10 years later I'm a university graduate, employed, independent , unmarried but happy.
These are the same women who cry about a mother's unconditional love when confronted
sweetie, you are unmarried AND happy.
@being human ikr. But our culture has over glorified mothers that nobody questions these toxic traits. Most of them are toxic, abusive and control freaks
Really good for you and you have great dad🥰
It’s because the women are conditioned to think this way and if something goes wrong then they are blamed. But it’s a vicious cycle and needs to stop
Hats off to the lady... GOD bless her
Nitin - the belief in "gods" is part of the reason she was victimized
According to any religion, forced marriages are forbidden and not legal. Arranged and forced are two opposite terms. Some illiterate people reversed all values just for the sake of their own profit. And "gods" have nothing to do with it.
She mentioned 'Sikhism' or 'Islam' does not support forced marriage. The perpetrators, of course, will have you believe that, and your compliance makes you just like her mom who upholds the system.
Her story is a masterpiece & it’s a perfect example to show the courage of a women. May this open the closed eyes of men who are living in the dark world of dogmatic thinking
God's dead.
Women uphold this system because they feel that they themselves were forced to it therefore their kids will face it too. Misery loves company
Well said
This kind of stuff is why I absolutely loath the entire idea of "honor".
ThatEntityPerson honor is the 8th deadly sin....
I agree. It is a dreadful and harmful concept.
There are vastly different concepts of honor. Don't blame the word.
Honour for most people is simply doing what is morally right. The real question is - 'What is Right?'
Dude you must have some dignity and honour and live by principles. But if your principles arw wrong then youve got a problwm
Where's the unconditional love? I often see people going on and on about an Indian parent's unconditional love. But I don't see it. Yes they will love u unconditionally if u choose the career they want, marry the person they want and live life according to their wish. But isn't that conditional love? Guilt tripping the child, staying in abusive marriages and making the child responsible for it is so wrong.
You are absolutely right
True
My father abused my mother, siblings and me. He didn't care whether we ate, slept, studied or happy. After we left him, relatives forced us to talk to him because *he's your father*. Excuse me, producing a child alone doesn't make a man their father.
@@jaybirdfly149 screw what ur relatives say. Go to police or else move out after getting a job. Never tolerate abuse from anyone. He's just ur biological father, nothing more.
Yess that's true.....family says if u marry to your choice or choose career against them then it's all your responsibility if there happens something wrong. Family will not support you if u do so. Then where is the unconditional love?? They say they love you unconditionally and so what they choose for u is the best always
"My honor was their shame..." I love it!
Sad stories ... but strong women !💖💖💖
strong is often not enoufh
@@nancyhanson5620 _mhm_
I cried. Because I've seen my aunts talk about my NRI cousins the same way. Girls who are being too 'Westernized' or being too 'Hippie' but seeing and knowing them personally, I know that they are kinder, smarter and more compassionate than the so called 'good-girls' living back home. Ambition, happiness, and love do not follow codes of conduct. I also feel blessed to be raised by parents who refuse to give in to the stupid rules of the society, and never made me feel insignificant. Sometimes the irony comes too stark to me. Raised in India, a supposedly conservative country, I am more out-spoken than people I know raised in the US or UK under really harsh community pressures. She's so right when she says just because she was raised in England didn't mean being exposed to the same sense of freedom like everyone else. This really shook me. I've seen my friends and cousins from the US or the UK migrating back to India, and their parents throwing away a promising career, because of 'Culture Shock' and I'm beginning to think now, it's not about culture shock. It's about 'honor' and a false sense of pride that's just another version of racial discrimination.
Balakarthiga. M for a period of time my mother worked with some afghanistan security men and there was this one young guy ...maybe 22 years old, who got engaged with his cousin, who he just knew from photos.
Even so after the engagement, he began to call her everyday and felt really in love with her.
(I don’t know if she was/is in love with him)
His cousin actually lives with his parents in Cologne while he’s living in another city and works two jobs, to support his parents and his fiance.
His whole life is just around earning money. Money for the marriage, money for a new department, money for her expensive clothing and jewelry...he himself just eats the cheapest food and doesn’t spend any money on himself...it’s just really sad.
Everyone in his family is expecting for him to be a man and to send them money.
I never knew that this kind of really conservative culture could be damaging for men, too ...it really never crossed my mind
@@alaplaya5 read my comment earlier... it is you know
@@MissMaria1988 what?
I wasnt that lucky bt i agree with u
It is sad how conservative girls back home shame westernised Asian women out of jealousy and because of their orthodox mentality. Women still justify the honour killing of Qandeel Baloch. As a Pakistani, I know how Pakistani women troll Pakistani actresses for wearing short clothes and for not following Islam properly. How will they teach their sons to respect women regardless of what they wear?
Highly recommend her book Daughters of Shame. Best book I've read in long time. Moving, Enthralling, Shocking and brutally honest.
Thank you for mentioning her book, I was looking for it
“She was forced to mary a stranger”
The “do not talk to strangers” quote: am I a joke to you?
Some cultures dont teach that. That's more of a western quote. Asian cultures are very community based and everything you do has to be pleasing to the community even if they are strangers. Indian men in particular dont get rejected or they react violently towards it.
@@patience5277 don't you have a dog to eat?
Blues Clues don't you have a brain that needs to be educated?
@@eun508 i dont think he does :/
I read her book "Shame" I cried reading it!.. looking back at my childhood I can remember my friend's sister who had run away and did exactly what Jaswinder had done.. it was only when I read her book did I know why my friend would never speak about her sister... Being Asian myself I too had to go through an arranged marriage.. and I was not happy... I only divorced him when my mum died! I totally resonate with her... now a divorcee and with three daughters of my own.. I would never in the world put my daughters through what I went through... when you have been brought up in a closed knit family it is so hard to go on yourself
Jaswinder,Please tell the women to go to their local Church of England church. for help. The Vicar can issue marriage licences different from the local Register Office and offer refuge. Under their .This responsibility only applies to the State Church leaders, not to leaders in the RC Church ,Methodist Baptist Jewish etc. These people MAY help but have no legal responsibility to do so
I can't even imagine or conceive that a family would say "it was better this way" in regard to their child having SET HERSELF ON FIRE. Or a mother put a plastic bag down her young daughter's throat. This is just insane. It puts me to think that ideology and culture are so powerful as to have an entire society lose sense of humanity. The basic instinct of protecting your children and having them around can be shut off.
So revolting! A lot of these women who uphold these insane traditions have been brainwashed from a young age. They were once victims yet they become the perpetrators. Very sad! I remember watching a documentary on a young Iranian girl called Banaz who was also murdered by her own family members. I truly hope many young women suffering with a life like this will make it out and find true freedom.
Queenof TheNile Banaz ‘s story was so incredibly sad, then 10 years later her heart broken boyfriend died😢. Thank goodness for Caroline Goode, the policewoman who fought to imprison Banaz’s murderers and also have others extradited from abroad to face British Justice.
Queenof TheNile they don’t want women to have the choices that they were denied
Sometimes the women in the family try to think that this kind of suffering isn’t that bad, ‚‘cause themselves turned out to be alright
Well i found some place to escape , hopefully, after ending the tie i am in...( due to honour)..
May she rest in peace. I remember watching a program about her murder and it broke my heart.
"Cultural acceptance does not mean acceptance of the unacceptable."
The part where she said her father had kept her graduation pic got me.....it shows that her father really loved her & was proud of her success despite so much misunderstanding & hate.
Love is a different thing
When you love you respect
"Even without our families, there is a world out there for us." ❤️
family is not someone who gave birth to you or shares your blood.
family is when someone loves you and accepts who you are and what you want to do with your life.
I'm 26 and my parents somehow just want me to be married off. They think I'll not survive without a man. I am a dentist currently working to take an exam that will lead to specialization. I am not ready or interested in marriage. And i can honestly relate to her. My dad does pressure me but he doesn't throw a tantrum. My mom loses her calm over my marriage. Worst part is when all these families come in to 'see' you to get you into an arranged marriage. This is quite screwed up. Mostly female peers question me and pressure me into settling down. I am not ready for marriage and i don't want it anytime soon. But my parents ignore it like it's a pointless thing. They say "oh she'll be fine once married". Well hello no i won't be! If I'm not ready and you marry me off even to the best guy in the whole wide world, i won't be able to appreciate him and just walk out of it! I wish our mothers could break free of their own fears!
UPDATE: wow it's been years!! I'm 29 now and still have the same passion. I left a comment in the replies too but I guess so many who showed concern for me couldn't read that. ❣️ I love you all. This is so surreal! I am truly humbled and thankful for the love you all had to give. ❣️
Afifa Irfan i have realised in these scenarios it is always the elder generation women or women who went through the same custom (especially from 'back home') to force these traditions compared to the men. I can say that truthfully from my own experience. The best advice i can give to girls is to get an education so you have something to fall back on if you become disowned.
Just say NO ! Fight it. Don't no matter what get married if you are not ready
Remember this while you try to teach your child what you were taught
You surely have some kind of stipend, get seperated and live your life.
If you do not earn just now, wait for employment, buy some time and when you have a job go out and live seperately.
Being educated is not enough, try to be self sufficient.
You only live once.
If you are not ready then don't go for it... Now can fight with your family but... If you marry you have to fight with other family Too....so until u r not ready don't go for it
the way she talked about women being the main abusers too, hit me hard because it's so true. Even the women are brainwashed to think these menist values are true
Edit: I agree with some of the replies, South Asian men don't fear talking up or breaking the rules but women have to obide because there is no other option for them and through that fear they know only to enforce the mindset on their daughters because if there daughters start "acting different" all the blame will always be on the women. Women are more strict because they don't have the freedom to not
It's like saying "I've suffered, now it's your turn"
yeah both my parents hit me but usually it is my mom
Τίγρη Kogo yeah :(
She is right, some mother instead of helping their daughter to find the right way, she make her daughter killing target instead of helping.
@@TQrfoeljU8lN8tVy1Y2ffA totally agree
When my match was made when I was 14 I was so excited. I’d never been so happy as I was on my wedding day. My parents we’re so proud of me...it wasn’t until after I was married that it all went wrong. My new husband was much older, which I didn’t really mind , but he was also cruel and his mother was even worse. They both beat me regularly. I was 21 when I ran and I took my daughter with me. She will never be married off to a man she doesn’t know.
There is no honor in honor killing. Wise and true words
I was disowned too by my own mother and father and two sisters. Because I refused to follow in their footsteps. They claim I have dishonored them. No. They have dishonored me.
I hope you'll never forget that you have made the right choice.
wide words that come out of you. Thank You for saying that.
You made the right choise, and I hope you’re doing well xx
Hope you keep your distance from their miserable lives, or they will look for opportunity to distroy you.
Footsteps? As in profession?
going through all this is horrendous, its sad because we realise our family dont love us, ive been disowned for 14years now ,
You are brave and I wish you every happiness. Sadly families can be victims of the honour system too but I hope you will be happily reunited one day.
I live in India, Jasmine, and I run the risk of alienating my family too, considering I'm quite sure I won't marry, and even if I do, caste and religion and "their" choice won't matter to me. There's a huge chunk of young Indians like me too, and some of my friends are as afraid of this ostracization as I am. Reading your comment has strengthened my resolve, thanks for sharing. Hope your family come to their mind and start accepting fundamental human rights and reunite with you :)
jazmine ali shit that's sad 😟
jazmine ali i hope you find true happiness and forgive your family
jazmine my dear, you are living the journey for which you were born to live. Be a light to the world and be all that you can be. Living your truth will bring strength, honor and freedom to other women.
When someone in my neighbourhood killed her sister for honor. My mother told me see this happens to bad girls. I love my parents but I despise their thinking. And sadly my sister is becoming the target of this thinking and I cant do anything.
Try emailing the author of the speech. Maybe this women would give you some decent advice to save your sister.
Make your choises
Call Jaswinder organization if you are in the UK
Call Jaswinder organization if you are in the UK
You can do nothing??? How old are you? This comment is 1year ago...is your sister ok? What about you? Did you call the police about the people killing their girl in your neighborhood??
People don't realize that family makes the biggest impact on ones life. To those who have kids, please love them unconditionally and with your whole heart and place them before anyone and anything. And to those who don't want kids, please don't have them if you know you won't give them all the love they deserve and accept them for who they become.
So true I always used to say to my friend .....
this is exactly what I tell people who ask me when I’m having kids/why I haven’t yet (I’m 30 and been married for 6 years so I get that question a lot). Childless people don’t hate children; many of us just understand that if you actively don’t want kids, you’re only doing them and yourself a disservice by giving into social expectations.
Literally some ppl should not have kids......
Anyone else clap loud enough for the people in the back when she says that her daughter got a beautiful wedding day because of the decisions she made as a mother when her daughter was 16 years old? The joy she must have felt to see her daughter have the CHOICE and to be happily married just resonates with me.
this woman is one of the most powerful people i’ve ever seen
To all HATERS and those 3 people who disliked this video, I pity your point of views and i wish you had better sense of moral judgement. Jasvinder Sanghera, we stand by you to fight for this cause. I pray to God that no girl ever faces this kind of situation. I bow down to in front of your courage and personality Jasvinder Sanghera. We need more people like you.
Neel Basu Well said dear.👏
Neel Basu 176 dislikes 😔
Correct!
@PROTOJOY Not. Just. Men.
Someone from India disliked it..
So lovely to hear an intelligent, educated Punjabi woman, who is not ashamed to have been westernised. But how sad it makes me to know that she is one of only a tiny minority. And how sad it makes me to know that there are oh, so many, who cannot protest at the treatment they receive from the hands of their own mother, father and ,even worse, from their community.
god/gods/whoever-you-believe-or-don't-believe-in bless the one policeman who didn't send her teenage self back to her family... one person can change the lives of many and without that policeman her children would have never been born.
Agree Lucie...may God bless that policeman wherever he is..
Yo straight up love you and the way you said that. You rock.
I was disowned by my Italian family in the 70's 🙂 I promised MYSELF and my daughter that I would NOT do the CATHOLIC GUILT TRIP TO HER 😊 PROMISE KEPT 😋 it's time to END GENERATIONAL BS AND CALL IT OUT WHERE IT EXISTS 💞💕
As a man born into a Sikh-identifying family (though not considered religious myself), I applaud this woman for her courage, tenacity and perseverance in staying the course to get on with her life whilst having kids of her own to witness their independence. The fact you harbour the will to forgive your family situation speaks volumes about your character. YOU GO GRRRRRRL!
It was a life changing experiencing to listen to her live. We all were in tears that evening during her Tedx talk.
Thank you.
Blessed her, such a brave person I wish her all the best and hope that she will inspire more people to take part of the change that is needed. Hats off.
For Arab woman we don't even speak of it in the media no one dares
Sarah Hasan yes sister thats why we in the west are seeking the liberation of arab muslim women in the west young lady. I myself work with arab women to fight against arranged marriage
Sad
When I saw the Saudi women trying to eat through their veils in Trabzon while their male guardians were walking around in shorts and flip flops, I would say to my husband it's a shame. He has an abusive, misogynistic mentality so he would say they have their brothers and husbands to decide for them and anyway they have a right to choose. I never believed that.
Mutaalimah Than the west is where you do not belong - make your original country better with Islam & at peace amongst each other & neighboring countries. My family is immigrants to the USA & know we are different culturally but respect the opportunity to live amongst a different culture without being arrogant to think they should all be as we are in our religion & various customs. Embrace diversity & peace if you have the opportunity to live in the west or in Europe. . Be the best example you can be without being intrusive to others who are different in your views. The west is made up of every culture & country from around the world. It is a beautiful thing diversity & living peacefully amongst one another. Let love , sensibility & kindness rule all of our behaviors. I wish that for all of us.
i don't know where are you from but in tunisia that's not true women are empowered so don't speak on behalf of arab countries talk about where you from .
Brilliant Speech!! It is very much a real issue for people from South-Asian counties + Afghanistan! When I was 21 my father wanted me to marry this 36 years old man who he claim is the best man ever! I fought, staying in the same house, everyday with him who war pressurizing me, having my mom being accused of my shameful behavior was hell. I stand up for my rights and I used real Islamic teaching to shame them. I won, but I was Lucky that my parents werent psychopaths who would kill their daughter. But many girls arent as fortunate, the idea of leaving their families is so scary that they stay and obey. Like like any women in a abused relationship! Fear of Leaving and be on the streets is very powerful!
Regina, I honor you for your courage. Continue to be that light.
Regina Phalange Kudos to you for your courage! May God bless you with a marriage that is beneficial for you and may you be _emotionally_ satisfied with it and not have to deal with troublesome decisions made only by your parents' wishes.
And if you don't mind, would you please share some of the Islamic commands on this that helped you win your argument? I believe that Islamic education has been lacking IMMENSELY in our cultures (I'm from Pakistan, specifically) and people need to realise that forced marriages are LOATHED in the Qur'an. I'm only 16 and watching lectures and listening to experiences like these scare me so much that I can't help but imagine what I'd had to deal with if this were to happen to me. And especially because as I'm growing up, my mum keeps on pushing the idea to be the _perfect_ bride for whatever random guy she chooses for me to marry. Let's just hope she does extensive research respecting *my opinions and views* on the suitor instead of turning a blind eye and choosing whomever she wishes and then forcing me to agree on it ESPECIALLY when I've got so many dreams and aspirations in life. I don't want to end it all just to be a babymaker for some stranger :(
My parents also want me to get married. I'm 21 but I'm not ready for it and this is not what I want in my life. But I think they're gonna make me and that too with a person that I will meet at the wedding day for the very first time. I would rather kill my self than get married to a stranger. What should I do?
Loving Thyself Well I dont know where you are from but maybe you can try to contact one of the charities mentioned in the video. I cant imagine beibg forced to mary someone I didnt want to. I would rather endure the (short) pain of leaving the situation and making my own life than a lifelong of pain.
FOR ME IT WAS THE OPPOSITE, I MET SOMEONE ON MY OWN AND BROUGHT HIM HOME FOR MY DAD TO MEET HIM, THINGS WERE GOING WELL BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO GET MARRIED INFACT 2 WEEKS BEFORE THE WEDDING, THINGS CHANGED WITH HIM AND TO MY SURPRISE I AND MY PARENTS KICKED HIM AWAY I ASKED GOD TO GIVE ME A SIGN AND THE NEXT MORNING I GOT A TEXT FROM MY FIANCE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. HE DID N'T WANT TO SIGN A PRENUP MY DAD WAS PUSHING FOR SO I KNEW HE REALLY DIDN'T LOVE ME AS I THOUGHT, HE WAS LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET MONEY. I WAS INTRODUCED TO GUYS FROM FAMILY FRIENDS IN THE PAST AND MY DAD SENT THEM ALL AWAY, THEY WERE WORTHLESS SO I SAID DAD, DON'T BE UPSET FOR ME, I'M FINE, AND DAD SMILED, YOUR BETTER OFF SINGLE THAN HAVE A MAN EXPECT YOU TO WORK AND FOR YOU AND US TO TAKE CARE OF HIM????? HERE . I'M GIVING YOU A DOWRY AND HE EXPECTS YOU TO WORK, I'LL SEND HIM TO THE MOON LMAO. ( HONEY MOONERS) THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS CANCELING THE WEDDING, I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO CHURCH AND SMILE AT THE PRIEST AND SAY " I'M MARRYING MYSELF LOL AND THE HALL PAID WITH FOOD WILL GO TO THE TOWN S POOR PEOPLE LIKE SOMEONE HAD DONE IN TEXAS TO CELEBRATE I GOT RID OF SOMEONE WHO DID NOT LOVE ME
I am an Indian and proud to say that to whatever extent I have known my culture and my family, no where did I heard or experienced any such horrible instance. Blessed to be surrounded by good souls🙂
Same 😁😄
India, in time, developed away to standard themselves to the West. European muslims never had the pressure to change, so they stayed conservative.
Geetanjali. You belong the privileged few who lead a sheltered life. Step out into the real world sometime, travel by public transport and walk in the crowded bazaars. That will give you an entirely new perspective.
@@explorerelka yes I am definitely privileged to belong to normal middle class family here and have no vehicle of my own, totally relying on public transport for daily travel of around 50km one way for my work and study schedules. Yet I never came across any such experiences thankfully.
Gitanjali you are privileged, see what happened in Rohtak , honour killing. Father killes daughter and her newly wed husband.
The part about her fathers closet finally got me. Like she said; he knew what was right, but because of this twisted honour code, he couldn’t do what he felt was right.
I blubbered like a baby listening to this, how did she speak so calmly and eloquently with one single voice crack... I don’t know. I do know that this woman triumphed and she’s a shining example to all us desi girls. Thank you
Her books she's written. I guess you could class them as therapy...
Her father was too proud to face her and congrat her for her graduation.But her father knew she did right thing. Honor and cultural traditions are stronger than leaving your kids free.
Freedom is more important than culture.
Tracy Abernathy Exactly!
Marge Arriola Of course NOT!May be just for uneducated,retrogressive,primitive villagers....!
@@tracyabernathy4591 Abernathy? as in Haymitch Abernathy
@@tracyabernathy4591 ?
The only people who disliked this are the people who agree with the whole honour thing
I am from Pakistan I am 15 , my father and mother always said education is the key to a good life , the want me to become a doctor , I am so grateful for them all the people around me value a girl's basic rights , I know alot of girls in my country suffur by getting married early , I want to change that some how ❤️✊🏻
You go! I hope all dream comes true. Best of luck.
-A teen across the sea
So happy u have such understanding parents.
Dear Jasvinder, your talk had me in tears. The same happened to my sister in law 45 years ago. She was kidnapped by her family and taken to the airport bound for India. She managed to alert a British friend what was happening and the police were called and she was taken into custody and kept in a safe place. She too had a choice to go back to her family or be disowned, and she chose the latter. Fast forward 10 years and she met my brother and fell in love. They married and had two beautiful children, she was happy in her new life but unfortunately the pain of what happened all those years ago, losing her family, and not being told when her parents died, it took it's toll on her and she died of cancer at a young age. My heart aches that we lost her so young.
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
WE NEED MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN THE WORLD
Absoloutely !
11:25
Omg I’m crying
This girl was so beautiful. “Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child”
This person gets it. Not a lot of people do. I am saying this as someone else who was "disowned."
I remember when my mother tried to introduce a man twice my age and claimed it was a joke. I honestly did not take it as a joke and rather shut it right there and then and it was her first time seeing me super mad. Thanks for sharing xxx
I cried when she talked about finding her graduation picture in her dad's room. Heartbreaking
One of the best ted talks I have heard. Each word so grounded, so meaningful, honest and thought provoking.
Read once about a British officer in India in the 19th century when he witnessed a funeral pyre being built for a recently deceased man. When he inquired further he was told that the pyre is not only for the husband but the widow as well. That it was a cultural norm that a widow should not outlive the husband. The British officer was enraged at this practice so he instructed his men to build a gallows next to the pyre. When asked what he was building, he explained that in our culture, anyone who burns alive a person for this type of reason will hang to death. The practice was stopped immediately and the pyre removed but the gallows stayed.
@Khayali Pulaao And not Rammohun Roy
It was Britishers who distorted our culture . Sati Pratha is never seen in any of our ancient texts. Sorry we are not thankful to those theives.
@@thefrustratedneetaspirant7777 still frustrated or did you finally get a minimum wage job?
You do realize at the time when The Brtish East India Company was complaining about Widow burning or Sati in India that in Western countries they where burning women for witchcraft and occultism in the American colonies in North America in Salem during the Salem witch trials in the 13 Colonies. And that incident your talking about with Brtish official Charles Napier happened around the 18th century not the 19th century.
@@thefrustratedneetaspirant7777 well said
I'm seeing this for the first time and it's just so potent. I met Jasvinder a few years ago and read her book when it was first published. What an amazing woman! She deserves all the support she and Karma Nirvana can get from all levels of society. Jasvinder deserves to be listed "as one of the world's most Inspirational Women"! Thank you for sharing your life so others can live out theirs in freedom and personal security.
This happens in Canada a lot. Happy to see someone intelligently inform the public on this issue. Keep up the good work!
To the 550 people who disliked this video:
Shame on you
Indeed. Probably members of her family.
@Gagan Deep I agree. these people probably in those community that she was talking about. The GOV in the UK should look in to this.
i call them murderers
🤣🤣
They are Australians trying to like
спасибо
Cultural acceptance does not mean accepting the unacceptable
Most people cannot begin to understand what it's like to be abandoned by a mother and father. I was 14 when my mother sent me to a father I'd never met and 17 when he bugged out for a life with his new girlfriend. I'm a white, American male in middle life who is still trying to reconcile my self-worth with a perception of worthlessness and the shame of abandonment.
Parents need to recognize the level of trauma they're capable of visiting upon their children and the far reaching consequences of doing so.
I am Pakistani Muslim living in USA and I am against force marriages
Ghulam Abbas forced marries aren’t okay in Islam anyway...
rehena begum really?Could have fooled me
"My honour was their shame" ! Great message to reflect .
"...my sister was 24 years ol when she set herself on fire and she committed suicide....." in the name of "honour' for the perpetrators in her own family !!!!
Omg that statement “do this or you are disowned”, ugh it sends shivers down my spine
"My honor was their shame" powerful words.
I am 27 year old independent girl and a Chartered accountant.. My parents started planning for arranged marriage thats when I disclosed them about my love towards a boy who is also CA.. I expresses my desire to marry him.. My parents disagreed and ignored me.. They say I don't have any right to love a man without their prior permission..
It kills me when I realized that their honour is more important than happiness of their only daughter. They say I bring shame to the family to love someone without their permissions.
Every time I oppose their point of arrange marriage they start blackmailing me that they would kill themselves..
I love my parents and I want them to be happy but my happiness in my marriage is of utmost priority
Your family doesn't love you respect you, I hope you're safe and far away from them.
Is moving out an option? The thing is of you go through with this marriage it maybe hard for you to leave. You maybe be stuck with him for a long while.
Hope you are OK and doing well.
Hope you are safe, health and happy wherever you are. God bless.
In the 1980's a friend of mine was engaged to an Indian girl who we all adored,one day she disappeared. He never saw her again as she was married off. We never heard what happened to her either and I still think about her.
Can we just take a moment to appreciate what a badass shafelia was, she literally went down fighting till the very end, shes my actual role model i almost cry everytime i hear her story
She was a teenage being punished whenever she does normal thing
This also often happens to rape victims in the UK too. I havent seen my family for 8 years for speaking out about male sexist violence against me. We in the West are not so above endorsing violence against women and children as we like to believe. Honour violence is male supremacist violence, a more extreme version of domestic violence but with the same driver at its base, the subjugation of women and children as property rather than people.
I completely agree with you! In SOuthAsia it is called Honor system but in the west this has different names but the oppression against women is everywhere! Women get silence for stupid shitty family/traditions/culture/religion/male-supremacy/poverty etc.
oneclick boedicea. So true im somalian woman i know that fact it's all about men don't feel bad u did right for yourself and your future i hope u get happy life
What is interesting is that WOMEN were implemented this honour thinks. She also mantioned it. It´s not really male think, it´s a cultural-religious think. Men are bastards so often. But what I will never be able to understand are those women...... Maybe they just want to be "just" and make their daughters suffer same way as they did. It´s just sick, no apology for it.
Stázka they’re brainwashed. but the tradition is still based on oppression and the patriarchy.
It makes sense the women would be the upholders. They were forced to do it and misery loves company.
Neghie Thervil not even just misery. They just are used to it and are what they’re used to
Actually that is not why they do it.They are so brainwashed that they'll do anything for culture and honour.They really believe that what they are doing is good for their children . My family thinks that suffering from abuse is a sacrifice every women has to make,for their marriage to work. They think that if the girl refuses to be abused and tries to file a divorce, she's being overdramatic and has been pampered way too much😒😶
@@nazeefa353 This is just so sad, the fact that we are still living in a world where people are following these backward and horrific practices is depressing
Subhanallah, what a strong woman. I hope your organisation succeeds.
My eyes teared up when she said "my daughter was able to live that day because of the decision i made at the age of 16"
This women is a real hero. She's speaking the hard truths that are so scary but need to be faced.
This woman is so brave she and Shafelia inspired my dissertation on honour killings and domestic violence against women in 2013. It really breaks my heart that this violence against women still happens in 2018!! Both in south and south east Asia, Latin America, Africa and UK 💔💔
we respect our parent but it doesn't mean that we should accept that what is unacceptable to us
thank you for this lovely conference
I remember reading her book when I was a teenager. Hearing her speak about her story brings me to tears every time. What a brave soul.
"The people who are doing this to you are the people who love you the most".
That's powerful.....and true
I have just today finished reading jasvinders book ‘ Shame ‘ and I could NOT put it down ,what she went through was horrendous , Jasvinder is a VERY BRAVE lady ,and what she does now to help young Asian girls is to be commended…
Jasvinder ! I loved your book it was a REVELATION!!! Had no idea what goes on in Asian families ..
Heartbreaking. Honor Killings. Killing in the name of honor. You are a brave woman! Great speech as well.
It's very hard to understand how a whole culture have ended up having so little love for their own children.
bye girl Dude this is not the time to troll 😑
This is not little love..this is excessive love if your partner is rich and has a good reputation for his family then parents think that our child will live lavish life and that money brings happiness to us that is also somewhat true but not completely true money alone can't bring happiness it should be our partner who should love us and give equal respect that brings a healthy happy relationship
I have heard of a lot of stories like this. A lot of girls going through this and it baffles me that these agencies in the UK ALWAYS return these girls to the people threatening their lives. It’s so depressing. I feel so sad for all the women in such families being subjected to such inhumanity.
this woman came to my school once. she's amazing, and i aspire to be like her one day.
This hit too close to home for me. Moved to tears. Thank you.
I find the idea of forced marriage to be very repugnant regardless of sex. At age 18 I was not ready for marriage. Even 50 years later I am still not ready for marriage. I am happily a perennial bachelor to the very end. Marriage is an institution that is not for everyone. I love this woman's stand against marriage and for thinking for herself. I think it is a good idea for more Muslim (and former Muslim) adults to give Ted talks.
Jack to be very honest islam has nothing to do with force .Infact according to islam they are many clear examples from prophet Muhammad's era that tell stories about forced marriage and how they were strict condemned.If islam is strict about anything then its about things like these.Its cruel to people like this ladys parents.Unfortunately many in my culture do not believe in say of a women.But in Islam a marriage is not done untill or unless both the man and woman say yes with their will.
The lady is born into a Sikh family, same thing happens with hindu girls? Are these folks all "hidden muslims"??
Muslims?.....is everyone non-white...or non..christian is a Muslim.....there are hundreds if not thousands of religions and belief system in this world...
Momina, let's be real. It happens regardless of highly publicized condemnations and book passages. Actions matter; just like this woman speaking out against honor-violence in numerous cultures and traditions.
Momina Almagir
this happens with muslim women 100x worse
I'm glad I left this culture and family honer rubbish. You should of course respect and hold family honer but not when it turns to abuse and treads on your individual freedom. I do think her parents will regret what they've done to her/her sister in their final days but then it will be too late.
I feel so lucky that my parents only disowned me for a few years - that they missed me and learned to adapt. Now there are just some parts of my life that we don't talk about openly. The part about missing all the nice aspects of your culture made me cry like a little kid. Thanks so much for sharing your story Jasvinder.
No parent should disown any of their own children. There is so little love in this world already.
Shafilea drinking half a bottle of bleach was the most metal thing I’ve ever heard. That girl had the spirit of a lion in her that was shackled by her family’s expectations. She is a warrior.
"My HONOR is their SHAME"
But you have done what is right.