I completely agree, but the only other thing i think is crucial in a long term relationship is whether the partner actively makes a contribution towards solving an issue - just saying ‘i understand’ isn’t always enough to reassure you that your being heard. They both need to want to make things right to move past it.
Wholeheartedly agree with this. Just because you have a partner that says "I understand" still implies a form of a passive exchange - a conversation with a wall almost. There almost is a need for friction, or a livelier tussle that ensures the other party truly resonates.
Depends on the context on how serious that issue is, but for a lot of people we just assume (rightfully or not) that when their SO says they understand, that they do. I can't imagine second guessing my SO in this context ngl, but every relationship is different.
@Turkey God I don't think she meant they're not being genuine when saying "I understand". I think she meant that a more active contribution is needed and/ or goes further; meaning, they actively do their part to try and resolve the conflict because for only saying "I understand" can be a lazy way out of for some - with them thinking they did their part by simply understanding, and that's all they have to do. This seems to happen more often in A/B Type dynamics, whether it's just As' perception, or legitimate mental laziness.
My tips after being together for 9 years about to be married: 1. Talk about the hard stuff (money, kids, responsibilities with the house etc.) 2. Be sure you're on the same page when it come to each others families (like respect and boundaries) 3. Play Question games like Lovify, to build understanding and keep things exciting. 4. Always date each other, go out together, plan new adventures 5. It's good to have a life outside of each other 6. Actions speak louder than words
@@diane11m93 I think if you have breakups like that, you probably should just move on. I know it's hard, but getting back together over and over doesn't usually seem to work.
For me I was assuming my views and wants were obvious, and I tended to assume my partner generally wanted the same kind of things,just because it made so much sense to want those things. I've learned I needed to communicate everything, and not only listen to my partner but actually put effort into understanding and giving empathy even if their needs are different from mine. Now I'm single, but next time I'll do better.
That's interesting. I think that stems from childhood. My assumption is that you had good parents that understood your needs and wants and you got used to that. There's nothing wrong with that! That's a healthy child/parental relationship. A romantic relationship is just a different kind of relationship between two people. A more give and take, rather than an unconditional love of a child. I tell my daughters all of the time..."No one can read your mind. Use your words." 💜
@@Leo-mr1qz You are exactly correct, I had parents that showed me unconditional love, so now it's easy for me to assume my needs will always be met or at the very least be understood. I've had to learn that in a relationship my partner can't read my mind like my parents seemed to always be able to do.
@@Leo-mr1qz It is pretty interesting though that normally we pick a partner that is like the parent that was lacking what we needed because it is comfortable or rather something in us wants to fix what is wrong in the flawed parent through the partner we chose thus healing ourselves. The type of love between a parent and a child and 2 lovers is a lot more similar than we think.
@@Leo-mr1qz It really helps us to do the introspective work though right! Thanks for sharing and replying back! I hope you have a long and loving marriage!
I'm a psychology student and my Professor in Zürich (Bodenmann) has done a lot research about breakups, and the most concerning breakup type to me (which is on the rise right now) are breakups in stable relationships with high satisfaction rates, but where the partners simply think somewhere out there could be a partner, the perfect one whos maybe a little bit more like I want them to be. Thats really beyond me, and makes me question our western civilisation. (BTW this is also the most harmful breakup type for children (!) because they learn even when everything seems good and stable it all can fall apart)
That is interesting. Could you provide any scholarly references that focus on breakups? I wonder how the researchers define “satisfaction” in relationships. I also wonder what factors contribute to cause these partners to risk losing who they currently have for someone that matches their vision of a “perfect” partner.
Couldn't agree more, to truly listen to a partner is something you learn. I feel communication is the path to true love. Also try not let the past dictate your future. Just my opinion.
So true, I can relate to all this. I've been with my husband 17 years and we had a rocky moment about 4-5 years ago. We worked on our communications and active listening skills and it has helped so much. Our relationship now is better than it ever was. We have a new intimacy that feels amazing. We can be vulnerable with each other in our safe space because we know that we're heard.
I am so pleased to hear this - very heartening. I teach communication to couples & also create safety for them to practice with my support. It's wonderful to see the difference it makes. Active Listening is a skill & a practice! Thanks for sharing 😊
To the *worthwhile person* seeing this, Love is the greatest. Don’t allow the past and current pains and hurts stop and define you. You’re more than a conqueror. Rise up and put yourself together. Keep pushing your future depends on it. I wish you all the best in life ❤️.
Sorry but saying "I understand" without taking action to extend beyond a phrase, it means nothing. It's frustrating; in fact it could be worse than not understanding; if someone understands truly and refuses to take action, they are not worth fighting for.
A couple of key things need to happen in a good relationship... 1. Mutual Respect for each others needs, dreams, aspirations and goals. 2. Mutually putting each others needs FIRST. This then creates an equilibrium. 3. Unconditional love. That means unconditional! You can disagree but your love and affection remain unconditional. 4. Acknowledge and praise when your partner does something for you, no matter how trivial. Always show that you have noticed and appreciate their efforts on your behalf. 5. Enjoy your time together!
Relationships aren't unconditional and they shouldn't be - a degree of satisfaction needs to be the condition bc otherwise you stay in an unhappy relationship wasting your life. Adults are not babies. They can and should make choices and can and should be held accountable when they fuck up. And that can include severing the relationship if it's detrimental to well-being or just very far removed from what you want in life
Some of these videos are so incredibly spot on. My ex was someone I deeply loved who truly had a variety of exceptionally wonderful qualities about her... but she could never listen to feedback at all and would throw tantrums and misbehave if I ever tried to talk about any problem in the relationship no matter how small, and there was never any progress whatsoever. Problems and resentment accumulated because she simply refused to ever reflect or address anything no matter how hard I tried. She could not ever accept fault or even that there were things she could improve on. There was either no problem at all or everything was my fault. Sustaining a relationship with someone like that is impossible, even if they have a lot of other truly positive qualities.
I think that a sign of maturity is being able to disagree with videos from this channel. Hearing someone out isn't enough; it's also important to make an effort to understand the other. But there are relationships where people grow in different directions that no amount of effort can lead to a good compromise because people change. ETA: It's so weird how there are people taking this opinion to heart, but I stand by it. Sometimes the more you try to understand somebody, the more you realize that you're completely different people. It happens. Doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. It just happens. You can respectfully disagree without being passive aggressive.
I think the idea put forth in the video was not just about asking people to "hear out" each other, but more importantly, to "acknowledge" their point of view with due and credible diligence. The "other" must know that their point of view was not just heard out, but also thought about in all earnesty.
@@eduardothomaz4261 Did you read the entire comment? I was talking about how there are instances where understanding and/or putting in the effort to get along may become difficult because people change and grow apart.
@@jusdani It is true that if people have _already_ changed and grown apart, then there would be almost no understanding, and there would simply be no scope for hearing out. But the idea in the video was that, inorder to arrest the growing apart phase in the first place (and possibly even reverse it before it is too late), it is effective to become empathetic by truthfully thinking about the other person's viewpoint and do something about it after such earnest reflections. The message was that, if you were to do that, chances are - you might actually not get to the point where one party has changed so much, as to irreversibly and permanently drift apart.
@@jusdani I did and it has no logic. People 'change' and 'grow apart' because they're too self-involved to appreciate the effort of sticking together. What you call 'changing and growing apart' is what I call narcissistic nonsense. But I am entirely sure this will fly right over your head so my comment is moot.
This has absolutely been my experience. I recently went through a breakup and in the end it was absolutely about how our differences were handled, not WHAT the differences were. I felt unheard, unseen, and misunderstood day in and day out, and in the end that was the final straw.
I’ve just come out of a relationship that probably could’ve been resolved had I/we learned how to respond to insecurities. The relationship was going great until I got upset when she went to pull away when I tried to kiss her one day. I didn’t tell her how it made me feel, I reacted by ignoring her txts, making my replies short and unenthusiastic and so on. This was disrespectful but I just didn’t want to tell her the truth, out of fear that I would be perceived as “weak” Then I got the silent treatment which made it even worse. I messaged out of anger and wanted to end the relationship. Things went on a downward spiral simply because we couldn’t talk about it. The fear of being undesired for expressing our feelings can be a barrier. Communicating in a calm and non aggressive mature way was probably the way to go. What benefitted me, was the break up revealed an insecurity in myself that I never addressed, I simply had low self esteem and was seeking validation through others. This made me act “needy” and somewhat made me react childish which is a red flag. I came to the conclusion that I need to work on myself, change the view of my self worth. Hit the gym, learn new skills, better quality social interactions. Eat, sleep better ect. Edit: If you read this whole message thanks😂
This was a very inspiring video. I recently broke up from a long term relationship and often found myself asking why this happened. This video definitely resonated with me. I used to think that it was his lack of compromise and how his actions didn’t deliver his words that drifted us apart. Watching this video invited me to shift perspective. The lack of action definitely played a part in the meltdown, however the feeling of being unheard was probably indeed the biggest issue. There was definitely a lot of blocking and resistance whenever I tried to express how something bothered me. I did not feel understood or heard for the majority of the arguments we had. I was cut off mid sentence, blamed when I tried to articulate something, or was met with a lot of defensiveness. Perhaps as a result of not feeling heard, the lack of change following an agreed upon compromise is seen as a greater insult to the relationship. If for every conflict we had, he let me talk, verbalized how he understood what mattered to me, and the reasoning behind why I was feeling upset, that alone might have been a game changer. It would have mitigated so much frustration and resentment. It would have deescalated the heat quickly. Feeling understood, I would have been more patient and accepting of the differences. Feeling understood would have encouraged me to empathize and to try to better understand him.
I could have written these exact words. Thank you for sharing. I needed to know I wasn't alone in this situation and to understand it was right to break up. I stayed much too long.
Now do u feel that u r responsible for continuously nagging or trying to bring issues to get solutions n it made him suffocated.. I didn't understand it please elaborate
@@hsdiem0 It felt like I was the problem for expressing myself when something didn’t work for me. And now that I’m in a healthy relationship, I can see how detrimental that was. I was simply not the problem.
No. I disagree so much of what this video is saying. The reason many couples break up is NOT that one or both don't feel heard. While good communication is necessary for a successful relationship, it isn't sufficient. If a couples core values are incompatible the relationship is doomed. Feeling heard isn't enough when your partner behaves in such a way that goes against your core values. This is why it may matter how a person votes, or how they treat your friends, or their attitudes towards money, or children, or how much intimacy is shared in the relationship. Empathy and communication will not solve these thorny issues if core values are incompatible. This is why it is SO important to know what your core values are, and honestly share them during the early stages of a relationship. Otherwise it is like trying to climb Mt. Everest with only a heavy coat and crampons. You need a map and a lot more equipment than that!
This is interesting and I think you’re right. The idea of being understood is great but if you have made big commitments while not having communicated different values, they are going to continuously cause problems because we all act on our moral compass. you’ll keep fucking up in your SOs mind and you’ll always think that what you did followed your true identity. It would lead members of the relationship to potentially hide when things upset them if they are trying so hard to understand someone else’s values that they simply do not agree with. It’s difficult because other videos from school of life present hiding ones sensitivity to ways we feel our SO has messed up as “mind games”, it’s like their videos kind of cross over and in real life would cancel each other out as soon as the context isn’t something black and white and values that induce certain behaviours become subjectively right or wrong instead of just the result of misunderstanding. I guess what they say about compassion is important when lots of people pin relationships failing on “toxicity” as opposed to miscommunication, but infactuation can defintely lead us astray from viewing our SOs values which may be different from ours to the point that we simply cannot understand them, accepting those differences doesn’t stop them influencing situations, it would build resentment. This video kind of makes it seem like anyone could have a long term relationship with anyone as long as they have maximum empathy, which I don’t think is possible.
I met some, and experienced in a relationship with, that don't even believe their own 'core values' because their actions didn't match what they were. Whatever their moral compass, their beliefs are. You are right that people can have empathy, love, be caring, understanding, good communication, and listening to their partner, but there's a reason why some of this is NOT enough either. It can strengthen a relationship to have some major core beliefs that the two have in common and truly act upon what those are. Doing their best to sustain them regardless how each person changes in life overtime. And as time goes on either they grow together or move apart since everyone changes in life. Sometimes those core beliefs expand or disappear which tests greatly how the relationship can sustain or does it break them. If it is broken then is it repairable? Are they willing to improve themselves and reevaluate what they believe or is it too far gone? That is up between the two people in the relationship, regardless what that may be.
i think youre very much right but understanding is more like getting yourself to the Mt. Everest with a heavy coat and crampons in the first place and ofcourse you need a map and the other equipment too but what use is that when if you are not standing infront of the Everest besides, if your core values are not at all compatible then, what are you even fighting for
I think since movies, social media has been more wide spread many treat relationships like a perfect romantic comedy. The love, the passion, the wanting last half a year to a year. Rest of the relationship is about friendship, partnership, companionship, communication, and trust. Many left a very good relationship due to yearning for that sparks and passion of a new relationship, which only happens in a NEW relationship. People who always comment how other's are happier, how others are enjoying their vacation when they see friends' social media forget that they have a good partner and just came back from their own vacation 2 months ago (grass being greener on the other side) are usually the sign on the person is not fit, or ready for a long term relationship.
Grass is always greener on the other side but you only get to mow one lawn No matter if your single or married each have a good and not so good side.. I think people tend to get married too young. So much growth happens in your 20’s
@@kateskeys If you want children you should have them before 35 after that the eggs are not as good. To grow a family takes time and should be done early before 30's the 2 need to make something together that is theirs.
It isn't enough to be heard, if they truly are needs and the other person truly cares about you then they should also try to meet them to the best of their ability. This should also be a two way street. But hearing and acknowledging but refusing to act is not a sustainable way to retain a relationship. If just being heard is enough it wasn't a true need.
I agree with you. Saying ‘I hear you and understand how important it is for you’ is completely meaningless if the important issue needs some kind of change or action.
I cried a lot after watching this, because I realized that my ex preferred his best friend over me. Through the years, it’s been happening like that and maybe I should’ve been more upfront from the start that it was a red flag yet I didn’t say anything thinking that I trust them. But that bond had grew more stable than ours. He couldn’t take it out. The comparisons to her were always there. I feel like it will haunt me for years.
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. It’s hard when we talk ourselves out of a truth because we want to trust, show that we are not jealous or that we are secure. I once read the grass is greenest where we water it. Red flags are sometimes powerful signals that a bond is in need of nurturing - being attuned to this is a strength which many are tempted to pathologise.
I'm in this situation at the moment. All of his female friends whom he claims are like his "sisters" to him. They go off on long walks together and to concerts all the time. I'm not included. So many red flags with him saying "you're jealous, you don't have any friends,.." etc. There is some sort of emotional bond there. How can this sort of situation be resolved? I'm so tempted to walk away from this. I've put up with it for far too long.
My husband wanted me to be a housewife, entertain his friends, run around with kids, keep the home tidy but he was always absent. I tried to give him what he wanted but it got too lonely and humiliating to constantly explain to neighbors and friends that he is “away working”. So I am no longer going to try to meet his expectations, I want to work and be independent. When someone gives you what you want, at least be present.
Enjoyed this take until the very conclusive point. Someone who "says" that they are going to think hard about something and see of they can do anything about it, regardless of whether they can do something to change or not, is very different from someone who actually does think about it. Being told your concerns will be thought about and then knowing that they haven't been is worse than having asked at all. Both result in the same sad outcome.
@@tinktinka If it is a pattern of SAYING they will consider it but nothing helpful comes of it, then it's just a lollypop. Sounds sweet, but it just shuts you up and it's not nutritional for the marriage. Words are nice, but not without action/results. There is a saying I heard in my freshman composition class: show, don't tell.
This. The words without the actions and efforts to back them up become very confusing. Lead me to second guess myself and feel unimportant/unworthy of effort.
I was wondering what was the reason for ending my previous longterm relationship and you are completely right. I was aware of all of our differences for years and tried to make it work, but it all crushed when the other didn’t want to hear my side and called me crazy. Thanks so much for this revelation!
I've watched several of your videos, sorry to say this is the first one with which I respectfully disagree. There are persons who simply look elsewhere when they decide that their particular needs/desires are not being met. They make no attempt to communicate. Being 'heard' and 'understood' is not a problem for them, they simply turn their attention to someone else because they want to be heard without having to do the work of communicating. It takes courage, honesty, and a willingness to be vulnerable to have real communication. For them, it's easier to find someone else. The cycle repeats until they can no longer attract another - then they stay, for all the wrong reasons.
Agreed. There's inestimable value in having good communication, but some people simply chase feelings and are very good at hiding that fact. They love the honeymoon phase, which many aspects of can last years, and then they're ready to move on no matter what their partner does or says to try and accommodate them. The biggest issue is that "for better or for worse" means nothing to far too many in modern times, and it's not always easy to know who sees the world that way going in.
This is explicitly true, I have ruined a relationship before bc I couldn’t be honest with my curiosities after said virginity was gone and I knew she was hella insecure. Instead of manning up and being honest about what I wanted I sneaked around like an asshole and fucked it over for her. I know now I should have been honest and I have worked on that trait 💯 for them, future potential, and especially myself. Full accountability on anyone’s own side is key, if you are too defensive you can never be self critical when it is effective to do so.
Lol! The video says communication is a huge factor. You've typed in your own message that "some people make no attempt to communicate." If pple don't say why "their needs aren't being met, it's still a communication issue. If pple don't say why "their needs/desires aren't being met, it's still a communication issue. Pple who don't say what the problem or cause for change is are have a communication problem and are therefore UNCOMMUNICATIVE. I don't understand what your issue with the video is. It's like you don't want to admit the problem you're describing is a communication problem. Miscommunication is miscommunication. I don't get what the difference is btwn your comment and the video.
I'm 42 and have never been fully heard in a relationship. I try my best to listen, hear, support, and understand. It seems I keep attracting people who like that quality about me, but do not have that quality within themselves to be able to give to their partner. I am now single and finally very truly happy. I am listening to and hearing myself for once in my life because no one else would.
To all of those who feel this video emphasizes only "hearing" but not action, it does indeed encourage us to listen, hear and adjust. Of course, implicit in adjusting to meet your partner's needs is to do so within your own boundaries and desires. Makes sense, right? It is a negotiation and balancing act. But acting to mindfully meet your partner's needs begins with hearing and understanding the other person's needs. And that is the major point, I believe, of the video. Of course, you then try to honor and give action to those needs within your own boundaries and needs. But relationships die when a partner feels their needs are not even heard and understood, much less met. The video also suggests we reflect on how much of the smaller things we are willing to abide and let go of when it is clear our partner hears and honors our larger more important needs and tries to meet them within their own boundaries and desires. For example, maybe I can be patient with her annoying best friend since my partner obviously hears and honors my, to her, seemingly mad regular need for reassuring and affirming words. It seems our relationships can be much more lasting and satisfying with understanding, kindness, authenticity and generosity towards each other and ourselves.
The success of a long-term relationship lies in the work of both partners. And it depends only on both lovers whether the relationship will be long, healthy and happy. The first one is that these goals should never become passive components in your relationship, and the second is that you need to incorporate active communication in your relationship in whatever you're busy doing. #1. Learning Is Always Going To Be Part Of The Process #2. Remain Two Individuals #3. Work Together to Manage Finances #4. Best Friends and Forever Lovers It's some of the best advice I've ever received: Let go of the anxiety and see life as an adventure - the journey you were meant to walk with your partner.
I put off watching this one because I didn't think it was relevant, (relationships being a very low priority to me). But the core message is spot on. "It's better to be single than unseen."
Obviously it is important to take your partner seriously and to try to understand each other but in my opinion when there really are conflicts it just doesn't suffice to say this. Some form of change needs to happen then because without change you will just get to this point again and again. You don't fully have to do what your partner wants but some form of compromise needs to be done
You had me until the sex part. If one person doesn't want any sex at all and the other one does, well, it's just not going to work. I mean, one person can be 'heard' about not wanting it and the reasons why, but that still doesn't change the fact that the other person wants/needs the intimacy that sex brings. I know. Been there.
That's when you both need to either compromise on how the partner that wants sex can still get it through other means, or break it off. This is a common issue and there's not much of a guide on what to do in that circumstance which really sucks.
I hear you and understand you. It is pretty shitty. I have learned through multiple marriages and relationships that sometimes at the end of the day finding a partner that is compatible is far more better mentally then trying to constantly compromise and put in harder work than is needed. I am now in a very healthy and awesome relationship where the sex is absolutely absurd and the connection is amazing.. very different from my previous incompatible relationships. Good luck Tea Time!
@@trooper744 I feel when I hear people say you have to compromise as wisdom to a successful marriage than it can mean they didn’t find a compatible partner so “compromise” is the next big thing.
This video makes me teary. Can we accept the fact that maybe there will be no one who would hear and see us except ourselves ? The acceptance of this possibility in an awakening sense affords more consolation to me as it takes a lot of courage to stand on our own feet facing the world and willing to hear others without expecting being heard.
That's not true, some rare ppl have the empathy needed to accept and understand you..The problem is they might not be wrapped in the pretty packaging you require to be able to be intimate with them. Or they might be of a different gender or a friend much older or younger than yourself. . Or they may not be attracted to you and it's unrequited, they may be male but not attracted to women. The only person who loves and accepts you for who you really are may be your adult child or a family member..and to me that's a wonderful thing. Your one true love might not be a romantic partner but if you find someone,no matter their circumstance, appearance etc and they are kind and understand you and love you for your true self , always keep them in your life. Modern media focuses so much about romances between a man and a woman that ppl now automatically think that's the only way that love can matter..it's not true. In fact penetr*tion often has very little to do real feelings or love, just sexx.
Reading your comment made me realise that this could be one of the deepest longings of the human heart. For me, after i became a Christian & have a personal relationship with a God who loves me, this longing is being satisfied and i have grown a lot. To the point that i am OK with not being heard sometimes, and if misunderstandings occur or if the other person doesn't reciprocate, i'm still secure. Hope this is helpful.
Side note but one thing to keep in mind is that love is not a feeling, but an action. And some of those actions are not always pleasant, but that's part of what it means to love. It's less about receiving, more about what you give. A lot of people focus on receiving, or having needs met, but they forget that it's their job to take action as well. Also, although communication is important, values have to align.
Love is a feeling that produces actions, feeding off each other, love is a 2 way street, it is about receiving and giving. They call it abusive relationships when one person gives and get nothing in return from the other.
This is absolutely true. My wife of 13 years is always willing to hear me out and we give each other grace when we go through difficult shit. We have weathered tough storms and proven that not only CAN we endure hardship, but we are better together and want to be together in spite of our foibles. When you find someone who "gets" you and is committed to you, only a fool would throw that away. I used to be a fool, but not anymore
This video spoke to me directly! It was sooo spot on bc it’s the EXACT reason why I ended an engagement. Not feeling heard. If a person who says that they love you can’t even listen/tolerate views that are different than their own, then I say remain single.
Hi Joy I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
Totally agreed. I'm about to get marry in couple of months. Having this, I felt truly blessed that I'm with the right person who is trying his best, give all ears and hearts to me and to our bond. And I'll do my best to keep it that way 🍀
Hi Tuba I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
If you dont have 5 things ~ love, honesty, trust, communication and respect, the relationship will fail. It only takes the loss of one for the others to fall. It wont happen instantly of course, but over time, you will see what failed you.
If they need to be front and center all of the time, then they're more towards the narristic spectrum, which is a relationship you don't want to be in. It will never be about you and your feelings. It will ALWAYS be about them and how they can get their next "fix" of attention from you. Take care of yourself, and be careful! Be mindful. 💚
if being with someone makes you angry, let them free so they can be with someone who understands them... and you can be with someone who understands you 🤠
I beg to differ, based on my recent long term relationship experience,. There is no point on saying that you are trying to understand if you are not acting on it. Relationships are a trade. You invest yourself in someone; your emotions, hopes and dreams they get bound with that person in a long term relationship. You should be valued yes, but also you should be seen. As Erich Fromm says in the book of love "We cannot measure a person's love to their flower by how often they water them. But they will surely water them if they love them.". There is no such thing as ignoring the need of the other person by doing the opposite yet saying "I understand you." at the same time. If words are not backed with action they don't mean nothing. She was always saying that she is trying to understand and to act on it but was doing the same thing again and again. And she was getting judgement when I said you broke my heart by doing this. Being in caple of caring for your partner's needs is the end of a relationship. Those needs will always be there. They don't just disappear by a simple phrase like "I understand you." Long story short, if things are not working this means things are not working. You can try to explain and can give some time for them to digest and act. But if you are not moving closer, just end it, as I did. I feel so relieved. The burden of a faulty relationship can be beyond imagination. People end it because it feels painful and disvaluing. Stay positive and be respectful to yourself and your needs. Best to know when to cease effort and end it. And please don't let any amount of overly romantised, sugar coated nonsense videos like this to determine your mindset.
i don't think "communication" in this video means just talking and listening. i believe that "communication" goes beyond words. "being heard" doesn't simply mean "being heard" by the ears. it means to genuinely, with your whole body, not just the ears, to "listen". that is why we can tell when someone truly listens to us, and when they don't. we are more than just words, and we know it. and to be able to watch this video from that awareness is super important. good job, school of life!
Why should a relationship be judged by how long it lasts, anyway? Enjoy it while it's good, let it go when it's not, but always keep your awareness in the present moment and be honest with yourself about what you feel. The only time a relationship can truly be deemed a failure is if you stay in it when it's no longer working for you.
Yeah, except no relationship is ever going to work 'for you' constantly. There are always going to be hard times, same as very good times, or just mellow times. And it's in the hard times that your commitment, your patience and your principles and willingness to make it work are tested. Relationships don't work 'for you'. You work for the relationship.
Unconditional love is the ideal form of love you want to have but maintaining it is realistically hard. Learning when to give and when to take is something working for me.
What I find interesting about reading a lot of the opinions in the comments section over this video is that I eventually started getting this feeling in my gut that sometimes, we tend to lose ourselves in the content creators we enjoy where we take the contents of said video as gospel truth but in turn sacrifice our own doubts / personal experiences, shoving it to the back of the bus as though having a nuanced take on issues feels guilty. Now, I may not have any grounds in that assumption, but at least, that's the honest impression I'm getting.
So well said. I truly believe that because we are all uniquely different in our personalities and life experiences, the best advice we can take is from ourselves and our gut feelings. No matter how complex an issue may seem, it is up to us to look inwards and validate our feelings in order to find the most sound path to take. There is no “right” or “wrong” in life, simply different pathways we can take.
At 33(almost 34), I’d been in 3 LTR but one was 4 years and was head over heels for this person. Learn, grow, and seek what you deserve and hopefully things will fall into place like it did for myself.
This video came to me at the right moment, where I'm having a challenging situation with my girlfriend. Where we need each other at every moment, and defy us to overcome challenges, and more importantly, focus in the problem, rather than the person. Not every relationship is always a colorful story. There are ups and downs, where each stage need each other. Subscribed to this channel, because after a panic attack I had, I decided to attack my frustration, and read and inform myself. Thank you for this amazing content
Rather learn to be happy with myself, friends & life itself than to put myself thru the heartache again, yeah it's great having someone in such a way but that comes with a depressing cost if it doesn't work out.. But this is just me & only me ofc. Hope whoever's reading this finds what they're looking for ✨ x
This is true. I was in a relationship for 9years. It ended because I was never heard. All of my worries, requests, what made me happy or unhappy. All of it was unheard from my partner. Everytime i tried to speak he came defensive or pointed his needs and wants. I tried to be there for so long and not being heard or seen. Nothing mattered if it wasnt alliens with my partners view. It truly is better to be single than unseen in a relationship. I saw myself and learnd alot about myself after it all.
This is the reason why my relationship ended many years ago but is also reassuring to read now as I begin a new relationship. I will keep listening, being present, and know that I am enough (this cuts out a lot of worry) even if something changes between us.
I did my Masters thesis on the thematic analysis of relational breakup in Black Canadians. And found that a reduction of emotional connection led to relationship breakups. If there is chronic unhappiness, if there is a lack of intimacy, if there is one partner who thinks the other had an affair and if both partners decided to stop fighting for the relationship.
This is very true! Me and my partner fell in love well before we knew the differences of political and other opinions that we had. Many are very different, and our biggest fight was because I felt like my view wasn't being taken seriously or acknowledged. And he also felt hurt that I felt he wasn't listening. We were able to work things out, and are very happy🥰Different views and opinions can be the reason for leaving someone, but it's rarely the actual reason someone leaves. Not being heard is. Guess my point is that it CAN WORK! It just takes work to make it work
I agree. Just had a breakup with my 6 years partner. We had a healthy relationship, a very healthy one confirmed by our therapist. Only turned out he had been hiding one big and fundamental expectation towards me, and in which causing me to explode and getting insecure… We talked about it and I can understand how important the expectation for him, and he can also understand how I am unable to keep up with the expectation. We broke up while still loving each others. We broke up because we know at this moment, we cannot go through it together.
As long as both still want each other and are willing to work it out together there will be no breakup..but sadly, usually, only one person is willing to fight till the end while the other one gives up..i hope my partner will always want me no matter how bad it gets in the future ,cuz for me, she's the one that i want..
Thank you! I've been trying to describe this to someone, I told them that I don't feel seen around them and ironically they made me feel like I wasn't making any sense but this describes what I wasn't able to. you never fail to comfort me, and make me feel understood, funny no one I know does.
U made me cry, thank you TSOL. You always talk to me and not to an audience, that's so touching. Really. Thanks. Your videos are like private conversations.
I believe that individuals who have a high degree of narcissistic personality traits are going to have a really rough time with the concepts presented in this video. As for me, personally, I wanted to say thank you to School of Life. I've had a lot of fears lately, and by focusing on them I've been unable to hear my wife and demonstrate that I'm listening. This has helped me untangle my priorities. My fear, or my wife - which is more important to hang onto? Seems a simple answer after watching this.
Yeah I second that. I practiced a lot of patience, understanding, and open clear communication and it still got me nowhere because my SO was a narcissist.
@@AfternoonWolfSpice I obviously can't speak to your personal circumstances and whether or not your SO was, clinically, a narcissist, but honestly I think the term 'narcissist' has become incredibly overused and lost it's sense of meaning. A lot of the time, the reason why we view our significant others as 'narcissists' in retrospect is to do with the same ideas explored in this video - often times, when people are in pain and not feeling heard, they will of course become more aggressive and self-serving, which can be mistaken for pervasive, clinical narcissism at first glance. Realistically, though, the amount of people referred to as 'narcissists' would be dramatically lower if we collectively learned how to communicate better with one another, and had the patience to develop the emotional imagination to understand another's suffering. We are all, in ways, narcissistic, especially in particular circumstances; yes, there's a clinical diagnosis that can be made, but the majority of us sit somewhere in the subclinical region, suggesting that it's just an innate aspect of our humanity that fluctuates circumstantially. Additionally, what even is narcissism, if not a protective mechanism for coping with emotional pain? NPD is widely recognised as being the result of significant childhood trauma which has fragmented a person's sense of self and self-esteem. Right now, it's considered 'incurable', but I don't really believe that, I think we just need to develop more fine-tuned methods of communication so that we're better able to get through to those whose tendencies lean towards fragile grandiosity and disproportionate self-centredness. At the core, everybody just wants to feel safe and loved - if we are able to communicate this more effectively, the need for superficial narcissistic defence mechanisms is made obsolete and the 'soul' or 'true self' below is revealed. That's not to say that any individual is obliged to keep trying with somebody who isn't open to our current communication methods, or that it's their fault at all that there's been a communicative breakdown; rather, it is the optimistic goal for society in general, if we're to reduce suffering.
@@Jay-fk6mk My SO is amazing. I'M the one who is admitting to being selfish and wallowing in my own fears - thus reducing my ability to truly listen. A narcissist would pretend to listen, do the bare minimum and get upset/defensive when the SO complains at not being heard - thereafter gaslighting them into questioning their own reality. They play lip service and make empathetic sounds, but don't follow through with the action necessary to show that they've been listening. As you say, we all live on the spectrum. We all have narcissistic traits, especially when we give into fear and anxiety. Narcissism and selfishness are critical to surviving in times of scarcity, and wouldn't have evolved if they weren't useful. However, the purposefully manufactured stresses of today's society trigger narcissistic behaviors and emotions in times when they aren't necessary. It's up to us as thinking beings to self reflect and realize when we're overstressing over nonsense or some manufactured emergency in the news that's designed to cause fear and anger in order to generate profit. We need to realize when we're being cruel and idiotic. Even if we're screaming at someone else, our SO is there enduring that rage - soaking up that fear and hatred in an attempt to sooth us. Which is why I'm glad that videos like this exist, so I can stop behaving that way.
I agree wholeheartedly with this message. I am going through a divorce right now. My wife became avoidant and distant after my level of frustration were built over time. My constant longing for intimacy and deeper connections was just too much for her to take.
You are anxiously attached, perhaps. Maybe read a bit more on the attachment styles and see where the differences came in, then next time after you heal, you will move towards a secure partner. I really wish you well
@@user-ws8qb9wq5n And what if his wife is avoidant attached type. Before you jump into conclusion on him just be kind and may be before suggesting him something you need to go back and read again too.
And love makes you do all these things.....! I'm experiencing it.... I didn't learn about these things..... But only because I do love this guy.....these things are coming naturally to me! Love isn't a sign of weakness, but an intelligent way to exist!
This is weird. Just this morning my wife and I had one of our biggest argument with opposite stance that seems unsolvable. And now this youtube suggestion video hit the nail on the head. Thank you!
This is the most real relationship video I have heard and I'm in my 40s. Everyone should listen to this with a potential partner and see if the other agrees and follows through with action. This is a deal breaker video.
Very thoughtful video- I love the message. However, when I think about it alittle harder- I'm not sure if I agree. I think most partners do understand the underlying differences at hand- but the differences are too great to just say "I acknowledge you...I understand you- I'll give it more thought." Its not that the understanding isn't there, its that the compromise is not one they're willing to make. I think most long-term partners split not because they don't understand eachother- but because they do understand and they don't want to deal with the implications.
My experience indicates that if someone's behaviour is stressing or harming you, and they listen to you explain this but make no radical change to that behaviour, then the important work has not been done. "Feeling heard" is not enough - actions speak louder.
thats the best way to go about it! speaking from experience, this video absolutely perfectly explained what was wrong in my ldr and i can assure you, with that attitude and this understood, yours surely will last i really do wish you well :)
The more income and power a man has, while he fundamentally holds onto the beliefs of sacred marriage and loyalty to his wife, the more stable, healthy and happy the relationship will be.
True. I’m stuck in the exact situation but the wife is the one in control of the income and has all the power. And uses it abundantly for her advantage. And she’s got me. Checkmate. Sucks. I say that someday it might change and I’ll be the one with the monetary power.
I met someone 2 months ago and I falled in love beautifully. I feel is mutual, even though we didn't use this exact words. He is so great that I just can't believe I was so lucky. He is great at communication, he always knows what to say. He talk to me when he doesn't like something I did, but he is always extremely warm. He listen to me. He encourages me to comunicate. I know it's been just two months, but I never felt that way before, and I am 31. I just want to learn how to have a healthy relationship. I know we are in the honey moon phase and that I'll see things differently in sometime. Still, I want this relationship to grow and become stronger. He is leaving the country soon and he'll be our for a year and I know it will be difficult. But I trust.
As someone who’s been in a relationship with someone for 11 years and 2 years ago told me they are no longer interested in s-e- x, basically decided to be a-s*xual, I think this video sorely undermines how important s-e -x is to a person. It’s very important. It’s probably one of the most important things outside of companionship and care when one is ill with disease or terminal. It’s a really awful place to be in to find yourself without s-e- x ual companionship suddenly. It caused me to re-evaluate our relationship and plan to part ways. It’s something I need as a human being to be happy and stable in a relationship. It is a MAJOR factor and I don’t care if people say it’s a small thing, it’s not.
BOTTOMLINE You and your partner NEED to have the same beliefs/faith/views especially around main core things. Whenever this is ignored for other forms of attraction we tend to create cracks in our emotional frame which only grow larger over time. There are plenty of studies on these topics.
This is such a good video about maintaining a healthy relationship and having open communication. Thank you so much School of Life for creating this and explaining this in such a succinct way! In most cases, finding a compromise is possible, but sometimes, the values, wants, or needs are not able to be met by each other and feeling safe with your partner to express those things allows for a discussion on what to do next, as opposed to starting on a path of pain, hate, resentment, and regret. Many below missed the point and don't understand what it really means to feel heard.
I think even if my partner heard me that I wanted more time with him or affection or for him to control his temper it wouldn't have changed how unhappy I was if he didn't adjust his behaviours.
This is the best ever description I have heard of why relationships breakdown - my family, friends, colleagues and why I get sooo angry when I feel I am not heard.... so many people don't listen, I am guilty too
hahah yeah i just got out of my relationship in which i quite literally gave everything and the reason for the downfall was exactly the content of this video i hope yours gets better :)
This. My marriage suffered from lack of affection and intimacy at an early stage. When I tried to talk about my concerns with my wife she ignored me or avoided the topic. She didn't listen to me. In the end I stopped listening to her as my needs were ignored. Now we are divorcing.
Consent and communication is all that matters. A breakup or divorce isn't as terrifying if communicated and agreed upon mutually. Humans were not biologically made to be in a partnership for 80 years. The tribe and local community took care of children and people had multiple partners. People also only lived to 30 years old. So don't compare your life to the Hollywood ideal of a super long marriage like it's some milestone to meet. There are many types of partnerships, not just marriage, 2 kids and a family home. Think outside the box and find out what YOU really want, not what your cultural factors made you believe you want.
the problem is that pretty much every big historical civilisation follows the monogamy rule with polygamy reserved for the elite. all these alternative relationships don't occur anywhere else save for maybe small tribes here and there. monogamy isn't perfect, but it's still our best bet.
This is with the assumption that both people in the relationship are on the same page and listen to each other. If one listens and the other doesn't, then it is unlikely that the relationship will last. So while you may be of the listening and understanding mindset, if your partner doesn't, what would be the strategy to get them to listen? And like the video is saying, not to change them, but to be listened to and heard.
The person doing the dumping can sometimes be the the one who isn’t even that unsatisfied, but has drained their partner dry because as a couple there were not enough boundaries. I feel like my needs were not being met, yet I kept trying to give until it destroyed my life. Instead of helping me up, the other person decided I was a loser and left. So I guess they actually did help by removing themselves
My uncle is 91 and aunt is 88 this year. They have been fighting viciously for over 65 years of marriage. One is a narcissist and the other is headstrong. They are waiting to see the other did first. This long marriage is the worst kind of marriage between two not nice ppl.
From my understanding and my experience. Choose carefully, someone who sees the world with similar eyes, has the same moral values and wants you the same as you want them. Then when struggles occur logically realize that the grass is never green on the other side. Maybe your new lover would be better at some things but they would lack the good sides of your partner. The most important thing is mutual respect and you have to genuinly care about the person.
Simply put, communication is everything. Without talking things out, whether it be ideal or not, it’s imperative to any relationship, especially the romantic kind, to have dialogue. Plus it’s phonetically pleasing to hear the voice of someone you care about or love when you’re not being heard by the rest of the world. Keep it sexy, ya’ll :)
My first relationship was with my best friend. She's my first love, we met in grade 6, and it's been about 8 years. It's always hard work to preserve such a long relationship, but it's so worth it for the right person.
To me, how long a relationship last depends on the healing process of each part. Each individual is healing (or not) their own past traumas/experiences and sometimes no matter how good you are at communication you just go different directions. You choose to be with a person because you have to learn something from that person, and if one day you happen to feel there is nothing left to learn ... You must let go. My partner and I are almost 5 years together, and we both understand each one quite good, I want to have one kid with him and a house etc, but I accept whatever happens in the future must be for a reason and there is no pain in that. Only gratefulness. When we say "I'll love you forever" I think it's true. If you really loved that person you'll carry it in your heart with good memories and a smile in your face 💗
Saying “I understand” and actually realizing what that means are also 2 very different things. I don’t feel that simply saying it is enough. When a person feels ignored in a relationship, the other person needs to both recognize the problem, and put in the work to make their partner feel important. Putting in the work to get to the root of why they feel this way is also an important step forward to bringing the couple back on the same page. People have a tendency to fall back on old habits, so this will take constant effort
Sometimes they understand but they can't do anything about it because they don't have the ability. If you say "I want to be heard/understood on X," and partner says "OK...I hear you and I understand" but they can't modify their behavior to meet the other's needs ...then you're back to square 1. People can't be more than they are wired to be. This kind of ridiculous advice implies that we can ask people to be what they cannot be. A great match is essential for communication. Otherwise, communication between poor matches is simply useless lip service.
@@roses6564 Understanding that some people are wired differently, it sounds like you're just giving the person an excuse not to try. Relationships take constant work. Some may seem effortless, but they seldom are. I'm not talking about making a person change their entire behavior and habits, I'm simply saying that you need to keep a running dialog between both people. For example, cleaning dirty dishes. Barring a few exceptions, no one lacks the ability to clean up after themself. and when 1 person in the relationship is always doing the cleaning, resulting in frustration, that's most certainly something that should be discussed.
@@timepassesbye This is ridiculous You are talking about small, trivial things, I am talking about the big, deeper things. The foundation. The foundation. No two sane people well matched would ever fall apart over who washes the dishes. This is sheer ego and stupidity. If you are trying to reach out about such things and the partner won't hear you, despite repeated attempts, then you go back to mismatches. You may be in an R with an egotistic idiot, someone out of your league, or someone who simply doesn't share your values. They may have wanted someone willing to take on the domestic tasks so they can focus on employment. These things must be clarified - but if there is a mismatch of internal ability (mental), it won't happen. It's not that they can't wash the dishes. It's that they can't hear you that you have that need to see the dishes washed. They might leave them unwashed for days if they were single Otherwise yes, two people of decent caliber and similar ability can discuss mundane issues such as who's doing what and work it out. These are small things. The big things where the two have fundamentally different needs (mental/intellectual/spiritual, personality (such as order vs chaos, etc) and they simply cannot tun themselves into someone else to the partner's satisfaction.
The biggest offense I have been on the receiving end of in the dating world is for the partner or potential partner to see and hear who I am and immediately conclude: A) This is my canvas on which to shape into my own view of who they should be, or B) This is the starting point. Now I have to "Fix" them. What's even worse is that these individuals often insist they be accepted as they are, yet wish to completely alter who I am for their benefit without consideration for what I want or need.
I completely agree, but the only other thing i think is crucial in a long term relationship is whether the partner actively makes a contribution towards solving an issue - just saying ‘i understand’ isn’t always enough to reassure you that your being heard. They both need to want to make things right to move past it.
Wholeheartedly agree with this. Just because you have a partner that says "I understand" still implies a form of a passive exchange - a conversation with a wall almost. There almost is a need for friction, or a livelier tussle that ensures the other party truly resonates.
Depends on the context on how serious that issue is, but for a lot of people we just assume (rightfully or not) that when their SO says they understand, that they do. I can't imagine second guessing my SO in this context ngl, but every relationship is different.
@Turkey God I don't think she meant they're not being genuine when saying "I understand". I think she meant that a more active contribution is needed and/ or goes further; meaning, they actively do their part to try and resolve the conflict because for only saying "I understand" can be a lazy way out of for some - with them thinking they did their part by simply understanding, and that's all they have to do. This seems to happen more often in A/B Type dynamics, whether it's just As' perception, or legitimate mental laziness.
I understand where you’re coming from
"I see you, I hear you and I'm not gonna do anything else."
...thanks...?
My tips after being together for 9 years about to be married:
1. Talk about the hard stuff (money, kids, responsibilities with the house etc.)
2. Be sure you're on the same page when it come to each others families (like respect and boundaries)
3. Play Question games like Lovify, to build understanding and keep things exciting.
4. Always date each other, go out together, plan new adventures
5. It's good to have a life outside of each other
6. Actions speak louder than words
It’s a ton of work and very much only for people who posses a mature heart. Thanks for sharing ❤
Bravo! Yeah they missed these important points..
Is this an advertisement? Lmao.
Hye do u guys ever break up? Or having conflict which cause u guy no contact?
@@diane11m93 I think if you have breakups like that, you probably should just move on. I know it's hard, but getting back together over and over doesn't usually seem to work.
For me I was assuming my views and wants were obvious, and I tended to assume my partner generally wanted the same kind of things,just because it made so much sense to want those things. I've learned I needed to communicate everything, and not only listen to my partner but actually put effort into understanding and giving empathy even if their needs are different from mine. Now I'm single, but next time I'll do better.
That's interesting. I think that stems from childhood. My assumption is that you had good parents that understood your needs and wants and you got used to that. There's nothing wrong with that! That's a healthy child/parental relationship. A romantic relationship is just a different kind of relationship between two people. A more give and take, rather than an unconditional love of a child.
I tell my daughters all of the time..."No one can read your mind. Use your words." 💜
@@Leo-mr1qz You are exactly correct, I had parents that showed me unconditional love, so now it's easy for me to assume my needs will always be met or at the very least be understood. I've had to learn that in a relationship my partner can't read my mind like my parents seemed to always be able to do.
@@Leo-mr1qz It is pretty interesting though that normally we pick a partner that is like the parent that was lacking what we needed because it is comfortable or rather something in us wants to fix what is wrong in the flawed parent through the partner we chose thus healing ourselves. The type of love between a parent and a child and 2 lovers is a lot more similar than we think.
@@trooper744 Good points. My father was a workaholic and so is my husband. I can see where that can be true.
@@Leo-mr1qz It really helps us to do the introspective work though right! Thanks for sharing and replying back! I hope you have a long and loving marriage!
I'm a psychology student and my Professor in Zürich (Bodenmann) has done a lot research about breakups, and the most concerning breakup type to me (which is on the rise right now) are breakups in stable relationships with high satisfaction rates, but where the partners simply think somewhere out there could be a partner, the perfect one whos maybe a little bit more like I want them to be. Thats really beyond me, and makes me question our western civilisation. (BTW this is also the most harmful breakup type for children (!) because they learn even when everything seems good and stable it all can fall apart)
Correct
That is interesting. Could you provide any scholarly references that focus on breakups? I wonder how the researchers define “satisfaction” in relationships. I also wonder what factors contribute to cause these partners to risk losing who they currently have for someone that matches their vision of a “perfect” partner.
Really interesting, thanks for the comment! I believe this happens to be a consequence of consumerism in our lives...
what are the other types of breakups please? :)
This is part of the reason why I dislike dating apps so much, I feel like it perpetuates this need to always be looking for the next best thing.
Couldn't agree more, to truly listen to a partner is something you learn. I feel communication is the path to true love. Also try not let the past dictate your future. Just my opinion.
I completely agree - communication is everything.
True love has nothing to do with "romantic" couples.
Second part is so true.
Thank you!! For your opinion
@@zezuntxiduntxi would you be able to explain the difference
So true, I can relate to all this. I've been with my husband 17 years and we had a rocky moment about 4-5 years ago. We worked on our communications and active listening skills and it has helped so much. Our relationship now is better than it ever was. We have a new intimacy that feels amazing. We can be vulnerable with each other in our safe space because we know that we're heard.
Hello
I am so pleased to hear this - very heartening. I teach communication to couples & also create safety for them to practice with my support. It's wonderful to see the difference it makes. Active Listening is a skill & a practice! Thanks for sharing 😊
mkeey
Gives me faith
@@theinternstake4671 How are you
It’s taken me so long to know about relationships what I have always known about friendships, that all we really want is to be seen, to be understood.
I Just wanna say America sucks while China is leading the world
@@hermeslein6614 what the fuck are you saying
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
@@sammillsy I love this.
Same wtf... So messed up it's taken so long 😪
To the *worthwhile person* seeing this, Love is the greatest. Don’t allow the past and current pains and hurts stop and define you. You’re more than a conqueror. Rise up and put yourself together. Keep pushing your future depends on it. I wish you all the best in life ❤️.
Hope you are right. Seems impossible at the current moment
Tina Turner said:
What's Love got to do with it🤭😂
Another bot pep talk, right on cue.
I needed that! Thanks!
Thanks for your kind words also wish u the same
Sorry but saying "I understand" without taking action to extend beyond a phrase, it means nothing. It's frustrating; in fact it could be worse than not understanding; if someone understands truly and refuses to take action, they are not worth fighting for.
"I am hungry!"
"I understand. There. Feel better now?"
@@lacigoldude lol exactly. it's How To Get Dumped 101
Words combined with action.
Communication and integrity.
That’s the fundamentals of unconditional love.
A couple of key things need to happen in a good relationship...
1. Mutual Respect for each others needs, dreams, aspirations and goals.
2. Mutually putting each others needs FIRST. This then creates an equilibrium.
3. Unconditional love. That means unconditional! You can disagree but your love and affection remain unconditional.
4. Acknowledge and praise when your partner does something for you, no matter how trivial. Always show that you have noticed and appreciate their efforts on your behalf.
5. Enjoy your time together!
Excellent!
I totally agree!
„2. Mutually putting each others needs FIRST“
before your own needs?
Relationships aren't unconditional and they shouldn't be - a degree of satisfaction needs to be the condition bc otherwise you stay in an unhappy relationship wasting your life. Adults are not babies. They can and should make choices and can and should be held accountable when they fuck up. And that can include severing the relationship if it's detrimental to well-being or just very far removed from what you want in life
These points are naivé and completely ignore evolution and natural human psychology.
'There is a big difference between a partner not doing what we want and a partner not hearing what we want '
So well put!
Some of these videos are so incredibly spot on. My ex was someone I deeply loved who truly had a variety of exceptionally wonderful qualities about her... but she could never listen to feedback at all and would throw tantrums and misbehave if I ever tried to talk about any problem in the relationship no matter how small, and there was never any progress whatsoever. Problems and resentment accumulated because she simply refused to ever reflect or address anything no matter how hard I tried. She could not ever accept fault or even that there were things she could improve on. There was either no problem at all or everything was my fault. Sustaining a relationship with someone like that is impossible, even if they have a lot of other truly positive qualities.
I think that a sign of maturity is being able to disagree with videos from this channel. Hearing someone out isn't enough; it's also important to make an effort to understand the other. But there are relationships where people grow in different directions that no amount of effort can lead to a good compromise because people change.
ETA: It's so weird how there are people taking this opinion to heart, but I stand by it. Sometimes the more you try to understand somebody, the more you realize that you're completely different people. It happens. Doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. It just happens. You can respectfully disagree without being passive aggressive.
I think the idea put forth in the video was not just about asking people to "hear out" each other, but more importantly, to "acknowledge" their point of view with due and credible diligence. The "other" must know that their point of view was not just heard out, but also thought about in all earnesty.
Did you and I watch the same video? They literally say: "I understand, I'll try my hardest to keep this in mind etc".
@@eduardothomaz4261 Did you read the entire comment? I was talking about how there are instances where understanding and/or putting in the effort to get along may become difficult because people change and grow apart.
@@jusdani It is true that if people have _already_ changed and grown apart, then there would be almost no understanding, and there would simply be no scope for hearing out. But the idea in the video was that, inorder to arrest the growing apart phase in the first place (and possibly even reverse it before it is too late), it is effective to become empathetic by truthfully thinking about the other person's viewpoint and do something about it after such earnest reflections. The message was that, if you were to do that, chances are - you might actually not get to the point where one party has changed so much, as to irreversibly and permanently drift apart.
@@jusdani I did and it has no logic. People 'change' and 'grow apart' because they're too self-involved to appreciate the effort of sticking together. What you call 'changing and growing apart' is what I call narcissistic nonsense.
But I am entirely sure this will fly right over your head so my comment is moot.
This has absolutely been my experience. I recently went through a breakup and in the end it was absolutely about how our differences were handled, not WHAT the differences were. I felt unheard, unseen, and misunderstood day in and day out, and in the end that was the final straw.
I’ve just come out of a relationship that probably could’ve been resolved had I/we learned how to respond to insecurities. The relationship was going great until I got upset when she went to pull away when I tried to kiss her one day. I didn’t tell her how it made me feel, I reacted by ignoring her txts, making my replies short and unenthusiastic and so on.
This was disrespectful but I just didn’t want to tell her the truth, out of fear that I would be perceived as “weak” Then I got the silent treatment which made it even worse. I messaged out of anger and wanted to end the relationship.
Things went on a downward spiral simply because we couldn’t talk about it. The fear of being undesired for expressing our feelings can be a barrier. Communicating in a calm and non aggressive mature way was probably the way to go.
What benefitted me, was the break up revealed an insecurity in myself that I never addressed, I simply had low self esteem and was seeking validation through others. This made me act “needy” and somewhat made me react childish which is a red flag.
I came to the conclusion that I need to work on myself, change the view of my self worth. Hit the gym, learn new skills, better quality social interactions. Eat, sleep better ect.
Edit: If you read this whole message thanks😂
This was a very inspiring video. I recently broke up from a long term relationship and often found myself asking why this happened. This video definitely resonated with me. I used to think that it was his lack of compromise and how his actions didn’t deliver his words that drifted us apart. Watching this video invited me to shift perspective. The lack of action definitely played a part in the meltdown, however the feeling of being unheard was probably indeed the biggest issue. There was definitely a lot of blocking and resistance whenever I tried to express how something bothered me. I did not feel understood or heard for the majority of the arguments we had. I was cut off mid sentence, blamed when I tried to articulate something, or was met with a lot of defensiveness. Perhaps as a result of not feeling heard, the lack of change following an agreed upon compromise is seen as a greater insult to the relationship. If for every conflict we had, he let me talk, verbalized how he understood what mattered to me, and the reasoning behind why I was feeling upset, that alone might have been a game changer. It would have mitigated so much frustration and resentment. It would have deescalated the heat quickly. Feeling understood, I would have been more patient and accepting of the differences. Feeling understood would have encouraged me to empathize and to try to better understand him.
Women always wants the man to change and to fix the situation. Truth is, most women are terribly selfish, and lacking a fundamental self awareness.
I could have written these exact words. Thank you for sharing. I needed to know I wasn't alone in this situation and to understand it was right to break up. I stayed much too long.
Now do u feel that u r responsible for continuously nagging or trying to bring issues to get solutions n it made him suffocated.. I didn't understand it please elaborate
@@hsdiem0 It felt like I was the problem for expressing myself when something didn’t work for me. And now that I’m in a healthy relationship, I can see how detrimental that was. I was simply not the problem.
When contempt is present in a relationship- it’s doomed.
Yup
No. I disagree so much of what this video is saying. The reason many couples break up is NOT that one or both don't feel heard. While good communication is necessary for a successful relationship, it isn't sufficient. If a couples core values are incompatible the relationship is doomed. Feeling heard isn't enough when your partner behaves in such a way that goes against your core values. This is why it may matter how a person votes, or how they treat your friends, or their attitudes towards money, or children, or how much intimacy is shared in the relationship. Empathy and communication will not solve these thorny issues if core values are incompatible. This is why it is SO important to know what your core values are, and honestly share them during the early stages of a relationship. Otherwise it is like trying to climb Mt. Everest with only a heavy coat and crampons. You need a map and a lot more equipment than that!
This is interesting and I think you’re right. The idea of being understood is great but if you have made big commitments while not having communicated different values, they are going to continuously cause problems because we all act on our moral compass. you’ll keep fucking up in your SOs mind and you’ll always think that what you did followed your true identity. It would lead members of the relationship to potentially hide when things upset them if they are trying so hard to understand someone else’s values that they simply do not agree with. It’s difficult because other videos from school of life present hiding ones sensitivity to ways we feel our SO has messed up as “mind games”, it’s like their videos kind of cross over and in real life would cancel each other out as soon as the context isn’t something black and white and values that induce certain behaviours become subjectively right or wrong instead of just the result of misunderstanding. I guess what they say about compassion is important when lots of people pin relationships failing on “toxicity” as opposed to miscommunication, but infactuation can defintely lead us astray from viewing our SOs values which may be different from ours to the point that we simply cannot understand them, accepting those differences doesn’t stop them influencing situations, it would build resentment. This video kind of makes it seem like anyone could have a long term relationship with anyone as long as they have maximum empathy, which I don’t think is possible.
Totally agree! Communicate is futile without COMPREHENSION
Feels like Alain de Botton is running out of insightful ideas.
I met some, and experienced in a relationship with, that don't even believe their own 'core values' because their actions didn't match what they were. Whatever their moral compass, their beliefs are.
You are right that people can have empathy, love, be caring, understanding, good communication, and listening to their partner, but there's a reason why some of this is NOT enough either. It can strengthen a relationship to have some major core beliefs that the two have in common and truly act upon what those are. Doing their best to sustain them regardless how each person changes in life overtime.
And as time goes on either they grow together or move apart since everyone changes in life. Sometimes those core beliefs expand or disappear which tests greatly how the relationship can sustain or does it break them. If it is broken then is it repairable? Are they willing to improve themselves and reevaluate what they believe or is it too far gone? That is up between the two people in the relationship, regardless what that may be.
i think youre very much right but
understanding is more like getting yourself to the Mt. Everest with a heavy coat and crampons in the first place
and ofcourse you need a map and the other equipment too but what use is that when if you are not standing infront of the Everest
besides, if your core values are not at all compatible then, what are you even fighting for
I think since movies, social media has been more wide spread many treat relationships like a perfect romantic comedy. The love, the passion, the wanting last half a year to a year. Rest of the relationship is about friendship, partnership, companionship, communication, and trust. Many left a very good relationship due to yearning for that sparks and passion of a new relationship, which only happens in a NEW relationship. People who always comment how other's are happier, how others are enjoying their vacation when they see friends' social media forget that they have a good partner and just came back from their own vacation 2 months ago (grass being greener on the other side) are usually the sign on the person is not fit, or ready for a long term relationship.
Grass is always greener on the other side but you only get to mow one lawn
No matter if your single or married each have a good and not so good side..
I think people tend to get married too young. So much growth happens in your 20’s
Trueee. Movies and socmed have been idealizing romantic relationship too much it affects the standard of others.
@@kateskeys If you want children you should have them before 35 after that the eggs are not as good. To grow a family takes time and should be done early before 30's the 2 need to make something together that is theirs.
@@kateskeys I agree with you
It isn't enough to be heard, if they truly are needs and the other person truly cares about you then they should also try to meet them to the best of their ability. This should also be a two way street. But hearing and acknowledging but refusing to act is not a sustainable way to retain a relationship. If just being heard is enough it wasn't a true need.
I agree with you. Saying ‘I hear you and understand how important it is for you’ is completely meaningless if the important issue needs some kind of change or action.
@@misscogito9865 agreed.
Agree!
Spot on!
Great insight. Im finding this to be true after 10 years of marriage. I need to find a way to communicate better.
I cried a lot after watching this, because I realized that my ex preferred his best friend over me. Through the years, it’s been happening like that and maybe I should’ve been more upfront from the start that it was a red flag yet I didn’t say anything thinking that I trust them. But that bond had grew more stable than ours. He couldn’t take it out. The comparisons to her were always there. I feel like it will haunt me for years.
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. It’s hard when we talk ourselves out of a truth because we want to trust, show that we are not jealous or that we are secure. I once read the grass is greenest where we water it. Red flags are sometimes powerful signals that a bond is in need of nurturing - being attuned to this is a strength which many are tempted to pathologise.
I'm in this situation at the moment. All of his female friends whom he claims are like his "sisters" to him. They go off on long walks together and to concerts all the time. I'm not included. So many red flags with him saying "you're jealous, you don't have any friends,.." etc. There is some sort of emotional bond there. How can this sort of situation be resolved? I'm so tempted to walk away from this. I've put up with it for far too long.
Been through it for 5 years and now the guy is in a different country with a different girl, but the best friend is still there.
@@jbidwell605so I hope you've moved up friend. You deserve better better know it!!
This is why I have a problem with girlbesties of guys😂. I am scared of this happening too.
My husband wanted me to be a housewife, entertain his friends, run around with kids, keep the home tidy but he was always absent. I tried to give him what he wanted but it got too lonely and humiliating to constantly explain to neighbors and friends that he is “away working”. So I am no longer going to try to meet his expectations, I want to work and be independent. When someone gives you what you want, at least be present.
Have you left him?
Why did you accept that deal? Well, now you know. It's time to talk about it and upgrade your roles
You are why I avoid western women. Breaking our ass working isn’t enough we have to entertain you “career aspirations”
I'm sure you'll never regret it. If someone else can't love, do it yourself.
DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY
Enjoyed this take until the very conclusive point. Someone who "says" that they are going to think hard about something and see of they can do anything about it, regardless of whether they can do something to change or not, is very different from someone who actually does think about it.
Being told your concerns will be thought about and then knowing that they haven't been is worse than having asked at all. Both result in the same sad outcome.
can you explain this. i cant seem to understand
@@tinktinka If it is a pattern of SAYING they will consider it but nothing helpful comes of it, then it's just a lollypop. Sounds sweet, but it just shuts you up and it's not nutritional for the marriage. Words are nice, but not without action/results. There is a saying I heard in my freshman composition class: show, don't tell.
@@jewelweed6880 :) thank you
This. The words without the actions and efforts to back them up become very confusing. Lead me to second guess myself and feel unimportant/unworthy of effort.
100% agree
I was wondering what was the reason for ending my previous longterm relationship and you are completely right. I was aware of all of our differences for years and tried to make it work, but it all crushed when the other didn’t want to hear my side and called me crazy. Thanks so much for this revelation!
Real love is altruistic. Selfish love runs out eventually. It's easy to confuse the two.
I've watched several of your videos, sorry to say this is the first one with which I respectfully disagree. There are persons who simply look elsewhere when they decide that their particular needs/desires are not being met. They make no attempt to communicate. Being 'heard' and 'understood' is not a problem for them, they simply turn their attention to someone else because they want to be heard without having to do the work of communicating. It takes courage, honesty, and a willingness to be vulnerable to have real communication. For them, it's easier to find someone else. The cycle repeats until they can no longer attract another - then they stay, for all the wrong reasons.
🙌🏽
I agree with this. I have seen it.
Agreed. There's inestimable value in having good communication, but some people simply chase feelings and are very good at hiding that fact. They love the honeymoon phase, which many aspects of can last years, and then they're ready to move on no matter what their partner does or says to try and accommodate them.
The biggest issue is that "for better or for worse" means nothing to far too many in modern times, and it's not always easy to know who sees the world that way going in.
This is explicitly true, I have ruined a relationship before bc I couldn’t be honest with my curiosities after said virginity was gone and I knew she was hella insecure. Instead of manning up and being honest about what I wanted I sneaked around like an asshole and fucked it over for her. I know now I should have been honest and I have worked on that trait 💯 for them, future potential, and especially myself. Full accountability on anyone’s own side is key, if you are too defensive you can never be self critical when it is effective to do so.
Lol! The video says communication is a huge factor. You've typed in your own message that "some people make no attempt to communicate." If pple don't say why "their needs aren't being met, it's still a communication issue. If pple don't say why "their needs/desires aren't being met, it's still a communication issue. Pple who don't say what the problem or cause for change is are have a communication problem and are therefore UNCOMMUNICATIVE.
I don't understand what your issue with the video is.
It's like you don't want to admit the problem you're describing is a communication problem.
Miscommunication is miscommunication. I don't get what the difference is btwn your comment and the video.
I'm 42 and have never been fully heard in a relationship. I try my best to listen, hear, support, and understand. It seems I keep attracting people who like that quality about me, but do not have that quality within themselves to be able to give to their partner. I am now single and finally very truly happy. I am listening to and hearing myself for once in my life because no one else would.
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I have everything except being heard
To all of those who feel this video emphasizes only "hearing" but not action, it does indeed encourage us to listen, hear and adjust. Of course, implicit in adjusting to meet your partner's needs is to do so within your own boundaries and desires. Makes sense, right? It is a negotiation and balancing act. But acting to mindfully meet your partner's needs begins with hearing and understanding the other person's needs. And that is the major point, I believe, of the video. Of course, you then try to honor and give action to those needs within your own boundaries and needs. But relationships die when a partner feels their needs are not even heard and understood, much less met.
The video also suggests we reflect on how much of the smaller things we are willing to abide and let go of when it is clear our partner hears and honors our larger more important needs and tries to meet them within their own boundaries and desires. For example, maybe I can be patient with her annoying best friend since my partner obviously hears and honors my, to her, seemingly mad regular need for reassuring and affirming words.
It seems our relationships can be much more lasting and satisfying with understanding, kindness, authenticity and generosity towards each other and ourselves.
The success of a long-term relationship lies in the work of both partners.
And it depends only on both lovers whether the relationship will be long, healthy and happy.
The first one is that these goals should never become passive components in your relationship, and the second is that you need to incorporate active communication in your relationship in whatever you're busy doing.
#1. Learning Is Always Going To Be Part Of The Process
#2. Remain Two Individuals
#3. Work Together to Manage Finances
#4. Best Friends and Forever Lovers
It's some of the best advice I've ever received: Let go of the anxiety and see life as an adventure - the journey you were meant to walk with your partner.
I put off watching this one because I didn't think it was relevant, (relationships being a very low priority to me). But the core message is spot on. "It's better to be single than unseen."
Obviously it is important to take your partner seriously and to try to understand each other but in my opinion when there really are conflicts it just doesn't suffice to say this. Some form of change needs to happen then because without change you will just get to this point again and again. You don't fully have to do what your partner wants but some form of compromise needs to be done
She is absolutely correct. Know this, my beloved brethren: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. JAMES 1: verse 19 ESV.
You had me until the sex part. If one person doesn't want any sex at all and the other one does, well, it's just not going to work. I mean, one person can be 'heard' about not wanting it and the reasons why, but that still doesn't change the fact that the other person wants/needs the intimacy that sex brings. I know. Been there.
That's when you both need to either compromise on how the partner that wants sex can still get it through other means, or break it off. This is a common issue and there's not much of a guide on what to do in that circumstance which really sucks.
Agree! Different values!
I hear you and understand you. It is pretty shitty. I have learned through multiple marriages and relationships that sometimes at the end of the day finding a partner that is compatible is far more better mentally then trying to constantly compromise and put in harder work than is needed. I am now in a very healthy and awesome relationship where the sex is absolutely absurd and the connection is amazing.. very different from my previous incompatible relationships. Good luck Tea Time!
@@trooper744 how long has it been in that last relationship?
@@trooper744 I feel when I hear people say you have to compromise as wisdom to a successful marriage than it can mean they didn’t find a compatible partner so “compromise” is the next big thing.
This video makes me teary. Can we accept the fact that maybe there will be no one who would hear and see us except ourselves ? The acceptance of this possibility in an awakening sense affords more consolation to me as it takes a lot of courage to stand on our own feet facing the world and willing to hear others without expecting being heard.
THIS IS THE TRUTH! THE FREAKING TRUTH! GOD BLESS YOUR MATURITY.
That's not true, some rare ppl have the empathy needed to accept and understand you..The problem is they might not be wrapped in the pretty packaging you require to be able to be intimate with them. Or they might be of a different gender or a friend much older or younger than yourself. . Or they may not be attracted to you and it's unrequited, they may be male but not attracted to women.
The only person who loves and accepts you for who you really are may be your adult child or a family member..and to me that's a wonderful thing.
Your one true love might not be a romantic partner but if you find someone,no matter their circumstance, appearance etc and they are kind and understand you and love you for your true self , always keep them in your life. Modern media focuses so much about romances between a man and a woman that ppl now automatically think that's the only way that love can matter..it's not true. In fact penetr*tion often has very little to do real feelings or love, just sexx.
Reading your comment made me realise that this could be one of the deepest longings of the human heart. For me, after i became a Christian & have a personal relationship with a God who loves me, this longing is being satisfied and i have grown a lot. To the point that i am OK with not being heard sometimes, and if misunderstandings occur or if the other person doesn't reciprocate, i'm still secure.
Hope this is helpful.
Side note but one thing to keep in mind is that love is not a feeling, but an action. And some of those actions are not always pleasant, but that's part of what it means to love. It's less about receiving, more about what you give. A lot of people focus on receiving, or having needs met, but they forget that it's their job to take action as well.
Also, although communication is important, values have to align.
Love is a verb. For sure
Love is a feeling that produces actions, feeding off each other, love is a 2 way street, it is about receiving and giving. They call it abusive relationships when one person gives and get nothing in return from the other.
This is a bad take, absolutely can break up because of differences even if your partner hears. People change, needs change. This take his reductive.
Yep
This is absolutely true. My wife of 13 years is always willing to hear me out and we give each other grace when we go through difficult shit. We have weathered tough storms and proven that not only CAN we endure hardship, but we are better together and want to be together in spite of our foibles. When you find someone who "gets" you and is committed to you, only a fool would throw that away. I used to be a fool, but not anymore
This video spoke to me directly! It was sooo spot on bc it’s the EXACT reason why I ended an engagement. Not feeling heard. If a person who says that they love you can’t even listen/tolerate views that are different than their own, then I say remain single.
Hi Joy I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
@@David-ky3lr you wanna be friends with me😂?
This is so insane to hear knowing that the single piece of relationship advice that my mom gave me was that understanding is the most crucial aspect.
Totally agreed. I'm about to get marry in couple of months. Having this, I felt truly blessed that I'm with the right person who is trying his best, give all ears and hearts to me and to our bond. And I'll do my best to keep it that way 🍀
Hi pretty lady. How are you doing today 😘😘??
Hi Tuba I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹
@@nicolassmith1278 down bad, grandpa
@@muntadar1655😂😂
Congratulations sister!
Wishing you a long happy healthy life ehehe
If you dont have 5 things ~ love, honesty, trust, communication and respect, the relationship will fail. It only takes the loss of one for the others to fall. It wont happen instantly of course, but over time, you will see what failed you.
You are right
What do you mean by "love"? Do you mean the initial spark/butterflies?
@@elikorn7418 Caring for people?
True. Disrespect and disregard, from needy people who always want to be at the center of relationship, makes one truly angry.
If they need to be front and center all of the time, then they're more towards the narristic spectrum, which is a relationship you don't want to be in. It will never be about you and your feelings. It will ALWAYS be about them and how they can get their next "fix" of attention from you. Take care of yourself, and be careful!
Be mindful. 💚
if being with someone makes you angry, let them free so they can be with someone who understands them... and you can be with someone who understands you 🤠
@@0000song0000 let them be with someone who doesn't mind being angry
I beg to differ, based on my recent long term relationship experience,. There is no point on saying that you are trying to understand if you are not acting on it.
Relationships are a trade. You invest yourself in someone; your emotions, hopes and dreams they get bound with that person in a long term relationship. You should be valued yes, but also you should be seen.
As Erich Fromm says in the book of love "We cannot measure a person's love to their flower by how often they water them. But they will surely water them if they love them.". There is no such thing as ignoring the need of the other person by doing the opposite yet saying "I understand you." at the same time. If words are not backed with action they don't mean nothing.
She was always saying that she is trying to understand and to act on it but was doing the same thing again and again. And she was getting judgement when I said you broke my heart by doing this. Being in caple of caring for your partner's needs is the end of a relationship. Those needs will always be there. They don't just disappear by a simple phrase like "I understand you."
Long story short, if things are not working this means things are not working. You can try to explain and can give some time for them to digest and act. But if you are not moving closer, just end it, as I did. I feel so relieved. The burden of a faulty relationship can be beyond imagination. People end it because it feels painful and disvaluing.
Stay positive and be respectful to yourself and your needs. Best to know when to cease effort and end it. And please don't let any amount of overly romantised, sugar coated nonsense videos like this to determine your mindset.
i don't think "communication" in this video means just talking and listening. i believe that "communication" goes beyond words. "being heard" doesn't simply mean "being heard" by the ears. it means to genuinely, with your whole body, not just the ears, to "listen". that is why we can tell when someone truly listens to us, and when they don't. we are more than just words, and we know it. and to be able to watch this video from that awareness is super important. good job, school of life!
Agreed.👏👏👏👏
Why should a relationship be judged by how long it lasts, anyway? Enjoy it while it's good, let it go when it's not, but always keep your awareness in the present moment and be honest with yourself about what you feel. The only time a relationship can truly be deemed a failure is if you stay in it when it's no longer working for you.
Yeah, except no relationship is ever going to work 'for you' constantly. There are always going to be hard times, same as very good times, or just mellow times. And it's in the hard times that your commitment, your patience and your principles and willingness to make it work are tested. Relationships don't work 'for you'. You work for the relationship.
👍👍👌👌
If a relationship lasts it shows that you are willing to try and that you were already in a somewhat okay relationship.
'It's better to be single, than unseen'. How true. Thanks.
Unconditional love is the ideal form of love you want to have but maintaining it is realistically hard. Learning when to give and when to take is something working for me.
What I find interesting about reading a lot of the opinions in the comments section over this video is that I eventually started getting this feeling in my gut that sometimes, we tend to lose ourselves in the content creators we enjoy where we take the contents of said video as gospel truth but in turn sacrifice our own doubts / personal experiences, shoving it to the back of the bus as though having a nuanced take on issues feels guilty.
Now, I may not have any grounds in that assumption, but at least, that's the honest impression I'm getting.
So well said. I truly believe that because we are all uniquely different in our personalities and life experiences, the best advice we can take is from ourselves and our gut feelings. No matter how
complex an issue may seem, it is up to us to look inwards and validate our feelings in order to find the most sound path to take. There is no “right” or “wrong” in life, simply different pathways we can take.
At 33(almost 34), I’d been in 3 LTR but one was 4 years and was head over heels for this person. Learn, grow, and seek what you deserve and hopefully things will fall into place like it did for myself.
This video came to me at the right moment, where I'm having a challenging situation with my girlfriend. Where we need each other at every moment, and defy us to overcome challenges, and more importantly, focus in the problem, rather than the person. Not every relationship is always a colorful story. There are ups and downs, where each stage need each other. Subscribed to this channel, because after a panic attack I had, I decided to attack my frustration, and read and inform myself. Thank you for this amazing content
Rather learn to be happy with myself, friends & life itself than to put myself thru the heartache again, yeah it's great having someone in such a way but that comes with a depressing cost if it doesn't work out.. But this is just me & only me ofc. Hope whoever's reading this finds what they're looking for ✨ x
This is true. I was in a relationship for 9years. It ended because I was never heard. All of my worries, requests, what made me happy or unhappy. All of it was unheard from my partner. Everytime i tried to speak he came defensive or pointed his needs and wants. I tried to be there for so long and not being heard or seen. Nothing mattered if it wasnt alliens with my partners view. It truly is better to be single than unseen in a relationship. I saw myself and learnd alot about myself after it all.
This is the reason why my relationship ended many years ago but is also reassuring to read now as I begin a new relationship. I will keep listening, being present, and know that I am enough (this cuts out a lot of worry) even if something changes between us.
I did my Masters thesis on the thematic analysis of relational breakup in Black Canadians. And found that a reduction of emotional connection led to relationship breakups. If there is chronic unhappiness, if there is a lack of intimacy, if there is one partner who thinks the other had an affair and if both partners decided to stop fighting for the relationship.
The partner has something very important to say, but they never say it. And by the time you discover it, it’s too late. I’m no mind reader.
This is very true! Me and my partner fell in love well before we knew the differences of political and other opinions that we had. Many are very different, and our biggest fight was because I felt like my view wasn't being taken seriously or acknowledged. And he also felt hurt that I felt he wasn't listening. We were able to work things out, and are very happy🥰Different views and opinions can be the reason for leaving someone, but it's rarely the actual reason someone leaves. Not being heard is. Guess my point is that it CAN WORK! It just takes work to make it work
so true! Real communication and real conversations are everything. The feeling of being in a team. An "Us against the world" kind of thing.
The last words were pure gold. U try to work on it and never want to let them go💯💯
I agree. Just had a breakup with my 6 years partner. We had a healthy relationship, a very healthy one confirmed by our therapist. Only turned out he had been hiding one big and fundamental expectation towards me, and in which causing me to explode and getting insecure… We talked about it and I can understand how important the expectation for him, and he can also understand how I am unable to keep up with the expectation. We broke up while still loving each others. We broke up because we know at this moment, we cannot go through it together.
As long as both still want each other and are willing to work it out together there will be no breakup..but sadly, usually, only one person is willing to fight till the end while the other one gives up..i hope my partner will always want me no matter how bad it gets in the future ,cuz for me, she's the one that i want..
Thank you! I've been trying to describe this to someone, I told them that I don't feel seen around them and ironically they made me feel like I wasn't making any sense but this describes what I wasn't able to. you never fail to comfort me, and make me feel understood, funny no one I know does.
This is amazingly profound! To make the effort to listen and understand someone is a powerful manifestation of love.
U made me cry, thank you TSOL. You always talk to me and not to an audience, that's so touching. Really. Thanks. Your videos are like private conversations.
Where was this two years ago, when this exact language was exactly what I needed?
I am so angry...because I am striving for peace and calm.
I believe that individuals who have a high degree of narcissistic personality traits are going to have a really rough time with the concepts presented in this video. As for me, personally, I wanted to say thank you to School of Life. I've had a lot of fears lately, and by focusing on them I've been unable to hear my wife and demonstrate that I'm listening. This has helped me untangle my priorities. My fear, or my wife - which is more important to hang onto? Seems a simple answer after watching this.
Yeah I second that. I practiced a lot of patience, understanding, and open clear communication and it still got me nowhere because my SO was a narcissist.
@@AfternoonWolfSpice I obviously can't speak to your personal circumstances and whether or not your SO was, clinically, a narcissist, but honestly I think the term 'narcissist' has become incredibly overused and lost it's sense of meaning. A lot of the time, the reason why we view our significant others as 'narcissists' in retrospect is to do with the same ideas explored in this video - often times, when people are in pain and not feeling heard, they will of course become more aggressive and self-serving, which can be mistaken for pervasive, clinical narcissism at first glance. Realistically, though, the amount of people referred to as 'narcissists' would be dramatically lower if we collectively learned how to communicate better with one another, and had the patience to develop the emotional imagination to understand another's suffering. We are all, in ways, narcissistic, especially in particular circumstances; yes, there's a clinical diagnosis that can be made, but the majority of us sit somewhere in the subclinical region, suggesting that it's just an innate aspect of our humanity that fluctuates circumstantially.
Additionally, what even is narcissism, if not a protective mechanism for coping with emotional pain? NPD is widely recognised as being the result of significant childhood trauma which has fragmented a person's sense of self and self-esteem. Right now, it's considered 'incurable', but I don't really believe that, I think we just need to develop more fine-tuned methods of communication so that we're better able to get through to those whose tendencies lean towards fragile grandiosity and disproportionate self-centredness. At the core, everybody just wants to feel safe and loved - if we are able to communicate this more effectively, the need for superficial narcissistic defence mechanisms is made obsolete and the 'soul' or 'true self' below is revealed. That's not to say that any individual is obliged to keep trying with somebody who isn't open to our current communication methods, or that it's their fault at all that there's been a communicative breakdown; rather, it is the optimistic goal for society in general, if we're to reduce suffering.
@@Jay-fk6mk well said.
@@Jay-fk6mk that's word salad
@@Jay-fk6mk My SO is amazing. I'M the one who is admitting to being selfish and wallowing in my own fears - thus reducing my ability to truly listen. A narcissist would pretend to listen, do the bare minimum and get upset/defensive when the SO complains at not being heard - thereafter gaslighting them into questioning their own reality. They play lip service and make empathetic sounds, but don't follow through with the action necessary to show that they've been listening. As you say, we all live on the spectrum. We all have narcissistic traits, especially when we give into fear and anxiety. Narcissism and selfishness are critical to surviving in times of scarcity, and wouldn't have evolved if they weren't useful. However, the purposefully manufactured stresses of today's society trigger narcissistic behaviors and emotions in times when they aren't necessary. It's up to us as thinking beings to self reflect and realize when we're overstressing over nonsense or some manufactured emergency in the news that's designed to cause fear and anger in order to generate profit. We need to realize when we're being cruel and idiotic. Even if we're screaming at someone else, our SO is there enduring that rage - soaking up that fear and hatred in an attempt to sooth us. Which is why I'm glad that videos like this exist, so I can stop behaving that way.
The most important video I have seen in the last 7 years of general crisis in my life. I undertand myself at last
that mustve been a relief haha
your comment made me happy
I agree wholeheartedly with this message. I am going through a divorce right now. My wife became avoidant and distant after my level of frustration were built over time. My constant longing for intimacy and deeper connections was just too much for her to take.
You are anxiously attached, perhaps. Maybe read a bit more on the attachment styles and see where the differences came in, then next time after you heal, you will move towards a secure partner. I really wish you well
@@user-ws8qb9wq5n And what if his wife is avoidant attached type. Before you jump into conclusion on him just be kind and may be before suggesting him something you need to go back and read again too.
And love makes you do all these things.....!
I'm experiencing it.... I didn't learn about these things..... But only because I do love this guy.....these things are coming naturally to me!
Love isn't a sign of weakness, but an intelligent way to exist!
This is weird. Just this morning my wife and I had one of our biggest argument with opposite stance that seems unsolvable. And now this youtube suggestion video hit the nail on the head. Thank you!
This is the most real relationship video I have heard and I'm in my 40s. Everyone should listen to this with a potential partner and see if the other agrees and follows through with action. This is a deal breaker video.
"It would be possible to live with someone who doesn't want the same sort of sex we want, or doesn't want any sex at all..."
Speak for yourself
I agree! Sexual compatibility is very important to me!
I've watched this channel with understanding for many many years now and this time you finally blew my mind.
Thank you for all your work.
Very thoughtful video- I love the message. However, when I think about it alittle harder- I'm not sure if I agree. I think most partners do understand the underlying differences at hand- but the differences are too great to just say "I acknowledge you...I understand you- I'll give it more thought." Its not that the understanding isn't there, its that the compromise is not one they're willing to make. I think most long-term partners split not because they don't understand eachother- but because they do understand and they don't want to deal with the implications.
My experience indicates that if someone's behaviour is stressing or harming you, and they listen to you explain this but make no radical change to that behaviour, then the important work has not been done. "Feeling heard" is not enough - actions speak louder.
I'm gonna do everything to make sure mine does 🤷🏽♂️
thats the best way to go about it!
speaking from experience, this video absolutely perfectly explained what was wrong in my ldr and i can assure you, with that attitude and this understood, yours surely will last
i really do wish you well :)
The more income and power a man has, while he fundamentally holds onto the beliefs of sacred marriage and loyalty to his wife, the more stable, healthy and happy the relationship will be.
True. I’m stuck in the exact situation but the wife is the one in control of the income and has all the power. And uses it abundantly for her advantage. And she’s got me. Checkmate. Sucks. I say that someday it might change and I’ll be the one with the monetary power.
I met someone 2 months ago and I falled in love beautifully. I feel is mutual, even though we didn't use this exact words. He is so great that I just can't believe I was so lucky. He is great at communication, he always knows what to say. He talk to me when he doesn't like something I did, but he is always extremely warm. He listen to me. He encourages me to comunicate. I know it's been just two months, but I never felt that way before, and I am 31. I just want to learn how to have a healthy relationship. I know we are in the honey moon phase and that I'll see things differently in sometime. Still, I want this relationship to grow and become stronger. He is leaving the country soon and he'll be our for a year and I know it will be difficult. But I trust.
One year and few months after that, we are still together!!!
This 7-minute video summarized in one sentence ---> Long-term relationships survive due to open, understanding, and true-to-self communication.
I can say with no doubts; The School of Life's videos are the ones most packed with wisdom in such a short time
Being heard is truly healing!
As someone who’s been in a relationship with someone for 11 years and 2 years ago told me they are no longer interested in s-e- x, basically decided to be a-s*xual, I think this video sorely undermines how important s-e -x is to a person. It’s very important. It’s probably one of the most important things outside of companionship and care when one is ill with disease or terminal.
It’s a really awful place to be in to find yourself without s-e- x ual companionship suddenly. It caused me to re-evaluate our relationship and plan to part ways. It’s something I need as a human being to be happy and stable in a relationship. It is a MAJOR factor and I don’t care if people say it’s a small thing, it’s not.
men
BOTTOMLINE You and your partner NEED to have the same beliefs/faith/views especially around main core things. Whenever this is ignored for other forms of attraction we tend to create cracks in our emotional frame which only grow larger over time. There are plenty of studies on these topics.
This is such a good video about maintaining a healthy relationship and having open communication. Thank you so much School of Life for creating this and explaining this in such a succinct way!
In most cases, finding a compromise is possible, but sometimes, the values, wants, or needs are not able to be met by each other and feeling safe with your partner to express those things allows for a discussion on what to do next, as opposed to starting on a path of pain, hate, resentment, and regret. Many below missed the point and don't understand what it really means to feel heard.
I think even if my partner heard me that I wanted more time with him or affection or for him to control his temper it wouldn't have changed how unhappy I was if he didn't adjust his behaviours.
This is the best ever description I have heard of why relationships breakdown - my family, friends, colleagues and why I get sooo angry when I feel I am not heard.... so many people don't listen, I am guilty too
I hope my boyfriend who doesn't know that we're in a relationship watch this.
LMAO i agree
Hahaha
hahah yeah
i just got out of my relationship in which i quite literally gave everything and the reason for the downfall was exactly the content of this video
i hope yours gets better :)
This. My marriage suffered from lack of affection and intimacy at an early stage. When I tried to talk about my concerns with my wife she ignored me or avoided the topic. She didn't listen to me. In the end I stopped listening to her as my needs were ignored. Now we are divorcing.
Consent and communication is all that matters. A breakup or divorce isn't as terrifying if communicated and agreed upon mutually. Humans were not biologically made to be in a partnership for 80 years. The tribe and local community took care of children and people had multiple partners. People also only lived to 30 years old.
So don't compare your life to the Hollywood ideal of a super long marriage like it's some milestone to meet. There are many types of partnerships, not just marriage, 2 kids and a family home. Think outside the box and find out what YOU really want, not what your cultural factors made you believe you want.
the problem is that pretty much every big historical civilisation follows the monogamy rule with polygamy reserved for the elite. all these alternative relationships don't occur anywhere else save for maybe small tribes here and there.
monogamy isn't perfect, but it's still our best bet.
Shut up
Hollywood couples don’t even stay together lol .
Who cares what people did thousands or 10 years ago? Just bc it was done in the past doesn't make it a good or useful choice.
Lol no, highly disagree
This is with the assumption that both people in the relationship are on the same page and listen to each other. If one listens and the other doesn't, then it is unlikely that the relationship will last. So while you may be of the listening and understanding mindset, if your partner doesn't, what would be the strategy to get them to listen? And like the video is saying, not to change them, but to be listened to and heard.
The person doing the dumping can sometimes be the the one who isn’t even that unsatisfied, but has drained their partner dry because as a couple there were not enough boundaries. I feel like my needs were not being met, yet I kept trying to give until it destroyed my life. Instead of helping me up, the other person decided I was a loser and left. So I guess they actually did help by removing themselves
My uncle is 91 and aunt is 88 this year. They have been fighting viciously for over 65 years of marriage. One is a narcissist and the other is headstrong. They are waiting to see the other did first. This long marriage is the worst kind of marriage between two not nice ppl.
Shame peoples egos are more important to them than their relationship..
From my understanding and my experience. Choose carefully, someone who sees the world with similar eyes, has the same moral values and wants you the same as you want them. Then when struggles occur logically realize that the grass is never green on the other side. Maybe your new lover would be better at some things but they would lack the good sides of your partner. The most important thing is mutual respect and you have to genuinly care about the person.
Simply put, communication is everything. Without talking things out, whether it be ideal or not, it’s imperative to any relationship, especially the romantic kind, to have dialogue. Plus it’s phonetically pleasing to hear the voice of someone you care about or love when you’re not being heard by the rest of the world. Keep it sexy, ya’ll :)
My first relationship was with my best friend. She's my first love, we met in grade 6, and it's been about 8 years.
It's always hard work to preserve such a long relationship, but it's so worth it for the right person.
To me, how long a relationship last depends on the healing process of each part. Each individual is healing (or not) their own past traumas/experiences and sometimes no matter how good you are at communication you just go different directions. You choose to be with a person because you have to learn something from that person, and if one day you happen to feel there is nothing left to learn ... You must let go.
My partner and I are almost 5 years together, and we both understand each one quite good, I want to have one kid with him and a house etc, but I accept whatever happens in the future must be for a reason and there is no pain in that. Only gratefulness.
When we say "I'll love you forever" I think it's true. If you really loved that person you'll carry it in your heart with good memories and a smile in your face 💗
Update: we broke up lol
@@youcansoften are you okay?
@@youcansoften WHAT! Hope you’re doing ok ❤️🩹
means...you break up after you've healed each other? means you r not ready to put efforts into your relationship?
I understand is powerful when someone is committed and wants a future with you. It means little if they aren’t.
Saying “I understand” and actually realizing what that means are also 2 very different things. I don’t feel that simply saying it is enough. When a person feels ignored in a relationship, the other person needs to both recognize the problem, and put in the work to make their partner feel important. Putting in the work to get to the root of why they feel this way is also an important step forward to bringing the couple back on the same page. People have a tendency to fall back on old habits, so this will take constant effort
Sometimes they understand but they can't do anything about it because they don't have the ability. If you say "I want to be heard/understood on X," and partner says "OK...I hear you and I understand" but they can't modify their behavior to meet the other's needs ...then you're back to square 1. People can't be more than they are wired to be. This kind of ridiculous advice implies that we can ask people to be what they cannot be. A great match is essential for communication. Otherwise, communication between poor matches is simply useless lip service.
@@roses6564 Understanding that some people are wired differently, it sounds like you're just giving the person an excuse not to try. Relationships take constant work. Some may seem effortless, but they seldom are. I'm not talking about making a person change their entire behavior and habits, I'm simply saying that you need to keep a running dialog between both people. For example, cleaning dirty dishes. Barring a few exceptions, no one lacks the ability to clean up after themself. and when 1 person in the relationship is always doing the cleaning, resulting in frustration, that's most certainly something that should be discussed.
@@timepassesbye This is ridiculous You are talking about small, trivial things, I am talking about the big, deeper things. The foundation. The foundation. No two sane people well matched would ever fall apart over who washes the dishes. This is sheer ego and stupidity. If you are trying to reach out about such things and the partner won't hear you, despite repeated attempts, then you go back to mismatches.
You may be in an R with an egotistic idiot, someone out of your league, or someone who simply doesn't share your values. They may have wanted someone willing to take on the domestic tasks so they can focus on employment.
These things must be clarified - but if there is a mismatch of internal ability (mental), it won't happen. It's not that they can't wash the dishes. It's that they can't hear you that you have that need to see the dishes washed. They might leave them unwashed for days if they were single Otherwise yes, two people of decent caliber and similar ability can discuss mundane issues such as who's doing what and work it out. These are small things. The big things where the two have fundamentally different needs (mental/intellectual/spiritual, personality (such as order vs chaos, etc) and they simply cannot tun themselves into someone else to the partner's satisfaction.
The biggest offense I have been on the receiving end of in the dating world is for the partner or potential partner to see and hear who I am and immediately conclude:
A) This is my canvas on which to shape into my own view of who they should be, or
B) This is the starting point. Now I have to "Fix" them.
What's even worse is that these individuals often insist they be accepted as they are, yet wish to completely alter who I am for their benefit without consideration for what I want or need.
It’s better to start with arguing and end up in love than the other way around.