My dad used to lecture me about being “useful” and it definitely hits home. It feeds into codependency issues, perfectionism and self worth. The idea in therapy that you have value simply because you exist…hearing that was huge
For me, that doesn’t even budge any belief of unworthiness. My brain is like ‘yeah right, you are worthy because someone says you are inherently! Pfft!’ I have no idea how to shift it. Feeling worthy just feels unnatural and uncomfortable, like it isn’t me and I’m lying to myself.
@@JohnM... I’ve left Christianity way behind, but it’s like the old saying “god don’t make no junk,” implying that people have value because “god lives in you, as you” with divine spark and whatnot. The more modern and scientific equivalent came from Neil DeGrasse Tyson talking about how we are star matter-made of the same materials as the celestial bodies. For me, it’s a more animistic approach. Everything in existence has energy, ie a spirit to some degree. We’re learning more and more about how plants interact through their roots and communicate an imminent threat to each other. Animals have more awareness and intelligence than we’ve ever given them credit for. Anything with that level of intelligence has value and therefore so do we.
my dad used the word “useless” SO MUCH to describe his kids. i used to think to myself “did he have me to be of use to him?” and it shattered any sense of inherent worthiness that I had
@@sydneypowell89 I definitely had the feeling kids were unpaid servants in my dad’s world. There’s a different feel between teaching your kids chores and guiding them to be self sufficient vs being an errand runner and all around lackey
I’m a therapist who works mostly with people who have low self worth. I have to say that I’ve never seen them suddenly swing to the other side-thinking that they are now deserving of things they haven’t worked for. I’m wondering if the concept being discussed here is more of a swinging from deflated self worth to inflated self worth, which are just two different expressions of the same thing. It doesn’t really represent great transformation, but just a new phase of the journey. What I have seen in myself and others, is when an insecure self-loathing child or teen has some success or boost and then gets cocky and brash (for awhile). I suppose this false persona could last, but usually it’s just a pretentious moment, sort of like trying on a costume. Anyway, interesting topic!
This resonates so deeply. I spent MORE THAN A DECADE of my life being an arrogant jerk because I had no belief in my own self worth. I discovered great self-efficacy while doing so, but it was not real self love.
well said. I think an incomplete sense of self often masks as arrogance, but then collapses into shame at tiny setbacks. We all need to develop an accurate and rational relationsip with reality if we want to sustain sanity ❤
This reminds me of the WWE wrestler John Cena talking about why he carries two watches with him: one to tell time, one to tell perspective. His "perspective" watch has two sides to it with quotes engraved on each side: "Comparison is the thief of joy." He says this reminds him that he is enough during times where he may think that he is not. "Memento Mori." This brings him back down to earth when his head gets too big. It reminds him that he is above no one, life is short, and we are all mortal.
THIS: First you realize you are worthy, then you realize, you are starting way behind. Then grieve, for the loss of all that could have been gained. And then... Then you have to learn AND establish healthy relationships, communication . Learning what you like, who you are, how to respond to feelings if not the old ways. Build carriers and maybe a better home situation. I found keeping a clean space relates to self love. Everything is being shaken and need to be redone. Probably your travel and experience will put you ahead in some areas. But you have to live with all the behind as well. Anyway, you got to start, a lot of people don't even get there. So it's just one food ahead of the other. And that we can do, that we have done for years. But know hopefully, those steps will bring us a little more joy into our life's little by little.
It's such an important realization to make, and of course to understand that when you are ready to do the work there is the support and tools out there to guide you through. ❤❤❤
@@JohnM... yes it does seem that way, yes. I hear you. Key word seems. It seems that way from the perspective of the turd indeed. I’m no psychologist but I saw this and wanted you to know you’ve been heard. more specifically the aspect who feels like sh*t. Other aspects (parts of our personality if you will, some say ego parts) have the ability to speak up about the sh** so go you. You are seen and even loved (because everyone is.. even you)
A competency wound, this is interesting. It's like........... the difference between self-esteem and self-efficacy. My life stalled for a long time because of a lack of self-efficacy even when I knew not to accept 'bad'. I wasn't bringing in much 'good'. Getting there. NOW CRACK ON WITH YOUR DISSERTATION.
But, I don't want to run in a race. A life like that doesn't feel worth living to me. I still produce things of value, things others would enjoy or find benefit from. But it's not because I'm in a competition. We're all in this together. The part of the worthiness wound that still remains is convincing myself that I'm worthy of being allowed to live and thrive even though I'm not taking place in the race.
perhaps looking closely at people's varying definitions of the term " the race" might help not only with worthiness but with thriving outside of other people's narrow definitions
@@HomeFromFarAway Maybe lifes more like a marathon, we keep moving and striving forward but at our own paces. We'll finish eventually. But we get to determine what success is. Even showing up is a victory.
There’s no real race and these words attached to phenomena’s can throw us off but really it’d only be a race if we were all equally equipped and heading towards a familiar goal…think of it more like a canvas that stretches far into the horizon…you make whatever patterns as you go and the whole point is to be alright and have fun and see what other patterns others created too…in the end it’s a beautiful painting of life with all our stories put together you’ll see there was no real you and me in a race it was just us doing with time what lit our hearts up.
Her use of the race metaphor in the video felt somewhat disturbing to me too. There are enough people in the world who perceive their lives as a race with some or other end goals and winners and losers (and then treat other people around them in those terms as well). I just wanted to add my voice here to say that you are not alone in not wanting to live your life as if you are participating in a contest. If we can reduce the prevalence of this type of thinking, I believe the world would be a better place. A good way to start would be to not use the race metaphor when it is not called for or indeed harmful.
Worthiness is something I have struggled with most all of my life without entirely understanding what I was struggling with. I'm 60 now and I've come to a lot better understanding over the past several years and have developed a strong intellectual understanding around this particular topic. As well, I have developed if not overcompensated with efficacy in number of areas in my life. Still, intellectual understanding and personal development does not easily heal core beliefs long held subconsciously. As soon as I think I've got this thing it comes back in other ways. For me it's a lifetime challenge overcoming maladaptive negative core beliefs.
This is so wonderful to hear - that you are finding your way through the path of worthiness. And that you know how to find the tools and support you need. Finding your core values is one of the most important things you can do, and continually revisit. Sending you strength.
Is there advice or an alternative perspective you would give to your younger self? I'm in my 30s and have struggled with worthiness my whole life, and it feels like something I will continue to struggle with despite all the work I've done to see and accept my worthiness. Just when I think I've gotten somewhere, it's like I'm back at square one.
Hello Heidi. I'm Yasmine. You're an angel. I just found your channel and just finished your "surviving the family scapegoat role" video. I was nodding my head most of the time. Wow! Wow! Hurt people hurt people. I eventually joined the US Navy to find my identity and to have a different life from my dysfunctional Haitian family. I wrapped up my EMDR training last summer, and my therapist said a lot of what said about me: "There's nothing wrong with you Yasmine. It's not that you didn't belong in your family. It's simply that your thought process, your heart, and the way you see the world is very different from that of your family." Continue doing what you're doing Heidi. Thanks so much.
your ability to explain super complicated topics is top notch. also thank you for being CONCISE. videos where people keep repeating themselves are maddening.
A lot of the feedback I receive from mentors, professors, and instructors is that I am more than competent and qualified but I lack the confidence in myself to do the job/believe that I am actually competent and thrive. I’ve been told over the years that I’m getting in my own way because of how much doubt myself not others doubting me in the work field.
you're not alone in this area of self-doubt. Happens a lot starting with people from their 20's onward and can I suppose only be lessened by making decisions, taking actions and living with the consequences, and hopefully our decision-making and rate of success improves over time and with first-person experience.
Once I overcame long held feelings of unworthiness and got out there in the social world, I found what I needed to do next was simply gain social _experience._ Not love, not deep friendships. Not intimacy. Just basic social connections. Trying to get into dating and close friendships too soon -- though that seemed to be successful at first -- soon would result in me becoming awkward, needy, overly apologetic for the slightest faux pas. Good grief, I thought, this new socializing is only bringing me pain and setbacks. So I decided to forget about "goals" or quick progress. I had not been aware that friendships can come on several gradients -- close friends, or just casual contacts. I had not learned that even with friends who like each other, there will be parts of the personality of each the other won't like. Experiencing that did not mean rejection of me, or that the other person had no place in my life. It was also ok to hang out with a new social contact a couple of times for some casual interaction, then move on. That did not necessarily mean abandoning them, or abandoning the potential of a friendship. I had thought new friends were like water in the desert; hold on to every drop so you'll survive. I have learned, though rough sailing, that just gaining experience is the great benefit. And all experiences are not going to be cheery.
The “you still have to run the race to win” analogy was so incredibly poignant for me. Unfortunately, I’m definitely not even at the point where I’d consider my worthiness wound healed, but I do find that I have transient moments of feeling more healed in that regard, yet still felt like something was lacking and so I think this analogy aptly fits what my brain was likely subconsciously grappling with. If I’m being fully honest with myself, I think I am still very much resistant to the idea that I still have to put in the work to “win”, because I think I do have this false equivalency in my mind that being worthy = automatically winning, when we both know it never really ends up working out quite like that, at least not in the long run. Because of my false equivalency belief, I think that in those moments of worthiness where I did *not* find myself to be automatically winning/prospering, I then found myself in a position of doubting my worthiness, coming to question its validity on a fundamental level. And because my worthiness wound is still very much a work in progress, I’d easily slip back into feeling acutely unworthy again, now armed with “evidence” that I couldn’t possibly be worthy because xyz hadn’t magically fallen into place like they “should” have for someone who is “actually” worthy. Clearly there’s a lot to unpack here, but I appreciate you providing me with a framework for disentangling this aspect of my self-understanding.
I too have been enjoying moments, days, where I feel the worthiness wound is healed but other days when it creeps back in. My experience is on the days where I have that conscious sense of self-worth on those days I do feel more energised and able to work on all that needs doing. On the other days not so much. I suppose my understanding is that those days are important days for continuing the inner work and continuing to sense and heal the remaining emotional and thought patterns still bubbling up within. The more we continue this cycle the more we can return to a place of worthiness wounds being healed. My feeling is we will know the majority of any worthiness wound is truly healed as that will release the positive energy to work away on all our goals with joy. So we have to be kind to ourselves when we have days where lack of self-worth bubbles up again from within and listen to what it is trying to tell us. Even when we have majority healed we most likely will have to keep always vigilant to losing self-worth for any new reasons or triggers as time goes on! Wishing you well on this journey! 🙏🏽
I am an avid Tara Brach fan. A lot of her work revolves around this idea and she calls it the "trance of unworthiness". I don't know if you're familiar with her but I feel like you might enjoy it. Thank you so much for your work. It feels so good to find someone doing this work and being vulnerable enough to share it with everyone. Amazing courage and heart. Much love to you.
Some of my close friends are avid Tara Brach fans, so I’ve been exposed to her philosophies but haven’t yet read her books (however they are firmly on my to-read list)!
I was thinking the same. I liked Tara book radical acceptance and the concept of trance of unworthiness was very useful to me. However know that I know more about psychology I would classify her on the self help rather than psychology. I think that trance of unworthiness is a consequence of trauma, attachment and probably disregulation.. topics very well explained in this channed
IT ISNOT THAT OBVIOUS. Worthlessness can show up as thoughts like, “I’m probably not that special. My work isn’t that dramatic or impactful. I’m not that well known or significant.” Kind of the opposite of narcissism? Kind of like, “I know physics pretty well, and discovered this new thing, but I couldn’t possibly be a prophet, correct, or the next Einstein.”
Yeh," this story must have been written before"... "my suggestion to improve processes must have been made already" .."my clay figures are so amateur looking.....".
I think that sometimes or maybe often the worthiness wound can also be a manipulative adaptation to childhood trauma that is making you want someone to save you/come to your rescue. So, we can address that and reprogramme ourselves to make us feel worthy. That’s fine. But we may miss the point that actually we need to feel unworthy bcoz we still cling to the hope that someone will come and save us and makes us feel worthy. I’m just thinkjng aloud here, but hope it’s useful
Wow I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone mention the “someone to save you/come to your rescue” I find myself all the time thinking about how much I wish someone would just make it all better. It hasn’t happened yet, but there have been some people that have provided some assistance, and I’m coming to realize that it somehow actually feels worse, because I don’t feel like I deserve help. Then because I feel like I want to be saved all the time, I feel like a little windy baby, and an attention whore. Just venting don’t mind me.
I think we should be careful with this thought trail, it implies wounded people are dangerous because they are uncounciously manipulating and harming people. This extreme type of maladaptation to chidlhood trauma is rare , trauma doesn't make you an evil person , otherwise we would all be narcissists coopting codependents .
I like that you call it the competency wound because one of the ways I have been affirming myself as I work through my own trauma is by calling myself a competent adult, I guess I have to keep figuring out what competence in adult me looks like
I had this exact ephiphany the other day! As someone who plays a lot of video games, my interpretation was, doing the work gets you into the lobby but there is still time that needs to pass before the next stage can unfold. Another fantastic video, thanks Heidi 🙏
It's really hard finding out how to get the life I want in the real world. Because I only just started working on my worthiness wounds, I still have parts that believe I'm not worthy of the love of others. And it is only magnified by how I don't believe I have the self-efficacy to provide value in a relationship.
This was super helpful to me because this framework explains my situation so so well. I don't know if I have healed my competency wound exactly but I have, as of today, secured all of the money, permits and resources to do exactly what I want to do practically in my life right now, it's insane. But I've done it completely without believing i deserve it. I'm excited to start healing the worthiness wound so I can have this life, enjoy it, maintain it and continue to improve it
Your content is so good. Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge with the rest of us. So many of us out here need a bit of healing. Please know that you're helping so many of us. Keep the content coming!
But then when I realize I'm not competent, I fall back into feeling unworthy because in my eyes there's no point. Why should I even be worthy if I'm not going to be competent anyway.
This is a perfectly level-minded overview of the interrelationship between the inner and outer world, exceptionally well explained, thanks so much! Good luck with your dissertation ☺️ (I'm 2 weeks away from submission too, so your timing on this was perfect! Haha)
Something that reflects this is the difference between self esteem and self worth. Self worth is our inherent value. Self esteem is our skills and actions that add value and make us feel good.
@@heidipriebe1 its hardly going to be luck you're going to be relying on. You're so incredibly insightful..you will do great Heidi. You are worthy of it😁
Thank you for making this video. It has really helped me. Coming to accept that people have their preferences and that does not reflect on my value is so important. I was haunted by the feeling of being unworthy because someone I entered into a relationship had a racial preference that was opposite of mine. I felt every time we were around women with this race that I was second best in the eyes of my ex. It did not work and from now on will not allow my worth to be diminished like that but accept a person’s preference and not enter into union with them since it more than likely will not work. I am saving this video to remind myself as I heal and improve my sense of self-worth.
I’m trying to heal from this. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m never dating another man that has a preference outside of me ever again. It destroys your self esteem.
Just as I was about to fully accept this, I felt a part of me pull away, thinking "I've already wasted so much time, what's the point?". Then, as if to prove Heidi's words have real power, I felt the rest of me respond "Me. I'm the point. I deserve the opportunity to try. I deserve to do better." As I was then pondering how to proactively work on building a belief of competency/Self-efficacy, I saw your video on self-abandoment and am VERY intrigued... thankyou again for all your work, and good luck with your school work! :D
Yes . Yes . Yes. I struggled with self respect for a long time and I am still working on it. My inner world was chaos for many years since my childhood and I ignored it, swept under the rug and built up a fake inflated false sense of self esteem that got me nowhere and made me for some time quite delusional about how to actually attain the things I want in my life. I’ve gotten pretty far with therapy, journaling, research, medication and support groups I’m willing to do the inner work . And I know when the opportunity for me do the outer work arises I will be well equipped and eager to handle the task at hand. Thank you so much #lifesaver🎉
Thank you for the practical and actionable advice you give on your channel. A lot of similar channels use videos like this to bait you into paying hundreds of dollars for courses to get similar advice. I appreciate what you do.
Excited for you, best of luck with the dissertation ❣️ This video definitely asks for a follow up. I feel in between worlds, that limbo between old life and new life, and what you described in this video is part of that feeling. Decades of anxiety and depression perhaps gives me good skills for testing mattresses, I am clueless when it comes to the ins and outs of building a rich and fullfilling life in the 3D. I'm good at living large on the inside but it has a certain 'spirituality as escapism'- flavor to it that does not sit well with me, for I also feel a strong need to build something tangible in the 3D before I leave this planet. Doing something I really believe in, where my heart is in it. And in the meantime my current dayjob seems to be the keeping up with the dishes and the laundry and the dust and dog hairs. Kinda disheartening really, finding myself finally not that debilitated by depression and anxiety anymore, then realizing I have yet at 48, with 31 years of living on my own under my belt, learn to master the skills of basic housekeeping. Which is again fodder for the worthiness wound to not heal all that well. Argh healing is so not linear it is all intertwined.
I really really needed this today - it is EXACTLY what I was praying for guidance on. Thank you so much for taking time away from your dissertation for it and good luck with everything 🥰
Wow, this really speaks to me! I often have a recurring thought of "I know I'm worthy of [xyz], I just don't know if I can get it." And I never heard a term for it, such as competency wound, or heard anyone discuss it. Thank you so much for filming this!
In my case, the worthiness wound is more like, whenever someone pulls away, i think it's bc i'm not enough, and it hurts. I feel insufficient, to put it another way. Not that I don't think i'm not worthy of love, but that other people saw something in me and will not consider me worthy. It has to do more with giving too much importance to the other's valuation of you, than to yourself.
Your impromptu videos like this one are always valuable and appreciated. Listen to your Si these last two weeks to reach your big goal. We will be here cheering when you cross that finish line. Thanks for sharing what you're learning with us.
Wow, honestly the perfect perfect video. I have been feeling this internal turning point that, after watching this video, makes so much more sense. I have done an incredible amount of inner healing, and now i can transition into working outside. You have saved me so much doubt and irritation with this video, preventing a phase that could have happened in which i doubt myself and think hurtful thoughts about this instead of compassionately noting that i changed games now, i didnt lose the first at all 🙏❤️
Thank you for talking about this...have been feeling both my worthiness and competency wounds right now. This was such a great reminder to utilize my logic to work towards my dreams and goals. Appreciate you Heidi!
Truth is, no matter how healthy you may be. There is no guarantee for anything in life. People with severe issues may have everything you want on paper, yet it keeps eluding you.
This is kind of a side thought I've had lately. I watched the TV show _Lost_ earlier this year and looking back on it, I think it did a pretty good job of modeling healthy attachment and what that looks like between some of the characters in the show and how various events would sort of shift their relationship in slightly different ways. And it's got me thinking (and maybe I just haven't been looking for it) that it seems like Hollywood doesn't really make a conscious effort to model healthy relationships or healthy behavior in movies and TV shows nowadays. It seems that showing dysfunctional people or relationships is more prominent. And that's not to say it's necessarily a bad thing. It can be helpful for the general public to have a good conceptualization of what some of these "invisible" conditions look like for people, that is, if it's done accurately. In the first two seasons of _Lost,_ many of the characters were battling their inner demons and working within themselves to overcome them. And they were relatable, common problems that people face. Today it seems like characters that Hollywood portrays are either perfectly flawless, or irredeemably dysfunctional. I saw the movie _Marriage Story_ earlier this year which was... interesting. It seemed like Robin Williams was a fan of playing in movies where people had to overcome their personal struggles. _Good Will Hunting_ and _Hook_ come to mind. I really don't know of any shows or movies in recent years that portray someone overcoming their personal emotional or relationship problems and the subsequent constructive mindset that follows from working out those problems. Maybe Moon Knight was one? I can't remember. Anyways I'd like to see a movie or TV show like that come out sometime.
Part of the issue with a sense of unworthiness is, IMO, that your efforts are not enough - they are devalued time and again. So there is no sense of progress towards a goal because each effort is devalued and provides no forward progress. I've already been the good enough to keep trying - and I did, and with certain people and in certain circumstances, it goes nowhere - it may as well be a scam.
Coming back to this video: It makes me think "What is 'loveable' if it doesn't actually do anything?". It seems like what would be is the safe space with/amongst one or two good enough or better parents that you can fall back to if you don't get that raise or didn't win the race or whatever. It seems like its theoretical - if I'd had good enough parents then I would be worthy of having that safe space with them. In a way that is something, though it feels a little ghostly for being theoretical.
I think something worth noting is we may already have or obtain competency in the area in which we are pursuing, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to achieve the goal or desired outcome. There are usually a lot of factors at play. The “rejection“ of “failure” can re-trigger the worthiness wounds.
She summed up napoleon hill think and grow rich. Or the formula for life change and success. I love this and appreciate you sharing this video. I hope you pass your assignments and get your degree.
I’ve watched a few videos on this channel now. Some of the content in these videos is so good and helpful - the clear articulation of the phenomenon we feel, or at least some aspects of it. I think what’s lacking is real empathy and understanding of the people going through these things - attention to pain and feelings and the long hard processes of change and all the complications surrounding that. Understanding something intellectually is very different from actually changing the reflexive, ingrained feelings inside oneself. THAT and what surrounds it is the hard part. To me, a lot of these videos feel even a bit condescending. I share this because I think these videos gave the potential to be so much more helpful.
I have found your channel recently and binged so many! They have been crazy helpful to me you have no idea! I have BPD and so much of what you have to say resonates with me. Please keep it up, I can't express how much I appreciate what you are doing. Me and many others I'm sure.
I was applying outer world rules to the inner rule. If I try enough, if I work on myself and I deny my worst parts, my parents could love me. Didn't work, and now I know why!
I have oscillated between these two wounds as I’ve aged. Different stages of humaning/adulting in society and in my emotional maturity have required different approaches and skills. And healing is never a straight line. Appreciate you and your videos. ❤️🩹
I have always been labelled as ‘clumsy’ because I used to (and still do to some extent) knock things over, fall over, or make mistakes in feats of dexterity. This has always made me feel deep down a sense of ‘incompetence’, and to label myself mistakenly I hope, as an incompetent person. 😢
I'm sorry that you feel this way. May I recommend to you "guided mindfulness meditation " by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn. It has some meditation practices and light yoga.🙏💖✨️
My problem is I worked really hard to believe I was worthy and then worked really hard to gain legitimate competence but then found myself in a series of toxic, invalidating work environments where regardless of how much better I did or how much more I contributed they always deemed me "unworthy" of promotion or compensation so I just kept doing more and more until I was doing 3 or 4 entirely separate jobs worth of work, then got completely burnt out, took some approved but unpaid time off and then got fired while I was gone... Not sure what someone is supposed to do when their worthiness wound was barely freshly healed and then got torn open and had salt and vinegar scrubbed into it. Now I have a "I don't trust any progress I make because the world is gonna hate me for trying to be better and will savagely punish me for having thought I could be anything more than poor and miserable my entire life" wound...
I’m so glad you brought this up. Your channel is so refreshing. A few years ago I stopped resonating with the worthiness wound concept but there’s a resounding push toward self worth that made it seem like I hadn’t healed that subconsciously because it hasn’t manifested externally the way I though it would. It made me doubt myself again. Thanks Heidi and good luck on your dissertation
Would love a video on competence wound. You put it out so cristal clear. Never eared those terms worthiness and competence wounds before but it talks to me so much. How the inner world works and how to get results in the outter world, I just need to ear all this. Thank you so much.
I was always a hard worker but many times my work was overlooked and I was picked on in comparison to peers who were slackers. The unworthiness wound can make you a target. Once I started to heal this wound I was treated differently by my coworkers and managers. I have seen so many people horrible at their jobs get praise get promoted and its because their confidence hides their slack. I think we have all seen people in positions that are horrible at their job but for some reason got there and keep rising the ranks.
It would be nice if this could have been said without the race analogy that presumes winning or losing to other people. It’s true that some goals require presenting yourself as the best candidate or proving it with numbers, but often it’s not about being better but presenting your particular strengths or recognizing them rather than a reliance on hierarchy of value between yourself and others. Also, people with worthiness issues often don’t recognize the value in what they’ve already been doing in the outside world. Putting value on that in your own mind can be followed with confidence as well as a framework to present yourself to others as valuable. My comment pertains to professional goals primarily.
I resonated with what you said about the race analogy being presumptive of a desire to compete with others for first place in whatever field one pursues. Personally I have no desire to compete with others but most enfps seem to want extrinsic reassurance of their worthiness and success. Many people measure personal success in comparison with others acheivements. Therein lies a paradox for the enfp who is by nature driven by intrinsic motivation but the world will tell you only the external accolades we receive actually count.
Thank you, Heidi! Great point about the distinction between the inner and the outer work and the respective results. Good luck with your exam 👌 I hope you'll party quite soon 🎉
I learned much about this wound from the speaker Adyashanti. He discusses his experience of it and its pervasiveness in Western society. I was in Toronto this past fall 2023. I had thought about what it would be like to meet you. I am a fellow ENFP. Your insights are valuable. I accept my gift and hope to share it. Thank you Heidi
I hope your dissertation went smoothly. You are so well spoken and helpful. Could you please speak on estrangement of adult children from a mother who was the scapegoat in her family of origin?
Thanks for the video, I think I just had my question answered. It would go something like, "Help, I peaked in high school, what do I do now?" I will add though, that with the family and other issues that I've had, if I didn't do some inner work regularly, applying myself in life wouldn't have been very fruitful. I also think looking at our motives can go a long way towards providing for our security. I'm encouraged to look at that next step in realizing what I can in searching for my true potential. You've become a welcome resource in my psychoeducation, keep up the good work.
Hehe I think you got the whole manifestation community tagged here ;) But fr super grateful you have the drive to share your journey with your community here bc we are all growing with you!! Thank you so much!
Hey pribei.... You are such amazing... Now i feel you are my unpaid counselor... You made videos on which i didn't understand about myself... U made my mind so clear. Thank you so much...
A lot of people, especially those coming from the lens of recovering self esteem, struggle with operationalizing things. I love the message about self efficacy but I absolutely hate subjective statements like "do the work". Especially in context to interpersonal relationships because "the work" is often not clear cut or evident. Getting in shape or saving for a house are things a person can logically break down. Magically manifesting the person they are going to spend the rest of their lives with is not. Once you're in a relationship or situation there is certainly a path but people do not control who or when they meet other people. The world needs less hustle culture and more empathy. There's a really big problem with people working their way in circles who are miserable because they have no trajectory.
I know this is an old video, but I really hope you speak on transferring the internal to the external more, especially as doing so often challenges our internal wounds we have healed, and then it becomes a loop of one step forward, two steps back You're really the only mental health person I've heard who feels like they actually touch on specific issues that resonate with me.
Very insightful video,thanks for sharing! I would also like to add that somatic practices like trauma informed yoga and EFT tapping can really help in resolving the worthiness (self worth) wound and the self efficacy wound,this is because it not only changes our core beliefs on a cellular level but also deeply regulates our nervous system from fight/flight/freeze to a state of rest&digest (regulated) when we are regulated we are more likely to actually put in the effort of working hard for the things we want+value and actually achieve them. If you're constantly in a state of freeze due to a lot of trauma wounding then you barely have energy to do basic things like shower,let alone do the hardwork to achieve success in your personal or professional life. To summarise i would say that somatic practices are essential and a great addition to CBT,journaling,shadow work,etc
Literally the answer to the question I woke up with this morning 😅 glad you created this video ❤ hope your dissertation turned out the way you wanted!!! Thanks Heidi ❤❤❤
My dad used to lecture me about being “useful” and it definitely hits home. It feeds into codependency issues, perfectionism and self worth. The idea in therapy that you have value simply because you exist…hearing that was huge
For me, that doesn’t even budge any belief of unworthiness. My brain is like ‘yeah right, you are worthy because someone says you are inherently! Pfft!’
I have no idea how to shift it. Feeling worthy just feels unnatural and uncomfortable, like it isn’t me and I’m lying to myself.
@@JohnM... I’ve left Christianity way behind, but it’s like the old saying “god don’t make no junk,” implying that people have value because “god lives in you, as you” with divine spark and whatnot. The more modern and scientific equivalent came from Neil DeGrasse Tyson talking about how we are star matter-made of the same materials as the celestial bodies.
For me, it’s a more animistic approach. Everything in existence has energy, ie a spirit to some degree. We’re learning more and more about how plants interact through their roots and communicate an imminent threat to each other. Animals have more awareness and intelligence than we’ve ever given them credit for. Anything with that level of intelligence has value and therefore so do we.
my dad used the word “useless” SO MUCH to describe his kids. i used to think to myself “did he have me to be of use to him?” and it shattered any sense of inherent worthiness that I had
@@sydneypowell89 no offence but he was projecting upon his children his own sense of worthlessness…
@@sydneypowell89 I definitely had the feeling kids were unpaid servants in my dad’s world. There’s a different feel between teaching your kids chores and guiding them to be self sufficient vs being an errand runner and all around lackey
This woman is a Ninja when it come to personality issues! Super impressed.
I’m a therapist who works mostly with people who have low self worth. I have to say that I’ve never seen them suddenly swing to the other side-thinking that they are now deserving of things they haven’t worked for. I’m wondering if the concept being discussed here is more of a swinging from deflated self worth to inflated self worth, which are just two different expressions of the same thing. It doesn’t really represent great transformation, but just a new phase of the journey.
What I have seen in myself and others, is when an insecure self-loathing child or teen has some success or boost and then gets cocky and brash (for awhile). I suppose this false persona could last, but usually it’s just a pretentious moment, sort of like trying on a costume.
Anyway, interesting topic!
This resonates so deeply. I spent MORE THAN A DECADE of my life being an arrogant jerk because I had no belief in my own self worth. I discovered great self-efficacy while doing so, but it was not real self love.
Thank you, could not agree more.
well said. I think an incomplete sense of self often masks as arrogance, but then collapses into shame at tiny setbacks. We all need to develop an accurate and rational relationsip with reality if we want to sustain sanity ❤
This reminds me of the WWE wrestler John Cena talking about why he carries two watches with him: one to tell time, one to tell perspective.
His "perspective" watch has two sides to it with quotes engraved on each side:
"Comparison is the thief of joy." He says this reminds him that he is enough during times where he may think that he is not.
"Memento Mori." This brings him back down to earth when his head gets too big. It reminds him that he is above no one, life is short, and we are all mortal.
THIS: First you realize you are worthy, then you realize, you are starting way behind. Then grieve, for the loss of all that could have been gained. And then... Then you have to learn AND establish healthy relationships, communication . Learning what you like, who you are, how to respond to feelings if not the old ways. Build carriers and maybe a better home situation. I found keeping a clean space relates to self love. Everything is being shaken and need to be redone. Probably your travel and experience will put you ahead in some areas. But you have to live with all the behind as well. Anyway, you got to start, a lot of people don't even get there. So it's just one food ahead of the other. And that we can do, that we have done for years. But know hopefully, those steps will bring us a little more joy into our life's little by little.
This resonated with me
She says all the things I think but do not articulate. YES. So once you know you’re worthy (just like everyone is…) you put in the work. Simple. ❤
Thinking of "Anna Akana" Intimacy, Overthinking and Healing Attachment Wounds, Selflove and Boundaries? Anyone Else too? 🌎🌟
i think she’s amazing. also if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say it all! a rule i guess you don’t know :(
It's such an important realization to make, and of course to understand that when you are ready to do the work there is the support and tools out there to guide you through. ❤❤❤
'Knowing' seems impossible after a lifetime of seeing yourself as a turd.
@@JohnM... yes it does seem that way, yes. I hear you. Key word seems. It seems that way from the perspective of the turd indeed. I’m no psychologist but I saw this and wanted you to know you’ve been heard. more specifically the aspect who feels like sh*t. Other aspects (parts of our personality if you will, some say ego parts) have the ability to speak up about the sh** so go you. You are seen and even loved (because everyone is.. even you)
A competency wound, this is interesting. It's like........... the difference between self-esteem and self-efficacy. My life stalled for a long time because of a lack of self-efficacy even when I knew not to accept 'bad'. I wasn't bringing in much 'good'. Getting there.
NOW CRACK ON WITH YOUR DISSERTATION.
But, I don't want to run in a race. A life like that doesn't feel worth living to me.
I still produce things of value, things others would enjoy or find benefit from. But it's not because I'm in a competition. We're all in this together.
The part of the worthiness wound that still remains is convincing myself that I'm worthy of being allowed to live and thrive even though I'm not taking place in the race.
perhaps looking closely at people's varying definitions of the term " the race" might help not only with worthiness but with thriving outside of other people's narrow definitions
@@HomeFromFarAway Maybe lifes more like a marathon, we keep moving and striving forward but at our own paces.
We'll finish eventually. But we get to determine what success is. Even showing up is a victory.
I feel you and these are my exact thoughts, sending love to you 🙏💝
There’s no real race and these words attached to phenomena’s can throw us off but really it’d only be a race if we were all equally equipped and heading towards a familiar goal…think of it more like a canvas that stretches far into the horizon…you make whatever patterns as you go and the whole point is to be alright and have fun and see what other patterns others created too…in the end it’s a beautiful painting of life with all our stories put together you’ll see there was no real you and me in a race it was just us doing with time what lit our hearts up.
Her use of the race metaphor in the video felt somewhat disturbing to me too. There are enough people in the world who perceive their lives as a race with some or other end goals and winners and losers (and then treat other people around them in those terms as well).
I just wanted to add my voice here to say that you are not alone in not wanting to live your life as if you are participating in a contest. If we can reduce the prevalence of this type of thinking, I believe the world would be a better place. A good way to start would be to not use the race metaphor when it is not called for or indeed harmful.
Even at 71. Just realizing this in myself and now working on making up for a lifetime of 😊lost esteeme
Worthiness is something I have struggled with most all of my life without entirely understanding what I was struggling with. I'm 60 now and I've come to a lot better understanding over the past several years and have developed a strong intellectual understanding around this particular topic. As well, I have developed if not overcompensated with efficacy in number of areas in my life. Still, intellectual understanding and personal development does not easily heal core beliefs long held subconsciously. As soon as I think I've got this thing it comes back in other ways. For me it's a lifetime challenge overcoming maladaptive negative core beliefs.
This is so wonderful to hear - that you are finding your way through the path of worthiness. And that you know how to find the tools and support you need. Finding your core values is one of the most important things you can do, and continually revisit. Sending you strength.
Is there advice or an alternative perspective you would give to your younger self? I'm in my 30s and have struggled with worthiness my whole life, and it feels like something I will continue to struggle with despite all the work I've done to see and accept my worthiness. Just when I think I've gotten somewhere, it's like I'm back at square one.
Hello Heidi. I'm Yasmine. You're an angel. I just found your channel and just finished your "surviving the family scapegoat role" video. I was nodding my head most of the time. Wow! Wow! Hurt people hurt people. I eventually joined the US Navy to find my identity and to have a different life from my dysfunctional Haitian family.
I wrapped up my EMDR training last summer, and my therapist said a lot of what said about me: "There's nothing wrong with you Yasmine. It's not that you didn't belong in your family. It's simply that your thought process, your heart, and the way you see the world is very different from that of your family." Continue doing what you're doing Heidi. Thanks so much.
“The outside world has different rules than the inside world.” Insightful, thanks for this 🙏🏾 Hope your dissertation went great!!
your ability to explain super complicated topics is top notch. also thank you for being CONCISE. videos where people keep repeating themselves are maddening.
A lot of the feedback I receive from mentors, professors, and instructors is that I am more than competent and qualified but I lack the confidence in myself to do the job/believe that I am actually competent and thrive. I’ve been told over the years that I’m getting in my own way because of how much doubt myself not others doubting me in the work field.
you're not alone in this area of self-doubt. Happens a lot starting with people from their 20's onward and can I suppose only be lessened by making decisions, taking actions and living with the consequences, and hopefully our decision-making and rate of success improves over time and with first-person experience.
Once I overcame long held feelings of unworthiness and got out there in the social world, I found what I needed to do next was simply gain social _experience._ Not love, not deep friendships. Not intimacy. Just basic social connections.
Trying to get into dating and close friendships too soon -- though that seemed to be successful at first -- soon would result in me becoming awkward, needy, overly apologetic for the slightest faux pas. Good grief, I thought, this new socializing is only bringing me pain and setbacks.
So I decided to forget about "goals" or quick progress.
I had not been aware that friendships can come on several gradients -- close friends, or just casual contacts. I had not learned that even with friends who like each other, there will be parts of the personality of each the other won't like. Experiencing that did not mean rejection of me, or that the other person had no place in my life.
It was also ok to hang out with a new social contact a couple of times for some casual interaction, then move on. That did not necessarily mean abandoning them, or abandoning the potential of a friendship. I had thought new friends were like water in the desert; hold on to every drop so you'll survive.
I have learned, though rough sailing, that just gaining experience is the great benefit. And all experiences are not going to be cheery.
The “you still have to run the race to win” analogy was so incredibly poignant for me. Unfortunately, I’m definitely not even at the point where I’d consider my worthiness wound healed, but I do find that I have transient moments of feeling more healed in that regard, yet still felt like something was lacking and so I think this analogy aptly fits what my brain was likely subconsciously grappling with.
If I’m being fully honest with myself, I think I am still very much resistant to the idea that I still have to put in the work to “win”, because I think I do have this false equivalency in my mind that being worthy = automatically winning, when we both know it never really ends up working out quite like that, at least not in the long run.
Because of my false equivalency belief, I think that in those moments of worthiness where I did *not* find myself to be automatically winning/prospering, I then found myself in a position of doubting my worthiness, coming to question its validity on a fundamental level. And because my worthiness wound is still very much a work in progress, I’d easily slip back into feeling acutely unworthy again, now armed with “evidence” that I couldn’t possibly be worthy because xyz hadn’t magically fallen into place like they “should” have for someone who is “actually” worthy.
Clearly there’s a lot to unpack here, but I appreciate you providing me with a framework for disentangling this aspect of my self-understanding.
Thank you for writing your comment. It made it easier for me to understand myself.
I too have been enjoying moments, days, where I feel the worthiness wound is healed but other days when it creeps back in.
My experience is on the days where I have that conscious sense of self-worth on those days I do feel more energised and able to work on all that needs doing. On the other days not so much. I suppose my understanding is that those days are important days for continuing the inner work and continuing to sense and heal the remaining emotional and thought patterns still bubbling up within. The more we continue this cycle the more we can return to a place of worthiness wounds being healed.
My feeling is we will know the majority of any worthiness wound is truly healed as that will release the positive energy to work away on all our goals with joy.
So we have to be kind to ourselves when we have days where lack of self-worth bubbles up again from within and listen to what it is trying to tell us. Even when we have majority healed we most likely will have to keep always vigilant to losing self-worth for any new reasons or triggers as time goes on!
Wishing you well on this journey! 🙏🏽
I am an avid Tara Brach fan. A lot of her work revolves around this idea and she calls it the "trance of unworthiness". I don't know if you're familiar with her but I feel like you might enjoy it. Thank you so much for your work. It feels so good to find someone doing this work and being vulnerable enough to share it with everyone. Amazing courage and heart. Much love to you.
Some of my close friends are avid Tara Brach fans, so I’ve been exposed to her philosophies but haven’t yet read her books (however they are firmly on my to-read list)!
I was thinking the same. I liked Tara book radical acceptance and the concept of trance of unworthiness was very useful to me. However know that I know more about psychology I would classify her on the self help rather than psychology. I think that trance of unworthiness is a consequence of trauma, attachment and probably disregulation.. topics very well explained in this channed
I love the full circle of focusing on both sides of the coin of self esteem and efficacy!
IT ISNOT THAT OBVIOUS. Worthlessness can show up as thoughts like, “I’m probably not that special. My work isn’t that dramatic or impactful. I’m not that well known or significant.” Kind of the opposite of narcissism? Kind of like, “I know physics pretty well, and discovered this new thing, but I couldn’t possibly be a prophet, correct, or the next Einstein.”
Yeh," this story must have been written before"... "my suggestion to improve processes must have been made already" .."my clay figures are so amateur looking.....".
I think that sometimes or maybe often the worthiness wound can also be a manipulative adaptation to childhood trauma that is making you want someone to save you/come to your rescue. So, we can address that and reprogramme ourselves to make us feel worthy. That’s fine. But we may miss the point that actually we need to feel unworthy bcoz we still cling to the hope that someone will come and save us and makes us feel worthy. I’m just thinkjng aloud here, but hope it’s useful
Wow I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone mention the “someone to save you/come to your rescue” I find myself all the time thinking about how much I wish someone would just make it all better. It hasn’t happened yet, but there have been some people that have provided some assistance, and I’m coming to realize that it somehow actually feels worse, because I don’t feel like I deserve help. Then because I feel like I want to be saved all the time, I feel like a little windy baby, and an attention whore. Just venting don’t mind me.
I think we should be careful with this thought trail, it implies wounded people are dangerous because they are uncounciously manipulating and harming people. This extreme type of maladaptation to chidlhood trauma is rare , trauma doesn't make you an evil person , otherwise we would all be narcissists coopting codependents .
that is sort of the trap, isn't it?
for me it is digging in and finding out where i might've picked it up. shame has been a big part of that...
I like that you call it the competency wound because one of the ways I have been affirming myself as I work through my own trauma is by calling myself a competent adult, I guess I have to keep figuring out what competence in adult me looks like
I had this exact ephiphany the other day! As someone who plays a lot of video games, my interpretation was, doing the work gets you into the lobby but there is still time that needs to pass before the next stage can unfold. Another fantastic video, thanks Heidi 🙏
Wow you’re speaking to my soul! This is exactly what I needed to hear today ♥️ thank you
It's really hard finding out how to get the life I want in the real world. Because I only just started working on my worthiness wounds, I still have parts that believe I'm not worthy of the love of others. And it is only magnified by how I don't believe I have the self-efficacy to provide value in a relationship.
This was super helpful to me because this framework explains my situation so so well. I don't know if I have healed my competency wound exactly but I have, as of today, secured all of the money, permits and resources to do exactly what I want to do practically in my life right now, it's insane. But I've done it completely without believing i deserve it. I'm excited to start healing the worthiness wound so I can have this life, enjoy it, maintain it and continue to improve it
Your content is so good. Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge with the rest of us. So many of us out here need a bit of healing. Please know that you're helping so many of us. Keep the content coming!
Can I just say thank you so much for filming this concept and posting this. I found it immeasurably helpful!!! Truly. Thank you again.
But then when I realize I'm not competent, I fall back into feeling unworthy because in my eyes there's no point. Why should I even be worthy if I'm not going to be competent anyway.
This is a perfectly level-minded overview of the interrelationship between the inner and outer world, exceptionally well explained, thanks so much! Good luck with your dissertation ☺️ (I'm 2 weeks away from submission too, so your timing on this was perfect! Haha)
Thank you and good luck to us both!! 💪📚
Thank you for taking the time out to share ..I hope it will be returned tenfold whem you get down to the dissertation..all the best with it Heidi.
Something that reflects this is the difference between self esteem and self worth. Self worth is our inherent value. Self esteem is our skills and actions that add value and make us feel good.
good luck with your dissertation!
Thank you! I will take all the luck I can get 🦾🖤
@@heidipriebe1 its hardly going to be luck you're going to be relying on. You're so incredibly insightful..you will do great Heidi. You are worthy of it😁
@@lykarabbit3 Thank you, truly. 🖤🖤🖤
Competency wound! As soon as you said that it clicked, that is exactly what I'm working on now
Thank you for making this video. It has really helped me. Coming to accept that people have their preferences and that does not reflect on my value is so important.
I was haunted by the feeling of being unworthy because someone I entered into a relationship had a racial preference that was opposite of mine. I felt every time we were around women with this race that I was second best in the eyes of my ex. It did not work and from now on will not allow my worth to be diminished like that but accept a person’s preference and not enter into union with them since it more than likely will not work.
I am saving this video to remind myself as I heal and improve my sense of self-worth.
I've been here too. I totally understand what you mean! I left and didn't look back.
I’m trying to heal from this. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m never dating another man that has a preference outside of me ever again. It destroys your self esteem.
thanks for squeezing time to make this video. I think you can see from the comments how much it is appreciated and needed ❤
Just as I was about to fully accept this, I felt a part of me pull away, thinking "I've already wasted so much time, what's the point?". Then, as if to prove Heidi's words have real power, I felt the rest of me respond "Me. I'm the point. I deserve the opportunity to try. I deserve to do better."
As I was then pondering how to proactively work on building a belief of competency/Self-efficacy, I saw your video on self-abandoment and am VERY intrigued... thankyou again for all your work, and good luck with your school work! :D
Yes . Yes . Yes. I struggled with self respect for a long time and I am still working on it. My inner world was chaos for many years since my childhood and I ignored it, swept under the rug and built up a fake inflated false sense of self esteem that got me nowhere and made me for some time quite delusional about how to actually attain the things I want in my life. I’ve gotten pretty far with therapy, journaling, research, medication and support groups I’m willing to do the inner work . And I know when the opportunity for me do the outer work arises I will be well equipped and eager to handle the task at hand. Thank you so much #lifesaver🎉
Thank you for the practical and actionable advice you give on your channel. A lot of similar channels use videos like this to bait you into paying hundreds of dollars for courses to get similar advice. I appreciate what you do.
Excited for you, best of luck with the dissertation ❣️
This video definitely asks for a follow up.
I feel in between worlds, that limbo between old life and new life, and what you described in this video is part of that feeling.
Decades of anxiety and depression perhaps gives me good skills for testing mattresses, I am clueless when it comes to the ins and outs of building a rich and fullfilling life in the 3D. I'm good at living large on the inside but it has a certain 'spirituality as escapism'- flavor to it that does not sit well with me, for I also feel a strong need to build something tangible in the 3D before I leave this planet. Doing something I really believe in, where my heart is in it. And in the meantime my current dayjob seems to be the keeping up with the dishes and the laundry and the dust and dog hairs. Kinda disheartening really, finding myself finally not that debilitated by depression and anxiety anymore, then realizing I have yet at 48, with 31 years of living on my own under my belt, learn to master the skills of basic housekeeping. Which is again fodder for the worthiness wound to not heal all that well. Argh healing is so not linear it is all intertwined.
I really really needed this today - it is EXACTLY what I was praying for guidance on. Thank you so much for taking time away from your dissertation for it and good luck with everything 🥰
Wow, this really speaks to me! I often have a recurring thought of "I know I'm worthy of [xyz], I just don't know if I can get it." And I never heard a term for it, such as competency wound, or heard anyone discuss it. Thank you so much for filming this!
So true! I am going through something similar right now..
In my case, the worthiness wound is more like, whenever someone pulls away, i think it's bc i'm not enough, and it hurts. I feel insufficient, to put it another way. Not that I don't think i'm not worthy of love, but that other people saw something in me and will not consider me worthy. It has to do more with giving too much importance to the other's valuation of you, than to yourself.
That was a great reality check, you will unblock yourself, the work still remains to be done.
Your impromptu videos like this one are always valuable and appreciated. Listen to your Si these last two weeks to reach your big goal. We will be here cheering when you cross that finish line. Thanks for sharing what you're learning with us.
Wow, honestly the perfect perfect video. I have been feeling this internal turning point that, after watching this video, makes so much more sense. I have done an incredible amount of inner healing, and now i can transition into working outside. You have saved me so much doubt and irritation with this video, preventing a phase that could have happened in which i doubt myself and think hurtful thoughts about this instead of compassionately noting that i changed games now, i didnt lose the first at all 🙏❤️
Whatever you’re doing is working on me an AA who now is much more Secure from listening to you! Thank you!
1234... You are always on time(Metaphysically)
Potent 11 min contribution!
Big thanks
Loved this! Have you ever thought about making a video specifically about the “competency wound?” I’d love to learn more about this concept.
Thank you for talking about this...have been feeling both my worthiness and competency wounds right now. This was such a great reminder to utilize my logic to work towards my dreams and goals. Appreciate you Heidi!
Truth is, no matter how healthy you may be. There is no guarantee for anything in life. People with severe issues may have everything you want on paper, yet it keeps eluding you.
This is kind of a side thought I've had lately. I watched the TV show _Lost_ earlier this year and looking back on it, I think it did a pretty good job of modeling healthy attachment and what that looks like between some of the characters in the show and how various events would sort of shift their relationship in slightly different ways. And it's got me thinking (and maybe I just haven't been looking for it) that it seems like Hollywood doesn't really make a conscious effort to model healthy relationships or healthy behavior in movies and TV shows nowadays. It seems that showing dysfunctional people or relationships is more prominent. And that's not to say it's necessarily a bad thing. It can be helpful for the general public to have a good conceptualization of what some of these "invisible" conditions look like for people, that is, if it's done accurately.
In the first two seasons of _Lost,_ many of the characters were battling their inner demons and working within themselves to overcome them. And they were relatable, common problems that people face. Today it seems like characters that Hollywood portrays are either perfectly flawless, or irredeemably dysfunctional. I saw the movie _Marriage Story_ earlier this year which was... interesting. It seemed like Robin Williams was a fan of playing in movies where people had to overcome their personal struggles. _Good Will Hunting_ and _Hook_ come to mind.
I really don't know of any shows or movies in recent years that portray someone overcoming their personal emotional or relationship problems and the subsequent constructive mindset that follows from working out those problems.
Maybe Moon Knight was one? I can't remember. Anyways I'd like to see a movie or TV show like that come out sometime.
My outer world is the step I am working on now, moving forward! Thanks
Part of the issue with a sense of unworthiness is, IMO, that your efforts are not enough - they are devalued time and again. So there is no sense of progress towards a goal because each effort is devalued and provides no forward progress. I've already been the good enough to keep trying - and I did, and with certain people and in certain circumstances, it goes nowhere - it may as well be a scam.
Coming back to this video: It makes me think "What is 'loveable' if it doesn't actually do anything?". It seems like what would be is the safe space with/amongst one or two good enough or better parents that you can fall back to if you don't get that raise or didn't win the race or whatever. It seems like its theoretical - if I'd had good enough parents then I would be worthy of having that safe space with them. In a way that is something, though it feels a little ghostly for being theoretical.
Holy cannoli do I like this lady. You rock
Thanks! The singular of phenomena is phenomenon. ;-)
I think something worth noting is we may already have or obtain competency in the area in which we are pursuing, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to achieve the goal or desired outcome. There are usually a lot of factors at play. The “rejection“ of “failure” can re-trigger the worthiness wounds.
She summed up napoleon hill think and grow rich. Or the formula for life change and success. I love this and appreciate you sharing this video. I hope you pass your assignments and get your degree.
I’ve watched a few videos on this channel now. Some of the content in these videos is so good and helpful - the clear articulation of the phenomenon we feel, or at least some aspects of it. I think what’s lacking is real empathy and understanding of the people going through these things - attention to pain and feelings and the long hard processes of change and all the complications surrounding that. Understanding something intellectually is very different from actually changing the reflexive, ingrained feelings inside oneself. THAT and what surrounds it is the hard part. To me, a lot of these videos feel even a bit condescending. I share this because I think these videos gave the potential to be so much more helpful.
Hiedi. So awesome you hit the nail on the head I've recently healed my worthiness wound. But
now comes the external work.
I have found your channel recently and binged so many! They have been crazy helpful to me you have no idea! I have BPD and so much of what you have to say resonates with me. Please keep it up, I can't express how much I appreciate what you are doing. Me and many others I'm sure.
I was applying outer world rules to the inner rule. If I try enough, if I work on myself and I deny my worst parts, my parents could love me. Didn't work, and now I know why!
Wow thank you! Got a recommendation to search you. This was my first video. Feeling motivated and seeing some clarity ❤️❤️❤️
You are always on point. Bless you❤
Some of your vids are like they came straight out of my journal.
I have oscillated between these two wounds as I’ve aged. Different stages of humaning/adulting in society and in my emotional maturity have required different approaches and skills. And healing is never a straight line. Appreciate you and your videos. ❤️🩹
Oh my gosh you’re incredible! You you ❤❤❤
Thank you for this… it helped me with my healing and how to respond to my daughter too.
People will not get what they want by feeling worthy or trying. Life is as much about luck and fate.
I have always been labelled as ‘clumsy’ because I used to (and still do to some extent) knock things over, fall over, or make mistakes in feats of dexterity. This has always made me feel deep down a sense of ‘incompetence’, and to label myself mistakenly I hope, as an incompetent person. 😢
I'm sorry that you feel this way.
May I recommend to you "guided mindfulness meditation " by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn. It has some meditation practices and light yoga.🙏💖✨️
This was a really good explanation. I like the concept of a competency wound or self efficacy deficit.
My problem is I worked really hard to believe I was worthy and then worked really hard to gain legitimate competence but then found myself in a series of toxic, invalidating work environments where regardless of how much better I did or how much more I contributed they always deemed me "unworthy" of promotion or compensation so I just kept doing more and more until I was doing 3 or 4 entirely separate jobs worth of work, then got completely burnt out, took some approved but unpaid time off and then got fired while I was gone...
Not sure what someone is supposed to do when their worthiness wound was barely freshly healed and then got torn open and had salt and vinegar scrubbed into it.
Now I have a "I don't trust any progress I make because the world is gonna hate me for trying to be better and will savagely punish me for having thought I could be anything more than poor and miserable my entire life" wound...
good question. How have you been doing and have you found an answer?
I’m so glad you brought this up. Your channel is so refreshing. A few years ago I stopped resonating with the worthiness wound concept but there’s a resounding push toward self worth that made it seem like I hadn’t healed that subconsciously because it hasn’t manifested externally the way I though it would. It made me doubt myself again. Thanks Heidi and good luck on your dissertation
Would love a video on competence wound. You put it out so cristal clear.
Never eared those terms worthiness and competence wounds before but it talks to me so much. How the inner world works and how to get results in the outter world, I just need to ear all this. Thank you so much.
I would love to see a follow up re: competency wounds!
I was always a hard worker but many times my work was overlooked and I was picked on in comparison to peers who were slackers. The unworthiness wound can make you a target. Once I started to heal this wound I was treated differently by my coworkers and managers. I have seen so many people horrible at their jobs get praise get promoted and its because their confidence hides their slack. I think we have all seen people in positions that are horrible at their job but for some reason got there and keep rising the ranks.
It would be nice if this could have been said without the race analogy that presumes winning or losing to other people. It’s true that some goals require presenting yourself as the best candidate or proving it with numbers, but often it’s not about being better but presenting your particular strengths or recognizing them rather than a reliance on hierarchy of value between yourself and others.
Also, people with worthiness issues often don’t recognize the value in what they’ve already been doing in the outside world. Putting value on that in your own mind can be followed with confidence as well as a framework to present yourself to others as valuable. My comment pertains to professional goals primarily.
yes the race analogy felt weird, also maybe a bit ableist if you think about the people that just can’t compete in this way?
I resonated with what you said about the race analogy being presumptive of a desire to compete with others for first place in whatever field one pursues. Personally I have no desire to compete with others but most enfps seem to want extrinsic reassurance of their worthiness and success. Many people measure personal success in comparison with others acheivements. Therein lies a paradox for the enfp who is by nature driven by intrinsic motivation but the world will tell you only the external accolades we receive actually count.
Dear Heidi! With all due respect. You are sooo sweet, charming and graceful!
Congrats on your schooling, Heidi, and sharing all your learning.
Thank you, Heidi! Great point about the distinction between the inner and the outer work and the respective results. Good luck with your exam 👌 I hope you'll party quite soon 🎉
Always looking forward to new videos
Best wishes for delivering your dissertation! I've no doubt you will knock it out of the park!❤
I learned much about this wound from the speaker Adyashanti. He discusses his experience of it and its pervasiveness in Western society.
I was in Toronto this past fall 2023. I had thought about what it would be like to meet you. I am a fellow ENFP. Your insights are valuable. I accept my gift and hope to share it.
Thank you Heidi
What an improvement over these 3 years you've made. It can be seen and heard. Congratulations
I hope your dissertation went smoothly. You are so well spoken and helpful.
Could you please speak on estrangement of adult children from a mother who was the scapegoat in her family of origin?
So, now, where is the life I want?
Well, I probably should've started working on that 25 years ago.
Thanks for the video, I think I just had my question answered. It would go something like, "Help, I peaked in high school, what do I do now?" I will add though, that with the family and other issues that I've had, if I didn't do some inner work regularly, applying myself in life wouldn't have been very fruitful. I also think looking at our motives can go a long way towards providing for our security. I'm encouraged to look at that next step in realizing what I can in searching for my true potential. You've become a welcome resource in my psychoeducation, keep up the good work.
Thanks for sharing this amazing video! I’m on my healing journey after decades of my narcissistic father’s anti love campaign!❤😂
Thank you for this framework and never forget that all words are made up! 🤗
Hehe I think you got the whole manifestation community tagged here ;)
But fr super grateful you have the drive to share your journey with your community here bc we are all growing with you!! Thank you so much!
Hey pribei.... You are such amazing... Now i feel you are my unpaid counselor... You made videos on which i didn't understand about myself... U made my mind so clear. Thank you so much...
I like your work it helps me out a lot thanks.
A lot of people, especially those coming from the lens of recovering self esteem, struggle with operationalizing things. I love the message about self efficacy but I absolutely hate subjective statements like "do the work". Especially in context to interpersonal relationships because "the work" is often not clear cut or evident. Getting in shape or saving for a house are things a person can logically break down. Magically manifesting the person they are going to spend the rest of their lives with is not. Once you're in a relationship or situation there is certainly a path but people do not control who or when they meet other people.
The world needs less hustle culture and more empathy. There's a really big problem with people working their way in circles who are miserable because they have no trajectory.
I know this is an old video, but I really hope you speak on transferring the internal to the external more, especially as doing so often challenges our internal wounds we have healed, and then it becomes a loop of one step forward, two steps back
You're really the only mental health person I've heard who feels like they actually touch on specific issues that resonate with me.
Very insightful video,thanks for sharing! I would also like to add that somatic practices like trauma informed yoga and EFT tapping can really help in resolving the worthiness (self worth) wound and the self efficacy wound,this is because it not only changes our core beliefs on a cellular level but also deeply regulates our nervous system from fight/flight/freeze to a state of rest&digest (regulated) when we are regulated we are more likely to actually put in the effort of working hard for the things we want+value and actually achieve them. If you're constantly in a state of freeze due to a lot of trauma wounding then you barely have energy to do basic things like shower,let alone do the hardwork to achieve success in your personal or professional life. To summarise i would say that somatic practices are essential and a great addition to CBT,journaling,shadow work,etc
Literally the answer to the question I woke up with this morning 😅 glad you created this video ❤ hope your dissertation turned out the way you wanted!!! Thanks Heidi ❤❤❤
I appreciate all your videos so much. Please keep making them! :)
Genius! Thank you❤
That's a great metaphor and makes it so much easier to comprehend!!
Yes this was a great video for me. I definitely figured this out on my own but you put it into actual words for me and now I really get it
If guys understood that they actually value female companionship for their worthiness providing ability, their connections would be more meaningful.
omg this is on point! Thanks ❤