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The School Of Life, I just want to point out one thing I've been disliking in your recent videos. That girl's voice at the end is bothering after such great calm voice of yours. Don't want to offend anyone but I liked the way it was before with the deep silence and warm end. At least you should put a brief pause of silence (5sec) between these voices... you know, in order to not get that great contemplation interrupted. Love your videos
here's several suggestions for making improvements in your marriage Try to communicate more Help each other out more Try to give and take more (I read these and the reasons they work on Mirykal marriage plan website )
Constant dismissal of the other partner will compound the feeling that your not worth listening to and the partner getting offended by a complaint will be even worse but working on something helps a massive sudden situation change doesn’t help anyone.
They may be telling you what it would take for them to trust and love you, Jules Noelle. If it is worth it to you, it may become a mutual process of fitting together well.
The book 'I hear you' is phenomenal for this! It's by Michael Sorensen...and if more people employed those techniques, the world would be more peaceful. Authentic connection, acceptance and being "heard", promotes safety. People who feel safe, are more peaceful!
The problem is a lot of couples never choose a time to talk, but resign their honesty for when they're arguing. Communication is, and always will be, the key to a happy relationship. The hard part is overcoming the fear of being openly honest with each other, and more importantly; having the courage to listen.
in my childhood household no one praised or said anything to us kids.. the only time an adult spoke was if they needed chores done and to let you know you screwed up. one of those "I did 99 things right but they only see the one mistake" situations. I suspect my husbands childhood was the same but with toxic dose of conditional love and very little respect or acknowledgment that the child was also a human being with feelings. So... yes... in our household it's a weird clash of uneasy calm..... are they quiet because they're really pissed off? or because everything is going smoothly.... and if it's not going smoothly, do you dare disturb the calm and risk getting your head bitten off? If they are in a good mood you will only ruin it by bringing up the fact that you're unhappy with their behavior. No. Better wait until they use "that tone" during a discussion. Then you can snipe back at them and then have a nice knock down drag out argument that rehashes every bad little thing within the last thirty days.... all those things you couldn't talk about because you didn't want to be accused of being petty.
Most people really don’t know how to communicate openly and honestly. There are too many lies. If we told the truth, communicate our REAL feelings , our partners would RUN !
I listen to my husband talk about his day until he's exhausted and literally has nothing left to say; he loves it, and treats me like a queen the rest of the day. 😍😘
I think the easiest way to talk to a partner so they will listen is to first confirm their side of the argument or Viewpoint so that they are more open to listening to you next.
UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS exactly. When my parents fight it happens when they don’t agree with something. If one party would at least just agree with the other one drama would be averted.
They won’t listen if they feel you are paraphrasing without empathy, or suspect your reflecting is a manipulation to catalyze a demanded change of behavior in them.
What your basically saying is; the best way to get your partner to listen, is to first ignore what your partner has to say to you. That's not communication. The difficult part is listening, that's what you should be worried about.
I think that's not the point of the comment. It's just that you show that you understand their VIEWPOINT, not necessarily agree on everything they say.
This requires more than one person's willingness and courage to complain. The other person must be receptive and not likely to engage in a broad range of manipulative, passive aggressive, and punitive behaviors. In a perfect world, reason may be adequate.
I had the same issue, now is much better the key is to focus on yourself working on myself and realizing the importance of my role in my family and that we are all make mistakes which is OK helped me a lot and hope it will help you 💓
Absolutely stunning content! Everything starts with being kind...you want to be listened, make sure you are kind enough to be perceived as a good listener.
There are many people who you can listen to for hours but as soon as it's you're turn to talk they can't even keep themselves from interrupting half way through a sentence.
You are absolutely right. This is actually the reason why being a good listener will give you huge edge on the long-run. It will frustrate you in the case mentioned but will help you become a bigger person than the guy who doesn't have the patience to actually give a shit about your 2c.
Shit... how timely this video is lol 😅 I’m the bitter insecure person in this scenario. It all makes sense now. Just sometimes I don’t feel heard or understood in my relationship but I know they do and I know they care but it could be one thing they did that ‘proves’ my insecurities and I forget the times they were caring and understanding or whatever the case may be and just bottle it up and eventually lash out. I don’t mean to start fights, which I’ve been accused of, it’s just my anxiety and insecurities that fuck things up for me. I overthink and over analyze everything. It’s horrible but I’m trying to be and do better. Relationships are tough man. Sheesh.
ThisIsMyFullName It would feel so random though for me to say this lol I’m more emotional and sensitive than they are so I don’t know. I expressed to them that I’m insecure and have anxiety etc. and I think they understand, telling them this feels like it would be beating a dead horse. Some days I’m ok and other days are just harder and I nitpick every word and text. And you don’t have tone when you text so that makes it more difficult... it’s a lot and I’m a complete emotional mess lol ugh
I grew up watching my parents miserably fail at communication which to me is THE key to healthy and happy relationship... They were horribly incompatible in many ways but this one was the one that saw the end of their marriage in a rather horrible way. For this reason I knew I was not going to make the same mistake... In my relationship, we would talk, about everything. even if it was a dark and hard to talk about topic. we would talk, listen and sort it out... No snarky remarks... no silly silences expecting the other to know what we are thinking without uttering a word... No double meaning comments... No passive aggressive silence... etc... But COMMUNICATION.. where two people speak and listen to the other, but not only that, but actually take on board what the other has said and try to act on it so that this argument doesn’t happen again.. I have been with my partner for 14years now at the age of 35, and we are amazing at communicating but this isn’t something that came easily or naturally... It took time, it took work, but we both knew that this is what we wanted, so we put the work in. We have had conversations about what hurts us in the other and talking about it in a way that we take steps forward and make less of that mistake next time... We have talked about the curiosity of being with someone else after having been together for so long, etc... Nothing, is out of bounds because in a relationship there are only 2 people... you, and your partner... You can talk to your friends, your family, and they can give you all the well meaning advice, but none of it means anything because this is something that is only between you, and your partner.. and if whatever you are feeling or thinking isnt openly out on the table then how do you expect them to know how to act, what to do, what not to do...etc.... TALK... it’s hard to start with, and can leave you feeling anxious and shaky... but it’s so worth it! It may be scary but believe me you will take steps forward and become stronger as an individual and as a couple... And if you don’t, then, at least you have both openly talked about things and realised that you don’t work and should stop wasting each other’s time. I really do believe that open communication is key to everything actually... so give it a try 💛
For me, as a neglected child, this point of view is revolutionary. So far I just made peace with being partially disappointed and unfulfilled by my partner. I always found it ridiculous to ask them to change for me. Who am I to ask such a huge thing from them? But now I'm starting to understand...
What a timely video. This just happened to me and my partner a couple hours ago. Im the angered person on the video. How confirmingly depressing! Yikes
You must convince them you’re making a genuine request, and not a demand. They’ll know if it’s not an authentic request if they say “no” and you respond with rage or cold indignation. Respond enough times like this and you’ll condition them to believe you always make demands, thus losing all interest in listening to you in the future.
this actually does not work...... I have tried it. It probably helps if your spouse wasn't raised by a narcissist. In their mind everything is a demand. and it is all a plot for you to somehow dominate and control them. No... they will only help you with your "so called request" when they get good and ready to... just to prove that they can NOT be controlled, manipulated or dominated. Ever. When they respond with No every time you make a request ...and i mean every time.... then it's actually very difficult NOT to respond with some degree of annoyance. This seemingly insignificant detail (them always saying no.....) has been quite damaging. They have turned themselves into an unreliable and irresponsible person.... and it's all because of their mother constantly making demands and trying to control and manipulate them. Everything must be on their terms only. And they are totally allowed to make demands AND requests AND they are allowed to get uspet when you say no.... because your refusal is just manipulative and controlling. I know what I am dealing with.... I just don't know HOW to deal with it. And no, it's not always a total nightmare.... sometimes he's asleep.
Emily Pollifax Once one is conditioned from a life time of demands from parents, partners, coworkers and bosses, it takes a ton of empathy to reach them beyond their defenses; vigilantly on high alert to protect their need for autonomy. Evaluating their behavior or intentions will likely result in further resistance. It’s not going to be easy, and if we forget to give ourselves empathy we’ll have none to spare for the other. Secure your oxygen mask first. A helpful place to get started is a free workshop video on NVC, here is the link ruclips.net/video/4LuPCAh9FCc/видео.html With enough effort and compassion I believe anyone can grow, even your stubborn partner. I wish you both much success in overcoming your obstacles together.
I feel like the minutiae of the school of life’s videos is what makes them so comforting. The videos that focus on very particular and circumstantial emotions or events that remind us we aren’t so different from other people after all.
The School of Life has helped me come from a dark place in my life. I just want to say thank you to the content creators. Your videos and articles have made a positive impact on my life. Thank You.
When expressing complaints, it should be done from a subjective perspective with sentences like "in my opinion...", "I feel like..."what matters to me is..." instead of blaming the other for one's own negative feelings. To do so requires a certain sense of self-awareness. For example, when your spouse promised to call or send a message but seems to have forgotten about it, don't become judgmental about it, for there may be valid reasons why it happened. Instead, explain to him or her that it made you worry, feel lonely or maybe even a little bit abandoned. This way your spouse will not feel bad about what has happened but is given the opportunity to show compassion and empathy to you.
My wife and do great as long as one of us can stay supportive. When something is done or said that makes us both defensive - negative feelings can escalate on both sides quickly. It has been five years living together and what seems to make it better is practice and committment and awareness that as a team, over time, general positive emotion is going to shared, therefore, it should always be our goal to help clear the path for one another and ensure we truly feel valued, supported, and successful to each other. While there is no such thing as mutually assured happiness, as long as one of us can keep perspective, wait out the storm, and reassure the other it will all be okay - it usually is and fairly quickly.
I think the best way to get your partner to listen to you is to first listen to them. I find that people are more receptive to what you say when you first listen to them.
this video didn’t necessarily apply to just romantic relationships but also to friendships. I’ve had a friendship where I come off as bitter sometimes so this video was helpful for me trying to understand the reasons behind it
Timing is everything and the other party can know a conversation is what you're after and always find an excuse not to talk. I eventually got there unexpectedly when their guard was down and we were talking about something else. It was a relief. Took me 18 months but now they're considering what we talked about with a follow up talk. Thank you for the video it is a problem we will all have.
Hello there! I feel exactly the same way. Since you are new here you may not know; the founder of this channel, Alain de Botton, is one of the most valuable and influential thinkers of our time. And certainly the best teacher of life I have ever had! If you wish, you could watch his documentaries too. They all have a life changing quality. Here they are:ruclips.net/user/AlaindeBottonTV . Have a nice Sunday :- )
Funny how timely this video is for so many people. Because it's so goddamn hard to communicate properly with the ones we care about, without being overwhelmed by emotions. Thank you for that lovely video :3
This video is amazing at explaining the feelings behind a bad complainer, but a little short in how to complain properly. But I really took the first half to heart, very revealing and illuminating! Thank you!
Guys, I would like to offer myself to subtitle your video in Portuguese and Italian to share with my family and friend your videos. This is so important for everyone to learn!
These points of, essentially, applying mindfulness to communication and checking in with ourselves and our emotions first are very relevant and valuable. However, I want to add that the feelings of the person complaining, as well as the content of the complaint, are still valid when they're incapable of delivering them soberly. The approach presented here can lead to the assumption that we must consider the 'rightfulness' of the other's actions and feelings before our own, as in: "I must first deal with my hurt alone and then address the person hurting me". That could succeed in getting your partner to listen, but not necessarily lead into the best direction when you're hoping to establish communication on equal eye level. That goes for both partners and their expectations - perceived, or actually held/stated. Someone suggested that there should be a second video addressing the other partner's perspective, and I very much second this suggestion!
I've been subscribed to this channel for a while now, and usually I don't check my subscription box, therefore I get things recommended later on. This video was recommended to me the night I realized I have this exact issue with my partner, where I felt ashamed to complain about something and ask them to be there for me and love me. It's very odd, I truly appreciate this video, it made me confirm my own thought process as to why I am the way I am, it truly gave me a perspective on how to change that. Thank you.
I use to be so special to you, now I am just a burden to even bear. Our goodbyes would last half an hour but now it's short and not so sweet. I was the best thing in the world to you but now I'm just a tragedy to even be around, regret. Even the memories pass me by and I can't help but wonder why I'm still here, with a man who no longer lusts me the same way and doubts his love whenever I show my desperation. Someone who no longer cries with me and shakes their head when I can't manage to keep it in. You know, and we all want the same thing, to feel and be loved. The thing I don't understand is, how we can ever be tired of our insomniac relationships but still expect the love we always had without giving any in return. Even the desperation of wanting what it was isn't enough to actually try, to tend to our partner's needs and hopefully mend it back to what we always wanted but, was never truly aware when we had it. And that's the paradox to it all; we will always believe that we don't have it now until months later, when things are even worse. The thing we miss the most is living in the moment, we let boredom scare us away when solitude together should be the most magical thing.
astro blossomic Omg ... this is totally what happened to me , whAt I didn’t realise is , I never listened to his needs, and didn’t fully accept the way he is , which separated us from what we were ,and the love he got for me I expected the love to be as strong , but a relationship cannot survive only on love , it’s patience,understanding,Loyalty , attention,, sometimes we don’t give the same amount of what we want of our partners , I wanted more affection but I wasn’t affectionate enough neither , I wanted a super interesting conversation but I wouldn’t put all my attention to listen ... I blamed everything on him not loving me , but I realised , he does love me , it just got rough and we forgot how to keep it I realised that the more desperate and more angry you got , the less you going to get from them And they will never run to you when in problems or feeling bad , being kind but express your feelings that upset you , talking , never arguing never blaming the other person cause if u do the only things that pops in their head is “I won’t listen to you anymore “ or “you are such a problematic person “ , “stop with the drama“ Love is built , by two people who knows their flaws but still trying to be together and grow from mistakes It’s never 50/50 , sometimes it’s 70/30 , and you have to suck it up , but when you fall then your partner will pick you up
Once again, BRILLANT video! I am astonished how The School of Life has such exquisitely sound advice, coming from love, understanding, and COMMUNICATION. If we don't learn diplomatic and kind communication in relationships, we are really going nowhere, so for me it's a life long practice, and I am getting better! Keep up the excellent work School of Life,! And love the comedy in your videos, I find myself sometimes laughing out loud! 😂😍🤣
I find vulnerability AND keep reaching into an empty situation is occasionally- Tired of being tired. . .smelling the beautiful flowers of life are in abundance right about now - thanks
as much as it hurt to essentially be called out via a youtube video, the video is accurate and i am at fault. this video caused me to reevaluate how i communicate with my partner and resolve to do better in the future. there is no reason to turn to anger and sarcasm when someone i love does one thing that is annoying. self love is integral to loving others.
Same. A lot of the videos on this channel tell you what's wrong, what you're doing wrong, how your actions hurt others (which is useful informatoin) but they don't tell you how to correct it. The only instruction I've heard so far in 6+ videos is to "communicate in a polite, calm, non-accusatory manner". The title of this video is absolutely NOT answered in the video.
This was very mentally expanding for me. This is the exact thing that is going on in my relationship. I felt like I was going off the deep end for so long because no one would listen to me. Now I understand. This was immensely helpful. But now I am kind of puzzled as to what I should do next. What is appropriate? How do you "responsibly complain" to a partner about what you need from the relationship and have them listen now?
Wow I’m the person getting yelled at with angry in this situation. But that totally makes sense about the childhood part because his dad is very stern and doesn’t offer anyone else’s opinion on anything. This made me understand a bit better
So your husband would get upset with you any time he felt like his perspective/opinion wasn't being considered? Or did it manifest in a different way? =O
Was looking at this to try and learn how to get my partner to listen to the actual words that I say. And in turn, I got a lesson about how he probably feels. And I know his bitterness and anger do indeed come from a place of self loathing or low self worth. But I feel like he may be offended by me sending this to him.
I’m profoundly deaf and mute most of the time although I’m able to talk sometimes ! spoken communication is tough on the days when I have no voice… I can lip read but mostly avoid contact with others so this isn’t really a problem for me as I’m a bit of a loner overall but I do value the company of friends every now & again
It's difficult to give advice on a disorder, since a disorder is an illness. But how you cope with a friend who has a disorder could make for a good video.
The happiest relationship, is one who communicates. My love is my best friend. Try to start off with being they're friend first. I never run out of things to talk about with my love ♡ #10.years.strong. How to be heard is to trying to be positive no matter how much bs is happening in the world. 9 times out of 10 it's the world that affects your reltionship, not you two as a couple.
Thank you... points to ponder and correct in ourselves. But would have loved to know How to communicate exactly. What words to use in a sample scenario. Is there another video on that? If not, could you please make one 🙏
I think this is also applicable to any close relationship, be it your friend, sibling or parents. It is learning the art of communication and being conscious of what is going on inside your head. Thank you for this video. Ps. Am i the only one bothered by the balloon like hands animation?
How do you talk to your partner? What is most effective? Let us know in the comments below and sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: bit.ly/2LayJ9F
Please do a video on Broken Wing Theory.
The School Of Life, I just want to point out one thing I've been disliking in your recent videos. That girl's voice at the end is bothering after such great calm voice of yours. Don't want to offend anyone but I liked the way it was before with the deep silence and warm end. At least you should put a brief pause of silence (5sec) between these voices... you know, in order to not get that great contemplation interrupted. Love your videos
here's several suggestions for making improvements in your marriage
Try to communicate more
Help each other out more
Try to give and take more
(I read these and the reasons they work on Mirykal marriage plan website )
Omki
There should be another video on the other partner’s perspective and how they should react to addressing their partner’s complaint properly ❤️
Second this.
Constant dismissal of the other partner will compound the feeling that your not worth listening to and the partner getting offended by a complaint will be even worse but working on something helps a massive sudden situation change doesn’t help anyone.
They may be telling you what it would take for them to trust and love you, Jules Noelle. If it is worth it to you, it may become a mutual process of fitting together well.
ruclips.net/video/43e51vkffQE/видео.html
The book 'I hear you' is phenomenal for this!
It's by Michael Sorensen...and if more people employed those techniques, the world would be more peaceful. Authentic connection, acceptance and being "heard", promotes safety. People who feel safe, are more peaceful!
The problem is a lot of couples never choose a time to talk, but resign their honesty for when they're arguing. Communication is, and always will be, the key to a happy relationship. The hard part is overcoming the fear of being openly honest with each other, and more importantly; having the courage to listen.
This is so true. I feel like this happens in certain family dynamics as well.
Especially for them it's important to watch this, never too late for learning :)
in my childhood household no one praised or said anything to us kids.. the only time an adult spoke was if they needed chores done and to let you know you screwed up. one of those "I did 99 things right but they only see the one mistake" situations.
I suspect my husbands childhood was the same but with toxic dose of conditional love and very little respect or acknowledgment that the child was also a human being with feelings.
So... yes... in our household it's a weird clash of uneasy calm..... are they quiet because they're really pissed off? or because everything is going smoothly.... and if it's not going smoothly, do you dare disturb the calm and risk getting your head bitten off? If they are in a good mood you will only ruin it by bringing up the fact that you're unhappy with their behavior.
No. Better wait until they use "that tone" during a discussion. Then you can snipe back at them and then have a nice knock down drag out argument that rehashes every bad little thing within the last thirty days.... all those things you couldn't talk about because you didn't want to be accused of being petty.
Most people really don’t know how to communicate openly and honestly.
There are too many lies. If we told the truth, communicate our REAL feelings ,
our partners would RUN !
@@jbisntme Let them run. If they are not willing to listen, they aren't worth our time.
I listen to my husband talk about his day until he's exhausted and literally has nothing left to say; he loves it, and treats me like a queen the rest of the day. 😍😘
Damn he is a lucky man
I should do the same..it might work for me as well..lol
This is really nice to hear. I hope I find a woman like you one day.
And when you are mad at each other?
Wow! That’s really beautiful. I wish you guys all the best 😋🤙🏻🤙🏻
I think the easiest way to talk to a partner so they will listen is to first confirm their side of the argument or Viewpoint so that they are more open to listening to you next.
UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS exactly. When my parents fight it happens when they don’t agree with something. If one party would at least just agree with the other one drama would be averted.
They won’t listen if they feel you are paraphrasing without empathy, or suspect your reflecting is a manipulation to catalyze a demanded change of behavior in them.
UNLEASHING POTENTIAL - PSYCHOLOGY VIDEOS good idea!
What your basically saying is; the best way to get your partner to listen, is to first ignore what your partner has to say to you. That's not communication. The difficult part is listening, that's what you should be worried about.
I think that's not the point of the comment. It's just that you show that you understand their VIEWPOINT, not necessarily agree on everything they say.
This requires more than one person's willingness and courage to complain. The other person must be receptive and not likely to engage in a broad range of manipulative, passive aggressive, and punitive behaviors. In a perfect world, reason may be adequate.
Something I am trying hard to learn.
How to be assertive without sounding bitter or resentful.
If you're trying hard I sure eventually it will happen. Good luck!
I had the same issue, now is much better the key is to focus on yourself working on myself and realizing the importance of my role in my family and that we are all make mistakes which is OK helped me a lot and hope it will help you 💓
Have no daubh and brake no character say what u mean ..where's is ur fucking confidence?
Absolutely stunning content! Everything starts with being kind...you want to be listened, make sure you are kind enough to be perceived as a good listener.
There are many people who you can listen to for hours but as soon as it's you're turn to talk they can't even keep themselves from interrupting half way through a sentence.
You are absolutely right. This is actually the reason why being a good listener will give you huge edge on the long-run. It will frustrate you in the case mentioned but will help you become a bigger person than the guy who doesn't have the patience to actually give a shit about your 2c.
Shit... how timely this video is lol 😅
I’m the bitter insecure person in this scenario. It all makes sense now. Just sometimes I don’t feel heard or understood in my relationship but I know they do and I know they care but it could be one thing they did that ‘proves’ my insecurities and I forget the times they were caring and understanding or whatever the case may be and just bottle it up and eventually lash out. I don’t mean to start fights, which I’ve been accused of, it’s just my anxiety and insecurities that fuck things up for me. I overthink and over analyze everything. It’s horrible but I’m trying to be and do better. Relationships are tough man. Sheesh.
David Davids damn, are you me? Lol
Or me?
Orrr... me??
You should tell her/him that.
ThisIsMyFullName It would feel so random though for me to say this lol I’m more emotional and sensitive than they are so I don’t know. I expressed to them that I’m insecure and have anxiety etc. and I think they understand, telling them this feels like it would be beating a dead horse.
Some days I’m ok and other days are just harder and I nitpick every word and text. And you don’t have tone when you text so that makes it more difficult... it’s a lot and I’m a complete emotional mess lol ugh
I grew up watching my parents miserably fail at communication which to me is THE key to healthy and happy relationship... They were horribly incompatible in many ways but this one was the one that saw the end of their marriage in a rather horrible way. For this reason I knew I was not going to make the same mistake... In my relationship, we would talk, about everything. even if it was a dark and hard to talk about topic. we would talk, listen and sort it out... No snarky remarks... no silly silences expecting the other to know what we are thinking without uttering a word... No double meaning comments... No passive aggressive silence... etc... But COMMUNICATION.. where two people speak and listen to the other, but not only that, but actually take on board what the other has said and try to act on it so that this argument doesn’t happen again.. I have been with my partner for 14years now at the age of 35, and we are amazing at communicating but this isn’t something that came easily or naturally... It took time, it took work, but we both knew that this is what we wanted, so we put the work in. We have had conversations about what hurts us in the other and talking about it in a way that we take steps forward and make less of that mistake next time... We have talked about the curiosity of being with someone else after having been together for so long, etc... Nothing, is out of bounds because in a relationship there are only 2 people... you, and your partner... You can talk to your friends, your family, and they can give you all the well meaning advice, but none of it means anything because this is something that is only between you, and your partner.. and if whatever you are feeling or thinking isnt openly out on the table then how do you expect them to know how to act, what to do, what not to do...etc.... TALK... it’s hard to start with, and can leave you feeling anxious and shaky... but it’s so worth it! It may be scary but believe me you will take steps forward and become stronger as an individual and as a couple... And if you don’t, then, at least you have both openly talked about things and realised that you don’t work and should stop wasting each other’s time. I really do believe that open communication is key to everything actually... so give it a try 💛
This video has been posted right in a time of need. Thank you.
Same. 😭
I hope it worked out on your end. I'm in the process of working mine out right now.
Jaseeka Rawr me too 😖
I cant get enough of these videos. They give me peace of mind and make sense enough to where i feel like i can be a better person.
Wow. The school of life just read me like a book.
For me, as a neglected child, this point of view is revolutionary. So far I just made peace with being partially disappointed and unfulfilled by my partner. I always found it ridiculous to ask them to change for me. Who am I to ask such a huge thing from them? But now I'm starting to understand...
What a timely video. This just happened to me and my partner a couple hours ago. Im the angered person on the video. How confirmingly depressing! Yikes
You must convince them you’re making a genuine request, and not a demand. They’ll know if it’s not an authentic request if they say “no” and you respond with rage or cold indignation. Respond enough times like this and you’ll condition them to believe you always make demands, thus losing all interest in listening to you in the future.
This is interesting..🤔 i like it
I take no credit, this is NVC theory from Marshall Rosenberg, if you’re interested in looking deeper.
Wow
this actually does not work...... I have tried it.
It probably helps if your spouse wasn't raised by a narcissist. In their mind everything is a demand. and it is all a plot for you to somehow dominate and control them. No... they will only help you with your "so called request" when they get good and ready to... just to prove that they can NOT be controlled, manipulated or dominated. Ever.
When they respond with No every time you make a request ...and i mean every time.... then it's actually very difficult NOT to respond with some degree of annoyance.
This seemingly insignificant detail (them always saying no.....) has been quite damaging. They have turned themselves into an unreliable and irresponsible person.... and it's all because of their mother constantly making demands and trying to control and manipulate them. Everything must be on their terms only. And they are totally allowed to make demands AND requests AND they are allowed to get uspet when you say no.... because your refusal is just manipulative and controlling.
I know what I am dealing with.... I just don't know HOW to deal with it. And no, it's not always a total nightmare.... sometimes he's asleep.
Emily Pollifax Once one is conditioned from a life time of demands from parents, partners, coworkers and bosses, it takes a ton of empathy to reach them beyond their defenses; vigilantly on high alert to protect their need for autonomy. Evaluating their behavior or intentions will likely result in further resistance. It’s not going to be easy, and if we forget to give ourselves empathy we’ll have none to spare for the other. Secure your oxygen mask first. A helpful place to get started is a free workshop video on NVC, here is the link ruclips.net/video/4LuPCAh9FCc/видео.html With enough effort and compassion I believe anyone can grow, even your stubborn partner. I wish you both much success in overcoming your obstacles together.
I feel like the minutiae of the school of life’s videos is what makes them so comforting. The videos that focus on very particular and circumstantial emotions or events that remind us we aren’t so different from other people after all.
The School of Life has helped me come from a dark place in my life. I just want to say thank you to the content creators. Your videos and articles have made a positive impact on my life. Thank You.
When expressing complaints, it should be done from a subjective perspective with sentences like "in my opinion...", "I feel like..."what matters to me is..." instead of blaming the other for one's own negative feelings. To do so requires a certain sense of self-awareness.
For example, when your spouse promised to call or send a message but seems to have forgotten about it, don't become judgmental about it, for there may be valid reasons why it happened. Instead, explain to him or her that it made you worry, feel lonely or maybe even a little bit abandoned. This way your spouse will not feel bad about what has happened but is given the opportunity to show compassion and empathy to you.
That feels a bit like guilt tripping tho...
My wife and do great as long as one of us can stay supportive. When something is done or said that makes us both defensive - negative feelings can escalate on both sides quickly. It has been five years living together and what seems to make it better is practice and committment and awareness that as a team, over time, general positive emotion is going to shared, therefore, it should always be our goal to help clear the path for one another and ensure we truly feel valued, supported, and successful to each other. While there is no such thing as mutually assured happiness, as long as one of us can keep perspective, wait out the storm, and reassure the other it will all be okay - it usually is and fairly quickly.
I think the best way to get your partner to listen to you is to first listen to them. I find that people are more receptive to what you say when you first listen to them.
That’s a great advice :)
Absolutely in love with this channel
same
Practice after me: "I feel xxxx when you yyyy." But bitterness, rage, fury and sarcasm have their charms.
this video didn’t necessarily apply to just romantic relationships but also to friendships. I’ve had a friendship where I come off as bitter sometimes so this video was helpful for me trying to understand the reasons behind it
I LOVE the animation style! It's very eye catching!
It requires both partners to work in order to make their relationship last. Learning how to understand each other is the key.
Thank you, I needed this video. This is something my partner and I are struggling with. I can't believe I ever thought relationships would be easy
Timing is everything and the other party can know a conversation is what you're after and always find an excuse not to talk. I eventually got there unexpectedly when their guard was down and we were talking about something else. It was a relief. Took me 18 months but now they're considering what we talked about with a follow up talk. Thank you for the video it is a problem we will all have.
This hit so much closer to home than I expected. You just about summed up everything I've been feeling for the last few weeks. Thank you.
This narration and these illustrations make me feel so comforted
I'm so lucky that i found this channel.
Hello there! I feel exactly the same way. Since you are new here you may not know; the founder of this channel, Alain de Botton, is one of the most valuable and influential thinkers of our time. And certainly the best teacher of life I have ever had! If you wish, you could watch his documentaries too. They all have a life changing quality. Here they are:ruclips.net/user/AlaindeBottonTV . Have a nice Sunday :- )
Dear Susanna, that's so kind of you. Thank you so much for such a warm message.Nice to meet you! I send you many greetings and lots of love :- )
Why am I watching this? I'm so single.
Same
Help me
It can be applied to any of your relationships.. friends, siblings, parents.. etc.
@@exmrsnowwomanscorned8369 Was literally thinking that
Lucifer Alpha idiot
Funny how timely this video is for so many people. Because it's so goddamn hard to communicate properly with the ones we care about, without being overwhelmed by emotions. Thank you for that lovely video :3
This video is amazing at explaining the feelings behind a bad complainer, but a little short in how to complain properly. But I really took the first half to heart, very revealing and illuminating! Thank you!
Guys, I would like to offer myself to subtitle your video in Portuguese and Italian to share with my family and friend your videos. This is so important for everyone to learn!
Helpful thank you
If they will not listen, have to walk away
This video made me cry because it vocalized something I knew but was never able to grasp. Thank you so much
School of life really be out there teaching me everything i didn't learn through my whole life n turning me into a decent human being...
Alain is the voice that enlightens the truth with a noise our ears can hear and understand - master enlightner
I’m weeping. Kicked to the curb.
Why is this channel always right about soo many things
I needed this video 10 years ago
These points of, essentially, applying mindfulness to communication and checking in with ourselves and our emotions first are very relevant and valuable. However, I want to add that the feelings of the person complaining, as well as the content of the complaint, are still valid when they're incapable of delivering them soberly.
The approach presented here can lead to the assumption that we must consider the 'rightfulness' of the other's actions and feelings before our own, as in: "I must first deal with my hurt alone and then address the person hurting me". That could succeed in getting your partner to listen, but not necessarily lead into the best direction when you're hoping to establish communication on equal eye level. That goes for both partners and their expectations - perceived, or actually held/stated. Someone suggested that there should be a second video addressing the other partner's perspective, and I very much second this suggestion!
I've been subscribed to this channel for a while now, and usually I don't check my subscription box, therefore I get things recommended later on. This video was recommended to me the night I realized I have this exact issue with my partner, where I felt ashamed to complain about something and ask them to be there for me and love me. It's very odd, I truly appreciate this video, it made me confirm my own thought process as to why I am the way I am, it truly gave me a perspective on how to change that. Thank you.
I can see how a person may feel protected by the emeshment but I can also see how it can be stifling to having a sense of autonomy.
I don’t know why, but: EVERY video is the best video. I couldn‘t pick one over all the other School of Life vids.
Thank you ❤️
This video is so true beyond words. I didn’t know how to vocalize my feelings, or even understand why I felt that way until this video.
The animation in this is beautiful
It’s ridiculous how helpful these videos are. I love this channel so much
I use to be so special to you, now I am just a burden to even bear. Our goodbyes would last half an hour but now it's short and not so sweet. I was the best thing in the world to you but now I'm just a tragedy to even be around, regret. Even the memories pass me by and I can't help but wonder why I'm still here, with a man who no longer lusts me the same way and doubts his love whenever I show my desperation. Someone who no longer cries with me and shakes their head when I can't manage to keep it in. You know, and we all want the same thing, to feel and be loved. The thing I don't understand is, how we can ever be tired of our insomniac relationships but still expect the love we always had without giving any in return. Even the desperation of wanting what it was isn't enough to actually try, to tend to our partner's needs and hopefully mend it back to what we always wanted but, was never truly aware when we had it. And that's the paradox to it all; we will always believe that we don't have it now until months later, when things are even worse. The thing we miss the most is living in the moment, we let boredom scare us away when solitude together should be the most magical thing.
astro blossomic Omg ... this is totally what happened to me , whAt I didn’t realise is , I never listened to his needs, and didn’t fully accept the way he is , which separated us from what we were ,and the love he got for me
I expected the love to be as strong , but a relationship cannot survive only on love , it’s patience,understanding,Loyalty , attention,, sometimes we don’t give the same amount of what we want of our partners , I wanted more affection but I wasn’t affectionate enough neither , I wanted a super interesting conversation but I wouldn’t put all my attention to listen ...
I blamed everything on him not loving me , but I realised , he does love me , it just got rough and we forgot how to keep it
I realised that the more desperate and more angry you got , the less you going to get from them
And they will never run to you when in problems or feeling bad ,
being kind but express your feelings that upset you , talking , never arguing never blaming the other person cause if u do the only things that pops in their head is “I won’t listen to you anymore “ or “you are such a problematic person “ , “stop with the drama“
Love is built , by two people who knows their flaws but still trying to be together and grow from mistakes
It’s never 50/50 , sometimes it’s 70/30 , and you have to suck it up , but when you fall then your partner will pick you up
@Jose Elizondo thank you so much ily💗
@@kalima13 I couldn't agree more.. it's the trickiest thing in life, learning to love correctly but it's worth it in the end💗
@@siennac8826 Seems correct.
That hit really hard.
I am stunned by the veracity of this video! Amazing. Thank you.
Thank you for all of these. Years of frustration and pain clearly laid out and explained in unbiased easy to watch videos. 👌👌👌
so grateful for these videos. I wish these were around for my past relationship, but my current one is blossoming far better.
Once again, BRILLANT video! I am astonished how The School of Life has such exquisitely sound advice, coming from love, understanding, and COMMUNICATION. If we don't learn diplomatic and kind communication in relationships, we are really going nowhere, so for me it's a life long practice, and I am getting better! Keep up the excellent work School of Life,! And love the comedy in your videos, I find myself sometimes laughing out loud! 😂😍🤣
I've been watching these videos for the last 3 days to prepare for a talk with my partner. I'm feeling brave and kind of ready hahah
I find vulnerability AND keep reaching into an empty situation is occasionally- Tired of being tired. . .smelling the beautiful flowers of life are in abundance right about now - thanks
So that I know you know and we can remind each other.
So insightful. Thank you for this.
Who is the man behind this beautiful, warm, soothing, trustworthy voice? He sounds just like my long lost husband. Help me find him!
Alain de bottom
Whoever you are thank you for the info. It's helping me become more aware of how to handle things
This is SO helpful for people with BPD wow
You teach me what my parents couldn't.
Fighting our inner demons is one of the most difficult things to do... x'f
I'm trying to fight other people's inner demons but they won't listen or understand
as much as it hurt to essentially be called out via a youtube video, the video is accurate and i am at fault. this video caused me to reevaluate how i communicate with my partner and resolve to do better in the future. there is no reason to turn to anger and sarcasm when someone i love does one thing that is annoying. self love is integral to loving others.
this should be taught to parents as well
This resonates with me deeply and makes everything in my relationship make sense
Did anyone else not learn how to talk to a partner so they will listen?
Same. A lot of the videos on this channel tell you what's wrong, what you're doing wrong, how your actions hurt others (which is useful informatoin) but they don't tell you how to correct it. The only instruction I've heard so far in 6+ videos is to "communicate in a polite, calm, non-accusatory manner". The title of this video is absolutely NOT answered in the video.
Beautiful, beautiful animation!
OH BOY DID THIS STRIKE A CORD
...Thank you for giving me more clarity
This was very mentally expanding for me. This is the exact thing that is going on in my relationship. I felt like I was going off the deep end for so long because no one would listen to me. Now I understand. This was immensely helpful. But now I am kind of puzzled as to what I should do next. What is appropriate? How do you "responsibly complain" to a partner about what you need from the relationship and have them listen now?
How good is this channel. Wonderfully explained with some really good depth. Keep um coming
Great video! Now please make one about Being a Partner Who Will Listen
aww man this is so true it made me so emotional to hear it
These videos save me relationship
Wow I’m the person getting yelled at with angry in this situation. But that totally makes sense about the childhood part because his dad is very stern and doesn’t offer anyone else’s opinion on anything. This made me understand a bit better
So your husband would get upset with you any time he felt like his perspective/opinion wasn't being considered? Or did it manifest in a different way? =O
Beautiful video! Love the aesthetic
Was looking at this to try and learn how to get my partner to listen to the actual words that I say. And in turn, I got a lesson about how he probably feels. And I know his bitterness and anger do indeed come from a place of self loathing or low self worth. But I feel like he may be offended by me sending this to him.
Exactly when I need the advice as usual!
Nice video as usual فيديو رائع
It is so enlightened.
Thankies from Morocco
Very good animation. Really outstanding. Sutil and on point.
I’m profoundly deaf and mute most of the time although I’m able to talk sometimes ! spoken communication is tough on the days when I have no voice… I can lip read but mostly avoid contact with others so this isn’t really a problem for me as I’m a bit of a loner overall but I do value the company of friends every now & again
This is so fascinating and true, amazing!
"Bitterness is rage that's been muffled by shame. We resort to bitter attack when we don't deep down feel that we're entitled to protest."
It's amazing how Artificial intelligence knows how I'm feeling at the moment
Please do a video on generalized anixety disorder
+ And how to comfort a friend/sibling who has one..
It's difficult to give advice on a disorder, since a disorder is an illness. But how you cope with a friend who has a disorder could make for a good video.
These are absolutely excellent.
I need this so much
I love this channel
The happiest relationship, is one who communicates. My love is my best friend. Try to start off with being they're friend first. I never run out of things to talk about with my love ♡ #10.years.strong.
How to be heard is to trying to be positive no matter how much bs is happening in the world. 9 times out of 10 it's the world that affects your reltionship, not you two as a couple.
Amazing video! I love your content and i think it will be even more helpful if the videos would have a text transcription also.
3:55 we are always able to walk able from a bad relationship
Love you, guys.
Thank you... points to ponder and correct in ourselves. But would have loved to know How to communicate exactly. What words to use in a sample scenario. Is there another video on that? If not, could you please make one 🙏
I think this is also applicable to any close relationship, be it your friend, sibling or parents. It is learning the art of communication and being conscious of what is going on inside your head.
Thank you for this video.
Ps. Am i the only one bothered by the balloon like hands animation?
Relationships are a two way system understanding and communicating.
Awesome and informative video
Maybe by listening
I love the animation! :)