The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester
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- Опубликовано: 6 фев 2025
- In a world of increasing complexity but decreasing free time, the role of the trusted ‘explainer’ has never been more important. Charles Duhigg is a literal prizewinner in the field and won the Pulitzer Prize for Explanatory Reporting for his team’s series of articles in the New York Times explaining the (not always wonderful) impact of Apple and big tech on the global economy. He’s also the author of the massive bestseller, The Power of Habit.
Charles joined us in Manchester to discuss his latest research and book on Supercommunicators which strikes us as the perfect ‘meta’ topic for a TEDx event. We can all appreciate the incredible power of communication. But while we’re all trying to communicate, some of us clearly do it better than others. Why?
According to Charles’ latest work, supercommunicators understand that whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of three conversations: practical (What’s this really about?), emotional (How do we feel?), and social (Who are we?). If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, you’re unlikely to connect. “Supercommunicators” know the importance of recognizing-and then matching-each kind of conversation and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held beliefs that color so much of what we say and how we listen. He says that our experiences, our values, our emotional lives-and how we see ourselves and others-shape every discussion, from who will pick up the kids to how we want to be treated at work. Learn why some people are able to make themselves heard, and to hear others, so clearly. Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporter and the author of the international bestsellers The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. His works have been translated into over 45 languages. He is a former journalist for the Los Angeles Times and New York Times and currently writes for The New Yorker magazine.
He is a winner of the National Academies of Sciences, National Journalism, and George Polk awards. A graduate of Harvard Business School and Yale College, he lives in California with his wife and two children. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Summary.
You become a super communicator by knowing which conversation you are in. There're 3 types of conversations:
1. Practical: What is this really about? How can I help?
2. Emotional: How do you feel
3. Social: Who are we.
All of you must be either on 1, 2, or 3 to communicate well. If one is on 2 while another is on 3, it will cause conflicts.
With practical, you offer help. With emotional, you listen and reciprocate emotional.
With social, you reciprocate vulnerability.
And that's how you become a super communicator.
That was a super communication
That is transactional analysis model by Eric Berne
thank you so much you don't understand how much this helped me
King for this
😅
“Instead of asking the facts of someone’s life, ask how they feel about life” really got to me, that is beautiful.
Hi, what questions to ask when im talking with my dad and want to convince to buy a house doesnt matter if it is small. To buy land and I know he can afford but isn't thinking about it.
This TED talk deserves one billion views
8 billion, at least.
Moral of the story: try to connect emotionally by asking deep questions.
“Do you want to be helped, hugged or heard?”
０．０
over simplification but okay
I think he's actually saying this--try to ask deep questions to figure out what kind of conversation you're having (practical, emotional, or social). His point is that both people must be having the same conversation to communicate effectively as shown by the research.
The emotional conversations will likely result in the strongest connection with someone because that's usually where vulnerability happens.
Moral of the story… emotional intelligence is key to making a difference in our personal and professional lives too
The last time I cried in front of others was a few days ago in front of my young elementary school students. On this day, a gift which was given to a child by his dad was stolen. I talked to the kids and while I was talking about how sad I would be if someone would steal the gift that my dad gave me because my dad passed away very long time ago and I will never get any gift from him again. I don't know why but it got me so emotional and I had to cry.
... the next day, a little boy came to me and gave me a chestnut as a gift, which he found on the playground at school. He smiled when he saw me and said " Hello Binh, I have something for you. I found this chestnut while playing outside. I really want you to get it as a gift". I was so surprised and touched. He made my day ❤
Perfect 🤗
Ohhh, my darling, it gets me emotional too❤❤❤
This made me cry. Beautiful moment
@ecasado7 Thank you 🍀
Last time I cried was many years ago, when my Nan died. It felt forced though. I just don't cry for real any more. I mean, that's what being a man is, right? ...
When was the last time you cried in front of someone? The last time I cried in front of someone was two weeks ago, in front of my wife. I had a terrible day of depression. Everything seemed so messed up. I've been unemployed for five months now, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I feel useless, I don't have a clue about my purpose. I keep going, though. I do art, I write, I act, I'm studying, doing interviews for new roles. But that day I felt so distant from everything, from everyone. We never really win against depression or anxiety; it's a never-ending battle. But I'm happy to say that even if most of the time is filled with desperation, the short, wonderful times of love, enlightenment, and care are the best times and make it worthwhile.
The last time I cried was today, in Walmart, among complete strangers. My cashier and the lady behind me were kind when I blurted out something that was bothering me and I cried.
@@colleenwood8220why did reading this make me cry wtf
@@colleenwood8220 what was bothering you?
Big hugs friend
My first thought was, I don't remember. Probably last year when my Dad died. I think I cried for a brief moment in front of one of my brothers. I'm not sure I actually did, though. I just don't remember.
Not sure why, but I’ve intuitively known this all my life, it’s created a lot of beautiful conversations with people
Sams
Yes, I kind of felt the same, in that I try to empathise with others and listen to them. Although this opened my mind to realising that most conversations are about the literal tangible facts, and this Talk emphasises that we should focus on the other person's feelings about the subject instead.
"Time is the backdrop of our lives and the very fabric of the cosmos. Depending on whom you ask, time is money, time is love, time is work, time is play, time is enjoying friends, time is raising children, and time is much more. Time is what you make of it.
The greatest gift that you can give to others and to yourself is time. Embrace the gift of time whether you give it or receive it.
Our time is brief, and it will pass no matter what we do. So let us have purpose in spending it. Let us spend it so that our time matters to each of us, and matters to all those whose lives we touch."
Philip Zimbardo
Beautiful
Thank you Chuck. You made my day and truthfully it was a really bad day. ♥️☘️
@@janetslicer3637 You're certainly welcome Janet, and thank you for expressing your
gratitude. 🤗🥰
"One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.
To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness
Happiness does not exclude sadness - if a person responds to life, he's sometimes happy and sometimes sad. What matters is he responds.
Love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love towards themselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others.
Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.
Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.
To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern - and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.
What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other --- but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness --- of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him.
In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the other's sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing something to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him.”
Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
The present day shows with appalling clarity how little able people are to let the other man’s argument count, although this capacity is a fundamental and indispensable condition for any human community. Everyone who proposes to come to terms with himself must reckon with this basic problem.
For, to the degree that he does not admit the validity of the other person, he denies the “other” within himself the right to exist-and vice versa. The capacity for inner dialogue is a touchstone for outer objectivity.”
C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung
“It is interesting that for Plato, and for most Platonists, an altruistic individualism cannot exist. According to Plato, the only alternative to collectivism is egoism; he simply identifies all altruism with collectivism, and all individualism with egoism. This is not a matter of terminology, of mere words, for instead of four possibilities, Plato recognized only two. This has created considerable confusion in speculation on ehtical matters, even down to our own day.
Plato’s identification of individualism with egoism furnishes him with a powerful weapon for his defence of collectivism as well as for his attack upon individualism. In defending collectivism, he can appeal to our humanitarian feeling of unselfishness; in his attack, he can brand all individualists as selfish, as incapable of devotion to anything but themselves. This attack, although aimed by Plato against individualism in our sense, i.e. against the rights of human individuals, reaches of course only a very different target, egoism. But this difference is constantly ignored by Plato and by most Platonists...
Individualism was part of the old intuitive idea of justice. That justice is not, as Plato would have it, the health and harmony of the state, but rather a certain way of treating individuals, is emphasized by Aristotle, when he says, ‘justice is something that pertains to persons.”
Karl Popper
"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."
Jack Kornfield
@@chuckheppner4384 What can I say? I am overwhelmed with the quotes Chuck. I can't even say I understand them all. But then again, I am a bit detached from everyday life. I am still trying to understand my husband's suicide two and a half years ago. The other day I had to put my dog down. Hence my first comment to you. We just never know what cards will be dealt to us. Live and learn. Best wishes. ♥️☘️
Time is the only resource.
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
"Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge; hope's strength, resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
--Diamond Dragons (series)
When a family member complains about something or shares their challenges, my most natural instinct would try to fix it by offering a solution (because this is something I would seek if the roles were reversed). This conversation would always end unfruitful, leaving both of us disappointed. Now I would simply enquire if they are seeking any resolution. And I also know that this particular individual seeks to share their problems instead of accepting or seeking resolution. It is hard but it is what it is.
Do you want to be heard helped or hugged .. I love that .
- When did you cry in front of someone ?
- A discussion is multiple conversations.
Successful communication requires us to recognize what kind of communication is happening and matching them.
- Ask deep questions: something which invites us to talk about values etc.
Ask about how they feel about their life - Vulnerability is the key to allowing us to connect with other people.
- If something happens to you again and again, then maybe the problem is with you.
Ask the deep questions. Emotional conversations ( How do we feel ).
Asking emotional questions allows us to be vulnerable and therefore authentic, which of course is the highest vibrational frequency and makes us the most magnetic in conversation.
I love this!
Yesterday, I realized I was having conversations with my daughter that were not promising for us to have more.
How wonderful I allow myself to listen to this one!
Thank you, Charles Duhigg!
Hey! Amazing Ted talk! Really learned a lot in less than 15m! I have 2 dilemmas though, regarding this advices.
1. So there are 3 types of conversations. And you need to be in the same one that the other person is in. The problem is, how do you find out in what conversation the other person is? Because I feel like some persons have 1 of those types as their default type of communication. And sometimes they need help emotionaly but they won't admit it, so bringing up that type of conversation, even tho its needed, will iritate them. How do you hendle this situation?
2. A lot of ppl don't want to express their emotions. That's why asking the question "When was the last time you cried in front of someone" to a stranger will make things worse. So many ppl locked their emotions VERY deeply inside them and 1 random question won't reveal anything from them. Instead they will either be offended or very skeptical about you. The exact opposite of what I intend.
I think asking a deep question can work only when you know what to ask. There is a specific topic in every person that when triggered by the right question, they will open up. But that is extremely difficult to do, and it becomes harder the less you know the person. So asking a stranger such a deep question is most of the time going to finish bad. Unless you are absurdly lucky to ask the perfect person that question, and thus making them open up. So the dilemma is, how do I find what topic to trigger at the right time in the right context?
Thank you in advance! 🙏
Consider that your talk just got heard, hugged and helped someone else today! Thank you.
This shows Charles Duhigg is a man overwhelmingly deserving of his Pulitzer Award. Not only is he a great teacher of anything he researches. But is able to inform us on great and practical information. I love all of his reporting.
You actually cannot be serious. For what? For deliveryi? Right here he is replicating someone else´s findings.
@@MaYa-wc2no looks like you forgot about high school presentations. Not everyone getting As on their subjects. Maybe except you. You get all the As.
I was 5 minutes in, thinking, “this sounds like an exact rip-off of a book I just read.” Then it hit me to look at the speaker’s name. Charles Duhigg, author of “Super Communicators,” the book I just read. I’m smart.
heheh
😂😂
How’s your communication level going on?
Did you adapt.
I posted the video (never cried on camera before) and it just went viral. So, it’s time stamped and I’ve met a LOT of new kindhearted change-makers and motivational people who want systemic change for humanity. It’s been a WILD ride. Authentic Vulnerability has been life changing for me
Edifying indeed, Mr. Charls made it super easy to comprehend. It resonates where people don't just communicate, but they connect. Where the sense of being human is kept in the first place, then all the hectic logos of life. Indeed, it's spot on.
In family medicine, we call these deep questions: active listening CEA (catharsis-education-action) counseling 🤗
Thanks for sharing this mnemonic- makes perfect sense. Thanks
Are you aware of motivational interviewing
Great Talk!
Life is all about the meanings we assign to it, and the feelings associated with that meaning.
When we know this, we can all become better communicators.
The other great revelation is that the introduction of more concepts can create division, whereas a return to simplicity can create Unity.
When we return to the fundamentals of Love, Respect and Truth, most differences can be resolved or at least reconciled and communication becomes a whole lot easier to partake in.
This is facts though, I straight up asked a guy at work that I barley talked to “are you happy” and we went on taking for the rest of the day
Friends on
This is beautiful. I need one that emphasizes certain things to say at certain times cause most of the time I only listen with zero clue as to what to say. Especially when it's an emotional conversation.
Glad to have startups that want to find new ways to create mycelium based foods! Incredible work!
3:50 i run an animal rescue in a village and we live on a farm and boundaries sometimes get blurred between personal and professional, and I've been doing exactly that ... asking people if they just want to talk, or are looking for solution and are they coming to me as a boss or an elder brother of sorts. I wasn't sure if what i was doing was "okay" as most people dont usually ask and seem to figure things out, but i dont like assuming. So, this wss good to know!
my key takeaway:
- understand what the other person want to hear, understand what kinda mental situation are in and what they craving to hear (support, maybe a question, wisdom,...) and then rear the convo to that direction first, and then lay the in4 u want them to hear later
- ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION
Today. In front of my father. He just had prostate cancer removed and I shed tears talking about the will of the house. I said my brother who he did not raise will liquidate and get rid of my family home. I will want to cherish my childhood home forever.
One of the best TEDx talks that I have listened to !! Few takeaways!
I'v learned many things from the speech about effective communication. Communication is such thing that we need Every moment of our life. We should be more aware about conversation.
In conversation, we need to understand the feeling of Speaker, we need listen carefully and connect each other by deep conversation. Most of the time we made our conversation boredom that leads an valueless conversation.
I never been to cry in front of someone but only in a death.
This was super insightful!
Asking deep questions brings about a strong level of connection between you and the individual(s) you are communicating with.
Thank you so much for sharing.
"who want to really answer that question?"
done and the guy actually answer the question emotionally
Fantastic and insightful talk! In the age of Digital-Everything taking over our lives and communication it’s critical we remember how to relate to people, especially those with opposing opinions.
It was absouletly delightful explanation about how we connect each other, thanks for sharing this💙
One of the most effective video about having a discussion with someone.
Thank you
I think that is the best Ted Talk ever.
What a great and remarkable episode,,, hopefully it will sharpen our communication.
Hands down one of the best Ted talks I’ve listened to!
yesterday I learned that adding your own experience to the dialogue is "conversational narcissism". Glad to hear that there are concepts in which a good communicator can be more than an emotional dumpster or therapist
Exactly. The "Me too" words mentioned after sharing an experience rounds about the conversation to ourselves that makes the other person uncomfortable. He has opened up to completely shed his mind. Narcissistic conversation blocks the conversation in most cases.
@@sanguinesquickenglishi don’t get it… could you explain more
@@marcelkamiraWell, I meant..when someone shares his experience or pain, instead of paying attention we say 'yeah I've had a similar experience, yes me too..yes my office too..always me me me..bringing the conversation back to us. The other guy loses interest in this narcissistic talk. Asking deep questions about them is good, but sharing your deep experience immediately blocks their flow. Next time they won't share.
@@sanguinesquickenglish what should we say instead?
@@marcelkamira Patiently listen. Let him finish. That's the purpose the other person shares. If at all he needs to listen to ur side of story or a suggestion to his problem, he will ask. Until then, listening is best. The world has no listeners these days.
It make me really sad to see people nowadays don't want to have real conversations, don't want to connect with anyone. As a matter of fact, they don't know themselves and I believe they are disconnected with themselves.
They ask you, how are you but they don't want you to answer truthfully because it makes them and me vulnerable. People don't want that. Sad but true. I couldn't find anyone yet who is not scared of having deep conversations.
Reminds you of how it's that connection with others that's important. It's about relating and connecting.
Read his book super communicators now watching him talk about some topics makes it even more clear
What is the name of his book
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
If you are a foreigner to western cultures, and are looking to enter corporate, this message is for you. This video has something truthful to say, and that is that we do have different needs when it comes to conversations. But, what is provided here, is communication in the absence of culture. It's politically correct rhetoric aimed for the corporate world. They say “us normal people” as if to make a claim that normal people should be acting this way in their communication. They are making this a standard in your mind. They are also presenting this as natural and the way things odd to be. While it is good to listen to someone express themselves with the intention of just hearing them, that doesn't mean other things fall aside. Sometimes, people do need hugs despite what the HR department says, but in the corporate world these are a gray zone because corporate isn't real life. In corporate, you can't follow your human instinct and intuition, instead you are expected to do things as presented in this video. That is because, corporate is trying to standardize how people interact with one another in order to control it. You don't have to ask any questions, when you feel like hugging someone in real life, besides, can I hug you maybe. You don't demonstrate that you are listing by letting people speak. You just really try to listen to people, and everything else happens automatically. That is a human thing to do. Corporate is roboter world. In corporate, you come home to your wife, and complain to her that you aren't appreciated. And your wife is giving you practical advice and you ignore it because you want to be heard. And in corporate, you will be asks if that is something you can relate to. When that is not the relationship you have with your wife at all. But you are made to accept this politically correct narrative. But that is not the real world. Be human in the real world. Be real in the real world.
I still remember , I am angry at my wife and we had conversation. But at that moment I just need a hug. She was asking practical questions what happened in your office etc. Sometimes Conversations at same level is very important. I understood now.
I wept today alone bitterly ,but settled myself with positive things
It’s a beautiful thing to carefully pick up our broken pieces and put back in , it might cut you give you pain but will eventually makes us stronger but if the bleed is heavy do seek comfort in others .
God hears you🙏
This is extremely informative and a great perspective. Thank you for this!
The last time i cried in front of someone, it was 2 weaks ago,in front of my boyfriend, cause I felt an orphan when my uncle had called me and stated to ask about my position and my exams how they going on and giving me emotional supporting cause he knows that my father doesn't ask about me and he doesn't calls me ,so he had wanted to given me some emotional support and wanted to compensates me for my father's negligence،but you know what really made me upset its how my boyfriend treated with me ,he continued on talking and giving me solutions instead of hearing me and giving me hug or some emotional supporting
You explain even the most difficult topics so clearly.
Deep Questions.
Emotional conversation, Practical conversation, Social conversation.
Super Communicators.
The best this that he doesn't use any filler word that incredible 😮
Moral of the story (v2): ask deep questions to connect emotionally
One of the best Tedx Talks video I have watched in a while. Truly powerful. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this,
I used this today on a teammate i have been struggling with and his walls dropped and we connected authentically
Woow i just felt that i had a great conversation by listening to this talk ❤ this is beautiful 🥹thank you so much
Its completely very connecting and easy to understand! Thank you sir🙏🙏🙏
7:55 for a moment I thought he was going to say: “… and the dr asked him this question: when was the last time you cried in front of someone? …” (phew!) 😅
😂
Last day i cried was when seeing an epic serial, i just relate my story how even after doing good, life didnt respond well....
Many people venture into solar, renewable energy and EV charging station investments just to be millionaires, meanwhile I just want to be debt free
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I invested in EV charging station with Anna K winfield and it has been a big win for me
I was one of those who barely understood solar energy. But Anne made it so clear and accessible. I invested in a community solar project she recommended through RXCEnergy, and the returns have been life-changing. We've moved to a bigger home now!
From living paycheck to paycheck to building a nest egg, RXCEnergy's investment opportunities have been a game-changer for my family's future
its a very good change ,one can become super communicator.
So helpful for me, thank you so much.
Wow, this video is worth saving and re-watch a hundred times!
This is the basis of coaching. 🔥
I was there, I saw this live and it was amazing!!❤
As a practitioner I insist on out with the old and become renewed with something new. The weight of regret can consume you know you are faultless our civ depends on this acceptance
@geraldinehogan Your TED TAlk on Teacher Burnout was absolutely amazing. Your story is encouraging
Excellent video. In this viseo i felt how i increase my abilty to feel and not to judge
Great talk. One of the few books I’ve read 3 times is The Idiot’s Guide to Clear Communication. I don’t think it’s in print anymore but there are other books like it. Be a master communicator and watch your life change.
My answer is at my latest job interview, I cried unexpectedly for some question they asked.
Excellent, this is timely...I will try it now.
Connection isn't needed when you want to know where the closest elevator is. It is very useful for finding out if the person in front of you is the right hire.
That's interesting because I don't cry 😭
Dramatically better conversations are grounded in neuroscience, where active listening, empathy, and strategic use of language stimulate the brain’s reward centers, creating a sense of connection and trust. Understanding the science of conversation means recognizing how tone, body language, and word choice influence not just how we are understood, but how we make others feel leading to more meaningful and productive exchanges. How can we leverage insights from neuroscience and psychology to consistently foster deeper, more impactful conversations, especially in high-stakes or emotionally charged situations?
Imagine going up to a strager asking the question and then saying do you want me to listen empathize or give you a hug ? Lool
It'd be great if more people would not just imagine, but do this. The world would be a much kinder, better place if people showed care for one another.
You would no longer be strangers
Thats an instantly developing feelings for them for me
WOW, I find the talk about communication so effective.
Watching from Bangladesh ❤
a mind-blowing talk
In the majority of cases, men who have prostate surgery after their surgeon has told them they don't need it, are mutilating themselves to assuage the fears in their wives.
There's a video on RUclips about a medical study on prostate tumor growth, vitamin D3, and active surveillance. Men who opted to have their prostate removed were placed on a high dose vitamin D3 therapy for the two months between their diagnosis and their surgery. After their surgery, their prostate tumors were measured and in something like 84% of the cases the tumor had shrunk!
In the men who opted not to have the surgery, but we're simply given vitamin D3, after some period of time there tumors were measured and in a very large percentage of the men, their tumors had shrunk significantly.
That is what happened to me. The two tumors, I was diagnosed with no longer appear on my twice yearly MRIs.
The issue with this theory is that it only works if the family and society aren’t hostile to their unique personality, but that apparently isn’t very natural because we see that hostility across all cultures and throughout all time.
Great comment, it's totally superficial and unrealistic to think that you can go around talking like this, expressing your inner world and identity to people, I just don't buy it, maybe it's a cultural thing, but try this in the UK and you'd be treated like a complete freak
2:04 a discussion can have many conversations, 3:15 matching principle: 2:23 practical, emotional, social(1:07 wife example)
2:48 different conversations created at the same time ends up with others not hearing each other, 3:15 matching principle (3:30 teacher example)
4:05 so ask deep questions to connect with values, beliefs, and experiences (4:27 examples)
4:43 instead od asking about fact, ask about feelings
5:24 doctor example problem, 7:15 solution
honestly I teared up listening to this
That's actually very powerful advice.
This will help alot. Thanks for the input. I'll try and experiment it, and make adjustments accordingly.
This is it!!!! So so important!❤
thank you so much this helped me immensely
Talk people everyday in variety kinds of conversations . But never noticed and categorized which kinds of conversations do I make. For better and effective communications, I should've aware of conversation going through. Thanks
Very helpful! Thankyou😊
We tend to think of a discussion as ONE conversation - my day, or the kids' grades, what to have for dinner. But, actually, each discussion contains MANY conversations.
The three conversations:
1. Practical conversation: what's this really about? What are we discussing?
2. Emotional conversation: how do we feel? The goal is to share with the other person your feelings, not to solve them - but to emphasize.
3. Social conversation: who we are. How we relate to each other and to society.
If people are having different conversations at the same moment, they can't really hear each other - they can't really connect.
The Matching Principle - successful communication requires recognising what kind of conversation is occurring and then matching each other.
Helped? - Practical.
Hugged? - Emotional.
Heard? - Social.
With practical, you offer help. With emotional, you listen and reciprocate emotional. With social, you reciprocate vulnerability.
To do that, ask deep questions - that invites them to talk about their values or beliefs or experiences.
Instead of asking - "where do you work?" Ask - "what do you love about your job?" Instead of asking - "where did you go to high school?" You can ask - "what was high school like?" "What did you learn there?" "What changed you there?"
Instead of asking about the facts of someone's life, we should ask them how they feel about their life. Asking the right questions that allows us to say something real.
Interesting that even communicating in a meaningful way is also about power.
😅
Such a great content. Thanks and congrats.
Wow.... Thanks 4 this ‼️
Mark my words !! This video will hit 1 Million Views very soon 🔥
Human connect through emotion.
As for me, I cry almost every single night...
😢 do you have someone you could talk to?
Thank you!
I think if the same presentation with the same words and ideas, but presented by a woman speaker, will turn out to be much less effective. I'm grateful that this video exists. When I talk to my husband, I have asked him for years all I needed was a hug, however each time he still tries to help me out solving my problems, with all the best intention. I hope your words get through to him. That will improve my life. A big hug!
Have him read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
@@ronaldgmaster5782 I did take a look of a few videos from John Grey, and I think I understand better now the dynamics when we argue. Basically if I complain about him, it raises his estrogen, and when he is defensive talking to me, he is raising my testosterone. As the theory goes, men are happier when their testosterone levels are high, and women are happier when their estrogen levels are high. Then if we have good wishes for each other, we would avoid getting into the usual dynamics when we argue.
Awesome 👌
My great uncle had prostate cancer for decades and he lived to be 99 years old! Lived independently until he was 92! Like Jimmy Carter.. ha
Bro!!!!❤️😩
My Summary
Ask the right question. Connect better with people.
Ask Deep Questions
- talk about our values, beliefs and our experiences.
- Ask about how they feel about their life not the facts of their life.
- Allows us to get to know the real person, creates vulnerability.
Study underpinning the talk asks: When was the last time you cried in front of someone? Often leads to deeper connection.
Conversations often involve multiple conversations e.g. when you are arguing with your spouse - it's important to have the same conversation when conversing in order to connect and communicate - the matching principle
1. Practical Conversation - What is this conversation about? Looking for solutions. [Do you want to be Helped?]
2. Emotional Conversation - How do we feel? Looking for empathy not solutions. [Do you want to be Hugged?]
3. Social Conversations - Who are we? [Do you want to be Heard?]
Where do you work? ... becomes ... What do you love about your work?
Where did you go to high school? ... becomes ... What was your high school like?, What changed you there?, What did you learn there?
Cancer example: to identify the conversation, ask: What does this cancel diagnosis mean to you? The questions helps to uncover the conversation the patient want to have. Change to another conversation by getting agreement: Do you mind, there are some medical options I want to talk over with you?
Personally, I would hate complete strangers asking me how I feel about something!