This might sound odd coming from a therapist, but talking -- especially in the context of intimate relationships -- is overrated. While talking is the most effective strategy for dealing with some issues (e.g., logistics), it is woefully inadequate for solving most of the problems encountered in relationships. In fact, to the extent that talking changes behavior, this is often due to the punitive nature of talking, as opposed to the understanding that talking seems to provide. Furthermore, nearly everything that people seek out in their relationships can be communicated non-verbally. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #communication
Is your next video gonna be about keeping your pimp hand strong with your woman? It would fit quite nicely after the "women are only good for sex" and "be pretty and shut up" videos you just made. It's like you're doing psychology hacks for pimps.
@@VixxKong2 devils advocate: if your social life is good enough, then both men and women don't "neeeeeeed" a partner for talking/ as a friend/ etc... ... but i'd say you should want to be a friend of your partner... you should be able to talk about things... don't "we need to talk", that's not a talk, that's preaching do 'so i noticed you doing X, that makes me feel Y' (say the behavior "X", try to find a way of saying things that makes it... non-judgmental, without a value judgement attached)
@@siggimondo he’s a nuclear safety inspector, those jobs are $150,000 at a minimum! And he likely saves Mr. Burns hundreds of millions of dollars of fines and shutdowns by never writing up any safety complaints and never bringing up any safety issues. It’s just like Barney Stinson’s “PLEASE” job at Goliath International Bank in HIMYM. (“PLEASE” is “Provide legal exculpation and sign everything”.). If anything going wrong, Homer is the scapegoat. Also, Homer was offered $500,000, plus an executive home, plus free private school for the kids by Hank Scorpio.
I heard a woman talking about her 35 wedding anniversary. Someone asked what her secret to a long marriage was. She said they didn't talk much😅 I guess she was right.
Sounds like someone who is just not close with her partner Maritally or relationally. That happens too. Some ppl sit in silent suffering for years of their marriage as well. Just sayin.
You missed his point where is said not talking much doesnt mean youre not communicating. They could still be connecting, interacting and experiecing each other through non-verbal communication. Sometimes all it takes is just being in someone's presence or being in each others presence and being in union in heart and spirit.
@@terrycrews1760 Indeed. Talking means sharing, not argueing - there can be poisoneous silence, and of course relaxed and friendly, too. There is so many ways to show you care, respect, and cherish your loved one(s) without dominating them.
“We need to talk.” Never have four words inspired such dread. When my wife and I got married, one of the silliest piece of advice we constantly got was, “never go to bed angry.” It turns out the worst fights we ever had were because we were TIRED. Too much communication can be a bad thing. A good night’s sleep can shrink big problems into manageable ones, and make small problems disappear.
When I was about 20 years old, I decided to keep a journal of all the things that were upsetting me, keeping me awake at night, etc. A few weeks later, I read my previous entries. I had completely forgotten about most of the "issues" and none of them were of any consequence to me by the time I was reading about them. Lesson learned. I stopped the journal. The lesson that problems aren't worth getting upset over has stuck with me for 47 years. Now, if only everybody around me would take it to heart like I did...
Disagree. Wife and I have been careful NOT to go to bed angry with each other for 33 years. Sometimes, we just negotiate a truce and then sort the rest out in the morning. We just cannot sleep well if we go to bed angry.
I agree, all my issues stemmed from when we were BOTH super tired, which comes after long stretches at work, induced by two month long stretches when we are both robbed of our last iota of strength from continued massive over-time at work. (We both work at extremely high pressure / high responsibility workplaces.) There are always problems to handle, but provided one of us is not exhausted to an inch of his/her life, we can always handle it and appreaciate that the other person is exhausted and acting out of the ordinary. However, when both of us are exhausted, then it becomes the problem and then trying to "communicate" is the ticket down the drain. Women have uncanny emotional intelligence and they keep an itemized exact list of every single one of your actions that hurt them in the past since they met you, and will throw this complete list on your head in such circumstances. She can go back 25 years, day and minute precision retrieve all the pain she suffered, yet, can't recall a single time when she caused me pain or discomfort. With cool heads the situation is very different, no blaming, 100% planning. There's always time for talking, and when I was younger I thought everything needs to be talked through with your partner. And it did work for the first 10 years, fabulously. But now, after 25 years, I have realized that it was the key that has led to her total loss of sexual interest. If I could restart again - much more doing, and way, way way less talking. If she is in need, listen to her. If I am in need - I have to work it out! She is not a counselor. Even though she wants you to share your painful moments and difficulties, if you succumb then you go down to becoming her BROTHER instead of her LOVER. You need to maintain your status as a MAN, who toughens up when the going gets hard.
I agree that that is some of the worst pop psychology advice given to couples. There's another reason - one or the other will be more resistant to the effects of sleep deprivation. Once that's figured out, and it won't take long, arguments will then just be a matter of the less susceptible partner (probably her) waiting out the more susceptible partner. There is a reason the CIA uses sleep deprivation as an "interrogation" technique.
Please stop using this introvert thing to explain everything. It has gotten out of hand. No one likes what you just described. Being introverted does not dictate who you are, it's just a small, mostly meaningless thing that people use as an excuse to not do difficult things they dont like. Do more difficult things! It's good for you
This goes back to one of the key quotes I've taken from the online community. You will never be good enough for the wrong person. They will just keep moving the goalposts. There are some women that nothing makes them happy. Trying to save them is like a person drowning and panicking. Your best option is to throw them a flotation device. You get too close and they will just pull you down with them
Very well put. Gone through this one time to many. At this point of my life, I've decided to concentrate on myself and not try to save or entertain another being who is constantly unhappy no matter what you do for them.
You'd be surprised at how many men do this too. Running one's mouth without doing anything is typical of the weak, and being a loser is a gender less thing. As a man, I obviously notice particularly women doing this, but the moment you start working on an impartial view of things, you start noticing that it really goes both ways.
Actions speak louder that words. That being said, my man and I enjoy discussing all sorts of topics that have nothing to do with the relationship. It's great to have intellectual discussions. Talking is not only about conflicts, issues, complaints, etc.
Yeah it really just depends on the couple not all are that connected. Oftentimes the woman is looking to get offended 😂. Lazy vetting on us guys part for sure. Problem is there are so few decent women it's either that or go at it alone. Neither is a great option
@@JoseDiaz-rd9fh The older I get, the more I realize that people shouldn't even couple up unless there is a solid foundation of good, intimate, enjoyable communication before anything else.
This was my first thought when first seeing the title of the video , but after watching the clip I don't think he meant no talking about anything at all, but moreso the "we need to talk" relationship oriented talking.
@@docmadhattan He even says in the video that he would be perfectly happy to have a woman who didn't understand his language at all and vice versa. He says that he can have intellectual discussions with other people outside of the intimate relationship and that a partner's most important role is for sex. Kinda weird in my opinion because I can't build an intimate relationship without meaningful conversation with a man.
@@LisaCulton I think he was just using that as an example, to underscore that speech isn't the only form of communication and that it's possible for healthy individuals to have good relationships without the need to talk. I agree with him there. What matters more is the underlying connection that two people have energetically, and that foundation of trust can definitely be built without words. Not entirely different than how we have mutual communication with animals and house pets.
Our hunter gatherer ancestors agree with you, if hunter gatherers these days are a judge of that. They often say that while they like the people that live with them for long periods of time to study them they talk too much.
Another genius post. Realized this last year. It’s definitely the culture to push talking as a solution. Probably why all social “movements” are mostly lip service. No action, just air.
@@sp123 yeah, like "talking your way out of it". Tis might be unrelated, but yes sometimes there is a problem, and "explaining" or "talking about it" can just be an ALTERNATIVE to actual change. While yes, first you need to talk and recognise whats the problem, but then there should be stop and next step is action
@@lindaaltnurme6730-- Agreed. I've worked in places where talking about a problem was considered to be taking action. When a discussion was winding down I'd interject something like, "Ok, so what are the objective, observable, measurable changes we're making?" This did not make me popular.....😂😂😂😂😂😂
I would make the argument that therapy allows a patient to allow their feelings and concerns to form into words, which in turn allows the therapist to interpret that information and provide help. That is the relationship between patient and therapist. In a romantic or sexual relationship, the premise of the relationship is some mix of sex, comfort, and companionship. "Talking" only goes so far, and only serves to communicate information based on dissatisfaction, as Doc so eloquently put. "Doing" is what fundamentally matters for a relationship to endure.
2nd that! Dr. Taraban has been making politically incorrect, but honest, observations in this series pretty regularly for a couple of years now. The conventional wisdom tends to prevail in psychology, just as it does in many other close-knit professions. Going against the grain, backing up his contrarian positions w/ both clinical and "real life" evidence, takes a lot of courage. Respect!
I had an awesome female psychologist for about a year, she really absolutely got that. Thing is, I was in my early thirties and she was about 60 years old. She had three adult sons. She only told me this during our last session... But I knew without knowing. I've never been so much at ease talking to a woman. I feel like in order to actually help adult men, female psychologists must have raised a son into adulthood.
I've always been kind of quiet person, introvert, bulliedin high school. But several people, especially women, told me to talk or say things I think. That really pissed me off, they think I'm creep or something because I don't talk about everything. I told them many times: "Peple should do more, and especially listen, listen what's important, instead of just waiting for their time to talk".
Thanks! That was one of the best and most informative videos you've posted, my friend. And I have seen them all. I salute your wit and brevity as they perfectly compliment your professionalism. Now if I can only get my wife to watch this...
There is so much value in this short talk. This is exactly what I’m experiencing at work- endless meetings about the same unacceptable behaviour and no change.
It takes a deeper understanding of the human nature to understand what you’re saying. Most people are not able to. Instead of understanding the entire message, they get stuck with a controversial sentence or two. Very good video. Thank you ❤
I lived once in a Buddhist Zen Center. I also dated a man who became my husband. We all learned meditation there, and ate our meals in silence, did our practices in silence. There was no compulsion to verbalize. It actually was beautiful, and the feeling of intimacy with my man, and even with others, was very real and solid. I totally get, that he could be perfectly happy in a relationship with (the right) woman even if she didn't speak English.
compulsion to verbalize is often the problem but in order to overcome it, it is often easier to talk and get to know each other first, and then to relax in each other's silent company. There are pople with whom it is pleasant to be silent, and others that create discomfort through silence. It's like one can hear the cogs moving, but no words are coming out of their mouth, and it can become a torture.
Yes I've been saying this for years. Its the reason most "therapy" is an abysmal failure: people spend decades going to a talk therapist once a week to talk about their feelings rather than take 5 min and fix their problems. It's uncomfortable because often the problems lie within and people don't want to admit that they have faults.
Therapists are incentivized to keep customers coming back (yes, everyone who pays for a good or service is a customer). It’s asking too much of a person in a capitalist system to make choices that would lower their potential income, even if only in the short term, like telling a customer that they can be self sufficient.
Therapists talk about "breakthroughs" which means the talking is meant to help you discover problems / uncover issues. Which goes back to what Psychhacks was saying, talking doesn't change intent. Therapy works when you go in with the intention that things are going to get better, and you just need to figure out how to do it. Going to therapy has to be an admission that things have to change, otherwise it's just wasting money.
You totally deviated the point of the video, when he says that talking is overrated he is talking about relationships. You cant change a grown adult just by talking. In term of therapy its totally useful to talk because talking will helps you to discover things that were in your unconscious. Plus, letting out the problems which you cant be open about it outside the therapy sphere is actually healthy. What you basically say is "stop talking, do it bro" but therapy actually exists because its sadly not that easy
My parents were together 54 years and the only reason their marriage ended was my father passing away. He told me the key to a good marriage and solving problems is to get around a table and talk it through. My life experience has also taught me talking isn't just about solving a problem. It's reaching a mutual agreement to walk away from each other. The later being better than years and years of misery. 🤔
That only works when the partner is willing to be fair and balanced, to hear and support you, rather than her getting offended at any critique or need, flipping it around to attack, guilt, shame you, misinterpret you, and deny anything is wrong with her. Then you get dragged to counseling so a third party can also be used to guilt, manipulate, you Then when you try to tell her how you feel, she says your feelings aren’t real, your mind is messed up, you are ‘abusing’ her, and on and on. Not hypothetical.
All of this requires an agreeable partner. Have an unagreeable partner? Get rid of them. Time spent with unagreeable people only leads to regret. I think this is your best talk ever doc.
Not sure I'm on board with that sentiment. I spend time with disagreeable people and am a bit argumentative myself...I think its a case of iron sharpens iron - I've had so much personal growth and relationship growth by tackling something I disagree with that I wouldn't say it only lead to regret. Men tend to be less agreeable than women which will factor in also.
@@lyndonbauer1703 But it sounds like you disagree based on the merit of the point. Truly disagreeable people, like people who have personality disorders such as NPD or ASPD can disagree with anything and everything just to be difficult. They turn everything into a competition that they have to 'win'. They're truly incompatible as partners with everyone because they don't understand what a partnership really is and what it requires. They lack empathy, remorse, compassion, reciprocity, the concept of fairness, the humility to admit when they are wrong and to apologize, etc. In those cases especially, talking with them never gets anywhere.
The most creative people I've known have been critical thinkers, at times often disagreeable, always searching for understanding and common ground, parsing differences while creating new points of view and ideas.
For men, talking about feelings is a means to solve the relationship problem and accomplish the goal. (If they even talk about them or acknowledge them at all.) For women, talking about feelings IS the goal.
Talking is Overrated: 100% agreed with your clear explanation. This is true for me as I see couples who always need to talk about issues end up with more issues and more need to talk about them!!!😅 In relationship with friends, family, even colleagues, I now only prefer talking about logistics and planning discussion, don't like long meeting to talk about problems without any realistic solutions. I'd rather be present with them, share food and simple or deep conversations, getting work done. Great advice: Be & Recognize a good partner with kindness, loyalty, tenderness, sensuality, patience, positivity, generosity, prioritization, connection, thru actions and general attitude towards life (no words needed, focus on sensing one's energy, observing one's actions & behaviors)
Even better - learning how to notice they are hurting each other, and doing something about it *without* needing to talk about it. If they keep doing things that hurt the other person until they get told to stop, that’s quite the problem on its own isn’t it?
I find talking to be essential to the success of a relationship. Every problem that crops up gets talked out, and as such there's no resentment on either side, because both parties understand each other's perspectives better after the conversation and care enough about the other person to be considerate, while recognizing that you don't always need to agree on everything. The key is to tackle each problem calmly and cooperatively as soon as it appears, to avoid building up resentment and frustration. Cleaning up the mess of unresolved negative emotions that you've let build up and fester and grow for years is no fun. Regular maintenance is needed for the longevity of the relationship.
@@devcron7041 you are welcome :) Key take away from the video for me was: talking can be experienced as a form of punishment when you engage in the conversation with the wrong attitude and use force. So you do need to guard against that. I take great care to ensure that every time me and my partner talk out problems, it is voluntary that we talk (since we both understand the need to talk out problems, we always talk it out, but if one was not convinced, then first there is a need to discuss the theory behind relationships and how to maintain them), which also means the timing is voluntary (if someone isn't ready yet, give them time and space). On top of that, we both come to the discussion with opinions that are held tentatively, ready to learn, in order to form a shared understanding (our perspective is merely our perspective, and neither perspective is the whole picture, so you shouldn't impose your perspective on your partner, rather let your perspective complement that of your partner and vice versa). I take the happiness of my partner as my personal responsibility and vice versa. Above all, honesty and transparency are key. Also, criticism ≠ insult. It's all about the intentions and emotions behind it. You can tell if someone is critical of you but does not want to hurt you. As Christians we live by Jesus' principle of reverse reciprocity: don't do to others that which you don't want done to yourself. Also, to love my partner as I love myself. I set the tone for this way of being in a relationship and my partner follows; it takes two to tango. We're very happy together. :)
@@truthmatters7573 yupp talking dosent need to be a form a punishment it should be a way to.explain how u felt when they did something and understand ur position and perspective, and they would also nees to be self reflective about their behavior and u should also listen to why they do that behavior and if they are unable to change it because of trauma or specific reasons
yeah, and while talking isn't the only form of communication, when used correctly, it's definitely _explicit_ in a way most other forms of communication really aren't, helping to really understand other people in greater depth and detail than we would be able to without it. but you're not gonna solve ineffective talking with _more_ ineffective talking which seems to be the issue
exactly I like to share funny things that happened that only they would get and hear about stuff they think is funny its not all about problems I like to share something I read or hear about what happened to them during the day etc its the little conversations about ordinary things just sharing the joy of the first bloom of a rose all the little things that make it a relationship
Talking IS overwhelming at times. Silence, too can be just as bad or worse. Don't try to resolve what really doesn't need resolving. Enjoy the sunsets saying little. The key to a relationship is RESPECT and Love ❤️ in THAT order
I like how you’re a normal, non-academic sounding psychologist. You’re like a human who’s lived a regular life with the knowledge and insight of psychology.
Yes!! I agree so much with this. I dated two therapists in a row and they both had this belief that regular talk therapy will fix all of their problems. I couldn't be more different. My dad raised me on the words: "Show me don't tell me". I understand a balance is preferred, but in general people talk too much and act too little.
I appreciate this so much. I was married to a therapist, and he would get so frustrated with me. He would say I make him feel like a failure, because he works with people all day, and tries to do the same to me, and I would respond shut down. Well, I wasn’t his client. I didn’t want a bunch of talking about what was wrong with me. I wanted love, which involved peace and contentment.
You should have listened to a man who knows about mind works. Your love and contentment might have felt quite opposite to your partner. And this is not simple, it is very complex in general. No universal simple advice works for everybody all the time.
@@demongo0 Someone who's job is to treat others problems will always look for those problems in others. To solve his personal issues he should have pay a visit to some other therapist (because he himself might be the real cause of the issue).
I dated a therapist for about a year, then a break, then again for nearly 6 months. Neither of us really could put a finger on why we stopped seeing each other the first time... ...it just fizzled out, almost amicably. Weird. Ever stranger that we got back together at a concert and just "picked up where we left off." Then I realised, when she said months later, "I just can't figure you out. There are so many layers that I want to explore." I remember that verbatim. She was talking about decisions that I had made in the past -- being an expat, going to unpopular vacation spots (Iran, for one), learning uncommon languages (Serbian, etc) -- not what my roadmap was for the future. Aaaah, then it hit us, I was her boyfriend second; but I was her project first. Well, at least now we both understood (one of probably a few reasons) why it didn't work out. We again parted amicably. Probably strange for both of us.
A therapist that says you make them feel like a failure is a terrible therapist 😂 1. shifting responsibility for their state onto someone else 2. Not able to differentiate between thoughts and feelings. he was thinking he was a failure he might have all sorts of different feelings in relation to that belief.
Once again Dr. Orion, spot on. My experience has been that no matter how much you talk to someone intent on destroying every lil thing they built, that's what they'll do.
Misaligned values it happens all the time. When we meet someone we find physically attractive we tend to project all kinds of other qualities they often do not possess. You can work on getting better at sex but misaligned values will kill every relationship every time.
like yeah he doesn't need to talk to a woman, he wants other things from a woman. I don't know if his take good or not. i think communication is overrated but not because partners don't need to talk. it's overrated cause it's not gonna fix the serious problems however, it can fix a lot of misunderstaning, fix a lot of small problems and leading to both happier. I can't imagine how i can feel content with a partner that cant even talking about serious decisions that as a couple should take together cause of langauge berrier, for example.
@@NamgangSrifah I think he is mainly referring to not talking about issues, not other things. Other things are fine. And his comment about her not having to speak english was probably more a joke than anything. At least I hope that is the case lol.
@@FudgeYeahAmerica I'm going on a binge of his channel because i'm one semester from my undergrad psych degree and he surprises me that he got a psy d. He does have a bachelors in drama but other than that his credentials seem legit and it baffles me sometimes that his co-students didn't ostracize him
@@mahikannakiham2477 what's other things in this case? You mean the "He doesn't need to talk to a woman" part or my "a couple should take serious decision together" Well, anyway, I still think there're a lot of things can fix by communication. (And a lot can't) Ps. I watch his other videos and I doubt it's a joke (Not saying he believes what he said as in he really would, but I think it meant it as serious)
In my last relationship, my girlfriend wanted to have a WEEKLY sit-down where we could talk about the issues in the relationship and air our grievances (as suggested by her therapist!). After 2 conversations, we couldn't find anything to talk about so she would actually think hard about something that bothered her. After that I would refuse to do those talks and she couldn't figure out why I didn't want to have a conversation where someone is going out of their way to find ways to criticize me. I ended up breaking up with her months later. Any amount of complaining, airing of grievances, criticism is going to take an emotional toll on your partner, so it's best to pick your battles and think carefully about what issues are worth talking about. Talking about issues for the sake of talking is not the solution.
@@kocerarif It isn't my sentece, I was just citing dr. Orion Taraban, he said that at one point during the video. I think the meaning of the sentence is that talking about something is easier than actually doing it; it takes less effort and people tend to idealize and imagine things according to their wishes. Similarly, it is easier to imagine something than to accept the truth, which sometimes proves to be quite harsh and totally different from our mental images.
It is true but maybe not only in a negative way. Most people talk, but how many people talk things that really mean practical solutions? Maybe problem is not so much talking but what people say?
The last thing you said about the choice between the relationship and the problem really scared me I must confess because, it's and issue that I can only imagine being solved by talking, this I'm yet to ponder weather that is the right approach, but I fear that the problem is stronger than the relationship as its been a problem long before we met and although it has became less of a problem since we got together it is still ongoing, I don't want to loose her and I'm not willing to walk away and I'm scared
"only a small part of the problems can really be solved by talking about them and in many cases talking about the problem becomes a problem in and of itself" This comment doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. It also applies to a lot of the recent malaise affecting democratic political systems in the western tradition.
@@JJ-vp3bd Things only get better when both parties want it to get better. With most political problems, this is not often the case. There are some countries outside the west where the mentality is different: you teach the children to be good citizens first, and then this idea of freedom comes later. In the west there is too much emphasis on freedom and not enough on the preconditions for freedom. And then there are some countries which have neither of these things, and they end up as dictatorships which gives the concept of a dictatorship a very bad name.
Action speaks louder. I’d rather observe the action than talking about it. I tend to write to communicate when I really do want to say something. It helps with organizing thoughts and clarity. It also leaves a trail to re-examine later.
You can't take effective action without clarity of your goal or direction. I think some people have a problem with clarity and they think talking will bring it about.
I think the thesis is an oversimplification. Being able to communicate well verbally is vital to many relationships, romantic and others. It's like the software for the hardware (actions). Dwelling on the issues that plague a given relationship via endless conversations without the willingness to make the necessary adjustments is an entirely different matter. Having a partner you can't talk to is like having a dog or cat - being human involves communicating via words. I don't trust people who talk excessively or that don't say the right things at all. There has to be a balance, like in everything in life. Besides: your thoughts create your words, your words create your actions, your actions create your destiny.
I completely agree. Having a partner you can talk to about the things that are important to you, whether they are good or bad, is key to a successful relationship. And it’s also just nice to talk with your partner about what life
I think it would be better to say you should be conservative with verbal communication. It should only be used when necessary. It's very similar to a view the Buddhists have to not use pointless speech. Humor and small talk are parts of the human experience, and have a point. You don't have to talk about everything, and you shouldn't.
This is so true. Had issues with lack of sex as I was concerned with my wife… discussed it plenty. Finally on a walk one day with my wife she asked to talk about it again… I said No not going to do this anymore. She was like… you don’t want to talk about it, again I said no and walked away. At that point, what was the point. Things are better now😀 You can talk about what and when to cook dinner all day long… but if you don’t get down to cooking something it doesn’t happen. As in My FAIR lady. “Words words words words…. Show me! If you love someone it shows in your actions😀
I’m imagining that you just, like, didn’t really feel vulnerable enough to tell her why you had issues with a lack of sex? I feel like if you actually had healthy communication, then you’d be able to talk about splitting up due to a lack of both your needs being met rather than just running away from the problem yk
@@devcron7041 he said things are better now. So it seems like the communication thing didn’t work, but letting go of the issue did. This sounds about right. Consider the tension that would grow if you’re constantly complaining about sex. Like who wants to have sex with someone who’s always complaining about you? The more you point out what someone is not doing in bed the less you’re into them. It would also build stress because you feel like you’re not doing enough. Overall making sex unappealing.
Interesting. While anything can be overdone, some people's love language needs to talk to feel a connection at all. But I see your point too. I'm def. going to think on this.
Excellent video about something practiced by so many women in my experience and used almost always to control a Man. 'We need to talk'...must be dreaded by so many Men because they think 'Shit, what have I done now?', and that is what many women want Men to feel.
@Mandy Mikulka Learning to act in such a way so as to prevent conflict from arising is a higher ideal than learning to have a "healthy dialogue" about it.
We introverts know this! My most deep and interesting relationships use far fewer "what is" kind of conversations, and lean much more on feelings and expressions of appreciation.
Talking can be very effective if you know what questions to ask and how. People can talk in circles for years without getting to the heart of something. I learned about my immediate family more from a day of talking to my emotionally intelligent aunt about my parents than I did from years of talking to my parents.
@@meetuchendu I learned that not even my parents blamed me morally for the extensive trauma they caused me. That it originated from their own faults and not mine (this part they wouldn't admit but she did to an extent). It helped me get back a lot of dignity I lost and improved my mental health.
Had a relationship with a compulsive overthinking overcommunicator who would go over the same little thing for literally several hours again and again in a loop. She wouldn't let me leave the conversation and would follow me if I left. Then I'd have to break up with her just to end the conversation which would spiral her into even more discussion. Then I'd say "your only move right now to save this is to stop talking and let me take a breather". She couldn't fathom the idea of not discussing to death something that's bothering her. It was hell on Earth
Talking is a means to negotiation, to get what you need or desire. Since you don't get what you want, you need to explain it in a way that the other can understand. This is why practice what you preach is a real thing. It shows you stand behind the words you say. It shows the values and boundaries, so its easy to copy afterwards (if that's what needed). So down the line, its not the words you use that carry the meaning, its the trust in the doing that makes the words meaningful. If you feel a need to talk a lot, it means that there is meaningless interaction going on for reasons. Ergo, talking is a coping mechanism for a need or want unmet. It is unavoidable, since we're all different people no matter how much we're trying to be alike. We cannot satisfy our partner's need at every whim, as it may come at the cost of our self regulation if we did. That is why negotiation is the only type of talk that is actually needed, as you lay bare what you have to offer, and what you'd prefer to have in return. The last step in this, is to find a rhythm that satisfies the needs, and preferibly, the wants as well. Talking is a punishment if you're blind to the needs of your partner. That's called emotional unavailability.
"Tip me in proportion to the value derived from this episode" Man the value is so high. I experienced all you said and thank you for organizing and elaborating it or else even with experience I would not learn anything.
As a man currently dating a beautiful feminine woman from Taiwan that is new to learning english this helps me. There's a part of me that is still keeping my options open simply because her and I can't have complex convo's. I naturally overanalyze and psychoanalyze everything in a relationship, so maybe keeping things verbally simple is a underestimated blessing.
Thank you so much, Dr Taraban. You should have a million subscribers. Everyone needs to hear your message. You are so right, talking can potentially make things worse as talking can become a punishment. 6:20 "Good relationships are about enjoying who your partner is, not about changing them into who you want them to be".
@Mandy Mikulka I think Dr Taraban's point is that women shouldn't use talking as a way to punish a man, e.g. trying to change a man, or moaning and complaining at the man for being himself. Talking shouldn't be used as a weapon. Dr Taraban makes a very important point and if people listen to him, I am pretty sure they will live much happier and satisfying relationships.
@Mandy Mikulka There is a great lecture on You Tube from a famous British philosopher called Alain de Botton on the meaning of love. And he said something like, real love is loving someone despite them having imperfections and flaws. I guess the point he was making is that all successful marriages are imperfect because all husbands and wives are imperfect, but their love is so strong they find a way to get along and tolerate each others imperfections and flaws. I guess the key is finding the right person whose imperfections you are happy to put up with (because ultimately, no one is perfect, and therefore, to some extent, everyone who wants to be in a long term relationship will need to settle and get used to the other person's imperfections and flaws).
@Mandy Mikulka If this is true about women, but not true about men, then she should talk to her girlfriends to feel heard. Kurt Vonnegut used to say that the problem with modern relationships is that women used to have 500 other women to talk to, and men used to have 500 other men to do things with. Instead of finding a community, women want to use a man to talk, and men want to use a woman to do things with.
@Mandy Mikulka, Personally, I find talking to women rather boring. They rarely get to the point, beat around the bush, and tire the daylights out of me. Occasionally, the conversation involves the woman viciously talking ill about other women.
Just when I thought talking was critical in my current relationship. I agree with your analysis. But something’s have to be discussed, roles and responsibilities, boundaries, goals for the future. I think you’re referring to when friction arises, at which point tough decisions are made and when talk is usually cheap here.
I agree after you get to a certain point in a relationship you know when talks are going to be productive or if your just dealing with a nagasaurus Rex. As he stated the "we need to talk" thing is always the airing of grievances or something else but it's never anything positive.
OMG, I've thought this my whole life but never heard it spelled out. People think talking is the cure for everything, but so often it's a guilt-free punishment one person inflicts on another disguised as relationship improvement. The "talker" usually wants to get her way by exhausting the person who doesn't want to talk.
“Taking is punishment that enshrines the problem “ - a bit like object fixation in aviation - or , if you are skiing the trees , look at the gaps , not the trunks , because that’s where you want to go , you go to where you look and focus - taking about “me” and “my” problems ( feelings can be problems here ) only makes them more of a central focus - a bit perhaps like fractal geometric measurements- the more you measure something the longer it gets ( the English coastline for example ) , Orion , thank you for “talking “ so much sense . Silence is golden
On this point I completely agree with you. As with so many other things I regret that I had to grow old to realize how overrated talking can be. Especially hard for an extrovert like me who loves to talk.
A guy I like would yell at me “stop talking about it” or “things would get better if you had just stopped talking about it months ago.” We went around and around about it for months and I think it’s because I felt attacked and criticized. Yet here you are explaining it so peacefully and in a way that feels ok. Much easier to process. I completely agree that spending time doing, sharing experiences, creating memories…is the anecdote to avoid all the talking.
Please don't just accept the abuse from your boyfriend just because Orion made a video justifying lack of communication. Yelling at you and blaming the problems on you because talk about them is wrong on his part.
Sometimes people don't realize there doing something wrong until it's brought to thier attention(myself included). If i have to talk to someone about something, and they refuse to change, it's at that point I'll have to decide to either drop the issue or decide whether the relationship is worth continuing if the problem is serious enough.
In my experience if a woman says "We need to talk" usually it's followed with something that implies, you need to change or else. & I usually make an effort to improve for the sake of the relationship. However it never works the other way. Woman operate from the position that there is nothing wrong with them therefore the problem is you.
I have another way of approaching this. Rather than lead with talking, I FIRST decide whether the problem is serious enough to make the relationship worth continuing. If not, I don't talk about it, and instead examine why it is such an issue for me. If it is, I do talk about it, but it's a 30-second conversation.
@@psychacks so you do realize you are advocating the consideration of quitting fiest before talking out the priblem? Im just checking to make sure i understand what youre saying. So the very first problem we should think quit first and then talk later if we are really feeling it???
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion I think he's advocating for not wasting time, emotion & resources. If he is correct in his observations, that talking about a problem without actually do anything about said problem, then what's the point? I would imagine that if you're in a relationship with someone that genuinely desires the relationship to be mutually fulfilling, then you talk about it, because they are more likely to consider your thoughts, reasons & or "feelings" & comply or at least make an effort to. If you're in a relationship with someone that is completely self centered & believes the relationship should be self-serving, then why talk about the issue or problem? Nothing is going to come from it. After reading this, I think too much of my baggage may be showing in this reply. 🤣😭
I recall my ex wanted to have a serious talk while I was driving fast through the city. She wanted me to apologize to her for some minor transgression. Her mantra was communication will solve everything. I didn't say sorry, because I didn't felt any wrongdoing on my behalf. So I drove in silence contemplating that she is an almost total stranger to me, that all this mental masturbation about relationships is utter clap talk, that she was just parroting some Instagram feel good quotes about life and being together, I was longing for pastoral tranquility in nature, peace in solitude, free of her agency and influence on my will.
Feels like you're describing my sister. Parroting from instagram. The influence on my will? Sounds exactly likd her. 1 day she told me that man in the past treated women like queens and basically expected me to act like that towards her. Laughable.
@@samuelbeatsminecraft2049 If every woman in your city is a queen, what is the value of a queen? 😝 And should men get some of that equality and also be treated like queens? I bet she’s a feminist, right?
"Because I know when 'we need to talk' we gotta talk about some shit that *I* gotta do. We don't ever talk about something *SHE* needs to do!" -Dave Chappelle
As a very verbal mom, who is raising kids, I completely agree. I only realized this after raising little talking machines!!! Kids are mirrors. Choosing peace, choosing my pace in problem solving, and spending time bonding, even being affectionate are all better ways to problem solve. I.e. hugging my angry child rather than saying I'm here for you.
When in a relationship you intend to keep: 1) pick your battles - keep quiet about everything but the crucial things you require: respect, affection, attention, cooperation 2) teach your partner how to treat you by a) acting the way you’d like to be treated; b) finding a neutral moment when you’re engaged in a task or walk together to bring up a behavior you’d like to see changed, by saying “honey, in future, when X happens, I’d like you to do Y as that would help me feel (insert here: loved/ respected/ important to you)”. End of discussion.; c) immediately speak up for yourself and remove yourself from the situation if partner’s behavior goes against your core values (respect, safety): “this is not OK, I deserve better, I’m out of here.” That said, one ends up tolerating or fighting to moderate a lot more when economically enmeshed with someone whose behaviors become more undesirable over time and negatively affect your children. Since leaving the partner would also negatively affect the children, one is forced to either bid for understanding, or employ mental trickery to keep partner’s behavior non-traumatizing to family members.
I will also say, anything people tend to change for others is kept on a mental scorecard, and as soon as it needs to be retrieved, it will be resurrected to show HOW MUCH they've done for you. Take people as they are, grow with them, or dont take them at all. No ultamatums, no trying to get them to see the world your way and no force. ❤❤❤❤
You have an Interesting and unexpected position on this topic. I am in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t speak much english. Although there are difficulties, because of this, the relationship has been very smooth because she has the qualities that make a good partner. As a generally stoic individual, it is refreshing to only have to address the truly important things. Patiently awaiting your book Dr. Taraban 🙏🏾
Maybe your stance is coloured by your job which consists of a lot of talking (and especially about other people's problems and emotions, which can be draining, moreso for introverts), so that in your leisure time in an intimate relationship you prefer non-verbal aspects of life as an antidote.
I love how this was well said and what i've been needing to hear for a long time. Your short talk videos have been the type of information I've been desiring for and helping me better understand my past relationship mistakes or why certain things occurred. Bless your soul.
Another insightful video. Thanks Dr. The underlying approach is always, do what works and avoid what does not work. What works and what does not work is determined by the outcomes that are being sought. Actions communicate far clearer than words.
This is music to my ears. I've had a handful of situations in the past few months where the go to solution is "talking" it out. When in reality, talking just made everything worse and those who have wronged others with their behavior end up venting and trying to justify their behavior without remorse. I think people rely on talking as a "solution" because that idea is reinforced. Talking only works when both parties are self-critical and are willing to change.
I once saw a couple in a series it was based on real people. He was english, she was spanish. They had been married for 2 decades and never spoke the same language.
This was a necessity for thousands of years. Mating in one's small village/community would lead to hereditary diseases; so arranging marriages out of that village/community was required from time to time. Often this meant joining a tribe with a different culture/language. If this were not possible, we probably wouldn't have gotten very far as a species.
Wouldn't work for me. I'd feel very lonely if I couldn't talk to her and get feedback. Besides if they haven't learnt each others languages for 20 years they are kinda dimwits.
"Language is largely made to show-off, gossip, confuse people, delude them, charm them, seduce them, scare them, and exploit them. And, as a side effect, convey information. Just a side effect, you fools." -NN Taleb
Short story: The more compatible you are, the less relevant language becomes. The less compatible you are, the more information is needed to convey whatever you find valuable to share. Full INcompatibility would mean that you're talking with words or actions that carry no meaning to the other conversational partners. Information is only a side-effect in the sense that you must come to an agreement to what is really happening. Otherwise its always a 'you vs me kind' of scenario and you couldn't tell apart if you're struggling to understand the signals, or the values that are represented by the signals. Long(er) story: I generally agree, but this also hides a far bigger issue. If you're an extremely competent person, other people who do not share wisdom or the competency itself, cannot recognise the impact. This essentially means the more competent/intelligent you are, the more language is needed to convey the intended impact, as it would make anyone else insecure. Its an unpredictable thing for the incompetent, after all and by enacting on your competency, you're taking control away from them. So if you really want to make an impact as a competent person, you'll be villified. Conveying information means you have to process reality through that information. Most people cannot handle that amount of boundaries or such tight ones.. Reality is often too harsh and seemingly contradictory. So talking in what's important, fun and feely is far more sensible, but also causes a boundary where one becomes blind to the value someone else represents because they're so far apart either emotionally or competence-wise because it cannot be understood or expressed. This boundary is the personality-character boundary, where people are unable to see your personality (intentions), but do see how you impact them (character). From that perspective, we can rephrase your quote to: "Language is mainly for the characters among us. Language for the soul is a side-effect."
I disagree. Although the problem of having too many distressing serious conversations is real, some things are difficult to communicate without words. It does not have to be an overly serious and dramatic discussion where you say "we need to talk" and then sit down and painfully go over the problems. A lot of times a quick couple of sentences can release hurt feelings that otherwise would have led to weeks of passive aggression. In addition, conversation (the fun kind) is how I feel closer to someone. Learning about someones inner thoughts and opinions, talking about a shared interest, even having a friendly debate over something we disagree upon, all of these build a deep connection. There is a place for silent companionship, but that cannot be all a relationship is, at least for me. I couldn't have a partner who wasn't also a friend.
On point. Interesting how men's need for sex in marriage must be honored but women's need for talk and deeper communication does not need to. Then don't be surprised about the "walk away wife" syndrome.
I supported my wife and family for three decades. My wife and I had a disagreement. She demanded we discuss an issue. She argued for 9 hours. I refused to agree with her. She phoned 911 and accused me of domestic violence. Washington has a must arrest law. I left. She got a restraining order and I never saw my home, vehicles, pets, children again, she emptied our bank accounts and I was destituted. Court was fine with her emptying our bank accounts and demanded that I pay her my entire gross salary. Without my tools of my trade I lost my job. The sheriff served me the divorce papers and gun point because wife falsely indicated that I had brandished. $15,000 of our taxpayer funds are given the court for every false domestic violence restraining order they fabricate. Many of my God given rights were taken from me. No due process.
It's genuinely good advice. W0men will likely have a harder time applying it than men since it's in their nature to talk everything out, even to the determent of the relationship itself sometimes.
The statement “talking doesn’t solve issues” is like saying “driving to Taco Bell doesn’t make you have Taco Bell right in front of you this very instant”. Yeah, of course it’s not going to solve issues alone. But if you literally never talk about things then you’re never going to actually reach the destination you guys both want to go to. Expecting otherwise is like expecting taco bell to magically materialize in front of you if you just thought about it a lot
@@jerryjessup9192 Nobody can be sure what the doctor really meant :) Interpretations in such vast subjects as generic behaviour patterns or generic life strategies are the only way to digest.
Look. I learnt a new language to be able to talk things over with .y girlfriend and understand well etc. But one of my biggest personal problems is fixating on all the negative things ive gone through in the past and most times just overthinking and hell yes I want to talk things over to clear things up but all that talking and trying to get all the points in is really the punishment for both her and me. And this is the only time I have even seen that because of this video.i thought my language wasn't good or my translating bad but it's not that. It's me! Besides as the good doctor said if this time or in the past you didn't choose well then that too weighs in on your relationship. Primarily 1) choose well 2) be in the present and enjoy the opportunity of a relationship (as people say- the journey) if stuff comes up in the enjoyment the urky feeling for resolution will stick out like a sore thumb but still over talking it will be a punishment. 3) remember you're a human and all humans are different and therefore be patient cause a relationship is just that( re-la-ting) 4) if it's so critical still give it time or come to a resolution. If you chose well and don't have the type of relationship that the talking is a constant enshrining of negatives in your relationship then things will go well. 5) after doing your vetting don't go into a relationship like you go to a dealer to do a test drive. Own it. Be an adult and accept responsibility for your purchase. A relationship is not a dress you can return after you've seriously done your research and taken your time to choose etc etc etc
I say that discussion opens the door for reciprocal action, and that’s why talking is important.. but the problem doesn’t get fixed at the talking, it never does
My wife and I have stopped talking about our day at the end of it. She is a principal and often as something crappy happen, for a long time we would say one or two things about the day as we made dinner. This helped us reconnect and get on the same page. But with kids and busy schedules it was adding to the stress of our evening. To be exact we had a conversation about stopping that conversation, I didn't just want to stop asking her about her day as I get home before her and have her wonder why I stopped asking.
Talking in a relationship is the woman dumping all the garbage on the man and the man has to suck it up. She likes it and he does not want to talk and she does not understand why since it works for her.
@@nk1645 Yep, we texted a lot as you might imagine and one went through my phone and ratted me out to the other. Better to not commit things to writing.
This might sound odd coming from a therapist, but talking -- especially in the context of intimate relationships -- is overrated. While talking is the most effective strategy for dealing with some issues (e.g., logistics), it is woefully inadequate for solving most of the problems encountered in relationships. In fact, to the extent that talking changes behavior, this is often due to the punitive nature of talking, as opposed to the understanding that talking seems to provide. Furthermore, nearly everything that people seek out in their relationships can be communicated non-verbally.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #communication
Is your next video gonna be about keeping your pimp hand strong with your woman?
It would fit quite nicely after the "women are only good for sex" and "be pretty and shut up" videos you just made.
It's like you're doing psychology hacks for pimps.
@@VixxKong2 wolves in sheep's clothing. Although I hate using religious examples, sometimes they are the most fitting for what's on display
Aw hell, I am bad with body language and very far behind in socialisation. Maybe I should just not bother with dating at all.
talking is overrated...
if you don't know how to talk
@@VixxKong2 devils advocate: if your social life is good enough, then both men and women don't "neeeeeeed" a partner for talking/ as a friend/ etc...
...
but i'd say you should want to be a friend of your partner... you should be able to talk about things...
don't "we need to talk", that's not a talk, that's preaching
do 'so i noticed you doing X, that makes me feel Y'
(say the behavior "X", try to find a way of saying things that makes it... non-judgmental, without a value judgement attached)
"Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. You see, the problem is communication.
Too much communication."
- Homer J. Simpson
Dear god Homer knew something we didn't.
Dude could afford a home on a single income with three kids. Mad respect, somewhat unironically.
@@siggimondo as far as I remember, he works in a nuclear powerplant facility. That's a lot of cash if you ask me 😂 That's like working in Tesla.
@@siggimondo he’s a nuclear safety inspector, those jobs are $150,000 at a minimum!
And he likely saves Mr. Burns hundreds of millions of dollars of fines and shutdowns by never writing up any safety complaints and never bringing up any safety issues.
It’s just like Barney Stinson’s “PLEASE” job at Goliath International Bank in HIMYM. (“PLEASE” is “Provide legal exculpation and sign everything”.). If anything going wrong, Homer is the scapegoat.
Also, Homer was offered $500,000, plus an executive home, plus free private school for the kids by Hank Scorpio.
@@siggimondo likewise al bundy
"Never complain, never explain", the aristocratic rule.
I heard a woman talking about her 35 wedding anniversary. Someone asked what her secret to a long marriage was. She said they didn't talk much😅 I guess she was right.
You don't need to talk much if you always undertsan each other without words. There's talk and talk...
Sounds like someone who is just not close with her partner Maritally or relationally. That happens too. Some ppl sit in silent suffering for years of their marriage as well. Just sayin.
@@terrycrews1760 nope. Just less arguments...
You missed his point where is said not talking much doesnt mean youre not communicating. They could still be connecting, interacting and experiecing each other through non-verbal communication. Sometimes all it takes is just being in someone's presence or being in each others presence and being in union in heart and spirit.
@@terrycrews1760 Indeed. Talking means sharing, not argueing - there can be poisoneous silence, and of course relaxed and friendly, too. There is so many ways to show you care, respect, and cherish your loved one(s) without dominating them.
“We need to talk.” Never have four words inspired such dread. When my wife and I got married, one of the silliest piece of advice we constantly got was, “never go to bed angry.” It turns out the worst fights we ever had were because we were TIRED. Too much communication can be a bad thing. A good night’s sleep can shrink big problems into manageable ones, and make small problems disappear.
My mother always said to go to bed with your partner, even if angry. In the morning, not such a big deal.
When I was about 20 years old, I decided to keep a journal of all the things that were upsetting me, keeping me awake at night, etc. A few weeks later, I read my previous entries. I had completely forgotten about most of the "issues" and none of them were of any consequence to me by the time I was reading about them. Lesson learned. I stopped the journal. The lesson that problems aren't worth getting upset over has stuck with me for 47 years. Now, if only everybody around me would take it to heart like I did...
Disagree. Wife and I have been careful NOT to go to bed angry with each other for 33 years. Sometimes, we just negotiate a truce and then sort the rest out in the morning. We just cannot sleep well if we go to bed angry.
I agree, all my issues stemmed from when we were BOTH super tired, which comes after long stretches at work, induced by two month long stretches when we are both robbed of our last iota of strength from continued massive over-time at work. (We both work at extremely high pressure / high responsibility workplaces.) There are always problems to handle, but provided one of us is not exhausted to an inch of his/her life, we can always handle it and appreaciate that the other person is exhausted and acting out of the ordinary. However, when both of us are exhausted, then it becomes the problem and then trying to "communicate" is the ticket down the drain. Women have uncanny emotional intelligence and they keep an itemized exact list of every single one of your actions that hurt them in the past since they met you, and will throw this complete list on your head in such circumstances. She can go back 25 years, day and minute precision retrieve all the pain she suffered, yet, can't recall a single time when she caused me pain or discomfort.
With cool heads the situation is very different, no blaming, 100% planning. There's always time for talking, and when I was younger I thought everything needs to be talked through with your partner. And it did work for the first 10 years, fabulously. But now, after 25 years, I have realized that it was the key that has led to her total loss of sexual interest. If I could restart again - much more doing, and way, way way less talking. If she is in need, listen to her. If I am in need - I have to work it out! She is not a counselor. Even though she wants you to share your painful moments and difficulties, if you succumb then you go down to becoming her BROTHER instead of her LOVER. You need to maintain your status as a MAN, who toughens up when the going gets hard.
I agree that that is some of the worst pop psychology advice given to couples. There's another reason - one or the other will be more resistant to the effects of sleep deprivation. Once that's figured out, and it won't take long, arguments will then just be a matter of the less susceptible partner (probably her) waiting out the more susceptible partner. There is a reason the CIA uses sleep deprivation as an "interrogation" technique.
"Talking is a punishment." As an introvert, I wholeheartedly agree.
The worst is when they try to do it in public or in an eased space like a car. They are either socially unaware or purposely manipulative.
I don't think he meant it like that
As an autist introvert, I not only agree but see where it applies on my existance beyond my autism
That hit hard.
Correct but hard.
Please stop using this introvert thing to explain everything. It has gotten out of hand. No one likes what you just described. Being introverted does not dictate who you are, it's just a small, mostly meaningless thing that people use as an excuse to not do difficult things they dont like. Do more difficult things! It's good for you
This goes back to one of the key quotes I've taken from the online community. You will never be good enough for the wrong person. They will just keep moving the goalposts. There are some women that nothing makes them happy. Trying to save them is like a person drowning and panicking. Your best option is to throw them a flotation device. You get too close and they will just pull you down with them
Very well put.
Gone through this one time to many. At this point of my life, I've decided to concentrate on myself and not try to save or entertain another being who is constantly unhappy no matter what you do for them.
There are some men who complain about everything. I'm glad I'm not married to that.
"Some women".......
You'd be surprised at how many men do this too. Running one's mouth without doing anything is typical of the weak, and being a loser is a gender less thing. As a man, I obviously notice particularly women doing this, but the moment you start working on an impartial view of things, you start noticing that it really goes both ways.
@@Metalbringer92 well said.
Actions speak louder that words. That being said, my man and I enjoy discussing all sorts of topics that have nothing to do with the relationship. It's great to have intellectual discussions. Talking is not only about conflicts, issues, complaints, etc.
Yeah it really just depends on the couple not all are that connected. Oftentimes the woman is looking to get offended 😂. Lazy vetting on us guys part for sure. Problem is there are so few decent women it's either that or go at it alone. Neither is a great option
@@JoseDiaz-rd9fh The older I get, the more I realize that people shouldn't even couple up unless there is a solid foundation of good, intimate, enjoyable communication before anything else.
This was my first thought when first seeing the title of the video , but after watching the clip I don't think he meant no talking about anything at all, but moreso the "we need to talk" relationship oriented talking.
@@docmadhattan He even says in the video that he would be perfectly happy to have a woman who didn't understand his language at all and vice versa. He says that he can have intellectual discussions with other people outside of the intimate relationship and that a partner's most important role is for sex. Kinda weird in my opinion because I can't build an intimate relationship without meaningful conversation with a man.
@@LisaCulton I think he was just using that as an example, to underscore that speech isn't the only form of communication and that it's possible for healthy individuals to have good relationships without the need to talk. I agree with him there. What matters more is the underlying connection that two people have energetically, and that foundation of trust can definitely be built without words. Not entirely different than how we have mutual communication with animals and house pets.
Your eloquence is unmatched. Your value-per-word ratio is higher than anyone else in this sphere. Love your content.
You nailed it ! He’s the BEST
That is why I referred to him as a word-smth.
He’s an idiot.
Some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard is from him.
It took me until well into adulthood to realise there was too much talk in my life. Less is more, and I’m still learning that.
I was Just as guilty! We were all taught to talk about everything, all the time! LOL This was a needed punch in the gut for me.
Our hunter gatherer ancestors agree with you, if hunter gatherers these days are a judge of that. They often say that while they like the people that live with them for long periods of time to study them they talk too much.
@hklinker "Less is more" this is gold
I agree..talking less,,discussing things in a positive gently caring way is being active to resolve a problem
@Gary_oldmans_left_nut I also imagined hunter gatherers and thought they probably didn't talk a whole lot 😂
"Talking is a punishment." Yep! That's exactly how I felt when I got the "we need to talk" treatment.
Never discuss your relationship. When she says she wants to talk, dismiss her.
@@jenisson159 well then how do u solve interpersonal problems when they appear?
As a fellow psychologist and therapist, I have the same idea about talking for quite some time now and I fell happy that someone else thinks the same.
This man is not a real therapist.
And you wouldn't have known that until....he talked? Hmm... Strange.
@@TSMSnation 😂😂
@@honaleribased on what. He has a practice.
@@honalerilol
Another genius post. Realized this last year. It’s definitely the culture to push talking as a solution. Probably why all social “movements” are mostly lip service. No action, just air.
a lot of talking, advice, etc is an excuse to defend the status quo.
@@sp123 yeah, like "talking your way out of it". Tis might be unrelated, but yes sometimes there is a problem, and "explaining" or "talking about it" can just be an ALTERNATIVE to actual change. While yes, first you need to talk and recognise whats the problem, but then there should be stop and next step is action
@@lindaaltnurme6730-- Agreed. I've worked in places where talking about a problem was considered to be taking action. When a discussion was winding down I'd interject something like, "Ok, so what are the objective, observable, measurable changes we're making?"
This did not make me popular.....😂😂😂😂😂😂
Talk has to be accompanied with action to be effective.
Takes balls to say it, considering that you provide therapy sessions. Respect!
I would make the argument that therapy allows a patient to allow their feelings and concerns to form into words, which in turn allows the therapist to interpret that information and provide help. That is the relationship between patient and therapist.
In a romantic or sexual relationship, the premise of the relationship is some mix of sex, comfort, and companionship. "Talking" only goes so far, and only serves to communicate information based on dissatisfaction, as Doc so eloquently put. "Doing" is what fundamentally matters for a relationship to endure.
2nd that! Dr. Taraban has been making politically incorrect, but honest, observations in this series pretty regularly for a couple of years now. The conventional wisdom tends to prevail in psychology, just as it does in many other close-knit professions. Going against the grain, backing up his contrarian positions w/ both clinical and "real life" evidence, takes a lot of courage. Respect!
Dr. Orion will definitely ask the hard questions during his sessions 😂
He have very big balls , telling from experience
And looks like a lot of people decided to weigh in here.
This is exactly why having male therapist is so important. Different approach and brings balance due to tangible experience.
I was going to like this comment, but it would change the number of likes from 69. I think the boys would appreciate it
I had an awesome female psychologist for about a year, she really absolutely got that. Thing is, I was in my early thirties and she was about 60 years old. She had three adult sons. She only told me this during our last session... But I knew without knowing. I've never been so much at ease talking to a woman. I feel like in order to actually help adult men, female psychologists must have raised a son into adulthood.
I've always been kind of quiet person, introvert, bulliedin high school. But several people, especially women, told me to talk or say things I think. That really pissed me off, they think I'm creep or something because I don't talk about everything. I told them many times: "Peple should do more, and especially listen, listen what's important, instead of just waiting for their time to talk".
Thanks! That was one of the best and most informative videos you've posted, my friend. And I have seen them all. I salute your wit and brevity as they perfectly compliment your professionalism. Now if I can only get my wife to watch this...
There is so much value in this short talk. This is exactly what I’m experiencing at work- endless meetings about the same unacceptable behaviour and no change.
It takes a deeper understanding of the human nature to understand what you’re saying. Most people are not able to. Instead of understanding the entire message, they get stuck with a controversial sentence or two. Very good video. Thank you ❤
I lived once in a Buddhist Zen Center. I also dated a man who became my husband. We all learned meditation there, and ate our meals in silence, did our practices in silence. There was no compulsion to verbalize. It actually was beautiful, and the feeling of intimacy with my man, and even with others, was very real and solid. I totally get, that he could be perfectly happy in a relationship with (the right) woman even if she didn't speak English.
compulsion to verbalize is often the problem
but in order to overcome it, it is often easier to talk and get to know each other first, and then to relax in each other's silent company.
There are pople with whom it is pleasant to be silent, and others that create discomfort through silence. It's like one can hear the cogs moving, but no words are coming out of their mouth, and it can become a torture.
Yes I've been saying this for years. Its the reason most "therapy" is an abysmal failure: people spend decades going to a talk therapist once a week to talk about their feelings rather than take 5 min and fix their problems. It's uncomfortable because often the problems lie within and people don't want to admit that they have faults.
100% correct.
Therapists are incentivized to keep customers coming back (yes, everyone who pays for a good or service is a customer). It’s asking too much of a person in a capitalist system to make choices that would lower their potential income, even if only in the short term, like telling a customer that they can be self sufficient.
Therapists talk about "breakthroughs" which means the talking is meant to help you discover problems / uncover issues. Which goes back to what Psychhacks was saying, talking doesn't change intent. Therapy works when you go in with the intention that things are going to get better, and you just need to figure out how to do it.
Going to therapy has to be an admission that things have to change, otherwise it's just wasting money.
You totally deviated the point of the video, when he says that talking is overrated he is talking about relationships. You cant change a grown adult just by talking.
In term of therapy its totally useful to talk because talking will helps you to discover things that were in your unconscious. Plus, letting out the problems which you cant be open about it outside the therapy sphere is actually healthy.
What you basically say is "stop talking, do it bro" but therapy actually exists because its sadly not that easy
That’s the point of a therapist idiot…anyone spending “decades” just enjoys being ripped off
“Ignore problems: This makes them go away.”
Thanks for your advice.
be stoic
@@Lacter12 thats not how you pronounce it. it's pronounced *stoic.*
@@PokeNebula ?
@@Lacter12 He means you need to be *bold* to be stoic lol
I tried that with paying my taxes. They didn’t go away
This is a profound idea that is ironically worth talking about.
My parents were together 54 years and the only reason their marriage ended was my father passing away. He told me the key to a good marriage and solving problems is to get around a table and talk it through. My life experience has also taught me talking isn't just about solving a problem. It's reaching a mutual agreement to walk away from each other. The later being better than years and years of misery. 🤔
That only works when the partner is willing to be fair and balanced, to hear and support you, rather than her getting offended at any critique or need, flipping it around to attack, guilt, shame you, misinterpret you, and deny anything is wrong with her.
Then you get dragged to counseling so a third party can also be used to guilt, manipulate, you
Then when you try to tell her how you feel, she says your feelings aren’t real, your mind is messed up, you are ‘abusing’ her, and on and on. Not hypothetical.
Wow: “ talking will not make a disrespectful person respectful.” Boom.
@@Mattheus281 Don't pick a disrespectful person then
@@DanAdlingtonOnlinetoo late we are divorced. She didn’t show that when dating, and more. So I learn and grow to be better and attract better
All of this requires an agreeable partner.
Have an unagreeable partner?
Get rid of them. Time spent with unagreeable people only leads to regret.
I think this is your best talk ever doc.
I’m very agreeable. I know it and the Big 5 confirms it. I attract disagreeable partners in my life. Thank you!
@@marafenton8178 you are the light.
Not sure I'm on board with that sentiment. I spend time with disagreeable people and am a bit argumentative myself...I think its a case of iron sharpens iron - I've had so much personal growth and relationship growth by tackling something I disagree with that I wouldn't say it only lead to regret.
Men tend to be less agreeable than women which will factor in also.
@@lyndonbauer1703 But it sounds like you disagree based on the merit of the point. Truly disagreeable people, like people who have personality disorders such as NPD or ASPD can disagree with anything and everything just to be difficult. They turn everything into a competition that they have to 'win'. They're truly incompatible as partners with everyone because they don't understand what a partnership really is and what it requires. They lack empathy, remorse, compassion, reciprocity, the concept of fairness, the humility to admit when they are wrong and to apologize, etc.
In those cases especially, talking with them never gets anywhere.
The most creative people I've known have been critical thinkers, at times often disagreeable, always searching for understanding and common ground, parsing differences while creating new points of view and ideas.
Wise Words!
For men, talking about feelings is a means to solve the relationship problem and accomplish the goal. (If they even talk about them or acknowledge them at all.)
For women, talking about feelings IS the goal.
I agree. At work I see this a lot.
And whats the goal?
Talking is Overrated: 100% agreed with your clear explanation. This is true for me as I see couples who always need to talk about issues end up with more issues and more need to talk about them!!!😅
In relationship with friends, family, even colleagues, I now only prefer talking about logistics and planning discussion, don't like long meeting to talk about problems without any realistic solutions. I'd rather be present with them, share food and simple or deep conversations, getting work done.
Great advice: Be & Recognize a good partner with kindness, loyalty, tenderness, sensuality, patience, positivity, generosity, prioritization, connection, thru actions and general attitude towards life (no words needed, focus on sensing one's energy, observing one's actions & behaviors)
Yeah but then you still need to talk about the things you mention. Communication and information is key to making the right decisions.
A fair share of being a good communicator is not when not to talk and what does not need to be talked about - well said Dr. Taraban!
Sometimes people just don't realize they're hurting eachother, and letting them know can fix that
Even better - learning how to notice they are hurting each other, and doing something about it *without* needing to talk about it.
If they keep doing things that hurt the other person until they get told to stop, that’s quite the problem on its own isn’t it?
@@RUclipshandlesaresilly this expectation is problematic in itself
Dude you came into my life at the right time I had no idea I was so interested in psychology 💜💪🏾
I find talking to be essential to the success of a relationship. Every problem that crops up gets talked out, and as such there's no resentment on either side, because both parties understand each other's perspectives better after the conversation and care enough about the other person to be considerate, while recognizing that you don't always need to agree on everything. The key is to tackle each problem calmly and cooperatively as soon as it appears, to avoid building up resentment and frustration. Cleaning up the mess of unresolved negative emotions that you've let build up and fester and grow for years is no fun. Regular maintenance is needed for the longevity of the relationship.
Thank you for actually making sense
@@devcron7041 you are welcome :)
Key take away from the video for me was: talking can be experienced as a form of punishment when you engage in the conversation with the wrong attitude and use force. So you do need to guard against that.
I take great care to ensure that every time me and my partner talk out problems, it is voluntary that we talk (since we both understand the need to talk out problems, we always talk it out, but if one was not convinced, then first there is a need to discuss the theory behind relationships and how to maintain them), which also means the timing is voluntary (if someone isn't ready yet, give them time and space).
On top of that, we both come to the discussion with opinions that are held tentatively, ready to learn, in order to form a shared understanding (our perspective is merely our perspective, and neither perspective is the whole picture, so you shouldn't impose your perspective on your partner, rather let your perspective complement that of your partner and vice versa).
I take the happiness of my partner as my personal responsibility and vice versa.
Above all, honesty and transparency are key.
Also, criticism ≠ insult. It's all about the intentions and emotions behind it. You can tell if someone is critical of you but does not want to hurt you.
As Christians we live by Jesus' principle of reverse reciprocity: don't do to others that which you don't want done to yourself. Also, to love my partner as I love myself.
I set the tone for this way of being in a relationship and my partner follows; it takes two to tango. We're very happy together. :)
@@devcron7041 yeah man i read ur replies in other comments i fully agree with u
@@truthmatters7573 yupp talking dosent need to be a form a punishment it should be a way to.explain how u felt when they did something and understand ur position and perspective, and they would also nees to be self reflective about their behavior and u should also listen to why they do that behavior and if they are unable to change it because of trauma or specific reasons
yeah, and while talking isn't the only form of communication, when used correctly, it's definitely _explicit_ in a way most other forms of communication really aren't, helping to really understand other people in greater depth and detail than we would be able to without it. but you're not gonna solve ineffective talking with _more_ ineffective talking which seems to be the issue
Well, not all talking is discussion. Most people I know who are in successful relationships just like talking to each other!
That's true.
that is not what he is talking about, and Lisa Culton is butt hurt from her 2 divorces that she is posting on every comment.
Most people you know will break up soon or get divorced (filed by the woman). You got no „point“
exactly I like to share funny things that happened that only they would get and hear about stuff they think is funny its not all about problems I like to share something I read or hear about what happened to them during the day etc its the little conversations about ordinary things just sharing the joy of the first bloom of a rose all the little things that make it a relationship
Talking IS overwhelming at times. Silence, too can be just as bad or worse. Don't try to resolve what really doesn't need resolving. Enjoy the sunsets saying little. The key to a relationship is RESPECT and Love ❤️ in THAT order
I like how you’re a normal, non-academic sounding psychologist. You’re like a human who’s lived a regular life with the knowledge and insight of psychology.
Yes because academics are blue pilled
True! Almost like Sean from Good Will Hunting.
Yes!! I agree so much with this. I dated two therapists in a row and they both had this belief that regular talk therapy will fix all of their problems. I couldn't be more different. My dad raised me on the words: "Show me don't tell me". I understand a balance is preferred, but in general people talk too much and act too little.
I appreciate this so much. I was married to a therapist, and he would get so frustrated with me. He would say I make him feel like a failure, because he works with people all day, and tries to do the same to me, and I would respond shut down. Well, I wasn’t his client. I didn’t want a bunch of talking about what was wrong with me. I wanted love, which involved peace and contentment.
You should have listened to a man who knows about mind works. Your love and contentment might have felt quite opposite to your partner. And this is not simple, it is very complex in general. No universal simple advice works for everybody all the time.
@@demongo0 Someone who's job is to treat others problems will always look for those problems in others. To solve his personal issues he should have pay a visit to some other therapist (because he himself might be the real cause of the issue).
I dated a therapist for about a year, then a break, then again for nearly 6 months. Neither of us really could put a finger on why we stopped seeing each other the first time... ...it just fizzled out, almost amicably. Weird. Ever stranger that we got back together at a concert and just "picked up where we left off."
Then I realised, when she said months later, "I just can't figure you out. There are so many layers that I want to explore." I remember that verbatim. She was talking about decisions that I had made in the past -- being an expat, going to unpopular vacation spots (Iran, for one), learning uncommon languages (Serbian, etc) -- not what my roadmap was for the future.
Aaaah, then it hit us, I was her boyfriend second; but I was her project first. Well, at least now we both understood (one of probably a few reasons) why it didn't work out. We again parted amicably. Probably strange for both of us.
You were clearly poorly matched. Great you had the power to move on.
A therapist that says you make them feel like a failure is a terrible therapist 😂
1. shifting responsibility for their state onto someone else
2. Not able to differentiate between thoughts and feelings.
he was thinking he was a failure
he might have all sorts of different feelings in relation to that belief.
Once again Dr. Orion, spot on. My experience has been that no matter how much you talk to someone intent on destroying every lil thing they built, that's what they'll do.
Misaligned values it happens all the time. When we meet someone we find physically attractive we tend to project all kinds of other qualities they often do not possess. You can work on getting better at sex but misaligned values will kill every relationship every time.
- "communication is overrated"
- "she doesn't even need to speak English"
Bruh 💀
That scalated quickly
like yeah he doesn't need to talk to a woman, he wants other things from a woman. I don't know if his take good or not. i think communication is overrated but not because partners don't need to talk. it's overrated cause it's not gonna fix the serious problems however, it can fix a lot of misunderstaning, fix a lot of small problems and leading to both happier.
I can't imagine how i can feel content with a partner that cant even talking about serious decisions that as a couple should take together cause of langauge berrier, for example.
Yeah, he’s giving red flags
@@NamgangSrifah I think he is mainly referring to not talking about issues, not other things. Other things are fine. And his comment about her not having to speak english was probably more a joke than anything. At least I hope that is the case lol.
@@FudgeYeahAmerica I'm going on a binge of his channel because i'm one semester from my undergrad psych degree and he surprises me that he got a psy d. He does have a bachelors in drama but other than that his credentials seem legit and it baffles me sometimes that his co-students didn't ostracize him
@@mahikannakiham2477 what's other things in this case? You mean the "He doesn't need to talk to a woman" part or my "a couple should take serious decision together"
Well, anyway, I still think there're a lot of things can fix by communication. (And a lot can't)
Ps. I watch his other videos and I doubt it's a joke (Not saying he believes what he said as in he really would, but I think it meant it as serious)
This has given me a much needed perspective into how relationships work. Thank you
Bravo! Best video/ topic of the many I have watched so far of yours.
In my last relationship, my girlfriend wanted to have a WEEKLY sit-down where we could talk about the issues in the relationship and air our grievances (as suggested by her therapist!). After 2 conversations, we couldn't find anything to talk about so she would actually think hard about something that bothered her. After that I would refuse to do those talks and she couldn't figure out why I didn't want to have a conversation where someone is going out of their way to find ways to criticize me. I ended up breaking up with her months later.
Any amount of complaining, airing of grievances, criticism is going to take an emotional toll on your partner, so it's best to pick your battles and think carefully about what issues are worth talking about. Talking about issues for the sake of talking is not the solution.
"Talking is to doing as imagination is to reality" 👌🏻
If you mind, can you explain your sentence for me. I couldn't quite understand what it exactly means. Thank you.
@@kocerarif It isn't my sentece, I was just citing dr. Orion Taraban, he said that at one point during the video. I think the meaning of the sentence is that talking about something is easier than actually doing it; it takes less effort and people tend to idealize and imagine things according to their wishes. Similarly, it is easier to imagine something than to accept the truth, which sometimes proves to be quite harsh and totally different from our mental images.
@@steaua96valentyn You're so kind. Thank you.
It is true but maybe not only in a negative way. Most people talk, but how many people talk things that really mean practical solutions? Maybe problem is not so much talking but what people say?
It takes two people to make a marriage work and one to ruin it. Talking usually doesn't change anything.
Thank you, I clicked on this because I thought I disagreed but you made a very good point and delivered it really well I will ponder this muchly
The last thing you said about the choice between the relationship and the problem really scared me I must confess because, it's and issue that I can only imagine being solved by talking, this I'm yet to ponder weather that is the right approach, but I fear that the problem is stronger than the relationship as its been a problem long before we met and although it has became less of a problem since we got together it is still ongoing, I don't want to loose her and I'm not willing to walk away and I'm scared
Thanks!
"only a small part of the problems can really be solved by talking about them and in many cases talking about the problem becomes a problem in and of itself"
This comment doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. It also applies to a lot of the recent malaise affecting democratic political systems in the western tradition.
is it lack of action then? people to set in there ways?
@@JJ-vp3bd Things only get better when both parties want it to get better. With most political problems, this is not often the case.
There are some countries outside the west where the mentality is different: you teach the children to be good citizens first, and then this idea of freedom comes later. In the west there is too much emphasis on freedom and not enough on the preconditions for freedom. And then there are some countries which have neither of these things, and they end up as dictatorships which gives the concept of a dictatorship a very bad name.
It just keeps the bs alive ..finish it
Yep. The Black side of my family got out of poverty by building a business back in 1920s Atlanta. That took some doing.
Action speaks louder. I’d rather observe the action than talking about it. I tend to write to communicate when I really do want to say something. It helps with organizing thoughts and clarity. It also leaves a trail to re-examine later.
“One ounce of action beats a ton of words”
You can't take effective action without clarity of your goal or direction. I think some people have a problem with clarity and they think talking will bring it about.
"Talking about problems can create more problems than what you already had". Right on!!!
1:26 "im also a fantastic partner".. the inevitable flaw of every professional in this field.
I think the thesis is an oversimplification. Being able to communicate well verbally is vital to many relationships, romantic and others. It's like the software for the hardware (actions). Dwelling on the issues that plague a given relationship via endless conversations without the willingness to make the necessary adjustments is an entirely different matter. Having a partner you can't talk to is like having a dog or cat - being human involves communicating via words. I don't trust people who talk excessively or that don't say the right things at all. There has to be a balance, like in everything in life. Besides: your thoughts create your words, your words create your actions, your actions create your destiny.
I completely agree. Having a partner you can talk to about the things that are important to you, whether they are good or bad, is key to a successful relationship. And it’s also just nice to talk with your partner about what life
So well said!
i agree, people are too complex to understand _without_ words - but yeah also using words wrong doesn't help understanding either
I hate to be redundant, but I agree with you. Thanks for saving me the trouble of writing it myself.
I think it would be better to say you should be conservative with verbal communication. It should only be used when necessary. It's very similar to a view the Buddhists have to not use pointless speech. Humor and small talk are parts of the human experience, and have a point. You don't have to talk about everything, and you shouldn't.
This is so true.
Had issues with lack of sex as I was concerned with my wife… discussed it plenty. Finally on a walk one day with my wife she asked to talk about it again… I said No not going to do this anymore. She was like… you don’t want to talk about it, again I said no and walked away. At that point, what was the point.
Things are better now😀
You can talk about what and when to cook dinner all day long… but if you don’t get down to cooking something it doesn’t happen.
As in My FAIR lady. “Words words words words…. Show me!
If you love someone it shows in your actions😀
I really want to know if this action of stop talking about it improved the sex situation? I think many couples have this problem
@@kelper205 same
@@kelper205
Almost sounds like he was the one withholding sex
I’m imagining that you just, like, didn’t really feel vulnerable enough to tell her why you had issues with a lack of sex? I feel like if you actually had healthy communication, then you’d be able to talk about splitting up due to a lack of both your needs being met rather than just running away from the problem yk
@@devcron7041 he said things are better now. So it seems like the communication thing didn’t work, but letting go of the issue did.
This sounds about right. Consider the tension that would grow if you’re constantly complaining about sex. Like who wants to have sex with someone who’s always complaining about you? The more you point out what someone is not doing in bed the less you’re into them. It would also build stress because you feel like you’re not doing enough. Overall making sex unappealing.
Interesting. While anything can be overdone, some people's love language needs to talk to feel a connection at all. But I see your point too. I'm def. going to think on this.
Excellent video about something practiced by so many women in my experience and used almost always to control a Man. 'We need to talk'...must be dreaded by so many Men because they think 'Shit, what have I done now?', and that is what many women want Men to feel.
I think this is really something we need to talk about.
I have no idea how you seem to put so much sense and eye-opening wisdom into such a short video. Brilliant as always
This man provides wisdom I deep down knew but didn't know I knew or why I knew it. So much brilliant information explained simply.
My thoughts exactly.
@Mandy Mikulka Learning to act in such a way so as to prevent conflict from arising is a higher ideal than learning to have a "healthy dialogue" about it.
@Mandy Mikulka OMG! Don't talk already! Did you not learn anything!
@ToaGonel don’t be a sycophant.
@Mandy Mikulka I agree with both of your comments a 100% - and I'm a guy!
We introverts know this! My most deep and interesting relationships use far fewer "what is" kind of conversations, and lean much more on feelings and expressions of appreciation.
Its very frustrating when people constantly critique you, then get confused when you do not want to speak to them.
💯
Dziękujemy.
Talking can be very effective if you know what questions to ask and how. People can talk in circles for years without getting to the heart of something. I learned about my immediate family more from a day of talking to my emotionally intelligent aunt about my parents than I did from years of talking to my parents.
How did the new information help?
@@meetuchendu I learned that not even my parents blamed me morally for the extensive trauma they caused me. That it originated from their own faults and not mine (this part they wouldn't admit but she did to an extent). It helped me get back a lot of dignity I lost and improved my mental health.
@@meetuchendu Props.
@@crystalnelson314 Are you maybe underestimating the importance of . . . your being willing to listen (?)
@@QED_ It was more the other way around. It's like my mother never heard me out ever.
Had a relationship with a compulsive overthinking overcommunicator who would go over the same little thing for literally several hours again and again in a loop. She wouldn't let me leave the conversation and would follow me if I left. Then I'd have to break up with her just to end the conversation which would spiral her into even more discussion. Then I'd say "your only move right now to save this is to stop talking and let me take a breather". She couldn't fathom the idea of not discussing to death something that's bothering her. It was hell on Earth
Obviously we've had the same gf
Sounds like a psychological disorder kind of like verbal OCD
@@rhuiden4086 you just diagnosed the female gender with OCD
OCD
Talking is a means to negotiation, to get what you need or desire. Since you don't get what you want, you need to explain it in a way that the other can understand. This is why practice what you preach is a real thing. It shows you stand behind the words you say. It shows the values and boundaries, so its easy to copy afterwards (if that's what needed). So down the line, its not the words you use that carry the meaning, its the trust in the doing that makes the words meaningful. If you feel a need to talk a lot, it means that there is meaningless interaction going on for reasons.
Ergo, talking is a coping mechanism for a need or want unmet. It is unavoidable, since we're all different people no matter how much we're trying to be alike. We cannot satisfy our partner's need at every whim, as it may come at the cost of our self regulation if we did.
That is why negotiation is the only type of talk that is actually needed, as you lay bare what you have to offer, and what you'd prefer to have in return. The last step in this, is to find a rhythm that satisfies the needs, and preferibly, the wants as well.
Talking is a punishment if you're blind to the needs of your partner. That's called emotional unavailability.
When you're ready to start your own channel I'm ready for it
Brilliant!
"Tip me in proportion to the value derived from this episode" Man the value is so high. I experienced all you said and thank you for organizing and elaborating it or else even with experience I would not learn anything.
As a man currently dating a beautiful feminine woman from Taiwan that is new to learning english this helps me. There's a part of me that is still keeping my options open simply because her and I can't have complex convo's. I naturally overanalyze and psychoanalyze everything in a relationship, so maybe keeping things verbally simple is a underestimated blessing.
Thank you so much, Dr Taraban. You should have a million subscribers. Everyone needs to hear your message. You are so right, talking can potentially make things worse as talking can become a punishment. 6:20 "Good relationships are about enjoying who your partner is, not about changing them into who you want them to be".
@Mandy Mikulka I think Dr Taraban's point is that women shouldn't use talking as a way to punish a man, e.g. trying to change a man, or moaning and complaining at the man for being himself. Talking shouldn't be used as a weapon. Dr Taraban makes a very important point and if people listen to him, I am pretty sure they will live much happier and satisfying relationships.
@Mandy Mikulka There is a great lecture on You Tube from a famous British philosopher called Alain de Botton on the meaning of love. And he said something like, real love is loving someone despite them having imperfections and flaws. I guess the point he was making is that all successful marriages are imperfect because all husbands and wives are imperfect, but their love is so strong they find a way to get along and tolerate each others imperfections and flaws. I guess the key is finding the right person whose imperfections you are happy to put up with (because ultimately, no one is perfect, and therefore, to some extent, everyone who wants to be in a long term relationship will need to settle and get used to the other person's imperfections and flaws).
@Mandy Mikulka If this is true about women, but not true about men, then she should talk to her girlfriends to feel heard. Kurt Vonnegut used to say that the problem with modern relationships is that women used to have 500 other women to talk to, and men used to have 500 other men to do things with. Instead of finding a community, women want to use a man to talk, and men want to use a woman to do things with.
@Mandy Mikulka, Personally, I find talking to women rather boring. They rarely get to the point, beat around the bush, and tire the daylights out of me. Occasionally, the conversation involves the woman viciously talking ill about other women.
@@psychacks 😮
Just when I thought talking was critical in my current relationship. I agree with your analysis. But something’s have to be discussed, roles and responsibilities, boundaries, goals for the future. I think you’re referring to when friction arises, at which point tough decisions are made and when talk is usually cheap here.
I agree after you get to a certain point in a relationship you know when talks are going to be productive or if your just dealing with a nagasaurus Rex. As he stated the "we need to talk" thing is always the airing of grievances or something else but it's never anything positive.
OMG, I've thought this my whole life but never heard it spelled out. People think talking is the cure for everything, but so often it's a guilt-free punishment one person inflicts on another disguised as relationship improvement. The "talker" usually wants to get her way by exhausting the person who doesn't want to talk.
Thanks, excellent video.
“Taking is punishment that enshrines the problem “ - a bit like object fixation in aviation - or , if you are skiing the trees , look at the gaps , not the trunks , because that’s where you want to go , you go to where you look and focus - taking about “me” and “my” problems ( feelings can be problems here ) only makes them more of a central focus - a bit perhaps like fractal geometric measurements- the more you measure something the longer it gets ( the English coastline for example ) , Orion , thank you for “talking “ so much sense . Silence is golden
On this point I completely agree with you. As with so many other things I regret that I had to grow old to realize how overrated talking can be. Especially hard for an extrovert like me who loves to talk.
A guy I like would yell at me “stop talking about it” or “things would get better if you had just stopped talking about it months ago.” We went around and around about it for months and I think it’s because I felt attacked and criticized. Yet here you are explaining it so peacefully and in a way that feels ok. Much easier to process. I completely agree that spending time doing, sharing experiences, creating memories…is the anecdote to avoid all the talking.
Please don't just accept the abuse from your boyfriend just because Orion made a video justifying lack of communication.
Yelling at you and blaming the problems on you because talk about them is wrong on his part.
@@VixxKong2thank you but we never made it to that title. I realize now, unbeknownst to me it was more like a situationship.
Sometimes people don't realize there doing something wrong until it's brought to thier attention(myself included). If i have to talk to someone about something, and they refuse to change, it's at that point I'll have to decide to either drop the issue or decide whether the relationship is worth continuing if the problem is serious enough.
In my experience if a woman says "We need to talk" usually it's followed with something that implies, you need to change or else. & I usually make an effort to improve for the sake of the relationship. However it never works the other way. Woman operate from the position that there is nothing wrong with them therefore the problem is you.
I have another way of approaching this. Rather than lead with talking, I FIRST decide whether the problem is serious enough to make the relationship worth continuing. If not, I don't talk about it, and instead examine why it is such an issue for me. If it is, I do talk about it, but it's a 30-second conversation.
@@psychacks so you do realize you are advocating the consideration of quitting fiest before talking out the priblem? Im just checking to make sure i understand what youre saying. So the very first problem we should think quit first and then talk later if we are really feeling it???
@@rainbowodysseybyjonlion I think he's advocating for not wasting time, emotion & resources. If he is correct in his observations, that talking about a problem without actually do anything about said problem, then what's the point? I would imagine that if you're in a relationship with someone that genuinely desires the relationship to be mutually fulfilling, then you talk about it, because they are more likely to consider your thoughts, reasons & or "feelings" & comply or at least make an effort to. If you're in a relationship with someone that is completely self centered & believes the relationship should be self-serving, then why talk about the issue or problem? Nothing is going to come from it.
After reading this, I think too much of my baggage may be showing in this reply. 🤣😭
@@dtuitt79 yep, I think I'm coming around to this conclusion as well. Very enlightening
I recall my ex wanted to have a serious talk while I was driving fast through the city. She wanted me to apologize to her for some minor transgression. Her mantra was communication will solve everything. I didn't say sorry, because I didn't felt any wrongdoing on my behalf. So I drove in silence contemplating that she is an almost total stranger to me, that all this mental masturbation about relationships is utter clap talk, that she was just parroting some Instagram feel good quotes about life and being together, I was longing for pastoral tranquility in nature, peace in solitude, free of her agency and influence on my will.
Feels like you're describing my sister. Parroting from instagram. The influence on my will? Sounds exactly likd her.
1 day she told me that man in the past treated women like queens and basically expected me to act like that towards her. Laughable.
Women have parasitic tendencies.
Well, if you want that tranquility, you need singledom. If you want a relationship, then you have to take that bullshit.
@@samuelbeatsminecraft2049
If every woman in your city is a queen, what is the value of a queen? 😝
And should men get some of that equality and also be treated like queens? I bet she’s a feminist, right?
@@redking36 certainly.
"Because I know when 'we need to talk' we gotta talk about some shit that *I* gotta do. We don't ever talk about something *SHE* needs to do!"
-Dave Chappelle
As a very verbal mom, who is raising kids, I completely agree. I only realized this after raising little talking machines!!! Kids are mirrors. Choosing peace, choosing my pace in problem solving, and spending time bonding, even being affectionate are all better ways to problem solve. I.e. hugging my angry child rather than saying I'm here for you.
Thanks
Body language is much more powerful, also knowing when to ignore them when they are talking about stupid stuff is key.
in my experience they talk about dumb shit all the time lol
When in a relationship you intend to keep:
1) pick your battles - keep quiet about everything but the crucial things you require: respect, affection, attention, cooperation
2) teach your partner how to treat you by
a) acting the way you’d like to be treated;
b) finding a neutral moment when you’re engaged in a task or walk together to bring up a behavior you’d like to see changed, by saying “honey, in future, when X happens, I’d like you to do Y as that would help me feel (insert here: loved/ respected/ important to you)”. End of discussion.;
c) immediately speak up for yourself and remove yourself from the situation if partner’s behavior goes against your core values (respect, safety): “this is not OK, I deserve better, I’m out of here.”
That said, one ends up tolerating or fighting to moderate a lot more when economically enmeshed with someone whose behaviors become more undesirable over time and negatively affect your children. Since leaving the partner would also negatively affect the children, one is forced to either bid for understanding, or employ mental trickery to keep partner’s behavior non-traumatizing to family members.
I agree with all of (a), (b), and (c). But the best thing my parents ever did for us kids as a family, was to get divourced when we were young.
True, especially when one party in the discussion is driven by feelings which change like the tropical monsoons.
I will also say, anything people tend to change for others is kept on a mental scorecard, and as soon as it needs to be retrieved, it will be resurrected to show HOW MUCH they've done for you. Take people as they are, grow with them, or dont take them at all. No ultamatums, no trying to get them to see the world your way and no force. ❤❤❤❤
You have an Interesting and unexpected position on this topic. I am in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t speak much english. Although there are difficulties, because of this, the relationship has been very smooth because she has the qualities that make a good partner. As a generally stoic individual, it is refreshing to only have to address the truly important things. Patiently awaiting your book Dr. Taraban 🙏🏾
Thank you!
Maybe your stance is coloured by your job which consists of a lot of talking (and especially about other people's problems and emotions, which can be draining, moreso for introverts), so that in your leisure time in an intimate relationship you prefer non-verbal aspects of life as an antidote.
That is almost certainly true.
nailed it
And when there is no one to talk to, he talks to the camera 😅
@@shaydefloryha!
Damm smart judgement
I love how this was well said and what i've been needing to hear for a long time. Your short talk videos have been the type of information I've been desiring for and helping me better understand my past relationship mistakes or why certain things occurred. Bless your soul.
Thank-you
After a 23 year marriage and two relationships since… I have learned that talking is rarely necessary or productive. I agree with this ☝️ 100%
This is so simple and true 🤣 love it. Women will feel to the need to constantly talk about an issue that everyone knows isn't going to change
Another insightful video. Thanks Dr. The underlying approach is always, do what works and avoid what does not work. What works and what does not work is determined by the outcomes that are being sought. Actions communicate far clearer than words.
This is music to my ears. I've had a handful of situations in the past few months where the go to solution is "talking" it out. When in reality, talking just made everything worse and those who have wronged others with their behavior end up venting and trying to justify their behavior without remorse. I think people rely on talking as a "solution" because that idea is reinforced. Talking only works when both parties are self-critical and are willing to change.
I once saw a couple in a series it was based on real people. He was english, she was spanish. They had been married for 2 decades and never spoke the same language.
This was a necessity for thousands of years. Mating in one's small village/community would lead to hereditary diseases; so arranging marriages out of that village/community was required from time to time. Often this meant joining a tribe with a different culture/language. If this were not possible, we probably wouldn't have gotten very far as a species.
@@psychacks this is so true, i havent thought about it. Thankyou for sharing bits of wisdom and common sense in this crazy world!
I had a French girlfriend, taught her English. I don't have a girlfriend any more.
Wouldn't work for me. I'd feel very lonely if I couldn't talk to her and get feedback. Besides if they haven't learnt each others languages for 20 years they are kinda dimwits.
This sounds like a dream relationship. I love all my pets because they don’t talk to me
"Language is largely made to show-off, gossip, confuse people, delude them, charm them, seduce them, scare them, and exploit them. And, as a side effect, convey information. Just a side effect, you fools." -NN Taleb
Short story:
The more compatible you are, the less relevant language becomes. The less compatible you are, the more information is needed to convey whatever you find valuable to share. Full INcompatibility would mean that you're talking with words or actions that carry no meaning to the other conversational partners. Information is only a side-effect in the sense that you must come to an agreement to what is really happening. Otherwise its always a 'you vs me kind' of scenario and you couldn't tell apart if you're struggling to understand the signals, or the values that are represented by the signals.
Long(er) story:
I generally agree, but this also hides a far bigger issue. If you're an extremely competent person, other people who do not share wisdom or the competency itself, cannot recognise the impact. This essentially means the more competent/intelligent you are, the more language is needed to convey the intended impact, as it would make anyone else insecure. Its an unpredictable thing for the incompetent, after all and by enacting on your competency, you're taking control away from them. So if you really want to make an impact as a competent person, you'll be villified.
Conveying information means you have to process reality through that information. Most people cannot handle that amount of boundaries or such tight ones.. Reality is often too harsh and seemingly contradictory. So talking in what's important, fun and feely is far more sensible, but also causes a boundary where one becomes blind to the value someone else represents because they're so far apart either emotionally or competence-wise because it cannot be understood or expressed. This boundary is the personality-character boundary, where people are unable to see your personality (intentions), but do see how you impact them (character).
From that perspective, we can rephrase your quote to:
"Language is mainly for the characters among us. Language for the soul is a side-effect."
Nassim is a smart man.
I disagree. Although the problem of having too many distressing serious conversations is real, some things are difficult to communicate without words. It does not have to be an overly serious and dramatic discussion where you say "we need to talk" and then sit down and painfully go over the problems. A lot of times a quick couple of sentences can release hurt feelings that otherwise would have led to weeks of passive aggression.
In addition, conversation (the fun kind) is how I feel closer to someone. Learning about someones inner thoughts and opinions, talking about a shared interest, even having a friendly debate over something we disagree upon, all of these build a deep connection. There is a place for silent companionship, but that cannot be all a relationship is, at least for me. I couldn't have a partner who wasn't also a friend.
On point. Interesting how men's need for sex in marriage must be honored but women's need for talk and deeper communication does not need to.
Then don't be surprised about the "walk away wife" syndrome.
I supported my wife and family for three decades. My wife and I had a disagreement. She demanded we discuss an issue. She argued for 9 hours. I refused to agree with her. She phoned 911 and accused me of domestic violence. Washington has a must arrest law. I left. She got a restraining order and I never saw my home, vehicles, pets, children again, she emptied our bank accounts and I was destituted. Court was fine with her emptying our bank accounts and demanded that I pay her my entire gross salary. Without my tools of my trade I lost my job. The sheriff served me the divorce papers and gun point because wife falsely indicated that I had brandished. $15,000 of our taxpayer funds are given the court for every false domestic violence restraining order they fabricate. Many of my God given rights were taken from me. No due process.
It's genuinely good advice. W0men will likely have a harder time applying it than men since it's in their nature to talk everything out, even to the determent of the relationship itself sometimes.
Yes. I don't think this would work with my wife, she just can never shut up.
The statement “talking doesn’t solve issues” is like saying “driving to Taco Bell doesn’t make you have Taco Bell right in front of you this very instant”. Yeah, of course it’s not going to solve issues alone. But if you literally never talk about things then you’re never going to actually reach the destination you guys both want to go to. Expecting otherwise is like expecting taco bell to magically materialize in front of you if you just thought about it a lot
Talking is just an instrument. Knowing what and when to say is crucial. I think it was the main idea of the video
@@jerryjessup9192 Nobody can be sure what the doctor really meant :) Interpretations in such vast subjects as generic behaviour patterns or generic life strategies are the only way to digest.
dang now i want taco bell 😅
Look. I learnt a new language to be able to talk things over with .y girlfriend and understand well etc. But one of my biggest personal problems is fixating on all the negative things ive gone through in the past and most times just overthinking and hell yes I want to talk things over to clear things up but all that talking and trying to get all the points in is really the punishment for both her and me. And this is the only time I have even seen that because of this video.i thought my language wasn't good or my translating bad but it's not that. It's me! Besides as the good doctor said if this time or in the past you didn't choose well then that too weighs in on your relationship. Primarily 1) choose well 2) be in the present and enjoy the opportunity of a relationship (as people say- the journey) if stuff comes up in the enjoyment the urky feeling for resolution will stick out like a sore thumb but still over talking it will be a punishment. 3) remember you're a human and all humans are different and therefore be patient cause a relationship is just that( re-la-ting) 4) if it's so critical still give it time or come to a resolution. If you chose well and don't have the type of relationship that the talking is a constant enshrining of negatives in your relationship then things will go well. 5) after doing your vetting don't go into a relationship like you go to a dealer to do a test drive. Own it. Be an adult and accept responsibility for your purchase. A relationship is not a dress you can return after you've seriously done your research and taken your time to choose etc etc etc
this run on sentence gave me a stroke
I say that discussion opens the door for reciprocal action, and that’s why talking is important.. but the problem doesn’t get fixed at the talking, it never does
My wife and I have stopped talking about our day at the end of it. She is a principal and often as something crappy happen, for a long time we would say one or two things about the day as we made dinner. This helped us reconnect and get on the same page. But with kids and busy schedules it was adding to the stress of our evening. To be exact we had a conversation about stopping that conversation, I didn't just want to stop asking her about her day as I get home before her and have her wonder why I stopped asking.
u should earn enough for her to not need to work. that would make it much better. i feel bad for her.
@@nfvjgrofgjvoldlkgvlo What a dumb statement to say in this economy.
@@nfvjgrofgjvoldlkgvlo who said i don't
@@nfvjgrofgjvoldlkgvlo and you should keep your opinions to yourself.
@@nfvjgrofgjvoldlkgvlo oh definitely, it's so easy making sure you earn more
Talking in a relationship is the woman dumping all the garbage on the man and the man has to suck it up. She likes it and he does not want to talk and she does not understand why since it works for her.
I actually had two fun relationships with women that barely spoke English with me barely speaking Spanish. It was weird, but I miss these women.
These situations are pretty memorable and light. Less yapping, more action.
Did they last though?😆I wonder why...
@@nk1645 Yep, we texted a lot as you might imagine and one went through my phone and ratted me out to the other.
Better to not commit things to writing.