......summed all the points up: 1. You, me, everyone is imperfect (but probably all of us are a bit crazy) ... an everyone needs forgiveness, 2. ensure love also thorough conflicts, don't scare anyone you love, 3. don't expect immediate changes, 4. every other possible partner would probably be at least as annoying as our current one, 5. everyone is sensitive in their own way and even probably a little traumatised / coping with something in maybe complicated ways - and we need to respect that, 6. sleep over the problem, then look how to solve it, 7. [give each other the security we need to] be direct, 8. it isn't about winning or losing, nor about being right or wrong, there is no concurrence - love is no battle.
My SO and I never had a fight but we voice about our concerns as soon as possible. Sometimes, if I'm anxious or can't concentrate on the subject, we wait until tomorrow to talk about it, so we have time to figure out what exactly is the problem and how we can over come it. With this, we have weekly meetings, we talk about goals, voice concerns, and just a catch up of what happened this week that we didn't mention to each other. There is never yelling, name calling, or brining up the past. Even though I've come close to doing all that, I catch myself. It's taken a lot of hard work to do that, but in all, it's all about setting your pride and ego down and truly be in the moment.
@@sheilablake4858 it goes to show there are all kinds of people out there and, even better, everyone can find someone compatible with them :) if this strategy works for them, awesome! you can be organized and emotionally intelligent and also capable of feeling and expressing passion and being spontaneous, personalities are complex like that.
I usually try to avoid arguments because most of the times I end up more ashamed and hurt by the way I lost my temper than I am by whatever was bothering me initially. However, there is no avoiding them without leading to estrangement so I'm very thankful for this advice. I avoid arguments because I'm afraid they will change the dynamic in the relationship to something more malign. Sometimes I see those couples who've been together for a long time and they've seen the worst of each-other so they no longer even try to be courtly with their partner. While I admire the resilience of such a partnership, I find that very sad. It's hugely comforting to have someone that can take a rave from us but I think it's even more wonderful to have someone that is mindful of both our positive and our wicked sides but constantly tries to bring out the best of us.
you've explained eloquently something i've always felt. Everything you say i agree with and relate to. I really like the part in the video about how it's necessary to show our "bad side", because I -for some reason- have always felt i must hide my bad side (insecurities and fears mostly) in order to be loved. Also, the part about being too polite... i've always been like that, but it was out of fear of ending up the way you mention: all respect and all lovey dovey perfection lost forever due to cruel reality.
It’s true that it’s good to show your other side to your partner but you also have to remember that your partner is ready to see it as in your partner will accept it and still treat you with respect afterwards.
I wish such lectures were part of our school curriculum. In this era of romanticism, where not much of criticism is usually given to the idea itself, and it is expected of us to abide by it, such videos are a boon for anyone striving to attain a sane relationship.
I absolutely think so, too. There should be a unit in every primary school called "How to make and be a good friend", aimed at that audience, and then in high school "navigating interpersonal relationships" - it's essential to have some sort basic knowledge of common problems in relationships and knowledge of some of the concepts psychology has hit upon that can help people understand themselves and relate to others. It's even essential in the workplace, which is what school is supposedly preparing us for.
Oh no, not in this snowflake snowglobe. The center left would be outraged at the insinuation in state or national institutions that people are horrible and that human nature is indeed inherently bad or neutral, rather than inherently good. This channel completely contradicts the disgusting conceits of post-modern secular humanism.
@@christinash2235 I love JP as much as the next guy, but I think you may have been main-ling too many of his vids. First of all, no one actually made any judgements on the fundamental morality of humans, we just commented on the utility of practical perspectives on relationships and learning how to navigate them. Secondly, secular humanism has got nothing to do with "post-modernism" (however you'd like to define the latter) and neither of them claim fundamental goodness on behalf of human nature, either. It's funny that you seem so angry about something which you really don't understand well. Perhaps ask some questions instead of making outraged statements.
Problems in relationships are of 2 kinds: the ones you could tolerate, and the deal breakers. Once you've decided what the "deal breaker" problems are for you, save yourself the pain and suffering by not getting into a relationship with someone who you know has them. People don't change easily
I think some of us who are new to relationships might do this but not know what good deal breakers are. Obviously acts of violence and abuse are a good place to start. But where do we go from there? Not all disagreements are created equal.
@@novembrine29 yes, so true. Sometimes due to our inexperience, we don't even know within our hearts what may later become a deal breaker. My ex-fiancé kept photos and memories of his ex-fiancé everywhere, even though he said he didn't love her anymore. I was okay with it in theory. To this day, I don't know why I never really felt okay with it.
Deal breakers are relative... For sure this is about patience and tolerance. But nevertheless it's about understanding why something bother oneself, usually we just can't accept our shadows projected into the other.
I'm the opposite. If they only express emotion without the facts and logic, I'm at a loss for how to comfort and support them, or change my future behavior. Sure, share your feelings man, but for the love of all that is holy tell me the facts and logic behind it all.
True, arguments are inevitable! But it is possible to argue in a respectful way and feel close after the fight and that is by keeping in mind that all we all looking for is acceptance and love. Thanks for the video, amazing as always!
I feel like this video is made for me ... I just happened to have a fight with my love which started off as an argument... I was thinking to myself, why do we do this often? I love her with all my heart and she does too... But we happened to argue a lot.... This video really clears a lot of things in the minds of people going through this phase like me.... This channel truly is a blessing! 🙌
Why? It's possible to be in a happy relationship and never argue. I've seen longstanding happily married couples, who put down some of the longevity of their relationship to never arguing.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and we've lived together for 3 years. Before we even started dating we made it clear what we like/don't like in a relationship. I told him that it's a big pet peeve of mine when people get defensive, myself included. We emphasized communication rather than arguing and ignoring. If my boyfriend does something that makes me feel a certain way (& vice versa), I let him know by saying 'when you did this it made me feel like this. What can we do to work together and fix it.' We work as a team and I find it way more affective than fighting. We do have the occasional arguments, but they're either debates or they end before they turn into something else. I don't condone fighting in a relationship, but rather open and honest communication where both partners are working together to fix it.
Sho you just stated that you have debates or arguments that neither of you escalate... that is NORMAL for a healthy relationship. People who say they don’t argue or people who get into insane physical or mentally abusive fights are NOT in a healthy relationship.
Dumfries Spearhead it’s called getting run over, not having a backbone... u name it. If you can’t recall a time when you disagreed with your partner you are either a robot or a spineless fool.
I always try to remove myself from the situation, think about it and calm down. Then come back and resolve the problem in a calm manner. If a woman won't let me go cool off and think about it I know that it's not going to last. I'm surprised how many people seem to want you to lose your temper instead of taking time to think about the problem.
I know what you mean. For me, I have attachment issues and really like to talk through things ASAP because I am afraid my partner will leave me. Or if they leave the house to go cool down I have fear of being cheated on. It’s because it has happened to me in the past. Thankfully my partner hasn’t given up on me and I have built trust inside myself again. I just ask him to be gentle and let me know he loves me but needs to step away to calm down. It’s helping me to not have anxiety.
I believe the key to arguing reasonably lies within accepting that all people make mistakes, understanding your own emotions well, and trying to express your emotions well. When both you and your partner does this, things become a lot less unbearable. Me and my partner have very different families. We find some ways of relationship very odd because of this. It makes us anxious. But when it's put into words without blaming anyone, it becomes understandable. For example, instead of saying "It's very weird what you guys are doing in that house", saying "My family was drastically different than this, we did the opposite all the time! I'm so not used to this. I'm trying to understand but it's hard." I believe is much better. Both practically mean the same thing, but the second one acknowledges that people have different kinds of family relationships and it might be hard to understand others but it's okay.
Thanks for reminding me that despite flaws, ugliness, and being more dumb than I'd care to admit. Love is still available to those who fight (respectfully) for it.
The truth is normally bearable for those who care for us. Beautiful true statement. It seems to be that you’re saying that having difficult conversations is a requirement of a caring relationship but that the timing matters and that self accountability matters
The problem with all of these videos is that they assume that being “right” is simply a matter of being self-righteous. It’s not. It’s about justice. I shouldn’t have to tolerate someone berating me if that berating is based on nonsense. And if being right doesn’t matter then why can’t my opponent concede defeat? Simple: they tried to win using logic, they failed, and so now they cry that it’s “not about being right”.
This is the first school of life video I take serious issue with. If you watch it thinking about an abusive relationship then the premise is basically - it’s ok if someone mistreats you or scares you as long as they love you. There is also something to be said about feeling so safe you can air your concerns calmly and immediately, rather than waiting for them to boil over into a screaming match. I do not think yelling and slamming doors is the hallmark of a healthy relationship- please be cautious school of life- you may have just convinced people being abused that it is actually love!
yes abuse is something to call out - I think they are talking about the parts of us that are passionate and firey and can be helped to come back into pure love with patience and understanding and communication. NVC appears to be a great framework in communicating without judgement but with an emphasis on seeking understanding on what someone is truly needing deep down. Sometimes our strategies to get our needs met can hurt another, but when we understand the other is coming from a deep need for connection then we can heal
Arguing is a collision of priorities and every arguement you should come close to an agreement of matching up your values in life. If you stray further from each other, you will lose each other...
Every time i think i'm doing things the right way, school of life comes with a video to show me how wrong i was all along and all the mistakes I've been doing... Thanks
Never wait until tomorrow ! Learn to at minimum agree to disagree and pick it up later ! But learn to express all your points freely with each other....
I don't care what anybody says: Name-calling, door-slamming, shouting, and any other hurtful and/or hysterical type of behavior in a relationship is a MAJOR turn-off. Is it normal? Probably. As are a lot of other avoidable problems, like overweight, credit card debt, and social media addiction. Doesn't make any of them right. Sure, disagree with each other. But don't fight. Nothing good ever came from fighting that couldn't have been solved otherwise or prevented in the first place. Don't have arguments. Have DEBATES. Communicate openly, honestly, and, above all, calmly and respectfully. The sex can still be as aggressive as you want it to be.
That's some sick talent right there. Thank you, folks. You gave me the perfect framework to deal with my romantic relationship current issues. Keep up the amazing work!
I partly agree with waiting until tomorrow but depending on context I know my gf and I have an agreement to never go to bed mad at one another. Even if it takes until the wee hours of the morning we'll talk it through until we're both comfortable and happier than where we started
Some arguments are made out of love. If one partner is being stubborn at accepting love or gifts because they feel they don't deserve them, maybe due to a past trauma, being able to argue your way in that they are loveable through disagreement can be very valuable.
People (couples) who are very sensitive, kind hearted, caring, thoughtful, intuitive, empathetic, emotionally intelligent and articulate do not need to fight like wolves over a carcass. We just need to talk to each other. You call it normal, but that is why there are so many divorces and broken relationships. Civility and respect are not dysfunctional..... but they are increasingly rare. We don't have to bully and yell because we actually listen to each other, and want to do what we can to make the other person feel loved and appreciated. Fighting and yelling is childish and non-productive. If you have to fight like this, you are with the wrong person, or you are the wrong person.
Trying to better myself now.. when me and my lady go head on with eachother while we argue we both say things we don’t mean and do damage to eachother because we don’t think when we argue we lash out at eachother with our emotions and then we both regret what we said.. I’m trying to be better and not trying to lose her over dumb stuff..
indeed, sometimes people only DARE to say something "negative" if they feel safe, it's a tricky and confusing balance to know: how much negativity is the BEST ammount, whether you're the one who should EXPECT and LISTEN to it, or if you're the one who could SAY it, it's confusing for both sides
I think I've learned this lesson a bit late. There's this thought I had about certain traits or issues were grounds to end things. When, in reality, I too needed to learn how to cope and not be avoidant.
I've always resented relationships that have too many arguments; whether it's mine or others'. And 9 out of 10 times, there's a split. I think a couple need to have a very strong foundation of love, friendship and commitment, before they have serious arguments; and those need to be fairly infrequent. Because arguments are emotionally draining; so only argue abt the really important stuff. Take turns to give in to your disagreements/differences, listen (and don't be defensive) if the other person is more hurt than you. Reach a compromise early then move away from the topic. If the relationship is important to you, then you'll avoid arguments as much as you can, because they cause hurt and you don't want to get hurt or hurt your partner regularly. If that is usually the case, then you're probably not a good match. Better to be single and at peace, than constantly being unhappy in a relationship.
You avoid this by respecting each other's point of view without manipulation and or gaslighting. I notice when ppl gaslight or manipulate while your partner is upset or expressing themselves that will lead to outburst my mom is good for that she won't talk just dismissive = I'm tired of her
Very good video. Myself I say the same thing to my soulmate before I give her a good 'smack in the snoot' that my parents told me.. "this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you".
What if you’re naturally agreeable? Not a pushover, just careful with your words and contemplative? From my experience, people like to argue or clash at one point or another and depriving them of that also upsets them.
What I’ve learned from TSOL is an argument is often a sign of anxiety, either with the relationship or with one’s self. Listening to a partner argue with this idea in the back of my mind helps me to respond with empathy rather than react poorly.
Narcissists do that. I know from experience. Will purposely do something to get a rise out of me, but then become angry when I give no response. Im with someone now who would never do such a thing. Gotta find a level headed, emotionally mature person. Not every human being does that.
Thank you for this. I feel this is an under-watched video, but hugely important. I appreciate, as well as all your work trying to help people who are trying to have long term non-trauma-repeating relationships
1. Forgive. 2. Love your partner in the moment, despite the stubbornness. 3. Do not try to change your partner. 4. There is no such thing as a perfect partner. 5. Our partner is almost always only lashing out because they are frightened, worried, or not thinking-straight -- this is based on past events/wiring in our subconscious. 6. Be selective when you argue. Wait until tomorrow to pick the fight, if you even still care by then. 7. Name the problem. Be truthful, but speak in gentleness/love. 8. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be kind/happy? We are not trying to win, but trying to live happily and comfortably with another person who is our best friend and on our side. Conclusion at 4:23... It's wrapped up so nicely, I recommend watching it :) I've been married a little less than a year, and when my partner and I keep this points in mind, there is such a vast difference in our day-to-day.
Hi Sunnyday ...I need advice on Menopause and Mental trauma Depression and Panic attack... My gf broke up with me twice and for 3rd time all same reason she said i am the root cause of her mental craziness She having insomnia couldnt sleep at night , and affecting her mental health….should I pull away or show my love or care by initiating contact? She didn’t text me for 43days She also having problem with Neck Degeneration and back pain..she is in her Menopause age… Should I be more caring like a Beta or I should Dont care like Alpha to just respond only when she reach out She want to do her own thing and I wonder whether am I the part time bf or she only need me when she want to ? I tried to arrange appointment with Doctors…she rather go on her own but medicine or gynae or chiropractic couldnt help her …she blame me is the source of her Mental Stress by me wanting her to put more effort on our relationship she feel pressure till she break down telling me she need rest..i told her she need Love but she said she want peace and to heal on her own.. How to save the relationship with a gf having Menopause and Medical and Mental health ? Today is Day 43 No Contact She said if she miss me she will contact me
Look inside,see the pain,the suffering,the joy and the secrets. Accept them,love them as your friends.Love yourself.Understand that your otherself is just like you,feel and have their feelings and pain. Love your otherself and empathize about their view and condition. Its all beyond,after search,real search you see that the world you see is in fact yourself,a mirror.
sadly, this only applies to "average" or "healthy" humans. abusive or unhealthy relationships are a thing, and this kind of message can fuel the inner thought of a victim that they are doing something wrong, or that they should endure the mistreatment when they clearly need to get out.
I think this is directed more to couples or people too scared to speak up out of being scared of arguing and losing a person. That kind of mentality is unhealthy too
*NOBODY is Perfect! Be ok with the imperfections and listen to criticism of your spouse, loved ones to improve yourself to be the best version of yourself and in the end, live happily with one another* Winny out... _for now_ 😉
I remember a fight I had with my s/o. It was a serious argument but we were hugging all the way through it. It's hard to get angry and defensive when you're hugging,
@Jeric White There are no unicorns in this story It’s about still being affectionate while having a serious discussion about an issue. It’s effective communication. Idk why that’s impossible to believe.
But we have to bear in mind that sometimes no matter how well we fight, compatibility still matters. There's so many facets to a good and healthy relationship, dealbreakers, principles, values, chemistry, humour, and they all have to have a certain level of compatibility, varying for different people.
To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love - because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. ~ Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness, 32
It’s sad that this channel doesn’t do any type of Philosophy anymore. I fell in love watching all the philosophy videos on their philosophy playlist but they no longer do this anymore 😢
My friends are always so confused when I tell them that I couldn't be in a relationship with a someone, with who i could never have an argument or a fight
Wow, I really needed this video. Can you guys add subtitles on other languages? I want it to be in portuguese so I can show it to my partner. It already has English subs, just enable the option to auto translate to other languages. The title is show on Portuguese for me, even though there is no options for subtitles.
Agradezco enormemente todos los videos que hacen, sus consejos me han ayudado mucho a avanzar y saber cómo puedo trabajar mi relación. Sin embargo, llegaría a muchas más personas si agregaran subtítulos en español.
I broke up with my boyfriend almost two weeks ago - on Christmas Eve, to be specific. We had been together since 2016. At the beginning, I told him I was diagnosed with BPD. He understood. Later on, he started going to therapy (because of his own demons), and I stood behind. We argued, but because of my BPD and my lack of proper communication and his persistence on not leaving me on my own, made everything explode. I kinda learned how to be less hurtful towards him, as he has always been pretty understanding. We moved together six months ago, and shit went downhill. My condition got worse, I started cutting again, smoking alot, having severe suicidal thoughts, felt he was going to abandone me, started getting angry over silly things, and I sense I smothered him. He started being quite rude. He insulted me, and treated me as a if I were a burden. So on Christmas I had a collapse, I called him in search of reassurance and empathy, he was drunk, so do I, we started fighting and he broke up with me. I planned talking to him once things cool off a bit, but everytime we accidentally see eachother, or whenever his mum invites me to their place, he goes nuts. I don't know what to do. Despite fights, we do get along pretty well. I really want to sort this out. I may see him next week on our flat - I have to carve some etchings and print them and he has to do an exam. Can someone please give me an advice?
Plus he used to be such a charm - he tolerated me with love. I'm starting therapy this month, and I'm currently taking Prozac. I need to regain his trust, and I need him to understand BPD is an illness, not a choice...
Calling each other the worst things may be normal, but it is not healthy behaviour. If its happening a lot, its important to reach out for help. Without any kind of intervention from a third perspective things can get progressively worse.
Hey! This channel is awesome! Can you please make a video on how to open up to people and have more meaningful conversations, I know there is a lot of videos about this but its something I really struggle with and I find the way you guys explain things really help :) Thanks guys, you're awesome!
Fighting is good for a relationship, if you can hit friction and find a compromise that structures for both partners -- you'll come up having won a relationship battle most people lose regularly... Making it past that next point of friction and not only learning from it but avoiding repeating that friction.
There was a time when I wanted to fight, and do certain things, ........and later on get out of the relationship but now I am so tired that I don’t want to do any of this. I just want to be. Have no desire or energy to engage in fighting, or trying to change certain things. It’s a waste of time. Literally.
What do you do if you feel like that getting angry, that furious row, those hurtful comments that you've been thinking of quite often, but dare not say because of; a) fear that it might truly deeply upset and hurt the other person b) wanting to be above the fighting, wanting it to end rather than go on c) that the other person may not choose to come back to you, to reconcile? Especially if you feel like they are the one in the "wrong", having (temporarily) treated you worse than you feel like you've treated them?
The problem with couples who brag about "we've never been in a fight," is that when the time comes where there is a huge problem, it will have been years into the relationship, and youre finally faced with the insanity and madness of that person youve never seen before and wont know how to handle it. Gotta see sides of a person before you know them completely.
The cardiogram wave at 0:20 ends exactly on the line of the video in the box next to it, if from desktop and if you've watched the suggested video, lol.
If you'd like to meet and chat with other people who follow The School of Life online, do download our new app - which is available on ios, Android and desktop: bit.ly/2reyMJU
just a quick reminder that arguing doesn’t have to be toxic in the first place by choosing your words carefully? it seems weird (to me at least) that you have to put out your negative emotions that way.. i think human beings have to chill a bit lol
i can't concentrate because of the cuteness of the horses lol
They are mules
kkg T, that was such important information... :)
Did you notice the spotted horse has shoes?
right ? fucking cute distracting horses .
Majoring in minor things.
......summed all the points up:
1. You, me, everyone is imperfect (but probably all of us are a bit crazy) ... an everyone needs forgiveness,
2. ensure love also thorough conflicts, don't scare anyone you love,
3. don't expect immediate changes,
4. every other possible partner would probably be at least as annoying as our current one,
5. everyone is sensitive in their own way and even probably a little traumatised / coping with something in maybe complicated ways - and we need to respect that,
6. sleep over the problem, then look how to solve it,
7. [give each other the security we need to] be direct,
8. it isn't about winning or losing, nor about being right or wrong, there is no concurrence - love is no battle.
Thanks
This channel is a blessing 💜
It is indeed, I can't be helpful enough to how much this channel has changed my life.
Alain De Botton is a blessing
My SO and I never had a fight but we voice about our concerns as soon as possible. Sometimes, if I'm anxious or can't concentrate on the subject, we wait until tomorrow to talk about it, so we have time to figure out what exactly is the problem and how we can over come it. With this, we have weekly meetings, we talk about goals, voice concerns, and just a catch up of what happened this week that we didn't mention to each other. There is never yelling, name calling, or brining up the past. Even though I've come close to doing all that, I catch myself. It's taken a lot of hard work to do that, but in all, it's all about setting your pride and ego down and truly be in the moment.
AdventureWithArielle - Scheduling a weekly meeting to air your arguments? Wow, your relationship must be filled with passion!
@@sheilablake4858 it goes to show there are all kinds of people out there and, even better, everyone can find someone compatible with them :) if this strategy works for them, awesome! you can be organized and emotionally intelligent and also capable of feeling and expressing passion and being spontaneous, personalities are complex like that.
Omg I love the idea of weekly meetings. Just setting time apart to catch up. Sounds great
This is EXACTLY what my SO and I started to do. It's feeling better already!
this is exactly what we've been doing too. it's very effective to avoid worse fights
How to love in a fight.
brilliant.
Angry sex fixes everything, trust me, I'm a doctor
THIS PULLED MY HEART STRINGS
Make-up sex is not so bad, either, A.H.
I usually try to avoid arguments because most of the times I end up more ashamed and hurt by the way I lost my temper than I am by whatever was bothering me initially. However, there is no avoiding them without leading to estrangement so I'm very thankful for this advice.
I avoid arguments because I'm afraid they will change the dynamic in the relationship to something more malign. Sometimes I see those couples who've been together for a long time and they've seen the worst of each-other so they no longer even try to be courtly with their partner. While I admire the resilience of such a partnership, I find that very sad.
It's hugely comforting to have someone that can take a rave from us but I think it's even more wonderful to have someone that is mindful of both our positive and our wicked sides but constantly tries to bring out the best of us.
Nicely put
Well articulated
Agreed
you've explained eloquently something i've always felt. Everything you say i agree with and relate to.
I really like the part in the video about how it's necessary to show our "bad side", because I -for some reason- have always felt i must hide my bad side (insecurities and fears mostly) in order to be loved. Also, the part about being too polite... i've always been like that, but it was out of fear of ending up the way you mention: all respect and all lovey dovey perfection lost forever due to cruel reality.
It’s true that it’s good to show your other side to your partner but you also have to remember that your partner is ready to see it as in your partner will accept it and still treat you with respect afterwards.
I wish such lectures were part of our school curriculum. In this era of romanticism, where not much of criticism is usually given to the idea itself, and it is expected of us to abide by it, such videos are a boon for anyone striving to attain a sane relationship.
I absolutely think so, too. There should be a unit in every primary school called "How to make and be a good friend", aimed at that audience, and then in high school "navigating interpersonal relationships" - it's essential to have some sort basic knowledge of common problems in relationships and knowledge of some of the concepts psychology has hit upon that can help people understand themselves and relate to others. It's even essential in the workplace, which is what school is supposedly preparing us for.
Oh no, not in this snowflake snowglobe. The center left would be outraged at the insinuation in state or national institutions that people are horrible and that human nature is indeed inherently bad or neutral, rather than inherently good. This channel completely contradicts the disgusting conceits of post-modern secular humanism.
@@christinash2235 I love JP as much as the next guy, but I think you may have been main-ling too many of his vids. First of all, no one actually made any judgements on the fundamental morality of humans, we just commented on the utility of practical perspectives on relationships and learning how to navigate them. Secondly, secular humanism has got nothing to do with "post-modernism" (however you'd like to define the latter) and neither of them claim fundamental goodness on behalf of human nature, either. It's funny that you seem so angry about something which you really don't understand well. Perhaps ask some questions instead of making outraged statements.
Very well written OP comment!
Problems in relationships are of 2 kinds: the ones you could tolerate, and the deal breakers.
Once you've decided what the "deal breaker" problems are for you, save yourself the pain and suffering by not getting into a relationship with someone who you know has them.
People don't change easily
And trying to change people always leads to complete failure
I think some of us who are new to relationships might do this but not know what good deal breakers are. Obviously acts of violence and abuse are a good place to start. But where do we go from there? Not all disagreements are created equal.
@@novembrine29 yes, so true. Sometimes due to our inexperience, we don't even know within our hearts what may later become a deal breaker. My ex-fiancé kept photos and memories of his ex-fiancé everywhere, even though he said he didn't love her anymore. I was okay with it in theory. To this day, I don't know why I never really felt okay with it.
Deal breakers are relative... For sure this is about patience and tolerance. But nevertheless it's about understanding why something bother oneself, usually we just can't accept our shadows projected into the other.
That's a really succinct way of putting it.
I wanna repeat this everyday in the mirror
“It doesn’t matter if we are right”
Relationships are just consistency, mutual respect, and perseverance.
Wow, so true...and so rare.
There are rewards to that MY LIFE IS A MEME MY LIFE IS PATHETIC.
"Some times it is better to be happy instead of right".
Significant other DESTROYS partner's self-esteem with FACTS and LOGIC
Would you rather be right or happy?
yo this was forreal my last relationship it was fckin horrible
Not quite. Nobody has the power to destroying anothers' self-esteem. Unless u have a problem then they can.
I'm the opposite. If they only express emotion without the facts and logic, I'm at a loss for how to comfort and support them, or change my future behavior. Sure, share your feelings man, but for the love of all that is holy tell me the facts and logic behind it all.
I hope you're kidding, because if this is you, oh boy
True, arguments are inevitable! But it is possible to argue in a respectful way and feel close after the fight and that is by keeping in mind that all we all looking for is acceptance and love. Thanks for the video, amazing as always!
I feel like this video is made for me ... I just happened to have a fight with my love which started off as an argument... I was thinking to myself, why do we do this often? I love her with all my heart and she does too... But we happened to argue a lot....
This video really clears a lot of things in the minds of people going through this phase like me....
This channel truly is a blessing! 🙌
Please can you do a video about Loneliness and Difficulty making friends- I’m sure it’ll relate to many people
I agree. I am alone and very conservative .
For me, feeling alone is the same as feeling bored.
Nathan Lodge being alone and being lonely are two different things though, lonely hurts but alone is okay
@@user-uc3fd4jj6j Might just be how I reason with my reclusiveness xD
Really need that
I look at people funny when they tell me they NEVER argue...
Why? It's possible to be in a happy relationship and never argue. I've seen longstanding happily married couples, who put down some of the longevity of their relationship to never arguing.
@@toomuchinformation You know you're wrong and that they're spouting bullshit right? I hope you know that.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and we've lived together for 3 years. Before we even started dating we made it clear what we like/don't like in a relationship. I told him that it's a big pet peeve of mine when people get defensive, myself included. We emphasized communication rather than arguing and ignoring. If my boyfriend does something that makes me feel a certain way (& vice versa), I let him know by saying 'when you did this it made me feel like this. What can we do to work together and fix it.' We work as a team and I find it way more affective than fighting.
We do have the occasional arguments, but they're either debates or they end before they turn into something else. I don't condone fighting in a relationship, but rather open and honest communication where both partners are working together to fix it.
Sho you just stated that you have debates or arguments that neither of you escalate... that is NORMAL for a healthy relationship. People who say they don’t argue or people who get into insane physical or mentally abusive fights are NOT in a healthy relationship.
Dumfries Spearhead it’s called getting run over, not having a backbone... u name it. If you can’t recall a time when you disagreed with your partner you are either a robot or a spineless fool.
Thanks for always reminding me I’m alone, School of life!
Lol
You make it sound like it's a bad thing!
haha
But this advice doesn't always have to apply to romantic relationships, but all sorts: family, friend too.
I always try to remove myself from the situation, think about it and calm down. Then come back and resolve the problem in a calm manner. If a woman won't let me go cool off and think about it I know that it's not going to last. I'm surprised how many people seem to want you to lose your temper instead of taking time to think about the problem.
hey. sometimes its about passion. if there isn't any that's a problem.
I know what you mean. For me, I have attachment issues and really like to talk through things ASAP because I am afraid my partner will leave me. Or if they leave the house to go cool down I have fear of being cheated on. It’s because it has happened to me in the past. Thankfully my partner hasn’t given up on me and I have built trust inside myself again. I just ask him to be gentle and let me know he loves me but needs to step away to calm down. It’s helping me to not have anxiety.
I believe the key to arguing reasonably lies within accepting that all people make mistakes, understanding your own emotions well, and trying to express your emotions well. When both you and your partner does this, things become a lot less unbearable.
Me and my partner have very different families. We find some ways of relationship very odd because of this. It makes us anxious. But when it's put into words without blaming anyone, it becomes understandable. For example, instead of saying "It's very weird what you guys are doing in that house", saying "My family was drastically different than this, we did the opposite all the time! I'm so not used to this. I'm trying to understand but it's hard." I believe is much better. Both practically mean the same thing, but the second one acknowledges that people have different kinds of family relationships and it might be hard to understand others but it's okay.
Thanks for reminding me that despite flaws, ugliness, and being more dumb than I'd care to admit. Love is still available to those who fight (respectfully) for it.
If I will ever have a partner I hope he won't be a horse 😁
They can be very friendly...
@@davidbush6458 BoJack Horseman?
I wouldn't complain if my boyfriend was called Horse :P
But u will like it if its that big as a horse :P
But what can do one girl and one horse... OH NO. NO NO NO I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
I watch this every time after a fight
The truth is normally bearable for those who care for us. Beautiful true statement. It seems to be that you’re saying that having difficult conversations is a requirement of a caring relationship but that the timing matters and that self accountability matters
The problem with all of these videos is that they assume that being “right” is simply a matter of being self-righteous. It’s not. It’s about justice. I shouldn’t have to tolerate someone berating me if that berating is based on nonsense. And if being right doesn’t matter then why can’t my opponent concede defeat? Simple: they tried to win using logic, they failed, and so now they cry that it’s “not about being right”.
Spot on timing
Lolo Britto For me too! thank you 🙏🏻
I know, it’s so ironic for me lol
same. Same.
Same here :)
👍
Excellent animation style
This was so good and really made me think about how i treat the people around me sometimes, with a sense of false superiority. Thank you.
This is the first school of life video I take serious issue with. If you watch it thinking about an abusive relationship then the premise is basically - it’s ok if someone mistreats you or scares you as long as they love you. There is also something to be said about feeling so safe you can air your concerns calmly and immediately, rather than waiting for them to boil over into a screaming match. I do not think yelling and slamming doors is the hallmark of a healthy relationship- please be cautious school of life- you may have just convinced people being abused that it is actually love!
yes abuse is something to call out - I think they are talking about the parts of us that are passionate and firey and can be helped to come back into pure love with patience and understanding and communication. NVC appears to be a great framework in communicating without judgement but with an emphasis on seeking understanding on what someone is truly needing deep down. Sometimes our strategies to get our needs met can hurt another, but when we understand the other is coming from a deep need for connection then we can heal
Arguing is a collision of priorities and every arguement you should come close to an agreement of matching up your values in life. If you stray further from each other, you will lose each other...
Every time i think i'm doing things the right way, school of life comes with a video to show me how wrong i was all along and all the mistakes I've been doing... Thanks
Never wait until tomorrow !
Learn to at minimum agree to disagree and pick it up later !
But learn to express all your points freely with each other....
I don't care what anybody says: Name-calling, door-slamming, shouting, and any other hurtful and/or hysterical type of behavior in a relationship is a MAJOR turn-off.
Is it normal? Probably. As are a lot of other avoidable problems, like overweight, credit card debt, and social media addiction. Doesn't make any of them right.
Sure, disagree with each other. But don't fight. Nothing good ever came from fighting that couldn't have been solved otherwise or prevented in the first place.
Don't have arguments. Have DEBATES. Communicate openly, honestly, and, above all, calmly and respectfully.
The sex can still be as aggressive as you want it to be.
That's some sick talent right there. Thank you, folks. You gave me the perfect framework to deal with my romantic relationship current issues. Keep up the amazing work!
I partly agree with waiting until tomorrow but depending on context I know my gf and I have an agreement to never go to bed mad at one another. Even if it takes until the wee hours of the morning we'll talk it through until we're both comfortable and happier than where we started
Some arguments are made out of love. If one partner is being stubborn at accepting love or gifts because they feel they don't deserve them, maybe due to a past trauma, being able to argue your way in that they are loveable through disagreement can be very valuable.
People (couples) who are very sensitive, kind hearted, caring, thoughtful, intuitive, empathetic, emotionally intelligent and articulate do not need to fight like wolves over a carcass. We just need to talk to each other. You call it normal, but that is why there are so many divorces and broken relationships. Civility and respect are not dysfunctional..... but they are increasingly rare. We don't have to bully and yell because we actually listen to each other, and want to do what we can to make the other person feel loved and appreciated. Fighting and yelling is childish and non-productive. If you have to fight like this, you are with the wrong person, or you are the wrong person.
Trying to better myself now.. when me and my lady go head on with eachother while we argue we both say things we don’t mean and do damage to eachother because we don’t think when we argue we lash out at eachother with our emotions and then we both regret what we said.. I’m trying to be better and not trying to lose her over dumb stuff..
the animation is very cute.
indeed, sometimes people only DARE to say something "negative" if they feel safe,
it's a tricky and confusing balance to know: how much negativity is the BEST ammount,
whether you're the one who should EXPECT and LISTEN to it,
or if you're the one who could SAY it,
it's confusing for both sides
Solid advice. I took small excerpts from this and really saved a dear friendship with some nuggets of truth from this.
I love this channel so much. Its really a life saver.
I think I've learned this lesson a bit late. There's this thought I had about certain traits or issues were grounds to end things. When, in reality, I too needed to learn how to cope and not be avoidant.
I've always resented relationships that have too many arguments; whether it's mine or others'. And 9 out of 10 times, there's a split. I think a couple need to have a very strong foundation of love, friendship and commitment, before they have serious arguments; and those need to be fairly infrequent. Because arguments are emotionally draining; so only argue abt the really important stuff. Take turns to give in to your disagreements/differences, listen (and don't be defensive) if the other person is more hurt than you. Reach a compromise early then move away from the topic.
If the relationship is important to you, then you'll avoid arguments as much as you can, because they cause hurt and you don't want to get hurt or hurt your partner regularly. If that is usually the case, then you're probably not a good match. Better to be single and at peace, than constantly being unhappy in a relationship.
Agreed. i feel like this video kind of romanticizes the idea of fighting often and intensely a tad much when it truly is something draining.
Couldn’t agree more, it also tries to shame couples who don’t really fight, and that just doesn’t sound right to me
I disagree on just one point because if you try hard enough, you can avoid ever calling each other names or bursting out in anger...
You avoid this by respecting each other's point of view without manipulation and or gaslighting. I notice when ppl gaslight or manipulate while your partner is upset or expressing themselves that will lead to outburst my mom is good for that she won't talk just dismissive = I'm tired of her
Literally needed this, didn't even had to search the specific video and they upload this? Thank u, blessing my day
Very good video. Myself I say the same thing to my soulmate before I give her a good 'smack in the snoot' that my parents told me.. "this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you".
What if you’re naturally agreeable? Not a pushover, just careful with your words and contemplative? From my experience, people like to argue or clash at one point or another and depriving them of that also upsets them.
Drama Queens.
Seems like to me, that people who "like to argue" probably don't feel like they have been heard. Maybe?? Just speculating.
What I’ve learned from TSOL is an argument is often a sign of anxiety, either with the relationship or with one’s self. Listening to a partner argue with this idea in the back of my mind helps me to respond with empathy rather than react poorly.
@@stuartg6606 That is useful! Thanks for posting.
Narcissists do that. I know from experience. Will purposely do something to get a rise out of me, but then become angry when I give no response. Im with someone now who would never do such a thing. Gotta find a level headed, emotionally mature person. Not every human being does that.
I have always stood by I waiting till tomorrow to talk to another about an issue. Really does work.
Thank you for this. I feel this is an under-watched video, but hugely important. I appreciate, as well as all your work trying to help people who are trying to have long term non-trauma-repeating relationships
1. Forgive.
2. Love your partner in the moment, despite the stubbornness.
3. Do not try to change your partner.
4. There is no such thing as a perfect partner.
5. Our partner is almost always only lashing out because they are frightened, worried, or not thinking-straight -- this is based on past events/wiring in our subconscious.
6. Be selective when you argue. Wait until tomorrow to pick the fight, if you even still care by then.
7. Name the problem. Be truthful, but speak in gentleness/love.
8. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be kind/happy? We are not trying to win, but trying to live happily and comfortably with another person who is our best friend and on our side.
Conclusion at 4:23... It's wrapped up so nicely, I recommend watching it :)
I've been married a little less than a year, and when my partner and I keep this points in mind, there is such a vast difference in our day-to-day.
Hi Sunnyday ...I need advice on Menopause and Mental trauma Depression and Panic attack...
My gf broke up with me twice and for 3rd time all same reason she said i am the root cause of her mental craziness
She having insomnia couldnt sleep at night , and affecting her mental health….should I pull away or show my love or care by initiating contact? She didn’t text me for 43days
She also having problem with Neck Degeneration and back pain..she is in her Menopause age…
Should I be more caring like a Beta or I should Dont care like Alpha to just respond only when she reach out
She want to do her own thing and I wonder whether am I the part time bf or she only need me when she want to ?
I tried to arrange appointment with Doctors…she rather go on her own but medicine or gynae or chiropractic couldnt help her …she blame me is the source of her Mental Stress by me wanting her to put more effort on our relationship she feel pressure till she break down telling me she need rest..i told her she need Love but she said she want peace and to heal on her own..
How to save the relationship with a gf having Menopause and Medical and Mental health ?
Today is Day 43 No Contact
She said if she miss me she will contact me
Look inside,see the pain,the suffering,the joy and the secrets. Accept them,love them as your friends.Love yourself.Understand that your otherself is just like you,feel and have their feelings and pain. Love your otherself and empathize about their view and condition. Its all beyond,after search,real search you see that the world you see is in fact yourself,a mirror.
I like the fact that he is using cute horses to describe a partners life instead of parasite humans.
The point about self righteousness is strong enough for its own video, much beyond couple topics
As much as I love them, this is the first time I have ever noticed them to be self-flattering!
sadly, this only applies to "average" or "healthy" humans. abusive or unhealthy relationships are a thing, and this kind of message can fuel the inner thought of a victim that they are doing something wrong, or that they should endure the mistreatment when they clearly need to get out.
you dont need all these things when you are in a healthy relationship
@@rohithreddy75 probably; this video romanticizes fighting a tad much (not that an argument cannot lead to understanding and reconciliation).
I think this is directed more to couples or people too scared to speak up out of being scared of arguing and losing a person. That kind of mentality is unhealthy too
@@stephaniezee9704 i'm exactly like that and i completely agree with you. this video helped me a lot.
not every piece of advice is for everyone.
I am so proud of your work, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL JOB!
*NOBODY is Perfect! Be ok with the imperfections and listen to criticism of your spouse, loved ones to improve yourself to be the best version of yourself and in the end, live happily with one another*
Winny out... _for now_ 😉
These videos really help me to be a better person. Its the parental guidance much of us don't really have... Thanks school of life!
I literally had a fight w my partner yesterday, how conveniently timed lol
I remember a fight I had with my s/o. It was a serious argument but we were hugging all the way through it.
It's hard to get angry and defensive when you're hugging,
@Jeric White There are no unicorns in this story
It’s about still being affectionate while having a serious discussion about an issue. It’s effective communication.
Idk why that’s impossible to believe.
1:18 SCARED TF OUTTA ME
But we have to bear in mind that sometimes no matter how well we fight, compatibility still matters. There's so many facets to a good and healthy relationship, dealbreakers, principles, values, chemistry, humour, and they all have to have a certain level of compatibility, varying for different people.
Well done! Thank you for taking the time to make this for humanity! Great work!
To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love - because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. ~ Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness, 32
This is the cutest video ever made on this channel. :)
Man, these horses are so cute...
My partner and I needed this today. Every word was reassuring and relevant.
It’s sad that this channel doesn’t do any type of Philosophy anymore. I fell in love watching all the philosophy videos on their philosophy playlist but they no longer do this anymore 😢
We're sorry to hear this makes you sad!
My friends are always so confused when I tell them that I couldn't be in a relationship with a someone, with who i could never have an argument or a fight
Let the quarrels be productive..
Wow, I really needed this video. Can you guys add subtitles on other languages? I want it to be in portuguese so I can show it to my partner. It already has English subs, just enable the option to auto translate to other languages. The title is show on Portuguese for me, even though there is no options for subtitles.
their facial expressions were so cute, had to replay some parts to catch what was being said. enjoyed watching and learning.
This was great. But of course it’s important to remember that none of it applies to fighting with a narcissist.
This was extremely helpful. I often (always) catch myself trying to win an argument. Also... cute horses hahahahahaha
Those shoes tho. And hat.
Thank you School of Life. I've always wanted to visualise horses in love, I just didn't know it yet....
Agradezco enormemente todos los videos que hacen, sus consejos me han ayudado mucho a avanzar y saber cómo puedo trabajar mi relación. Sin embargo, llegaría a muchas más personas si agregaran subtítulos en español.
Argument helps us to grow more as a person and to stay strong and of course, we should learn from all of our mistakes.
I loved the art on this one so much! I almost couldn't pay attention to the video haha, beautiful and great message!
Thank you for this video, I'm writing a story where the couple is coming back together after being the "perfect" couple who never argued
I don't even know how to thank The School of Life for all they've done for me.
I broke up with my boyfriend almost two weeks ago - on Christmas Eve, to be specific. We had been together since 2016. At the beginning, I told him I was diagnosed with BPD. He understood. Later on, he started going to therapy (because of his own demons), and I stood behind. We argued, but because of my BPD and my lack of proper communication and his persistence on not leaving me on my own, made everything explode. I kinda learned how to be less hurtful towards him, as he has always been pretty understanding. We moved together six months ago, and shit went downhill. My condition got worse, I started cutting again, smoking alot, having severe suicidal thoughts, felt he was going to abandone me, started getting angry over silly things, and I sense I smothered him. He started being quite rude. He insulted me, and treated me as a if I were a burden. So on Christmas I had a collapse, I called him in search of reassurance and empathy, he was drunk, so do I, we started fighting and he broke up with me. I planned talking to him once things cool off a bit, but everytime we accidentally see eachother, or whenever his mum invites me to their place, he goes nuts. I don't know what to do. Despite fights, we do get along pretty well. I really want to sort this out. I may see him next week on our flat - I have to carve some etchings and print them and he has to do an exam. Can someone please give me an advice?
Plus he used to be such a charm - he tolerated me with love. I'm starting therapy this month, and I'm currently taking Prozac. I need to regain his trust, and I need him to understand BPD is an illness, not a choice...
Calling each other the worst things may be normal, but it is not healthy behaviour. If its happening a lot, its important to reach out for help. Without any kind of intervention from a third perspective things can get progressively worse.
Thank you very much. You teach how to live a more peaceful life.
Hey! This channel is awesome! Can you please make a video on how to open up to people and have more meaningful conversations, I know there is a lot of videos about this but its something I really struggle with and I find the way you guys explain things really help :)
Thanks guys, you're awesome!
INCREDIBLE ANIMATION.
Fighting is good for a relationship, if you can hit friction and find a compromise that structures for both partners -- you'll come up having won a relationship battle most people lose regularly... Making it past that next point of friction and not only learning from it but avoiding repeating that friction.
There was a time when I wanted to fight, and do certain things, ........and later on get out of the relationship but now I am so tired that I don’t want to do any of this. I just want to be. Have no desire or energy to engage in fighting, or trying to change certain things. It’s a waste of time. Literally.
What do you do if you feel like that getting angry, that furious row, those hurtful comments that you've been thinking of quite often, but dare not say because of; a) fear that it might truly deeply upset and hurt the other person b) wanting to be above the fighting, wanting it to end rather than go on c) that the other person may not choose to come back to you, to reconcile? Especially if you feel like they are the one in the "wrong", having (temporarily) treated you worse than you feel like you've treated them?
Thank you. Also, the animation is so beautiful!!
This Channel is a blessing
Slam Doors
Horse: *Slams Hoof*
The problem with couples who brag about "we've never been in a fight," is that when the time comes where there is a huge problem, it will have been years into the relationship, and youre finally faced with the insanity and madness of that person youve never seen before and wont know how to handle it. Gotta see sides of a person before you know them completely.
It doesn't work - it drives the other away
When one half of the "friendship"...is constantly unreliable and avoidant ...
The cardiogram wave at 0:20 ends exactly on the line of the video in the box next to it, if from desktop and if you've watched the suggested video, lol.
If you'd like to meet and chat with other people who follow The School of Life online, do download our new app - which is available on ios, Android and desktop: bit.ly/2reyMJU
I think these relationship videos are great! But you should dumb down the language so it's more understandable to the people at large.
just a quick reminder that arguing doesn’t have to be toxic in the first place by choosing your words carefully? it seems weird (to me at least) that you have to put out your negative emotions that way..
i think human beings have to chill a bit lol
I lol’d when the devil horse was wagging it’s tail.