Esther Perel Explains Why Your Partner Criticizes You
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 10 июн 2021
- Behind every criticism is a wish. If I say “I wish,” I have to put myself out there. It means I want something and I can be refused. I can be rejected. I can be not heard. And in a relationship that is not secure, I will defend against that. I don’t want to show you that side of me. So instead of saying what I want, I’ll say what you didn’t do. That’s the criticism. What you didn’t do and what’s wrong with you is safer, in some bizarre way, than to tell you what is special about me and what I would’ve wanted.
----
ABOUT ESTHER PEREL
Between her best-selling books, her TED talks (which have been viewed nearly 30 million times,) and her award-winning podcasts, Esther’s simple, yet insightful advice is positively impacting millions of people all over the globe from the bedroom to the boardroom. (Her new podcast series How’s Work? shifts her expertise from couples, to the stressors, conflicts and ever-changing dynamics of the workplace.)
----
ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGE PROJECT
Like the mentor you’ve always dreamed of having, The Knowledge Project shares timely yet timeless lessons for work and life. Past guests include Naval Ravikant, Daniel Kahneman, Jim Collins, Angela Duckworth, Seth Godin, Melanie Mitchell, & Esther Perel.
SUBSCRIBE for full episodes and clips highlighting actionable lessons and profound wisdom from guests ranging from Nobel Prize winners to CEOs of the largest companies in the world and everything in between.
Get early access and episode transcripts: fs.blog/membership/
Subscribe to the podcast: Apple Podcasts: apple.co/3fz6u4X | Spotify: spoti.fi/2SSgCvT | Google Podcasts: bit.ly/2Wjw7iy
----
FOLLOW
Instagram: /
Twitter: / farnamstreet
Shane Parrish: / shaneaparrish
Newsletter: fs.blog/newsletter/
Facebook: / farnamstreet
Some people really lack self worth because of how they are raised as a child….
So true........ I'm one of 'em
Wow the ending. A protection against being hurt is to criticise the other person. Wow wow wow
This hit me like a ton of bricks and I never knew why I was being critical. Makes me want to cry to be honest but now I know how to communicate what I'm really feeling and make a change
How my ex made me feel for two maybe three years. I had a women compliment me the other day and I almost cried. I realized I had gotten so accustomed to being criticized that I just agreed and bought into all of it and someone saying something nice felt foreign to me.
@@Unxpekted I feel that!
@@AmillieX-te1mh I still love her. I recognize we are all doing our best with our level of consciousness at that time. I hold no grudges. Maybe she’ll realize one day… She really couldn’t ever see her faults as she was so hyper focused on minute things. Even during couples therapy our therapist called her out and she still couldn’t accept that she’s done anything wrong as he’s sitting there telling her that all she does is bash me in the sessions. I wasn’t perfect but I certainly I didn’t deserve it. I need to heal for sure…
Well done 🎉
@rx7sign this hit me hard bro. I broke up with my girl last night. I simply couldn't take the bursts of anger. Very small petty trivial matters that are blown way out of proportion and kept at an intense level are so draining. I was literally reduced to tears before she suddenly felt bad and hugged me. But the damage is done, it's happened on countless occasions and I couldn't take it anymore.
She says "this is me. I can never change."
I used to be impulsive, angry, jealous etc myself. But I became a better man by practicing and trying self improvement techniques. As difficult as they were, I've come a long way. I don't feel she's even willing to try properly. Maybe she really is hardwired like that who knows. But for my own sanity I had to break up and now I'm sad but willing to go gym and work today because negativity from a partner should never be something we stand for. Especially when you done nothing wrong. Or even if you did do something wrong, there are ways to go about expressing yourself. After 6months we were a week away from our 1st holiday together, but I am willing to miss out on it. I even quit my job for this and now who knows what's next for me. But I know one thing, I'm sad but at peace. I feel free.
To anyone reading this, I wish you make the right choices because you only lice once. Spend it with people who make you happy, not sad. Bless you all. 🙏
I'm a grown man constantly treated like a child. I can't breath until on my own. Constantly bossed around. I have to hear everyone else's day but no one wants to hear about mine.
I love you
I love you too Simon ❤️
That’s my life too. So how was your day today?
My whole life will be better if I can learn to share what is special about me and what I want/need instead of what I wish you had done. I thank you
I validate my partner all the time, and if he forgets things, I still tell him that it's okay, and he STILL blames me for things... so what is his wish that I'm not supporting?? I don't know that I agree with this explanation. I do believe that not every coat can be made from every cloth.... meaning this analogy doesn't fil every man/women!
Sounds like narcissism. They are focused on their needs not being met and cannot see your needs because it doesn’t resonate with them.
It sounds like he has a problem with being flawed and tries to project onto you, maybe even because you are so loving and he might not be used to getting that kind of consistent love.
But at some point it just becomes abuse.
Remember a relationship holds values because it benefits both. So speaking up for oneself even via criticism is a necessary (especially with avoidant attachment as they really do no do well with confrontation) and benefits both partners especially is equality is a value.
Insightful. Passive aggressive conflict avoidance. I saw it with my mother and father and to some extent do this myself
I think Esther is not considering how selfish the person criticizing may be. Yes a protective device to avoid looking at your own flaws of a lack of empathy.
This is not true in every case! I put myself last and since my spouse ignores me and never responds when I ask questions are try to engage I can be critical as described here. I don't like that I am but being ignored triggers invalidation I had as a child neglected and abused!
I don't necessarily think so. I know in my relationship I did not start out criticizing, it started after several failed attempts at specifically asking outright for what I wanted/needed. And repeatedly being ignored or dismissed.
Maybe it's "selfish" in the way a 2 year old is "selfish".
When a person is critical, it often isn't aimed to hurt the other. Often they aren't that aware they are doing it...and/or they are paired with a partner with high rejection sensitivity, who can perceive criticism with even neutral requests, which happens a bit.
A 2 year old isn't trying to do anything but get their needs met. They do not have the words, self awareness, tools, to consider their affect on another person. This is kind of what happens in those criticizing. It's usually subconscious, poor communication skills (often due to poor childhood modeling and other conditioned behaviors), combined with limbic system activation. When the limbic system is in charge, it is not primed to communicate well, or consider others. It's more survival oriented, getting needs met, in almost desperation. This is often based on unresolved childhood wounds.
Does this mean you can't boundaries about it? Nope.
However, you shouldn't expect a level do communication that you yourself don't possess.
If you can't state your needs and boundaries, clearly, calmly, well defined, empowered and respectful, than you can't expect it of others.
There are many other forms of destructive communication, aside from criticism, that lack vulnerability, authenticity, that could be also seen as "selfish". Anytime we are dishonoring ourselves or others, by not being radically honest, yet kind, and clear...we aren't engaging in "clean" and empathetic (which is opposite of selfish) behavior.
@@Alphacentauri819Thats a whole lot of text that only validates the criticizer and ignores the mental damage they are doing to the person they constantly tell is not good enough
@@airthrowDBT well, if you come from a limiting beliefs, dualistic mind…that might be how you interpret what I wrote.
I’ve worked with thousands of patients (critical care) and now am working towards a degree in neuroscience. I am not “validating” the criticizer…but explaining a deeper complexity. It is only the simple minded, who prefer easy answers, that label through cognitive distortions in order to “demonize” the other. This is to feel “safer” in an illusory sense, because they cannot handle the complexity of the equation.
There can be many things that have and “and” also…vs either or.
The criticizer is often a very hurt person who in turn hurts others. Pain that is not transformed is transmitted (as the saying goes). Elaborating on this deeper truth, is not a “validation” of the “criticizer” nor is it an invalidation of the one who feels criticized.
You’re looking at it far too simplistically and tunnel vision.
When you can zoom out, consider there are many, many variables that you simply don’t know…only than can you truly inquire and learn.
Also, if you have a core wound of “not good enough” already, which is absolutely certain if this type of person’s behavior is taken personally…than you will view the world and other’s behavior with that slant, lens.
That means you are susceptible to other’s attacks any moment, and not empowered. While the original wound is not your fault, the reinforcing of it and it causing so much continued suffering, is your responsibility. I can say this, as someone who has worked years to heal that very wound.
Imagine if someone says you’re a 20 headed purple beetle. Is that going to sting, bother you very much? Not likely. Why? Because you have no former program, narrative, inside you, that is worried about being a 20 headed purple beetle. If someone said that, you’d realize it was more about that person, their silliness, or their own internal reality being very distorted.
When we know who we are, and have our core wounds healed….we see others “stuff” as theirs & we don’t let it mean anything about us.
That is being empowered.
This is exactly how I interpret this behavior too. So many want to scream narcissist and abuser, and yes, the oppressor is using their narcissist traits, traits we all have...but deeper than pointing a finger at them is asking the question WHY they are behaving like that. This woman GETS IT. They are hurting and need reassurance and don't know how to express what they're feeling. I love that she's pinpointed it to feelings of not being worthy, not being loveable and not feeling good enough to be loved by you. I can better address my partner now. When he starts criticizing, I'm going to gently but firmly start saying "you are worthy, you are loveable, you are good enough, I love you" and see what happens over time. If I remember this post, I'll come back to give an update.
That's the worse thing to tell a narcissist..telling them how special they are ...and waiting for them to reciprocate. Lol..narcissists dont have empathy...they dont love..except themselves
I'd love to know if you did in fact tell him those things and how it went. In reply to the comment about it being the last thing to tell a narcissist, I didn't get the impression her husband is a narcissist. And not all who are critical are narcissists. I apologize if I'm speaking out of line or being offensive. That's definitely NOT my intention. And I'm no Dr, nor do I know it all.... But I've lived it. Researched it. And always learning something new. I'd love to know all I could about the human psyche and how the mind works. My husband is EXTREMELY intelligent and it can be intimidating at times. His mind NEVER stops racing. He has been blind since birth, but never allowed his disability to keep him from doing about anything. He's a beautifully talented musician/drummer. Been on tour with several well known bands all over the world. He has a woodworking shop where he builds amazing pieces of art and furniture. And still has all his fingers! Something he jokes about quite often. He loves making people laugh and is SO quick witted! But beneath all that talent, all the accomplishments and all the laughs.... He is his own worst enemy and constantly fighting a battle in his mind and it breaks my heart. He's such an amazing person and I'd give anything if he could see himself the way I do. I'm always open to suggestions and would love to hear others experience with something similar involving a spouse ...
I’ve reached your conclusion before and it really shows that you’re a good person. I hope through this experiment you’re able to determine if they partner is a good person for you.
@pollynunnally5863 most narcissists are victims of trauma. The reason they utilize more of the narcissistic traits (traits we all have within us) was their way of defending themselves and dealing with their trauma. Not sure if ur familiar with the 16 personality types, Myers Briggs? Many types are not in touch with their feelings. When they feel emotions, they have a hard time pinpointing what they're feeling, it leaves them in a scary, confused place. Think back to a time when you were emotional but didn't exactly know what u were feeling. It's absolutely scary and confusing! There's billions of ppl walking around everyday who don't know exactly what they're feeling, they're scared and confused 24/7. Furthermore, how to process and organize their feelings is beyond their internal knowledge. From an early age they learn to put up big walls around their emotions, it's much easier than feeling scared and confused. They end up pushing away their feelings so they don't have to live in a constant state of torment. These are your regular everyday people, you probably talk to 20 of them everyday. Now imagine if you are a victim of trauma at an early age, not only are u unable to understand the abuse, but ur not able to process ur feelings about it. These ppl cannot even communicate their feelings (which is what leads them from behaving their feelings. When we cannot communicate our feelings, we behave them) so now u have a bunch of kids acting out their feelings when they don't even know what they're feeling. U just see brass, unforgiving behaviors coming out of them. They're stuck and confused. If trauma/abuse continues, these kids are going to develop extreme defense mechanisms to protect themselves. This is where the ego and using our narcissistic traits come into a stronger play. It's all to defend themselves. They absolutely have emotions. They absolutely care about other humans, including their partners. But they're still operating in trauma response mode. They are damaged goods. They will most likely never operate in any other way than they've learned to be. They are not even aware they are the narcissist. They are out to get everyone to like them, why? Because they've always felt not good enough their whole lives. Unworthy of love. They were most likely told this by their caregivers or ppl they looked up to and relied on most. They live their lives trying to get ppl to like them, think they're great, get external praise, bc their inner voice is so bleak and empty. The outer world's acceptance and praise is what keeps them from ending themselves. It's absolutely necessary others approve of them. They go out of their way to be the nice guy. The fun guy. The life of the party. The one everyone notices and praises. They honestly believe they are the good guy. But they hate themselves. It's only projected onto those who are closest to them. Mine apologizes all the time. Stops and breaks down saying he never wants to hurt me the way he does. I know it's all projection of what he feels inside. There's so much turmoil and hate for his own self it absolutely spills over onto me and anyone else close to him. He lives in a fake external happiness and wants to stay there. He never wants to look inwardly bc it's not only too painful, but, back to the beginning of what I was saying, his personality type has no flippin idea how to navigate and process what he's feeling. So he ignores it. Which makes it worse. Every pain, every hiccup in his life, every argument, all swept under the rug only to be trapped there by the ginormous walls he's learned to put up to not have to face those feelings. They will never change. At the very most, they will learn to accept themselves in some ways, and thru therapy, learn how to navigate some feelings, and hopefully, be able to manage their treatment of you. They absolutely have emotions for others. They have hearts. They're traumatized. The other type of early traumatized kids grow into what a lot of ppl have got to know as empaths. Or, truly, ppl who know how to read someone's emotions. These are simply children who are of the 16 personality types who ARE able to recognize their feelings and emotions and know how to process them. They grow up building different kinds of defense tactics, such as, paying attention to other ppl's emotions, paying attention to even the smallest facial expressions to know what someone is feeling so they can be quick to run off to protect themselves or dive in to try and help the abuser calm down before the situation gets too escalated. What's interesting is the empath and the narcissist share such similar deep pains and turmoil, they easily recognize it within one another and attract each other. The empath will nurture the narcissist while the narcissist further abuses the empath. It can go both ways. Empaths can also learn to use more of their narcissistic traits to protect themselves and be quite damaging to the narc. Esp bc they understand emotions and feelings so well, they know exactly how to abuse the narcissists confusion in that area. It's probably one of the best examples of trauma bonding. Similar traumas attract. Both experience similar abuse as children, one type understands emotions and deals with it in their own dark ways, another is confused with their emotions and deals with it by behaving their feelings bc they do not know how to communicate them.
Update please
this is an excellent part of the discussion for a clip of something which really matters. thanks
Broken people behave that way. To make excuses and not acknowledge what’s really going on and to get along is not the answer. Until the person who is criticizing get healed from the trauma that they’ve been through before getting into any relationship, the relationship will be very different.
Exactly!
Mentioning Esther Perel in the title might get this video more, and well-deserved, views. Great topic 👍🏿
I deal with this with my family. I will ask them to do something multiple times and they don’t. Instead of complaining I just avoid them and they will ask me what the problem is (noticing my distance) and when I tell them… they gaslight me and pretend like the problem is somewhere else. So it forces me to want to distance myself from them more, always feeling misunderstood when I am the main one communicating what I want or need yet never having enough words or explanation to get them to see my point of view.
It’s like your in my thoughts. I can understand and feel the same way.
Wife and kids or parents/siblings?
@@jackjack4412 parents siblings. This year I’ve also taken steps to work on things I may be doing that adds to the problem. This included becoming more assertive and less flexible/tactful with others people feelings. Saying things how I think and feel them to convey my feelings also helped. Also the distance helped a bunch because it let me reset the relationship in a way. Although I can’t get all that I want I’ve learned to deal with family where they are but also learn when to pull back and that helps me not feel like I give too much and it becomes draining.
@@BakerClan Wow, you seem mature, great job! I don't know you but can relate, so it's inspirational to hear that you're navigating the situation so well. All the best to you and your family.
Aww man I totally understand where you are coming from. I deal with this with my baby daddy
Thank you for sharing this, it’s Powerful….one’s lack of Self Worth, A protection device, Wow and what someone is actually feeling….incredible Insight… your knowledge is Appreciated very much , Grateful 🙏
So insightful as always!!
This video is so valuable!
Great Content, highly appreciated!
I cannot believe how you could break down every part of it so nicely that it resonated with my feelings. In this era we are ashamed of putting ourselves down to ask for something. That makes us feel fragile. But we act strong and we fake it
Everything modern women present is fake because youre constantly fighting your nature to follow trends.
My bf is over weight and out of shape and I constantly compliment him, build him up over the past 2 years. (I don’t struggle with body issues and I’m very confident) And in turn what does he do he attempts to tear me down he picks apart my body, says he likes to sleep with women that look like this and look like that. Which I am none of his descriptions. I’m tired of it and how ever he is feeling about himself is his issues to deal with I’m done!!!
This totally worked.
He criticised me about something petty and small, we had a fight. After this video I came back with "what are you really upset about? You know I care about you and believe you're the right man for me. We can talk when I get home in an hour"
Jesus it opened the door to a boatload of hidden emotions for him to talk to me about.
Had nothing to do with the petty criticisms.
That’s awesome
Instead of “communicating” with your spouse in a healthy way.....you will emotionally abuse your spouse... manipulate...Critique..
It’s a narcissistic! You don’t want to put in the “work” so instead you bully and berate!
I have a critical spouse... it’s like a constant state of criticism, never doing enough... never be enough and I’m constantly going through an imaginary checklist in my mind... did I say hello, smile, ask about the day, is the house clean, did I do everything he wanted and guess what?? It’s still never enough! It’s like a black hole.
I think the context of what is happening in this conversation is important. If this is criticism that occurs occasionally, that is fine. If it is constant, that is not fine. If love is there, you will make up sooner or later. The spark of love is enough to solve these problems. But sometimes love is an illusion we create to fulfil our own desires.
Your questions (the imaginary checklist) come from a state of fear. You are already hurt by the berating. Now you fear you will be criticised, and if you are, that will create even more hurt. That is not love!
Then, my friend, you must run. You may not think it is easy now, but you must go and believe me, you will be happier and you will make it. Take it from someone who lived a wretched life for decades with this imaginary checklist, and the constant abuse, criticism and anger. Even after I left this person, I am still occasionally tormented by memories of those moments.
I wish I had left sooner. But I was only a child then and now I am a man. I could not suffer forever and die in regret. I had no excuses. Today I am free and much happier. Life is too precious, too short, to give it away to an irresponsible person!
This is what I go through every damn day. And one mistake will erase alllllllllll the good things I've done...it's never enough
I'm going through exactly the same thing to a tee at first I thought I was just imagining it I slowed down and started to listen intently to what was being said and observing actions I made notes in my phone regarding scenarios dates etc because when I brought things up calmly I was regularly being gaslighted. I was being constantly critiqued about everything. He comes home from work and takes his mood out on me frequently. I try to talk to him he either ignores or looks through me yet when he wants to talk he expects a response. I cook everyday nothing is appreciated I get negative feedback only of what I should have done. He said I won't propose until you lose weight. We share a business together where I do 90 percent of everything.....Ive give up looking after my appearance becausr I get constant accusations of cheating.........I now just cook clean and very rarely speak its the the only way I can protect myself......I need to leave I know I do that's my responsibility not his I need to find the strength
@@Muringomwangi1990 me too sounds like my life also
I think you missed the point. She said the reason for the criticism is that your spouse doesn't feel loved or lovable. And that might not even come from you but their inner child issues. You not recognizing that directly said that also says there is some unhealthy communications you might also be struggling with. Have you heard of love languages and attachment theory. You might be anxious attachment and your spouse is avoidant which is a very unhealthy and very common trauma bond relationship that happens.
This is a lovely idea and has a place in thinking through a disagreement, but neglects the too-frequent reality of ongoing criticism and verbal abuse by those who are simply seeking a pretext and a target.
Thank you!
Well said!
I think they didn't address that because that part is obvious and it's a go to assumption for a lot of people. It's a surface level analysis in other words, but this video digs deeper.
@@jackjack4412that’s great that it digs deeper but there needs to be a solution to the criticism. Because criticism can come across as verbal assault or abuse at times. Criticism is not always constructive. Even when you think you’re being constructive “helpful”. This can be perceived, as being torn down by your partner, and not being truly accepted. If there is a wish, or a desire that you have from your partner that needs to be expressed with out the criticism. All criticism does is makes your partner feel like their efforts aren’t good enough. It sounds like conditional love, and that is how it is received. And when the person hears criticism long enough, they feel like they could never make the partner happy so they just stop trying. Criticism is one of the four horsemen of a relationship breaking up. The four horsemen are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It is best to address your communication skills with your partner, so that you’re not unintentionally being toxic. Everything else is just an excuse.
@@user-iu1up9js6x sometimes stuff just needs to get done. People need to learn to embrace criticism.
The trick is putting up a wall high enough to block the criticism and see through it, but low enough that you can still love your partner.
Sir, you are 100% correct. Someone constantly criticizing another is abusive.
Wow tysm!
Writers r just amaizing.. wow
Some people just cant handle hard facts when someone is being open and honest some people have standards unconditional love is bs thats how you lose yourself self love self respect is first you cant make people respect you sometimes we confuse it with being courtesy
It IS selfish.. I can buy something blue and my husband will criticize the color, the fabric, the fact I spend money… it’s NOT not feeling special or whatever.. it’s about I didn’t do it the exact way he wanted it done.
Maybe another day, when you buy something, just keep it as secret. Your relationship will thank you, hehe
After 5 years of relationships where my girlfriend has constantly tell me how I do things wrong for her, how I dont do thing right and make me feel im not up to her standards.
Saturday night I proposed and she said YES and on Sunday night she called me and told she didnt feel good because I didnt make a speech about how I feel about her, how I didnt tell her I loved her in that moment and she felt I managed it as an "ordinary" or "just another" day when I felt I put all my efforts into maling that day go how it should.
I feel really really sh**y on what is supposed to be one of the most important and happiest day of my life, i feel lost.
Bro, go away NOW
Do not marry her!
Dude you got to run, that sounds terrible. She is going to destroy you, you should not put up with that.
RUN before you lose half of everything you own.
I’m a female and I’m telling you to run 😯
Research again & again and through experience working with people, a common pattern I'm seeing is people who don't open up and be themselves, and don't express what they truly think & feel first with THEMSELVES, always have problems in relationships with other people.
Good thing there's a way to break this conditioning and get back to who you really are inside :)
I'm done adulting with immature people. Explain to the fools who wanna subconsciously keep being tortured. I'd rather be alone than have their crap
Im right there with you. Csnt believe how many times I got roped into such bs. Note they never criticize you from day one, they always boil you slowly like a frog in a pot after they get commitment. Meaning they know EXACTLY what they are doing
@@airthrowDBT they do not. You making them the bad “other” keeps you from taking responsibility for you own life.
That’s a learned helplessness trait.
If you had early childhood trauma, it is highly likely that your “red flag meter” became broken in some way, and you have blind spots to certain behavior (as it was normalized in your home growing up…and it’s not very obvious as it can come in different “flavors”). So, while it seems as a surprise…a person with a secure attachment style would’ve seen the signs.
Once we heal the wounds, our red flag meter recalibrates, and we can “see” the signs we would’ve previously missed
They are there…
Trying to figure out what to do when you’re in a group that you make and someone is extremely belittling or condescending to a friend or a spouse in a group ?
I have a physical disability. Every day, I live in pain that would bring people to their knees. I work a full-time job, and every day varies on how much energy I have at when I get home to get my honey due list done. My wife will remind me every day of my list, and when I tell her I can't do it that day, she will insist that I am just making that up or being lazy. She insults me demeans my character and has actually brought out suicide thoughts in me. I have accomplished many of these things on my list, but then it just grows and becomes larger. I am miserable daily, I have to pretend to smile when I know it's appropriate, and I encourage her every day I don't say negative things to her. I'm too busy trying to deal with my own misery and pain to fight back. I have offered her the suggestion of divorce if she wants out. She says that's what I want even though I don't. I just don't want to take the blame for her resenting me. We barely have a physical relationship anymore. I'm exhausted and out of ideas. I'm at the point of just leaving and never looking back, although she will finish turning my children against me if I'm not around. She definitely brings out the worst in me, especially if I feel cornerd and she is having a relentless moment of badgering me with words and how I don't care or love her. Which is so far from the truth or would have left years ago. 😔
I would take her straight to a psychologist and read this note to her in front of a professional third party. Or have the professional read it to her, while you secretly record it as a "safety" net. If a meeting with a doctor doesn't smarten her up, you have the recording as proof that you tried, and if she starts to "alienate" you towards your children, I'd play the thing, to your children. Play dirty right back. I hated it when my family members were at each other's throats for things that the other parent could not do better than they were doing. Good luck, and I don't care if it is legal or not to record, where I come from it is legal. I do not like lies and twisting of the truth.
That sounds like a really awful situation and bad for your mental state and stability. Take care of yourself.
2:42 - "...and that's why I decide to put it on you" is not okay, does not make sense and is unacceptable. What are you doing to your partner if you use verbal aggression to externalize your frustration? Simple: throwing them away.
The awful truth behind this situation is: they should leave you. You should experience the consequences of you actions. You cannot expect to mistreat your partner and receive positive reinforcement in return.
It is your fault. Take accountability.
I wished so much yet I accepted that is okay not to get it, but at the same time it blows my mind I believe I deserve love, respect and genuine love because that's what I am doing. .. is just so hard to continually listening negative comments and words with definition not love , not respect no empathy.
One thing just so tired to complain and that iam just lacking this lacking that. Is like the husband cheated, was violent abusive, controls the $$$ and the economy.
Then all I hear is what I missed what I should be improving.
I know we have to do this for our selves with a partner that supports you is something I desire, soo tired of this narc and the never enough story
My partner constantly corrects me. It feels like criticism. I can't figure out if I'm being oversensitive?? 😢 It hurts like hell.
Same here, everyone telling Iam over analizing but my selfesteem is going down.
She is hella smart
Sometimes we just want to know that what we did made her happy. Or that we are accepted. Constant criticism messes with self esteem.
It’s such a double-edged sword. I remember learning that hurt people end up hurting people, and that’s what happens in situations like you mention. I believe it’s one of our lowest levels of maturity.
She nails this without psychobabble or memespeak. I also dig the animation. Thanks.
So true, she isn't trying to persuade us, she is just saying
Insightful but sometimes certain behavior warrants criticism and it is not enough to just express a wish. For example, it is not enough to say "I wish you were not a jerk to me in the party in front of everybody" because that makes it sound almost as if that's a mere preference when in fact it should not have even happened in the first place.
Great distinction. I wouldn’t define saying that to your partner would be a critique in the first place, but something that’s true and you want to change.
- D, FS Team
@@tkppodcast yes, but I get the sense that criticism can always be viewed as "this is true and I want it to change". Even her example "why don't you ask me about my podcast?" could be translated as "you're not paying enough attention, we are here to talk about my podcast but you're talking about other things", which can be seen as something that should change and not just a matter of mere preference. Anyway, perhaps it's a matter of degree, going from extreme examples like my original one to milder ones like the podcast one.
That's different I'd say...more abusive there..I'd say..if u put me down again, I'll question whether I want stay in this relationship...ur move..
To him, I'd be thinking...ur move now, stop it, or I'll consider leaving..
I heard another you tuber say:
You don't have much posetive to say about me, do you?
In a way "forcing" them to express posetivity.
I am this woman. I am critical when I deeply care. I do not want to watch the person I love suffer, or to watch us suffer, or digress. I firmly believe that a strong woman can feel unloved and mistreated by her partner. A human will always have some subconscious emotion of not being good enough. Even when it is their partner who, over time, has not been good to them. Even so, I believe a strong woman will stand up- and she will ask you to do the same. It actually means she is willing to walk with you through it all. She can only stand by you if you are standing. She does not want you to fall or fail. At least for a woman like me, I am independent. It takes alot of love for me to want to be with anyone, let alone through thick and thin. But I believe most hardships are like wounds, no matter the healing time that may be needed, it's best to address it as soon as possible. It looks like criticism, and maybe sometimes it is. She wants to be a partner.
Can you handle a man being the same way towards you though?
@@Oyb730 absolutely
I think independence is often cohabitating with this issue. I have developed hypervigilance due to being forced to be independent and take care of others at a young age. I don't know how to be "myself" unless I'm fixing or solving problems. That includes people close to me. It's never from a place of negativity, but more so :I want to help you!". Having adhd meant I had to work harder at this role I was assigned as a young child even more. I'm 37 and strangely independent and dependant at the same time. It's weird.
this is only about one really specific kind of criticism.
Can you imagine how many partners are criticizing their partner for answering the call to defend our homeland at the front?
No politics, just rough
I tell my husband what I want all the time have been for the last 10 years. It has gotten to the point where I just blame him now because I have already communicated my wants and desires and it is his fault why it isn’t being done.
I understand what she is saying. I have to disagree with her on the simple fact that everyone is aware of their actions and how they sound( tone of voice) when they speak to someone in a demeaning corrective tone. I feel like everyone gives people a "pass" because of insecurity but, insecurity is a individual issue and cannot be helped or mended by anyone other than the effected party. Some people just take it out on others, just leave these people alone until they figure their own stuff out. Otherwise you could be on the receiving end of their life of insecurity.
I'm never aware of my mean tone unless someone points it out. I've gotten in trouble for it my whole life. I'd definitely say not everyone is or can manage that all of the time. It's also really hard to fix..your voice.
not everyone is aware of their tone of voice I'm deaf to my own tone of voice my angry sounds the same as I'm neutral & the only way I know this is I think I've said it neutrally & they get all huffy & say I'm bitch tone so there for this showcases I'm tone deaf to that. I can only sometimes rarely feel how my throat feels a bit tighter for anger yet this is a rare component & not reliable to help me know if I'm using an angry, sad, or whatever tone as it all sounds neutral to me and feels like it's coming out of my throat in the majority of the time as a neutral delivery & tone.
My husband constantly corrects me. How I drive. How I dress. How I speak. Everything, constantly
Control
@@moyvuong7406shut up
He’s uncomfortable with your differences…and only secure and trusting of his ways.
What if my partner criticizes my weight? He says he doesn't feel "heard" because my weight stagnated for a year. I lost 40 lbs initially, then my weight bounced around by 10 lbs for a year. I'm still down about 30 lbs, but he says I'm not taking HIS feelings into account because I'm not continuing to lose weight. He brings up my lack of progress every time we see each other. I still track my weight daily and I still count calories. It's not like I've given up. But because my journey has some ups and downs I'm not listening to him?
I know he loves me and our relationship isn't based on physical appearances. I think if anything, he wants me to become physically attractive to him. But at this point I'm sick of hearing about it.
I am working on it!
But to him, I should already be at my goal weight.
Sorry to say but that isn’t love and he is basing your relationship on physical looks… any partner that critiques your weight, does not have your heart or feelings in mind. If they cared, truly about your heart and your health( they’d ask you if there was anything they could do to support/ encourage you with it). People forget that their words and delivery of the spoken word speaks volumes of where their heart is.
He's the weight that you ought to lose
Narcissists can explain their way out of anything.
My ex had a lot of wishes.
So by telling someone they aren't good enough for you or can't love you like you want them to! Because you feel like your neglected!? Is going to help?
No bro, idea is it's a mess already, so try if this works to unmess it a bit at least
Extremely accurate most women communicate passive they just want come out and say it. They use hints and talk in circles
Many PEOPLE do this. Don't just point to one gender. Both can have ineffective communication (not vulnerable is another way of saying that), not saying clearly what they want, need, defining terms (as not all people agree on those) and what their boundaries are. It takes deep introspection, emotional intelligence, self awareness, and skills to communicate in ways where you are as clear as you think you are.
@@Alphacentauri819 Men are direct and to the point 👉
@@meme-zv7kw that's an unfortunate and global generalization. Inquire deeply to your own limiting beliefs. Cognitive distortions...like the black/white thinking you're displaying here. Rigid thinking is a poor attempt to shore up against the vast uncertainty in life. It's what people with deep anxiety do to try to feel "sure".
People are far more complex than it seems your simple worldview allows for. Deeply multifaceted and many iterations, humans show up as. While maybe you can feel more in "control" by hanging on to your confirmation bias...it is an illusion.
It would behoove you to take on the scary but expanding, growth mindset, that uses introspection and metacognition.
I've worked with thousands of patients (male and female) in critical care, studied psychology for decades & study neuroscience currently. Your view is from a limited pinhole of the world. Expand that or stay limited (and blind).
@@meme-zv7kwWish my fiance was. He's more passive and indirect than I am.
Society says if women come out and say it they're a man or they're a bitch or they're bossy which is still bitch but with demand hence covert which one would you want?
Incredibly vivid and impactful; similar to a book that was impactful in its vivid storytelling. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Author Name
“Is that selfish ❓”- Good question 🎯 & Esther’s self-conscious (& less than confident) “No” betrayed a lack of certainty she rarely displays… there are Grey areas here & men tire of being constantly expected to ‘read between the lines’-🤷🏻
True that too
What do you do when you do say what you want and they ignore it lol
It's a wish? Well, why hadn't I thought of that? 6 years of her "wishes" has led me to become inconsequential in my own life. Dammit, if only I'd known to try harder to get her approval.
Wow
Well those are not criticism.
Ok.We know the reason. Lack of self worth. How as man we should handle this critisicm?What are some practical speech responses to this critiques?
Ask your partner what it is that they want and show interest in them. If they ask for something you can’t offer, see if you can compromise but importantly express that it’s important to you, and she is important to you
Maybe the partner wants the other to improve in that particular area. Maybe that person is insecure about themselves? Which way is the wind blowing today?
Yo
Ok When I’m put on the spot in front and f others because he knows I’ll go along with him instead of embarrassing myself
This is a toxic way of communication
Yes they defend themselves but it is also a sign of mistrust. They think you hurt them even though they probably hurt you more. People with low maturity are usually doing that. 😅
So people criticise and hurt their partner who they claim to love so they themselves don't get hurt? That is the epitomy of selfish. It's sick.
TLDR; your verbally abusive partner is only verbally abusive because you are a bad partner
Mmmm I wish she used a different scenario.
Criticism from Negative ppl & Narcs are not about being Neglected….
They just can’t Stand to See you Happy, so they will try to come after your Self Esteem, to Extinguish your Light
I got a sense that critical people hate to see in others what they hate about themselves..Imperfection.
You need a safe space
the bizarre way is difficult to understand for non bizarre people, so whole thing is a mess
This is absolutely wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Read the book In sheep's Clothing. Some people are indeed fighting constantly to cause you harm and criticism is a powerful tool that they use.
Agreed!
Except for some people, it's right.
Just as in some cases, you're explanation is right.
I do ask questions but you have the memory of a gold fish
The guy host is correct, they are nagging to try and change behavior. That is selfish and manipulative. As a guy or girl you are telling the person "i dont like what you are, change"
Also, what she is saying justifies bad behavior. She’s describing a toxic relationship that probably shouldn’t last
simple to establish one's boundaries and communicate diuretic without subterfuge or games. Why not simply say I need this" or "I would like this" and go from there. fulla excreent. grow up and take res0sibility.
The videos in the background are scary yo
I hear a lot of passive aggressive rationalization.
this guy asked a very idiotic question. There is nothing more selfish than not noticing the other one in your relationship, actually. This guy lacks basic understanding of human beings.
Sounds like bs to excuse bad behaviour and put it onto the man.
Esther Peral justifies bad behavior. I think she is dangerous to relationships.
Woman criticise because they feel negative emotion more strongly. They are also more passive and think their job ends at pointing out something isn't right
Because throughout history if we expressed a need directly we would be punished or ignored for it. Just like men have been for their emotions.
This is false. Women do at least two and a half times more emotional labor and instigate more relationship repairs and opportunities for connection. In general, men get emotionally flooded quicker than women and according to the Gottman Institute, at least 65% of men actually increase negativity during a couple's conflict.
I tell my husband I criticize about little things because I’m looking for any area where he hears me and is a sign of loving me if he stops doing what I’m criticizing me.
“if i communicate clearly then i have to put myself out there and be slightly vulnerable. so instead i will berate you and disrespect you our entire relationship”
women lol