America's forced marriage problem | Fraidy Reiss | TEDxFoggyBottom
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- Опубликовано: 21 май 2018
- Forced and child marriage seem like problems that don't exist in America, but in reality marriage under the age of 18 is legal in all 50 states. After escaping her own forced marriage, activist Fraidy Reiss is working to help women and girls close the legal loopholes around these marriages for good.
Fraidy Reiss is an activist who is recognized internationally as an expert on forced and child marriage in America, drawing inspiration from her own abusive forced marriage. After realizing that most women and girls trying to flee or resist arranged and forced marriages are limited by finances, religious law and social customs, she founded the organization 'Unchained At Last' to help women successfully start new lives. Her writing on the subject has been published in the New York Times, Washington Post and countless other publications in the US and beyond, and she has been interviewed and featured by those outlets as well as Financial Times, BBC, PBS, NPR, CBS and others. Reiss has also assisted in the creation of legislation to end and reduce child marriage which has been introduced and, in some cases, already passed in multiple US states.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
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Insane that someone under 18 can get married but not divorced without permission.
@@gluttonousmachina2961 that's not how the law works
Maria Maoh you said Wikipedia lmao yeah you know nothing about any laws...please shut up
Sadly all the Jewish women have the permission of their husbands to get divorce. Also on very religious families the woman’s chances to get marry are almost impossible cause any religious man wouldn’t marry “second hand” woman (as they say)...
@@NNOutBurger_Gaming Watch the actual video before you get rude... 23 US States don't state any minimum age for marriage. Minute 6:00. Go look.
no online harrassment yup
I hear a lot from people "oh they're adults, they can just leave". How, exactly? Where does one go with no money, no support network, no knowledge of life outside their bubble? It's not so simple. The pressure of family can be so strong, it's hard to defy.
Those people don't realize that the abused person has no ID, no Social Security card, no birth certificate and may not even know where they were born. They never see money, they have no friends, no family to help. Some have never been more than 10 blocks in any direction from where they grew up.
👍👍👍👍👍👍❤❤❤
Also, in some cases they're children so they could be reported as run aways and the police would come looking for them.
@@michellefreeman5700 exactly!
Martin G.
Ignorance at its finest.
When I was 14 I got a marriage proposal when the guys mom saw me at my elder sisters wedding. Thankfully I come from a loving family and they outright rejected the offer, my brothers and my dad were outraged that someone would ask for my hand in marriage while I was so young. When I was 17 I got another marriage proposal that again my parents said no. I never once thought that my parents would force me into a marriage and just thinking about all the girls out there forced into abusive underaged marriage breaks my heart.
Getting married before a child completes their high school education should be illegal. There should be no reason what so ever for a 16 year old to get married.
Renafly: I'm with you 100% on this one. It should be legally classified as child slavery and the perpetrators (even parents) punishable under the law. Religions have no right to contravene the laws of the land. They must conform or pay the price.
@@karenburrows9184 "conform or pay the price"
Sounds like your just trading one religion for another (religion of government is best)
um, she did say get married after 12th grade which is usually about after 18. Just saying.....
@@trevorh6438
Is that something that proves someone wrong? You seem to be arguing "you believe in secular morals, like how a religious person believes religious morals, so you must be wrong".. so you must believe this?: if a person appears religious they must be wrong
X.x
@@curioussoul6059 I'm saying that their logic is inconsistent with itself.
They want the law changed to fit their own religious world view, but refuse to allow any other viewpoint to have the same power. That is just another form of religious abuse. Which they claim to be against, but show themselves to be in favor for- because it is their religiously held world view.
She's lucky to have escaped with her two daughters. I've heard of women who had to make the devastating decision to leave their children.
That's not a decision, that's a heartbreak! :'(
I have seen cases that end with that heart breaking decision in documentaries.
What did she escape from?
My aunt married her 30-year-old husband when she was 16. She genuinely loved him, and he genuinely loved her. They had a good life together. But after he died, she was remarried in just a few months. She was married so young, she had no idea how to be single. She had no idea who she was if she wasn't a wife, and it terrified her. These are all things that she's told me herself. Even if it's not forced in any way, even if the child bride genuinely loves her husband and he her, it's still harmful.
Why is that harmful exactly? If she was happy before, and is happy now, what is the problem?
@@millitron3666 She has no sense of self? She has no identity? Like, seriously?
But she is happy. Would you rather she was alone and unhappy?
Living is harmful. We all have past traumas, weaknesses, and identities that can be threatened.
I have no idea if I am for or against 16 year-olds being married, but I think it's a mistake to cherry-pick one way that it can be harmful and call the thing "bad." Playing outside can lead to deadly injuries, that doesn't mean playing outside is bad.
@@millitron3666 OP didn't exactly say if she was happy in her second marriage, just that she was terrified. And that comes from not establishing your own identity properly. Your whole idea of yourself shouldn't be as a status to another person. IE, just a wife. Or just a mother. We are individuals with individual wants and desires and needs that are solitary, not inclusive.
"Shame is a form of honor violence." That's very interesting and deeply sad.
Just a couple of buzz words strung together to encourage a sensationalist and unthinking emotional response in your brain.
Schools, cliques, Communities, Governments, Media, and Parents all use Shame to elicit certain behaviors in others.
In fact, this Talk itself was dripping with Shame-based baiting, in order to make you think what you do, and reinforce a nebulous moral outrage in order to get you to agree with it and consider doing something about it, without educating yourself properly on the topic first.
She said, “Shunning is a form of honor violence.” Not shame.
andi33079
Please define "Violence."
Trevor H Define the context and parties involved. I may give a satisfactory answer.
Chris Wedemann
The full and real definition of "Violence" already includes those parameters. If you understood the Common Law.
How's this? Context? Any Context. Party? Any Body.
"A dead woman who was finally alive" powerful
I am ex-JW. Very similar. Disowned by JW family and had to rebuild my life. Thankfully I hadn’t married. Glad you found the strength to leave the forced marriage.
At 22 years old I had a job working as a housekeeper when a new girl joined the team. She looked like a 40 year old cancer patient. Wrinkles covered her face,all of her hair had fallen out, her skin looked very unhealthy. She looked too sick to work I felt very sorry for her but in a way I felt impressed by her strength to keep working. Our employer told me the horrible, shocking truth she was not 40 year old woman undergoing chemotherapy she was instead the same age as me 22. She was married off to a 40 year old man when she was 15 and the stress of that marriage was literally killing her and caused her to prematurely aged at a terrifying rate. It was heartbreaking just a year of working for the house keeping company she died leaving five children alone with that "man" that was her husband.
Sad
WOW.
Crazy
God bless that poor woman's soul... This must come to an end one day. It has to
That is terrible.
“People thought: this can’t happen in Florida. The minimum marriage age is 18; what’s the problem? But they didn’t know about the loopholes. Between 2001 and 2015, 16,000 children were married in Florida alone. A 40-year-old man can legally marry a five-year-old girl here.” -The Guardian 2/6/18
Elizabeth Anne Marguerite Bertoni ++ That is so sick.
WOW! Close those loopholes & protest!
Paedophile 😑😑😑😑
This is so sickening to find out and to know that children can be preyed upon in this way. This needs to be an issue that is brought to the forefront. We need to be talking about this. I cant believe we have age of consent laws yet loopholes for age of marriages
Something to note that the politicians REFUSED to close the loophole citing religious needs. These people needs to be voted out now.
The US needs a cultural change, in which we prioritize the rights of people, over the rights of institutions that violate said people. Religious communities and large businesses come to mind. Forced marriage in the Land of the Free is unacceptable.
While I agree with you in your first statement, it would do nothing to change the situation regarding your latter statement.
Your concern over "forced" anything, is strictly a judicial matter, and has no relation to cultural or legislative practices, and so much the less to corporate entities and communities. In fact, a Community is itself a culture- and you can do nothing to change the fact that Community will "pressure" certain practices, by it's very nature; and to say you prioritize the rights of a people, yet seek to eliminate the rights of a community, is a total hypocrisy, for a Community is a group of people exercising their rights as the please, according to a mutual and common thread joining them together.
466chalk
its already the case with separation of church and state. religious doctrine can't over pass the government, and the government can't dictate the church.
if your religion is taking away your rights, leave it.
Cian McCabe I don’t see that, I know we have separation, but as a poly sci major it’s not really observed on a consistent basis. Especially in the south. Judges are biased, and so are our lawmakers. Is a country really secular when it’s an informal requirement to be Christian to hold office? While there are exceptions, our government is mostly Christian and our laws reflect that.
@@CoralRief43 It is completely impossible (and in my opinion wholly undesirable) to completely divorce governance and religion. The way we get around the problem of having too much religious influence on a government is by having a government that by design promotes freedom on every level, especially freedom of religion. There can never be a "perfect" government, but we can have a government that maximizes individual freedom from having others dictate our choices in life, such as religious choices. The US Constitution was founded on this principle, and while that has been very imperfectly accomplished, what we have now certainly is much more complete freedom than any other country in the world.
Doug Lee I think you’re completely right, I just disagree with previous comments that make it seem like our government is totally secular.
My mom pushed very hard for me to marry as early as possible and I will always be grateful to my Dad who encouraged me to go to college and didn't shun me when I got engaged to a man the rest of the family didn't like. PLEASE remember that this is not just a "womens issue". There is a lot that men can do to help when they see these things happening. I'm now happily married and expecting our first child soon, and I'll always be grateful for my Dads support.
Sidenote- her outfit is amazing.
ikr.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that comments this sometimes lol. I watched a video about the hijab earlier and the speaker had the most awesome floofy short I've ever seen. I love this dress though
Her legs are amazing
her outfit reminds me of Lydia from Beetlejuice.
Is it bad that I took the time to find it through Google? If it is, I don't want to be good.
This is messed up. I'm from Canada and thankfully our federal age minimum for marriage is 18, but there's an exception if the parents and the child sign consent and the child is over 16 years old. So while forced marriages can still happen and unfortunately still do to some extent, it is less common than in the US because of the way our laws are setup.
In Italy people can't marry before 18. There's only an option for who's over 16 but the tribunal has to allow this. At that time, if a judge allows it, the 16 years old become an emancipated minor.
Notably, the speaker was married at 19. Minimum ages aren't a cure all when a subculture is sufficiently insular and when the family represents a pillar of one's life.
Actually, in Canada, for marriages involving someone between 16 and before 18 years old, you now need the consent of 1) a judge 2) the child 3) the parent. Legislation was changed a few years ago: the consent of a judge is now absolutely necessary. Nevertheless, there will always be people who will find ways to get around that. They'll take the child to some other country for a ''vacation'' and have the forced marriage over there.
In America you can't get married until you're 18
Marriage below 18 with parental and child consent changed from state to state but in most of them it's either from 16 or 17
Those laws don't affect this at all
Yes I agree...
My mother's friend was in a very similar situation for nearly 20 years before she broke the rules and got a divorce. She's still orthodox but she has a better husband now. He's a nice guy, treats her and her children well
she and her children.
did you miss the point ? i think you did@@ingriddubbel8468
@@ingriddubbel8468 thats not even correct grammar.. They wrote it right because:
He treats her
He treats her and her children
Yours makes no sense because
He treated she
He treated she and her children
I feel so sad because in the begining she said how people might think she is from a backward country... The thing is In india where I live - a third world country, has laws that states legal age for marriage for women is 18 and for men is 21. And all other rights are also from 18. Yes in india child marriages still happen and its very sad but there are legal ways to fight it at least.
I'm confused. Why is the limit for men 21 but women 18? Is it a cultural thing?
+masterokbut I dont exactly know but it probabaly has to do with physical maturity. In india once you are married you are supposed to take full responsibility of your wife (almost like property) so if a guy is too young its a recepie for disaster. However yes, it is cultural as well because here normally it is considered that a man should be older than the woman.
@@masterokbut964 it is a bizarre rule that seems arbitrary.
Honestly, as an Indian, I never questioned it till now. But it could have been there so that the men finish their college education before marriage.
India had a huge child marriage problem. The British during colonisation made it illegal and tried to get it abolished. Once India gained Independence, its leaders thankfully kept the rule and now child marriage, although not completely gone, rarely happens in the educated population.
This of course doesn't mean that marriages aren't fixed when they are children. I've heard of many betrothal agreements and it's also been a part of pop culture through films in India, albeit older films. However the marriage itself doesn't go through till the minimum age requirement is met.
There are some communities in India that marry their men and women pretty young - 18-20 for women and 21-23 for men. More often than not these are arranged marriages done at younger ages because of societal Norms and tradition.
Just saying, India is a second world country I’m pretty sure
It is interesting to know that a country that talks so much about women rights do not have a legal age for marriage.
I got married when I was 18 years old. My parents wanted me to get married at 16 but I managed to push it off until senior year of high school was finished. He wasnt physically abusive but he was emotionally and mentally traumatizing. I'm 22, still married and paralyzed in making a decision. Hes 31 now and he lives with me. He refuses to give me a divorce. I feel like because he doesn't physically hit me, I have no 'legitimate' reason for divorce so all the 'shame' would be on me. All the women in my family tell me I'm dramatic and ungrateful and I live in a dream world if I thought this was a walk in the park. The women in my family are the ones who tell me to 'man up' and endure it through the good and bad. They keep telling me to stop being brainwashed by the west. That I came here to get an education, not to become entitled. I'm so much more comfortable being in this gray zone than to make the decision of starting over and forgetting culture, tradition and family (the good aspects that I grew up with) or to be apart of the culture, tradition and family and deny myself a good life, an honest life. In the meantime, I'm waiting to graduate in August. Until then, I have to love myself more until no one can break me down the way I permitted my family to.
Hi Rana, I come from a similar situation of purely psychological and financial domestic violence, against both me and my mom. My mother wasn't forced to marry my abusive father but social pressure led to her making the decision to marry before she could see his true colors and now, after more than 30 years, she's still terrified by the idea of divorcing him or even seeking legal help because it would cause a huge change in her life and she also feels she has a "duty" to endure and help him.
I obviously don't know your full situation so it's impossible for me to give you informed advice but in my opinion you should consider seeking out (in secret) an expert on domestic abuse and let them help you. Because, make no mistake, emotional and mental abuse ARE domestic violence: they can cause damage to your sense of identity and your self-worth and to those of your children if you have or will have any in the future. Psychological abuse is particularly dangerous because it's less obvious than physical abuse and the abuser often manipulates the victim into thinking what they're doing is not abuse.
Whatever you choose to do, I suggest that you think of yourself first and of your own future and your own path towards happiness. My belief is that life is short and beautiful and you should try to make the most of it. Culture and tradition are not worth your suffering. You have the power and the right to make a decision, don't let anyone take that away from you.
Have a great day and best of luck with your studies and your graduation in August!
Just get divorced! you have that right! You don't need his permission!
@@smendes2004 it's not easy. My parents are bankrupt and he lives with us. I barely have money for my mortgage let alone a contested divorce... lawyers at base are 2,000 and I have no interest in getting a divorce while under the same roof
People like you could really benefit from Unchained At Last, at least give them a call because they also counsel
I'm so sorry you have to be in this situation. If you reach out to a local women's shelter, they often know all the resources that are available for women in various situations. They may not be able to help you directly since you're not a victim of violent abuse, but they might be able to find resources to help you move out if you decide to pursue divorce. They can often talk you through your options and help you choose what path may be best for you to pursue. You aren't obligated to live a life you don't want to just to make other people happy, especially with an abusive (yes, emotional/verbal abuse definitely counts, don't let anyone tell you otherwise) spouse involved. Blessings
My mother is from conservative Poland, and her response when I mentioned that a peer of mine had an unwanted pregnancy with her boyfriend was:
"If her family were real Catholics, she'd be forced to marry him." Shows how heavily embedded that thinking can be, even if you disagree with it.
Wtf? I'm from Poland. My cuisine was 15 and pregnant. Nobody was forcing her to marige. How long ago your mother left Poland? Now days nobody will force you to marige.
If you really want to marry somone under 18 you need have alownce from court and your parent's can't do anything if court say no. And nobody under 16 can be married.
Sorry for all grammar mistake.
@@adamgrimm6147 Your government has been trying to push anti-abortion laws for quite a while now, and a significant part of the population seem to support them. This shows that religious conservatism remains strong in your country, even if people in your social network are not conservative at all.
my mexican catholic aunts and grandmas be saying this
Ilia Korvigo thank God then for conservatism. Normalizing baby murder is wickedness no matter how you want to dress it up
@@adamgrimm6147 thank you
So incredibly proud of Fraidy. Congratulations- you are changing the world, one unbroken chain link at a time.
WOMEN RISING® That's right! We need women like her!
The problem here is that people underestimate psychological force. Under US law she could have gotten a divorce at any time. The traditional laws of her culture were the only thing stopping her, and the only thing enforcing them was shunning, which is absolutely a form of honour violence. It's emotional manipulation, and new laws about the age of marriage won't stop it, though they're an important start. Groups like Unchained might, if they can reach anyone.
Just want to add to this, while shunning is the only thing truly enforcing these rules, the lack of financial independence is also a huge factor. Not having anywhere you can take your kids and not having any way of providing for them is a scary concept and surely contributes to this as well.
RooTheKangaroo Oh yeah, you’re absolutely right. The lack of financial independence kinda resulted from the same sort of stigmatization, earlier on.
Actually, in most states (if not all, I'd need to double check) you Can't file for a divorce if you're forced/coerced into marriage and are still under 18. Some places it's totally 100% not allowed, no escape, and in others your parents can file for you, but they're almost certainly the ones who coerced you into the marriage in the first place, so......
And like someone else brought up, finances are a huge factor. If you're a child, forced into a marriage, and live in a state where you are too young to work, not legally allowed to have a bank account, are barred for financial assistence programs and shelters because you're under 18, and your parents/family will not help you (or even threaten you if you try to leave)....... even if you COULD somehow file for divorce in that scenerio........ I mean? There's no safety net for you, no system put in place to assist/save you, nowhere to turn, no option that aren't infinitely bleaker,,,
And that shit's on the US's shoulders.
Sincerity Nature All that is absolutely true, and generally a huge problem.
She wasn’t under 18. She married at 19
But in lots of the situations described, you’re absolutely right and systematic problems are the biggest factor.
I made the mistake of commenting before the video was over.
I also know in some states that you need to give a judge a satisfactory reason to be approved for divorce. I also know in my state, they wouldn't let a friend of my dad's divorce her husband despite there being documented evidence that he put her in the hospital for hitting her with his car (a part of his physical abuse of her) because there was no physical witness. My dad lied and said he had been present for the event, which made him a witness, which finally allowed her to get divorced.
I can’t even say no to my mom when she force me to do a degree I don’t want to. And people think it’s easy to just walk out from an entire family that have been grooming a child into a wife...??
I heard on the news a few weeks ago that no person under the age of 18 is permitted to marry for any reason in the state of Minnesota. Great job guys!
Amazing. I knew the country has some seriously messed up marriage laws on the state and federal level. You gave me an view of what’s happening on a macro scale. That this could happen in 2019, it’s deplorable. Your dog has more rights than these women. The police would never drag a dog back to an abuser, they’d arrest the abuser. Thank you so much!
Women getting educated and being able to not be brainwashed is a great step to prevent this sick stuff. Gotta say, really hate these mothers who do this to their daughters.
The same thing probably happened to her mother and her grandmother too. It's a vicious cycle and she was brave to break it.
And fathers, dont be dissilusioned, the fathers are a part, if not just as much. Standing idly to horrific stuff is not what a good person would do, and obviously not participating either.
Wow. She's an amazing woman to have gone through what she did and be able to fight for change the way she is.
This is what modern feminism is actually susposed to be about. Not about guys sitting with their legs open.
Don't worry. This is what modern feminism is about: legal and social rights for all of us, and freedom from stereotypes, that are damaging to all of us.
preach!!!
People can fight for more than one thing at the same time. Manspreading is really about men taking up space and invading other people's space, especially women. The manspreading is a symptom of this and an easy way to illustrate the problem.
+Ikajo
yeah but, with 'male' parts, that's just the most comfortable way to sit. And women often wear skirts and don't have male parts so that's why women don't do it. I don't see it as a sexism issue.
@@Skyler_Momoko exactly. I've grown up around men my whole life. It's not about invading people's space it's about sitting comfortably.
This is the reason why I would choose consent plus common sense over religion and traditions.
The problem for you is that religion isn't supposed to be this way. Since you already have a disposition, you'll insist that what she describes is a functioning part of "Christianity".
Haliax the speaker is actually Jewish though
Brainwashing of children is a powerful force.
@Epic No, it hasn't. Show me anywhere in Christian teachings that demonstrates it's 'always been that way'.
When you get marry as a 19 year old and you sign a civil law marriage agreement you are consenting
The problem here is religious ultra conservatism. This happens in the fundamentalist Christian, Jewish and Islamic communities.
...No. I am certain that a believing Christian is against forced marriage,
and I'm pretty sure Jews think the same way.
You're right about Islamic though, even though I don't know how many communities do this.
EDIT:
I have been told, forced marriage is not allowed in Islam.
@@chessversarius2253 Did you watch the talk? She's from a Jewish community and she mentioned helping a Christian from the Midwest. Even if their militance isn't front and center anymore, it still exists.
Hm you got a point, however I believe that many call themselves "christian" without having Jesus in their heart,
who I'm pretty sure wouldn't tell them to force a marriage on their children...
So those people sometimes still do this I guess, thank you for your comment.
@@chessversarius2253 Well thanks for your reply!
Oh ok, didn't know that, sry.
Might check that later.
What a heart wrenching and terrifying experience. You are so strong!
LoveoftheDark Fiber Arts Isn't she wonderful!
My mom and dad still are a happy couple after 30 years and never got married but she always said "never ever be financially dependend on a man". With four children she never quit her job although my dad does earn well enough
For some its easier than others. My mom became disabled and had no choice but to rely on my dad. A lot of stay-at-home-moms are pressured into staying home and not working which is really sad
@@IamMissPronounced Of course it is. It can also be really hard to get a job after you've taken some time off to raise your children. Luckily we have sufficient maternity leave over here
Me too!
@@IamMissPronounced How is that sad? Women were happier when they were housewives.
@@patriot9487 No they weren't. My grandma wasn't able to work and was dependent on her physically and mentally abusive husband, who probably caused her schizophrenia and manic depression. She couldn't work bc law forbade a wife working without her husband's permission. Her parents were also dirt poor and so she had to stay with him in order to support herself and her children. Those weren't better times. Maybe for men but many woman were deeply damaged by that system. Don't talk about something you obviously know nothing about.
Please stop the planet, I want to get off !!
😂😂😂😂😂 Know how you feel!!! GBU!
Your Name is not Luz, you are Mafalda.
How about you burn all of civilization before you leave, all the animals would appreciate it (other than dogs :p)
For real......
@@NabPunk what about the cats?
Now tell me The Handmaid's Tale is fiction
Excuse me, I'm not even from the US, in fact I live in one of 'other countries', it was not the point of my comment at all. I was trying to say that although child marriage is no news in some parts of the world - including, unfortunately, my home country (Kazakhstan) - a lot of people think it's not happening because such instances never took place in their circle of closest people; and the description of her living in an forced abusive marriage - which is very similar to discriptions underaged brides give where I live - is eerily similar to those in The Handmaid's Tale, so I wanted to highlight it. I never said that I only started caring ones I've seen the TED talk, I lived with forced marriage being a part of my country's traditions my whole life.
Please never assume anything from a youtube comment, this is not nice.
Exactly !
men
Dana Kanafina bruh that made me burst out laughing. I feel so bad for laughing since this is a serious subject. But, JESUS!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I give that too you.
Handmaid's Tale is what I am studying for A level so, this first hand, experienced context is pretty useful.
This woman has chutzpah. She took the misuse she endured and turned it into a way to help others in crisis. She is what Judaism encourages, standing up for what is right.
Except for when they violently conquered and enslaved other peoples, taking their women as concubines, if you go off what the Old Testament says.
@@blam320 Every single major group has had abuses throughout the years. Every. Single. One. Go ahead, tell me what major groups you belong to, and see if I can't find abuses that have been done by your groups. Go for it. I dare you.
Judge others in the same way that you want to be judged.
@@richlee3777 Physicists. Engineers. If there _are_ abuses that I'm unaware of, feel free to inform me.
And the Atomic Bomb doesn't count. That's way, way too low-hanging fruit.
@@blam320 You're challenging a religion and an ethnic group. Your occupation isn't exactly the same classification.
@@richlee3777 You _did_ say name any group.
I'm well aware that every ethnic group has committed atrocities against each other. Though it so happens that Jewish can be an ethnicity or a religious affiliation, and in terms of biblical storytelling, the people of Jewish faith - not necessarily ethnic Jewish - committed horrible atrocities in the name of their god, not in the name of ethnic purity.
I do believe it needs to be illegal to marry before 18. Which would be in line with Orthodox Jewish law. Though that wouldn't have helped Fraidy at 19. She had horrible parents grew up in a bad family which no religion can control.
Religion usually makes this sort of problem worse.
myopinions46
You think your morality is the right one? I support free choice.
@@trevorh6438
You ignore the role that social pressure plays in stripping away freedom of choice from individuals, to which dependents and children are particularly susceptible. If my choice is to marry even though I don't really want to or face social ostracization and perhaps a severe reduction in my quality of life at home, I may very well opt to marry even though I don't want to. It's called coercion, and it's why forcing someone else to put a gun to someone's head and pull the trigger makes you the real murderer, not them.
Batra Chian
So... social pressure strips freedom of choice from dependents and children.
Do you mean the social pressure from the parents/guardians, and their circle of friends? Are you in favor of making it unlawful for parents to raise their own children the way they see fit? And if you are... what is your alternative that does not do the same exact thing simply under a different name and by a different party?
It is unlawful to coerce people to follow a society's governmental rules too?
@@trevorh6438
You are deflecting from the topic at hand.
This highlights a major reason that I'm ashamed of my state (Idaho) especially now in 2019 after they struck down a marriage reform bill in February. Idaho has the highest rate of child marriage in the U.S.
I did a presentation on this for one of my classes and it was so hard not to cry when talking about it. It's so sad and Tennessee finally passed something last year.
There are also young high school girls who get married to escape their abusive parents. I have family who did just that.
In germany all marriages done when someone was younger than 16 are annulled, doesn´t matter where they did marry. All marriages made when younger than 18 too, with the exception if it would pose unfitting difficulties on the (at that time) child, or when they are already 18+ now and want to keep the marriage.
Still child marriage is a problem in germany since refugees brought many with them and the government is not quite sure how to react even though it is illegal in germany. The around 1800 children in marriage are not easy to save, since they come from completely different cultures, with nearly half from Syria. If the marriage is broken up there is no place for them to live.
This made me tear up. I have the most wonderful amazing husband and I want every single woman/girl to have that same love as I do for their partner (if they want a partner). To think that this is happening to girls who are my age and even younger, it’s horrible and sad.
this makes me so ANGRY AAAA why on EARTH is this legal AAAAAA
It's legal, because it has been the law since before England was even it's own country.
Culture is, well communities that it's their culture to *force marry* her child. So, you would have to totally change every cultures who believe in this type of marriage, which is a recipe for conflict -and ruining diversity-
She's trying 2 changed that,, it seems. Yes, frustrating!!! 😥😥
I will not let my daughter go thru this kind of ordeals & abuse. Help her charity chains something !!
Allowing anyone of any age to get a divorce sounds like it should be an easy law to get passed if raised in the public conscious, its undefendable. If anything its not part of the law because so few people realised it was necessary. That needs to be a made a campaign first, get the blatantly awful stuff changed before bringing any questions about religious freedom into it, taking away someone's freedom can not ever be a type of freedom.
Old Soul,
Is that not already the case? Which law has made doing so unlawful?
Trevor H did you watch the video? Minors are not allowed to file for a divorce unless parents do it for them.
@@dahliazuo1362
Your assertion violates the reality of the law itself.
She could have been criminally charged for helping Maryam, but she did it anyway. That is real heroism.
I’ve noticed that marriage basically tends to happen due to:
- customs/traditions
- novelty
- necessity or mutual interest
- genuinely out of love for each other
I’m not going to fault people for their lifestyle choices which are not harmful to others, but I couldn’t imagine marrying someone for anything other than love, much less being married for life to someone in a loveless marriage.
That's a very childish view
I hope your family sees how not dead you are!
There are no worse blind people than the ones who doesn't want to see.
I could be married to a 90 year old man that's scary luckily child marriage is slowly be undone in this nation two states as of last year has banned child marriage.Thank the heavens above
Tori's Shenanigans Sorry bout this but the 90-year old man would have died soon anyway
I...love...this. I love your work to treat other girls in this country as FIRST class citizens, not SECOND class citizens. Brava! What courage you have. I am filled with respect and admiration for your mission.
My wife had a classmate in college, whose parents sent her to Egypt for "summer vacation" and once she was there they told her she must pick one of the men they had chosen to get married or they wouldn't let her come back to the USA and would be rejected by the entire family. She was basically forced to get married and now has 2 children with him.
That is horrifying. She she get back to the US or was she forced to stay in Egypt?
@@MsMaryPatricia She is back in the USA and brought him here
@@triky5384 Thanks. At least she got to come back to the US.
I'm Jewish-Canadian (though I may not look it), and I am so grateful that I live in such an amazing community, that I go to a Habonim Dror camp that promotes activism and social justice and feminism.
But I can't help but think of the town of Bountiful, B.C., that has polygamy and pushes girls into marriages to bear children and it's awful, and be glad that while it exists, I'm so far away from that sort of existence.
Bountiful is I beleive an offshoot of the Mormon Church - or Church of jesus christ of latter day saints... where Polygamy used to be traditional and many Mormon men probably still wish it were traditional. As you can tell, I dont think much of anyone in the mormon church - except for their wonderful genealogical records - but even then, I dont like the reason for the collection of those records!! To baptise every human on earth (dead or alive) - into their religion - whether you want them to or not.
@@SereniaSaissa I see a town named Bountiful and the very first thing that comes to mind is "Founded by Mormons, no doubt."
Wow, just imagine how bad it is in countries where women like her don't even have the right to speak out.
Seems like so many parents hate their children
I think those people think having kids is a duty, sth they must do for their society. And marrying them off, is the next step...
Grazie per il tuo coraggio e per ciò che fai
You are so brave and one strong woman. Thank you for being such a good person. ❤️
I’ve seen this woman help so many women in a TV special. Admirable.
I'm glad she is getting this message out! I did not know that these things still happened today.
How is this even legal?
It's religious freedom (for the parents). It's the religious-based notion that children are the chattel property of their parents, who make decisions and consent (or not) for those children.
Welcome to america
diversity is our stregnth and I guess ADL?
I am so happy for you. Keep fighting for women's and girl's rights. God bless you.
and thank you for rescuing Huxa's sister and so many others. it is so powerful to hear about women rescuing girls subject to the insane cruelties of toxic patriarchal systems.
OMG I've seen this woman already! She's amazing!
Good for you! You deserve to be treated as the wonderful beautiful person that you are. Keep up the good work helping those young girls!
I love how everyone carefully avoids who is driving this behavior.
Conservative religious authoritarians?
Oh, yes, they’re Jewish, but this is far more frequent in Christian communities for the US.
Roy Moore and his predilection for young girls got attention for a reason...
Thank you for everything you do.
Blessings ✨
PLEASE NOTE! This is NOT the typical Orthodox Jewish scenario!! As an orthodox Jewish Woman who is happily married with children, I can testify that she had some sort of crazy situation! I was NOT forced into a marriage (neither were ANY of my friends from my community) and I am allowed to drive, work, attend college and be financially responsible. PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT HER STORY IS THE NORM! IT IS A SMALL MINORITY!!
Agree!! Thanks for saying it!!!
No no, this isn't just some crazy Jewish scenario- please watch the whole video. Lots of religions force this onto their children. Christians are a big part of it too. And this is NOT a minority. There are whole schools paraded around this idea, teaching this to impressionable children. Its a horrible thing, and yet many are ignoring it and saying its a minority. Everything is a 'minority' when looking at the big picture. That doesn't change the fact that millions of lives are impacted by this.
I love her message! Such a strong woman!
thank you for standing up for yourself and in doing so everyone else.
Wow! Incredible talk. Thank you for sharing and helping save lives.
Thank you for this talk, you are amazing and very much in alignment with my passionate work, it was a pleasure meeting you at the UN and further learn what a difference you are making across the USA and world 🙏🏼❤️
So so sorry for the pain you have been through 😢
My profound admiration to this heroic woman!
Thank-you so much for sharing your story...You are a very strong woman and I admire you.
Thank you very much for what you are doing!
When i told my parents that i wanted to divorce my cheating abusive husband they wouldnt allow me back either told me u have a baby work it out so i stayed 4 more years then against their wishes divorced .
Good God bless the work this woman does.
Thank you Fraidy for sharing your story and passion!
Bright, brave and beautiful! Bravo! Thank you for your valuable work. You are a light!
👏 for those parents who love and respect their children!
Can't someone call CPS? Isn't that CPSs job to protect children? To protect these young girls?
I think it's something to do with religious freedom? And the fact that some people won't believe what's happening.
Hazelmykitten also, the women trapped in these situations will literally lose everything if they stand up to their husbands - they are intentionally denied job skills and have little exposure to the outside world, which they are constantly told is a vile and sinful place that will treat them even more harshly than their current situation.
They aren’t allowed to know that there are alternatives.
No..
wow, i didn't know this happened in America too. It was popular in Vietnam in my parents time, now in some ethnic areas, but not as many. I'm so sorry that it happened with any of you out there. Please stay safe all of you
Very well done. Great to spread the movement all over America and beyond. Thanks Fraidy 💐❤️🇺🇸🌎
My parents got married at 16 they were mormon.
Everyone is shocked they are still together. Good parents and still loved each other 40 years later.
But that wasnt without trouble.
But growing up, knowing that messed me up. It made me believe I had to find love before 18 or I never would. That your first love is your forever love.
So no. Under 18 you should not be married.
So many possible reasons, but number one, they were both sixteen. Way too young, but very different than if your father had been many years older than your mother.
I'm surprised she was able to get out WITH her daughters.
What the Frell? This is unacceptable no one should have to go through this.
Wow thank you for speaking about this
The unmentioned fact is that this happens in religious communities.
I'd like to see if there is a correlation between the education of parents and the age at which their daughters get married.
Most people I know who are college educated tell their daughters (and their sons) to finish their bachelor's degrees and graduate degrees before getting married.
While raising the marriage age to 18, with no loopholes, is certainly needed, I think a sizable number of poorly-educated parents still think that the best path for a daughter is to get married, ASAP.
That is very true. My father has a graduate degree and told me to finish college, get a job, and save money. My uncles, however, only care about marriage for a woman. They graduated High School and that is it. I’m glad I didn’t marry yet.
Strong and brave you are. And showing everyone how strong and brave you are.
I shut up when ever I am scared, sometimes for hours on end.
I am in a abusive relationship, and I no longer feel safe at home. Because both of my parents want me and my brother to trust them, I don’t trust anyone now.
Try to work on getting out, as fast as you can.
Call the police NOW! Are you okay? I’m so sorry. If you have Internet access, you can find websites for women’s shelters. I think your best bet would be to call the police and wait for them. I know people who were in abusive marriages but got out...I can only imagine it’s harder with family. My best recommendation is to call the authorities and get help.
I live in Australia and I am and always will be baffled at this atrocious and easy to avoid, problem.
Hmm not so fast buddy, Australia has a similar problem: Honor base killings, and its rising
Hmm, good to know, I did not know that. I was only stating that the fact of child brides being legal in ones country is an easy, problem to fix.
@@LisaRowse How do you fix it while also allowing the public to practice their own religious culture and tradition?
It's child abuse. There can be no excuses or disguises for it.
Whether it be religion, culture or law.. it all comes down to the mindset of the parents.
Coming from a muslim background, even though forced marriages are considered a sin, you are very likely to manipulated by your parents if you go against the norms of your community. As the speaker mentioned being single when everyone of your age is married is considered as a dishonour. People will inquire as if you have some terminal illness. Fearing this the parents will often manipulate their daughters by making them feel guilty and using religion they will say if you don't get married now no one will marry you if you cross the age and it is sinful to be not married.
I wish parents cared more about their daughters' happiness than the society. Like who needs that narrow minded guy who wouldn't marry you just because you are not young enough?
I'm from a Catholic country. We haven't got forced marriages, but... The mindset of people, especially in rural areas - if you are a single woman after 30 you are a failure. This thinking is embedded in people. Young girls fear nothing more than they will stay alone and become spinsters. This drives them marrying men whom they don't love but anything is better than to be a single woman. I personally knew girls who married in their early 20s just to admit they don't love and never loved their husbands.
first of all, you have the longest user name I've ever seen, lol. I'm Muslim, grew up Catholic but in a very non religious home. I'm very liberal (so is my husband), most definitely married for love, but my mother believes we will force our daughters to marry men from other countries. These things happen but as you mentioned, it's a sin and cultural, not religious. Our oldest is in college and I get asked "is she still around or did you sell her?" I absolutely hate being constantly accused of something neither me nor my husband would ever do. We're American, our kids are American and we don't know any men in other countries.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess I want you to know that many parents do care about their daughter's happiness, and their son's too. My mother is extremely manipulative and controlling in her way, but I've always stood up for myself and it. is. exhausting! If she had her way, I would have divorced my husband and gotten an abortion with my first child because that's what she fought with me to do. She wants me to herself, no talking to relatives(including my father) or having friends, and I'm in my 40's. If she had a way to control me I know she would. Thank God I have my independence.
I think cultural norm is more dangerous than religion
My mother gave my sister's a option it was herself or me. So they did shunt me 27yrs ago.
And I live in Iceland.
Your strong woman.
I salute you.
Regards from Iceland
This sounds so horrific. I can’t imagine living in fear of my family shunning me for not wanting to marry
Thank you for being brave so other girls who are scared can become brave too.
She’s amazing. So courageous and stylish to boot!
I had no idea that this problem existed. This is insane! I am so sorry that you had to go through such a horrific situation. It's clear to me that our country still has a long way to go when it comes to the rights and protections of women and children.
Wow ...!!! Thank you for sharing
I married someone who lied about his family to get me to marry him. After 3 years of misery I begged to just be allowed to pack my clothes and leave. I told him he could keep the furniture, dishes, everything. He said he would kill both my parents if I left and got a divorce. 5 years into the marriage he missed a promotion at work and decided to beat my upper right arm to a pulp. I used to do open heart surgery in Houston until I was beaten half to death in the United States. After he beat me, I could no longer hold a scalpel any more. I couldn't even brush my teeth or even sign my name to my paycheck. After years of physical therapy that he and my parents paid for, i got most of the use of my right arm back.
35 years later I still have a mass of scar tissue in my upper right arm where my husband decided he could use a woman for a punching bag for simply being there.
After 9 years he finally allowed me a divorce. A year later I ran into an old friend from junior high and high school. Praise God. Been married for years now to a nice person.
Sh*t, that sounds worse than the Amish. Their youth can at least choose their own mate.
You're being ridiculous, she clearly states she chose her partner.
And all Muslims.
This is a heart breaking topic
I feel so sorry for your suffering, but at the same time I feel glad, because it looks like you have manage to overcome your situation and at the same time I congratulate you for your efforts to try and help those other girls who are facing the same situation that affected you.
Thank you for your fight on behalf of so many oppressed women. God bless you and many hugs with appreciation and respect!!.....