Why Tiny Things About Our Partners Drive Us Mad
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- Опубликовано: 19 авг 2024
- Frequently the flashpoints in our relationships come not around large themes, but strangely and almost humiliatingly small issues, like crumbs near the breadboard. We shouldn’t feel bad; ‘small things’ are generally the carriers of very big ideas. We have to get better at seeing what is really at stake beneath our pettier struggles.
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FURTHER READING
“Lovers who’ve been together awhile tend almost universally to get maddened by what look (on the surface) like certain absurdly small matters. An otherwise quite reasonable and decent person might admit to a range of acute sensitivities around some of their partner’s rather minor habits - and a tendency swiftly to lose their temper on encountering them: they press far too hard on the chopping board; they don’t put their seat belt on until after the car is started; in their handwriting ‘b’ and ‘h’ are practically indistinguishable; they squeeze the toothpaste tube the wrong way (pressing at the neck rather than the bottom); they use the word the word ‘tragic’ to mean ‘sad’; they leave drawers fractionally open; when they drink a glass of water they never drink it right down to the end but always tip out the last few drops into the kitchen sink...”
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Tiny things about our partners drive us mad because we want them to be more like us and we expect them to be in a certain way instead of accepting them for who they are.
Hope G also we apply erroneous meaning to the little things (many times subconsciously)... like “they wouldn’t do ‘fill in the blank’ if they really loved/valued me.
So, due to our cognitive distortions, we often unwittingly complicate by reacting to our assumptions. 😬
Absolutely. And if you're a disagreeable, generally unhappy person with a lot of insecurities like I was, your relationship is doomed to fail.
Took me far too long to learn lessons. If you think you can and want to change even someone that you love, then you shouldn't be with that person, apart from reasonable negotiation (eg. "If I cook could you do the dishes?").
I have been losing my mind over why im getting easily annoyed w my bf
We should all try to be the best version of ourselves and better ourselves all the time. This whole crap about "accept you as you are" is stupid and the reason why relationships fail. When you're truly in love you will find a way, but when you don't want to find a way you're just lazy and using these sentences as an excuse
"We are all idiots at heart". I needed that.
Glitter Bomb isn't intelligence is the virtue of the brain?
Chill
Glitter Bomb It helps to know that nobody knows what thell they are doing bc I sure don't
The main thing that drives me mad about my partner is that she doesn't exist
I see you're in a relationship with our lord and savior Jesus Christ ;)
I feel you.
Hmmmm I conclude the deeper concern showing here may in reality be a worry about being lonely.
Vio who called captain obvious lol
+Vio which is why summoning an army of zombie warriors using the dark magic is the best approach to combat modern-day loneliness and clinical depression.
I'm not sure whether I completely agree with this one. I think it's important to realise that every person we meet has these little things that would aggravate us if we were exposed to them for so long. That's why it's so easy to fantasise about the girl or guy we've just met; we fill our minds with a fantasy of what they might be like, never stopping to think that, the more we got to know them, the more we'd find habits and tendencies that annoy us. There are even things about ourselves that we would hate if we had to spend so much time dealing with them. I don't think that the fact we get so annoyed at tiny things means there are underlying problems with the relationship. Rather, we need to realise that it's normal to find small parts about a person that don't fit with our preferred inclinations. Love is a choice, and by choosing to love oursleves or our partner we are choosing to overlook things that we know aren't preferable. It's not that we're wrong to feel annoyed, but that we need to put these small habits in perspective; we can bear with them in the same way that we bear with oursleves, because if we didn't then we'd miss out on all the incredible parts of our partner. Fights over humiliatingly small issues are inevitable, but equally possible are moments where we say, "This annoys me about you, because you're human and I'm human, but it's okay, I love you. It's just as much my problem as it is yours, and you're worth it."
Just finished watching your video from yesterday and had no idea you subscribe to School of Life - that's awesome! 100% agreed with your comment, well-said man 👊
I think you raise a lot of good points about the scale of the issue. However, I would also add that sometimes being aware of what our partner finds annoying is a really good way to be constructive about being the best version of yourself that you can be. Not that you should accept all the little things as flaws, but to at least evaluate them as well as try and love ourselves in spite of some of them as you were saying.
The point is WHY do we find something so seemingly trivial, annoying. You suggest that, it's just because they don't meet our preferred inclinations, but that doesn't explain the sometimes extreme reactions we have to these little things. I think this video makes an attempt to answer that your question, your comment doesn't really do that.
fair response mate 👍🏽
agreed. finding a underlying meaning for why my gf doesn't like me putting the toilet seat up doesn't exist . she just focus on such orderly shit . and my head is thinking about less mundane things .
I like school of life videos but this one is totally retarded .
it's almost like school of life here doesn't want to afrknt life . they paint a very seductive what if video here .but in most cases if u have a gf who hates and breaks your balls for lots things u do at home she has issues . . . that's the truth .and it can be vice versa in this case I speak of gf because I speak of my life
but if she does the shit she doesn't want me to do it's ok ....wtf...
so she egoist and one sided .
school of life people who doesn't like the ticks that tick them off can be assholes !!!!!
I on the other side was ok with all her idiosyncratic behaviours but oh well
it sucks to be a nice guy
not all girls have been banged hard in the head to get to appreciate nice sensitive loving good men as me !!!
I think another reason why we are maddened by these small things, is because we're the only ones who can see and confront them.
The art style was on point this time.
This is one of the best videos.The School of Life has a flair in articulating things which are felt by everyone but still might seem very pedantic if expressed.Every person in a relationship will have experienced these kinds of irritating habits in their partners.The video is simply relevant to all of those and the animations complement the explanations....
Thank you. This reminds me how irritating it can be to have a partner.
Lol "gone to buy head... cuz you never give it to me anymore."
Thanks for the laugh. I needed that!
👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀
Krishna Bhanji 😂
Normally fits with gone to buy soap cause you don't wash it anymore.
I think this is because of the expectation of our partner to be perfect. That's why every tiny thing about them drives people mad because those flaws go against the expectation for their partners to be perfect. I've always thought that thinking expecting a perfect partner in romantic love is stupid this proves it.
ace king I think it’s much deeper than that... I think theoretically that people realize there is no perfect partner. Many of us don’t want one any way, especially if we are acutely aware of how imperfect we are ourselves!
Small issues are often triggers for issues we have, due to upbringing, experiences, and the cognitive distortions that develop as a result.
We are often very unaware of these and then subconsciously apply meaning to the small things
For example “if she/he loved me he/she wouldn’t do ‘fill in the blank’” and many variances of those.
I recently heard that criticism is an unmet need/wish...unfortunately delivered in a bad package😬
I think people aren’t introspective enough to delve into the why’s of those irritations, that are sometimes translated into slights. It’s not the small thing, but the reaction that is a indicator light that we have work to do.
That’s the beauty of relationships, it allows us opportunities to see our issues (like why we react to whatever small thing) that we would likely be blind to being single...and go along in denial, thinking we’re pretty darn great. In relationships it’s harder to deny and hide the parts that need evolution!
Whether we take the opportunities or instead detract, blame and otherwise refuse to work on ourselves...is a whole different issue!!!
Not asking my partner to be perfect, but to try to be the best version of himself just as I try to be the best version of myself. People use that excuse of "accepting me as I am, don't try to change me" to be lazy in a relationship and get away with just being there for sex and attention, way too often
Finding this channel coincided with entering into a relationship. That coincidence is the best one that has ever happened. Thank you for great lessons!
I find myself often angered by my gf when she shows sign of passiveness and non careness of her own life. It seems to me that whenever she has a problem she would much rather rant about it, than to fix it. Often she will make herself get the worst out-come of a problem, she is self destructive. She often reasons this with her thinking she must always be nice, and that makes me angry. I want her to do whats best for her, but she does not want to.
The comments are better than the video. Such insights make me want to meet as many of you as possible. Thank you for sharing.
Can you do an episode on pets? Bonding/deep attachment, unconditional love, psychological development, family, compassion/sympathy, venerability/understanding, so forth and why some people have a different/higher standard or a dubbed standard for a person than a pet? Thanks
Kinda looked to me like this was about pets ^ ^
Ahh that's a splendid idea :)!
thanks
I think people have higher standards for people because people have capability to make more complicated decisions and choices...
we more easily accept a pet as is & might be more happy around a pet because their expectations are minimal and they don’t judge :)
However to be fully aware...we must realize that pets don’t have much expectations or much judgement, due to their brain limitations. So it’s not comparable. People think their pets love them unconditionally, but in reality they don’t have the higher brain processes to do otherwise.
They do have emotions and personalities, and are incredible... however we can’t compare them to humans.
Humans would be much more the same if they didn’t have the brain evolution to problem solve, communicate on more advanced realms...which unfortunately can create major problem and pain too.
For me it *is* about the chopping board. I'm like "damn, that's oak, be careful"
#oakrights
BooksUnstitched T H A T. I S. M A H O G A N Y.
BooksUnstitched but if you look closer it’s about value...
Like is the person valuing what’s important to you...the cutting board or whatever.
If not, then a new one will be needed & then $$ or effort to get a new one, etc come into play.
Often it’s about an unmet need that we want the person to value what you value, therefore communicating your concerns matter...
Most of this thinking is subconscious and we believe it’s about the item or situation...when honestly it’s about our thoughts and beliefs regarding those :)
"buy head"😂😂😂 no wonder she mad
😭😭😭
Let's not forget that the most common trait in today's relationships is possessiveness. People tend to think they own the other person and that they will manage to "change" the other person to suit their own perfect standards. I believe that girls especially become intrigued by that, wanting to change someone to fit their image of the perfect partner. They tend to feel bored and empty when everything's going fine. Hence the frequent drama.
That's not true. I just want my partner to be the best version of himself, or at least a better version. I try to be the best version of myself. I believe he's just being lazy and has an attitude of take it or leave it. That's what ruins relationships. It can't all be about what he wants to do all the time. Relationships are about two people coming together.
This channel is honestly one of the most helpful, visually pleasing, and thoughtful places on RUclips.
It's painful how timely this is. Ten minutes ago I was trying to explain to someone why the tiniest things he does drive me mad and felt like an insane person saying them aloud. Thank you for this.
And once again I thought the title said Why tiny things about our "parents" drive us mad. I'd like to know this actually.
Claudia P yes!! please do a vid on this
Claudia P it's the same reason that this video brought up I would believe
I read the same thing.
Claudia P me too!
Freud...
School of life has perfect timing for videos. Just got into a new relationship and this video should help a lot.
Alec Jones They could be stalking you.. just saying
I’m curious to know how your relationship from 4 years ago is going. Hopefully well 💕
Weird, I never have issues like this with my partner. I recognize that the little things, while annoying, are LITTLE things, and I don't get too bothered by them.
I truly believe your channel can help save a couple generations
I needed this today. For some reason reason my husband's tendency to get really absorbed in Facebook arguments was severely annoying me. I even talked about it with my therapist, but I can't seem to let it go. I have some ideas, but it will take practice and acceptance and time.
I've experienced this, not with my significant other but with my little brother. My brother used to take my food out of the fridge and eat it; or I'd ask him to get out of my room, and he just wouldn't. I would get so disproportionately angry and sometimes even hit him. It's not that I even care so much about the food or that he was in my room, I just felt disrespected. I was so appalled that he felt entitled to my space and my things. I was afraid that if I let it continue, he'd treat other people, especially with disrespect. I was overthinking it, and letting my fears make me petty.
Nobody is mature enough to be in a relationship
Watching your videos made me open my eyes: we are all children still
Kinda can't relate since I've never had a partner lol but really good video :)
I definitely think finding someone with a similar temperament could help.
Loved the animation!
It's not worth it, just stick to casual sex.
You're cute and your accent is sexy. I'm sure you will find someone.
Oh wow thankyou, that's very kind of you to say!
I hope so :)
Shygirl Vlogs your wait will be worth it..
One of the best advice I've got from School of Life.
I'm not claiming to be very rigorous in addressing my pet peeves, but I wish more people were aware of the alternative to complaining about trivial matters. Or more open to accepting a symbolic interpretation of the actions they take.
I hate that I completely understand and already knew exactly where this video was going.
My ex used to squeeze the toothpaste tube like a freaking barbarian. I never actually got mad about the tube itself - it's that the way she squeezed the tube was a representation of how she lived the rest of her life as well. Careless, with no attention to thought or efficiency. It was always just see - want - do. And the toothpaste tube was a constant representation of that.
Funny. Humans.
I love the animation. Thanks for the message SoL :)
#TheSchoolOfLife How should we deal with forgetful people? And what should we do about forgetting things the people around us care about. Should we blame people for forgetting say an anniversary or look at it as something that can happen. At what point can you take something personal and blame them for forgetting... I find myself forgetting a lot and blaming myself and i'm asking all these questions to myself maybe you guys could answer in a new video
ps. i really hope you read my comment
Evolutionmuchwow this comment may be a year old, but I second this. My bf forgets everything, from what I got him for his birthday to the first few months of our relationship. =( I know it’s silly to be upset, and it isn’t really his fault, but I feel like some guidance on these feelings would be helpful.
Hey!
I used to take things like that a lot more personally, until I started exploring why people remember/forget... and then also the meaning we apply to things being forgotten. Dating someone with totally different brain wiring helped me (Aspergers)...although there has been a lot of pain & misunderstandings, I’ve learned and grown immensely!
I’d highly suggest reading ‘The Four Agreements’...one of the premises is don’t take things personally, it’s rarely about you :) it’s usually due to that person and whatever perspective or limitations they may have.
As to forgetting yourself. Has it always been that way? If it’s new, please seek medical help...otherwise, if it’s a wiring issue & just how your brain processes and stores information, then there are ways you can help yourself. You could maybe get help from a neuropsychologist, to determine if anything else is at play..and/or to get tips to help with memory.
Writing notes to yourself, using your calendar are good tools. When someone tells you something important, write it down and put in a file about them? Or set an alarm for special occasions, to go off before hand.
I wish you luck!!
I feel like I don’t have enough time to watch all of these I love them
These videos make me a better and better person. Thank you, School of Life!
This was by far my fave video by the school of life. Thank you for helping me understand and be more humble
Omg how is this so accurate. Still it's very difficult to view our own life from an outside perspective.
My husband told me he would stop being annoying and I mentioned all the things. Like telling me to not drop water on the floor while I'm doing dishes. I left him because he was angry and kept hurting me emotionally. He apologized and kept crying, telling me he would be good and not do it again. I forgave him and came back. He is acting almost the same again and then apologized for being a jerk last night. I told him he was pushing me away again and the relationship will not last. That the way he is acting is pushing me away again. He is really difficult to be with.
This is so relatable. Thank you, School of Life.
Loving the content you’re putting out. Thanks!
this is your best video in awhile. Great content
"we see in the note .. a lifetime of misunderstandings and loneliness"
Great explanation of the real issue behind certain behaviors.
So enlightening. Thank you for bringing me more self-awareness!
Brilliant video. Great job display the truth of relationship.
Yet another maddingly articulate and thoughtful video.
Absolutely admire all the animations and illustrations of all "The School of Life" videos. Without it, the videos are not worth to watching.
Thank you for the insight, School of Life!
Really? "People don't realise that an irritation is an indication of a wider problem"? Really!? That's the very common line in an argument that always takes it from a small row to a huge one, where the recipient then shouts back "Don't be so melodramatic!"
This clip doesn't tell us anything that the majority of people didn't already know.
right video at the right time
OMG! This is so true!! Love this one! 💕
Solid advice
My favorite line, "of course we're idiots at heart" lol
Your best video yet!
The main thing that drives me mad about my partner is that sometimes he doesn't care or shall i say consider my feelings at all. like if i want something for myself he really think that i dont need that but honestly it's useful for me.
I'm glad I got the "Confession Game" from your London shop. I hope it will help you help us with amazing videos and useful thoughts :)
I wonder how do you know these things 😊
Life experience, a lot of studies. Perspective of life. Can't say I'm old yet those things a unknown to me, probably most people can relate. Yet School of life present it in such nice way.
He knows because he must feel the same, since we are all the same (99,9% of the time), but we feel and keep it for us and suffer with this...he understands the feeling and studies about it
its about reflecting, a lot of what he says is very predictable. this episode was good, however i could have guessed what it would entail (this doesnt apply to every episode) its about reflecting, and actually spending time with your feelings, a lot of us hide away from our feelings behing screens, phones, books, etc. so if you start spending 10 minutes a just sitting in a chair thinking and feeling, a lot of maybe unpleasant but also nice thoughts might appear, feelings og loneliness etc. it can be a very good thing to do, you will most likely (if you decide to step outside yourself and think critically and analytically about your feelings) realize the same things as he is telling you
I love the art style in this
School of life, love the videos! Lets see one about getting angry/frustrated over things you have no control over.
It's because most of us in the "west" haven't been taught how to train our minds to simply accept things as they are. When you begin to do that, the little things soon lose their annoyance. Even the big things become far easier to accept and deal with. It's basically a change of mindset away from: "Why does my reality have to be this way? Oh, woe is me - moan, moan, moan," to "This is what my reality is at this moment. Okay, now what can I do to change it, if it's something I can't accept." When we train our minds via meditation, over time, the moaning subsides, and peace and calm takes its place. Cheers.
This is perfect. Thank you
I needed to see this video so much!
This video was great!
Thank you for giving examples.
Summary: little annoyances like someone who doesn't write legibly is just a symbol for us feeling that they will be careless forever. The solution is to address the root issue (carelessness) instead of the tiny annoyance.
BEAUTIFUL
Can you guys do one on a partner changing physically? Such as a person being in there prime at the start of a relationship then slowly starting to stop caring
This is so annoying
so we fear the tiny ways they do things will be how they will treat us
I must be a strange kind of person, because I do not get mad at all at small things. Just large things, and thankfully there are not that many of those.
Or... these little things drive us mad because we aren't doing enough to take care of ourselves. So, really, if you find yourself feeling mad at the little things to this degree, you should do a shelf check to make sure you are honoring your own personal needs. Often, it can be as simple as you aren't sleeping or eating well. I don't think it is anywhere near as complicated as this video wants to make it out to be!
I find myself getting more annoyed at my husband when his work is slow. He will have more time off so we spend more time together and I guess little things just get to me. I think it's important to have a healthy amount of space.
thumbs up if you are single
can't have relationship problems if you don't have relationships amiright
Ko St why do you have to remind me! ;-;
Don't get to beaten up about it. learn to be happy with yourself first.. then these things will follow :)
Protip: Travel solo anywhere in the world and set yourself free! Here you will understand how to not be too hung up on this issue!
Wow, that was amazingly helpful
excellent, excellent!!
finally i know i'm not alone in this
Lol, i am exactly this. My partner will think it's his quirks and why can't I accept them. I will explain to him why and I will relate them to a deeper reason. I can't help but psychoanalyze everything. I am always the one reading too much on things. Yay, guys this is a normal thing to me. And I really feel them strongly. Good thing, I believe in them. Thanks for the acknowledgement guys!
im in love with the narrator
I can really relate to this video I do get easily annoyed with what seems trivial things sometimes like being the only one that puts the washing on, changes the bedding, puts stuff away etc the meaning behind this i wonder is not feeling cared about enough to want to help out?
What about the drawers? There was no interpretation of that ISSSSSUE :D
Deepest sympathies for the attack in Manchester.
What a beautiful animations!
And so i am angry with my mom, not because she seems carefree, but rather that it makes me think she was as carefree when raising me...
Thank you for making these videos!
But... what about the interpretation of the toothpaste tube being squeezed at the neck? I was looking forward to hearing this one in particular :/
frosteeria there’s never one general interpretation of something like that...it’s individual.
Some people are never irritated by how someone squeezes the toothpaste..so it’s not the issue, but what drives the irritation within the individual...that’s what needs to be explored. An irritation is often an indicator light of an unmet need, a false expectation of whatever...these are often subconscious and vary from individual to individual. So you find out your own interpretation, by being introspective and exploring the deeper issues that drive the irritation!
Sometimes it’s things we were told in childhood, sometimes it’s influences from society, media and prior relationships...all influencing our complex paradigms.
The problem is rarely as it appears, but much more deep and nuanced.
spending our imaginative effort to create meaning out of other people's actions ❤️
I like this animation. They did a great job here :)
perfect!!! thank you for this video..
possibly a topic on something like "How our parents define us without knowing" or even "What makes a 'successful' parent?"
would love something like this! I'm sure it'd be helpful for a load of people in the future
please like this comment if you agree - it'd help the idea be heard by the channel but you are, of course, not obliged. I'd really love to see a video relating to psychedelic drugs, because they're rising in popularity and I think this channel would be incredibly apt to talk about them. I think it's important to address how they link in with thought, philosophy and 'higher consciousness' (which this channel's previously made a video on), as well as their potential dangers, and how we as humans can use psychedelics to further our understanding - or perhaps more importantly - how we can attain their benefits without even having to use them, whether that be through thought, art, meditation, or any other form. Brilliant video, thank you for listening.
Always genius Alain.
I have this problem in all my past relationships and my new one and is not good I want to change this I’m hurting my BF and making the relationship going bad 😢 I feel is so hard to control my feelings and always want to brake up the relationship for little things!!!
I get annoyed by the way this guy says issue
I enjoy it.
I suspect that technically it's more correct. After all, the word is not "ishue".
i feel the same way. Most teachers at my college do this too, freaking hate it.
actually both ways are correct, see here: www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/issue_1?q=issue
Leave him then. It's the only way.
If I can be better at something or more olderly, I will do my best. It is one of my core values. If someone isn't ready to make small changes - not for me, but for their own growth - then it means we have very different values. I think if you are not able to control where your socks land, then you're simply childish.
Glad to know I'm not the only one making mountains out of what look like molehills.
we should however not only belittle the small differences we dislike but also appreciate all the more those small things we like. Tell your so about those
People can be uptight OCD twats. Stand your ground. Create boundaries and stick to them. Compromise is important, but being who you are is imperative!
No, i just have ocd and i can't stand those things.
This benefited my soul. Please Never stop making Videos
Brilliant!
maybe its just passive-aggression
That Soothing Voice though... 😄
I've read "Parents" and why you're speaking about lovers.
Leaving drawers/cabinets open is one for me, probably something instilled in childhood 🤔 Likewise when my husband sets a coffee spoon down on the counter or cutting board. There was a need to have things clean/organized causing anxiety if things weren't b/c my mom would become passive aggressive/angry.