Have You Ever Met a Monster? | Amy Herdy | TEDxSanJuanIsland
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- Опубликовано: 12 янв 2016
- Messaging around sexual assault prevention is largely aimed at women and cloaked in helpful advice: don't walk alone, don't get drunk, don't put yourself at risk. Essentially, don't get raped.
What if we turn this attention to a different population and say, 'don't rape'? What are we doing wrong as a culture that we continue to produce rapists?
Through poignant storytelling, award-winning author and investigative producer Amy Herdy explores the cycle of sexual abuse and examines the dangers of dismissing our most violent predators as 'monsters'.
For more than twenty years, journalist and author Amy Herdy has specialized in trauma reporting, particularly sexual assault.
Ms. Herdy’s professional engagements include teaching workshops on investigative reporting and trauma journalism for the U.S. State Department in Lahore, Karachi and Islamabad, Pakistan. Her awards include an Emmy; Society of Professional Journalists awards; a Radio, Television News Directors Association award; an Associated Press award; two American Society of Newspaper Editors awards and a Military Reporters & Editors award.
In 2011 Ms. Herdy published an award-winning memoir, Diary of a Predator, about her time at the Post covering the case of serial rapist Brent Brents. In 2015 she was the investigative producer for the documentary, “The Hunting Ground." She is now an investigative producer for Chain Camera Pictures and lives on San Juan Island in Washington state.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
"If you help an abused child you could be preventing a life time of pain for more than one person.."
Yeah but nobody cares about that person that was abused as a child and suffers he's entire life
She’s not saying that his past is an excuse or that all victims become abusers. She is saying that if someone had believed him and helped him, it may have stopped him from growing up to do the horrible things he did. By helping victims, it can keep things like this from escalating, even if that person isn’t going to become an abuser themselves. He wasn’t believed or helped when he was telling the truth. No victim of abuse should have to endure that.
King Dread That's true and you are right.
Captain Bunny , Very likely suffered from several brain injury's.
I agree, Capt Bunny, No one hears the children.
Finally somebody in the comments that knows what is right.
Captain Bunny is past is this word and I’m his nephew I should know
I'll just say what I wish someone had told me when I was young: if the first person you tell doesn't believe you, tell another and another and another and do not stop until you are believed and rescued.
There are some people who wont ever believe you even when they see your monster in handcuffs. That's their problem, not yours.
Tell another. Please.
Problem is, kids run out of people to tell quickly and no one ever tells them that they have the agency to go to the police.
And when people tell you to tell others, understand THEY ARE TALKING TO YOU. Not to "other people," not to folks who can "safely" tell about their abusers. TO. YOU.
It doesn't matter if you come from a good family. Doesn't matter if it feels like you're being disloyal. If you're talking out of the house.
Your abuser may make you feel like you're the only one who can't speak up. Your abuser may make you feel like you will be the one who suffers if you tell.
That's because your abuser doesn't want to get caught.
And even if you won't do it for yourself, do it for the other people your abuser WILL hurt, and keep hurting, if your abuser doesn't get caught.
That message: tell others, get help. IT IS FOR YOU.
End the cycle.
Ah yea, keep telling people, why? so they can beat you half to death for spreading rumors and shaming your family? I think not. You wait until you’re large enough to fight for yourself or if you’re a woman you wait until you’re married and then your husband can teach the one who abused you a painful lesson.
I believe you.
I was sexualy abused as a child. Thankfully my aunt got me away from my mum when I was 5. I don't really know how to cope with this. But I will *never* hurt anyone.
I’m sorry. Respect ❤️
Make sure you are also on the list of people you will never hurt.
You are the sort of person that gives me home in humankind
I'm so sorry something happened to you. Thank goodness you were removed from the situation. You deserve the best in life for knowing it doesn't excuse you to hurt others
A large part of that could have been that you had help from your aunt. It's clear from her story that Brent never had that help, his mom let it happen, and he spent his formative years in juvie, then prison.
"How could no one have noticed that boy?" People noticed. People knew. His mother knew. Silence is complicity. "Speak the truth faster." Kids have noone but you to count on. Saving that boy could have saved all of the people he harmed.
This is the most honest comment I have seen and quite honestly I agree one hundred percent. I have seen it happen. People did know, it was the choice that they made to keep quiet in my mind that led to Brent victimizing others. If someone would have just spoken up they may have been able to prevent all of Brents victims from being victims in the first place.
He was probably a kid like Jenny in Forrest Gump, everyone in town knows, but they don't want to know really.
If his father broke his left eye socket, certainly many people noticed.
The thing that angers me the most is his own mother saying to this woman's face, "Brent makes up all kinds of things," blaming him entirely, using her own son as a scapegoat for her ex husband's abuse.
@ angela: nobody cares
"So when you see a monster next, always remember this. Do not fear the thing before you. Fear the thing that created it instead."
Nikita Gill
wow.
you are so right.
That quote is great but..people will misinterpret the ''Fear the thing that created it instead.'' part. Nikita may be referring to drugs or alcohol ruining someones life; but what if it's an innocent mother and father? Not being able to control the ''monster?''
Sorry I'm not really sure I quite understand what you're trying to say, could you maybe explain it again?
I think you are missing the point :D it doesnt always have to be parents who fuked up :D it can be brothers, sisters, friends, random everyday people who have negative influence on each other. and eventually, this leads to the creation of the monster. Basically, like the whole human society is creating monsters and criminals who are no more than a bunch of misguided children but lack the intelligence/wisdom to work out the right path :D EDIT: or lack the courage to walk it. :D
When she said the mom paused and made a sigh then said “ Brent makes up stories”. I got chills and knew he was assaulted. His mother may have been a narcissist as that kind of distain is how they treat their children. Like they are a burden and they don’t even really notice them. Margaret is a saint and I hope she heals and becomes something amazing using her gift of sight and her incredible emotional intelligence. Such an inspiring talk. My heart breaks for every victim. It’s not your fault and you are not alone.
it was so obvious. .... My father was assaulted, molested by his most beloved uncle. I still have a picture of him age 13, a beautiful innocent boy... my father assaulted both my sister and I, and even said to my sister years later. ”I was your first lover.” No one would speak this way, without himself first being broken...
Agreed on everything except on your use of the term "narcissist". She was a complacent abuser, sure, but diagnosing anyone without context can be harmful since it could just reinforce negative stigma to people with those diagnosis.
I've met people who suspect they could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and are in the process of getting a diagnosis, and in the end, they're just a victim like everyone else.
I even have compassion for the mother. I can imagine that she came up with the "he tells stories" line to rationalize her utter failure, her complete powerlessness, to protect her child from what happened to him. Imagine your own child was enduring the horror that this kid was, and you could do *nothing* to stop it. Wouldn't that break you, too?
“The most unbearable people have the the most unbearable pasts .“
Not all those who are abused become abusers. Some of us manage to overcome the horrors of our past and grow into responsible adults.
M Downey sadly it is true that the other way around the majority of rapists and killers have been sufferings from abuse.
Daleeny Yes, you are right. Abusers and killers usually have abuse and neglect in their background. However, all those who have suffered abuse and neglect, do not carry on the pattern. We all need to be careful about those assumptions.
Is it fair to say that we should be preventing abuse across the board and offering more access to counseling, considering that trauma causes so many negative health outcomes in general?
The majority do, if the majority didn't then by statistics everyone would be an abuser.
The younger the victim is when abuse started, the more likely the victim will end being a perpetrator - and also the frequency and severity of the abuse. There is a window period in which a child's personality is shaped - and this is largely through modelling, experiences and environment. When a child experiences abuse during and even before this time, it becomes ingrained into their self - it affects them cognitively (their perception of self, others and the world), emotionally (how they regulate their emotional response), physically etc.
I was molested as a child, I have never hurt another person in this manner. I was very angry for years after I was violated, I was 7 when it started I'm 41 now. I finally released my anger & came to terms with the past doesn't control or define me when I was 38. So it took 31 yrs for me to stop letting someone else have power & control over me.
Amy you can knock on my door anytime!
Respect
Jolene, you had 7 years of love and safety, believe it or not that makes a huge difference. I'm very glad you have worked on over coming what you went through. You must be a very brave and strong person.
I believe you and am so proud of you ♡ love and healing to you
respect respect respect
The child who isn't embraced by the village, will burn it down to feel its warmth. "Turning our back on others is really abandoning ourselves." I am shaken to the core by this, especially at this time. The members of the BAU did the same thing. They asked why and have been educating themselves since
"The child who isn't embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. "
Very true, and can you blame them? The village is to blame here. So many let this child down.
Everyone walks around with blinders on, very few brave enough to even report what they see. It's sad, years ago, men would physically stop a woman or child from being hurt, they felt obligated to protect the vulnerable Today, there are very few real men left, and society has suffered.
The child who isn't embraced by the village will burn it down to feel it's warmth
@@JohnaFactsDontCare... no truer words!!! Tragic tragic injustices to humanity with cycled abuse and sickness!!!!
Much like how first world countries treat vulnerable populations globally, especially in Third World countries, unless there is a financial interest, which more so governs our military complex. The U.S. is enabling unscrupulous billionaire and narcissists to capitalize on vulnerable life.... We are the bullies and the enablers....
So-called monsters are scapegoats who overflowed and victims who snapped. Brent’s mother invalidated his suffering by calling him a liar. Maybe she should sit in jail in a cell next to her son, for being complicit in the absolute ruination of her own child by her acts of neglect and gaslighting.
Amen
You know, that is some intense truth and a brilliant idea
Someone in another comment mentioned that she was likely too in a position where she was abused by her husband and lived in fear while not being able to leave him; like its mostly in abusive relationships.
She was clearly to a victim. BUT she also contributed heavily by allowing her own son to become a victim to.
And then this victim turns into the next monster and here we are again:
We have victims that are monsters. How do we handle them? Lock them up or put them in therapy?
I find it incredibly hard to decide that.
What's sad about this comment section, is the mother and sister are getting more criticism than the father. We do not know her situation, but it's likely she was abused too.
People like this don't need justification for what they do. That's how they get to the point that they do them -- by justifying that they have a right because they are angry or something happened to them, etc.
"Lady justice is blind but, she sure has a champagne taste" very true
That is the most truest saying I've heard in a long, long time!
@@rodneyperry6942 what does it mean
@Arundhati Ghose:
...As with most everything else. Justice, education, medicine....
Profound TRUTH! Unfortunately, most applicable....still -in these times!!!
One of the best quotes I’ve seen in true crime!
We also need to stop telling our sons and male friends that crying or showing emotion is "weak" or it makes them a "girl." There's nothing wrong with being a girl, and this kind of talk reinforces the idea that men have to be tough and dominant.
I don't disagree entirely, but we need to teach men to have a thick skin and don't be a cry baby. Even now in schools being offended is worse than being physically hurt.
" There's nothing wrong with being a girl. "
I don't think anyone has ever told a child "You need to be tough and dominant."
People don't get taught to be tough, they become tough when they overcome emotional pain.
People don't get taught to be dominant, they become dominant for fear of being left out and ignored.
The decisions people make are influenced by the experiences they have had.
I think BOY and MAN need to stop telling this to each other. I honestly can not point out ANY female I KNEW in my ENTIRE life that would tell a lil boy not to cry... only man do this to man.
Exactly
My husband was horrifically abused as a young child in every way imaginable. he is now a successful husband and father of two boys 💙with a successful career. he beat the odds. he us remarkable
:) happy for you guys!!
I know really bad people who have had perfect childhoods
That's wonderful, I wish you and your family the best :)
wonderful!
every time there is this overcoming, I believe it lifts us all.
I am so proud of your husband. ❤️ And, thank you for not using your experience to invalidate others’. I’ve seen quite a few people say things like, “I/my ____ experienced abuse and turned out fine.” I’m sure their intent is good, but that argument isn’t helpful. Take care of yourself and your family!
I heard something once that really stuck with me about child abuse. They said, 'you know that saying of that it takes a village to raise a child? Well it also takes a village to abuse one'. This statement really hit home for me, as I am sure it would for any person who had to endure child abuse.
what is sad about this story is that neither the mother nor sister helped this child
That's what's been bothering me as well. The sister may have been too young, but the mother ? The boy started beating his mother when he was 10.
His mother knew he was being harmed and even when questioned by this reporter, all these years later, she chose to still hide it away and make the boy out to be a liar.
It's very uncommon for people to break abusive cycles. It's all they know and they think they're protecting themselves. It takes a big sense of self worth and motivation but those things are hard to generate for yourself in an abusive home. :/
Retaliation for her turning a blind eye to the abuse he was suffering!
Easier than facing the truth for her I think!!!
What gets me is the indifference from his teachers. He went to school stinking of urine and had visible bruises. If that doesn't scream severe problems at home I don't know what would.....they should have called the appropriate authorities.
yes, this is treating the person as rejected, neglected... .
Honey... it was Arkansas.
Sometimes a child being abused will not tell you the truth about what they’re enduring because of the fear of reprisals. I talked to a child I KNEW had been abused but he would not admit it. Years later, he said it was because of fear that his abuser would not be in jail long enough.
"My biggest fear is that I will die without ever having done anything good."
start today with a small kind act.
There is no such thing as "good" or "bad". Your biggest fear should be to die without ever fulfilling your dreams. Always chase after your dreams, no matter what they are, even if it means scattering other peoples dreams. Good and bad are just a matter of perspective. The only "good" you can do is following your own WILL.
@@dieminervaeule for some people, being compassionate and doing good are their dreams lol.
Me too.
*@ shitkickerTV*
▪︎▪︎▪︎
Anyone who thinks like you do *WILL* do something *wonderful* within your lifetime. I just know it. 💕
His past explains why he did what he did but does not excuse him
implicitly alli She said that XD
Or it's in the DNA since this was happening over generations
she already said that
GM Kar Nature vs Nuture. Both did it
The point is that it means he is human, no better or worse than anyone else. And offers a way from which he can be rehabilitated, and the real problems be fixed so it doesn't happen again. Unfortunately American society doesn't care about fixing the roots of the problem, just eliminating the creations of the problem. It'll happen again and again unless people continue to learn about the reasons and fix the reasons. It's not fair to the victims, and its not fair to the guilty if we don't do the work as a society.
I was abused physically and verbally as a child. I didn't know how to be nondestructive with my anger back then. When a boy friend would start to get serious, I told them that they had to promise to protect the children from me. Each one refused to promise, so I never married and never got pregnant. Prevention has worked. But I've been alone for 70 years.
Now there are groups for people like me, who want to learn how to NOT abuse. If you're like me, join them. Don't stay alone.
@ Edythe McKee I am sorry that you felt you needed to make that choice.
Prevention is much easier to live with than regrets.
You are a self-less and amazing human being. Thank you for sacrificing that which many parents should have who.... always knew better BUT still had kids who have suffered the ultimate price. I can whole heartedly say...my mother had no business EVER being anyone's parent or guardian.
Edythe McKee Understanding and trying to understand what your abuser(s) may have felt, experienced, or been driven by does NOT make YOU a monster. You are not a monster. You are an empathetic human. Empathy is what keeps us from becoming monstrous.
You're strong and wise.
"You've done monstrous things
But I don't consider you a monster"
Takes courage to say that
Agreed! Courage and emotional maturity
The worst monsters I met in my experience as a survivor were the people who turned a blind eye even though they knew. Either because they enjoyed other people being tormented and didn't dare to do it themselves or they thought they could become a victim by stepping up. And not understanding by not stepping up they already are victimized because the trust into them and into their community is gone. For them and for the victims, too.
Why aren't the people who were responsible for keeping Brence safe from his abusive father held responsible for not holding the abuser accountable? If Brence was once removed from the home, that means authorities were informed of the abuse. You say"for some reason Brence and his brother were returned to their home". That's a HUGE missing link in the story. If they had held the abusive father accountable the first time, he wouldn't have been able to abuse his other children. I don't think we the public are holding authority figures responsible for reckless choices like these. I've heard far too many stories of particularly judges who dismiss cases against abusive parents, allowing them to go right back home to abuse their family! Or child protective services leaving the kid in a home THEY KNOW IS ABUSIVE! These authority figures and/or the laws need to be brought to task. Brence's situation could have been totally prevented if the authorities would have taken some actual authority.
Because the country doesn't have money to do so, putting people in jail cost money, and abused kid's life is worthless. Forster home is costly for government, and people don't care about it and don't have the 'authority', and want tax cut. that's why it's merry-go-around.
Nina Lescher Sounds like his mother abused him too
Avnirvana Bonovika I think the abuse he suffered from his mother - might re than physical abuse - was not being believed, or protected from the abuse. That would have cut deep on a young soul.
Oliver Von arx I agree. There is great wealth unevenly distributed around the world now. The money needed to support programs exists, but govt is slow to see beyond their own corruption and greed. It’s going to take a sea change in leadership and public service to actually meet the needs of people properly.
Christine: Government will never properly meet the needs of the people. I have been a forensic psychologist in "the system" for 20 years now & it's the system that creates the problems.
The bigger a system gets, the more it tries to do, the more money it gets, the more layers of authority it gets, the more rules it gets, the more inefficient it gets & the more opportunity it gets for corruption.
The thing is, most of it isn't people intentionally doing the wrong thing, it's the inherent nature of a large institution gets progressively less efficient the larger it gets.
Of course, you have the occasional individual that sees a personnel benefit in breaking the rules & the bigger & more complex a system gets, the more opportunities there are for individuals to cheat but that's actually still relatively rare. It's mostly well meaning individuals bending the rules in an attempt to make their little corner of the system run better. Enough people do that & the system slows down because it isn't functioning as intended. This results in the system becoming inefficient & corrupted.
Look at charitable organizations. The larger they get, the lower the % of their budget ends up getting to the actual cause they support.
It's not a matter of putting the right people in charge, that's just the nature of any large bureaucracy.
Don't get me wrong, I love working & we do help lots of people but the system that does that is grossly inefficient. That creates kind of a practical limit to how many we can help. It ends up costing taxpayers twice as much to help 10% more people. I wish that wasn't the case but, unfortunately, that's the reality of the situation.
If you study any socialist government, that's half their problem. They try to do to much for to many & end up drowning in bureaucratic inefficiency. Combine that with low individual productivity & they end up sinking.
In the US, Britain, "The West" in general we make people meet their own needs & we do our best to help those that can't meet their own needs.
On the surface it sounds cruel but, in practice, it works better than anything humanity has tried so far. Look at history, we are the shining example of success. Don't be so quick to think there is some easy way to set up a system that can meet everyone's needs for them. Good Day ! Ms. Shannon
“We are all connected. Turning our backs on others is really just abandoning ourselves” 💞
Consent is the most vital thing that we should be teaching our children at home and at school. I am proud to say that I incorporate this in my after-school programs. I stress the importance of "keeping your hands to yourself" and to understand the concept of "no". Children naturally have a tendency to have physical contact with each other and are not aware of the fact that some people do not liked to be touched. Also that personal space can play a factor in respecting your friends. I want every child to feel comfortable saying and understanding the importance of asking whether it is okay to hug someone or give any physical contact. I also want the kids to feel comfortable saying no and to report to me if someone refuses to stop an action. Being consistent and stressing this concept is difficult, but it is such an important thing for a child to grasp. It may not be effective in every child as they age and people make choices, but I can not help but try to educate them in this. I encourage everyone do the same.
Thank you for doing the right thing and teaching these kids boundaries 💜
"Turning our backs on others is really abandoning ourselves."
I don't know if I should be expressing this on youtube but I made myself watch all of this. I have done alot of regrettable things but one thing I did do right was intervene and got two special little boys out of a similar situation . I did have my life threatened it was so scary but I know I did the right thing. Thankyou Amy for this talk.
Donna Bowen We've all done some fucked up shit but if you learn from yours mistakes then you're still a good person
The Bee Master thankyou so much
Donna Bowen you're welcome
Donna Bowen
Thank you for sharing your story. There is something to abused becoming abusers. Everyone needs to keep in mind that the cycle stops here. We can be better than we were raised. My mother was an angry alcoholic and living with her was often frightening as she was very verbally abusive. I have a son and I have been a far better mother to him. The cycle stops here.
I want it to stop here but I worry that it won't. That I won't be strong enough if I have children of my own.
IT POPS UP AGAIN
Amen. I Lived thar same life. That's why there is no liquor allowed in my house.
It can be hard to recognize and come to terms with the knowledge that you may not be cut out for parenting because of the effects of past trauma. The decision not to become a parent is another perfectly valid way of stopping the cycle. The Earth is already overpopulated. There are so many ways to connect with people, even with children, without having 24/7 care of them, which is quite emotionally and psychologically demanding. It doesn’t make you less of a person if you decide not to become a mom or dad. That’s a perfectly valid choice, especially when you consider how fragile some young children are.and how little trauma can result in lifetime suffering for some. Thank you to this brave woman who told such a compelling story and to all the courageous people living with the memory of trauma who get out of bed every day, and live good lives and don’t retaliate against others for the wrong that was done to them. “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind’ Just to live in peace is breaking the cycle.
She said she was a better mother than her own. Not a better mother than all others or even that she was a good parent. She is not an angry alcoholic, verbally abusing her son. I think that qualifies as better than her own mother right there ...
She’s so right. Our society is really sick right now and we all need to pitch in to correct it.
exactly & SO MANY ppl are so keen to make themselves feel like they are morally good that they so violently deride the 'monsters' but it actually means more ppl suffer
All the people I knew as a child were monsters. They had no compassion for me, even though I had turned severely anti social. That mother and grandparents and brother and teachers, they all ignored my pain. They were sarcastic, bitter, violent and distant. They were the monsters, not me.
Pure Energy some social circles are wicked and mean .. believe you'll be out of this and that you'll find others
You can break the cycle and distant yourself from those harmful individuals, seek all the help you need and never look back!
Emotional abuse is destructive to children who are forming their sense of themselves in the world and it's unfortunate that this isn't taken seriously as abuse. The child victim is at risk of becoming a socio-path within society, affecting others, feeling nothing for anyone, or becoming intensely tuned in to the pain or perceived emotional pain of others where it becomes debilitating and they internalize it themselves which are two extreme ends on the spectrum...I believe an emotionally abused child experiences one compassionate, kind person...could be a stranger in a grocery store...that the victim holds onto that that they inch further from the sociopath side. A lot of people in the educational system are cold, unfortunately, yet that is the one place a child needs help from their family life. And you are right, you were not a monster because you felt insecure...you felt insecure because you had monsters influencing your sense of self, unable to guide you.
Just be aware, the speaker in this video is saying that it's the actions that are monstrous. Those we at first see as monsters, when we look at them and their lives closely, we discover their victimhood, how others treated them monstrously as well.
Inside they see themselves as victims, or victims AND monsters as well. The victimhood can allow them to not take responsibility for monstrous actions. Thinking of themselves as monsters doesn't necessarily prevent them from acting monstrously.
Don't let your victimhood allow you to avoid responsibility for your actions.
Not saying that you do, at all, just that it's a risk.
i'm sorry. 😥😭😭😮so many people are hurting. you are not alone. 💔🙏
I am appalled when I think about times in my life when I was abused and adults in my life where relieved to believe the most flimsiest excuses and not say anything, because reporting is uncomfortable. How different my life might have been if they did. Now as a teacher and nurse I know the laws and obligations of the vocation when abuse is suspected. It is still frustrating. People often don't report because they are not sure about the abuse. I remind people that to decide if the abuse charge is warranted is not their job, their job is only to report, and let the professionals look into it. Please, if you ever suspect, report. Figure out how to do it, there are enough resources that you can figure out the channels to report.
Adrian Clementine I think a big problem is not lack of speaking up, it is lack of follow through and action. Don't know how to solve that though.
Adrian Clementine - once I spoke up to my mom and literally read the definition of verbal and emotional abuse out of a college textbook. Our family filled every bullet point. Not a single criteria was left unchecked. She laughed. She told me to “Get off your high horse! You’re not so special! I went through much worse things as a kid! You’re spoiled! Ungrateful brat!”
A few days later she tried to love bomb me (a period when the abuser will try to “make up” with a victim by showering them with empty compliments or gifts), and started joking about what I said during the fight. “You think our family is dysfunctional? All families are dysfunctional.”
@@mousetrap773 I wish you the best and I hope that your relationships will be healthier and happier. You all deserve a meaningful life. You were brave to speak up.
I'm so sorry Adrian for what you had to suffer through.....no I am not your mother but I can say I am proud of you that you went on to do great things with your life....blessings!!!
@@mousetrap773 You have so much courage and resilency to confront your abuser and then deal with the invalidation from a defensive mother. Keep hope close and proceed with self love.
This is one of the best speeches I ever saw on TED...This woman is extraordinary...
Another ted talk that should be mandatory to watch in school
“Turning our backs on others, is really abandoning ourselves.” Dang, so powerful.
My gosh, this makes me feel so many regrets. I babysat these children, and their mother would verbally abuse them in front of me sometimes before she left the house, and the kids seemed to not be used to punishment that wasn’t extreme. I wish I’d said something, but I lived in a close community that would certainly have known if I did, and it would have ruined theirs and my whole family’s reputation, and I was young and scared. The family has moved away, and I don’t know what happened. Even if it didn’t end up being quote on quote abuse, I wish I’d reported it.
Alex Larson do something now to help abused children; you could donate money to a valid charity, become a big brother/big sister, etc. There is still time to help others.
Alex Larson Thank you for being so honest about a weak part of your life....To speak up is often to ruin your own life... it is one of the saddest realities of being a human.
We need help giving help and we all know how underfunded Child Protective Services is.
It does depend what you call verbally abused if it just yelling at them and telling them off that is normal and kids need discipline
@@LiamEgan17 Yelling is not normal. Yelling means you have lost control of your emotions. Yelling should never be "Normal". It's damaging. It's a step on a road to abuse. Abuse does not just occur randomly, it is something that is built to. As each tiny, small, insignificant wrong is allowed and the next bigger wrong is allowed, the road is built.
Yes, every parent yells sometimes. But this is not normal. It's not healthy. It's just frustration or fear, and we can find better ways to communicate that. We can find better ways to deal with that. Our children deserve that.
@@LiamEgan17 I also didn't realise that yelling is a problem because it was so normal in my family...and I was minimising the effect it had on me. This kind of abuse might even be more destructive than physical abuse. If i get hit i know it's wrong. But verbal abuse leaves children confused and living in denial- i thought i didn't have it so bad but every morning i would regret I woke up. Check out "Reclaiming your life" by Jean J. Jenson; "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker
People should stop saying "teach men not to rape" it's stupid. But other people seem to miss the point that that's not what she meant. She said it literally like that, but she explained further that we need to teach *everyone* that the fear, anger, vulnerability, etc. they feel, should never result in assault or rape. They need to be thaught how to deal with these emotions and be thaught that it's perfectly okay to speak up. Imagine being raped as a child, you're already angry and confused and scared. And in class the teacher bashes on guys how they need to stop raping and that it's not good. You might think that they would think well if it's not good then they should report what's happening to them. But no they know already that it's wrong. They're afraid to speak up. Hearing someone else say how bad it is and that they should never do it, might make them even more angry because altough they know it's bad it is *still* happening to them. And imagine the girls from their class laughing at them (the boys), mocking them, saying they shouldn't rape and how bad it is. Simply telling kids how bad something is, won't stop them from doing it. If rape/abuse is the only way they know how to release their anger, because no one told them how to deal with it otherwise, it will keep happening.
awesomenathan100 you are right.
awesome, well said.
One one hand, for the speaker to say something like that literally while meaning something else is fear-mongering at it worst, willfull ignorance at best.
People do not learn emotional lessons by being told, they learn emotional lessons by experiencing them. You correctly already said that hearing someone say something doesn't help. Many theories of social behaviour clearly show that if you demonstrate weakness and vulnerability people will tend to prey on it and if you demonstrate strength, people will admire and respect you. This is largely hard-wired in our system and not easy to overcome.
@Oliver Von arx, he didn't speak he wrote; he is a good writer.
To parents: love and respect your children.
Wow... Wow! I never thought I'd sympathize a "monster". Deep down, there's always a personal trauma that drives them.
Amy Herdy, thank you for this wonderful story!
Absolutely. I had a brother who was a monster, and a husband almost as bad as him. Both of them went through severe abuse growing up.
This is why I want to get into psychology
Jessica SmokeyMcPot it will be tough career but helping even that one person heal is a wonderful feeling. What is also needed are better laws and improved protective services
SAME!
You'll enjoy it. Such a fascinating field, especially child developmental psychology, trauma psychology and forensic psychology.
oh my! how witty! YOU are spamming and stalking ME, while whining "yer uh trole..". *sigh* predictable is leftism. Leftism is a lie built upon lies. Leftism is a mental disorder. Leftism is a death cult.
Jessica SmokeyMcPot me too!
I tried to help some severely abused kids I knew. I had cps on speed dial....they NEVER intervened. All my concern was for nothing.
beth shadowen we have a really broken system
It would be great if there was always someone to call for all of life's injustices. But real heroes are not superhuman, merely people who can no longer idly stand by as no one does anything. Sometimes even in the face of certain destruction.
Please dont stop trying. I tried for 10+ years to help a friend get his son. It took way to many calls to dfs, cps, the police and so on but today this kid is with his dad. He is well loved and his dad and loved ones are helping him get the help he needs and wants. It doesn't always work when you call or try to help and it can feel endless but could you live with your choice to give up on a child just because the system already has.?
Actually, at least those kids might know someone tried to help. That can mean more than you know. Even if it never worked, just the fact that you cared enough to try to help is valuable by itself, a model of active empathy. Thank you.
Not for nothing. Those kids know that you were trying to help.
"he makes up all kinds of lies" smh poor boy
What if we dared to care! Great compassionate, honest, and powerful.
My dads hired hand started abusing me. My dad noticed the change in my demeanour, and cornered me about the cause. I told him what was going on and he fired the guy, Robbie Campbell, the next day. Because of my dad, no lasting issues. I have handguns and rifles, and have never once thought of using them inappropriately. Good job dad!
Good for him! I had a similar situation. We started going to a new church. One weekend, my daughter came out of her Sunday School class crying. The teacher said she was upset because she tried to open the door and they told her no. OK, fine. My daughter is pretty sensitive to knowing she did something wrong.
The next weekend she left crying again. We never went back. A year later, we found out a man involved in the youth groups had been charged with at least 4 recent cases of molestation, and they were gathering evidence from over 30 years of attendees. The church had apparently been telling parents it was wrong to press charges against someone, so they were fully aware for decades and did nothing about it.
So glad we left! My daughter swears nothing happened, but we constantly talk about how if someone does something uncomfortable and says "don't tell mom" that she is supposed to tell me immediately and we will handle it. I have too many friends who were stuck in a bad situation and their parents flopped. Not my girls.
Your father should have had him arrested and pressed the charges. Those who want to "protect" their child by not pressing charges are making it possible for that monster to abuse others.
Exactly the kind of talk society needs to hear. Our society is creating many monsters and there is no effort to remedy this problem. Thank you so much Amy Herdy. I wrote a Senator of mine once and suggested that it would be great if when a student got out of school after 12+ years of instruction that each student and their family learned how to be emotionally functional with accurate thinking, plus all abuse had been discovered, stopped and treated. My Senator's office wrote me that they heard me.
"If you help an abused child, you help to prevent a lifetime of pain for more than one person."
Good luck with that. When some of us have asked for help we have been accused of lying then put back into the hands of the abusers and then suffered again for trying to seek help. Sometimes people just don't want to get involved. Yet they will be the first to claim someone as monster when they turned their back on them in the first place. CATCH-22.
Well this made me cry.
Everything but the forgiveness resonates with me. Forgiveness is not a thing I need to heal, though I see how it can help others.
Something I try to tell people regularly is that forgiveness is something you do for yourself just as much, if not more so, than for the person you're forgiving. It's a way to shed your hurt, your anger, your regret. It's unbelievably healing. xx
that's really noble. the fact that you dont feel able or willing to forgive BUT that you dont say that forgiveness shouldnt be possible for them i really admire that.
Shows that everything is a cycle, treat how you would want to be treated. Be kind, and the world would be a better place
"treat how you would want to be treated" The variations of that reverberate throughout the ages- we've always known how to act, yet we fail with every single generation.
To all who need this message, I believe you are 100% worthy of unconditional love. I'm sending over warm hugs and good vibes. Please seek help to heal your inner child. I met my 7 year old self a few years back and while it was awkward at first, I'm so in love with her because of all the trauma, pain and suffering she's endured! Blessings!
We need to hold enforcement and child protection services accountable, they should be jailed just like his mother for failing to provide the necessitates of life. My sons were abused by their father and the police and child services wouldn't help them, during custody trial a letter with 2 workers signatures showed how mu son told them what their father was doing, I also got a call from 1 saying "your son disclosed to me but I asked in a leading manner so it can't be used in court" my sons call him the monster and we need to realize there are MANY who walk right past us everyday because of racism,bias and plain negligence.
BRAVO Shawna!! You are 100% correct.
I have experience with this. A lot of the time it's the legal red-tape and criteria for intervening preventing them from action and not the cps personal desires or lack-there-of.
Laura Hedlund Exactly! A lot of people think it’s the case worker who makes the decision, but it’s not. It’s the judge.
Finally, someone said it! She brushed over that she doesn't know why this child was returned to his parents. I would have researched who decided that in social services and court system. A social worker? Nobody is accountable in these agencies. Today, we see it everywhere now.
That’s one of the most interesting, clearly spoken, compassionate stories I’ve ever heard.
The cycle needs to end. People need to listen to children and notice the signs. Teach your children (whether they be male or female) to show respect, compassion, humbleness, and teach them how to defend themselves and others. This is the first step to social equality. Next step is government authority that needs to be rectified.
I married a "monster." A very scary man. He was raised in an abusive household. He held a gun to my head and threatened my life. I loved him. He is the father of my children. He frightens me and I fear him to this day. I know more about him and what he's capable of than anyone else. Yet he didn't start out that way. I believed in him, even as I saw what he was becoming. I begged him. "Please get help. You're so angry." I'm afraid of what could happen if he doesn't get that help that he so desperately needs. It's terrible to watch someone you love fall apart before yours eyes. If he goes out into the world and hurts someone I'll never forgive myself. I have chosen to go back to school to help people in pain. I have overcome addiction and abuse. I couldn't help my husband do the same, but maybe I can forgive myself by helping others.
"Anybody is a killer all you gotta do is push then to the lims [limits]" -J Cole
I live my life by this
And then there are the monsters who weren't abused as children, who were given everything they wanted, and who take joy in hurting others. Who use positions of absolute authority to experiment on children. I've known more than you might believe exist, and they did their best to destroy me from childhood on.
Amazingly, I've never had the slightest desire to hurt anyone the way they hurt me.
They have never had empathy or they wouldn't do what they have been/are doing!!!
There's a difference between narcissists, sociopath and psychopath.
Obviously not everything they needed. Love? Compassion? Attention? Affection?Neglect is just as powerful a motivator as abuse.
i, an adult woman, may forgive my rapist but if you touch my CHILD, I will come for you. I will not rest until they go to hell
You are someone's child, so wouldn't your mother be as fiercely protective of you? I think you deserve that.
I'm so happy when other people see through the monsters too. This is how we pave a better future. Through real understanding.
Dogs can sense predators. I’m not sure if it’s something in the way they move or the way they smell, but dogs know it. So do we, we just often let our conscious minds override that base instinct.
We are taught to ignore our instincts as we grow up!
They say dogs are more sensitive to energy. Most of us probably are as children, but we try to tune it out as we grow up because it's not "logical" (at least not until we can explain it the acceptable way).
Zeus I have good evidence that this is fundamentally true.
Pheromones I think...
When my eldest sister was in high school, we discovered that our dog was unerringly right about the boys that came by to take her out. As the rest of us grew up, we trusted the dog's assessment ( and when we didn't, lived to regret it. She was never, ever wrong!) I made a point to introduce all prospective dates to the dog, and backed out of any social engagements with anyone that she didn't like. Wish she were here now. Wish that the court could use animal perception.
Wow....Powerful, brave, compelling. I salute your courage and ability to take on board all the many facets of this situation. Most of us block the reality and complexities you express here. It can be too painful. But you are right. The high price everyone pays when we do not consider causes, prevention,
means that cycles continue. THANK YOU for sharing these stories.
Why do you keep up voting your own comments? You've been nothing but juvenile, ironically telling others to grow up after posting your inane comments. Take your own advice.
i imagine because he likes his own thoughts. what is odd about that? far weirder to not like your own comments.
Thank soooo much for this.
Opening insight.
I get criticised by others for saying “ I don’t hate my ex, I hate his actions”. Made it a bit clearer why I feel this way.
💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
“ I don’t hate my ex, I hate his actions”. - profound wisdom which I hope has helped you avoid shady partners and recover.
Monsters are MADE 😖 Thank you for your talk 👏 HEALING NEEDS TO COME TO THESE CHILDREN 💕 Let's END GENERATIONAL SICKNESS OF ABUSE AGAINST CHILDREN 💞 TIME TO WAKE UP AND SAY SOMETHING 💖
EXACTLY!!!!!!!
I know bad people who have not been abused and many abused people who are loving and kind. I think there's a danger in suggesting abuse leads to bad people as they have enough to deal with. But important points raised that you can raise a child in a toxic environment.
"What if we prized compassion more than power?"
Never happen. Compassion makes you vulnerable, and most humans are terrified of vulnerability.
Sigh...would be nice though.
"What are we doing wrong as a culture to produce rapists?" I've been finding answers for that for years now, and it is so frustrating, it makes me sick.
There are so many examples, why our society causes this, and while all the people that could make a change just don't do it, the lives of so many continue to get destroyed.
Please everyone: Stand up. Be kind to all beeings around you. We all can make a change.
You forget that you are an animal and society does not actually exist except as a concept in your thoughts .
Understand the animal and understand everything you see.
Our DNA: The raw material.
Our experiences: The machinery that material is fed through.
Every facet of our being: The product of that process.
Even before I listened to Sam Harris explain how we can ~know~ that "free will" is an illusion, I had already realized it.
Our "Justice" system's response to extremely harmful people ... is itself ... ironically extremely harmful.
We sacrifice much of our humanity, in not striving towards far better ways of responding to dangerous (and otherwise broken) people.
There are better ways; but between OUR hate, rage, lust for vengeance, entitled rationalizations, and how easy it is to treat people as disposable, ... most of us wouldn't even attempt to truly fix the system,
even if we had been given the power to do so.
We are part of ~why~ those things happen so often; even to the people we love.
We are neither who nor what
we think we are.
Some wise words right there.
Excellent speech. We need to be aware and alert. Speak up and help.
Forgiveness and love are the keys to many issues
It is a cruel world. How did it get this way? I am so grateful to be brought up in my family. They didn't show a lot of emotion but I was well protected in family of 5 brothers and hardworking parents.
When the pattern appears to form, you need to be strong enough to break the pattern. It’s easier said than done, but that’s the matter of fact truth!
She was riveting.
Rebecca Duboise She is a journalist! She knows how to write a story to make things interesting and "juicy", I suppose. A great skill. And an amazing woman. Really humanises the " media " which I often imagine to be some terrifying collective state apparatchik out to catch me out saying something wrong or politically incorrect. Wait! Maybe it was the influence of the totalitarian state of communism that made me feel this way!
I took a course in Sociology at age 18 in 1979. The topic I chose was "Violence on tv: Does it cause violent behaviors?" No video games or net, just a survey with the control & random groups. I concluded it did not based on the small segment. I think we were scared of being drafted they'd opened the draft for women but closed it shortly thereafter. I wondered about returning vets (that made it back 😏). The stimuli today along with generational abuse and other factors makes me wonder if there are more monsters than non-monsters in 2019. We've come so far yet... it seems regressed as well. Thank you for a great inspirational Ted Talk! ❤💗💝
I am so glad she reached out to him lovingly, we need so much more of that.
The first 5 years of your life are the most important. Your mind is still developing. You're learning behavioural cues from your parents. Your brain is developing faster and faster; trauma from this age can determine who you become. Your brain is still wiring itself, and is heavily affected by external influences.
The chances that this will turn someone into a "monster" is slim, but there is NO recorded offender on this level, that did not experience abuse as a child. It's a determining factor, just not the only one.
everything about this is tragic, including the name "Brent Brents'
"Brence"
@@prettyprettypumpkin8450 "Brents"
Lack of self love in families causes violence and can go on for generations.
Trust me, people noticed. The good ones turned away, not willing to get involved. The bad people saw Brent and he became further victimized.
Telling a teacher, trusted family friend or relative was a huge mistake on my part! These people I had told became future predators in my path.
This is such a powerful talk. It is something that I always thought about. Why do we keep allowing tragedies to happen instead of working together the prevent tragedies from happening. Don't neglect anyone and show them love and support when you notice someone feeling down. We can all do this together. And the world would be a much better, harmonious and safe place to live. This talk really hit me hard... I just burst into tears. Also please don't neglect the people you love. Show more love and care and spend time with them. I know they would really love that. Enjoy life, strangers all over the world.
Jacinda, it's because people are told to 'toughen up' and not complain or be weak. Bad experiences are supposed to make you stronger...or so people believe. People allow tragedy to build character and make people stronger. Horrible misconception.
because we dont want to take ownership...
This approach of recognising the causes and background will work in some cases, but not all rapists are damaged abused victims who are acting out the abuse that happened to them. A number of rapists were born with an antisocial/psychopathy personality disorder. It´s a form of brain damage. They are incapable of feeling remorse or empathy and are impossible to rehabilitate. They will always get off on wielding absolute power over another living creature, animal or human, because they operate on different rules than the rest of society. They can tell right from wrong, but they just want to manipulate our weakness and use it to their advantage. So yes, monsters do exist.
We all are born wild animals (antisocial/psychopath). Most of us, are taught to act humanly, by our families. I can remember pulling a cat's tail and poking a caged bird, before I learned empathy. Some children, are never taught that pain/abuse is wrong; instead, that they, themselves, must endure and conceal it, with no notion of recourse (this is where the brain gets wired badly).
I lived with a psychopath, for four years. The testimonial was laid out before me. A wake of destruction was always left, in that person's trail.
You can't be "born a psychopath." You have to be created one through the actions of others, i.e., first caregivers. Dahmers mom had a phobia of germs and never touched her son unless she was changing his diaper. Do you see?
JB this is not true, science demonstrated that there is a biological background for psychopathy that can be enhanced by environment or not
@@NoName-pu5ls Indeed that's what I found out as well when I got interested in the difference between psychopaths and sociopaths.
So that is what I’m saying. You can have a predisposition to being a “psychopath” (social emotional delays) but there has to be an environmental reason for it to be expressed. A child who is taught how to care for others and loved in a healthy way is not going to acquire Anti Social Personality Disorder. That doesn’t make sense. Brain damage, on the other hand, as in the movie Concussion can cause psychotic behaviour.
It's horrible what he went through, but a broken mind doesn't justify damaging actions. He will pay for his actions.
The perfect example of this is “Aaron Stark”. He was almost a school shooter, but one person.. one single person. Made him change his decision.. listen to his TED talk is “I was almost a school shooter” is really touching!!!
Like Sam Harris talks about, we don't control the way we're made, it's no excuse for anything, but it helps people reach across the aisle more easily.
Very profound speech, one of the best I've heard. I can relate in different ways to this story. It makes me think too of the mad man of Gadarenes in Luke in the Bible, he was a monster to the locals, in chains, a man full of devils, who knows his past? He was so miserable and alone, who knows, maybe he was abused, maybe he had done horrific things, he was loved by none. But when he saw hope, in that he saw Jesus one day, something in him saw something in Jesus, maybe the only one EVER to give him love, he cried out for help and was healed. The locals were amazed at this new person he became, and he became a story of hope to all others like him. Hope is real, we have to just reach out and care, really care.
I met many monsters: Thys drowned my child's dogs, Frans abused my son physically and emotionally, Pieter abused my son emotionally, Ettienne abused my son emotionally, Jerry, Karina. I know many more monsters. Some are teachers. No compassion.
Child abuse is often seen but not acted on. Kind of like how, in a school setting, people focus on helping the bully's victim and punishing the bully. While the bully is probably bullied/mistreated by someone else, bringing out this behavior.
Thank You for this, makes me want to cry for all of the victims..and who knows how far that goes back? Awareness is the first step, compassion the next
Thank you Thank you Thank you for this talk. So on point and so precious. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you so much Ms Herdy doing this challenging, I'm sure at times heartbreaking, work too bring forth and shedding the light of compassion into those incredibly terrible, sad situations.
It gives me so much faith that this talk was given 4 years ago, and there is in fact a public discussion being shifted towards compassion and baby steps being taken in society about these issues
This relationship between her and Brent is so “Silence of the Lambs”
Thank you! I send Brent the warmest hug, holding him, giving him love he never experienced. Special hugs to all
Thank you, Amy Herdy... 💔💔🤕🤕🤕🤕😭😭😭😭
"I told everyone (about the abuse).. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on them. Show abuse the light of day. Recast survivors as wonderful, loveable people with full futures." Thank you, Leslie Morgan Steiner... ❤❤
What a great speech, Thank you so much.
(Former state investigator here)...psychopaths, whether born or bred, cannot be helped. Once they start exhibiting symptoms in childhood, it is a downward spiral into abuse toward freinds and family and finally serious violence.
Harlow Blackadder Absolutely!
Please learn about the difference between psychopaths and sociopaths. A psychopath won't necessarily hurt or kill anybody throughout his life. They have a lack of empathy but many can live normal lives with this disorder. A sociopath can't seem to fit into society as a whole or social groups of any kind. Yes, they also don't feel empathy, but they also ignore social norms, laws and duties intentionally. Please don't confuse those two.
This TED talk hit me really hard, especially as someone who was physically and emotionally abused up through college myself. Even after my abuse stopped, I had anger management issues myself for a long while until I had a wake-up call where I realized I was mimicking my abuser, which both frightened and disgusted me. Of course, I could never imagine doing anything Brent did, and Brent's childhood abuse in no way excuses the horrific ways he hurt his victims. But I do have an incredible amount of pity for what he went through as a child because nobody deserves to be abused. The way his mother refused to talk about Brent's childhood is also something that's depressingly familiar to me.
Daring to care is essential. "Turning our backs on others means abandoning ourselves." That line really resonated with me. Excellent and captivating talk. Thanks for sharing.
I think it’s really uncool to track down a victim for a newspaper story.
If she wanted to talk she would have reached out.
That would traumatise me anyway.
Bianca Bloom Its her job.
Poloroid Picturre that doesn’t make it ok.
Nazis had jobs in concentration camps.
Did that make it ok?
And don’t spout off at me for using that analogy, of course I’m not saying the two things are anywhere close to each other but I am pointing out the flaw in your argument.
Bianca Bloom I never said it was ok, I literally just said that that is her job, and she clearly, when she was telling the story, made a face like "wtf" when her higher up told her to find the victim. You cant blame her for doing her job, but you can blame Nazi's for the wrong doing they did.
Bianca you're absolutely right. With rare exceptions journalists are only interested in getting the story and don't care who they harm.
If you finished the video, she said she would never do that again
You can see it on people. You can see a wounded person if you've been wounded. But you cant tell if it broke them(made them a psychopath/abuser) or if it made them extrasensitive to the pain of others(empathetic).
It can be both.
A psychopath is someone who's born that way (yes that exists). Sociopaths are those who become that way through trauma.
OK, this is the most powerful TED talk I've ever seen. I'll post it on my FB feed so that my friends can see it. Very inspirational!
It's so important to get people help when they tell you something is happening to them. I couldn't ignore that kind of information, especially knowing how much courage it takes to confide in someone about something you are so ashamed of. If you're struggling, please reach out to a friend or even a highline number. If you have the urge to hurt someone like that, call a therapist, you can be helped. Don't perpetuate the cycle.
When is TED gonna talk
best comment
Thanks for making my day. TED has been preparing his speech for a long time. Perhaps he suffers from social phobia and fear of public speaking, or he's still driving round the parking lot trying to find a space while other speakers don't recognise him and keep taking the empty spots?