Stop Bickering. It's Killing Your Relationship - Esther Perel
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- Опубликовано: 20 мар 2017
- “We bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing anything right. What should I do?” - Anthony (Boston, MA)
Ongoing criticism and bickering can feel like low intensity, chronic warfare and lead to the demise of a relationship.
Listen to my arguments for kicking the bickering, stat. And if you're on the receiving end, a few ideas to help communicate your frustration and the ways constant take downs make you feel.
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For more relational resources from Esther Perel, visit estherperel.com
"Behind a criticism is often a wish."
When I say, "You never do this", I am saying "I wish you do this".
So true
The emotional intelligence of this woman is unbelievable.
As long as the other person has the same values and is willing to try but if you're flogging a dead horse well you could you can be amazing with your psychology but if the person you're with isn't willing to even go there and you're either going to have to leave and risk your financial security with that person or you know all love with it or we can't fix another person they got to be willing to fix themselves to she's Esther is amazing make good choices as they say
@@akhileshmagal well said there's a lot of good armchair psychologist boat some ask their partner is he cheated does it go to brothels what is on business trips see what the truth is she took some good stuff though
@@akhileshmagal o
Emotional intelligence or EQ isn't actually a real thing, it's just a social concept to make people that are higher in neuroticism seem more useful to make everyone seem equal but what she is showing is IQ and intrapersonal intelligence goes into calculating IQ.
Oh yeah!!
We got super woman here
"Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be married?" ... Wow. Thank you Esther, every minute invested on listening to you is worth it. Kisses from Mexico
why does that sound like something dr. phil says? lol.
Sometimes a woman had to bicker.. cause a man will look right at her and say yes I will!!! Then turn around and purpose to something else!!! That creates yelling and a fight!
I once asked a man who has been married for 40 years what his secret was? His answer: "Yes ma'am."
I wanna be right 😂😂😂
@@estherperel wow I've just heard about you/just started watching some of your videos . So well explained, in simple terms . You engage the listener so well. I look forward to watching more great videos
Better to be wise than right.......this is gold!
No, my wife will pick being right every time. And she'll keep pushing it until she gets the last word. Every time.
But you cant let the other person believe theyre right when theyre actually wrong
@@tperk Sounds like she can go be right by herself.
Life is too dang short to put up with it. I'm going in this direction myself.
One of the most powerful pieces of advice I heard years ago and it changed my life was from Dr Phil, consider this, ask yourself 'was I a nice person to live with today?'
The only behaviour you can change is your own!
Thank you for this comment, I really needed this to better myself in my relationship.
I agree. I see no hope in even influincing my husband. Try all linguistic and psychotherapy tricks I want.. I am forever a NAG, got there at my own fault and emotionally unstable by definition of being a woman.
Dr Phil is divorced. So much for that advice
@@DT-abcd !no..😁😁😁
But what happens if your partner is an ass?
You know what I want? I want my needs to be acknowledged and met without having to repeat them every other day. I may ask for something politely over and over and never actually get it and still be the "bad" one in the relationship because I just don't shut up. It is exhausting to constantly ask for the same thing and never be heard. If I can remember what my partner appreciates and likes, then so should he. I also don't have to be constantly reminded of something.
I think you comment is uncovering the completely new level which Esther fails to address. We did what she said. And yet he still works, browses iPhone while we tidy up dishes, and that always, aleays repeats itself. You can rephrase as much as you like, some men won't even pick on the linguistic difference. It will always remain for them just "the NAG".
When I read your comment it was like I wrote it myself. This is my relationship exactly! I’m always nagging Him! He gets angry when I tell him what I do want. “He says I know you keep saying the same thing over & over”. I’m trying very hard. But he’s not hearing me!! Ester, what can I do?
@@tambij Easy, dump him. I did and it's been the best decision ever. There is a difference between the little annoying things and someone flat-out disrespecting you and not giving a shit.
@@tambijbe angry and communicate well. Express ur feeling and say that his treatment makes u sad and depressed and do not get respect u need.
Say it.
i failed to do so and now i am trying to be better
I’m in the same boat.
Esther - I feel like you are going to change my relationship simply by watching your 7min-youtube clips.. how is this possible? You are AMAZING
Because it's all horseshit and not real advice.
*_"Do you wanna be right -- or do you want to be married?"_*
Ooh, that's a good one. 👍
Most would choose to be right. Just ask any person in a marriage for 30 years.
Sounds like a lose-lose proposition either way.
'Needs and Expectations' will always kill a relationship. I can have needs & exceptions of myself but the moment I project this on someone else, then we are in the quicksand of the ego.
"Needs and Expectations " sounds like a book Jane Austen would have written if she were still alive. The sequel of Pride and Prejudice 🤣
😂yeah sounds fun
I'm a really critical partner and this is like an inner poison that is hard to remove. To create a "wise" pattern when in situation seems super difficult, especially in times when I feel that I'm right. I hope one day I will learn how to do this and not loose another great partner because of this..
Have you seen marshal Rosenberg’s workshop on non violence communication? It’s really good!
'Bickering is low intensity conflict warfare' bang on! It's also contraction rather than expansion. 'It may be better to be wise than right' , wow I love the wisdom flowing through, it's so incredibly helpful for all of us.
My husband wants to be right.
I think you'd be surprised if you actually know how amazing your work and intelligence is. You are helping lots of people ( including me) from other backgrounds.
I needed Matthew Hussey to find a partner but I need Esther Perel to keep him. Thank you so much!
Janika same same
Me too !!
Indeed you said right Janika!
Well said!
Matthew Hussey is a fraud. He cannot help you get one. It's bull and games. He has not been in a long relationship to give realistic advice
I'm always assuming that my man is trying to be hurtful when in most cases he is not...
I am always assuming the same about my wife and the words she uses. There are just too many circumstances over too many years when it seems she is hurtful for me to be convinced otherwise.
Same. I realized from listening to this that both him and I probably think that the other is trying to be hurtful and that’s not true.
Being single is so much easier.
also, much lonelier. Some humans are social creatures...
Bieng socially single is alot harder when you are naturally- a one woman man, or- one man woman. This "social" crap is why I got married- it gets old! (As does the drama that goes with it!)
That’s true. But people still opened this video, because they wanted to make their relationship work, that means they had a strong desire to have a good relationship, and the pursuit of that desire means this is also something really nice, something that being single can’t have. This is overthinking ... yeah being single is so much easier
Have fun dying 10 years earlier and getting eaten by your cats.
@@lauraeeeee people get sick from toxic relationships, betrayals and divorces.
There is this medical condition called "heartbreak syndrome" or "takotsubo cardiomyopathy" where high levels of stress and grief impact the heart in such a way, that without any organic health problems, people suffer some sort of heart attack.
Divorced women have 20-30% higher rate of cardiac disease and heart attacks than any other group of women, which is why it's said that the single ladies (that were never married) are usually healthier.
Depression and burn-out syndrome are also pretty common among married women, especially those that work in and outside the house.
The single ladies post bad break-ups, that witnessed infidelity from partner and post divorce are more prone to health issues.
Which Is why I have no rush to get married any time soon lol. I would hate to invest in a man all my life where there are 80% chances of becoming single later in life (post 40-50 where most divorces happen).
Married/unmarried is pretty much the same these days. People are just as alone and worse... End up alone later in old age, because we simply lack commitment as a society and always search the next best thing. Might as well avoid It all together.
Criticism produces the opposite effect of what you want- Yep!
yup, my bickering killed my relationship for sure.
I have taken this from the video
"It is better to be wise than to be right".
Basically, stop complaining and start asking politely.
Technique known as Reframing, which can then be followed by assertive communication.
Even if I ask politely he thinks am setting him up ugh
@@mily87ful if you do it constantly, he has no reason to believe it anymore....
When you ask politely,they ignore you
@@Royal29B Then kill ur need. Imagine ur all alone even when they're around. Be a friend & don't expect a thing in return. But, & it's a big but... Don't invest much in them unless they invest in u. 😘
broke up with my girlfriend because she has been criticizing me since the beginning of our relationship . and now i am watching this video and thinking if she ever watched this kind of video things would have been different (better ) . she was lovely , cares for me but i couldn't take the " continuous criticism ".
You are better off. Toxicity over years has a profound negative effect on your life.
Maybe you weren’t hearing her and her needs. I’m dealing with a guy like this now - he thinks he’s never wrong but he reacts so intensely that he doesn’t know how to treat a female!
@@Liz-in8lu she's my wife now . We got married 3 years ago . Lol
@@niranjanborah that’s great!! I’m glad it worked out
The world would be such a better place if only people paused for a moment before opening their mouth to think "what do I really want to achieve with this?"
“Do you want to be wise, or do you want to be right? “ Awesome & priceless!
I been in a relationship for 6 months and it’s beginning to be we fight almost every day because she overthinks
"Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be married?" Best thing ever! Subscribed.
I love her intelligence, emotional awareness, her hair, the way she looks, speaks, even how she sits on that chair 😍🤤
This hits deep. I couldn't stop biting my nails because part of me was a bit embarrassed and guilty at some parts This definitely opened my eyes up more! Love her talks. ♡
Obessed with her. I feel like I can listen to her all day. She's so smart. The advice she gives so often rings true.
She clearly figured out the difference between gently giving advice and sounding like a jerk. Good for you.
Me too 😂
This is so true. It killed my marriage. My wife was constantly criticizing and quarrelling. She loved to fight, and I hated it. It's like an addiction to criticism and bitterness. After 2 years I could take no more and booked a flight to leave for good.
I remember asking my now ex husband to do the dishes before he went to work since he generally started work later. I’d come home after he left, dishes still not done which means dinner took longer to make. I’d ask again, still didn’t do them and no matter how much I asked him and how nice I was and thanked him the seldom times he did do it, it was still rare when he did it. Thinking about it now just fills me with so much rage.
Lol it got real when she started talking about the dishes 😂
Listening to this has lifted a huge load from by mind. My last partner justified her bickering by saying it was her love-language, and I wanted to respect that but it always left me feeling horrible, worried, sad and resentful. I did feel she tried some times to say things with humour, but I also felt it was always with second meanings, with hidden intentions, because when I learned more about her emotional dynamics, I discovered a lot of unresolved issues that she wasn't communicating in an efficient and clear fashion. And so, she used cynicism, sarcasm and absolute declarations to communicate with me.
We learned a little, at least I hope so. From now on I'll definitely point out bickering as a wrongdoing, never as a healthy love-language.
Or maybe you perpetually ignored her needs and refused to listen so she resorted to bickering in desperation
@@lovelyfleur86 Maybe...
@@lovelyfleur86 Orrrr maybe she was just a cunt? Nagging/bitching/bickering are never a good option, and they'll rarely get you what you want, unless what you want is to hurt the other person's feelings
Perhaps reading the 5 love languages would help. I have never heard of bickering as a love language. Bickering seems to point to the inability to communicate effectively. I would know since that’s an area that I’m working on. I have justified in my mind that I can start a fight because my husband didn’t meet my needs but that’s an immature way of going about it and most certainly did not yield the desired result. This is where I learn that I need to make ‘loving requests’ and not ‘selfish demands’.
@@lovelyfleur86 I noticed in my last relationship, when my attempts at communicating I needed more time and attention failed, I started picking fights to get that attention. Then he said we fought too much but couldn't accept that me pointing out that he only really emotionally engaged in drama and I had tried very hard to find other ways to connect.
Love this video. Bickering is the #1 killer to relationships!
I had to stop, and leave a comment because that had happened in my relationship, luckily I like to be the one who listen and learn, then I found you Esther and watched your ted talk video and I immeadelly thought "Wow this woman knows what she is taking about". thank you so much Esther, Hugs from Venezuela
This video was a revelation for me. I played it first while walking outside. "low intensity chronic warfare" - that made me stop and gasp. I played it again, automatically, and sent it to my friends.
Not only are you correct, this has made me pause and identify bad patterns and then CHANGE it. All because of this video. It ignited a mega change
Best relationship therapist on RUclips
“I’d love if we do this”
“i wish that you’ll do …”
“It would mean a lot when you do …”
“I feel this way when you don’t …”
I'll tell her shut up and stop nagging me
REALLY well said. From one therapist to another: you really know what you're doing. Your clients are fortunate
I had to watch this at least 5 times with a notebook .. I feel like a load has been lifted. She is the guru of relationships of all kind . this made me think about my aging mother n I.
Right message at the perfect time. Thank you❤️
It never fails, I love these videos and the advice that comes with them.
Communication Master! I have learned a lot from you, Madame Perel. Thank you.
👏 I'm so happy to hear from your wisdom Ester. I'm grateful to have found your channel! 🙌💕😘
Esther I just love your videos. They are so helpful to me and my relationship. Thank you very much.
Love your podcasts! Glad RUclips showed your video on my feed.
Your videos are a blessing...your words are so powerful and meaningful :)
This was Soooo on point and enlightening!! Thank you so much for sharing your gift with us, it is greatly appreciated and needed!!!🙏🏾🙏🏾💙💙
Brief and to the point...Simply awesome.
I just started playing this video, and 45 seconds after I subscribed! You are amazing.
Wow Ester, you just gave me such a refreshing human insight. Thank you
Oh my, thanks. I needed to hear this from someone other than my fiancée.
Utterly amazing video. Thank you.
I just watched this video and I love it instantly! You really get to the point very clearly within short time. Thank you
Love listening to you! Hopefully I can include this practice in my life ❤️
Damn, you lady are amazing, I begin to feel so much more confident and relaxed by the way you talk and the way you explain things.
Thank you for these videos, they do help soften my relationship anxiety A LOT!
It better to be wise than right..love this..thank you so much..
Beautifully explained. So much wisdom in the last 15 seconds. Subscribed
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" 😅💯
Thank you, Esther, for this! Need it now more than ever.
Thank you it’s a great reminder. My mom always taught me this too that in life you need to know how to ask for things and patience lol.
Thank you so much. Finding your channel i now feel like I can change for the better in my relationship. Im doing so much things wrong. Im glad i still have time and a grear guy to fix things.
So very simple and profound and powerful. Thanks Esther!
The story of my marriage. And the biggest reason I'm divorced.
I was another Anthony.
"It may be better to be wise than right."
Wow!!
You are amazing Esther! Your advice is so real and helpful. Thanks!
You are so spot on, Ms. Perel.
Thank you for your transparency.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, this is going to help me to improve my relationship.
Your voice is healing me when you say those examples in the correct way ♥️
LOVE YOU, Esther! Your insights are straight to the point and very helpful. Always food for thought and consideration. Thank You 🙏🏻🙏🏻
This woman it's just incredible !!! Cheers!
Wow! I think that I have to see this video twice, because there are lot of gold information in just 5 minutes. From Brazil!
Over and over and over...
All your observations and advice are spot on, Esther!!!! Every video of yours that I watch makes me want to hear more. You are so correct about asking for what you want, but those of us with self-love deficit disorder have to first grow out of the paradoxical belief that we're unworthy while our hearts tell us that we deserve to be loved, respected, validated, etc. It's from that contradiction that passive aggression emerges. We accuse and criticize in an inauthentic act of asserting control over what we fear losing: love.
So well explained.... Thank you for sharing this valuable information.
I love this cause I always argue and this is a way better way to go about it then to say you never or you always
I didn't realize how toxic bickering was
Idk if your religious but there's a verse in the bible I stumbled upon before I was married that frames bickering for me. It's in proverbs and I'm sorry I don't remember the exact verse or where to find it but it basically says It is better to sleep on the roof than with a quarrelsome wife 🤣🤣
Tarleda Manley basically “never go to bed angry”! Sound advice
Johnathan Grey lol dude do you need a hug or something
@@entertain7us148 Yeah but I took that on a whole other level though like in the dead of winter sleeping in the elements is better than listening to someone nag 🤣🤣 In biblical times the elements were a real threat to your life and to me that verse implies if you have a wife that nags then take your chances with inclement weather it's better than hearing all that nagging🤣🤣
I found the verse btw its proverbs 21:9
Dear Esther, thank you very much for your videos! I came across you and your work when watching a TED talk and have become a huge fan ever since. Keep on doing what you and doing it the way you do please - you will help a lot of people either to lead better relationships or get out of dysfunctional ones. Merci!
You have a great way of stating it how it should be.
I just love Esther, she is so inspiring! Makes things so easy!
Wise vs Right. Magisterial!!
Oh, this was PURE GOLD!!! And you can apply it to any relationship, not just a romantic one. Thank you so much, Esther!!
Love this! It not easy to implement when one is angry , but it sure is better to be wise than be right!!!
Thank you for the sharing! It really helps me think !
My mouth was agape the whole time at amazement 😍
"Low intensity chronic warfare"
I am going to apply this insight to my roommate situation.
Thank you for this. I love your way of thinking and views about the psychology of relationships.❤
Thank you for these reminders!
She's brilliant. So much admiration for what Esther Perel brings to relationships. MERCI !
Very accurate interpretation of how many people think/act in relationships! Also, I’ve heard a similar statement to what you have said, specifically, ‘ you can either be right, or happy, but not both’
Wonderful. It’s so simple.
I need to listen to this daily!
This woman knows her stuff!
THANK YOU for posting Esther’s teachings.
I see my life flash before my eyes after watching this video. This is the best thing I've seen to help save my marriage. Your description and advice is AMAZING. Subscribed!
That was a really really powerful clip. Thank you
Esther thank you you are sooooo wise this advice is totally real ...the gritty truth...thank you
'Better to be wise than right" 🔥
Esther, I watched three of your videos last night and again this morning. Can’t stop thinking about your message on infidelity, affairs, and relationships. So profound and thought provoking. I’ve been divorced now for almost five years. I have spent these last five years healing, finding myself after suffering from betrayal by my x husband and redefining my outlook on relationships. Thank you for posting your talks, interviews, and videos on RUclips. So helpful. You’re helping me to take a very candid look at myself, my misconceptions of why people cheat, and how I can walk in truth regarding my personal relationship with someone going forward. So thank you so much for sharing your insight and wisdom. Thank you for being yet another step towards my growth as a person. Facing my fears, challenges and the unknown are all opportunities to grow. Thanks!
Thank YOU !, It's like food for my relationship health. 😃👏 Such direct & to the point.
Short, sweet and excellent wisdom thank you ❤
Esther, your wisdom helps me navigate petty conflicts with my girlfriend all the time. Thank you.
As a budding shrink starting my second year in an undergraduate psychology degree I am so happy I discovered you one week ago. Esther, your knowledge, and insight are an inspiration, I am currently reading "Mating in Captivity" and cannot put it down. Thank you for sharing your knowledge on RUclips ! xx
Absolutely needed this!
Please put your videos more often, you are changing my life. Thanks for this one.