What It's Like to Love Someone with BPD
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
- BPD relationships can be difficult. What is it like to be the parent of someone with BPD? The child, the partner? Valerie Porr describes the pain and anger involved.
Valerie Porr, founder of TARA4BPD, discusses Borderline Personality Disorder with a focus on the impact of BPD on the family and loved ones of the person with the diagnosis.
The complete Porr interview playlist: • VALERIE PORR - Her Ide...
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This describes what I felt perfectly. My BPD girlfriend left me and destroyed her life because she couldn't get over her insecurities about my loyalty. (I never cheated on her). I loved her so much but she just couldn't accept that fact. Like a person dying of thirst in the desert I hand them a bottle of water but they think it's poison and they keep walking away and I can't do anything about it but watch them die of thirst when I'm trying to give them water. This feeling almost drove me to suicide. In the end I just accepted that she can't be helped and started working on moving on.
I got BPD, and what you just said in this comment is the most powerful, pure and realistic shit ever
I'm exactly the same as your girlfriend, just cannot see in me what my partner sees in me.
Damn, this post speaks volumes. Im in, or was, in the same boat my dude.
I have been on the opossite side. Bdp boyfriend keep looking for revalidation of other women and blame me because he said "i can get any man i Wont" because "i'm a sexy latín women" and no matter how exclusive i was he was the one Who keep talking exes, other women etc. It end Up with me with ptsd, and funny part now he change for some else, ugly racist and that describe herself like esquizotype narcissistic with anger problems. So i Guess me trying to be respectfull wasnt controlling and shitty enough.
This makes me so sad that I could possibly ever make the one Iove so much feel so much like that. I literally love so much my love is so strong and so powerful and honest and true. But this has ruined so much
What an absolutely perfect description. No joke, I often said to my girlfriend who has BPD, it’s like leaning over the side of a ship trying to pull her up, knowing if I reach too far I’ll get pulled under too. I like this woman’s analogy even better.
It sucks when you reach to far and fall in. it complicates things and causes even more pain on both sides. and i became a shitty person for a while
I think the more appropriate description is of a drowning victim, who cries for help, then pushes their rescuer under water and climbs on top of them so they can breathe while the rescuer violently splashes about trying to get to the surface for air.
They damn near kill you and then blink at you slowly...all doe-eyed...like what? I'm innocent.
@@le_th_I died
Yeah and your realize she’s effin another guy below deck
So true ,the more they cant control their emotions the more in control of emotions we must be
I’m madly in love with a bpd woman. Most times she hates me, sometimes she loves. I live and die for those short times that she loves me.
Dear, from my vast experience in this, you are in a very toxic relationship! Unfortunately, it will get harder and harder with time and you will be hurt
That’s terrible. That’s abuse. You’re a hostage. Stockholm syndrome. I’m so sorry. Please leave and never feel bad for it.
Sincerely,
Someone who believes their ex of 13 years has bpd. I’m so happy I escaped. My life is amazing now. I don’t miss that mess and regret staying so long.
@@nabman7425she will betray him severely. Not something simple like cheating either. His life is in danger. It’s guaranteed. I’m speaking from experience as well.
If you are so in love with her, there is hope for you both. Pray for her and yourself.
❤❤❤
this is the best explanation i have heard! and its true! I loved my ex wife.. more than anything.. but i had to let her go.. because there was nothing i could do... and she unconsciously was destroying me! Had to let go
Emil Kadd I had to as well. Genuinely one of the hardest experiences of my life. Nearly a year in and still recovering.
ThatOneDude 87
Same here brother! One year will be in one week. And still recovering. But doing much better
Same here, I had to let him go... we were married for 20 years... its been four months and Im still in so much pain.... I hope it willget better... I loved him and still
do😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
@@lidiyas7153 It will get better! It does trust me. Might be impossible to realize it now as you are still under impression. But i can tell you as a person who went true it all - that there is light in the end of the tunnel and it is very bright. I am now, 2 years on healed... and i am not under the spell anymore and see everything clearly. I even seen my ex on the street and i felt sorry for her. But in any case, leaving her was the best decision of my life! Pls stay strong.. for your own sake... for your future. Best of luck
@@emilkadd I didn't expect your answer and God Bless your beautiful hearth! I also think that I've made the best decision of my life because if i didn't I would not be alive so far how much pain and suffering he caused me in just last year and the half. But is over now. I'm just worry for my 20 and 16 year old girls, are they going to be ok or they will have trauma for the rest of their lives because they loved him so much and don't see the same dad any more and he he was a wonderful dad until brutal BPD strikes. I hope they will understand🙏🏼. Thank you for your soothing words and support that it will gets better. God Bless You❤️
Even a friend with BPD can be so selfish and dramatic that the friendship is simply not worth the abuse.
Do you really think I dont deserve to have friends?
@@LeonTalksALot Not if you’re going to ruin my life.
@@LeonTalksALot You don’t deserve to have friends if you aren’t capable of being one.
@@jayeharrison4533 My life is hell because of this disease, and people like you make it so much more painful.
I haven't hurt anybody, my friends are happy I'm even still alive to talk to them.
@@jayeharrison4533 this disease makes my life a living hell and its people like you that make it so much more painful.
I didnt choose to be abused as a child, cant I at least have some friends?
The thing is the personan w BPD is constantly jumping under the ice in a self imposed fantasy/recreation of trauma, that you will break that ice. And if you do manage that, they are angry and accuse you of doing it out of self interest or pity rather than love.
I never realised i was raised by someone with it, probably also with bipolar. Probably both parents, in different levels of each. Never realised how it invisibly fkt me up and let me more vulnerable for the world to keep fkn me up. And so i also wouldn’t realise that most of my relationships for the rest of my life, whether close friendships or romantic, were mostly with people with some levels of both. Then i got involved in a different and very intense and close relationship with someone diagnosed, as she eventually told me. Still didn’t stop me from getting some of the most hurt and traumatised I’d ever been. Only then i realised a lot. A LOT. About my whole life. Not that it made it all good and gone. Not at all. But it’s something.
the person directly responsible for her child having a trauma-related disorder now tragically tells everyone how much it sucks
I don’t think it’s fair to automatically assume that this woman is directly responsible for her child’s trauma. Childhood trauma can be caused by many factors, ranging from severe bullying at school to abuse perpetrated by people outside of the immediate family. We do not know her full story, she could have been married to someone who was abusive towards both her and her child. Let’s have some compassion here and not project.
Beautifully stated. Its painful.
My fiancé has BPD, and at the moment, he is not interested in getting professional help. He falls into the lower class below the poverty level. He has so many reasons why he can’t participate in professional help, and it breaks my heart that he’s going through all of these contrasts and chaos, and he only has me for support. I feel so powerless and useless sometimes. To the people with BDP, what inspired you to take a step toward getting the professional help you deserve?
When it comes to seeking help for someone with bpd... It wasn't until I lost the ones I loved, burned countless bridges qmd suffered that I began to seek any remote help. It wasn't until many years later that I was given various diagnosis' from mental health professionals. Unfortunately, as absolutely gut-wrenching and horrid as it was... losing them for me.. is the only way I found my way back to getting help. There's this fantastic book called, I hate you, dont leave me. And many therapists recommend it for those with bpd or even their partners if you are looking for some insight. The fact that you are doing research about this mental illness is greatly appreciated amongst the community. I mentioned to countless partners that I had bpd but none of them fully understood the full extent of that. It wasn't until many years later when I had done research, read countless books and had cognitive behavioral therapy and whatnot that I was able to begin to finally explain (on the surface level at least) what it is like for someone with bpd. The emotions are real and having those to support you makes all the difference.
it is "Blame Shifting" - projecting Blame onto the other - "who creates this". When the other walks away - "it is proof" - the major reaso for me - to really walk away. Then another perosn will be the BAD one...
B P D = Bad Person Demon
Lady u need help for codependency and childhood trauma. You know awards aren’t given out at the pearly gates for being a martyr right..
Tolerating abuse. Neglect. Lack of Emotional care is not being a strong person. It’s being a doormat. And you know how doormats are treated right?
😅😅
As someone with BPD i cant deal with mental pain...i choose to trabsfer the pain to my body just for seconds of peace. Now that i am in a relationship i find it so difficult to not find my peace through selfharm cause it will harm mentally my partner. But i also hate being monitored cause i know he is insecure about a lot of things and those things make me wanna blow up and the choice of bathing in ice water doesnt always work...
The end of the day they destroy themselves and their partner, if they not willing themselves to get help
I’m order to be with someone with borderline it’s like you have to be God. Because if you have any fuel to our fire it’s going to be chaos. The people who I usually believe love me are so kind and nice to me even when I’m upset like my step dad, when it’s so rare that he ever gets mad at me my subconscious starts to understand he does love me. But I’ve also been in therapy I can’t say what I’d be like otherwise
Such great videos, such HORRIBLE titling
It's hard to give love to someone that can't seem to receive it.
for some reason it was soo easy for me but I felt th@t it didnt seize him and that hurt me a lot, next to not being loved at all by him and not finding out soon enough :((
It became futile for me .... but it took many years of getting beaten up before I threw in the towel.
I don't belive bpd individuals can love. They can be limerent due to you moving mountains for them and they act like you tossed a stone.
You don't check off everything off the lost 100% of the time, they think you hate them
The saddest part is that as soon as they see you want to love them, they deem you as “safe” to dump their anger on. We become their scapegoats. I am sorry to say, they are not worth loving. Had my husband not very successfully hidden what he was really like before we got pregnant, I never would have chosen to become involved with him. I can’t say I regret it, because our children are the biggest blessings of my life. My husband has become the abuser.
I’m bpd and I’m just in tears. I feel so sad for my family. But they’re the only reason I’m still here. Double edged sword
Isn't it awful hurting them? I push them away to try to shield them, but so desperately need and want their help and support.
I don’t have BPD but my Grandma did and a few of my past relationships. There are incredibly valuable things about those with BPD. Empathy and feeling deeply, high intuition, creativity, passion. I know it’s hard to be in your brain sometimes and how painful it is but please know there are people who will appreciate who you are as well.
The only reason I'm still here. ❤
But my mon who has bpd. Never thankful for her family
Constant rollercoaster and moodswings over the most obscure things and later they feel awful and promise to change, but the cycle just keeps going. Crushing for both sides.
Had an ex like that... I loved her, maybe I still do, but the things she did... 😢
@@emdblues Yeah i can relate. Lately i have been trying to understand the condition more, but i still can't forgive her and have taken some distance.
Omg, I’m not sure how to continue in this marriage. My bpd spouse routinely accuses me of the most inane things that a normal person would brush off. But they act like I deliberately intended a gruesome torture with no plans to allow the peace of death. I literally try NOT to piss them off, but there is no way to avoid it. The splitting is soul crushing to me.
@@RABuffat gtfo that relationship as soon as possible. I know it's hard to let go, but you need to look after yourself and your mental and physical health! This shit is bloody serious
@@Paketoija I just remembered when she called me on my phone screaming and crying asking me where am I, cause she apparently saw my car across the street. I had to video call her and she still had doubts. I was at home in different town 60km away.
Unmanaged and untreated BPD can be quite horrible for each person involved. Therapy and hard work on onesself are a game-changer.
I have BPD and I would date a woman with BPD, but only if she is in therapy or has been for a long time and is working on herself. Otherwise I am out of there.
BPD is no life sentence. Unmanaged BPD is.
@wagenna Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Sincerely, thank you.
Thank you this means a lot. I was diagnosed a few years ago, it’s hard reading some of these comments knowing most people think me a monster. I go to therapy and am pretty aware of my symptoms and triggers, though I’m not always perfect about preventing them. Been with my boyfriend 6 months and I am so terrified of ever losing him, I want him forever. Wishing you luck in your journey 🩷
@@funeralrat you are terrified of losing your boyfriend? You are far from better, you literally can’t be better, because this is a PERSONALITY DISORDER! 😂😂 trying to manipulate people on the internet into thinking that you are not you. Tell us, sweetie, what happens if your boyfriend wants to leave you for good? Are you to threaten suicide /get violent, both? Poor chap, he’s in for the sex, doesn’t know what lies ahead.
So its a life sentence
@@funeralrat just in these few lines you have just proved that it’s a life sentence: 1) in spite of therapy and meds you are still batshit crazy 2) you are, like all borderlines, dependent and leaching onto a poor sod who’s probably very young and got with you because of the sex, since you people are infamous for being super slutty. Of course “you want him forever”, therefore, if he decides to finally run from you and be happy, you’ll probably start with trying to manipulate him to make him stay, using guilty trip, for instance, of sex, the , if they don’t work, you’ll switch to something heavier, like threatening suicide or threatening to hurt him and/or his family. I hope he realises sooner than later how dangerous you are.
As someone with BPD, I don’t want to put anyone in this position and I am sorry
Rarely do any BPD sufferers take accountability for the pain they cause
@@LAVIN20 most unhealed people have trouble admitting their harms, regardless of any disorder present
No kidding. I'll be alone forever now.
it's not a question of feeling sorry on someone elses behalf - you need to apologise to yourself first and build from there.
@@LAVIN20 If they are unaware. Yes.
BPD sufferers are mostly aware though which is why it’s a troubling mental disorder.
At the start everything is sunshine and rainbows and you feel like you've reached nirvana and get a perfect partner that you never have experienced before, the love is like a drug, you've never experienced that kind of affection before
Until everything turns into a nightmare and shit turns extreme and abusive, vulcanos explode, it's war, and chaotic and messy and you end up with endless trauma
That's how my relationship was with my ex's, I was the person with bpd. I got easily loved, but easily left. When you're too good to be true, you're also the worst person in the world unfortunately. That's what's the "borderline" is, between the sunshine lsd dream and the worst nightmare you've ever had. It's so difficult for both sides
True bro I feel you the same way
spot on
I relate to this!
Damn, your last 2 sentences hit hard. So true.
You ever been analysed for bipolar?
My ex has bpd, and the relationship was far from easy. There were bouts of us being happy and healthy, but she wore me down till there was nothing left. When she left she said and did some things that I would never think about doing to her. She turned into a completely different person and the person I knew died. It was and still is the weirdest feeling of grieving someone while they're still alive. I feel for her because I know how sick she is, even though she is causing it all by not getting help. But I will never entertain the idea of being with someone with bpd again. I gave everything I had just to be treated like nothing because she wasn't capable of having a healthy partner. I feel for anyone who has this disorder because I know how sick my ex truly is and have done tons of research, but it doesnt give people the excuse to project your pain onto others.
Gawd, I feel this. I see her everyday, but it's like the person I knew is dead and buried. A monster has taken her place who will say and do the ugliest things no matter the consequences on the father of her children.
@Charles D Yeah, the harsh reality is, the person you thought she was never really existed. She essentially emulated your personality, and when you weren't serving her, she didn't need to wear a mask anymore. This is why people like us fall so hard, thinking we met our soul mates. It's unfortunate you have to see her every day because of your kids. If I were you, I would arrange for some way so you do not have to. I know my mental health would be a wreck if I had to see my ex every day.
@@BeeLayzTv I'm actually going to try to take your advice on that, and not just for my mental health. I'm finding that seeing her as the monster she's become, even every few day's is tarnishing the good memories I have. I don't want those lost or diminished because our children deserve to know that they came from happy beginnings. If I lose that connection, when they ask questions in the future I know my responses will have negative undertones instead of the positive ones they deserve to hear. I've already had it happen. 🤦♂
I've been doing a lot of research too and I've run into the whole emulation thing more than once. The tragedy for me is she is the first person I've ever really loved - or thought I did. I always have said I thought I was broken before I met her. But, when I take the emulation thing into consideration and reflect on our history, I'm beginning to have doubts. Did I really fall for her because she's my "soulmate" or did she manipulate me into falling in love with her?
Yes I feel same. My ex bf with bpd used to be someone who is kind, helpful, like to talk with anyone. Now he avoid talking with anyone. I’m really confused😢
@Charles D The short answer is that she manipulated you. She pretended to be someone so that you would fall for her. She may have actually loved you at some point, but her disorder won't allow a healthy relationship. The main thing that got me through reminiscing was that I dated a mentally ill girl.
I have been with my husband for 14 years and I can admit the 1st 10 years I didn't understand him having BPD I would tell him you can control yourself and always threaten to leave him. He has lived a tough life he was abandoned by his mother and went in to foster care where he was treated poorly. I wish I knew then what I know now and maybe are last 14 years of are relationship would have been so different. I try so hard still to this day to help him. If you love someone with BPD don't give up it's a battle filled everyday for you both. God bless us all 🙏
Can you please give some strategies on what you do to cope and not take the harshness of his words to heart, where it will not affect you emotionally and mentally. I'm 17 months in this relationship with a man I've known since 5yro and loved in my 20's. I'm now 52 and he's 53, he's amazing with a beautiful heart. I'm just confused as to how to love and support him without abandoning myself and guarding my emotional and mental health? Thank you and God bless you and continue to give you strength and peace.
@@Michelle-tx3mg it's very hard to do what your asking to tell yourself this is not him at the moment this is his BPD or which ever mental health disorder he may have. Self love is very hard to keep when you're in a relationship with someone with a mental health disorder and you will break, I am not going to lie to you and tell you his words don't affect me because I remember every word, but it takes two he needs to respect your boundaries you need support talk to a therapist. Because what I do is tell my husband you're having a moment, let's both let it go and come back to it when we can. Till this day he still calls me out my name I just don't engage. Then he catches himself one time I record him and then let him watch it. It helped. God bless you and yours 🙏 it's hard trust I know everyday is a battle or both.
@alexthagreat85 thanks I'll definitely try the recording if I continue the relationship. He has gone silent, his usual and since we don't live together, this is when he hurts the most by feeling alone but I don't reach out first. He's been Dx with PTSD but I'm sure there is BPD with some disassociation because I swear when he's having a moment (I love that) that he is not present. There is no name calling, he'll just repeat that I don't love or care about him and I treat him like shit, he does everything for me and I do nothing for him... and I'll yell back then why the F are you with me and I'll cry because it's not true. That's when I knew something wasn't right and I talked to my Boss who's a counselor to better understand. I keep telling myself that it's not really him because he's so kind and sweet always has been but your right it's hard to separate that in my mind. I'll talk to a counselor and maybe find a support group because if we don't work romantically, I want to support as a friend so he knows he's not alone. Thank you so much for being open🤗
Its going to be 17 years. In the end he had to geg inpatient care and take some mushrooms. Now...dare I say he might be "cured", functionally cured anyway. The dirsuptive thought patterns are there but he manages them and talks about them. He is almost able to laugh at himself without beliveing hes been tricked into havinv a sense of humor. Therapy was great but the magic mushrooms helped him put everytbing he learned together in a way thay makes sense to him. Above all, patience is everything and self love. Love yourself most and be gentle but firm with your boundaries."@Michelle-tx3mg
Nothing would be different except you would now why you are abused.
I am 50 with BPD all my life. The hardest part of growing up is family not understanding and them feeling like i should be able to control it and just turn my illness off. I cant control how i feel. Its like telling someone with tourettes not to tick. If you have someone in your family with this let me give you some advice. It ok not to understand it, i get that but please accept that what that person is experiencing is real not a act. God Bless
Do you feel that you were born with bpd like, say a person with adhd or bipolar disorder is? I never thought of it that way. My little sister has bpd and for all my chilhood I took it personally, like she did it to me on purpose. I really believed that she hated me but I couldn't figure out why. I wanted to change so she wouldn't hate me but no matter how I behaved, what I said, or did or didn't do, she would wind up screaming at me, really mean. But what if she was born with the inability to control that? What if our parents had no way to help her with something she was literally out of control of. She was made to feel like she was horrible. To be honest sometimes she was horrible. But it changes everything if it isn't a choice. If she's not coming at me but instead just trying to control herself. Thank you for your comment. Made me think a lot.
@@karenjimenez7346 If you do some research through various forms of media, you'll find that it states that psychologists don't diagnose children with bpd. Many state that it is too early on to tell due to the environmental factors that come into play at adolescence and that person is still developing. There's some really insightful information on RUclips as well regarding bpd and relationship dynamics. Hope this helps.
@@ladybugandlore Funnily enough, I AM a psychologist and the fact of being unable to diagnose someone before the age of 18 with a personality disorder can skew the notion that it is something out of their control. ( this is what I'm realizing for myself) It's like because you're an adult you should be able to control it. It's a weird sort of extra burden that seems to come with diagnosis that you cannot receive before adulthood. There's an unconscious idea that if you're an adult you CAN somehow control it. But because I knew my sister as a child I know it didn't just start at 18. It was a progression. It got worse and it got better but it was always there. It's like the emotional dysregulation is biological. I don't know about the adaptive behaviors, but the dysregulation was there when she was born. I wonder how many bpds cry a lot as a newborn? I think I'll research that.
I totally accept that it's real and beyond one's control. But, how do you reach the person with BPD when they're hurting they're own children and is unwilling to see or accept that because their BPD has them convinced that I am the problem? Even my 3 year old knows something is wrong with his mother and is always asking "when will mama be better, when is mama coming home?"
My mother is a borderline. When she used to hit us for having the “ wrong “ facial expressions believe me.. we knew her mental illness was real.
A bpd brain is strange. All I could think of was myself as the parent trying to save the child that use to be me. I suppose this come’s from my childhood. I remember always crying for help but it never came. Which may be why I tend to overreact when I feel that one of my children is being threatened….
This exactly
I have MDD & BPD and I am so beyond grateful that I have a supportive boyfriend. He understands me and has made an effort to learn about my illnesses. If not for him and my family, id be dead.
As a guy with BPD, I've never heard it being related to something like that. It does makes sense for a lot of things and, in my past relationships in general. I put them through so much, and it hurts a lot, each time they end up leaving. I desperately try to get them back but, we both know that it's just not going to work out. (I don't realize it at first, until months have passed, and they no longer want anything to do with me). It's hard for both parties to deal, with I know that much now. I wish I could take it all back but, I can't.
Not every brain can handle it. It's a psychological hand grenade
Absolutely..
Lol indeed !!
I just split up with someone who had BPD and it was an Incredibly painful relationship for me. Sometimes he would be attentive and everything I wanted in a partner but other times I’d have said something without even realising he took offence to and would barely speak to me, or withhold affection and I was just constantly stepping on eggshells by the end. He’d overreact to the slightest situation and would be paranoid about what others thought of him but didn’t seem to care what I thought of him at all. I tried to be as supportive as possible, at the cost of myself, putting up with abuse, especially in the mornings and then one day it went too far and I was a mess just breaking down crying repeatedly while he just bullied the shit out of me. I left the next day. I spoke to him weeks later and he didn’t even remember. That day traumatised me and is probably the worst I’ve ever felt and when I spoke to him he just vilified me for leaving and he didn’t even remember what he did. My heart is broken but I fell head over heels for this man. My advice would be to steer clear and protect yourself. He couldn’t and didn’t want to change and the lack of empathy makes having a healthy relationship hard with someone with BPD. Especially if it become abusive and they don’t even (want to) realise
I know what it was like for you as only someone who has had a relationship with someone with BPD can. I wish you the best in your journey.
Russell thank you
Watch A.J Mahari on RUclips she is amazing and really helped me get out of that longing and fog
S K okay I’ll check it out. How are you now? I just want to feel normal again
I had a childhood friend with BPD I was a favorite person, I always knew something was different about them , but always saw the good and I still do see the good, but I can't forget the bad I couldn't do it anymore I had made this person the center of my universe and never had the same level of attention reciprocated. Once I detached myself my life seemingly to me had gotten better I was getting my life together, I was socializing, I was exploring just living life the way it should be I had even started my first relationship, but all throughout this my heart belonged to them. I remember sitting in my car reading her emails after she had found out I was dating someone else. I was just a mix of all these emotions,"Why couldn't she just be happy for me?" I had tried for so long, I had tried so hard for years, and once I had moved on I was just barraged with Harassment attacking me attacking my girlfriend at the time even then I tried to reintegrate her into my life because I did genuinely love her or I thought I did I'm not even sure about anything anymore even at the cost of losing both of them. I just wish I had known what was going on. I hope in the 4 months since you've written this that things have gotten better I just ask you not to go back
My wife has BPD and she has gone through several traumas that has left her suicidal and mostly alone. She feels like she only has me and her Mom in her life and it's tough to watch her tear into herself as often as she does. I've had to stop her from slamming her head into the wall several times but then she gets mad at me because doing that to herself gives her a sense of control. I love her and I enjoy the moments where she can be rational, but it's so hard for her to relax and be happy and it's hard.
You have been subject to immense quantity of abuse of her,she is abusing you and you stay because you are codependent ,trauma is happening to you from al those years of abuse to you and you keep tolerated that for you !If one day you leave her and go in therapy you will understand!
My BPD partner also slams his head against the wall… is a threat to himself and also to me…. It’s hard to leave because the good times are the best I’ve ever had in my life…
My BPD wife of 27 years left in July. This is what it was like for me.
Her love was the promised land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.
Occasionally we came upon an oasis and for a while I was content and happy. In time the spring would go dry and once again we would resume the search. I am now very tired, our water supply is a burden I no longer wish to carry. Somehow I find the strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape. Gripped by a fear of what is over the next, ever shifting, sand dune. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I'm no longer certain of our direction, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.
We lay down together in the cool grass but I soon discover it's just an illusion. Like a mirage in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home.
The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look back over my shoulder with ever step. It has become second nature to worried about her, I still feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an alien concept and try to accept I no longer have the power to save her, even worse, I realize I never did.
At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and know I will never see her again, but what am I to do with all the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.
I stain to listen, hoping to hear her sweet voice on the wind, the words of the promised land, "I now know he truly love me". Instead of the anger and disdain of our last encounter, I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I not have known all those years, we could have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with a now invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago.
I can't stop crying! You have done all you could do... You have done enough.
Glad you broke free
Russell Absolutely beautiful.
@@awhimdhwani Please just be sure he/she does not doubt that you knew their love you. For all of our years my wife would say "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop", I never knew what the first shoe was and for I know she believes I never loved her. No one to blame, just very sad.
Russell that’s beautiful and so sad. I know my husband struggled. I’m in recovery now finally. I didn’t know I had this disorder. It’s hard to change your personality. We’ve been together 23 years. Know this when it seems we hate you. We don’t. We’re very lost and you are the safe place to project all that. It is not intentional! I speak from experience. We aren’t manipulative abusers. We are unregulated and we can and do get help. Wishing the best for you
It's absolute fucking psychological warfare, that's what it's like.
It feels like your soul is enlighted then sucked out of you were your left an empty shell of a person with PTSD
Thank you, this is the first time I've heard someone explain what it's like loving someone with BPD. That fear/anger switch being on the other side and witnessing the BPD person devaluing and breaking off all contact again is something I will probably never fully understand. He has decided to delete my very existence again without any notification; giving all sorts of reasons that just don't add up. I feel completely helpless standing by and watching this person struggle. I want to be there, but I also want to keep my sanity. I think the latter is more important to me.
For me, it's the "all sorts of reasons that just don't add up" that just makes this all the more difficult - at least until I started to understand her disease. I describe it as the "trying on of lies." It's like she'll create a reason that works for the moment or is the best she can come up with at that moment and that'll be the reason until she comes up with a better reason. At first it was: "I never loved you or wanted to be with you, I only did it for our son." Then it became: "you did this horrible thing! I could never be with someone or believe someone that did that really loved me." I've lost track of all the different reasons at this point. But, when she finds a better one, they'll be another one that is the REASON.
Suddenly everything is so clear to me. Thank you so much for this video.
I loved my bpd ex so much, in a way i don't think i loved anyone before, I tried my best to support her, even watching lectures about DBT so I can understand her more and how to act with her, then out of nowhere we had a small argument and she blocked me, just like that, I was so hurt I went in the worst depression and thought of suicide, I just couldn't believe how she could just leave so easily, and then she wrote a month later, as if nothing happened, I was shocked at her audacity, and told her that her actions caused too much damage and I also suffer from bipolar and have a sensitive psychology, I cannot risk her leaving me again and causing another episode of this horrible depression, I had to leave, but I always finding myself worried about her, she did a lot of damage to her life after we broke up, and it saddens me because I tried to save her in every way i could, but only she can save herself
This is painful to read 😢😢😢
I had a very similar situation. Thought I met my dream girl. Things were wonderful...I tried to save her. She left me and never came back when I got covid, on a dime. No particular reason or explanation given. Really messed me up for a long time because I didn't realize how sick she was. I feel sorry for her but she also chose to go back to more chaos and drama and she broke my heart with not an ounce of remorse.
I am glad that you are still with us. Your dedication to learning about dialectical behavioral therapy and how to better support your former partner is testament to how deeply you loved this person. However, and I am saying this is someone who is in functional recovery from BPD, you made the right choice to prioritize your own mental health and to distance yourself from your ex.
Anger....but more so, like in this example's case the father, guilt. They leave a trail of people feeling guilty for either being unable to help, or abandoning the person with BPD.
A lot of people say "please leave them if they have bpd"... I have it and i just wanna say PLEASE don't say these hurtful things and don't leave us! We aren't all the same... PLEASE tell your loved one that this might be the problem, have them get diagnosed, tell them you love them and it will be okay. Be patient and things will change once they start therapy! I started seeking help first, got diagnosed officially a few weeks ago and things have come a long long way with my bf and my friends in just a couple of weeks, thanks to medication and self-training.
Of course, if the person is unwillling to get better and accept that they have a mental illness (or whatever problem that affects you) then leave. But it's not a bpd thing, it's just them being irresponsible
What is they don't want help. Or believe everyone else is the problem?
@@sammie2377 she already answered this in her statement.
I am now two years in with my girlfriend with BPD, she did some therapy, but you need to do it for 4 years before your mind starts to come right, she stopped, and no improvement, one of the biggest triggers is alcohol, stay far away from that. She just destroys my life everytime I see her.
Only yourself can save yourself and want help, the other person can't do nothing.
I really don't enjoy sleeping in the street with no phone, no money, while she just abandoned me to go have sex with an ex.
As I've already said before, the only thing you can do is tell them that this might be bpd and support them in getting diagnosed and staying motivated through therapy. But ultimately it's their choice and responsibility. If they don't even try then it means they aren't that interested in saving the relationship and making you comfortable, which is a cue to leave no matter the diagnosis
I have a neighbor with BPD. I avoid him like a plague. Mr nice guy one day and a total a-hole the next. Like dealing with split personalities. Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde. A real whacko.
Dating someone with bpd was absolutely horrible. It destroyed me. From stalking to psychological abuse to even threats of physical abuse.
I felt my wife was on a runaway roundabout or railway carriage - when she span past me I could reach out and briefly touch her hand. Just when it seemed like she was lost, I managed to convince her that all she needed to do was to grab my hand and not let go - and she did! All my life for that single moment when I knew that all our troubles were over.
wow.... that and often the bpd is mean and abusive to the partner too,... that wears on us
I've never felt so powerless and angry in my life. Thank you for putting my emotions into words 💔 I am so scared for her.
Imagine how we feel after the break up. I realized she might very well feel worse than that everyday. This sounds like torture to have. They're projecting their own pain.
holy sht me too. I just left and I am angry and worried
@@notbonsai671 Also true. Its not about finding the bad guys. People are way more complicated than that.
I feel like I left her with her pain, but at the same time I also have my pain and it was getting scary. I legit would have died if it wanst for my parents. And I was so loyal, also I helped her rescue her son, I bonded with her kids, took them to school, made their beds soo.... It hurts to be treated like trash... And it started to hurt more and more and more
Im just venting at this point, we broke up last week and I just found out it was a boderline disorder all the time. I wish her and the kids the best, I couldnt take it anymore but I also lost my new family. Fuck...
I never wanted to be her superman, man. Im just me and I was by her side. And I cant take being her demon, im just human like her
@@eduardofreitas8336 And we do become the demon! When I talk to people about it, I say that I have become the villain of her story.
Learn to listen not to solve. Love her like she's normal. You know. Like she doesn't need to be fixed.
The rest is her problem to figure out
I'm a BPD father to two sons and I have already affected them beyond what I ever thought I would. I feel disconnected from them, but I want to be close to them. I want to be their friend, but I just wish they'd leave me alone. I want them to be respectful, but I hardly ever am. I tell them I love them, but I've said that I hate them. I praise them for being so smart and intelligent, but I also degrade them and say they're stupid when they do things I think are negative.
I feel like there is always something between us and the analogy Valerie gives is almost too close for comfort.
It truly feels like there is this transparent wall between me and my kids, and even my wife, that's clear as ice, but so very cold to experience.
There are times where the "ice" is thick and times when it's thin.
I can either reach them, or it feels hopeless to connect.
Sometimes I think I'm a good dad and others I wish I would just TML and that would make their lives better if I was gone forever.
I'm absolutely terrified of losing my family, but I feel like I can't bare to keep it.
I will always end up doing worse than better, one foot forward, two back.
I just recently was diagnosed but I have always been this way.
I have almost no patience, even over the smallest of things.
It's to the point where they're constantly searching for stimulation, even if it's negative.
Misbehavior, saying mean things, breaking things, disrespectful to the people in the house.
But their angels to everyone else.
They're so sweet and thoughtful at times, it almost makes me cry.
Just thinking about them makes me want to cry.
I know how diverse BPD can be for anyone, but this is honestly the worse experience.
It feels worse than my childhood trauma.
Yet, I see myself in them so much. Apart from them being my genetic children of course.
I see the little, hurt boys they're "growing" to be.
My youngest is, so far, more caring and empathetic than my eldest. But they're 8 and 5.
I've also had the best, most wonderful and faithful woman I've ever met, but not even she could fulfill me. She poured all her sand into a bottomless bucket and it really, really affected her.
I pushed her away while I did drugs and drank my issues away at jobs I never stayed long at, along with being unfaithful emotionally with other women here and there.
I expected her to be my friend, but I wouldn't be hers.
You know this sounds like a cry for help but I think everyone with BPD is crying for help, screaming it or sitting silently. Hoping someone will notice something they can't even notice themselves.
One thing about BPD is I didn't know about it until I was sick of thinking I was Narcissistic.
I do have empathy and at times, I'm great at showing it.
But a lot of the time, I will not see your feelings.
I will hear your words and I will see your body language.
But I will not see or truly know your feelings.
They make sense logically, but not emotionally.
Anyways this comment is too long.
Here was a peek into my mind and life.
I won't blame a diagnosis for the way I am. I was this long before I labeled it.
I hope I can heal and find a better way through this life.
My wife, sons and even myself deserve it.
I am so grateful to your long description. I love my BPD adult child with all my heart. And I know he knows it but he begged me to go no contact today and I finally complied after 12 hours of him begging me to do it.
I know my life is better for having him in it and I also know that it's worse sometimes. Nothing turned out the way I wanted and yet I wouldn't trade him for anything. I love him with all my heart but I had to let him go for my own sanity and mental health.
He begged me to and now I realize that your description really is helping me understand it from his side.
Thank you.
It's so deep! And emotional! I think everyone with bpd or a a loved one with bpd would burst out crying after watching this!
I didn't. I think the analogy is fitting, but it's actually much worse than that, especially if the person with BPD is abusive, because they're not just helplessly floating under the ice, not all of them.... some of them push you under the ice.
Nope, not if the person with BPD has sadistic traits. Not at all.
Oh, and I knew this person for 46 years before I saw the sadistic side, too, so that was a truly shocking aspect of their personality I had no idea they had.
Nope, some of them should stay under that ice and be left there because they do evil things and really harm others.
Heck, there is one woman here on YT who admits to being diagnosed with BPD and to having destroyed the school janitor's entire life, career, and marriage when she was in elementary school by falsely accusing him of child molestation knowing it would destroy his life. She feels bad about it now, but just think about what that evil, conniving child did to that innocent man's life. To hear her talk about it is simply chilling to think that a child could sit on the swing set in elementary school and come up with this plan to get the sympathy of her teachers. THAT is why she states she did it. She even admitted the man had never done anything wrong or mean to her. DESTROYED HIS ENTIRE LIFE with a single lie and then kept that lie up for years.
That's what I mean when I say some of them deserve to stay under that ice.
I'm past caring
Read the comments critically.
There's hardly a "non- BPD" comment here that couldn't be interpreted as evidence of "BPD" - anger, resentment, blame, self-pity, accusation, hyperbole. Ironically, the most sane, humane and reasonable responses come from people who have been diagnosed with the disorder.
The "BPD" sufferers appear to be serving a need for the rest of us.
Wow for so long I’d fight my boyfriend for being angry with me and not hugging me when having my tears or bpd episodes but thank you so much for this view I never had. You changed my outlook on this from no one cares and hates me to something beautiful
Coming from the other side of thing Jules, I wish it was clearer that the anger was really just a cry for a hug. It seems like so much of what goes on with BPD could just be fixed with a hug and a statement of reassurance. I spent all my time defending myself against baseless accusations. That defense was a waste of time. If i'd just known to give her that hug instead, all of us would have been saved so much hurt.
@@JustTryingToBeAGoodDad BPD will ruin other people’s lives for a hug. I have absolutely no sympathy for you or your partner.
@@jayeharrison4533 And that's why you are an asshole. There's pain on both sides of this disease. If you can't garner that, you deserve all the hurt you are clearly burdened with. Good luck with that. ✌️
Yes . It was frustrating trying to rationalize with my ex gf . I just wanted to talk about us our feeling why she was angry why did she have to rage and she couldn’t explain it just escalated to more relationship problems I felt like banging my head against a wall . I finally left after 6 years I was drained and I still miss her even though she ghosted me .
They're good with that ghosting too. It's like you are completely erased from or profoundly edited toward the negative in their personal history book. The crash from being the beloved to the devalued one is just awful, the ghosting just crushes it.
Yes, you become the monster in her eyes while you tried everything to make her feel loved and understood
Helpless? No techniques to learn? So much of BPD is learned and adaptive. If you're a parent work on yourself. If you're in an adult relationship ask yourself why you're attracted
Honestly, that's how I felt a year ago, now I almost feel like she pulled me under the ice with her and she's keeping me there
She doesn’t mean to, I swear.
Relatable
I’m glad that you got away
@@dooziecone8545I think they do. Because when they are out of their episode they do not try to make ammends
i'm there too right now, under the ice, after so many many years of keeping my head above the water. I'm now too far in to leave (25 years), but have recently realized that it is not getting better but worse. I read that it gets better with age. They were wrong about that, at least in this case. I tried so hard to keep both of us above the water. Now I just feel numb. And I guess some amount of resentment for all the years of trying. It was all easier to take when I was younger.
Lol, the irony... a parent talking about a child with bpd
RIGHT
I do not see the irony. While BPD can often be triggered by childhood trauma, not all childhood trauma is caused by parental abuse. The child could have been viciously bullied from an early age at school or have been abused or molested by someone outside of their immediate family. Nuance.
@@RoryMadigan Lady in the video is definitely a narcissist
@@JohnDoe-jt9oq I doubt that a narcissist would have the compassion and empathy required to even acknowledge that people with BPD are in pain and suffering.
@RoryMadigan no, but they're capable of talking about how hard it makes their own life.
I would rather have rattlesnakes for pets than waste my energy on a BPD creature.
Helplessness... Anger... Spot on! Trying for last 10 years... Trying.. Trying.. Trying... Currently im discarded...Situations were fabricated to discard me... Painful... I have severe head aches for days.... But i feel somewhere down the line i will win... Someday for sure... After the strom.... Wish me luck and prayers.....
It’s called being a codependent and childhood trauma. Now go get therapy so u stop attracting these broken people.
You are codependamt you need to leave her for good and go in therapy
The girl I had something going on with for a couple months has bpd. We got very close and I caught feelings. She said she cannot handle the responability of a relationship out of nowhere. It was all fine and all of a sudden she was cold. This hurts. I want to help her get better because she has destrucive tendencies and it pains me to see her go down a path of self destruction. I want her, I want her to be fine, I want to help. But I simply cant... I just have to move on..
Going through this now… it hurts so bad
Bad parenting leads to this trauma. Let's be real.
🤔🧐
Yes, ACE's (adverse childhood experiences).
My wife has BPD. It is a condition that will bring an indescribable amount of pain into your family. The best way I can describe loving someone with BPD is like trying to play chess with a penguin.
You will never be heard, you will never have your feelings validated. They will never see reason in you recoiling from their abuse. Like trying to play chess with a penguin; you might try and move some pieces around the board, but you can never win. The game won't even start.
Because a penguin doesn't even know what chess is, and has no capacity to understand
Given enough time a partner with BPD will destroy everyone close to them, it's like a continual train wreck that never ends. Worst thing is they never remember what they've done.
I describe it as little tornados touching down destroying lives without notice and then moving on to touch down again elsewhere. Repeat. It just baffles me the level of destruction these "tornados" cause but it's either not remember or spun so the blame falls squarely on those hurt my the storm.
100%
Me thinking about my FP who left me after I split on him realizing how much he wanted to help and actually probably really cared about me but my BPD decided to fuck over this relationship again T.T
I have CPTSD. Its similar in symptoms to BPD but not as unstable. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive to those of us who were damaged early in life, and have struggled so hard to get through life though sometimes we barely understand it and feel like we are drowning. Thank you for hanging in there and being the rock we never had. Its a rough ride. Know that you are appreciated tremendously, are a life saver, and you have healed others. I've always had a soft spot for abused and broken animals since I was broken too. I learned to heal them as others have healed me. Don't give up. Its rewarding when you succeed.
I screenshotted your comment thank you
Me too. Thankyou ❤@@successfulperson3304
BS! The parents usually cause the BPD
i am sorry that i make people in my life feel like this i hope i could stop allof it
The fact that you're here reading comments and sharing means that you are trying to be more aware of your BPD. That's better than any apology that you feel compelled to give. Keep working, keep learning and keep trying to improve your BPD. 🤗
I'm thankful for videos like this. They urge me forward to do better
Most of the anger I feel towards my sister with BPD isn't because of the powerlessness, it's because the endlessly atrocious things she does to me and everyone around her.
I feel this way about my sister as well. I understand that she is sick but why abuse the people trying to help you
She took my children from me yesterday. She took my world. I ran out of money and stood there in the courtroom trying to protect my children because I ran out of money and couldn't get another loan.
3 weeks prior to trial they quit the moment I said my loan failed. I was defenseless against the skewed truths, half truths, and outright lies. I couldn't even use my evidence or witnesses because discovery deadlines had passed. I knew that any chance I had of keeping my boys safe at home was lost the minute she uttered the most wretched of things about the father of her children - things I hope my children never read. Fantasies that are so against my character that I can't imagine them being believed by anyone. The judge took them as fact without hesitation or evidence. My person uttered them like facts, believed they were facts, and that rung out on everyone else in the courtroom as true.
I'm the monster because I fell madly for what I thought was an amazing woman and pulled into the abyss that is BPD. This illness pulls everyone into the abyss that it touches. I'm trying to claw my way out. I wish she'd accept this disease and all that it's done to us so that at least she'd stop grabbing my leg just as I feel like I'm getting out.
The last two days was two years of gas lighting crammed into 2 days all with a judge cackling and cracking the whip. Ohh and my poor boys, they've already lost so much because of this illness and it just keeps taking and taking.
My 4 year old still cries for his mama to come home to dada's house. He always asks if mama can home. "if mama not mad anymore, can mama come home?" What do you say to a 4 year old, who had his entire world turned upside down overnight and out of nowhere. How do you get him to understand that it's not his fault when the first time he'd ever seen his mother have a serious melt down she was yelling at his father about the child?
How do you tell a two year old that he won't be able to cuddle with his father for 7 days at a time. That's an eternity for a two year old. We will lose our bond. This illness is taking from my two year old the delicate bond he has with is father. I hope our four year old's bond will have more stability because of his age. Please don't let this illness take that too.
I don't even love her or care about her anymore. That amazing love was taken too. BPD took away my love for her and any chance for me to fulfill my son's persistent request to get back with mama. BPD has taken away all that matters to me. Now all I have is stress and worry as my children's time with her will increase by 30% . The last time she had that much responsibility was 17 months ago, just prior to this latest "episode. "
I wish more people, especially judges understood this disears, all the nuances and collateral damage it leaves in it's wake.
I have a go fund me in a last ditch effort to not lose my children. If you're interested in sharing or donating, please reach out. I'm so worried about my children now and I have no other options anymore but to beg others. If you can help, or just share it, that's a huge help. Thank you.
I’d be willing to donate! My mother had BPD and ended up dating a very abusive man for 11 of my most formative years, he ruined me and my siblings. I have BPD now too. We had a dad, he loved us so much but he wasn’t able to be in our lives because of financial reasons as well as our stepdad, he wouldn’t let us talk to him a lot of the time. We were kept from him. If we were raised by our real dad, we would have been so much better off. I mean it when i say, all of my siblings have issues now, whether it be alcoholism, depression and anxiety, or in my case ADHD and BPD. Make sure you never let her take your kids away, those kids need their dad.
@@user-ib2bt4ck7y Thank you for sharing. What you described with your family is the exact sort of thing I fear for my boys. Your family's history just shows the fears I've been expressing all along are not unfounded. I don't want my boy having to grow up like that. My four year old told me recently that he gets scared when his mom gets mad. He's scared that his mom will start hating him like she did me when she got mad and abandoned our family. I was dumbfounded when he said that. No four year old should have that kind of fear. Thank you for offering to help. I'll have to figure out how to share it with you. 🙌🏻
Hi all. If you are with someone with BPD, for your own good, please leave. I have BPD. I met the most amazing girl in the world and i broke her. She never hurt me. She was loyal to me. She never wanted anything less than the best for me.
If you have children, please - no matter how tough your life is, hug your child. Tell them that you live them. When they do well in anything, show them how proud you are of them. Your child is more important than money or your job or your mortgage or anything else. Please put your child first. Do not neglect your child.
Trust me - living with BPD is hell. You feel like youre incapable of being loved. You feel empty - like nothing in the world matters. You hate yourself one minute and the next, you think you're the most amazing person to have ever graced the earth. You push away everyone out of fear for being hurt or being abandoned, but you end up alone because you pushed everyone away. You could be the most brilliant, intelligent person, but your life feels empty and meaningless. Thoughts of suicide cross your mind because you feel that no one could possibly want you or love you.
It's a living hell.
This is such a painfully accurate analogy. Although I feel I have to add, I think that feeling of powerlessness is where a lot of our own anger comes from as well.
Yes!
as someone with BPD, i am so tired. why can't i just be normal.
Because you spent a difficult childhood adapting in such a way that allowed you to survive, and it became permanent. But we can improve.
I loved I still love someone with this disorder she is very Charming she's not Young very appealing especially for a senior citizen I believe these people with this disorder are brave people I would not want to life too much suffering loneliness anger back to choose this life to choose a life of a borderline takes courage that may be why I fell for her she had a really nice looking body as well and the tone of her voice did something to me she is simply a gorgeous woman and I was thrilled to be with her until it was time to go I think about her everyday she like people to call her princess God bless her God bless anyone with that disorder
Are you a poet? -P
😭
I have a father with BPD, two ex-boyfriends-one diagnosed and in treatment, one untreated-and two friends with BPD, both in treatment. I would never want anyone with BPD in my life again, regardless of whether they are treated or not. In my experience, unless they are constantly medicated and attending therapy at least three times a week, it is impossible to maintain a relationship. Without those people, I could have avoided a lot of trauma, PTSD, and anxiety. In my experience, relationships with people with BPD are impossible, regardless of the type of relationship.
It’s not just people with BPD; there are quite a few mental illnesses that are difficult to be around, including NPD and HPD.
I am bipolar. It’s the same for me, I am not good to be around either. I'm not good with people, which is why I haven't started any relationships since my diagnosis. I also avoid forming close friendships, so they don't have to deal with my mood swings, and I don't end up hurting anyone. I keep everyone at a safe distance, which can sometimes be lonely and depressing, but it allows me to sleep peacefully and without the guilt of knowing that I hurt someone.
Thank you for the articulation of what we’ve gone through with our daughter.
Us as well. No one really understands.
I love the image she described how it is 👏
Wouldn't know what it is like to love someone with BPD. Hatred is more like it.
I have bpd, its a constant, never ending war, I wish I could not b here
Has anybody been in a relationship with a woman that has practically every trait of BPD and a few traits of narcissistic personality disorder such as being the center of everything/never being wrong/lack of empathy? Also, have any of these women been incapable of being able to cry? Several years together and she dropped me instantly for somebody else. I’ve always suspected she had personality disorders but it didn’t really hit me until I deep-dived into her mind the best I could after the fact. Not only am I grieving a person that’s alive the same way I would a dead person, but I was with a sick person this entire time that will never have the capacity to love anyone(in a romantic relationship). There are no words to describe the sadness I feel.
You are the very person to speak truth to all that entails loving a family member with BPD. There is very little out there to really help families as opposed to shaming or blaming families with out of touch sigmund fraud theories, nor anything that comes close to describing the complexity and pain. Thank you for keeping it real.
Was in a relationship with someone with bpd, it was fast and intense, I fell madly in love with her, but her behavior was inconsistent, eventually I discovered she was seeing other people behind my back, I had to step away, I couldn't bring myself to cut her off completely because I still have feelings for her but by not cutting her off completely she has slowly crept back into my life. I wont lie, I really miss her, I hate that we have so much in common. We talk on the phone every once in a while and poke each other on instagram, but I know she is still seeing other people. I just don't know how to shut off my feelings for her. All I know is I miss her and I still feel a connection to her, but I cannot be in a relationship with her.
Sometimes if you made her think and feel like you were rejecting her or going to abandon her, she will all of a sudden start seeing other people as a defense mechanism to find a new partner cause she's afraid you are already gone. And if you catch her she will deny, cause she will literally cut out the memories of the cheating or tryouts for partners completely from her memory and edit a fictional story to fill in the missing space of time where it occurs. So to her when you ask about cheating it triggers her and she thinks you are gas lighting her cause she in her mind isn't lying, if it's the reality in her brain and memory it's her truth. It's tough to comprehend. There is a good video on it I think titles bpd triangulates and goes to new partner for rescue, by professor Zack van I believe hope that's right.
@@thomasdecker6427 Good possibility, also I thought she knew we were heading toward a serious relationship and that scared her, she had mentioned almost every guy she had been with always ended up cheating on her so her keeping things open and playing the field is her way of preventing her from being hurt again.
@@MarlonBrando414dude, run. You are going to regret this whole situation
@@thomasdecker6427Sam Vaknin perhaps?
I’d like to know if BPD is caused by childhood trauma/abuse/neglect because I know NPD is and is part of that cluster B classification and from what I’m learning, the diagnoses can blend into each other due to the emotional dysregulation component. Therefore, I have questions regarding the analogy of how a parent in this description rendered can feel powerlessness, if they may have contributed to the creation of the diagnosis in the child. To what degree does the parent play a part in creating what is causing them such grief. I would like to understand it better.
I think there is like 25% change of parents being "good enough" parents, and still have BPD child. So there is some genetics in play also, that some infants cant handle the primal envy that well. But yeah, in most cases the parents did cause it and in most cases the mother is a borderline herself.
I think its exactly this impenetrable wall of mothers that causes BPD. And its the same wall that the partners of borderlines experience as children and then confuse being love. The painful longing, trying to get the partner to notice them.
BPD, NPD and codependency, are all just ways the child reacted to a "dead mother". An unavailable distant mother. Where they simply gave up on themselves, in order to please the mother and keep the vital relationship. BPD and NPD are just really extreme forms of codependency with insane levels of manic defences.
what this guy said^ + projective identification.
@@Nobody-Nowhere for BPD, genetics play a much bigger role.
trauma does not cause BPD, trauma can exacerbate the BPD traits already born with. Actual research will show trauma doos not cause BPD. cluster B tend to seem themselves as faultless in their path of destruction in others' lives and take no accountability or are blinded to it. And so if something awful did happen, they've already had the primed victimhood mentality.
For example, kid with no trauma says my brother's bullying me when she instigates. Then years later did have a trauma, but then sees everything as I'm the victim or had BPD because of said trauma rather than realize that she had already had traits she was already born with. Also the reason why there's spectrum to BPD, some are more severe and others are less.
Our genetics are there and environment amplify.
I think it turns into anger if your partner is not diagnosed and you are confused and even offended that they respond and act this way. I cant imagine why one would be angry at a diagnosed person suffering from a psychological disorder. Anger you can experience is the anger towards yourself and the frustration that you simply cannot end this relationship for multiplereasons, one being that you feel responsible and sorry and you feel pity and hope it can somehow function: which is sadly far more empathy and good will that you ever get from most people with BPD. Far more often than anger you get false feeling of responsibility and hope, which is never real, because thick ice is always between you.
So forgiving them is the answer? Maybe ignore it and understand that this is not who they are. Keep loving them, getting love sometimes and realizing its the disorder, not you.
Can't imagine why one would be angry at a diagnosed person suffering from a psychological disorder, really? The abuse, pushing and pulling, black and white thinking, no matter that there's a label attached to it, ppl get angry by this behavior and how pwbpd think. I have bpd and completely understand why ppl get angry.
@@queenieburgers50 Would you undestand being angry at someone suffering from schizophrenia or clinical depression? It is no different.
The point is not only that those people are innocent (who isnt?), but anger and arguments are only productive and meaningful if it can change something as part of mutual communication: why be angry at someone who cannot change and control their emotions and in the long run gets only worse from your violent overreactions? Its like beating your cat for not behaving the way you expect.
@f4ust85 lol yes, I would get angry at someone who has schizophrenia or depression. The actions and words said of people is what matters. Saying it's beyond their control doesn't matter. I knew a guy with schizophrenia who r*pe me and beat his neighbor. The label attached to the person who did such cruelty doesn't matter. We all have thoughts, we choose whether or not to act on them, even being impulsive, it's a thought that immediately is acted on. No one is innocent.
@@queenieburgers50 I grew up with a schizophrenic person who suffered clinical depressions and later jumped off a bridge, my wife also suffers from BPD and after almost 10 years in therapy things will likely never completely change for the better. Its simply a mature thing to do to accept people as they are and not reproaching them for something they cannot deliver, not yelling at a disabled person on a wheelchair that they should keep up and run. Also your example is very manipulative: sure, if someone murders your mother or rapes you, you will most probably be angry, he should be responsible and theres no way around it - but we are not dicsussing criminal charges here but simply living with a person with a psychiatric disorder, you are changing the scale.
Yep. Uhuh. WE'RE the ones with the anger problem. Like it was ME that punched a sleeping six year old boy in the face.
I was diagnosed with BPD 18 years ago as a teenage. Spent my whole life fighting BPD. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
Congrats on your recovery. Most persons never realizes psilocybin can be used as a miracle medication to save lives. Years back i wrote an entire essay about psychedelics. they saved you from death bud, lets be honest here.
YES very sure of Dr.benfungi. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
How do I reach out to him? Is he on insta
I would like to know from those who have solved PTSD and anxiety, if they have solved it definitively and how to understand what quantity of psilocybin to take and when, for how long. And can you really heal without having an addiction?
Thanks to everyone for helping me understand, I want to understand if it's
something that can help me solve the problem (I have c-ptsd)
From my experience it really works excellently! It doesnt even need to be a full hit. With potent shrooms 2-3 small ones will still make a clear difference. It will be a few hour cosy rumbling moment around rest time, but afterwards its just calm and you feel amazing and gain your freedom. Psilocybin is different dudes, its the only "treatment" I would recommend to someone who genuinely wants to get better. There is no addiction, withdrawal, or negative side effects. It's just pure healing., far more effective than any anti-depressant. You can thank me later,
I really needed to see this as someone with BPD. Thank you.
We love you, ♥️
You ain't alone in this pain ♥️🙏
Thank you for taking the time to learn about your illness. I know that's not always easy to do when you have BPD.
Please get help and keep remembering that your loved ones are doing whatever they can.
Same… same
And stop hurting other people ❤️
It's like seeing your loved one in a dangerous and hostile hostage situation, while being held hostage yourself...By THEM.
Yeah... Had a friend I loved dearly. I gave her everything I had and more. But she made decisions I could not support, no matter what. I just couldn't. It made me physically sick. And when I told her that I just couldn't do it, she blamed me for ruining our friendship. Continuing down her path of self-harm, dragging other friends of us down with her... I'm angry. I know it's not really her, but the anger doesn't go away. She knows about her diagnosis, of course. But she doesn't really want to change or try to fight against it. I was above the ice. And until this day it didn't crack. So I've let got.
I’ve just found this while researching ways I can help my child. I’ve tried so many approaches and it’s exactly as this lady describes, it is so painful.
Everything I try eventually becomes a trigger. The frustration and sense of helplessness at not being able to help or stop it, makes me angry. I don’t want to be angry, I want to help.
I can't imagine just how much more painful it is when the person with BPD is your child. The feelings of helplessness that would consume me would be unbearable. But, I'd have to keep fighting despite it. Keep doing what you're doing for your child Tracey. Your child needs it even if they show no appreciation. I'm going to steal this from Alexthegreat up above: "If you love someone with BPD, don't give up. It's a battlefield everyday for you both. God bless us all 🙏"
@@JustTryingToBeAGoodDad Thank you, for your kind words.
Yeah I’m currently going through this right now. I used to be the nicest person. But I let her manipulate me for so long that I began having outbursts of anger to things that she does repeatedly. I began to realize that this wasn’t who I was and began researching the effects bpd has on their partners. I feel hopeless and anger. The biggest thing for me is manipulation. When she gets upset about theeee slightest thing and goes offff. In these moments she says the most hurtful things. My side of the story never makes more sense than hers. So she says things to guilt trip me and make her side of the story make the most sense. The argument doesn’t end until I say sorry and I understand even though I don’t think I did anything wrong. But when I get upset about something she did and I express that; she somehow ends up flipping it on me and saying I acted out wrong or I said the wrong thing or I could have handled that so much differently, and just like before at the end of the night I am always the one saying sorry and if I don’t she ends up guilt tripping me more. I’ve mentioned breaking up before and she once again guilt tripped me by saying I’m not fighting for the relationship. She doesn’t even know what I’m going through. She goes therapy and tries to talk about her bpd and get help but the bottom line is that. It doesn’t work. She doesn’t take the initiative to research the effects it has on me. I don’t even want to express when I’m hurting about something anymore because I just know it’s gonna get flipped on me again. She is also suicidal and has cut herself over the slightest things that I done. I have been manipulated into believing that I am her last hope and that she might not make it without me. Only because I struggle with confrontation and all my life I have avoided it. So for the longest time I never said anything about what she was doing and and she took that as being able to handle her. Pls help
Im going through the same thing with my bf. I ignore it, he apologizes, but it keeps happening. But when hes not in that mood of hate, hes amazing. I have no idea what to do. I wonder what help there is for this disorder that must b from Satan....
I was just recently broken up with by my BPD girlfriend. Looking at these comments and other people's experiences, it really explains her attitude at the end of our relationship. I still love her and care for her but she has completely erased me from her life and memories. She had begun treating me as a stranger weeks before the bad news and now she actively avoids / antagonizes me despite me making countless efforts to work things out. I have had such a hard time understanding and accepting it but these comments have shed a new light on it. I would recommend you leave it for your own sake. The hardest people to love are the ones who need it the most but this condition is like a cancer that affects everyone it touches.
You have explained your situation exactly like mine. I always felt on eggshells voicing my concerns and I was "cruel" when I didnt appreciate something she did. I also feel hopeless and angry now. Focus on yourself instead of trying to fix other people's lives.
She drove me to thoughts of suicide. My mood was too connected to hers so I would frequently observe a roller coaster of ups and downs. I want to help her but I cant do that if she wont help herself. In just a year, she gave me the best and worst times of my life. She's already erased me and moved on. Sadly, I am struggling to do the same.
I know exactly how you feel bro. I’m going through this exact thing right now with my partner with BPD. I had to check to see if I wrote this comment. 😂 but all joke aside. I know exactly how you feel.
Yea just imagine what its like having to be the person living WITH the actual BPD.
Very well articulated. I have a sister with BPD and it's the most frustrating relationship in my life. She's like a person I used to know.
If your kids are having PDs and you are the one(of the) person who raised them, you are the biggest reason who let them develop those disorders. Don’t act like you’re the victim of them. They are the victims of you.
That's not necessarily true. While BPD is triggered by childhood trauma, not all childhood trauma is caused by parents. The child could have been viciously bullied from an early age at school or have been abused or molested by someone outside of their immediate family. Don't make assumptions about someone else's family. Trauma isn't that simple.
My anger toward my oldest sister's pathological lying is REAL because she makes up lies about other family members and tries to drive wedges between family members then, later, claims she never said any such thing (and I mean when you're 1 on 1 with her and the other person is not around).
My sister's BPD is so pathological that if I didn't understand how little public admiration and social status mean to her, I'd swear she's a narcissist.
I can barely stand a 3-minute phone call with her, and before she started doing this, I would talk to her for hours on the phone. I naively thought she loved me. HA! What a joke that is. She's not capable of loving anyone, she changes so easily, from one rigid thing to the next, you have no idea who you're dealing with any time you pick up the phone.
She is unapologetic about the things she says, too. The sadism in her isn't always there every day, but it's never far from the surface. Thank god she did the right thing and never had children and has no pets.
BPD resembles covert narcissism.
I don’t find the story or the woman’s takeaway to be specific enough to BPD to merit this clip. I’m frustrated that RUclips recommended me a mental health video this insubstantial
I dont wanna make people around me feel like this but I dont know what should I do… I cant stop it
@matouszaruba9175 Find yourself a therapist who specializes in BPD and start treatment. Stick with the treatment no matter how hard it gets. And it'll get hard. Stick with it, keep at it and don't give up. That's how you start...to stop....
And be alone.
You missed the part where they throw you under the ice, devalue, and discard you after years of loving them.
You're not kidding.
the way people talk about bpd and relationships with people w bpd is starting to make me feel like i have it. or symptoms of it. and the more i research it the more i believe it
There are some neat self assessment questionnaires online to check for bpd and/or narcissistic tendencies. Maybe look it up? And of course, booking ameeting with a professional can't hurt. Best wishes
Look up Sam Vaknin. Borderlines export their inner chaos/war/turmoil to their partners.
BPD is not a personality disorder that can be medicated, although some people who suffer from it benefit from anti-anxiety medications. Irrespective of whether or not you receive a formal diagnosis, if you are struggling with emotional dysregulation, it is likely that you will benefit from dialectical behavioral therapy. I personally never received a formal diagnosis, however, I went out of my way to read the DSM-5 and came to the realization that I exhibit all of the hallmark traits of BPD. That is ultimately what led me down the path of self improvement and while I still have a lot more healing to do, I have seen tremendous improvement after just one year of intensive weekly therapy with a therapist who specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy and the treatment of BPD. There is hope and you are capable of making changes in your life that will ultimately benefit you and those around you. 💛
Um, how about we don’t qualify or justify the anger by trying to disguise it under powerlessness? Of course the child of a BPD mother feels powerless (that would be me) but they also feel straight up ANGER at the injustice of the abuse they are expected to absorb. “Oh, anger is a secondary emotion, powerlessness/fear/sadness/grief is underneath it…blah-blah-blah…”These psychologists should try not stating the obvious for a change.
I am in an on and off relationship with a BPD girl. I feel like that sums it up. I've never been so deep in emotional hell on earth. 😢
Relatable feeling... :/
But she is only responsible for what she does. If you stay or return in a relationship that is unhealthy for you, then this is something which you do to yourself.
I hope you're already better by now, but when you feel hurt: focus on your needs and how to achieve them without her. It's not selfish to take care of your own emotions and needs. Ultimately, on-off-relationships aren't healthy for both, it's just that feeling less alone or reunited can for short periods of time outweigh the staggering and exhausting burden which it puts on both "partners".
Even if you still care about a BPD partner, perhaps part of the sense of 'helplessness' is also due to being unable to ever honestly 'engage' with their feelings, however chaotic... simply because they usually don't 'do' _attachment_ to begin with.
Wow.... maybe the most insightful 2 min I’ve ever heard
What's it like to Love a Porcupine on Fire...
The best way how to describe it for myself is like live behind the glass window, thank u for this video, makes me cry
My twin sister had BPD and I am generally lost, there's nothing I can do, I love her but I also don't trust her and I know there is actually nothing to be done and I'll probably forever be in a circle where she does well for a while, then has a mental health crisis gets sectioned then slowly it gets a little better with the staffs care and my attention and then she says and does things that aren't ok and later has a crisis again and the whole cycle repeats itself, there's no getting out of it I don't think
Oh my word this is where I am with my daughter. My heart is breaking