She could be telling my story! I gained 40 lbs during a lung illness. The inability to be as active, medicine and being scared led me to that point. My ex-husband brought up my weight and what I ate every single day. He refused to go to the doctor with me because he thought I was making excuses. As I got better I lost weight. On the day I was at my 20 lb loss mark, he flipped out on me and told me he didn’t sign up for a fat wife, and if I didn’t get it together he was leaving me. He didn’t even realize I was halfway down. It was never about the weight. He didn’t respect or love me.
You deserve better!! True attraction is to who you are, not what weight you are. People gain and lose weight ALL the time throughout life. May your ex turn into a fat old man so he knows what it's like to be treated disrespectfully. People like that need a taste of their own medicine. I'm so sorry this happened to you! You're amazing no matter what weight you are. You are capable and can do anything you put your mind towards. Glad you cleansed the toxicity out of your life.
I agree with you, BUT, attraction matters. And the way you take care of your body is a reflection of what’s going on inside too. This is nuanced of course, but as a man, I also feel for him too if deep down she’s stopped caring for herself like she used to. It definitely isn’t an easy thing! Takes worth from both partners to navigate this sensitive thing.
@@justinstewart3248 oh, absolutely Justin, looks matter, for men in particular ( hm just the physiology for the intimate act for you guys to work, not so much for women, they do not have to be stimulated to have sex, they might not enjoy it but they will do their duty). After 25 years of marriage my hubby decided to tell me that he is not attracted to me anymore as my thighs lost their sculptured look, I had a bit of orange peel look on them, I did not gain weight, I was just entering the perimenopause stage of life. My response was: well, dear if you want a younger version of a lover you need to trade me in for a better model.We are both ageing, this is what it is, you either accept this fact or you do something about it. He never tackled this topic again. It will be our 52nd aniversery next month.
@@justinstewart3248you’re supposed to attracted to who she is, not how much she weighs. Also may shock you: women’s purpose isn’t to be attractive for men
@@justinstewart3248attraction is more than looks. He should appreciate the sacrifice his wife made for him by risking her life giving him a child. He's got a lot of growing up to do if his priority so soon after having a child is that she needs attractive for him again. I wonder what you'd think if your father said that to your mother when she was changing your nappies.
It’s more than a loss of attraction. It’s the increase in bills (medical, water, electric, groceries, after a certain point you may need to accommodate them with a bigger bed or create ramps, get a large toilet, etc.). There’s also the looks you get in public, the self esteem issues both in yourself and with your partner that you need to deal with, and there’s the fact your kids could be affected too. Nobody needs to be paper thin, you can be chunky, husky and soft, but if managing your weight is too difficult then you’re choosing to put additional pressure on your relationship.
You don't have control over sickness, injury, or age. You do have control of your weight, and it's not difficult. It requires a bit of basic self-discipline, that's it.
@@cristianmota3811 Not possible especially when one has kids. The woman will gain weight. It will be harder to lose if she works full time and is the care giver parent. If he has money and can allow her to have a nanny and work on herself she will lose it.
“The results HE HAS SET FOR ME” immediately sent me over the edge. At so many points in this conversation, we BLEW past red flags and crashed right into a wall. The language she uses is so subtly self-deprecating and defensive of him. “I appreciate his constructive criticism…” This is not judgement. I was IN this relationship. This is not okay. Love is not conditional. You are amazing and strong. Mother’s bodies are supposed to change. You beautiful mother, I hope you are able to feel amazing just as you are right now ❤
How is wanting to be physically attracted to your wife unacceptable? A wife and husband should not only be able to make healthy, honest demands of each other, it should be encouraged that they do so. This guy is being honest about what he wants. Would it be better if he pretended it wasn’t a problem? Visual physical attraction is a huge deal for men in a way that it’s not for women. A couple being mutually attracted is essential for a lasting marriage and therefore a lasting family. Also, it’s not like 40lbs is a little bit of weight, it’s a lot, especially on a woman.
Yeah he completely missed the point here. I’m sure she didn’t put the weight on over night and it’s going to take time for it to come off. How much time depends on so many things and he had no right to expect “results”. Gradual healthy weight loss is not immediately noticeable and when you see that person every day it’s easy to overlook . I’ve lost 25 lbs in the last year and looking at myself in the mirror I hardly see a difference but I look at pictures from a year ago and the difference is immediately noticeable . If he wanted her to go on a crash diet and hurt herself then he doesn’t care about her he cares about what she does for him.
I was married to a weight- and image-obsessed man-boy who controlled my every bite as soon as our second (and last) child was born. He continually told me “just a few more pounds” until I was nearly 30 lbs underweight, anemic, and had lost a lot of hair. Even at that weight, he told me I needed to lose just a few more pounds to look good enough that he’d stop preferring other women. I started sneaking food at that point and knew without a doubt that his issues were about HIM and not my weight. Guess what happened years later when I decided to pull myself together and leave his abusive @$$. I got super fit and gained the confidence to improve my life in other ways, he was a miserable jerk with a double chin and a soft dad bod, and he went completely off his rocker. It WAS his problem all along.
Why do women only ever “pull themselves together and get super fit” after they leave their significant other? If you did that in the first place none of that trauma would’ve happened
@@Tyyjutsu You don’t know what it’s like to be chronically tortured by an abuser, do you? I was in a situation exactly like Mica Miller’s, but for 2 decades. I was fit and active when the abuse started and remained thus until, after 15 years of constant coercive control,my HPA axis was completely derailed. Besides the forced starvation early on, my asshole ex-husband sabotaged every single effort I made to care for myself, keeping me up all night and then sleeping all day while I was at work so he could be well-rested to keep me up again. Controlling my access to money and transportation. Tracking my every communication. Needling me and creating a chaotic and noisy home environment so that I was forced to study late at night in my car. He was screwing around with other women and, I suspect men, back when I was in a ripped bod and taking care of home, kids, and him. I had to get away in order to care for myself. Husband #2 is a gem and supports my self-care, and i’m younger-looking and by far healthier than I was a decade ago when I first left the creep. I’m praying for any woman who has the misfortune of partnering with a male like you.
It’s clear to me that some of the people here in the comments either A) are NOT married, or B) live in delulu land. 🙄 The issues with the call go far deeper than just weight.
@@bobby9192no one stays hot forever. We all age we all gain weight as we age and we all get illnesses that stop us from being active as we once were. Sorry but ur meant to love ur life partner no matter what. I bet he's not all that either!
Again, attacking people who are not married. Please understand that most of the lack of understanding actually occurs within married people. Please stop marginalising those who are not married. We are often much much better people.
@@bobby9192I can tell you’re exactly what this comment stated. Young and dumb or chronically single lmao. My partner was very fit until he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The steroids made him gain weight, his left eye is no longer functional. He doesn’t look like he did when we got together but I still love and want him all the same.
How is wanting to be physically attracted to your wife unacceptable? A wife and husband should not only be able to make healthy, honest demands of each other, it should be encouraged that they do so. This guy is being honest about what he wants. Would it be better if he pretended it wasn’t a problem? Visual physical attraction is a huge deal for men in a way that it’s not for women. A couple being mutually attracted is essential for a lasting marriage and therefore a lasting family. Also, it’s not like 40lbs is a little bit of weight, it’s a lot, especially on a woman.
@@jimmydean767240lbs is nothing! That's literally 18kg, that's not a lot at all! She could be 70kg now, where she was 52kg before. That's average for a woman. We don't know how much she weighs now at all. If she gained 50kg now that would be obesity and a cause for concern, 18kg is nothing especially after pregnancy and illness.
@@jimmydean7672women (actually, just humans in general) naturally gain weight as we age, especially in pregnancy. if a man expects to grow old with and have children with his wife, it’s preposterous to expect her to look the same as she did when she was younger and not a mother. 40 pounds is so minuscule when it’s spread across a whole body, it’s maybe a change from xs to medium. the issue is that 1) she said her weight gain was due to medical issues, so he seems to be more concerned about his attraction to her than her health, 2) that small size change shouldn’t alone all of the sudden make the woman you decided to be with the rest of your life unattractive, and 3) she said something like “i’m not meeting the goals he set for me”. that’s insanely controlling. if they’d sat down and said “yeah we’ll start cooking these healthy dinners and go to the gym together” that’d be wonderful, but it’s not put that way at all.
Where are you getting "mad" from? The guy properly communicated with his wife, lovingly, and let her know he's lost sexual attraction to her. Because of her getting out of shape. That's normal, sexual attraction is not spousal love, they're totally different. You ladies don't want open, free communication in a relationship, you want to be lied to, and you wrongly expect your SO to still be sexually attracted to you even if you've totally let yourself go, and have turned into a Lizzo - the biggest of all dinosaurs...😅
What were you going through at the time? Injuries, illnesses, stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can have such an effect. I hate that she didn’t clock that. I’m sorry that she was so superficial. It’s hard to get back in shape. Doing that now myself. Congrats on taking care of yourself. I wish you luck. You lost a LOT more weight than the extra body fat that you lost. You lost whatever she weighed and the weight of her conditional, superficial expectations. Congrats again!
If your name really IS Jason like your handle says then you are an exceptional human. I think it would be few and far between for men to say such a kind thing. Please keep posting kind things and positive things too. The world NEEDS light wherever we can get it from🖤
@RipRoarinRedneck0311 no hes a simp. The truth is the husband diddnt want to bring it up, probably felt bad for feeling the way he did. The moment he does, numpties like you try to make the argument that how she looks physically shoudlnt matter when it just does.
“hE lOsT HiS fUn wIfE” uhhh and she lost all body autonomy, her own body and health and hormones and emotions, SHE is forever changed and he’s too superficial to love her the way she is NOW. I’m still breastfeeding my 2 year old and it’s nearly impossible to lost the last ten pounds. My husband makes me feel sexy and loved every single moment we’re together. He’s never made an offhand comment about my weight even when I was huge nearing the end of pregnancy. I could never get over the way my husband treated me during postpartum if I were her.
My husband is my biggest cheerleader, always makes me feel treasured and attractive, even when I think I look terrible. It would break my heart to hear him say he didn't find me attractive anymore because I put on weight. Maybe this guy had good intentions (🤔), but if he did, he went the WRONG WAY about it.
Genuine question : If my wife gains weight and I do find that unattractive, how do I talk about it? Do I talk about it? How can I be honest and should I be honest? And if I shouldn't be honest how long can I keep lying about my feelings? We're constantly hearing about how communication is the key and being open is the key, but how do we do that if opening up results us being seen as superficial, judgemental and stuff?
@@Duloooo you accept it because you’re a man and your wants and needs don’t matter. How dare you expect to be treated like a human being with sentience? Work harder. Having expectations of women isn’t fair because some other desperate dude out there won’t require them and will boink her. I’m being facetious, but this is really how many women think and why they defend each other’s BS and excuses. They literally can’t see men as people with wants, dreams, hopes, and desires, just servants to team woman.
@@Duloooo That's a really thoughtful question. I think it depends a lot on what the circumstances are. Where I'm coming from--and it sounds like the caller in this video is coming from a similar place--is difficulty losing weight after childbirth, and potentially having other medical issues that have caused weight gain. Pregnancy is really hard on you, both physically and psychologically. I have given birth to 6 kids, and after the last one my body has held onto an extra 20ish pounds and just doesn't seem to want to let go. I am very self-conscious about it. With a new baby to take care of (and in my case, several other children as well), it can be hard to find time for self-care and exercise. Not to mention, stress and sleep deprivation raise your cortisol levels and can make it nearly impossible to lose weight no matter what you do. Postpartum depression is a huge factor at play for many women, as well. I think in this situation, the husband should have said, "How can I support you right now getting back in shape and feeling better? I love you and I want you to feel your best." Or "Hey, I was thinking maybe we can start working out together and eating better so we can both be at our best." Rather than, "I'm not attracted to you anymore, and you're not hitting the weight loss goals I have set for you, which is disappointing." One of those responses is supportive and loving. The other has added the crushing burden that your husband thinks you look bad to the mix of exhaustion, postpartum hormones, and self-consciousness, and shame about your body. It also piles on more stress and pressure for the wife to hurry up and lose weight, which exacerbates the issue. There are definitely times when maybe we need to be more blunt with our partners about their health. But it requires some tact, especially when it involves physical appearance, and always needs to come from a loving and supportive perspective, not a selfish one. Honestly, I'd venture to say that even if your wife has put on 50lbs eating twinkies and being a couch potato, telling her she is ugly will not get you the results you desire and will just make her spiral. BTW, this all applies to husbands, too. My husband has gained weight on and off throughout our marriage, but I can't imagine ever telling him he wasn't attractive to me anymore--even if he might be MORE attractive when he is slim and fit. I care about his health, and I do what I can to support his healthy eating, encourage him when he wants to work out, and tell him how much I love him and how handsome he is daily (and he does the same for me!). Build your partner up, don't cut them down. Anyway, that turned into a novel. Bottom line, honestly is integral in a healthy relationship, but you can have honesty and also have tact, be loving, considerate, and kind--and get better results. Having a mindset of "how can I serve my partner and support them" makes all the difference.
@@chris-gx7rsstop trying to generalize, in this situation this woman loves this man unconditionally even when he tells her things like “I’m not attracted to you because you’ve gained weight.” The man is in the wrong here.
@@AA-jt8xn Love is not unconditional. For one reason or another you love someone, and those reasons are the conditions. For most women before even starting to consider someone for the prosect of dating the guy needs to be a certain height, have a certain look, dress a certain way, make a certain amount of money, have certain political views, have certain religious affiliations, have indicators of wealth such as a house or a car, be funny, be charming, be charismatic, be a leader, be assertive, have a certain level of fitness, be competent, learn your partner's wants and needs, and not do the unspoken and arbitrary "icks." And that's the bare minimum. People in general do not love unconditionally. And it's well documented in branches of biology, anthropology and psychology that women especially don't love men unconditionally.
You say this but women are 10 times shallower than men. I will not be surprised if the caller is actually à lot less attractive than the husband (before the weight gain.). Its crazy that you say such nice things but your actions are very different. Disturbing is the right word to describe this. So disturbing.
I am confused by Dr. John’s advice here. In an old call, a husband called in about his wife’s weight gain and John’s response was “I guess we know you only love your wife with conditions” I don’t understand why this husband gets a pass of “he just missed his wife.” No. He only wants a wife that serves him. It’s not love.
Dr. John’s advice is often inconsistent across episodes, and often even inconsistent within individual conversations. I frequently have trouble tracking his psycho-conceptual word salad. I’d be so confused if I called into this show because he’s always shifting frames and alternating between vilifying the caller and vilifying the people in their lives based on basically no information.
My wife and I both gained weight over the last 10 years. Lots of stress, I feel like garbage about my weight gain and from my wife's comments about herself, we both feel the same about ourselves. We talked about it. We started taking steps to start moving back in the right direction. It's tough.
You got this bro. Start small, don't set unachievable goals for you. Find something that you guys enjoy doing together. Roller blading is a ton of fun. You got this brother 💪
I was 290lbs starting my second weight loss journey November 20, 2022. Started walking 5-10 minutes, 2-3 times a week, stopped drinking soda pop, and eating til I was full, not stuffed. I'm down to 160lbs today. You can do it without depriving yourself of any foods. I never stopped eating the foods I had before just quit soda pop (which was HARD).
What a compassionate and understanding husband you are. Your wife got a real partner when she found you. It sounds like you both love and support each other.
The way she talks about her husband "not seeing the results we want" geeesh that's tough. Can you imagine working and taking care of a baby and him talking about "results?" Not sleeping is a huge reason for weight gain, so i really hope she does tell him she needs him to help nights. Also... john is so kind and optimistic... my gut is telling me husband has someone on the side 🤷♀️
@@JoeJohn-ww1du no where in this video is anything mentioned about the delegation of childcare. It's not mentioned so there is nothing to say what he is or isn't doing.
@@VIOLETheavenBeenMyHandle right, so unless otherwise specified, we rightly assume that since both parents are married and under the same roof, their parenting of the child is equal between the two of them. Which begs the question, why aren't you condemning the ignorant lass who wrongly stated moms doing most everything?!? Because for those of you who haven't had kids inside of a marriage (you I'm assuming, and the "lady" above), both parents take care of that kid at a 110 percent each. Also in 99 percent of cases being out of shape is due to laziness, eating to much, and eating at the wrong times.
@@JoeJohn-ww1du you're making a judgement on me. I'm a married mom of 3. Every marriage has its challenges. What you think is common place of shared childcare and household duties happening is just not true. The majority of problematic marriages I have witnessed have the man working, paying bills but when it comes to child raising and home care they slack and lack. I understand working hard and needing a break, but wives are commonly burnt out. The economy isn't helping matters. Husband is stressed and needs a sanctuary home. Wife is burn out post partum struggle ignored. Mental health ignored. So she is unable to even care for herself- let alone create that sanctuary environment for him.
@VIOLETheavenBeenMyHandle if being a stay at home mom has you burnt out and feeling like it's to much, then you've got problems, and it isn't your husband. If things still need done around the house when he gets home from work, and you are expecting him to help with those things, then you're either really lazy, or you're purposely trying to cause trouble. And I can definitely say this as due to medical issues, I had the pleasure of being stay at home dad for a little over a year, with two children, a baby and a two year old. I was able to get all housework done within 3 to 4 hours every day. Every guy I've talked to that also got to be stay at home dad had similar experiences. It was the most relaxing, wonderful, easiest going time of my life. I loved it. And even though my wife barely helped out with the kids and such, I never thought of her as "not pulling her weight", seeing that we were a team doing our best in our given jobs and duties. Plus she was working 10 hour shifts each day, like I was before we had to switch places. So you got problems lady, and it's definitely not your husband, whom you should be thankful for. And yeah, I'm judging you because I can....🤣
I‘m confused on how many people comment about losing the weight. I thought Dr delony established that the issue runs deeper and the weight is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. Or have I lost the plot here? To me it seemed like the husband was overall not satisfied with the whole situation since they have a child because their relationship changed
Well that’s his take, also though it’s been my experience that getting back on track w/ exercise + diet just makes me more of a joy to be around to my family. It seems like the reason extra weight feels unattractive is that it’s a visual symptom that there are problems.
I'm not a professional so this is purely opinion but rarely would a man bring up weight to a wife or girlfriend if it wasn't truly an issue. That's a sensitive topic for most woman. Dangerous waters tbh. Men are visual creatures and with all the (literally) unrealistic standards of woman being fed to us nonstop on every media outlet, it's only getting worse. Constant filtered videos and pictures have made people forget what "normal" and "real" are.
@@jessicataylor1930 same here I’m no professional, maybe also unpopular option but it seems to me the husband is struggling and expressing this „you‘re letting yourself go“ to the wife because he feels the relationship has changed since the baby. Which it does naturally always. The wife’s focus isn’t on her husband anymore but on the child. This is totally normal biological behavior but many men struggle to come to terms with that.
@@jessicataylor1930 The irony is, most guys really don't have unrealistic expectations. Don't be overweight, be pleasant, be feminine and 90% of men are good. It's actually women who push the unrealistic standards because they're in competition with each other.
@@alkalinesalinaThat last part is exactly right. I complained to my husband about how tired I am (our daughter is 3 weeks old) and he had the audacity to complain that since she was born he has to make his breakfasts AND lunches AND then also has had to make dinner after he's had a full day at work (of note: he'll only ever make Kraft Dinner, not actually cook a proper meal). I responded that he's welcome to stay home with the baby instead and I can go back to work, but apparently we're not doing that. 🤷
Another reason for me to stay single... I already hate the way I look, I can't imagine how devastating it must be to hear my husband said he's not attracted to me anymore because I gain weight from pregnancy and childbirth.
It's devastating. My exhusband said almost the very same thing, after I had my son. I never got over it. He told me he wasn't attracted to me and was embarrassed to be seen with me.
After I had my second kiddo, I became very, very skinny which led to me losing my breasts and butt and I have some loose skin around my belly button. I also have hormonal issues now amongst other issues which results in occasional unsightly cystic acne. My husband still tells me I’m beautiful and loves on me. Nothing has changed. In fact, he’s told me that changes to my body, like the loose skin on my stomach, is beautiful because it’s a result of me having his babies. Don’t settle, ladies. Real men will love you and be attracted no matter what.
None of those are a choice. Gaining 40lbs is. Gaining that much weight is a sign of total loss of self control, and carelessness for yourself and your spouse.
Not everyone gains a lot of weight or keeps it for years after pregnancy. The bar is in hell for women. Responsible women care about maintaining attractiveness throughout a long term relationship
Hormones, sleep deprivation, worries and fears expanded...having a child CHANGES YOU! It takes work! God bless those who forgive themselves and others❤❤❤
@@user-qp2qe5gf9bthis husband sounds like he is trying to help and not criticize. Being honest is not criticism, he loves her enough to communicate his true feelings and desires, that’s a good thing.
Mooney, yes! And women, let’s be honest. We know when we were looking fine.😋He found it attractive, too! So instead of excuses, let’s be our very best selves, mentally, physically, and spiritually today. If not, it will hurt us and our marriages.❤
@@Evil-Rod-Farvareally? You are full of educational comments aren't you. The reason you don't see all of this in single mothers is because they aren't out flaunting themselves about town, they are working and caring for their children.
None of those things cause weight gain. They might make it harder to stay a healthy weight but stop spreading misinformation. You women all want excuse to balloon up. You never See men making these silly excuses for being fat. Stop using "ShEs a MoM" as an excuse either.. you're dismissing all the moms out there that lost and maintained their health weight. Weight gain isn't a natural sign of aging either.
My ex husband was on me about my weight. I was 5'7" and 124 pounds at 23 years of age. Had never dieted in my life, just naturally slender, healthy and active. I ended up hospitalized with bulimia a few years later... Looking back, I still don't understand why he thought I needed to lose weight. There's a reason he's my ex...
This is all too common I see. I feel for these women because our weight fluctuates so often. I gained 60 pounds after my pregnancy, including a severe diastasis recti, and my husband still touches me and kisses me like he always has. He knows how self conscious I am about it, but he hasn’t changed. I’m so blessed. I feel for this woman because she sounds like such a nice person
Your weight shouldn't fluctuate unless you're pregnant. My wife hasn't fluctuated weight more than 10lbs in 12 years of being together. She is very aware of what she says and more importantly HOW MUCH she eats. 50 years ago this wasn't an issue because people weren't obese back then.
@ right, but because of hormone shifts, environmental factors, aging, autoimmune diseases, certain medications ect… people, especially women are struggling with weight issues unfortunately
I wonder how she felt when her husband said it. She seems very good-spirited about self-improvement, but if my husband told me that, it would’ve hurt pretty badly. Dr. John quickly jumped to perhaps it being the symptom of something more longstanding, but she might need to sit in it for a while. Going from a wonderful romantic life to them telling you you’re unattractive must be awful.
I gained 60lbs and kept that on for years, thank god my husband was not like this to me because if he did I would have left. I lost the weight and am back to a healthy fit weight and he gets the benefit of it now because he stayed by me during that time. He has now gained quite a bit of weight and I am giving him that same grace.
After I started dating my partner, I started eating more carbs as I started matching his more carb-heavy diet. And I've never done well with eating a lot of carbs, so I gained 30lbs in the first 2 years and then maintained that weight for a couple years. I've felt down about myself at times, but my partner never made me feel like he's any less attracted. I wouldn't blame him for being less attracted - attraction isnt something we can 100% control and is partially dependent on looks. But if he was any less attracted, it would be news to me. Because love and compassion aren't dependent on looks. He never stopped telling me that I'm beautiful. I recently went low carb and I've now lost that 30lbs over the last 6 months. And he compliments my progress toward my goals but never makes it about being more attractive than when I was heavier. This isn't to say couples can't have serious talks about health outcomes, which are tied to lifestyle and somewhat to weight. But I would be pretty sad if I had a kid and health issues that caused weight gain (btw, I don't think 40lbs is even THAT much) and my partner addressed the issue from an attractiveness standpoint.
similar situation. My husband is a super picky eater, big on meat and carbs. I began to compromise my diet so that we could eat together, gained 10-15 lb, and have been completely unable to shed it. The silver lining is that now I'm pregnant and everything he likes makes me sick, so we've started eating separate meals and I'm eating much healthier. New stage of life, I put my scale in a closet. I'm focusing on health, not the number. I'll get back to worrying about that later I'm sure 😅
Being married is not a licence to gain weight. Women also loose attraction for overweight husband; so much that comments and adjustments are openly and regularly discussed, it becomes normal conversation for women when his weight gets out of his control. I see it all the time.
@@jth_printed_designs I agree, but acting like everyone should be perfect all the time is silly. "Well you shouldn't have done X, Y, or Z in the first place," isn't going to change the past. Focusing on correcting and learning from our mistakes to create a better future is the only thing that we can control.
Umm.... Its very valid for a husband to be concerned for his wife's health (physically and mentally), but I'm not comfortable with the terms she using here. "Pushing me to be better" "isn't happy with where I'm at in my goals". I feel John is giving him way too much credit here as a husband who simply misses his previous lifestyle and is focusing on the weight as a measurement of that. Seems to me he has some unhealthy attitudes about women and she has bought into them, and Is allowing his insensitivity, becoming super critical upon herself. I personally would be concerned that if he cannot non judgementally work through some weight gain, I wouldn't be able to rely upon him in illness and aging???? Sounds like he has control issues and a very distorted view of what love is. Don't feel John dug deep enough into this.
Fing false. There are no red flags with the husband. See, women hate how men "say things". No...he has a standard and she is failing that standard. She has a standard for him as well. Only one person is failing here. Welcome to equality women....
How is wanting your wife to be sexually attractive unhealthy? 40 lbs is a lot of weight, especially for women whom have smaller frames. In a boxing match that’s four weight classes. You show me a man unattracted to his wife and I’ll show you a failing marriage. This guy being frank and direct is far more healthy than pretending he’s ok with it.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT THIS!!!!! so well worded. I'm disappointed he didn't go deeper into this. This isn't about where she is at with motherhood. It's about having a partner through ALL of it regardless.
Start looking at his hair line when he's talking to you. Tell him it's receeded a lot since you first met him. Bonds should be far deeper than aesthetics.
My ex said something similar to me after I had kids, but it was just to be mean because he had already moved on to a hot younger woman that I was unaware of and he had no intention of staying with me. It was said to make it easier for him to leave, so he could put blame on me for not being as attractive as I was when we were in our 20's & 30's. I feel for her and I hope her and hubby are able to work through it and he hasn't moved on.
My wife has gained much more than 40 lbs, and I still am very attracted to her. It is her attitude and they way she speaks to me that has made her unattractive to me.
I know a few men this happened to… they were still physically attracted to their wives but they had become rude and verbally aggressive and that stopped any kind of affection
Happens all the time. She’s miserable because she knows she’s not doing the work and punishes you because you tolerate it. You guys have to have some boundaries and respect for yourself. Your needs matter too. If you’re in the same boat you need to hit the gym and motivate her.
So she has a baby and medical issues, he tells her hes not attracted to her anymore, and the advice for her is to lose weight and start her marriage again from scratch? Some of the advice here was useful, but i think its jumping to conclusions to assume this man is not a selfish jerk who is not all in to the marriage the way she is
I notice a lot of men project onto their wives and blame them when they are afraid or overwhelmed, etc. Maybe his expectations are unrealistic, now that he is a parent.
@@dudeorduuude5211Where is the projection? What exactly is he projecting? So, let me straight: The woman asked her husband for criticism, and he was brutally honest. While it might not be the main issue, it's a symptom of a deeper problem. Most men understand weight gain during pregnancy, but they also want to maintain the playful, romantic energy, and physical attraction in the relationship. The husband wasn't rude; he simply responded when asked. They could tackle the weight gain as a team, strengthening their bond. With kids, the dynamic of the relationship changes, often draining the fun and energy. Couples should prepare for this mentally and redefine their relationship goals. Blaming the husband won't solve anything. Attack the argument. She sought this information because she sensed a change in their relationship's energy. While some may argue that certain things are better left unsaid, how can issues be resolved if they aren't acknowledged? Trust me, she wants this outcome because what would have came down the line in a few years would have been detrimental to the family. This nuke can be detonated.
Sounds like good advice...stop pushing me, because i know i want to change. Here is what i need from you this week...This will truly show you whether your husband is actually amazing or not.
It's pretty shitty to not even dig into the husband not getting "the results he expects" with regards to her weight. Instead makes the assumption that it's really not about her weight.
He's probably thinking "I lost 10 lbs easily by doing XYZ..." and fails to realize it's much harder for women to lose weight. The hormones are really tough when they resist you lol
This is one of the best videos i have seen from John. He hit the nail on the head with this one. Identified all the actual issues and removed the sugar on her words. Great Video
Agree, I was really amazed how fast he was able to get to the core of the problem from something, seemingly, completely else. Wow. This programme is really great.
I like John’s thoughts on this. The only issue I have though is if she can gain 40lbs from health issues and suddenly it becomes an issue, he is not going to stay for the long term. As someone else said, people tend to gain weight, lose mobility, get wrinkles etc as they age. If someone is only interested in the young person they married then it’s not prudent for someone to marry them
Lets flip the script. Lets say the husband loses his job because he’s missing deadlines and being lazy. Should we make excuses for that man and tell his wife she needs to accept him as a loser, or do we tell him to get it together? There’s a stark difference between normal aging and being undisciplined. She’s undisciplined.
@@Evil-Rod-Farvaand her blaming her weight gain on medical issues, the fact she didn't specify leads me to believe it's her blaming her pregnancy for it. I think she's trying to let herself go, and she's getting push back from her husband, which is understandable.
Ok, so let’s say she loses the weight. Won’t she become paranoid that this can never happen again for fear of repeating this cycle? That’s a huge burden to carry…that his perception of her will always be something she has to consider when making daily choices. That is not fair. He could have encouraged healthier habits without destroying her self esteem with that one statement.
If she becomes paranoid then that's a separate mental issue that needs to be addressed. You can be totally insane and still lose weight if you eat in a caloric deficit over an extended period of time, weeks to months. I will say that losing weight will not necessarily, if ever, fix mental problems, but losing weight is as easy as eating in a caloric deficit.
@@SarahConnor562yeah and no, I’m female and go to the gym frequently so most people in my life would consider me lean/fit, when it comes to the female anatomy especially when having children it could be significantly harder to lose weight because a) our bodies naturally store more fat for child bearing. b) hormones, hormones can actively work against weight lose like women who have PCOS. Yea habits and slight change of lifestyle could help but it’s not easy. Personally I would never have/want kids I love my body too much to sacrifice it for a child, but I sympathize with women who decide to bare children knowing the effects it could have on their bodies, and that’s a sacrifice they’re making for them selves and their spouses. Anyways to summarize this, being a mother is tolling on the body and mind.
Not just that. He doesn't find her attractive as before cause of weight, what happens if she manages to keep off the weight but in years to come, she will also become old one day and so will he. If it's mainly about looks for him, he will lose attraction eventually anyway. Just wondering if he's the perfect specimen himself and how he's planning to stay that way for her?
I know a girl - similar story but Boyf (not hubby). He pressured her… and she lost the weight and realized her problem wasn’t the weight - it was the guy! She dumped his ungrateful behind, thankfully! The guy she dated next adores her to this day: they have been married over a decade and have 5 children together.
I understand that it's a short phone call, but Dr. Delony didn't address that hormones can be crazy for years after having a baby. Dr. Delony said that the weight will take care of itself with her calorie tracking and exercise, but if there's a hormone issue, lower calorie intake doesn't necessarily add up to weight loss or gain. It's not always, calories in, calories out. She stated that the weight gain was due to a medical issue very early in the call. Caller, please see a hormone specialist to see if your levels are out of whack after having a baby (I bet they are). I'm sure your cortisol levels are through the roof being a new mom! Working on regulating your hormone levels with a medical provider might be the solution to the problem. I appreciate Dr. Delony's advice on this call with all the other talking points. Great call!
I was just thinking that! 🤣🤣🤣 This is why the FIRST thing that happens when women leave their stupid husbands is lose the weight. They are usually the PROBLEM.
Probably hate his life because his wife is already so out of control of herself that she’ll let her body dictate her lifestyle and emotions and say “oh well, hormones” “can’t help it” “a new season of life”. He’ll wonder where his wife went and why he stopped mattering to her - and he’ll remember the time when she gained a bunch of weight and blamed him for not embracing “her” because she didn’t manage it.
Been married 18 years, one year after we got married, my husband told me that he was not attracted to me. Still married, no touch, no physical contact, sleep in different rooms since then.
My wife has gained weight over our 35 year marriage. I'm so much in love with her i don't care. I love having her on my arm wherever we go. Proud that she's mine.
Hearing her say "We have not been seeing the results" makes my heart break. There is no we, It's all about you. What you need, what you deem necessary and what is best for you. Get healthy for you....hugs.
@@bobby9192 You probably have healthy hormones, congratulations. I used to be able to eat anything and everything, then I got some mysterious illness and I have gained weight despite eating a lot less, it's probably due to the stress, pain and the lack of sleep. I'm still at a normal weight, but some aren't as lucky as you and I.
Ugh 😭 Women are so resilient. Even in light of her circumstances she still chooses to take it on and create change. You are amazing wifey! You deserve the world x
He must just shut up and not say anything, how about that?? Some things are better left unsaid. Rather suggest you both go on a health journey together. Take walks with her, make her a smoothie bowel after a whole night of taking care of the baby. She just had a baby for goodness sake! If your marriage is dependent on your spouse’s weight please don’t get married. You people are getting married for the weirdest reasons that’s why the divorce rate is so high!
@@ItsMeYourfavorite7 lol you jumped to conclusion. First off depending on the wait gain its health too. And u assumed both partners are unhealthy. For me working out didn't working out with my worth did work because being in the army i had to do all my workouts and try and do 3-5 with her a week. My point is this can be approached better. For me i talked about her being able to do the things she use to and wants to?
I like the way he talks. He can say his thoughts without caring much but at the same time there is no pressure on the other person to agree. Obviously I’m not explaining that properly, but it is very educational for me.
It isn’t entirely about weight but it also isn’t about her either. We’re focusing on her, but for her husband to behave this way and it not be touched on is baffling.
I have gained weight recently and found out that I have hypothyroidism. She didn’t reveal her medical issue but losing weight can be almost impossible with certain medical issues.
Thats nice to say, but your physical health heavily impacts your relationship. Someone who's choosing poor health is making bad choices for their partner
@@alexandermagnus82 the woman just had a child and has a medical issue for goodness sake! If you don’t want someone who can fall pregnant then be with a MAN!!!!!
The comments are really bad this video. The biggest issue here isn’t that she gained 40lbs. The issue is that he lost attraction over weight gain. That means he probably was mostly attracted to her because she was thin, not her attitude or anything else about her appearance. When you get married, I’m assuming that means you don’t loose attraction for vain things. Especially since the weight was from having HIS child. Idk, doesn’t sit right with me. I’m thin but I had gained about 20lbs at some point and my boyfriend didn’t care, he was just as attracted, and still was after I lost those extra pounds.
Men and women are attracted to different things. Looks tend to be way more important to men. It’s no different than how many women lose attraction for their husband if he gets fired and chooses to sit around on the couch for several months.
@@trevalin456 you’re still missing the point. His attraction to his wife shouldn’t solely be because of her weight. Just like a woman shouldn’t be attracted solely because of a lot of money. You don’t marry someone on the condition that the one thing you’re attracted to stays the same.
If you actually listened to John's words and what he said to her, the weight gain is the easy crutch in the video. As someone who is working hard to lose weight as well, I can tell you that the biggest changes that have worked for me were my mentality and psyche during the weight loss. I have changed a lot on how I both view myself and also my relationship to things, and the person that gained the weight was a toxic person that was not a contributor to myself or my relationships. The context mattered. John dug into some issues that she had (control issues, issues with insecurity, etc) and those are relationship killers. It's not about the weight, it's about how she gained the weight and the context around her behaviours. The motherhood could have just been the catalyst.
Absolutely!. There is more behind the weight. Always is. Sometimes it is even a symbol for the state of whole relationship, not only for the state one person is in.
The symptoms of the conversation she can’t get over - forget looks and weight gain - TRUST after you say words to each other, is the issue. His words will always be in her mind, hard to rebuild that TRUST.
If he’s not attracted to you after weight gain, he never loved you for you. Period. You deserve better than him and better than dr John telling you that you are at fault. You are not at fault!
Jumping up 3-4 boxing weight classes isn’t a fluctuation. Adding 40 lbs onto a 5’4” female frame while still young isn’t trivial. It’s a warning. I’ve lost 40 lbs and I’m significantly larger than that and it completely changed my body.
@@vaska1999 this lady is not currently pregnant 🤦♂️ She was pregnant 1.5 years ago. That is more than ample time to lose 40 lbs. My wife did it in 6 months. Hormones aren’t the problem with most women, Hostess is.
@@Evil-Rod-Farva Not everyone loses weight at the same rate, and most lactating women find their weight loss impossible to very slow. Besides, this lady mentioned a health issue that's arisen since her pregnancy.
No wonder she feels anxious and insecure. Her husband punishes the caller by withdrawing affection altogether when her weightloss stalls! And, as happens every now and again, Delony completely missed that.
Divorce & do 50/50 custody. She’ll only have to take care of herself & her kid half the time. Losing weight will come naturally or at the very least be WAY easier without all that stress & devaluation.
From my own experience, and it took me far too long, I found that when I feel confident and beautiful the weight comes off so much easier. If I need a few new clothes, I buy them at my current size so that I can feel good about myself. If I lose weight quickly I can donate practically new clothes to the women's shelter. If it takes longer than I want, it just means I still feel beautiful. This is compared to when I used to think I didn't deserve new clothes because I was overweight. When I felt gross, overweight, and more than unattractive, I felt ugly. I would say things to myself that I would NEVER say to another living soul, under any circumstances. It took some work, and there are still days where I still need to remind myself. Youll be surprised what a difference it will make. Confidence makes such a difference! I'll tell you a secret...fake it 'til you make it. I've had several of my guy friends tell me that there is nothing as sexy as a confident woman - regardless of their size! You're an amazing woman, even if you don't feel it right now. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to call in and bear your soul, but you did! You got great advice and help from Dr. John and everone that saw this show is rooting for you! Sending you love and positive vibes!😊🤗🥰
Im so sorry for her. I have same issue. You cant win with these husbands. They are narcs and will pick on you with everything. You cant win. I found it hard to lose weight my husband would tease me and then when i lost all the weight he picked on me on that too. I hope karma comes to husband and he gains lots of weight
Poor woman is dealing with health complications and under 2 years postpartum as a new mom, and this man decides to tell his wife in the middle of all that, he’s not attracted to her anymore??! Awful.
My ex used to talk about my weight all the time but he also blamed me for anything going wrong. Long story short it's been 7 years since we called it quits and he has gained much weight but he always has something to say when his kids zoom call him while they have a small plate of food infront of them. It's sad really.
You have a child with an immature man, you’ll have to grow up and be selfLESS for the rest of your life, and nothing about his life changes. He doesn’t have to grow up. And you’re “not fun anymore.”Partly bc you’re BUSY with the physical and emotional work of raising a human being(s) (that they are not busy with) and then partly bc now you have less respect for him bc…he’s not in it with his whole heart either. He’s still selfish and immature and you can’t be attracted to a man you don’t respect. This is so common. This guy sucks! And this advice sucks, sorry. He’s also salty cause he doesn’t get all her attention anymore. You gotta watch some of these men out here being jealous of their own children. They are dangerous, won’t bring anything but pain. Their ego will still float bc they’re “paying the bills” but they still are bringing nothing else but pain. Everyone in his house will always have that empty feeling the rest of their life, why am I not good enough? Not interesting enough to keep dad’s attention? Bc dad only likes shiny new interesting things and doesn’t understand love.
In reading many comments on here, it seems you all have not listened well to the call. As a woman in a very similar situation as her who is overcoming the actual problem; the real issue is NOT the weight gain, but something much deeper (please, listen carefully to the call!).
The husband is not here to verify or deny the discussion, though. He might agree, but he might also stick to his guns and say he’s just not attracted to her at this weight even if the other things are ‘fixed’. This entire conversation was speculation and heresay about what he really thinks. May not be true at all.
If the husband says the weight is the problem, that’s the problem and you start there. Men can’t negotiate an erection. If you’re not attracted to something, you just aren’t. Many men simply don’t get sexually aroused by overweight women. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that’s the reality. This man isn’t being cruel by telling his wife this. He would be cruel by lying and being resentful/cheating.
I was just told by my husband the same exact thing and I am trying to process and do better with my health. This is the most difficult thing I have gone through.
John was pretty off base with this session. The language this woman used to describe how her husband is “loving” (I.e being pushed, not attractive, not seeing the results we want, etc.) sounds like a dominating jerk. These are HIS demands which he places on her. John’s obsession or bias on eating healthy and working out played too much here. She needs to feel good about herself. She sounds so alone.
Nope, that's what you wanted to hear, that's not what happened. Women really need to get it through their head that almost all men will.lose attraction to you if you gain substantial amounts of weight and they arent at fault for doing so.
I wonder if she's still breastfeeding? A lot of women find it near impossible to lose weight while breastfeeding no matter what they do and as soon as they wean it drops right off.
I’ve never heard of this issue before, I breastfed both kids and lost the weight immediately as it contracts your uterus back down, breastfeeding also increases your metabolism to make the milk and you’re constantly hungry trying to keep up with it. From my personal experience breast feeding Never made it difficult to lose the weight it helped, but I will also like to point out is that I didn’t gain a bunch of fat while pregnant, some swelling from fluid yes, and big babies yes. But No fat gain really
Breastfeeding currently and the weight will not come off. Aside from the initial loss immediately post partum, I've plateaued. I do not over eat, I take daily walks with my little one strapped to me and nada!
@@elettramia6380 it's not true for everyone, but I have a lot of friends who found it to be true for them. I kind of had it both ways. I initially dropped weight and was about 30 pounds lower than my pre-pregnancy weight within two months of giving birth, but then I slowly gained it back and haven't been able to lose it. I weaned at 20 months just over a week ago and I'm currently six months pregnant so obvious I'm not trying to lose weight, but it's shocking how much my appetite has decreased in the last week now that my body isn't trying to keep two babies alive.
I guess every body is different. Managing weight with hormonal fluctuations can be hard. It’s so unfair to see all these people comment „just do a diet it’s not that hard“ and most of them probably never gave birth before.
@@StormChaser_xoxojust keep doing what you're doing and you'll get there eventually. I had to come to the realization that reaching my goal weight in five months rather than twelve months wasn't worth the risk of losing my milk supply and not being able to feed my baby.
Carnivore diet. 40lbs fell off in 90 days for me even with Hashimotos metabolic issues. Strict. Grass fed beef, OMAD, avoid dairy/spices when possible. Vibration plate daily. But do it for you - not for a spouse who isn't crazy about you for you through all phases of life ❤ 😊
“The math will take care of itself.” Oh the lies of diet culture. I have been dealing with food and body issues for decades. After years of weight cycling I lost over 100 pounds and maintained 12 years. The obsession with eating healthy, over exercising and outward appearance was incredibly unhealthy. When Covid hit the stress made it impossible for me to keep my rules and my body protected me by triggering bingeing to bring me out of self imposed famine. I thought my husband would feel like he got a raw deal because I had regained the weight. He said that our marriage has never been based on appearance. I have learned so much about the lies of diet culture. I am working with professionals to heal from my eating disorder. Thin does not equal healthy. But believing that creates a lot of shame. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to learn these painful lessons but at least I didn’t spend my whole life feeling shame over my body. I still have time to live in the body I have and enjoy the life I have free from external rules that were making me miserable. Letting go of the ideal but unachievable has been healing.
Ugh. Saying that a person isn't attractive anymore is so hurtful. I don't know if I would ever get over that comment. My fantasy comeback to a husband that said that to me would be to hit a gym and get my body back to hot; and then leave him in the dust for some steaming hunk of a man. lol!
My husband said that to me, not because I had gained weight but because I was pregnant. Now that I'm no longer pregnant, it's like he thinks it doesn't matter that he said it and is acting like everything is right in the world again. But I'm still scared and can't trust him, and I will not consider having another child with him because I can't bear the idea of spending another pregnancy feeling abandoned and alone and unloved.
So in your fantasy you’re willing to lose the weight after you leave the marriage as revenge, but you’re not willing to lose the weight during the marriage to keep the attraction strong. Got it 👌
@@trevalin456 No, I would lose the weight as an FU to an insensitive SOB, and I'd leave him right then and there and tell him to go find his bliss. I wouldn't look back either.
I agree that it's not all about her weight. My mom lost a bunch of weight, and gained a ton of confidence back when I was a teenager, and my dad still left her.... So it's not always about the weight.
This woman is allowing/encouraging herself to be in a daddy/daughter relationship. She is turning herself into a little girl because when she was a little girl her dad’s addiction kept her from having a male parent so now she married herself a parent …….only he is supposed be a HUSBAND!!!!! She feels like a “baby girl” not a WOMAN to me.
It's never about the weight. There is a deeper problem. I had gained weight myself and felt awful about myself. I lost all the weight, really worked hard on myself, went above and beyond. Im in better shape now than I was when we got married. Im very fit. It hasn't made any difference at all. He is not interested in me at all and isn't interested in changing or working toward an intimate relationship. I think our relationship has deep isdues, and weight was an excuse
i don't know if my story is relevant or not but i want to share it, i was in deep depression due to various reasons being family issues, financial family problems, relationship issues where i was suspecting of my ex cheating but he manipulated or gaslighted me (i found out for certainly with evidence that he was cheating later on after a few months), etc hence i developed some eating disorders where either i couldn't eat an adult portion or if i ate even a little i would vomit it all or start vomiting in the middle of eating, it also made me repulsive to even sit down to eat no matter how hungry i felt, all of this made me lose weight significantly and i became a thin stick like creature, my ex always commented subtly how i "needed to gain weight" "have lost my masses" "oh my god u r thinner than u were a week before what the hell happened, the same thing?" "come on eat healthy, u just don't take care of yourself ", "i don't like how thin u are (as in being attractive)" he wouldn't say anything which was straight up offensive but was subtly demeaning while knowing about all my circumstances nd when i refuted that i am dealing with depression and trying real hard taking meds, exercising etc he was like "u don't have enough will or why are u not consistent " some people might understand that in this phase when u try, there are times when u feel like giving up and the consistency breaks it's not so easy as it's like pushing yourself out of a dark place to somewhere u don't even know for sure if u will get better (all this while he didn't even once get my anything nutritious like fruits, dry fruits, something homecooked etc by himself, only a few times some coconut water when i got so sick that i couldn't buy it myself and i urged him for hours to get me) at one point it became such that he would comment on my weight and bones at least once every time we talked, it broke my self confidence a lot i am still recovering
When my husband and I met I was tiny. I gained more than a hundred pounds in had three babies and he has never been less attracted to me. Not once. I’ve lost the 100 and gained a few back and I’m miserable in my skin. When I’m at my lowest I borrow his love for me. I’m sorry that he said this to you. 😢
This goes for men and women - if you can’t handle someone’s body changing…don’t marry them. You obviously don’t love them enough. If you can’t handle someone gaining weight don’t marry them. I think people forget in sickness and in health. Someone once told me some wise advice… “humour lasts, looks dont”.
I wrote a comment under one of Delony’s videos with a similar premise, but the husband had called in. Despite a wave of negative replies on that post, I still haven’t changed my mind. I cannot love and respect someone who will no longer love me or treat me well because I gained weight due to pregnancy and illness. I see these women trying, but love, care, and kind treatment are contingent upon reaching whatever milestone the husband has in his head. It might be my cue to opt out of marriage and motherhood. (Before people start crucifying me in the comments, I’m exercising 6 days a week and have lost 40 pounds in a year and counting. When someone is doing the work, kicking them when they are low is vile.)
"Hes always lifting me up" it doesnt sound like it :/ telling her he has lost attraction and wishes she would lose weight is one thing but treating her with less love and putting timeline demands on her weightloss is CRAZY
Both sides have to do their best to take care of themselves to maintain attraction. Losing attraction sucks but if you mention it, that emotional damage is irrecoverable. Bedside manner is critical
Fair of the husband to be straight up about his feelings, but damn idk how you can do that to your wife. You have to know that saying it out loud will devastate her for years to come. Even if she does lose weight and you become atrracted to her again, how is she supposed to feel about the bedrock of your relationship? It's a tough spot to be in when you lose attraction to youe spouse, but I don't think saying "you gained weight and I'm not attracted to you anymore" is ever going to be the right course of action.
Can we please start talking to the loves of our lives with gentleness and not selfishness? Don’t say “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” Don’t even lie and say “I need to get into the gym why don’t you come with me?” Unless that is actually true. Do say “Love, I am concerned because I want to have every minute of this life I can with you. I want you to live life to the fullest too. How can I help you?” And if in that process you find out it’s medical love them through that. Remove the idea that because it’s easy for you, it should be easy for them.
So she’s halfway to losing all the weight she gained and he’s not seeing the results he hoped for? It’s not like she’s not doing anything. She’s halfway there. These things take time. It’s not good enough to him? I’ll be blunt, he’s not supportive. That’s obvious. Most people who care for their partner would be supportive if they see their partner working on their health, weightloss or whatever. He’s not happy. It’s not unhappiness with her weight alone. It’s deeper than that. He’s now a married dad and in the grind. It’s probably not what he pictured. It’s tedious, boring, monotonous. So he’s focusing on her weight because he’s unhappy and probably wants a way out. Most people aren’t going to stick around when their partner is clearly unhappy with them for whatever reason. I get it, gaining weight is unhealthy. No one will argue that.
I could see if it was 100lbs and if it was due to lifestyle choices. Some people are legitimately repulsed by morbidly obscurity and a lifestyle that it takes to get that way…especially if they were never that way. It would be like being with someone totally different than you married. Illness, pregnancy, etc isn’t the same
2:45 “He needs to learn about cultural competency because it’s not by design.” A tier ignorant comment by the shows host. Typical statement to appease his female audience and shame the men. First of all, it is by deign. The science is clear that men ON AVERAGE are not attracted to obese women. Some men are for weird fetish reasons but that’s about it. Being obese is healthy and can be a sign of poor health. Secondly, even if most men were attracted to obese women (which they’re not), you don’t know the woman’s husband well enough to dictate to him that he himself isn’t built or designed that way. He knows himself better than you do and he knows what he’s attracted to. That’s like saying most women wanting tall men is a cultural thing and not by design. It is. Actors most if not all cultures women will on average go for men taller than they are when given a chance.
So I am sure many in the comments have their own perspective on this issue. I also have my opinion! It is one thing to be physically attracted to someone and another to truly love them. I would literally hope that their relationship was built on more than physical attraction. If her husband only married her because of physical attraction this marriage will ultimately fail. We will all at some point in our lives experience physical problems including age. Life can be very complicated and hard and many things happen. We all need to be realistic about how life happens. We need to be more intentional about how to work through the rough times. Often what happens in a relationship is one or both don't know how to deal with the current situation. It is important to be honest, sincere, and compassionate as you traverse difficult things. Don't claim to love someone and marry them if you're not all in no matter what happens. If you genuinely love someone you can do a lot of things that will help them and build your relationship without telling them they are unattractive. Stop manipulating and start loving unconditionally.
So John has pointed out that she’s a perfectionist and she has stated that she has a husband who’s “wonderful,”who she “doesn’t deserve,” because he’s always pushing her to be better. The cruelest thing you can do to a perfectionist is criticize them. I really feel like John got this call wrong.
She could be telling my story! I gained 40 lbs during a lung illness. The inability to be as active, medicine and being scared led me to that point. My ex-husband brought up my weight and what I ate every single day. He refused to go to the doctor with me because he thought I was making excuses. As I got better I lost weight. On the day I was at my 20 lb loss mark, he flipped out on me and told me he didn’t sign up for a fat wife, and if I didn’t get it together he was leaving me. He didn’t even realize I was halfway down. It was never about the weight. He didn’t respect or love me.
💯
💔💔💔
Wow… that is awful! I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad he is now an ex.
I’m sorry that happened to you. ❤ sometimes women don’t sign up to be married to a d*ck. But sometimes that’s where you land. I’m so sorry.
You deserve better!! True attraction is to who you are, not what weight you are. People gain and lose weight ALL the time throughout life. May your ex turn into a fat old man so he knows what it's like to be treated disrespectfully. People like that need a taste of their own medicine. I'm so sorry this happened to you! You're amazing no matter what weight you are. You are capable and can do anything you put your mind towards. Glad you cleansed the toxicity out of your life.
I gained some weight after having two kids and my husband NEVER changed the way he was with me, ever. I feel
really bad for her.
I agree with you, BUT, attraction matters. And the way you take care of your body is a reflection of what’s going on inside too. This is nuanced of course, but as a man, I also feel for him too if deep down she’s stopped caring for herself like she used to. It definitely isn’t an easy thing! Takes worth from both partners to navigate this sensitive thing.
@@justinstewart3248maybe she stopped because she had his child, is a mother now, that's what happens to mothers... Some man are so ungrateful.
@@justinstewart3248 oh, absolutely Justin, looks matter, for men in particular ( hm just the physiology for the intimate act for you guys to work, not so much for women, they do not have to be stimulated to have sex, they might not enjoy it but they will do their duty).
After 25 years of marriage my hubby decided to tell me that he is not attracted to me anymore as my thighs lost their sculptured look, I had a bit of orange peel look on them, I did not gain weight, I was just entering the perimenopause stage of life. My response was: well, dear if you want a younger version of a lover you need to trade me in for a better model.We are both ageing, this is what it is, you either accept this fact or you do something about it. He never tackled this topic again. It will be our 52nd aniversery next month.
@@justinstewart3248you’re supposed to attracted to who she is, not how much she weighs. Also may shock you: women’s purpose isn’t to be attractive for men
@@justinstewart3248attraction is more than looks. He should appreciate the sacrifice his wife made for him by risking her life giving him a child. He's got a lot of growing up to do if his priority so soon after having a child is that she needs attractive for him again. I wonder what you'd think if your father said that to your mother when she was changing your nappies.
People shouldn't get married if a loss of attraction can sink your relationship. Somebody's going to get sick, injured, old, that's life.
It’s more than a loss of attraction. It’s the increase in bills (medical, water, electric, groceries, after a certain point you may need to accommodate them with a bigger bed or create ramps, get a large toilet, etc.). There’s also the looks you get in public, the self esteem issues both in yourself and with your partner that you need to deal with, and there’s the fact your kids could be affected too.
Nobody needs to be paper thin, you can be chunky, husky and soft, but if managing your weight is too difficult then you’re choosing to put additional pressure on your relationship.
You don't have control over sickness, injury, or age. You do have control of your weight, and it's not difficult. It requires a bit of basic self-discipline, that's it.
This is bullshit BOTH partners should stay the way they were when they got married or as close as possible
Sometimes I wonder if you people even listen to what Dr. John is saying... There's more to it than just the title!
@@cristianmota3811 Not possible especially when one has kids. The woman will gain weight. It will be harder to lose if she works full time and is the care giver parent.
If he has money and can allow her to have a nanny and work on herself she will lose it.
“The results HE HAS SET FOR ME” immediately sent me over the edge. At so many points in this conversation, we BLEW past red flags and crashed right into a wall. The language she uses is so subtly self-deprecating and defensive of him. “I appreciate his constructive criticism…”
This is not judgement. I was IN this relationship. This is not okay. Love is not conditional. You are amazing and strong. Mother’s bodies are supposed to change. You beautiful mother, I hope you are able to feel amazing just as you are right now ❤
How is wanting to be physically attracted to your wife unacceptable? A wife and husband should not only be able to make healthy, honest demands of each other, it should be encouraged that they do so.
This guy is being honest about what he wants. Would it be better if he pretended it wasn’t a problem? Visual physical attraction is a huge deal for men in a way that it’s not for women. A couple being mutually attracted is essential for a lasting marriage and therefore a lasting family.
Also, it’s not like 40lbs is a little bit of weight, it’s a lot, especially on a woman.
Women: we want men to be honest with us
Women when men are honest with them: 😮
Yeah he completely missed the point here. I’m sure she didn’t put the weight on over night and it’s going to take time for it to come off. How much time depends on so many things and he had no right to expect “results”. Gradual healthy weight loss is not immediately noticeable and when you see that person every day it’s easy to overlook . I’ve lost 25 lbs in the last year and looking at myself in the mirror I hardly see a difference but I look at pictures from a year ago and the difference is immediately noticeable . If he wanted her to go on a crash diet and hurt herself then he doesn’t care about her he cares about what she does for him.
That was troubling for me as well
@@midnitemrmidnite8695We want good men so when they say the truth it's something nice.
I was married to a weight- and image-obsessed man-boy who controlled my every bite as soon as our second (and last) child was born. He continually told me “just a few more pounds” until I was nearly 30 lbs underweight, anemic, and had lost a lot of hair. Even at that weight, he told me I needed to lose just a few more pounds to look good enough that he’d stop preferring other women. I started sneaking food at that point and knew without a doubt that his issues were about HIM and not my weight.
Guess what happened years later when I decided to pull myself together and leave his abusive @$$. I got super fit and gained the confidence to improve my life in other ways, he was a miserable jerk with a double chin and a soft dad bod, and he went completely off his rocker. It WAS his problem all along.
Bravo!
It is terrible abuse
I'm so glad you left him
Why do women only ever “pull themselves together and get super fit” after they leave their significant other? If you did that in the first place none of that trauma would’ve happened
@@Tyyjutsu You don’t know what it’s like to be chronically tortured by an abuser, do you? I was in a situation exactly like Mica Miller’s, but for 2 decades. I was fit and active when the abuse started and remained thus until, after 15 years of constant coercive control,my HPA axis was completely derailed. Besides the forced starvation early on, my asshole ex-husband sabotaged every single effort I made to care for myself, keeping me up all night and then sleeping all day while I was at work so he could be well-rested to keep me up again. Controlling my access to money and transportation. Tracking my every communication. Needling me and creating a chaotic and noisy home environment so that I was forced to study late at night in my car. He was screwing around with other women and, I suspect men, back when I was in a ripped bod and taking care of home, kids, and him. I had to get away in order to care for myself. Husband #2 is a gem and supports my self-care, and i’m younger-looking and by far healthier than I was a decade ago when I first left the creep. I’m praying for any woman who has the misfortune of partnering with a male like you.
It’s clear to me that some of the people here in the comments either A) are NOT married, or B) live in delulu land. 🙄
The issues with the call go far deeper than just weight.
No, she was probably hot at one point and now she’s not
@@bobby9192no one stays hot forever. We all age we all gain weight as we age and we all get illnesses that stop us from being active as we once were. Sorry but ur meant to love ur life partner no matter what. I bet he's not all that either!
@@laurajomcnaughton853 I bet he’s better looking than her. Men age better than women especially after that trap birthed a kid.
Again, attacking people who are not married. Please understand that most of the lack of understanding actually occurs within married people. Please stop marginalising those who are not married. We are often much much better people.
@@bobby9192I can tell you’re exactly what this comment stated. Young and dumb or chronically single lmao. My partner was very fit until he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The steroids made him gain weight, his left eye is no longer functional. He doesn’t look like he did when we got together but I still love and want him all the same.
The red flags are glaring. He is noy supporting her, he's using therapist's language to manipulate her, funny how often therapists miss that.
Come on now. She got fat and rested on her laurels. She is responsible to her husband first and foremost. Parents raise kids together.
How is wanting to be physically attracted to your wife unacceptable? A wife and husband should not only be able to make healthy, honest demands of each other, it should be encouraged that they do so.
This guy is being honest about what he wants. Would it be better if he pretended it wasn’t a problem? Visual physical attraction is a huge deal for men in a way that it’s not for women. A couple being mutually attracted is essential for a lasting marriage and therefore a lasting family.
Also, it’s not like 40lbs is a little bit of weight, it’s a lot, especially on a woman.
@@jimmydean767240lbs is nothing! That's literally 18kg, that's not a lot at all! She could be 70kg now, where she was 52kg before. That's average for a woman. We don't know how much she weighs now at all. If she gained 50kg now that would be obesity and a cause for concern, 18kg is nothing especially after pregnancy and illness.
@@jimmydean7672women (actually, just humans in general) naturally gain weight as we age, especially in pregnancy. if a man expects to grow old with and have children with his wife, it’s preposterous to expect her to look the same as she did when she was younger and not a mother. 40 pounds is so minuscule when it’s spread across a whole body, it’s maybe a change from xs to medium. the issue is that 1) she said her weight gain was due to medical issues, so he seems to be more concerned about his attraction to her than her health, 2) that small size change shouldn’t alone all of the sudden make the woman you decided to be with the rest of your life unattractive, and 3) she said something like “i’m not meeting the goals he set for me”. that’s insanely controlling. if they’d sat down and said “yeah we’ll start cooking these healthy dinners and go to the gym together” that’d be wonderful, but it’s not put that way at all.
I remember that line from the Bible, love your wife, unless she porks up… what book was that in again?
He’s mad at her for gaining weight due to illness and that her results aren’t as fast as he wants? This is sick. This dude sucks
She's hiding behind an alleged illness to avoid accountability
But he’s amazing!
Where are you getting "mad" from? The guy properly communicated with his wife, lovingly, and let her know he's lost sexual attraction to her. Because of her getting out of shape. That's normal, sexual attraction is not spousal love, they're totally different. You ladies don't want open, free communication in a relationship, you want to be lied to, and you wrongly expect your SO to still be sexually attracted to you even if you've totally let yourself go, and have turned into a Lizzo - the biggest of all dinosaurs...😅
When did she ever say he was mad at her lol
@@JustOne-qe7jl If he wants results fast ' then pay for surgery imo.
Yeah my wife left me because I was a "disgusting fat guy." Well. I'm not any more and she still sucks. It ain't the fat.
I like your name
Good for you brother. I notice none of the ladies are daring to comment on your statement, as it would show their hypocrisy.
What were you going through at the time? Injuries, illnesses, stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can have such an effect. I hate that she didn’t clock that. I’m sorry that she was so superficial. It’s hard to get back in shape. Doing that now myself. Congrats on taking care of yourself. I wish you luck. You lost a LOT more weight than the extra body fat that you lost. You lost whatever she weighed and the weight of her conditional, superficial expectations. Congrats again!
There are so many superficial evil women out there. True Love should be conditional. It is beyond emotions, physical, or financial benefits.
@@JoeJohn-ww1duDid you miss the point?
She sounds so sweet. I bet she is a great mom. Her husband needs to reevaluate his priorities.
She needs to lose the weight
If your name really IS Jason like your handle says then you are an exceptional human. I think it would be few and far between for men to say such a kind thing. Please keep posting kind things and positive things too. The world NEEDS light wherever we can get it from🖤
This! 👏
@RipRoarinRedneck0311 no hes a simp.
The truth is the husband diddnt want to bring it up, probably felt bad for feeling the way he did. The moment he does, numpties like you try to make the argument that how she looks physically shoudlnt matter when it just does.
How could you guess so easy, you can't judge people this fast and easy
“hE lOsT HiS fUn wIfE” uhhh and she lost all body autonomy, her own body and health and hormones and emotions, SHE is forever changed and he’s too superficial to love her the way she is NOW. I’m still breastfeeding my 2 year old and it’s nearly impossible to lost the last ten pounds. My husband makes me feel sexy and loved every single moment we’re together. He’s never made an offhand comment about my weight even when I was huge nearing the end of pregnancy. I could never get over the way my husband treated me during postpartum if I were her.
🎯
My husband is my biggest cheerleader, always makes me feel treasured and attractive, even when I think I look terrible. It would break my heart to hear him say he didn't find me attractive anymore because I put on weight. Maybe this guy had good intentions (🤔), but if he did, he went the WRONG WAY about it.
Genuine question : If my wife gains weight and I do find that unattractive, how do I talk about it? Do I talk about it? How can I be honest and should I be honest?
And if I shouldn't be honest how long can I keep lying about my feelings?
We're constantly hearing about how communication is the key and being open is the key, but how do we do that if opening up results us being seen as superficial, judgemental and stuff?
@@Duloooo you accept it because you’re a man and your wants and needs don’t matter. How dare you expect to be treated like a human being with sentience? Work harder.
Having expectations of women isn’t fair because some other desperate dude out there won’t require them and will boink her.
I’m being facetious, but this is really how many women think and why they defend each other’s BS and excuses. They literally can’t see men as people with wants, dreams, hopes, and desires, just servants to team woman.
@@Duloooo That's a really thoughtful question. I think it depends a lot on what the circumstances are. Where I'm coming from--and it sounds like the caller in this video is coming from a similar place--is difficulty losing weight after childbirth, and potentially having other medical issues that have caused weight gain. Pregnancy is really hard on you, both physically and psychologically. I have given birth to 6 kids, and after the last one my body has held onto an extra 20ish pounds and just doesn't seem to want to let go. I am very self-conscious about it. With a new baby to take care of (and in my case, several other children as well), it can be hard to find time for self-care and exercise. Not to mention, stress and sleep deprivation raise your cortisol levels and can make it nearly impossible to lose weight no matter what you do. Postpartum depression is a huge factor at play for many women, as well. I think in this situation, the husband should have said, "How can I support you right now getting back in shape and feeling better? I love you and I want you to feel your best." Or "Hey, I was thinking maybe we can start working out together and eating better so we can both be at our best." Rather than, "I'm not attracted to you anymore, and you're not hitting the weight loss goals I have set for you, which is disappointing." One of those responses is supportive and loving. The other has added the crushing burden that your husband thinks you look bad to the mix of exhaustion, postpartum hormones, and self-consciousness, and shame about your body. It also piles on more stress and pressure for the wife to hurry up and lose weight, which exacerbates the issue.
There are definitely times when maybe we need to be more blunt with our partners about their health. But it requires some tact, especially when it involves physical appearance, and always needs to come from a loving and supportive perspective, not a selfish one. Honestly, I'd venture to say that even if your wife has put on 50lbs eating twinkies and being a couch potato, telling her she is ugly will not get you the results you desire and will just make her spiral. BTW, this all applies to husbands, too. My husband has gained weight on and off throughout our marriage, but I can't imagine ever telling him he wasn't attractive to me anymore--even if he might be MORE attractive when he is slim and fit. I care about his health, and I do what I can to support his healthy eating, encourage him when he wants to work out, and tell him how much I love him and how handsome he is daily (and he does the same for me!). Build your partner up, don't cut them down. Anyway, that turned into a novel. Bottom line, honestly is integral in a healthy relationship, but you can have honesty and also have tact, be loving, considerate, and kind--and get better results. Having a mindset of "how can I serve my partner and support them" makes all the difference.
Caller .. I am so sorry. You deserve love no matter what you look like. That is so sad.
Well if women don't love there men unconditionally why should men love there women unconditionally
@@chris-gx7rsstop trying to generalize, in this situation this woman loves this man unconditionally even when he tells her things like “I’m not attracted to you because you’ve gained weight.” The man is in the wrong here.
But yet women are way more judgmental and picky about looks. Proven with studies too.
@@AA-jt8xn Love is not unconditional. For one reason or another you love someone, and those reasons are the conditions.
For most women before even starting to consider someone for the prosect of dating the guy needs to be a certain height, have a certain look, dress a certain way, make a certain amount of money, have certain political views, have certain religious affiliations, have indicators of wealth such as a house or a car, be funny, be charming, be charismatic, be a leader, be assertive, have a certain level of fitness, be competent, learn your partner's wants and needs, and not do the unspoken and arbitrary "icks." And that's the bare minimum.
People in general do not love unconditionally. And it's well documented in branches of biology, anthropology and psychology that women especially don't love men unconditionally.
You say this but women are 10 times shallower than men. I will not be surprised if the caller is actually à lot less attractive than the husband (before the weight gain.).
Its crazy that you say such nice things but your actions are very different. Disturbing is the right word to describe this. So disturbing.
I am confused by Dr. John’s advice here. In an old call, a husband called in about his wife’s weight gain and John’s response was “I guess we know you only love your wife with conditions”
I don’t understand why this husband gets a pass of “he just missed his wife.”
No. He only wants a wife that serves him. It’s not love.
Dr. John’s advice is often inconsistent across episodes, and often even inconsistent within individual conversations. I frequently have trouble tracking his psycho-conceptual word salad. I’d be so confused if I called into this show because he’s always shifting frames and alternating between vilifying the caller and vilifying the people in their lives based on basically no information.
@@sarab5507 The way I interpret "villifying the caller and people in their life" Is that we're exploring avenues of personal accountability together!
Agree. I think he’s totally off on this one. Her husband is mean and selfish and just wants this poor woman to be some perfect ideal that she isn’t.
Yall are not worthy of love
@@Joe-iq1bu That comment boost your self worth?
My wife and I both gained weight over the last 10 years.
Lots of stress, I feel like garbage about my weight gain and from my wife's comments about herself, we both feel the same about ourselves. We talked about it. We started taking steps to start moving back in the right direction.
It's tough.
You got this bro. Start small, don't set unachievable goals for you. Find something that you guys enjoy doing together. Roller blading is a ton of fun. You got this brother 💪
Proud of you! Its a blessing to struggle together and then work together for a solution.
I was 290lbs starting my second weight loss journey November 20, 2022. Started walking 5-10 minutes, 2-3 times a week, stopped drinking soda pop, and eating til I was full, not stuffed. I'm down to 160lbs today.
You can do it without depriving yourself of any foods. I never stopped eating the foods I had before just quit soda pop (which was HARD).
What a compassionate and understanding husband you are. Your wife got a real partner when she found you. It sounds like you both love and support each other.
It's beautiful that you both are doing it together, even If it's slow and difficult... that's brilliant
The way she talks about her husband "not seeing the results we want" geeesh that's tough. Can you imagine working and taking care of a baby and him talking about "results?" Not sleeping is a huge reason for weight gain, so i really hope she does tell him she needs him to help nights.
Also... john is so kind and optimistic... my gut is telling me husband has someone on the side 🤷♀️
You do realize he's taking care of that baby as much as she is, right?!? Because you should.
@@JoeJohn-ww1du no where in this video is anything mentioned about the delegation of childcare. It's not mentioned so there is nothing to say what he is or isn't doing.
@@VIOLETheavenBeenMyHandle right, so unless otherwise specified, we rightly assume that since both parents are married and under the same roof, their parenting of the child is equal between the two of them. Which begs the question, why aren't you condemning the ignorant lass who wrongly stated moms doing most everything?!? Because for those of you who haven't had kids inside of a marriage (you I'm assuming, and the "lady" above), both parents take care of that kid at a 110 percent each. Also in 99 percent of cases being out of shape is due to laziness, eating to much, and eating at the wrong times.
@@JoeJohn-ww1du you're making a judgement on me. I'm a married mom of 3. Every marriage has its challenges. What you think is common place of shared childcare and household duties happening is just not true. The majority of problematic marriages I have witnessed have the man working, paying bills but when it comes to child raising and home care they slack and lack. I understand working hard and needing a break, but wives are commonly burnt out. The economy isn't helping matters. Husband is stressed and needs a sanctuary home. Wife is burn out post partum struggle ignored. Mental health ignored. So she is unable to even care for herself- let alone create that sanctuary environment for him.
@VIOLETheavenBeenMyHandle if being a stay at home mom has you burnt out and feeling like it's to much, then you've got problems, and it isn't your husband. If things still need done around the house when he gets home from work, and you are expecting him to help with those things, then you're either really lazy, or you're purposely trying to cause trouble. And I can definitely say this as due to medical issues, I had the pleasure of being stay at home dad for a little over a year, with two children, a baby and a two year old. I was able to get all housework done within 3 to 4 hours every day. Every guy I've talked to that also got to be stay at home dad had similar experiences. It was the most relaxing, wonderful, easiest going time of my life. I loved it. And even though my wife barely helped out with the kids and such, I never thought of her as "not pulling her weight", seeing that we were a team doing our best in our given jobs and duties. Plus she was working 10 hour shifts each day, like I was before we had to switch places. So you got problems lady, and it's definitely not your husband, whom you should be thankful for. And yeah, I'm judging you because I can....🤣
Imagine being married 11yrs and your husband stops showing affection because you've gained weight... this sounds like a nightmare.
I could never stay with someone like that goodbye
My ex husband gained a bunch of weight a few months after our marriage and I was so disgusted. I didn’t want him on me he smelled bad too.
uh. pretty common🤣 don't think relationships aren't conditional. they are...
It happens should heard the guy who called in because his wife didn't find him attractive because of his weight gain
Taking care of yourself is attractive to both sexes. People aren't attracted to overweight people watching tv for 12 hours.
I‘m confused on how many people comment about losing the weight. I thought Dr delony established that the issue runs deeper and the weight is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. Or have I lost the plot here?
To me it seemed like the husband was overall not satisfied with the whole situation since they have a child because their relationship changed
Well that’s his take, also though it’s been my experience that getting back on track w/ exercise + diet just makes me more of a joy to be around to my family. It seems like the reason extra weight feels unattractive is that it’s a visual symptom that there are problems.
I'm not a professional so this is purely opinion but rarely would a man bring up weight to a wife or girlfriend if it wasn't truly an issue. That's a sensitive topic for most woman. Dangerous waters tbh. Men are visual creatures and with all the (literally) unrealistic standards of woman being fed to us nonstop on every media outlet, it's only getting worse. Constant filtered videos and pictures have made people forget what "normal" and "real" are.
@@jessicataylor1930 same here I’m no professional, maybe also unpopular option but it seems to me the husband is struggling and expressing this „you‘re letting yourself go“ to the wife because he feels the relationship has changed since the baby. Which it does naturally always. The wife’s focus isn’t on her husband anymore but on the child. This is totally normal biological behavior but many men struggle to come to terms with that.
@@jessicataylor1930 The irony is, most guys really don't have unrealistic expectations. Don't be overweight, be pleasant, be feminine and 90% of men are good. It's actually women who push the unrealistic standards because they're in competition with each other.
@@alkalinesalinaThat last part is exactly right. I complained to my husband about how tired I am (our daughter is 3 weeks old) and he had the audacity to complain that since she was born he has to make his breakfasts AND lunches AND then also has had to make dinner after he's had a full day at work (of note: he'll only ever make Kraft Dinner, not actually cook a proper meal). I responded that he's welcome to stay home with the baby instead and I can go back to work, but apparently we're not doing that. 🤷
Another reason for me to stay single... I already hate the way I look, I can't imagine how devastating it must be to hear my husband said he's not attracted to me anymore because I gain weight from pregnancy and childbirth.
I'm sure you look fine. I don't like the way I look either.
It seems marriage/relationships are not easy.
It's devastating. My exhusband said almost the very same thing, after I had my son. I never got over it. He told me he wasn't attracted to me and was embarrassed to be seen with me.
Men have unrealistic visions of women and they never grow up about it...dont have kids with any man
@reneen- I’m glad he’s your ex. Now go do it for you.
After I had my second kiddo, I became very, very skinny which led to me losing my breasts and butt and I have some loose skin around my belly button. I also have hormonal issues now amongst other issues which results in occasional unsightly cystic acne. My husband still tells me I’m beautiful and loves on me. Nothing has changed. In fact, he’s told me that changes to my body, like the loose skin on my stomach, is beautiful because it’s a result of me having his babies. Don’t settle, ladies. Real men will love you and be attracted no matter what.
So what's going to happen when you start getting wrinkles, grow white hair, move slower, get sick?
Not allowed if you’re a woman
He’ll cheat on her with whatever barely legal teen he can groom
None of those are a choice. Gaining 40lbs is. Gaining that much weight is a sign of total loss of self control, and carelessness for yourself and your spouse.
@@Alexius1Komnenosshe was pregnant weight gain during pregnancy isn’t exactly optional. So your comment make zero sense.
Not everyone gains a lot of weight or keeps it for years after pregnancy. The bar is in hell for women. Responsible women care about maintaining attractiveness throughout a long term relationship
Hormones, sleep deprivation, worries and fears expanded...having a child CHANGES YOU! It takes work! God bless those who forgive themselves and others❤❤❤
@@user-qp2qe5gf9bthis husband sounds like he is trying to help and not criticize. Being honest is not criticism, he loves her enough to communicate his true feelings and desires, that’s a good thing.
All of which seem to disappear when women are single. Magic ain’t it?
Mooney, yes! And women, let’s be honest. We know when we were looking fine.😋He found it attractive, too! So instead of excuses, let’s be our very best selves, mentally, physically, and spiritually today. If not, it will hurt us and our marriages.❤
@@Evil-Rod-Farvareally? You are full of educational comments aren't you. The reason you don't see all of this in single mothers is because they aren't out flaunting themselves about town, they are working and caring for their children.
None of those things cause weight gain. They might make it harder to stay a healthy weight but stop spreading misinformation. You women all want excuse to balloon up. You never See men making these silly excuses for being fat. Stop using "ShEs a MoM" as an excuse either.. you're dismissing all the moms out there that lost and maintained their health weight. Weight gain isn't a natural sign of aging either.
I would love to see what this dude looks like.
Bald with a pot belly.
Why? Are you angry at him that he isn’t attracted to fat chicks. You realise how stupid that sounds? Everyone has the right to have standards
my first thought exactly 😂
And what she looks like! The way he treats her, you'd think she's morbidly obese, but I bet the weight gain isn't even that bad.
My ex husband was on me about my weight. I was 5'7" and 124 pounds at 23 years of age. Had never dieted in my life, just naturally slender, healthy and active. I ended up hospitalized with bulimia a few years later... Looking back, I still don't understand why he thought I needed to lose weight. There's a reason he's my ex...
This is all too common I see. I feel for these women because our weight fluctuates so often. I gained 60 pounds after my pregnancy, including a severe diastasis recti, and my husband still touches me and kisses me like he always has. He knows how self conscious I am about it, but he hasn’t changed. I’m so blessed. I feel for this woman because she sounds like such a nice person
Your weight shouldn't fluctuate unless you're pregnant. My wife hasn't fluctuated weight more than 10lbs in 12 years of being together. She is very aware of what she says and more importantly HOW MUCH she eats. 50 years ago this wasn't an issue because people weren't obese back then.
@ right, but because of hormone shifts, environmental factors, aging, autoimmune diseases, certain medications ect… people, especially women are struggling with weight issues unfortunately
I wonder how she felt when her husband said it. She seems very good-spirited about self-improvement, but if my husband told me that, it would’ve hurt pretty badly.
Dr. John quickly jumped to perhaps it being the symptom of something more longstanding, but she might need to sit in it for a while. Going from a wonderful romantic life to them telling you you’re unattractive must be awful.
Ya and going from finding your spouse attractive to not being attractive must be awful to.
I lost 50 lbs reached ideal weight. It didn’t make any difference period!
Exactly 💯 it will always be another excuse
Was it 125 pounds or 225 pounds for your ideal weight?
What has he done after that?
Your ideal weight....? What is that?
@@justinsmith4618Healthy weight
I gained 60lbs and kept that on for years, thank god my husband was not like this to me because if he did I would have left. I lost the weight and am back to a healthy fit weight and he gets the benefit of it now because he stayed by me during that time. He has now gained quite a bit of weight and I am giving him that same grace.
After I started dating my partner, I started eating more carbs as I started matching his more carb-heavy diet. And I've never done well with eating a lot of carbs, so I gained 30lbs in the first 2 years and then maintained that weight for a couple years. I've felt down about myself at times, but my partner never made me feel like he's any less attracted. I wouldn't blame him for being less attracted - attraction isnt something we can 100% control and is partially dependent on looks. But if he was any less attracted, it would be news to me. Because love and compassion aren't dependent on looks. He never stopped telling me that I'm beautiful. I recently went low carb and I've now lost that 30lbs over the last 6 months. And he compliments my progress toward my goals but never makes it about being more attractive than when I was heavier. This isn't to say couples can't have serious talks about health outcomes, which are tied to lifestyle and somewhat to weight. But I would be pretty sad if I had a kid and health issues that caused weight gain (btw, I don't think 40lbs is even THAT much) and my partner addressed the issue from an attractiveness standpoint.
similar situation. My husband is a super picky eater, big on meat and carbs. I began to compromise my diet so that we could eat together, gained 10-15 lb, and have been completely unable to shed it. The silver lining is that now I'm pregnant and everything he likes makes me sick, so we've started eating separate meals and I'm eating much healthier. New stage of life, I put my scale in a closet. I'm focusing on health, not the number. I'll get back to worrying about that later I'm sure 😅
40 pounds is a ton unless you are already obese.
Being married is not a licence to gain weight. Women also loose attraction for overweight husband; so much that comments and adjustments are openly and regularly discussed, it becomes normal conversation for women when his weight gets out of his control. I see it all the time.
@@jth_printed_designsCaptain Obvious enters the chat with a day late and a dollar short.
@@jth_printed_designs I agree, but acting like everyone should be perfect all the time is silly. "Well you shouldn't have done X, Y, or Z in the first place," isn't going to change the past. Focusing on correcting and learning from our mistakes to create a better future is the only thing that we can control.
Umm.... Its very valid for a husband to be concerned for his wife's health (physically and mentally), but I'm not comfortable with the terms she using here. "Pushing me to be better" "isn't happy with where I'm at in my goals". I feel John is giving him way too much credit here as a husband who simply misses his previous lifestyle and is focusing on the weight as a measurement of that. Seems to me he has some unhealthy attitudes about women and she has bought into them, and Is allowing his insensitivity, becoming super critical upon herself. I personally would be concerned that if he cannot non judgementally work through some weight gain, I wouldn't be able to rely upon him in illness and aging???? Sounds like he has control issues and a very distorted view of what love is. Don't feel John dug deep enough into this.
Fing false. There are no red flags with the husband. See, women hate how men "say things". No...he has a standard and she is failing that standard. She has a standard for him as well. Only one person is failing here.
Welcome to equality women....
How is wanting your wife to be sexually attractive unhealthy? 40 lbs is a lot of weight, especially for women whom have smaller frames. In a boxing match that’s four weight classes.
You show me a man unattracted to his wife and I’ll show you a failing marriage. This guy being frank and direct is far more healthy than pretending he’s ok with it.
This exactly what I think too
I completely v agree with you. Husband seems incredibly selfish to me.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT THIS!!!!! so well worded. I'm disappointed he didn't go deeper into this. This isn't about where she is at with motherhood. It's about having a partner through ALL of it regardless.
Start looking at his hair line when he's talking to you. Tell him it's receeded a lot since you first met him. Bonds should be far deeper than aesthetics.
😂😂
Pretty brainless comment. Being fat is a choice losing your hair isnt
😂😂😂😂😂
That’s a ridiculous comparison. She can lose the weight
@@mattcoorey2580he can get a hair transplant or wig.
My ex said something similar to me after I had kids, but it was just to be mean because he had already moved on to a hot younger woman that I was unaware of and he had no intention of staying with me. It was said to make it easier for him to leave, so he could put blame on me for not being as attractive as I was when we were in our 20's & 30's. I feel for her and I hope her and hubby are able to work through it and he hasn't moved on.
My wife has gained much more than 40 lbs, and I still am very attracted to her. It is her attitude and they way she speaks to me that has made her unattractive to me.
I know a few men this happened to… they were still physically attracted to their wives but they had become rude and verbally aggressive and that stopped any kind of affection
You can’t get another woman to be attracted to you, that’s why
Happens all the time. She’s miserable because she knows she’s not doing the work and punishes you because you tolerate it.
You guys have to have some boundaries and respect for yourself. Your needs matter too.
If you’re in the same boat you need to hit the gym and motivate her.
Yikes, how does it feel to have no balls?
@@Evil-Rod-FarvaNot everything in life is about looks.
So she has a baby and medical issues, he tells her hes not attracted to her anymore, and the advice for her is to lose weight and start her marriage again from scratch? Some of the advice here was useful, but i think its jumping to conclusions to assume this man is not a selfish jerk who is not all in to the marriage the way she is
@lschizzle... Hear! Hear!!! 👏👏👏
I notice a lot of men project onto their wives and blame them when they are afraid or overwhelmed, etc. Maybe his expectations are unrealistic, now that he is a parent.
She would lose the weight if she could.
It's literally not easy for most people.
Who would choose obesity if they had a choice.
@@dudeorduuude5211Where is the projection? What exactly is he projecting? So, let me straight: The woman asked her husband for criticism, and he was brutally honest. While it might not be the main issue, it's a symptom of a deeper problem. Most men understand weight gain during pregnancy, but they also want to maintain the playful, romantic energy, and physical attraction in the relationship. The husband wasn't rude; he simply responded when asked. They could tackle the weight gain as a team, strengthening their bond. With kids, the dynamic of the relationship changes, often draining the fun and energy. Couples should prepare for this mentally and redefine their relationship goals. Blaming the husband won't solve anything. Attack the argument. She sought this information because she sensed a change in their relationship's energy. While some may argue that certain things are better left unsaid, how can issues be resolved if they aren't acknowledged? Trust me, she wants this outcome because what would have came down the line in a few years would have been detrimental to the family. This nuke can be detonated.
@@sungearMost people do have a choice and they choose to put more food into their mouth xD
Sounds like good advice...stop pushing me, because i know i want to change. Here is what i need from you this week...This will truly show you whether your husband is actually amazing or not.
It's pretty shitty to not even dig into the husband not getting "the results he expects" with regards to her weight. Instead makes the assumption that it's really not about her weight.
Agreed.
It can take a year to lose 40lbs. He probably wanted it in 12 weeks or he is laying the foundation to leave.
@@FoodieBeautyStan Year? It took me almost 2 years to build muscle and lose 5kg of fat.
He's probably thinking "I lost 10 lbs easily by doing XYZ..." and fails to realize it's much harder for women to lose weight. The hormones are really tough when they resist you lol
what do you think it's about?
This is one of the best videos i have seen from John. He hit the nail on the head with this one. Identified all the actual issues and removed the sugar on her words. Great Video
Agree, I was really amazed how fast he was able to get to the core of the problem from something, seemingly, completely else. Wow. This programme is really great.
I like John’s thoughts on this. The only issue I have though is if she can gain 40lbs from health issues and suddenly it becomes an issue, he is not going to stay for the long term. As someone else said, people tend to gain weight, lose mobility, get wrinkles etc as they age. If someone is only interested in the young person they married then it’s not prudent for someone to marry them
Lets flip the script. Lets say the husband loses his job because he’s missing deadlines and being lazy.
Should we make excuses for that man and tell his wife she needs to accept him as a loser, or do we tell him to get it together?
There’s a stark difference between normal aging and being undisciplined. She’s undisciplined.
@@Evil-Rod-Farvaand her blaming her weight gain on medical issues, the fact she didn't specify leads me to believe it's her blaming her pregnancy for it. I think she's trying to let herself go, and she's getting push back from her husband, which is understandable.
Ok, so let’s say she loses the weight. Won’t she become paranoid that this can never happen again for fear of repeating this cycle? That’s a huge burden to carry…that his perception of her will always be something she has to consider when making daily choices. That is not fair. He could have encouraged healthier habits without destroying her self esteem with that one statement.
If she becomes paranoid then that's a separate mental issue that needs to be addressed. You can be totally insane and still lose weight if you eat in a caloric deficit over an extended period of time, weeks to months. I will say that losing weight will not necessarily, if ever, fix mental problems, but losing weight is as easy as eating in a caloric deficit.
Not being fat is a good thing. We ALL should be paranoid/committed to being healthy.
@@SarahConnor562yeah and no, I’m female and go to the gym frequently so most people in my life would consider me lean/fit, when it comes to the female anatomy especially when having children it could be significantly harder to lose weight because a) our bodies naturally store more fat for child bearing. b) hormones, hormones can actively work against weight lose like women who have PCOS. Yea habits and slight change of lifestyle could help but it’s not easy. Personally I would never have/want kids I love my body too much to sacrifice it for a child, but I sympathize with women who decide to bare children knowing the effects it could have on their bodies, and that’s a sacrifice they’re making for them selves and their spouses. Anyways to summarize this, being a mother is tolling on the body and mind.
Not just that. He doesn't find her attractive as before cause of weight, what happens if she manages to keep off the weight but in years to come, she will also become old one day and so will he. If it's mainly about looks for him, he will lose attraction eventually anyway. Just wondering if he's the perfect specimen himself and how he's planning to stay that way for her?
I know a girl - similar story but Boyf (not hubby). He pressured her… and she lost the weight and realized her problem wasn’t the weight - it was the guy! She dumped his ungrateful behind, thankfully!
The guy she dated next adores her to this day: they have been married over a decade and have 5 children together.
I understand that it's a short phone call, but Dr. Delony didn't address that hormones can be crazy for years after having a baby. Dr. Delony said that the weight will take care of itself with her calorie tracking and exercise, but if there's a hormone issue, lower calorie intake doesn't necessarily add up to weight loss or gain. It's not always, calories in, calories out. She stated that the weight gain was due to a medical issue very early in the call. Caller, please see a hormone specialist to see if your levels are out of whack after having a baby (I bet they are). I'm sure your cortisol levels are through the roof being a new mom! Working on regulating your hormone levels with a medical provider might be the solution to the problem. I appreciate Dr. Delony's advice on this call with all the other talking points. Great call!
men in this comment section completely missed that whole bit,unsurprisingly
She may lose the weight and tell him she is not attracted to him anymore. I can’t imagine being attracted to a man who doesn’t like the way I look.
I was just thinking that! 🤣🤣🤣 This is why the FIRST thing that happens when women leave their stupid husbands is lose the weight. They are usually the PROBLEM.
The difference would be that it’s not something he chose
I can’t imagine being attractive to a woman who thinks it’s acceptable that I should still be attracted to her if she gains 40 lbs !!
ummm they actually choose this together…she sacrificed herself for him and baby.
Revenge weight loss.
Soooo….. what’s he gonna do when you hit menopause?
I had to start fasting menopause was so bad
Probably hate his life because his wife is already so out of control of herself that she’ll let her body dictate her lifestyle and emotions and say “oh well, hormones” “can’t help it” “a new season of life”. He’ll wonder where his wife went and why he stopped mattering to her - and he’ll remember the time when she gained a bunch of weight and blamed him for not embracing “her” because she didn’t manage it.
@@MisterTwo-40SXdon't have babies and except your wife remain beautiful
@@katemiller7874 good for you, I hope it worked out for you. My wife is doing that now and she feels like the fasting is benefiting her.
@@fatemad4012 why not?
She’s saying that her husband regularly brings up her weight and says they aren’t “seeing the results they want.”
Yeah, it's sick. And Delony totally missed it.
@@vaska1999I agree
Maybe the results are not the number on the scale but the improvement in her confidence and self-esteem.
He needs to be calling this dude out. Why is he suddenly giving him a free pass?
Absolutely the best call I’ve heard!
As a child of an addict I can relate to literally everything she said ………. ❤ thank you
Been married 18 years, one year after we got married, my husband told me that he was not attracted to me. Still married, no touch, no physical contact, sleep in different rooms since then.
I'm so sorry 😢💔
Why are you still with him??
My wife has gained weight over our 35 year marriage. I'm so much in love with her i don't care. I love having her on my arm wherever we go. Proud that she's mine.
Hearing her say "We have not been seeing the results" makes my heart break. There is no we, It's all about you. What you need, what you deem necessary and what is best for you. Get healthy for you....hugs.
Same, especially “we aren’t seeing the results we want.” Like he’s monitoring her progress.
I’m eating like a cow and somehow I’m not stuffing off weight.
It’s a partnership until it’s not then it’s all about her?
@@melissamanske9256 He is. And he punishes her by withdrawing affection when her weight loss stalls. Delony, of course, missed all that.
@@bobby9192 You probably have healthy hormones, congratulations. I used to be able to eat anything and everything, then I got some mysterious illness and I have gained weight despite eating a lot less, it's probably due to the stress, pain and the lack of sleep. I'm still at a normal weight, but some aren't as lucky as you and I.
@@slothisasin8240 yea, working out 5-6 times a week and watching my diet. Super lucky of me to work my 🫏 off
Ugh 😭 Women are so resilient. Even in light of her circumstances she still chooses to take it on and create change. You are amazing wifey! You deserve the world x
To be honest I don’t think it’s wise for men to comment on their partner’s weight. She’ll never be able to get over it
If you can't talk over minor stuff like that the relationship will never survive real challenges as loosing a job, serious illness..etc
He must just shut up and not say anything, how about that?? Some things are better left unsaid. Rather suggest you both go on a health journey together. Take walks with her, make her a smoothie bowel after a whole night of taking care of the baby. She just had a baby for goodness sake! If your marriage is dependent on your spouse’s weight please don’t get married. You people are getting married for the weirdest reasons that’s why the divorce rate is so high!
@@ItsMeYourfavorite7you sound like a terrible and narcissistic partner
@@ItsMeYourfavorite7 lol you jumped to conclusion. First off depending on the wait gain its health too.
And u assumed both partners are unhealthy.
For me working out didn't working out with my worth did work because being in the army i had to do all my workouts and try and do 3-5 with her a week.
My point is this can be approached better. For me i talked about her being able to do the things she use to and wants to?
I like the way he talks.
He can say his thoughts without caring much but at the same time there is no pressure on the other person to agree.
Obviously I’m not explaining that properly, but it is very educational for me.
It isn’t entirely about weight but it also isn’t about her either. We’re focusing on her, but for her husband to behave this way and it not be touched on is baffling.
I have gained weight recently and found out that I have hypothyroidism. She didn’t reveal her medical issue but losing weight can be almost impossible with certain medical issues.
At some point, you should have a bond with someone that surpasses anything physical. This is especially true if you have children with someone.
Thissss!!!! Honestly!
Thats nice to say, but your physical health heavily impacts your relationship. Someone who's choosing poor health is making bad choices for their partner
@@alexandermagnus82 the woman just had a child and has a medical issue for goodness sake! If you don’t want someone who can fall pregnant then be with a MAN!!!!!
It's called spousal love, which is totally different than sexual attraction.
Don’t Should all over this
The comments are really bad this video. The biggest issue here isn’t that she gained 40lbs. The issue is that he lost attraction over weight gain. That means he probably was mostly attracted to her because she was thin, not her attitude or anything else about her appearance. When you get married, I’m assuming that means you don’t loose attraction for vain things. Especially since the weight was from having HIS child. Idk, doesn’t sit right with me. I’m thin but I had gained about 20lbs at some point and my boyfriend didn’t care, he was just as attracted, and still was after I lost those extra pounds.
um you can like a fat person but not want to sleep with them. Are you stupid or?
@@anniesok868 you're a moron
Men and women are attracted to different things. Looks tend to be way more important to men. It’s no different than how many women lose attraction for their husband if he gets fired and chooses to sit around on the couch for several months.
@@trevalin456 you’re still missing the point. His attraction to his wife shouldn’t solely be because of her weight. Just like a woman shouldn’t be attracted solely because of a lot of money. You don’t marry someone on the condition that the one thing you’re attracted to stays the same.
If you actually listened to John's words and what he said to her, the weight gain is the easy crutch in the video. As someone who is working hard to lose weight as well, I can tell you that the biggest changes that have worked for me were my mentality and psyche during the weight loss. I have changed a lot on how I both view myself and also my relationship to things, and the person that gained the weight was a toxic person that was not a contributor to myself or my relationships.
The context mattered. John dug into some issues that she had (control issues, issues with insecurity, etc) and those are relationship killers. It's not about the weight, it's about how she gained the weight and the context around her behaviours. The motherhood could have just been the catalyst.
Absolutely!. There is more behind the weight. Always is. Sometimes it is even a symbol for the state of whole relationship, not only for the state one person is in.
Usually that something is laziness and eating too much.
@@yambagnelson9987it's risking your beauty and life for giving birth to children honey it's biology
What I world do to have Dr John's advice when I was a new mom.. just amazing.
The symptoms of the conversation she can’t get over - forget looks and weight gain - TRUST after you say words to each other, is the issue. His words will always be in her mind, hard to rebuild that TRUST.
His issues are deeper than her weight. He used that as an excuse.
Exactly what I am thinking
Agree 👍
No he really didnt. Weight gain is NOT attractive!
@@MikeyPaperITs AN EXCUSE you child grow up
He is cheating
If he’s not attracted to you after weight gain, he never loved you for you. Period. You deserve better than him and better than dr John telling you that you are at fault. You are not at fault!
People, don’t get married if you’re not cool with fluctuation of weight… it happens.
Jumping up 3-4 boxing weight classes isn’t a fluctuation. Adding 40 lbs onto a 5’4” female frame while still young isn’t trivial. It’s a warning.
I’ve lost 40 lbs and I’m significantly larger than that and it completely changed my body.
@@Evil-Rod-Farva You've also never been pregnant. 😂
@@vaska1999 this lady is not currently pregnant 🤦♂️
She was pregnant 1.5 years ago. That is more than ample time to lose 40 lbs.
My wife did it in 6 months. Hormones aren’t the problem with most women, Hostess is.
@@Evil-Rod-Farva Not everyone loses weight at the same rate, and most lactating women find their weight loss impossible to very slow. Besides, this lady mentioned a health issue that's arisen since her pregnancy.
@@vaska1999I will never respect you holes for the intense self victimization you live perpetually in. You are an excuses machine
No wonder she feels anxious and insecure. Her husband punishes the caller by withdrawing affection altogether when her weightloss stalls! And, as happens every now and again, Delony completely missed that.
Divorce & do 50/50 custody. She’ll only have to take care of herself & her kid half the time. Losing weight will come naturally or at the very least be WAY easier without all that stress & devaluation.
From my own experience, and it took me far too long, I found that when I feel confident and beautiful the weight comes off so much easier. If I need a few new clothes, I buy them at my current size so that I can feel good about myself. If I lose weight quickly I can donate practically new clothes to the women's shelter. If it takes longer than I want, it just means I still feel beautiful. This is compared to when I used to think I didn't deserve new clothes because I was overweight. When I felt gross, overweight, and more than unattractive, I felt ugly. I would say things to myself that I would NEVER say to another living soul, under any circumstances. It took some work, and there are still days where I still need to remind myself. Youll be surprised what a difference it will make.
Confidence makes such a difference! I'll tell you a secret...fake it 'til you make it. I've had several of my guy friends tell me that there is nothing as sexy as a confident woman - regardless of their size!
You're an amazing woman, even if you don't feel it right now. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to call in and bear your soul, but you did! You got great advice and help from Dr. John and everone that saw this show is rooting for you! Sending you love and positive vibes!😊🤗🥰
Im so sorry for her. I have same issue. You cant win with these husbands. They are narcs and will pick on you with everything. You cant win. I found it hard to lose weight my husband would tease me and then when i lost all the weight he picked on me on that too. I hope karma comes to husband and he gains lots of weight
Something tells me he's no Mr Buff himself already. 🙄
@@lillyrose178 none of these men are but they act so entitled to their dream woman
I don’t understand how you make it her entire responsibility for her husband putting her down and stripping away the confidence she had.
Poor woman is dealing with health complications and under 2 years postpartum as a new mom, and this man decides to tell his wife in the middle of all that, he’s not attracted to her anymore??! Awful.
An amazing, sensitive, an extremely objective man and amazing Psych
My ex used to talk about my weight all the time but he also blamed me for anything going wrong. Long story short it's been 7 years since we called it quits and he has gained much weight but he always has something to say when his kids zoom call him while they have a small plate of food infront of them. It's sad really.
He is a child most men are like children
You have a child with an immature man, you’ll have to grow up and be selfLESS for the rest of your life, and nothing about his life changes. He doesn’t have to grow up. And you’re “not fun anymore.”Partly bc you’re BUSY with the physical and emotional work of raising a human being(s) (that they are not busy with) and then partly bc now you have less respect for him bc…he’s not in it with his whole heart either. He’s still selfish and immature and you can’t be attracted to a man you don’t respect.
This is so common. This guy sucks! And this advice sucks, sorry.
He’s also salty cause he doesn’t get all her attention anymore. You gotta watch some of these men out here being jealous of their own children. They are dangerous, won’t bring anything but pain. Their ego will still float bc they’re “paying the bills” but they still are bringing nothing else but pain. Everyone in his house will always have that empty feeling the rest of their life, why am I not good enough? Not interesting enough to keep dad’s attention? Bc dad only likes shiny new interesting things and doesn’t understand love.
🎯
💯
exactly. Just look at the comments from men,they tell in themselves
In reading many comments on here, it seems you all have not listened well to the call. As a woman in a very similar situation as her who is overcoming the actual problem; the real issue is NOT the weight gain, but something much deeper (please, listen carefully to the call!).
The husband is not here to verify or deny the discussion, though. He might agree, but he might also stick to his guns and say he’s just not attracted to her at this weight even if the other things are ‘fixed’. This entire conversation was speculation and heresay about what he really thinks. May not be true at all.
I wondered if he wanted children😢
The clock is ticking for this marriage. She needs to find a solution to the "deeper thing" pretty quick.
If the husband says the weight is the problem, that’s the problem and you start there.
Men can’t negotiate an erection. If you’re not attracted to something, you just aren’t. Many men simply don’t get sexually aroused by overweight women. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that’s the reality.
This man isn’t being cruel by telling his wife this. He would be cruel by lying and being resentful/cheating.
@@Evil-Rod-Farva he's not cheating on her.
You know when someone really loves you and they love you unconditionally.
Sometimes we reach the opposite side: we don't even dare to tell the truth and what we feel for the appearance of our partner...that is equally wrong
I was just told by my husband the same exact thing and I am trying to process and do better with my health. This is the most difficult thing I have gone through.
John was pretty off base with this session. The language this woman used to describe how her husband is “loving” (I.e being pushed, not attractive, not seeing the results we want, etc.) sounds like a dominating jerk. These are HIS demands which he places on her.
John’s obsession or bias on eating healthy and working out played too much here. She needs to feel good about herself. She sounds so alone.
🎯👍
Nope, that's what you wanted to hear, that's not what happened. Women really need to get it through their head that almost all men will.lose attraction to you if you gain substantial amounts of weight and they arent at fault for doing so.
that is every man ever,John is just another xy problem
@@randybobandy9828 aww,randy are you still crying! Boy you should see a psychiatrist
I wonder if she's still breastfeeding? A lot of women find it near impossible to lose weight while breastfeeding no matter what they do and as soon as they wean it drops right off.
I’ve never heard of this issue before, I breastfed both kids and lost the weight immediately as it contracts your uterus back down, breastfeeding also increases your metabolism to make the milk and you’re constantly hungry trying to keep up with it. From my personal experience breast feeding Never made it difficult to lose the weight it helped, but I will also like to point out is that I didn’t gain a bunch of fat while pregnant, some swelling from fluid yes, and big babies yes. But No fat gain really
Breastfeeding currently and the weight will not come off. Aside from the initial loss immediately post partum, I've plateaued. I do not over eat, I take daily walks with my little one strapped to me and nada!
@@elettramia6380 it's not true for everyone, but I have a lot of friends who found it to be true for them. I kind of had it both ways. I initially dropped weight and was about 30 pounds lower than my pre-pregnancy weight within two months of giving birth, but then I slowly gained it back and haven't been able to lose it. I weaned at 20 months just over a week ago and I'm currently six months pregnant so obvious I'm not trying to lose weight, but it's shocking how much my appetite has decreased in the last week now that my body isn't trying to keep two babies alive.
I guess every body is different. Managing weight with hormonal fluctuations can be hard. It’s so unfair to see all these people comment „just do a diet it’s not that hard“ and most of them probably never gave birth before.
@@StormChaser_xoxojust keep doing what you're doing and you'll get there eventually. I had to come to the realization that reaching my goal weight in five months rather than twelve months wasn't worth the risk of losing my milk supply and not being able to feed my baby.
Carnivore diet. 40lbs fell off in 90 days for me even with Hashimotos metabolic issues. Strict. Grass fed beef, OMAD, avoid dairy/spices when possible. Vibration plate daily. But do it for you - not for a spouse who isn't crazy about you for you through all phases of life ❤ 😊
Men lose weight MUCH more easily than women.
“The math will take care of itself.” Oh the lies of diet culture. I have been dealing with food and body issues for decades. After years of weight cycling I lost over 100 pounds and maintained 12 years. The obsession with eating healthy, over exercising and outward appearance was incredibly unhealthy. When Covid hit the stress made it impossible for me to keep my rules and my body protected me by triggering bingeing to bring me out of self imposed famine. I thought my husband would feel like he got a raw deal because I had regained the weight. He said that our marriage has never been based on appearance. I have learned so much about the lies of diet culture. I am working with professionals to heal from my eating disorder. Thin does not equal healthy. But believing that creates a lot of shame. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to learn these painful lessons but at least I didn’t spend my whole life feeling shame over my body. I still have time to live in the body I have and enjoy the life I have free from external rules that were making me miserable. Letting go of the ideal but unachievable has been healing.
Ugh. Saying that a person isn't attractive anymore is so hurtful. I don't know if I would ever get over that comment. My fantasy comeback to a husband that said that to me would be to hit a gym and get my body back to hot; and then leave him in the dust for some steaming hunk of a man. lol!
My husband said that to me, not because I had gained weight but because I was pregnant. Now that I'm no longer pregnant, it's like he thinks it doesn't matter that he said it and is acting like everything is right in the world again. But I'm still scared and can't trust him, and I will not consider having another child with him because I can't bear the idea of spending another pregnancy feeling abandoned and alone and unloved.
So in your fantasy you’re willing to lose the weight after you leave the marriage as revenge, but you’re not willing to lose the weight during the marriage to keep the attraction strong. Got it 👌
@@trevalin456 No, I would lose the weight as an FU to an insensitive SOB, and I'd leave him right then and there and tell him to go find his bliss. I wouldn't look back either.
Vindictive, nice. Not.
women dont want honesty
I agree that it's not all about her weight.
My mom lost a bunch of weight, and gained a ton of confidence
back when I was a teenager, and my dad still left her.... So it's not always about the weight.
feelings change. things end. dont put blame on only 1 party involved. a relationship is between 2 people
This woman is allowing/encouraging herself to be in a daddy/daughter relationship. She is turning herself into a little girl because when she was a little girl her dad’s addiction kept her from having a male parent so now she married herself a parent …….only he is supposed be a HUSBAND!!!!! She feels like a “baby girl” not a WOMAN to me.
THIS!!! This the comment that should be pinned! You nailed it dead on mam!
It's never about the weight. There is a deeper problem. I had gained weight myself and felt awful about myself. I lost all the weight, really worked hard on myself, went above and beyond. Im in better shape now than I was when we got married. Im very fit. It hasn't made any difference at all. He is not interested in me at all and isn't interested in changing or working toward an intimate relationship. I think our relationship has deep isdues, and weight was an excuse
i don't know if my story is relevant or not but i want to share it, i was in deep depression due to various reasons being family issues, financial family problems, relationship issues where i was suspecting of my ex cheating but he manipulated or gaslighted me (i found out for certainly with evidence that he was cheating later on after a few months), etc hence i developed some eating disorders where either i couldn't eat an adult portion or if i ate even a little i would vomit it all or start vomiting in the middle of eating, it also made me repulsive to even sit down to eat no matter how hungry i felt, all of this made me lose weight significantly and i became a thin stick like creature, my ex always commented subtly how i "needed to gain weight" "have lost my masses" "oh my god u r thinner than u were a week before what the hell happened, the same thing?" "come on eat healthy, u just don't take care of yourself ", "i don't like how thin u are (as in being attractive)" he wouldn't say anything which was straight up offensive but was subtly demeaning while knowing about all my circumstances nd when i refuted that i am dealing with depression and trying real hard taking meds, exercising etc he was like "u don't have enough will or why are u not consistent " some people might understand that in this phase when u try, there are times when u feel like giving up and the consistency breaks it's not so easy as it's like pushing yourself out of a dark place to somewhere u don't even know for sure if u will get better
(all this while he didn't even once get my anything nutritious like fruits, dry fruits, something homecooked etc by himself, only a few times some coconut water when i got so sick that i couldn't buy it myself and i urged him for hours to get me)
at one point it became such that he would comment on my weight and bones at least once every time we talked, it broke my self confidence a lot
i am still recovering
When my husband and I met I was tiny. I gained more than a hundred pounds in had three babies and he has never been less attracted to me. Not once. I’ve lost the 100 and gained a few back and I’m miserable in my skin. When I’m at my lowest I borrow his love for me. I’m sorry that he said this to you. 😢
If it’s real love, your partner accepts that all people will physically change… and that nobody stays the same.
The more I listen to this show, I realize how glad I am to be single
Same
This is what you call toxic positivity. I'm only a few minutes in but perfect example of toxic positivity
This goes for men and women - if you can’t handle someone’s body changing…don’t marry them. You obviously don’t love them enough. If you can’t handle someone gaining weight don’t marry them.
I think people forget in sickness and in health.
Someone once told me some wise advice…
“humour lasts, looks dont”.
I gained 30 pounds due to heart meds & heart surgeries. My husband has never said or shown that he is less attracted to me.
I wrote a comment under one of Delony’s videos with a similar premise, but the husband had called in. Despite a wave of negative replies on that post, I still haven’t changed my mind. I cannot love and respect someone who will no longer love me or treat me well because I gained weight due to pregnancy and illness. I see these women trying, but love, care, and kind treatment are contingent upon reaching whatever milestone the husband has in his head. It might be my cue to opt out of marriage and motherhood. (Before people start crucifying me in the comments, I’m exercising 6 days a week and have lost 40 pounds in a year and counting. When someone is doing the work, kicking them when they are low is vile.)
"Hes always lifting me up" it doesnt sound like it :/ telling her he has lost attraction and wishes she would lose weight is one thing but treating her with less love and putting timeline demands on her weightloss is CRAZY
@@jrrizz0563 she mentioned he was frustrated with her because she wasnt seeing results at a fast enough pace.
I noticed that, too. I get the impression the caller's in serious denial about just what a jerk her hubbie actually is.
Yeah. My husband told me I was fat and ugly and disgusting when I was 9 months pregnant with our son.
Both sides have to do their best to take care of themselves to maintain attraction. Losing attraction sucks but if you mention it, that emotional damage is irrecoverable. Bedside manner is critical
Great advice from Dr. John. Your good at what you do.
Fair of the husband to be straight up about his feelings, but damn idk how you can do that to your wife. You have to know that saying it out loud will devastate her for years to come. Even if she does lose weight and you become atrracted to her again, how is she supposed to feel about the bedrock of your relationship? It's a tough spot to be in when you lose attraction to youe spouse, but I don't think saying "you gained weight and I'm not attracted to you anymore" is ever going to be the right course of action.
Can we please start talking to the loves of our lives with gentleness and not selfishness? Don’t say “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” Don’t even lie and say “I need to get into the gym why don’t you come with me?” Unless that is actually true. Do say “Love, I am concerned because I want to have every minute of this life I can with you. I want you to live life to the fullest too. How can I help you?” And if in that process you find out it’s medical love them through that. Remove the idea that because it’s easy for you, it should be easy for them.
So she’s halfway to losing all the weight she gained and he’s not seeing the results he hoped for?
It’s not like she’s not doing anything. She’s halfway there. These things take time. It’s not good enough to him?
I’ll be blunt, he’s not supportive. That’s obvious. Most people who care for their partner would be supportive if they see their partner working on their health, weightloss or whatever.
He’s not happy. It’s not unhappiness with her weight alone. It’s deeper than that. He’s now a married dad and in the grind. It’s probably not what he pictured. It’s tedious, boring, monotonous. So he’s focusing on her weight because he’s unhappy and probably wants a way out. Most people aren’t going to stick around when their partner is clearly unhappy with them for whatever reason.
I get it, gaining weight is unhealthy. No one will argue that.
🎯
I could see if it was 100lbs and if it was due to lifestyle choices. Some people are legitimately repulsed by morbidly obscurity and a lifestyle that it takes to get that way…especially if they were never that way. It would be like being with someone totally different than you married. Illness, pregnancy, etc isn’t the same
HEY JOHN YOU....
HAVE THE BEST CALL IN SHOW
💯💯 in my opinion and probably a lot of other peoples
2:45 “He needs to learn about cultural competency because it’s not by design.”
A tier ignorant comment by the shows host.
Typical statement to appease his female audience and shame the men.
First of all, it is by deign. The science is clear that men ON AVERAGE are not attracted to obese women. Some men are for weird fetish reasons but that’s about it. Being obese is healthy and can be a sign of poor health.
Secondly, even if most men were attracted to obese women (which they’re not), you don’t know the woman’s husband well enough to dictate to him that he himself isn’t built or designed that way. He knows himself better than you do and he knows what he’s attracted to.
That’s like saying most women wanting tall men is a cultural thing and not by design. It is. Actors most if not all cultures women will on average go for men taller than they are when given a chance.
So I am sure many in the comments have their own perspective on this issue. I also have my opinion! It is one thing to be physically attracted to someone and another to truly love them. I would literally hope that their relationship was built on more than physical attraction. If her husband only married her because of physical attraction this marriage will ultimately fail. We will all at some point in our lives experience physical problems including age. Life can be very complicated and hard and many things happen. We all need to be realistic about how life happens. We need to be more intentional about how to work through the rough times. Often what happens in a relationship is one or both don't know how to deal with the current situation. It is important to be honest, sincere, and compassionate as you traverse difficult things. Don't claim to love someone and marry them if you're not all in no matter what happens. If you genuinely love someone you can do a lot of things that will help them and build your relationship without telling them they are unattractive. Stop manipulating and start loving unconditionally.
So John has pointed out that she’s a perfectionist and she has stated that she has a husband who’s “wonderful,”who she “doesn’t deserve,” because he’s always pushing her to be better. The cruelest thing you can do to a perfectionist is criticize them. I really feel like John got this call wrong.