This is structure he was talking about. What he explained was structure, then you can input it with your thoughts and your personal magic. You'll be more impactful that way!
And you get 35 likes just for repeating the first idea possed on this video? I don't get it. I don't expect it to be a rocket science chat but at least say something original and stop repeating like a talking parrot. at least try, for gods socks.
@@BranchDavidian- "absentmindedly" can't imagine a world where people get into a video "absentmindedly" but show real interest in somebody else's words on a daily small talk interaction...
1. be Interested not Interesting 2. Pause, don't react too quick (Use Paraphrasing) 3. "Tell me more" 4. Ok to make mis"take" - Connection not perfection 5. Be concise - tell the time not tell how to make the clock 6. Use Structure - a logical connection of your points (What - So What (Why) - Now What (What's Next)) 7. Curious about something around and start conversation 8. White flag ending (Tell them it's about to end)
Someone on reddit changed my whole outlook on small talk. He said "The topic of small talk doesn't matter, its about feeling safe and comfortable talking to them".
My mom is actually good at Small talks.. It even amazes me to find out she's friends with the most unapproachable people in town .. I asked her once how she does that, and she's like "nothing, I just genuinely compliment them on what they have or wear, and the rest is history" 😅
- View small talk as a collaborative effort to keep the conversation going (00:36). - Enter small talk with the goal to be interested, not interesting (1:06). - Focus attention on others to reduce the feeling of being judged (1:42). - Slow down your response to ensure appropriateness by paraphrasing (2:23). - Ask questions like "Tell me more" to engage others and buy time (3:38). - Treat communication mistakes as opportunities for a different 'take' (4:26). - Practice concision by getting to the point without over-explaining (5:11). - Use structured questions like "What? So what? Now what?" to guide conversations (6:09). - Initiate small talk with context-specific comments to pique curiosity (8:16). - Signal the end of a conversation with the 'white flag' approach (9:19).
I'm autistic and I can't stand small talk. I know some are important for building rapport, but I truly feel they are useless. Will definitely try this, because in my country small talk is more important than everything else to survive.
Yeah, you definitely need to learn on how to small talk. Sure, your condition might hinder you, but it should not be a total block for you to improve or progressing to interact with people. Who knows they might able to help you on future matters? Best of luck.
Remember, small tag talk is about making a connection and connections are hard. Think of life like a chess game. You don't wanna dominate but concentrate on moving the chess pieces in their proper place. You are trying to SEEM genuinely interested. Ppl want to talk about themselves. They want ppl to be interested in order to build a relationship, trust, whatever.
@@IDontKnowYouButsoooo, why you are saying is that all these individuals are LYING to each other in order to get social and potentially material advantage? Wow, what an awesome cultural sleight of hand! And yet the PNT (predominant neurotype) culture CASTIGATES Autistics and neurodivergent individuals for their ‘bluntness’ (HONESTY) because neurotypical culture is built on lying, obfuscation and a bunch of hidden ‘rules’ that make sense to no-one at all.
I'm autistic too. Social circumstances have caused me to be passive when befriending people in class. Now that I'm trying to be in a band, I'm trying to fit into a friend group. It's pretty difficult, but this is exactly why i should do it. I still feel like I'm more of a guy they slightly know, than I'm a friend to them. This is why i feel like i need to push harder and try to small talk, something which I'm afraid of doing, since i never really done that before.
@@alien_in_white_3 I have Aspergers and I will say that I overcomplicate how this works as well. Like anxiety will overrun my system about “what if they just don’t like me?” “What was the point of that last convo?” “Why would I be interesting to people?” And the truth I’ve come up with as that… they literally don’t care. People find me all kinds of ways interesting believe me but some people find me scary or intimidating others find me unorthodox and quirky others just like who I am. Unless they truly like who I am they 100% will forget about me in like a year max. People could not care less about you cause everyone is out for their best interests which if you make a connection with them and form groups will then become your interest as well. I wouldn’t compare it to chess although it’s not a bad metaphor more a game of investment. The more you put into something or someone the more you know them and hopefully like them but it can backfire if they don’t have the qualities preferable well that’s a bad investment so you pull away. If they have either qualities you prefer in yourself or others you like in them then they’re nice to be around. It’s kinda a no duh moment when you say it out loud but I always struggled to figure out if people liked me at all. They did but my constant worrying only drove them away so now I don’t worry but rather do stuff together and if they have a smile on their face or wish to do it again with me sometime then that’s all I need. So as long as your band mates are having fun with you and wish to keep you around then that’s all you really need. Of course you can form deeper connections but that comes later so just focus on having fun and based off how you use metaphors and have a proclivity for advanced wordage, you seem like a perspicacious person and also your willingness to help him makes you kind and to me at least those are traits you don’t find in your every day person.
I remember watching a lecture from this professor like 10 years ago. It was in the era RUclips didn’t have transcripts, so I wanted to have it printed, so I transcribed it myself. The “What? - So what? - Now what?” structure was presented in that talk. Nice memories. It felt like finding a gem in an ocean of videos. Cool times 😊
I wasn't exactly taught how to small talk when I was younger neither of my parents were very social people. Then I started an apprenticeship with my now boss who is a small talk master and a boomer (the best kind of small talkers), it is truly an art
For a while now I'm feeling I'm doing better socially in life, and now watching this I realize my small talk got better without noticing. That's really exciting news for me.
Notes for myself because i tend to forget right after watching!! - The goal of small talk: *to be interested* , not interesting - It's okay to pause to think of something to respond - *Paraphrase* to really understand what the other just said - Simply ask for more details if you feel like you have nothing to say - Think of mistakes just as a missed take. Just take that shot again - Structure: *What? - So what? - Now what?* 6:49 - Initiate by bringing up something unique you can observe from the environment - The *white flag technique* to end a small talk: tell them you need to go, but ask one more question to wrap up the convo - Just like anything else in life, practice is the key. Thank you so much for the video!!
This was very helpful. I’m naturally an introvert, but I’m also a Sr leader within my organization so networking is necessary. These tips definitely help. 👍
@@aur3liom lol it’s interesting. I use to think all leaders were extroverts, but that’s obviously not true. For me, I just need time to decompress from speaking and collaborating with teams. Having “me” time allows me to recharge and get in a good place mentally to handle managing my teams.
I'm in a similar situation - as senior role I have 0 issues in speaking and dealing with large crowds, but small talks kill me because I am an introvert and they almost give more anxiety than actual difficult conversations
@@skepticalbutopen4620 I'm struggling to break the barrier of shyness, because I'm planning to have a leader position in the future, but I can't do it unless I overcome it. And it's surprising for me to know that there are introverted leader out there. Makes me, in some way, hopeful.
My summation of this video Small talk tips: 1. Small talk is a collaborative process (hacky sack not tennis) 2. your goal is to be interested not interesting (take the spotlight off of you and pass it on to another) 3. take pauses before replying, less likely to say something inappropriate (eg. paraphrasing{validates other & what they said, gives you time to think about whats said}) 4. when you don't know what to say - "tell me more", "what did you mean by", "give me some details" - also gives you more time to think and find a connection 5. mistakes - it's about connection not perfection 6. what if too much to say - consise is better - "tell me the time, don't build me the clock" 7. What if not a natural speaker - Leverage structure - the logical connections of your points - eg. Jazz music - what, so what, now what? - Practice this by asking these 3 questions whenever you are consuming any content 8. how to get the conversation started - initiate through questions based on context / environment - initiate with something that piques curiosity 9. how to end convos - white flag approach - signal the end first then conclude the convo, rather than being abrupt
See a Stanford professor in a Harvard RUclips channel is amazing. It’s a win win for all. Collaborations like are great 👍🏽 I’ve been learning from Prof.Matt since he started his podcast and this video is the most complete nutshell of all of his podcasts. Genius
I think slowing down is the hard part for me. Sometimes it is almost literally painful to listen to unimportant streams of consciousness that some people use as small-talk. That’s why I prefer conversations with more depth. The “What, So What, Now What” concept seems like a good approach. I will definitely try that!
Just make your world about other people not yourself and you'll get instantly interesting! Patient, understanding, compassionate what more can you do?! That's the kind of person I would like to small-talk or even big-talk with. No cheat sheet needed, just being a genuine human
I learned it the hard way: small talk ain't easy. Even the best conversationalists have to learn to be proficient in small talk. Thanks much for these tips! 🙌
Recently, I realized that I'm not only introvert but also not good at communication. That's the reason I don't know what to say to other people around me. Sometimes, I don't even know how to respond to other's stories. This video does help me. Thank you!
1. View small talk as collaboration, not a test. 2. Focus on being interested, not interesting. 3. Give yourself permission to pause and think. 4. Use paraphrasing to show understanding and slow down. 5. Ask questions like "Tell me more" to keep the conversation going. 6. Accept mistakes as part of the process. 7. Be concise and clear in your responses. 8. Use structure: What? So what? Now what? 9. Initiate with context-specific observations. 10. End conversations gracefully using the "white flag" approach.
Thanks for the tips! Some of the most awkward situations I have experienced are: 1. Hanging out with a group of familiar friends that we semi-regularly hangout with. Usually, initiating conversations in this circle is not hard, but when we run out of topics, it gets silent and we're still not leaving the place we're hanging out at. How can I (or maybe we) signal that we're running out of topics, but content with silence? 2. Hanging out with a bunch of friends on a restaurant like a reunion. It's kinda hard to initiate a conversation in a large group situation, and often time it's those that are loud that talk the most. It's also a little intimidating to join in because as soon as you talk, like 10 people have their attention on you. Any advice on this? 3. I don't have a lot of trouble in initiating one on one small talks, but it does get awkward sometimes when somebody I rather dislike talks to me in a group setting and ask me some questions to which the answers I'd rather not share. How do I deal with these people and their questions? Ignoring makes it awkward. Sometimes they also make some provocative remarks that I usually just ignore.
Third point really indicates that you have to be dealing with a person in your friend circle that you know is really not your friend. That's sometimes hard😅
the first one is the toughest for me because I feel like I have to do something about the awkward silence, but sometimes you just have to recognize that no one's responsible for making it not awkward and its ok for things to be awkward. Sometimes silence is funny or points to a lack of interest in the topics you were talking about or people are just tired. something i need to work on is to stop blaming myself for the awkward silences and try to see if i can learn something from it. for the second, I don't like being the center of attention for large groups, so I kinda pick someone close to me and have my own little conversation with them. if they are listening into the larger group conversation, i'll ask them what they think about the topic. if they are the one's leading the conversation, I will ask a question. For me, I like to listen in on what im interested in rather than lead the conversation. If the other people want me to lead the conversation, I could but i wont initiate it myself. third, that sounds like an annoying person, I try to focus on being a kind person to them even if I dislike them and try to turn the topic away from myself. maybe you could find something you like about the person. If not, I would avoid them, or show them in some way that I don't want to be a part of whatever they're doing. in general, some people aren't worth your time so you dont have to spend energy trying to figure things out.
for the last one, set boundaries with the rude person and communicate with others in the friend group their behavior casually. So they know you aren't being an ahole when you eventually shut the rude person down.
Don't you have any humourous breaks for akward silences in your culture? In Russia if everyone at a table falls silent at the same time and the silence lasts for a few moments one might say: "A cop has died". It might seem rude and stupid to a person outside the culture but within the culture it's a funny superstition that works well as a silence breaker and a humurous intervention. Do you have anything like that? Some small superstition about what total silence signifies?
"Reframe the mistake to be a missed take. What you did wasn't wrong but maybe there is another way to do it and we can try it again" Nice :) this method could be applied to any case in life as well
Small talk is easy, but today people really don't have intimate conversations enough. This really struck me at a family reunion where come people will only talk completely superficially about stuff like baseball and the weather
that's why I think small talk plays an important role to connect with the person more, so then you can direct the small talk into a deeper conversation.
So the goal is conduct others into your personal interest just to make it "deep"? whilst they talking about baseball seem to be superficial, what would it be a good theme for a small talk on an intimate level as the OG suggested? @@lodokali
- conexão sem roteiro; - um jogo de colaboração, em vez de um jogo de tênis com lados individuais; - determinar objetivos apropriados, o que significa participar de uma conversa com a intenção de se interessar, sem, necessariamente, se _preocupar_ em ser interessante (como objetivo principal); - estar interessada na conversa muda a sua própria perspectiva; - não se preocupe em responder de forma rápida, pause. Você pode fazer isso parafraseando o que o outro disse. Isso pode ajudar, até mesmo, a te dar outra perspectiva; - pedir mais; - erros em uma conversa são coisas comuns. Conversas são sobre conexão, não perfeição; - concisão, falar de forma clara e breve. "Me diga as horas. Não me construa um relógio" -
This is really helpful! The thing I find hardest about small talk is when people are asking questions about me. I would rather just listen to what they say but if they’re somewhat competent at small talk they know to also ask questions
I appreciate videos like this because people tend to reduce ideas (like small talk) down to its most unpleasant parts and then avoid it at all costs. Really we can just change our perception of it and do it in our own enjoyable way.
Watching this has made me realize that one of the things that makes me so anxious about small talk (aside from having social anxiety) is being anxious about how/when to end it. This is good advice and I feel like having an exit strategy will help with the anxiety a little
These things takes practice to build the confidence, but this is super helpful. It makes me realize what successful really mean when they say ‘listen more than you talk.’ Understand the bottom like of what someone says and responding in an intelligent manner helps in all capacities.
Brilliant and concise. I've just recently got into a new job in a new country and pretty often meet with new colleagues at the office. We do ask common question like how do you do, or how was your weekend? However they go out more from politeness than a real interest in a talking. I have a good situation to practice Matt's advises and check how much the real improvement will be :)
When I watch this, it feels like you are having small talk to me, and you really put it nicely to end the video. I found many nice insights in this video and I'm going to apply it in my next conversation!
1. Be interested 2. Paraphrasing. Validate the person. Slow down to think. Understanding the bottomline 3. Tone should be happy when saying: Tell me more. Give me some more detail. What do you mean about that point? 4. Concision is almost always better in communication. Tell the me time, don't build the clock. 5.
Excellent content! I love how the host is maintaining such a friendly, warm personality the whole time! It really does take practice, good luck everyone!
Wow! Approximately 137% of YT videos on "How to get better at XYZ" provide no original ideas that you couldn't have thought of yourself in two minutes. This is one of the rare exceptions! The ideas in this are fantastic. I'm writing them all down and printing them on a paper, that I'll laminate and bless with the two sacred tears of the lost kingdom of Bunalafu. Good stuff.
I really like smart talks really. Talking with some stranger about life, that’s funny. Probably you will learn something new which can be usable in your life. 😊
The Framework - (1) What (2) So What (3) Now What - has been a game-changer in my professional life. People understand me better and I can sense that my colleagues perceive me as being more intelligent than I truly am. Get in the habit of practicing this framework and it'll pay dividends when it comes to your communication skills.
i honestly think that there should be a course on small talk / making connections / building friendships / etc .... mainly because all of this stuff has an impact on your life and career.
Thank you for this. I always think I have nothing interesting to say so the conversation is always cut short. Will be applying these techniques to my small talk conversations.
Год назад+10
Thank you so much. I don't have problems conversing in general, but I do have a hard time making small talk, starting... it makes me exhausted. But with these tips I think I can lighten the load a little.
Me too. Here are some questions to get the conversation going. Where are you from? What are you doing? What do you think about this or that? Or a simple tell me something interesting/funny leads to interesting small talk. Being interested in what someone is feeling, doing or thinking always works.
Totally agree, i have definitely been the guy trying to land something. Not necessarily to be interesting, but to feel the other person out to see what they like and don't like.
How come this is so useful?😭 I thought engaging in a small talk is all about experience. But this video just summed of why I haven't done it correctly all these time.
You can reduce your anxiety by placing the pressure on the other. :D But on a more serious note, good video. I used to be one of THOSE people who disliked even the idea of small talk but I do understand the value of it now. In it's really basic sense it's a way to tell other people that "I'm friendly". This video just takes a deep dive with this idea.
These are helpful as a nurse lol we need to be very good at small talk, establishing rapport, and being able to exit the room quickly without being rude
For concision and clarity, it makes sense for What, So what, and What now to be changed to What, Why, How. especially given that those are the key words used to describe each step in the sentence
He has to be related to Steve Martin, his facial expressions are pure Steve. I had to watch this twice to get over that; I will be trying this out; extreme introvert who avoids small talk, but due to work I have to engage.
be interested not interesting. pause and do not react as quickly as immediately. "Tell me more". It is okay to make mis"take". connection not perfection. be concise. tell the time not how to make a clock. use a structure. (logical connection to your point (What - So what (why) - Now What (What's Next)) Curious about something around and start conversation. White flag ( tell them it's boutta end)
i appreciate this, thank you. i am not against small talks with friends or colleagues or strangers however, oftentimes the other party is just giving one liner answer or just agrees to what i said then i continue the story or ask a question but the same pattern goes on and on. it makes me feel like i am interviewing that person i am talking to and it makes me think they're not interested in listening to me despite showing my interest in them. this is kind of tiring and now i dont want to start a conversation to them unless they initiate it.
"its not a mistake, it's a missed take" that was awesome! I'm gonna think that to myself next time I feel like I didn't interact the exact way I wanted to. This video was so helpful :)
This is so useful! I'm happy to see helpful instructions on small talk, since it's been so demonized by those who claim it's shallow. I think small talk is important to build rapport and trust, especially in workplace environments. It's definitely a skill worth learning.
Small talk for the most part is a pointless, surface level interaction. "How was your weekend?" "Good." "How was your weekend?" "Good." Ok, now what? Now that I know you had a good weekend and you know I had a good weekend, what happens next? When people go into details about their weekend, it's never anything interesting. You get the same plain and simple stuff every time. "What plans do you have for the weekend?" Answer: none of your business. Maybe the person feels like that's their personal business. Hell, maybe that person is selling drugs on the weekend and they would rather keep that to themselves. And then you have people who don't wanna be bothered with small talk. Small talk is not for everybody, specially introverts. For some or maybe most introverts, small talk is hard work. Take an introvert like myself for example. I can't stand small talk. I feel like I dumb myself down and lose brain cells every time I engage in it. I don't care about your weekend. I don't care to know how your day is going. I know it's hot outside. I know it's raining outside. I know it's cold outside. I know it's snowing outside. I know you don't care how I'm doing. I know you don't care how my day is going. I know you don't care about me weekend. Let's stop playing these games. Switch it up. Instead of making the same old, tired, boring, dried out, worn out, dead small talk, say something interesting. Go for the meat and potatoes. Ask somebody who's their favorite philosopher, their favorite poet. What books do they read. Are they voting Trump, Biden, or neither one. Open borders or closed borders. To hell with small. Small talk is trash. At times small talk is necessary but for the most part, small talk is trash. I wanna know what's bothering people. What's on their mind. Spit it out. Get it off your chest. Let's talk about it. If there's enuff time, let's go deep. Let's talk about inflation, wars, poverty, the meaning of life, solutions to our every day struggles. After the "good mornings" or "hello's," if nobody is gonna talk about something interesting or stir up an interesting interaction, be quiet. One of the many problematic things with small talk is, it creates a barrier in between people. Every time they see each other, they make the same old, tired, boring, dried out, worn out small talk. And so now their stuck, can't get out the small talk phase. As s result, they never get to know it's each other. Or you have one person trying to move on to a meaningful conversation but the other person keeps it small. There is nothing wrong with going straight into a conversation without the small talk. I go in a restaurant yesterday and immediately me and the waiter went right into a conversation without the small talk. That was the first time we seen each other but it felt like we knew each other for years. Too many extroverts have a sick obsession with small talk and they think it's the only way people can get to know each other. Not necessarily true. A lotta times you can skip the small talk and right into an interesting conversation. To get a better understanding of why most introverts hate small talk, I recommend you watch Bridget Hallisey's video titled "why most introverts hate small talk." Matt Walsh also did a great video explaining why most introverts think small talk is shallow and a big waste of time and mental energy.
My colleague uses paraphrasing, it works really well. This tool has some benefits: 1. Personal: You feel like you were heard and understood. I’m so grateful for her listening to me and I think she is amazing. 2. this tip additionally helps to clarify some details and get rid of misunderstandings, thereby we do our job better and with higher quality
I feel like I find small talk quite natural and fairly easy. But my issue has always been reigniting that conversation later on. The first conversation with a person ive just met can often last as long as I want it to, but then arranging another time to meet up or being able ot bring some kind of personal relationship out of it is very difficult for me I'd say.
Yeah I'm an introvert but since that I work in a BPO company, there are plenty of employees with different ethnicities, I kinda force myself to speak a stranger daily just to practice my small talks
This is really helpful, especially the part for structure the conversation (So what transition to now What?) and the nature of white flag for exit... Learned a lot!
00:00 “Small talk” is a misnomer for such an important part of communication. 01:07 Establish appropriate goals. 01:52 Give yourself permission to pause. 03:35 What if you feel like you have nothing smart to say? 04:24 What if I make a mistake or say something dumb? 05:09 What if my problem is that I have too much to say? 06:04 What tools can I use if none of this is natural to me? 07:53 How do I get the conversation started? 09:00 How do I end the conversation (gracefully)?
I used to engage in small talk, or just giving a greeting of the day. Over time, individuals gave attitude or were aggressive. Sometimes I’d just say “hi” and those that I said, “hi” to would give me a dirty look. Now I don’t even bother. I still smile at other people when they look at me, but they seem to get agitated at smiles now.
Wow!👏❤ This is "one of the best" video that I came across on this topic. It includes all those hindrances we often face while communicating with people and how we can tackle them. Insightful and practical. 🎥💯✨
I keep hearing people say they hate small talk and I realized I can’t relate 😂 I’m genuinely curious about people so I naturally ask questions and I’m quite animated so that opens the door for others to ask questions too.
This is great. Sometimes I feel like I need a manual for being a person.
Same 😅
I completely agree with you.
You said exactly how I'm feeling 😭🤣
U not wrong there
This is structure he was talking about. What he explained was structure, then you can input it with your thoughts and your personal magic. You'll be more impactful that way!
"Goal is to be interested not interesting" brilliant.
And you get 35 likes just for repeating the first idea possed on this video? I don't get it. I don't expect it to be a rocket science chat but at least say something original and stop repeating like a talking parrot. at least try, for gods socks.
@@AtrozGrimait's highlighting a portion of the video when people often watch absentmindedly and don't take in the information.
@@BranchDavidian- "absentmindedly" can't imagine a world where people get into a video "absentmindedly" but show real interest in somebody else's words on a daily small talk interaction...
@@AtrozGrima you must be new here, some people dont like listening to all that and come straight to the point, thus, they read comments.
Because people who do smalltalk are not interesting, so if you are not interesting, at least be interested
1. be Interested not Interesting
2. Pause, don't react too quick (Use Paraphrasing)
3. "Tell me more"
4. Ok to make mis"take" - Connection not perfection
5. Be concise - tell the time not tell how to make the clock
6. Use Structure - a logical connection of your points (What - So What (Why) - Now What (What's Next))
7. Curious about something around and start conversation
8. White flag ending (Tell them it's about to end)
The animation and video editing team deserve a raise. Good job guys!
0. Envision small talk as collaborating with others to keep the converstion moving
Nice paraphrasing! Thanks!
Minor thing but Tennis Court is drawn backwards. Each side needs to be flipped 180 °
Haha, good catch@@puneetbhatia2326
I need to watch this, yesterday I asked my local barber what did he do for living while having haircut.
😂
💀
Hhahah yooo 😂😂😂😂
The conversation died it was a quiet haircut I bet😂😂
Too funny
Someone on reddit changed my whole outlook on small talk. He said "The topic of small talk doesn't matter, its about feeling safe and comfortable talking to them".
Ok then.
I don't, and neither should they.
Exactly, smalltalk is for insecure people to suppress their anxiety.
@@mikerowave1986 or for anxious people to suppress their insecurities.
@@normanclatcher😂
@@mikerowave1986weird, I have heaps of anxiety and avoid small talk like the plague
As an introvert, I've learned that sometimes you have to engage in small talk even if you don't care at all.
That’s true sometimes i just dont care and u can feel that they don’t care either
How to gather introverts with one video:
😂
😂
as an introvert and a socially awkward person, thank you so much for this tips professor, I'll try to put this in action
What work field are you in
"Nice weather eh?"
"Aaahmmm... t- te- tell me more"
isn't as nice as your eyes
This is gold 😂😂😂
"so what?"
AHAHAHAHAHHAHWHWHAHW HELP
“Now what?”
My mom is actually good at Small talks.. It even amazes me to find out she's friends with the most unapproachable people in town .. I asked her once how she does that, and she's like "nothing, I just genuinely compliment them on what they have or wear, and the rest is history" 😅
- View small talk as a collaborative effort to keep the conversation going (00:36).
- Enter small talk with the goal to be interested, not interesting (1:06).
- Focus attention on others to reduce the feeling of being judged (1:42).
- Slow down your response to ensure appropriateness by paraphrasing (2:23).
- Ask questions like "Tell me more" to engage others and buy time (3:38).
- Treat communication mistakes as opportunities for a different 'take' (4:26).
- Practice concision by getting to the point without over-explaining (5:11).
- Use structured questions like "What? So what? Now what?" to guide conversations (6:09).
- Initiate small talk with context-specific comments to pique curiosity (8:16).
- Signal the end of a conversation with the 'white flag' approach (9:19).
I'm autistic and I can't stand small talk. I know some are important for building rapport, but I truly feel they are useless. Will definitely try this, because in my country small talk is more important than everything else to survive.
Yeah, you definitely need to learn on how to small talk. Sure, your condition might hinder you, but it should not be a total block for you to improve or progressing to interact with people.
Who knows they might able to help you on future matters? Best of luck.
Remember, small tag talk is about making a connection and connections are hard. Think of life like a chess game. You don't wanna dominate but concentrate on moving the chess pieces in their proper place. You are trying to SEEM genuinely interested. Ppl want to talk about themselves. They want ppl to be interested in order to build a relationship, trust, whatever.
@@IDontKnowYouButsoooo, why you are saying is that all these individuals are LYING to each other in order to get social and potentially material advantage? Wow, what an awesome cultural sleight of hand! And yet the PNT (predominant neurotype) culture CASTIGATES Autistics and neurodivergent individuals for their ‘bluntness’ (HONESTY) because neurotypical culture is built on lying, obfuscation and a bunch of hidden ‘rules’ that make sense to no-one at all.
I'm autistic too. Social circumstances have caused me to be passive when befriending people in class.
Now that I'm trying to be in a band, I'm trying to fit into a friend group. It's pretty difficult, but this is exactly why i should do it.
I still feel like I'm more of a guy they slightly know, than I'm a friend to them. This is why i feel like i need to push harder and try to small talk, something which I'm afraid of doing, since i never really done that before.
@@alien_in_white_3 I have Aspergers and I will say that I overcomplicate how this works as well. Like anxiety will overrun my system about “what if they just don’t like me?” “What was the point of that last convo?” “Why would I be interesting to people?” And the truth I’ve come up with as that… they literally don’t care. People find me all kinds of ways interesting believe me but some people find me scary or intimidating others find me unorthodox and quirky others just like who I am. Unless they truly like who I am they 100% will forget about me in like a year max. People could not care less about you cause everyone is out for their best interests which if you make a connection with them and form groups will then become your interest as well. I wouldn’t compare it to chess although it’s not a bad metaphor more a game of investment. The more you put into something or someone the more you know them and hopefully like them but it can backfire if they don’t have the qualities preferable well that’s a bad investment so you pull away. If they have either qualities you prefer in yourself or others you like in them then they’re nice to be around. It’s kinda a no duh moment when you say it out loud but I always struggled to figure out if people liked me at all. They did but my constant worrying only drove them away so now I don’t worry but rather do stuff together and if they have a smile on their face or wish to do it again with me sometime then that’s all I need. So as long as your band mates are having fun with you and wish to keep you around then that’s all you really need. Of course you can form deeper connections but that comes later so just focus on having fun and based off how you use metaphors and have a proclivity for advanced wordage, you seem like a perspicacious person and also your willingness to help him makes you kind and to me at least those are traits you don’t find in your every day person.
I remember watching a lecture from this professor like 10 years ago. It was in the era RUclips didn’t have transcripts, so I wanted to have it printed, so I transcribed it myself.
The “What? - So what? - Now what?” structure was presented in that talk. Nice memories. It felt like finding a gem in an ocean of videos. Cool times 😊
I think I know which video you are talking about. Seeing the grey on him, couldn't help but wonder how time passes
I wasn't exactly taught how to small talk when I was younger neither of my parents were very social people. Then I started an apprenticeship with my now boss who is a small talk master and a boomer (the best kind of small talkers), it is truly an art
I use the "I have to return some video tapes" to get our of small talk, I like the confused look on people's faces
American Psycho reference?
@@harvardbusinessreview 💯
always leave them wondering 😉😅
American psycho lol 😂
For a while now I'm feeling I'm doing better socially in life, and now watching this I realize my small talk got better without noticing. That's really exciting news for me.
Notes for myself because i tend to forget right after watching!!
- The goal of small talk: *to be interested* , not interesting
- It's okay to pause to think of something to respond
- *Paraphrase* to really understand what the other just said
- Simply ask for more details if you feel like you have nothing to say
- Think of mistakes just as a missed take. Just take that shot again
- Structure: *What? - So what? - Now what?* 6:49
- Initiate by bringing up something unique you can observe from the environment
- The *white flag technique* to end a small talk: tell them you need to go, but ask one more question to wrap up the convo
- Just like anything else in life, practice is the key.
Thank you so much for the video!!
Love the ending part. Not a trick but actually a respectful way to close a conversation
Mistake = Missed take. Amazing.
This was very helpful. I’m naturally an introvert, but I’m also a Sr leader within my organization so networking is necessary. These tips definitely help. 👍
Man.. similar situation here.
How that does work for you? Being an introvert and having a leadership position?
@@aur3liom lol it’s interesting. I use to think all leaders were extroverts, but that’s obviously not true. For me, I just need time to decompress from speaking and collaborating with teams. Having “me” time allows me to recharge and get in a good place mentally to handle managing my teams.
I'm in a similar situation - as senior role I have 0 issues in speaking and dealing with large crowds, but small talks kill me because I am an introvert and they almost give more anxiety than actual difficult conversations
@@skepticalbutopen4620 I'm struggling to break the barrier of shyness, because I'm planning to have a leader position in the future, but I can't do it unless I overcome it. And it's surprising for me to know that there are introverted leader out there. Makes me, in some way, hopeful.
My summation of this video
Small talk tips:
1. Small talk is a collaborative process (hacky sack not tennis)
2. your goal is to be interested not interesting (take the spotlight off of you and pass it on to another)
3. take pauses before replying, less likely to say something inappropriate (eg. paraphrasing{validates other & what they said, gives you time to think about whats said})
4. when you don't know what to say - "tell me more", "what did you mean by", "give me some details" - also gives you more time to think and find a connection
5. mistakes - it's about connection not perfection
6. what if too much to say - consise is better - "tell me the time, don't build me the clock"
7. What if not a natural speaker - Leverage structure - the logical connections of your points - eg. Jazz music - what, so what, now what? - Practice this by asking these 3 questions whenever you are consuming any content
8. how to get the conversation started - initiate through questions based on context / environment - initiate with something that piques curiosity
9. how to end convos - white flag approach - signal the end first then conclude the convo, rather than being abrupt
See a Stanford professor in a Harvard RUclips channel is amazing. It’s a win win for all. Collaborations like are great 👍🏽 I’ve been learning from Prof.Matt since he started his podcast and this video is the most complete nutshell of all of his podcasts. Genius
I think slowing down is the hard part for me. Sometimes it is almost literally painful to listen to unimportant streams of consciousness that some people use as small-talk. That’s why I prefer conversations with more depth. The “What, So What, Now What” concept seems like a good approach. I will definitely try that!
"Good weather, eh?" - "So what?!"
Just make your world about other people not yourself and you'll get instantly interesting! Patient, understanding, compassionate what more can you do?! That's the kind of person I would like to small-talk or even big-talk with. No cheat sheet needed, just being a genuine human
I learned it the hard way: small talk ain't easy. Even the best conversationalists have to learn to be proficient in small talk. Thanks much for these tips! 🙌
Recently, I realized that I'm not only introvert but also not good at communication. That's the reason I don't know what to say to other people around me. Sometimes, I don't even know how to respond to other's stories. This video does help me. Thank you!
Practice makes perfect!
@djulie8403, I feel the same and I struggle every day in a work place and the social situations.
1. View small talk as collaboration, not a test.
2. Focus on being interested, not interesting.
3. Give yourself permission to pause and think.
4. Use paraphrasing to show understanding and slow down.
5. Ask questions like "Tell me more" to keep the conversation going.
6. Accept mistakes as part of the process.
7. Be concise and clear in your responses.
8. Use structure: What? So what? Now what?
9. Initiate with context-specific observations.
10. End conversations gracefully using the "white flag" approach.
It really helps ! I always have to being engaged at small talk, which I believe it is not my forte. After listening to this, I can make it my forte.
Love videos like these. Better to help teach and train those who aren’t well socially oriented rather than further exiling them
A lot of it can be described as genuinely taking an interest in the other person and engaging with them.
These tips were helpful; thank you!
Thanks for the tips! Some of the most awkward situations I have experienced are:
1. Hanging out with a group of familiar friends that we semi-regularly hangout with. Usually, initiating conversations in this circle is not hard, but when we run out of topics, it gets silent and we're still not leaving the place we're hanging out at. How can I (or maybe we) signal that we're running out of topics, but content with silence?
2. Hanging out with a bunch of friends on a restaurant like a reunion. It's kinda hard to initiate a conversation in a large group situation, and often time it's those that are loud that talk the most. It's also a little intimidating to join in because as soon as you talk, like 10 people have their attention on you. Any advice on this?
3. I don't have a lot of trouble in initiating one on one small talks, but it does get awkward sometimes when somebody I rather dislike talks to me in a group setting and ask me some questions to which the answers I'd rather not share. How do I deal with these people and their questions? Ignoring makes it awkward. Sometimes they also make some provocative remarks that I usually just ignore.
Third point really indicates that you have to be dealing with a person in your friend circle that you know is really not your friend. That's sometimes hard😅
Man, I feel you. I struggled a lot with your third point this year.
the first one is the toughest for me because I feel like I have to do something about the awkward silence, but sometimes you just have to recognize that no one's responsible for making it not awkward and its ok for things to be awkward. Sometimes silence is funny or points to a lack of interest in the topics you were talking about or people are just tired. something i need to work on is to stop blaming myself for the awkward silences and try to see if i can learn something from it.
for the second, I don't like being the center of attention for large groups, so I kinda pick someone close to me and have my own little conversation with them. if they are listening into the larger group conversation, i'll ask them what they think about the topic. if they are the one's leading the conversation, I will ask a question. For me, I like to listen in on what im interested in rather than lead the conversation. If the other people want me to lead the conversation, I could but i wont initiate it myself.
third, that sounds like an annoying person, I try to focus on being a kind person to them even if I dislike them and try to turn the topic away from myself. maybe you could find something you like about the person. If not, I would avoid them, or show them in some way that I don't want to be a part of whatever they're doing. in general, some people aren't worth your time so you dont have to spend energy trying to figure things out.
for the last one, set boundaries with the rude person and communicate with others in the friend group their behavior casually. So they know you aren't being an ahole when you eventually shut the rude person down.
Don't you have any humourous breaks for akward silences in your culture? In Russia if everyone at a table falls silent at the same time and the silence lasts for a few moments one might say: "A cop has died". It might seem rude and stupid to a person outside the culture but within the culture it's a funny superstition that works well as a silence breaker and a humurous intervention. Do you have anything like that? Some small superstition about what total silence signifies?
"Reframe the mistake to be a missed take. What you did wasn't wrong but maybe there is another way to do it and we can try it again"
Nice :) this method could be applied to any case in life as well
Small talk is easy, but today people really don't have intimate conversations enough. This really struck me at a family reunion where come people will only talk completely superficially about stuff like baseball and the weather
that's why I think small talk plays an important role to connect with the person more, so then you can direct the small talk into a deeper conversation.
So the goal is conduct others into your personal interest just to make it "deep"? whilst they talking about baseball seem to be superficial, what would it be a good theme for a small talk on an intimate level as the OG suggested? @@lodokali
- conexão sem roteiro;
- um jogo de colaboração, em vez de um jogo de tênis com lados individuais;
- determinar objetivos apropriados, o que significa participar de uma conversa com a intenção de se interessar, sem, necessariamente, se _preocupar_ em ser interessante (como objetivo principal);
- estar interessada na conversa muda a sua própria perspectiva;
- não se preocupe em responder de forma rápida, pause. Você pode fazer isso parafraseando o que o outro disse. Isso pode ajudar, até mesmo, a te dar outra perspectiva;
- pedir mais;
- erros em uma conversa são coisas comuns. Conversas são sobre conexão, não perfeição;
- concisão, falar de forma clara e breve. "Me diga as horas. Não me construa um relógio"
-
This is really helpful!
The thing I find hardest about small talk is when people are asking questions about me. I would rather just listen to what they say but if they’re somewhat competent at small talk they know to also ask questions
Real
I appreciate videos like this because people tend to reduce ideas (like small talk) down to its most unpleasant parts and then avoid it at all costs. Really we can just change our perception of it and do it in our own enjoyable way.
I'm gonna set a reminder to watch this once a month
As a 6 month old toddler who has been crying ,eating , sleeping and hasn't interacted with anyone at all. This helped thanks!
Watching this has made me realize that one of the things that makes me so anxious about small talk (aside from having social anxiety) is being anxious about how/when to end it. This is good advice and I feel like having an exit strategy will help with the anxiety a little
These things takes practice to build the confidence, but this is super helpful. It makes me realize what successful really mean when they say ‘listen more than you talk.’ Understand the bottom like of what someone says and responding in an intelligent manner helps in all capacities.
This is much too complicated. Can I just hire you to talk to people for me?
🤣
Whut? How you remind me of my friends 😅
😂😂😂
😂😂
😂
Brilliant and concise. I've just recently got into a new job in a new country and pretty often meet with new colleagues at the office. We do ask common question like how do you do, or how was your weekend? However they go out more from politeness than a real interest in a talking. I have a good situation to practice Matt's advises and check how much the real improvement will be :)
When I watch this, it feels like you are having small talk to me, and you really put it nicely to end the video. I found many nice insights in this video and I'm going to apply it in my next conversation!
This gotta be one of the best videos about how to be great at small talk
1. Be interested
2. Paraphrasing. Validate the person. Slow down to think. Understanding the bottomline
3. Tone should be happy when saying: Tell me more. Give me some more detail. What do you mean about that point?
4. Concision is almost always better in communication. Tell the me time, don't build the clock.
5.
Excellent content! I love how the host is maintaining such a friendly, warm personality the whole time! It really does take practice, good luck everyone!
"Tell me time, dont build me a clock". This was powerful
Wow!
Approximately 137% of YT videos on "How to get better at XYZ" provide no original ideas that you couldn't have thought of yourself in two minutes.
This is one of the rare exceptions! The ideas in this are fantastic. I'm writing them all down and printing them on a paper, that I'll laminate and bless with the two sacred tears of the lost kingdom of Bunalafu.
Good stuff.
I really like smart talks really. Talking with some stranger about life, that’s funny. Probably you will learn something new which can be usable in your life. 😊
The Framework - (1) What (2) So What (3) Now What - has been a game-changer in my professional life. People understand me better and I can sense that my colleagues perceive me as being more intelligent than I truly am. Get in the habit of practicing this framework and it'll pay dividends when it comes to your communication skills.
i honestly think that there should be a course on small talk / making connections / building friendships / etc .... mainly because all of this stuff has an impact on your life and career.
Thank you for this. I always think I have nothing interesting to say so the conversation is always cut short. Will be applying these techniques to my small talk conversations.
Thank you so much. I don't have problems conversing in general, but I do have a hard time making small talk, starting... it makes me exhausted. But with these tips I think I can lighten the load a little.
Me too. Here are some questions to get the conversation going. Where are you from? What are you doing? What do you think about this or that? Or a simple tell me something interesting/funny leads to interesting small talk. Being interested in what someone is feeling, doing or thinking always works.
God Bless The Internet, and this channel of course..
Totally agree, i have definitely been the guy trying to land something. Not necessarily to be interesting, but to feel the other person out to see what they like and don't like.
I've tried using some of these techniques and they make a huge difference!!
I'm autistic but also a lawyer and these tips are life-saving.
Going to keep this in my e-pocket forever (wish I saw this decades ago, especially love the "What/So What/What's Next"). Thank you!
How come this is so useful?😭
I thought engaging in a small talk is all about experience. But this video just summed of why I haven't done it correctly all these time.
You can reduce your anxiety by placing the pressure on the other. :D But on a more serious note, good video. I used to be one of THOSE people who disliked even the idea of small talk but I do understand the value of it now. In it's really basic sense it's a way to tell other people that "I'm friendly". This video just takes a deep dive with this idea.
This video is really great. The most interesting thing is " tell me more" tip in small talk. That makes me understand more the story from the partner.
These are helpful as a nurse lol we need to be very good at small talk, establishing rapport, and being able to exit the room quickly without being rude
For concision and clarity, it makes sense for What, So what, and What now to be changed to What, Why, How. especially given that those are the key words used to describe each step in the sentence
He has to be related to Steve Martin, his facial expressions are pure Steve. I had to watch this twice to get over that; I will be trying this out; extreme introvert who avoids small talk, but due to work I have to engage.
be interested not interesting. pause and do not react as quickly as immediately. "Tell me more". It is okay to make mis"take". connection not perfection. be concise. tell the time not how to make a clock. use a structure. (logical connection to your point (What - So what (why) - Now What (What's Next)) Curious about something around and start conversation. White flag ( tell them it's boutta end)
"wow, that looks like good food over there"
found the best small talk exit, great video!
It’s so useful. I struggled a lot every time I talked to strangers.
i appreciate this, thank you. i am not against small talks with friends or colleagues or strangers however, oftentimes the other party is just giving one liner answer or just agrees to what i said then i continue the story or ask a question but the same pattern goes on and on. it makes me feel like i am interviewing that person i am talking to and it makes me think they're not interested in listening to me despite showing my interest in them. this is kind of tiring and now i dont want to start a conversation to them unless they initiate it.
It’s ok to acknowledge for yourself that there is no connection with that person. Sometimes there is just no common ground…
Matt Abraham is a great communicator, I follow his Think fast talk smart podcast
"its not a mistake, it's a missed take" that was awesome! I'm gonna think that to myself next time I feel like I didn't interact the exact way I wanted to. This video was so helpful :)
"The more interested u to the world arround, the more interesting u become."
This is so useful! I'm happy to see helpful instructions on small talk, since it's been so demonized by those who claim it's shallow. I think small talk is important to build rapport and trust, especially in workplace environments. It's definitely a skill worth learning.
Small talk for the most part is a pointless, surface level interaction. "How was your weekend?" "Good." "How was your weekend?" "Good." Ok, now what? Now that I know you had a good weekend and you know I had a good weekend, what happens next? When people go into details about their weekend, it's never anything interesting. You get the same plain and simple stuff every time. "What plans do you have for the weekend?"
Answer: none of your business. Maybe the person feels like that's their personal business. Hell, maybe that person is selling drugs on the weekend and they would rather keep that to themselves.
And then you have people who don't wanna be bothered with small talk. Small talk is not for everybody, specially introverts. For some or maybe most introverts, small talk is hard work. Take an introvert like myself for example. I can't stand small talk. I feel like I dumb myself down and lose brain cells every time I engage in it. I don't care about your weekend. I don't care to know how your day is going. I know it's hot outside. I know it's raining outside. I know it's cold outside. I know it's snowing outside. I know you don't care how I'm doing. I know you don't care how my day is going. I know you don't care about me weekend. Let's stop playing these games. Switch it up. Instead of making the same old, tired, boring, dried out, worn out, dead small talk, say something interesting. Go for the meat and potatoes. Ask somebody who's their favorite philosopher, their favorite poet. What books do they read. Are they voting Trump, Biden, or neither one. Open borders or closed borders. To hell with small. Small talk is trash. At times small talk is necessary but for the most part, small talk is trash. I wanna know what's bothering people. What's on their mind. Spit it out. Get it off your chest. Let's talk about it. If there's enuff time, let's go deep. Let's talk about inflation, wars, poverty, the meaning of life, solutions to our every day struggles. After the "good mornings" or "hello's," if nobody is gonna talk about something interesting or stir up an interesting interaction, be quiet.
One of the many problematic things with small talk is, it creates a barrier in between people. Every time they see each other, they make the same old, tired, boring, dried out, worn out small talk. And so now their stuck, can't get out the small talk phase. As s result, they never get to know it's each other. Or you have one person trying to move on to a meaningful conversation but the other person keeps it small. There is nothing wrong with going straight into a conversation without the small talk. I go in a restaurant yesterday and immediately me and the waiter went right into a conversation without the small talk. That was the first time we seen each other but it felt like we knew each other for years. Too many extroverts have a sick obsession with small talk and they think it's the only way people can get to know each other. Not necessarily true. A lotta times you can skip the small talk and right into an interesting conversation.
To get a better understanding of why most introverts hate small talk, I recommend you watch Bridget Hallisey's video titled "why most introverts hate small talk." Matt Walsh also did a great video explaining why most introverts think small talk is shallow and a big waste of time and mental energy.
My colleague uses paraphrasing, it works really well. This tool has some benefits:
1. Personal: You feel like you were heard and understood. I’m so grateful for her listening to me and I think she is amazing.
2. this tip additionally helps to clarify some details and get rid of misunderstandings, thereby we do our job better and with higher quality
“Brevity is the soul of wit.” - William Shakespeare
"Let's get down to wit." -Me, just now.
Great Advice ! I often face issues moving the needle when having small talks, I will try to apply these techniques in my day to day conversations.
I feel like I find small talk quite natural and fairly easy. But my issue has always been reigniting that conversation later on. The first conversation with a person ive just met can often last as long as I want it to, but then arranging another time to meet up or being able ot bring some kind of personal relationship out of it is very difficult for me I'd say.
Same here. Ive always thought i was weird .Have you found anything that helps with this.?
@ not really lol. I’m only feeling like this even more strongly nowadays…
Exactly what 3 years of fundraising at a nonprofit has taught me! Couldn't stop saying “yup” every 30 secs
7:53 This is why myself and so many others despise small-talk and think this is what small-talk is.
This is the only senseful and useful video that I've seen in this category🙏🏻 I would even call it philosophical in a way
Yeah I'm an introvert but since that I work in a BPO company, there are plenty of employees with different ethnicities, I kinda force myself to speak a stranger daily just to practice my small talks
This is probably one of the best videos I've ever seen in the platform. Loved it
This is really helpful, especially the part for structure the conversation (So what transition to now What?) and the nature of white flag for exit... Learned a lot!
Great to see the face of "Think Fast, talk smart" podcast.
Would really appreciate more of such videos, so informative and valuable. More to learn
Concise and clear, and you seem very open with your smile. Made some notes to practice it!
00:00 “Small talk” is a misnomer for such an important part of communication.
01:07 Establish appropriate goals.
01:52 Give yourself permission to pause.
03:35 What if you feel like you have nothing smart to say?
04:24 What if I make a mistake or say something dumb?
05:09 What if my problem is that I have too much to say?
06:04 What tools can I use if none of this is natural to me?
07:53 How do I get the conversation started?
09:00 How do I end the conversation (gracefully)?
Wonderful! Gentle, self-effacing presentation of top-notch advice.
Lots of good tips. But most important as being said in wrap up - to practice and start small talk with others. Let’s try!
This is GOLD to me thank you ! I have NVLD and this just gave me some hope communication wise !
I used to think that small talks is a waste of time because that's what the internet says, didn't know I'll be missing out on life
I think I'm pretty good at small talk, but the ENDING always made me uncomfortable, wow I needed that last minute of video. Thanks!!!
The Title "even enjoy it"
Makes sense
Great video! Lots of useful tips. I especially love, "tell me the time, don't build me the clock" 5:09 Brilliant.
I used to engage in small talk, or just giving a greeting of the day. Over time, individuals gave attitude or were aggressive. Sometimes I’d just say “hi” and those that I said, “hi” to would give me a dirty look. Now I don’t even bother. I still smile at other people when they look at me, but they seem to get agitated at smiles now.
Wow!👏❤
This is "one of the best" video that I came across on this topic. It includes all those hindrances we often face while communicating with people and how we can tackle them.
Insightful and practical. 🎥💯✨
I love this video, watch it each time before I go to a social event as a prep talk
Great video. I really liked the phrases "see a mistake as a missed take" and "be interested, not interesting".
I genuinely felt like I could breathe better after watching this.
I keep hearing people say they hate small talk and I realized I can’t relate 😂 I’m genuinely curious about people so I naturally ask questions and I’m quite animated so that opens the door for others to ask questions too.
This is a good topic for me because I really like to have small talk with others.