See Yourself to See Others (Practical Tips You Can Start TODAY)
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
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Let me guess, you are always wanting to love other but have a hard time accepting love in return? The problem is that is depriving the rest of the world from the great gift of loving you fully. In this video we dive into how to love yourself fully, so you can see yourself and others more clearly.
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00:00 Love yourself to love others
01:22 Let others love you
03:00 Mental rewiring
06:00 Strength comes from you
09:00 Real love is seeing yourself and others clearly
#mendedlight #jonathandecker
I was praying for help, feeling very alone and hopeless. And all of a sudden your video pops up. Thank you for sharing your light.
Thank you for sharing. This is powerful.
My path to loving myself started with acts of kindness to myself just as I would to others. I started by seeing myself as a human being just like every other human being that deserves compassion.
Damn. This hit hard. My husband and I just split up bc no matter how hard he tried to love me, I never acknowledged or accepted it. After 10 years, he burned out and gave up.
Dang, sorry to hear that! I guess that would be tough to realise on both sides 😢
I didn't ask to be called out to this extent, Jonno!
I'm almost certain that I'm a Healer (probably Thinker/Healer, based on how both are described). I want to give love to everyone I see hurting. And, due to my perfectionism, I've been so harsh on myself for years.
I find it difficult to accept praise, but only of I don't feel I deserve the whole package. I'll thank the praiser, but also explain all the mitigating factors that this person "clearly isn't aware of". It drives my family and friends crazy (understandably so). Thankfully, I'm more able to accept praise nowadays, but it's still a work in progress.
The part where you talked about that you were sometimes seeking reciprocal kindness and validation through your own kindness really hit me in the gut. Because I did (and still do to some extent) the same thing. I do the same thing when it comes to seeking deep connections with others. I overshare far too much, in the hopes that they will get deep about themselves and then I'll think we have that deep connection. This is also something I've tried (am trying) to rein in.
For decades I've been thinking to myself "What can I do for my family to love me?" and the realization has been slowly trickling in that my parents don't see me. They don't know who I am and they don't care to see who I've become since it isn't who they wanted. Your video helped me realize that that might be because they don't even see themselves. They're very ignorant (or in denial) of their own flaws. One more than the other. I'm convinced everyone needs therapy for something, but if my mom ever agreed to therapy her list of issues would be very... unique.
About a decade ago I got the idea to treat myself as if I was my own child. How would I take care of my child? How do I break the cycle? I took courses in high school and uni on proper parenting and the stages of human development and growth. Maslow's triangle, Erik Erikson and all that. But all that theory doesn't help if I don't keep applying it. And it was a struggle. Trying to remember to take care of myself, that if I was my own child I would be kinder here, more understanding there. But it's difficult to break decades of habit. Your video reminded me to keep trying.
I'm terrified of having children. I know I want them and I like being around other people's children. But I'm worried I'll just repeat the cycle since that's what I've known. I think... if I can successfully "parent myself" and fill in those missing pieces on my own (and with my friends' help, without my parents), then maybe I'll some day be ready to be a parent to someone else. A whole other human being with their own thoughts and feelings and lived experiences.
I've also been toying with the idea of meditation. So maybe I'll do a modified version of those together - not true meditation, but rather more like ... a pause button for me to see how I'm doing. A quiet moment of contemplation. Maybe I can start taking a few minutes every day to just "check in" with myself. How was my day? Did anything happen that I want to digest and ruminate upon? Heck, maybe journaling will finally stick.
I can relate to this. I've always been more concerned about others than myself. It's like a cup 🥃. We lose a bit of the volume when we give kindness, love, and generosity to others, and that's okay. But we need to receive kindness, love, and generosity from others to refill our cup. When you continue to deplete your cup and refuse any refills out of shame, spite, self-loathing, the cup will run empty. And that's when really bad things happen, like self-harm or even self-deletion. I'm still struggling with this, at 45.
I reached the end of my cup at 34. That's when I started therapy and now a year later, I feel reborn. I am giving myself (slowly but steadily) everything I negated to it for years. And believe me, when you start to truly love and care for yourself, that's when true happiness is known. It's never too late. You just need to come to that awareness first. From that on, it's only going up :)
I'm not sure it's like that. We don't need to be filled by others. I think we need to refill our own cup 🤔
@@indiecloud100 I agree and disagree. By definition, I’m a loner. I’ve always been a loner, since I was a little boy. But I’ve always been very, very observant and a great listener. I have “friends” and “acquaintances,” but I rarely socialize with them; maybe 2 times a year. Which is to say we are on first name or nickname basis, and thats it. I travel alone. I drive alone. I shop alone. I’ve never been in a relationship in 45 years, although I’ve been pulled vicariously into relationship concerns past friends had I feel I have a general understanding of basic challenges couples face. For 30-35 years, I felt I was okay “refilling my own cup.” But I found my need for companionship was slowly creeping into the picture, unbeknownst to be at the time. And I was depleting more of my cup, in efforts to bond with others, and my self refilling efforts could not keep up with the emotional demands. So I agree, to a point, we can and should refill our own cup. But we do need pair bonding with partners and close friends to facilitate the refill process as time progresses. Too much reliance on others to “refill our cup,” and we become dependent and needy on relationships to define our existence. Too much reliance upon ourselves, over large stretches of time without balance, isn’t good either. It’s a balancing act.
@@ian_ford oh then I agree, humans are social creatures by design. It's healthy to be with and rely on others
I was thinking of that cup as self-love and self-confidence, that can only come from self
Sorry for assuming. Hope things get better for the both of us Ian 🥂
@@ian_fordI agree and believe you've described the difference in going between independency, co-dependency, and then arriving at inter-dependence which is what we all need as humans ❤
I have something to say!
There was a point you made earlier in the video, regarding intentionality. You rightly pointed out that some of your desire to be good to other people was rooted in genuine compassion, while some of it was born out of self-interest. There are a lot of people (myself included) who criticize and demonize ourselves precisely for this perception that we have flawed intentions.
But here's the thing: part of loving yourself is recognizing that you are a human person, fault and foibles included. We were designed to function out of self-interest, it's how we evolved. Many of our greatest traits and accomplishments were and are born out of ego, vanity, pride, and other driving emotions that we would consider flawed.
This is not to say that we shouldn't examine our motivations and be aware of them. Rather, we need to recognize that wanting other people to accept and embrace us, and acting accordingly to try and create that response, is about the most human thing there is, and there should be no shame in it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting things for yourself, or being motivated by it. Selfishness and compassion actually make fantastic bedfellows if you let them. ❤
I grew up with a narc mother and narc older brother. I’ve spent 52 years feeling unworthy and unloveable. I’m finally waking up to the fact that I was always lovable, they just aren’t capable of unconditional love. Fortunately, my children grew up feeling loved and supported. Now I need to apply that to myself. The cycle ends with me.
Jonathan saying i see you with those swollen red eyes made me crack up 🤣🤣
I needed to hear this today. Thank you! ❤️
Hope you're ok bro! Just noticing your eyes are either incredibly tired or you've been tearful.. whatever it is, I hope it all falls where it needs to soon 🙏🏽
It was severe allergies, he said so in some community page 😊
I like to think it was Pixar. :)
They film multiple videos a day sometimes. There’s another video where he’s wearing the same shirt in the same setting. In that video the topic made him tear up. That could be it. ❤️
I love the love and compassion in this community. The world needs more of this right now. ❤️
Great video ! Thank you Jonathan.
One of the books that I read on the subject is called: "You're The One You've Been Waiting For". I think the topic of self-love is so relevant especially when it comes to romantic relationships. People often expect their partner to be a primary caretaker of the Inner Child. Then when the relationship ends, that Inner Child comes back to them wanting to be loved 😢
When you know how to love yourself:
- you won't rely on external validation
- you will be able to receive love
- you will attract the right partner (that's because when you know how to love yourself you can then communicate that to a partner to love you that way)
- you will find peace
- you will be able to better handle your Internal Critic and perhaps transform it to an Internal Cheerleader
- you will be triggered less often by people's emotions/behaviour
So how do you love yourself ? How do you practice it ? The most obvious things would be: to have good boundaries, have healthy daily routines, surround yourself with people who are good for your wellbeing, be active, have hobbies, etc etc. BUT it also includes finding courage to: face your own wounds that you've been suppressing 😞❤ (Inner Child work, grief counseling, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, etc.).
I believe we all have a source of love within ourselves. The main thing is to find out what's been blocking us in accessing it...
I went through a lot of darkness in my life. For a long time I was looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I never found it there. However, where I ended up finding it was within myself ❤
(Now I work in mental health and try to share it with others)
I will look into the book. Thanks for giving me hope 🥹
This book sounds great! Who's the author? I was just mentioning Kristin Neff in another video regarding self-compassion. Also, Brené Brown is fantastic.
You’re right first love your self & people will love you. Just love your self first matters.
🎵May the sweet, sweet sounds of Heaven fall down to the Earth 🎶
Thank you, Jono, this has piqued my interest, and we appreciate your woodland narrative and Mended Light course share.
“I can’t give to others until I’ve met my own needs.” Wow, that hits home. ❤️
At the end that was SO cute when you said "grab it like a little woodland creature and share it with your raccoon friends" because that's how I act with treasures :D
Every time I try to do some self love, like stand in front of a mirror and list my own virtues and flaws to myslef or hug myself, I always break down and cry, a lot, every time.
The intention aspect is very interesting. When I do something kind for other people, I often wonder, "Am I doing this to make them happy, or to make myself feel important, valued, and liked?" Honesty, I think it's both, but I'd like to become healthier so that the scale tips more toward the "making them happy" side. I have enough self compassion to know that it's okay for my intention to be a little bit of both at the moment.
I used to pray I could be trusting again. I don’t pray that prayer anymore. It’s because I’ve learned most people should prove their trustworthiness. I wanted to believe the world could be better but it can’t because it’s not in their nature.
Thank you for putting this out, Johnathan. Been struggling with this subject for a long time, as well, (both sides of the coin without realizing it) but been recently working on learning to actually love myself and be more open to loving others again instead of being ashamed for just existing/being a bother. Appreciate the work you do, in & out of RUclips ❤️
Thank you! I really struggle with self-love, even when I do things to help others that ought to result in them loving me. It seems like it's better to be enough for yourself than to try to be enough for others, especially those who will find ways to villainize you for trying to help them in a way that they normally respond well to.
THANK YOU!!! This is an amazing gift! I can't wait to take the course!
Very true and you are very brave to say your story.
I think that the idea is that if you no love yourself, you can't have healthy relationship with others... Like the other way arround, with having difficulties to love others...
This is the best video I've seen about self love. This makes sense!!! Thank you!
a couple of months ago, i was focusing on the phrase love one another as you love yourself. i saw myself with some action hero massive semi-automatic wepon, running down the road fiering at everyone, realising i hated myself, spent some time praying as that is where my help comes from. it was a shock to see how deep the self hatred whent, lerning to love myself is still a way off, but i am lerning to see the good things about me and liking myself is close
Thank you for the free class! I'll register ASAP! It will be so so helpful!
genuinely needed this today in a slump of self doubt. thank you so much for all that you do
That intro made me scared for a moment 🤣 The stare was so intense and he stared right at me 😶
It's a pity that my english is not good enough to explain how much this video and words in it is important to me. I think that even in my first language (russian) I could not find right words. Cause it's much deeper than words. Thank you, Jono. Let me give you a big warm virtual hug
Interesting idea. I wonder, for myself, how true this is. I believe that others love me. But at my core I don't feel loveable. I want to accept their love and I do to an extent, but I don't feel like I am worthy of that love. I think this is because those who know me, or rather those who watched me grow up, don't treat me well emotionally around those who don't know me well so I must not be loveable. Silly notion, but there it is.
It’s so weird seeing you alone and not with Alan. He would be laughing at your end part. I like your collabs with other but you’re a powerhouse on its own too!
Johnno is the light of the world
I genuinely get uncomfortable if someone gives me compliments or words of affirmation. Even though part of me thinks that that would be wonderful to have, especially in a romantic relationship, I feel so undeserving to ask for that kind of attention.
I’m just paraphrasing here, but Jesus said we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. This makes me wonder how one can truly love others, but have no, or little, love for oneself.
Very true words rarely heard
I see you, myself...
#hugmyself 🥺 💛💛💛
Live long and prosper 🖖
As someone who's presumably some combination of closer/thinker, I'd love some advice on the opposite end of that spectrum. I could really relate to the part where you mentioned not tolerating weakness in myself, and sometimes I feel like that same judgment projected outwards makes it challenging to connect with others at times. Not so much to where I become unlikeable (because I keep it to myself mostly), but enough to where I feel guilty about even thinking that way or feeling like a judgmental person, and it can seem lonely at times because of that. Based on some of the things you said, I wonder if my difficulty in accepting others comes from some form of not fully accepting myself? Or if it's the opposite and I'm so confident in the work I've put into building myself that it seems extra noticeable when others haven't put in that same work? Anyway, before I embarrass myself any further, I just think it'd be an interesting topic to address. Or maybe I just need therapy and I'm hoping to get a free 15 minutes worth of an answer 😬
This; I'm also primarily a thinker and I relate to that feeling; I get resentful at times that other people can show weakness that I won't allow myself to show, and it gets in the way of connection.
Jonno are you ok? Your eyes seem swollen. Hope you are ok. Thank you for your videos, they are really helpful and inspiring
The course for free! I'm going!
... And no, the confirmation email did't came... Mmmm... Maybe because I'm posting from Costa Rica?
Thank you so much for the video!❤
I wish I could share what I am thinking right now but I can't because this is a youtube comment box and if I wrote what I am actually thinking, it would be flagged. There are some people you can't save. I am beyond repair.
Healing words. I will share with my racoon friends
Amanda. Worthy of love. Worthy of the love of others, worthy of love to myself. Sometimes the meaning of my name is lost on me, especially when it's used for b*tchy women in storytelling, and most ones I've met are just awful people.
Thank you so much for this video and all your others. I very much identify with a lot of the things you spoke about! 🤍
This is very much describing my situation. But I have no idea how to rewire...
Absolutely loved this episode - thank you ❤❤
Thank you, Jono! I really needed this knowledge and understanding
Thank you so much ❤
Being insacure isn't lack of self love insacureity is a byproduct of trying trying to hard n settling for a bad match n then makes u feel insacure
Well , this hits my core. Thanks. I found you yesterday, in your channel "Cinema Therapy". I somehow feel that I can trust you. I will check the others videos, and your webinar. Best regards from your new subscriber from Italy
Thank you for this video and what you do! I'm going through my first breakup and I struggle to love myself.
thank you. life saving
I'm very glad to read this. Stick around, we need you!
theres a set of navy blue books with gold writing on your shelf that have uneven text and its driving me nuts.
So surprise by the importance of fun for a Dreamer in the quiz and only like three questions about the creativity in there... For that, I'm Thinker/Healer without the sufficient points (or less points) to have the Dreamer in me... I think some Dreamer can be considerate Thinker if they don't have a outgoing personality... Like me.
Make me thinking about maybe they are Feelers, value good feelings and they have more for the other persons, from the exterior... For that, they need excited thing and sometimes their ideas are that excited, for that moment...
Dreamer to me was like the artistic type, the creative one... and that can be veeeeery solitary. A writer since I was 8 years old, having worlds, characters and Ideas that need to get out... That's more that a Thinker to me.
I find it extremely difficult to like anything about me, let alone love
I think my problem is less about not accepting my weaknesses, but about not valuing my strengths so when a moment comes where im putting myself down for a weakness there is nothing to couteract that.
I do have some strengths I'm aware of. Eg Im extremely good at logic and math stuff. But I see that mostly as a neutral. I have not worked for it neither does it give value to the world around me.
Most other strengths depend on my mood and are therefore unreliable. So what does it help if Im good at listening to people sometimes when noone can rely on me being able to listen when they are coming to me with a problem? So those things don't count as strengths for me.
So in my bad moments Im thinking less about whats wrong with me and more about "Is there anything good anyways?"
Sorry for rambling, I think I mostly wanted to get that of my chest somewhere. Should anyone have advise on how to see/find/validate your stregths that would be welcome
Great video! Where can I find that link, please?
Please make a video about the TV show Fringe.
The father/son relationship...?
This is so interesting. I heard a discussion between Angela Duckworth and Steve Dubiner about personality types that seemed to have some similarities. Also there is a Jewish source for 3 types of personality (roughly the type in their head, the type who lives with heart, and the one uses their hands doing good). All people of course possess traits from the different types, but we also have a go to, our main de facto personality. And the idea is we can work to develop the other traits, and use the knowledge to see others, understand them better, accept them, love them, teach them, or work with them inside that understanding. To your knowledge, did Freud talk about something like this?
I didn’t know it was 🎉free🎉 😂
I dis agree 100 precent u can give woth out given to ur self that's this self worry bout self self self self love self worry about self focus on self no the selfish sprite is not what the act of love and given was designed for if everyone gave noone would be woth out. Everyone would feel more loved but
If I give you the love I don't feel myself somehow it will also heal me ?
Please make a video about the anime Mushoku Tensei.
I have to write, You have commitment to this cause.
I hope you enjoy the videos too.
Team Woodland Creatures unite 🐿.
Let's say there a man who is confident surrounded himself have passions finds a woma n she cheats she lies she steals from man that man sees this n decided to leave clearly he had self love to see he deserves more then this but he enters the next relai9nship with more insacurotes then he ever had
No they where waiting for u to heal so loveing u won't be so hard on them
In this Era love is only given if u have it all figured out first but my question isn't a team or partner ship designed to tackle the struggles of life TOGETHER so if u figure it out on ur own why want a partner after that u built the castle ur self noone helped u so wouldn't it be wrong if someone tried to come in the castle after n act like they where waiting for u to love ur self lmao
Thankies for the vid ❤️🧈🖤
My confirmation email is not sending
lol - I am a racoon with decades of practice in self-loathing
🖖
I unfortunately don’t like myself. I never did even as a little boy and unfortunately I don’t think I ever will. I remember looking in the mirror as a little boy and for some reason just hating what I saw in the reflection. My mom miscarried one of my brothers and I used to always ask her why I couldn’t have been the baby that she miscarried.😔
I dont belive in self love self care is not the same self care is essianal love is an action if everyone gave love noone would Need to give to them selves I fee as if u find someone who knows how to do this u won't need to love self cuz ull arewldy know ur wroth something like ok she not talking cuz she in her mind u think she not talking uz she want something else that could be a byproduct of insacurite but if u found a partner who loved u so much when ur brain like I don't deserve love then u get a text from ur partner saying hey babe hope ur day is going good miss u n can't wait till later tonight when ur off u get this text ten mins afteru leave the house
Meanwhile I'm in both camps lol