They lack genuine interest and curiosity about you as a person (who you are, what you like, etc.). They will ask superficial questions, sure, and "listen" when you volunteer information. But after having spent a considerable amount of time with this person, you realise that they don’t know anything about you really, and they couldn't care less.
They are bored to tears if everything, ( and I mean EVERYTHING,) is not about them. Other people are just accessories. The man that I left didn't know what my handwriting looked like, after 2 1/2 years.
Melrakki just had this happen today. I never realised until putting the pieces together that this ‘friend’ never really heard anything I spoke about. Then they tried saying it’s my fault they haven’t been in touch. Why you might ask? Because I have depression was their excuse. I don’t fit in their positive happy world.
Alysc Studjo My narc husband’s apologies (the few he actually said in 19 years) went like this “Okay, I’m sorry, but what do you expect? I was mad because you did such and such....
As I've listened to this and other fine videos on narcissism, the image of my ex is commingled with those of my mother and sister. There are some differences in how they exhibit the various traits, but now I realize how long I have been surrounded with this toxic atmosphere and influence. I can't solve what they do but I can solve how I handle it. And I am finally feeling strong and allowing myself to be (slightly) amused instead of manipulated. So glad to finally see the light!
1. intense soulmate connection (lovebombing) 3:00 2. something is off 5:10 3. cognitive dissonance (actions don't align with words) 6:15 4. intense need to win (not admitting they're wrong or insincere apologies) 7:16 5. justifying bad behavior 9:43 6. insecure feelings (how they make you feel) 10:30 7. disproportionate rage or anger (blow up at little things) 12:25 8. gasligting 14:25 9. lack of empathy 17:20 10. lack of whole object relations (black and white perception of themselves and others (mostly others), hates you then loves you) 21:27 11. insecurity when apart (not attached to you when you're not around) 23:00
She had all of these traits that were described and also another one always plays the victim every relationship she had been in she was the victim and they were all abusers according to her none of them had any good qualities and so she did the same thing to me made me out to be an abuser to other people I had a successful relationship for 35 years with my first wife until I lost her to cancer then I marry this woman against my own better judgment I had that gut feeling before I did and didn't go with it which I regret it now.I knew Somthing wasn't right about her from the start and told myself this a bad idea but I didn't listin to my gut
@@narceliminator3382 Man I get it....I also kept justifying that gut feeling I got from day 1. It lasted for 5 years. I considered her my best friend...but I'm so glad I ended it
There is a difficulty with a covert narcissists. But pay attention to the weird insensitive things they sometimes say in the moments when they dont watch themselves.
Yep, my ex gf was like that, and then had the nerve to tell me post relationship, “you always had to be right.” I laughed and was like, when was I EVER right with you?!
Another common one is in the early stages of the relationship they will tend to play the victim when talking about their past relationships, making out how horrible the other person was. This is usually a test to see if you're a good source of supply who will give them plenty of attention and reassurance.
Zigggyyy C oh, God. How they do love the reassurance! Constant reassurance! Every day, every time, all the time, and their favorite way that they try to manipulate you seems to be “ if you really loved me you would do x” this way, they get what they want and a dose of reassurance all at the same time. Or, they back you into a trap by saying that you didn’t do something they wanted therefore it means you don’t love them and then you sit there and try to protest how much you love them until you just look silly. And they enjoy every minute of it. Then, you educate yourself and don’t play the game anymore and they lose their shit! Go completely bonkers.
@@Hun_Uinaq oh they certainly panic if they feel like they're losing their control over you. Typically they use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. One of my ex's most common phrases to use on me was 'oh that's not very gentlemanly of you ' if I wasn't bowing to her needs
Mine too he always said that words whenever i bring out things he had done wrong. Told me it wasn't wrong and he is sorry if i felt that way. For him all he had done was right.
Coverts are superb actors. Mine deserved an Academy award. Initially she came across as shy, socially awkward and quite vulnerable, but it was an act. She quickly and accurately recognised that I was an empath and proceeded to emotionally dismantle me until I became a complete nervous wreck. I wish I knew then what I know now. I never realised these creatures existed until becoming entangled with one.
Same here, she was an in law who twisted everything I did and said to make me look bad, and her the victim. Viscious , dangerous people like this can cause so much damage, best to cut ties completely!.
Major red flags from someone that had a few relationships with narcissists... They will tell you many times in the beginning that you are perfect. So much it will be uncomfortable. Also, they will blow up the first time for a small reason that you will never see it coming. I was so scared I was frozen and shaking, without a proper reaction. And later I told him I didn't like and I've got the obvious response: I didn't raise my voice, you are overreacting, you are too sensitive *rolls eyes and ignores you for 2 days. If your boyfriend makes you cry and acts like you're not there crying and doesn't talk to you for days, run.
Yup...my covert narc used to call me her "perfect soulmate". A month into dating she just snapped at me out of nowhere. It was bizarre bc it was completely inappropriate for the situation. When I asked her why she snapped she denied it ever happened. I get it completely..
Its like they love you because to them you are perfect and then they realize that your “perfection” makes them look bad so they hate you perfection, but when they find out you aren’t perfect they hate it because they deserve someone perfect, but they would blame you for being perfect or for being imperfect and then- I just wonder how their logic doesn’t make them dizzy all the time.
They cannot take criticism or insinuated criticism. They go quickly into a rage. They want you to show them the upmost respect unfortunately the respect is not reciprocated.
Yep this sums it up. I was called a bitch with a pathetic waste of a life, she accused me of things I hadn’t done then starting complaining that I didn’t have a good opinion of her..., Narcs have zero self awareness🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Yes this fucker expects 100pc loyalty and respect whilst giving absolutely none back whatsoever. He is deluded and I feel so much better now I have realised he is a covert narcissist
@@SunnyBeetle1922 I carried ALL the burdens for the family: disabilities, work, household maintenance, etc., while he just spent 20 years doing nothing but obtaining supply from EVERY source possible. Even manipulating our children. OUR CHILDREN. AND GRANDCHILDREN. WHEN THE KIDS WERE UNDERAGE AND OF AGE. I was told I was miserable, angry, and bitter. Was blamed for infidelity. And, everything else. Of course, I began to think that this was me. That I was just a drudge. That I was just not marriage material. Now, I think, 'well, how do you think I GOT this way'. Special place in hell for these b******s.
@@GossipIsSlander I know what autism looks like, there is an innocence and unawareness with autistic people especially those on the higher spectrum. With a narcissist there is cruel disregard and intent.
When they actually "apologize" for something they did, their tone of voice is dry and dismissive and you get an uncomfortable sense that they don't really mean it.
MMine actually said, after 13 years: “ I’m so sick of apologizing. That’s why I don’t anymore” .My response: “ i don’t want an apology. I want you to stop doing the horrendous things you do. Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.
Mines at this phase now. Unfortunately we have kids together and hes put them in the middle. He apologizes over and over, but ... yes so dry! So emotionless. Empty. Makes me feel gross, and then he wants to kiss me? Yuck! Very monotone in what he says. These apologies are after I called him out on being a narc and listed all the things hes done. Some he denied, some he couldn't remember, ... sure... But now he sees hes been wrong and I'm so sorry. I really want to fix this. I told u, u would be the last 1 I marry. It's all my fault, and it's ok if u never love me again
Mine said sorry once in 13 years, it went like this, Im sorry youre upset but Im not sorry for what happened because it had to be that way!! When I found out about his last affair with a married woman and spoke to the womans husband, his reply I can never trust you again, I suppose you want me gone, I suppose you want me dead! Says it all really doesnt it!
@@lioydwilliams1850 that was very bold ! Sincere SOUL_ You are being the light that our Gaia desperately needed! Complemented her like a gentleman _🌼 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I always say that I dont really know him bc he lies so much and hides things. Every person he's cheated on me with with when I finally found the proof I used to laugh at rhe ahit hed tell them. Ugh. I have no clue what he does when not here and I stopped looking bx everytime I do I find something. And now I'm on my way out.
Yes very sneaky, add the gaslighting to it and forget it, their secrets and lies can go on for years before you discover them and you never discover them all...
You are on point, also they would laugh at you in front of their friends, and gossip behind you,and telling you they love you behind close doors, that's Devil to me..
Mine would try to talk mess about me behind my back to mutual friends who wouldn't join in and would point out what she was doing was shady. That's when all of a sudden she would flip, saying I was her best friend and praising me as if she hadn't just tried to vilify me seconds before. The mutual friends never said anything to me until after our relationship was over because they didn't want to start anything and they thought I wouldn't believe them. Honestly, they're right. I would have found a way to defend her.
They even do when you say sthg nice about them. I was told that a trait of mine is disgusting. And than oh guess was too hard...laughing..seriously is this funny? It's somehow funny he finds it funny in a sad way Uff
Great point! I did talk about that in one recent video... maybe signs you're dating a covert narcissist 🤔 But it's definitely relevant here too! Thanks for your comment! 🙏❤
"Walking on eggshells" yup, you're absolutely right. They sure can dish it out but they can't take it if you point out an irritating habit, even in a diplomatic way; it rattles their grandiose self-image. They will try to justify themselves with all kinds of logical explanations as to why they are behaving like that and also project their flaws onto you implying that YOU are like them too.
This is no joke! I've been married to one for 12 years, and just figured it out in the last few months. I feel so betrayed but I'm also onto him. I'm leaving this week and going home to my family where I am loved, not where I'm utilized and controlled. I'm done.
Also, if you’ve been emotionally abused by a narcissist for many years, After the discard phase and you have come to yourself….You may find that your own ability to empathize has been impaired due to years of lack of emotional support.
6 years with a very smart convert narc , and I still cry when I see videos on tik tok with poor people or sick ones . He couldn’t with my big heart , I’m so happy to know that I’m a good person , I really don’t want nothing from life , I just wanna be that good person forever .
that's very much me, the worst parts are when i can _feel_ how the person is feeling but don't know how to act because i was never taught how to react to those emotions it's so frustrating, idk if it happens to somebody else :|
This is where I'm now. Im still in the process of leaving but I have literally sbit down so much I am numb and no longer really have the ability to cry. I sometimes do but I used to be the kind of person who wore mt heart on mt sleeve and was very emotional. Id cry when happy or sad and now I just feel nothing.
My ex was a covert narcissist. He made me feel like I was always insecure I was never his priority.He would tell me he loved me but his actions never reflected it. I fell head over heals in love which was the lovebombing phase as explained. He isolated me from my family and turned me against them. Thinking it was my own thoughts and idea, the you and me against the world mentality if you will... My parents and siblings could see the affect he had on me. I wasnt happy go lucky like I was before him. I felt like there was always a cloud over me and didnt know why. My happiness always felt sucked out of me. I stopped talking to my friends and doing the things I loved... I remember my moment of clarity and felt like I needed to get out. It felt like I woke up from a spell, like an aha moment.
Narcissistic apology is self-centered. The goal then is not to make the other person feel better and to attend to their feelings, but to make them pity you, to make it all about you again.
11 signs to recognise a covert narcissist : 1. Intense soulmate connection 2. "Something is a little bit off" - Gut feeling 3. Cognitive Dissonance 4. Intense need to win, never apologising 5. Expert in justifying bad behavior 6. Insecure Feelings 7. Disproportionate rage or anger 8. Gaslighting 9. Lack of empathy 10. Lack of whole object relations 11. Insecure when apart
When my husband found out I had it figured out he started watching videos about this and is now trying to convince me I am the one with the problem. Typical huh
@@user-2911 I understand you pray for some kind of justice. You survived ❤. I'm still trying to leave, wish me luck. I know you know how hard it is. Best thoughts ❤
Just found out she's most likely a covert N. I knew something wasn't right and what a talented liar she is. All 11 traits & #12 user posted ALWAYS VICTIM Check! I guess her cell phone wasn't stolen (as she stated) at gunpoint while the assailant made her type in her pin code so the 2 gunmen could then give the phone to her ex boyfriend who then proceed to post all kinds of inflammatory stuff on her FB & told me they were in a 2 month affair while I was away and he snatched it while she was with him.
Justifying their behaviour is often done by playing the victim. Mine told me right from the start that she had an extremely traumatic childhood (emotional abuse, violent alcoholic father, being abandoned etc...) which made me give her second chances all the time! She didn’t have to justify her bad behaviour I did it for her! 🤦🏻♀️ Also they are extremely jealous of others...resentful too.
Very true! I've lived with a malignant textbook covert narc for 23 years and he's ALWAYS either acting sick or playing victim to better manipulate people. He knows as long he plays victim and helpless people don't see him as a threat
Same! I grew up with her and knew her family, the abuse was one thing she actually didn't lie about. Since I knew what she'd been through, I let her get away with everything.
@@favouritecat Yes, no doubt they were abused, but no matter, it's STILL NOT an excuse for them to be abusive or to stay with an abuser. Regardless, the partner can forgive only so much, but unless the abuser takes deliberate steps to get addiction counseling (just like an alcoholic gets counseling and a stint in a rehab) the abused must get away and go No Contact. Narcs themselves are solely responsible for getting help/counseling for AS LONG AS IT TAKES to get get better. PERIOD. If they don't then they don't and they'll just have to pay the consequences just like all of us have to pay the consequences of our addictions and things that happen to us in life. NPD addiction in a nutshell is they're love addicts. They've got to have it yet at the same time they sabotage and ruin it for themselves.
Kristina, this is a powerful vid. I was married 34 years to someone who demonstrated many of those characteristics. She is a super intelligent woman and does most things she attepmts well. I was and am proud of that. Unfortunately she was raised by a self centered overt narcissist that scapegoated her. I was empathetic to that and gave allot of space for the behavior that was an enigma. She was nice most of the time although I cannot ever recall her taking ownership for an error and apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I dont recall one time that happening. We argued little but when we did she would mind read and always the tell me how I felt about her and it was always bad. I actually loved her very much but didn't understand that bizzare behavior. On thing this vid answered for me was why we struggled several times when I was away for a period of time. The relationship was in question several times and that gut feeling you described was present. What ended our relationship was her staying with our adult kids in another state. She gaslighted me and many other things. Sad really because deep inside her is a good person. She also seems like a Dismissive Avoident. Anyway good vid
My bf often get mad when I voice my opinion that opposed to his. He made it up that I was attacking him when we simply disagree. This happened quite often. Thanks this video is very helpful.
When I had a disagreement with a narc she got all her friends to write abusive messages on every social media account I had even after blocking g, they found me and stalked me. They accused me of having schizophrenia because I didn’t agree with what the narc said🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
They latch onto you like a leech from day one. They are always there, always texting, calling, continuously. They want a close intense relationship immediately, and it's not always a romantic relationship they want, it's a seduction that's aggressive in some way and can be seen as just friendly, but aggressive and constant.
Definitely aggressive in forcing that connection. It's almost as though they think you'll run if you actually have time to get to know them like in a normal relationship 🤔
Yes, like in appropriately personal on first day/week at work (new colleague)! Nice in public but starts putting m down in private! Aggressively wanting 1 on 1 lunches & standing way to close to me at work in the love bomb phase.
I used to be really close with my mother in law when I first met her... She had portrayed herself as a compassionate, caring, generous person, and in doing so, successfully deceived me. I would get little glimpses of her true self from time to time but always gave her the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't until I realized that she had a very "selective memory" when it came to details I've told her about my personal life... She never seemed to remember the stories I've told her that were "good" or "neutral"... But somehow she would always remember the bad, or embarrassing stories I've shared with her about me. She would use that information as ammo for future arguments or trying to turn people against me. They are some of the most scariest people I have come across because it is literally a wolf in sheeps clothing... I am even less trusting of people now
Yes, mine did, to the point that he attempted to steal my son's sneakers or show no interest when I went shopping, or the congrats where always fake, you can sense it. If I was on vacation, I would receive nasty messages, it was all because he was not there. He was not reaping the benefits of being with me.
@@yoimpretty I have left and trying to completely disconnect myself. Currently he lives very close to me, but I am recovering..thank you..yes just toxic and jealous.
@@yoimpretty yes I left, just a very insecure and jealous person inside. Between the thousands behind in his own child support, criminal record, credit issues, he can pretend which he is pretty good at, and they all are, the hate and nastiness came from my exposure to his family of who he really was, no one had done that, so he was able to carry on the false sense of self and make everyone else the bad guy.
I was friends with a covert narcissist for a long time. Things were great at the beginning, we had a lot in common. The love bombing was very strong. "You're the only friend I never fight with" was a manipulation tactic, to convince me I'm not like anyone else. To convince me to never argue with her. When I started making other friends outside of her circle of friends, she got jealous and started gaslighting me to isolate me. Cried if i didn't invite her to every single thing i wss doing, guilt tripped me for setting boundaries, sabotaged my plans with other people. I cut her out of my life and god it was a huge relief
I do not "suspect ", I know. The only thing worse than a passive aggressive covert narcissist or BPD, is being a unaware codependent. You must listen to your gut. Love your vids and presentation.
My ex was BPD and a narcisstic. She hated when I ate all the food from my plate. She told me it made her look bad. Like she never feeds me at home especially when we were at a restaurant. She worried about her image all the time. I told her to find someone else she can manipulate. It's so petty.
Definitely all 11. The lack of empathy just kills me. I think they use all of their empathy on themselves, therefore, have nothing left to give.. there's no room left in their brains or hearts to feel for anyone else!
I knew I was going through it when I cried 8 minutes into this video. I haven’t cried in a couple years. This hit home again and I’m so grateful for these videos. I’m a co dependent BPD survivor who can’t leave narcissts alone but these videos give me life.
After decades of mistreatment (to put it mildly) at the hands of my older sister, I finally realized that she suffers from deep narcissism. After a few more years (!), I finally realized the next step to freeing myself was forgiving her. It was practically impossible (she had turned other family members against me out of her own jealousy), until one day I glanced at an old family photograph. What I saw there was one happy little five year old (which was me) and a miserable-looking, sad little seven year old. It broke my heart. And the forgiveness poured in. I don't know what caused her unhappiness, but it was palpable in that photograph and now, as we've both aged, it's visible in her facial lines. If you can forgive, it is the best path to healing. And it may even help them to heal a little. It's almost as if she is missing a limb or has some physical impairment, but is totally unaware of it.
Exactly the same! Even the age difference. I've tried to give many chances, but even as adults, the toxicity is extreme. Family has a perception of me based on rumors she's spread. I Feel sorry for her really...and my neices. But I recently realized that I can't have her in my life. It's too unhealthy for me. 😔
I agree 100% regarding forgiving, but I do think it is in your best interest or anyone’s best interest not to live with the person you have forgiven as they will continue to hurt. The distance will help.
I dealt with a nun who was a covert narcissist. Master manipulator and has half her religious community fooled that she's an absolute saint. It's scary.
Same. Knew a woman once who said she so wanted to be a nun. But they didn't let her in. So she married & had a child. Pretences too be the most religious & righteous of all people she ever meets, the only people she has any real respect for are probably the priests. Turns out she was selling to them & sexually molesting her own daughter all these years
I have a similar experience but it's a priest who I've discovered who's a covert. I haven't been to mass since, and don't know how I can report it? Coz it's hard to let others know who think they're wonderful, but I've seen through the mask, and feel I have to let at least the bishop know. But I'm afraid I'll be passed off and seen as a cuckoo!
The object constancy just explained everything about the break-up. I couldn't put it into words but yes. Unless I'm in front of him, i didn't exist. Amazing. Thank you.
You nailed all 11 characteristics. Each time you hit a bullet point, I had an Ahha moment. I have spent most of my life working to make this marriage work; now I realize that it has only been an exhausting game that will never end.
Omfg! Mind blown! 8 years and it's taken this long to come to this revelation! A friend sent me your video! Thank you so much. You've hit the nail on the head! I gotta get a plan and get out!
The empathy issue is sooo hard to detect, but I've learned it feels as though the other person is operating from a relationship "manual" instead of acting out of their feelings. They actually have to think "what is the right response?" This is a great video. Thank you for this.
When you nearly take your own life and end up in the hosptial and then hear that it's not your right to feel bad, you should say sorry to them for your behavior... then you should know. But you don't, 6 years later is when you see things more clearly. And you are the one living with all the scars. I can see clearly now... And it bloody hurts. I am addicted not having empathy now... It's sad
Yes! Thats so true. And if they don't have a response in their data base, they just gawk at you with a blank stare like an android that is being rebooted, until you ask them whether anyone is home up there. But there never is.
Mine literally told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends and family about the things that were bothering me in the relationship because it was "messing with his reputation." I can't believe I didn't get out of there sooner
I hear you bro. I'm exhausted and on year 25 of this nonsense. If I dont bail soon I'm genuinely afraid the stress from my marriage will destroy my health. Take care..
OH MY GOD. This is freaky. Especially the last point about object permanence. He literally said until I live with him under the same roof we’re not in a real relationship. Thank you so, so much for making these it’s really helping me process the hurt he caused me. I thought I was going crazy. ❤️
"apologize but then do it again and again and again" - wow, that was my ex-husband for sure. I wondered at the end why he even married me when he so obviously did not like even the most basic things about my personality. I now realize he didn't know anything about me really, was attracted to me based solely on looks and then felt angry and frustrated by my behavior. . .he was so mad my idealized looks didn't match my personality
Amen. The only thing my ex didn’t say anything negative about was my looks, but he wanted me to not wear makeup, made comments about how I dressed, which wasn’t inappropriate at all, and I believe it was because he was so insecure he didn’t want me to leave, and thought if I looked good someone would steal me from him. I told him over and over I wouldn’t leave. Ironically it was him who pushed me away with the emotional abuse and terrible verbal tirades
Don't forget trying to act like a hero to everyone, buying people things and helping them with things especially when OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, just to get the affirmation and validation--the 'You're an amazing person!' etc. compliments, and proof for their inner broken selves that they're good. Yes, a narc doesn't really do anything for others out of compassion and selflessness. It always circles back to them trying to prove they are the BEST friend in their circle, the BEST person in the neighborhood or work place...this can even go as far as a narc crying over world disasters in front of their 'audience' or donating to charity and then posting about it for validation on social, etc.
Mine is doing that right now. Even though I called it quits after 36 yrs, went out and got a crap job so I could find an apartment asap (once I'm out, I'll have time to find a better job) , he is giving me my space, we keep a wide berth away from each other. (Due to COVID & my initial lack of $ & job, we are separated under same roof). He is constantly trying to "help me" get on my feet, offered to give me money to put down on apartment once I find one, I need better shoes for work, he wants to buy them for me (motivated really by, it's a BOGO thing and he wants a new pair), gave me the car and wants to put it in my name (everything incl our house has been in his name for years, i never thought I would leave, neither did he.) He is being nicer now that he knows I am really leaving and done this time. Why couldn't ha have been as kind and generous when I was giving my all to the relationship?
Absolutely! Covert Hex is such a hero in his town. Everybody “loves” him, jus throwing money to every problem and being always the “savior”, while totally emotionally neglecting and abandoning his wife and kid.
Several hundred people attended the funeral of my mother. When I was the only person around me, she never said anything nice about even one of them. But: She never said nice things about me, either.
sheena J It's all good! I let him pay. Didn't care. He owes me. Wait'll he sees the marital settlement agreement I'm drafting. I moved out, filed for divorce in 9/11( also was two days after his birthday.) They finally caught him home to serve the papers. He called immediately the next day. Guess he underestimated me. Haven't heard from him since. Nice to have some silence, but a bit unnerving, not knowing what he's up to. The courthouse says he hasn't responded yet. He has another 2 weeks to respond to the summons, and the clerk said if he doesn't, they'll notify the judge.
You just described the person I’ve been calling my best friend for 25 years. 10 out of the eleven fit her to a T. I’m kind of in shock. I knew there were issues from the start, I knew she was not a healthy person emotionally, but I did not ever consider covert narcissism to be the problem. I’m not sure where to go from here, except that the relationship is deteriorating. Much food for thought. Thank you.
1. Intense soulmate connection. Love bombing phase. They feel connection, say they love you very early, and idealize you. But it turns to abuse over time. 2. Something felt a little off. 3. Cognitive dissonance that I experience when with person whose words and actions don’t align. We feel like we are crazy because we notice they are not doing what they say they are going to do. They say they love me but they hurt me. 4. Intense need to win. Not always as obvious as what we think. 5. They justify bad behavior because they have “Good reason”. 6. How do I feel when I am with this person. You start out feeling awesome but later you’ll feel them taking your flaws apart. 7. Gaslighting - often happens around cheating. Narc is cheating and you feel like / know Narc is cheating. You confront Narc & they’ll blow up and turn tables on you. 8. Lack of empathy. 9. 10. 11. Darn missed a few.
One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant: MONTH one : Great MONTH two : Greater MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts...) MONTH four : Heaven (I love you...) MONTH five : Seventh heaven... MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts...) MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring... MONTH eight : distancing/lying begins (gaslighting also)... MONTH nine : lying clearly shows... MONTH ten : Frustration sets in... MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault... MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD MONTH thirteen : MONTH fourteen : Her; closure letter mailed to me. Me; Still NO contact, too late for her, DO NOT RESPOND.
@@AmbyJeans don't beat yourself up...when we go back it just means we have some more lessons to learn about ourselves...delve deep into why you go back. when you discover this, you can then work on it and get to a point where your love for self is so strong that tolerating ANY form or degree of abuse from ANYONE will NEVER be acceptable!! xo
The recent narcs I've interacted with have made negative comments about my apartment, clothing and lack of wealth. These comments were made early in the interactions, and I was too shocked to respond appropriately. I can't believe I allowed such rude comments and behavior to go unchecked, and I still hung out with them, pathetic. No more though. Next narc will be tossed to the curb after the first insult--zero tolerance.
"Tell me exactly what you know about me supposedly cheating and I'll explain how those things are wrong." Literally wanted me to give him a map of how to lie to me 😂
Narc thinks that oral, anal, kissing, fondling, or massaging isn't cheating. Anything besides the act of a penis in the vagina isn't sex. It's really disturbing. I argued this disagreement so loud, I lost my voice and realized I was arguing with a mental case. I had to leave the relationship. I can't do narcs anymore. Nope, moving on.
Oh my God I just went through the Narcissists Discard and for days couldnt figure out what happened. Every point has been checking off point by point and in the end when I told her I missed the girl who once cried for me when I was vulnerable she replied "Do you hear yourself? You want someone to be unhappy with you?" Wow. You just blew my mind and gave me the closure I needed. Up to this point I was blaming myself and being extra hard on myself.
I appreciate more videos on the coverts! I would add that instead of rage he was extremely passive aggressive, that was the only way he knew how to show anger. Usually making me late, hiding keys, claiming he forgot something he had been reminded of several times. Also porn addiction and no sense of humor. Great video!
Ok, you just gave me a great idea for a video! Weird habits (or characteristics) of the covert narcissist! Porn addiction and no sense of humor are big. They also tend to keep family at arm's length and have at least one person or thing they'll always idealize (e.g. God or a friend). I'm going to dig for some more ideas and film this one after the current series is out. Thanks for the inspiration! ❤🙏
Common Ego The odd thing I discovered about the narc after I married him is that he preferred self sex!! He actually preferred it!! We have a celibate marriage!!! I’m too old to leave & start over!
@@artgirl7480 That's not even weird for a narcissist! It's usually related to porn addiction. In extremes, they can get to the point where they prefer self stimulation. I mentioned this in a roundabout way in the new video that just went live. Would love feedback from you both there! ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo you should put it out as a question for survivors. I could add a few things to the 'HOW WEIRD WAS YOUR NARCISSIST' debate. *Counting emails and texts then texting to say how many there had been that day. And isnt that amazing! What are we 9 years old? *Over analysing, with Q & A after sex. EVERY TIME. *Contrived moments of emotion but no seemingly genuine times of enjoyment or happiness or excitement...or sadness. I once called him heartless which resulted in his passive aggressive version of narcissistic injury.
I experienced all of the 11 characteristics, Narcs are con artists. They project to the world that they are amazing people but when they get you alone the crazy making behavior comes out. My boyfriend hides behind being a former pastor which gives him creditability. I fell for him at first. He left ventricle bombed me with gifts, cards, flowers, words of affirmation and more. I thought he was perfect. Then the 11 characteristics came out, the rage attacks, sudden personality shifts, accusing me of things I did not do, calling me names, telling me I’m crazy, he stole from me, lied and more. I was a con job so he would get money and I believe his ex wife was in on it. We broke up about a year ago and he went back to his ex wife. I’m a fraction of the person I used to be. I see humanity in a much darker light and do not trust people like I used to. Now I’m overly cautious and dating is really difficult because I’m afraid I’ll end up with another Narcissistic. This last experience almost destroyed my spirit and life energy. Crazy thing is the general population does not understand Narcissism so people don’t understand the abuse. It’s a lonely experience. Thank you
You are spot on my previous pastor was like this with me. It devastated me especially because he was supposed to be a man of God. Pray to Jesus, He will heal your broken heart. Inbox me on Facebook if you’d like.....it helps to talk to someone who understands because you’re right...most people treat us victims like we’re crazy.
You are not alone in this. It will take some time to heal and for you to feel like this now, I can relate to that! But I can assure you when the right one comes along, you will be able to feel and trust again! Give it time, to build your self confidence and self love and you will be able to trust again. Wish you all the best of luck..
The difficult thing about cover narcissism is that some of the traits mimic autism. So it can be difficult to tell whether you are dealing with an autistic who has been misunderstood and traumatized by social interactions for most of their life or a covert narcissist. As an autistic person myself I traumabonded with someone I now realize to be a narcissist because their traits mimiced some of mine. Things like lack of object permanence and lack of emotional empathy - those are common among autistic people. It really is important to have the sum of these parts, I found it really helpful to hear about the feeling insecure, gaslighting, future faking and hoovering, to really add up the sum to be sure.
Fellow neurodivergent (adhd/asd) 🙋🏼♀️ I'm only just learning about narcissism and cluster b personality disorders, I'm learning and researching due to a new relationship. It's been so hard for me to distinguish Autistic/adhd traits from narcissism because of how similar they are. I also saw certain traits in my partner and believed their current bpd diagnosis could be a misdiagnosis and they're actually asd (he has distanced himself from the bpd diagnosis and this gave me even more reason to think it may be misdiagnosed). Also like you, hearing other actions and behaviours helps me see that he is not asd and I'm not narcissistic. It can be so confusing though 🤯
For me, If the person makes me feel bad is because there's something wrong. Sometimes we wont have the diagnose, but we have the certainty that the person is not a good companion for us in life.
I have an autistic brother and have unfortunately had to deal with abusive narcissists in my life - to me the differences are so vast. Autistic are not abusive, for one - they don't hurt people on purpose and are a lot less self aware when they do. I think it goes down to intentions, and most people can see that autistic people don't have bad intentions if they happen to not give the emotional reaction that the other person is expecting
Wow, my Ex hit all 11! I was in a relationship for 4 years off and on, as you can imagine, with a covert narcissist. He broke up with me 10 months ago stating I was an insecure, crazy woman that just wanted to control him. Yet he was going to give me an opportunity to prove to him that I could love him the way he deserved to be loved. I was devastated and would have done anything to be back with him. So for months and months I tried to "fix" myself so he would accept me. Then something hit me one night during an argument with him and I jumped on youtube to start researching. He had once told me during a converstation with his ex wife that she called him a narcissist. It was a sign, the first video on opened up "fit like a glove." It was exactly what I was experiencing. I even sent him the video. He laughed at me and called me a narcissist. However that was 5 months after the the intentional break up. It has now been 10 months in total and has been an emotional roller coaster. To be honest, it has felt like hell. I'm working so hard to educate myself so I can let go of this monster, but I find myself still getting pulled back in sometimes. This abuse is real and it is damaging. I feel for anyone who has experienced this kind of pain. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through in my 38 years on this earth. I pray I can finally be rid of this man from my life for good and can start to heal. My biggest problem right now is the thought of him falling "in love" with another woman. It tears me heart apart but I'm really trying to work on loving myself. Thank you so much for your videos. You have no idea how they have been the place where I can find some comfort and sanity from this insanity that I was living.
Hi, I suffered in the same way for nine years. Please move on because you can't change them and you won't have a life until you do. Just feel sorry in your heart for the next woman. You are worth so much more and deserve better. These types are just control freaks.
Rebecca Miranda You can only hope he falls for some poor clueless soul so you can be rid of him ! Run go no contact! Save yourself heartache, financial ruin, your health.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was with my ex for 6 years and its so reassuring that what I've gone through others understand. I've felt so alone and ashamed and confused. I've tried to live up to her expectations and be the person I thought I needed to be to love her unconditionally and hold space for her chaos, rage, devaluation and abuse. Now I realise I've been trying to make a relationship work with someone who has no idea how to align with me. I'm sorry you all had to experience such pain and difficulty. Thank you for sharing
Hope you’re doing better. My advice is look after yourself, meditate, take baths, read, do yoga, spend time in nature try to nurture yourself and your soul however that feels best for you. Cut contact block his number, unfriend him on social media...if you need contact only agree to email. Don’t try to explain too much or defend yourself as it will always be your fault and everything you say will be used against you. The quicker you do this the quicker you’ll recover. You can do this cutting of cords with love. Hopefully this other lady will see through him quick and fingers crossed he’ll eventually connect the dots and get help x good luck 💗
Yup. Mine freaked out on me and started kicking the trash can after I lifted the lid to throw something out instead of using the little foot thing to open it. He was so controlling it was insane.
Yup. My ex flipped his lid because I wasn't chopping the onion correctly. And one time while I was staying over at his house and he was at work, I decided to tidy up his kitchen just to be nice. Didn't say thank you at all. His response was, "I didn't ask you to clean it, so why would I say thank you??" WhAT.....? The mind of a narcissist. I will never understand.
I'm with one. She started early on trying to tell me she thought I was a narcissist. I started seeing signs that she was actually the narcissist. She said her ex was labelled as a narc by her therapist and that a common defense among narcissists is to call the other person a narc. It's left me feeling like I might actually be one all these years and worried about it. I'm finally keying into the possibility that SHE is actually the narcissist. It's been a rough go. All I know is she can never apologize or be happy for me. She never tries to be supportive or encouraging for anything I try to accomplish. It wasn't until reading these comments that the fact that she's never looked me in the eye during sex is not right. She gaslighted me last year for 3 months when I suspected she was spending time with another man. I found out I was right AFTER she spent 9 days with me in Florida. I just started seeing these videos today out of the clear blue in my recommendations. This is a sign. I'm sad and disturbed.
He asked me to marry him 3 months into starting the relationship. Love BOMBED me to death. THIS VIDEO IS ON POINT. MY SECOND RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE. THEY ARE VERY SICK HUMAN BEINGS. THE TOXICITY AND STRESS THEY BRING TO YOUR LIFE IS (ABUSIVE ) BUT U OVERLOOK IT, BECAUSE U THEN GET THIS UNNERVING. PLAIN AND SIMPLE EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE. DISTANCE YOURSELF, PRAY WITHOUT CEASING AND MOST OF ALL DISTANCE YOURSELF PLEASE !
Amen. I had a constant tightness in my chest from anxiety. I kept telling myself something is wrong and let this girl go. I finally walked away from that bitch, and the tightness went away. Amazing !!I'm happy I made the change. Time to get my life back and be free. Thank you lord Jesus for pulling me out of hell.
These monsters are anything but human, as you described them. They are creatures who have no empathy or remorse and know exactly what they are doing. No excuses for them.
this should be part of a school curriculum …...I gotta admit that I never thought there are people out there who are born narcissistic , cover or otherwise.
I've tried giving my husband examples of how he would feel or a time when he has felt the way he is making me feel. Until recently, I believed I was getting through to him. Then I overheard him tell his daughter to just apologize to her biological mother and that it didn't matter if she meant it or not. He literally told her that apologizing would get her mom to leave her alone and that's all that matters. I confronted him on this and his response was that I was being ridiculous. We had gotten into an argument earlier in the week so he was already giving me the cold shoulder but when I confronted him about his comments to his daughter he blew up. I was petty, ridiculous and crazy for thinking he had ever done that to me. I no longer have any doubts that he is a covert narcissist. He fits the description almost 100%
Amazing info. I still have so much to learn and I realize I wasn't ready to date. All those times I thought I was being rejected but I was being protected from narcissists and people with bad intentions for me. I am so grateful for that!
I'd like to share some things real quick based around cheating specifically. 1) Yes, you don't exist when you are not around. They cheat by saying to their affair partner that you have "just grown apart" while you are at home teaching/taking care of the kids and telling them that you love them and they are beautiful nearly every day. Irrelevant to them. Your emotional currency is not valid to them anymore. 2) They gaslight all the damn time and make you question your reality through empty truth. They will say I was at the gym or shopping or whatever...which they were...in addition to screwing their side piece. Makes it hard to catch. 3)Lastly, DON'T HATE THE AFFAIR PARTNER! It doesn't help. Vengeance is futile and the healthiest perspective is to think of them as "next." They are pawns, don't be one. Move on, you're better than this shit.
Thanks. Wish I'd been told this 22 years ago, I was that woman at home with the three little kids. I was too scared to leave, and church counseling told him to stop it and me to forgive and "be a more biblical wife". 🤨 Here we are 22 years later. I've woken up, I'm healing my own issues and ditching baggage, and he as never changed. I don't even care if he's cheated again since then. Just don't know, don't care. I've learned enough now and become strong enough that I know who I am and what I want for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, he is no longer part of that vision. I accept that he is who he is, has no desire or sees no reason to change and work on his own issues, and my acceptance is all he gets. My tolerance and ability to "let things slide" has completely run out. 👍🏻
They create drama around them and then sit back silently sickily grinning watching everything. it makes them look the sane wise ones as they sit there quietly and are eagerly waiting to be approached for advice. This achieves their goal by making them feel importantl.
8 years... within the first few months there were signs.. now that Ive been discarded im educating myself and this video literally checks EVERY single box. My body and mind are a mess.
She nailed all of it. I’ve got 11 for 11. I love her too. Absolute hell! Been staying no contact after being mercilessly discarded and ghosted. Resisted the hoovers so far but I desperately want to talk to her but know it’s no use
You feel a loss and want to know why you were discarded. Its simple you no longer serve the supply they needed....just remember they do not change and they will do it again and to someone else.
Right there with you, bud. I hate this hell I'm living in right now. Two years of everything mentioned in the video then discarded for a guy who is the total opposite of me. I'm sitting here in agony while she's in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship like I never existed.
My ex that I was married to for 34 years was 11 of 11. I left him once and was dragged back in with all the promises. Finally saw a therapist that realized what I was dealing with and got the support I needed to leave with finality. Suffered from PTSD for years -- yes you can have PTSD from emotional abuse.
Yep. Same here. 30 years later and I'm just waking up. Filing for divorce very soon. Suffering from PTSD as well. But I will survive. And I will move on. And I will Thrive..... And he can go fuck himself.😊👍🖕
Yes 15 years later I still have ptsd from the emotional and financial abuse I endured for 6 years. Sometimes it’s dormant but recent new narc (flagged him quickly) triggered all the memories I long locked down. All good again, no contact with the new narc (covert narc).
@@Flutterbyby Good for you! Covert narcs are hard to spot. I'm going to get therapy to undo all the damage because I never ever want to attract one of these demons into my life ever again. I need to be able to spot them a mile away.
@@santoparfano1910 that totally depends on your situation. If you are financially able to leave then I say run. And don't look back. If there are children involved, obviously put their interests first above all. But if she is violent then you have to be as covert as you can and just get out. You have to go Grey Rock completely if there are not children involved. Says the person who almost made it out before the complete pandemic shut down.😔
My narcissist would never exploid or get angry, he would just shut me off, stop talking to me or just say im done talking about it, he did't care if i was crying. After that he would punish me for a couple of days of ignoring me all together
In my relationship with that person I should’ve noticed it right away bc he didn’t have any real friends and people that knew of him said he was odd. But I thought they were saying that bc he was kind of shy and always doing things for me. So yes all 11 signs he presented at some point. Toward the end just made me feel starved for attention, he would be right beside me but I’d feel like I didn’t exist. This man finally lost his composure bc I confronted him with all his lies and he assaulted me. When I met him I never saw that coming. He looked very harmless, not very physically attractive, quiet and super sweet
This THE BEST video on covert narcissists I've seen yet. I'm a year free from a purely covert narcissist. The fog will lift! Stay free, heal from the abuse and keep going!! This video is PURE golden Ray's of sunshine!!
My experience is they always play the victim. Now when I hear someone say this raises an eyebrow and flag. Relationships, employment, etc. Never ever taking responsibility for their wrongs. Always players can’t stick with one person. Always have a harem garage full of others oh and let’s not forget... chronic liars. Lesson learned hard. Lesson well learned
WOW you hit on all 11!! Took me a little while to understand what was really going on. Once I got online and did research I mentioned there things but didn’t know it was a disorder. Once I educated myself it was crystal clear and I left. She was a covert narcissist. Very very attractive which made it even more difficult to see at first. Thank you for your info! Great video!!
Sadly, a good number of them are very attractive. That's probably a big part of what keeps them going. It's completely effortless for them to get new supply. Glad you found your way out! ❤🙏
Omg yes! He felt like he wasn’t appreciated because he got me gifts and things in the beginning and I always said thank you I was grateful but since I didn’t get him any gifts back he didn’t feel appreciated....
Wow... 11/11... I'm absolutely stunned. If you knew the pain I've been through the past month beating myself up, thinking this was all my fault and feeling like I'm the utmost biggest piece of trash in the world... Thank you. This gave me the closure I needed for myself. You are awesome
Thank you everyone. It's been 5 months now since the relationship ended. I'm in a much better place - I don't even miss my ex anymore. I am still a bit jaded. However, I've moved on and have taken control over my life again. :)
All 11 check out. I hope I never see this person again. My healing came when I have completely have forgiven this person of what they done and how they almost destroyed me.
@@ezpz868 I thought mine would kill/hurt me 😅 now I just know how to verbally navigate carefully to still stand my ground and not have to see those eyes. Lol
I have kind of a strange one. I'm in a relationship with someone that I suspect is a covert narcissist. What is strange about the feelings and empathy is...he cries easily watching a movie or any other emotional show on TV, but he shows no empathy if I am in physical pain or emotional pain. He can seriously turn his back on me if I am upset and crying trying to talk to him and just go to sleep and sleep all night like a baby. When I am in physical pain or have an upsetting event like one time my tooth broke out in an area that was visible and i was so embarrassed and upset. He barely even responds to it. Often when i talk to him, he acts like he doesn't hear me...even if he's sitting right beside me, he just sits in stony silence and i have to ask him if he heard me. Then when he says he did, I say, why didn't you act like you did. He'll say, I didn't know what to say...i feel like I'm crazy for feeling like I have to explain that usually just a mmm...or looking at the person is an expected response.
My partner is like this (especially feeling emotions for TV and inanimate objects but not me) and he is diagnosed Autistic. Life got easier post diagnosis. I'm not diagnosing your partner! It's just something you might want to look into/seek. Whatever that behaviour is the result of, it is VERY difficult to exist with. Loves to you x
Moreover, have you ever noticed how self absorption and self awareness in a person are traits which always seem to exist in inverse proportion to one another?
i suspect my ex was a narcissist and he was very interesting and smart. i enjoyed talking to him. he left me because of my bpd and i havent been able to get over him hoping we can work things out soon.
@@exovit6348 they feel bored because they are empty and unable to create a sense of their own worth...dump him ...not worth it a complete loser...move on
I never felt insecure when I was with him. He always made me feel wanted when we were together. It was when we weren't together. I felt like I wasn't wanted. Felt like I was begging for time and attention. He was very good at apologizing. There have been several times things haven't made sense, and I just dismissed them. But he made a promise recently of sending,me flowers on Valentine's but only put in the order the day before. Says the florist called him back and said he would have had to have ordered those by Wednesday. So I asked him if he reschedule for another day and he just said I'd have to wait and see. Well it's two weeks past Valentine's and still nothing. I think I've neglected to mention I have not gotten one but bouquet of flowers a card or anything in over 5 years. So I was really super excited and thought it was a positive thing. But my balloon with soon burst. Then I think the final straw was when he told me does day starts out crazy first thing in the morning and that's usually when we try to talk. So basically you tells me that he was making a sacrifice to take the time to call me when he could be doing other things. I really had to step back and think and open my eyes . I began to think about all the red flags that I just dismissed because this was something I really wanted. this person was the love of my life and he came back into my life. I didn't realize you came back into my life to destroy me. to leave me with nothing less than a shell of my former self.
The love bombing stage hit me hard. I was so drawn to him for reasons I may never know, and he knew that. He knew all about my dreams and desires (travel, have a family, live on a farm, etc ) and he promised me everything. His actions never aligned with his words. It was months of him chasing (we live in different states) until we finally had just a few dates. He would say that if we lived in the same state we would be married already but never fully committed and continued to play victim of his trauma with his ex for the reasons behind his issues. I was always confused by the "push/pull" "hot & cold" behavior. He eventually became distant and ghosted me for a bit only to reappear and explain he tried commiting suicide and was dealing with mental health issues. I, like the empath I am, tried to be there for him and dismiss his treatment towards me. He eventually discarded me again and started dating other people but was still contacting me with things that "reminded him of me" but when I would start to do the same he would pull away and say he can't lead me on. We stayed in contact for a bit but he went on to call me crazy for " being in love and obsessed with someone I barely know" when I never even told him I loved him and was simply meeting the energy he would give me at times. I was constantly questioning my sanity and wondering if I was abusive or toxic. He eventually completely discarded me because he said he can't do long-distance. I may never know if he is a true narcissist but I do know I need much healing while I try to clear these cob webs of confusion he spun in my head for too long. I wish everyone great healing and love. ❤🩹
@@CommonEgo This is so true .. In my case beleive me in the very first year of this 7-years relationship I wanted to run ! BUT.. because she was my first love when we were at the age 12-16 something that had not a happy end .. I said to myself this time '' try hard ..try hard.. maybe I am not doing something well or maybe I am wrong etc .. to make her to have 'the' behaviours .." and little by little I went to the downhill .. Now .. thanks to all of you our mentors on the youtube , day by day I open my eyes more .. and maybe I am learning to love and let go .. instead of to hate and let go
@@safourasalami Yes, good statement. love and let go, not hate and let go for yourself and peace of mind. They have an addiction that they're not admitting to, let alone change.
The covert narcissist I encountered for 18 years meets the entire criteria of the 11 you listed as a covert narcissist. He was my best friend for 7 years, then we got involved, and then was gaslit and love bombed for the next 11. I’m blessed you brought awareness by making this video. Now I can heal and move forward. Thank you.
Wow, the lack of object permanence makes so much sense in so many situations/relationships I’ve dealt with. In one case, I’d travel frequently for work and always had this weird underlying feeling. I later found out that partner was up to no good, in some form, most times I was away. It really triggered him. In other cases, I’ve been pursued by guys who claim to be happy in their relationship and it’s usually when the partner is not around (at work, on study trips, etc). It’s like they resent their partner for being away, even though they are working/studying etc. Selfish toddlers! Ugh. I’m so done with these worms, but somehow they find a way to squirm into your life. At least now I’m better at stomping it out as soon as I get a whiff of narc stench. Pass the repellent spray.
wow.. when you talked about how they will be dismissive of you needing emotional support because they are busy with something like watching tv...I had been bawling my eyes out about something and the covert narcissist got mad at me because he was playing video games...that use to happen all the time.
The bible talks of this I would give you a heart of flesh not of stone. The emotional abusive person cannot feel what others feel because they have a heart of stone.
Alexander Stevens truth mine was so heartless n hateful yes I agree the state of the world I was a bit excited to watch because I know Jesus Christ is coming
@@user-2911 Jesus isnt coming in peace this time either, cant wait til this world is rid of evil. Its a spiritual battle so im doing my best not to hold hate for people who've done me wrong.
I didn't know about that 11th thing but it makes perfect sense. My narc ex, when she discarded me the first time, she had gone to visit her mother out of the country. When she left I dropped her off at the airport and she was so affectionate. She said, "I miss you already", "I don't know what I'm going to do a whole week without you ". When she came back, she was a totally different person. It's like they kidnapped my girlfriend and replaced her with an evil twin. She said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me because when she was with her mom she didn't miss me, she said she didn't even think about me. This was as drastic a difference as you can get from the person she was before the trip. Anyhow, thanks for the great video. Further confirms that I 100% was dealing with a covert narcissist. She had all 11 traits you described.
Thank you for your talks! I would really appreciate it if you put the headline items for your list in the description as well, this would help me as a memory tweak after listening to your talk. For others like me, here's the list: 1. Intense Soulmate Connection (may have said "I Love You" first, but this is not definitive) 2. Something Felt Off (gut feeling / look in their eyes / odd reactions, etc) 3. Cognitive Dissonance in the relationship (actions / words don't meet up) 4. Intense Need to Win (false apologies if at all) 5. Justifying Bad Behaviour (did something bad but "had no choice") 6. Insecure Feelings (start to pick you apart / highlight all your flaws) 7. Disproportionate Rage or Anger (blow up unexpectedly) 8. Gaslighting (often around cheating, but not always) 9. Lack of Empathy (but may have ability to fake it) 10. Lack of Whole Object Relations (say things you wouldn't normally say when "in the moment"/hates you during the argument, loves you afterwards.) 11. Insecurity when Apart / Object Constancy (doesn't think about you when you're not around / outta sight outta mind)
They lack genuine interest and curiosity about you as a person (who you are, what you like, etc.). They will ask superficial questions, sure, and "listen" when you volunteer information. But after having spent a considerable amount of time with this person, you realise that they don’t know anything about you really, and they couldn't care less.
Or they keep repeating the same story over and over. They don't remember what they have told to whom.
They are bored to tears if everything, ( and I mean EVERYTHING,) is not about them. Other people are just accessories. The man that I left didn't know what my handwriting looked like, after 2 1/2 years.
Sooooo true
I never felt like I counted / mattered and or was important in the 14 year marriage
Melrakki just had this happen today. I never realised until putting the pieces together that this ‘friend’ never really heard anything I spoke about.
Then they tried saying it’s my fault they haven’t been in touch. Why you might ask? Because I have depression was their excuse. I don’t fit in their positive happy world.
The covert narcs apology goes something like this “I’m sorry but my actions were actually your fault because...”
Alysc Studjo My narc husband’s apologies (the few he actually said in 19 years) went like this “Okay, I’m sorry, but what do you expect? I was mad because you did such and such....
Exactly. It's always your fault, it's never theirs.
Or "I'm sorry that you feel that way..."
Alysc Studjo you forgot the last part. “ and you know what, if I decide to do x I deserve it because of y”
As I've listened to this and other fine videos on narcissism, the image of my ex is commingled with those of my mother and sister. There are some differences in how they exhibit the various traits, but now I realize how long I have been surrounded with this toxic atmosphere and influence. I can't solve what they do but I can solve how I handle it. And I am finally feeling strong and allowing myself to be (slightly) amused instead of manipulated. So glad to finally see the light!
1. intense soulmate connection (lovebombing) 3:00
2. something is off 5:10
3. cognitive dissonance (actions don't align with words) 6:15
4. intense need to win (not admitting they're wrong or insincere apologies) 7:16
5. justifying bad behavior 9:43
6. insecure feelings (how they make you feel) 10:30
7. disproportionate rage or anger (blow up at little things) 12:25
8. gasligting 14:25
9. lack of empathy 17:20
10. lack of whole object relations (black and white perception of themselves and others (mostly others), hates you then loves you) 21:27
11. insecurity when apart (not attached to you when you're not around) 23:00
Probably 9
Out of the 11 she spoke of, I identified all 11 from my ex ...sigh
All 11
She had all of these traits that were described and also another one always plays the victim every relationship she had been in she was the victim and they were all abusers according to her none of them had any good qualities and so she did the same thing to me made me out to be an abuser to other people I had a successful relationship for 35 years with my first wife until I lost her to cancer then I marry this woman against my own better judgment I had that gut feeling before I did and didn't go with it which I regret it now.I knew Somthing wasn't right about her from the start and told myself this a bad idea but I didn't listin to my gut
@@narceliminator3382 Man I get it....I also kept justifying that gut feeling I got from day 1. It lasted for 5 years. I considered her my best friend...but I'm so glad I ended it
I always check back in on these kinds of videos when I start missing my ex.
Thank you so much! for reminding me of that essential step😊
I don’t miss the devil thank you God 🙏🏼
Rabbit, I do the SAME EXACT THING. You're not alone. Keep moving forward.
For sure it helps!!!
Literally doing that now.
There is a difficulty with a covert narcissists. But pay attention to the weird insensitive things they sometimes say in the moments when they dont watch themselves.
Very true.
Good advice! ❤🙏
Yeah, like he says under his breath..."stupid broad"...and I say you really don't like women, do you?
Oh yes. And when you speak up they were "just joking" and you're "too damn sensitive."
Mine actually yelled, “Don’t get raped!” When I had to walk over to an outhouse On a mountain bike trail. It was shocking.
A big sign, is that the Narcissist is ALWAYS right. If you happen to correct them. They take it as an attack & they don't like it.
Yep, my ex gf was like that, and then had the nerve to tell me post relationship, “you always had to be right.” I laughed and was like, when was I EVER right with you?!
Probably the biggest sign. Talking with my ex was like talking with a wall.
Another common one is in the early stages of the relationship they will tend to play the victim when talking about their past relationships, making out how horrible the other person was. This is usually a test to see if you're a good source of supply who will give them plenty of attention and reassurance.
Zigggyyy C oh, God. How they do love the reassurance! Constant reassurance! Every day, every time, all the time, and their favorite way that they try to manipulate you seems to be “ if you really loved me you would do x” this way, they get what they want and a dose of reassurance all at the same time. Or, they back you into a trap by saying that you didn’t do something they wanted therefore it means you don’t love them and then you sit there and try to protest how much you love them until you just look silly. And they enjoy every minute of it. Then, you educate yourself and don’t play the game anymore and they lose their shit! Go completely bonkers.
@@Hun_Uinaq oh they certainly panic if they feel like they're losing their control over you. Typically they use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. One of my ex's most common phrases to use on me was 'oh that's not very gentlemanly of you ' if I wasn't bowing to her needs
Yes, this is one of the first things that a CN could test you with.
Yes they won't show any accountability in past relationships
My ex told me she always paid for everything in all of her previous relationships lmao
I was a fucking moron for believing her
.. Also they are very passive aggressive!
Definitely!
And they punish you after an argument and if you apologize they can’t move forward or take responsibility for their part.
They have to keep bringing up the past and you thought that was resolved and they understood but no a year later they bring it up.
BIG YES! It is like they are playing your mind and feeling like a yo-yo and kept you confused whether you should be offended or just forget about it.
@Suddenly Impossible I am OK with silent treatment but the real problem with them is they are GREAT at SCREAM CAMPAIGNING.
The closest to admitting fault I ever got from my EX covert was “I’m sorry you feel that way”
Mine too he always said that words whenever i bring out things he had done wrong. Told me it wasn't wrong and he is sorry if i felt that way. For him all he had done was right.
Same here
Mine says that everytime he's gaslightening me.....
Im sorry you feel hurt. That was the closest to his apology.
Mine was "im sorry if you were hurt by me". Like what does that even mean?
Coverts are superb actors. Mine deserved an Academy award. Initially she came across as shy, socially awkward and quite vulnerable, but it was an act. She quickly and accurately recognised that I was an empath and proceeded to emotionally dismantle me until I became a complete nervous wreck.
I wish I knew then what I know now. I never realised these creatures existed until becoming entangled with one.
@Carol Mizelle
I wish you well too. ♥️.
Same here
Sounds so familiar...
Yes, creatures!
Same here, she was an in law who twisted everything I did and said to make me look bad, and her the victim. Viscious , dangerous people like this can cause so much damage, best to cut ties completely!.
Major red flags from someone that had a few relationships with narcissists... They will tell you many times in the beginning that you are perfect. So much it will be uncomfortable.
Also, they will blow up the first time for a small reason that you will never see it coming. I was so scared I was frozen and shaking, without a proper reaction. And later I told him I didn't like and I've got the obvious response: I didn't raise my voice, you are overreacting, you are too sensitive *rolls eyes and ignores you for 2 days.
If your boyfriend makes you cry and acts like you're not there crying and doesn't talk to you for days, run.
Yup...my covert narc used to call me her "perfect soulmate". A month into dating she just snapped at me out of nowhere. It was bizarre bc it was completely inappropriate for the situation. When I asked her why she snapped she denied it ever happened. I get it completely..
wow, i feel like you described my ex. i’m sorry you went through this too.
Same happened to me. I agree...RUN!
What is with the silent treatment after calling them out?
I'm sorry, but....do YOU understand why I did that?
Its like they love you because to them you are perfect and then they realize that your “perfection” makes them look bad so they hate you perfection, but when they find out you aren’t perfect they hate it because they deserve someone perfect, but they would blame you for being perfect or for being imperfect and then-
I just wonder how their logic doesn’t make them dizzy all the time.
This is very true
Literally my mom, my whole life 😞
AGREED
Like how are narcissists not EXHAUSTED
No wonder my ex always wanted an early night (one of the many ways he gave me so little time) . Sounds very exhausting to be like this 🙄
They cannot take criticism or insinuated criticism. They go quickly into a rage. They want you to show them the upmost respect unfortunately the respect is not reciprocated.
Yep this sums it up. I was called a bitch with a pathetic waste of a life, she accused me of things I hadn’t done then starting complaining that I didn’t have a good opinion of her..., Narcs have zero self awareness🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
Yes this fucker expects 100pc loyalty and respect whilst giving absolutely none back whatsoever. He is deluded and I feel so much better now I have realised he is a covert narcissist
You betcha! Great point!!!
@@SunnyBeetle1922
I carried ALL the burdens for the family: disabilities, work, household maintenance, etc., while he just spent 20 years doing nothing but obtaining supply from EVERY source possible. Even manipulating our children. OUR CHILDREN. AND GRANDCHILDREN. WHEN THE KIDS WERE UNDERAGE AND OF AGE. I was told I was miserable, angry, and bitter. Was blamed for infidelity. And, everything else. Of course, I began to think that this was me. That I was just a drudge. That I was just not marriage material. Now, I think, 'well, how do you think I GOT this way'. Special place in hell for these b******s.
@@GossipIsSlander
I know what autism looks like, there is an innocence and unawareness with autistic people especially those on the higher spectrum. With a narcissist there is cruel disregard and intent.
When they actually "apologize" for something they did, their tone of voice is dry and dismissive and you get an uncomfortable sense that they don't really mean it.
MMine actually said, after 13 years: “ I’m so sick of apologizing. That’s why I don’t anymore” .My response: “ i don’t want an apology. I want you to stop doing the horrendous things you do. Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.
Agreed. The apology was always clinical and textbook like. Never genuine.
Mines at this phase now. Unfortunately we have kids together and hes put them in the middle. He apologizes over and over, but ... yes so dry! So emotionless. Empty. Makes me feel gross, and then he wants to kiss me? Yuck! Very monotone in what he says. These apologies are after I called him out on being a narc and listed all the things hes done. Some he denied, some he couldn't remember, ... sure...
But now he sees hes been wrong and I'm so sorry. I really want to fix this. I told u, u would be the last 1 I marry. It's all my fault, and it's ok if u never love me again
A true apology includes changed behavior.
Mine said sorry once in 13 years, it went like this, Im sorry youre upset but Im not sorry for what happened because it had to be that way!! When I found out about his last affair with a married woman and spoke to the womans husband, his reply I can never trust you again, I suppose you want me gone, I suppose you want me dead! Says it all really doesnt it!
Coverts are very sneaky. And they LOVE to hide things. I think that hiding things is at the very core of who they are.
Jonesy,hope you are not with a narcissist cause you are too pretty!
@@lioydwilliams1850 that was very bold ! Sincere SOUL_ You are being the light that our Gaia desperately needed! Complemented her like a gentleman _🌼 ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Yes they hide everything. You made be very right about that jonesy
I always say that I dont really know him bc he lies so much and hides things. Every person he's cheated on me with with when I finally found the proof I used to laugh at rhe ahit hed tell them. Ugh. I have no clue what he does when not here and I stopped looking bx everytime I do I find something. And now I'm on my way out.
Yes very sneaky, add the gaslighting to it and forget it, their secrets and lies can go on for years before you discover them and you never discover them all...
They humiliate you in front of friends & family for their personal highs
So true. It's kind of like the playground bully who puts other people down to make themselves feel better.
You are on point, also they would laugh at you in front of their friends, and gossip behind you,and telling you they love you behind close doors, that's Devil to me..
Mine would try to talk mess about me behind my back to mutual friends who wouldn't join in and would point out what she was doing was shady. That's when all of a sudden she would flip, saying I was her best friend and praising me as if she hadn't just tried to vilify me seconds before. The mutual friends never said anything to me until after our relationship was over because they didn't want to start anything and they thought I wouldn't believe them. Honestly, they're right. I would have found a way to defend her.
Yes theyre bullies
They even do when you say sthg nice about them. I was told that a trait of mine is disgusting. And than oh guess was too hard...laughing..seriously is this funny? It's somehow funny he finds it funny in a sad way
Uff
My previous relationship was like 10 out of 11.
You forgot to mention Walking on eggshells. :)
Great point! I did talk about that in one recent video... maybe signs you're dating a covert narcissist 🤔 But it's definitely relevant here too! Thanks for your comment! 🙏❤
Oh YES. I remember feeling exactly like that! Very stressful.
9 out if 11 for me. Out of 12 adding in the eggshells point.
"Walking on eggshells" yup, you're absolutely right. They sure can dish it out but they can't take it if you point out an irritating habit, even in a diplomatic way; it rattles their grandiose self-image. They will try to justify themselves with all kinds of logical explanations as to why they are behaving like that and also project their flaws onto you implying that YOU are like them too.
Lawrence Gonzales that’s a BIG one!
This is no joke! I've been married to one for 12 years, and just figured it out in the last few months. I feel so betrayed but I'm also onto him. I'm leaving this week and going home to my family where I am loved, not where I'm utilized and controlled. I'm done.
@fooloof yes! I couldn't be happier!!
@@etchersplace best news al day... so glad you escaped ☺️🙏🏽💯💯
@@SunnyBeetle1922 thank you!
@@etchersplace you’re so welcome. Now is your time to enjoy life.💛💛💛☀️🌈☀️🌈☀️
Yes. It takes years to heal even!
Also, if you’ve been emotionally abused by a narcissist for many years, After the discard phase and you have come to yourself….You may find that your own ability to empathize has been impaired due to years of lack of emotional support.
I'm glad you said this. It's what I'm experiencing. Lack of emotional support is very damaging.
6 years with a very smart convert narc , and I still cry when I see videos on tik tok with poor people or sick ones . He couldn’t with my big heart , I’m so happy to know that I’m a good person , I really don’t want nothing from life , I just wanna be that good person forever .
that's very much me, the worst parts are when i can _feel_ how the person is feeling but don't know how to act because i was never taught how to react to those emotions
it's so frustrating, idk if it happens to somebody else :|
This is where I'm now. Im still in the process of leaving but I have literally sbit down so much I am numb and no longer really have the ability to cry. I sometimes do but I used to be the kind of person who wore mt heart on mt sleeve and was very emotional. Id cry when happy or sad and now I just feel nothing.
Narcissists corrupt our empathy so we care less over time H.G Tudor said...
My ex was a covert narcissist. He made me feel like I was always insecure I was never his priority.He would tell me he loved me but his actions never reflected it. I fell head over heals in love which was the lovebombing phase as explained. He isolated me from my family and turned me against them. Thinking it was my own thoughts and idea, the you and me against the world mentality if you will... My parents and siblings could see the affect he had on me. I wasnt happy go lucky like I was before him. I felt like there was always a cloud over me and didnt know why. My happiness always felt sucked out of me. I stopped talking to my friends and doing the things I loved... I remember my moment of clarity and felt like I needed to get out. It felt like I woke up from a spell, like an aha moment.
This...this is what I'd like to feel.
Yes, they are energy suckers. Since everything revolves around them and their need for supply, you are left exhausted
@@naomiaustin3560 don't buy into any story where he can turn your family against you... trust your gut...you know your family not loser
But im scared to leave i love him more than anything
He makes me want to kill myself but i love him so much
I love this comment section. I feel so understood. So many shared experiences ❤
I feel sad reading the comment section... i'm not a monster! At least i don't want to be... 😢
Narcissistic apology is self-centered. The goal then is not to make the other person feel better and to attend to their feelings, but to make them pity you, to make it all about you again.
Yes exactly!!!!
11 signs to recognise a covert narcissist
:
1. Intense soulmate connection
2. "Something is a little bit off" - Gut feeling
3. Cognitive Dissonance
4. Intense need to win, never apologising
5. Expert in justifying bad behavior
6. Insecure Feelings
7. Disproportionate rage or anger
8. Gaslighting
9. Lack of empathy
10. Lack of whole object relations
11. Insecure when apart
Dihren, number 12 Triangulation
A million thanks!
oh my god, that describes my terrible ex exactly!
Got all 11 for my ex! Omg what an eye opener 🤦♀️
Oh I've been apologized to but he was laughing while he did it.
Sheepish, shy, kind, easygoing....i thought i was so lucky
And so cute and adoreable. Never met anyone like them before... 😮😢 Sad to know it was all A lie.
Use to think she was so sweet, demure and kind. I was wrong. Very, very wrong.
Me too now im suffering from silent treatment and threats of discard
I could add #12 They are always the VICTIM🙄
Yep that one
Always...
Yes
…because they are. They are their OWN victim, but project that onto you.
So true they always play the victim !!! Always know they is always two sides to every story
When my husband found out I had it figured out he started watching videos about this and is now trying to convince me I am the one with the problem. Typical huh
@@user-2911 I understand you pray for some kind of justice. You survived ❤. I'm still trying to leave, wish me luck. I know you know how hard it is. Best thoughts ❤
@@user-2911 Thank you for your reply. You're on point. Thank you for the spiritual uplifting ❤. Enjoy life and be happy
This happened to someone I know as well. Seems to be a common trait, good on you for not giving into it
Best of luck, I hope you figure your way through this and find happiness :)
My exwife did that too
I just did a final break up with someone I loved the most. She had all of those traits. Sad. Now I have to figure life out again
Just found out she's most likely a covert N. I knew something wasn't right and what a talented liar she is. All 11 traits & #12 user posted ALWAYS VICTIM Check!
I guess her cell phone wasn't stolen (as she stated) at gunpoint while the assailant made her type in her pin code so the 2 gunmen could then give the phone to her ex boyfriend who then proceed to post all kinds of inflammatory stuff on her FB & told me they were in a 2 month affair while I was away and he snatched it while she was with him.
Well, Don't talk feelings with them!
Justifying their behaviour is often done by playing the victim. Mine told me right from the start that she had an extremely traumatic childhood (emotional abuse, violent alcoholic father, being abandoned etc...) which made me give her second chances all the time! She didn’t have to justify her bad behaviour I did it for her! 🤦🏻♀️
Also they are extremely jealous of others...resentful too.
Very true! I've lived with a malignant textbook covert narc for 23 years and he's ALWAYS either acting sick or playing victim to better manipulate people. He knows as long he plays victim and helpless people don't see him as a threat
Sounds exactly like my ex
@@nh55871Wow 23 years! I hope you're away from him now♡
Same! I grew up with her and knew her family, the abuse was one thing she actually didn't lie about. Since I knew what she'd been through, I let her get away with everything.
@@favouritecat
Yes, no doubt they were abused, but no matter, it's STILL NOT an excuse for them to be abusive or to stay with an abuser. Regardless, the partner can forgive only so much, but unless the abuser takes deliberate steps to get addiction counseling (just like an alcoholic gets counseling and a stint in a rehab) the abused must get away and go No Contact.
Narcs themselves are solely responsible for getting help/counseling for AS LONG AS IT TAKES to get get better. PERIOD. If they don't then they don't and they'll just have to pay the consequences just like all of us have to pay the consequences of our addictions and things that happen to us in life.
NPD addiction in a nutshell is they're love addicts. They've got to have it yet at the same time they sabotage and ruin it for themselves.
Basically the lights are on but nobody's home.
Hilarious - covert Nex always kept a light on when he wasn’t home 😂
Right something just doesn’t click no matter how hard they try to make it click.
So perfect
There *is* somebody home: a hateful destructive person.
@@J-Rc or some people are blind af and trip on everything when they open the door 😂😂 not enough proof pick a new one .
Kristina, this is a powerful vid. I was married 34 years to someone who demonstrated many of those characteristics. She is a super intelligent woman and does most things she attepmts well. I was and am proud of that.
Unfortunately she was raised by a self centered overt narcissist that scapegoated her. I was empathetic to that and gave allot of space for the behavior that was an enigma. She was nice most of the time although I cannot ever recall her taking ownership for an error and apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I dont recall one time that happening. We argued little but when we did she would mind read and always the tell me how I felt about her and it was always bad. I actually loved her very much but didn't understand that bizzare behavior. On thing this vid answered for me was why we struggled several times when I was away for a period of time. The relationship was in question several times and that gut feeling you described was present. What ended our relationship was her staying with our adult kids in another state. She gaslighted me and many other things. Sad really because deep inside her is a good person. She also seems like a Dismissive Avoident.
Anyway good vid
My bf often get mad when I voice my opinion that opposed to his. He made it up that I was attacking him when we simply disagree. This happened quite often. Thanks this video is very helpful.
Yep, your disagreements are a sign of attacking them
Thats Exactly the word they use as in "why are you attacking me?" If you want to discuss something.
My soon to be ex wife would say I was belittling her if I didn’t agree with her or would be accused of “not having her back”
@@maddyL1234 100%
When I had a disagreement with a narc she got all her friends to write abusive messages on every social media account I had even after blocking g, they found me and stalked me. They accused me of having schizophrenia because I didn’t agree with what the narc said🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
They latch onto you like a leech from day one. They are always there, always texting, calling, continuously. They want a close intense relationship immediately, and it's not always a romantic relationship they want, it's a seduction that's aggressive in some way and can be seen as just friendly, but aggressive and constant.
Definitely aggressive in forcing that connection. It's almost as though they think you'll run if you actually have time to get to know them like in a normal relationship 🤔
Run... do like she says
Yes, like in appropriately personal on first day/week at work (new colleague)! Nice in public but starts putting m down in private! Aggressively wanting 1 on 1 lunches & standing way to close to me at work in the love bomb phase.
I used to be really close with my mother in law when I first met her... She had portrayed herself as a compassionate, caring, generous person, and in doing so, successfully deceived me. I would get little glimpses of her true self from time to time but always gave her the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't until I realized that she had a very "selective memory" when it came to details I've told her about my personal life... She never seemed to remember the stories I've told her that were "good" or "neutral"... But somehow she would always remember the bad, or embarrassing stories I've shared with her about me. She would use that information as ammo for future arguments or trying to turn people against me. They are some of the most scariest people I have come across because it is literally a wolf in sheeps clothing... I am even less trusting of people now
Two early signs, they say their ex's were boring or crazy. Also, they dont like kissing. They will at first but will stop soon after.
Yep, calling all the exes crazy is a big red flag.
Lexie Mae why don't they like kissing
@@Truseeker76 its intimacy, which they hate
Lexie Mae makes sense!
Lexie Mae yep exactly right! They don’t like kissing. Also robotic and mechanical on the sexual side of things. No emotion involved whatsoever
They be in competition with you or have some jealousy 😖🥴
Yes, mine did, to the point that he attempted to steal my son's sneakers or show no interest when I went shopping, or the congrats where always fake, you can sense it. If I was on vacation, I would receive nasty messages, it was all because he was not there. He was not reaping the benefits of being with me.
Naomi Austin the worst!! I hope you left that’s just so toxic! Stole your sons shoes!? Oh no 😭
@@yoimpretty I have left and trying to completely disconnect myself. Currently he lives very close to me, but I am recovering..thank you..yes just toxic and jealous.
@@naomiaustin3560 you got this! You deserve better! No one deserves to be treated like that. You will recover completely ❤️
@@yoimpretty yes I left, just a very insecure and jealous person inside. Between the thousands behind in his own child support, criminal record, credit issues, he can pretend which he is pretty good at, and they all are, the hate and nastiness came from my exposure to his family of who he really was, no one had done that, so he was able to carry on the false sense of self and make everyone else the bad guy.
I was friends with a covert narcissist for a long time. Things were great at the beginning, we had a lot in common. The love bombing was very strong. "You're the only friend I never fight with" was a manipulation tactic, to convince me I'm not like anyone else. To convince me to never argue with her.
When I started making other friends outside of her circle of friends, she got jealous and started gaslighting me to isolate me. Cried if i didn't invite her to every single thing i wss doing, guilt tripped me for setting boundaries, sabotaged my plans with other people. I cut her out of my life and god it was a huge relief
I do not "suspect ", I know.
The only thing worse than a passive aggressive covert narcissist or BPD, is being a unaware codependent. You must listen to your gut.
Love your vids and presentation.
TOTALLY.
Yesssss!!!!
My ex was BPD and a narcisstic. She hated when I ate all the food from my plate. She told me it made her look bad. Like she never feeds me at home especially when we were at a restaurant. She worried about her image all the time. I told her to find someone else she can manipulate. It's so petty.
Definitely all 11. The lack of empathy just kills me. I think they use all of their empathy on themselves, therefore, have nothing left to give.. there's no room left in their brains or hearts to feel for anyone else!
The lack of empathy is the most difficult to understand. When you have it, it's near impossible to imagine not having it
Brilliantly put!
@deb sabatino Me too!😔
I knew I was going through it when I cried 8 minutes into this video. I haven’t cried in a couple years. This hit home again and I’m so grateful for these videos. I’m a co dependent BPD survivor who can’t leave narcissts alone but these videos give me life.
After decades of mistreatment (to put it mildly) at the hands of my older sister, I finally realized that she suffers from deep narcissism. After a few more years (!), I finally realized the next step to freeing myself was forgiving her. It was practically impossible (she had turned other family members against me out of her own jealousy), until one day I glanced at an old family photograph. What I saw there was one happy little five year old (which was me) and a miserable-looking, sad little seven year old. It broke my heart. And the forgiveness poured in. I don't know what caused her unhappiness, but it was palpable in that photograph and now, as we've both aged, it's visible in her facial lines. If you can forgive, it is the best path to healing. And it may even help them to heal a little. It's almost as if she is missing a limb or has some physical impairment, but is totally unaware of it.
Narcissism creates more narcissism... Maybe think about ways your Patents treted her wrong you didn't realise
Exactly the same! Even the age difference. I've tried to give many chances, but even as adults, the toxicity is extreme. Family has a perception of me based on rumors she's spread. I Feel sorry for her really...and my neices. But I recently realized that I can't have her in my life. It's too unhealthy for me. 😔
I agree 100% regarding forgiving, but I do think it is in your best interest or anyone’s best interest not to live with the person you have forgiven as they will continue to hurt. The distance will help.
I dealt with a nun who was a covert narcissist. Master manipulator and has half her religious community fooled that she's an absolute saint. It's scary.
Word I met a girl who said she could of been a nun she was far from that lol .
Same. Knew a woman once who said she so wanted to be a nun. But they didn't let her in. So she married & had a child. Pretences too be the most religious & righteous of all people she ever meets, the only people she has any real respect for are probably the priests. Turns out she was selling to them & sexually molesting her own daughter all these years
I have a similar experience but it's a priest who I've discovered who's a covert. I haven't been to mass since, and don't know how I can report it? Coz it's hard to let others know who think they're wonderful, but I've seen through the mask, and feel I have to let at least the bishop know. But I'm afraid I'll be passed off and seen as a cuckoo!
That’s her trauma. Someone(s) treated her like that. Let’s pray for her deliverance.
What does the other half say/think/do?
The object constancy just explained everything about the break-up. I couldn't put it into words but yes. Unless I'm in front of him, i didn't exist. Amazing. Thank you.
You nailed all 11 characteristics. Each time you hit a bullet point, I had an Ahha moment. I have spent most of my life working to make this marriage work; now I realize that it has only been an exhausting game that will never end.
I'm in the same place😢
RUN but quietly if you haven't already. It's not worth it. Life's way too short. Other than that, wishing you all the best.
I'm so sorry
Someone once said that after the 3rd WTF moment, you need to pay attention or just plain get out
That reminds me of this gem o' wisdom: When someone tells you something about themselves (that WTF moment in particular), believe them.
Can you give an example of a wtf moment?
@@alexisrene5854 really, it’s anytime someone says or does something that leaves you puzzled 🤨 or you catch them in a blatant lie.
@@Booboonancy okay thank you for clarifying I want to be able to identify so I can learn from my past mistakes
Omfg! Mind blown! 8 years and it's taken this long to come to this revelation! A friend sent me your video! Thank you so much. You've hit the nail on the head! I gotta get a plan and get out!
CaSandra c,You got a lovely smile 😊!!
The empathy issue is sooo hard to detect, but I've learned it feels as though the other person is operating from a relationship "manual" instead of acting out of their feelings. They actually have to think "what is the right response?" This is a great video. Thank you for this.
yep they say things what they think people want to hear, but they don’t mean any of it
When you nearly take your own life and end up in the hosptial and then hear that it's not your right to feel bad, you should say sorry to them for your behavior... then you should know. But you don't, 6 years later is when you see things more clearly. And you are the one living with all the scars. I can see clearly now... And it bloody hurts. I am addicted not having empathy now... It's sad
Mine actually admitted he had to check the response of everyone in the room to know how to respond accurately.
Yes! Thats so true. And if they don't have a response in their data base, they just gawk at you with a blank stare like an android that is being rebooted, until you ask them whether anyone is home up there. But there never is.
All of them...literally all of them. It is the scariest thing I've had to live through. I have PTSD because of it. Nothing will stop them
I noticed that there was something off with my ex when he said that he doesn't need me that he only wants me....
Yeah...
Just run.
12 Keeping you away from friends and family?
Mine literally told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends and family about the things that were bothering me in the relationship because it was "messing with his reputation." I can't believe I didn't get out of there sooner
Definate
@@fproszek I miss my brother so much. Almost half a year. We were fine before.
Yes
@@johnroekoek12345 What keeps you to not be able to change it?
I feel drained.
I spent 14 years of marriage completely drained. Couldn't work out why I needed to sleep so much - and never felt rested!
Exhausted, tired and worn out.#smh
I feel it deeply
I hear you bro. I'm exhausted and on year 25 of this nonsense. If I dont bail soon I'm genuinely afraid the stress from my marriage will destroy my health. Take care..
Get out now
OH MY GOD. This is freaky. Especially the last point about object permanence. He literally said until I live with him under the same roof we’re not in a real relationship. Thank you so, so much for making these it’s really helping me process the hurt he caused me. I thought I was going crazy. ❤️
"apologize but then do it again and again and again" - wow, that was my ex-husband for sure. I wondered at the end why he even married me when he so obviously did not like even the most basic things about my personality. I now realize he didn't know anything about me really, was attracted to me based solely on looks and then felt angry and frustrated by my behavior. . .he was so mad my idealized looks didn't match my personality
yep mine too
Amen. The only thing my ex didn’t say anything negative about was my looks, but he wanted me to not wear makeup, made comments about how I dressed, which wasn’t inappropriate at all, and I believe it was because he was so insecure he didn’t want me to leave, and thought if I looked good someone would steal me from him. I told him over and over I wouldn’t leave. Ironically it was him who pushed me away with the emotional abuse and terrible verbal tirades
Don't forget trying to act like a hero to everyone, buying people things and helping them with things especially when OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, just to get the affirmation and validation--the 'You're an amazing person!' etc. compliments, and proof for their inner broken selves that they're good. Yes, a narc doesn't really do anything for others out of compassion and selflessness. It always circles back to them trying to prove they are the BEST friend in their circle, the BEST person in the neighborhood or work place...this can even go as far as a narc crying over world disasters in front of their 'audience' or donating to charity and then posting about it for validation on social, etc.
Mine is doing that right now. Even though I called it quits after 36 yrs, went out and got a crap job so I could find an apartment asap (once I'm out, I'll have time to find a better job) , he is giving me my space, we keep a wide berth away from each other. (Due to COVID & my initial lack of $ & job, we are separated under same roof).
He is constantly trying to "help me" get on my feet, offered to give me money to put down on apartment once I find one, I need better shoes for work, he wants to buy them for me (motivated really by, it's a BOGO thing and he wants a new pair), gave me the car and wants to put it in my name (everything incl our house has been in his name for years, i never thought I would leave, neither did he.)
He is being nicer now that he knows I am really leaving and done this time. Why couldn't ha have been as kind and generous when I was giving my all to the relationship?
Absolutely! Covert Hex is such a hero in his town. Everybody “loves” him, jus throwing money to every problem and being always the “savior”, while totally emotionally neglecting and abandoning his wife and kid.
Several hundred people attended the funeral of my mother. When I was the only person around me, she never said anything nice about even one of them. But: She never said nice things about me, either.
@@phoenixmode6909 Watch out he's trying to love bomb you again so you won't leave him. Don't do it it's a trap.
sheena J It's all good! I let him pay. Didn't care. He owes me. Wait'll he sees the marital settlement agreement I'm drafting. I moved out, filed for divorce in 9/11( also was two days after his birthday.) They finally caught him home to serve the papers. He called immediately the next day. Guess he underestimated me. Haven't heard from him since. Nice to have some silence, but a bit unnerving, not knowing what he's up to. The courthouse says he hasn't responded yet. He has another 2 weeks to respond to the summons, and the clerk said if he doesn't, they'll notify the judge.
You just described the person I’ve been calling my best friend for 25 years. 10 out of the eleven fit her to a T. I’m kind of in shock. I knew there were issues from the start, I knew she was not a healthy person emotionally, but I did not ever consider covert narcissism to be the problem. I’m not sure where to go from here, except that the relationship is deteriorating. Much food for thought. Thank you.
1. Intense soulmate connection. Love bombing phase. They feel connection, say they love you very early, and idealize you. But it turns to abuse over time.
2. Something felt a little off.
3. Cognitive dissonance that I experience when with person whose words and actions don’t align. We feel like we are crazy because we notice they are not doing what they say they are going to do. They say they love me but they hurt me.
4. Intense need to win. Not always as obvious as what we think.
5. They justify bad behavior because they have “Good reason”.
6. How do I feel when I am with this person. You start out feeling awesome but later you’ll feel them taking your flaws apart.
7. Gaslighting - often happens around cheating. Narc is cheating and you feel like / know Narc is cheating. You confront Narc & they’ll blow up and turn tables on you.
8. Lack of empathy.
9.
10.
11.
Darn missed a few.
One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant:
MONTH one : Great
MONTH two : Greater
MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts...)
MONTH four : Heaven (I love you...)
MONTH five : Seventh heaven...
MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts...)
MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring...
MONTH eight : distancing/lying begins (gaslighting also)...
MONTH nine : lying clearly shows...
MONTH ten : Frustration sets in...
MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault...
MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD
MONTH thirteen :
MONTH fourteen :
Her; closure letter mailed to me.
Me; Still NO contact, too late for her, DO NOT RESPOND.
awesome!!!!!!
Congratulations on not going back! I wish I could say the same. They are exhausting creatures 😒
@@AmbyJeans don't beat yourself up...when we go back it just means we have some more lessons to learn about ourselves...delve deep into why you go back. when you discover this, you can then work on it and get to a point where your love for self is so strong that tolerating ANY form or degree of abuse from ANYONE will NEVER be acceptable!! xo
Great description!, they seem to have the same script behavior.
Ralph perfect description. Mine was same except masked slipped in month 7.
God, I feel so happy because all these 5 years I thought I was overthinking and blamed myself.
The recent narcs I've interacted with have made negative comments about my apartment, clothing and lack of wealth. These comments were made early in the interactions, and I was too shocked to respond appropriately. I can't believe I allowed such rude comments and behavior to go unchecked, and I still hung out with them, pathetic. No more though. Next narc will be tossed to the curb after the first insult--zero tolerance.
if its a lot, recent, and they talked about common things maybe all those people weren't narcs but just being honest 🤣
"Tell me exactly what you know about me supposedly cheating and I'll explain how those things are wrong." Literally wanted me to give him a map of how to lie to me 😂
I never thought of it that way!!!
LMFAO
Exactly its listening to that kind of insanity
Its like they want to know exact details so they can think of ways to disprove them because they're always right.
Narc thinks that oral, anal, kissing, fondling, or massaging isn't cheating. Anything besides the act of a penis in the vagina isn't sex. It's really disturbing. I argued this disagreement so loud, I lost my voice and realized I was arguing with a mental case. I had to leave the relationship. I can't do narcs anymore. Nope, moving on.
Oh my God I just went through the Narcissists Discard and for days couldnt figure out what happened. Every point has been checking off point by point and in the end when I told her I missed the girl who once cried for me when I was vulnerable she replied "Do you hear yourself? You want someone to be unhappy with you?"
Wow. You just blew my mind and gave me the closure I needed. Up to this point I was blaming myself and being extra hard on myself.
I appreciate more videos on the coverts! I would add that instead of rage he was extremely passive aggressive, that was the only way he knew how to show anger. Usually making me late, hiding keys, claiming he forgot something he had been reminded of several times. Also porn addiction and no sense of humor. Great video!
Ok, you just gave me a great idea for a video! Weird habits (or characteristics) of the covert narcissist! Porn addiction and no sense of humor are big. They also tend to keep family at arm's length and have at least one person or thing they'll always idealize (e.g. God or a friend). I'm going to dig for some more ideas and film this one after the current series is out. Thanks for the inspiration! ❤🙏
Common Ego The odd thing I discovered about the narc after I married him is that he preferred self sex!! He actually preferred it!! We have a celibate marriage!!! I’m too old to leave & start over!
@@artgirl7480 That's not even weird for a narcissist! It's usually related to porn addiction. In extremes, they can get to the point where they prefer self stimulation. I mentioned this in a roundabout way in the new video that just went live. Would love feedback from you both there! ❤🙏
Were we dating the same person! ..lol😄
@@CommonEgo you should put it out as a question for survivors.
I could add a few things to the 'HOW WEIRD WAS YOUR NARCISSIST' debate.
*Counting emails and texts then texting to say how many there had been that day. And isnt that amazing! What are we 9 years old?
*Over analysing, with Q & A after sex. EVERY TIME.
*Contrived moments of emotion but no seemingly genuine times of enjoyment or happiness or excitement...or sadness. I once called him heartless which resulted in his passive aggressive version of narcissistic injury.
I experienced all of the 11 characteristics, Narcs are con artists. They project to the world that they are amazing people but when they get you alone the crazy making behavior comes out. My boyfriend hides behind being a former pastor which gives him creditability. I fell for him at first. He left ventricle bombed me with gifts, cards, flowers, words of affirmation and more. I thought he was perfect. Then the 11 characteristics came out, the rage attacks, sudden personality shifts, accusing me of things I did not do, calling me names, telling me I’m crazy, he stole from me, lied and more. I was a con job so he would get money and I believe his ex wife was in on it. We broke up about a year ago and he went back to his ex wife. I’m a fraction of the person I used to be. I see humanity in a much darker light and do not trust people like I used to. Now I’m overly cautious and dating is really difficult because I’m afraid I’ll end up with another Narcissistic. This last experience almost destroyed my spirit and life energy. Crazy thing is the general population does not understand Narcissism so people don’t understand the abuse. It’s a lonely experience. Thank you
You are spot on my previous pastor was like this with me. It devastated me especially because he was supposed to be a man of God. Pray to Jesus, He will heal your broken heart. Inbox me on Facebook if you’d like.....it helps to talk to someone who understands because you’re right...most people treat us victims like we’re crazy.
You are not alone. So many can relate. Sending you love and peace. You are actually the wiser one. Trust that.
You are not alone in this. It will take some time to heal and for you to feel like this now, I can relate to that! But I can assure you when the right one comes along, you will be able to feel and trust again! Give it time, to build your self confidence and self love and you will be able to trust again. Wish you all the best of luck..
I totally understand and am going through same....
The difficult thing about cover narcissism is that some of the traits mimic autism. So it can be difficult to tell whether you are dealing with an autistic who has been misunderstood and traumatized by social interactions for most of their life or a covert narcissist. As an autistic person myself I traumabonded with someone I now realize to be a narcissist because their traits mimiced some of mine. Things like lack of object permanence and lack of emotional empathy - those are common among autistic people. It really is important to have the sum of these parts, I found it really helpful to hear about the feeling insecure, gaslighting, future faking and hoovering, to really add up the sum to be sure.
Autistic people lack cognitive empathy, not emotional empathy.
Fellow neurodivergent (adhd/asd) 🙋🏼♀️
I'm only just learning about narcissism and cluster b personality disorders, I'm learning and researching due to a new relationship. It's been so hard for me to distinguish Autistic/adhd traits from narcissism because of how similar they are. I also saw certain traits in my partner and believed their current bpd diagnosis could be a misdiagnosis and they're actually asd (he has distanced himself from the bpd diagnosis and this gave me even more reason to think it may be misdiagnosed).
Also like you, hearing other actions and behaviours helps me see that he is not asd and I'm not narcissistic. It can be so confusing though 🤯
For me, the gaslighting and zero accountability are my clues that narcissism is at play
For me, If the person makes me feel bad is because there's something wrong. Sometimes we wont have the diagnose, but we have the certainty that the person is not a good companion for us in life.
I have an autistic brother and have unfortunately had to deal with abusive narcissists in my life - to me the differences are so vast. Autistic are not abusive, for one - they don't hurt people on purpose and are a lot less self aware when they do. I think it goes down to intentions, and most people can see that autistic people don't have bad intentions if they happen to not give the emotional reaction that the other person is expecting
Wow, my Ex hit all 11! I was in a relationship for 4 years off and on, as you can imagine, with a covert narcissist. He broke up with me 10 months ago stating I was an insecure, crazy woman that just wanted to control him. Yet he was going to give me an opportunity to prove to him that I could love him the way he deserved to be loved. I was devastated and would have done anything to be back with him. So for months and months I tried to "fix" myself so he would accept me. Then something hit me one night during an argument with him and I jumped on youtube to start researching. He had once told me during a converstation with his ex wife that she called him a narcissist. It was a sign, the first video on opened up "fit like a glove." It was exactly what I was experiencing. I even sent him the video. He laughed at me and called me a narcissist. However that was 5 months after the the intentional break up. It has now been 10 months in total and has been an emotional roller coaster. To be honest, it has felt like hell. I'm working so hard to educate myself so I can let go of this monster, but I find myself still getting pulled back in sometimes. This abuse is real and it is damaging. I feel for anyone who has experienced this kind of pain. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through in my 38 years on this earth. I pray I can finally be rid of this man from my life for good and can start to heal. My biggest problem right now is the thought of him falling "in love" with another woman. It tears me heart apart but I'm really trying to work on loving myself. Thank you so much for your videos. You have no idea how they have been the place where I can find some comfort and sanity from this insanity that I was living.
Hi, I suffered in the same way for nine years. Please move on because you can't change them and you won't have a life until you do. Just feel sorry in your heart for the next woman. You are worth so much more and deserve better. These types are just control freaks.
Rebecca Miranda You can only hope he falls for some poor clueless soul so you can be rid of him !
Run go no contact! Save yourself heartache, financial ruin, your health.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was with my ex for 6 years and its so reassuring that what I've gone through others understand. I've felt so alone and ashamed and confused. I've tried to live up to her expectations and be the person I thought I needed to be to love her unconditionally and hold space for her chaos, rage, devaluation and abuse. Now I realise I've been trying to make a relationship work with someone who has no idea how to align with me.
I'm sorry you all had to experience such pain and difficulty. Thank you for sharing
Your story is my story. I am sorry
Hope you’re doing better. My advice is look after yourself, meditate, take baths, read, do yoga, spend time in nature try to nurture yourself and your soul however that feels best for you. Cut contact block his number, unfriend him on social media...if you need contact only agree to email. Don’t try to explain too much or defend yourself as it will always be your fault and everything you say will be used against you. The quicker you do this the quicker you’ll recover. You can do this cutting of cords with love. Hopefully this other lady will see through him quick and fingers crossed he’ll eventually connect the dots and get help x good luck 💗
They blow up quickly about anything.
Or they stonewall because you having an outburst and them just being there gives them power
Yep toilet paper put on wrong, cabinet door left open.
Yup. Mine freaked out on me and started kicking the trash can after I lifted the lid to throw something out instead of using the little foot thing to open it. He was so controlling it was insane.
Yup. My ex flipped his lid because I wasn't chopping the onion correctly. And one time while I was staying over at his house and he was at work, I decided to tidy up his kitchen just to be nice. Didn't say thank you at all. His response was, "I didn't ask you to clean it, so why would I say thank you??"
WhAT.....? The mind of a narcissist. I will never understand.
My ex started a fight with me for wanting to knit. On my off time. In my own home.
I'm with one. She started early on trying to tell me she thought I was a narcissist. I started seeing signs that she was actually the narcissist. She said her ex was labelled as a narc by her therapist and that a common defense among narcissists is to call the other person a narc. It's left me feeling like I might actually be one all these years and worried about it. I'm finally keying into the possibility that SHE is actually the narcissist. It's been a rough go. All I know is she can never apologize or be happy for me. She never tries to be supportive or encouraging for anything I try to accomplish. It wasn't until reading these comments that the fact that she's never looked me in the eye during sex is not right. She gaslighted me last year for 3 months when I suspected she was spending time with another man. I found out I was right AFTER she spent 9 days with me in Florida. I just started seeing these videos today out of the clear blue in my recommendations. This is a sign. I'm sad and disturbed.
He asked me to marry him 3 months into starting the relationship. Love BOMBED me to death. THIS VIDEO IS ON POINT. MY SECOND RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE. THEY ARE VERY SICK HUMAN BEINGS. THE TOXICITY AND STRESS THEY BRING TO YOUR LIFE IS (ABUSIVE ) BUT U OVERLOOK IT, BECAUSE U THEN GET THIS UNNERVING. PLAIN AND SIMPLE EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE. DISTANCE YOURSELF, PRAY WITHOUT CEASING AND MOST OF ALL DISTANCE YOURSELF PLEASE !
June Beasley I’m glad you say pray because otherwise they don’t even see how they are and are the first to call you the narcissist
Amen. I had a constant tightness in my chest from anxiety. I kept telling myself something is wrong and let this girl go. I finally walked away from that bitch, and the tightness went away. Amazing !!I'm happy I made the change. Time to get my life back and be free. Thank you lord Jesus for pulling me out of hell.
These monsters are anything but human, as you described them. They are creatures who have no empathy or remorse and know exactly what they are doing. No excuses for them.
It's sad when the narc has a child. They begin to act just like them. Growing into a demon without morals.😢
This is the best covert narcissist video I’ve seen. Thank you so much for sharing this.
this should be part of a school curriculum …...I gotta admit that I never thought there are people out there who are born narcissistic , cover or otherwise.
They learn it. It's something that they lacked from loved ones that stopped emotional maturity.
I've tried giving my husband examples of how he would feel or a time when he has felt the way he is making me feel. Until recently, I believed I was getting through to him. Then I overheard him tell his daughter to just apologize to her biological mother and that it didn't matter if she meant it or not. He literally told her that apologizing would get her mom to leave her alone and that's all that matters. I confronted him on this and his response was that I was being ridiculous. We had gotten into an argument earlier in the week so he was already giving me the cold shoulder but when I confronted him about his comments to his daughter he blew up. I was petty, ridiculous and crazy for thinking he had ever done that to me. I no longer have any doubts that he is a covert narcissist. He fits the description almost 100%
Amazing info. I still have so much to learn and I realize I wasn't ready to date. All those times I thought I was being rejected but I was being protected from narcissists and people with bad intentions for me. I am so grateful for that!
I'd like to share some things real quick based around cheating specifically.
1) Yes, you don't exist when you are not around. They cheat by saying to their affair partner that you have "just grown apart" while you are at home teaching/taking care of the kids and telling them that you love them and they are beautiful nearly every day. Irrelevant to them. Your emotional currency is not valid to them anymore.
2) They gaslight all the damn time and make you question your reality through empty truth. They will say I was at the gym or shopping or whatever...which they were...in addition to screwing their side piece. Makes it hard to catch.
3)Lastly, DON'T HATE THE AFFAIR PARTNER! It doesn't help. Vengeance is futile and the healthiest perspective is to think of them as "next." They are pawns, don't be one. Move on, you're better than this shit.
Thanks. Wish I'd been told this 22 years ago, I was that woman at home with the three little kids. I was too scared to leave, and church counseling told him to stop it and me to forgive and "be a more biblical wife". 🤨
Here we are 22 years later. I've woken up, I'm healing my own issues and ditching baggage, and he as never changed. I don't even care if he's cheated again since then. Just don't know, don't care. I've learned enough now and become strong enough that I know who I am and what I want for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, he is no longer part of that vision. I accept that he is who he is, has no desire or sees no reason to change and work on his own issues, and my acceptance is all he gets. My tolerance and ability to "let things slide" has completely run out. 👍🏻
They create drama around them and then sit back silently sickily grinning watching everything.
it makes them look the sane wise ones as they sit there quietly and are eagerly waiting to be approached for advice.
This achieves their goal by making them feel importantl.
I watched my ex do this a few times.
8 years... within the first few months there were signs.. now that Ive been discarded im educating myself and this video literally checks EVERY single box.
My body and mind are a mess.
She nailed all of it. I’ve got 11 for 11. I love her too. Absolute hell! Been staying no contact after being mercilessly discarded and ghosted. Resisted the hoovers so far but I desperately want to talk to her but know it’s no use
Sean Anderson - Stay strong -get busy, distract yourself- anything!
sorry to hear that.so painfull
You feel a loss and want to know why you were discarded. Its simple you no longer serve the supply they needed....just remember they do not change and they will do it again and to someone else.
Right there with you, bud. I hate this hell I'm living in right now. Two years of everything mentioned in the video then discarded for a guy who is the total opposite of me. I'm sitting here in agony while she's in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship like I never existed.
@@michaelren9837 it will turn out the same way for the new guy, the pattern repeats itself
My ex that I was married to for 34 years was 11 of 11. I left him once and was dragged back in with all the promises. Finally saw a therapist that realized what I was dealing with and got the support I needed to leave with finality. Suffered from PTSD for years -- yes you can have PTSD from emotional abuse.
Yep. Same here. 30 years later and I'm just waking up. Filing for divorce very soon. Suffering from PTSD as well. But I will survive. And I will move on. And I will Thrive..... And he can go fuck himself.😊👍🖕
Yes 15 years later I still have ptsd from the emotional and financial abuse I endured for 6 years. Sometimes it’s dormant but recent new narc (flagged him quickly) triggered all the memories I long locked down. All good again, no contact with the new narc (covert narc).
@@Flutterbyby Good for you! Covert narcs are hard to spot. I'm going to get therapy to undo all the damage because I never ever want to attract one of these demons into my life ever again. I need to be able to spot them a mile away.
I began to wake up after 17 years with my narc wife. Any suggestions about exit plan?
@@santoparfano1910 that totally depends on your situation. If you are financially able to leave then I say run. And don't look back. If there are children involved, obviously put their interests first above all. But if she is violent then you have to be as covert as you can and just get out. You have to go Grey Rock completely if there are not children involved. Says the person who almost made it out before the complete pandemic shut down.😔
My narcissist would never exploid or get angry, he would just shut me off, stop talking to me or just say im done talking about it, he did't care if i was crying. After that he would punish me for a couple of days of ignoring me all together
In my relationship with that person I should’ve noticed it right away bc he didn’t have any real friends and people that knew of him said he was odd. But I thought they were saying that bc he was kind of shy and always doing things for me. So yes all 11 signs he presented at some point. Toward the end just made me feel starved for attention, he would be right beside me but I’d feel like I didn’t exist. This man finally lost his composure bc I confronted him with all his lies and he assaulted me. When I met him I never saw that coming. He looked very harmless, not very physically attractive, quiet and super sweet
Lisa, so true what you said!
I’m sorry that happened to you Lisa. These people are insidious.
This is so true! I can't believe I ignored every possible red flag
This THE BEST video on covert narcissists I've seen yet. I'm a year free from a purely covert narcissist. The fog will lift! Stay free, heal from the abuse and keep going!! This video is PURE golden Ray's of sunshine!!
My experience is they always play the victim. Now when I hear someone say this raises an eyebrow and flag. Relationships, employment, etc. Never ever taking responsibility for their wrongs. Always players can’t stick with one person. Always have a harem garage full of others oh and let’s not forget... chronic liars. Lesson learned hard. Lesson well learned
WOW you hit on all 11!! Took me a little while to understand what was really going on. Once I got online and did research I mentioned there things but didn’t know it was a disorder. Once I educated myself it was crystal clear and I left. She was a covert narcissist. Very very attractive which made it even more difficult to see at first. Thank you for your info! Great video!!
Sadly, a good number of them are very attractive. That's probably a big part of what keeps them going. It's completely effortless for them to get new supply. Glad you found your way out! ❤🙏
Sweet mean cycle, there's always strings attached to gifts.
OMG...YES!!!
Omg yes! He felt like he wasn’t appreciated because he got me gifts and things in the beginning and I always said thank you I was grateful but since I didn’t get him any gifts back he didn’t feel appreciated....
I always told my ex, I’m not for sale. I don’t want gifts, I just want you to be nice to me.
You have literally saved me and hundreds of others with your knowledge. Thank you.
Wow... 11/11... I'm absolutely stunned. If you knew the pain I've been through the past month beating myself up, thinking this was all my fault and feeling like I'm the utmost biggest piece of trash in the world...
Thank you. This gave me the closure I needed for myself. You are awesome
Me too
I hope you’re gone and choose healthy partners now
i hope you’re okay
Thank you everyone. It's been 5 months now since the relationship ended. I'm in a much better place - I don't even miss my ex anymore. I am still a bit jaded. However, I've moved on and have taken control over my life again. :)
All 11 check out. I hope I never see this person again. My healing came when I have completely have forgiven this person of what they done and how they almost destroyed me.
This was soooo great. Very informative! “Object Constancy” is Huge!! I don’t hear many ppl break down this subject.
You have given most accurate description of a covert narcissist..
Narcissist rage eyes are scary but that’s how I finally saw the mask fall off
@Jon Smith Yeah you’re right that’s so true
Same.
Dude seriouslyyyyyyy!! The rage eyes made me think omg he's gonna die of a heart attack by his own fault
@@ezpz868 I thought mine would kill/hurt me 😅 now I just know how to verbally navigate carefully to still stand my ground and not have to see those eyes. Lol
What I saw was the eyes of a predator. They looked so hungry. I had never heard of a narcissist. In hindsight I feel so stupid for sticking around
I have kind of a strange one. I'm in a relationship with someone that I suspect is a covert narcissist. What is strange about the feelings and empathy is...he cries easily watching a movie or any other emotional show on TV, but he shows no empathy if I am in physical pain or emotional pain. He can seriously turn his back on me if I am upset and crying trying to talk to him and just go to sleep and sleep all night like a baby. When I am in physical pain or have an upsetting event like one time my tooth broke out in an area that was visible and i was so embarrassed and upset. He barely even responds to it. Often when i talk to him, he acts like he doesn't hear me...even if he's sitting right beside me, he just sits in stony silence and i have to ask him if he heard me. Then when he says he did, I say, why didn't you act like you did. He'll say, I didn't know what to say...i feel like I'm crazy for feeling like I have to explain that usually just a mmm...or looking at the person is an expected response.
He sounds terrible. Leave him asap. I'm sorry you're dealing w that
That’s awful, you don’t deserve that kind of shit treatment.
My partner is like this (especially feeling emotions for TV and inanimate objects but not me) and he is diagnosed Autistic. Life got easier post diagnosis. I'm not diagnosing your partner! It's just something you might want to look into/seek. Whatever that behaviour is the result of, it is VERY difficult to exist with. Loves to you x
Been in a similar situation to exactly this. Get out of it
It could be dissociation, but after watching this video I'm worried about my situation myself.
Ever take notice how empty and boring most Narcs are? This is especially true with a covert female Narc!
Very boring and self absorbed
Moreover, have you ever noticed how self absorption and self awareness in a person are traits which always seem to exist in inverse proportion to one another?
The most boring nothing deep about them. Generic conversations are constant.
i suspect my ex was a narcissist and he was very interesting and smart. i enjoyed talking to him. he left me because of my bpd and i havent been able to get over him hoping we can work things out soon.
@@exovit6348 they feel bored because they are empty and unable to create a sense of their own worth...dump him ...not worth it a complete loser...move on
I never felt insecure when I was with him. He always made me feel wanted when we were together.
It was when we weren't together. I felt like I wasn't wanted. Felt like I was begging for time and attention.
He was very good at apologizing. There have been several times things haven't made sense, and I just dismissed them.
But he made a promise recently of sending,me flowers on Valentine's but only put in the order the day before. Says the florist called him back and said he would have had to have ordered those by Wednesday. So I asked him if he reschedule for another day and he just said I'd have to wait and see. Well it's two weeks past Valentine's and still nothing. I think I've neglected to mention I have not gotten one but bouquet of flowers a card or anything in over 5 years. So I was really super excited and thought it was a positive thing. But my balloon with soon burst.
Then I think the final straw was when he told me does day starts out crazy first thing in the morning and that's usually when we try to talk. So basically you tells me that he was making a sacrifice to take the time to call me when he could be doing other things.
I really had to step back and think and open my eyes . I began to think about all the red flags that I just dismissed because this was something I really wanted. this person was the love of my life and he came back into my life. I didn't realize you came back into my life to destroy me. to leave me with nothing less than a shell of my former self.
The love bombing stage hit me hard. I was so drawn to him for reasons I may never know, and he knew that. He knew all about my dreams and desires (travel, have a family, live on a farm, etc
) and he promised me everything. His actions never aligned with his words. It was months of him chasing (we live in different states) until we finally had just a few dates. He would say that if we lived in the same state we would be married already but never fully committed and continued to play victim of his trauma with his ex for the reasons behind his issues. I was always confused by the "push/pull" "hot & cold" behavior. He eventually became distant and ghosted me for a bit only to reappear and explain he tried commiting suicide and was dealing with mental health issues. I, like the empath I am, tried to be there for him and dismiss his treatment towards me. He eventually discarded me again and started dating other people but was still contacting me with things that "reminded him of me" but when I would start to do the same he would pull away and say he can't lead me on. We stayed in contact for a bit but he went on to call me crazy for " being in love and obsessed with someone I barely know" when I never even told him I loved him and was simply meeting the energy he would give me at times. I was constantly questioning my sanity and wondering if I was abusive or toxic. He eventually completely discarded me because he said he can't do long-distance. I may never know if he is a true narcissist but I do know I need much healing while I try to clear these cob webs of confusion he spun in my head for too long. I wish everyone great healing and love.
❤🩹
That look in their eyes .. perhaps is one of the first signs ..
Thank you for the lessons !
You just know something is a little off! Those of us who have been through this have learned the hard way not to ignore it 😔❤
@@CommonEgo This is so true ..
In my case beleive me in the very first year of this 7-years relationship I wanted to run ! BUT.. because she was my first love when we were at the age 12-16 something that had not a happy end .. I said to myself this time '' try hard ..try hard.. maybe I am not doing something well or maybe I am wrong etc .. to make her to have 'the' behaviours .." and little by little I went to the downhill ..
Now .. thanks to all of you our mentors on the youtube , day by day I open my eyes more .. and maybe I am learning to love and let go .. instead of to hate and let go
@@safourasalami
Yes, good statement. love and let go, not hate and let go for yourself and peace of mind. They have an addiction that they're not admitting to, let alone change.
Yes the eye gives them away.
@@safourasalami Very deserving of 💯+ "likes" & "replies"....(speaking of your first comment here in thread; not the 2nd one)
The covert narcissist I encountered for 18 years meets the entire criteria of the 11 you listed as a covert narcissist. He was my best friend for 7 years, then we got involved, and then was gaslit and love bombed for the next 11.
I’m blessed you brought awareness by making this video. Now I can heal and move forward. Thank you.
Just Simply Simone,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist ...
@@jamesarmstrong4179 never
@@simone7104 Ok dear.I am James from USA.You?
@@simone7104 Which country are you from?
Wow, the lack of object permanence makes so much sense in so many situations/relationships I’ve dealt with.
In one case, I’d travel frequently for work and always had this weird underlying feeling. I later found out that partner was up to no good, in some form, most times I was away. It really triggered him.
In other cases, I’ve been pursued by guys who claim to be happy in their relationship and it’s usually when the partner is not around (at work, on study trips, etc). It’s like they resent their partner for being away, even though they are working/studying etc.
Selfish toddlers!
Ugh. I’m so done with these worms, but somehow they find a way to squirm into your life. At least now I’m better at stomping it out as soon as I get a whiff of narc stench. Pass the repellent spray.
wow.. when you talked about how they will be dismissive of you needing emotional support because they are busy with something like watching tv...I had been bawling my eyes out about something and the covert narcissist got mad at me because he was playing video games...that use to happen all the time.
The bible talks of this I would give you a heart of flesh not of stone. The emotional abusive person cannot feel what others feel because they have a heart of stone.
meg nemo AMEN
The bible also talks about hearts becoming cold /hardened in the last days
Alexander Stevens truth mine was so heartless n hateful yes I agree the state of the world I was a bit excited to watch because I know Jesus Christ is coming
@@user-2911 Jesus isnt coming in peace this time either, cant wait til this world is rid of evil. Its a spiritual battle so im doing my best not to hold hate for people who've done me wrong.
I didn't know about that 11th thing but it makes perfect sense. My narc ex, when she discarded me the first time, she had gone to visit her mother out of the country. When she left I dropped her off at the airport and she was so affectionate. She said, "I miss you already", "I don't know what I'm going to do a whole week without you ". When she came back, she was a totally different person. It's like they kidnapped my girlfriend and replaced her with an evil twin. She said she didn't love me, didn't want to be with me because when she was with her mom she didn't miss me, she said she didn't even think about me. This was as drastic a difference as you can get from the person she was before the trip. Anyhow, thanks for the great video. Further confirms that I 100% was dealing with a covert narcissist. She had all 11 traits you described.
Thank you for your talks! I would really appreciate it if you put the headline items for your list in the description as well, this would help me as a memory tweak after listening to your talk. For others like me, here's the list:
1. Intense Soulmate Connection (may have said "I Love You" first, but this is not definitive)
2. Something Felt Off (gut feeling / look in their eyes / odd reactions, etc)
3. Cognitive Dissonance in the relationship (actions / words don't meet up)
4. Intense Need to Win (false apologies if at all)
5. Justifying Bad Behaviour (did something bad but "had no choice")
6. Insecure Feelings (start to pick you apart / highlight all your flaws)
7. Disproportionate Rage or Anger (blow up unexpectedly)
8. Gaslighting (often around cheating, but not always)
9. Lack of Empathy (but may have ability to fake it)
10. Lack of Whole Object Relations (say things you wouldn't normally say when "in the moment"/hates you during the argument, loves you afterwards.)
11. Insecurity when Apart / Object Constancy (doesn't think about you when you're not around / outta sight outta mind)