I have been with my husband for 31 years. He is always the hottest guy in any room. I think “initiation” goes deeper than a hand sliding across the bed in the dark. It’s texts throughout the day, it’s kisses hello and good-bye. It’s telling someone they look good or copping a quick feel at the grocery store when no one is looking. It’s a quickie on the couch when the kids are out or telling your guy you are going commando. It’s taking care of yourself and each other. It’s putting your phone away and eating dinner together. It’s the sum of soooo many little things. It’s prioritizing each other over everyone else (once kids are old enough not to need-need their parents). Spending time together and having a solid bond so that communication comes naturally makes for a mutually satisfying interpersonal as well as physical relationship!
So true. It's very hard to open up to sexual experiences when there's mistrust, hurt feelings or resentment between the parties involved. Taking systematically care of the tone of conversation and letting the other one know how much you love, desire and appreciate them is very important.
Oh Marksman but people tend to not understand that. Being wanted, touched, and desired are genuine human NEEDS not wants. And yet if we’re upset about not getting our need met we’re the assholes.
Totally it's got to be addressed or its not gonna end well I haven't been rejected But I'm guilty of the occasional Oh if you must sex 😬 Not now not now I am older and with a very hot partner with a high sex drive and it's never just because it's been a few days I love it and I understand that I didn't because they were selfish lovers and I didn't feel comfortable asking for something else 🤣 cheated for years
There is no worst feeling that feeling unwanted. To feel bad or dirty for initiating or even asking without any action following up to it. I feel like such a simple denial can take away so many layers of self-confidence. Very difficult to accept.
Yes especially in long term relationships with avoident partners who are more closed down. I spent years thinking my husband was just no longer attracted to me after I had our children, but once we finally felt open and talked he said he's usually just tired or stressed. It's still mostly a battle within myself not to jump to conclusions.
This struck a nerve with me. I haven't initiated with my wife in years. I don't feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with her. I can admit it here but I am ashamed because... due to this lack of closeness I feel because we have grown apart and not constructively communicated, I couldn't perform for her. I can get excited for other women physically but I have developed a physical aversion to my wife. The thought of even kissing her makes me recoil. The sad thing is, she is very sweet and selfless...she is moral and giving and a great mom. But... I cannot see myself with her. She could get a better man but I am scared to leave her and our daughter alone. I would give them both houses (one is a rental drawing a nice income) to ensure they were both financially secure for life and Id be close. But I still feel like I am abandoning them. But can I take this for another 40 or 50 years to be on my deathbed consumed by regret?
@@whatareyoulookingat908 thank you for sharing. There is nothing wrong with being 'wrong' in a relationship, or being 'disgusting stupid or dumb. Sometimes I have to be these things in a relationship if I am going to take up any space at all in the relationship. I am a fairly young(27 year old) South African man. For me, risking being hated is a form of emotional labour. It is something I can do as a man in my relationships. There are times that I can be delicate and sensitive but not at the expense of my own self-worth. When my heart and my gees(my passion) start to flounder then I am not doing anybody any favours. Thanks again for sharing. We are all walking each other home.
I get your pain all too well, my wife does the same stuff. I expressed to her exactly how I was feeling and what I wanted, even genuinely asked her if there were any areas i could improve in or what she wants. All I got in return was her questioning if I’m playing some sort of game with her and my soul is completely crushed and I don’t know what to do. She’s the only one I want for the rest of my life
@@mattlaflamme4774 I'm really sorry you had to deal with the feelings from something like that. From what you said it appears you did exactly what you should have by communicating your needs and feelings directly, openly and honestly. Based on the info given, esp asking if you need to improve anything, it sounds like you avoided blaming her. Is this standard behavior and/or her normal response when you approach her regarding your feelings or needs, or when you say something she could perceive as criticism? If so, your problems go way beyond the bedroom and into the realm of a partner who dismisses your feelings and needs - by the sound of it possibly in manipulative ways. If she tends to be receptive and/or this behavior isn't consistent with her personality, I'd suggest exploring further. It could be she's harboring hurt and/or resentment based on any number of things. Maybe she feels you aren't prioritizing (or are even minimizing) other areas of the relationship she values. She may be feeling unappreciated or undervalued. Or she could feel like you aren't actually attracted to her based on (in)actions, not complimenting her looks, making comments she interprets as critical of her body, or even you not initiating often (or her perceiving it that way either bc you are going about it in ways that are too subtle for her to realize that's what you're doing, or you initiate less frequently than you used to). It's also possible she feels you have more sexual interest/attraction toward other women, perhaps through wandering eyes or porn. Or she may feel unappreciated or unsupported outside the bedroom, leading to resentment. I've heard it said many times before that for most women foreplay starts outside the bedroom - as in feeling emotionally supported and secure, having equal division of labor (ex: if both partners work chores are shared equally), and showing interest in/prioritizing all aspects of the relationship (not just the sexual). For example expressing appreciation for what she does, how she makes you feel, and the wonderful qualities she has. Maybe taking time to show her you care just randomly, preferably by doing things that relating to her love language. Examples might include taking some of her normal responsibilities off her shoulders by doing them yourself, surprising her with little gifts, or randomly leaving mini love-notes/post-its aroundwhere she'll find them. So many of my female friends have mentioned what a turn-on they find it to be when their partner does more than their normal share of the chores unprompted. So if her response was out of the norm for her, or it doesn't fit her personality, maybe try to pursue that communication further. If conversations often get too heated between you two, or this issue seems particularly complicated or fraught, maybe write a letter instead of talking. Ask how she feels about this specifically, and if there's anything else she may also be hurting/upset about in your relationship. Ask why what you said was upsetting for her (like if you've inadvertently done something that hurt her without realizing) and what it was that made her question if you were playing some sort of gane. Of course all of this is based on very limited information from a short post from only one of the points of view. That's why I tried to include a variety of possibilities (thus making this unfortunately long). So if there's something major you left out, like you cheating, or talking down to her/emotionally abusing her and harming her self-esteem, or even something a bit less extreme, that's a you problem. Meaning you need to look within yourself, reflect on why you've acted that way, how your actions have impacted your girlfriend, and why you felt OK asking that of her and focusing on your feelings rather than what she's been through. Then focus on healing any rifts she feels need healing. To be clear I really meant no insult or accusation with that last paragraph. I just felt I ought to include it if I was including all those other possible explanations/scenarios (but to be clear I also feel it could very well be a result of misunderstanding). Particularly since that comment about playing a game is so odd and specific. It definitely sounds like it comes from a place of hurt, which often comes out as anger, along with a dose of seeming to interpret your actions as inconsistent/incompatible (unless she's just being mean and/or manipulative). In any case, best of luck to both of you.
From I've learned from the School of Life: Whether politics or romantic relations or art or philosophy, LACK OF COMMUNICATION is at the core of external and internal conflicts.
No, we don't lack communication. People communicate in all different ways and levels, often non verbally. Too many of us think that talking is the ONLY way we communicate; it isn't. We're communicating all the time, through our actions, behaviour, body language, presence; whether it's being recognised or decoded accurately though is the real issue.
My ex of 14 years broke up with me in bed, in the dark, by pushing me away when I went to initiate contact, then telling me he wanted to be with someone else. For some reason that moment in the dark of being pushed away by the person you cuddled with for so long was especially painful.
Not just in romantic relationships, even with friends when you're the one always initiating plans and no one responds to you. Or they agree on some day then back out last moment. Makes you feel the unwanted person in the group
@@Lapusso650Not necessarily. I am someone who has been guilty of not reaching out to friends and canceling plans, and it's not because my friends are not awesome/fun/likeable people. The issue lies with me and my own depression, anxiety and insecurity. Sometimes I am so caught up in the problems directly in front of me, in my day-to-day existence, that making space for anything else can feel ridiculously overwhelming. In platonic relationships, just as with romantic ones, clear communication and mutual understanding are key.
@@sajjadhaqCC the video is going thru and explaining how these situations are created and continue and why...at the end they give the advice. so many times we're given the tools to the solutions we wish to solve, but not many videos walking people thru the ins and outs of specific situations and how it's created or the feelings of those involved. im not articulating myself well tho, sorry. i just appreciate the perspective so much
Sex doesn't begin in bed in the Darkness. Making love begins during the day. It begins by showing respect to your partner. Begins by showing compassion to your partner. Asking them what they need during the day how can I help them, Etc. Having been ignored all day, I'm not likely to respond well to a hand slid across my arm in the Darkness.
@@Peppermon22 And your husband is right. Too much things to wrap your head around before having access to your wife is just exhausting. The less you satisfy a man's sexual needs, the more he'll be distant to you.
Priyanka Niwas yep. When a wife is the only one taking on the emotional labor and taking care of the domestic space, they become so exhausted at the end of the day there just isn’t enough energy for sex. Men who feel there are being rebuffed should consider what other parts of the relationship they are letting fall by the wayside. Participating in chores and taking care of the kids could actually get you laid.
I'm 29 and want to say that a lot of these videos you post are lessons we learn the hard way from about 18-26, and only if we put a lot of work into ourselves. We waste a lot of our 20s shedding the misconceptions we have about life and the way things work. If only 'emotional intelligence' was a regular part of public schooling - we would be a better world, and more grateful for not wasting so many years, scrambling to make sense of it all. Thank you for these videos!
I totally agree. Emotional intelligence is something that should be taught or at least brought to light, early on in life - and should be a priority just as maths and other school subjects. Sadly, however a lot of the lessons have to be learned through experience. I was a stubborn one in my early 20's lol listening to my mom and friends could have saved me a lot of heartache and time!
@Atari Ferrari Same age as you and I definitely agree! We turn to crap like porn due to being sexually frustrated instead of using that sexual energy to work on our inner selves. Yeah, I feel like my 20s were wasted on frivolous shit. Not porn, but it might as well have been porn.
I used to be the one initiating all the time. I addressed it, and it really did seem like he just didn't care. He told me that "maybe you just have a higher libido than me. well, that just sucks for you". So i stopped talking about it and completely stopped initiating sex whatsoever. We haven't had sex i months. Honestly, i just don't care anymore. Really thinking about breaking up because i'm not happy in this anymore. :(
You said that he said "well, that just sucks for you" but a problem for one of the people in a relationship is a problem for both. So he is clearly wrong. If he is interested in the relationship which I assume he is since he hasn't broken up with you your problems are his problems.
Same here! He says that sometimes he just simply "isnt in the mood" to have sex or "simply dont want to" And lately he dont even want to go down, so the poor times we got sex is boring Sex was one of the few things that got me there, but now I think I deseeve a LOT more than this, its a damn fucking horrible situation
Girl take yo fine ass elsewhere where it’s gon be appreciated!! You can break up and date your own damn self until you’ve figured some shit out about yourself. That’s when your real partner will step in and sweep you off your feet 😎 don’t worry, just let go and love a little. Life is short. You are worth it 🤗 have no regrets but be safe and enjoy it all. Goodluck! xx
@@hectorg.7282 I have 0 communication skills plus iam introvert. what should i do and how can i become effective communicator or how can i know that what other person actually want from me whom i met first time whether if he/she come to me or i go to her?
What stands in the way of communication sometimes, is the fear of showing vulnerability. Or if it might seem unmasculinely or weak. But I guess the thing to say in that case is "I care about this relationship enough that I want to resolve issues, rather than make a conlusion w/o talking about it". Yet it still requires overcoming that fear and a bit of trust in your partner, friend or another close one. Thinking out loud.
9 years i was in a relationship like this all the way up to 33, i am 35 now and i am loving life!!!! Do not stay in something you are not happy with!! Do NOT waste your time!! Its more valuable than you think X
Both sexes need to initiate.. as a sign or respect and to validate the other. The real issue is we tend to overlook initiation unless is super obvious🤔
Moses Emmet On the other hand, no one is a mind reader. It is impossible for a person (including a lover) to ALWAYS know another person’s thoughts and feelings. And sometimes the lover really can be too tired or otherwise temporarily don’t want to initiate or respond. So if someone is easily offended or ashamed by his/her partner’s occasional lack of response, then really there is some deeper and more serious personal problems to deal with, in order for that person to have a sustainable healthy relationship.
Ideally sex is not performed to validate another, but is engaged in when MUTUALLY DESIRED. And if you're not mature/comfortable enough to openly discuss sex with your partner, then something is very wrong.
The initiation part is so true. It is way too easy to overlook the subtleties of human need. But yeahh idk how valuable it is to incorporate the matter of what sex or sexes are involved in the relationship at hand.. ?? My bf is trans. Personally, for me at least, in a discussion on emotional needs, adding in biological sex sounds a little odd for relationships that have the same emotional elements but different sex and gender dynamics at play.
It's funny that you say both sexes: I'm not sure if it's a matter of gender... but I guess it could be. This is the case: I'm currently dating a men, where it seems that when I am (as a female) beein initiatly, he for the most part turns me down - even tho he seems to want to it as well (at least how I perceive it). It's really frustrating, because I think it has something to do with power and control....Some how, me trying to seduce him seems to make him feel out of control or something. But now I feel 'left out', because I don't really have a say in it.. Unless I kind of "trick" him into thinking it was his idea, but that's exhausting and also I'm not sure how I feel about tricking someone into wanna have sex.....
We live in a society with a communication problem within our families. I hadn't told my siblings I loved them since I was 8 years old. I'm now 23 during the quarantine and I barely had a heart to heart with both my sister and brother and told them how much they mattered to me, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I kind of resent my parent's ignorance while raising us. They didn't even study a little bit of psychology in children or adults. You need to teach your children the importance of communication and knowledge.
Well your parents probably did the best they knew from where they were. Now you are 23. You are an adult! What will you do to fix it? Or you prefer to blame your parents forever and abstain from changing?
@@allwhatilove914I think OP is doing the best from where they are, too. their resentment is not necessarily always blame. people can be bitter and working through emotions, as well. a several-year pandemic upending the lives of people is a reasonable catalyst. change does not always come all at once.
Exactly 😢 it's really sad on the part of parents too. I'm a teenager so I understand that really well especially when u in a bad mood but they don't even notice 😞 they just do whatever 😞. It really hurts 🤕. I don't think I can ever treat my children like dat cuz to me it's so wrong. I wanna create this open relationship with all of children [if I give birth to any]. Kids are very keen to how their parents behave and treat them I wouldn't want a situation where my child will think I hate him/ her even though I'm not. I know life is hard but at least giving ur child 20 minutes of ur time shouldn't be too much to ask 🥺😢. Here my parents don't really av time for me at all they don't even take time to know me sometimes my parents forget my own birthday 😞 even though I'm their child they don't remember dat but me I know theirs really well from the age I could remember things well. If they can't keep little things like my birthday date what exactly do they know about me 😞😢
Better to make your own mistakes and have the experience, than to learn from others mistakes and not have the experience. That's what life's all about, right? Our opportunities for growth often come through mistakes and realizing our faults. Sometimes it takes a partner to point those faults out to us. For those of us who aren't ready for that step- We have "The School of Life" It at least gets you thinking about this stuff and actively working on changing yourself so that one day you can build a meaningful relationship with someone.
Such an important topic! It matters also when partners have a different love language and if one only feels appreciated with physical touch and the other's love language is different (like giving gifts or quality time together), the troubles appear. Knowing our own love language and our partner's one is very important for a healthy relationship. Helped my relationship a ton!
@@hectorg.7282 all these things you mentioned should be communicated. Like saying you need to be alone because you need that shiit to stay sane. you should negotiate on these stuff you feel not just sit back and let you're feelings take it cuz that shiit will build up without you even knowing and consume you. If you have a problem you talk about it its as simple as that but sometimes its difficult to admit you even have one or some other bullshit that prevents you from talking about it idk just ranting :v
@@hectorg.7282 all these things you mentioned should be communicated. Like saying you need to be alone because you need that shiit to stay sane. you should negotiate on these stuff you feel not just sit back and let you're feelings take it cuz that shiit will build up without you even knowing and consume you. If you have a problem you talk about it its as simple as that but sometimes its difficult to admit you even have one or some other bullshit that prevents you from talking about it idk just ranting :v
Good point Quick Fix! Not everyone speaks the same love language so there can be misinterpretation and even that feeling of "Ugh, my partner is pawing at me again... Why?" if people don't show love the same ways.
I'm a lot more affectionate towards my current boyfriend than I probably anyone else. In other relationships I would quickly loose connection because they would stop showing any interest in being affectionate. Even just a kiss on the cheek, a hug, shit even a smile at me will work. I never felt comfortable being big spoon because I'd had people who got annoyed with me about it. One guy even yelled at me just for hugging him from behind. My guess was insecurities about being seen as week or something, cuz that's what most guys say. But it would always take a toll and I'd pull away because I'd feel unwanted. My current boyfriend is just the best. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and still are the same amount of affectionate as we were at the start, maybe even more. We don't have sex a lot but we both are normally just happy with cuddles. I don't normally see couples that have been together for longer than a year show as much affection, so at first I thought maybe it was weird. Honestly I wish everyone could find that kind of relationship whether it's platonic or not, no one deserves to feel unwanted
I know exactly what you mean, I'm in a similar relationship (2,5 years now). I always thought I came from a cuddly active family, but when I look at his cute behaviour sometimes... I think he turned me into a more cuddle-appreciating person than ever before, haha. So my point is: There are those kinds of people. You just have to find them.
I’m in a relationship with someone that we both have a difficult time initiating. The shame we feel asking for it is so engrained into our self esteem it’s hard to say the words or slide that hand over. But once we do it’s a beautiful thing to experience. I just don’t know how we begin to get over that fear of rejection.
I feel that shame too. I grew up in a household where I, a female, was submissive. When I got my first boyfriend, everyone made me feel so deeply, horribly ashamed when I even hugged him in front of them. When the topic of pregnancy and sex came up, it was talked with shame and disgust because I'm a girl. That it's normal for men to want sex, but somehow it degrades a woman?? Even after that relationship ending, I feel ashamed for wanting an intimate relationship with someone.
@@betzabesuazo9784 I actively hate it that woman are depicted like we are whores when we want to get physically. I bash it every time I come to hear something like that. I enjoy sex I initiate and freely speak of it. I'm so happy that I found a partner that likes me like this and I love him so much. I enjoy everything. we women are human too and have a right to it. life is to short. I don't blame you btw I just hate this side of society. you should never be ashamed for seeking and craving intimacy. it's totally normal. we need it like every other living being on this planet.
My living partner and I like to get each other's engines running but then driving the car home ourselves. It's actually been satisfying. We both finish and if one doesn't it's fine. I always feel bad driving in the same car. Maybe not during but after. I always feel bad for one reason or another.
@@betzabesuazo9784 I feel the same way. I know this is a year later, but my parents are strict on sex. They tell me if I have sex that I lose my innocence and that men only want me for sex. So everytime I try to start a relationship it ends because he thinks I don't want him because I won't sleep with him but I'm really scared thats all he wants😭
I might as well be celibate. This kind of rejection feels horrible. The worst part is talking about this every few months & partner doesn't care and it doesn't get resolved. 😭😭😭
@@ratgrandma6540 That sounds really harsh, although maybe the prostitute comment could be that they felt the only times they got physical touch or positive attention was when their partner wanted sex.
I think this video sort of misses touching on why someone might consistently reject sexual advances. It might not be a lack of warmth or interest, but a result of other issues in the relationship. If one person feels ignored, under appreciated, or otherwise unsupported, sex won’t be a welcome suggestion and having more of it wouldn’t fix that. And leaving the relationship to find someone more sexually interested will likely just lead to a repeat of the same cycle and end up the same way as things get more serious and routine (unless you find someone too unhealthily dependent on you to assert their needs).
Kiyo i agree with you . My husband had asperger síndrome and his lack of empathy make me feel in complete isolation I have zero libido . I don’t want to be touch And I feel guilty because he said to me that I don’t desire him . I feel that all the problem is me he have already a divorce and he never had sex with her ex wife she doesn’t want to be with him . I guess for the same thing. I been suffering like one tear now for endometriosis and I feel so terrible ten days I’m normal and the rest of the month I feel like a piece of meet . This make me feel insecure . I don’t want go out with people because I’m scared to find somebody that emocionatly understand me . I feel afraid that he can be with other girl for sex . I’m just worry .
I think not having sex just makes things worse. Much worse. The easiest way to destroy your relationship when its in trouble is to withhold sex as a form of punishment. Sex is a form of emotional bonding, it's not just a physical act, if it were we wouldn't fall in love with people and continue to want to fuck them to begin with. You're trashing your relationship by rejecting sex, you're making the gulf wider between you. I intentionally stopped having sex with my ex so I could make myself break up with him. There is no way I could have left him, no matter how bad things got, if we continued having sex. So if you're not determined to leave, and you think things are still fixable, then keep having sex with your partner because you're just creating more distance by removing that part of your relationship. If a relationship is a house, sex is the foundation, any therapist will tell you something like that.
@@Android-ds9ie yeah I think asexuals and people with low libidos should go somewhere and find each other, because their expectations of sexual humans is unrealistic at best.
Nick Serio sorry to sound insensitive but that’s the most effective way of dealing with it... it’s the only way in order to protect yourself and self esteem.
As a twenty-year-old going into marriage, it is genuinely thrilling to have lessons like this shared with me and my partner at a young age so we don't have to learn them the hard way. Thank you, School of Life. You have been of such help.
Rejection of intimacy hurts deeply and does cause resentment. It also makes one feel unloved and unwanted, which in return starts diminishing the love you had for the person who rejected you . This video has opened my eyes
I feel this. I’m the one being rejected by my partner all the time, so much I don’t even try anymore I feel ashamed, insecure, unwanted and paralyzed when it comes to it. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that this will be just a growing relationship and not the person I’ll end up with. Saying goodbye to the future and life I saw with him it’s really hard and sad, like I’m beginning the mourning within the relationship.
If it is something on-going and you constantly get rejected, then of course, I understand that. However, if you can't take a no you shouldn't be in a relationship. That has to do with respect! Also, asking if it can wait until later in the day when you feel more ready is not a rejection at all.
@@vanidz13 I hope you have moved on and are doing better now . Unfortunately for me, it hasn’t worked out. Going to counseling I discovered he is what they call an avoidant personality
And that's how my marriage ended. Years of unreciprocated affection. All I wanted was to be touched. All I wanted was for him to sometimes say "Sure, yeah, lets sit together and watch a show/movie/play a video game." "Yeah okay, we can go on a walk and hold hands!"
I feel like my life might be headed in that same direction. 2 years together and I still have to beg for affection, to have my hand held, hugged, treated gently and with compassion. Whenever I raise these needs it turns into an argument or I get gaslit like I asked for something so wrong or so difficult. I don’t know how to initiate affection anymore without rejection from someone I love so dearly. I always thought maybe it’s because men and women have different needs, but it pains me to feel so unwanted.
@@siyasanga_makie I'm sorry to see anyone else have to go through this. :( It took a long time after for me to start feeling like I had worth and value again. It's not really a man vs woman thing. Some people just have very different "love languages" and sometimes it ends up not being compatible. I was neglected a lot as a child so time and attention are what I value most. Gifts, acts of service and words are all nice but it's not what I actually NEED to feel loved. My ex husband gave me very thoughful gifts but I needed his time and physical affection most. Trying to discuss it with your spouse is the right course of action of course but sometimes the language we use can feel threatening to others. Even if we're using the "right" language, sometimes people take things differently. If you can't seem to have a good conversation about it together, perhaps a mediator or a therapist can help facilitate the dialogue.
This is my relationship. Typical of the pursuer/distancer. Things are better now, but I actually had to send her a letter about how I need to hold hands, hug, greet each other at the end of the day, communicate at the dinner table. She now initiates sex about 10% of the time. She now initiates a card game or word game about 5% of the time. She is more of a loner, happy to do electronic crosswords or read by herself. We have two grown children. Now at 63 I often imagine myself with a woman who has a healthier attachment style.
I've been on both sides of this coin...within the same 25 year relationship. Shifting needs and even shifting physical abilities are a part of it. Children, daily life, and what you said to one another earlier that day, or didn't, can change things. This is a nuanced problem that can't be addressed in a short video. The one thing they got right...friggin talk about it. Even if you're pissed, or tired, or in pain, talk. If you don't, you won't like the conversation the other person will have in their own head without you.
Thank you for saying this. I felt the same when watching the video - it describes one possible scenario very well, but leaves out a dozen of possible others. Usually I would say, when two 'souls' connect without fear, the bodies will connect as well, but even that has its exceptions, such as with problems in day-to-day life as you said.
As a woman, I have a high sex drive. Thankfully my husband does too. We don’t just sleep at night, we have fun. We play throughout the day, teasing each other, etc. lol We have been together almost 15 years and it’s still a flaming fire between us.
The person who doesn't initiate or respond are sometimes using sex as a weapon to hurt the other by withholding love as a means of control. Im an attractive woman and have had this abuse happen in relationships. This doesn't happen right away, it happens slowly as the abuser learns what works best with you, so its confusing. This can happen even if you're confident and have healthy self worth.
Na No It really can be. I feel like women are more prone to external factors decreasing their desire, such as stress. Also, it can be hormonal changes that are happening or any other changes in like diet, exercise, mental health. So I would suggest having an honest conversation and giving it a couple months if she feels like it's just due To hormones or other physical changes. Otherwise, try to find out her truth about whether she's still attracted to you, bored of your guys sex, or into someone else.
There's also the feeling of being used for sex (majority on the female side for this one). Having someone barely talk to you all day, never give you kisses or caresses or flowers, never wanting to show any affection until at the end of the day when they're horny and they want to fulfill their own physical needs, it hurts. It feels like they're using you as an object to fulfill their own needs, which is why a lot of the sex-rejectors reject in the first place.
If someone is constantly rejected when they ask for sex why in the world would they give kisses or caresses or flowers? This is a vicious cycle and requires effort from both sides to fix.
@@cyrusp100The fact that this has even 8 likes scares me. The kisses and flowers should never be so you can have sex in the first place, it should be given because you love the person. Obviously you don’t respect the person you’re wanting to have sex with if you think their love is so transactional and refuse to show any love and kindness towards them unless they provide you that sex. Jesus…
@@montyeyesclosed How can you be so hypocritical? On the one hand you say that kisses and flowers should be given generously to the person you love - and I agree with you 100%. But then won't extend that to the person in the relationship who desires sex. As if one desire is mandatory and the other is unnecessary. Doesn't make any sense to me...
If only we could know if we're compatible BEFORE falling for someone and investing our time, energy, heart or finances. Unfortunately, discussing sexual appetite on the first date is considered taboo, but ironically enough completely acceptable to engage in... ahaha
Aneht Eiram I am finding if I move slowly with someone... Not moving in with them right away or sleeping with them very soon, that I can more clearly spot our incompatibilities since they have time to raise to the surface, before I'm too invested. I used to jump right in, but then I had to retreat so much faster and farther!
Night Shade that happens too. that's why it can be somewhat confusing for us humans. the plan doesn't always work. but sometimes, a plan with a backup plan might work. testing that theory now.
Studio Autio if you don't want to be alone, don't give up just yet. as humans we shift and change. I personally am more compatible with different kinds of people now than I was 10 years ago. I , for example, am less of a pain in the ass and most likely a better option as a mate than I was 10 years ago. so hang in there, it could be that you and / or potential mates just aren't ready for each other yet. we must ripen.
BOOM!! Sex by the 3rd date may mean we have compatible sex drives. Maybe. By 5th date or it is completely over. The fact of the matter is that Masturbation has consistently been the best sex I've every had. I have had many, many, partners, and the bonding, through sex, can sometimes make the sex and relationship FAR better than being alone. BUT, as it turns out this is always, always, temporary. Within a relationship masturbation is a way to keep things afloat, for a while, while the relationship either blossoms or dies. BUT masturbation should not stay in the relationship because: when there is "no juice" why in the flying heck should you be putting up with all her "squeezing" ? And if you think that women dont "squeeze" then you are BLIND, biased, or a moron. Yes, men squeeze too! But their squeeze is (typically) limited to the request for compassion, kindness, love, and sex. And that is what a *real relationship* is based upon -- NOT stealing all his sh*t (because you fail at money matters) , or prop'ing up your false narratives (because you are a liar), or making you feel worthwhile (because deep down inside you are a piece of worthless sh*t.) .. In short men are REQUIRED to improve themselves (by literally everyone.) While women are taken at "face value" 24/7 & have little motivation to mature & grow, and thus often fall back on the VaJJ for power & validation, leading to ever descending personal self-worth, so they reach out-side of themselves. Many ladies stupidly turn to political matters/ group (feminism for example) to justify their laziness. Ladies, you have a lot to offer!!! Much, much, more than your VaJJs!! Build yourself up (via moral means) , and watch your enlightenment & bliss grow by leaps and bounds. Doing this will not only make you fulfilled and blissful, it will make you the most valued partner a male could ever have. .. I write all this because our culture makes contain demands of males (typically to risk everything for the benefit of others) , giving males direction and meaning in their lives. It is unfair that (once morality got thrown away) that women do not have the same!!!
One of the most vulnerable things a person can do is to initiate sex. Whenever you refuse your partner, it has the potential to change your shared sexual relationship forever. So if you don’t want that permanent change, it is very important to give an explanation and to be gentle and reassuring about the future to your partner.
in my last relationship i felt like the only reason why my partner ever touched me was because they wanted to have sex- while other kinds of intimacy were important to me too. i sometimes just want to be held at night, when having a nightmare or just to feel comfortable. the person i am seeing currently understands that, and yes, sometimes it does evolve into something more sensual, but that's okay, because when i say "no" they immediately stop and just wait until i feel comfortable doing such a thing. it has nothing to do with my sex drive (we have a very healthy sex life right now) but it's just, sometimes i want to be held, and sometimes they want to be held too. communication about your wants and needs is the most important thing in any bond, be it friendship, dating or a more serious relationship. i've learned that sometimes saying no is okay, and better than doing something you don't want to do and you won't enjoy anyways. and because i say no from time to time, i am keeping my sex life healthy and pleasurable- and when i want to, i initiate as well!
You used the word "evolve" that's the word I've been looking for, for years. This video is very obviously from a man's point of view. That hand in the night creeps me out and kills any passion I may have already been feeling.. I need to feel love and safety first. Just get in bed and curl up with me, then let's see what evolves. Keep that protective loving embrace while initiating sex, otherwise I just feel like it doesn't matter to you who it is you're having sex with.
Oh shit. I just noticed that my boyfriend initiates more often then I do, especially romantic/sexual stuff. I was raised more timid and shy and therefore I never learned to initiate, sometimes even make fun of his initiation. Oops
I love how self aware you are. There are ways to heal the timidity and shyness so that you're naturally more confident in this area. Hypnosis, trauma release, energy work, womb healing. I pray you read this and research into trauma release therapy techniques. There will be the correct ones for you
@Lisa CivilDisobey We're taught to be this way, in most families and cultures. There are plenty of women here sharing they feel a lot of this rejection the video describes, because they have more libido than their boyfriends... The world has a lot of subtelty, it's not just black and white, nor hunters and preys ugh !
I'm glad I communicated this with my ex. She was personally offended and wasn't interested in my needs. It spared me more years of a toxic relationship.
Me and my boyfriend have totally different love languages, mine being touch and his is quality time. I’m usually the initiator and I sometimes feel depressed when I get turned down. My therapist helps me to not take it personally. Having a high libido as a female is difficult to deal with when your partner works a taxing job and is exhausted when they get home, communication helps immensely and sometimes I just need affection and ending the night with a few back rubs and a kiss is all we need.
It's the best time to watch something like this. Understanding why some of the signals that commonly happen in relationships, happen, gives you power to decide whether or not you want to proceed in a relationship.
Pretty hard to match a man and woman completely evenly. The male will almost always want sex alot more. But I think finding a balance is the way to go.
my bf rarely initiates cuddles or sex but that's bc im always the first to do it. im always excited and open to things and he likes to take his time and gets exhausted/introverted quickly sometimes. it feels ok to me tho because we talk about it and i now understand the reasoning he has. it just makes it all the more nice when he does send the first i love you text or makes the first hand hold to initiate a cuddle or hug. :3 make sure you always talk about concerns in a relationship, trust me, its super important and healthy
This is something that really hits home. I have struggled for a long time with low self-esteem and generally not asserting my needs in relationships. And that combined with being someone whose primary love language is touch I internalized my partner's dismisses to my initiation as a sign that I am unwanted/unworthy and unloved. I made those assumptions out of low self-esteem instead of realizing that it really had nothing to do with me, that he was exhausted and stressed from work which lowered his sex drive. Even though he told me time and time again how desirable I was, I could not truly accept it because of how I processed the information. Needless to say, my resentments built and it never did any good for us. I wish this was something that I could have changed, now in the future I will approach it in a different way. I will remind myself that there is no reason to be ashamed and that a work-around is possible.
I’ve recently realized so much more about why I get so many terrible feelings and thoughts coming up the nights I lay down in my bed with my boyfriend. The expectation I’ve subconsciously acquired of it being time for sex and the disappointment when it doesn’t happen for innocuous reasons is like emotional whiplash. I really had to analyze how I even view sex. To me, it’s like routine relationship upkeep that needs a quota and yeah it feels good and is fun, but at the same time it’s the most absurdly intimate and vulnerable thing I can possibly do with someone and it’s sometimes completely synonymous with closeness to someone else and their acceptance of me. Of course i want and need that closeness and acceptance so I should advocate for that right? Yet I’ve operated under shame my whole life. I should just shut up because I am not entitled to sex… which under my screwed up perspective means I’m not entitled to closeness or acceptance or being seen and heard. But these things need to be achieved within the individual first and foremost, but if you never had them steadily growing up you still need external sources to help you be confident enough to get there. Yes these things can’t be equated to sex but how can you possibly separate them?? You don’t? Not to mention I have to consider all of his perspectives and expectations on these things because we’re different people. I’m definitely overthinking it but this shit is fucking confusing for me. Thankfully I’ve gotten better at bringing these things up with my partner but holy shit it’s so hard not to shut down. Shame is so paralyzing. Navigating this is difficult because somehow I can’t even let my therapist know I have sex as an adult human but just divulged this entire crisis of mine on a public youtube comment section to a bunch of strangers. What the actual fuck
The issue isnt sex its your need for constant external validation. Just like obesity isn't caused by the need to eat..its caused by the compulsion to self soothe via food. When you compulsively need sex to feel OK with yourself, thats an issue. Your partners job isn't to validate your existence with their body. Thats super gross to even type out
I have this same exact problem. You just typed it out for me pretty much. It is paralysing when someone you love so much shuts you down repeatedly, refuses to do something that will not only be good for your relationship and strengthen your bond but also healthy for both parties involved, including the people that deal with you because having a healthy sex life, with your partner, does wonders for your mental health. It makes sense on so many levels.
I feel that what is said about the "initiator" can be brought over to the "initiatee". You don't initiate because you feel ashamed of yourself and you feel the other person doesn't want you anyway, no point in trying, avoidance/anticipating rejection.
one thing is a relationship problem the other is a personal one. if you dont initiate you are selfish and irresponsible. being afraid of acting is your personal problem and making other ppl do your part is unfair. if it is your problem you have to work on it, if it is a group problem the group share the responsibility.
@Mac Caw way to turn it around...oh the irony! So let me get this straight: fear of rejection is a valid excuse for the initiatee? What the hell do you think the initiator is risking every single time he/she initiates?!? Rejection! That IS the problem. By making him/her shoulder 100% of the initiation burden you are abdicating your responsibilities and forcing them to put their neck on the line, thus risking rejection every single time, while you get a pass. Once the initiator initiates, you -- the non-initiating initiatee -- are secure in the knowledge that YOU are wanted....but what about him/her? This is the whole point. Systematically failing to initiate, whatever the trumped up reason you have told yourself, is just the coward's way out. EVERYONE: save your relationship(s) and initiate already!!!
It's so interesting watching this as I've recently taken this approach to life. This not only applies in intimate relationships but in friendships too. I have promised myself that if I'm ever unsure of how a friend feels about me, I always seek to approach that person and have a civilized conversation about it. I have realized that jumping to conclusions about the other person based off of something trivial or because of something that the other person may have unintentionally done only leads to bitter relations and unnecessary tension. The key is to have open and frank dialogue about the way we feel, especially when that person is someone you truly care about. The sad part usually is when the other person lacks the maturity to have that conversation with you with an open heart and just becomes defensive of his or her actions without listening to you and trying to see the situation as objectively as possible. But at least that can be an indication of someone not capable of being your friend, since they aren't on the same level with you in that regard. It's all part of life I guess.
Hmmm. Whenever I talk to someone and they immediately change their attitude towards me, it feels a bit fake. Like theyre only changing because theyre called out on it. Maybe I'm still too immature for friendships.
but it hurts so much to move on when all signs are against it.. but it may hurt even more to stay as well. i just wished i didn't exist in the first place to not having to think about this every day
It's simple. If you're with someone who NEVER initiates, this person is wrong or doesn't have sexual needs towards you or simply has a complex you can talk about. Anyway, talk or quit. If someone initiates something, the other doesn't HAVE to respond if she/he doesn't want. But reassuring the person after that it's not because this person doesn't loves him/her that he rejected him/her might be good.
It's not just about being able to express what we want and need, it's also about remembering to let our partners know why we declined the invitation for sex and that we'd normally be keen for it but just cant due to exhaustion or whatever. Hold them tight, kiss goodnight.
Very true. I believe it's less the fact, that you as the initiator aren't getting sex, it's rather how the person communicates why they don't want to. If the passive partner still gives you the feeling, that you're desireable and loved even though circumstances temporarely keep them from having sex with you, it's so much easier to accept the rejection.
People tend to not think It's an issue but It really Is. Being intimate with the person you love Is like A drug, and when that person doesn't want to have sex as often It makes us feel like we are not wanted and then relationships end. I have a similar issue, my gf rarely wants to make love but If It was up to me we'd be making love at least 5 times a week. I'm starting to think about finding a partner who wants me as much as I want them. It's getting difficult to ignore those feelings of feeling unwanted.
im Abstinant waiting till marriage and ive learned something while waiting. _Never make _*_permanant_*_ choices and decisions with emotions or feelings that are only temporary._
I think it’s important to not take it personally, and if they keep declining and it becomes a regular thing then perhaps ask them if there’s something they want to talk about or if they know what’s getting in the way. Even if this doesn’t solve the lack of sex problem, it’s still being honest and open communication which is vital for all areas of your relationship to thrive anyway. Also if you both spend a lot of time together then I find they’re less likely to want it as often if they’re quite an independent person. Remember, distance creates desire!
Man. This hit home. My wife of 7 years seemed to grow increasingly distant in bed. Whereas in times past she would reach over for a cuddle or spoon at bedtime (or I would initiate) every night, over time I found myself with her back to me, unresponsive to my arm over her or pulling her close. Gone was the kiss associated with such moments. Over time she would delay coming to bed and I'd find myself staring at the ceiling alone. Eventually, I would awaken at 5 am only to see her coming to bed after a night of binge-watching Netflix. She eventually started driving for Uber, at night. All night. I was very slow to understand what was happening. I'd always been happy. I thought. Anyway, we've been separated for 1 1/2 years and our divorce will be final in the coming months. In the meantime I've found the sweetest Cambodian woman who gives me all the affection I want and need. I've spoken to her about this. The importance, for me, of touch at bedtime. It is so refreshing to feel desired again.
The moral of the story? Ensure you settle down with a partner who has a similar libido to yourself. I think many overlook this when getting into a relationship, it’s the catalyst that decides whether, when you run into problems further down the line, you run the risk of becoming the dreaded ‘just friends’, or not.
Good luck on that. Women have hormonal changes after giving birth and with them having lower testosterone levels you can forget about sex. Check out "The Female Brain" on Amazon
Sure this is important. But you need to figure out the root of the issue. You can find someone who Runs HOT but if there are other unaddressed issues in the relationship that can go cold anyway. It is only sometimes a problem of differences in libido. (and remember Libido can change over the lifetime)
@@CL-go2ji Health changes, that's for sure. But I'm still not sure what "libido" actually means. I can understand wanting it more or less, but I always want it a lot. My wife describes it the same way. The concept of not wanting sex is completely foreign to me, even when horribly sick. It just comes down to energy and priorities. I've even talked to some therapists about this and they can't give a straight answer because it means something different to every person. I am very curious about what others experience as "libido".
@@BenjaminCronceibido is basically sex drive. Having a high libido tends to mean the desire and willingness to have sex is a pretty consistent mindset. Low libido is when someone isn't often in the mood. Though it's important to distinguish that both of these things have their own extremes. Extremely high libido can lead to sex addiction. Extremely low libido can lead to no libido. I think most people probably fall in the middle. Like you, my libido has always been high. My partner's runs low to mid and sometimes it can make things difficult, especially because it's hard for me to imagine or understand what it's like to not have a high libido. I genuinely cannot relate to that feeling, but I understand the concept I suppose. Hopefully that helped
That was absolutely beautiful, & it brought me to tears. In my relationship, I can't even get a text response. It kinda feels the same, and when I address the need for a simple talk, I'm told that I'm needy, and he is tired. Cpls Counseling is out of the question with him, because he does not want to do the extra work. I recently read the essay about death that was posted, and it has made me seriously think of divorce, for my owe sanity. Thank you♡
People change, Jenny. People find themselves unknowingly taking their loved ones for granted. If he loves you he will listen and try to do better. If he doesn't, then I would plan an exit or plan for a lifetime of disappointment. :(
Communication is SO important. This video really outlines the emotionally catastrophic effects that feeling unwanted can have on someone who has poor self esteem and isn’t able to communicate. You can have the most amazing partner in the world, but if you don’t communicate what you want (and vice versa, if your partner can’t communicate what they want), then you are going nowhere. I also agree with the point many folks are making in the comments about love language; this is a concept from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. The book is written from a heterosexual, Christian perspective, but reading it with a grain of salt even a queer atheist like myself found it enlightening and helpful for ALL relationships.
The biggest issue ends up being over communicating when you start trying to explain how you feel. Suddenly it’s coercion, suddenly you’re needy, suddenly all the efforts you make are for sex and nothing else. Your actions are all now devalued and your partner feels like you’re overbearing. Using communication only to be gaslit sucks
Coming from the side doing the rejecting I can tell you it has everything to do with knowing he doesn't truly love me or anyone, he's disrespectful, won't hold a job to help me support our family, doesn't lift a finger to clean, is always belittling me, and he only wants to "hang out" when he thinks he can get sex. If he treated me well I'd have plenty of interest in sex, just as I did when we first got together.
I've had this issue with my girlfriend we have sex 3 or 4 Xs in a day, but than it's like 3 in the morning and she is waking me out of sleep for sex. I find it disrespectful when I explain that I'm tired and I need rest, but she keeps touching me and trying to get hard or if I am hard it's not an automatic sign to wake me up. I feel like an asshole for complaining about too much sex but shit man like I don't know it's too much. The backlash I get is insane and she'll say she just wants to cuddle and I will cuddle and then she keeps on touching it. It's super frustrating.
just be mindful it is a downward spiral. lack of sex leads to resentment leads to lack of sex. someone has to break the spiral or the relationship is doomed.
I agree. My ex wasnt responsible & put all the financial stress on me & i was doing the rejection too. It wasnt about physical attraction anymore, everything else in out relationship just pushed me away. Well; thats why he’s an ex!
And sometimes, one person is a narcissist who uses sex as a weapon to control and maintain power, blaming the other as the sole cause of every excuse used to block sex, intimacy, and create immense shame for not erasing and ignoring any interest in sex.
Seems typically common with the more attractive girls in school that figure they can receive nice things in return for intimacy and from that point onwards they have no reason to mature as a person, don't let your loneliness be seen fellas
It can also go the other way around. Pushing their SO into sex even when they soetimes do not feel like. Or accusing them for not loving enough if they decline. Been there and it is one of the things that make me lose interest in sex 100%.
@Gameitup Tothemax "This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more."
Sir, the things you do is infinitely valuable. Your channel is one of the very few, if not only the only one, that makes me think. Really think. Thank you so much for it. The questions you raise, the wisdom "generated" by us in our heads as well as whats is given by you, is unmatched. Please please keep doing what you're doing, you are without a doubt making a huge effort in making people better, wiser, even happier, more understanding of themselves and each other one person at a time. I really hope the impact done would much be so much bigger. You talk about important things, the stuff that really matters, and that is really nice. I do hope I will find the time to watch all of your videos properly - because they just deserve to - and think, and make conclusions, and be better to myself, and to my loved one, or even to others. Your guidance, voluntarily or otherwise, is very much appreciated. My hat's off for you and your team, sir. Take good care!
One thing i will say... most men wont like to hear it, but women with children, household duties, and many other things on her to do lists... have trouble putting that stuff aside in her mind. Scheduling times and days and planning can go along way. She can start to clear her mind and anticipate it if she knows there is a set time that she needs to be free. It helps with clearing her mind, it helps with her anticipation of it, it helps the husband know that she is willing to prioritize her time around his need. Women are different and cant always just drop what they are doing or clear her mind to enthusiastically enjoy her time with her husband. Once my husband accepted that im different and cant get into it if im worried about 100 other things, but i can clear my schedule and mind for that time with him and be fully present, he started to enjoy planning it. Its like planning a date in the beginning you knew what was on the agenda so it was easy. Start putting it back into your agenda. Women!!!! Your men need you! Men!!!! Your women arent like you! Compromise!
Best comment ever! Im saying this as a husband. It is amazing i never knew this while i was dating. Best to practice before children to then the house is clean after as well. Cuddles after ❤❤
My boyfriend and I are celebrating 6 years together in a few weeks. I can proudly say that he was my first. He is now 30 years old and low testosterone runs in his family...that being said, it was a slow and torturous 4 years I endured where our intimacy was completely gone. I chose to suffer and work through it out of my love and strength of commitment to our love, that I never cheated or anything like that. Recently, our intimacy has blossomed and my sister told me last night how much of a drastic and positive change she has seen in me since. It's night and day... and I'm so glad I stuck it out... This video mentions specifically the self hatred/shame that can arise in the sexually rejected partner. Rejection can make one feel ugly or not good enough or just simply, unloved/unwanted. I can't tell you how many times I would get so undescribably angry and disgusted with myself when I would desire my boyfriend because I knew that if I initiated intimacy, it would be rejected. I would also be so broken inside when I would desire my boyfriend BECAUSE I was the only one who had desire in the relationship... I'm a different woman having gone through all those years of pain.
Some people are more submissive than others. There are women that love to initiate and women that love to be pursued. Same for men. That’s when sexual compatibility comes in. I don’t like initiating - it feels so unnatural to me, borderline uncomfortable. Doesn’t matter how long I’ve been with the guy.
naturallybronzed xo . Yup! I never initiate and I won't be guilted or shamed into it, either. If my man would have a problem with it, he knows where the door is.
Yep same. I actually talked about it with my boyfriend, and he didn’t mind. That said, I literally almost never turn him down...so yeah. Yes he has to initiate, but I always enthusiastically say yes..and we usually do it 2-3x a day lol
(two girls in love) my girlfriend is very submissive and wont initiate, and when she tries to express her desire she gets so adorably flustered. im confident and i love to tell her what i'll do, and then do it. although being told by her that she wants it is comforting, what makes me happiest is when my initiation is only declined with "not here, not now. but.... later
This video touches me deeply. I have had vitiligo (skin pigmentation loss) my whole life, I have been ridiculed, called names, and made to feel disgusting. Some people even assume that it is contagious, or even worst an STD. Consequently, that being said that is the main reason my ex is my ex. My ex never initiated sex, my ex never reciprocated oral sex which all in turn brought back those childhood memories, and insecurity.
I’m surprised no one mentioned this in the comments until I read yours. This was the epitome of why my last relationship didn’t work (SA and religious trauma) and I didn’t realize it until after the relationship ended because of me not dealing with my past.
What I appreciate about this video is the pointing out of how important communication is and what can happen when the actions take place but neither party communicates how they feel. Many misunderstandings are left unchecked and free to fester as they ultimately create resentment.
It's kinda scary that I was just laying in bed in the dark with my significant other. Wondering how I can approach them about this. Since I drop constant hints but still only get it every 40 days. I open youtube and this is the first thing that appears.
I think hints are never a good thing in a relationship if you actually want to discuss a topic. If your partner should guess what you want, it's not going to work. I would say something like: 'there is something I want to talk to you about. It's a difficult topic for me, but please know that I'm serious.'
I mean, if I'm the only one who initiates sex constantly it gets frustrating. I feel unwanted. It's especially crappy when they constantly turn you down. When I tried to bring this up he started yelling at me every time. Now he's my ex.
My husband is the only one who initiates sex lately because he's stopped brushing his teeth. How are you suppose to be intimate with someone if you can't even bring yourself to kiss them?
This is part of why my marriage failed; she didn't respond and eventually I stopped trying. Nobody was getting the intimacy and romance that we needed and with that and the other reasons combined, I lost my best friend. Don't be afraid to communicate how you feel and what the issues in your relationship are. It might seem scary but losing your lover is worse.
perhaps there was something she wasn't getting from you that you can be sure to have for your next woman. Nice to have a woman BUT BE PREPARED TO PAY!lol
@@jamesmathai1138 Probably not; I don't think I'm strong enough. We have hung out a few times few months after we separated and though I still love her, I also have an equal amount of contempt for her and I'd rather not try and be a constant reminder; a living piece of nostalgia of good times but also, bad times. That's not fair to either of us. The School of Life has a video about this actually; ruclips.net/video/uTuDks4ogs0/видео.html
I often being rejected by my husband. I don't feel bitter or resentment really. He is often tired or just not in the mood. But he's still showing his love: hug and kiss me everyday, listen to my stories. I feel loved. I accept the fact that even tho I'm a women I have more libido than my husband.
My ex-wife only initiated ONCE in the ten years we were together. When I mentioned after the separation that she never initiated sex, she said "I thought I always had to initiate sex". It really led me to wonder what on earth she saw as "initiating", because it sure as heck wasn't physically or obvious in any way, shape, or form. Now that we're divorced, I've chosen to stay single until I find a woman who actually wants the real me around, rather than wanting her ideal version of a man, a marriage, and life.
So what? I would rather be with someone who has a beautiful personality, than being with someone who is "beautiful" on the outside, but ugly, boring, conceited, and intitleled, on the inside! I've been with several guys that society deemed unattractive.. Ive had people, ask me "Why are you dating someone like "that"? Or " It doesn't look right, you're pretty, and he'st ugly"! It pisses me off, and I could care less what anybody thinks, I had to learn that long ago. You have to do what feels right for yourself! What's the point being with someone who is gorgeous, but he's an asshole, and he doesn't make you feel loved, or appreciated? I've been there, done that, and trust me, it's not worth the time or energy.. it also seems like guys who are really attractive are 5× more likely to cheat! If you love that person, they are attractive in your eyes, and everybody else can go to hell! ☺️✨💜💛
I find it ridiculous that adults needed to be told what the video explained. It's quite obvious that if one half of the couple is not getting their need fulfilled, that they're going to feel hurt and rejected. Of course, airing of grievances is essential to healthy communication.
It’s really interesting to reflect on this having been the insecure person who hated myself with one relationship, and comparing that to now being a much more confident and mature person with a different relationship.
Thank you, Alain for explaining pithily a painful and difficult subject couples encounter. This may be the only way one can finally get through to be understood and open up a much-needed conversation!
Please make more videos on dealing with inner shame. I always feel like I'm not acceptable even when there's enough physical reciprocity in a relationship. I want verbal appreciation too and on the bad days I'm really just suicidal because that part of me thinks I don't deserve to exist.
It's horrible when you can't express your needs to your partner when you are scared of them because you probably know they will reject your needs and then they deflect the blame back on you. Even though it's not you who is with holding affection, intimacy and emotional support
I've lived this. It's really hard. In a married with children relationship there are no good options. Accept it and live with the pain, cheat, divorce and break up your family. All awful choices.
Agree. Living with it for 20 years now. Always a hope and a promise it would change. It doesn't, not really. I'm burned out now so i don't have the energy to be bothered whether we do or don't. Sad but i kind of accept i will never have the sex life with my husband that i dreamed of.
Honestly, once youre heart is broken so badly that it can barely feel anymore, that can be a good thing. Ever since it happened to me, I can just shrug off rejection without feeling pain about it.
When at an inappropriate moment my husband tried something sexual and I declined, I was told, "if you turn me down somebody else will not". He was caught by me in our business with a client doing the same inappropriate move. I cannot express the pain in words.
I’m sorry to hear this... but why did u decline him? In what way? That matters too... if u declined too many times, there’s something wrong between you two and you should have spoken about it... if u declined just once and he does that, i think that he was hurt about the way u rejected him and wanted to have some sort if revenge in you. Good luck with it!
I would just like to thank you for this video. These are things I've dealt with that no one talks about. Its a very lonely topic, so I'm glad you covered it.
I was getting older and “not in the mood” and I noticed he quit “trying” and so I asked why? He said he was tired of being rejected. And so I tried three different times and three times he refused and it made me cry and feel horrible. And he said.. he turned me down three times and I couldn’t take it and how many times have I turned him down.?? I bawled I never ment to hurt him. We have NEVER had this problem ever again. I will forever make him feel loved wanted and NEVER will I say no just because I don’t “feel like it” I never “want to” but once we do I feel better. I sleep better and we r closer!!
this is where I'm at right now. I always have to because "she is too shy to start" her words. So I for almost 15 yrs have had to get the ball rolling. I tried being more romantic, writing letters every day, getting little gifts. I still think deep down it is because I have become un-attractive to her. or that I'm not good enough. just typing this is hard. thanks for sharing I know it is hard to do.
Every man should read the "Rational Male" by Rollo Tomasi. You will be glad you did. Essential learning. In it you will learn why you should leave in this scenario. You cannot negotiate desire. Once you do it becomes an obligation and you will forever chase away what you wanted. So if the partner is a cold fish, just go
Doesn't desire change depending on the situation too? If your partner is depressed and has a severely decreased sex drive it sounds senseless it leave because "You cannot negotiate desire." What if the reason the partner who isn't attracted to his/her partner is because they had become unhealthy, unfit and overweight and what it would take would be for than partner to get in shape? Logically the first step to finding a solution is to identify the problem before making a drastic choice such as ending a relationship. Why am I wrong?
Rollo Tomasi is most definitely a pseudonym. It’s a clever one, as it comes from LA CONFIDENTIAL, where it is also a made up name, one a character gives to give name, substance to the unspeakable.
I’m a senior in college and I’ve never been in a relationship. It’s lonely sometimes, but I’ve learned that you do not need to be with someone else to justify your own self worth.
There is a really interesting term I had come across in another youtuber's video. "Bids for connection" are certain things that we do or say to another person that shows them we are willing to connect. This is the perfect and most intimate example of a bid for connection. When we don't meet these bids regularly we gradually feel like the other person doesn't love us anymore. Healthy couples meet each others bids 8/10 times in a day.
I have been with my husband for 31 years. He is always the hottest guy in any room. I think “initiation” goes deeper than a hand sliding across the bed in the dark. It’s texts throughout the day, it’s kisses hello and good-bye. It’s telling someone they look good or copping a quick feel at the grocery store when no one is looking. It’s a quickie on the couch when the kids are out or telling your guy you are going commando. It’s taking care of yourself and each other. It’s putting your phone away and eating dinner together. It’s the sum of soooo many little things. It’s prioritizing each other over everyone else (once kids are old enough not to need-need their parents). Spending time together and having a solid bond so that communication comes naturally makes for a mutually satisfying interpersonal as well as physical relationship!
Susie Klein yes there is so much yes in this well written paragraph.a woman who understands that it is a 2 way street is quite refreshing
damn y’all kinky
So true. It's very hard to open up to sexual experiences when there's mistrust, hurt feelings or resentment between the parties involved. Taking systematically care of the tone of conversation and letting the other one know how much you love, desire and appreciate them is very important.
Different languages. I like it!
Thats beautiful!
The feeling of being unwanted can easily turn someone bitter
Oh Marksman but people tend to not understand that. Being wanted, touched, and desired are genuine human NEEDS not wants. And yet if we’re upset about not getting our need met we’re the assholes.
Oh Marksman yep something I know first hand
Totally it's got to be addressed or its not gonna end well
I haven't been rejected
But I'm guilty of the occasional
Oh if you must sex 😬
Not now not now I am older and with a very hot partner with a high sex drive and it's never just because it's been a few days
I love it and I understand that I didn't because they were selfish lovers and I didn't feel comfortable asking for something else 🤣 cheated for years
Looks like Incel talk. Report to ur nearest feminist indoctrination camp for immediate castration.
I feel you
I'm turning out ok though
There is no worst feeling that feeling unwanted. To feel bad or dirty for initiating or even asking without any action following up to it. I feel like such a simple denial can take away so many layers of self-confidence. Very difficult to accept.
Or you could just talk about it!! don't just assume things that's the number one killer in relationships
Yes especially in long term relationships with avoident partners who are more closed down. I spent years thinking my husband was just no longer attracted to me after I had our children, but once we finally felt open and talked he said he's usually just tired or stressed. It's still mostly a battle within myself not to jump to conclusions.
This struck a nerve with me. I haven't initiated with my wife in years. I don't feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with her. I can admit it here but I am ashamed because... due to this lack of closeness I feel because we have grown apart and not constructively communicated, I couldn't perform for her. I can get excited for other women physically but I have developed a physical aversion to my wife. The thought of even kissing her makes me recoil. The sad thing is, she is very sweet and selfless...she is moral and giving and a great mom. But... I cannot see myself with her. She could get a better man but I am scared to leave her and our daughter alone. I would give them both houses (one is a rental drawing a nice income) to ensure they were both financially secure for life and Id be close. But I still feel like I am abandoning them. But can I take this for another 40 or 50 years to be on my deathbed consumed by regret?
@@whatareyoulookingat908 thank you for sharing. There is nothing wrong with being 'wrong' in a relationship, or being 'disgusting stupid or dumb. Sometimes I have to be these things in a relationship if I am going to take up any space at all in the relationship.
I am a fairly young(27 year old) South African man. For me, risking being hated is a form of emotional labour. It is something I can do as a man in my relationships. There are times that I can be delicate and sensitive but not at the expense of my own self-worth. When my heart and my gees(my passion) start to flounder then I am not doing anybody any favours.
Thanks again for sharing. We are all walking each other home.
@@TheDuncskunk Thank you for your kind words. Keep that head help up proudly... you will do well with such sensibilities and awareness, my friend. : )
The feeling when you calmly try to talk about the situation and are met with open hostility is absolutely crushing.
Yup… I hate being the only one that wants it
It just happened to me
@@hamilton9651 it only leads to more sadness coming from someone who’s been celibate
I get your pain all too well, my wife does the same stuff. I expressed to her exactly how I was feeling and what I wanted, even genuinely asked her if there were any areas i could improve in or what she wants. All I got in return was her questioning if I’m playing some sort of game with her and my soul is completely crushed and I don’t know what to do. She’s the only one I want for the rest of my life
@@mattlaflamme4774 I'm really sorry you had to deal with the feelings from something like that. From what you said it appears you did exactly what you should have by communicating your needs and feelings directly, openly and honestly. Based on the info given, esp asking if you need to improve anything, it sounds like you avoided blaming her.
Is this standard behavior and/or her normal response when you approach her regarding your feelings or needs, or when you say something she could perceive as criticism? If so, your problems go way beyond the bedroom and into the realm of a partner who dismisses your feelings and needs - by the sound of it possibly in manipulative ways.
If she tends to be receptive and/or this behavior isn't consistent with her personality, I'd suggest exploring further. It could be she's harboring hurt and/or resentment based on any number of things. Maybe she feels you aren't prioritizing (or are even minimizing) other areas of the relationship she values. She may be feeling unappreciated or undervalued. Or she could feel like you aren't actually attracted to her based on (in)actions, not complimenting her looks, making comments she interprets as critical of her body, or even you not initiating often (or her perceiving it that way either bc you are going about it in ways that are too subtle for her to realize that's what you're doing, or you initiate less frequently than you used to). It's also possible she feels you have more sexual interest/attraction toward other women, perhaps through wandering eyes or porn. Or she may feel unappreciated or unsupported outside the bedroom, leading to resentment.
I've heard it said many times before that for most women foreplay starts outside the bedroom - as in feeling emotionally supported and secure, having equal division of labor (ex: if both partners work chores are shared equally), and showing interest in/prioritizing all aspects of the relationship (not just the sexual). For example expressing appreciation for what she does, how she makes you feel, and the wonderful qualities she has. Maybe taking time to show her you care just randomly, preferably by doing things that relating to her love language. Examples might include taking some of her normal responsibilities off her shoulders by doing them yourself, surprising her with little gifts, or randomly leaving mini love-notes/post-its aroundwhere she'll find them. So many of my female friends have mentioned what a turn-on they find it to be when their partner does more than their normal share of the chores unprompted.
So if her response was out of the norm for her, or it doesn't fit her personality, maybe try to pursue that communication further. If conversations often get too heated between you two, or this issue seems particularly complicated or fraught, maybe write a letter instead of talking. Ask how she feels about this specifically, and if there's anything else she may also be hurting/upset about in your relationship. Ask why what you said was upsetting for her (like if you've inadvertently done something that hurt her without realizing) and what it was that made her question if you were playing some sort of gane.
Of course all of this is based on very limited information from a short post from only one of the points of view. That's why I tried to include a variety of possibilities (thus making this unfortunately long). So if there's something major you left out, like you cheating, or talking down to her/emotionally abusing her and harming her self-esteem, or even something a bit less extreme, that's a you problem. Meaning you need to look within yourself, reflect on why you've acted that way, how your actions have impacted your girlfriend, and why you felt OK asking that of her and focusing on your feelings rather than what she's been through. Then focus on healing any rifts she feels need healing.
To be clear I really meant no insult or accusation with that last paragraph. I just felt I ought to include it if I was including all those other possible explanations/scenarios (but to be clear I also feel it could very well be a result of misunderstanding). Particularly since that comment about playing a game is so odd and specific. It definitely sounds like it comes from a place of hurt, which often comes out as anger, along with a dose of seeming to interpret your actions as inconsistent/incompatible (unless she's just being mean and/or manipulative).
In any case, best of luck to both of you.
I’ve NEVER been rejected when initiating. Then again it’s only me who’s there
lol
😆
😂😂
:-D HAHAHAAAAA Yay! The unexpected hilarious one that give a deep belly laugh are the best!
Epic
From I've learned from the School of Life: Whether politics or romantic relations or art or philosophy, LACK OF COMMUNICATION is at the core of external and internal conflicts.
No, we don't lack communication. People communicate in all different ways and levels, often non verbally. Too many of us think that talking is the ONLY way we communicate; it isn't. We're communicating all the time, through our actions, behaviour, body language, presence; whether it's being recognised or decoded accurately though is the real issue.
shame, is the worst
@@toomuchinformation not true. You need to communicate, you can't just expect people to guess and expect your needs to be met.
@@thisisntallowed9560 I didn't say that, only that there are different modes of communication which are often unacknowledged.
How exactly is it at the core of internal conflicts? I don't see how that's even possible?
My ex of 14 years broke up with me in bed, in the dark, by pushing me away when I went to initiate contact, then telling me he wanted to be with someone else. For some reason that moment in the dark of being pushed away by the person you cuddled with for so long was especially painful.
sorry man
So sorry you had that experience that’s very painful.
I can imagine.. It was a very vulnerable moment. :(
Damn sorry about that
Ouch
Not just in romantic relationships, even with friends when you're the one always initiating plans and no one responds to you. Or they agree on some day then back out last moment. Makes you feel the unwanted person in the group
True
It's even worse if you have a mild schizophrenia.
Because you are
It is painful. But it means that you need to search for another friends who need you.
@@Lapusso650Not necessarily. I am someone who has been guilty of not reaching out to friends and canceling plans, and it's not because my friends are not awesome/fun/likeable people. The issue lies with me and my own depression, anxiety and insecurity. Sometimes I am so caught up in the problems directly in front of me, in my day-to-day existence, that making space for anything else can feel ridiculously overwhelming. In platonic relationships, just as with romantic ones, clear communication and mutual understanding are key.
1. Communicate your needs.
2. Don't take everything personally
3. Don't hold your breath (added by J M in the replies)
Most of The School of Life videos requires a comment like this
Thanks
True but I take criticism harshly lol
Amen
@@thephilosopher5799 Work on it, it's not a dead end personality trait 😊
@@sajjadhaqCC the video is going thru and explaining how these situations are created and continue and why...at the end they give the advice. so many times we're given the tools to the solutions we wish to solve, but not many videos walking people thru the ins and outs of specific situations and how it's created or the feelings of those involved. im not articulating myself well tho, sorry. i just appreciate the perspective so much
Sex doesn't begin in bed in the Darkness. Making love begins during the day. It begins by showing respect to your partner. Begins by showing compassion to your partner. Asking them what they need during the day how can I help them, Etc. Having been ignored all day, I'm not likely to respond well to a hand slid across my arm in the Darkness.
Very stupid
Yes. I told my husband I need to be noticed in the daytime not just at night before bed. He said that was too much work. Now we never have sex
@@Peppermon22 And your husband is right. Too much things to wrap your head around before having access to your wife is just exhausting. The less you satisfy a man's sexual needs, the more he'll be distant to you.
@@criserland I think its only the pretty women who get all the attention during the day...and of corse in the night...so maybe 1 out of 10 women.
@@user-yk5xu8gr1e sadly most men are desperate
I think rejection in the bed room starts from what happens outside the bedroom. It can’t be only a matter of different physical needs.
Well said. In a healthy relationship, there would be great verbal communication which would lead to healthy relationship in the bedroom.
Or it could be narcissism
ask the Etruscans explain?
@@spicybrown75 Doesn't have to be verbal. In fact more often them not less talking gets better result.
Priyanka Niwas yep. When a wife is the only one taking on the emotional labor and taking care of the domestic space, they become so exhausted at the end of the day there just isn’t enough energy for sex. Men who feel there are being rebuffed should consider what other parts of the relationship they are letting fall by the wayside. Participating in chores and taking care of the kids could actually get you laid.
Better to be alone than to be with someone that don't want you
i think so
Yeah we got hands 😂lol
absolutely
You’ve gotta learn somehow
Yoo, for realsss. THIS.
I'm 29 and want to say that a lot of these videos you post are lessons we learn the hard way from about 18-26, and only if we put a lot of work into ourselves. We waste a lot of our 20s shedding the misconceptions we have about life and the way things work. If only 'emotional intelligence' was a regular part of public schooling - we would be a better world, and more grateful for not wasting so many years, scrambling to make sense of it all. Thank you for these videos!
I totally agree. Emotional intelligence is something that should be taught or at least brought to light, early on in life - and should be a priority just as maths and other school subjects. Sadly, however a lot of the lessons have to be learned through experience. I was a stubborn one in my early 20's lol listening to my mom and friends could have saved me a lot of heartache and time!
@Atari Ferrari Same age as you and I definitely agree! We turn to crap like porn due to being sexually frustrated instead of using that sexual energy to work on our inner selves. Yeah, I feel like my 20s were wasted on frivolous shit. Not porn, but it might as well have been porn.
Atari Ferrari well... Sorry, Kiddo, it’s more in the range of 12 - 62... after 62 is when we *start not giving a F_k...
So well said
Exactly. Couldn’t agree more.
I used to be the one initiating all the time. I addressed it, and it really did seem like he just didn't care. He told me that "maybe you just have a higher libido than me. well, that just sucks for you". So i stopped talking about it and completely stopped initiating sex whatsoever. We haven't had sex i months. Honestly, i just don't care anymore. Really thinking about breaking up because i'm not happy in this anymore. :(
You said that he said "well, that just sucks for you" but a problem for one of the people in a relationship is a problem for both. So he is clearly wrong. If he is interested in the relationship which I assume he is since he hasn't broken up with you your problems are his problems.
cut her loose!
Same here! He says that sometimes he just simply "isnt in the mood" to have sex or "simply dont want to"
And lately he dont even want to go down, so the poor times we got sex is boring
Sex was one of the few things that got me there, but now I think I deseeve a LOT more than this, its a damn fucking horrible situation
Yikes you deserve to be close and intimate with your partner
Girl take yo fine ass elsewhere where it’s gon be appreciated!! You can break up and date your own damn self until you’ve figured some shit out about yourself. That’s when your real partner will step in and sweep you off your feet 😎 don’t worry, just let go and love a little. Life is short. You are worth it 🤗 have no regrets but be safe and enjoy it all. Goodluck! xx
The comment sections are equally as enlightening... Seeing people share their real-life experiences on the subject discussed.
Totally, this channel seems to have a lot of good comments. It is like an extended discussion.
I find half of ppl comment on the title without watching it’s frustrating
Actually it’s all about the comments!!
True ❤
This feeling of being unwanted and disgusted by oneself really hurts
Its can be even harder for the person that finds them disgusting to bring up the issue and address it :(
Before even watching this i'm just gonna say....Communication is Key, always. 👌
Communication skills or i say extraordinary communication?
Kaze USE
YOUR
COMUNICATION SKILLS
@@hectorg.7282 I have 0 communication skills plus iam introvert. what should i do and how can i become effective communicator or how can i know that what other person actually want from me whom i met first time whether if he/she come to me or i go to her?
ALWAYS 👌🏼👌🏼
What stands in the way of communication sometimes, is the fear of showing vulnerability. Or if it might seem unmasculinely or weak. But I guess the thing to say in that case is "I care about this relationship enough that I want to resolve issues, rather than make a conlusion w/o talking about it". Yet it still requires overcoming that fear and a bit of trust in your partner, friend or another close one. Thinking out loud.
9 years i was in a relationship like this all the way up to 33, i am 35 now and i am loving life!!!! Do not stay in something you are not happy with!! Do NOT waste your time!! Its more valuable than you think X
Easy to say when there are no kids involved....
These days it's not that hard to avoid pregnancy with the pill, the condom, diaphram, the rythm method, so many options!
@@svasianfilipiname6603 best of all...tying the tube 😄
@@user-yk5xu8gr1e I was just saying I think there are peaceful ways to co-parent. 🙂
@@svasianfilipiname6603 oops...and I got all technical on how to avoid pregnancy 😬😬😆
Both sexes need to initiate.. as a sign or respect and to validate the other. The real issue is we tend to overlook initiation unless is super obvious🤔
...or overlook uninitiation in the fear of being alone.
Moses Emmet On the other hand, no one is a mind reader. It is impossible for a person (including a lover) to ALWAYS know another person’s thoughts and feelings. And sometimes the lover really can be too tired or otherwise temporarily don’t want to initiate or respond.
So if someone is easily offended or ashamed by his/her partner’s occasional lack of response, then really there is some deeper and more serious personal problems to deal with, in order for that person to have a sustainable healthy relationship.
Ideally sex is not performed to validate another, but is engaged in when MUTUALLY DESIRED.
And if you're not mature/comfortable enough to openly discuss sex with your partner, then something is very wrong.
The initiation part is so true. It is way too easy to overlook the subtleties of human need. But yeahh idk how valuable it is to incorporate the matter of what sex or sexes are involved in the relationship at hand.. ??
My bf is trans. Personally, for me at least, in a discussion on emotional needs, adding in biological sex sounds a little odd for relationships that have the same emotional elements but different sex and gender dynamics at play.
It's funny that you say both sexes: I'm not sure if it's a matter of gender... but I guess it could be. This is the case: I'm currently dating a men, where it seems that when I am (as a female) beein initiatly, he for the most part turns me down - even tho he seems to want to it as well (at least how I perceive it). It's really frustrating, because I think it has something to do with power and control....Some how, me trying to seduce him seems to make him feel out of control or something. But now I feel 'left out', because I don't really have a say in it.. Unless I kind of "trick" him into thinking it was his idea, but that's exhausting and also I'm not sure how I feel about tricking someone into wanna have sex.....
We live in a society with a communication problem within our families. I hadn't told my siblings I loved them since I was 8 years old. I'm now 23 during the quarantine and I barely had a heart to heart with both my sister and brother and told them how much they mattered to me, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I kind of resent my parent's ignorance while raising us. They didn't even study a little bit of psychology in children or adults. You need to teach your children the importance of communication and knowledge.
Better a too late remedied at age 23, then a too late whispered to gravestones. Enjoy, you are wiser than your boner!
Well your parents probably did the best they knew from where they were. Now you are 23. You are an adult! What will you do to fix it? Or you prefer to blame your parents forever and abstain from changing?
Absolutely agree. These are the most important things to teach children.
@@allwhatilove914I think OP is doing the best from where they are, too. their resentment is not necessarily always blame. people can be bitter and working through emotions, as well. a several-year pandemic upending the lives of people is a reasonable catalyst. change does not always come all at once.
Exactly 😢 it's really sad on the part of parents too. I'm a teenager so I understand that really well especially when u in a bad mood but they don't even notice 😞 they just do whatever 😞. It really hurts 🤕. I don't think I can ever treat my children like dat cuz to me it's so wrong. I wanna create this open relationship with all of children [if I give birth to any]. Kids are very keen to how their parents behave and treat them I wouldn't want a situation where my child will think I hate him/ her even though I'm not. I know life is hard but at least giving ur child 20 minutes of ur time shouldn't be too much to ask 🥺😢. Here my parents don't really av time for me at all they don't even take time to know me sometimes my parents forget my own birthday 😞 even though I'm their child they don't remember dat but me I know theirs really well from the age I could remember things well. If they can't keep little things like my birthday date what exactly do they know about me 😞😢
Should I send this to my bf? this is how I feel but I'm too scared. This video explains exactly how I feel, and covers everything.
Send it!!!!!
If he is not willing to listen then it would be pointless but if you truly love him then you should be willing to initiate or engage with him.
If you're too scared to speak up, you can't get disappointed after learning he really isn't a mind reader.
Walk around the place naked!
yes
When you’re watching this even if you have always been single 🤷♀️
XD true
better to learn from the mistakes of others
Better to make your own mistakes and have the experience, than to learn from others mistakes and not have the experience. That's what life's all about, right? Our opportunities for growth often come through mistakes and realizing our faults. Sometimes it takes a partner to point those faults out to us. For those of us who aren't ready for that step- We have "The School of Life" It at least gets you thinking about this stuff and actively working on changing yourself so that one day you can build a meaningful relationship with someone.
mistakes can be costly - create permanent, irreconcilable damage, knowledge from the mistakes of others can help you get it right the first time.
Still handy
Such an important topic! It matters also when partners have a different love language and if one only feels appreciated with physical touch and the other's love language is different (like giving gifts or quality time together), the troubles appear. Knowing our own love language and our partner's one is very important for a healthy relationship. Helped my relationship a ton!
@@hectorg.7282 all these things you mentioned should be communicated. Like saying you need to be alone because you need that shiit to stay sane. you should negotiate on these stuff you feel not just sit back and let you're feelings take it cuz that shiit will build up without you even knowing and consume you. If you have a problem you talk about it its as simple as that but sometimes its difficult to admit you even have one or some other bullshit that prevents you from talking about it idk just ranting :v
@@hectorg.7282 all these things you mentioned should be communicated. Like saying you need to be alone because you need that shiit to stay sane. you should negotiate on these stuff you feel not just sit back and let you're feelings take it cuz that shiit will build up without you even knowing and consume you. If you have a problem you talk about it its as simple as that but sometimes its difficult to admit you even have one or some other bullshit that prevents you from talking about it idk just ranting :v
It appears that u understood the video can u explain it to me I didn't get anything :-\
Good point Quick Fix! Not everyone speaks the same love language so there can be misinterpretation and even that feeling of "Ugh, my partner is pawing at me again... Why?" if people don't show love the same ways.
Yes. I think so. Thanks so much for helping me seeing it.
I'm a lot more affectionate towards my current boyfriend than I probably anyone else. In other relationships I would quickly loose connection because they would stop showing any interest in being affectionate. Even just a kiss on the cheek, a hug, shit even a smile at me will work. I never felt comfortable being big spoon because I'd had people who got annoyed with me about it. One guy even yelled at me just for hugging him from behind. My guess was insecurities about being seen as week or something, cuz that's what most guys say. But it would always take a toll and I'd pull away because I'd feel unwanted.
My current boyfriend is just the best. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and still are the same amount of affectionate as we were at the start, maybe even more. We don't have sex a lot but we both are normally just happy with cuddles. I don't normally see couples that have been together for longer than a year show as much affection, so at first I thought maybe it was weird. Honestly I wish everyone could find that kind of relationship whether it's platonic or not, no one deserves to feel unwanted
Is things still going well
LoL it's not weird,it is like that in every healthy relationship.
Hope you guys are still going strong.
@Ketikatz how are y'all doing now?
I know exactly what you mean, I'm in a similar relationship (2,5 years now). I always thought I came from a cuddly active family, but when I look at his cute behaviour sometimes... I think he turned me into a more cuddle-appreciating person than ever before, haha.
So my point is: There are those kinds of people. You just have to find them.
Very insightful and familiar. I'm married to an asexual. Communication, love and having an open mind is what has kept us together for 26 years.
Omg I can't handle being with this man. He rarely initiates sex.
Amazing!
U guys didn't have sex for all these years??
I'm glad you don't cheat
Id like to know more .. how does it works ?
for no reason I started crying when you were saying at 2:36 that "other person find us Disgusting"
my heart was aching in agony and shame...
I feel you...
❤️
Hugs Maxstor.
I know what you mean
Maxstor been there as well
I’m in a relationship with someone that we both have a difficult time initiating. The shame we feel asking for it is so engrained into our self esteem it’s hard to say the words or slide that hand over. But once we do it’s a beautiful thing to experience. I just don’t know how we begin to get over that fear of rejection.
I feel that shame too. I grew up in a household where I, a female, was submissive. When I got my first boyfriend, everyone made me feel so deeply, horribly ashamed when I even hugged him in front of them. When the topic of pregnancy and sex came up, it was talked with shame and disgust because I'm a girl. That it's normal for men to want sex, but somehow it degrades a woman?? Even after that relationship ending, I feel ashamed for wanting an intimate relationship with someone.
@@betzabesuazo9784 I actively hate it that woman are depicted like we are whores when we want to get physically. I bash it every time I come to hear something like that. I enjoy sex I initiate and freely speak of it. I'm so happy that I found a partner that likes me like this and I love him so much. I enjoy everything.
we women are human too and have a right to it. life is to short. I don't blame you btw I just hate this side of society.
you should never be ashamed for seeking and craving intimacy. it's totally normal. we need it like every other living being on this planet.
My living partner and I like to get each other's engines running but then driving the car home ourselves. It's actually been satisfying. We both finish and if one doesn't it's fine. I always feel bad driving in the same car. Maybe not during but after. I always feel bad for one reason or another.
@@betzabesuazo9784 I feel the same way. I know this is a year later, but my parents are strict on sex. They tell me if I have sex that I lose my innocence and that men only want me for sex. So everytime I try to start a relationship it ends because he thinks I don't want him because I won't sleep with him but I'm really scared thats all he wants😭
@@ytsejam58 that metaphor got bad pretty fast
I might as well be celibate. This kind of rejection feels horrible. The worst part is talking about this every few months & partner doesn't care and it doesn't get resolved. 😭😭😭
Omg yes. It makes you feel horrible!
i know somebody that was told to get a hobby and also they said to their partner i feel like a prostitute
Maybe get one they care
@@ratgrandma6540 That sounds really harsh, although maybe the prostitute comment could be that they felt the only times they got physical touch or positive attention was when their partner wanted sex.
I've been doing that for 20 years. He's my best friend but I also feel sad that I wasted my own 20's and 30's basically celibate.
I think this video sort of misses touching on why someone might consistently reject sexual advances. It might not be a lack of warmth or interest, but a result of other issues in the relationship. If one person feels ignored, under appreciated, or otherwise unsupported, sex won’t be a welcome suggestion and having more of it wouldn’t fix that. And leaving the relationship to find someone more sexually interested will likely just lead to a repeat of the same cycle and end up the same way as things get more serious and routine (unless you find someone too unhealthily dependent on you to assert their needs).
Kiyo i agree with you . My husband had asperger síndrome and his lack of empathy make me feel in complete isolation I have zero libido . I don’t want to be touch And I feel guilty because he said to me that I don’t desire him . I feel that all the problem is me he have already a divorce and he never had sex with her ex wife she doesn’t want to be with him . I guess for the same thing. I been suffering like one tear now for endometriosis and I feel so terrible ten days I’m normal and the rest of the month I feel like a piece of meet . This make me feel insecure . I don’t want go out with people because I’m scared to find somebody that emocionatly understand me . I feel afraid that he can be with other girl for sex . I’m just worry .
Kiyo, yes, completely this!
@@ThePhoenixTube007 if you don't want sex why don't you marry someone who is a sexual
I think not having sex just makes things worse. Much worse. The easiest way to destroy your relationship when its in trouble is to withhold sex as a form of punishment. Sex is a form of emotional bonding, it's not just a physical act, if it were we wouldn't fall in love with people and continue to want to fuck them to begin with. You're trashing your relationship by rejecting sex, you're making the gulf wider between you. I intentionally stopped having sex with my ex so I could make myself break up with him. There is no way I could have left him, no matter how bad things got, if we continued having sex. So if you're not determined to leave, and you think things are still fixable, then keep having sex with your partner because you're just creating more distance by removing that part of your relationship. If a relationship is a house, sex is the foundation, any therapist will tell you something like that.
@@Android-ds9ie yeah I think asexuals and people with low libidos should go somewhere and find each other, because their expectations of sexual humans is unrealistic at best.
That unwanted feeling boi, thats that hurt foreal.
Nick Serio i know, boi
@@atomicbrain9401 yeah boi thats that shit make u wanna send a late night text to yo grandma boi
Nick Serio haha everyone can feel rejected sometimes but you shouldn’t take it to heart
@@mb4692 thats easier said than done boi
Nick Serio sorry to sound insensitive but that’s the most effective way of dealing with it... it’s the only way in order to protect yourself and self esteem.
As a twenty-year-old going into marriage, it is genuinely thrilling to have lessons like this shared with me and my partner at a young age so we don't have to learn them the hard way. Thank you, School of Life. You have been of such help.
Harlequin Grim e don’t get married. Enjoy your 20’s.
@@marthasilva4493 I'll do as I please, thank you very much.
Oh okay. Damn. Hold on. Let me call her. I need to tell her the wedding is off and we're done. @@Jakeonite
Congratulations 🙂 I wish you all the happiness.
You do you, man. Good luck!
Rejection of intimacy hurts deeply and does cause resentment. It also makes one feel unloved and unwanted, which in return starts diminishing the love you had for the person who rejected you . This video has opened my eyes
I feel this. I’m the one being rejected by my partner all the time, so much I don’t even try anymore I feel ashamed, insecure, unwanted and paralyzed when it comes to it. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that this will be just a growing relationship and not the person I’ll end up with. Saying goodbye to the future and life I saw with him it’s really hard and sad, like I’m beginning the mourning within the relationship.
@@vanidz13same here
If it is something on-going and you constantly get rejected, then of course, I understand that. However, if you can't take a no you shouldn't be in a relationship. That has to do with respect! Also, asking if it can wait until later in the day when you feel more ready is not a rejection at all.
@@vanidz13 I hope you have moved on and are doing better now . Unfortunately for me, it hasn’t worked out. Going to counseling I discovered he is what they call an avoidant personality
And that's how my marriage ended. Years of unreciprocated affection. All I wanted was to be touched. All I wanted was for him to sometimes say "Sure, yeah, lets sit together and watch a show/movie/play a video game." "Yeah okay, we can go on a walk and hold hands!"
I feel you.
I feel like my life might be headed in that same direction. 2 years together and I still have to beg for affection, to have my hand held, hugged, treated gently and with compassion. Whenever I raise these needs it turns into an argument or I get gaslit like I asked for something so wrong or so difficult. I don’t know how to initiate affection anymore without rejection from someone I love so dearly. I always thought maybe it’s because men and women have different needs, but it pains me to feel so unwanted.
@@siyasanga_makie I'm sorry to see anyone else have to go through this. :( It took a long time after for me to start feeling like I had worth and value again.
It's not really a man vs woman thing. Some people just have very different "love languages" and sometimes it ends up not being compatible.
I was neglected a lot as a child so time and attention are what I value most. Gifts, acts of service and words are all nice but it's not what I actually NEED to feel loved.
My ex husband gave me very thoughful gifts but I needed his time and physical affection most.
Trying to discuss it with your spouse is the right course of action of course but sometimes the language we use can feel threatening to others. Even if we're using the "right" language, sometimes people take things differently. If you can't seem to have a good conversation about it together, perhaps a mediator or a therapist can help facilitate the dialogue.
@@jenb6412 thank you for this ♥️
This is my relationship. Typical of the pursuer/distancer. Things are better now, but I actually had to send her a letter about how I need to hold hands, hug, greet each other at the end of the day, communicate at the dinner table. She now initiates sex about 10% of the time. She now initiates a card game or word game about 5% of the time. She is more of a loner, happy to do electronic crosswords or read by herself. We have two grown children. Now at 63 I often imagine myself with a woman who has a healthier attachment style.
Now I KNOW my phone is listening to me... too bad my husband isnt.
jennybugsification13 comment of the year award .....lol
Instead of complaining, maybe you could hum him a tune. Bet he'd pay attention to you then. Sugar or vinegar, your choice.
jennybugsification13 lol
jennybugsification13 This seems to be so common today. You are not alone in this.
your fone has no choice but to listen
I've been on both sides of this coin...within the same 25 year relationship. Shifting needs and even shifting physical abilities are a part of it. Children, daily life, and what you said to one another earlier that day, or didn't, can change things. This is a nuanced problem that can't be addressed in a short video. The one thing they got right...friggin talk about it. Even if you're pissed, or tired, or in pain, talk. If you don't, you won't like the conversation the other person will have in their own head without you.
appreciate your wisdom.
Thank you for saying this. I felt the same when watching the video - it describes one possible scenario very well, but leaves out a dozen of possible others. Usually I would say, when two 'souls' connect without fear, the bodies will connect as well, but even that has its exceptions, such as with problems in day-to-day life as you said.
Well said
As a woman, I have a high sex drive. Thankfully my husband does too. We don’t just sleep at night, we have fun. We play throughout the day, teasing each other, etc. lol
We have been together almost 15 years and it’s still a flaming fire between us.
You should hold Tedtalks.
God I wish
Happy for both of you
No kids?
I bet you both work out and havecsuccessful careers too.
The person who doesn't initiate or respond are sometimes using sex as a weapon to hurt the other by withholding love as a means of control. Im an attractive woman and have had this abuse happen in relationships. This doesn't happen right away, it happens slowly as the abuser learns what works best with you, so its confusing. This can happen even if you're confident and have healthy self worth.
Na No
It really can be. I feel like women are more prone to external factors decreasing their desire, such as stress. Also, it can be hormonal changes that are happening or any other changes in like diet, exercise, mental health. So I would suggest having an honest conversation and giving it a couple months if she feels like it's just due To hormones or other physical changes. Otherwise, try to find out her truth about whether she's still attracted to you, bored of your guys sex, or into someone else.
You aren't married. Time to bounce if it doesn't improve in the near future. If she won't do you....she'll do someone else
No point in hanging in there for the rejection parade
Lily Ann same happened to me. The guy turned out to be a narcissist. Constant manipulation. Scary shit.
It happens to guy's to
There's also the feeling of being used for sex (majority on the female side for this one). Having someone barely talk to you all day, never give you kisses or caresses or flowers, never wanting to show any affection until at the end of the day when they're horny and they want to fulfill their own physical needs, it hurts. It feels like they're using you as an object to fulfill their own needs, which is why a lot of the sex-rejectors reject in the first place.
If someone is constantly rejected when they ask for sex why in the world would they give kisses or caresses or flowers? This is a vicious cycle and requires effort from both sides to fix.
Yes, like you're just a spittoon for their wad.
Especially if they're looking at porn.
@@cyrusp100The fact that this has even 8 likes scares me. The kisses and flowers should never be so you can have sex in the first place, it should be given because you love the person. Obviously you don’t respect the person you’re wanting to have sex with if you think their love is so transactional and refuse to show any love and kindness towards them unless they provide you that sex. Jesus…
@@montyeyesclosed How can you be so hypocritical?
On the one hand you say that kisses and flowers should be given generously to the person you love - and I agree with you 100%.
But then won't extend that to the person in the relationship who desires sex. As if one desire is mandatory and the other is unnecessary. Doesn't make any sense to me...
If only we could know if we're compatible BEFORE falling for someone and investing our time, energy, heart or finances. Unfortunately, discussing sexual appetite on the first date is considered taboo, but ironically enough completely acceptable to engage in... ahaha
Aneht Eiram I am finding if I move slowly with someone... Not moving in with them right away or sleeping with them very soon, that I can more clearly spot our incompatibilities since they have time to raise to the surface, before I'm too invested. I used to jump right in, but then I had to retreat so much faster and farther!
Night Shade that happens too. that's why it can be somewhat confusing for us humans. the plan doesn't always work. but sometimes, a plan with a backup plan might work. testing that theory now.
Studio Autio if you don't want to be alone, don't give up just yet. as humans we shift and change. I personally am more compatible with different kinds of people now than I was 10 years ago. I , for example, am less of a pain in the ass and most likely a better option as a mate than I was 10 years ago. so hang in there, it could be that you and / or potential mates just aren't ready for each other yet. we must ripen.
BOOM!! Sex by the 3rd date may mean we have compatible sex drives. Maybe. By 5th date or it is completely over. The fact of the matter is that Masturbation has consistently been the best sex I've every had. I have had many, many, partners, and the bonding, through sex, can sometimes make the sex and relationship FAR better than being alone. BUT, as it turns out this is always, always, temporary. Within a relationship masturbation is a way to keep things afloat, for a while, while the relationship either blossoms or dies. BUT masturbation should not stay in the relationship because: when there is "no juice" why in the flying heck should you be putting up with all her "squeezing" ?
And if you think that women dont "squeeze" then you are BLIND, biased, or a moron. Yes, men squeeze too! But their squeeze is (typically) limited to the request for compassion, kindness, love, and sex. And that is what a *real relationship* is based upon -- NOT stealing all his sh*t (because you fail at money matters) , or prop'ing up your false narratives (because you are a liar), or making you feel worthwhile (because deep down inside you are a piece of worthless sh*t.)
.. In short men are REQUIRED to improve themselves (by literally everyone.) While women are taken at "face value" 24/7 & have little motivation to mature & grow, and thus often fall back on the VaJJ for power & validation, leading to ever descending personal self-worth, so they reach out-side of themselves.
Many ladies stupidly turn to political matters/ group (feminism for example) to justify their laziness. Ladies, you have a lot to offer!!! Much, much, more than your VaJJs!! Build yourself up (via moral means) , and watch your enlightenment & bliss grow by leaps and bounds. Doing this will not only make you fulfilled and blissful, it will make you the most valued partner a male could ever have.
.. I write all this because our culture makes contain demands of males (typically to risk everything for the benefit of others) , giving males direction and meaning in their lives. It is unfair that (once morality got thrown away) that women do not have the same!!!
captnhuffy this is the dumbest comment I’ve seen in ages Jesus Christ
One of the most vulnerable things a person can do is to initiate sex. Whenever you refuse your partner, it has the potential to change your shared sexual relationship forever. So if you don’t want that permanent change, it is very important to give an explanation and to be gentle and reassuring about the future to your partner.
The timing of these videos is always so spot on
Right?!
right!
Exactly. This is INSANE
Yeah perfectly 3 years late.
It came in time for me... But its hard to force a libido you don't have :(
in my last relationship i felt like the only reason why my partner ever touched me was because they wanted to have sex- while other kinds of intimacy were important to me too. i sometimes just want to be held at night, when having a nightmare or just to feel comfortable. the person i am seeing currently understands that, and yes, sometimes it does evolve into something more sensual, but that's okay, because when i say "no" they immediately stop and just wait until i feel comfortable doing such a thing. it has nothing to do with my sex drive (we have a very healthy sex life right now) but it's just, sometimes i want to be held, and sometimes they want to be held too. communication about your wants and needs is the most important thing in any bond, be it friendship, dating or a more serious relationship. i've learned that sometimes saying no is okay, and better than doing something you don't want to do and you won't enjoy anyways. and because i say no from time to time, i am keeping my sex life healthy and pleasurable- and when i want to, i initiate as well!
You used the word "evolve" that's the word I've been looking for, for years. This video is very obviously from a man's point of view. That hand in the night creeps me out and kills any passion I may have already been feeling.. I need to feel love and safety first. Just get in bed and curl up with me, then let's see what evolves. Keep that protective loving embrace while initiating sex, otherwise I just feel like it doesn't matter to you who it is you're having sex with.
Thats fine , just dont tell them they are not man enough to deerve it.
The fact that 3 million people have watched this makes me feel less insecure in my marriage. Great video! Thank you! Will share with my hubby.
R u guys still happy together
Oh shit. I just noticed that my boyfriend initiates more often then I do, especially romantic/sexual stuff. I was raised more timid and shy and therefore I never learned to initiate, sometimes even make fun of his initiation. Oops
I love how self aware you are. There are ways to heal the timidity and shyness so that you're naturally more confident in this area. Hypnosis, trauma release, energy work, womb healing. I pray you read this and research into trauma release therapy techniques. There will be the correct ones for you
@@skyejacques thank you for your answer, kind person
Then learn, CHANGED BEHAVIOR > oops
@Lisa CivilDisobey We're taught to be this way, in most families and cultures. There are plenty of women here sharing they feel a lot of this rejection the video describes, because they have more libido than their boyfriends... The world has a lot of subtelty, it's not just black and white, nor hunters and preys ugh !
Are you me?
Every School of Life video is so necessary.
Seluleko Taylor they should make a truisms playlist just for you my friend ;)
Except those polyamorous videos, everything else is perfect.
Feel Lord haha that’s what I was going to reply
That feeling of being not wanted, torn my heart into pieces💔💔
could be that your head is too fat... or possibly your face too face. also possible you smell, are small etc.
@@OP-xi1hv
Cruel comment.
Shame on you!
OP shame!
2:50. just accept they failed, you didnt
This channel is really a great philosophical platform where the real motive of philosophy has been successfully carried out.
Rassiq Ak you don’t think this would be considered psychological?
Psychology is the philosophy of mind I reckon
Rassiq Ak No, psychology is a soft science. Philosophy doesnt make use of the scientific method. However, Psychoanalysis could fall under philosophy.
I'm glad I communicated this with my ex. She was personally offended and wasn't interested in my needs. It spared me more years of a toxic relationship.
dodged a bullet bro
Congratulations! Very well done, you can be very proud of yourself!
I wonder if this channel can read my mind and tell what questions I currently need answered sometimes. Thank you for this.
I really needed this today thank you
I feel the same
Distaval yeah... they definetly took my google searches from yesterday and brought this up today
I think they can hear u Lol
I want to take a moment to thank the creators of this show, they helped me realize what to do in my relationship which was struggling
Me and my boyfriend have totally different love languages, mine being touch and his is quality time. I’m usually the initiator and I sometimes feel depressed when I get turned down. My therapist helps me to not take it personally. Having a high libido as a female is difficult to deal with when your partner works a taxing job and is exhausted when they get home, communication helps immensely and sometimes I just need affection and ending the night with a few back rubs and a kiss is all we need.
my partner likes quality time and touch. But not sex
I hope you never used “high libido” as an excuse for having sex with other person
@@RUclipsr-2077 What the fuck is this question
@@RUclipsr-2077 yeah there's no excuse for cheating
Well done being sympathetic to your partner's work situation.
Communication often is the key, so many people seem to forget this.
I am a virgin and have never be in relationship, why am I watching this?
It's the best time to watch something like this. Understanding why some of the signals that commonly happen in relationships, happen, gives you power to decide whether or not you want to proceed in a relationship.
Same😂😭
@@meraaleta3750 Yes, you're right.
Because you are smart!
Lol same
Date someone who has a similar libido.
YES! And make sure they aren't a meth addict that seemingly has a great libido but doesn't really, they're just high!
@@mckedenashuntter8074 Lmao
Pretty hard to match a man and woman completely evenly. The male will almost always want sex alot more. But I think finding a balance is the way to go.
Kevin Mahaffey I need someone as crazy as me then lol
@@Teeramisuuuu damn, I call dibs
my bf rarely initiates cuddles or sex but that's bc im always the first to do it. im always excited and open to things and he likes to take his time and gets exhausted/introverted quickly sometimes. it feels ok to me tho because we talk about it and i now understand the reasoning he has. it just makes it all the more nice when he does send the first i love you text or makes the first hand hold to initiate a cuddle or hug. :3 make sure you always talk about concerns in a relationship, trust me, its super important and healthy
This is something that really hits home. I have struggled for a long time with low self-esteem and generally not asserting my needs in relationships. And that combined with being someone whose primary love language is touch I internalized my partner's dismisses to my initiation as a sign that I am unwanted/unworthy and unloved. I made those assumptions out of low self-esteem instead of realizing that it really had nothing to do with me, that he was exhausted and stressed from work which lowered his sex drive. Even though he told me time and time again how desirable I was, I could not truly accept it because of how I processed the information. Needless to say, my resentments built and it never did any good for us. I wish this was something that I could have changed, now in the future I will approach it in a different way. I will remind myself that there is no reason to be ashamed and that a work-around is possible.
I’ve recently realized so much more about why I get so many terrible feelings and thoughts coming up the nights I lay down in my bed with my boyfriend. The expectation I’ve subconsciously acquired of it being time for sex and the disappointment when it doesn’t happen for innocuous reasons is like emotional whiplash. I really had to analyze how I even view sex. To me, it’s like routine relationship upkeep that needs a quota and yeah it feels good and is fun, but at the same time it’s the most absurdly intimate and vulnerable thing I can possibly do with someone and it’s sometimes completely synonymous with closeness to someone else and their acceptance of me. Of course i want and need that closeness and acceptance so I should advocate for that right? Yet I’ve operated under shame my whole life. I should just shut up because I am not entitled to sex… which under my screwed up perspective means I’m not entitled to closeness or acceptance or being seen and heard. But these things need to be achieved within the individual first and foremost, but if you never had them steadily growing up you still need external sources to help you be confident enough to get there. Yes these things can’t be equated to sex but how can you possibly separate them?? You don’t? Not to mention I have to consider all of his perspectives and expectations on these things because we’re different people.
I’m definitely overthinking it but this shit is fucking confusing for me.
Thankfully I’ve gotten better at bringing these things up with my partner but holy shit it’s so hard not to shut down. Shame is so paralyzing. Navigating this is difficult because somehow I can’t even let my therapist know I have sex as an adult human but just divulged this entire crisis of mine on a public youtube comment section to a bunch of strangers. What the actual fuck
Mood
The issue isnt sex its your need for constant external validation. Just like obesity isn't caused by the need to eat..its caused by the compulsion to self soothe via food. When you compulsively need sex to feel OK with yourself, thats an issue. Your partners job isn't to validate your existence with their body. Thats super gross to even type out
This made me tear up I wish I could give you a hug 😓
I have this same exact problem. You just typed it out for me pretty much.
It is paralysing when someone you love so much shuts you down repeatedly, refuses to do something that will not only be good for your relationship and strengthen your bond but also healthy for both parties involved, including the people that deal with you because having a healthy sex life, with your partner, does wonders for your mental health. It makes sense on so many levels.
I feel that what is said about the "initiator" can be brought over to the "initiatee". You don't initiate because you feel ashamed of yourself and you feel the other person doesn't want you anyway, no point in trying, avoidance/anticipating rejection.
shit..
one thing is a relationship problem the other is a personal one. if you dont initiate you are selfish and irresponsible. being afraid of acting is your personal problem and making other ppl do your part is unfair. if it is your problem you have to work on it, if it is a group problem the group share the responsibility.
@Mac Caw way to turn it around...oh the irony! So let me get this straight: fear of rejection is a valid excuse for the initiatee? What the hell do you think the initiator is risking every single time he/she initiates?!? Rejection! That IS the problem. By making him/her shoulder 100% of the initiation burden you are abdicating your responsibilities and forcing them to put their neck on the line, thus risking rejection every single time, while you get a pass. Once the initiator initiates, you -- the non-initiating initiatee -- are secure in the knowledge that YOU are wanted....but what about him/her? This is the whole point. Systematically failing to initiate, whatever the trumped up reason you have told yourself, is just the coward's way out. EVERYONE: save your relationship(s) and initiate already!!!
Mac Caw this point is really important. I think the relationship between self-acceptance or self-love is tied directly to our sex lives.
It's so interesting watching this as I've recently taken this approach to life. This not only applies in intimate relationships but in friendships too. I have promised myself that if I'm ever unsure of how a friend feels about me, I always seek to approach that person and have a civilized conversation about it. I have realized that jumping to conclusions about the other person based off of something trivial or because of something that the other person may have unintentionally done only leads to bitter relations and unnecessary tension. The key is to have open and frank dialogue about the way we feel, especially when that person is someone you truly care about. The sad part usually is when the other person lacks the maturity to have that conversation with you with an open heart and just becomes defensive of his or her actions without listening to you and trying to see the situation as objectively as possible. But at least that can be an indication of someone not capable of being your friend, since they aren't on the same level with you in that regard. It's all part of life I guess.
Thank you
I needed to read this
Hmmm. Whenever I talk to someone and they immediately change their attitude towards me, it feels a bit fake. Like theyre only changing because theyre called out on it. Maybe I'm still too immature for friendships.
True that!
but it hurts so much to move on when all signs are against it.. but it may hurt even more to stay as well. i just wished i didn't exist in the first place to not having to think about this every day
It's simple. If you're with someone who NEVER initiates, this person is wrong or doesn't have sexual needs towards you or simply has a complex you can talk about. Anyway, talk or quit.
If someone initiates something, the other doesn't HAVE to respond if she/he doesn't want. But reassuring the person after that it's not because this person doesn't loves him/her that he rejected him/her might be good.
It's not just about being able to express what we want and need, it's also about remembering to let our partners know why we declined the invitation for sex and that we'd normally be keen for it but just cant due to exhaustion or whatever.
Hold them tight, kiss goodnight.
Very true. I believe it's less the fact, that you as the initiator aren't getting sex, it's rather how the person communicates why they don't want to. If the passive partner still gives you the feeling, that you're desireable and loved even though circumstances temporarely keep them from having sex with you, it's so much easier to accept the rejection.
People tend to not think It's an issue but It really Is. Being intimate with the person you love Is like A drug, and when that person doesn't want to have sex as often It makes us feel like we are not wanted and then relationships end. I have a similar issue, my gf rarely wants to make love but If It was up to me we'd be making love at least 5 times a week. I'm starting to think about finding a partner who wants me as much as I want them. It's getting difficult to ignore those feelings of feeling unwanted.
im Abstinant waiting till marriage and ive learned something while waiting.
_Never make _*_permanant_*_ choices and decisions with emotions or feelings that are only temporary._
Quentin Green this product solves sex issues ruclips.net/video/EeQx9jNIysw/видео.html
True dat
Absolutely right about that
Everything is temporary
Wise... reminds me of a quote from Plato
I think it’s important to not take it personally, and if they keep declining and it becomes a regular thing then perhaps ask them if there’s something they want to talk about or if they know what’s getting in the way. Even if this doesn’t solve the lack of sex problem, it’s still being honest and open communication which is vital for all areas of your relationship to thrive anyway. Also if you both spend a lot of time together then I find they’re less likely to want it as often if they’re quite an independent person. Remember, distance creates desire!
Nah just find a new person.
Too many rejections get boring.
Man. This hit home. My wife of 7 years seemed to grow increasingly distant in bed. Whereas in times past she would reach over for a cuddle or spoon at bedtime (or I would initiate) every night, over time I found myself with her back to me, unresponsive to my arm over her or pulling her close. Gone was the kiss associated with such moments. Over time she would delay coming to bed and I'd find myself staring at the ceiling alone. Eventually, I would awaken at 5 am only to see her coming to bed after a night of binge-watching Netflix. She eventually started driving for Uber, at night. All night.
I was very slow to understand what was happening. I'd always been happy. I thought. Anyway, we've been separated for 1 1/2 years and our divorce will be final in the coming months. In the meantime I've found the sweetest Cambodian woman who gives me all the affection I want and need. I've spoken to her about this. The importance, for me, of touch at bedtime. It is so refreshing to feel desired again.
The moral of the story? Ensure you settle down with a partner who has a similar libido to yourself. I think many overlook this when getting into a relationship, it’s the catalyst that decides whether, when you run into problems further down the line, you run the risk of becoming the dreaded ‘just friends’, or not.
Good luck on that. Women have hormonal changes after giving birth and with them having lower testosterone levels you can forget about sex. Check out "The Female Brain" on Amazon
Sure this is important. But you need to figure out the root of the issue. You can find someone who Runs HOT but if there are other unaddressed issues in the relationship that can go cold anyway. It is only sometimes a problem of differences in libido. (and remember Libido can change over the lifetime)
Libido (on both sides) will change with time. What do you do then? You TALK (hopefully).
@@CL-go2ji Health changes, that's for sure. But I'm still not sure what "libido" actually means. I can understand wanting it more or less, but I always want it a lot. My wife describes it the same way. The concept of not wanting sex is completely foreign to me, even when horribly sick. It just comes down to energy and priorities. I've even talked to some therapists about this and they can't give a straight answer because it means something different to every person. I am very curious about what others experience as "libido".
@@BenjaminCronceibido is basically sex drive. Having a high libido tends to mean the desire and willingness to have sex is a pretty consistent mindset. Low libido is when someone isn't often in the mood. Though it's important to distinguish that both of these things have their own extremes. Extremely high libido can lead to sex addiction. Extremely low libido can lead to no libido. I think most people probably fall in the middle. Like you, my libido has always been high. My partner's runs low to mid and sometimes it can make things difficult, especially because it's hard for me to imagine or understand what it's like to not have a high libido. I genuinely cannot relate to that feeling, but I understand the concept I suppose. Hopefully that helped
That was absolutely beautiful, & it brought me to tears. In my relationship, I can't even get a text response. It kinda feels the same, and when I address the need for a simple talk, I'm told that I'm needy, and he is tired. Cpls Counseling is out of the question with him, because he does not want to do the extra work. I recently read the essay about death that was posted, and it has made me seriously think of divorce, for my owe sanity. Thank you♡
good luck with your decision
@@cornoc Thanks♡
You may want to look up symptoms of narcissistic/psychopathic abuse if you aren't familiar with them
He needs a wake up call!
People change, Jenny. People find themselves unknowingly taking their loved ones for granted. If he loves you he will listen and try to do better. If he doesn't, then I would plan an exit or plan for a lifetime of disappointment. :(
Communication is SO important. This video really outlines the emotionally catastrophic effects that feeling unwanted can have on someone who has poor self esteem and isn’t able to communicate. You can have the most amazing partner in the world, but if you don’t communicate what you want (and vice versa, if your partner can’t communicate what they want), then you are going nowhere. I also agree with the point many folks are making in the comments about love language; this is a concept from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. The book is written from a heterosexual, Christian perspective, but reading it with a grain of salt even a queer atheist like myself found it enlightening and helpful for ALL relationships.
The biggest issue ends up being over communicating when you start trying to explain how you feel. Suddenly it’s coercion, suddenly you’re needy, suddenly all the efforts you make are for sex and nothing else. Your actions are all now devalued and your partner feels like you’re overbearing.
Using communication only to be gaslit sucks
Coming from the side doing the rejecting I can tell you it has everything to do with knowing he doesn't truly love me or anyone, he's disrespectful, won't hold a job to help me support our family, doesn't lift a finger to clean, is always belittling me, and he only wants to "hang out" when he thinks he can get sex. If he treated me well I'd have plenty of interest in sex, just as I did when we first got together.
I've had this issue with my girlfriend we have sex 3 or 4 Xs in a day, but than it's like 3 in the morning and she is waking me out of sleep for sex. I find it disrespectful when I explain that I'm tired and I need rest, but she keeps touching me and trying to get hard or if I am hard it's not an automatic sign to wake me up. I feel like an asshole for complaining about too much sex but shit man like I don't know it's too much. The backlash I get is insane and she'll say she just wants to cuddle and I will cuddle and then she keeps on touching it. It's super frustrating.
just be mindful it is a downward spiral. lack of sex leads to resentment leads to lack of sex. someone has to break the spiral or the relationship is doomed.
Scott Baxter would love to trade you problems for a bit mate lmao
@@scottbaxter515 same pinch man... Wth happenings to ladies now days
I agree. My ex wasnt responsible & put all the financial stress on me & i was doing the rejection too. It wasnt about physical attraction anymore, everything else in out relationship just pushed me away. Well; thats why he’s an ex!
And sometimes, one person is a narcissist who uses sex as a weapon to control and maintain power, blaming the other as the sole cause of every excuse used to block sex, intimacy, and create immense shame for not erasing and ignoring any interest in sex.
Probably my parents in a nutshell
YOU have described typical female behavior.
Seems typically common with the more attractive girls in school that figure they can receive nice things in return for intimacy and from that point onwards they have no reason to mature as a person, don't let your loneliness be seen fellas
It can also go the other way around. Pushing their SO into sex even when they soetimes do not feel like. Or accusing them for not loving enough if they decline. Been there and it is one of the things that make me lose interest in sex 100%.
@Gameitup Tothemax "This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more."
Sir, the things you do is infinitely valuable. Your channel is one of the very few, if not only the only one, that makes me think. Really think. Thank you so much for it. The questions you raise, the wisdom "generated" by us in our heads as well as whats is given by you, is unmatched. Please please keep doing what you're doing, you are without a doubt making a huge effort in making people better, wiser, even happier, more understanding of themselves and each other one person at a time. I really hope the impact done would much be so much bigger. You talk about important things, the stuff that really matters, and that is really nice. I do hope I will find the time to watch all of your videos properly - because they just deserve to - and think, and make conclusions, and be better to myself, and to my loved one, or even to others. Your guidance, voluntarily or otherwise, is very much appreciated. My hat's off for you and your team, sir. Take good care!
One thing i will say... most men wont like to hear it, but women with children, household duties, and many other things on her to do lists... have trouble putting that stuff aside in her mind. Scheduling times and days and planning can go along way. She can start to clear her mind and anticipate it if she knows there is a set time that she needs to be free. It helps with clearing her mind, it helps with her anticipation of it, it helps the husband know that she is willing to prioritize her time around his need. Women are different and cant always just drop what they are doing or clear her mind to enthusiastically enjoy her time with her husband. Once my husband accepted that im different and cant get into it if im worried about 100 other things, but i can clear my schedule and mind for that time with him and be fully present, he started to enjoy planning it. Its like planning a date in the beginning you knew what was on the agenda so it was easy. Start putting it back into your agenda. Women!!!! Your men need you! Men!!!! Your women arent like you! Compromise!
Best comment ever! Im saying this as a husband. It is amazing i never knew this while i was dating. Best to practice before children to then the house is clean after as well. Cuddles after ❤❤
My boyfriend and I are celebrating 6 years together in a few weeks. I can proudly say that he was my first. He is now 30 years old and low testosterone runs in his family...that being said, it was a slow and torturous 4 years I endured where our intimacy was completely gone. I chose to suffer and work through it out of my love and strength of commitment to our love, that I never cheated or anything like that.
Recently, our intimacy has blossomed and my sister told me last night how much of a drastic and positive change she has seen in me since. It's night and day... and I'm so glad I stuck it out...
This video mentions specifically the self hatred/shame that can arise in the sexually rejected partner. Rejection can make one feel ugly or not good enough or just simply, unloved/unwanted. I can't tell you how many times I would get so undescribably angry and disgusted with myself when I would desire my boyfriend because I knew that if I initiated intimacy, it would be rejected. I would also be so broken inside when I would desire my boyfriend BECAUSE I was the only one who had desire in the relationship... I'm a different woman having gone through all those years of pain.
Some people are more submissive than others.
There are women that love to initiate and women that love to be pursued. Same for men.
That’s when sexual compatibility comes in.
I don’t like initiating - it feels so unnatural to me, borderline uncomfortable. Doesn’t matter how long I’ve been with the guy.
naturallybronzed xo . Yup! I never initiate and I won't be guilted or shamed into it, either. If my man would have a problem with it, he knows where the door is.
Aimee Glatt ok fair enough. I’m a little more flexible than you in that regard but I’d prefer not to.... unless I’m drunk lol
@@aimeeglatt2713 that speaks volumes about how much you actually value your partner.
Yep same. I actually talked about it with my boyfriend, and he didn’t mind. That said, I literally almost never turn him down...so yeah. Yes he has to initiate, but I always enthusiastically say yes..and we usually do it 2-3x a day lol
(two girls in love)
my girlfriend is very submissive and wont initiate, and when she tries to express her desire she gets so adorably flustered. im confident and i love to tell her what i'll do, and then do it. although being told by her that she wants it is comforting, what makes me happiest is when my initiation is only declined with
"not here, not now. but.... later
This video touches me deeply. I have had vitiligo (skin pigmentation loss) my whole life, I have been ridiculed, called names, and made to feel disgusting. Some people even assume that it is contagious, or even worst an STD. Consequently, that being said that is the main reason my ex is my ex. My ex never initiated sex, my ex never reciprocated oral sex which all in turn brought back those childhood memories, and insecurity.
I hope you feel better and found people who care for you. I always found the skin of persons with vitiligo beautiful. You are unique and worthy!! ☀️🌸
It can be a bit more difficult when either you yourself have been through sexual trauma or your partner has experience such trauma as well
this isn’t talked about enough
I’m surprised no one mentioned this in the comments until I read yours. This was the epitome of why my last relationship didn’t work (SA and religious trauma) and I didn’t realize it until after the relationship ended because of me not dealing with my past.
What I appreciate about this video is the pointing out of how important communication is and what can happen when the actions take place but neither party communicates how they feel. Many misunderstandings are left unchecked and free to fester as they ultimately create resentment.
It's kinda scary that I was just laying in bed in the dark with my significant other. Wondering how I can approach them about this. Since I drop constant hints but still only get it every 40 days. I open youtube and this is the first thing that appears.
I think hints are never a good thing in a relationship if you actually want to discuss a topic.
If your partner should guess what you want, it's not going to work.
I would say something like: 'there is something I want to talk to you about. It's a difficult topic for me, but please know that I'm serious.'
@@leonievw2466 Amen. Many people hate confrontation, but it is absolutely necessary at times - especially with the people we most care about.
I mean, if I'm the only one who initiates sex constantly it gets frustrating. I feel unwanted. It's especially crappy when they constantly turn you down.
When I tried to bring this up he started yelling at me every time. Now he's my ex.
Now it's time to find someone more compatible
This has been & is happening to me in my marriage, I feel like shit, it makes me feel unwanted and dirty & ugly, it drove down my self esteem.
Good for you, Kymera. Had the exact same problem, and now I'm happy to call her my ex. Best of luck grazing greener pastures :)
"Now he's my ex."
That was a right decision :-)
My husband is the only one who initiates sex lately because he's stopped brushing his teeth.
How are you suppose to be intimate with someone if you can't even bring yourself to kiss them?
I have never thought a video with such a simple surface title had so much to say about the way we think and what goes on in our minds.
"sometimes an untouched hand is just an untouched hand."
Alain de Botton
This is part of why my marriage failed; she didn't respond and eventually I stopped trying. Nobody was getting the intimacy and romance that we needed and with that and the other reasons combined, I lost my best friend. Don't be afraid to communicate how you feel and what the issues in your relationship are. It might seem scary but losing your lover is worse.
The 9Revan9 I’m sorry your marriage failed and that you lost your best friend.. hope things will start looking up for you sooner rather than later
@@dream_candy2173 thank you, that's life.
@@the9revan933 maybe in time you can become friends again. who knows?
perhaps there was something she wasn't getting from you that you can be sure to have for your next woman. Nice to have a woman BUT BE PREPARED TO PAY!lol
@@jamesmathai1138 Probably not; I don't think I'm strong enough. We have hung out a few times few months after we separated and though I still love her, I also have an equal amount of contempt for her and I'd rather not try and be a constant reminder; a living piece of nostalgia of good times but also, bad times. That's not fair to either of us.
The School of Life has a video about this actually; ruclips.net/video/uTuDks4ogs0/видео.html
I often being rejected by my husband. I don't feel bitter or resentment really. He is often tired or just not in the mood. But he's still showing his love: hug and kiss me everyday, listen to my stories. I feel loved. I accept the fact that even tho I'm a women I have more libido than my husband.
My ex-wife only initiated ONCE in the ten years we were together. When I mentioned after the separation that she never initiated sex, she said "I thought I always had to initiate sex".
It really led me to wonder what on earth she saw as "initiating", because it sure as heck wasn't physically or obvious in any way, shape, or form.
Now that we're divorced, I've chosen to stay single until I find a woman who actually wants the real me around, rather than wanting her ideal version of a man, a marriage, and life.
Nah, thats easy, I'm just ugly.
Same tbh
So what? I would rather be with someone who has a beautiful personality, than being with someone who is "beautiful" on the outside, but ugly, boring, conceited, and intitleled, on the inside! I've been with several guys that society deemed unattractive.. Ive had people, ask me "Why are you dating someone like "that"? Or " It doesn't look right, you're pretty, and he'st ugly"! It pisses me off, and I could care less what anybody thinks, I had to learn that long ago. You have to do what feels right for yourself! What's the point being with someone who is gorgeous, but he's an asshole, and he doesn't make you feel loved, or appreciated? I've been there, done that, and trust me, it's not worth the time or energy.. it also seems like guys who are really attractive are 5× more likely to cheat! If you love that person, they are attractive in your eyes, and everybody else can go to hell! ☺️✨💜💛
I've seen ugly people get a really good soulmate with decent looks. It's all confidence and personality not looks.
Du auch hier, Isa.🙈
Damit hätte ich ja nicht gerechnet.
@@owlthepirate5997 I can 100% guarantee that you've never dated an ugly person in your life. That's like going against your natural instinct lol.
I find it ridiculous that adults needed to be told what the video explained. It's quite obvious that if one half of the couple is not getting their need fulfilled, that they're going to feel hurt and rejected.
Of course, airing of grievances is essential to healthy communication.
It’s really interesting to reflect on this having been the insecure person who hated myself with one relationship, and comparing that to now being a much more confident and mature person with a different relationship.
Kellen Willett this product solves sex issues ruclips.net/video/EeQx9jNIysw/видео.html
After being rejected you stop initiating because you already know the answer 🤷🏻♀️
Yea…. So what do we do?
Thank you, Alain for explaining pithily a painful and difficult subject couples encounter. This may be the only way one can finally get through to be understood and open up a much-needed conversation!
I mean, please don't switch on the light at 1am though.
yes! I was looking for this comment
why not? if someone feels rejected that badly, they will not sleep all night anyways. i say address it head on.
Truly! What are you a Huguenot?
Please make more videos on dealing with inner shame. I always feel like I'm not acceptable even when there's enough physical reciprocity in a relationship. I want verbal appreciation too and on the bad days I'm really just suicidal because that part of me thinks I don't deserve to exist.
It's horrible when you can't express your needs to your partner when you are scared of them because you probably know they will reject your needs and then they deflect the blame back on you. Even though it's not you who is with holding affection, intimacy and emotional support
I've lived this. It's really hard. In a married with children relationship there are no good options. Accept it and live with the pain, cheat, divorce and break up your family. All awful choices.
It is difficult of course. But you can work on leaving cheater . Living with one is more painful than any other option.
Agree. Living with it for 20 years now. Always a hope and a promise it would change. It doesn't, not really. I'm burned out now so i don't have the energy to be bothered whether we do or don't. Sad but i kind of accept i will never have the sex life with my husband that i dreamed of.
@Gen X it's more than that. There has to be genuine DESIRE sensed from both parties.
@@equisader 15 years for me. Hate to say it but, I hope you find someone
Honestly, once youre heart is broken so badly that it can barely feel anymore, that can be a good thing. Ever since it happened to me, I can just shrug off rejection without feeling pain about it.
When at an inappropriate moment my husband tried something sexual and I declined, I was told, "if you turn me down somebody else will not". He was caught by me in our business with a client doing the same inappropriate move. I cannot express the pain in words.
I’m sorry to hear this... but why did u decline him? In what way? That matters too... if u declined too many times, there’s something wrong between you two and you should have spoken about it... if u declined just once and he does that, i think that he was hurt about the way u rejected him and wanted to have some sort if revenge in you. Good luck with it!
"Inappropriate time"
I would just like to thank you for this video. These are things I've dealt with that no one talks about. Its a very lonely topic, so I'm glad you covered it.
I love love u u i like like u u really meet me i am very romabtic sexy hot am wait come now 💑😍❤🌷🌷🌷🌷
Natasha Holder this product solves sex issues ruclips.net/video/EeQx9jNIysw/видео.html
I was getting older and “not in the mood” and I noticed he quit “trying” and so I asked why? He said he was tired of being rejected. And so I tried three different times and three times he refused and it made me cry and feel horrible. And he said.. he turned me down three times and I couldn’t take it and how many times have I turned him down.?? I bawled I never ment to hurt him. We have NEVER had this problem ever again. I will forever make him feel loved wanted and NEVER will I say no just because I don’t “feel like it” I never “want to” but once we do I feel better. I sleep better and we r closer!!
Is this something you now both have to conciously consider to keep this momentum?
stacyeandrew2 Sounds like an episode of “Everyone Loves Raymond”.
this is where I'm at right now. I always have to because "she is too shy to start" her words. So I for almost 15 yrs have had to get the ball rolling. I tried being more romantic, writing letters every day, getting little gifts. I still think deep down it is because I have become un-attractive to her. or that I'm not good enough. just typing this is hard. thanks for sharing I know it is hard to do.
Every man should read the "Rational Male" by Rollo Tomasi. You will be glad you did. Essential learning. In it you will learn why you should leave in this scenario. You cannot negotiate desire. Once you do it becomes an obligation and you will forever chase away what you wanted. So if the partner is a cold fish, just go
Doesn't desire change depending on the situation too? If your partner is depressed and has a severely decreased sex drive it sounds senseless it leave because "You cannot negotiate desire." What if the reason the partner who isn't attracted to his/her partner is because they had become unhealthy, unfit and overweight and what it would take would be for than partner to get in shape? Logically the first step to finding a solution is to identify the problem before making a drastic choice such as ending a relationship. Why am I wrong?
Rollo Tomasi is most definitely a pseudonym. It’s a clever one, as it comes from LA CONFIDENTIAL, where it is also a made up name, one a character gives to give name, substance to the unspeakable.
No time to read all that...to busy living life....Never getting married or playing house. Options options options.
I’m a senior in college and I’ve never been in a relationship. It’s lonely sometimes, but I’ve learned that you do not need to be with someone else to justify your own self worth.
There is a really interesting term I had come across in another youtuber's video. "Bids for connection" are certain things that we do or say to another person that shows them we are willing to connect. This is the perfect and most intimate example of a bid for connection. When we don't meet these bids regularly we gradually feel like the other person doesn't love us anymore. Healthy couples meet each others bids 8/10 times in a day.