25 Signs of Covert Narcissism
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- Опубликовано: 16 июн 2024
- Do you suspect you're involved with a covert narcissist? You might be surprised at how similar this personality type is. I was sure surprised when I was coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship and learning everything I could about covert narcissism. In this video, I share everything I wish I knew then with 25 signs of covert narcissism.
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*In this video, I share the tips, techniques and insights that have worked for me in my own journey of healing after narcissistic abuse along with expert tips and tools I've learned through years of coaching narcissistic abuse survivors. I am not a therapist and this video is not meant to provide therapy of any form. #narcissist #covertnarcissist
covert narcissist causes anxiety in you everytime u with them. that's how i felt personality
Your probably an empath. I always get sick (literally) when around narcisst and toxic people. Just had it happen again. Ive got to.learn to have healthy boundaries
@@unknown-lf6zx At least you know, I guess? I just don't feel like I can relax and be open emotionally because somebody doesn't feel 'safe'.
Yep, every time my mom come to visit, ew.
My ex
It sounds like my roommate
I was playing dominoes with him last night and he ended up making the game not fun I felt anxiety growing in me and I just got up and went to my room and of course shut the door 😑
Them creating an argument when you’re venting about your personal pain is one of their sickest traits.
or they just ignore you. Demeaning and disregarding. they ignore it when you are wound up because they have baited you. They are utterly disgusting these people. both my parents and both siblings. Only managed to go no contact a few months ago. I am 59.
'You haven't had it half as bad as I have!'
my ex loves this game. my own fault was that i told her early on that i was high sensitive and that i needed my time sometimes. after that, it felt like everything in my life was invaded.
Or maybe you're just whining
Absolutely!!!! Like the time I told the CovNarc that I was super freaked out about being pregnant and becoming a Mom and they started yelling at me and recriminations me..."what are you gonna do when the baby comes"...me crying..."you need to get your shit together"....me, what?.....I need to go to sleep, I can't talk anymore about this anymore". My body new in that moment 16 years ago that it was over. I wish I had been more brave then. Older wiser Be brave listen to the body. It NEVER lies. ❤🙏🤲
"It leaves you thinking something is missing."
Like a soul.
Oh, they have a soul, even if it is empty and eternally damned.
They are assouls. 🤣🤣🤣
their souls akin to "voids"
Yep. They don't have a soul.
They believe their souls going to heaven yet don't follow bible teachings, (I'm not religious but Def. Spiritual, I hope for more that's better than this world can be but no religious per se) they pray, yet if you say what the bible says they say stuff like yeah BUT that's not now is it!
It took me 64 years and finally I got tired of APOLOGIZING-for nothing!! No more!!!!
Dam
Damn, Carol, 64 years :( but it's better late than never. I wish you all the best, God bless you.
I can relate !
Living well is the best revenge. Join a travel group or what ever your interest is. Group trips are reasonable and fun. All the best. 🙏💓🌹
Lol this is trolling?
Covert narcissists also like to humiliate you without you realising it.
I talked about something like that in today's video that'll be live at 4:45 CST
@@CommonEgo my covert ex who I worked with persuaded me to do work that I was overqualified for because (I realised in hindsight) he was jealous of my teaching qualifications (whereas he didn’t have any qualifications, he was just a good salesman- all that great future faking) . I realised by doing tasks that were basic in his presence and other coworkers was a form of humiliation. Thanks for your content btw, your videos have really helped educate me especially regarding the covert narcissist.
@@silvera4352 my ex became so angry with me once when we were discussing future career plans (we were in college together on the same degree path.) He became angry with me for not agreeing to pursue a lesser paying job that I was also uninterested in. He tried telling me I needed to do it because it would be “easier on” me to do the lower paying job. At the time his anger was shocking and he refused to talk to me for the rest of the night. I realize now that he probably felt threatened that I was going to continue my education, had higher ambitions and was willing to make decisions independently of him. He was very competitive and would undermine me in study groups and try to make me look stupid for not knowing something, like in a language class where he had (re)taken a semester and the material was not new to him like it was to me. He would say things like “I can’t believe you don’t know this!” or would stare at me like I was an idiot in front of others.
@@erose3144 your ex sounds like such an insecure idiot. That's the sad thing with a covert narcissist "relationship"- you're not in a relationship with them, you're in a competition. Life is way too short to get dragged down by someone who makes you responsible for their hang-ups. Hope you're doing better these days.
@@silvera4352 I am! I am doing much better. I hope that you are doing well too! It takes a long time to recover yourself after dealing with a narcissist
Honestly it’s a feeling in you gut, an instinct!! It tells you “something “ is wrong!!! Trust it
Facts !
I didn’t see it until it happened
We tend to give them benefits of a doubt too many times.
Literally. This man has sent me so much money bought me a iPhone 14pro max did anything I wanted but so many passive aggressive and sneaky behavior.
No matter how well he treated me … my spirit literally rejected him so hard I couldn’t explain it because no one has ever made me feel like that without doing something to me. I literally just had to call him out and get away from him.
Thank the Lord for that, do not give an inch to him, he will try to come back.
If I had known, or 23:56 some one in his family should have told me, warned me at least.
If a group of people are connecting and having good banter and belly laughs...the Covert Narcissist is standing on the sidelines, arms crossed, just watching - with that constipated look on their face.
THEY DESPISE TRUE JOY.
Or that they are not the center of the attention.
Bang on!
EXACTLY!
That is so true. Whenever my narc father would hear my mother and I having a laugh, he would tell us to stop laughing and be quiet.
Daaaamn had a flashback of the narc standing like this when I was laughing with the people around us 🤯🤦🏻♀️
7:28 They’re hypersensitive and insensitive at the same time.
Right on
So true!
I have wondered is it hypersensitivity or reactiveness ?
Yes. Sensitive when it's them that's being hurt, insensitive when they want to hurt others.
@@silentgrove7670 probably both - i have seen people diagnosed with 'extreme anxiety' that i know for a fact are covert, toxic, cluster b types -- they use their hypersensitivity as a buffer and a shield from criticism, but will allow no such buffer or boundary for anyone else's feelings. Pure selfishness. If they're one way in public and another way in private, they obviously know the behaviour would be frowned upon by the general public. They might not have alot of self-awareness but they do know right from wrong, which is why they can't use this disorder as a legal defense - they know they hurt people - they might not understand why they do it, but they know it's wrong if they hide it.
They hate emotional intimacy. They hate physical intimacy if it's emotionally charged. They love sex without the connection. Its just a show.
This is so true.
I find they like one sided fake intimacy.. like this guy lately, he loved me spilling my guts, crying, opening up etc, but then I realized he loved the drama and used my insecurities and pain to throw back at me. Then again, that's not real intimacy, he didn't care about my hobbies and interests and what made me 'me' and he didn't share much either unless it was to brag... Then I realized, they don't get intimate or let their guard down because they have no real character or personality and in intimacy, we see the real person.. that's probably why they are repelled from intimacy.
True intimacy requires honesty, laid bare and open, true character and so on..
Just a guess. It's just how I feel about the subject, it's how it seems to me.
@@jenniferhanson6467 I so agree.They are literally disgusted by emotions..Imagine that from a human we're supposed to have emotions...They actually think we're the disordered ones..
This explains my current partner…not emotionally available, he loves sex….hence he’s in the swing lifestyle. I’ve finally connected the dots and ACCEPTED IT after 2 years. I’m in the process of getting out of it….and moving home. This experience has cost me so much money and did damage to me, but I’ve learned and grown stronger from it. I hope others learn and get out of their situation. ❤️🙏
Exactly
1. Passive aggressive
2. Plays the blame game
3. Especially argumentative
4. Threatened by confidence
5. Never happy
6. Hypersensitive
7. Dismissive
8. Judgemental
9. Overly entitled
10. Entitled yet introverted
11. Condescending and superior
12. Idealize & devalue
13. Different public image
14. Gaslighting
15. Very cynical
16. Victim mentality
17. Everything is about them
18. Exploit vulnerabilities
19. Downplaying anger
20. Smear campaign
21. Vengeful
22. Triangulation
23. ??????
24. Avoids responsibility
25. Not the narcissism you know
I guess we could put lack of empathy in there since it’s missing
24 out of 25 lol no contact time
i wonder if we can self diagnose ourselves? it seems I have many of these traits... :(
@@vintagelove2373 -- If you are wondering about yourself, then you are NOT a narcissist. A narcissist doesn't try to ponder these things. They are mostly clueless.
Give yourself a major break, sweetheart !!
Wow, Mom got a perfect score; lucky me. 😫😫😫 Thank you for writing it all out.
They are never happy or satisfied 🎯
the appreciation shown to me always was hollow inside and surrounded by digs and subtle disruptive body language and temper tantrums, always leaving me feel empty and useless.
Never
No. I realize that now 😞😢
NEVER. It’s insane.
My ex husband's job fired him because they just couldn't make him happy🤣he was very skilled at his job, BUT he was just too miserable to keep on
"They invite you to the party so you can see them ignoring you." When we act as though it is not bothering us they step up their silent treatment or snide remarks.
I feel you! So true
Oh wow 🤯
Absolutely!
They are like vampires
True
I blocked my suspected narcissist ex. Even if he isn’t a narcissist, he’s brought me nothing but confusion, anxiety and unhappiness. He came back too see how I was doing a few days ago. It’s funny how he pretends to care about me 3 months after I went no contact. He was just pissed that I was finally getting away and I was on my road to happiness. He wanted one last attempt to keep me close enough so that he can leech off of me but I’m stronger now.
@The Honest TruthI really don’t even know how to explain it. I just never knew where I stood with him. One minute he was really interested, the next he wasn’t. I would try and confront him about things and he’d always get mad or pissed off no matter how nicely and politely I tried to put it. Felt like nothing I could do was ever enough. Some of the things he would say, I would take it the wrong way and instead of apologising he would say that it’s my fault for interpreting it the wrong way.
Good for you don't forget how he made you feel!
I felt this!! Every single word. Couldn't have said it better.
Sounds like a narcissist, well done for being do strong
i had the same, i was together, she went away, i was getting better, then she came back, and i started to crash again.
when my mother died in february, she ghosted me again, 'you have to be happy first by yourself" , again she came back, bashed me again, because i was sad again after 2-3 months about my mother, ...are you still not over that??
so i dumped her, she needs my shoulder to talk to wen needed, but ohhh when i sit on something 'thats not done'
I think when you’ve been under a covert narcissist for so long, when you watch a video like this, you question if YOU are the covert narcissist. This is how deep they can infiltrate your perception of yourself. I’m thinking maybe *I* am the problem, maybe I am the one that’s screwing it all up. I really appreciate that she says that we all do a few of these things but it doesn’t make you a narcissist. So much of these videos are helping me get the courage to leave
I AM Questioning If I'm The Narcissist! I'm So Confused! 🤷
Yes, I am starting to fear that I might be displaying some of these signs. Also trying to build up the courage to leave.
Tammy Anne look up narcissistic fleas .
@@theauthenticselfas someone who is 5 months of healing after going total no contact, after a 3 month dragged out discard (my ex was that cruel) I questioned the same. My therapist said something that helped me. She said there is a difference between human nature vs human behavior. We are all human and have been guilty of some of these, the difference here is 1) intention and 2) patterns. I hope this helps give you some clarity. I questioned it so much the first few months of going no contact but another rule of thumb is if you’re asking yourself if you’re the narcissist then chances are you aren’t. So while I may have displayed one of these one time, it wasn’t a pattern. In fact it was out of character for me. Also, if you feel guilt and shame for how you behaved or reacted in the relationship then you’re probably not a narcissist. I got into therapy because of all the guilt and shame that was consuming me. I was in flight or fight mode for MONTHS. If you’re the one seeking help, seeking to understand, questioning yourself, feeling remorse - then it’s very unlikely you’re the narcissist. Sadly, questioning oneself is a result of being abused. If there’s one thing I wish I could shout to the world as I’m on this healing journey, to those in it or just coming out (first 8 weeks are brutal), please don’t blame yourself or question yourself. I promise as the months pass, it goes away and you really do get better and overcome it. Keep working on yourself, do therapy, and keep healing. Eventually, the fog completely dissipates and you will see clearly that ITS NOT YOUR FAULT and YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Covert narcissists are good at making people or their victims question and blame themselves. Don’t give them that power. I’ve been there and still find myself there some days (like once or twice a month now - healing from this takes time so be patient with yourself). I’m going into 6 months and I can finally say I feel like I’m out of that darkness. It’s not you. It’s not your fault. You are human and reacted to their abuse but just because you had a bad day doesn’t make you a bad human. Whereas coverts, it’s a repeated pattern. They keep causing harm intentionally over and over and over. That’s the difference.
It happened the same to me but I watched once a person was saying that if you're questioning if you are the covert narcissist the probability is that you aren't bc you have self-awareness and narcissists don't have it.
Underplaying your achievements is a big one , while they expect you to praise them excessively if they achieve something
It is very interesting that narcs tend to say a lot that people envy them when they are the ones that envy everyone. There is a saying that says "What people always brag about, it is what they less have".
At 70 years of age, my dad said I was "hopeless" because I wasn't showing interest in his job.
He is a professor in physics.
How much attention does he need?
How many times has he shown interest in my job?
Zero times.
To late in life, I have understood that he has narcissistic traits.
He's probably a covert narcissist. I will never know for sure.
Shit, they need praise for sweeping or taking out the trash they do once a fuckin year and give nothing back verbally for anything we do
@@kimlarsson7259 mine are 80 now and im 56, I went back to school when I was 30 as I'd failed miserably when when I was young but nobody cared to notice. I did really well. My father still likes to laugh about how worried I was going back and still brags about how well other people's kids have done. Mom flat out said it still didn't get me anywhere in a career. They can't take it away from though! 😊
They use reasons like: I’m not very good at expressing myself, I am not an emotional person, I have difficulty expressing myself to mask their lack of empathy. I can see it through now.
THIS.
Most victims of narcissist abuse ends up developing social anxiety which makes them afraid to interact with others by fear of dealing with another narcissist so we need to make sure if people that seems unable to easily interact with others are covert narcissist or just narcissist victims who picked up some narcs traits.
@@rosettesionne9139 true, I've been on the end of all this toxicity and can act very insular
WOW hit the nail on the head for me with this one. When you really need it and they excuse themselves, it's so hurtful and painful ✌
Yep. Alwaze..we just
keep trying 2 help them
GET IT ? We CANT 🤣
1. Passive aggressive
2. Loves to criticize you, after the fact, as devaluation tool
3. Especially argumentative, choosing polarizing topics
4. Feel threatened by confidence. If you feel good, they start acting up.
5. Never happy, find fault in everything
6. Hypersensitive, easily injured and triggered
7. Very dismissive people, they show they don't need you
8. Extremely judgmental, contempt
9. Overly entitled, not doing their fair share
10. introverted, guild tripping for socializing
11. condescending and superior
12. devalue and idealize on repeat
13. different public persona than in private
14. constant gaslighting
15. very cynical, distrusting, lacking in empathy as assume the worst of you
16. victim mentality, openly communicated
17. twist all your problem being about them, e.g. grief or loss triggers argument or they wanting sex
18. exploit your vulnerabilities, use of intimate knowledge against you
19. deny their anger
20. often engage in smear campaigns, sharing private things
21. vengeful
22. triangulation, golden child and scapegoat, use other people against you
24. avoid responsibility, sit on the sidelines
25. narcissism is the last thing you expect
I have found with a narcissist, that the best thing to do when they start putting you down, is to just walk away.
After he went to church, he stopped by my house and said "I see you missed church again today." So I said, "Dad, you need to pay attention to your surroundings. I
haven't been in your church for over 30 years. And then I walked away. He seemed surprised at the fact I didn't respond as I use to. Defending myself...
So he didn't get the reaction he waned.
So I find the best thing to do is just smile and walk away because they don't llike it. But the consequences to that was how he smeared my name. But I have enough experience and knowledge that I knew what that was all about and I do not let it get to me as much as I used too. Just remind myself he has a mental illness.
One of the worst side effects of narcissistic abuse is the loss of trauma response. People easily pick up on you being a push over causing more injuries and loss because you’ve lost the mental ability to defend yourself. And, you typically won’t know better to walk away from other abusive people.
@Albert Boyle IV so true. Really good post. Exactly what I went through.
My mom, taught me to put up with hers and all other ppl in fam toxicity. My whole life if I've felt angry or hurt by others or something is unfair or unjust I've ruminate and ruminate looking for my part in it and whether it's me who was at fault. That I'm supposed to tolerate and always see the other person's point of view. A life wasted thinking of everyone else and not myself. Nobody is perfect but if im wrong I will apologise or if someone brings something up I can look at it but always having to look right behave right be right think right do right left my head in a spin for 56 years and wanting those same standards from others when they're impossible to live up to and never fully truly being myself. Ppl do pick up on it as if you're weak. I'm not, I was just trained!! Not any more! ✌edit update, one year later..... to all out there, keep doing the work (im going through the worst time in my life with physical illnesses and difficult self righteous doctors), despite how ill I am, I've learnt so much that I'm mentally so much stronger and can see through the bull. Keep peeling back the layers of the onion and find yourself, Slough off their indoctrination and it does work. Believe in yourself. Remember it's not you, you have worth. When you've grown up within these systems it seems impossible but the healing does start and gets better each day. Don't be downhearted it's hard work and 2 steps forwards and 1 backwards but it's a journey worth doing. Channels I've found best are common ego tamie m joyce and especially dr. Carter all for healing from the multiple shocks and traumas that go on for decades. I've seen 70 and 80 years do this journey and it's inspiring. It's never too late to be YOU ✌
Wowwww. 🧐🤷♀️🥺
That's the story of my life 😢
I'm learning at 28 how to defend, stand up, speak up and stick up for myself.
It's difficult as hell but it's worth it.
@@bereal6590work on psychic shielding and grounding. Building up your energy.
You must build up your defenses, not to do so is self abuse.
You can do it when you realize you must. Best wishes 💪
The best thing we can do is stop automatically giving people the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, we're conditioned to do this since we know no one is perfect. However, all narcissists and toxic people NEVER deserve such respect.
My thoughts exactly. I give people to much chances than they deserve. Because my narcissist Always told me that it wasn't nice x out people from my life just because they stole or disrespected me. People deserve a second chance and third one to.
@@evelove6724 Sister, your narcissist sounds like the guy I used to associate with. He and I grew up together. Having grown up deeply religious, I ALWAYS believed it was right for me to ignore the unsavory things about him and since I was ignorant of narcissistic personality disorder, I never questioned the matters with him deeper. I knew he didn't like his mother, which I now know is a glaring red flag for NPD.
Thankfully, I woke up through a trying circumstance and cut him off like the dirt that drops from my fundament. Stay strong, Eve.
Yup.
@@e.a.jeanson2772Yes I will stay strong .. thank you .
I was taught to do this from birth, basically they can do whatever and I have to be understanding! Amazing how they do this. Even now my mom now 80 can complain about anyone she wants yet if I am upset with someone, it's you're too judgemental, you just hate x or y or z person or even group! You need to be more understanding of others! YET it's not true im just upset in the moment over someone's behaviours and she does this in a very passive aggressive judgemental way whenever she wants to. It's unbelievable! Turned me into a jellyfish and her into a know it all! This happens even if it's the same person we have a problem with!
Been dealing with them my whole life . Being an empath these people tend to seek me out 🤦♀️ in my family I am the scapegoat . I'm ready for a new path I deserve to be happy and live my life without all of the stress. I pray I get out soon 🙏 ✨️✨️🙌🦁
You NEVER ESCAPE the only person who is partly responsible for their Continued Barrage of OBliteration. You. This isn't a passive path. We all wish it was a casual path to healing.
Know the feeling all to well. A friend pointed out to me about 1 1/2 years ago that I may have been an empath. Did my research and it was like bingo🎉💡. It explained soooooooooo much about why I just wanted peace but would get slammed by a arrogant narc. Took me a while to work that out a number of years ago. Then the two personalities collide. I have little tolerance and being in a relationship for over 27 years is sad. The moment they dump you. Being the main bread winner and obviously main sucker , this was quite a nut punch . The emotional roller coaster of gaslighting bs is just so ridiculously childish . I hope to find someone I can actually openly discuss life with and enjoy without the “ talk to the hand “ garbage when issue need to be spoken about. More I can say but for now , just looking to move on since it seems to be the same heartless and emotionless act.
I just wanted peace
but
would get slammed
😅by a arrogant narc.
😮 wow
Just
O
So
Relatable 😂😢
Wow, am I reading about myself!! . I am an empath. And scapegoat in the family. Ira hard enough have that role In the family narcissistic people can smell you out. Sorry you have endured so much pain.
Narc's are NEVER wrong!!! They think they are always right!!! Lack of ACCOUNTABILITY!!!A four year old in grown-ups body. EXHAUSTING.....😤😤
Bit harsh on a 4 year old don't you think ? Lol.
At least with a child you can understand it and half expect it. They're learning and we teach them.
As a grown ass adult, there really is no excuse
I didn't know that they were unhappy people. They always fooled me that they were happy and living the perfect life for them.
They be so good at faking smiles and happiness. Shit weird
Just want to send out all the love to all survivors, but especially those who got trapped for years and years. I'm so glad you're out and were able to take your life back. Wishing you all the healing in the world
Thank you for your kind words. I was 20 years in; I’m 2 years out. I just broke the trauma bond and I’m starting the healing process.
Not out yet
Thank you ✨️
Got out 6 years ago after a long 27 years… now have acquired a narc in-law who is schooling me yet again on how to deal w these soul-suckers
@@sue-annericher2936 finally freeing myself
I was in one of these relationships. 4 weeks out of it. I'm still upset. The good times were great, the bad times were terrible.
So insulting and SOO unpredictable got sick of the weird twilight zone
You speak truth.
Number 21 : "they have people on their side" known as 'flying monkeys'.
Oh yes very true
The never happy thing is so true. It's one of the things that makes me glad I was discarded. She was always complaining about something, and always found a way to bring down the mood no matter what we were doing.
yap. same here. I didn't understand how come we are traveling in the most wonderful places - and he is miserable and complaining...
What about their hypocrisy and double standards?
It’s unbelievable that they don’t see a problem with it
Became upset I was talking to other guys before we were officially dating, shamed me for it and was so cross with me that i apologized. Turns out he lied about talking to others despite telling me he wasn't and shamed me. He had multiple dates planned... Shamed me for a work collegue I used to be friends with and messed around with but parted ways with years before but he had his still in contact with... Called me out of my name, put me down out of nowhere. Yeah... F$ck these contemptuous self rightious freaks.
What about it? It's a fact of their life. You have to accept it and walk away; it is in all things useless to try to get them to see it. Hope that didn't sound critical or condescending; my disdain is only for the narc. But it's true. They'll only use it as ammo, because you're doubting their superiority and "implying" they're imperfect, broken, wrong. They never tire of the fight; they are defending their LIFE AND BEING, and they thrive on the negativity. It's a waste of your energy, better invested in things that are more mutually and personally fruitful. One of the first flags to me was that they have one set of rules for others, which allows folks nothing, and a completely opposite set of rules for themselves, which allows themselves everything. At your expense.
A ton of good points in this "Stop Defending Yourself To The Narcissist" (they are the embodiment of defensiveness) ruclips.net/video/Yf_QwuTB9HY/видео.html
The absolute most frustrating part of it for me. I always said, if she held herself to the same standard she held me and others to, she would have a revelation.
I have just got out of a relationship with a Covert Narcissist, it is crazy hard work becomes abusive. They are very subtle.
Me too hunni, stay.strong ♥️
@@TheCatwoman2005 Thank you Catwoman2005 from another Catwoman100 at the other side of the world. How strange is that! Good luck to you and us Catwomen will always be strong ! Take Care. :)
I felt with a COVERT narrsissist for a VERY long time..I could write a book..the only thing I know for sure..is we DON'T have the same circle of friends.. He's done the ghosting think many.. many times..he's doing it a we speak.. LOL.. but I didn't care.. I've been healing for a very long time so I'm good..I did notice EVERY single time I needed him he was NEVER available..I'm 99% sure that he is.. your video is right on point..thank you 💜💚💙😄
That's true
COVERT = hidden
Why is it important to find out if you are in a relationship with one?
Because they can not easily change, and it is impossible to change them. So you will end upbanging your head against the wall, spending all of your effort/time, and it will go nowhere.
1.
You won’t believe their secret lives. These people are demons.
This scares me
The most funny thing is that most narcissists think the other one is a narcissist and look up video's to validate that point :)
The guy I married 34 yrs ago is covert narcissist I realized it 4 yrs ago in March he has every warning sign but I was clueless I had no idea why he was so mean to me I’d say why are u so mean he’d reply I was the mean one, he controlled everything, I chalked it up it’s who he is, he had secret life style of prostitutes escorts strippers even when we were dating, he wouldn’t allow us to share bank accounts, I found statements going back 10 years 100,000 he withdrew those years, apparently spent on whores and hidden savings account which I paid to find them , stupid lawyers wouldn’t press on it. Annoying ... and everything was my fault, funny in my 1985 memories book I wrote all we do is argue that never changed bc I was stupid or I didn’t know what I was talking bout , the constant gaslighting which I never heard of until learning he is NPD he lied in sex profiles I found telling women he divorced when he wasn’t.
That’s for sure. Shocking and appalling....
They do seem to prefer talking to 'em rather than people.
Narcissist are simply demons. I’m so embarrassed I’m just learning about this topic. Time to get outta this marriage!!
Very difficult to get out if you've got children. The crazy is so subtle and seems designed to drive you to escape at which point the narc then gets to be the victim whose ungrateful spouse just up and left him.. but alas he'll just shoulder his burden and carry on like the good soldier - and the whole world rallies round him, holding the sanity-seeker in contempt... because there are no visible signs of dysfunction or abuse.
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Me too
What is there to be embarrassed about? Be embarrassed if you don't grow from your experience, and you don't use the knowledge on this subject matter to better your life. There is nothing to be ashamed about. The enemy want to make you feel ashamed, but he is a lie. He have no power or authority over you in Jesus name.
@@susielove6012 No. Don't use that as an excuse. Staying with abusers only make it harder on the children. You will be doing them a favor by leaving, and going little to no contact with these individuals. They don't care about anyone or anything. They will and can destroy the people that love them in the process.
@@ladennayoung2939 Yes that is true. But a reasonable person may take years to recognize the abuse for what it is. And if it is not apparent to anyone else,it can seem prudent, sometimes for many years, to just absorb the abuse/crazy until the children have grown and moved on. To not denigrate the other parent as long as that parent is treating the children well, seems the least destructive path for them. It sucks, but divorce when it seems 'out of the blue' causes the kids to lose both parents. I'm not advocating staying. I'm illustrating the cloud of 'wth' that the target lives in which makes recognizing the reality for what it really is, very difficult.
Narcissists must love that there is so many videos being made about them
I have been listening to thousands of hours of covert narcissism but you have really described my husband with some of your examples. I fell down a flight of stairs and had to go to the hospital. Instead of comforting me he was asking me why I did that and how was it possible. He kept telling me how this was all my fault. It was crazy. Thank you for sharing and helping us that are trying to understand. I am happy to say that I have taken steps to leave
Have you left? How did it go? I’m going through the same thing. I’d like to hear your experience.
I fell down the stairs when my husband had freaked out and started arguing with me ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. Then he proceeded to NOT EVEN CHECK TO SEE IF I WAS OK and went out to sleep in his car. All because I accidentally explored doing something sexually that apparently he felt insecure about (because he knew I had done it with his friend who I had dated many many years prior? This came out waaaaay later) I laid down at the bottom of the stairs, my body was fine but my emotions broken beyond explanation
Mine didn't take care of me when I had ( the first round ) COVID. My son and the rest of my family helped me through closed doors. My husband refused to come from Colorado and we live in Texas. My cat never left my side.
Same. I've been with my narc for 7 years and it's honestly so hard to put into words all the things he has done. I had a similar experience to yours where I slipped on steps outside and hit my head on a post and actually knocked myself out. I literally crawled back inside. He got mad because he was sleeping and when I told him what happened he pretty much told me I was stupid and it was my own fault. He will tell people that he's a millionaire because he's a lobster fisherman, yet he's lazy and hardly ever goes while I work 6 days a week and pay almost all the bills. He treats his adult children like garbage because he's jealous of them and it kills me because our 6 year old daughter right now is his golden child and the other 3 are the scapegoats but I know once our daughter gets older and starts to see what her father is he will discard her like he has his older kids.
I'm a recovering addict and was clean for 5 years before we started dating and of course when we first got together I told him about my history of substance abuse. Almost everyday now he throws it in my face and calls me a junkie. I haven't touched a drug in 10 years, not hard drugs or even weed, I don't drink at all either. He is a heavy alcoholic and does recreational hard drugs and has a criminal record a mile long. He also has 4 domestic abuse charges from his previous relationships with his other children's mothers. It's honestly crazy making. The things that come out of his mouth and the things that he does is just insane and the fact that he really thinks it's okay.
When I was robbed and almost strangled being 15 years old, thé only thing that concernéd m'y mother was all her money that got stolen that belonged to her. I never received thé "how are you, m'y Daughter?" My clothes looked like I was severely beaten.
This is my sister 100%. I'm 50 and have just come to this realization. I could have saved myself years of grief if I had known this earlier.
Don’t focus on the lost time. Focus on the time gained.
Same here, I’m 55 it’s only in the last couple of years I come to grips with this. There was always so much of her behaviour towards me that I just couldn’t make sense of, the triangulation with our mother, the lack of empathy which I attributed to years of antidepressants, the way I was never allowed to talk, that was only her prerogative, her confounding passive aggressiveness, her criticism of my character but always couched in ‘because I love and care and worry about you, yet if I have an accident or injury or illness it’s crickets from her and I feel punished and shamed. This has been a dreadful dawning for me recently, the cognitive dissonance astounding. In our family she has always been the good daughter, the deserving one, the needy one, the sick one, the terribly shy sweet introvert that wouldn’t hurt a fly and everyone must support and help and pity her.
In 2019 I started to feel afraid of her and very angry and couldn’t understand why, now the scales fall from my eyes with every interaction and I feel such grief for the sister I’ve longed for and the realisation than for my own sanity I need to keep her at arms length
Same here ❤
How did you deal with this? I'm in the same position with my brother. I've just kept away so far. I feel so isolated though.
Passive aggressive, withholds sex and affection, hyper sensitivity, never apologizes, never says thank you, thinks they are smarter and more creative, dissapears when in public together, very critical, control freaks, disagreeable, devaluating, uses word salad, etc…..
Sounds like my husband
@@jfb8552 I feel for you. I’ve wasted my life with this creep, please don’t do what I did. You’ll never be happy and you will be so angry with yourself !!!! Get up the courage to leave because it only gets worse.
It took me 35 years ! Future faking , always doing everything so he looked good ! I’m free to live my life now 👍😁
Likewise 34 yr marriage 37 yr relationship all lies manufactured future all those years just to learn before I turned 50 he has no plans retirement with me he prefers 20 yr olds gross he’s almost 56 now. No contact 3 yrs now
Honey! You took your freedom 35 years too late. Love thy self 💕
it took me 13 years to figure it out
My ex stop at a new apt complex construction site at night and get me down the car just to step in front to the fence to tell me that he put a deposit in one of the apts. My response was "Ill believe it when I sign the papers" he gave me the look that we all know too well. LOL I was 25 at the time. My mom always teach me to never trust on what men said, only on what they do. Priceless knowledge!
@@reign6409 you sound a little narcissistic yourself. Funny that you’re on this page. 😂
My mom can spend an hour straight just talking about her. I can put down the phone and come back, she's still talking. After all that time, I'm drained. I don't want to talk. Then she wants to start asking me how I am. I can't...
My mom does this to and I don't have to talk or respond and she can go on for hours. Talking about herself and if it's not about her she like sarasticly what's that got to-do with me. Ummm nothing it was funny But ya she didn't get the funny part.
Mine too!!!
Yup. My favorite "so anything new and exciting?" In a condensing tone from my mother after bitch about everyone around her for 20 mins then not listening to yoy
Same...frickn sucks. It's like I have no Mom. She used to be better, but has now taken on bad traits of my narc dad. He ruined her. I hate him
I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU!!!! 😂😂 Damn that narc 😄
Omg this!!!
Exactly, had this crazy argument enough in the past 🙄
Wow ! So true
I dont get it.why they dont realize that they are yelling?
Having repeated this sort of relationship with many people, i realized i was a narcissism magnet & an empath. I have had to really try to trust my instincts, & have healthy boundaries about what & whom i let in. I still slip up a little, yet i never ever ignore what i see & feel anymore! We do have work to do on ourselves, in order to not repeat this pattern of accepting abuse & calling it love.
Make sure to eradicate any M in what could be seen as S&M. Pure empath.s might also be magnets, so they must also be wise. If feel nervous, run !
That's exactly where I am.
I realised it can only be ME. repeating patterns are sent for you to GET THE MESSAGE. If you aren't getting it, then you'll keep doing it until you do.
It's the harshest of realities but a great lesson once you take responsibility for yourself and put the hard work in.
I can sit here and blame my ex till the cows come home, but ultimately, it's me who allowed it. So it's me who has to change it. I'm sure on the road to healing, I'll be sent another, just to see how much I've learned. Setting healthy boundaries is a must.
Good luck in your healing 💙
My ex tries so hard to make me feel like I’m the narcissist and that I am the one who destroys our relationship. Im so happy now to be out of that it’s been a year and a half now.
I feel comforted watching these videos. My narcissist dumped me because he couldn’t handle my feelings he ignored them until they went away and he would be nice again
Valerie Conarroe,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
That's my mom, not remotely interested in my feelings or even my thoughts!✌
@@christianpulisic7784 not anymore!
@@bereal6590 it is really the worst feeling to not be acknowledged by someone you care deeply for.
Ignoring you, that's what they do, yes.
Wow! The love bombing phase was great, the devaluation is brutal! You are hitting every point on this list. You are describing my life over the past 3 years.
Three years is all it took for me. I dumped and ghosted her. Best decision I ever made.
Why won't my son leave person like that!
@@xenonorion8670 does he know what a covert narc is? And that she is one? I had never even heard of the disorder until years after I left my ex gf. She ticked 24 of the 25 boxes of these signs. Also he should know that covert narcs never change. Ever.
It took me 51 yrs. I'm now feeling validated by a community of survivers who understand exactly what I've been through. My eyes are open now, and I don't feel guilty because my parents had an abusive childhood.
It took me over a decade to finally see it in my husband...I truly thought I was losing my mind.
I discovered mine is like that. :(. I don't know what to do :(
@@Sunshine_str Educate yourself with resources like this one. Dr. Ramani Duvursula, Dr. Todd Grande, Dr. Les Carter and Angie Atkinson are some other you can check out, too. The more you know, the less you can be manipulated. Best of luck to you!!!
@@nacarreira777 thank you. I want out, but it's impossible :( I am educating myself. Thank you and good luck to you, too!
@@Sunshine_str I am stuck presently, too. Thanks for the well wishes!
@@nacarreira777 I'm so sorry :( It's hard. Everyone around me thinks I'm so lucky to have him cause he appears very meek and financially generous :/... I hope you can find strength. If you need to talk, let me know.
They are never happy or satisfied, true, but the reason they present themselves as constantly dissatisfied, even when good things happen to them, is because amping up dissatisfaction forces you, or whomever they’re foisting themselves on, to focus all the attention on them. It’s all about attention.
A detail - some people are indeed unluckier in life than others, and despite their best efforts things don't turn out as great as they should. That doesn't make them pathological. What does make people pathological is constantly moaning about their hardships, they play 'poor me'. Decent people don't do that!
decent people get to know a person before they think all the psychology in the world will do it for them.
Been two months now since the discard, and these videos keep me strong. She had a sense of entitlement, lazy and didn't want to do any housework, would not compromise, or meet me half way on anything! Deflected anything, gas lighted me, would not take any ownership or responsibility. Old in her age but so immature and child like. Never had any money, totally self obsessed with her looks, had a closed heart, and no empathy for my feelings. The list goes on, but im still struggling with the split for some strange reason!
glad u got out of this one bro for u own well being n sainty
Your struggling because she programmed you too! It takes time to reroute the brain after such tampering!
I’ve had years of multiple experiences and it’s only now I’m emerging from it! It’s because you did genuinely care! ❤️
Don’t be harsh on yourself! If it was a physical wound ( gunshot) you would understand if it took longer to repair because of infection!
Feel you so much, this is my pain too - the breakup feels wierd, but when I was with her I felt that the give and take was all off, she was totally OCD about her looks and negotiating me into paying for everything while she just bought creams and clothes and got stupid credit card debts. She also was unhappy if I ever had a good time with others, and smeared me with her friends, and triangulated against me with all sorts. When she couldn't do that(e.g. my family members) she then created massive drama and fights with them and insisted I back her on all of them, when I resisted she switched tactics and slowly poisoned me against them. Very intolerant and judgemental, behind closed doors about almost everyone she knew, but particularly people linked to me.
When I tried to break up with her, she was so smug - "you can't, because you love me". I explained that we seemed to have different values, she still didn't believe it. I had to take distance. She was so angry it was shocking.
Yes-my mother and an Ex.At 50 I felt like being dragged 10 times through he'll and back. After understanding it all, I found an amazing healthy partner and I'm so different what I thought I was for all my life.
Trauma bond. It’s amazing how we bow down to them.
Thank you! I personally found the best way to find any narcissist is to ask for empathy.
Brilliant! The only exception is that at the beginning of the relationship, the love-bombing phase, they can fake empathy. After that though, it really isn't worth their time.
True that
When he bought a huge bouquet of flowers for my birthday and my sincere happiness and surprise wasnt enough , because he didnt really care about my birthday, he was talking about himself all day on my birthday and asking "do you like the flowers", "are you sure you like them", " you dont look like you like them", " i can see on your face something is wrong", " you dont have to pretend you like them"...until we had an argument because i said can we please enjoy the rest of the day without questions to which he said "shall i throw them (flowers) in the bin" .....i had to repeat "thank you thank you" and acknowledge his purchase for months after my birthday.... as if he saved my life.... or if there was an argument and i said i didnt feel loved, or cared for, he would say "but do you remember what i bought for your birthday?" He was trying to tell me he did this wow thing - bought flowers - thats his proof for loving me and caring for me ... i feel i am about to snap , it has been 2 years, red flags right at the start, i ignored them all for various reasons, my intuition was screaming this is NO, leave this guy alone, this is not a person for you, but i ignored this too.... i cant wait to snap and end this torture...but until then i am binge watching all these videos, and in the past couple of months i learnt a lot, about myself, and my situation and him, and as much the realisation what i am dealing with, or rather who i am dealing with caused so many tears, and anxiety, it also gave me strength to start planning my exit. Yes i am so scared what happens next, but surely it cant be worse than it is...
Im in same situation planing exit.
I hope you're ok, people!! 😊
They love trying to ruin birthdays and holidays
My ex (we still live together with our daughter) changed the brakes on my truck once in 2015. The same truck he totalled driving drunk w/no license? He did that one time when we first got together. He brings up that one brake change every other argument of proof that he's done so much! 😑
I feel like a narcissist can be condescending when they feel superior because they are older than you, and "know better"
I always suspected that the reason a passive narcissist acted the way they did was purposedly so that they would NOT be called a narcissist. I often thought of the final scene of Psycho when I thought of my covert narc. "There is a fly on the wall, and I won't hurt it, and they'll say:"she's such a nice person, that she wouldn't even hurt a fly"". Anybody else feel this?
This video is amazing! I never knew about Gaslighting! I'm divorcing after 33 years, I am 85. Everything you mention has been done to me. Finally, I was getting physically sick about being beaten, not respected, the person way very educated campared to my education. Just unbelieveable. I would know it now, but never when I was younger.
I hope you will find joy and freedom after these relationships. Bless you!
ann stachniak,You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
Ann stachniak,You deserves better 🙏
Stay strong ❤
😢
I've realised that my flatmate is a covert narcissist when my father died and she stopped talking to me for 6 months. I still have no idea what I did wrong - I suspect I just didn't give her my full attention. I also knew a guy who loved to devalue me by turning it into a joke. I am a happy person by nature (or try to be), but that behavior started to make me feel bad about myself (and doubt myself!) super fast.
Esiaa firstly sorry for the loss of your Dad. Yes your flatmate is a narcissist she stopped talking to you because your grief made you a poor narcissistic supply for her and she lacked the empathy to be a support to you. I once read a great analogy: Narcissists see people in the same way as they see a coffee maker, you are useful to them if you are a source of narcissistic supply (making coffee) but when you break down or are unwell and so no longer a supply you are discarded just a coldly as someone throws a broken coffee maker out. You sound like an empath which is a beautiful thing but it means you will be a magnet for these vile people as they will see your big kind heart and know you will be an excellent supply for them . I have attracted narcissistic people throughout my life and it’s only now in my mid 40’s that I have learned to walk away from anyway who makes me feel bad about myself. Remember narcissistic people are insecure people and stand taller by cutting the heads off of others. Don’t allow anyone to do that to you honey! 🤗🙋🏻
Sorry for your loss and the loss to your family. This happened to me as well. If they think you’ve inherited anything it can change their perception of the balance of power and you might attract a new narcissist but you’ll just as quickly lose an old one (who thinks they’re no longer better than you). What was SO ridiculous about that to me when I really looked at it and finally figured it out was that it wasn’t like having more shit maybe wasn’t already what had made me good association-supply all along. They are SO low.
It’s ultimately your (very) good fortune to be free of them, but not exactly a favor that they blow up the bridge with you on it on their way out. This one just picked a completely radonkalonk issue to feign insult over, so manufactured the devaluation to justify the discard. I think that shit was something like two weeks after saying “you’re very dear to me”, too, lol. I made sure to point that wonky dearness out when I asked how much money the threshold actually was to be better... like just how petty was the perception and was I thought to have exceeded that by multiples or just made the cut.
It pisses me off so badly now that I do understand it but was at the time deeply wounding that someone I trusted would compound my grief into devastation that way when I was trying to figure out how to even grieve what I was yet to learn had been an abusive narcissistic father and already did not have the support of a narcissistic mother who had hopped onto me and back off like a flea around that time as well. My understanding about what she had always really been was only just starting to happen then also. The only other treachery I’d known already that this was lacking was that this was not a coordinated effort between them, because she’d certainly done plenty of those at other times with friends and partners and even a potential business opportunity.
Previously when I looked up martyr complex nothing led me to narcissism (and maybe that was some sort of function of her being covert and my not clicking the link that would have told it), because I definitely had wondered WTF. One of her greatest hits 15 years prior that bitch came to my (vacation rental) house when I’d tried to share my joy with her and do something nice asking her and my grandmother out to the beach…but I never saw her throwing her monumental meltdown tantrum as intended to drive away the person who’d wanted to do something good with me (at least I think so who knows that could’ve been another conjob too, but I was excited about something that she made sure I’ll never know) and it absolutely did.... then of course there were several other similar realizations from my entire lifetime of experience with her right after that.
What I came to realize is it was not about any particular dollar amount or degree of favor as it does not matter if they have actually 100 times more than you THEY WILL STILL ENVY AND WANT TO DESTROY ANY SINGLE THING YOU HAVE THAT THEY DO NOT because they are more depraved than even the biggest imaginable pieces of shit. If you have suspicions about someone it’s best I think to err on the side of caution because the fact is narcissists live in that gray area which is the exception and benefit of doubt.
That's the point. You didn't do anything wrong. When you're dealing with someone that dysfunctional, it's not you That's causing their behavior. THEY are causing their behavior.
You should do a video on how and why these people are rampant in churches or non profit organizations/foundations.
!!! Should. Please. Politics as well!!!
Yes PLEASE
these places r convenient cover-ups for the Mask benevolence. Hypocrites who luv to Act as if ....
Oh yes. Good one
Also doctors surgeons lawyers n police men.
Top 5 careers of a narc including church official.
The narcissist thinks you do these things to them (which you don't) and acts upon this thinking. It's the mind boggling meanness you witness and that gets projected onto you.
I thimk they really believe that what they do to you is because your doing it to them! Its so twisted! Im surprised im not in a psychiatric ward from this relationship!
I think covert narcs aren’t always introverted, they have covert passive aggressive tendencies, but can be more outgoing for increased supply. I think all narcs go through a pendulum of overt and covert tendencies.
Very true. I've seen my Nazi Overt & Covert, criminal* bros. switch Roles! 😱
Both 'Drams Queens' as last ditch efforts, to CONTROL (me further,) the Witness!
Good thing they "$elf-$abotaged" & Burnt* their own Trumb@$$es!
Although, as a widow, with "c-PTSD," now; their "Losing" Mom's Home really HURT$!!
It must've been a NARC WAR of Blaming each other, (& me 😭)!!
Our female, (D) Probate Judge, (who *knows Everything,* & I, presume, / my useless PPO, after the Insurrection; w/ more INFO I couldn't access,* after the Covert's INJURY to me + game of 'Tag-Team' Domestic Terrorism, as well,) will Not be very impressed!
(And, w/ All that I Plan to Request of her Court.)
These $icK "M.F.'ers" MUST be "brought down" from the Grass-roots Up, too!!
They occillate between the 2. It's a behavior not a type of narcissist.
To sum it up, throughout the relationship, you’ll be feeling like tiptoeing or walking on eggshell or stepping into a minefield.
So right. Warning sign #1.
Less than a yr spent together as a couple..I got pregnant by my ex narc bf..he discarded me when our son was 3 months old. Moved out. He began love bombing me..hoovering..guilt tripping me for trying to move on..he broke my heart then, but I'm on the road to healing and now much happier without him. My son is a beautiful happy boy and I know my choice to move on was the best choice for myself and my child's well being. Stay strong and remember you deserve love and respect. You are worthy of happiness and peace. Dont let anyone take that away from you. 🙏❤
I'm so glad you got through that and didn't condemn you and your child to a lifetime of abuse! Now you can raise your baby the way you want to and spare her all that confusion and dysfunction. AND, like you are now, you can be a help to other women who are in such a situation and are confused and hurting and taking on the terrible things the narcissist is planting in their hearts and minds about themselves. You go, girl!
Oops, I called your son "her". Sorry!
Bless you for encouraging others here!
Or when they say something or do something just to provoke a negative response, so they can look like a victim. This has happened to a good friend of mine when dealing with her brother. So sad!
Woah--that's so interesting...And sad. How do people deal with this sort of thing?
@@hannahb5385 compulsive liars do that don't entertain them or give them information. Smile say that's nice leave.
Woahhh true. 🤔 Its like click bait feeling. 😭
My ex used to say something hurtful that he knew I'd react to, then acted like I was horrible for saying anything negative to him.
She need to stop dealing (interacting) with him then. She don't owe him anything, just because he is her brother. Smh.
Before being accepted at a very prestigious university my abusive grandmother at the dinner table told me everyone at university would be much smarter than me. So much for instilling confidence in me. Keep in mind I was recovering from C-PTSD at the time - of which my fathers family caused - including himself.
@@galefralin2886 Thanks for your sympathetic words. I’m glad it is all over now. May we all heal in peace and prosper!
Everything she says is so true...specifically starting an argument when you are upset...kicking a dog while their down...shes wonderful
I think they start an argument with you *because* you're upset. My wife (24/24 of these by the way) goes out of her way to *make* me upset, then criticises the fact that I'm upset, and how dare I not lavish her with praise and attention right now. She'll actually berate me for yet again not giving her the hugs and tenderness she needs immediately, says I'm failing her, she's told me so many times what I'm meant to do. And I'm thinking you've just been abysmal to me, I don't want to be in the same room as you, why is this my fault? If I try to walk out the room, my goodness the rage. It's called emotional sabotage. Darn, I've just started shaking, this is obviously still a bit raw for me.
OMG that's exactly the word I used. It's ridiculous. Sometimes they'd twist facts so hard that it doesn't make sense anymore just to make it appear that they are right. It was ridiculous. One time I laughed! And I was called arrogant because of it. But how can I not laugh? It's too ridiculous that I'm sure on a diff time, they themselves would not even believe them.
If you know someone that is ..always ..saying something bad about other people then most likely they are talking about you as well behind your back.
You have the EMPATH'S take on these things. I never heard them from someone who talks from the empaths point of view, rather than just straight facts. Thank you! I can identify more now with being the victim with these with this kind of explanation. You meet me where I am at.
" I don't say things the right way...I get my words mixed up.... I'm not yelling....I don't know what you're talking about!"
And the list goes on....as they give you the silent treatment.
Girl. Yes. Spot on. ❤
Took 3 months and someone saying that word narcissist. Bingo I looked it up and I finally discovered what I couldn’t put my finger on for 3 months. Thank God I got wise and thank you to the person who said that word.
This is spot on! They also try to take credit for your accomplishments. Thanks.
Just broke up with my ex and I realize he was probably a covert narc now. I always knew something was off, love bombing and future faking, then the devaluation and acting disinterested, lack of empathy, and all of that. One warning sign I think might be included here (I’m not sure, still learning about this) is how they make you feel like you aren’t really part of their life. I mean they make it seem like they sort of live this dual life. For example, I was with my ex for 8 months, he met my parents on the second date and would see my family often, I invited him to always join me and my friends, etc however, he NEVER introduced me to any of his family or friends (never even showed me pictures) and would say how much he would enjoy that but never ever did it. Somehow I got blamed and he would say things like “well you have anxiety so I knew you wouldn’t want to go meet them. I was doing this out of respect for you”. Like that has nothing to do with it! He ALWAYS seemed to keep me separate and I think it was intentional so when he was done with me he could easily cut me out with no ties and not worry about me having any contact with those in his circle.
My ex did almost the same.
We got married but never told that to anyone,colleges,friends,not even to his family until I did.
After a year we got divorced and so he didn’t have to tell it again,bc nobody knew about the previous marriage!
@@Angel-lg9ez oh wow, I’m so sorry! It feels so crappy when they keep you a secret like that. It’s terrible.
Sometimes it feels like I’m only in 1 compartment, left out of many other compartments of life/friends. I’m separated from the other ones & it’s super lonely:(
Moonie now I’m ok.
Just found out he’s already love bombing a new victim.....so fast.
The real issue is that I left Italy to move and live with him in USA ; the new victim is Italian too and he’s using the same tactic again....and she’s gonna fall into his net like I did.
History repeating !!!!!
Omg while I was reading this I'm reminded of when my ex SO told me that he really wants me to meet his bestfriend and there was this certain time I texted his best friend, he never replied to me until now. So yeah, I can relate. But he did show me pics and gave me his best friend's number. We were in a LDR.
I was married to him and it was 27 years!!! He’s changed so he tells our daughter and new social worker girlfriend! Wow! Changed man.
This is an excellent video; I know I've dated a narcissist, I know I was raised by a narcissist, but after watching this video, I realized that I have a friend who is displaying 17 of these warning signs.
I'm in one now. Over 14 years now. Is charming when needs to be. That's what made me fall for him in the first place. I believed everything he said.
The major difference between narcissists/psychopaths and empaths is:
Narcissists/psychopaths believe there is nothing wrong, further, it is ESSENTIAL
to “lie, cheat and steal” to get what they want.
Narcissists assume, everybody else is also lying, cheating and stealing.
Empaths assume others are NOT “lying cheating and stealing” to get what they want.
They are different species of human.
Can you believe that I’m 40 years married and the discard has fallen onto my lap ..... definitely reevaluating his personality!!!! My mind is blown away by some of these synchronicities.... sad to say I’m discovering MY self in these videos. The issue was formed in my first years of life. The “good” daughter .... narc Dad. That’s my analysis at this time.... I am on the journey ..... so happy to see you are sharing - it is caring 💞ty
Tina Kelly,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
You are not alone
Now that I filter my relationships through my Narc Scanner, I’ve been losing fake alliances left and right.
I recently just got out of a 4yr relationship and a 2yr marriage to my ex wife. You seriously hit everything on the head that she was. I was made to feel crazy constantly to the point of breaking down at work or to my dad. Thank you so much for this video and for making my feelings validated when she never could. Thank you for sharing this knowledge I really appreciate it. It’s been about 6 months that she’s been gone and I can honestly say I feel so much happier and back to myself again. ❤😊 I use to laugh when my ex would say “you just don’t get it your not an empath like me” which left me scratching my head for the longest time because I would think to my self “but I always worry about you, I do all the house work and pay all the bills, how in the heck are you the empath when your always about you?”😂 anyways once again thank you so much for the video
You were wise to get out of that relationship relatively quickly. Many people waist decades of their life. I had a similar situation. After 3 years I kicked her to the curb and got on with my life. Best thing I ever did. It took me years to finally find the covert narcissist diagnosis. I had never even heard of it before. But sure enough she checked 24 of the 25 boxes.
@@xavierbreath2227 stoked for you as well that you left. It’s such a tough thing to do because they get you so jammed up with all these bad thoughts and info. Couldn’t be happier to be out and not questioning myself as much anymore. My ex definitely fit the bill of a covert narc on top of that is an alcoholic and I tell you that’s one hell of a combo to try and work with.
@@2008yz250f4ever for what it’s worth i have learned to focus on my freedom gained rather than my freedom lost. You learned your lesson as did I. Now go live your life. As you already know, being an empath is a blessing.
my ex would say..."i'm really in tune with my emotions and i can read people easily"...afterward i realized that she was good at reading people to exploit and abuse them not care for them.
Omg. My Ex just scored a 100. Incredible video. Thank you. So many years wasted on this predator. Happy to be free.
Have you encountered anyone you suspect to be a covert narcissist?
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Need more support? Sign up for this month’s group coaching session here: www.commonego.com/group-coaching
I had a 30-year relationship. 10 years dating off and on, and 20 years living together.
Until the emotional pain was so great (@ 27 years), I had no idea about narcissists.
As I attended EMDR/CBT trauma therapies, I began to figure out the toxic ex’s behavioral patterns.
The cyclical nature of the “discussions” (disagreements) we had, the silent treatments, the never-ending kvetching about this or that person, the total UNHAPPINESS concerning his life.
Almost all of the 25 points you listed were descriptions of the ex’s nature/behaviors.
Those behaviors became worse as he aged.
I’m glad to have been no contact for the past 3.5-plus years. Healing my part in the relationship has been challenging, yet worth the effort.
Blessings!❤️
Heck yeah😫.....just realized 2 long-term female friends are covert.....their photos could be next to video
Yes. Work colleague who love bombed me in a really odd way! She fluctuates between grandiosity and zero self-esteem. Took me 3 years to work her out. As you say, until you know, Narcissism is the last thing you expect. She is full of suppressed anger and envy.😠🤐
My sister.
@@nryaneThis is an inspiring testimony. Thank you for sharing.🙏💖
Omg the whole “I don’t need you attitude” and how everyone is replaceable to the narcissist hit home so hard.
Mines has literally said those words to me, that if I don’t give him what he wants he’ll find someone to cheat on me with and to replace me.
This sent shivers down my spine.
My ex, while never threatening to cheat on me, flat out told me that he could always go find other women if I didn’t want to be with him. This was after I expressed shock that he suddenly just announcing out of nowhere that we were once again dating after him ghosting me for months on end. I was just shocked.
@@runningwithscissors1564 I think it just goes to show how little they value people.
We tend to internalize and blame ourselves first but if you step back and see their morals and values when it comes to relationships and people, to just start to see that they don’t love people at all.
People are just replaceable and disposable to them.
I shared this on another narc abuse support video, but when you talked about how a covert narcissist treats you when you are grieving, my jaw dropped again.
I lost my Grandma about 2 months ago. She practically raised me. I knew her time was close, but her death was so hard for me to process. I feel like an orphan. She was my rock. Anyway, I hospice called me after 11 to let me know she died peacefully holding the hospice nurse's hand. I didn't tell my narc husband when it happened because he was asleep. He works early. I didn't want to tell him the next morning because I didn't want to ruin his day. I told him after he got home from work. I was a mess that day, but instead of a hug or any condolences he blew up at me for not telling him the night before. He swore at me. Called me names and ridiculed me. Then I got the silent treatment for a week straight. My narc MIL sent my husband a condolence card for the loss of my grandma? I'm still confused about that. The thing that keeps me going is my escape plan.
Wow. When i told my ex-husband that my mother died, he sang Ding dong the witch is dead! I despised her, also a narc, but still...
@@siobhanmerrill5730 How awful for him to say that to you. It's not his place and it certainly wasn't the time to say it. I'm sorry for your loss even if you despised her, it's still a loss and it's still hard.
I’m so sorry... grieving is already hard enough
Bless you, dear.
25 out of 25 ! 23 years of hell and i still feal like i need to help him!?
There is an old phrase my Mom used to say that discribes being in a close personal relationship with a covert narcissist. " damed if you do, and damed if you don't!" I am so blessed that my kids are caring, sensitive, and sensible people, they both see him for what he is on thier own terms.💖love them and im so proud of them.
Thank for this video. Putting this content out there is so helpful to so many that are suffering💖
Amen .... and YES you are blessed with those lovely kids 💚💙💗
OMG, he has them all 25, I'm still married after 24 years and has just realised what this is all about! Thank you for this video!
Now what are you going to do?
My umteenth therapist spotted the narc wife for me, game changer , entirely. no more suicidal thoughts.
Female Therapists in general are very bad at spotting female narcissism against male victims and usually enable the victim’s capitulation to the narcs .Doesn’t surprise me that it took so many but I’m glad you ran into a good therapist! It is really a game changer!
...... Like finding the last puzzle piece, that you had lost and finally placing in the puzzle, .. just wish i had found it ten years earlier..
NO WAY. my ex narc told me all about his terrible childhood with his alcoholic father literally the second time we saw eachother. The entire relationship before he discarded me, I felt like he was the way he was because of his childhood and I felt like I could also fix him.
wow. same story.
Yep same old story
Yeah they play the victim.
Alcoholic parents are one of the biggest causes of narcissists disease, abuse and or neglect stops their maturing any further, they stay a perpetual child, and just get worse with age...
Same here..
We do need to realize we are talking about creatures living in the dark dimension. They are not like normal human beings.
She is absolutely right and its a blessings getting away from them
Bingo!
My mother is a covert narcissist. When I was younger I always thought my parents were disappointed in me because I was such a bad person. It has only been fairly recently I realized it wasn't my fault. The hardest thing to explain is both my parents assumed the worst of me. My dad was completely manipulated by my mother & echoed her thoughts about me. Since my dad passed, my mom has gradually gotten worse. She doesn't really know the real me. She has this image in her head of the person she is convinced I am. But it is nothing like the real me. No matter what I do for her, there is always something I'm doing she finds to complain about. She makes most of my family & anyone else she gossips to think I'm this terrible & lazy person. I try not to confide in her about anything but she will just make stuff up to say about me. I have caught her telling lies about me to people. She lives to make my life miserable which hurts me so much. I have never once had her comfort me, much less hug me or show any type of affection. In fact, if I cry she will get annoyed. She gaslights & is very passive aggressive. I always thought I wished she would have given me to someone who wanted me since I have always been a burden to her. I can't talk to her about any of this because she will get angry at me. And make things worse for me. I have just learned to live with this & keep my distance. But it's very hard 💔
Is there any possibility you could move (far) away? It wasn't until I was in my early 30s that I realized and decided my father didn't deserve to have me as a daughter and broke off all communication. Only saw him extremely infrequently at family events it was important to me to attend. I was always coldly polite and walked away right away, avoiding any possibility of having to converse with him. The trick is to deeply and truly not care about how they feel about you or what they think of you. And not to care about what others think about you for avoiding this person, including not attending a big family celebration for a big "landmark" birthday, and even their funeral. Good luck.
@@sballantine8127 It wasn't until my therapist told me that "Your mother is so toxic & clearly covertly narcissistic that you're going to have to sever all ties with her" before I ever considered & started breaking off all communication with her. I have no doubt that covertly narcissistic parents realise the social pressures put on us to love our parents unconditionally no matter how terribly they treat us that they take advantage of us & use it as a manipulative tool to harm us further. Indeed, learning to truly & deeply not to care when they inevitably feign the victim & try to make us out to be the ungrateful & mean child of theirs is VERY important.
It is so much more difficult when it is your parent as opposed to a wife/gf/husband/bf. Completely different dynamic. Plus they had complete dominion over you in your formative years. If you think therapy can help you, I would look into it. You have to take care of YOU. If that means ending your relationship with your Mother or keeping her at a distance, so be it. But only you can make that call. One thing I never hear about covert narcissists is “they changed for the better” or “overcame their disorder”.
Wow!! I fell out of my chair 🪑 when you said Value THEN devalued... sooo true. That’s where they confuse your emotions
HOMICIDAL RAGE
SUICIDAL GRIEF
INSATIABLE DESIRE
that's been my whole life (44 years)
Omg my jaw just dropped. I literally don't know how to get out of this. Married two years this coming October and my partner has mental health issues. I think I do now..... like stuck. The pandemic settled in when I started to see im in deep.
I know I finally decided to do what I want, because cooperating with "them" was always
frustrating. And "they" don't like it when I tell "them" to do it themselves. I won't go on many errands accompanied with them so I can have momentary peace. I know there is no "safe place" while
"they're" around and so there's no trust that you'll ever be happy with "them".
Yes! The bathroom, although if he wanted to he just pick the lock or break the door. So only time for me was when he ever slept or when he was at work! Never thought i would even be around a person like that but he spent 4 years cementing my love. I hope for people to watch and read the warning signs early.
I spent way too many years hurt and trying to understand the actions of a certain person in my life, and get answers and closure... never happened. Listening to your other video about the signs of a covert narcissist answered my questions, made sense of his actions and gave me the closure I needed! Thank you! You helped tremendously!!
Christina, I want to say Thank you. You were one of the 1st with whom I felt aligned and understood while viewing your videos. You authenticity, Vulnerability, understanding, empathy, and insight have helped me in so many ways including to go no contact and heal.
Thank you for your videos! Helped me to reevaluate my last relationship and finally end it. Moved even to another state... that’s just crazy how bad it could be.
Left this type of relationship almost 2 months ago. Found your channel days after and it has helped me immensely. I'm the happiest I've been since I left and I work on myself daily-definitely far more spiritual now, thank you
I'm so happy to hear my videos have helped you and even happier to hear you're in a great place now ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo thank you! Also, is it normal to question if you (the person who left the relationship) is a narcissist? Every once in a while I question if I was that person all along and then feel worried.. I know we all have some narcissistic qualities but the thought pops up randomly.
@@leilah6590 so common! I have a video that covers that topic in depth. There are a lot of reasons why we may think this
Congrats! Hope you are living your best life ✨
Thanks for reinforcing the things that I know about Covert narcissist. I have been listening to you for a few months, and just want to say thank you!
I recently had my eyes opened during therapy but this is even more eye opening!
This was absolutely lovely, amazing job on the entire video, I enjoyed listening I felt very engaged, validated and understood. Im 48 and Ive been researching this for 4 yrs (Hard) I was able to comprehend clearly (at least to the best of my ability) more then I thought I could. VERY eye-opening VERY easy going, easy to listen to and encouraging. Thank You Thank You Thank You. Im so grateful for you and for sharing your knowledge with all of us.💟💗💝❤💕
My friend died and I told him I have been crying all day. His response "you just like an audience".
So sorry to hear that 🙏🏾 Mine told me that I only cry to get my way smh.
I'm sorry for that... Plz that shows his cold heart... Get far away... You are worth more....
So right on!!! Have been listening and learning from you, Christine, for a while now. You are utterly brilliant in your explanations. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING SO MANY I'M SURE!! Have known this man 29 years, married 25, two young adult children, and just started waking up a year ago. Slowly planning the escape. My kids and I have suffered greatly. I look forward to providing a safe happy healthy place that feels like HOME. My man-child told me to stop screaming once. I raised my voice in an excited manner to make a serious statement. Ya .. screaming .. right! I had an example for everyone of your 25 points go through my mind. God, I pray for normal.