My ex criticised me on a daily basis, from what I wore to how I set-up our home. He constantly told me I was mentally ill, yet he is no where near qualified to diagnose me with anything. He told me I had to grovel more to his 15 year old daughter.... He complimented others in front of me yet told me I had to earn a compliment. Everyone thinks he is so friendly and happy, but at home he was a verbally abusive monster. He blamed me for the way he treated me and for any wrong-doing or mishap in his life. I am 6 months out of this now - no more emotional and financial abuse for me. I am healing and becoming healthier every day - now out of the fog - I now see that no one deserves to be treated this way. I am happy to be out of this cruel and toxic existence. He is now blocked in every shape and form
Dr Denise you're a God send. You have explained this so well. You are getting this message out there. 1. Educate yourself 2. Take care of yourself 3. Reconnect with yourself Because it robs us of our emotional energy. Take it back by reconnecting with yourself 1. He won't help you 2. He's different outside (others are confused why we're upset 3. Emotional abuse precedes physical violence (don't assume he's not going to hurt you, it is a huge red flag) This information is fantastic. Thank you for helping us find ourselves
I can really relate to this. The first for sure .He never will admit to abuse and says I'm too sensitive. He does act different inside the house to outside. A huge difference. He does many silent treatments and sometimes pretends I am invisible for days. I got him out of the house finally but after 14years it is a lot to try to get myself back. I appreciate your videos so much so much helpful and encouraging info
My husband told the counselor that I was controlling. I tried my best to tell the therapist about what I felt was emotional abuse... about my husband’s alcohol addiction and irresponsibility that resulted. I made it through 5 sessions before I was so angry I couldn’t return. It became about my need to control him, my lack of boundaries and my defects. What did I do? Went back and tried to work on myself to try to make our marriage better. Just made me angrier. I have managed to separate and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious. I want to divorce and move on, but fear the financial, professional and personal destruction he will cause. He lives in the house financed in my name. I sleep on my friend’s couch. I have worked my entire adult life trying to be responsible and have a comfortable retirement. He feels entitled to half of that although we have only been married 6 years out of my 30 years of work. The stupidest part? I feel sorry for him and want him to be ok. Ugh!!
You’re right! I knew it was toxic and emotionally abusive. He made me think I was abusive for wanting to leave. But then....he grabbed me he left bruises he scared me and his reality about that will not be the truth. I hate that it’s ending with court dates and protection orders but I don’t want to be silenced either. It’s not okay!
I highly recommend Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and "why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling and abusive men" by Lundy Bancroft. These two authors helped me understand what my physically abusive ex-husband had been doing and the red flags for physical abuse.
That is exactly what happened in my last relationship. He was so nice and helpful, gregarious and people, including myself said I love this man, until a few month into the relationship when we were at his home cooking dinner and he turn out to be an incredibly cruel person and cold fish, verbally. I did not know what hit me, I was so terribly confused and of course did a very big scan to figure out what I had done wrong...I mainly expressed my opinion, that was different from his. Very confusing and of course one tries to find fault in one's own behavior first.
My eyes were opened last year. He told me "I will run my house the way I want". The next thing was he didn't want to go to marriage counseling, (lied) then I found out that he was or is cheating. Came home from work and asked me for a divorce. But to make it worse, it's with a family member. Go Figure!
My work is focused primarily on toxic relationships and designed for a female audience. You are absolutely right that both males and females are hurt deeply by toxic partners. There are so many excellent resources available, i encourage you to seek those that better meets your needs. I hear your pain through what you have written. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much on focusing on us women. I feel that other Narc communities cater to men some who are merely parading as victims and it makes me feel re victimized.
Dr. Denise Glassmoyer Dr I left a emotional abusive relationship I left 3 yrs ago. My ex is living with someone else. My question is he's in a happier relationship with some one else he treats her better. What do you think???
Honestly, all new relationships with emotionally abusive narcissists look 👀 exceedingly happy in the beginning. Remember part of the pathology is the wooing, baiting, idealizing etc. The new source will always appear the "perfect" person for him. If the new relationship will potentially hurt you it's even more enjoyable to parade the relationship and show how wonderful it is and how incredibly happy the new couple is. It may take a while but eventually he will realize she is a real human being and not his idealized woman. She will go through the same things you did! Your relationship with this person started the same way. Don't be fooled 💜 release him 💜 establish NO CONTACT 💜 and stop looking at his new relationship. You have the choice to let go of your end of the rope. It's amazing how wonderful it feels when you do. Let it go and don't pick it up again...not even for a peek.
Mine was law enforcement! Lots of yelling, raging, slamming doors, evil looks. I left a month ago. Stayed with family a thousand miles away, he filled for divorce. I drove back to find an attorney. He never even checked to see if I made it to my family's house! Just wow! And yes, he was so super sweet in the beginning!
Vivi I want to wrap you in a hug from the universe that reminds you in the deepest, wisest place of your heart how precious you are! Life is renewed in each moment and all we have to do is show up, be present, and get clear on what we want our life to be about. The feelings you describe are echoed by many who have endured emotional abuse. It takes time to heal and it takes work! Make sure to do something nurturing for yourself today. 💜
So upsetting to admit how violent he would became and how much I was in danger. I never called the police but did finally talk to the domestic violent hotline. I still feel a bit guilty for not calling the police so he never hurts another.
I am so grateful for this video, I am going to watch it more than once. I have been struggling so much with whether I should consider that his escalating but fluctuating (hoover/devalue/discard/lovebomb) emotional abuse could eventually turn to physical abuse. I have also been stunned to learn that what he has been doing emotionally was actually against the law where I live. The lying, gaslighting, adultery & financial abuse made me feel like I was being assaulted, now I realize I actually was.
My ex-narc would postulate on occasions demonstrating how he would punch my ex-boyfriend in the face. He would physically act it out shaping up to an imaginary opponent showing an angry punch into the air, saying how he would break his nose. He wasn't facing me when he did it but it still felt intimidating, which I told him. He said too bad if you are scared you will just have to hide under a table when it happens. He also made threats to physically harm put a neighbor in hospital who was trying to talk to me. He also said that he would not physically hurt me if I left the relationship with him. Is there a name for this form of intimidation, where the opponent is not me but I still see him physically acting out his dangerous anger? And telling me he WOULDN'T hurt me physically if I left him. In telling me that he put it into my mind when it wasn't there in the first place, is this a standard trick they use? You are so right about the mask slipping, what a horrible shock.
This is threatening behavior pure and simple, please take it seriously. He is trying to gain power and make you afraid and yet leaves it open for him to claim innocence because he didn’t “actually” threaten you. Yet, threaten you he DID!!
I always felt confused. He verbally abused me n then say sorry. He said he loved me. I cried almost daily. He would look at me. Call me a coward. Make me think my kids didnt love me. The last thing was he grabbed my neck n threatened to knock my teeth out. I was terrified. He always accused me of things. Before he left he spit on the kitchen floor. He will be arrested if he comes around. He dont work , he is an energy vampire. He used me for money , food n shelter. N left me n came back over n over for 6 yrs. I filed a harrassment report with the police dept. Im thankful he left but he stalks me on social media. Why dont they leave u alone
I got maced by the policed and my face is scared and the left side of my hair feel out. Because I wanted advice on leaving. The police made it worse for me, they up the abuse beacuase me and my partner lost our home in 24 hours through abuse and lies all because I called 111 which is non emergency and asked for advice and they because dramatic the police office that came throw me to the floor which set my autistic partner off geez. I'm still suffering from ptsd and then having my partner at me God no wonder I throwing up everyday for hours a day. The diabetes is now effected by the sickness that won't stop. Could it be the relationship. I'm starting to thinking I'm the abusive one
My heart goes out to you 💜 I hope you find a great therapist in your local area if you haven’t already. I can only imagine what you have been through. Toxic relationships can lead to both partners being victim and/or perpetrator in an effort to cope with the chaos. Sounds like you would benefit from some professional help to sort things out and get to a healthier, happier place 💜 Sending love and healing thoughts.
All physical abuse is preceded by emotional abuse. Sometimes emotional abuse does not escalate to physical abuse but that should NEVER be the assumption. There is a very predictable escalation path and if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship denial can be very dangerous. I hope that makes sense.
Intriguing Mind Yeap, I have been there. He started by guilt trips, blaming me for what went wrong in the marriage, then the cheating, and last was the physical abuse. I rather have been hit as to hear those words, they are painful, but at least I know now. Yes I put up NO CONTACT! I'm moving on.
Joann Fox these people can never find happiness no matter who they are with stay the hell away completely and be ever so proud with yourself that you love yourself enough to move the hell on
What about gay relationship? When a man is abused by another man and none sympathizes because they look at you are a male and they laugh off your face? Is not that easy to call 911 or domestic violence group, they will do nothing, they will try to get you out of the house and after that you are on your own.
This toxic, painful dynamic can happen between any two people. Abuse is never a laughing matter and the judgment of others just makes it more painful. My heart goes out to you Marcos.
1.) Not Breaking "No Contact."
2.) Thinking about him less everyday.
3.) Getting to know & love me again & better.
Dee Dee amen
My ex criticised me on a daily basis, from what I wore to how I set-up our home. He constantly told me I was mentally ill, yet he is no where near qualified to diagnose me with anything. He told me I had to grovel more to his 15 year old daughter....
He complimented others in front of me yet told me I had to earn a compliment. Everyone thinks he is so friendly and happy, but at home he was a verbally abusive monster. He blamed me for the way he treated me and for any wrong-doing or mishap in his life. I am 6 months out of this now - no more emotional and financial abuse for me. I am healing and becoming healthier every day - now out of the fog - I now see that no one deserves to be treated this way. I am happy to be out of this cruel and toxic existence. He is now blocked in every shape and form
Dr Denise you're a God send. You have explained this so well. You are getting this message out there.
1. Educate yourself
2. Take care of yourself
3. Reconnect with yourself
Because it robs us of our emotional energy. Take it back by reconnecting with yourself
1. He won't help you
2. He's different outside (others are confused why we're upset
3. Emotional abuse precedes physical violence (don't assume he's not going to hurt you, it is a huge red flag)
This information is fantastic. Thank you for helping us find ourselves
Love your recap Navya! Thank you for your thoughtful comment. 💜
It is a waste of time to make someone understand, what doesn't want to be understood.
Just ignore their perception, trust in yours, and move on!
you would be surprised how much this is endured in the church and is not spoken on.
I can really relate to this. The first for sure .He never will admit to abuse and says I'm too sensitive. He does act different inside the house to outside. A huge difference. He does many silent treatments and sometimes pretends I am invisible for days. I got him out of the house finally but after 14years it is a lot to try to get myself back. I appreciate your videos so much so much helpful and encouraging info
My husband told the counselor that I was controlling. I tried my best to tell the therapist about what I felt was emotional abuse... about my husband’s alcohol addiction and irresponsibility that resulted. I made it through 5 sessions before I was so angry I couldn’t return. It became about my need to control him, my lack of boundaries and my defects. What did I do? Went back and tried to work on myself to try to make our marriage better. Just made me angrier. I have managed to separate and now I feel deeply depressed and anxious. I want to divorce and move on, but fear the financial, professional and personal destruction he will cause. He lives in the house financed in my name. I sleep on my friend’s couch. I have worked my entire adult life trying to be responsible and have a comfortable retirement. He feels entitled to half of that although we have only been married 6 years out of my 30 years of work. The stupidest part? I feel sorry for him and want him to be ok. Ugh!!
You’re right! I knew it was toxic and emotionally abusive. He made me think I was abusive for wanting to leave. But then....he grabbed me he left bruises he scared me and his reality about that will not be the truth. I hate that it’s ending with court dates and protection orders but I don’t want to be silenced either. It’s not okay!
She speaks the truth.
I highly recommend Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and "why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling and abusive men" by Lundy Bancroft. These two authors helped me understand what my physically abusive ex-husband had been doing and the red flags for physical abuse.
That is exactly what happened in my last relationship. He was so nice and helpful, gregarious and people, including myself said I love this man, until a few month into the relationship when we were at his home cooking dinner and he turn out to be an incredibly cruel person and cold fish, verbally. I did not know what hit me, I was so terribly confused and of course did a very big scan to figure out what I had done wrong...I mainly expressed my opinion, that was different from his. Very confusing and of course one tries to find fault in one's own behavior first.
My eyes were opened last year. He told me "I will run my house the way I want". The next thing was he didn't want to go to marriage counseling, (lied) then I found out that he was or is cheating. Came home from work and asked me for a divorce. But to make it worse, it's with a family member. Go Figure!
Thank you so much for helping us identify the abuse and heal! I am encouraged that more and more information is being shared about this form of abuse.
My work is focused primarily on toxic relationships and designed for a female audience. You are absolutely right that both males and females are hurt deeply by toxic partners. There are so many excellent resources available, i encourage you to seek those that better meets your needs. I hear your pain through what you have written. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much on focusing on us women. I feel that other Narc communities cater to men some who are merely parading as victims and it makes me feel re victimized.
Dr. Denise Glassmoyer Dr I left a emotional abusive relationship I left 3 yrs ago. My ex is living with someone else. My question is he's in a happier relationship with some one else he treats her better. What do you think???
Honestly, all new relationships with emotionally abusive narcissists look 👀 exceedingly happy in the beginning. Remember part of the pathology is the wooing, baiting, idealizing etc. The new source will always appear the "perfect" person for him. If the new relationship will potentially hurt you it's even more enjoyable to parade the relationship and show how wonderful it is and how incredibly happy the new couple is. It may take a while but eventually he will realize she is a real human being and not his idealized woman. She will go through the same things you did! Your relationship with this person started the same way. Don't be fooled 💜 release him 💜 establish NO CONTACT 💜 and stop looking at his new relationship. You have the choice to let go of your end of the rope. It's amazing how wonderful it feels when you do. Let it go and don't pick it up again...not even for a peek.
Dr. Denise Glassmoyer doctor thank you for you're answer!!!! So your saying these people will never fully have a meaning ful relationship
Mine was law enforcement! Lots of yelling, raging, slamming doors, evil looks. I left a month ago. Stayed with family a thousand miles away, he filled for divorce. I drove back to find an attorney. He never even checked to see if I made it to my family's house! Just wow! And yes, he was so super sweet in the beginning!
Vivi I want to wrap you in a hug from the universe that reminds you in the deepest, wisest place of your heart how precious you are! Life is renewed in each moment and all we have to do is show up, be present, and get clear on what we want our life to be about. The feelings you describe are echoed by many who have endured emotional abuse. It takes time to heal and it takes work! Make sure to do something nurturing for yourself today. 💜
Dr. Denise Glassmoyer at lest I think he does I'm thinking that he might have changed
Very encouraging and hopeful.
Thank you!
So upsetting to admit how violent he would became and how much I was in danger. I never called the police but did finally talk to the domestic violent hotline. I still feel a bit guilty for not calling the police so he never hurts another.
I am so grateful for this video, I am going to watch it more than once. I have been struggling so much with whether I should consider that his escalating but fluctuating (hoover/devalue/discard/lovebomb) emotional abuse could eventually turn to physical abuse. I have also been stunned to learn that what he has been doing emotionally was actually against the law where I live. The lying, gaslighting, adultery & financial abuse made me feel like I was being assaulted, now I realize I actually was.
Thank you for this, I am in an abusive relationship and this helps me so much to instead of react I’m now learning to respond. Thank you
Thank u...it is so validating and supportive to hear ur knowledge and wisdom
My ex-narc would postulate on occasions demonstrating how he would punch my ex-boyfriend in the face. He would physically act it out shaping up to an imaginary opponent showing an angry punch into the air, saying how he would break his nose. He wasn't facing me when he did it but it still felt intimidating, which I told him. He said too bad if you are scared you will just have to hide under a table when it happens. He also made threats to physically harm put a neighbor in hospital who was trying to talk to me. He also said that he would not physically hurt me if I left the relationship with him. Is there a name for this form of intimidation, where the opponent is not me but I still see him physically acting out his dangerous anger? And telling me he WOULDN'T hurt me physically if I left him. In telling me that he put it into my mind when it wasn't there in the first place, is this a standard trick they use? You are so right about the mask slipping, what a horrible shock.
This is threatening behavior pure and simple, please take it seriously. He is trying to gain power and make you afraid and yet leaves it open for him to claim innocence because he didn’t “actually” threaten you. Yet, threaten you he DID!!
I always felt confused. He verbally abused me n then say sorry. He said he loved me. I cried almost daily. He would look at me. Call me a coward. Make me think my kids didnt love me. The last thing was he grabbed my neck n threatened to knock my teeth out. I was terrified. He always accused me of things. Before he left he spit on the kitchen floor. He will be arrested if he comes around. He dont work , he is an energy vampire. He used me for money , food n shelter. N left me n came back over n over for 6 yrs. I filed a harrassment report with the police dept. Im thankful he left but he stalks me on social media. Why dont they leave u alone
Simply put. YOUR GREAT !!!
You're helping me recover
Thank you for this all true xx
This happened to my mother!!!!
Bingo!
You're absolutely right Patrick! Check out my comment just below yours. 😊
I got maced by the policed and my face is scared and the left side of my hair feel out. Because I wanted advice on leaving. The police made it worse for me, they up the abuse beacuase me and my partner lost our home in 24 hours through abuse and lies all because I called 111 which is non emergency and asked for advice and they because dramatic the police office that came throw me to the floor which set my autistic partner off geez. I'm still suffering from ptsd and then having my partner at me God no wonder I throwing up everyday for hours a day. The diabetes is now effected by the sickness that won't stop. Could it be the relationship. I'm starting to thinking I'm the abusive one
My heart goes out to you 💜 I hope you find a great therapist in your local area if you haven’t already. I can only imagine what you have been through. Toxic relationships can lead to both partners being victim and/or perpetrator in an effort to cope with the chaos. Sounds like you would benefit from some professional help to sort things out and get to a healthier, happier place 💜 Sending love and healing thoughts.
So please clarify for me you're saying that if there's emotional Buse there's a possibility of it never turning into physical abuse???
All physical abuse is preceded by emotional abuse. Sometimes emotional abuse does not escalate to physical abuse but that should NEVER be the assumption. There is a very predictable escalation path and if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship denial can be very dangerous. I hope that makes sense.
Dr. Denise Glassmoyer thank you doctor for clarifying that for me.
Intriguing Mind Yeap, I have been there. He started by guilt trips, blaming me for what went wrong in the marriage, then the cheating, and last was the physical abuse. I rather have been hit as to hear those words, they are painful, but at least I know now. Yes I put up NO CONTACT! I'm moving on.
Joann Fox hi sweetie my point is is that it always turns physical!!!
Joann Fox these people can never find happiness no matter who they are with stay the hell away completely and be ever so proud with yourself that you love yourself enough to move the hell on
What about gay relationship? When a man is abused by another man and none sympathizes because they look at you are a male and they laugh off your face? Is not that easy to call 911 or domestic violence group, they will do nothing, they will try to get you out of the house and after that you are on your own.
This toxic, painful dynamic can happen between any two people. Abuse is never a laughing matter and the judgment of others just makes it more painful. My heart goes out to you Marcos.
Law enforcement sucks...It got to a point that I wanted him to hit me so that I could get him arrested
It goes both ways, you should not use the word "he".